Hollywood Handbook - Dave Holmes, Our Close Friend Again

Episode Date: May 22, 2018

Once again the two boys Sean and Hayes are joined by DAVE HOLMES but this time to learn how to do a book like he did.This episode is sponsored by Harry's ( www.harrys.com/HANDBOOK ) and Casper Mattresses ( www.casper.com/savings ).See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

this is a head gum podcast rolling up to guitar center with richard kind and he says if you'll excuse me i'm gonna go pull a schroeder he's gonna go play piano. Sitting on the ground with his legs underneath the piano. Tiny piano. Yes. Low piano. Dick

Kine's going to get down there. Squeezing under the piano. It's too low. Squeezing the legs under. Not going cross-legged. No. Sometimes I will see him sit cr cross-legged. No. Straight out. Sometimes I will see him sit crisscross applesauce in front of the keys and just start grooving. Richard is a little older now.

Mm-hmm. Yeah. I, of course, go to the guitar zone. I find this cherry, fret max pedal with the strat. No. Fender cast. You've been looking for this. Yes.

Well, I know you have a custom Coco Chanel Les Paul. Uh-huh. I know that you have. Multi-string. Multi-string just one of these old beater acoustics that just it's a total piece of crap but it sounds so good with manual tune

but in terms of a double fret Fender Strat with the Strat and with the strut. And with the whammy bar? Yeah, it comes with adjustable wham. Oh, no, and you can wham any way you want.

Yeah. Oh, hey. Performance adjustable wham. So did you even check the price tag? I mean, I would think you would just be like. I just ran out with it. Yes, got to go. Without even price tag? I mean, I would think you would just be like. I just ran out with it. Yes, got to go.

Without even looking how much it was, I just ran out of the store. And just drove away and left Richard there. With the machine. And they were like, hey. Because I guess they were like, can you even handle that? Uh-huh. But obviously I can. Yeah.

So I go home. I unbox it. Put it on the live stream. All my fans are like, play it, play something. All my subscribers to my live stream. And I do one strum, and I realize it came with no songs. The songs are extra. Kidding, the songs are still at the store.

Yeah. And that's why I realized the guy was like, hey, you forgot any songs. Oh, my gosh. Hey, so then what do you do with it at that point? Are you just hugging it? I kind of, I start to mouth words like I'm speaking. Yeah. So they think their sound is broken.

Smart. And I'm like pretending to sing You Found Me. I think that's what the song is called. I think that's what the song is called. But I'm just mouthing that. Yeah. Yeah.

And my subscribers are like, what the heck? Like, I'm seeing myself lose subscribers. Oh, and the numbers are going down. Yes. And so. And my stream coin dollars are taking a huge hit. But you were, I mean, because I do, I recall seeing a still image from this live stream. Yeah.

That you're in ripped white jeans, no shirt, bandana. Yeah. And I remember thinking, this guy's pulling out all the stops. Yeah. So you changed into that outfit when the numbers started to go down. Is that right? Yeah. They could watch me change and then the numbers went up a down. Is that right? Yeah, they could watch me

change and then the numbers went up a little bit. A little. I'm sorry, Dave, did you have a live stream you wanted to watch during the show? I was fiddling with my phone and I accidentally turned on Siri, who I have configured to be an Australian male. Oh, wow. Oh, okay. Australian.

Known to be the smartest demographic. For sure. Yeah. The most fun to. Known to be the smartest demographic. The most fun to dominate. They're fun to travel with. Who do you trust with information more than an Australian male? A submissive Australian male. Well, Captain Boomerang. Yeah.

You know? I mean, the most genius of all superheroes. Mm-hmm. So, I mean, well, you know, spoiler alert, we have a guest. It's the show, so we have a guest. Yeah. That's what we do here. Hey, welcome to Hollywood Handbook.

Oh, it's an inside guide. The guest show. Doing something. Yes. The guest show where we have a guest. They talk with us. We are here with them. And we learn, huh don't we a sure it's freaking yet i don't dave holmes holmes holmes holmes holmes it's like the l is not silent, but it's subtle. But it's, yeah. It's quiet.

It's almost a secret. Yeah. It's just between me and your name. Are you ever worried that someone could do a parody account of you with a capital I instead of the L? Oh, yeah, I guess they could. Open the door a little louder next time, Kevin. Yeah, I guess I am. You fucking prick.

You are scared of that. I am scared of that. It's going to happen at some point. It's got to make sense. And now it's out there. I hate that we give people such good ideas to troll our guests. Yeah. But that's what the verified check is for.

I don't have an L or a capital I in my name, so I don't need the verified check, and I keep sending it back. Yeah, that's good. That's smart. Peace. I've sold so many verified checks to different people who just need it more than I do. I get it. Every time I get them, I go, like, what am I going to do with this? Like, I'm never going to use it.

And then I know people who actually give a huge fuck about that stuff. And I'll just be like, okay, you know, name a price, like name a number, and I'll give them, but I've gotten, Twitter's tried to give me dozens of verified checks at this point. They're like begging me. I'll put them in the mail, or I'll even

be like, hey, come over, I'm cooking, like I'm making paella, and I'll be like, I'm, you know, chopping up an octopus already. So just come over. I'll put it in the saffron rice and we'll have the paella together and I'll just kind of give them the check at the end of the meal. And they'll slide an envelope and it's got whatever they think is fair. Sticky pan paella.

Yeah. My favorite kind. Yeah. It's all burned on the bottom and very cold on the top. The only thing that sucks is I do have to throw out the pan every time. That makes it special. Because I make it wrong. It's a real ceremony.

Yeah. Yeah. So. Dave. Yeah. People will want to have some closure on what we talked about last time with you, where it was revealed that you were the Noid. Yes. Are you still the Noid?

I am still the Noid, yeah. Wow. For personal appearances and some internet stuff. Okay. Internet-only spots. Funny or die, like promo. I can't remember. Why were you so pissed at pizza?

I just fucking hate it. Yeah. It's not that I hate pizza. It's just that I don't like the joy that it brings people. There's just something primal about me that wants to take that joy away from them. So it's not that I hate pizza. It's just that I want the pizza not to be a fun experience. The essential pizza-ness that brings people joy makes me so fucking mad that I just want to remove that thing and just make pizza just bland. You know what I mean?

I just want to fucking get on a jackhammer and bounce around that pizza. And jackhammer on a pizza? And jackhammer on the pizza. That would definitely ruin it. Yeah. Yeah. A pizza is sort of a zero-sum game for you. It absolutely is.

And you're going to get you some. Yeah. And they can have zero. Now, I know you did do kind of a switch teams campaign like the Verizon guy. Yeah. Where now you're working for an opposing company. Yeah. But it's Orangina.

