Hollywood Handbook - David Sedaris, Our Storytelling Friend

Episode Date: March 3, 2020

DAVID SEDARIS teaches The Boys how to tell a good story and fixes the show.Check out David's MasterClass at MasterClass.com/Sedaris and pre-order The Boys' new vinyl at NewburyComics.com/HollywoodHandbook. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Okay, stop the song, right? Yeah, we don't do the song for this one. Stop the song. So normally what we would do is we would tell a story. This has been a part of the show for a long time that we start the show by telling a story over the song. Used to be like a beloved section of the show that people enjoyed. We ran out of stories to tell and things to say

a long time ago. It's a rote exercise. Yeah. So one thing for this episode, there's a lot we want to do for this episode, but one thing we wanted to do was get some help from you. You tell stories, is that correct? You're a storyteller?

I mean, I write them. Effectively a legend of both printed and spoken word? Is that? Yeah, I don't, like I would never do like a moth or anything like that. You know, when people just have to. You think the moth sucks? You have to, David. You have to do a moth.

Shots fired at the moth. I wouldn't want to be the moth right now. You must do the moth. I've never seen the moth either. Have you ever seen the moth right now. You must do the moth. I've never seen the moth either. Have you ever seen the moth? I saw The Mothman Prophecies. Do you remember this film with Richard Gere? The Mothman Prophecies?

Yes. Do you recall this film? And that's a story. And that was a story. Huh. A legend passed down through time of the killer moth man. And Richard Gere was investigating it in the film. But that's, I guess, not the moth that you meant, which is fine.

I haven't seen it, but I have heard. I meant gentle cousin of the butterfly. You think the moth is gentler than the butterfly, and the butterfly is the aggressive, nasty cousin. That the pretty colors have given a reputation, perhaps, for being a sweetheart. Well, what's interesting is where I live in England, in the south of England. Okay. The south of England.

In the summertime. The English Riviera. In the late summer, butterflies come into the house, and they hide in the rafters, and they become dormant. And then when you turn the heat on in the winter, they kind of come back to life, and they try to get out the windows. So you'll have butterflies and flies plastered against all the windows trying to get out, and you let them out, and they're just going to die because it's too cold for them. And then five minutes later, you have a whole new group. Okay. Seasons.

And then, to me, the moth is not gentle. You see I'm wearing a sweater. I'm moth bait, baby. I mean, they would really go at this pretty aggressively. Do you have moth problems here? I do. You do? Unfortunately, I do. Oh, in England. I have to be honest. And you know moth problems here? I do. You do? Unfortunately, I do.

Oh, in England. I have to be honest. And you know what else they like? They like taxidermy. They like it. And they'll lay their eggs in the taxidermy and completely destroy it. What are we talking? And the taxidermy will begin to come to life.

No, wait. Let's compare collections. Let's compare collections. What are you working with in your place? What kind of taxidermy are we talking? Game hen? Well, I had a chipmunk that my sister gave me, and I was getting ready to leave town for a couple months,

and I had it in a cabinet, and I just looked in the cabinet, and I saw a worm drop out of it. Wow. And so I put a bell jar over it, and I came back two months later, and all the fur was gone, and it just looked like it was made out of white leather. And then holes started to appear in the leather. And anyway, moths and their larvae completely destroyed this taxidermy. It's like something out of the Mothman prophecy.

Just the one chipmunk you have? Mm-mm. You got a lot more stuff. Three? Yeah, I have other things. Okay. I have a lot of dogs. Taxidermy dogs?

A lot of them. I have a little Yorkshire Terrier in a case. And normally I wouldn't name it. In a case? Yeah, we named it Casey. Normally we wouldn't name things like that. And he's sitting on a little piece of carpet. He's probably 80 years old, and he's just waiting for his master to return.

And he has wonderful eyes. And we have some puppies. And they were Victorian. So they would take the puppies and drown them. The best generation. And then stuff them. Yes. And put them in these shadow box, you know, little environments and put them in a box.

Like a diorama. Acting out scenes from, I guess, what kind guess, what are some of the great Victorian dramas? Is there anything? These just look like they're in kind of an old kennel. Okay. Like a prison. Actually, they look like they're in a dog prison. I have many versions of the noble bug, the mighty beetle, the stag beetle,

and I have these preserved and they're put into scenes as well, but they're usually doing human activities. So the bug might be reading a speech at a podium, or the bug might be sitting down to enjoy his cereal, and he has his little crook, the tiny spoon put into his pincer.

These are my taxidermy. I don't have anything with fur because I do not want the moth problems that you described. Well, another thing, there was this guy who had a Victorian guy who did these elaborate taxidermy scenes, and he had like a guinea pig classroom. And there were like 25 guinea pigs in the classroom. And there was a stern teacher, and there was the lazy student,

and the student with his hand raised. And they was a stern teacher, and there was the lazy student, and the student with his hand raised. And they did a kitten wedding. Okay. So from this guy, he had a museum, and then they dismantled the museum because people weren't interested anymore. And Damien Hirst, the artist, bought a lot of the stuff. But I found squirrels sword fighting.

Oh. I own that. I used to have kittens smoking in the boys' room. A couple bad kittens. Leather jackets on. Kicked back. You know it's between class, and you know that the bell has already rung.

I would love to talk taxidermies all day. I would, too. We have to introduce our guest. And already we're getting into stories. Sorry. Our guest, of course course is David Sedaris Who's in many books Yes, you have written about Many

Being colleagues with Santa Claus Going to France Going to Tokyo And many other things Does this Crixin speak on this? Sure, that's correct. Growing up. Growing up.

