Hollywood Handbook - Dave Thomas, Our Author Friend

Episode Date: January 25, 2022

The Boys help DAVE THOMAS record the audiobook for his new book The Many Lives of Jimmy Leighton. Watch the video recording of this episode at Patreon.com/TheFlagrantOnes.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

this is a head gum podcast so digging a tunnel at the park yeah um just normal sunday i guess every sunday for uh six for six or seven years. Just getting in there with, you know, a couple shovels and this and that. And I get down, I want to say about 600 meters. Okay. And all of a sudden,

I start getting poked at by these fucking park cops. you seen these yes with their little and because they're park cops they of course carry like sticks yeah like wooden stick yes because they like they love like the earth and trees and frankly i don't have a problem if they're in uniform and they identify themselves but some of them are posing as like concerned parents who think their kids are gonna fall into this giant hole you know which by the way 600 meters isn't exactly giant i would like to see it a lot deeper and even some of them pose as regular cops oh my god it's like you're not

real cops this is a park right and i start trying to grab their gun to prove that it's a stick you know i keep reaching over it gets clutching at their hip but they spin around so fast oh my god the hip movement on these fucking park cops and they're like you can't hypnotic you can't do a concrete pour in here like you can't build a steel staircase at the bottom of your hole and i'm getting frustrated now and i start i grab a stick of my own i go how would you like it right i'm swinging the fucking thing around i hit myself in the ear a couple times it's so dark bleeding too it's oh my god meters down it's dark in the hole it's also dark at the park

it's after midnight yeah sure you know and so um basically they they go hey either you fill that thing in or we're gonna fill it and i go go ahead and i get at the bottom of the hole sure enough they start pouring dirt on top they did they so they they actually attempted to bury you which is why i'm late park justice yeah isn't that the most disgusting thing you've ever heard yes justice they like nature so much they want you to become a part of it to join the roots of the trees hello and welcome to hollywood insider's guide to kicking butt and dropping names in the red carpet linebacker college industry we call showbiz what up what up we got a really good guest today it's a corker be on high alert we do have a corker in store calling it now

and people have been saying for years can you have to bring back Dave Thomas? Shut up! When I'm fucking ready. When Dave's ready. I'm busy! You don't snap your fingers and Dave just, you know, comes right up to your table and does your bidding. What you do is you wait. You soften the soil. It's like digging a big hole in some ways. In every way.

You check the weather report the night before. You say, is Dave going to be primed so that I can dig in and suck his ass onto my fucking disgusting little podcast? And the fact of the matter is, he finally was. You're welcome, folks. Dave, say hi. Tell us a little bit about yourself.

What have you been up to lately hey hi boy talk about a good ass second i feel so relieved um uh well you know i haven't been doing a lot yeah don't just staying at home like everybody else in the country yeah but real like we just sell it you know yeah like we really we need the momentum from this to kind of ride through the whole show so we don't have anything else so like whatever you say here is going to kind of set the tone we really need you we really need you to have done a lot it's going to go badly then i think is what okay here okay we definitely can't have We definitely can't have that. We can't have that again. Our last couple

have gone really bad. It's been pretty low energy, so we do need you to kind of We can probably start the show over or hit it, Kevin. Hit it. Or just end it here. We can't end it.

Contractual. We cannot end it. Yeah, we won't. The advertisers. Okay, so while the song is going, Dave, you think about it's been how long? Kevin's kind of hurt. Just shy of eight years. Eight years since you've done this show. Are you kidding?

May 2014. We never did on this show. Holy shit. Yeah. My life has completely changed since May 2014 it's just unbelievable the stuff that's happened

since 2014 is shocking to me okay wow any details at all well let's see I moved out of comedy and went into drama you probably

already picked up on that i have noticed yeah yeah yeah and i started working on bones in 2014 okay and then i went to the blacklist and then i wrote a book Lord. And I haven't thought of a joke or had a funny idea in seven years. Wow. Maybe eight. Okay, so we got you at the tail end there. Yeah, you did. You had some funny shit on the last episode. And that's sort of the last recorded funniness.