I don't totally understand how that's the opposite of Domino's. Are you like a rabbit man or is that just a suit? Here's the thing. It's a suit but it's like I did my own

Al Hirschfeld kind of a thing. It's like I did my own caricature. Yes. You know what I mean? My ears are a little bigger than the rest of my head. You know what I mean? I am a little shorter than most people. And you're owning that.

I'm owning it. I'm going to make fun of it before you do. I'm going to take your power. We talk about B-Rabbit a lot and his famous freestyle at the end of eight mile where he really mows the lawn on all the jokes papa doc was going to be able to do yeah he takes it away uh and you know what he does he takes their upper hand and he and he takes then a manhole cover and uses it like a frisbee and throws it at it and breaks it into a million pieces wow you know what i mean like yes yes figuratively figuratively through his rapping And he actually does do that.

It's figurative, and he really does do that. It got cut out of the movie, but it's in the special features. We are now at the point where we probably watch the DVD extras more than we watch the actual film when he and I get together. I sometimes forget to watch the movie, and instead doing all the bonus features. But I'm sorry, you were going to explain how Orangina is the opposite of – Yeah.

I don't – well, yeah. I wasn't sure how that was like a – that you were being like, now I work for the other team now. Yeah. The Noid. Yeah. And do you like Orangina or not like Orangina? I really do like Orangina.

Okay. More than Orangina itself, I just like its whole thing. I like that it was the official 2016 Olympics orange beverage of the U.S. American team. I think that's really cool. I thought that was

a really strong move. Do you like the Burt Fershner sketch where they're saying Orangina? Do you remember that sketch? See, I find that disrespectful.

Yeah. I don't like that at all. Yeah, I mean, the joke is there. It's obvious. Yeah, and they're saying Orangina the whole time. Yeah, I mean, the joke is there. It's obvious. Yeah. It's obvious. And they're saying we're giant the whole time. Yeah, I get it.

Most of the sketch and then the blow is that someone finally says, like, okay, fine, I'm not even going to order that. And they say, okay, would you like a Diet Coke? Oh, yeah. Yeah. I think that's gross. I think it's disrespectful. It's not what it looks like.

Papagino's went through a similar thing. Yeah. It's fun to say Papagino's, but it's just like, why? That, to me, no thank you. Like, why go there? But you hate pizza, so that must have been somewhat satisfying for you. Well, but they also have pasta things. I don't know.

It's difficult. It's difficult for me. Yeah, that's right. They do. So, I don't know. It's difficult. But it's not that I hate pizza. I don't hate pizza.

I just, the special joy that pizza brings people is something that I feel like I have to take away. Oh, okay. I have to take it away. Yeah. Replace it with Orangina. people is something that I feel like I have to take away. Oh, okay. I have to take it away. Yeah. Now you – Replace it with Orangina. What we really want to do is you wrote a memoir. I did.

Famous book. Uh-huh. Which was called – I know at some point it was going to be called Homie the Clown. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Because you are making people laugh. And then it was Homie do play that.

Yeah. Because it is so much about – Yeah, yeah. 21ie, do play that. Yeah, that was the sub-final. Because it is so much about, yeah. 21 things I do play. Yes. Unlike Homie the Clown, who doesn't play many things. Yes, exactly. Exactly. Which I thought was such a fun play on Homie the Clown's catchphrase.

And at readings, I was going to bop people on the head if they asked questions. You know what I mean? It was just like we had a whole thing set up for it but it turns out we did not we were not able to license any of any of it

any of that at all damn damn damn damn as you well know I mean you really you have to you have to secure the the rights and what not

and so we we never we never did that so I changed it okay to it's called Party of One a memoir in 21 songs

now okay yeah the annoying period in my life I didn't I did not get real deep into It's called Party of One, a memoir in 21 songs now. Okay. Yeah. The Noid period in my life I did not get real deep into in it. Just, you know. Have you gotten complaints from people? The cutting room floor. Have you gotten complaints from people who go to the bookstore and ask for your book

and end up getting seated at the bookstore cafe? I have not. No. Has that happened to you? It seems like something that has happened. Sure, yes. Every time I've gone in to buy it. And it has happened to me and Sean. I have not been able that happened to you? it seems like something that has happened sure yes every time I've gone into buy it

I have not been able to buy it well and it's so strange when we're together because what's also frustrating we get seated separately because I go

I walk up and I say party of one oh I see for both of us I see and then and then the

maitre d' will come over and go oh I've got this sirs your separate tables right andre d' will come over and go, oh, I've got this. I got it. Sirs, you're separate tables. Right. And if we try to lean over and talk, they will like bop us homie the clown style.

Yeah. Yeah. And it can be a frustrating experience. Yeah. No, I understand that. I understand it. No, this is the first time I've come across that. Yeah. Something to think about.

Yeah. For the next one. For the next one. Well, I have already called this book that thing, so I will call the next one something else. Something that you wouldn't say to be – yeah. Yeah, maybe call it – do you have anything outside? Okay. I was thinking it could be –

Is the patio full? We're already talking about the next one. I'm going to call it That's a fire hazard! Just fun stuff that Fire Marshal Bill used to say. You know what I mean? With his burnt up face.

That beginning noise sounds like it would be hard to spell. It is. It is. Yeah. It would have to be like one of those cards that play songs. There would be like a little thing in it and it would just make that noise. I can't believe you reached for that, his at best secondary catchphrase. Yeah.

You know, and that the book's not going to be called, let me show you something. Oh, yes. That was a thing you said. Because that is what I remember him saying. But I may be wrong. Yeah. For me, I remember gathering. That was when I was in college.

And we would gather around. And when he would wind up, we'd be like, Dad! That's a fire hazard! Don't do it! We would all say it together. It was just really fun. Well, the upshot is, Dave, we have held some of your residual check envelopes up to the light and your advance for the book.

We know that you're doing big numbers on this. Hot numbers. Thing. We are going to. I want to get me some of that. Yes. I do want a piece. I do want me some of that. Yes. I do want me some of that.

Yeah. We need our cut. So that deep publishing industry money? Yes. Deep memoir cash? Yeah. Yes. Yeah.

There's nothing that is more on the rise than physical books. Yeah. It was a perfect time for me to hop on board. Everywhere. Especially ones that don't ever mention our current political climate at all. Yeah. Because it's easy then to get booked on shows to talk about it. Y'all.

Because you just die. It's like, it just makes your whole sales job much easier. Oh, the marketing, it just does itself. It really does itself. Because you go like, well, everyone wants to talk about something other than. No one really says now more than ever about it. They say now the same time as ever. Yeah.

