Hollywood Handbook - Dave Holmes, Our On-Camera Friend

Episode Date: April 6, 2021

DAVE HOLMES returns to teach The Boys how to have charisma on camera. Subscribe to watch the full video recording on Patreon here. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

this is a head gum podcast so i you can see sorry that i'm all wet um no it's fine i wasn't even gonna ask because like i figured if he wants to talk about it he'll bring up why he's soaking wet i just i've been running around i just got out of the shower yeah kevin one of the most normal reasons to be wet i mean honestly somebody shows up soaking wet to a business meeting which is how i think of our podcast episodes and you wonder how did they get wet you're hoping shower that's a very normal answer. Or doing like physical therapy in the pool for...

Physical therapy in the pool. Like a really serious injury. Or saw a very unique frog in a pond and dove in and tried to catch it. But something normal that would happen every day and not something weird. Or decided to walk into the ocean and then said, no, not today. Turned it around with their last gasp of strength. Dragged themselves back onto the shore. In this case.

Were discovered by a beautiful stranger. Resuscitated and brought to the pier for skeeball. It was just a shower. Kevin's sent me ideas for this episode that were so bad and so stinky that I actually had to wash them off. Clean yourself off. I had to go. It's like a science room shower, like a pull chain emergency shower. Yeah, it's like you're getting disinfected.

It's like radiation. It's like a silkwood shower, right? You get scrubbed by a team and then I remember so I'm in the shower and I'm like oh my god I completely forgot I hid all my mom's presents in here all my all the presents

I hid in the shower presents are getting wet I can feel the presents like I can feel the shower. Presence are getting wet. Presence are... I can feel the presence. No! Like, I can feel the sugar, the ones made of sugar dissolving. All the mushy remnants of the papier-mâché presence. The piñatas.

Just gathering around your toes. Yep. Oh, Hayes. I can hear the PS5 getting wet. Oh, Hayes, no. And that's Kevin's fault. It was all Kevin's fault. And so I'm like, okay.

And my mom's birthday is in 30 seconds. Stop. And so I'm like, okay. Hopefully I can save the PS55 and so i run it over like i bring it to her i'm like mom happy birthday this is for you she's like i'm like okay then she opens it she's like this ps5 isn't wet enough okay dave i'm sorry you like my mom you probably don't know dave so hayes's mom is cartman my mom has gotten really into into cartman yeah she loves cartman yeah it's a it's a fun voice to do everyone

likes it yeah i mean it's moments like that you know you only get so many birthdays like family events and like it's with your parents you know your parents are getting older obviously it happens to everyone but to spend the whole birthday dealing with a cartman impression dealing with the you know a very committed in character cartman version of your mom oh yeah it feels like you're missing out on some real memories yeah authoritize actually yeah

authoritize but I bless you for not knowing that that's how you say it I did know I just didn't want to do it I know please cherish not knowing cherish that you didn't know because I wish i really wish i could go back to being like you that you just demonstrated

uh mispronouncing it this reference i don't even know that cartman wants a wet ps5 or wetter i was like it it is wet this and that must be a recent season because i i haven't checked in as much uh of late and that's on me a little bit but i guess it would have to be recent because ps5 didn't even exist in like the respect my authority days but that's how they do they can turn around stuff so fast six days to air yeah i mean you gotta get it done this is i'm getting my news from this at this point yeah i get my news i remember finding out that we had gotten bin laden from stan's dad wow randy randy marsh and bless you Dave, for not knowing that that's Stan Statt's name. Yeah, I did know that.

Okay, you obviously did. Yeah, okay. He was doing that thing where he wanted to fight everyone. He was like, you want some of this? Or were you getting a fight? And then he went to fight bin laden he was already dead i don't remember the episode that well but i remember that being a really powerful moment in american history so then the little cd drive on the ps5 opened and a fish flopped out oh no oh because of how wet it

was in the shower i guess hey welcome to hollywood handbook and insider's guide to kicking button dropping names in the red carpet linebacker hallways of this industry we call showbiz what up what up here we go dave hi ph the designated hitter dave Holmes. Dave's at the plate. Yes. This man delivers the dingers. Come on, baby. We need a big episode. We got to have something happen for us.

Big episode, baby. Let's go. Swing, David. Come on, DH. I'm feeling intense pressure. Did something happen with the designated hitter this week? Yesterday was opening day. It's showing up in your Google alert.

