Hollywood Handbook - DC Pierson, Our Saturday Night Friend

Episode Date: October 10, 2017

Sean and Hayes welcome DC PIERSON into the studio to share characters from their SNL audition tapes. This episode is sponsored by the Second City Training Center, Casper Mattresses (code: HANDBOOK), and ZipRecruiter.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. And we're doing that project where we – Project X? Yeah. It was kind of like a Project X. It was that sort of dangerous. That party was insane. I know. It was as insane as the Project X party.

And what we're doing is we're going up on the ladders to the – we were in the pair section and putting stickers on the pairs that say like poison GMOs and stuff. So it was like an art statement sort of about like, well, this is actually what these are. An art statement and you get first pick of all the pairs. Oh, we're taking the good ones. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes. And so the nasty ones with worms are, we're saying these have poison GMOs.

And we are, I'm going so fast that I don't even have to go up and down the ladder. I can just kind of walk the ladder from tree to tree. But then who shows up? A farmer, of course. And so the farmer is there and he's like, hey, stop doing this. And I was like, hey, do you actually even know – Oh, but he doesn't say it like that, does he? Do his voice.

Okay. He's like, hey, guys, what are you doing up in the trees? Stop doing that. This is farmers. Yes, these farmers. They all sound like that. And I'm like, well, do you actually even know what these are, like what these GMOs, like what the deal is? And he was like, no, I'm actually really ignorant about this.

He wasn't saying it like that, but like how he was talking, like that's what was coming across. I don't know what this stuff is, and this is is actually my job and I haven't educated myself on it. So I'm like, well, GMOs are these gene manipulation objects where they come with this genome that will infect your personal genome. They send a scout genome to lay

eggs in your genetic code. And they can manipulate your genes and turn parts of you into pairs. Well, and we see these pair people walking around. I mean turn parts of you into pairs. Well, and we see these pair people walking around. I mean, some of these Kardashians. You know what I mean? And I'm not trashing them.

But there's, I mean, they're obviously sharing some genetic material with a pair. Because if you look at just the top versus how the sort of bottom part of them comes out. Yeah. I mean, and there's a main one of them that I'm thinking of, that it's pretty stark, the contrast. Yeah. And it does remind one, you know,

of this particular fruit. Yeah. And you watch the show and there's fruit. Basically every scene they're eating a pear. Let me finish. A peach. Uh-huh. But if you look at the whole picture, a pear.

Yeah. So go ahead. Yeah, they're eating pears every scene. They're eating pears and peaches in every scene. Yeah. And it's laying eggs in them and it's turning them into the fruit. And Kanye's coming in like, hey, I got more pears. Yeah.

And they're like, oh, thanks, Kanye. I think he's into that stuff. And then he leaves. And then I'm going, is he working for the pears? You know? Because it's not totally clear where his alignments are. I'm just saying. Please don't grab this clip out of context and and post it on every blog

there's this big conspiracy now oh sean and hayes say kanye works for the pears okay that's not what we're saying we're saying we don't know we're noticing some things we're saying we don't know we're noticing some things that make it worth asking the question and it would be crazy to say that we know in the same way that it's crazy for you to say that you don't know. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah. No.

For you to go, hey, I know. And God is like that too, actually. Certainty is the real enemy here. Okay? That is what burns my hot cross buns. Oh, you were there. You know exactly what happened because you were there. You saw the whole thing. Yeah. And you know all the information. Oh, you were there. You know exactly what happened because you were there. You saw the whole thing.

Yeah. And you know all the information. I don't think so. You saw him have a meeting with a pear or in the case of God, you saw him create the oceans through his tears.

It's like, no, you didn't see that. So I think that probably what happened is he stubbed his toe, started crying so hard that it made the oceans and you think

whatever you think and neither one of us knows. And no way to say the way you think the oceans. And you think whatever you think. And neither one of us knows. And no one will say the way you think is wrong. And I'm not saying I'm totally right. I'm saying this actually makes the most sense if you look at any book. But forget it. Hi, welcome to Hollywood Handbook Insider's Guide to the Kicking Butt and Dropping Names in the Red Carpet Line.

Back always in the industry we call showbiz. And we burned the orchard. And he was agreed to after that because he saw that he had been wrong. And did you see anyone just like watching from behind a tree being like, oh no. When we were

burning the orchard. When you set it on fire. Yeah, there were a bunch of people. Almost every tree had someone behind it saying like oh no. This is really bad for us. This is the opposite. Yeah, well, it makes you think. We're not saying anything. Please don't put this on these blogs.

Sean said this. I can't. But if you put it, you have to put this other stuff, too. Okay, if you want to put it, put the whole thing. And link to the show. Yes, and review it. And review it on want to put it, put the whole thing. Put the whole show on. And link to the show. Yes. And review it. And review it on iTunes. Five stars, please.

And subscribe. Okay. So we're here. We got a guest. It's a show. We're doing a podcast. It's DC Pearson's in the studio with us. Hey, guys.

How's it going? And it's fun to have DC. We haven't had him in a little while. Yes. Hayes literally said this to me. We haven't had them in a little while. Hayes literally said this to me. We haven't had DC in a while. I know. Can you, like...

Yeah, I'm sort of the... I honestly said that. I'm sort of the, like, Indian food of guests where, like, you don't have me in a while, but when you think of me, you're like, oh, fuck, that would crush right now. I could actually go for that. How do we not do that more? Yeah, exactly. Yeah.