Part of the story. Growing old. Growing heavy. Can happen. Written about. Yeah. Yeah. But you're famous for you write these things, and then you say them as well,

which many of your peers. Too afraid. Dean Kuntz, another legend of the printed word. Nobody wants to hear him say these books. But you, you say them. Well, I think part of it is, like, I would never go to a theater and read something that's an hour long. Because then if you're in the audience, you're not really into it

and you're just kind of stuck there. So I'll read maybe eight things. No, I don't believe in reading part of something. But I just write short things. I have a 12-page attention span.

Do you know that I've seen you at the theater? Oh, yeah? This is a bit of gotcha journalism, in fact. Do you recall going to the Ridgewood Playhouse around 2005? In Ridgewood, Connecticut? Yes, correct. That's funny. Mm-hmm.

I was just back at the Ridgewood Playhouse a couple months ago. Has it changed since our time we spent there? Not a bit. Well, that's good, because if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Yeah, we were there. I believe I was wearing sort of a unique blazer and you complimented me on it. I got my book signed. I was with my sister. We saw some deer on the way home. Did I know it was your sister? Maybe we talked about your sister a bit as well. I always love it when people come with their brother or sister.

Yeah. That's the sweetest thing. Yeah. It's a family affair. I love it when families do things together. Yeah. That's the last thing we probably did together. Really?

Yeah. Around 2005. But it was good. We don't want to spoil it by trying to do something else. They called it off after that. Where do we go from here? We saw a deer on the way home, which was pretty exciting. Then we parked, shook hands, and went our separate ways.

That's how you do it. But we'll always have the Ridgewood Playhouse. You don't wait for it to just peter out after that. You just say, we've had a great brother-sister thing. Hell of a run. You end on a high note. This is interesting, possibly, for you mentioned you were doing Kimmel tonight. If you really score, like if you say something that just lands hard,

just stand up and walk off the couch. Leave. Just leave. Leave them wanting more. I wouldn't have written that anyway. Do you think anyone's ever done that? Just gotten up and walked off? You'd be a legend, man.

If they haven't, even better. And I was wondering, too, do you think anyone's ever vomited or passed out on a show like that? No, on a talk show like that. Almost everyone does. Certainly, I've seen the host be vomited on by various funny animals. the host be vomited on by various funny animals. But it must, I mean, given the amount of talk shows, the amount of guests.

Somebody must have thrown up. Somebody must have. Well, especially on Kimmel, where they used to have an open bar. Or shit in their pants, maybe. They may have gone to the bathroom. It's actually like they cut it out, but it's rude if you don't do it. It makes the host feel powerful. For you to go and shit on the couch, and they'll edit it, but it's rude if you don't do it. It makes the hosts feel powerful. For you to go and shit on the couch,

and they'll edit it, or they'll at least cover the noise up a little bit with Jimmy coughing, but if you don't do it, they sort of feel like, oh, this guy doesn't think I'm anything. Somebody showed me a little video clip yesterday. It was Whoopi Goldberg on The View, and she farted on The View.

And they just left that right in there. And then she owned up to it. And I would have pretended it was a chair noise or something. I never would have admitted it. Well, the cushion that bears her name is perhaps an indication that she's very proud

of that sound. Yeah, I mean, she's lining her own pockets because that's moving units to see her do it on The View. It's really free advertising. Let's talk about the master's class. Yes. And we're here. We've arrived at the main premise. You've done this.

I did a master class. It is on the satirical art. It's on. And essay and truth. And the book. I think humor and storytelling. Ah. Mm-hmm.

Yeah? Nice. And I impart some wisdom. Oh, you do? Yep. Now, we want people to buy the cow. So let's not give them too much milk, but maybe just a drop. With one little.

One milk. Just one nug. Okay, try this on for size. Sticky nug. If you want to be a writer. Okay. Write. I disagree.

Write no matter what. I disagree with that. Writers write. Write. I disagree. Write no matter what. I disagree with that. Writers write. They love to write. If you have a cut on your finger, write. Go ahead and write. Write about the cut. Use the blood. Write. Write with the cast. Write on the cast. Sign your name on the cast.

If you're in a wheelchair and you can't do anything from your chin down, write with a chopstick in your mouth. The sessions. Write on the cast. Draw the stussy S. You know, do whatever it takes.

But, you know, you meet a lot of people who say, oh, if I had time or I want to write, but, you know, you make the time for what you want to do. If you want to, yeah. Am I wrong? I think so, yeah. Hayes thinks you're wrong, and I'd love to hear his side of it because, frankly, I've known Hayes a lot longer, and I trust him. So all you have to do is say that you're doing it.

You don't have to actually do it. I say to everyone I'm a writer. I'm working on something. I don't do anything. It's getting really good. Did you go to college? No, not particularly. You didn't?

No. Well, it's not college per se. No. It's sort of a different. Yeah. I wouldn't think of it as just a college. It's a little, I don't know. You want to just describe it?

It's a little castle in Boston. Ah. But it's not like you wouldn't say, oh, I went to college. It's a little different from that. So you went to Harvard. Well, I don't like to say it that way. Immatriculate. It wouldn't say he went there.

That absolutely kills me. Immatriculate. Everyone I know who went to Harvard, did you go to school? Yeah, I went to school in Massachusetts. Oh, you said it. Some little castle in Boston. I say I lived in a castle in Boston, and me and all my friends just made each other laugh, and we wrote all the funniest ideas in the world, and we're making fun of everything.