Uh-huh. So we are going to also just steal it and do the same thing and do our own memoir and do it through songs that we like. Okay, great. And we need your help. Okay, I'm here to help. Because a lot of us, I mean, for me, I know I haven't even heard that many songs. And I don't really remember what was going on a lot of the time. Oh.

So if you could kind of fill in the blanks. I would be happy to. Yeah. Yeah, that's what I do. I mean, you guys know a huge portion of my life I lived in a big giant stump. And I just had a best friend who was like a toad. And we just would share bugs for a meal every night. And the music I would hear at that time was –

The music of the night. The music of the swamp. Yeah, the swamp. It was bog music. It was a burbling sound coming from the nearby sort of marshlands. Yeah, low croaks and distant buzzes. Low croaks, yes, yes, a buzzing, just dragonfly wings or something. But I don't think I can make that relatable in a book.

Well, I mean, how hard have you tried? How deep into the process are you? Can I show you a bruise that I have? Yeah. Okay, I have a big bruise here on my hip from how hard I tried. Oh, Jesus. Because I was really trying to write it, and the pen bruise here on my hip from how hard I tried. Oh, Jesus. Because I was really trying to write it, and the pen did slip, and I did stick it in my hip. Oh, Jesus.

I was writing on my leg. Okay. Because I didn't have any surface. So long head. Long head. Yes. Okay. And I, when I was just starting out, I was in, you remember like your first apartment? Oh, God. Where it's like, there's like a wall like right on your bed and stuff like, like there's like a wall, like right on your

bed and stuff. Basically it's so small. And I was living in one, um, where the garbage disposal was permanently on, uh, wedged into the on position. And it was in the shower drain too, right? So you had to just be very careful where you put your feet. Yes. right? So you had to be very careful where you put your feet.

Yes. And so a lot of my taste in music was informed by that. Sure. By that noise. A grinding metal. Yes. Yeah. Blades. Yes. Blades. Loud blades. Okay. So that

probably won't come up in our memoir discussion but... Well I mean it seems like it's an important part of your life, so use it. Use it. Write what you know. I know, but it's not a book. It's a sound. It's a garbage disposal sound.

It is. It is. And I went over there, and it really was. It was very loud, and it was sounding just like a garbage disposal sound. Was it a book? To me, it never felt like a book. It just felt like an obstacle to talking. Yeah.

Well, here's the thing. At the time that things are happening to you, those things are not at that time books. Huh. Yeah. What you do, your job as the writer is to take those things and make them later books. This is almost the opposite of what B.J. Novak was saying when he came in here. Yeah. B.J. Novak.

He was like, we're doing a book right now. Yeah. He said, this is a book. I was on my way here and a book happened to me. This book is a book. Yeah. There's a book over there. I feel like there's a book in the lobby right now.

Yeah. Yeah. So he just always was sort of seeing the book. Well, I guess, I mean, there's room for a lot of different processes in the world. He has to take books and turn them into his life, basically, into like normal stuff. He doesn't take his life and turn it into a book. And some of them, once in a while, will stay books and will go out into the world. But the others he has to reverse engineer into his life.

Okay. He has to figuratively get on a giant wrecking ball and swing himself into a book. Swing himself. And turn it into life. Mm-hmm. Okay. Yeah. Okay.

In that, remember Miley's scandalous outfit? Oh, please. scandalous outfit? Oh, please. It's the only thing I remember from the past several years. It's just burned into my mind that it was so inappropriate. It's underpants.

It's underpants on the outside with nothing over it. And to me, I have to just say, can someone get this girl a robe or something? Get her clothes. A clothes.

Get her a clothes. Get her clothes. Under clothes as clothes is not it's not enough. You know what? If you're doing that that's the wrong kind of attention.

Yeah. If that's how you're getting famous for I'm sorry. Somebody call you know someone the police or something. So can we start on my book? Yeah, absolutely. It's called Hayes, I Wish I Was Your Lover. Ah.

Signed. I like that. Signed the people of Earth, which is a show. Yeah. But it's not about the show. Not about the show People of Earth, which is a show. Yeah. But it's not about the show. Not about the show People of Earth. Okay. Yeah.

So the title is a letter from the people of Earth to you. Yes. And they wish, okay. In the form of, you know, it's a parody of a song. Okay. The song, Hey, I Wish I Was Your Lover. Okay. Okay.

Yeah. So it's a parody of that. Yes. Does it go any further than the wish I was your lover? Okay. Okay. Yeah. So it's a parody of that. Yes. Does it go any further than the title? That conceit? Yeah. Not really. Okay.

There might be some more song parodies inside, but that doesn't really come up again. Okay. Again, I think you have to go a step further to call it a parody. Okay. You know what I mean? I think if you're just – Well, it's funny. We've gotten this argument before, but it is actually cracking me up just hearing him

even say it. Okay. And so like, come on. It's funny and it sounds like the name of the song, but it's a little different. But one word is different. And so that is actually exactly what a song parody is. Okay. Again, there's room for, there's no process that's wrong.

Let me give you some examples. There was a song called Beat It. Yeah. And then the song became called Eat It. No, I know that. And that was officially a song parody. But I'm going to just stop you there because what – that was Weird Al. Okay.

And what he also did was he did the whole song. And so Eat It, you know how Eat It sounds like Beat It? No way. Yeah, no, he did. He rewrote the whole thing and re-recorded the whole thing and made it about how he wants to eat it. Or he wants you to eat it. Like, hey, you should eat it.

Like, here's food. And so he talked about a bunch of foods and why you should eat it. So he's going, like, have a banana, have a whole bunch bunch of foods and why you should eat it. So what? So he's going, like, have a banana, have a whole bunch. It doesn't matter what you had for lunch or something? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's exactly right. He did the whole thing, and then that's what makes it a parody.

Okay. Yeah. Seems a little try-hard at that point. I don't know, man. A little sweaty. What about this example? Because I know he didn't do it for this. He did, he parodied La Bamba and he said lasagna.

Okay. Like that was the whole parody. Yeah. Lasagna. But I think also he did the whole song. He's going la, la, la, la, lasagna. Are all the songs kind of about this? About eating food?

Does this have to be, so does Hayes' in order to be a parody, does it have to be about food? It has to be about food. Because I have one about food for mine, which is obviously when life gives you clements, make clementade. And then clementade, it says like Beyonce's clementade. And then – so that's about food, you know. Where does it say that? Huh? Where does it say like Beyonce's clementade? When you open it up, you know those greeting cards that you that? Huh? Where does it say, like, Beyonce's Lemonade?

