Hollywood Handbook - D'Arcy Carden, Our Close Friend

Episode Date: November 28, 2016

The boys are joined by D'ARCY CARDEN from The Good Place to talk about who gets to go there and other big questions. This episode is sponsored by SockFancy.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a Head of great points. Obviously, they're random. They're so random. It's insane. Not that random. I just don't want people to worry that they look like a snake or something. It's not. They're just fun.

But they could do that. No, it's within their rights. Yeah, but they could look like street art, graffiti, which is really starting to grow a real fan base. But yeah. They could look like anything. But what they don't talk about as much, I mean, it says they're made of 70% premium combed cotton. But these socks are so comfortable and so durable that for guys like me and Hayes, who the bones of our feet is on the outside of our feet. Yeah.

It is so difficult to find a sock that, first of all, can stand up to the bones. And gather them. And can hold them in place. And that also. Without hurting me. That aren't hurting and crunching the bones back up into the leg so that I sort of yelp, shoot up in the air like a cat. Yeah. Like bonkers the cat.

Yeah. It's a bobcat. Yeah. I'm not correcting you. Just being specific. Yeah. Totally nuts. So these socks, Sock Fancy, get them for normal feet. And they're for inside bones as fancy, get them for normal feet.

They work great. Inside bones as well. Normal feet. They work great. But what I'm saying is even if your feet have bones on outsides of them, like Hayes has. I actually have both. Yeah. He's got two sets of bones, uh, double bones feeds.

And, uh, for me, I just got the one set it's on that side it sits on top of the skin and the skin and the meat is in a sack inside the bones and the bones create sort of a cage and it's so hard for me to find great quality socks with hundreds of designs uh and i found it i go to sock fancy.com slash handbook. And if you do that yourself, you'll get a free pair added to your subscription when you enter that code handbook at checkout. So go ahead, do it. Get the socks and the feets and the bones.

It's socks. So lying in the dirt with Mickey blue eyes and he's showing me you take the butter box cut the little

woman the native woman you cut the and you do the and. Yeah, Sacagawea, yeah. And you do the frontal torpedoes. Uh-huh, torpedoes. Yes. And I look at that and I say, wow, I wonder if I could do that with myself. With your own knees.

Yes, that could be very exciting for me. Well, sure, because that's free. You don't have to buy the butter. Yes, I don't have to eat all this butter. Yeah. So, Mickey's like, no, don't do that, but I've already gone really far. Oh, good luck

stopping Hayes once he's got an idea, Mickey. I already cut my big, I'm wearing this long t-shirt, and I already cut the window out. And I am sort of contorting myself into position, but it ends up I went too far. I put them too far back.

Oh, wound up with your head down in here. I'm sort of chewing on my butt. Okay, and you're chomping away. Yeah. And what was that sensation for you in terms of your sloping up? My mouth is full of butter at this point, too, because I had just been eating all this butter. And it's hard to swallow. At some point, it gets very hard to swallow.

Well, so some of the butter is coming out into your butt as you are chomping away at it. And that's a situation that I'm sure Mickey Blue Eyes had a comment about. No? I can't hear. I know he was talking. Because you're so far in. At that point. And my head is kind of all under my, my t-shirt is so long.

And so now a man, a nice boy like you who only wanted to see himself with some frontal torpedoes is in a situation where he has maybe acquired a fetish. So yes, I have. So that explains what I was doing when you drove up. Well, no, and I knew it was something like that. But what I'm learning is it does have to be in the dirt because the butter gets, it creates kind of a butter mud. And that is. Careful who you say that around.

Right. Yeah, I don't know what I mean, but. But that is a big part of it, it turns out. So that's why I was so mad. Because you're like, why, you know... Well, you were so mad, right, because you were trying to do it on the carpet. Hey, welcome to Hollywood Handbook

and it's our guide to kicking butt and dropping names and right carpet linebacker, always this industry we call showbiz. What up, what up? Darcy! Darcy! But Darcy... Darcy Carden.! But Darcy!

Darcy Carden. And that last name makes me think of cardigans, which is the kind of sweater I have on. And isn't that sort of fun to play with words? Oh, it is so fun to play with words. Yes. What did you have to eat today? Yeah, what have you eaten? So far, I've eaten one deviled egg.

Yes. Yes, that's right. And just for the official time, it's 1.39 p.m., and she's had a deviled egg. Yes. For the official time, it's 1.39 p.m. and she's had a deviled egg. I mean half, actually, because one deviled egg would probably be two. No, that's one. I think that is one deviled egg. That's one deviled egg. We've had this argument before. That's one deviled egg.

It's not one egg. Right. Half an egg. A deviled egg is half an egg. And Sam, you made some deviled eggs for us. You do every time we do a show. And how do you do them? Why do you make the devil's eggs, Sam? I feel like I should contribute to the show.