I really did say that. He really did say that. And then that Indian food thing really has happened to me. Really? That is kind of what I try to really be relatable because I feel like it's so easy to get so niche with stuff and we're just in our bubble and we're just, you know. But I really try to put it out there, things that people can, you know, really relate to. Indian food. Well, the coast. Indian food is something that everyone only has very infrequently. You even look at India. How often are they really getting Indian food?

Every once in a while they say like, oh, I should actually go for some Indian food. How often am I eating American food here in America? It doesn't happen that much. When it's right there, you don't always deal with it. That's what's nice about globalization and the world and how much smaller it's gotten. That we don't have to just eat like, oh, cheeseburgers again? No, we can actually eat like Chinese cheeseburgers. We can eat turkey burgers or Chinese cheeseburgers.

Yeah, Chinese burgers. Chickadee China. The Chinese burger. So I love that you brought up how relatable you are and how you're not part of this echo chamber that can be the coast. Right. Is anybody else sick of the coast? Thank you.

These coastal elites telling us how to live our lives. Yes, yes. And this is why I so enjoy talking to DC, who's from like Arizona, New Mexico, whatever. Who knows? Who cares? Yes. Four Corners area. Again, I was born in Arizona, but I feel like I like to keep it a little broader than that

because it's all very similar. It's the Four Corners. It's that combination of going like, oh, I'm going to appeal to all four a little broader than that because it's all very similar. It's the four corners. It's that combination of going like, oh, I'm going to appeal to all four of these different markets that are at this corner. It's like a quadrant. It really prepared me for appealing to four quadrants. And you bring so much of that to the coast

in a way when I just ever need a break from the coast, I can talk to DC and hear about the spirit of Kokopelli and the turquoise stone and some of the natives. Well, and the vortex is the Red Rocks of Sedona and just sort of some of those sacred rock formations that we don't always think about when we're just looking at the ocean. Yeah. And you explained to me the Georgia O'Keeffe and the horniness of those paintings in a way that I had not seen before. Yeah, a lot of people look at those and in a way that I had not seen before. Yeah.

A lot of people look at those and they go, oh, what a nice flower. And what I was the one to realize was hold the phone. Yeah. Where have I seen this before? Mm hmm. You know? Yeah. And it was on my phone.

I said, this looks like... On my phone. I said, this looks like one of my apps. Yeah, hold the phone. I've seen this on my phone. And then you take out your phone. I said, hold my phone. I don't need it anymore. This painting will do for me now. Yeah.

And it is horny. And we wanted to talk about SNL. And we are doing SNL now, and they have these new guys. SNL's getting done on the weekends, and they've got new guys, and let's face it, the show is struggling. Yeah. They don't know what they're doing. They brought in Katie and Mark and Alex. These new actors. And I hear that

it has started and so they're like, oh, we're done. But I actually hear that sometimes they are looking around and they're saying we're actually not done. And so they actually might cast more people. And Denny and Janine are writing over there too now. And as I'm looking at that, I'm going, they're not getting that much stuff on. And Denny and Janine are writing over there too now and as I'm looking at that I'm going they're not

getting that much stuff on. And I think that they pretend that they're done. Which is a shame because Denny and Janine are so, when you get them together, like one on their own is like okay that's great, that's like a really funny sketch but when you get them together and that ping pong match starts to happen

Well the whole is greater than the something with parts. And I think that... Sorry. Bosh is huge on Denny and Janine. Anyway, the whole is greater than the something with parts. And they have this great way that they compliment each other. And they are so funny, but DC, are they right for that show? That's my thing. I know they right for, but DC, are they right for that show? That's my thing.

I know they right for that show, but are they right for that show? It's like, are you Mr. Right or are you Mr. Right now? Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. It's a little easier looking for Mr. Good Body than Mr. Good Bar. So, because they, yeah, their specialty are these fake commercials and these like political sketches. Right, right. And someone where like a politician gives a speech at the beginning of the show, but Because, yeah, their specialty are these fake commercials and these political sketches.

And someone where a politician gives a speech at the beginning of the show. But is it really for SNL that they should be doing these politicians who give these speeches? I don't know. And so at this point, I'm actually wondering, hey, wait a minute. Should they keep looking for people? And should they actually hire us? And should we all do our character reel? Yes. And so people have been saying, oh, sorry that you didn't get it this year because you

were really saying that you would and like that your reel was so good this year. And it's like, well, first of all, I think they are still going to hire more people. So it's actually not over yet. And second of all, I don't really, I'm not even mostly a performer. Like, so it's not even my, you know, I write and sing. I'm kind of funny by accident. Not that kind of performer. I'm kind of funny by accident. Not that kind of person. I'm kind of funny by accident.

Yeah. Like, I am not trying to do jokes necessarily, but a lot of people crack up at a lot of my shit where I'm just being myself. Yeah, you're one of those people where you're not so much, you're not trying to be funny, but you're the type of person who I want to make a tweet where it's like, I'm actually hanging out with you. And then I, like, quote what you, like, just said out with you. And then I like quote what you like just said, IRL. Yes. Where I'll have a thing like. But I get some funny stuff in the quote dialogue too. Oh, yeah.

