Hollywood Handbook - Dave Holmes, Our Close Friend

Episode Date: February 17, 2014

Sean and Hayes tell listeners all about the good TV they watch it in a segment called "Who Watches The Watchmans" and revisit the "Teaser Freezer" to discuss "3 Days to Kill" starring Kevin Copsner. Then the boys are fired up to be joined by DAVE HOLMES aka the original Noid from the Domino’s pizza commercials to give us a quick sample from the board game he’s working on, teach the guys how to watch TV on their phones, and go back through some of his most famous MTV moments.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. So, I mean, I actually thought it was really nice when Dustin Brown came to us and was like, sorry for the misunderstanding, you guys are the LA Kings, obviously. Agree to disagree, that wasn't nice. It's as if I don't know that well they're the LA goalies now and I think that's a good that's a good name agree to disagree hey welcome

to Hollywood handbook what up what up what up insider's guide to kicking butt and dropping names in the red carpet lineback hallways of this industry we call showbiz a lot of action this week

it's was it was Valentine's Day Ellen Page is gay uh we watched a lot of good tv oh baby we like to call ourselves the watchmans so this is a segment called who watches the watchmans because we watch we're the watchmans because we watch a lot of good TV and we're checking our watches to know when the good shows are on. And so who watches the watchmans and set your watch to do it? Because the R

in DVR is for remember to DVR the show. Yes, we always say that. Yeah, we always say that because it's DV, digital video, remember, to DVR, digital video, record, the show you want to watch. Mm-hmm. The Watchmans.

You should explain because you don't own a TV. I don't own a TV. That's been well documented, and some people don't believe me. Search my house. It'll take you all friggin' week. It's so big, but and my dad won't like that you're there.

He, you know, we'll set a time because there's times when no one can come in and I'm grounded right now. But, search my house. There's. But I don't own a TV. So when I want to watch one of the Watchmen's favorite shows, I have a nice little ritual where I put on a good suit and I go down to one of my favorite restaurants,

one of the bistros that Hayes and I frequent, Movies Bistro or any one of those, and I order the shrimp scallopini, the pasta pomodoro, the meatballs, and I get my napkin all set and I get my napkin all set and I have the Mater D run down to a Best Buy or to a to a Circuit City or whatever it is

and I say get me the biggest TV they have and they come and they set it up in front of me on my table and I crank it and I just blast the volume so the whole restaurant can enjoy whatever show the watchmans are deciding to watch. You were telling me you really enjoyed this past week's episode of The Following. Oh my.

Well, I haven't seen all of them. So it was a little tough to follow. But not for me because I've seen so much movies and TV. Kevin Baking is playing a mean detective.

A mean detective. He kind of hates detecting, but that's his job. It would be like if I hate making movies. What a conflict. And it's nice to have conflict inside your character. So he, in this week, is looking at pictures, driving, driving. he's yelling. And he, and he also the whole time has his badge with him just in case. So when he finds out the killer he hates is wants to do more killing

you don't want this mean guy mad at you like that he screams and he just about smashes right out of the TV what'd he say cut it out out of the TV. What'd he say? Cut it out! I mean, I threw my scallopini in my own face. I got

scared by it. But not a bad scare. Not a Dracula scare. But just a emotion scare. And so it was good. And another thing about following is he is following this guy. I give it an A-.

A-. Now, Hayes this week was really enthralled with the latest The Blacklist. Our favorite criminal trying to help get criminals on The Blacklist. Yes. The Blacklist follows, don't confuse it with The Following. It does follow characters, but it's not that kind of following from the show. The Blacklist follows Artememis black famous killer and he in the very beginning is wearing a black hat and a black jacket a list of clothes that are black and he goes to the police station and he says he holds out his arms and they think that he's going to strangle somebody.

But really what he wants to do is to them is put the handcuffs on. And now he is on the police. And because he has a killer's mind, he knows the next step of every killer. knows the next step of every killer and when he sees footprints he goes inside the killing and he can watch it take place and he can tell the police what's going to happen next and who is who is uh who will who what the killing is about and so at the same time there's always the danger that he will escape and this week he did this week he did escape and they said artemis black is on the loose and all he wants to do is kill and so he did kill somebody but the person he killed was the killer that they were searching out and he did it on purpose oh my it's addicting yes when you start

watching and i'm afraid i mean my uh spaghetti bills are going to go through the roof this month because I think I want to see at least two more of the following and maybe even one of the blacklists. And that's three meals. You have to eat a lot of spaghetti for all the binge-watching you're doing. That's right. Which is why they call it binge-watching. Yeah, that's why.

Because you're binging on spaghetti. Yes, I don't know if you guys have heard of this, but some people like to binge watch TV, and that means that you go to a nice restaurant and you eat meatballs and spaghetti pomodoro and the shrimp scalpini, and then you stick your toothbrush down your throat and you make yourself throw up.

Because in this town, you gotta be thin, baby. Throw up. Because in this town, you gotta be thin, baby. We wanted to do a... We got a lot of heat in the forums about doing a teaser freezer. We haven't done one in a while. It's a very popular segment we do. Teasers are movie commercials.

They show in front of the movies. They you who's going to be in them very quickly if you want to see movies and you want to know what we mean go to, go to New York, even for just a day, they have big movie house screens and you go in and get tickets. You gotta kind of get in with the ticket boss. Yes. You need to kind of make friends with the tickets and a guy and find out what he likes

and then if you can make that connection, he'll get you the ticket. You go in. You sit down. Don't panic when the first thing comes on the screen. That's not the movie you paid for. That's the teasers. That is the teasers.

And so what we like to do, we have a little appliance in the studio, and it's called a teaser freezer, and it's full of cold teasers and we like to open it up and reach inside and pull out one of the best teasers and play it for you guys and we talk about it. And explain why it's a good teaser and why it's going to be a good movie and worth coming all the way out here to see

if you live in one of the very bad states or even countries that litter this world. Mexico. So. My eyes. It's too snowy.