People is hungry. Yeah. People is hungry. And you're sort of a sweet little angel, but you make the devil's eggs. Oh, that's true. Does that help you be an angel because you're sort of getting all the devil out into these eggs? You put it in the tree. Sort of a yin and yang.

Yeah. Uh-huh. Which one are you? Yin. Mm. That's what I was picking up as well. Speaking of. Speaking of.

Yang. Eastern philosophy. And Yang, who wrote the second episode of The Good Place. And Owen Yang. Yep. And Heaven and Devil. Right. Oh, my God.

Uh-huh. The speaking of God. And God. You're in The God Place. Yes. It's a big show on NBC. Mm-hmm. And they're making the show.

And it made me really think as much as it made me laugh. Oh, that's good. Is that okay? That's good. That's what we want. That's God. Okay. Because I watched it, I turned it on saying, oh, I'll laugh.

And then here I am thinking. Okay. Didn't expect that. And wondering. And since you're one of the stars of the show, maybe you can answer some of the questions. Who would go to the good place? And how the stars of the show, maybe you can answer some of the questions. Who would go to The Good Place? And how did they do the show? And who made it?

Thank you. Yes. Okay. Those are great questions. So who would go to The Good Place? How did they make the show? And who made it? Well, I would say it's funny.

I think when we think of heaven and hell, we kind of think half the population would go one place and half would go to the other place. Isn't that kind of what we've all been raised to believe? Right. Well, with this, it's not that at all. It's like the top 1% almost. It's like hardly anyone. Is going to the God place. To the God place, yes.

Wow. So we're looking at, like, you know, the cream of the damn crop. Wow. Now, what do you think happens when we die? Are we just worm food? I think we're worm food. We're worm food? Yeah, I think we're worm food.

So I'm not going to be able to play with haze? Well, it is, I mean. See, because that's actually worm food. So I'm not going to be able to play with haze? Well, it is. I mean. See, because that's actually a very cynical way of looking at it. I know. The way I, because I think about this a lot, and I've actually studied it, and I read the book. What book? The book.

No, go ahead. Yeah, spiritual. It's a book. It's Watership Down, right? Yeah. It explained what happened when an animal dies. Okay. explain what happened when an animal dies. Okay.

And what actually happens, if you do read about it, is you do get to play with all your friends. And even your friends who are still alive are up there already at the same time. Kind of like time is a flat circle type deal? Yeah, I don't know if you understand. Are you thinking of a clock? You're thinking of a, yeah, that's right.

Yeah, because watches are the flat ones. Those are flat circles. Okay, right. And they say what time it is, but not if you don't move them around. They have a little wiggly on the side and you have to squish with it. Is that kind of what you mean? No. It's not quite that.

I'm talking about playing with my friends. Okay, so you're playing with friends that are alive, friends that are dead. Yeah. And are you like the age you are now? Are you a kid? What are you? I can be different ages. You can? Hey, so am I playing with you up there right now?

No, because I'm not up there yet. And me neither. I'm right here. But somebody is playing with me up there. That's what I'm asking, Hayes. Well, right. Who, though? Right.

Like, who's your friend? My friend? Name a friend. That's in the'm asking, Hayes. Well, right. Who, though? Right. Like, who's your friend? My friend? Name a friend. That's in the God place? Yes. I guess Prince. Yeah. So you get to play with Prince up there now.

Yes. Yeah. So Prince is playing with me, and he's playing with you. Right. But is he playing? Are we playing with each other? The thing with me and Prince is we are probably not playing one-on-one. We did not really have that kind of relationship.

Group outings. Yeah, that's right. That's right. That's awesome. And sometimes I would get there first. You know what I mean? And then what do you even do? Look at your phones?

Yeah, I mean, I just pretend to perhaps go to the bathroom. You know? It's like, and then all of a sudden. But you wouldn't get up from the table, right? You'd just sit there and talk about how bad you have to go to the bathroom. But you wouldn't get up from the table, right? You'd just sit there and talk about how bad you have to go to the bathroom. Yeah. And Prince would be like, well, just go. Just something to talk about.

Anything. But then I'm worried, like, once I go and come back, I will have nothing. So I have to take a really long time to go. Yeah, so that conversation would be Prince going like, so what are you working on right now? And Hayes would be like, I just really have to go to the bathroom so bad. It's really hurting me. And Prince would be like, well, go.

The door's right there. It's hurting me. There's no one in there. And Hayes would go like, oh, God, it kills. I got to go so bad. Which is like, you know, an interesting conversational technique. Speaking of which. Here we go.

