Hollywood Handbook - Dave Thomas, Our Close Friend

Episode Date: May 5, 2014

Hayes and Sean weigh in on the Donald Sterling controversy with insights into their own relationship with him, privacy, and Shakespeare. Then, friend DAVE THOMAS comes by to reminisce with the boys on the old days, Bob Hope, SCTV,  and the Chateau Marmont. Then, the Popcorn Gallery is back and they go into such fun topics as wearing condoms,  bear safety, spooky skellingtons, Cheech, and more! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. But it shouldn't be fight like a brave guy. It should just be fight like a brave. And then you figure out that it's guy. Hi. Hey, what up, what up? What up, what up? Welcome to Hollywood Handbook, an insider's guide to kicking butt and dropping names. And the red carpet line back hallways of this industry we call showbiz. We want to get something out of the way uh we've

been staying away from it a little bit yes um but you know we just want to weigh in and just like get it over with uh because people have sort of been asking us sean and i are big sports heads yeah everyone knows that about us uh and sometimes that can uh get us in trouble when when somebody is doing a sport that we like in this town especially we'll go to them and say like we're big fans of the sports that you do and you own a basketball team that we give them encouragement yes and uh donald sterling was someone who we had had those kind of interactions with as mutual fans. We had a lot in common with him. And so, yes, we had interactions as fans and we sort of sat pretty close to where he sits.

And we also keep our planes in the same plane house. And he had come over to my dad's house before and hung out in my basement apartment. And I had gone to his place before. And people say like, oh, you guys were best friends. And it's insane. Please. You know how many best friends I have? He's my best friend.

And best. 13. This is an important clarification. Best man is not the same thing as best friends no he was best man only at me and stephy's because my brother died and that's for you have just his organizational ability he's good at scheduling and planning trips good at planning yeah bachelor party type events and also And also, my brother dying was an accident. And I'm sick of getting the emails about that where it's like, you know, the two of us were in Hawaii together. He had been sleeping with my girlfriend and he fell off a cliff and we were on a hike together.

And I wish that didn't happen. I mean, I just told you he would have been the best man if not. Didn't you hear? Didn't you hear me say that? You just said it. That's irrefutable proof. It was 20 seconds ago. Yeah, so if you were actually listening, you'd know that that was an accident what happened,

and I wish he wasn't such a klutz. And let's get this out of the way. And let's get this out of the way. We want to say, unequivocally, we do not think that the things he said were good at all. Donald Sterling, not my brother. Yes. Donald Sterling, we thought, said some stuff that was absolutely not at all good. Ugly.

Yes. Ugly words. I hated what he said. Yes. But at the same time what happens you think about the slippery slope when things that people say in their home in privacy that are that they don't know that there's a tape on like where's the line so he said those things that were absolutely bad for sure. Awful things. Awful.

Hated hearing them and hated knowing that they were said. He said those things to his friend in privacy. Where's the line between that and maybe some conversation where he's talking to his other friends and they're doing their impressions of what black people sound like when they're mad. Like, say theoretically that. Or the owner of a Korean nail salon. Sure. You know, just something just, you know, he's going, you know, why you don't want long nail. That's why you don't want long nail.

You know, I have boyfriend because, you know, I have long nail, you know, something like that. Well, and would that be bad? That seems like in that conversation, the friends would just be doing it as a joke. And they just thought it was like everyone was just having fun. And we're assuming that it's based on something real. It really is how, you know, that nail salon owner was talking when he saw them. Yes. Is it now a crime?

That's illegal. Couldn't you have your property seized from you under the Constitution for describing things that are real that happened? Is that something we can do now? I don't know. These are just questions. And to educate you guys, it's hard to think about because we're talking about a basketball team. But let's say it's not a basketball team. Let's say it's just a hamburger sandwich.

Yes. So it's a hamburger-style sandwich that he owns. Or that I own. I'm owning this hamburger-style sandwich that he owns or that I own. I'm owning this hamburger-style sandwich, and I can't wait to eat it during my lunchtime. And at the same time, I get a call from my black Mexican lover who I have requested that he or she record some of my thoughts because I've been getting pretty forgetful lately. And in the course of that conversation, we have an exchange where I say something that a lot of people don't agree with. Maybe it's that. Who can swim?