I get a few licks in there. I get some in there, yeah, for sure. I get a few bites of the apple, like definitely. But it's clear that Sean is like the real superstar and that me by extension. I mean, it's clear I can keep up. Yes. From what I said you said in the dialogue. Well, and you are someone who is more aware of kind of the structures of comedy and that stuff

where like, I'm funny in my bones. I've got funny DNA. I'm just set to this frequency that's just a little bit off. And me just living my life being myself is cracking people up. And then you're somebody who can recognize and go like, hey, that's really funny. Let me write that down, what he said. And then I'll write something I didn't necessarily say but could have said that would be funny to respond with. Right. Whereas me, I'm studying the math of it, basically, the formulas and the algorithms.

It's not any kind of natural thing, but it is something that can be learned. Well, yeah, we'll often be hanging out, and Hayes will kind of be like, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Like if we're at a bar and he'll run over to the window and just start scrawling the algorithm of the funny shit that we're throwing down. Yeah. Like out on like a social network sort of a thing where he's writing the Facebook algorithm on his dorm window. And we'll be like, hey, Hayes, why did you know to bring a pen that will write visibly on glass?

A normal Sharpie wouldn't do that. Yeah. And so that's like when I'm hanging out with you guys who are these kind of natural, like, funny men, I, like, can transpose that into these sort of mathematical situations with my special pen. Yeah. And a lot of that is from your Second City training. I mean, that's not to be lost. Yes, that's what they teach, yes. And I hope we're doing an ad for them today in addition to this one that we're doing right now.

They will often leave at the Second City Training Center. I've heard that they will often leave an unfinished joke on the board in the hopes that someone will come in and finish it. To lure, yes. In the hopes that someone will come in and finish it. To lure, yes. And like the hardest joke, the one joke that no one has been able to solve. That took years to solve. And I've heard that lately someone has been solving them,

and then a professor from Second City has been walking up and going, Who did this? Who won the WC Fields medal? And he's been going, Emmett, was it you? And Emmett's going, don't look at me. You know? A lot of times comedians will posit setups that won't necessarily be completed for years. Like that's part of what you have to know about comedy is this isn't like just about going out there on Friday night and getting a laugh.

This is about thinking years in advance. You might not live to see the punchlines to the funniest setups you might throw out there. Well, Take My Wife was on a board for years. I mean, before Henny Youngman actually came in and then, you know, wrote the – like, started writing all these crazy shapes. And then it was like, oh, please. And that became sort of a legendary one of these jokes. And so they do put setups on a board and go, we know there is a joke here, but people are yet to solve it.

Can you think of any setups that you've seen that maybe we could sort of throw out there to our audience and see if any geniuses can tweet the solution to us? If anyone can solve these setups? Yeah. See, now with alt comedy, the setups are just like you're sort of acting like a normal guy. Ah. You know? So it's tough to even, like it's like everything is basically a setup now.

And it's like how does this pay off? It might not have to. Right. And maybe sometimes that is the solution. Maybe it's just you how does this pay off? It might not have to. Right. And maybe sometimes that is the solution. Maybe it's just you're up on stage with your notebook. Yes.

Which I don't like that. I know that, I think we're all on the same page about this. We're all kind of some old school New York dogs, you know?

Yes. And we just, it's about really going up there and like being a killer. Yes. I'll take a beer. Just like one beer on stage. And when I see one of these,

one of these, you know, alt comics stumble up there in their little sweater with their little notebook. Oh, yeah, and it's so cool, right? That it's like, hey, this isn't quite finished. I'm going to show you that I'm unprepared. It's like, hey, these people paid for a fucking show. Why don't you get up there, own the space, and perform your shit?

And they'll be like, oh, what is this? And they'll be like, oh, not that. I'm not going to do that as they're going through the list. And it's like, do you know? Why tell us about it? Stand up there. Go like, hey, guys, I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that.

Hey, good to see you. Where are you from tonight? No, that. I don't have an ending for it yet. All right, this. And then do your joke. Just don't look at something. Don't look at the notebook.

Yeah. Now, Cody, you remember you're supposed to be saying, yup, yup. What? Oh, here we go. When you hear something that you affirm that you think is cool, you go, yup, yup. You want me to?

No, just when you think something is cool. When you're being ready. Not now. Something cool might happen. This is not cool. What's happening now is you're being in trouble. Yep, yep. These comics are fucking notebooks, man.

No, Cody, trouble. Wait, I'm sorry. Trouble is not cool. This is not a situation for you to be excited and affirm what's going on. This is bad. Oh. Okay. I think I get it.

I'm working on it. So we should do the reels. What is that? Are you talking to me? No, I'm no think I get it. I'm working on it. So we should do the reels. What is that? Are you talking to me? No, I'm no longer talking to you. And I'm just going to throw out, and if you have a solution for this, but this is a sort of setup that we've all been dealing with for a while, and it's what's the deal with paper towels?

Because the answer is pretty clear, which is they're incredibly useful for so many things. And there's nothing really that's confusing about them. They're packaged in kind of a way that really makes sense. Can we subvert this somehow? Yeah. But they've also been moving forward as a technology. Yes.

Just in the past couple years we've seen Select-A-Size come out. That was like how did we not have that before? So anytime you were just about to say like what's the deal with these paper towels? They're too big. Oh, well, now you can't do that anymore. Now there's a smaller one, yeah. Because they're ahead of the joke scenario. Yeah, and they just put the perforation in a different place.

