Hollywood Handbook - Dewayne Perkins, Our Close Friend

Episode Date: October 1, 2019

The Boys help DEWAYNE PERKINS make sure he has the best jokes. This episode is sponsored by My Sheets Rock (www.mysheetsrock.com/THEBOYS), Harry's (www.harrys.com/handbook) and Indochino (www.indochino.com code: HANDBOOK)See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. So, I'm out back. We're like out in the patio area and it's me and I'm there with Diana Rigg. Diana R Rig. Diana Rig. And we are making. From the original Avengers. Yes. No. I know.

I was with her on the patio. Yeah. Yeah. From the original Avengers. So I'm, we're making Matthew McConaughey's beer can chicken recipe from I think 1996 he went on the Ellen show and showed me how to make beer can chicken which keeps the chicken so moist because

you put it beer can up it's butt he showed me through the TV and you cook it he's looking at you a lot of the time he was looking right at me not using my name necessarily, but obviously thinking,

I can put this one in your pocket for you and Diana Rigg later. So anyway, it's a full 20-something years later, and we're cooking it. The beer must have gotten very gross. That is where I was going. The chicken came out great. Diana goes, God, I got to wash this down. Grabs the beer can, which is so hot.

Oh, and it's also like 20 years old at that point. Dude, Yeah. She goes, you dare me to chug this motherfucker? I'm like, not expecting that from an inventor, obviously. Yeah, sure. She essentially melted her entire neck. And then what am I supposed to do? What are you supposed to do

in that situation? Yeah. I just left her there. So it's like, what am I, yeah, what do you want me to do? No, it's exactly right.

What do you want me to do? I hate that. Yeah. Welcome to Hollywood Handbook and it's the insider's guide to kicking butt and dropping names in the red carpet line

by callways of this industry we call showbiz. Today's episode is mostly about kicking butt. Each episode is about a different part of the description of the show. It's about kicking butt and changing names. We're going to kick someone's butt so hard they have to get a new name.

That's a good preview. Dwayne Perkins is here. Hello. Hi. Hey, what's up? You were on Ayo Adebri's show. Hey, what's up? You were on Iowa Debris' show. Yes, I was. And when she came on our show,

we were like, who's on your show? And she was like, Dwayne Perkins, he's a comedian. And we were like, yeah, we know. We're getting him.

We are already going to have him on this show. We're locked and loaded. Sam, can you play that clip, please? Go ahead and play the clip. Just play that clip that I just described. Roll the clip. Can you play the clip please go ahead and play the clip just play that clip that I just described roll the clip

can you play the clip Sam he doesn't even look like he's trying is it playing yep just for you I just want you to hear it so Sam's listening to the clip and he's making a face like okay this is what they described and

he's loving this and so sam you want to talk well do you want to talk about what you heard nah it's so funny so so sam likes that energy we had so anyway yeah we told her she tried to kind of big time us and we came over the top and said we actually have the same guest just later and we probably don't yeah uh don't have as much of a plan of what to do so that happened we so what we do on this show is we solve problems this is like our main like we don't describe it that way but that is basically what the show have you seen michael clayton like as a human the film you hung out basically what the show is. Have you seen Michael Clayton? Like, as a human? Have you hung out with Michael Clayton recently?

Have you seen Michael Clayton lately? I don't know what that is. Can you explain what that is? Have you seen Ray Donovan? No. We got to find some common ground. Yeah, tell me something you've seen. Let's work backwards from what you've seen. Is there movie names?

Because these just sound like names of people. Sort of. Sort of. Sort of. Michael Clayton's movie. Ray Donovan. Television. Which is really...

The way they're doing these now is sort of like... It's almost like... It's almost movies. Watching the movie. Yeah. You were going to say... gonna say what is your ducking just like what you have seen like what like have you not seen anything doing

uh yeah I've seen things I'm just trying to find the confines okay but that yeah state the thing just like just like what is one of the things so as we're on record that you have seen something this is gonna be better for you if you just admit that you've seen something. And he has done that.

It brings people in. And that is on record. It's relatable. What have I seen? I've seen, have you guys seen Songland on NBC? Okay. Okay. Yes.

Yes. So we can work backwards with that. Songland. Songland. Songland. Songland. Is basically about solving the problem of having a song in your heart that you need to get out. You don't. So for Songland, most of the people on Songland do not want to die with that music inside them.