But what's wrong with saying I went to Harvard? Like if I went to Harvard. I wouldn't know. I've never said it. I would say it. Yeah. You would say. I mean, what I do say.

If I went to Yale, I would say I went to Yale, and I would feel pretty good say it. Yeah. You would say, I mean, what I do say. If I went to Yale, I would say, I went to Yale. And I would feel pretty good about it. And I would say, you know what? I went to Princeton. You'd say, me and all my cronies, we give each other jobs. No, I wouldn't feel guilty about it. No, I'm not saying to feel guilty about it. I don't think it's fair to feel guilty about something that so many people would like to do. And then you do it.

And then you feel, oh, bad and guilty and ashamed about it. That's just some old bullshit. No, I agree. I mean, like, there's no, like, the fact that you took a spot of a more deserving person because of factors totally unrelated to, like, your ability or, like, just general merit. Systemic issues, yeah. Yeah, the legacy of hundreds of years of

racism. Historical oppression. Thank you. And it's making me bored. And I'm bored. Please. Come on. We gave the Husker to Parasite.

That's fixed. That's a big one. Did you say that in the Master Club? That's a big one, too. Go to Harvard. That's sound advice. Humor and storytelling. I mean, she probably should have started with that.

Lampoon everything. I'm an honorary member. Is that so? Of the Harvard Lampoon. You go mix it up with the boys in the castle? Of the Hasty Pudding Club. Oh. Yes, and I have seen that.

I have seen that show. And I didn't go to college there. That's what honorary, yeah. And you know what? I'll tell you something else. I gave the graduation speech at Princeton. Take that. Oh, wow.

Okay, and sticking it to them. Yep. And you didn't go there either? Didn't go there either. You didn't go to the eating club? Didn't go there either. Where'd you go? I went to Western Carolina University in Collier, North Carolina.

And then I went to Kent State for a year. And then I went to the Art Institute of Chicago. Nice. And anyone can get to the Art Institute of Chicago. Nice. And anyone can get into any of those schools. That's a museum. The school of the Art Institute of Chicago. So it's like a school that's attached to the museum. I've been there.

I don't really think it is. And he's actually been there. There's some classrooms attached to the museum. Okay. Okay. Yeah. Didn't remember seeing that. Are you talking about the

apple head it's in the back the guy whose head is an apple he's not okay i just want sorry i don't know how much you paid to go there but the guy whose head is an apple is not a teacher oh that my great painting is not a teacher that is is, no, that's not a teacher. That is, it's just a painting. I understand that like apple for teacher is like a whole thing. Yeah, you buy a ticket to go in. Oh, this must be the best teacher. He got so many apples, his head became one. But I do think that somebody took you for a ride, unfortunately.

Well, I... You're making it up. You know, if I had to draw your picture and I had to try as hard as I could, it would look like one of those really bad police sketches. So I was never particularly talented. But they let me in. Yeah. Congratulations.

And here you are now. You're a teacher, aren't you? Now I'm a teacher. Because you're a teacher in the master class. Give us one other. Just a little milk. Just a little. Okay.

I'm going to grind it up. All right. When your book comes out. Okay. Yes. We skipped a little bit, but that's great. Yeah. Okay.

So you're a writer. I like the confidence. And then you write a book, and then when your book comes out, and you go to a bookstore to do a reading of your book, write them a thank you letter. The bookstore. Yeah. And leave it in the book.

It's a secret. And then. No. Okay. No, mail it to them. Okay. A little tip. And then Troy, who works there, is maybe slipping a little recommended tag under the book.

Suddenly, yeah, you're popping up in there. And it's like a little hand-drawn sketch of Troy. And he's like, oh, I never laughed. Like, spat my milk everywhere. Laughed so hard. Losing it. Sometimes you go back to the bookstore and they say, oh, we have the postcard you sent us last time,

and then it's pinned to a wall in the employee break room with other things on top of it. Oh, right, yeah. Guitar lessons and stuff. Lost dog poster. It's supposed to be out in front. What are any bookstores? Best bookstore, go.

Yeah. Best bookstore, rank them. Harvard Bookstore. Number one. That's easy. I was at the Harvard Bookstore once. I was signing books one time, and this woman came up. And I said, when was the last time you touched a monkey?

And she said, and it was just a stupid question. And she said, can you smell it on me? And she worked for a place that's right outside of Boston that trains monkeys to act as servants for quadriplegics. And it was crazy. Helper monkey. It was crazy. And so she invited me to the center. So I went to the center.

And I was in a room with like 12 capuchin monkeys. They pull all their teeth out so they can't bite quadriplegics. And then I did a benefit for them, and they said, anytime you want a monkey, just let us know. So I went to the Harvard bookstore, and I said, I wouldn't like a monkey. And one of the things the monkeys are trying to do is turn pages in a book, because if you're paralyzed, you can't do that right and so i was at the podium and then the monkey was with me and then she pulled a book off the shelf and she was turning pages in the book and it looked like she could read and no one paid any attention to me this is where it's such a mistake all this this new technology about like being able to whatever

use your eyes to turn the page of an electronic book or something. Why don't we just go back to the old ways and just have monkeys do it? Just take the monkey's teeth out and put them on the book. Monkeys in diapers. Yeah, why do we have to improve on this system? It was working great.

If you're a real writer, you hire a monkey with no teeth to write. It's so obvious. And then it's like, oh, I'm going to fix it. I'll get a robot. It's like, I'm sorry, we already have monkeys. So that is frustrating.