I've got frostbite. I'm losing my fingals. Okay, we got the teaser. We got the teaser. We got the teaser. And this week's teaser is Three Days to Kill starring Kevin Kopsner. Let's play the teaser now. That's the green part. Five minutes from now, this team will save thousands of lives. Under no circumstances does this briefcase leave the area.

So, we already told you that Kevin Koppner was in it, but you might be hearing that voice and saying, who is that? That sounds like an old guy who just woke up. Or maybe an old kind of cartoon duck who's chomping on a cigar, chomping on a duck cigar. Yeah, somebody, the main

cartoon's mean neighbor. Yeah. Hey, come here, you mean beaver. It's a duck and a duck cigar. Yeah, somebody, the main cartoon's mean neighbor. Yeah. Hey, come here, you mean beaver. It's a duck and a beaver in a cartoon. Come on over here and I'll trick you. And so that's

sort of the voice. But that's Kevin Kopsner. Yes. And we know the secret to talking like that. Yes, and we know that our old friend Kevin has borrowed a trick from another old friend of ours.

Joaquin Phoenix lent Kevin, and this is the kind of scoop you only get on this show, he lent Kevin his same hoagie that he was munching on during the entirety of the filming of Her and The Master, and he let Kevin take a big bite of the hoagie before every take and so it gives you that nice gritty feeling to your speech now he plays a guy who is on a killing team and but he is killing people and it's maybe for the government uh and he's gonna save a lot of people. It's a good killing team.

They kill only the bad guys. He's a lot like Artemis Black because when he's doing killing and it does make him a killer, he's also doing killing so other people don't kill someone else. Yes. Good or bad, when you work for the agency,

all teams in position, it becomes your whole life. Okay. He said good or bad, but he also said it was good because they're supposed to save a lot of lives. That's right. And this is sort of a new concept in storytelling

to have a killer killing somebody who would kill someone else so that it is bad to kill, but good to not let the other guy kill and one thing i want to point out he says when you work for the agency now you might think they're talking about me and hayes we work for big agencies because we make a fuck ton of money for the fucking big 10 percenters William Morris CAA UTA WME Endeavor and Gwarsh we make so much

money for them it's like but they work for the agency that's not what he means we don't know what agency this is maybe it's paradigm and he put a bomb on his foot and he put it under the car with his shoe and oh, he's got a gun and he shot the car and now

he threw a guy out and now he's driving and he's wearing a gas mask and the other guy gets a car bomb blows up. You heard about it earlier. I'm going to spend the rest of my life killing feet. You're the best agent for this job, Ethan. We need you. Ethan from Mission Impossible.

I spent a little more time with my daughter and my wife. Now, I want to say, I said Ethan from Mission Impossible. That's just a note I made to myself to remember. When you are making a movie about a sort of a secret agent who works for a top secret agency, a hired killer, who's sort of being dragged in to do another job that's very difficult and maybe is a little reluctant, but they're highly skilled. They're the best man for it. Why not use the same name, first name, as that exact same character in another popular movie?

Because now we really know. This guy really is this kind of guy. I have a note. And it's that I think this character should have been named James Bond. Okay. I love that note. And in fact, Ethan from Mission Impossible was called James Bond in the draft we made. And we did sue and win when they didn't shoot that one.

When they change it. And so thanks for the boat and the two houses and the helicopter boat but we're still mad about that and and you still could fix it if you name this guy james bond so he wants to spend more time with his daughter uh and he doesn't want to kill anymore for the agency but he's the best agent they've got presumably because he is an old man and nobody shoots and does flips like a guy who sounds just so tired well yes when you need to very when it's all about reflexes and outrunning someone and fighting someone the older the better that's why all the best athletes

are in their late 50s early 60s and all of the best secret agents same thing leave me in mom there's no easy answer i was gonna ask you to look after zoe while i go to london for work i can handle it you have to now you know why she's going to london it's not for any personal reason it's for work and that's the kind of thing that you need to get out of the teaser. When somebody's going somewhere, you need to say why and for what purpose. If any of you dumb fucks ever luck-ass your way into making a movie and you need to cut the teaser for it, don't make the mistake we've seen get made where somebody's going to London

and you think they might be visiting their friend or going to take a pottery class or something. You say it's for work and now I'm interested. And now Kevin Kopsner is riding a bicycle through Paris with his 17

year old daughter on his lap. It's like a Parisian thing. You have to make me a promise. Are you done? Are you really done working for them what's happening to me he looks sick you're sick he is i could offer you an experimental drug that might just give you your life the experimental drug is a needle that comes in a red box for you so let's catch everyone up ethan was a killer but he wanted to get out but then he got sick he fell on the floor and he uh wasn't seeing things right anyone who's been sick falls on the floor and you know that at home and he the only way to get out is to get this experimental drug that only the agency has

it comes in a red velvet box you go to the pharmacy you ask the pharmacist you say i'm really sick i need the certain drug and they slide a very nice box across the across the table and you open it up and it's a special box designed just for the needle that has yeah it's a needle box you go to duane reed or you go to the walgreen and you ask for uh you say i fell down on the floor and things don't look right and now this movie set in the past when this drug was still experimental period piece but now they would slide a very expensive box with red velvet and just

shaped perfectly for the needle and you stick it in you feel better that's the job you have three days to kill so that's what that was okay so now always say the name of your movie in the teaser.

I can't tell you how pissed I was when I was watching the teaser for American Hustle. And they said, this is the biggest hustle yet. And they said, hey, man, that's the American hustle. And they said, this is the biggest hustle yet. And they said, hey, man, that's the American way. And all these different things all around it. And they expect you to take all these floating disparate pieces and put them together when it's really their job to do that. That's what editing is. When I went to my ticket man friend and tried to talk to him about the movie, I said, I want to see the movie. I think it's The American Way.