Who can't swim? It doesn't matter. Or even just that Shakespeare didn't write his own plays. Sure. Because I think it was that Earl. I think it was the Earl of Oxford, the 17th Earl of Oxford who wrote most of his plays. Yes, and that's... Or maybe Queen Elizabeth. We don't have to talk about that. Maybe Queen Elizabeth. It doesn't matter. People are just too

sexist to admit that. What the specifics are. Well, if you see Anonymous, you'd know. And so, I'm saying that, and then you don't agree with it. Now, can you come and take my hamburger sandwich and eat it in front of me? And is that, you just think about what the founding fathers intended when they drew up those great documents. And now, were they thinking that sometimes you can say

certain words that you can have your sandwich just resold to somebody else without you signing off on it oh and people are gonna act like it's like some favor they're doing me because they're gonna pay me twice what i paid for my hamburger sandwich well that's not the point i bought it because i want to eat it or even a hundred times as much it doesn't matter what the number is. The money's not important in that case because- You're hungry. I'm hungry and I love-

People need food. I love a hamburger sandwich. So in that way, it seems very unfair. And at what point then do we transfer into, and Hayes, you brought this up, thought crime? Yes. And can I not think that maybe someone, you know, wasn't swimming good? Or can I not think that maybe somebody didn't write something other people think they wrote? animal farm and you look at how they did to the pigs and how the pigs went against society with disruptive ideas.

And so they said the pigs couldn't be the boss anymore. If you just read a book every once in a while and you would see that's actually what is today. And whoever is the one who says that, that you can't be a boss, then they become the new boss, and they become just as bad as pigs. Because the pigs became like the people,

and I imagine that the horse or whatever was going to become like the pig, except I guess he got killed, put to the glue factory. That was a very scary part. Yes, and I skip it when I reread it. They chopped him all up. He didn't do anything wrong. Yes. And I skip it when I read it. They chopped him all up. He didn't do anything wrong.

Black. And in a way. Is he sort of like, I don't want to say he's the same as Donald Sterling, but is the book a certain kind of story where it represents real? And to clear up some of the Donald Sterling stuff that we've been getting hammered on, having someone be the godfather of your children doesn't mean that that's your best friend. That's an organizational issue, too. Scheduling.

Just being good with Excel. Like, that's why you have someone be the godfather. Well, and it's just their name, you know, is just easy to spell or whatever a lot of times. So you just put it on the form and whatever. He's accessible. He always answers the phone. And that's the kind of thing that you need. And if you look in the mirror, at some point, listener, you are going to be getting older. And you are going to want to have your black Mexican lover recording some of the things that you say because, unfortunately, we all do start to lose a step.

And now, apparently, that's against the rules and that's not something you can do anymore. Think about things that you've said before about maybe not liking a particularly popular song and then all of a sudden that song, everyone does like it. Yeah. And then the internet outrage machine is unleashed on you. Imagine they put that out there. Just for you being yourself and well I don't know. Read the constitution

and see. Maybe you walked out of Grand Budapest Hotel and you said oh yuck I didn't like Ralph Fiennes in that. well everyone did like him so if you and we should make clear that is absolutely just an example i thought he was so good so winning such a winning personality revelation so charming and i will say again too this is an example of a horrible thing you could say like some of the disgusting things Donald said. Yes. Such horrible things.

Vicious and nasty, and we hate it. But if you said something, you know, maybe not equally bad, but in the same tier, like criticizing Ralph Fiennes, and someone played that, then I could just come and take your hamburger sandwich. Yes. And he's not as much of our friend anymore. And, like, us having this conversation, Yes. And he's not as much of our friend anymore. And us having this conversation, this is as honest as we have been with him. And we said, Donald, you said it was what you said.

Forget it. No, thanks. And I know you said it in private, but if you said it in front of me, you would have been getting a punch in the nose. No dice. No dice, Donald. And no, it's not allowed. And you'd be out on your butt.

And you're lucky you didn't say it in front of me because you wouldn't have been invited to this pool party. And so that's the kind of stand that we've taken. We have a great guest today. Speaking of legends, Dave Thomas is here from SCTV and from Bob and Doug and Grace Under Fire. He's involved in Coneheads in some capacity probably. Directed the movie The Experts and he was in Arrested Development. That's right.

He was Mr. F in Arrested Development. He's going to talk about all those things and more stories from his Hollywood days. Development back in the day, yeah. That's right. He was Mr. F, an arrested development. He's going to talk about all those things and more stories from his Hollywood days coming right up on this show, Hollywood Handbook. Hollywood Handbook. So the lights flick on. She jumps out of the cake like, surprise! And I go, the only surprise, Melissa Etheridge, is that you think you're welcoming my home and I roll the cake down the stairs and you hear it fall all the way down.