They must release the music. Ray Donovan is a little different. He's a bit of a heavy. And any problem that comes up, especially something untoward, that's who you call. Ray Donovan, okay. He's a bit of a fixer.

Have you seen Pulp Fiction? Pulp Fiction? Yeah. I have. Remember the wolf? No. It's the character who they're like, what do we do? We gotta, like, the guy is in the car. The guy

there's blood. We gotta call this guy and he's like, here's what you need. He has the solution to the problem which is clean the car. Yes, that only the wolf knows yes yes yes you gotta clean this car what's something

that happened on Songland just at this point I do feel like I need some proof that you did see it um cause you didn't know the wolf so just one thing

that happened on Songland even one of the best songs cause you did say that you've seen Pulp Fiction and then you didn't know um the one of the main guys and you're looking at me like I'm going to tell you and Dwayne.

I must confess, I won't. Okay, so a lot of things have happened on Songland. Okay, okay. All right, hey. Charlie Puth. Charlie Puth. Charlie Puth. On Songland.

He was on it and he had to pick a song that these three people were pitching to him he picked a song and then the whole conceit of the show is that an artist comes on

the show they present songs they pick a song they record it as a single Charlie Puth picked a song but was like I'm not recording this as a single

it was a controversy okay he would not Charlie he was like nope can't do it not me not today and he did it in this as a single. It was a controversy. Okay. He would not. Charlie. He was like, nope, can't do it. Not me, not today. And he did it.

Oh, no. Charlie. And everyone was like, what? Charlie. What a boss. And he's just squatting on it. You know?

And then he put out a bunch of singles of his own. It was crazy. Wow. Does Songland have, like, is there a thing where there's, like, a mayor

and, like, a post office? Like, it could be fun. Absolutely not. The mayor of Songland have, like, is there a thing where there's, like, a mayor and, like, a post office? Like, it could be fun. Absolutely not. The mayor of Songland? Absolutely not. Absolutely not. Okay. There is no mayor.

No, unfortunately. And there's no mailman? No, there's four judges. Okay. Oh, so it's only the judge, jury, and executioner. Yes. Uh-huh. Yeah.

Just the legal branch. Yep. legislature. Problems. Google. Yeah. It's a site. For sure.

What else? We've used it. Yeah. What else about it? It's an app. Uh-huh. Yeah. It's a conglomerate

yes alphabet and it also has you on it oh I'm on it as well and it's not a brag no but my picture's on there

far be it from me to get in here and start giving out statistics about whether I'm on there or whether be it from me to get in here and start giving out statistics about whether I'm on there or whether there's a picture of me. But yeah, there is. Yeah, it's not a big deal. It's stupid. Honestly,

I mean, yeah, is my mom pumped on it? Yeah, she's fucking flipping out, dude. She's fucking doing backflips off the kitchen table. I'm worried she's gonna hurt herself because her baby boy's on google and you could take that to the bank that said when you search me there are problems there's a man named sean clement with no s who was in a movie called like Bikini Beach Party Massacre or whatever. And he is number one, Sean Clements on IMDB because someone misspelled his name in

the credits of that movie. And so he's eating my lunch. He's stomping all over me. There's a man who is an MMA fighter and he's more popular than me right now. Because he has a big fight coming up. And so what do I do when this happens? Destroy them. You have to. You must know what I mean, Dwayne. What happens when you type yourself into Google?

And say the truth. Google says, do you mean Dwayne Perkins? But it's spelled D-W-A-Y-N-E. No, I know who I am. I know what I mean. I mean me. Yeah, it's a harrowing time every time. It affects me deeply, and I just really would love for Google to see me for me.

There is other Dwayne Perkins. He is Dwayne Perkins comedy. Dwayne Perkins comedy, yes. What I was going to say is for me, at least this guy doing Slumber Beach Party Massacre, this other guy kicking and punching, that's only part of what I do. But for you, the other Dwayne Perkins is doing exactly what you do. Yeah. Or he would say I'm doing exactly what he's doing.

Oh, okay. And this is what I was worried about. So when I go, hey, Siri, play Dwayne Perkins comedy, what do I get? Not me. No. You getkins comedy what do I get not me I get some of this yeah this Joker and he was of course in the movie Loquisha which you were able to

assume like take advantage of some of the heat around that for a little while I went on my own personal press tour no I did receive lots of for a little while. I went on my own personal press tour. No, I did receive lots of passionate responses on Twitter saying, how could you do such a thing? And I was like, what are y'all talking about?