Broad City. Yes. Broad City. Would. Broad City. Would they go to the good place? Are they going to the good place? Well, it's hard to say because I feel like almost nobody that we know would be going there. Yeah, because you said damn before. Am I allowed to smoke weed up there?

No, man. Wait a minute. I can't smoke weed. But George Washington did. That's true. But he's actually in one of the episodes, it said the only president that's up in the good place is Abraham Lincoln. Right. Yeah, I saw it. Yeah, I know you did.

I know you're about to say that. So if I'm not mistaken. Because you weren't in all the parts. Right. That's true. That's true. Good point. And you were in that part, though.

I don't think I. Yeah, you were. That's true. Good point. And you were in that part, though. I don't think I— Yeah, you were. If I'm not mistaken, I think some of those Broad City girls smoke weed. Yeah, that's true.

So are they going to be smoking weed up there, and are they getting in trouble? I think—well, I don't think you can smoke weed in— Well, see, the thing about The Good Place is it's, like, sectioned off into neighborhoods, and we are just exploring one neighborhood. So, you know what? Maybe there is a neighborhood where they're smoking dank. Where they're smoking weed. Because then if they're doing that, if they smoke weed, then I would think the Broad City

Girls can be there. But if not, I don't think, because if I'm not mistaken, I think they like that stuff. I think so, too. That extreme cooch. I think they do. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. They smoke the dankest cooch. You seem to be dodging the question of how they do the show. Oh, yeah, how they do the show? Yes. Okay, so like— Oh, sorry. And then if you could answer when they had the idea for the show, were they chief in that kind kush?

Oh, wait, are we talking Broad City now? No, no, no, no, no. No, but it seems like some of these ideas, you'd have to be chief in the kind kush to come up with that. Right, okay, well, I— Broad City to me is a normal idea. I understand where they came up with the idea. Yeah, totally. It's just me and my friends.

It's like there's a camera in my apartment watching me Skype with my friends. Exactly. A different camera than the Skype camera even. Oh, yeah. Oh, that's starting to—now I feel like I'm chief in the concoge. But how'd they make the show okay so how they made the show um

I would say it was just like you know we got some we got we got yourself Mike Schur who's got you know

we're talking Parks and Rec we're talking that's who made the show that's a different question I want answered how they made it so I think it's like how did this get made

okay uh I think it's pretty much like you know, they had writers and a bunch of actors. Yeah. And we'd be like, let's go to the set. And then, you know, you'd like. So you're instigating that. Like everyone's kind of hanging out in a room and you're going like, hey guys, we should

probably head to the set if we want the show made. Yeah. I mean, me or someone else. It depends on the day. But I feel like a lot of the time it's probably you going, it's almost four. Yeah. We have to be off the set by eight. Right.

Can we please go to the set and make something? Honestly, I was raised to be a leader. Mmm. My dad really takes that seriously. I was raised to be a two-leader. You know what I mean? Yes, I do. Big bottles in my house. Right, right. Yeah. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yes. Big bottles in my house.

Right, right. Yeah. Because, Ed, you get, like, not fizzy faster. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We go flat faster, yeah, at my house. So I was raised to be a two-liter. But your dad wanted you to be one. Yeah, so it's like if somebody needs to, like, make something happen,

I feel like I have it in me to just, like just say it's time to go to set or whatever. Ah. You know what I'm saying? Like I'm not going to sit back and not say that. And I'm in the show now. You are? No, you're saying that. You go, now I'm in it.

And then Yang would be like, oh. Well, man, I didn't even know you. Yeah. And I'd be like, Yang, you do. Oh, OK. And then so now that almost leads us directly into who made it, and it sounds like it's you. Right. In a way, I mean, like in a way, yeah, in a way, yeah, sure, it's like me and Yang. Uh-huh.

Talk about Janet. Okay, so Janet is the character that I play on The God Place. Yeah. And, well, I have a hard time even talking about her because, okay, we got a big yawn over there. See, that will happen. Yes. Thank you for noticing that.

Because we do need someone to have eyes on the yawning situation. I turn my back to him because I want to feel good about what I'm doing when I'm making the show. And Sam is not creating an environment that's conducive. Yes. And what this is, it's a very forced yawn. It's not real. He is actually very into it.

And he's pretending he's just like opening his mouth. He's got so much sleep. I've seen him. It's not a real yawn. If anything, he's like obsessed with Janet. And he's like not, like I'm about to talk about Janet. Yeah, play it cool. But he's a little mad that we're not talking about the eggs anymore.

So he's being like, oh, I remember when the show was interesting. We talked about my eggs. Yeah. Well, I was getting ready to say God bless you because I thought you were going to sneeze. Wow. Wow. She was poised. Even now it's infected your brain.