Or maybe it's The Greatest Hustle Ever Pulled. And he didn't know what I was talking about because they didn't do their job. You know, a lot of my friend's dads are in sales. And not one of them dresses like you. Now, this is something we have to explain because it's a visual joke. She says a lot of her friend's dads are in sales, but none of them dresses like he does, which is he wears a suit with a black coat. Yeah, like a coat over his suit.

Black pants and a white shirt and a tie. Right. So it's like, oh, are you really in sales? Are you in sales or are you actually a hired killer because it's like he's actually and i it sounds like we're exaggerating but if you haven't seen it but he's wearing a full suit a full suit with tie like a yellow tie like sort of a big tie on the yeah over his over a button shirt yeah white A white button shirt. So it's like, what are you selling in that? Selling bullets to

somebody's body. Yeah, right into someone's head. Yeah, real cheap, too. He pulled the guy out of the car. He punched him. I want to make dinner tonight. And I want to make spaghetti sauce. I'm sorry.

I need your help. Okay. So now we get into the meat of what makes this a really great teaser. He's interrogating. You can see that he's interrogating a guy. It looks like he's about to beat him up in the face. He gets a call from his daughter who is sitting on an abandoned roller coaster when she calls she's just finished taking pictures of it or something she's sitting on the abandoned roller

coaster she calls during the interrogation she got us zoe i want to make dinner tonight and i want to make spaghetti sauce, and so I need your help. It just so happens I'm in a meeting here with the real live Italian that he wants to give you. It's a great recipe. Why don't you say hello to my daughter? Hello.

I am a guido. Okay. Now it's a teaser. All right. Did any of you see that piece of shit taken remember the big failure movie that came out a few years ago that's the point you didn't so they made this failed movie a couple years back which had a lot of things right it was a very much older man so he obviously was the best secret agent he didn't want to kill anymore but they need him to because

he's old guy so then he is going to do all his killing and fighting but he never is being funny about his daughter

cause she's got taken away for the whole movie. He never is any sticky situations where he has to pretend to be doing a different job while his daughter, he's trying to

just be a normal dad. And so, this movie, they tried to fix it in the second one. They made a second, because that movie lost so much money

but was almost a good idea they had to make a second one you see this all the time that they make another movie the first Mighty Ducks now they gotta make Mighty D2 the Mighty Ducks

Terminator 2 they gotta make because they screwed it up because in the first Terminator he's not having a kid

and being a kind of a dad to the kid, giving high fives in between blowing somebody away. Then the second one, they fix it. Now that's a hit. They had to make U-572 because in the first one, it was just the guys and none of their kids. So the second one, they have the sub, but it's like a father-daughter sub. Yeah, it's all, yes, all the daughters are on the sub.

Now, so for Take It 2, they screw it up. They still don't get it right. This, they finally fixed it, said we can't call it Take In 3. We're going to call it Three Days to Kill. Yeah. We'll add disease thing. People love disease stuff. But most importantly, the daughter wants to eat spaghetti and that's funny and it just so

happens that he's there with an italian guy and a really good idea when you have somebody from another country in your movie is to make them say their name in a funny voice and also name them something that is also a racial slur for the type of thing that they are. Yeah, absolutely. Because if an Italian guy was to say, like, I'm the driver, he'd go, I'm a da driver. So this guy's name's Guido. I'm a Guido. I am a Guido. I am a Guido, and I'm a da driver right so this guy's name's Guido I'm a Guido I am a Guido

I am a Guido right and I'm Guido if you have an Irish guy you could name him maybe something like Mick short for Mickey I'm a Mick

I'm a Canuck correct you know if you got some Canadian uh loser right and we just want to point out

you don't have to go back and make a sequel to this one. We could say racial slurs all day. Because they actually are doing it right. Yes, we could say them all day. I have a million of them. Yeah.

More than that. That's not what the podcast is. No. That's for... We did that one. Yes, we did that one last week. He beats up a bunch of kids. He kisses.

But I am sure that if you don't try this, Joe, you'll be dead in three days. Kisses his friend. One guy. Not five. And there's a part where she said there'd be one guy. Not five guys. Now, that is almost too many guys. Yes, it's on the edge of too many guys. Yes. It's on the edge of too many guys.

He is old enough that I could imagine him killing five guys very easily but you may want to make it four guys if you make it a movie. Because he was only expecting one guy. And also no matter how much time it seems has elapsed between the last time he talked

to this woman about the drug and the first time, always to this woman about the drug and the first time always make sure to remind us it's three days yeah you have three days you know to kill so i think this is all one day yes and that's about the time say it was a day later that he talks to her he could conceivably have forgotten like what the drug is for even within the trailer yeah so you know that was like or whether he's sick or not that was like 45 seconds ago that you heard that this drug would save his life and then you saw all the punching and the and the cars and so then you sort of think wait a second was there something with like a drug? Or is do I need to know that?

Him being sick? Yeah. Is that part of the movie? Yeah, it's part of the movie. You might want to ride home. Did you hear that? The spare's loose in the trunk. Hey, I'm trying to have a conversation with my daughter.

I'm sorry, sweetie. Now, where were we? He was in the car with his daughter there was a noise she heard it he said the spare was loose in the trunk the car's not moving but sometimes the spare will just like hop around like yeah it's if you've got jumping beans or something in your spare tire which makes it more buoyant sometimes the jumping beans get going and they'll make the spare move so he gets a good cover he gets out of the the spare move. So it's a good cover. He gets out of the car.