And she died. Happy birthday, I think, by the way. Oh, forget it. Hey! What up? What up? What up? Welcome to Hollywood Handbook, an insider's guide to kicking butt and dropping names in the red carpet lineback hallways of this industry we call showbiz.

We have a really, really great guest today. It's an honor to have him. Sean and I have been doing this for a long time. TV, movies, comedy, drama, all these things. long time. TV, movies, comedy, drama, all these things. Sometimes we like to bring someone in who's been doing it as long as we have.

We can share stories from back in the day. Dave Thomas is here. How are you guys? It's great to be here. It's so nice. You'll still be alive. Yes. Isn't it good? I'll say. All the stuff we've been through.

For some people, I feel like it's not good for them to be alive because maybe they haven't done some of the things that we've done well what can they look back on

they don't deserve to be alive that's a great way to think about it that's very well put they haven't earned it it's true it's true

what are you up to these days I'm in semi-retirement meaning I'm doing our television. That's right. Yeah. That's what it is, isn't it? It is.

It is. It's very, very nice. It's like a paid vacation. It's old Hollywood, man. It's the last of those our studio 3 million inept dinosaur shows. And then they're gone. And I want to get my share of that loot before they're gone. And how much of your motivation is just grabbing the cash before you take off out the door?

98, 99%. And that 2%. That 2%. That's the art. That's altruism and art. It's why I started. Each 1%? 1% for altruism, 1% for art.

Yeah, 1% for altruism, 1% for art. And it was a bigger percentage earlier when I started out. But you got to let it go because it's not about altruism and it's not about art. And what a great lesson that ultimately you do have to let it go. And the sooner the better. Yeah. That no one's in this for really anything other than you can make a fuck ton of hot cash. And something about just having a big sweet pile of dose if stacked up in your bank account and being able to buy stuff, but also being able to buy people.

Yes. And girls. And girls. Who wouldn't look at you if you weren't rich or on TV or in the movies. Let's be honest. Yeah. We know the deal. Yeah.

We know the deal. Dave, we know you from sort of the old Canadian comedy scene when we were up there sort of doing it with you and Gordie Howe. Yeah. Who, I still say, the funniest, the most naturally talented comedian I've ever encountered. And there's never been anyone like him. And he chose to go a different route a little bit. He did some hockey, which was, I don't know. I thought it was crazy. Yeah, and I wish he hadn't only because, for selfish reasons.

Yes. Because I would have loved to be cracking up. We missed out. We missed out on a great talent. And he is alive, but it is sort of like he's dead just because he isn't doing industry stuff. He was the only guy who could do Gary Cooper back then. No one else could do an impression of Gary Cooper. But Gordy, he fucking nailed it, man.

He just had it. He inhabited him. Yes, the way he would say. And his face changed. He would do those scenes from The Fountainhead, you know? Yes. And his face would change, and you'd scenes from The Fountainhead, you know? Yes. And his face would change, and you'd go like, where'd Gordy go?

And how'd Gary get in here? That's right. And he would say like, it's high noon, partner. And you'd just laugh. You'd laugh and laugh and laugh. Do you still talk to Gordy? Yeah. Yeah, he does a lot of celebrity golf fundraisers and things like this now. And you show up to heckle him?

I do. I do. And to remind him that he made a big mistake. And he can write a book about hockey if he wants, but his real book should have been about this business. It's so funny that he does a celebrity golf tournament when really we're the real celebrities. And he's just a fucking athlete which is so easy we should do a celebrity celebrity tournament we don't actually raise

money for anyone and we don't actually do anything except sit around and talk about ourselves because i can't think of anything more interesting. Yes. But not for free. No. Well, people would pay for that, of course. But I don't want to give this to a bunch of bald cancer kids. I think we should just keep it. Divide it. Three ways or four ways?

I don't know. How does that work? Oh, and Dave's looking at Engineer Sam right now. And this is one of his classic humorous bits where he'll treat someone in the room like they are of substance when we all kind of know that... Used to play in the old days. No, no, no. It's still

good. I do it at the Friars Club, you know, the waiters. And those guys, they would look at me like, what, what? You know me? I go, Barney, I know you. I love you. You're part of this. Come on. Yeah, and their name's not Barney.

No, I didn't know what their name was. It's not important. It's better, yeah. It's better to not know it for that joke. That's gone now, of course. My last visit there, Friars Club, the bathroom smelled like a geriatric hospital.

It was disgusting. It's a good thing they shut it down. Speak on that bathroom. More on it? Speak on that, yeah. You go in there. I was having lunch with John Biner. You remember him?