You meet so many interesting people, David. Are you just a magnet for this? That's a lesson, really. If someone invites you to go to another location in the book signing line you have to go. Yeah. If they say hey I work inside a secret laboratory you go with them. Immediately. You have to convert

that sale. Well have you spent much time with a monkey? Me personally? Yeah I got this big hairy ape over here to my right. Engineer Brett. This is Engineer Brett.

Yeah. Very nice to meet you. Up to quite a bit of monkey shines. Because I was asking people at book signings, I would love to hear from people who have owned a monkey. Because it used to be, and it's not this way now, but you could buy a monkey in the mail and a living monkey would be sent to your house. You know, the box would have breathing holes in it and stuff. But I met this woman and she had a monkey and it climbed up an electrical pole.

And then it got electrocuted and the pole fell over onto her donkey and the donkey was named Jackpot. So she lost her monkey and her donkey in the same incident. This was in a book signing line? Yeah. I can just picture the person behind this conversation who's like, well, I gotta make something up

really fast. My story sucks. All the monkey stories had tragic endings. Yeah. Well. And such is life. It's just not a good idea. You know, comedy is just monkeys plus time.

But it's like that. Don't you think it's like that with, it's the same with people who have raccoons. You know, when it's a baby. Those mail order raccoons too, you remember those it's a baby, it's odd. Those mail-order raccoons, too. You remember those? Well, then it gets to be breeding age. And then it just, everything changes. And then it becomes about sex.

The personality completely changes. Yes. They become too horny to maintain as pets. It's just a fact of raccoon life. I think the solution, really really is you go to them. We're bringing these raccoons into our homes. Mail yourself. Live like us.

Mail yourself to them. Mail yourself to the raccoon. That is when we'll really learn. So we need to learn how to tell a story for the top of the show. We still haven't done yet. We still haven't done yet. We still haven't done any of it. That's usually how the show begins. So the show has not actually started.

Technically, the show hasn't started, which you've got a lot of time. Is that correct? And you're enjoying yourself? Oh, my goodness. Doing Richter after this? Yeah, I'm going to talk to Andy. Okay. You got anything you're saving up for him?

Something you don't want to give to us because you're saving it for Andy oh yeah a lot I can feel you holding back it would be helpful to us I'm going to tell you here's my two cents worth you have to stop talking at the same time

if you're going to tell a story either one of you does it or the other please pick but when two people are doing it or the other. Which one? Please pick. But when two people are doing it at the same time. But which one? But you have to pick. Well, he went to Harvard, so I'd say him.

Okay. He's more qualified. Yeah. You've studied. And where did you go again? Second City Training School. I'm totally, yes. I'm totally, I put myself through Second City.

Oh, really? In Chicago? Uh-huh. What year? What year? Boy, I was 99 to 07. Okay. I did the.

Because my sister Amy was there. So I was there. I mean, you know, I want to go see her and everything. Yeah, she I think did. 85 to 90. She did, I guess, just doing shows there and stuff. I feel like she didn't really study there. She was just kind of performing and screwing around.

Performing and writing and doing, yeah. She took classes there. Cracking people up. And then she was in the touring company, and then she was on main stage. Right. Yeah. He's had more of a Karate Kid style training. Yeah.

Where he was cleaning the chairs and, yeah, making the concessions and all that stuff. Was Joyce there when you were there? Joyce, yeah. Oh, God, love Joyce. Joyce was one of the main. I've heard so much about Joyce from him. Oh, Joyce. Everyone who ever went there could imitate Joyce.

Oh, and I. And no exception here. And wait until you hear the Joyce come out. Okay, right. And Hayes was leaving and wait until you hear the Joyce come in. Okay, right. And Hayes was leaving, and Joyce is coming in. So Joyce comes in, and like first thing in the morning, every morning, so Joyce comes in, what's up? Do you not know her?

Yeah, but this doesn't sound like her at all. The impressions weren't his main Also class that he took We know this woman in Japan And she does imitations of people Like she'll imitate her husband Oh you have thick toast I like my toast thin Oh I don't like thick toast

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And you said, oh, what is that? And I said, your sister does shows there. And you said, I don't think so. Yeah. I have never heard of that. No, she didn't do shows there. She has done a show there. Amy at Upright Citizens?

She was never in UCB. She's done a performance there. No. Really? You know, I was there two weeks ago. Okay. In New York, because I have a young friend. I'm one of the main guys. I also have a lot of...

Who took classes there, and it was his Improv 101. Uh-huh. And you went to his Improv 101 show? Yeah, I did. Yeah, that's nice. Did anyone recognize you? No.

Minnie Driver was at my Improv 101 show. Who? Minnie Driver. Mini Driver was at my improv one-on-one show. Who? Mini Driver. Yep. Mini Driver. A mini driver? Or was it your improv one-on-one show? And not just a driver of a Mini Cooper like Paul F. Tompkins,

but in fact, Mini from About a Boy, the TV show. Hook, hook, dunk, dunk. Remember she said that? Good Will Hunting? We saw her in a lot of things Circle of Friends we sure did we sure did

we've seen her speechless and she was at your show did she come to see you or she well ultimately you know

technically yes she did come and she did see me. So she came to see me. Was that her intention when she left the house? Certainly not. Do you see a lot of stars?

Like who was the last star you saw? Star? Who was the last star? Star, star, star, star, star. I'm just trying to think. So many. I'm seeing so many of them. And it would help to know who you consider a star.

Is Patrick Warburton a star? I don't know who that is. Okay. I haven't seen him. It's just like a. Just a guideline. Just an example of just where the line is. So no.