I was doing a lot of the work, but yeah, there was some good stuff. I think you were doing the heavy lifting, Sean, as you always did. It ended up coming out okay. So you mentioned the book. The book is a quantum thriller, is that correct? Yeah, quantum mystery, man. Quantum wow. Everyone's working on these now they're all the rage

and uh and it's cybernetic is that correct no not at all no it's uh jesus it's not at all cybernetic cybernetic okay well kevin it's it's many worlds we get these notes from kevin it's moving through the many world theory of uh Princeton physicist named Hugh Everett III, moving through his concept that life for every binary choice can go this way or that. But it actually goes both ways. And they've proved that now in a lab. That's the beauty of science. It ultimately catches up with itself. Wow. It ultimately catches up with itself. Wow.

It sounds very boring. Yeah. It sounds like you are interested in it, which I love for you. It sounds a little bit lame and boring. I know when I spoke with you, you had said you had not recorded an audiobook version of this that's right we were hoping actually to kind of help you sell the sizzle but not the steak which is going to be hard here but but put together um some excerpts some some you know excerpts read by the author who is a performer in his own right

yes he was a performer in his own right before he retired but go on but go on come on bog man himself is here man whoa a blast from the past of course people are going to be familiar with your famous bog man character And now that we have... I get a lot of requests, even today. And so we can have you or Bogman or both of you read a couple of pieces of the book and use these as marketing tools in order to promote it. Because where are we at with this? Are we running copies off the assembly line?

Can this be stopped at this point? No. It's already on Amazon. My guy got fucked. The book has come out? Yeah, it looks like this, and it's already on Amazon. Okay, okay. But you can do all this stuff.

First of all, Amazon, with these Kindles and things, I've been reading books on the Kindle, and sometimes I can tell that they're making changes in it while I'm reading it. Yeah. They go, oops. What I hear a lot is the... The reader will go,

um. I wouldn't think that'd be a good premise. Sometimes they write that in the text, he might actually be reading that it's coming up so much it's almost every they're said and it's changing while i like they're deleting stuff they're typing new things sean i gotta typing just like wait as an author, um is one of my favorite things to write. Okay, so then you as the omniscient narrator are often saying er, um and then making a new choice about the language you used or even the entire premise of the book. Yeah. Okay.

That's really cool then. Yeah. A minute ago when I was talking about those binary choices of being able to go left and right, you're making fun of me, but now you're embracing it. And that I love. See, we've come full circle. You've tricked me into being interesting in this incredibly dry topic. So I do want to share with Hayes. I want to be honest with him that dave uh was showing us a

little bit of the book before uh we started recording and it um they got my man they they hit him with the ant size print the the print is so small no one will be able to read it too teeny okay yeah let me just say weenzy yeah this is first printing first printing always sucks it always like the book is always bad it always like it always looks weird once you get into yes first printing as a novelist myself first printing is just the beginning of a negotiation yeah that's where you start then you start making your demands hey i gotta be able to actually read this bitch i'm in the publisher now uh truer words have never been spoken sean i'm into it with him i noticed when you held up the book there's another uh name on the front

underwritten by it so that is that who wrote the book uh or um no no that's not who wrote the book okay that's my co-author okay so yeah you're implying here that he ghosted it and i didn't write a fucking thing right i'm i'm inferring from you know what i know of your history of collaboration man oh man are you specifically talking about my collaboration with you now because i can think of a sketch that i wrote for you that you take credit for about a guy that just loved tacos and And it was just a guy that loved tacos. And he went all over the world eating tacos.

And doesn't that sound like a funny sketch all over the world? It does. Danish taco. And then you took credit for it. You stole it from me. I took credit. Look where it's gotten me. I'm now world famous as the taco sketch guy.