It was really smart. Yeah. And they're really absorbent and just a great all-around useful kitchen tool. Yeah, I guess. But it's almost like the lack of an obvious take that makes us know, like, there's got to be a take there. That's why it's on the board. If it was clear what the take was or what the deal was with something,

then I think that you wouldn't have it on the board. We'd all just be out on stage, no notebook, drilling the audience, punishing them with fucking line after line of funniness and funny take. Comedy should be aggressive and exhausting. I'm a killer. I am a killer out there. I am a trained fucking assassin coming for your laughs man i'm

wearing your laughs on a fucking chain around my neck i'm loaded for bear laughs wise and i am scalp ya and fuck your dead body with my comedy dick. And I'm gonna get hurt too. Oh god. I'm gonna be shot. Oh yeah. No. Cause Hayes is waiting

to go on stage next but he can't follow this. But some of the bits that we chop up in the green room though Oh when we just get down and chop it up with the

other comics who are like just as twisted as we are and you have to be able to hang and it's tough because we're we're saying we're each wearing really big leather jackets yes uh and we're being mean about each other's leather jacket even though we are we are wearing one as well. Well, we're such connoisseurs of the leather jacket game that we can spot, like, you know, we really know it inside and out. We know all the conventions, the flaps, the pockets, the zippers. They've got to be looking right. A little bit of fur line on it. Okay, DC's got the fur line leather jacket.

All right, I got a joke for that. And I just drill him with it. I'm a monster out there, man. I'm a fucking sociopath. I'm committing comedy genocide. No one's spared. Man, when I get on stage, I got one goal. Seek and destroy.

Destroy. But you also do characters. Oh, yeah. Well, I think one thing that's kind of important to look at in terms of when we're preparing for SNL, or really when SNL is just preparing to go forward, is like the news moves so fast these days. Yeah. You know, it's like, oh, you know, Sean Spicer, Reince Priebus,

Anthony Scaramucci. Yeah, you have to know. These were all we could think about. It felt like these guys would never go away. Like, this is the new normal. And then now you turn around and they're like... And the new normal's off the air.

You literally turn around and the new normal is off the air. Which I can't believe. So I think it's like anything could be fair game. It's not just like, oh, who's currently in the political sphere because I don't know if you guys know about this. Our president of the United States of America used to host a reality game show. Yeah. Talk about a freaking sketch. Well, I will say yes, but this is another one of those uncrackable premises of like,

what do you do with that? Yeah, I know that's like true information. It's not like an angle. It's just a fact. It's like true information. It's not like an angle. It's just a fact. I guess tweet at us if you have a way to kind of apply comedy to that idea. Yeah.

Because to me, yeah, those facts are just kind of laid out there on the table. I don't know if there's like a specific from the reality game show, like a thing that he would say. Yeah. In that context that in any way applies to his current scenario where there's a lot of turnover in his cabinet. Yeah. I don't know if it's like, we'll be right back or something or, you know. Oh, yeah.

Stay tuned or thanks for coming in, everybody. But if he were, if he hosts the Wheel of Fortune and he said spin the wheel, then that would be, that would work. Right. Because it's like, oh, spin the wheel, now we get another one of these guys. Yeah. That is not a showdown with North Korea. Yeah, this guy's like spinning the wheel.

But he never did it. No, he didn't do that. There's a lot of stuff he didn't host that I have a really clean angle on. And we don't – this is why we need your guys' help is because we are not – we never watched that show and we are not going to go back and watch it now because it is a reality show. And I don't know if you know this, but those things – Yeah. So please do get at us, but go ahead. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And reality shows are fake. Oh, it's right there in the title. We don't fuck with the fake. We hate fake. Anytime somebody's saying reality to you, you know, hey, they're hiding something. I just want to be real and be with other people who are vocally anti-fakeness. Here are the things that have reality in the title. Reality shows and virtual reality.

The two fakest things there is. Yeah, neither one of those is anything that's real, and it's liars. And I hate fakeness. And it's something that I never allow into my life. Circle. In my circle? Yes. My circle is tight as shit.

Yes, my circle is straight up, and there's no fakeness allowed. There's one rule. No phonies. Yes, my circle is straight up and there's no fakeness allowed. There's one rule. No phonies. Yes. How many yup-yup situations have we just laid up for you, Cody? I mean, all this should be is just a continuous string of yup-yups. Not now. I can tell you're thinking of doing it

now, but everything we've been saying. And then I feel like there should be a... Something is cool. You specifically. I mean, this is like targeted at you. And if there's something that is like the opposite of a yup-yup where we're going off on something that we don't like and you want to decry that thing, I feel like in that case you should say yup-yup, which is I think a thing that Ewoks say. I was curious. And tell me, I'm just going to run this by you. What about if we're doing something like that and Cody goes, oh, hell no.

Well, that's, yes. So that's in a situation that's not a yup-yup situation when you feel like, you know, it's like gone a little too far for you, then you could say something like that. So I feel like we've really given you the tools. There's nothing that we should say that you shouldn't be responding to in one way or the other, either a strong agree or a strong disagree, because we know what makes good radio, and that's having strong opinions one way or the other, either a strong agree or a strong disagree, because we know what makes good radio and that's having strong opinions one way or the other.