He opens the trunk. There's a guido back there who's all tied up. And he says, he takes a big bite of hoagie. He goes, oh, excuse me. I'm trying to have a conversation with my daughter. And he winds up for daughter because that's very funny. And you need to really punch it that's the hook and that's the hook and he's also it's a real fuck you to liam neeson because

he's like i actually have my daughter in the movie with me and i'm not just yelling about her to somebody we don't even know that's the teaser freezer we'll close it back up and put the teaser back on ice so it doesn't spoil. And then we have a guest now coming up, and his name is Dave Holmes. And he's here to talk about Hollywood on Hollywood Handbook. Hollywood Handbook. So I wasn't mad at you, I was just mad at myself. But do you get it now like that actor played

arthur franzarelli on happy days and his name was ponzi they called no no they called him ponzi yeah so if he had put his money it doesn't it really doesn't matter what up what up hey welcome to hollywood handbook and insider's guide to kicking button dropping names in the red carpet lineback hallways of this industry we call showbiz. So fired up, so fired up today about the guest that we have on the show. Such an exciting guest. Such an exciting day for us to be sitting here with a guy who meant so much to both

of us. We're here with the original Noid from the Domino's Pizza commercials. That's not actually true. That's not actually true. You're Dave Holmes? Yeah. Yeah. It says right.

Yeah. I was working then, but I was not. I might have inadvertently influenced that character, but that was not me. I did not provide the voice for that, no. Which Noid were you? I was never any of the Noids. I was not any of the Noids. Not the original or even the second or third Noid.

No. No. Sam? Yeah, what's going on? What's going on? Do you want me to, should I come back? No, this isn't, no, let's do this in front of you, because this will be good for Sam to be embarrassed, because obviously he doesn't care what Hayes and I think.

Yeah. But when you give us these note cards, we expect the information to be 100% accurate, and we've asked you to get two sources on these. I swear to you, I found that online. Well, you can find anything online. Yeah. That's like saying, I heard it on the street. No, someone had left it in a comment.

In the comments. That doesn't make it any better. Anybody can say anything in a comment. And now we have all these questions that we can't use, Sam. These questions are worthless. And Sam, for your own good, don't read comments. Because they're not going to be so flattering about you if you're reading, you know. I don't know if you've been to the Earwolf Reddit.

They're not fans. So, well, I just said don't check it out. Well, I'm so sorry, Dave. If you guys want to pull it together, I can come back. Do you know the original Noid? I don't know the original Noid. You're not going to be able to answer any of these. Honestly, nobody knows the original Noid.

That was a very, it was a mysterious character. They kind of kept that voice and the person who did the motion capture very, very much under wraps. Probably some people know who it is, but I'm not privy to that knowledge. very, very much under wraps. Probably some people know who it is, but I'm not privy to that knowledge. Well, he hated pizzas, had to destroy all the pizzas. He had the wizard,

froze the pizza. It was a success. It was a banger of an ad campaign. Yeah, I'm just going through the questions that I had. Keep the pizzas away from him. You've got to avoid it. Do you want to tell us about you? Is that sort of a change? Okay, so what you're saying is you would've got to avoid it. Do you want to tell us about you? Is that like sort of a change of... Okay, so what you're saying is you would like me to do your research for you while I'm here.

Not exactly, but more what we're in the neighborhood of saying is, wouldn't it be a fun twist for you to take sort of the hosting reins? You guys have improv training. I can feel it. I can feel it because obviously you've made a mistake, but in the world of improvs, there are no mistakes. No, the Sufi weaver, when they've made a mistake in their loom as they put together a blanket or a rug, incorporate it into the pattern and repeat that mistake so that ultimately

it's not a mistake. It's now part of the piece. Right. And that's comedy. That's sort of what comedy is. That's sort of what comedy is. It is a tapestry. And also it surprises.

It's a tapestry. Yeah, I mean, so just tell me what you want me to do. Listen, I'm here. I'm here. So just point me in a direction.

Tell me what you want me to do. How about that? Why don't we save ourselves some time? It's a beautiful Saturday. Let's save ourselves some time. Really nice out. What do you you want me to do. How about that? Why don't we save ourselves some time? It's a beautiful Saturday. Save ourselves some time. Really nice out. What do you need from me? For anyone in one of the shitty states, it's so nice out today on

this Saturday. I'm going to have a pool party later today just to Instagram it. Oh, you have a pool? I do have a pool. Of course I have a pool. I have a lot of friends on the East Coast, in the Midwest. I grew up in the Midwest. They check their Instagrams, especially now because they have nothing to do but stay home. So I'm going to put on

some board shorts. I'm going to take my shirt off. I'm going to have some friends over. We're going to have some brews. We're going to have some pizzas, ironically. Ooh. And I'm going to Instagram it. So you're sort of the opposite of the Noid. I am, in fact, the opposite of the Noid. That's why that was so galling to me for that to be the first thing that I heard when I

came in here. You do eat pizza. Of course I eat pizza. Sam. Who fucking doesn't eat pizza? Do you see what you did? Was it literally in the notes for me that I don't eat pizza? Or that I hate and want to destroy pizza? You want to destroy all pizza.

Well, that's just fucking foolish. That's fucking foolish. Let's cut the shit. I've worked in TV for a couple of decades in a lot of different capacities. I've been on camera. I've been behind the camera. I've been at the laptop. I've been at the edit bay. I've been on the stages. I've been under the headphones. I've been at the mic. I've done all kinds. Really, honestly, it would take less time for me to say what I haven't done. Do you want to do that? Do you want to just really quickly go through some things I haven't done

just to get it out of the way? Just to get it out of the way. Just to get it out of the way, I haven't flown a plane. Never flown a plane. Not to say that I won't. You would love it. Really? Oh, yes. What a rush.

Oh, yeah. Have I flown private? Yes. Have I jumped out of a plane? Yes. Never flown a plane. A lot of pressure. The perspective up there, it's just a whole new outlook well you don't you never look

at things the same way again these things fly themselves these days and i don't like that i liked the old-fashioned when i would be pushing the buttons and pulling the levers but okay golden era is gone haven't flown a plane uh a plane. Have not done a board game. I mean, I've played a board game, but there is no board game that has my name on it. Not like a Rob Delaney type. Not like a Rob Delaney. No, I haven't done that yet. Again, these are things that are on my list.