It sounds like no. Putty from Seinfeld. Rules of Engagement. Not a star. Let's find it. The Rules of Engagement. Not a star. Let's find it. Let's find it. Anne Heche? We're going to zero in.

She would count. Okay, so let's go. So that's too high. So it's somewhere in between Patrick Warburton and Anne Heche. Okay. That might be the line. The last person I saw when I was in New York was Anna Wintour. Okay, and that's a star.

And I saw her on the street, and I thought, wow, that person looks just like Anna Wintour. Is she a star? And then I went into the store that she'd come out of, and I said, was that Anna Wintour? And they said, yeah, she comes in here all the time. Yeah, that counts. She discovered James Corden. She's a celebrity. Did you ever do James Corden?

She did a master class. Ah. Have you watched a lot of the master class? Yeah, you never did James Corden? Mm-mm. When you do that, the thing to do is get so, like, he'll be offended if you don't get so nervous that you sneeze and, like, a lot of snot comes out. And six or seven sneezes in a row. Mm-hmm.

Just every time. Every time it seems as though you've recovered and we're about to get back into the show, you hit him with a big achoo. And that, I think, wins him over in this way, where it's like he feels sorry for you. You seem to be very sick, of course, so he keeps his distance a little bit. And then you can talk about whatever,

because it's like broken the tension. And crying, obviously. You should cry a lot. Did you ever break a rib or fracture a rib? Me? Not my own. So this is actually. Keep pushing me, Brett.

Because normally, I think it feels really good to sneeze. But if you have a broken rib, got it. Forget it. I love sneezing. And it's great, isn't it? It's fun. And you know, like sometimes you can look at the sun to sneeze. But if you have a broken rib, got it. Forget it. I love sneezing. And it's great, isn't it? It's fun. And you know, sometimes you can look

at the sun and sneeze. Don't fall for this. It's a blast. He's trying to find common ground with you. If you're not driving. He has no idea what you're talking about.

He's always trying to leverage the guest against you. Okay, but let's say we're on an airplane and I'm sitting next to you. He doesn't know what you're talking about. He does.

And I sneeze. He's just pretending. We're on an airplane and you're next to me and I'm sitting next to you. He doesn't know what you're talking about. And I sneeze. We're on an airplane and you're next to me and I sneeze. What do you say? I say, God bless you. I don't say anything when someone sneezes. And I don't want them to say anything to me. I say, may God honor you. I don't either. I like Gesundheit.

May God carry you in his gentle arms, I say. I just don't see the point. I say, may God forgive you. I say, God forgive you. I say God forgives. You know what I say sometimes when someone sneezes? This is the only thing I ever say. I have AIDS. Wow.

When they sneeze on you. Okay, so let them know. No, just when they sneeze, I say I have AIDS because I want them... To feel better about... To feel better about themselves. Okay. You appear to have a cold.

I have full-blown AIDS. That's what I say when someone sneezes on a plane next to me. Wow. And that must make them feel really nice. Because they go, oh, here I was feeling bad for myself that I sneezed. Yeah. I'm sitting next to a guy with full-blown AIDS. And he's sharing.

Yep. That's cool. That opens it up in a big way. I'm sitting next to a guy with full bone and he's sharing yep that's cool that opens it up in a big way they may respond to you with an uncomfortable truth perhaps that they wouldn't normally say to a stranger and then that's more for your book we have to start the show first of all it would really help if you would tell Richter

what a good experience you had here please because he's been refusing to do the show. Huh. We get great guests. Yeah. We've gotten good people. If you could tell him that you had fun and that we didn't talk at the same time. And that it wasn't sort of a wall of smarm.

Smarm's not the right word. Okay. I'd love to hear what it is. Smarm Smarm's not the right word Okay I'd love to hear what it is Someone said it's like being in a In a car crash It would be great if you told them it's like Not being in a car crash Like it's being in a safe car

I think it's like being in a vacuum cleaner bag While somebody Is vacuuming a room that lots of cats died in. That's what I think it's like. Okay. Lots of cats died in like three years ago. But it's still, so it's not fresh rot, but it's still. Diseased fur yeah

but for you and bone and flesh with your taxidermy collection this to you is a compliment it's a project yeah because then inside

the vacuum bag you've got such an activity to put all these cat bones back together that's a summer so you're welcome for what must be

a cherished experience we have to we got to start the show so and now can i ask before you did your master class did you watch a lot of the other master classes no i didn't no didn't want to i didn't want to be influenced too heavily i will say it shows i've seen yours it does show a little bit. You are facing the wrong way. I think if you had watched some of the other ones, it would, you're not facing in the completely wrong direction. Yeah.

But definitely like 90 degrees. It's off center. Yeah. Shit. You're missing and you're not totally in frame. Mm-hmm. Okay, didn't I ask you,

in the other ones, did people have clothes on? Well, okay, so. Yes, but different ones from the ones you have on. Yeah, and it's... You keep saying, like, dear reader.

Because, you know, like, sometimes when you say something, you don't even realize it's a thing and you're saying it. Uh-huh, yeah. I listened to a little interview with Tom Perez, right? Head of the Democratic National... Okay, dropping names. Tom's a friend. And he said the word conversation.

I bet he said it 20 times in a four-minute interview. Well, I think we need to have a conversation, and I think that's all part of the conversation. I think if we have a conversation about – and if I were the person interviewing, I would stop and I would have said, you have to stop saying conversations. Well, I mean. But we all do things. He's right. We're not aware that we are doing. And I guess the way to fix that, like, do you listen to yourself on this podcast?