I know. You're thinking, how do I get into the God place? I have to say bless you all the time. I got to get those points. So the thing with Janet is I think of her as a robot, but I don't think she's a robot. Oh, so this is what I want to ask about. Is she? I want to know.

Is Janet escaped from the Westworld? Yeah. Is she Westworld as well? Isn't she Westworld? Is she the Westworld? She's way Westworld. Oh, no. Yeah, she's way.

Uh-oh. Whoa, there's something in my eye I'm going to blink weird for a minute. But don't talk about it. And I'll tell the people who are listening if it's true. Keep talking, though. Oh, that was weird. It was like your eyelid was licking your eyeball. It was on the other side from me.

You couldn't see it. Yeah, Janet is totally Westworld. So is there a feud between Janet and Siri? Yeah, well, it's an old – yeah, it's like a – and Siri? Yeah. Well it's an old yeah it's like a Jennifer Siri? And Alexa. Oh no. But the cool thing about

Janet is she has a body. Okay. It's almost like one of those things where you're like ooh does Pandora and Spotify have like a feud and Pandora's kind of like

we don't even think about Spotify. Right. Ah yeah. So you think it's like on the same level but then you're like it's not on the same level. You can give Siri and think about Spotify. Right. Ah, yeah. So you think it's, like, on the same level, but then you're like, it's not on the same level. You can give Siri and Alexa a body. Yeah, I could.

Yeah. But they don't. Some people do. Yeah. You put them in a big doll. Or, like, a canister as a body as well. Oh, you mean like— Like a coffee can.

That's not what I'm talking about, but sure. What are you doing? Well, the way I— You put it in a big doll. Bend it up. Put it in a big doll. Put it in? Well, the way I bend it up. Put it in a big doll. And then ask the questions?

Yeah. You brought up Pandora. Pandora's box. Is that what I think it is? What do you think it is?

The good place. Y'all feel me? No, I'm bad today. I'm bad. You're nasty. John has been a little bit nasty today. You're nasty. Just today.

Okay. I'm a little bit, you know. Hayes says it's when girls are here. I don't think that's true. It is sometimes when girls are here. He can get a little nasty. Yeah, no, I get that. Yeah.

That's kind of, we're kind of used to that. Yeah. Who? Girls. Yes. Oh, perfect. Perfect. Perfect.

What about them? Is that Broad City? What? What did you just say? Them. What about them? Yeah, girls. What about them?

Is that Broad City? Mm-hmm. It kind of is. Okay, wait. Oh, girls, the HBO show? Yes. Is that what you're saying? Yeah. So is girls Broad City. It kind of is. Okay, wait. Oh, Girls, the HBO show? Yes. Is that what you're saying? Yeah.

So is Girls Broad City? Would Girls be allowed in Broad City? Would the girls from Girls be allowed from Broad City? Yes. I don't think so. What? I don't think so. Would the girls be allowed to go to the Good Place?

No. Do you think so? None of them. They wouldn't think so. Do the girls smoke weed? I think the girls smoke weed. I think they do. No. Yeah. That, you know, I think they like do.

No. Yeah. That gives you the craziest thoughts. Is that safe? I don't, I mean, I think it's not unsafe. Or, I mean, I don't know. I don't know. I think it's, everything is in moderation.

Well, you know, I mean, let's be frank. You're the number one Chiba hawk. You're driving the bus to Danktown. And you love to get zooted. So let's just be honest for once. What's the appeal there? Of getting zooted? So zooted.

I think, like, I mean, I actually, to be honest, like, I don't get super zooted. Describe a dream you had. Because your tolerance is so high. When you were zooted. Wait, say it. Describe a dream you had. Okay, a dream when I was super zooted.

I think, like, the worst thing that happens to me when I'm zooted is, like, maybe just being too aware of myself. In your dream? Oh, wow. See, I don't think I really dream too much when I'm suited. You know lucid dreaming? I do.

Can you do that? I think I can. Oh, no. Wait, or maybe I don't really know. Does that mean when you're in the dream and you're like, you're in a dream, do this thing? And you say, I'm in a dream. I have control over my dream. I have technology that allows me to do it.

I have a little mask that I made with, that I placed my phone on top of. The phone is timed to flash little lights in my eyes. It says, wake up in the dream. Well, you can't adjust the lights in a dream. That's one way to know if you're dreaming. Okay. Yeah.

And then the other way is if you think like, I'm pretty sure this is a dream. I'm going to take the cop's gun. And if he stops you, it's probably not a dream. No, that means it is a dream. That's right. And if he can't stop you, you're free to basically do whatever. Anything.

Because it's real life. Right, yeah. Then yeah, I think I can do that. Yeah, you can. Wow. When you are lucid dreaming, it's like you have powers, superpowers. Speak on that. What are you doing with those powers?