I took credit. Look where it's gotten me. I'm now world famous as the taco sketch guy. I'm dining out every night of the week with all the big players in town. You are. Dave, let's try this. Why don't you just read a little bit of the book, and then we'll see if we give you a note, some direction, and we'll get something recorded, hopefully, that you can use to kind of move these copies, get the first press selling through so we can actually print one people can read. So I'm on Pacific Coast Highway in my Dodge Charger Hellcat. The Hellcat is the fastest street legal production sedan in the world. I got 707 supercharged horsepower under my right foot, and all that power is coupled with 650 pound feet of torque delivered through a beefed up eight speed transmission what does all this car talk mean it means that the three la county sheriff crown vic black and whites on my tail don't have a hope

in hell of catching me their top speed is 129 minus 204 no contest except okay things okay go on okay okay i want to hear the two things i do just want to make clear this i mean just like sort of knowing this is i think you might be reading your diary i don't i don't know if this is this is the book the book is about a boston guy right like this yeah when i've spoken you're right you know what you're right i'm reading the wrong thing here fuck that happens that happens all the time these audiobook records we we go through this so much that's why hayes pegged it so quickly and because you did tell us that story immediately before we started recording um well so you were tipped off but you didn't get to the two things uh yeah what were the what were the two things well i'm not going to tell you that now because that's not my book okay i mean

that makes no sense that i would say that hold on let me uh let me uh how old is Jimmy? Roughly. He's early 30s. Small time thief in Boston. Okay, here are my suggestions. Yeah. 17, high school thief. Okay. So we get Noah Centineo for him. Do you know Noah?

Can we knock that down a little knock that down a little bit 17 is feeling a little long in the tooth for me in terms of something i want to like yeah actually read about okay so what 15 12 i was thinking 10 10 okay. Okay. Jimmy's 10. 10 works. Noah Centineo can play 10. Big time thief. Why, you know? Big time? Yeah. I wouldn't mind if he drives this Dodge Hellcat you were just describing.

I mean, that's pretty good. You know, let's toss that in. Great artist's steel, right? So whatever you were reading from. I mean, that's pretty good. You know, let's toss that in. Great artists steal, right? So whatever you were reading from, just now that's part of it. So this 10-year-old's driving this Dodge Hellcat. Crazy big thief.

Noah Centineo's playing him. I actually mistakenly read from my second book. I realize what I did now. And the first book I could read you a little of, because I really like your criticism on that. Okay. You've been really helpful by giving me an age range that I think I can work with. What did you end up with?

10? 10. Something like that. It's not a range. For a main protagonist. We landed on a firm number that everybody feels is probably best. 10 something like that it's not a range it's for a main that's got to be that we landed on a firm number that everybody feels is probably best so here's how it would go then james p layton was 10 a young old pro who could pick a lot climb a trellis pry open a window

and silently loot the valuables in a home while the owners slept, never harming anyone in the process, more out of a low-profile self-interest than innate goodness. At 5'10 and 150 pounds, he was big for 10. But the boyish, sassy thief had talked and squeezed and sometimes fought his way out of more than one tight scrape after another tonight was different tonight he might die are you guys on the edge of your seats yet wow i i it's kind of kind of scary yeah i'm too scary for you i guess when i go to read a book i don't want to piss my fucking trousers dog you do or you don't chill out a little bit no no thank you doesn't anymore there was definitely a time when you when sean would go into a book like fully intending to well when i was jimmy layton's age maybe yes but these days uh you know older wiser and I'm kind of looking to relax.

Do we need all this stealing stuff? That's page one. This is a 300 and... Hold on. This is a lot of rewriting you're suggesting. Are you saying you turned down the heat for the rest of the book, that page one is all the action, and then we kind of get into just...

Oh, it does wind down. Maybe Jimmy does a puzzle or something in fact the last out of 328 pages the last 128 pages are blank that's how relaxed it gets is that relaxed enough for you guys i'm'm loving this. That's very chill. This was another deal I made with the publisher is because we just put notes at the top of that so people could make their own notes if they wanted to. Yeah. That's so useful.

Or they could write their own book. They didn't have to read any more of my book. Or the other guy that I wrote this with Max Allen Collins who actually really wrote it but I'm copying to that now yeah you know I was one

we applied no pressure at all to you and you just folded instantly I know you guys are the Woodward and Bernstein of podcasts you can just make somebody cave right away you know so can i know you said uh 5 10 150 yeah i'm thinking 6 6'4", 215. At the age of 10? Cut to ribbons. Big kid. Yeah, 5'10", 150.

It's like, those are rookie numbers. Got to pump those numbers up, right? Triangle. On a hay meme. Triangle-shaped torso. Upside-down triangle torso. Yeah. You know?