Oh, yeah. John Biner, the comedian. John Biner, yeah. Yeah, John Biner. Did a little comedy. Then he went into politics. His goal, to upset the government. The funniest guy.

I mean, I can't believe he chose to go a different way because he could have been one of the greats. Yeah. His old evangelist bit. Oh, gosh. And then he started taking himself seriously. I don't know. So I'm in there with Boehner, or as he was doing back then, Boehner. Before he got rid of the Jewish stuff.

Yeah, exactly. And we're having lunch, and he's very bitter. He's talking about how the business has changed and everything else. And I go, yeah, you know, all this has got my urine flowing. I've got to go take a leak. So I go to the bathroom. I almost threw up. My urine flowing. I got to take a leak.

So I go to the bathroom. I almost threw up. It was like, okay, there is a consistency and odor of older people's poop that's different than the healthy, vigorous poop of young people. Yes. And the people in the Friars Club were old and geriatric, and it was disgusting. I had to get out of there because that is death. There are two things you don't want in this business. One, you don't want to hang around with failures.

Two, you don't want to smell old poop. And they're very closely related, those two. Scoop Troop, get your notebooks out. Get your notebooks out. That's great advice for being successful in Hollywood. Don't smell poop. There's medical information in there. There's Hollywood advice. And so then you had them shut the club down.

Yeah. Damn straight I did. I knew some people. You know, I still had some contacts. Some people with a big wrecking ball. And some people at the Friars Club who could, like, do a vote. Okay, all those who could favor say aye, put their hands up, and then they vote

and shut the damn thing down. Good riddance. Good riddance. Dave, you're talking about how the business has changed. How has it, for people now who think that podcasts

have been around forever and just watch everything on their computers, how has the business changed? Well, in the old days, guys like Joel Silver, who produced Lethal Weapon and a ton of movies, very good friend of mine. Joel could do a show, and he has a Frank Lloyd Wright house here, and he has a Frank Lloyd Wright house in North house here and he has a frank lloyd wright house in north carolina frank lloyd wright's a famous architect yes and just the funniest guy in person

i've ever met yes he kills the guy kill he crushes what a funny deadpan he's the master of deadpan oh yeah well the way he puts water on his house or whatever, you're just like, okay, friggin' what are you, Kabonko's nuts or something? But it's like, that's you know, that's just Frank. The Kabonko's nuts thing. So anyway, Joel is doing Lethal Weapon, and he goes,

I gotta fix up this Frank Lloyd Wright house because it cost me a million dollars to do this. So, hey, wait a minute. I get the art department from my movie to do it. It's the budget. This is so big. Nobody's ever going to miss that money. So he has the art department spend over $2 million out of the budget of the movie fixing up his house.

Warner Brothers finds out about it. You know what they do? They haul him into the offices and they say, don't do that again. What's your next movie going to be, Joel? That's the old business that I miss and love. Yes, it used to be that you could commit crimes. You could do whatever you wanted to do. If you were hot, the town was yours.

You could do whatever you want. There's no law. Now they'd put you in jail or something stupid. Yeah. Yeah, or they'd just treat it. Because they're jealous. The's no law. Now they'd put you in jail or something. Stupid. Yeah. Yeah. Because they're jealous. The police are jealous. They'll Twitter about you until you have to confess. And then where are you?

You know? I don't know. It's jail. It's not good. Yeah, then you're in jail. Bob Hope had girlfriends. Bob Hope was not good looking, but Bob Hope had a lot of money. And Bob Hope's girlfriends were legendary. I know all about that. Because they were so tall.

Miss America. There was probably at least a dozen Miss Americas that slept with Bob Hope. All sisters. Yeah. Yeah. It's like, what the hell was that? Seven Brothers and Seven Sisters? You remember that old movie?

Seven Brothers and Seven Sisters, yes. Seven Brothers and Seven Sisters, yeah, the old movie. And they all married each other and they went to jail. Yeah. Yeah. Bob Hope, I will say also, one of the funniest. Those guys back in the day. Funny, yeah.

He gave Gordy a run for his money a time or two back in those old clubs. Him pretending to care about soldiers where he would do that thing where he would show up and be like, thank you for your service. We love you. And the whole time he's making fun of them. Yeah, so they have no idea. Do the thing, you know, that we all like to do where we're making fun of soldiers. Yes.

Yeah. And this guy, he made a killing. Yes. Fortune doing that, you know? So much money. There's so much money in making fun of soldiers. And it's a real untapped market for a lot of people, and I feel like it's going away.