Well, mine are, it's usually like, I have a lot of bad dreams. So I think mine is like the type of thing where I feel that it's a bad dream, and then I go, Darcy, you're having a bad dream. Don't make it bad anymore. Right. For example. Yeah. So like, you know, if there's like a bad guy, if there's like a bad guy.

Like a Sam type. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Someone's just like yawning, yawning, yawning. You could be like, this is a dream. There's no way anyone would ever be that rude. I am funny. I'm doing a good job. Yeah, exactly.

And then. I'm funny. I'm fun. I'm interesting. I'm interesting. It's easy for 40 minutes to not yawn in my face. I'm funny, I'm doing a good job. Yeah, exactly. I'm funny, I'm fun, I'm interesting. I'm interesting. It's easy for 40 minutes to not yawn in my face. That would be rude.

Yeah, exactly. It's like if someone asked me a question and I'm about to answer it, there's no way somebody would ever yawn crazy big and not cover their mouth. Sure, sure. So it's like I'm in a dream. Ah, the fist in front of the mouth. That would be enough, right? Yeah, that's all you need. That's just a really minimal way to. I'll take a finger. Sure, sure. So it's like I'm in a dream. Ah, the fist in front of the mouth. That would be enough, right? Yeah, that's all you need. That's just a really minimal way to.

I'll take a finger. Oh, wow. Just to kind of say like I'm aware that I'm yawning. I know this is rude. And I'm trying to shield you slightly. In the mouth. That would be enough. Yeah.

So that's how you know it's a bad dream. Yeah. And what do you do? Start like flying around? No, I don't like flying around in dreams that freaks me out freeze all the people in your class? freeze them?

and then put them in a funny position so when they wake up it's like why am I hugging on the quarterback's butt? you know and that's the bully saying I'm trying to think of what I've ever I think usually probably just like wanting to kiss people. Yeah.

You got to freeze them first. Yeah. That's kind of what I'm talking about. Freeze them so they can't kiss back. Yeah, freeze them, kiss everyone in your class. I want to kiss almost everybody without them kissing me back. Yeah. I hate when they try to kiss back.

It's disgusting. But then when they come out of it, they're sort of like, oh, something just happened to me. It kind of feels good. Yeah. But they don't know exactly what happened, but they did like it. Yeah. Yeah. They did really enjoy it. Bless feels good. Yeah. But they don't know exactly what happened, but they did like it. Yeah. Yeah. They did really enjoy it.

Blessing and a curse. That's true. So, um. What's up, bud? Is, um, Dilbert's dad going to go to a good place? Dilbert's dad? Yeah. Will he be allowed in the good place? Dilbert? dad? Yeah. Will he be allowed in the good place?

Dilbert? Yeah. His dad. His dad. Like the comic strip Dilbert? Yeah. He has a dad? Wait, how many other Dilberts are you friends with?

Well, I'm only friends with the one. Are there a couple Dilberts? I'm only friends with the one, but I have never even seen Dilbert's dad. I'm not kidding. Oh, really? This is what 60 looks like. Bad news, haters. Yeah. He's really? This is what 60 looks like. Bad news haters. He's letting you know what

his age looks like. His dad's name's Scott. He created Dilbert, so he's his dad. And he has a great body despite his age. Incredible. Yeah, people said at his age that he couldn't be that strong. He's really teaching them

what's what. I don't know if Dilbert's dad will go to the good place, and that's not against him. It's hard. It's hard. People like Dilbert. Yes. He made lots of people happy using Dilbert. A lot of people laughed. Why are we not asking if Dilbert would go to the good place?

Well, Dilbert is actually not real. He's cartoon. He's a fake guy, and that's why his hair looks weird. Yeah. And his boss's hair as well. Right. Okay, so Dilbert's dad. I get it.

I think, yeah. I don't know, guys. I don't know. Dilbert recently went business casual. He doesn't have the tie flipping up anymore. Okay. And I think that Scott might have been disappointed that that was not a bigger deal to people. But it was a big deal to you?

Yes, and I made sure that he knew. Big deal to you? Yeah, I'm still freaking out about it in a lot of ways. How long ago was that? It's hard to say. It's just the kind of thing where you check in after a couple years and now Dilbert is business casual. It's like, when did that change?

It hits you like a Mack truck when you see it. Right. And for me, trying to piece my life back together as just a man in this world, knowing that Dilbert's tie could disappear like that, it makes me question what else is going to change. Yeah, that's a really good point. It's scary. Yeah, I've had trouble trusting, you know? I do. And it is kind of like what happens in the God place.