We're not just going to come out here and be ambivalent about something. So you should really be punctuating just about everything we'd say with either a yup, yup or a hell no. During a setup, when we are still being neutral, you could go, hmm, that could work. But basically it's like when Hayes goes man no fake people allowed i hate fake people you gotta go yup yup and then when and when dc goes uh yeah well we're not gonna go back and watch a reality show you go oh hell no but fakeness and realness for you is such a rich area because you are the one person that i see you and i'm kind of like oh maybe like a little fakeness and realness for you is such a rich area because you are the one person that I see you and I'm kind of like, oh, maybe like a little fakeness would be like good.

Maybe like the harsh reality of you just like all at once. Or maybe we could like parcel out the reality like in a way that's like a little easier to take down. You don't have to think of it as being fake, but if you could just contain a little bit of what you're actually like and just kind of keep it behind the curtain for a few minutes when you first meet people, I think it would go a long way. And then you say, yep, yep. I think you're giving me a lot of options here, and I like that. Yeah, you're not doing any of them. Are we having a bad meeting with you right now?

Are we pitching you on something and you're not into it? And so you're saying you're giving me a lot of options, and I like that you're searching for something positive to say? He likes a nice big sandbox to play at. He likes a wide range of decisions he can make at any given time. So I need a long landing strip. I need a lot of breakfast, a lot of dinner, and none of the in-betweens. And then just so people know, when he said landing strip,

he kind of pulled up his shirt and showed that he had shaved his pubic hair. It goes above his belly button. It crosses his belly button and goes all the way up. And it sounded like a lost verse to The Gambler, what you just said. Like a long landing strip, a lot of breakfast, a lot of dinner, no in-betweens. I'm a joker. I'm a smoker. Yeah.

I'm a midnight toker. Yep, yep. And Wendell Fulton. So let's get into these character reels now that we have finally sort of coached Cody into a reasonable place. Who wants to go first and just really wallop Lorne with? I'd say we could probably just do one or two lines of each character. And that'll really make it clear what our comedic point of view is. I could go.

Okay. I'll start in the middle of mine. That's good. In media res. Yes. This is Giuseppe the Italian Sushi Chef. Hey, hot sushi, Toss in the sushi fish! Just two lines, you said, right?

Mm-hmm. What is this, Cody? What the fuck? So inappropriate. Cody? Oh, hell no. Oh, hell no. What is that?

I guess it's so we know he's talking. Oh, so every time you're going to talk, it's going to be with that echo? Yup, yup. Okay, that's good. I think that's actually smart, yeah. Okay, so that sushi chef was pretty good, so Hayes is probably going to get on the show. You want to circle back around for your impression?

Hayes, I might start brainstorming for what you will do in the opening, like when the camera finds you in the opening. I'm tossing a big fish like it's pizza dough. You're doing what? You're doing your character in the opening credits? Yes. Oh, wow.

No, this is the only character I will do on the show. So no impressions at all. And they have all these pizza guys, so this is what this is the only character I will do on the show. So no impressions at all. And they have all these pizza guys. So this is what this is going off of. Well, this is an impression though, right? What? Yeah.

This is an impression of a real guy. Yes. So I watch the show and they often have these pizza guys in the main thing. And I'm like, this is not funny. I'm not, like, what is, like, this is just like normal pizza. What if he was a sushi chef? Are you thinking, is that a commercial? Sushi is supposed to be cold.

Yeah, well, if I do a big commercial, it's going to be a commercial for this guy. Right. Not his restaurant. And I think that's smart because with what's going on in the White House, Giuseppe, the sushi chef, could rise to a position of power pretty quickly. Yeah, there's a lot of stuff you could do. There's a lot of turnover. What if he was Sean Spicer?

Right. You know? Mm-hmm. Okay, well, I guess I'll do my sushi chef character as long as we're on the subject. Sure. So here we go. Is Luigi the sushi chef? It's Luigi the Sushi Chef.

Marron. The fish. That needs more sauce. Yeah, that's great. Now, will that do my character in the same sketch as yours, obviously? I don't think that would make sense at all. That would be crazy. Well, we got a whole show to fill. But they kind of feed off each other from sketch to sketch.

And they can be looking for each other. I think it would be better for them to have more through lines. And so I think that's setting them up in a good way. I will just go, I'll just hop in really quick. And I feel like, and this must be probably how they think about ordering the sketches on the show. You don't want to have two things back to back that are like too similar. Yeah. So I'll just jump in with my character,

Paolo, the sushi chef. Great. Dominus sanctus sushi tuna. Yeah. Because a lot of Italian people are Roman Catholic priests. Yes. And this is fair game. I don't like it.

I think it shouldn't just be these Italian guys that are fair game at this point. But look, this is all that's left on the table. I would love to be doing more kinds of guys. One by one, you took all our options off the table, and we're just going to dig in on what's left, which is we are allowed to go after these Italian guys. Circular firing squad around the Italian guys.

As a comedy murderer, as a comedy serial killer, I've got to be going after somebody. You know, comedy, when it's safe, that's not funny. Yeah. It's got to feel edgy. It's got to feel dangerous, but not in a way that can get me in trouble. Indian sushi chef? I'd love to. Oh, that'd be so funny of that.

And imagine the accent. But it's a trap when they ask you to do that. You can't do that. You can't do that. No. Really, anything else? I guess I could do millennial sushi chef. Hang on.