Yeah. Well, baseball is happening. Baseball is happening, but did they expand that rule or something? They made it even bigger. The rule is even bigger. No, because the American League, you could have them. And the National League, you could not have them. And the pitcher would have to do it. You know what?

This is really a question for Kevin, our resident sports analyst. They did expand it. Everyone on the field is holding a bat all the time. All the time. Okay. That's fun. It's good and bad bad i miss the old days where no one had a bat you know to me that was baseball that was baseball

and then that one bat comes in everyone's jealous they're all sharing the bat taking turns with the bat and then you get these you know now these millionaire crybaby you know megastar divas and they all want to have their own bat all the time and i go this isn't what it was like and when i used to watch it they hated each other they had no bat there was no ball everyone on every team everyone on every team everyone on every team with like within the team there was hatred everyone was pissed. It wasn't just like one team hating another team. It was everyone on every team.

So there was no bat, there was no ball, and there were no gloves. Baseball is actually an abbreviated form of biscuit ball. And what it would be is you get one biscuit, and that's your food for the week. And you'd have whatever was 20, 29 guys out there. So, you know, it probably was an even number. But they're all out there and they're fighting over this biscuit.

And it was true competition. You know, there were real stakes. And they would run around in that like, they would run and chase the biscuit in kind of that funny fast way. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, Billy crystal has a

fun a fun piece of business about that where was the ball i'd be more surprised if he didn't you know something comes up especially something old-timey like that and really the the interesting thing to me would be billy crystal doesn't have something on this because he has so much material oh yeah that's you're making money off of that little fast baseball run that is big and business is good but was there a ball in biscuit ball i i'm not to the point where i know where the ball comes in it was like a they used a ball of dough to cook the biscuit to cook the biscuit okay it's like a biscuit used a ball of dough to cook the biscuit. To cook the biscuit. Okay. Mm-hmm. It was like a biscuit, formerly a ball.

Dave. Yes. We speak today as... I mean, we can get into it. Basketball was also called biscuitball. I should just say basketball was also called biscuitball. Much closer to that. Yeah. It's sort of splintered off to become these two camps.

But we don't have to get into this sports history thing that's really for our other show we do with kevin and i let's talk about our past and like let's and let's like really really get into it and just like well let's like get like really real and talk about we used to be um did you hear my dog react to that about the idea of getting real getting real yeah yeah wow yeah and so your dog can detect realness absolutely trained for it sniff wow he just did it again wow yeah and it is you know and you teach the basics right sit stay lie down maybe roll over if they're brave my dog gets scared when he rolls over but does he really yeah you go to roll him over he goes oh no i am upside down but your dog barks when people are being straight up yeah that's the next thing usually teaches like if people are being really authentic getting raw and opening their hearts to one another in a very

vulnerable way as we so often do on this show yeah he hates a cop out finn does he just really does so all this phony surface bullshit must be tough for you to live in this town uh-huh boy your dog must be barking all the time a lot of the time so or yeah not barking yeah that's what i meant yeah no forget it we speak today as former earwolf doing earwolves together i and i can talk about this first of all it was the initial revelation that Earwolf was with other shows that we were not the only show that hurts and I'm sure for you too on your side you're finding out you know it's hard for me to like think about the experiences of other people

on the network that like we have been sort of have been made promises that like this is a thing that we have with here wolf that's just us that is special that is unique but then it turns out that they are with uh and not to be like prudish about this but with like a lot of other shows yeah now ton. Yeah. Now, there were a lot of shows on the walls. Yeah. And I just thought that that was something that people like they would pitch and then that would be the leave behind.

And they just, this was a fun thing. And they would just put it on the wall just for like atmosphere. I didn't think that these were actual things. I thought it was shows they liked. Like I thought it was like having, you know, I got posters on my walls of different bands and stuff. That doesn't mean that I've been with all those bands.

You're not in Van Halen. No. And I'm not having them come into my house. Somebody is being extremely real right outside my front door. Yeah, maybe it's like a squirrel is being absolutely real and raw. A squirrel is probably so fucking laying it down. I'm going to put the dog in his crate. I don't want to be responsible for that.

I don't want to. No, he loves it. Just don't tell me. Just walk off. Just don't tell me this stuff. Just disappear. No, it's not a punishment. It's not a punishment. It's just he's clearly overstimulated by the realness and if we're gonna get into ear

wolf it's not gonna get any better well that's the truth is when we when the three of us talk about ear wolf yeah yeah it stays extremely real the whole time he's very very real let me let me just get him in there he loves it yeah no Yeah. He feels safe in there. Okay. Yeah. Okay, Dave's gone. Okay, quick check in, boys. The dog likes the crate. The dog likes the crate. Listen to how much he likes it. Hang on.