Sometimes there's big sky bees and such. It's almost a metaphor for when Dilbert went business casual. It's funny because you guys said how did this get made or whatever. Not or whatever. There's a part of me that's like

That is what you said, right? Yeah. That is what you said, right? Yeah. Yeah, that is what you said, right? Yeah. So I guess it's like in a way did Dilbert's dad have something to do with making The Good Place? Yeah. Was that a sneeze? Bless you.

Okay, then he earned it. So you're saying bless you. But we do have rooms. We do have the sneeze rooms. You know those little rooms? Sam You know those rooms, Sam? Sam, you know the rules if you have a sneeze coming up Get up, go in this private room

I forgot And clean up after And clean up and send me a picture of the room and it's clean So I know that when I go in there One when it's dirty and one when it's clean Yes Because you could be taking a picture of the room before you sneeze. Well, one of the other

sneeze rooms that I cleaned. Yeah. Or you could just have one picture saved in your phone. Yes. Of a clean sneeze room. Oh yeah, no. You've got to have a newspaper with it. Okay, that's right. And hopefully the newspaper is open to Dilbert Page. Hopefully he has his tie. He did such a cute little

shimmy when he said that. Yeah. Thanks, I'm the big sweetie. Hollywood Handbook. Hello, it's me, Junior Scripps III. I'm old man Scripps' spry little whippersnapper of a grandson. I'm

75 years old. So today's show is sponsored by Howl FM, and I'm here to tell you about it. I hope you like the podcast so far. And I wanted to dispel some rumors about my grandfather's company and mine and just say it's all piffle, hogwash, poppycock and the like the idea that we um put uh nail gun nails into our employees butts to make them sit and listen to podcasts longer uh not true uh the someone said we put industrial staples up into their eyebrows so that they are always sort of have their eyebrows up like, oh, good idea. Hmm, that's interesting. And that's not, we don't do that. You know, listen to a brand new Howl original series, which is made in a totally humane way. It's A Night Called Tomorrow with James Urbaniak

from the Venture Brothers or something and Hulu's Difficult People, so okay. And in this 10 episode comedic noir, James Urbaniak and Azul Parsons, which I guess is supposed to be a real name, star as two Angelenos who stumble upon an intergalactic conspiracy in 1958 Hollywood. Ooh, that ties in well with the Hollywood Handbook podcast you're listening to. Maybe you'll like this too. As far as some of the rumors about me personally outside the company that I only dolphin meat, roasted dolphin meat. grown earth

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Would somebody who's rude go to the good place or no? Somebody who's rude would not go to the good place. Okay. And then isn't it kind of rude to be on maybe two or maybe three TV shows and in movies when Hayes isn't even in one? This is a good way to approach this because I don't know if it's rude. It feels like it could be rude.

It feels rude because you're sitting across from Hayes. Yes. Who's beautiful. Right. And kind. And we do think about taking turns and how it is well known to be nice to take turns. And share.

Right. Sharing is good. Take turns. Yes. But could you flip it and say like, Hayes has written for just like a cornucopia of TV shows and I've written for none. Well.

So who's. Thanksgiving's coming up. Yes. And for you to call my TV shows that is also very rude. Wait, did I use. Does that word even make sense in this? Like a corn. I don't need enough that it doesn't to really come out strong against it.

But when you said it, I thought. It's weird. I said, I'm thinking she's using it wrong. I wouldn't say it out loud because I don't know. The weird thing is that I was going to say plethora, but then I'm like, everybody fucking says that word. Oh, that's so tight, so played. It's so basic. Darcy, don't be basic.

I try not to. Pumpkin spice. Yeah, exactly. It's like, get over it. Yeah, get over it. Stop. Yeah, we get it. So anyway, I think we probably cancel each other out.

You know what I'm saying? We're not, neither of us are taking turns in a way that's honestly fucked up. But you're being rude. Yeah. I mean, it's like even if you're both rude, you're both not going to the good place. Yeah, that's probably true. Yeah. Just be me up there with Sam.

I don't know if you'll go either. Are you crazy? Who is going in this cynical world of yours? That's the sad thing about it is it's such a small amount of people. But who is like? Who that I know is going? Yeah. I don't know.

My mom's great. Okay. And who is she playing with when she's up there? Probably her mom. My grandma's rad. Okay. That's all I can think of. Worm food.

You said it. Okay. That's all I can think of. Worm food. That's, you said it. Yeah. It's not rude for me to say that about it because you said it. Worm food. True. What do you think? Name someone you care about. Worm food.

Think about it. That's what you said. Anyone you love. What do you think happens? What do you think happens? And also, I'm going to be wrapped in aluminum foil anyway. Why? So, worms don't eat me.

Yeah. They can't get in. They're scared of the shine. Why don't you just have a coffin? Huh? Can worms get in coffins? It's expensive and it's bad for the environment. I agree.