Hashtag hand roll. That's good. It's so over it. Yeah. Oh, yeah. He hates that he's there. He'd rather be tweeting. Right.

He's an SJW, too. I'm just going to keep it rolling real quick with, again, to kind of counter-program that, this is Josh, the millennial sushi chef. Can I get a freaking trophy for this tuna roll that I made? Sorry, I forgot to name my sushi chef. His name is Caden. I mean, that's what some of these names are like. So many names are like that.

Did you guys check out that New York Times column that I forwarded you about millennials? Yes. Yeah, did I ever. About how they're nice but mean, and they don't buy stuff, but they buy all this stuff on their phones. Yes.

Only on their phones. Yep. Only on their phones. Yep. What else was in there? They don't know what a house is. Yes. Many of them, like a full, like a hundred of them were shown a picture of a house. And a lot, most of them, a majority of them didn't know. A plurality of them did not know what it was.

Yes, a plurality because a lot of them said, oh, that's Clash Royale, a game I play on my phone. A non-insignificant amount of them thought that the house was the phone game. Millennials think everything is Clash Royale. They do, and it can be frustrating. They're trying to buy weapons at the grocery store for the orcs or whatever. This is a grocery store. This is not Clash Royale.

Is that the one with the little skeletons? Yeah. I just know because my nephew, he sort of is the guy that I look to to keep me in touch with all this stuff. And any new project I have, I run by him. And if he gives it a thumbs up on his iPhone, he doesn't text anymore. He just, it's all the reactions. Hayes, do you have a sushi chef for us? Yes. I have a sushi chef that's kind of counter-programming on that,

which is Ben, the 39-year-old sushi chef. So I can actually afford to eat the sushi that I make because I actually have a job that's not blogging. So Ben

is sort of looking at all these... Ben's 39, so he's kind of looking at all these millennials out there and be like, how about we actually get a real job that's not just blogging all day long? Right, yeah, and the job is sushi chef. Yes. That's cool. That's Ben, and he has an actual real name. Yeah, so it is safe to go after them. Yeah, not like fucking Josh or Caden.

So, yeah, millennials, Italians. Millennials and Italians. I guess keeping in the sort of millennial vein, which is still safe, one of the only things I'm allowed to say. I do have Brad the Normcore Sushi Chef. Okay. Well, I put the fish in between some rice and wrapped seaweed around it. Wow, he has a real attitude about it.

He's doing it as like a joke or like... I don't know. I don't really... I he like likes it okay but he wants to be like imagine if i liked it yeah that's cool because i feel like people are tired of tuning into snl and feel like okay uh these people seem to have a take on this that is the most frustrating. It's like, guys, I'm exhausted. It's almost 1 in the morning. I'm watching a live television show. Please.

Just enough with the tapes. Please. Just give me the facts. I feel like I'm that Dragnet fella. Just the facts, man. And do all the music at the end and have it be like nice, relaxing music, please. Yeah, like soothing affirmations. It is so late. Maybe they say affirmations.

Where's G.E. Smith? Yes. Yes. Where did he go? That guy knew how to friggin' play a lullaby. This would be something that would go earlier in the show, I feel like. This would be right off the top. I'm looking, I'm sort of still toying with the name,

but I feel like it's something in the neighborhood of Henry the Normcore Sushi Chef. Do you guys want edamame? Okay. Whoa. And what are you doing in the opening credits now that you've actually stuck the landing on one of these? I'm offering them edamame, I feel like. Yeah.

Okay. To sort of set up like, oh, you know, like. The audience? Because I think a lot of comedy is about a complete lack of surprise. Yeah. I feel like they should be set up earlier in the show like, oh, I think I might see that Edamame Chef character later that I like. Yes. And can we give the people in these opening credits some lines?

Can we actually hear what they're saying instead of just like having to watch them talk and be like, oh, I don't get to be a part of this at all. It looks funny. You see Kenan at a bar. Yeah. He's hanging out with some people who are off screen. Yeah. His mouth is moving in a sort of nonspecific way. Why don't we hear the tail end of his conversation where he's like, yeah, and then I set it up

for auto pay or whatever. I can see his name. I don't have to hear it. I would like to hear what he is saying. Oh, or do you think they should say their names? Yeah, they should say Kenan Thompson. This is what I was talking about. Maybe welcome me into the conversation. Should they slate at the beginning of the show?

Yeah, just so I'm not so lost. Acting is enacting. And when you enact a credit sequence by saying your name to the audience, then when they're watching later, they go like, oh, that's my friend.

Why do you think me and Hayes are such good friends with our audience? Because we're always explaining who we are. And we know all their names. And we know every one of their names. Even you. Dex. I want to say Dex.

I want to say Dex, too. I swear to God I was going to say Dex. I want to say Dex. I want to say Dex, too. I was going to say... Dex or Dex? I swear to God I was going to say Dex. It could be Drax, but that's... I might be thinking of Drax the Destroyer. Drax. That does sound familiar.

Even you, Drax. And Kevin's like, am I going to get to do mine? Who's, you know... Cody, who the fuck are you texting with? You've been furiously texting. I have one. I've been thinking of one. But shut up.

Who are you texting with? Like, what's going on? Whoever it is, it's not even iMessage. It's actual SMS. It's got the green thing. Green bubble. Holy shit. No, I'm writing jokes in my phone.