The dog is like into that stuff. All right, I'm back. Did you hear him? Did you hear him trotting all the way yes this little crate he loves it and again like that's awesome yeah like and not like i don't consider myself like a super like prude about any of this stuff but like no not at all with um the podcast it was that was exactly my feeling was like okay oh they're us, so of course they like podcasts. It makes sense that they would have other podcasts.

Put posters of podcasts, yeah. I didn't know it was like a little revolving door of just open 24 hours, everybody coming in whenever they feel like it. Yeah. I felt like it was the house that I had built, my own self. And I didn't really get to meet a whole lot of my employees when I stopped by, but I met a few. I felt good about it. And then, yeah.

I felt great about my relationships with the employees there for sure. No, I'm happy you brought that up. I felt, no, I didn't meet everyone. I felt, no, I didn't meet everyone, but the relationships I had with the employees, the different people who would be on an email and then the exact same project would just have someone else in charge of the email. And it was like the first person didn't exist anymore within a matter of weeks. Those were some of the special relationships that got formed there. Yeah.

Yeah. relationships that got formed there yeah yeah and so then it like that's set up i think like to turn us against each other you know once we all find out which i think was a controlled operation um to have us all find out about each other and then like fight to try and get us to like oh that this would be like great podcast content everyone's fighting because they love me earwolf yeah right yeah the the i i didn't know that we would get into the homophilia versus hollywood handbook yeah feud as quickly as we did well and i wanted to say to the network hey guys this is podcasting it's not biscuit ball like we're not all supposed to be competing for resources it ends up hanging with your friends yeah no it was they recreated biscuit ball in a way which i'm a big fan of i brought it up a few

times but i didn't want to be a participant and but by the way the people who were participating in that they were it was done willingly and they went in eyes open yeah no one got tricked they were straight the way we did the commissioner was straight up about that so i i don't know it to me it felt like a real betrayal and you realize like oh we're all fighting each other while the fat cats sit in their throne and just laugh right while the fat cats sit in their throne and just laugh. Right. While the fat cats do like, you know, wrangle in some,

some names and, and invent, like spend a lot of money inventing the radio show. You know, now, now it's like we got, it's like, oh, so like an hour long with a big name and commercial breaks,

you've invented a radio show you you were in 1925 50s yeah or the yeah the 20s yeah and they're like well this one is pre-recorded and then you're like well so were those so are those a lot of the this one you can listen to whenever okay okay you got us there yeah but other than that it's that's better yeah it's a it's a radio show if i want someone to record the radio for me i can have that you could have that you know give somebody a cassette and so like the biscuit became like earwolf's kiss basically everyone's fighting over ear wolf's kiss and so then you know then suddenly like one day you like wake up like eyes wide open and like this is toxic for me this is not how this this this podcast company that's my girlfriend boyfriend

is not is not in it for me they just want me to do a podcast for them right they just want me to do a podcast i'm being used by my girlfriend boyfriend the podcast company who i thought i was in a relationship a partnership with um they're actually seeing everyone in town. I'm not a prude, but they're being promiscuous, which is their choice, but they didn't tell me. And the way I found out was hurtful, and they want me to keep doing the podcast. For what? A little money? Well, that feels cheap. What was the last straw? at what point did you say

i will i can't stands no more like the last straw thank you for it was kevin coming to us and telling us that he had no idea about any of this kevin is like oh my god when like i were like kevin did you know that they were like seeing all these they were with all these other podcasts? He's like, what? Oh, my God. No, I had no idea. When I saw what they did to Kevin, because I thought, well, this guy works there. He's like their boss, basically. He must know what's happening.

And then I was pretty upset with him. I thought I got betrayed. He said, you have no idea how I feel. Oh, my God. They're doing what? No, guys. upset with him i thought i got betrayed he said you have no idea how i feel oh my god they're doing what no guys you guys oh no kevin what was that like it hurt because i had a a promise to work in a good vibes only zone and they betrayed my trust and so i kind of felt like they took the gas out of my car and then put it in a lamborghini and then gave the keys to someone

else while i was sleeping that hurts that hurts yeah they took all the gas out gave the keys to the lamborghini to someone else and my my keys. And your keys as well. So now you got no gas and no keys. Sucks. Wow. Did you just say dogs? Dogs. Yeah, why did you say dogs?