That's another thing that's changing. The wars are going away, that's why. We've got to get some people in Washington to get some wars going so we can start the mockery of soldiers again. There's nothing to make fun of right now. No, not really. Will you make fun of the economy? Give me a break.

It's already a joke. Yeah. Thank you. You're there. I see that. Yeah. Thank you. God bless you.

Hair Obama. You know what I mean? Yavul. Yavul, yes. Yavul, yeah. Akhtung. Baby. You guys listening to you talking YouTube to me?

Anyway. They don't know what that is. Dave. Dave. Yeah. The SCTV days. Yeah. You ran with a lot of comedians back then. What's the inside scoop on who was least talented?

You want the real honest truth? Yes. You're looking at him, baby. I was the least talented of all of them. But that's got nothing to do with what makes things click in this business. No. Because I knew that this business is about relationships, not about talent. And I made relationships with all these people.

And then next thing you know, I'm one of them. Thank you very much. I'm cashing a check. I'm sitting at Sardi's. I'm doing the thing. Fantastic. And Sardi's, you also had destroyed. Yeah. I had a picture of me. Hirschfeld art. Nice, crude looking. Didn't do me justice. Sketch my face up on the wall. And when my picture went down, what do you think I'm going to do? Take that line down?

Then the restaurant comes down. I knew people who could shut that thing down. And it wasn't the same people as the Friars Club either. I got more than one arrow in my quiver, so to speak. If I can use that metaphor. It always seemed like... You use it here, yeah. You benefited on SCTV because you were alphabetically last.

Yeah. In your last name. So the credits would always build so that you were like the big show. And you know what clinched it? They said, we got to get an announcer for the show. I said, I'll do it for nothing.

Wow. That way I can push my own name, see? Yeah, really blow it out. What a great tip at home. If you're thinking of coming to Hollywood, maybe change your name so that it has a Z in it or something like that. At the beginning, even. Yeah, put it at the top because that's why we all know who Hans Zimmer is,

but nobody's ever heard of Hans Abrams. Or Alan Abel. Yeah, Alan Abel or Alan Arkin. Or even Alan Arkin or even Alan Alda. None of those guys mean jack shit to me.

Jim Cromwell. Nobody knows him. Nobody knows Cromwell. We had him on the show. You did? Mm-hmm. What, right after Babe, the pig movie? Yep, shortly after Babe, and he was very tired from it. He finished Babe.

He was exhausted. He's a giant. You know he had his tibias lengthened? You have to do that these days. You have to. If you want to get noticed, he's played the president several times, and nobody likes a short, stubby president. No, you can't.

And that's the— Everyone hates that. —only reason Danny DeVito's not allowed to play president. And he's the most qualified acting-wise. More qualified than Martin Sheen. Come on. Let's be honest. But Martin's got those big, long tibias.

My God, you could make a meal out of them. He also has gams on the getaway sticks on Martin Sheen. And he had his desk raised up. He had his desk raised, that's right. There are some shots where they screwed up and the camera will go wide, and you'll see these, like, four or five-foot-long legs on the desk. It makes no goddamn sense. That's not the desk in the Oval Office, but it's the desk that Sheen sat behind because

he needed a tall desk for those lengthened tibias of his. I think he got his femurs done too. That's gluttony. Oh, we don't want to get sued here. Hang on. Guys, at a certain point, you got to do a show that is a celebration of you. You know what I'm saying? Yes.

I think you've done enough for the community of Hollywood that maybe it's time to take a little dip in like you and get some comeback. You know what I'm saying? Too generous. Yeah. We get that a lot. I appreciate that. People ask why we have guests. They go, aren't you guys the guests?

And we are. And I will say it is a selfish thing on my part because helping people makes me feel good. You know, it's a high. It's like a drug. So it is a celebration of us because... And helping dogs. Yes, and adopting strange dogs.

But they're not going to find you in a hotel room with your underwear around your ankles and a needle in your arm when you're helping people and helping dogs. You know what I'm saying? You're not going to become Hollywood tragedies. You're going to become, and I think you already are, Hollywood heroes. Yeah, and I don't shoot in my arm. No. I respect that. In between my toes or I stick it up my ass.

There's nothing wrong with that. There really isn't, and people will try to tell you that there is, but Scoop Troop, get out your pens. There's nothing wrong with it. When I started, they used to call the ass shoots the highway to heaven. Those were the days, man. Those were the days, man. Those were the days. I do miss that. Yeah.

Yeah, I do too. Pretty fantastic. Sunset Marquis Hotel. You guys ever hang there in the old days? Oh, gosh. You're bringing me back. When the Blues Brothers were rehearsing before their big show at the Amphitheater. Oh, baby. Yes.