Trapezoid, big traps. Storvus traps. Like those sort of the frog thing where the guy does that muscle pose and the muscles come from just slightly above his ears all the way to the shoulder caps

traps lats for weeks we're going to want to get those rhomboids and scalenes popping out. I want to see every

single one. I wouldn't mind having the intercostal muscles between the ribs each have their own identity within the story. They should be sort of a character like like southie maybe they could be little stories within the story is that what you're thinking some kind of a

these little i don't want to write the thing for you but maybe we follow i know the other guy did i could use your help hey listen i'm an unabashed uh thief i'll take whatever help i can get well yeah we're trying to give it to you so i i guess i'd love to hear a little bit of this new version of the audiobook where the guy is what do we decide on 6 10 225 yeah 225 i think works if it's if it's all muscle it's gonna weigh a lot and then we just kind of go through his 6'10", 225? Yeah, 225 I think works. If it's all muscle, it's going to weigh a lot.

And then we just kind of go through his muscles and name them. 30 inch waist. Do not want too much waist. So 30 is good. You already used the word 30 for his age. You can keep those. Just move that down for his waist. You guys are going to

make big friends with the publisher. He's going to love that. That's a cash saving chain. It's brilliant. Can we get him an extremely small feet? What? Okay. I like that. Like an animated figure. Yeah.

And that's how he sneaks in and out of all these houses. When he walks around, it goes beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. He actually... That ain't waking nobody up. He makes that verbally, that sound verbally when he's walking around. That's the sound he makes to cover up. Yeah, that's the rhythm of his feet.

So James P. Layton was tan. A young old pro who could pick a lot of climate trellis, pry open a window, and silently loot the valuables in a home while the owner slept. Weighing in at 225

pounds, looking like an inverted triangle, he was a human mass of muscle, beyond belief, a piece of sculpted flesh that bodybuilders would envy. No hormones drove this man to the perfectly sculpted form that he carried around. He was his own master. He did it with a diet that was purely plant-based i mean is this this is so good

that's really nice the plant-based diet thing we didn't even give you but yes but we were going to oh the other guy did that would wow oh so he's there he's continuing to give you... I have no idea. He's just typing stuff in for me on the screen while we're talking. That's great. I think I like the new stuff. Some of the, like, climbing the trellis... All right, we can cut that.

Picking the lock. Hey, I'm a team player. What the fuck am I reading? We can cut that. First of all, you're not reading anything. I can't picture it, you know? labels and picking the lock hey i'm a team player what the fuck am i reading like we can get this shit first of all you're not reading anything i can't picture it you know first you're not reading anything you're just sitting there critiquing a read that's coming to you verbally so in fairness you're making your suggestions verbally and i'm taking them and embracing them by the way what do do you think, Sean?

What are you picturing? Sean is really great with physical, movement-based stuff. I know that. He had done a 600-meter hole at the beginning of the show. That, to me, is an indication of some physical skills. I just understand space. So I'm thinking we might want to put Johnny. It's Johnny, right?

Jimmy. Jimmy. Might want to make that Johnny. So I could go for that. Yeah. Let's put Johnny selling different novelty floaties at the beach. He's got like a big inflatable guitar that you could ride on. Could have a dolphin,

maybe a white Bengal tiger. And let's have him. let's have him let's have him in a pretty form fitting suit there as well his trunks you're talking that's right

you're thinking a speedo I don't want to get into brands because I don't want to be on the hook with paying them I understand that so form fitting you're talking I don't want to get into brands because I don't want to be on the hook with paying them. I understand that. So, if form-fitting, you're talking the form of his schlong is going to be... I never said schlong. Yes, come on. It's going to be completely visible.