No, I've tried to avoid it for quite some time. And someone is usually talking when I'm talking. Yeah, I can't really hear myself. There's someone else talking. Why? Well, because I don't ever listen to myself. But maybe it would be, maybe I should. And maybe I'd realize.

Were you going to say edifying and then you thought we might not know the word? I wasn't sure if I was using it properly is what happened. But I thought maybe there are things that I say. Because I did an interview and somebody said, you know, you laughed at everything you said. I thought, oh, that's the worst. Never done that. That is the greatest crime. Laugh at our own stuff.

We never, never. It's one of the worst crimes. Yeah. Yeah, no, we're not guilty of that. And it's not something that turns people off about the show. So let's start the show and let's get into, we're going to tell a story. So normally the formula for us has been this. We'll say, we'll be ignoring our guests completely,

which I think puts us on a good, powerful level. And we will be saying a story from the past where we were hanging out with some famous celebrity. We'll take a pause between the first and last name. So we might say, I was in a store with Anna Winter. And then we will continue by saying some crazy activity we were doing with them. And then we will totally run out of steam and say, oh God, I pray that the other person says something now because I had nothing else planned.

And sometimes they will and sometimes they won't. And sometimes it helps, but usually even if they do, it doesn't help. Makes it worse. Do you think that's a good formula for starting your show? I think it's awful. Yeah, it seems. And that's what we've been finding.

And we've done 300 or awful. Yeah. It seems. And that's what we've been finding. I think it's a terrible idea. And we've done 300 or something. Oh. Yeah. You want to see it? No. Okay. All right. We do it over the song, yeah.

Sounds awful. Yeah. It's pretty bad. So how would you change that? I would say I would have you have a theme song, right? And I'd play that for like four seconds tops and I'd say

so let's start the show. And I would just start it. You're saying that to the song. Let's start the show. And then each of you I'd put a little note that said don't talk while the other person's talking. don't be ashamed.

You are us in this case, though. Don't be ashamed of my accomplishments. I'd put that down. Okay. Maybe I'd put your Harvard degree right there on the wall. And your degree from Second City. Whatever they gave you when you graduated, put that on the wall and embrace it. Yeah.

They gave him a tattoo. It's like, have you seen Waterworld? Yeah. That's such a good idea. Have you seen the movie Waterworld? Give somebody a tattoo when they graduate. When they graduate, yeah. I did. I saw Waterworld when it came out. You graduate, yeah. I did.

I saw Waterworld when it came out. It's like that. And similar. Okay, so, all right. So basically your idea for fixing our story formula, as it were, is to completely abandon it and possibly abandon the show. We are under contract to an extent. Also, if you're doing this for a living, you need to prepare for it.

You know what I mean? If you're going to tell a story at your introduction, you might want to work on it a few days in advance and actually act like professionals and put some thought into it and take some pride in it. Yeah. I got a lot going on a few days in advance. The couple days before I do the show are always slammed.

Yeah. I mean, slammed, David. I can't even. I could start going through it, but your head would spin because it's like nutso crazy slammed. So that obviously doesn't work for me also like just like hygiene dental care car maintenance forget it these things just like really pile up yeah there's a rattling sound the pool and i have to say as well um that your advice is underestimating, I think, the value we found in keeping an ironic distance

and when the show does fail, which is often going, we don't even care. Yeah, or we did it on purpose. We weren't even trying. That was on purpose. If I say I've been working on this for a couple days and then I come out with what I would likely come out with, which is of a similar quality to what we do,

that's humiliating for me. Yeah. I see your point. So there's some self-prot me. I see your point. There's some self-protection. I bet it would be like the two people who were supposed to host this show just had a car accident and they asked us to do it.

We're stepping in every week. We've never even worked in the entertainment industry. Here we go. That's interesting. Okay. That could interesting. Okay. That could work for me. Do you think that after a couple of weeks,

people would start to suspect? Let's try that. Let's try that. Let's play the song. Yeah. Hello? Okay. Hello?

So do we start now? We start talking now? Okay. It hasn't been four seconds. Okay. So. Hello? So do we start now? We start talking now? Okay. It hasn't been four seconds. Okay, so... Hello? This is the show, I guess. We're...

Okay, Jesus. Wow. I wish this was happening under better circumstances. Two men have died. In just a horrific crash. We are, of course... do you want to go? Yeah, I mean, I didn't know these people. No.

And so I don't feel equipped to memorialize them. I don't know why I'm doing this now. We can't eulogize them. We have a show to do. It feels wrong not to. No, we should say something about them. Okay. These men who were supposed to host the show,

I'm sure had families. Well, I know it was Lou Diamond Phillips and James Caan. So they had, so yes. So one of them had Scott, their son, famed photographer Scott Kahn. Tweeter from Varsity Blues. Varsity Blues. One of the Oceans 13. Mm-hmm.

One of those, he liked to blow things up. Mm-hmm. And then Lou Diamond Phillips. Ain't on me. Richie Valens. Mm-hmm. So instead we're here obviously we don't have the uh experience that those men have with the entertainment industry we are flying blind a little bit it is last minute uh i hope i'm using this microphone right we have a guest

and just go and you just go yeah would really help us if you would just go. I'm drowning. How did you get booked on this show? Uh-huh. Do you want to talk about Lou? Is that a celebrity to you? Lou Diamond Jones? The star?