When you open it up, you know those greeting cards that you open up and they talk to you? Yeah. And so when you open the first page, it goes, like, Beyonce's Lemonade, you know? And I was also hoping to use a lot of her, because people really liked Lemonade. Yeah. Because it was very interesting. Use a lot of the themes. I'd like to use a lot of that,

please, because that seems like it would go over a lot better than some of what I've been doing. Okay. Like what? Like her stuff? Your stuff. What have you been doing? Either, either.

I've just been making this podcast with my friend. It's just me and another sort of clever white guy kind of cackling at each other's half shots at things that are more popular than we are.

That's the whole fucking thing. And then we go like, aren't we so funny? And then we walk away. We talk in the parking lot for like an hour about how funny it was. And like two dozen people listen and go, look, this ruled. And they all look just like us. It just fucking sucks.

Whereas what she was doing seemed like it had a real sort of message to it and resonated with a big audience. There was some artistry behind it, you know? It seemed like it would take forever, especially for someone like me to come up with that. But if I can kind of use hers. Sure. Yeah. Then that time, she already did it.

Yeah. Yes. So, yeah. So that I think would be a strong choice for you would be to take some of her songs, make them about food. Okay. If you can. Okay.

And then you weave some of your own personal narrative. Do you have to know what the songs are? I'm not sure you know what they are. I mean, it's helpful. Yeah. Can you think of any of them? Well, I know one is like she's going like, I'm going to keep running because the winner don't quit on themselves,

but maybe it could be like a syrup keep running because a waffle don't quit on themselves but maybe I'm could be like syrup keep running because of waffle don't butter itself okay you know what I mean yeah I think you're on yeah you're on the right track

it all has to be food syrup keep running because of waffle don't butter itself yeah and that to me is funny you know

and obviously has an inspirational message just like hers but it's parody so so it's legal. Here's a question. For the lemonade stuff that is already food, like how she has the hot sauce in the bag, do you have to change that to fish sauce?

You could, yeah, just a different food. Okay. Yeah, just keep it in the family of food. Can it be sauce? Yeah, I think so. Okay. I think so. Different sauce. Well, can it be that I— It's got to be sauce? Yeah, I think so. I think so. Different.

Can it still be hot sauce, but it's not in my bag? It's like in another food? I got hot sauce in my baguette? Okay. Yeah. Adding a new food. Right? Yeah. People love that.

Because when she's talking about her bag, that's not food. Yeah. So I can make that food? Mm-hmm. I don't know that I have to work so hard and come up with a whole new sauce. I mean, that seems like it could take all day. Honestly, I think we have two strong and different approaches and points of view. So we could both do this in each other's book.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. That's cool. This might be the forward to your book written by me. We should do that. We have to do the forward for each other's books. But we have to promise to do it. A lot of times we'll do this mutual promise prisoner's dilemma scenario,

and we will both try to betray each other. And it winds up just like in the prisoner's dilemma, no one gets anything when you do that. We end up with the worst outcome, which is nothing. What is the prisoner's dilemma? I'm not sure. Oh, God. Do you not understand game theory?

Time for some game theory. I love it when it's time for game theory. Such an essential part of knowing about math. Yeah. There was a man named John Mash, and he made up this incredible idea. Well, he made up this Mash game, right, where you find out are you going to live in a mansion? Uh-huh. Are you going to live in a shack?

I love that game. Yes. Yeah. And who you're going to marry. But also at the same time, he was working on another puzzle. Yeah. The kind that maybe is not necessarily as fun to think about as who you marry. Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. And it's more who's going to jail. Oh. So there's sort of a bastardized version of it, which Hayes has solved, right? Yes. The game show version. Right, yes.

You know what? This guy loves game shows. Yes. I do. And he's doing the host. So you could actually host a Prisoner's Dilemma between us. Oh, great. Yeah. Okay, let's do it. All right. I am doing the host. So you could actually host a Prisoner's Dilemma between us. Oh, great. Yeah.

Okay, let's do it. All right. I am doing the host. Okay. So what happens is, let's say you've got a big prize. Yeah. How much money are you going to have? This isn't a test.

Okay. You're the host. You're the host. Okay. You're not on trial here. There is a compartment below you that can open up and you fall in, like on Friend or Foe, hosted by Kennedy on the Game Show Network maybe 15 years ago. Okay.

But other than that, you're safe. Okay. Okay. So how much money? How much money is a big prize? Like $100,000. $100,000. Okay.

Wow. Wow. Great. So what you do is you go, Hayes and Sean, I'm going to send you each into a separate room with a piece of paper. I see. You write down on the piece of paper either share or keep. Okay. If you both write share, you to get fifty thousand dollars yeah if you

one of you write share and one of you writes keep the one who wrote keep gets a hundred thousand dollars if you both write keep you get nothing uh-huh yeah and so we look at each other and go oh i am so sharing with you you are my best friend. Yeah. I wouldn't even want to have it all knowing that you don't have it. That's the only thing I want is for you to have. In fact, you know, I'm writing share and I'm so sure of it that you could write keep if you want. It's fine. You would get the whole thing because you know I'm writing share, but I hope you do that. And each of us refuses to stop talking about how much more we love the other one.

I think he should have it. Yeah. Please write keep because I'm writing share. And I insist that you write it. Okay. So then we both do write keep. Yes. Every single time.

And we never write anything. I write it in huge letters. I seem to think that if I write it bigger, I'll get to keep even more money. And then I write it bigger, I'll get to keep even more money. And then I write, keep sucker. And then I'm giving him the finger when I show the thing. And I go, you fucking chump. So you do this over and over again. It keeps happening.

Always. In a prison? Because I still don't know why you're prisoners. Well, the original version of the game theory problem. Hayes, do you want to explain it? It was about these people in a jail. From doing crime. Yeah. I love Shawshank.

Sure. So let's say it's the guy. That comes on TBS. I have to watch it. Primo rewatch value. No matter what time it is in the movie, even if it's just the credits, I watch the whole credits. In the ultimate rewatch rankings all time, got to be number one at the top. Yeah.

Caddyshack. For sure. Caddyshack is also number one. The exception for me with Shawshank is if I'm going to miss the part where the guard says I got a pinch of loaf, it's not worth watching for. Okay. That's what I'm watching for. So let's say that it would be fun for the prisoners, I think, to be the main guy, Todd, and his friend, Zeb. Damn.

So those are the two guys. Okay. And the prison, the boss, their boss at the prison, whose name I do know. Yes. Grinch? Mr. Measles? Okay. Comes to them and is like, hey, I have $100,000 to give to you guys. If you write on the whiteboard, keep and share.

So then it kind of gets into the same conceit that we had before. See how that's become the prisoners? Todd and Zeb are doing it. Because John Mash was a huge fan of Shawshank. For him, it was number one on the Rewatchables ranking right after Con Air. Oh, can't stop me. It was 1A. How do I live?