I'm only... Because if this guy's got these traps in this body, not to mention intercostals that are small characters that are going to play throughout the novel at a later point. It's got a strong, there's got a personality, too. I mean, come on. Fair is fair. Well, I don't I don't disagree with the fundamental storytelling concept you're bringing up i i think in the current climate we live in yeah this 10 year old we're probably going to want to focus just on the muscles and not get into like the schlong uh i think that's so delicately put it politically incorrect you think a little bit

maybe it'll come back around it's yeah this stuff is cyclical i'm not saying hey when we write when we write uh you know johnny johnny quantum too uh i i think we could definitely get into the schlund and he'll have he'll have grown up a little bit too um we're changing his last name too it's not latent and latent anymore it's quantum johnny quantum well didn't you say it's a quantum mystery yeah oh so if it's on a mystery like what do we should be his name i didn't get i didn't make that connection that's brilliant so if it's a quantum mystery the guy's name should be quantum i would think yeah because it's not a latent mystery right like it's not a latent mystery yeah no it's not not at all yeah so you know let's actually tell people

what they're buying man i forgot on the um what's going on you got a phone call you can take it I gotta start the whole interview over sorry oh no can we go back to that 600 meter hole is that too is that too far back for you maybe we could like come up with some better stuff that you were doing like in the years

that's really where I think it fell apart since we last did the show the whole stuff we have you weren't doing anything. I could take a break while you do that. And then once you've done the front part of what I did over and made me look good, I'll come in and take credit for it like I did with the book. We always have Kevin ready to jump in and be an understudy

for a guest who's flailing and so we kevin can't we can start the show kevin can talk about what you what what he's you dave have done over the last eight years as dave and you can actually give notes on that he's kevin is great at at getting notes uh and so then we can get back into some of the book stuff if that like does that work yeah that's fine okay kevin need to be there to listen to that or can i come back in later uh i guess like listen to kevin yeah kevin understand why you're asking i you know i'm not yeah it's not lost on me um kevin without an audience i don't know i'm just a little yeah and also because i might want to leave like the reaction yeah if you're leaving and then i also think i'm gonna go as well yeah yeah and so like i think it's probably safer if you're here so that i just

so we even know kevin really does it yeah exactly so it's just me and kevin then you two will be gone i might stay i definitely might stay okay kevin do you think he should stay no seven not allowed to talk he he doesn't have to stay it's up to him honestly see now i think i actually am gonna say because i know that like once i'm out of the room he'll start like pulling his shirt like off the shoulder kind of like he does he's kind of like i don't know it's like we're recording this on video i'll'll go back. That's exactly right. We're doing this record on video. Sometimes I'll go back and watch

if I leave during an episode and Kevin will become very coquettish as soon as he's left alone. Kevin, why don't you hit the song? He never lets me do this stuff. Here's something I brought for this show. I don't know if all your guests do it. this is called an

epipen and i brought this yes in case i had an allergic reaction yes all of our what was going on that i could just to the book inc take this off undo the seal yeah and then jam it into my thigh so that i don't end up being in a situation where my throat closes and i can't talk anymore yeah some people are allergic to the truth and so they will bring an epipen when when they do this show i'm allergic to being exposed as the fraud that i am and that in itself is a it's a throat closing experience so i'll be at a point where pretty soon i'm gonna have to use this epipen and then i'm gonna be fucked i'll be out of it for a little while i'd be honest with you oh you you trip out on that so you've used you've used these you recreationally

use epi pens is well i don't hold on first of all i take some hydrocodone oh that that rattle the old rattlesnakes here. That's how you trip out. You don't just get there with the EpiPen. You have to take the hydrocodone first and be in that sort of like, what the fuck is this state? Then the EpiPen lights the fuse. Bam!

That thing goes in there. And I look down and all of a sudden my feet get tiny my body starts to take a triangular shape and i think to myself oh i'm that guy they were describing i'm the muscle guy with the intercostals that talk to each other i've become johnny quantum yeah a new superhero that can't do anything except take credit for other people's stuff and then overdose as a solution. See, I love this, this, this honesty that I think we've wrung out of you because we do. A's and I suffer from an affliction. It's like your allergy to being exposed. We're actually, um, we're physically incapable of sugarcoating it.

And it is, we give, we give you and the audience the straight dope. Oh yeah. It'll be, it kills me. I sensed that at the beginning because very few, very few comedians,

there's a metaphor in comedy that you're digging a hole for yourself very few comedians will open a show by digging a hole for themselves and putting them and their guests in that hole that's an that tipped me off right away that i was screwed that you were basically digging a hole not just for, but for this whole show. And then we were all going to go down the shitter together. And very few comedians really just one. Sean and I technically career wise are combined one comedian. Just like we're the only one that does this.