Why are you saying dogs? They took my dog too. Oh, God. Yeah. Oh, God. And the dog drives a Lamborghini now? I thought you were saying, I thought that we had gone so far

with the my dog detecting realness that dogs had become slang for this is extremely real like i'm being vulnerable dogs guys that too dogs that's like pinky swear now and that's on dogs this is but look here we are here we are surviving in a new world um serious xm paid 87 billion dollars for some good office chairs always way more chairs than people that yeah at that office a lot of chairs a lot of chairs uh but nice chairs yeah no good yeah pretty comfy yeah some of them weren't good yeah and every chair is not gonna be great you know when you have that many right stands to reason did you get your shoes uh did i uh oh yeah i got my shoe okay yeah i mean uh my gooseman shoe yeah i think i got a piece of one of the shoes i i had to share a shoe with too far away from you to reach okay okay i got the one that i got but the other one i guess is still there i want my other shoe yeah they're not my size and I won't wear them, but it'd be nice to have the pair.

For those who don't know, if you didn't get to the spectacular Earwolf offices, they were decorated with hand-painted vans. No, we have the same audience as when that was a thing that people were talking about. So this was maybe four or five years ago. It's not like we have added new people and obviously some people have left but everyone who is listening was listening then when everyone was like talking about the shoes on the wall that the goose man uh drew so you don't have to explain like they're explaining to their friends about this already. Of course. Okay. Never met the Gooseman. Did we meet the Gooseman, Sean?

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They're trying to pull down the spider web. Yeah. But I've seen this too after a lot of dates. And I need and have needed something like Babel to figure out what the heck is this person doing with their finger because it looks like a it looks like an emergency i know i was supposed to do something or how about those people that stand in the street they're kind of like they've got like almost like police clothes on it may be almost yeah and they're standing in the middle and as i'm driving and i'm cruising they're holding their hand up for like a high five almost and they're really aggressively like pushing it out i'm like

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Cancel your unwanted subscriptions by going to rocketmoney.com slash the boys. That's rocketmoney.com slash the boys. Rocketmoney.com slash the boys. Hollywood Handbook. So what's your new reality? Let's talk about it. Let's get into it. All of us.

I'm so happy for us. We're surviving. We're thriving. We're thriving on we we're very calm can we just what the fuck is the chive what is the chive it's is it like sports the chive is for the chive is for mad lads for mad lads yeah i was gonna say it's not for just any lad but if you're if you're a mad lad go ahead and chive on because it's going to provide you with exactly what you're looking for because i have been in bars that has the chive tv just on tv seems to be like pool trick shots and sports bloops. And they have smoke shows.

Don't forget smoke show. Do they have smoke shows? They have smoke shows. Animal that has big balls. That's fun. Dude perfect. Dude perfect. They have dude perfect.

They have dude perfect. You know, want to see somebody throw a Frisbee, you know, from up high. Well up high well yeah yeah i've got you covered yeah yeah i thought that was rhetorical for a minute but yes no please i need to hear your answer yes if i'm gonna let you in on this on this top secret website we all enjoy the chive chive okay and so much like the chive we have our own little little piece of the internet we have our just this little shop here where we're just the like little cobblers and you just walk in it's like oh this looks like a nice little cobbling shop and

my my feet are weary i could use new shoe part. And then we say, have a sit down right here and you watch us artisanally assemble new shoe for you and we're being so funny. Crafted to your specifications. Yes. Every podcast we make has essentially been commissioned by a wealthy benefactor. Oh.

And we are crafting it exactly to their needs and desires. So like this episode, Dave Holmes, somebody wanted to hear you get real about Earwolf. They even wanted to hear you put your dog in a crate. Now, I'm not going to speculate on whether that is sexual for them or not. Because you know that it is. And there's no need to speculate on it. We can say with certainty that this is some sort of sexual experience for one of our listeners who has paid a modest sum

to hear us record this episode with you it is i think in actual life it is there is someone oh yeah if finn could hear this he he would bark because that I truly believe. That's what Sean just said. And it is real. Yeah. Is that an elliptical behind you, Sean? You know, I got the elliptical back there. Yeah.

Great. I'm trying to shed some of these quarantine pounds. Aren't we all? Are we all involved with this? Louder for the people in the back. And it's true. I should speak up. But yeah, I got the elliptical there.

It's a Soul E25. Nice. Got the E25. Mm-hmm. Yep. Features including... e25 nice got the e25 yep features including i don't a couple different programs you can punch in on there great i'm i'm usually clicking fat burn sure my issue is you know when i i've like done the ellipticals and it's's really gotten me in shape. But then I've started walking around like that. You're sliding your feet along the ground. And also you're pumping your arms. My arms are pumping in the air, and my feet are just kind of moving in that.