And then I saw and I gasped and I was like, oh no. I have to. And so then my twitter name became Dwayne not Dwayne Perkins because it had to be done and that's when I knew

oh this isn't gonna work yes that's not working the strategy's not working he has to be destroyed and this was nothing against nothing against, like... Nothing against the other Dwayne who has a head start, hell of a career. Look, the guy booked Laquisha. I mean, he legit has a Netflix special.

And so I'm like, you've done it. Yeah, he's done it. He's been on a bunch of late night shows. And one thing I've noticed is when I go to search him, do comedy videos come up? Yeah. Do the titles tell me the premise of the comedy bit? Yes, they do. And what I'm worried about is when somebody says,

hey, have you heard the Dwayne Perkins bit about how some baby names should be vetoed? That they're going to think of him and not you. And that's crazy because I have a great bit about baby names that should be vetoed. So let's talk about Diane. We can't anymore. No, we shouldn't.

We're done. That's an old lady name. And if a baby has that name, I'm like, why are they not? This is my baby Diane. That's weird. Yes. When have you ever met a baby named Diane? No, that is exactly what his bit is.

Really? So yes, we just word for word. So, but you're doing it i think with a bit more gusto yes thank you so i do think we should probably pick another baby name that should be just not diane yes i know you've been in the lab on that one for a while, but I do think we need some other ones. Yeah. Just like, I don't know, like Jacket. Yeah, because

that's an item, not a person. Thank you. And that's exactly what I was going to say. And the name Betty. Okay. Betty. Okay. And what's the problem? It's not cute. And for me, it makes me think of betty boop okay um a whore okay betty rebel was spreading it around as well yeah they use the name betty

throughout history to be salacious and you don't want that put on a baby yes and that is just history and there's nothing offensive about that exactly uh um i'm gonna think of a name that you're not allowed to have and also famous i mean like we talk about betty's from history black betty had a child and that thing went absolutely wild wambalam yes yeah yes yes yeah yeah no we can't have any more of that it's too risky Wamba Lam. Yes. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. No, we can't have any more of that. It's too risky. It is.

Betty White should be the last one. And she's never going to die, so she will be. Yes. And she hosted SNL. That was epic AF. She won the internet on TV. So. A funny post you could do is be like,

every time I see her trending, I'm doing the Denzel meme. That is a funny post. I see it every time anybody, like that is a tweet that will never get old. Yes. There is some stuff that's evergreen. And the reason we see it again and again is because it's one of these ancient stories you know the denzel meme um uh icarus these are things that bind us as humans oh and that's my baby name actually that should be vetoed we can't do Pygmalion anymore. No. Come on. We've moved past that. Pig Mailman?

So that one, we're done, right? Sam, do you have any baby? And I can see, like, Sam is effectively putting him on the glass to try and get one of these baby names off. What, like, what, just, like, say yours. And he's going to want to do this for all of them. I'm so sorry. He's not on Google.

You search Engineer Sam and Google goes, what? Yeah. What's the clown where he's like, but doctor, I'm that. Pennywise? Oh, Pennywise. Yeah, that one. Yeah. But doctor, I am Pennywise.

But doctor, I am Pennywise. Okay. And the next bit that we have that original Dwayne Perkins did is you can find anything on the internet. We sort of have done that already. Yeah, we've talked a little bit about it. I mean, we just talked about something

you can't find on the internet. So that a little bit fights the premise. We may have to put Engineer Sam on the internet in order to get this bit across. Um, do you have anything for that? Just on the video, you click the video,

you search, you can find anything on the internet comedy, Dwayne Perkins jokes, laughs. I mean, I have something very similar. I said, you can find anything on the internet browser.

So it's a little, okay. It's specific. It's more correct. Oh, wow. Uh, So it's a little different. It's specific. It's more correct. Oh, wow. Uh-huh. Because it's specifically about Firefox. Okay.

Yeah. Mozilla. It is all on there. That one has all of them. It does, and there's a lot of extensions to make it more fun. Yeah. It is Mozilla. Yeah.