Yeah. We open the show by digging a hole then we climb in the hole then we bury ourselves in the guest no one with the gas ever again forget that you bury yourself with the gas and this guest i gotta say walked into that hole willingly and knowingly and accepted the fate well you just seem so fucking tired yeah like the idea of just laying down in that old hole man i'll tell you some kind of freedom there not so bad at here it's a vertical grave and i was happy to embrace it you know and and at the same time to be able to get the release of finally telling the truth that i didn't write this book or anything for that matter well how could you you're fucking shot up

on hydrocodone and epi pen well you're speedballing with those two all day, every day. It's like, you're not going to write a book. I have a backup. Christ, man. She bites. I have a backup pill case in case something happens to, because who knows? I mean, you know, people come in here all the time and steal my shit. I'm not, okay, I'm not paranoid, but I'll tell you something. People come in here all the time and steal my shit. And I got a lot of valuable stuff in here.

I got EpiPens. I got like massive amounts of hydrocodone. And I basically, I'm vulnerable. And when I do something like this, where I'm on the air, being exposed like this, this is, well, it's a frightening thing. Let me tell you guys i can't begin to tell you how frightening it is well this is exactly why we were saying i don't know why you're writing a book about somebody who's breaking in and stealing stuff when it's obviously terrifying to you it's actually happening to you hey it was a metaphor in me it was a metaphor for

me man i don't my character breaks into people's houses and steal stuff. And I break into people's minds and steal their ideas. Guess what? That guy is me. Johnny Quantum is this guy, Dave Thomas. Dave, in the words of Bob Hope, Dave never had a good idea in his life. Thomas. Wow.

Talk about confession. And you guys have rung it out of me as only you two can do. But you got the last laugh in the end with Bob, huh? Wait, I mean, you know, you. No, it was an ancient reference that none of your viewers will even know who he is or listeners. I guess say viewers, too, because you're videotaping this i don't know why you decide to do that but uh you know you guys have your own mysterious way of doing things so i accept that you have two computers mysterious they want to know they want to see you on a screen

but behind you see another computer that you could be on let me tell you what they want to see and i know this yes yeah that's what they want to see that's what they they want to see, and I know this. Yes. Yeah. That's what they want to see. That's what they all want to see. Cha-cha-cha. What they want, they look at that and they go, if I could just get that combo, that sweet combo. Mm-hmm. Hollywood Hamburg.

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on things you don't use cancel your unwanted subscriptions by going to rocket money.com slash the boys that's rocket money.com slash the boys rocketoney.com slash TheBoys. Hollywood Handbook. Do we want to, Kevin, do you want to get the beginning again? Get it clean? Yeah, you can do your Dave opening forum, and then Dave can launch in on that, or Dave can give his notes, like, whatever. Does that sound good?

Okay, Sean's gone. Sean has completely quit. He did say he was maybe going to leave, though. So it's me and Mickey Mouse. And Mickey's asking me about post-nut clarity. And I'm like, Mickeykey we're at disneyland you cannot ask questions like that i'm back he's back because i just liked the okay dave did i liked the area dave did just leave dave took off is that all that's maybe Yeah. That's what you that's what you

have. Is it the book? He was like the I heard that. Yeah. Yeah. I just pretended to take out so I could hear what you really

thought. Oh, yeah. Sean Clements. I have exposed you. You use my full name, Dave Thomas. Why is that something you don't do on this show?