Like I'm walking on the base of a circle. Just like a looping kind of arc, like a low oval. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And that's fun. You don't need equipment for that. That's cheap. You can do it anytime, anyplace.

And then the world is my gym. I think Hayes disagrees. Well, no. I mean, I'm getting in great shape because I'm ellipticaling around the city. Uh-huh. But the way people look, the way people try to hit me with their car, because they think it's helping me. Well, they know they go, oh, here's a fitness freak. I think they think I'm in enough trouble that the only solution at that point is to get you to a hospital, is to take me out.

the hospital is to take me out that a medical emergency would be preferable to what you are dealing with just wandering around but here's what we want to get so we've got this and dave's your tangents and dave is moving on homophilia is moving on we have moved where we're at uh we're with world of wonder now the world of wonder podcast network that's a nice name it is it is nice none of this scary it's a wolf dog wolf bite you yeah yeah no this is fun wonder joy or yucky head gum what is that earwax what is that head gum uh world of wonder okay wonder that's nice yeah they do um i'm feral shit yeah yeah that's not i don't like that ew okay um it's just gonna it's gonna delight you oh yeah um yeah they do uh they're mostly tv production company but they're kind of starting to do podcasts and stuff too and they they have um connected to their offices in hollywood there's like a theater which they took over and like opened on may 1st or march 1st

of 2020 so like it has just been sitting there but it will eventually become an event space and we'll get to do some live shows that turn into fucking dance parties and we're gonna we're gonna go to town i can't wait to see what you do with that space i mean that's trouble yep come on watch out yeah Come on. Watch out. Oh, damn. Dance, costumes, lights. Enjoy the peace and quiet while you have it, neighbors, because this space is going to be... So this is great for us. First of all, this is what we're doing

too. We're doing the exact same thing. We're going to dance as well. We're dancing too. Now, what are you doing? I just said...'re gonna preparing to dance what we're doing really is is limbering up for what should be the thing is for a pretty big dance that we end up doing okay in the meantime we do have to provide something some other kind of content and it's like what you were saying which is we are actually tv as well dude oh and it's happening right now oh think about that oh okay okay think about that this tv this is good tv but this is what we need help with dave yeah okay wait on me your foundation your start was on camera yes you were bringing it you're the host host yes dave's a host this we've we've we've obviously like worked uh in visual formats before

but never in this context where we're like we are the host and it's just face the face show right that's how you described it when you were uh when you were hosting this is the face show yeah and business i said let me do the face show yep come one come This is the face show. Yeah. And business is good. I said, let me do the face show. Yep. Come one, come all to the face show. Yeah.

Everybody gather around in front of my face for the face show. Gather around my friends for the show that never ends. The face show. Yeah. And we've been trying different things. There's a little confusion about like how to make this good at all yeah uh i've been struggling with that in particular i know that even making it a little bit good has been a rather elusive goal for me i have managed to make it not good which i understand is the first step uh every actually i

have been recently that a single step i've been told actually that it might not be okay and that's discouraging for me because that was really the only positive i had to hold on to at this stage where I was for a long time I was just not doing it didn't do anything that is actually kind of the first step is not doing it yeah I mean you have to not do it first then I've started doing it making it not good dabbled in making it very bad would love to somehow move forward towards making it a little good and hayes has actually been talking about down the road 10 15 years from now making it very good okay you set a goal what was very bad talk me through um let's think uh well a lot of times i would just when we started using the camera i didn't totally understand

where it was or how it worked so it would just kind of be up you know up my up my nose up your nose okay and yeah that's not i don't and i would have stuff in there like creatures in there like little like toy dinosaurs and stuff would be up there too and it looked pretty scary you could see yeah it's like a diorama basically yeah it was like a it was like a sort of prehistoric diorama and people got extremely frightened and then when they realized that it you know was not what was happening and that it was a diorama but where it took place was actually inside my nose they found it to be gross yeah that's a lot it's just a lot of it's a lot of levels it's a lot it's a big ask for a viewer i decided that i needed some like on-camera business to be doing like

brad in oceans where you notice he's always having french fry sandwich yeah eat ice cream fry sandwich i feel like oh who or what that is brad in oceans brad promotions had a fry sandwich i don't brad promotions had fries falling out of his sandwich when he bites into the bread that doesn't make me know what it is when you're watching oceans first of all let's back up let's back up every con has its pros Brad is one of the pros

and Danny Ocean needs his help he has to eat a fry sandwich the Ocean's film series it's the Ocean's film series and so I thought it was a show called Oceans,

and I had not seen that show. And cherish not knowing about this, because I'll... Please. I'll cherish the fact that you didn't know, and you still don't know, because I'll get to why. Brad is always...