I just haven't gotten to them yet. You do Twitter, right? Of course I do Twitter. Why is there no board game? You have to do Twitter. You have to. Just keep your head above water these days. Get your pen scoop troop.

Listen, you have to be generating content at all times these days. So, of course, I'm on Twitter. But why is there no board game where people can fill in the blanks of your tweets? Fill in the blanks of my tweets? You say that as though I'm not working on it or workshopping it. I'm, of course, doing that. But I think it's a good year, two years out. Okay.

Can you give us a quick sample of one of the cards from your board game? Absolutely. Yeah, of course I can. I'll do one from the Grammys. Boy! That lord sure looks blank. Oh! So then it's like, you know, and I think this

will be as relevant to five, ten, twenty years down the road as it is today. Even more so. So what do you think? What's your answer? Smart. Lord, Sherlock. Sherlock smart?

Smart. Okay. I was going to say genius. Wow. Yeah. Interesting. Interesting. Disheveled.

Oh. Disheveled. She needs to run a brush through the hair. If she wants to have a second eye, if she wants to stretch this out for another year, let's get a little leave-in conditioner and let's fucking brush the hair. That new song of hers is really touching on some new topics, you know?

Like what? Well, because... Her friends are different from other people who care about being famous. Well, and it's not about glamour. No. You know? Yeah, she it's not about glamour. No. You know? Yeah, she's versatile.

She's versatile. Songs are usually about glamour and nice clothes and diamond rings and fancy car and drinking expensive liquors. Right. I don't have,

there's not a lot of regrets that I have in my life. There's not a lot that I look at and I go like, oh, you know, I wish that I was able

to be there. I wish, this is the only time that I really wish that A, that there was still a channel that played music videos and B, that I was on it because I would just love to introduce one of hers because I think she's genius. I would love to say, here's Lorde on camera. And I don't, I mean, can I do it into my webcam and put it wherever I want and have millions of people watch it?

Yeah. But it won't be the same thing. It won't be the same thing. It won't be the same thing. I would like to be on a deck somewhere in a warm climate and just say, you know, here she is. Can't do it. Can't do it. Can't do it yet.

Why don't they play music videos anymore? Well, you know, people seem to want to watch people who've been in a real world house uh slip on uh on on slick patios and uh and drink drinks and punch each other in the i don't know if you're familiar with the challenge franchise but it has really taken over it's really taken over i'll explain to you really quickly they take people from the real it's a genius idea they take people from the real world who who were just gonna stay in the real world house for a while. They have modest ambitions, the people who go into the real world house. They want to go in.

They want to learn something about themselves, about their fellow man. They want to broaden their minds. They want to go back home and just get a regular job. The producers step in and say, no, no. Let's stretch it out for another six months. Let's put you in a house with other people who have been in different houses. months. Let's put you in a house with other people who've been in different houses. We will deprive you of oxygen

and give you just gallons of booze. And then you'll roll tires over. Or you'll be in the giant inflatable ball that rolls down a hill. You know what I mean? That kind of thing. A Zorb? Is that what it's called? I never knew.

It's called a Zorb. i never knew have you wow you haven't no no okay so that's on the list so it's board game plane and zorb but you should start with zorb yeah there's some good hills around here too that thing you're describing is just not tv like what happened to real tv of watching people sing the song that you're hearing? Right, right. Yeah. You know? Yeah, and then pretend that a girl who's an actress is their girlfriend and they're singing about her.

Right. But it's actually their daughter. What happened to pretending that your real life daughter is your girlfriend in a music video? Yes, making your daughter an object of sexual desire, you know, in the song that you're singing. God almighty. Where did that go? Yeah. Those were fun days.

Those were fun days. But you know what? Honestly, things are cyclical. Right? They're all cyclical. It'll come back. It'll come back. Yeah.

There was a time when, you know, you wouldn't dream of wearing a flared trouser. It's coming back. You know what I mean? Yeah. There was a time when you wouldn't think about wearing a flared trouser. It's coming back. You know what I mean? There was a time when you wouldn't think about wearing a high-waisted pant, but that is coming back. It's coming back. So I think all fashions are cyclical. I believe that will be back. I think when Liv Tyler has children of her own, perhaps she'll start singing and then forcing them to take their shirts off.

Must have a voice on her. What's she hiding? You would have to imagine. Gotta have some pipes she's been saving hiding? You would have to imagine. Gotta have some pipes she's been saving them. You would have to imagine. I honestly, I feel like her career

has been managed impeccably. Because you always want a little more Liv Tyler. Don't you? You always want to know what she's doing. You always want to know what she's going to do next.

But she doles it out. She doles it out with an eyedropper. With an eyedropper. With an eyedropper. Yeah, she's exquisite. Scoop Troop, if one wants to be remembered as tasting well, one must leave them hungry for more. That's right.

That's a lesson from Ms. Liv Tyler. That's right. That's right. Small plates. That's what I call her. Tapas. She's the tapas. Liz Smallplates.

Of Hollywood actresses. Liv Smallplates Tyler. That's what I will always refer to her as. I just think it's smart. I think it's a smart career move. Dave Holmes. Stage name? Yes.

Can I smell a stage name? Yes. He is batting a thousand on stage names. I've never seen him ask and not know for sure and not hear a yes as the answer to the yes or no question of if it's a

stage name when he asks that. I'm with family. You know what I mean? Yeah. Oh, yeah. These are your people. What is your birth name? Ed Spielers, which is crazy because there is now a man named Ed Spielers on Downton Abbey. Crazy.

Isn't that crazy? Just Ed. Yeah. Ed Spielers. Ed Spielers. Mm-hmm. He's Jimmy, the handsome whatever. Handsome cab driver?

The handsome cab driver. And it makes sense that you've got such a playful personality because spiel is the German word for game or play. Oh, is that true? Yes. I hear it a lot around town. I assumed it was an English word. So it's like Ed Gamers.