Yeah. So I think, yes, the Firefox thing is funny. Yes, you can find anything on the internet. I don't know if this will come up later, but do you know any stand-ups who talk about porn on the internet or like porno search terms and stuff? Because that to me seems like an area that could be maybe a comedy bit for 50 to 100 stand-ups. This is something that you probably don't know. bit for 50 to 100 stand-ups this is something that you

probably don't know when you agree to do stand-up you sign a contract about the topics you're going you have to talk about sorry sorry sorry porn is number two number one is uh you have to talk about like your personal opinions of comedy and how you feel when people don't like comedy number one number two porn number three racism And how you feel when people don't like comedy. Number one. Number two, porn. Number three, racism. It's in the contract. Not talking about it, just doing it. Yeah, just do it. Straight up.

You're going to want to get some of that in there. You got to get it in. Get it out quick, hard, and fast. I mean, I guess I was borderline there with my thing of Mozilla is Godzilla. Oh, that's what you were doing. Oh, man. Cancel. Sam, sorry. Oh that's what you were doing Oh man cancel Um So

Sam did oh sorry did you want to do your bit on that Oh sorry sorry sorry What about if um Remember that game Star Fox Oh hell yeah yeah Hayes has talked about it a lot Andross Oh that's it

Shit man Star Fox period Gets in gets out doesn't do anything while he's there And Ross. Yeah. Oh, that's it? Oh, okay. Shit, man. Starbucks, period. Tight. Gets in, gets out, doesn't do anything while he's there. So the next bit, which I think is maybe the richest vein we have, but they're all pretty good. This one is how to avoid the friend zone. Can we talk about the friend zone?

Hello? Yes. I have so much material on the friend zone because it's a zone that I just find so interesting. There's a show on Nickelodeon when I was younger called Chalk Zone. And it was about a boy who would go into this world with a magic piece of chalk

and then he would draw whatever he wanted. And in my head, the friend zone is the same thing. The friend zone is a bit like that. Yes, you can use a piece of your friend to draw a portal. So, Songland, speaking of Songland, have you seen the movie yesterday? Oh, the one about the Beatles? Beatles? No.

The Beatleman. the movie yesterday. Oh, the one about the Beatles? Beatles? No. The Beatles, man. So, I watched yesterday,

yesterday. Yesterday, I watched the movie yesterday. Am I saying this clearly? Say it one more time. The day before today, today's Saturday. Yeah. On Friday,

last night, yesterday, I watched yesterday. Yeah. On Friday, last night. Absolutely. Yesterday. Yeah. I watched yesterday. Okay. In yesterday, the freaking lady who's pretty is friendzoned as hell in that movie. And the dude doing guitar songs has made her so insanely horny for the entirety of the film that she's like about to explode from him singing Beatles songs. And he like can't tell.

And that is definition of friend-zoned, is it not? Does she ever say like, hey, I'm horny, you want to have sex to him? She says that with her face and eyes and body language and at one point after being horny for the whole movie he is ready to shag and they're in the hotel and they start pre-shagging, kissing. And she goes, I don't want to be a one-night stand. And you go, wasn't this the fucking horniest? For this guy in particular, horniest lady in the world a minute ago? But that's how complicated the friend zone can be. Because, of course, she doesn't want a one-night stand.

Because he's her friend. What's confusing is I know that there is this culture across the pond of people in the UK asking each other if they make them horny. Ah. And so... Well, and shall we shag now or shag later? Yes.

Yeah. And so, I don't know. It's like I'm suspending disbelief. I'm watching a movie about England. Yeah. Where one character is horny and the other is not asking them. Has never asked because if he did, he would know. And also, they do call each other mates.

Mm-hmm. She's trying to mate. Mm-hmm. And so, she's sort of getting mate zoned but he not mating with her you skipped a step yeah how did she get out of the friend zone which is like the worst like like how do you uh get out of this like untenable situation where someone just respects you and likes you and enjoys being around. And it's never jacking you off and you'd never blasting with them as a

result of their physical stimulation. How do you convert trust into horniness? And Dwayne, take it away. You know, I think that... Is it that noise? Like, all you gotta do is... Do that right in their ear, huh?

The sound, that exact sound within humans releases a pheromone that overpowers the effects of said friend zone. Now this to me feels this is insanely informative and interesting. It feels more like a TED talk than a comedy bit. That's what comedy is. Comedy is an extension of a TED talk.

And this is my ignorance showing. Ted Danson actually created comedy not the Ted Danson from The Good Place Ted Danson who was born. Not the Ted Danson from The Good Place. Ted Danson, who was born in 1576. Okay. He was the first person to ever attempt to do stand-up comedy. And it was him just telling the audience about his thoughts on evolution. Oh, wow.