Put the bunny down, John Mash used to say. So, okay. So, also at what point does the floor open and I fall into a prize? Well, if you mess up. Yeah. Okay. Please don't mess up because we wouldn't have a guest. And this is the show with a guest.

Yeah. Okay, so that's the prisoner's dilemma. Yeah. What do I do about this? And I don't want to piss you off, but if one of the biggest songs in my whole thing was going to be the song that went It's a pizza, happy meal. Pepperoni and cheese.

May I have some more, please? Can you stop that? Now, that song's already about food. So how do I parody that and make it about food? I just wish you would not talk about it. You know what that does to me. I'm not here to piss you off. Look, they fully eliminated the pizza from the menu.

And talking about specifically the happiest kind of pizza, which is the thing about pizza that makes them upset. Yes, it did make people happy, and Dave stopped it. Domino's didn't. Who's McDonald's? They had a pizza happy meal. Did McDonald's have pizza? They had a pizza happy meal, pepperoni and cheese. All right.

Okay. I don't remember that at all. Tomato sauce. May I have some more, please? I don't know the middle part of the song. That's fine. That's fine. Especially don't sing it.

I don't remember that at all. When was that? Oh, boy. Oh, oh, oh. Berto. Jerky, baby. Gotta say, it was probably in the late 80s, 89 maybe. You know, strike me as McRib people.

Do you get real excited when McRib comes around? Every time it comes around. Every time it comes around. Yeah. And just make a big fuss. Do you know the economics behind why the McRib is only temporary available? Yeah, I actually do. Yeah, I do too.

Everybody in the world does. Yes. Everybody in the world does. I do too. Literally everybody in the world does. Yes. Everybody in the world does. I do too, yes. I actually know why. It's the food. It has to do with the food, buying the food. With the food.

Yeah. And cooking it. It's when the food is low. That's when they do it. Yeah. It's less expensive for them. So, yeah. No, when the McRib comes around, I eat it three meals a day, seven days a week.

And when it's gone, I actually just eat Oberto. Oh boy, Oberto. Yeah. When it comes back, I say maybe this year isn't such a fail after all. Every time it comes back. Yeah. Do you have strong feelings about the ridges that look like the actual ribs? Yes. That get cut into there?

Yeah, I have strong feelings about it. Fucking rocks. Yeah. I wish they were deeper. Yeah. Which is counterintuitive because it seems like there would be less rib. There would. But I wish they were faker even than they are already.

And I'll tell you something else. I keep obviously a journal of my diet. And when the McRib does come back, I notice that there are a lot of issues that come up for me physically with my health. And I'm glad. It's worth it. Because the sauce, the fake ridges that I wish were even faker and deeper so there's less meat. And the freaking bread it's on. Where did they get that?

It's so good. I have a question, Dave. Yeah. You famously began your memoir, Fade In. Are we allowed to do that as well or do we have to do a different transition? I mean, there are some rules, but there are no rules in this. I mean, do what you want. We can use some of the same words.

Yeah. It was honestly, up until the very last minute, it was picture it. But then I just kind of, like at the last minute, I think I had been to the Arclight, and I just started thinking more cinematically. Your life is a movie. Stop it. Yeah. I called my editor, and I was like, don't print it.

I got to make a change. And I did, and I made it fade in, and I think that really – it puts you in exactly the right frame. Oh, dude. Yes. Well, it's not so jarring. It was cool. Yeah. One thing that I wanted to say in mine is I wanted to keep going and scene at the end of every chapter.

I did want to go, well, that just happened. Sure. Yeah. And it's fun when a character is being introduced. Enter Joanne. Yes, yes, yes, yes. I'm sort of a- Enter Helen.

Stage left. Those things are just fun. You know what I mean? It shows that you have a command of the vocabulary. Can you describe yourself when you say enter the Clem dog or whatever? Can you be hot but doesn't know it? Oh, absolutely. Like about yourself.

Yeah. Because if you're saying it about yourself, it does sort of challenge the limits of reality. Well, it's just like how can I say that I doesn't know it when I'm telling you it? Yeah. But maybe it's that I could say hot but doesn't know it when I'm telling you it. Yeah. But maybe it's that I could say, ha, but doesn't know it, but somebody told him right after. Yeah. Yeah. You know, I think that it makes your character kind of chill and relatable and just like fun.

Like easy for the reader to kind of – Yeah. Yeah. To relate to and enjoy. Question related to Sam's memoir. And here, Sam, I've been studying his in preparation for writing my own. He's something of a pop culture maven. And he began his a long time ago in a hospital far, far away.

Oh, yeah. Oh, I like that. I like that. Which is a reference to some of his favorite characters. Is that okay to do? Is that a parody? I think not only is that okay, I encourage it. Which is a reference to some of his favorite characters. Is that okay to do? Is that a parody? I think not only is that okay, I encourage it. Okay.

Honestly, I just think it's like you and your reader get on the same page figuratively and literally right off the bat. But shouldn't he have had to at least put it in the hospital cafeteria so that it's about food? Well, if he wanted to do a song parody, yeah. But if he just wants to write a memoir, then he doesn't have to. So it's just for song parody. Yeah, a memoir doesn't have to be about food. It can be about food, but it doesn't have to be about food. He calls himself Luke Sam Walker. Uh-huh.

I tried to say Luke Skywalker – or Sam Skywalker would be cooler and have like the same effect. I don't know. What was your argument there? What was the case for that? It's got my name in it. I know, but you could have put that at the beginning. But then people don't know it's me. Well, also, so you kept saying, you talk a lot about growing up and you call your dad Darth Father.

Which, first off, spoiler. Well, but I thought Dad Vader would have been cool. And again, I didn't totally understand your reasoning. I want my name to be in the front one and then Dad's name in the second one. And again, second spoiler. Business in the front, party in the back. Also, mostly pictures. Yes.

That I noticed. It was a lot of you just drawing yourself in a spaceship. Right. And they'll cut out pictures from Premiere magazine. Can pictures be parody? Dave? Well, you know, it's a case-by-case thing. Where'd you get them?

In this case. Where'd you get them? Premiere magazine. Oh, I see. Okay. Where'd you get them? Premiere Magazine. Oh, I see. Okay. Yeah, no, those are pretty straightforward. A Fangoria? Yeah.

Those are sometimes parody. Okay. You know? Yeah. Because it's wild, wacky costumes. I know Sam put his face on Spaceman Spiff a lot. Sure. That's parody.

That's parody. That's fair use. Good. I'm sorry. Did I lose you with that? Fair use? Yeah. Huh?