And you're a huge gamer. I am. I'm a really big gamer, yeah. I like to play. I like to play. I like to play. Talk to us about Xbox. Yeah. Sure. It's a game system. But it's not just that anymore.

Because you can watch TV through it. I don't know if you've noticed, but... What? Yeah, TV is not the same as it was five, ten years ago. Okay. No kidding. You can through your Xbox, through your Blu-ray, on your telephone. Take out your telephone. That seems strange, but okay.

Take out your telephone. I've got it right here. Turn it. You'll notice that that is about the dimensions of a television screen. So you can bring television with you in your pocket, or through the Xbox. You can watch television on your television. Hang on, hang on, hang on,

hang on, hang on. I'm just still working on getting it, uh, getting it right side. That's the front. Yeah. Yeah.

Now you want to, that's the shiny, the shiny, that's the under touch, the shiny part. Wait, there'll be, there'll be,

when you touch it with your friend, are you holding, is that my phone? Are you holding my phone and I've got yours? Did we change phones? Did we switch? Okay. Okay.

Let me get the button down. Right. And let me just pour a little. It looks like the battery's low. I'm going to pour a little. There it is. Got it. There it is.

We're going to work on this. What do we do now? I'm going to work on this with you a little bit is. We're going to work on this. What do we do now? I'm going to work on this with you a little bit later. I'm going to work on it. The point that I'm trying to make. Well, it's on now. Right. How, like, we want to go through the whole thing of turning it off?

We did that whole thing. Hang it up. How? Press end. Press end. Press end. End? Press end.

It's not pressing. Just press it. Press it with your finger. Hang on on, I'm gonna stomp on it Yeah I got the good case The case is too good Yes, let's get it out of the case Sam, do you have a

Needle nose or Some kind of claw hammer We gotta shove a paper clip in the back Give me a shoehorn. I think I can do it with a shoehorn. Well, let's just leave it going.

It's irrelevant to the point that I was making. What was that? Well, there's a dial tone that's really loud. It'll just wear itself out. It'll get tired. That dial tone will get bored.

He knows he's not welcome. There is a person making that noise. There is one person who is in charge of making that noise and he will get bored. He knows he's not welcome. There is a person making that noise. There is one person who is in charge of making that noise, and he will tire out. Yeah, just a sleepy guy. Yeah. So we'll just let him go.

So we just want to wait him out? Yeah, he just has kind of gotten to work. It is pretty early in the morning. Yeah. Sounds pretty fresh. And it's, you know, for the listener who might not live here in L.A., it sounds like a shitty gig. It's not.

It's very good. It is a union gig. There is a great deal of security in that job. Everybody knows who you are. And so much access, I was going to say. A lot of access. Yeah, everyone knows who you are, and you just have your tentacles in sort of everything

if you're the dial tone guy. Yeah. Dial tone off. I command you off. Oh, that worked. That worked. I remember now that there was something. You've got to be gruff with him.

You've got to be gruff with him. Mm-hmm. Oh, what I was saying was you can watch TV anywhere, even on your TV. Through the X... Oh, wow. Yeah, you turn on your Xbox. You pull out one of your joystick controllers, you go through some screens, put in a TV disc, you scroll through several screens, you type in, they

have a long keyboard where you move a cursor around, you type in the name of a show that you want to watch, and it will sometimes show you episodes of that show if you have already subscribed or bought that season. So much better with the new face of television to move a joystick around a keyboard and type your password in instead of just using your fingers. It's all changing in such amazing ways. And I love that it takes longer. Like an animal. I'm so tired of mashing my fingers on the keyboard.

I think it's ridiculous. Someday we'll talk to it. Someday we'll talk to it and it will understand us. Now, some of this stuff you're talking about, Dave, is this, is it fair to say that it's different and so it's been changes that make it happen and the models are maybe changing and the industries may be changing? Explain what you mean by that. are maybe changing and the industries may be changing. Explain what you mean by that. Like,

so if 20, 30 years ago it wasn't changed like this, then isn't it maybe changing and the industry and the models are changing? You know, I think you're really touching on something interesting. I think you really are touching on something interesting. The

marketplace is different. It definitely has changed. Is this a little dangerous for this show? I mean, you know, we're just supposed to be a light-hearted conversation about Hollywood and stuff. I know. I just don't know how... I know, but you can't... How far we want to go. I don't want to

get Scott Anchorman in trouble, but... Yeah, and I don't... I don't want to... This show is like a delicious pizza, and I don't want to fucking... I don't want to come in and destroy it. You don't want to get Scott Anchorman in trouble. Yeah, and I don't... I don't want to... This show is like a delicious pizza, and I don't want to come in and destroy it. You don't want to get a jackhammer and stand on top of it. No.

This is making me think that you are secretly the Noid. I am not. You're trying to lead us off the set. You can't always... Who says they don't want to destroy pizza? Well, because what I'm trying to say... You wouldn't need to mention it. Most people wouldn't always eat pizza. Who says they don't want to destroy pizza? Well, because what I'm trying to say... You wouldn't need to mention it.

Most people wouldn't even mention it. What I'm trying to say is that you can get a little... It's like the Jerry Seinfeld cookbook, right? You can get a little vegetable in your cookie, in your brownie, in your mashed potato. Sneak a little in. Right, so it can't all be pizza. It can't all be...

Sometimes you gotta get rid of the pizza, and you've got to eat the broccoli. But that is what the Noid would want to do, and I'm not accusing you of anything. But that's what the Noid would want. Okay, that's foolish to me to go down that road. What I'm saying is, let's mash up some fucking broccoli, let's put it in the kid's brownies, let's make the kid fucking eat the broccoli. That's sort of what he did with his comedy of it tasted like a delicious cookie. Right. But there were some big ideas that sort of snuck in there with a frosting thing.