Oh, yes. The lizard brain. Sort of, yes. At the end, he was like, ain't that crazy? And then the audience went insane and then they were like oh this can be done as an art form and then that's how um stand-up is created that's why ted talks are so fun to watch yeah they are i was always wondering why i guess they do cut it off right before they say ain't that crazy yeah because like the audience will go

wild and you can't have this you can't have that yeah i mean i when i think about the difference between my favorite ted talk and my favorite p holmes comedy bit what's the difference he's kind of going like ain't that crazy yeah yeah so so now when i search yeah friendzone LOL, comedy, Dwayne Perkins, this is Google. Show me Google. Hi, Siri. What's going to come up? Probably not this other Joker's bit.

Probably we'll get this now. Sam. Sam, you famously like to say that you know the security code to deactivate the friendzone. You take people from friendzone to the end zone. Is that right? Yeah, yeah. That's the merch I sell. Ringo's a funny name.

That could be one of the babies. That's actually for two from now. Oh, yeah. Okay. That's right. Oh, sorry. The code is eight. It's just eight?

That's how you get from the friend zone to the end zone? Okay. So the next topic that we need to absolutely eat this motherfucker's lunch on is when you have the coolest grandma ever. Go. My grandmother wasn't. Wow, I'm gross. My grandmother was a witch.

Okay. Kind of cool And I have a bit about How that made her The coolest grandmother ever Oh That's perfect for this I know

It's God this sucks He has all my bits But So it's It's basically A bit about how My grandmother

She had this Invisible. This is 100% a true story. His name was Cosmo. He would just do stuff around the house. When things would fall, she would be like, Cosmo, stop playing. Then things would stop. I was like,

oh, wow. Cool, cool, cool. Then I would try to speak to Cosmo. That's when I was really young, figuring out who I was. I'd be like, hey, Cosmo, so what you up to? Let's see what we can get into. He never took up that offer. I was friendzoned by Cosmo.

Cosmo put you in the invisible friendzone. He was existing only in the friendzone. Yes. Wait, it sounded like you like trying to get something going with Cosmo like possibly sexually take that physical

I just wanted to see what his perspective was seeing that he was invisible and so I was in the closet so I needed it to be secret

can I have a theory here he's knocking stuff over his name is Cosmo it sounds like this might have been Kramer I have a theory here. He's knocking stuff over. His name is Cosmo. It sounds like this might have been Kramer. It does sound like Kramer, and I didn't want to bring it up before. No, my grandmother did not know white people,

so she wouldn't know that reference. So it was not Kramer. All right. Yeah, Kramer. Because I would ask her, hey, grandmother, do you know white people? And she'd be like, what is that? Okay. Oh, okay.

Yeah. Yeah, so she didn't know that okay so sorry uh damn that feeling when you have the coolest grandma ever oh no she was so dope that witch who did not know white people i miss her r.i.p sam cool grandma sam nah pass i got that one that's a pass okay now you only have four passes left so you be careful we have like nine topics be a better you in 2024 with babble the science-backed language learning app that actually works don't pay hundreds of dollars for private tutors or waste hours on apps that don't really help you speak the language. And the question that I always get, people stop me and they say like, hey, I trust you. I know

when you endorse a product, it's something that you really use and care about but there's one language i'm trying to learn and that's body language so can babble teach me body language yes babble now has visual in-person lessons part of their quick 10-minute lessons that they do for other languages handcrafted by over 200 language experts to help you start speaking a new language in as little as three weeks babbles designed by real people for real conversations and that includes body-based conversations what does it mean when you drop someone off after a nice date and they turn around at the door and they take their little index finger and they kind of like draw it towards them. They're pulling it.

What does that mean? Does their finger hurt? I wonder if they spotted a spider web or something. They're trying to pull down the spider web. Yeah. But I've seen this too after a lot of dates. and i need i need and have needed something like babble to figure out what the heck is this person doing with their finger because it looks like a it looks like an emergency i know i was supposed to do something or how about those people that stand in the street they're kind of like they've

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now this one is... I'm curious to see what... Dwayne checked his watch. Let's talk about it. Do you have a hard out? Does this feel particularly long? Did you get a text? Yeah, somebody liked the tweet.

And I was like, why is this vibrating now? For a like on a tweet. I know. We got to filter it. I'm too popular. And what they said was, are you the other Dwayne Perkins? And I was like, oh, no. That's my life.