Does anyone else hear a very high-pitched? I do. Yeah. I do. I'm getting that. Is it fire season or something? I did run over one of the cables down here. Is there an emergency?

Could that make that kind of noise? We all have our headphones on. Let's see if it's happening in real life. Oh, that's my insulin pump. Oh, really? Yeah. Oh. I just got to switch it up.

We can do that right here. Can we live switch it? We can live switch it. We're going to do the first. We're doing it, guys. The first live pump switch. If I hadn't heard that, would you have died? Yeah. Okay. Yeah, I probably, would you have died? Yeah.

Yeah, I probably would have died. Ultimately. Yeah. But not until after the episode. Over the course of several years, but yeah. Keep going. Do you want to do commentary? Sure.

Yeah. We can. People love being welcomed into the lives of the host. Oh, yeah. It's a lot of fun. Let me turn this one off. It becomes a friendship. Yeah.

I can't guarantee that this is going to be interesting at all, but it's happening. It's getting louder. If it was interesting, it would really stand out on our show that we make. Shut up! Which is just us feeling around in the dark. Yeah. Now, do you like to say that you're, like, basically a cybernetic android?

Oh, yeah, I'm more machine than man. Yeah, is it okay if we do parody of this? Yeah, yeah, I think we're doing it now. A friggin' cyborg in the studio. I'm a robot, guys. This is essentially Westworld. This is my battery. It's a lot of fun. We can make it about food. Oh, robot, guys. This is essentially Westworld. This is my battery. It's a lot of fun. We can make it about food.

Oh, okay. Yeah. Okay, a pump. Okay, so maybe a pumptini from Sir. Yeah, that's fun. What did you say? Friabides? Yeah.

Like French fries? A lunchtime French fry? Like French fries. Diabete salad? Like french fries. A diabetes salad? Yeah. Yeah. It's much quieter now. It really is.

Yeah. Is it rude to say that I'm happy it was something that was wrong with you and not something I had done? Yeah. Okay. That's fine. What if it's the equipment interfering with the device and giving you a wrong signal? The podcast equipment. Oh, yeah.

Just pushing insulin into my body that I don't want or need. Yeah, that would be, I wouldn't want that. I have an idea for Sam's next memoir. Yeah. Okay, hold on. And it's that, well, is this, yeah. This music could still be in it, I guess. This is a book.

But I think that your name should be Samwise Ganja. And you're trying to deliver, like, the one true carb to the freaking bong mountain. One true carb to the freaking bong mountain. And I guess it would be called Lord of the... Isn't it like an earwolf thing or something? Lord of the Nugs? Yeah. Can Aerosmith's daughter be in it?

Yeah, Aerosmith's daughter can be in it. Joe Perry's daughter. That would be the, this character would be an interesting evolution from your other character in your first book, Chewbacca. Which is you in the days that you obviously had a massive lip in. Back when you were on the varsity squash team. Yeah, so then it's like you, Chewbacca, Frodo Dimebaggins, and then Ganjdolf. I mean, it's all conscious stuff. Yeah, it's just that's what we have to work with a little bit.

Orlando Bud. Yeah. Yeah. Weed is not a huge part of your identity, which is weird. Or is it? I don't know. I think this guy achieves some of the kind buds. Sam.

What, me? Yeah. No. Samwise Ganges. I have been a sober man for a year. Oh, damn, dude. Shit, man. Taking after me.

This guy's freaking sees how well I'm doing. He goes like, let me get some of that. How many days you got now? Oh, God. Well, 13 and a half years. I could probably calculate the days if you want. Would that be a good podcast episode? Hayes is a human calculator.

Can you do it, Hayes? 13 and a half years okay here it comes okay the number of days in a year is 200 okay I love watching this guy's brain work

and we do 13 times 2 is 130 times 2 is 130 times 100 is 300. Oh, wow. 300. So that's a bunch of days, bro. Yeah, man.

I can't believe that Sam caught my style. It's the only thing that made me interesting. Yeah. All of a sudden, this fucking dude comes in who already has motorcycles, who already has tattoos, who already is kind of mean about my dog showing up here. He has so many brands. Yeah. And then he goes like, oh, what's the one thing Sean's got going for him? Oh, let me just freaking gobble it up.

Yeah. And it's newer. It's fresher it's younger i uh didn't know you could just do that oh of course you would have done it a million years yeah because i always thought i was too boring to have this like backstory uh and i didn't know you could just be like oh yeah this is my thing and And Sam, do you eat meat? What's that? Do you eat meat or are you vegetarian? Oh no, I have a lot of lunch meat. You have lunch meat?

I'll do a thin slice. Only thin meat. Okay, because Hayes kind of is doing the vegetarian corner. Do you have a song about it? But Kevin Bartelt's really took that from you. Oh, lunch meat. Yeah.

Oh, wow. Okay. Is there a parody of I don't really take that from you. Oh, lunch meat. Yeah. Oh, wow. Because, I mean, we could be something with – Oh, something – okay. Is there a parody of My Sharona, for example, you could do with the lunch meat? Bologna. Uh-huh. Then it's called My Bologna. See, again, Weird Al got there. Okay.

Yeah. He says it Bologna just to kind of make it more – like more fit. Yeah, to fit it. You know, the meter. Oh, yeah. Okay. Of. He says it bologna just to kind of make it more fit. Yeah, to fit it. You know, the meter. Oh, yeah, okay. Of the song. But whatever. That was his.

He's done. That does not imply that lunch meat is off the table. Or that my Corona is off the table. You can take it in your own direction. Okay. But again, it has to be about food. Well, I think, I mean, nowadays it would have to be my Corona. Right.

You know? Yeah. Now, I can't do that one, and neither can Sam, apparently. Okay. But, Hayes, you could do my Corona. Well, you're allowed to own it. You're just not allowed to own a beer. Right, that's true.

You're just not allowed to drink it. That's true. But you can, like. I still have stock in beer company. Oh, right. But you can like – I still have stock in beer company. Oh, right. Talk about your portfolio a little bit and how you've invested in a lot of different domestic and foreign beers. I keep mostly Bitcoin of – I'll keep Bitcoin of boozes.

I'll keep blockchains for Coronas. Oh, wow. The rest of the portfolio is mostly just things I've drawn and sketched. More drawings. Yeah. Okay. And you call that, you always say that you have an extensive fine art collection. Yeah. But it's just things that you've drawn. And cutouts from Premiere Magazine from the movie Boiler Room, which is, I guess, about

stock stuff. So I guess that it makes sense that it would be in your portfolio. Moneyball. Is Moneyball? Is Moneyball in Boiler Room? Stocks movie? No. No.