There were nutrients and there were shards of glass that would just cut up your throat on the way down. But you wanted it. You wanted more. A lot of edge. Yeah. So, yeah, that was a really interesting point. I'm glad you brought that up. It is different. Me too. I'm glad I wanted it. You wanted more. A lot of edge. Yeah. So, yeah, that was a really interesting point. I'm glad you brought that up. It is different.

Me too. I'm glad I said it. Let's do something. Let's change the subject. A little game or something? Yeah, something more lighthearted. I can feel the listener just being like, It's maybe too much veggies at this point.

Right, right. It's, yeah. It's maybe too much broccoli. Now we have to put some chunks of brownie into the broccoli. You can't eat only broccoli. If you ate just broccoli, you would die. It's really dangerous. Right.

Have you tried it on a pizza, though? Have you tried broccoli? You keep coming back to changing pizza. Right. Slowly having less and less pizza. It's just a way that I can make you understand things. So I keep coming back to that. Okay. There is no deeper meaning to it. It's just a way that I can make you understand things. So I keep coming back to that. Okay.

There is no deeper meaning to it. It's just a way that I can. Okay. And I hope not. And I'm going to just, and it's the last time I'll say it. And I don't want to talk about the Noid anymore. Nobody does. He would love... He would love the agenda you're pushing right now of transforming pizza into mostly broccoli

and then ultimately that's how you eliminate pizza. And he would probably show up in disguise as like an entertainment jack-of-all-trades. Yeah. I can't tell you how foolish you look right now. I really can't. Let's change the subject. Let's move on.

It seems like... He wouldn't want to talk about it anymore. Also, under your hood, you have your hood up. I do. And it does seem like there are two big ears. No, that's just... What is that? No, it's... A lot of times, I have friends

in... We live in Los Angeles. It's a creative town. I have friends on the east side of Los Angeles in your Eagle Rock and your Echo Parks, and they design clothes. And sometimes they ask me to wear them because I'm often photographed. And so sometimes I like to try some things that are kind of new and exciting. So, yeah, am I wearing a hoodie that looks like there are things stuffed into the top of it? Yeah. Yeah.

It's 68 degrees today. I need a little bit of extra warmth. And I want to, you know, shine the spotlight on my friend Carrie. What's her brand? She stuffed hood hoodies. That makes sense. That sounds new.

Dave, you used to do a lot of work for MTV. A lot of hosting gigs. I thought we would go back through some of your most famous MTV moments and you can kind of walk us through

that'd be great so let's go back to MTV News Studios sure you've just gotten over the wire that Aaliyah has passed

in a plane crash oh god we'll all remember where we were Loader can't do the show. He's high on goofballs. Serena Altschulz,

where would she be? She was big on the concert circuit. If there was a package tour going on, she was a part of it. It got to the point where just the sound of a motorized golf cart

would just send her running. Because she needed to be behind the scenes. She needed to be in the stadium. She needed to be going from dressing room to dressing room. She liked to be on the scene. So she would have been at, I guess, Boom Boom Huck Jam at this point. She would have been at Boom Boom Huck Jam.

She would have been at the Budweiser Super Jam. Anything with jam in the title. Cart Junkie, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, Smoking Grooves or whatever. Yeah. Yeah. So it's so it's got to be taking me back guys taking me back yeah well here we go so it's so they're both out

it's got to be dave it's got to be me dave's got to do the show god almighty the little globe is spinning around we're going three two the the typewriter keys go boom, boom, boom, boom. Yeah. And then it's me, and I'm live, and it's a Saturday afternoon. You know, the kids are out of school. They just want to chill out. And watch their favorite artist, Aaliyah, do her songs. Watch their favorite artist.

Right. So this was something where, God, I'll never forget this, So this was something where, God, I'll never forget this, where I just, there was a stool and a spotlight and just a black stage. And they had me. They got rid of the rest of the. They got rid of the rest of it. I mean, you have to. You can't go on business as usual. So just a stool, a spotlight, a dark stage.

I wandered out. I sat down and I said, everybody, sit the fuck down for a minute. Put down your pizza. Get it out of the room. Sit down and listen to me. She's gone. And everyone knew who you were. Everybody knew.

Of course, everybody knew. Everybody knew. Everybody knew. Everybody knew. And I just looked at the camera for a while because I didn't, you know, I think people were starting to think, like, your immediate thought is how does this affect me? You know what I mean? Obviously, that was my first thought.

Yeah. But I wanted to just look into the camera and say, God damn it, stop thinking about yourself for a minute. She's gone. Think about her. Think about the music that we were robbed of. Pizza. You mentioned the pizza.

Yeah. You mentioned getting rid of pizza. Yeah, get rid of it. Get rid of it. Get out of the room. Put it in the trash. Put that pizza in the trash. And sit down and think for a minute.

So that's what I did. And I held my glance on camera for a long long time seemed like you'd need to say the pizza part well i did i did it seemed important to me okay it seemed important to me yeah so yeah god i'm glad you brought that i get really i get emotional i get goosebumps thinking about it i really do what is that little you've brought something this little round object that says pizza bomb right what is the story behind that you've been sort of hiding it behind your back through the show that i don't is that for us that's i'm i'm playing uh i'm playing kickball with uh with some friends in griffith park later okay uh amy adams i don't i don. Amy Adams. I don't want to...

Sorry. Put on your helmet. Names are dropping. Emmanuel Lewis. John Larroquette. We have a league. And so anyway, this is a fun ball that I put together. It's just like, it's a joke.

Is that Elian's league? Elian Gonzalez? Yes. Yes, of course it is's a fun, it's a joke. Is that Elian's league? Elian Gonzalez? Yes. Yes, of course it is. Of course it is. I was invited to that. Saturdays don't work for me.

His, his Cuban military training is really paying off. That kid's in shape. As far as kickball is. As far as kickball is concerned. Yeah. So it's just, that's,

that's enough of that. I'm going to be, I'm going to be dropping and kicking that later on. Because you love pizza. I love it. I love it. I mean, at the right time.