Crazy food. Yeah. Just where Sunset divides there. What is it? Sunset, Altaloma, whatever that street is. Goes down to Santa Monica. Holloway, yeah. Yeah, Holloway.

And then there's the Sunset Marquis. This hotel, it's nowhere. It's out of the way. That's where it was going on, man. It was really happening there big time for a while. Yeah. The food and the – Very comfortable beds.

The Marmont. Sure. It was happening there for a long time too. Speak on that. Yeah, speak on that. Well, they pulled more than one body out of that hotel, let me tell you. If you didn't die there, you were bullshit. Yeah.

You were just nobody if you weren't dying at the Chateau Marmont. Yeah. Now, I've gone there and done stand-up at lunch so that I could die metaphorically because I didn't have the balls to die back then. That's very brave. Very brave. I should have died. That lunch crowd is tough over there. I remember being on a plane once that was starting to crash, and I asked the pilot to steer it towards the Chateau Marmont because I said, I'm just going to be so embarrassed if I die in this crash

and it's not at the chateau because I'm too big a deal. Now, I wound up being able to stop the plane crash, natch, but it's an important lesson of how we value our legacy. You know what else is an important lesson here? The understated heroism of saving 293 lives, which you just rushed over as though it didn't matter.

I don't care about that. None of those people, you wouldn't know who they were. He gets very embarrassed when you talk about it. But it is a big deal. It was nice of you. The poly what I mean, guys. It was the polyphonic spree was on the plane with me. I feel today three's a crowd. You know what I mean?

I feel like I'm joining you, but I feel like, honestly, you don't need me. Oh, Dave, no. Dave, stop it. Dave, no. Sit down, Dave. Don't leave. Dave, come back here. Dave, come back.

Dave, walk all the way back in here. Sam, go get Dave. Sam, get Dave for us. I'm back here. Dave, get back in your chair. Dave, come back. Walk all the way back in here. Sam, go get Dave. Dave, Sam, get Dave for us. I'm back. I'm coming. Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. Thank you. And Sam, don't be so rough with him.

Now, Dave, we have a segment that we like to do on this show. Okay. Yes. It is not easy to articulate what the segment is. The segment is called, it's where people ask questions of our guests. Our listeners will submit questions. If someone wants to know something, they ask a question. Yes.

That's just how it is. Okay. It's called the Popcorn Gallery. And people say, why? Why is it called that? We've tried many times to explain to people why it would be called the Popcorn Gallery. Unsuccessfully. Maybe you can explain for them.

Well, what is the part of showbiz that is trivial? You go to a movie. You see the movie. You get a box of popcorn. you get a bag of popcorn. Yes. You don't need the popcorn, but it's part of the experience. Yeah. Maybe that's the metaphor, that the audience is part of the experience, but do we need them?

That's it. Finally, somebody got it. It's taken quite a while. It's taken 32 episodes. Finally, someone figured out why it's called the Popcorn Gallery. It's so simple. Yeah. We could have just said that all along. That's how you have a long career. So we've got two choices here. We can be true to our conscience and our – I feel like an idiot lecturing you guys on this most self-effacing Hollywood heroes ever met on conscience.

But we could ignore the popcorn and just go, fuck the popcorn. We're not doing popcorn. Because popcorn is not essential. Or we could do – let's do both and we'll do segment, but just talk about how it's stupid. How unimportant it is. Yes. Fine. Let's reach into the popcorn bag, and we'll take out the first question.

Oh, a big piece of popcorn. This question is from Rigel. Dave, you are— Planet Rigel? Mm-hmm. Cool. is from Rijel. Dave, you are... Planet Rijel? Mm-hmm. Cool. Yeah. Dave, you are a renowned Hollywood Lothario, second only to Warden Beatty and your woman-slaying

exploits. Walk us through your fateful decision, reportedly made back on the set of Grace Under Fire, to never, ever wear a condom. to never, ever wear a condom? Well, I was working with a co-star on that show who's from Alabama. And she's the one who won me over to the no-condom philosophy. She said, if there's no danger, it ain't sex. You know what I'm saying, sweetie?

And I thought. That's a very good impression. God damn it. I'm getting rid of this rubber and I'm going to ride. That's what I did. And you also started keeping a loaded gun on the bedside table, huh? Actually, in the drawer, yeah. I'm not a show-off.

It's there, but it's not ostentatious. It's not there for all to see. It's just there. And you know about it. I know about it. And that's enough. But I'll tell you what, I wouldn't keep in that drawer. It's a pack of condoms. Disgusting. Unless you were going to shoot them with the gun.