He's texting to 1997. The comics always are doing. Okay, you've got one. What's texting to 1997. Comics always are doing. Okay. You've got one. What's your one? All right. Mine is Todd, the Fruit Ninja game player, sushi chef. Sushi chef.

All right. You ready? Sushi chef buyers. Here we go. All right. So Todd is working at the sushi place. Set the scene for us. Yeah. He's playing Fruit Ninja on his phone. Here we go, all right? So Todd is working at the sushi place. Set the scene for us.

Yeah, he's playing Fruit Ninja on his phone. And then what? Does he say anything? No, it's over now. I mean, I think he should either go, ah, damn, and then take their order, or he should go, oh, new high score. And one of his coworkers could be like, hey, can you chop this up for me, please? And he thinks he's talking about fruit and injury. I don't really.

He's like, you got it. He goes, I'm trying. Yes. Oh, hell no. Where was the echo? What? You set up the echo that you haven't used. That was like 25 minutes ago.

I've never watched. At all. You had this nice thing that you could have kept checking in with. You really set yourself up for a win for maybe the first time ever. And then I think forgot about it. But you're not doing anything else. There's nothing else for you to be thinking about. I haven't seen Cody in like six months.

And I saw him and was like, oh, cool, yeah, we haven't had Cody forever. Like this will be really good. And then I'm going like, no. Okay, Kevin, you can do yours. All week he's kind of been like, can I do,

I would just like to do one character on the show. We're doing our SNL reels. We are doing the SNL reels. And so, yes, you can do your character.

You've been saving it up. Okay, this is a guy who works for a podcast company and is constantly berated by the host, and then it affects his personal life. Hi, my name's Kevin Bartelt. Oh, hold on, my phone's ringing. Hey, Mom, how's it going? What's that?

You Googled me and Kevin Bartelt creep was the first thing that came up? Oh, no, I can explain it. No, it's, oh, you don't really care? Okay, well, I'll talk to you later. Bye. Live from New York, it's Saturday night. So I feel like, first of all.

He's doing it before the opening credits. Buttoning that with live from New York is Saturday Night is probably not the best in terms of long-term thinking because you've just shut yourself out of using the same character for your Studio 60 tape. Right. We own it now. We own it. And the new Mad TV incarnation. Yeah, Mad TV 3.

Mad 3B. Mad 3BR. You also, you're the cold open, but you're not political at all? Sure. Does that sound right in today's economic climate? Absolutely not. It's irresponsible.

Okay. Yeah. Unless with the way things have been turning over recently, Kevin Bartelt's mom could be in the White House. Yeah. Okay, I'm interested. What a comedy killer. And DC comes in with his fucking battle axe

and just splits Bartelt down the middle. Wow. And you think he's like whole for a second. And he's standing there and you're like, oh, I must have not even touched him. And then his two halves start to go like... Something that I'm working on is I like it when comedians

have their own YouTube channel and in the names of their own videos, they're called like Comedian Shuts Down. How do I approximate that in real life before I just say a joke? Yeah, that you... Do I go like, comedian destroys Kevin

Bartelt, and then I say the thing that destroys him? That is the closest thing, because you are now allowed to act like you discovered something about yourself in the third person. So yes, why not just do that in your normal life? Alright.

Now, Kevin, this whole thing about like, oh, I don't like doing the show anymore and all that, and people can actually Google me and that's bad. Like, people are actually like trying to like do research about me and I don't like that. My mom's Googling me. Yeah. And I'm upset. And any results come up.

Yeah. You're right. I should be more thankful. And you're also, and I also do not believe it because every time I turn around when I come in here, you are here. And you just keep coming back for more because you do love it so much. And you also act like you weren't the one who made a mashup of Radiohead's Creep and TLC's Creep.

Yeah. The Kevin Bartelt mashup. Yeah. And then that comes up when people Google you. And I'm also not going to let you run this little game of like, oh, there's an interesting result when you Google me. And so you actually are pushing people to just Google you to get your SEO. I'm actually Googling him right now.

And I will say that. Whoa, watch out. Out of the first ten images that pop up, nine of them are actually Kevin. That's a huge thing. And the other thing is one of the pictures, and this is really going to freak you guys fucking out. There's a picture of him standing in front of paper towels. Remember?

Wow. So it's like he knew the show. What is that? What the fuck is that, Kevin? Yeah, I don't know what you're talking about. Cody, wait. What happens when people Google your name? What are their pictures of?

For you, it's very unusual that most of the pictures of Kevin are of Kevin. It's an open wound. Is it just wounds? There's a picture of Sean, actually. Okay. Uh-oh. It's weird. Okay.

He's flipping off. He's flipping the bird to the something. Establishment? Yeah. It probably is the status quo that's getting the sort of business under that middle finger. That's just about the last thing I'm going to tolerate and just sit here and go like, oh, I'm fine with this.

No, it's getting shaken up, and it's getting shaken up one finger at a time. The finger I'm starting with is the main middle one. Sean and I went to dinner last night, and we walked in, and the hostess at the station was like, two? And Sean was like, why don't I ask you how many of you there are? Right. He's tired of this, things just working the same old way, just going along with the inertia.