What do you love about it? I love, I love the way that it makes me think about my own mortality because I eat it and it's, and it's so bad. It's so bad for you. It's bad for you. It's sloppily made, generally. It's topped with things that are

poison for your body. Every now and then, it's a fun thing to eat, but I can't stop thinking about how it'll eventually kill me, and I probably shouldn't eat it. It's a thing that I do once in a great while, I'll have a slice or a bite of pizza.

Wait a second. The letters in Dave Holmes, if you rearrange them, it's the Noid. Fuck. Okay. Dave Holmes is the original Noid. All right.

Yeah, all right. Yeah. Yeah, all right. Let's put it on the table. Yeah. Yeah. Sam was right. Sam, why didn't you defend yourself more?

Here's the thing. An internet commenter will always expose you. God damn it. The comment section is where the real truth lives. Damn it. Scoop Troop, get out your pens. Dave Holmes was the original Noid all along. Yeah.

God damn it. Well, listen, it was going to come out. It might as well be here. It might as well be among friends. It doesn't really change the way I feel about you or your work. Oh, thanks. Thanks. And that's what we originally thought we were having in here.

So even more so, it doesn't really make that much of a difference. Yeah. Just wasted a lot of time. Yeah. Yeah, I'm sorry. I don't know. I'm cagey about it. I'm cagey about it.

Kevin Garnett. Is in my kickball league. You just said you were cagey about it. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I don't follow sports. It's like a word sound joke that Hayes likes to do. Yeah. His brain is just wired for that kind of stuff,

where it's like he hears it. And like what you or I hear, the word cagey, but something he's a little bit off. And I think that's what makes him so good. That's what makes a good writer. Yes, he's looking for a new angle. And he just takes it somewhere where you're like, WTF? Like, where's that coming from? What's going on with you?

But that's his initials is KG. I didn't know that. But Hayes knows that. Pretty cool. You're smarty. Dave, do you have any big projects coming up that you would like to tell us about? I have some home improvement projects out by the pool. Oh, speak on that.

I don't want to bore you. Speak on that. No, speak on that. I don't want to bore you. I don't want to bore you. Grotto? Yeah, obviously, a grotto. Stations of the Cross, just around the backyard.

Yeah, but that kind of the cross, uh, just around the backyard. Uh, yeah, but I don't, that kind of thing that bothers me. I don't, I don't want to talk about that with people because I, I, cause I feel like what has allowed me to endure is the fact that I'm kind of an everyman and I don't, I don't, you know, although it's fun to talk about the things that I'm going to, you know, embed in concrete in my backyard. I don't, I don't want to, I don't want my backyard, I don't want to lose people. For people who don't even have concrete to embed stuff in. Right. Just have a bunch of dirt and mud.

You were going to build a mesa, is that right? That's correct, yeah. A mesa, for those who don't know, it's a plateau. Yeah. It's smaller. Yeah. For you to do peyote in the middle of. a mesa for those who don't know it's a plateau yeah yeah the smaller yeah for you to do peyote in the middle of

for me to do peyote for me to do tai chi for me to just just examine the light of the desert you know and how it changes you guys ought to come out

it'll be fun I heard that it rises I'll do that that it's on it's a rising mesa right so you don't have to get up there you just stand in what seems to be the ground right and then it becomes I've heard that it rises. I'll do that. That it's a rising mesa. Right. It's on hydraulics. So you get up there.

You just stand in what seems to be the ground. Right. And then it becomes a mesa. Well, what actually happens is underneath the ground, the whole thing is on hydraulics. So you get on it when it's just at street level. Whoever is coming to the mesa party comes. You hang out. You drop to the level below.

Okay. It goes down. It goes down. I have dry ice machines all around it. They spit out dry ice smoke. It's a reverse Mesa at that point. Right, right. And then on the count of three, boom.

We pop up out of the ground. Yeah. It's just like it's a big entrance. On three or three and then go? Three and then go. Okay. Three and then go. So it would be one, two, three.

Pop up out of the ground. Pop up out of the ground. You appear from the middle of the smoke. It's just fun. It's fun. It sounds fun. Ed Spieler, thanks for coming in. It's been so, so great.

Thank you for having me. And listeners, you're welcome for the good show. Please rate us on iTunes, fill out little reviews, comment on the forums, like us on Facebook. Buy the pro version. Please buy the pro version. What did we give out in the pro version this week? Oh, well, there's always goodies. Hayes will try to make your initials into some kind of funny wordplay thing if you buy the pro version.

He's obviously very good at it. Of course, Dave Holmes will custom destroy your pizza that you've ordered to your home. If you have a pizza that you want to eat, he's going to ruin it, but not in the way that you expect. Nope. Nope. Maybe it'll be like a backhoe, like a piece of farm equipment type of a deal. Maybe it'll be a wrecking ball. Maybe I'll freeze it and then hit it and it'll just break into pieces.

Yes, our user Common Sense is one of our listeners. How would you destroy his pizza? Oh, where does he live? He's a British guy. Oh, he's a British guy. Oh, this will be fun. What I'll do is I'll roll it out into the street. And then I will get on top of a double-decker bus, and then a lorry, which is what they call a truck, will come.

And the double-decker bus and the lorry will meet and will have a head-on collision right where the pizza is. I'll jump off at the last minute. It'll be like the Plasmatics. I don't know if you remember them, but they would do a lot of that kind of thing. So it'll be fun. Because you're not used to driving on that side until you'll be driving on the other side. No, of course not. And so, of course, it'll be a disaster.

And then they smash. Yeah. Can't eat that. Sorry, Common Sense. Bye. Bye. Hollywood Handbook. This has been an Earwolf Media Production.

Executive Producers Jeff Ulrich and Scott Aukerman. For more information, visit Earwolf.com. Earwolf Radio. Boom. Dot. Com. Oh, oh, oh. EarwolfRadio.com The wolf dead.