The name is. I know the name. Okay. I mean, I don't know the face, really. But it's a celebrity name. James Caan. I can picture him. If I saw him in the hallway, I'd say, that's James Caan.

Do you want to eulogize him? He was in Funny Lady. That sequel to Funny Girl. Yeah. Thank you. That's really powerful. I didn't expect it I'm getting emotional he really was

he really was in Funny Lady it's partially of course the stress of hosting a show that I have no familiarity with but also to hear that he was in Funny Lady can you imagine knowing Barbra Streisand then? And here I go again. Wow.

That's hitting me. I can't. I can't. But he could. Yeah, he didn't even need to. And something's happening for your body. Do you want us to take credit for that? Is that a good host thing to do?

I don't want to whoop a Goldberg in here. I went to dinner last night, and it was like stuffing a musket. I ate so much food. And so, yeah, that's just my stomach growling. I don't feel like I ever need to eat again. We often think of ourselves as weaponry, as guns, that our words are bullets that we can use to attack unfairness in the world. I'm a 3D-printed machine gun.

And I'm a trebuchet. It was my stomach again. I'm a mighty trebuchet, and I can only fire once every couple of minutes, but it's one big bomb I let off, a big rock. And you're a blunderbuss? Is that what you were saying? What kind of gun are you? Oh, yeah, a musket.

What kind of gun are you? Very precise. Engineer Brett. I'm a thermonuclear warhead. Wow. Oh, yeah, musket. What kind of gun are you? Very precise. Engineer Brett. I'm a thermonuclear warhead. Wow. Speak on that. Speak on that.

It's the biggest possible explosion. It can take out half the Earth. You know, in a blink of an eye, you win. Okay was a contest and i guess brent won hollywood handbook well there's a reason they call me the march maniac i get maniacal around this time of year because march mania is happening in draft king sportsbook one of america's top rated sportsbook apps is giving new customers and maniacs like me a shot to turn five bucks into $150 instantly in bonus bets with any college basketball bet. Those maniac I get a little maniacal. And let me tell you something. The best bet that I'm seeing on the board is one that will already have happened by the time you hear this ad.

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slash b ball for eligibility and deposit restrictions terms and responsible gaming resources life can be ridiculous but you know what's not funny getting ripped off and harry's agrees so what we want to talk about today with sorry you said harry's or harry i said harry's we always talk about harry's first and then we talk about you clean harry uh who are sort of our new noted mask i don't know note taken for this campaign talk about harry's first what we want to talk about is something funny that happened to you recently great a ridiculous or fun situation that you were in okay recently that's the prompt and that'll take us into discussing the product particularly the product funny to me

or funny to just anyone i i mean do you you feel like there's a difference there like you yeah i mean i've had things happen to me that i suppose you would find funny okay but that you didn't find funny and and you have no not really and you have things that have happened that you would find funny but the rest of the world would not yeah i guess i'm interested in that one that i would find funny yes but that others would not find funny you seem to think that you have like a specific taste when it comes to what's funny or ridiculous that is not i ordered uh um like a scented spray for my pillow to help me sleep at night like a lavender scent okay and uh they accidentally sent me two okay so you understand that most people would not buy that funny or ridiculous but but you but you do i just had a little chuckle about the mix up at the at the shipping uh

warehouse harry saw customers getting screwed over by questionable that's a come up overpriced shaving product harry on the come up i decided to do something better instead of charging the same stupid high prices harry's found their own way to double scent bottle beautifully designed razors for a fraction of the price of other big brands except bogo baby exceptional products honest prices i don't is there a bogo as part of this because i don't want to be like talking about no but that's what happened that are no but i clean harry punk harry's two bottles buy one get one their deodorant their lotion their body their hair gel, all very high quality products. They all smell great. German engineer blades made in their own factory.

They stay sharp longer. You get a five blade razor, weighted handle, foaming shave gel, and a travel cover for just three bucks at harrys.com slash the boys. Highest customer satisfaction in the shaving industry no risk trial don't like your shave no worries it's on them getting ripped off isn't funny do you want to hear what happened to me that you might find yes yes sure but that you didn't yeah so you're attuned to to this stuff i got my foot stuck in the dryer at the laundromat and it somehow turned on.

And you know that that was something other people would find funny based on the responses you were getting. A lot of people inside that laundromat seemed to find it pretty humorous when my leg started spinning around and flipping me over. What happened was I was holding my laundry basket with both hands and i saw oh still a sock left in the dryer so i stuck my foot and tried to pick it up with my little toesies i wear sandals punk and as i'm picking it up i just sort of tripped and my foot got wedged in between there's like slats in there and stuck inside there and then i don't know who somebody pushed the button or what

but it turned on and the thing starts flipping over and i'm flying in circles help punk help me you punks are your clothes staying in the basket are you going fast no no no i'm wearing all of them by the end of the cycle get started with a 13 trial set for just three dollars at harry's.com slash the boys that's harry's.com slash the boys for a three dollar trial set um that feels good it feels like the standard like Like the bar for doing that kind of show Where we are replacing two dead men Yeah, and the people can change Oh, sure

Where it's like, we got pulled into this again Or do we ever reference that we've done it before? No, I think every time It's a fresh start Because no one will be coming back from the last one That's true So, every time the audience is new, what are they going to listen to the show

again? Does that work for you, Kevin? Don't just give a thumbs up, Kevin. Hey guys, Chef Kevin here. That's great. Thanks. Hey, do you want to hear any clips from my master class? That could be good for David. I'd love to. Brett, you were there for it I was there

is there anything you want to hear in particular did you listen to the two clips that Kevin sent us this morning and how did I know that you would did not listen well Kevin what do you think let's play one clip and then David can give just a couple of

and then he can do the master's class on the master class can I play a different clip please just a couple of... Then he can do the master's class on the master class. Can I play a different clip? Please. Hollywood Handbook. Did Kevin pick these clips? Can I say something about writer's block? Does writer's block exist?