It's mostly the Giovanni. Okay. Okay. But Moneyball is like, you can do like the Moneyball of stocks to make huge cash in areas that people are not knowing that there is money there. So it's actually a real good lesson about. Well, just going like we're valuing the wrong things. We should be valuing all this money. Right.

You know? People are always talking about like computers or something. We should be valuing the wrong things. We should be valuing all this money. Right. You know? Uh-huh. People are always talking about, like, computers or something. Right. It's like, what are you talking about? That's not money. Yeah. Making money.

So many of the companies that we are investing in are making stuff like computers. And it breaks. Yes. Or you can't find it half the time. It gets lost. It does. Yeah. So it has no real value if you can't find it and it's broken It gets lost. It does. Yeah. So it has no real value if you can't find it and it's broken.

Money is hard to break. Oh, please. Especially the little hard ones. Yeah. They make these little ones that are incredibly hard. Yeah. And even if you eat them, they're not really gone. Yeah. What's one of the songs not really gone. Yeah.

What's one of the songs from your book? Yeah, can we use one of yours? Well, yeah. I mean, well, yeah. Yeah, maybe. Or maybe it'll just sort of... Well, you did you... Weren't all of your songs

that Rebel Just for Kicks Now song? A couple of them are, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Three of them are Semi-Charmed Life by The High Blind. Okay. Because that's fun.

Sorry, can I have one second? Just one second. Woo! I'm a rabbit just for tricks, man. Yeah! So that is mine now. Semi-Charmed Life. Semi-Charmed Life is, I mean. Semi-Charmed Life.emi-charm life is I mean

Semi-charm life So that's lucky charm life Now right Lucky charm life Is that relevant To your experience Semi-charm life I am all the way charmed

I think And that's kind of The point that I make Oh okay It's a short chapter Wow Yeah Semi-charm more like

All the way charmed All the way charmed And then that's just Next chapter Yeah Which is the same thing A couple times just to drive the plane home. Didn't I tell you this already, bitch? Yeah.

I'm all the way charm. Turn the page. I'm glad that you brought that up because that's another thing. Call the reader a bitch as often as you can. Because it's like, it's abusive, but it's fun abusive. It's all love. It's the kind of abusive that everybody can enjoy. It's all love.

Yep. Like especially you. Yes. But it's like, it it's fun abusive. It's all love. It's the kind of abusive that everybody can enjoy. It's all love. Yep. Like, especially you. Yes. But it's, like, it's just fun. Yeah. You know what I mean? And then at the end, you say, like, the end, and then the next page is, like, you're still here. Uh-huh.

Get out of here. Oh, my God. One of those, like, cool things. What a pathetic dweeb. Yeah. Don't you have anything better to do? Are you literally actually reading? Weeb.

Yeah. Don't you have anything better to do? Are you reading? God, you must not have an all-the-way charmed life like mine. Or a lucky charm life. Which is this song. And then the very last page, it goes, It's a fire hazard! Don't!

It says, it's another loud sound card. That's a cliffhanger. You can hide those little sound cards throughout the book. They make them so small. You can barely even see them. They're nearly flat. They're nearly flat. I mean, those cards at the card store are much fatter than the normal cards.

It's not a huge surprise. When you get it for your birthday, you kind of know from the fatness that it is going to make a loud, surprising sound when you open it up. A handful of coins, or it could be a noise-making device. But I think they make them fat on purpose to warn you. But they can make them flat if they want to surprise you, I think. Yeah. No, definitely these days. To get them into books, you've got to go flat.

Do the flat ones, yeah. And they are now being able to be hidden in things that aren't even books. I mean, the sound cards are everywhere, and government can put them wherever they want. In your mouth, make you say whatever they want you to say. Oh, shit. They can put it flat into your lip while you're asleep, and then when you open your mouth in the morning, you could say something pretty insane. You could sing happy birthday.

Happy birthday to the vice president to show loyalty. It makes you say happy birthday to him. 1984. Yeah. Fuck, guys. Yeah. 1984, only four years before McDonald's pizza. Shit.

Yeah. So 1988, like a late 80s. I think so. Was it McPizza? You know what? Probably early nineties. No, it wasn't McPizza. It was McDonald's pizza. Yeah, that's right. And I think it was early nineties. I'm going to say 92, 93. Were they individually sized? Well, you could have the, if you got the pizza happy meal, that was like a personal pan pizza. But you also could get a family-sized pizza at McDonald's. I feel like this was a regional thing.

I don't remember it at all. Okay. What song was that chapter – what song was that chapter of the book? So maybe we can narrow down. We can know what you were doing at that time. And why you maybe don't remember that. Instead of knowing about McDonald's pizza. What was I doing in 1988 or the 90s?

What was my songs? This is pre Semi-Charm Life. Sure. Ah, fuck. Probably a Wilson Phillips, a Hold On, an Impulsive, a Release Me. Okay. Yeah.

Yeah. Ham On? Ham On. For one more day. a release me okay yeah yeah so it's deep like ham on ham on for one more day yeah ham on for one more rye could you say like relish me

relish me relish me and then the first verse is just explaining that that's how you say relish yeah or you can use one of my And then the first verse is just explaining that that's how you say relish. Yeah. Or you can use one of my pictures for the first verse to help explain.

Yeah. Like you in the region that you grew up where they say relish instead of relish. That makes a lot of sense. And it's a time saver. One thing that you could do is nothing compares to do, and then it's about Mountain Dew. Mountain Dew. Yeah. Okay.

That might run into your Orangina sponsorship. Uh-oh. I don't think it would. No, they would be okay with that? No, you know what? Because Dew exists in its own category, which is like extreme lime beverages. That's right. Since you've been gone, I can drink whatever I want.

You know what I mean? I can get cold red at a fancy restaurant. But it's all, and then you're freaking skateboarding in the video. I love it. Do you have videos in your memoir? Yeah, I do. I have a bunch of videos in my memoir.

That rocks. Yeah, pretty fun. I'm amazed that you can put the videos inside the book. That technology technology is amazing but the player itself is still pretty skippy it is it's very very buggy but what's fun is if you

turn the page it'll start hit pause let it load up a little bit and then it's just 10 minutes of sports bloopers which is just it's like a reset button you bloopers, which is just fun. It's like a reset button. Yeah.

You know what I mean? I get into some emotional territory. And some of the hard stuff in the book. And then it's just like it's the song Walk of Life by Dire Straits. Oh, funny. And it's William the Refrigerator Perry or whatever. Oh, fuck, man. And they throw him the ball and he doesn't catch it.