Why don't you just get burned up? It's because the aluminum foil is like it would not burn. It doesn't burn. That's the idea behind it. Okay, sure. So I would at worst be like steamed really bad. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. What do you think happens?

What do you think happens? Well, I'm telling you what I know. Water grinds the pebble to dust. The dust becomes the soil. The soil grows the tree. The tree creates the soil. The soil grows the tree. The tree creates the oxygen. The oxygen feeds the little organisms that bind together to become the man. And the man becomes the soil and the pebble and the river and the tree.

And so can I be worm food? I'm already the worm in many ways. And we're made of star stuff. Hayes brings a great point. So I think that when you die, you fly around outer space and you're friends with aliens and rocks. Then in a way, aren't we all right? Aren't we all right?

I know Matthew McConaughey thinks so. Remember how he says it? I do. You just remembering it? Thinking on it? Yeah, it comes back to him in these waves, like these big waves. And he just has to kind of ride them out. Hang on, hang on.

I do it really well. Okay. All right, all right, all right. Remember? Well, sort of. Do you feel like he maybe said the L more? All right, all right, all right. That's him from the movies.

Which movie? Oh, I guess Contact. Yeah, that's a movie he was in. That is how he hears it, too. He hears everything a little bit slower. Right, right, right, right, right. Yeah. Okay.

So maybe he will get into The Good Place. Oh, that's part of it? Yeah, like when I think like when people feel bad for someone, they get like more points. Okay. What are some of my other impressions do you do any like you know like villains like maybe the jokers

well I mean famously yes why are you being so serious right can you do Casey Affleck at all oh yeah Why are you being so serious? Right. Can you do Casey Affleck at all? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. From which? Gone, baby, gone.

Hang on. You ever threaten her like that again, Cheese? I'm going to pull your fucking cock. So that means something. That's a couple points. That's not bad. Okay. Because when Cheese is threatening his girlfriend, he's not liking it.

That's true. Okay, so. Cheese might know where the baby is. A little context on what's happening now. A little contact. This person is named Kevin. That was funny. I'm so sorry.

It's not because of you that I didn't laugh at that. It's just like the Kevin stuff sort of weighs heavy on me. Yeah, I know, I get you. This, yes, the man before you is Kevin. Kevin has something to say, I guess. Yeah. Hi, Darcy. Hey, Kev.

First, I want to apologize for looking at you from the window as you entered. It came off probably creepier than it was, which I guess explains what I'm about to say. Okay. I'm first sorry for entering the room. say. I'm first sorry for entering the room. And Sean and Hayes have also noted creepy accusations,

I'd like to call it. And a lot of it is me taking photos of the guests without their permission. Accusations aren't creepy. It's you. You are. It's accusations of creepiness, but they're not creepy accusations. It's you and your behavior. Accusations are plain as day.

They're really straight up. It's hard just because it's like you looked at me outside when I was pulling in. You definitely looked at me from this fourth floor window or whatever. So you had a weird little eagle eye on me in a way that definitely made me feel uncomfortable. And you probably wondered if he was taking creep shots from up there. Yeah, I was thinking maybe he was taking creep shots already. And he was. Is that true?

Yeah. He likes watching people when they don't know he's watching them, doesn't he, Darcy? Yeah, I think that's exactly what's going on. And then I would like to apologize because after you – after I heard that you were looking at me out the window, I did whisper I'm going to kill you in your ear. And that is true, right? Yeah, and it is not the first time you've said that.

Okay, cool. That's all right. I'm kind of used to it at this point with you. Well. So I guess with that being said, can I take your photos or photos of you? Look me in the eye when you say that. Okay. I promise.

Look me in the eye when you say that. Can I take photos of you. Look me in the eye when you say that. Okay, I promise. Look me in the eye when you say that. Can I take photos of you? She's doing the blink. Her eye's messed up. Yeah, her eyelid is sort of tenderly licking her eye. So it's hard to do this. You know, that's just, that's not on Kevin so much. Kevin, take my photo.

Thanks. So Kevin will be taking some photos. I wouldn't mind, Darcy, if you took a photo of Kevin as well, just because I want people to know. It would be interesting for him to see what it feels like. Turn the lens. Yeah, against his will. For someone to take up.

With my phone? And he, no, let's get his camera away from him when he's done. He's wearing a shirt today that's a shirt that I own, but I've never worn it around him, which makes me think he's seen me wearing it. He has some pictures of me in it that I don't know

about, I didn't authorize. And he took them to a clothes maker. Because it is just slightly different. The color balance is almost a little bit off. So like he took a picture and was like, make this. Took a picture, took it to the clothes maker,

said, now I want this. Now I become Sean. I become the Sean. Yeah. And imagine if he was able to. What a chilling world. You know how he'd be able to know? He wouldn't be able to do my impressions.