The next category, clean people versus dirty people. Okay. Whatever that says to you, it sounds like they could possibly be at war. They could be like having a fight yeah right what would that be like it's like two different species of people right clean people

and dirty people it's layered so maybe I would go like I'm a clean person any clean people out here ever date a dirty person and they're leaving their plates yeah oh see when i first heard it i was like oh this is racially motivated there's like a a societal racial undertone to clean and dirty similar to what the president says uh you know how like it's like coated whistle dog whistles

I think that's what they're called I think that's what his bit's about my bit is about just like you know like soap and water like I think

clean versus dirty like that and it's one person yeah just when you're clean versus when you're dirty yeah it's like when

it's like transformative art like that's what I think. That's what my bit's about. This is crazy how we have so many similar bits. That's positive. And your comedy is effectively giving them an intellectual shower and stripping away some of this grime of just not getting it.

They're getting soaked with knowledge. Yes. And I'm washing away the grime of just not getting it. They're getting soaked with knowledge. Yes. And I'm washing away the grime of ignorance. Yes, that's right. Because what is the best soap? Knowledge. Yes. And it's one of those showers where it comes straight down from the ceiling.

Yes, you pull a cord. Yes, yes, yes. It's like a rain shower. Like a flash dance. It's really nice. It's intense. It's lit a rain shower. Like a flash dance. Yeah. It's really nice. It's intense. It's lit really nicely. The best soap is knowledge.

The best shampoo is facts. The best cream rinse is... I had this before. Dwayne, can you walk me through it again? Yes, yes, yes. We said the best soap is knowledge. Shampoo is facts. And the best cream rinse is fractions.

That's right. Sam. Lowest common denominator. Sam, what's clean people versus dirty people for you? I got kicked out of Wee Spa once because I didn't shower. I just went right into the hot tub. So you're the one. Oh, boy.

Wow. Okay. The best and worst made-up name. I'm searching. I'm searching.'m searching duane perkins comedy the best and worst made up name i'm laughing i'm cracking up laughing my ass off that's all in the search taking a break yep and what do i find we've done a lot of name stuff already we're in the name zone we have where this sort of our corner now we own names okay baby names we fucking demolished that entire topic yeah now made up names so this is a situation let me try to create this you're checking into a hotel under a fake name. There's obviously a good choice and a bad choice.

So the best made up name would be... Dwayne, can you help me out on this? Jerry. Yes. That's the best one? Yeah, because it seems like it could be a real name. Yes, that's really smart. No one will suspect a thing. No one's going to be like, no, you're not.

Yes. Like, why can't it not be Jerry? That's a very good made-up name. Very convincing. That crushes. The worst one probably would be Hotel, right? Oh, I was thinking, oh, man. man i'm not gonna say what i was thinking okay okay is it about me inward no i would say that would be that's a bad that's really bad yeah

that's a really bad made up yeah yeah and sean you think hotel is worse than uh me personally yeah just but i get it. Perspective is everything. Relativity is a thing. Yeah, for sure. No, it's true. Everyone has to sort of honor their own experience. Absolutely.

Someone called me a hotel. That would be just about it for me. Yeah, I get it. But if you're going to like see if your favorite celebrity is staying at the hotel and you see that somebody has signed in as hotel,

that would make me very suspicious. That maybe it's not them, but at least it deserves a little more looking into. It's a red flag. I mean, a little bit depends on who your favorite celebrity is. There are some for whom, Dwayne's example of the worst made-up name, would throw me off the scent,

and some for whom I would be like, it's got to be them. For instance, if it was Cosmo Kramer. If you think about, like, if Paris Hilton signed into a Hilton and it was just Hilton, it'd be like, it's got to be them. For instance, if it was Cosmo Kramer. If you think about, like if Paris Hilton signed into a Hilton and it was just Hilton, it'd be exactly like that. Yes. Maybe Hotel is the people's last name. If I saw that, I'd be like, oh, they own this place.

Right. And then, of course, they're staying there. It's weirder that I'm staying here. This is where they live. This is their home and I'm a visitor. Yeah, it's basically their house. Also, a bad made-up name to have would be a lot of vagina. Yeah.

A lot of vagina? A lot of vagina. That's what it sounds like. It's actually fagina. Oh, fagina. Which... They clarify that. Yeah.