I get chills just hearing this story of me being cool. He was like, one? He really threw it back at her. And a lot of times people think that you do just want one, like seating for one because you are giving them the middle finger. And then they did see you separately from me

and you did go with it. Well, I kind of had to. It's a little weird at that point. I wound up texting with DC through the whole meal because we were seated pretty far apart, and I did have something I needed to talk to him about. How was the burrata, by the way? Too wet.

It is always like a nice dry burrata. That's what the Sufi was invented for. So you can give someone the finger and also be seated with your friend. Yeah, I know, I know, I know. I got to use that more. I got to use that more. Well, it hurts my wrist. So are we done with our SNL characters?

I'm assuming we're all going to be on the show together maybe one of us hired as a writer and then bumped up to performer later in the season

maybe one regular cast one feature performer does anyone have any other sushi chefs that they want to sort of explore yeah Kevin I was wondering that

about your character is like how how do they what do they do when they make sushi who's they? SNL? No, your guy. Oh, how does my character do?

There was just no element in there. Kevin, it's a little messed up to me that you claim to want to be in this business, yet you seem completely oblivious to the fact that for the past at least 10 years, SNL has entirely centered content-wise around sushi chefs. That's my mistake. You gotta know the business. Different flavors of sushi chefs. That's my mistake. You've got to know the business.

Different flavors of sushi chefs. You have to be a fan as well as... You guys, I actually thought of one more group we are allowed to make fun of and that could be a good sushi chef for you guys to hear. Check this out. My sushi's the best sushi. All the other sushi chefs are

losers. Sad. Yeah, see? Finally, we can make fun of Anthony Atamanek. Yes. So that's the kind of thing that, you know that could be pretty rewarding. Instead of just like, I'm Kevin.

That shit's over. We're coming for you. That shit's over. The hot new club is Suhi, where the men can have the tastiest sushis. What's the one thing Bill Hader says? Is that a character? Keep going. And if you like chocolate and vanilla,

this baby squirts in all directions. Doing a real thing. Why does creep come up? Wait, do you think there's chocolate and vanilla? What does that have to do with sushi? What are you talking about? Who introduced the idea of chocolate and vanilla? Did anyone else feel like he was doing a real thing?

That that wasn't a... I don't know. It just felt like he was doing a real thing. Well, first of all, if he is doing a real thing, I mean, welcome to my circle, first of all. We keep it one hundo at all times. So I welcome that. My freaking fake sensors haven't gone off.

I'm in the intersanctum of my circle. I'm like George Clooney in Tomorrowland. I'm watching on a bunch of monitors inside my little weird house. If I see fake come within 100 meters of my circle, they get blown the fuck up. Kevin, you've made it all the way up to the house, buddy. Congratulations. Thank you, DC. My circle is like the skulls, and you're getting initiated into the skulls if you behave with realness. into the skulls if you behave with realness.

And my circle's like the Inferno in the Dan Brown book Inferno. And it's pretty hot in there. And also some ancient group planted some symbols to lead you. And symbologist Robert Langdon is sort of hot on the trail

Kevin doesn't understand anything he started air drumming drum cymbals yeah I so yeah it's like Inferno from the Dan Brown book Inferno

and you gotta understand all the cymbals and you probably are like kind of an old symbologist and there's sort of a young hot thing who's like along on the mission with you and maybe it's so intense that it's sort of bringing you guys closer together and you might do a big kiss. They will need a new, like Dan Brown's young associate.

Sorry, Robert Langdon's young associate for the new movie, they tend to cast these people with the short brown hair. And so maybe this could be an opportunity for you, Kevin, if your character is talking about helping Robert Langdon with these symbols. That is good,

because then you can use this tape for two purposes. If you don't get SNL, which they're kind of full up, they hired us three, then you can use this tape for two purposes. If you don't get SNL, which they're kind of full up, they hired us three, then you can still get into whatever the new Dan Brown thing is. Should I do like an audition for that now? Yeah, do both.

But do both. But keep in mind you're young. Sure. I'm young and I'm doing an audition for SNL. And you're nubile. And I'm nubile. Oh, man. And you're nubile. And I'm nubile. Oh, man.

These symbols everywhere are just really getting me hot and bothered. Not like in that way, but I feel like I really need to solve this case with a close friend. No, you're watching him solve the case. Okay. I'm very impressed the way you're solving the case. I'm taking so many notes. What's the deal with the hot circles? And I think

we can do this together hands in hand. They need more sushi stuff. Sure. Do the sushi. And you can wrap me in a blanket like a nice sushi blanket.

Okay. Man, what's that smell? It's crispy, wet sushi. What do an Italian guy do? It's me, a sushi boy. I taste the sushi. Mmm. This is be-o-sha.

He's a millennial. He's a millennial. And I see you on Twitter and Snapchat see Instagram stories hashtag and he's Trump and he's Trump

it's very I'm very sad I'm a president and I'm not making very good choices. He's talking to your mom. And don't Google Kevin so much because he's actually doing quite fine in L.A. Very nice. Nope. Cody, are you ever going to do a freaking yup-yup?

I can't believe it. It's unbelievable. Why? It's sprinting away from success. It's so sad to watch. He has a baseball game on his computer. Bye. Bye.

bye I'm a horny girl wolf this has been an earwolf production executive produced by Scott Aukerman Colin Anderson and Chris Bannon for more information and content visit earwolf.com that was a hate gum podcast