Okay, that's a good idea. That never occurred to me. That's kind of the Elvis sex thing. I love that. You shoot the TV, you stick a bunch of condoms in the TV, and you shoot it. Well, that's a good idea. That never occurred to me. That's kind of the Elvis sex thing. I love that. You shoot the TV. You stick a bunch of condoms in the TV and you shoot it. Target practice. That's why we do this. It's a collaboration. Three brains are better than one.

But as my co-star said, when I told her there's no condoms in my drawer, she said, that makes you a real man. That's what she said to me. And she. She's on anger management now. Yes. One of the funniest. Yeah. I'm so glad that things are working out and that she's doing all this stuff.

Yes, I'm concerned there aren't enough episodes of the show, but at the same time. See, there you go. You guys are, you just got so much love in you for the rest of the business. I just – I don't know why they don't have a parade. Well, we wouldn't. In your honor. We wouldn't want that. We don't like it.

It's such a big cleanup. But there's so much jealousy in this business and just snarky backbiting. We try to be an antidote to that. Yeah. Here's another question. Shoot. What's this in the popcorn bag? Some sort of meteorite.

Oh, well, I'll eat it anyway. Ow. Okay. I thought it was done. This one's from Washington Monagent. Dave Thomas, you were in the animated films Brother Bear and Brother Bear 2. Was it scary working with the bears? Horrifying.

One of the things they don't tell you when you're doing animation is the danger that's involved in the job. And I got to admit, I was cavalier. I didn't expect it. But, you know, I think Moranis and I probably escaped by the skin of our teeth on at least three occasions where we could have been mauled to death and eaten, left headless in some animated frame, some panel of a winter wonderland. And there we are, just bleeding stumps. We got out of it. But don't ever lowball animation.

It's dangerous as hell. I did another one that was dangerous, too, where I played a villain in Superman, Warner Brothers thing, the Legion of Justice. That's what it was. It's fucking dangerous stuff. I nearly got killed in that one too. Superman tried to punch your head off. Everyone's punching. Yeah.

Yeah. And you were playing yourself in that? No, I was playing a character. Thank God because that's part of what saved me. Okay. I had a big, like, two-dimensional flat head, but I could have been killed. That's pretty scary stuff, and I think I'd like to move away from this question because I'm getting too scared. Yeah.

You're thinking about your viewers again. I wish I could say it was that generous, but I am getting a little too scared and I do need a bit of a break. Let's reach back into the bag. Hmm, my hand's in the soda. I guess it's that the ice keeps making this noise.

Well, I'll pull it out and dry it off then. Here's a question from Octodactypus. Dave, you recently had a guest appearance on the Fox series Bones. Was it scary being surrounded by so many skeletons on the set? Were you tempted to rearrange them into a xylophone so maybe a pirate ghost could play it? Now, that's a trick question because you called them skeletons. And that lets me know that you know more than you're pretending. Yes.

Because a skeleton is infinitely more scary. And he's pointing at me, Dr. Doctopus, but he's talking to you because you submitted the question. It's infinitely more scary than a skeleton. Yes. Okay. And thank you for pointing that out because a lot of people think, oh, they go to a graveyard and they get some bodies that have decomposed and they put them on the set. They don't do that. They make these skellingtons.

And they're scary as hell. And they have the ability to kill you. So thank you for pointing that out and reminding all of us of how dangerous the work is and how, honestly, let me be completely candid, we deserve a little danger pay. There's a little bonus or a little kick that Fox, Mr. Murdoch, in his infinite wisdom of building an empire for his children, I guess he just didn't think that maybe he's risking people's lives. It's one of the most dangerous shows you could work on. A per diem. Because you could work on. A per diem. Because you could die. Yeah.

Per diem. Yeah. For the dead. Speak on that. Well, there's per diem, which you used to get in the old days when you went and did a show. Then there's the per diems, which you get if you're willing to give your life for the show. I don't take per diems. No.

Because I'm not a sucker. But it's a nice chunk of change. It's a nice chunk of change. It's a nice little piece of business. It's a nice chunk of Chang, you know what I mean? It is. It's Chinese currency or possibly Bitcoin. It depends, really.

They pay you in whatever they got that day. But, yeah, per diems, don't mess around with them. They'll kill you. But it's tempting, right? Because it is a nice chunk of Chang. It's a nice chunk of Chang. Yeah. There's no question.