He always has this little food business that he's doing in that movie, and I'm like, that's cool. That's compelling. I'm watching the... I don't... They're talking about some i feel like i'm watching someone live their lives on screen it's no longer like a character acting in some preconceived plot i'm like this guy's eating a fry sandwich that's what i do so i'm like i'll do that i'll just be like

munching on something i ended up swallowing a whole sweet potato oh god japanese sweet potato uncooked uncooked how how not well if you have to ask you can't afford it and and that was and that was one of our better episodes honestly yeah because it had an arc a beginning middle and end there was showing everyone the sweet potato there was getting it about halfway down the throat and there was the ambulance so the very bad was like before that where i felt like i've got to like bail this out yeah and that and yeah it ended up being something at least uh yeah i don't i yeah don't eat on camera is one thing that i would say just overall try to avoid eating tell it to bring you mean don't chew on don't eat or chew or or drink it's it's business for the mouth that you don't drink the camera don't drink on camera or don't

drink the camera is you want you you want the mouth free for for talking for words so don't keep that channel open what am i quick word of advice. What am I supposed to be? Can I suck on a straw that's not going into any, it's not in a glass or anything, but I'm just sort of like through it because then I'm not eating or drinking, but at least there's something happening. I wouldn't, again.

Wow. This guy's got a lot of rules. Hey, this is why we have you here okay yeah i mean again you do want to keep you want to keep the mouth free for words and reactions so yeah don't put stuff in it until after during keep it open okay yeah um also are you familiar with um Okay. Yeah. Also, are you familiar with, I'm going to get into, I took some theater class.

Okay. Sunglasses. Sure. I took some theater classes in college. Are you familiar with the idea of the actor's secret? Oh. Yes. Inside the actor's secret.

No, no. This is a concept where in your performance, you want to be there's something that's not in the script but you know something that no one else on stage well the actor's secret is that they're just pretending they're not really that it's a guy yeah it's fake right right but on in a performance in your head want to be, you want to have a secret that the other person doesn't know. I'm hungry. I'm hungry. I wish I could be eating something,

but Dave told me I'm not allowed. Yes. Or, you know, I had sex with your mom. Or I wish I had a straw or something just to like suck through, even if there was nothing. I have a million dollars in the bank. Or just something. Just something in your head.

Whoa. Okay. That you're withholding from the other person. That's what I call Kevin's secret. That last one. Okay. No, I have it in many banks. So this is a secret that we keep from

the listener the listener or like they're watching and i'm having a big secret yeah but it has nothing to do with what's going on it's just a little secret okay have a secret have a secret okay okay i'll try it yeah okay it's just a thing just something so let's so let's do a little bit of podcast about just anything but i'll have a secret okay uh uh have you tried the filet of fish at mcdonald's oh see okay that was subtle well what wait i missed it we'll just talk about some other stuff uh traffic's coming back right hayes wait what happened let me ask you that so kevin when we're being tv for this uh-huh is it like will people even be able to see what sean was doing or is it only the person only the person who's big on screen or you can see everyone at one you can see everyone i have everyone equally on the screen okay because i missed it

so but and i did it again yeah i guess i could whisper it for the listener for the viewer like look at sean look at sean yeah let's do that So, Hazy and I will have a conversation about something else. Okay. Movie theaters or maybe... Are you going to go? Look at Sean, look at Sean, look at Sean. Sean right now. Go where? It's so distracting to me.

I'm sorry. The secret... I understand it's for the audience, but I don't know what it is. Yeah. Well, that's a challenge. Maybe I should tell you ahead of time. So I'm going to see a huge bee. Later, you're going to see a huge bee?

Yeah. Your secret is that sometime in the future, you are going to see a big bee. Yeah. When? Well, that's not really in my control. I mean, bees are part of nature. They're wild.

Bees are wild animals. So there's not really something you could do to control where they are or when, unless you're a beekeeper, which that could be a cool secret for me. That's a fun secret. But so are you going to, is it like a circus attraction, like really big bee that you're going to see later? Or just you're certain that at some point in your life in the future, you're going to see a big B? I was thinking, I was thinking it was just a big one that I was going to see maybe landed on one of these smoke shows from the chive.