It's just the way you said it. Yeah. We're all friends here. Hey, I see you've got exercise equipment behind you, and that must explain why you're just ripped as shit. What's going on, man? You didn't used to be like that. Yeah,

I just decided I wanted to make a change. decided i wanted to you know be the the johnny quantum that i'd always imagined i could be i guess that's a big part of why i had those notes now that you tell me you know your version of the book is a confession of you breaking into people's minds and stealing it mine is a confession of like each of my intercostal muscles has become like a child to me more so even than my own children and they do have their own personality they do tell their stories holy smokes do you have any notes on kevin's uh version of your story that you were at disneyland with mickey mouse and he asked you about post not clarity i think that was that was

that i thought that was basically brilliant and way better than anything i said okay so all right if you guys want a really good show you're gonna have kevin as your guest not me you're gonna have kevin as your guest not me okay we um i could tell from the way you said okay there that you kind of agree with that that's good i'm getting we can't we i agree with some of it i think i don't know if it was brilliant i agree that it was better so like like we are in agreement on some of this stuff just the location being like Disneyland the Southie thing is like this is not

you know if you don't want to drive through it why would I want to experience it in a book you know Disneyland maybe I mean hey i got news for you i use saudi as a springboard as a kind of a diving board to dive off to another location

it's the sort of thing that you know people like dove into an empty pool you know i mean well some people would say that but other people would think cambridge massachusetts is a brilliant place with a lot of bright kids and wandering around just trying to make up their minds whether they're gonna be an arty car to harvard or a tech wizard mit yeah i think talk about that. I mean, like, you know, Sean spent a couple rowdy years there. That's where he breaks in. Four or so, yeah. He breaks into a house in Cambridge, not in Salvi.

So, fairness, I've never been to Salvi. I wrote about it, but since we've already established that I'm a fraud, of course I would write about it. Max grew up there. No, Max didn't either. I tricked him into writing about Saudi, pretending that I lived there. But in fact, now, because you guys are so good at bringing the truth out of me. You lie about the entire thing.

I'm spilling my guts. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. I lie about the entire thing. I do wonder, you had such a positive reaction to kevin's post-nut clarity story do we want to call it cumbridge yeah we could we could call it cumbridge yeah cumbridge blastachusetts yeah a place where you can achieve post-nut clarity send your kids to coverage no need to take out a big student loan there

and then as we're doing this sliding doors thing maybe what we have is you know we have one scenario that goes pretty poorly where someone makes a series of mistakes then we walk through that exact same scenario if they had had post-nut clarity and we see how they are able sort of deftly maneuver through all the complicated you know social situations we land them in so we got one sort of mr bean type figure right keeps keeps stumbling getting in his own way and then we've got mr cool aka post nut mickey mouse and and this guy he's like he's in a mentos ad you know it's like every everything that comes up he's somehow able to whatever just slide right through the limo on his own or lie down on the bench and make his suit

pinstripe or whatever else he needs to do i'm sorry could you just repeat that last part i i am whatever else he needs to do not that part the part from beginning at our guest today's dave thomas that part from then from there from that point forward yeah hit the thing again and maybe like a different story this time, just to like kind of reset us, Kevin. A Dave story. You're Dave. So it's me and Minnie Mouse. And she's asking, what's the kind of stuff that goes around in your head all day?

Dave left too. Two can play that game. It is just you and me. Okay, Dave is clearly still me. Okay, Dave is clearly still there. Okay, yeah, he was there the whole time. Every time you go off, Sean, I'm going off.

I'm just going. Go off, King. You know why? Because it was your idea to go off, and I copied it. Wow. Putting it into motion. Just what he threatened me with that's right it's a fact and what's the end of this story mini mouse is what's going on in your head all day yeah what are you telling what happened what happens after that kevin and i say you don't want to know let's not get into the details

i like it okay okay the tone but he does the tone it's kind of a cliffhanger yeah that's like i did like the tone the delivery's great i wonder if that's gonna play in the book like if we're really talking about still is dave's book well you can always spruce it up with a neuron that's true you know that could work you don't want to know or um let's not get into the details now you're talking whoa yeah that could play on the page. Uh-huh. Yeah. Talk about collaboration. Kevin, I think you and I ought to write a book, and I got to give you a little warning up front.

You're going to be shouldering most of the work. That his name goes first, even though it's clearly alphabetically second. Yeah. My name will go first. Kevin yeah my name will go first kevin your name will go second you will do all the work and i will take all the credit and i'll get on some of my friends podcasts and thank you for collaborating if i feel like it but so i've got this i've got the um the amazon preview open oh no they're just giving this stuff away i don't know if you're aware of this yeah basically in the entire book is i'm here and it continues after you know you have the line tonight he might die really scary i would actually just cut that line entirely. Just lose it. Wait. Just maybe say, tonight he won't die.