In fact, somebody else catches it. Yeah. And then they win. And he falls down. It's just fun, just catches it. Yeah. And then they win. And he falls down. It's just like, just fun. Just goofy stuff. Wow. Bloopers of like someone, like the football player throws it and the guy in the other

team catches it. Yeah. Can you imagine that? Dang, dude. Or like the guy's dribbling and he loses the ball. The other guy takes the ball away. Takes it away from him. Bounce off.

Yeah. And the other guy get it. It's mine now. Oh, God. Baseball. He swings, just fully misses it. Oh. Yeah, and the other guy get it. It's mine now. Oh, God. Baseball, he swings, just fully misses it. Oh, not top ten. Massive fail. What, Sam, what time is it in the show?

Say the truth, please. A little under an hour. We have a song that we play in this situation. Oh, really? Do you have it? I don't know, Rob, it's just a trick, please. A little under an hour. We have a song that we play in this situation. Oh, really? Do you have it? I don't know, Robby, just for tricks, man. Let's remember that 11 minutes of it is me silently changing out my insulin pump, which is exciting for the books.

That was very real. Yes. It's the reality. Lots of other shows. Scott Aukerman, when that happens, is going to be like, get it off my show. Yeah. He's so terrified to ever have a real conversation.

Only finally curated content here. Or not a conversation. He's so terrified to just have something physically happening in the room that people can't see or hear about or wouldn't enjoy, you know? Play the song. Oh, that wasn't the song? It came up for one second. It came up.

Is this the song? Oh, that wasn't the song? It came up for one second. It came up. Any peppers in your 21 songs? Did the peppers make it? I didn't hear what that was. Play again.

Can we play it again? It's a Red Hot Chili Peppers song that they did about us. I love them so much. It's a song they did for how long it has been in our episode. We often ask how long the episode is so we know whether we're allowed to stop contractually. So one of our nice listeners made a song for that. Oh, I love that. I love that. That's a parody.

Although it's not about food. Yeah. The case could be made that that's a parody. Well, and he did do the whole song. The whole song? It does exist. We can't play it now. It's not about food. Yeah. The case could be made that that's a parody. Well, and he did do the whole song. The whole song? It does exist. We can't play it now, but it does exist. It's so long.

I love it. I love the Red Hot Chili Peppers. I think they have just a fucking fun attitude. You know what I mean? They just seem cool. They kind of rock. Yeah. They just seem like the kind of people you'd want to just have dinner with.

Yeah. Be seen in public with, you know? Yeah. Just to hear what they have to talk about. Sure. I want to go to an art exhibit with them and just get their thoughts on it. They are something of an art exhibit in their own right. Oh, well, yeah.

With a sock on their DD. They're so trippy. Some of their old stuff is freaking my bean in a major way. Yeah. I saw one of the two worst fights I've ever seen in my life at a Red Hot Chili Peppers concert. Just saw a guy get the shit beat out of him by like six other guys. What happened?

Well, tough to say. I was sitting on the hood of someone's car in the parking lot and I saw a guy walking with his girlfriend and about five guys behind him walking with beer bottles, throwing the bottle caps at him. And he was turning around going like, yeah, fuck you, man. Fuck you. Like, yeah, I'll fight you sometime. But when it's me and you, not when it's me and you and all your boys. And the guy was going like, all right, all right. And his girlfriend's going, stop, stop, just stop. And he was like, all right, fuck you guys, fuck you guys. And then one guy, so they're about two

rows away, starts running at like a pretty solid speed, picking up speed as he goes through two rows of cars and then around past me, goes right past me, does this huge arc where he then runs around in front of him from the other side as the dudes are like talking to him behind him. He gets like a football field's worth of a full sprint going and just lands this flying punch on the guy and knocks him down. And then the other four guys have kind of, as they're having this argument, cornered off and they close in from all sides

and just start kicking the fucking shit out of this guy. And then it happens for 20 seconds, and then they all back off, and he gets up, and you can just see he has no idea where he is. He's kind of trying to walk away, and they let him get two steps, and then they just fucking close in and do it again. And his girlfriend's just screaming. I'm sitting on the car. I've left the concert a little early because I am so sick from all the drugs and alcohol in my system. And so I'm just like on my buddy's car waiting for them to come out of the concert.

Concert's not over. And I'm like alone there and I'm being like, well, I mean, I'm not, I cannot be involved in this. Like I should, a hero would help. That's not what I am. So I watch and then what was amazing is that almost immediately an ambulance pulled up and they put the guy in the back of it. And the girlfriend like got in with him and drove away and the other guys had disappeared. But I was like, what was the system where they were informed? I didn't do it. I mean, I should have. She didn't do it. I mean, I should have. She didn't do it.

Like, how'd they know? I was trying to think of the funniest song to have been playing in the show while this was going on. I shoveled through a few options, like scar tissue or something slow. It was like an obvious one. But then I settled on the part in Higher Ground where he's like, Stevie knows that nobody's going to bring me down. They're like, wow, wow, wow. While this guy is almost beaten to death.

Stevie Nose. The worst fight I ever saw was at a Wu-Tang and Rage concert. Okay. And somebody got dumped over a railing and they stomped on his head while he was just like at his waist dumped over the railing and they stomped on his head while he was just like at his waist dumped over the railing. They just stepped on his head. Yeah, they were just like stomping on his chin down, yeah. Jesus Christ.

Was he but – And that – there was a riot at that concert. They destroyed the fence. They did like $100,000 worth of damage to the lawn of the concert. And I remember I was like 14 or 13 and I was like getting hit with rocks and shit just by walking. They tore the fence apart and started a bonfire. There we go. And they were playing this song.

Yeah. Was he, was the guy that it was happening to one of those at Workforces? That. Because I heard something about those guys. Is that true? You know what? He would have had to be to deserve something like that.

That was like the golden age of let's fucking destroy an outdoor amphitheater. That had a moment. That was a trend. Yeah. You don't hear it much anymore. Yeah, you wouldn't think that something like that would go away.

There's more people now in the world to take down a hat shell or something. I saw a car get flipped and set on fire at another concert. Nope, Dave Matthews Band. And somebody get pushed down in a porta potty.

You guys ever see that? Ooh, that's scary. It was in one of the Jackass movies. Is that what you're talking about? No, it happened at the concert. What concert? They pushed it door side down. Dave Matthews Band.

No! And there were riots there. It was on MTV News! This before or after my time? Your alma mater. You were, yeah, you might have been in the other studio. Probably was. Is Kurt Loder dead?

No, Kurt Loder's very much alive. Writes for Reason Magazine. Yeah. Like Raisin Magazine? Reason Magazine. That's a good magazine parody. Bye! Yes!

Magazine parody. This has been an Earwolf production. Executive produced by Scott Aukerman, Chris Bannon, and Colin Anderson. For more information and content, visit Earwolf.com. That was a HeadGum Podcast.