Oh, that's true. Like you had another one you were about to do. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Oh, I remember. It's Ariel from The Little Mermaid. Oh, yeah. Hey, Mom.

Yes. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. Yes. That's a big oyster. That's right. Yeah. You got it. And now we do.

Are you just taking a long time? So when you're putting off when you have to have creep shots taken of you because you're wondering if it's not going to feel very good. I'm hoping that we can go until 3 o'clock when the next show is here and I'll say Oh, look at that. Time to go. Kevin, how old are you? 24.

Like the show? Because you're such a big fan of that show. Is that why that's your age? That's why I'm 24. You're going to try to choke us with a towel or whatever? I've been 24 for six years. Since you discovered that show. I'm actually very young as well.

I'm actually very young as well. Give Darcy the camera. Did you take a picture of me, Kevin? No. You can go first. And I think that used to be your Instagram name, right? Or is it still? Did you take a picture of me, Kevin?

No, Darcy Carden, famous photographer. That used to be my... But now you're a little too me, Kevin? No, Darcy Carden, famous photographer. That's right. That used to be my... But now you're a little too famous. Yeah. Can't really have famous in the title when you're famous. It's going to look weird. That's why you made the change. No, I...

I'm going to barf. This camera's like clicking. NBC was like, we're going to make you actually famous. You can't make fun of being famous. It's a bad look. Yeah, that's right. Well, it was more like, it was more just, I don't know how to explain it without sound. I mean, no, it's not that douchey.

It just was like they wanted my Twitter and my Instagram to be the same. So they made you do it. They said, they asked me to do it. I said, no, that's not who I am. And then they were like, please just do it. And I was like, yeah, okay. Okay. So fuck you both for making me.

Wait, I think I turned your camera off. Very thrilling. Yeah. No, okay. Ooh, good picture. This camera has a fail safe. Yeah, that's really good. I look really good in that.

You look really good in that. Okay. Kevin, did you take a good picture of me today? Not yet. I feel like you try to make haze look good, and you don't really do that. Oh, okay. Kevin, did you take a good picture of me today? Not yet. I feel like you try to make haze look good and you don't really do that for me.

I work my way up to you. Oh, I can see everything. Oh, it's on x-ray mode. Oh. Disgusting. He has a very specific color balance.

Oh, no. It's x-ray mode. Oh, he wants to see our bones. Is that right? What a sick freak. More skeleton porn for Kevin. Oh, sick. I've truly never had such a hard time taking a picture.

I made it really hard. Kevin got kicked out of biology class. For taking photos. For made it really hard. Kevin got kicked out of biology class. For taking photos. For being too horny. He's randier than intern Andy. Kevin, are you horny? Are you almost done taking photos? He's bursting.

He's about to burst. Look at him. This guy's dangerous. I'm a good photographer. This is... You must be pissed Halloween's over, huh? So much fucking skeleton porn for a freak like you.

Jesus, Kevin. No wonder. Wait, he's into skeleton porn? Yeah, that's why he got the camera on x-ray mode. That's what gets this guy off. Bones. Ugh, bones. I think what happened is he heard about boning as a sexual

term and it made him picture bones jamming together. And then that just got burned into his mind or something. You're right. Don't pretend to be on the show. I can't believe he's admitting it. No, take the headphones off.

This is not some kind of role play for you where you get to pretend. This isn't a treat where you get to be one of us. You still have to be you. I just want it for the photo to look professional like you guys. When you take my picture, I'm not being Kevin. I'm being me. Oh, I got not being Kevin. I'm being me. Oh, I got a good one. For better or worse.

Darcy, what's coming up? What's coming up? Well, Thanksgiving. Oh, no. That's what you meant. Are you in a show called Barry? Yeah. Okay.

And then is that Barry? Wow. Is that like people getting buried in their worm food? Well, in a way, yeah. Oh, no. But it's spelled like the name. How did they make that show? Okay, so they made it by, you know, Bill Hader and Alec Berg wrote it.

Wow. And then they were near a set. You show up. Enter Darcy. Around 4 o'clock. And I was like, we got to get to set, or we should at least. And? I like that you're not so bossy with it.

You're like, it's a good idea for me to do this. I'm still just a woman. Right. You know what I mean? But then you say, no, I'm in the show now. Right. Well, yeah, that's right. Because they're like, oh, now I have to deal with casting.

And I'm like, let me take some of the weight off your shoulders. Lighten that load. Yeah, exactly. So, you know, we've only made the pilot. So let's talk after. Who are you? Okay, I'm playing Natalie. And do you really want to know about the show?

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