Right. And I'm thinking, oh, don't get stung, dear. This is sort of just what I come up with as a possible secret for me. Is that an example? Yeah. Yeah. No, that's a multi-layered secret i like that one it's fun what was your when you were hosting what was your did you have a secret

um oh god i mean it would change from day to day you gotta you gotta mix it up um i uh sometimes as simple as i know card tricks and sometimes as elaborate as um i am i am royalty in uh slovenia is that somewhat usually most of the time it was just i'm that's true so tired pardon me that's true no it's not it's not but that's the so these are all lies it's a fake secret these are all lying they're fake yeah they're all fake lies they're all fake lies um yeah i guess i'm not into lying to my audience but you're not yeah i guess i'm gonna have to say no and refuse to ever be dishonest with my audience funny i'm a little weird this way i was comfortable telling the audience that i expected to see a b later because i don't see that as an out and out

lie and a betrayal it's actually just something we can anticipate that might be exciting. And I was fully prepared to come on next week on the show and say, hey, full disclosure, everyone, I didn't see a big B. It didn't happen. I know that I, if not promised, at least implied that that was possible through some of my facial reactions i did lift up my glasses make big face i didn't see a b and i didn't see one of these smoke shows from the chive don't get stung dear neither of those things happened but let's just try to have a good episode please forgive me you know and i was willing to proceed that way but to come in with these secrets you're talking about where it's like you know oh i got sucked down the drain in my tub and i lived in the sewer for a year and now i'm

now i'm out but i'm actually the king of the sewer like that to me feels like that's not true david no no but it's it's just it's imagination it's just something to to give you to light something up behind your eyes you know can i tell you mine and it's a little yeah it's a little twisted each night i go to a graveyard and i read the tombstones top to bottom and like john smith father everyone read, brother, dad, teacher. Start at the bottom of the tombstone. And then I say, I know. And then I go to the next one.

Mary Smith, sister, principal, neighbor, friend. So you're like pwning the grave. I say, I know. And then I go to the next one one and i do that with every single grave every tombstone so you go to a graveyard and you behave as though the tombstones are inconveniencing you are telling you that you already know that's boring to you yes do you think that's a good secret i think that's a really fun secret yeah yeah i actually kind of like that secret too because i believe that it is real and i actually believe that you

knew when all those people died and that you were possibly involved because they do give you in the old days a tombstone would be a full obituary you would get the person's occupation you would get the cause of death uh-huh you would have some fun facts about where to send donations did you know it's like who's reading goosebumps go to tombstone 44 to finish the trivia you go over to wow i should start a trivia tombstone to a trivia graveyard kevin's trivia graveyard damn just let him go did so what would happen with the smoke shows on the chive this is not a thing that i remember was it just like pictures of pretty girls or would they have like videos was it hot tub was a hot tub what was it it's blocked on my internet i can't see it but hayes has told me that it's that yeah they are often

very pretty i never found out if it's a moving image. I assumed it was either a photo or a gif. I didn't think it would be a full video. Mine has. You remember on VHS, the little parts of the video would get like worn out sometimes. That's what. Yeah. And like, you know, like that part part you watch it too many times and it would

like get worn away that has happened to the chive for me on my computer that's all glitchy it has like it's like been worn thin on my on my screen so i cannot actually get a really staticky image on on a web video but on haze is the chive yeah warped a web video yeah but on Hayes' The Chive, yeah. Warped a web video. Yeah, it is. There's burn marks on it and stuff just from overuse. So I can't see the smoke shows anymore. I can't see the rabbit.

It has big balls. Are they current smoke shows? These are all dead smoke shows all that's yeah that's it that's a promise that they've made is that like don't worry this is not disrespectful all these smoke shows are no longer alive are extremely dead they're actually in the graves that kevin's been reading that's the last thing it says smoke show on the bottom yes dead and then smoke show yes mother principal smoke show neighbor friend dead smoke and they have ancient smoke shows and they will educate you about ancient smoke show historical smoke shows yes yeah bizarre no it's like got some really old school smoke check out this photo of the czar yeah it'll say it'll say and i don't support this

and i actually when when i heard about this one i said they should take it down but it does say get a load of them nefertities and i and i actually think that is disrespectful dead or alive i do go like hey come on let's you know let's have some limits here check out the czar that's fine that's all right then it's like can we please have more check out the czar content and not this other stuff come on with this is not the kind of stuff i'm i come to this website to be unable to see the chive is better than this i say come on the chive has to be above that you guys are leaders in the industry setting an example for other mad lad sites and if you and if you lower the bar it's a limbo game everybody's gonna be getting down there seeing how low it can go but if you maintain your dignity and just say check out the czar i think the whole industry benefits and the mad lads as well. Dave, when you're having the dance.