Early in my career, I might have taken a per dime or two just because I just fucking love money so much. Was that in your early TV days? The Shanghai Check TV stuff that you did in Formosa? That stuff was fantastic, man. Most people don't know about that. They don't pay attention to international TV. It was stupid.

No, no. You made a dictator look great. Who can do that? It was important to me that he be likable. You know, I mean, there's so many TV characters who are just foul villains. And I just thought, shouldn't we like this guy? And how do you make him likable?

He was a klutz. You give him, yes, you make him a klutz. You give him some heart. Okay, you have somebody else say how much he's likable. These are the tricks. You were a sidekick there. But let me tell you something. For my money, you were the star.

Thank you. Yeah. And for the money that I got paid as well, I was getting paid more than the star. So I was not really a sidekick in that way. Okay. So I'm not really, you know, not really a sidekick. Just in turn, that's not how the show thought of me because obviously I'm getting the most money there. See, I didn't know that.

Now you're getting into the behind-the-scenes stuff, the transparency that people love. Speak on that. Well, the money that I made was more than the other performers on the show. Okay, and that's very similar to what you said a moment ago. If we could kind of push the veil aside and get behind that to what? Well, when my team negotiated my deal,

they made sure that the amount of dollars I was getting would be higher than the other performers' deals. And this would have been your super team. The WMEFO, William Morris Formosa agents. Those guys are deadly. They're short, but they're legion. They're vipers. Yeah. They'll put legion. They're vipers. Yeah. They'll put you on a spit.

A pit of vipers. Before you know it, you'll be rotating on a spit. Big apple in your mouth. What a great start for your career. What a building block. And you've built on that block, I got to tell you. And now it's a big mansion. You're still here. You've built on that block, I've got to tell you. And now it's a big mansion. You're still here. Yeah, and I've outlasted Shankai Check, and my legacy outlasts his as well.

Good job. Gracias, amigo. Dave, is there anything you'd like to plug? Any upcoming shows or albums. I was at a party with Cheech. You know him from the Up and Smoke movie? Oh, yes. Big time, yeah. Chong's friend.

I know Tommy. I did that 70s show with Tommy. I'm very familiar with him. But Cheech, I hadn't really met. And I was standing beside him and it was one of those awkward moments where we're like the party's going on, and we got nothing to say to each other. And I turned to him, and I said to him, this Zorro, what kind of man is he?

And he looks at me and laughs, and I said, do you know Tiki resembles Don Diego de la Vega? and laughs. And I said, do you know Tiki resembles Don Diego de la Vega? I personally think without the mask, he would be the same man.

And he does so much for the poor. This started a conversation. And we want to do a comedy Zorro. Nobody's touched that one yet. And I think there's plenty of action

and plenty of fun to be had south of the border. Me and Cheech and the Adventures of Zorro. We're not going to play Zorro. Somebody's got to be Bernardo, his blind or deaf assistant. And somebody's got to be Sergeant Garcia. I think I can do Garcia. I think he can do Bernardo.

And then we need like a young cool oh my god either of you guys could be this character oh whoa whoa whoa okay so your plug is for you and Cheech's comedy Zorro

yeah starring me and Hayes as Zorro I wonder if there's a way to do it so we combine with the computers and stuff they're doing now. We use your hair and my kind of like torso. You could. Is there a way to do that? Or you could do a little thing I like to call Zorro 2.0.

Both of you play Zorro. Two guys on one horse. Am I talking a recipe for comedy? I think we're ready for that. Yes. Yes. I think it'll look great in the black. I really do.

Wow. Well, we'll have our teams call you. Dave, thanks so much for coming in today. And please, everyone at home who's listened, enjoy the show. Like it on Facebook. Rate it on iTunes. Write a nice little review. Get on the forums.

Talk to us. Put yourself in the popcorn gallery. And buy the pro version. Hayes, do you know who bought the pro version? Rye Joe bought it, and he got a question in, and he bought the pro version. But what's his prize? He got a question in and he bought the pro version. Okay. But what's his prize?

His prize is that Dave Thomas is going to give you one of the lines from one of Zorro's friends that will appear in the pilot. He's going to deliver it to you, Rigel. So this is a secret scoop just for Rigel. This is a scene. Rigel's just walked into the party. You're one of Zorro's friends. And you sort of turn to Rigel and you say, I don't know who you are.

I need to see some identification. Okay. That's a real line. That's a real line. And I feel bad for sharing it, but I think Roger learned it. He did. He did. Bye.

Bye. This has been an Earwolf Media Production. Executive Producers Jeff Ulrich and Scott Aukerman. For more information, visit Earwolf.com.