Yes. Yes. That's right. Yeah. And then it goes, the owner of the Little Grill, Patrick Donovan, was working behind the bar. Five years older than his friend Jimmy, redheaded Pat was tall, trimly bearded, and blue-eyed, a paunch moving in on him. I remember that.

I remember writing that. Yeah. Instead of the little grill, could it be like a Romano's macaroni grill? Mm-hmm. You ever been to Romano's macaroni grill? Same thought, yeah. Do we make it Romano's macaroni grill instead? How do they get the macaroni to stay on there is my question.

Macaroni grill instead how do they get the macaroni to stay on there is my question macaroni grill yeah i'm gonna get that some thought it's not something i can embrace right off the right okay the one suggestion the one suggestion you don't like is a chain with dozens of locations across the United States using that instead of the little grill. I don't want to go to this tiny grill. Maybe instead of this guy's trim red beard. Which I don't even know if we're going to get

to what we describe as massive calves. You're working that theme. You love that. You don't big buff guys. Yeah. You could rest a little espresso cup on. I want somebody to identify with in the story.

You know what I mean? I need to see myself in there. I, I would love to see your calves. Cause I got a feeling from what I see behind you that they are gigantic. Buddy, you better believe I'm burning them out. I don't know where the spleeniest starts and the gastrocnemius ends. Just a fucking wall of calf down there.

I believe it. We call it veal parmm i'm scared for my shoes my calf ever decides to pop out and jump down onto my foot that's it man your tiny feet yeah they're so small well there's no there's no room for big feet when you got calves that large they're just done that's the fact they i think they ate up a lot of the foot tissue they just sort of sucked it on up in there which i didn't know that's exactly how bodies work but i'm finding out now excellent red-headed pat was tall trimly bearded and blue-eyed what about huge uh huge calfed pat

was smoking trimly shredded huge calfed pat right yes huge calf was smoking trimly shredded. Huge caffid Pat, right? Yes, huge caffid Pat was smoking Trimly shredded and steel hewn. Maybe instead of Pat, it's Pratt. Like Chris Pratt. You know what I mean?

Just in terms of like... It doesn't look like you're writing it down. It looks like you were getting some okay getting some pills yeah okay because i now know that i should have had one during the big hole digging opening that there was time isn't that the worst feeling yeah the whole time you're just thinking god i had time to take another pill and you're watching the ship leave the dock 54 minutes ago i should have had this pill and i would be just in great shape by now you'd be feeling no pain instead of suffering thinking about a huge cathed path pratt pratt you changed his name to Pratt yeah that was while you were

you were pretty deep in the drawer oh I was looking for my pills through the old medicine chest yeah yeah well you know when I run out of those that's it no there's other ones here that are just

way better these ones these ones are these ones are pretty good oh mama wow piece of writing and life advice that you gave me which is like always eat your strongest pill first that way you'll always be eating your strongest pill hill that's right so i run out of stuff yeah so we can't totally we're absolutely done i can't steal any more stuff yeah no we're totally done we got to get out of here right now no the book's on books on what what kind of purchase you make the most money off of amazon you're gone how do you make the most money oh i'll come back for that how should our how should our four listeners buy it they should go on amazon and buy it and they should buy the

paperback version because it's more expensive than the kindle i'm not a big fan of kindle i'd be honest right up front neither okay they change the book while you're reading it yeah i know it sounds like a comedic premise, but it's actually just a thing. You'll be reading and someone will type in like, what's up, bitch? What up, bitch, said Hugh Caffin Pratt.

You like books, bitch? Sure seems like you do. What's up, nerd? Hey, everybody, get a load of this guy. He's reading a book. I'm like, what the fuck yeah i know i know well bye hollywood handbook this week on the patreon carl and asan discuss government conspiracies the boys discuss the dealo of the Big My Favorite Murder Acquisition, and The Flagrant Ones Talk to Jaquise Neal about Mostly All Things Basketball.

Check out these bonus podcasts and videos of the full episodes, including today's with Dave at patreon.com slash the flagrant ones.