Yes. What if everyone is too shy? Then what if like this is something like what if everyone like just forms little like circles? What if like the like friends are like pretending to slow dance and stuff but it's like not like it's like people aren't actually like vibing it's like ironic they're like making fun of like imagine i was dancing or if you're like really all your joints are really sort of just stiff hinges and the way that you move is like not what people think is like dancing sounds like a world of blunders

and Kevin I don't know if you heard Kevin said it sounds like world of blunder wow that's extremely aggressive I don't like it if that were to happen okay I don't think it will are you guys shy

dancers is this why you're asking who me oh no no I wasn't saying that I wasn't saying that but. Are you guys shy dancers? Is this why you're asking? Who, me? Oh, no, no. I wasn't saying that. I wasn't saying that. But if someone was, would that be okay? Absolutely. Absolutely. Really?

Yes. Yes. The thing is, you have to be the one to start. You've been to a middle school mixer, right? Yeah, Sort of. The boys stand on one side, the girls stand on the other side, and then somebody starts dancing, and then everybody starts dancing. Yeah.

I think even in middle age, that still holds true, right? We'll start. The shy will follow. The shy and stiff will inevitably follow, and i'll dance i'll start dancing and i'll be the first one for sure but i'll be like i'll be facing the wall and kind of like pressed up against it a little bit okay yeah that's fine but i'll dance and i'll just like be assuming hoping frankly that other other people are being inspired by what i'm doing and they're and they're dancing behind me so this is all i ask just at the end of the night just tell

me that's what happened okay because you'll never know i'll never know i'm i'm i'm i'm mushed up on the wall and i'm just i'm going to work yeah but i would love it if other people were inspired by my dancing and they're like oh awesome like we'll dance too and like they're they're cheering for me they're copying some of my moves but i can't see or hear any of it right yeah i think i think they will be that sounds inspiring to me i'm looking forward to it i'm not and i'm not saying i don't care what you say to me before like you telling me that now means nothing i need you to tell me after that it did happen okay okay i promise sean what may i ask what's your secret right now just um well it's not even really like any big secret or anything but just no it isn't

well it's not even actually like a big deal or anything like probably shouldn't even say it like it's not like a huge secret but just that probably at the dance i'll probably just be you know just in the toilet the whole time. In the toilet? Yeah. Not in the bathroom, but in the toilet? Yeah. Why are you in the toilet? He's shy.

I'm so shy. I'm shy. I'm shy. And so I don't, I think if I'm just in the bathroom, in like the sort of lobby area of the bathroom, that people could see me and try to pull me back on the dance floor. But if I'm in the toilet, they're not going to want to touch me because it's so gross in there. And I think that that's probably the best place to be as shy as I am.

I'm sorry, David, did I ruin the dance no but you came i'm just so scared you showed up you showed up i just i mean maybe if someone flushes it i would start dancing a little bit naturally just because of the spinning swirling around and around yeah but otherwise I don't think I would really yeah that's cool dance Sean it's own kind of music Sean you showed up to the dance in the first place

that's initiative yeah and so maybe for the next one well okay sort of well I was already in the building yeah he was in the toilet before that okay

yeah I went there the same before but the dance showed up to him that you know the dance started and I didn't leave but yeah I'd be in there

so I guess that's sort of my secret right now i'm so sorry david i didn't dance did i no no just because i'm in the toilet the entire time and when people even come into the bathroom i'm so scared that i'm just yelling from inside the toilet the whole time and it's actually really distracting and you can even hear it on the dance floor over the music and people are getting worried i hope that doesn't ruin the dance oh just the lyrics to a song that i can remember well there's a port in the western bay where the sailors

pass the time away when's the next dance when's the dance oh I have no idea oh good okay bye oh god Hollywood Handbook this week on the Patreon

Carl and Ahsan discuss starting a White Castle franchise the boys discuss dropping off episodes at the podcast dump. And the flagrant ones talked to Jason Concepcion. Check out these bonus podcasts and videos of full episodes, like the one you just heard with Dave Holmes, at patreon.com slash the flagrant ones. Hollywood Handbook. That was a HateGum Podcast.