Sure. Sure. Of course it does. But I don't believe in writer's block. And I don't think that it does exist. And somebody tells me I have writer's block, I say, no such thing. Is it a real thing? Yeah, of course.

Yes, yes. Of course. But do I believe in it? But do I believe in writer's block? No. And that's how you beat it, is you don't believe in it. Mm-hmm. And so, like, bye-bye, man.

Hollywood Handbook. Wow, that's near master class. Yeah. So I also was talking about writing. And really decisively. Yes. Well, what's your feeling on that? Do you tackle writer's block at all?

Yeah. Or are you terrified of it? I'll tell you the truth. The way you can tell that someone's not a real writer is that they ask you about writer's block. No real writer ever asks you about writer's block. No real writer ever asks somebody about writer's block. It's only people

who aren't that talk about it. You know, when there's a Q&A, like, you know, people always say, like, what are you doing about writer's block?

Then, because I don't know anybody. You say, when they say that, you say, pack your shit. Pack the fuck up and get the fuck out. That's what you kind of want to say.

I introduce you to the door. You go, hey, bud, me versus the blank page. Call it. But again, I like how. You can call that fight. And in your master class, how you kind of repeat that to really drive the point in. We repeated a lot. I mean, that was one of our that to really drive the point in. We repeated a lot. I mean, that was one of our tricks to kind of, we had a time requirement for how long the episodes had to be.

I assume that's true for your master class as well. In order to secure the financial compensation, you had to fill a certain amount of time. But it didn't feel like that. It just felt like, did you ever read Alan Carr's, I think, The Easy Way to Quit Smoking? Easy Way, I did. And he kind of repeats stuff over and over again and kind of almost hypnotizes you by repeating things over and over again, even though you're reading a book and you're not talking to anybody. And that's what you do in your master class.

And that's what I did at mine, yeah, is we repeated it so much that ultimately you did, and you walked away going. What master, I walked away thinking, whoa, what writer's block? Yeah, exactly. Yeah. No, thank you so much. You honor me. Kevin, do you want to play one more clip? Hollywood handbook.

This guy at gym may be over here. Just as an overall note, misshmm Miss me with the bullshit today Okay? I'm eating during this You can just miss me with all the bullshit, man Just for today Yeah When we go into the script

Yeah Which we're gonna get to With the bullshit Miss me with that Please Hollywood Handbook So that's the repetitive trick

that you huh yep picked up on before what did you eat during your and you know what that says to me

uh bullshit no thank you yeah and that was exactly no bullshit pack your shit get out

and please don't let it hit you where the good lord split you be gone bullshit and please go away yeah Please don't let it hit you where the good Lord split you. Be gone, bullshit. And please go away. Yeah.

So what did you tend to eat during your classes? Hey. What did I eat? That's another word for poop. And for leaving. Tacos. I ate a lot of tacos during that. Okay.

Uh-huh. See, now I did notice that. I told you. I ate a lot of tacos during that. Okay. Uh-huh. See, now I did notice that. I told you, I watched. I did pick up on it. And then I said to them, because a lot of stuff was spilling on me. Hard tacos? Yeah, they were hard tacos. And I said, what can we do about this?

And you know what they did? They brought me taquitos. They brought me soft taquitos. Bite-sized taquitos. Yeah, and I noticed you did at first attempt to smoke them. No, because I quit smoking. And so I just ate the soft-shelled taquitos. And, Hayes, would you like to apologize for lying?

Okay. Because I've actually quit smoking too, and I did read The Easy Way. And what they did in that book that I think is sort of what I've done in my master class as well is a lot of smoking books say, hey, here's why smoking's bad.

Easy Way goes, here's why you think smoking's good, and I'm going to take it away. Yeah. Here's what you think you like, and I'll take it away. So some people say, here's how you think smoking's good, and I'm going to take it away. Yeah. Here's what you think you like, and I'll take it away. So some people say, here's how you write. I go, here's how you think you don't write. Wow.

And now that's gone. Wow. Mm-hmm. Wow. You moved to Tokyo to quit smoking. Here's why you don't think you write. Because you said, here's why you think you don't write. Here's why you don't think you don't write.

Right. I got to wrap it up. I i gotta wrap it up signal and the time is yes winding down and that's why you bring someone that's why you bring someone to to be a guest we have so many people who just come along and it just goes on forever it's bad for everybody. So, okay. So, thank you so much. We've loved having you. Any parting thoughts? You fixed the show. Of course, we are now going to pretend that we are fill-in hosts. Anything else you want to say about your experience here or that the listeners should take away with them?

Well, you know what I would say to the listeners? I would say there are a lot of podcasts out there. That's what I would say to the listeners? I would say there are a lot of podcasts out there. That's what I would say to the listeners. Yeah. And a lot of other things you could listen to, a whole world out there to be learned. So don't stick to any one thing. Yeah. The plug would probably have been.

Explore. That's what I would say to them. Plug would be a better use of that time, I think. It's like plugging something up your road. But, uh. Well, it's done is done. Yeah, it's over now. We obviously, we do not edit the show.

So thank you so much, David. Thank you. Bye. Bye. Hollywood Handbook. That was a HeadGum Podcast.