Yes. So, you haven't seen this. So, you haven't seen Michael Clayton. you haven't seen this. So you haven't seen Michael Clayton. You haven't seen Ray Donovan. You appear to have not seen Yesterday, which I watched yesterday. No. You haven't seen now Awesome Powers. Yes.

I mean. Okay. Well, that's a good impression of him. That sounds more like a gold member to me. I've seen parts of Awesome Powers. Parts of it. All of it. I've seen some parts of it too.

That's what the lady said. They're kind of all like merged into one movie in my head. Yeah. You binge. It is one story. I mean, it's a single story. So I was just like super young when it came out. Yeah.

Me too. Me too. So young. I actually was too. I was young as well. Like learning how to walk and talk. Oh, that's so crazy that you were alive when it came out oh wow

I only heard about it later just recently actually I didn't know that he was not an actor I thought that he was playing a version of himself and then I realized that that was an actor playing a character I thought this was a documentary, this is crazy

yeah me too I was so young that I didn't know what a movie was playing a character yeah i was like wow i thought this was a documentary this is crazy yeah yeah yeah me too me too i thought i was like so young that i didn't know what a movie was beyonce was in it and i was like oh this is like a like a whole thing and then i was like she was playing a character and i was like she shouldn't act so i like when i watched it i was like kind of a little baby and so when it went away i didn't remember that it was happened, that it had ever happened.

And I thought it like didn't exist anymore. Like when it wasn't on the screen. So that was just like a funny, like misconception I had when I, no object. Yeah. I had started watching it and then I actually rolled over for the first time onto my tummy.

And then I got actually very mad that I was on my tummy. Cause I couldn't roll back. Wow. That's crazy. Yeah. So that's mostly couldn't roll back. Wow, that's crazy. That's mostly what I remember about the movie. It's crazy. I remember it but it's kind of muffled because the first time I heard it I was inside of my mother's womb

and I was like, what is that sound? And I was like, oh, something, somebody saying shag, but it was just like Could that be, I mean they say like parents like should like listen to Mozart or whatever to make their baby smart. Could that be why you're so they say like parents like should like listen to Mozart or whatever to make their baby smart. Could that be why you're so funny?

Why you're in comedy now? Is that there was a pair of Bose headphones on your mother's belly and she was blasting Austin Powers into her womb. Wow. I didn't realize that was my origin story until right now and I'm obsessed. Sam, best and worst made up name is yeah that's right that's the best the best one is randy and the worst one is jason unfortunately i thought he was just saying sars and then being like let me throw in an extra k oh Oh And an L Well Cause he didn't say scars

He said sclars It sounds like SARS But sclars Oh But you were like let me throw in an extra K But you didn't account for the L It was silent Very much no.

No, but there's like audibly silent letters and then silent letters. This is the kind of stand-up comedy that I came here for. This is not comedy. This is a fact. That's TED Talk. This is shampoo. Yeah. Okay. So for this new topic,

we've been playing around in the sandbox and now we're going to go to the freaking beach where there's sand as far as the eye can see to play around in uh the category is technology sucks it's more general isn't it yes yeah yeah and we already did google stuff and that is part of technology uh so people know yes as you As you said, we've been, and Firefox, we did a lot with that. Yeah.

Too much. Wow. So that's, that's a lot of technology. But is there like other stuff? Oh, I have a bit called technology sucks, which is crazy.

This is insane. This is getting weird. This is getting really weird. It really weird my ex-boyfriend whose name was technology um he was a rapper and uh it pretty much had the same premise though where i was like yeah he's always using his phone uh-huh he doesn't listen to gps it would be like go right and he'd be like i'm not listening to this and he'll go left you know crazy things. Yeah, it's insane that like our lives are so parallel. Yeah. Weird for you when you hear the song Ayo Technology,

those are two people that you know. I mean, the name is not pronounced correctly in Ayo's case. Yes. But it is spelled the exact same way. Yes, and that's also how i used to call to him hey yo technology come uh give me a scone um okay now okay i just want to go back into like like picking apart how this relationship ended if the kind of communication you're having is telling him to get you a scone. We were fancy people. Okay.

We traveled a lot. We loved a hard biscuit. Oh, wow. And it ended because, unfortunately, technology was using technology wrong. You remember how I said he didn't listen to GPS. He did run off a bridge, and he has passed RIP. He's up there with has passed R.I.P. He's up there with my witch grandma.

Okay. But yeah, I mean, I learned so much about myself in that relationship. Of course, watching him drive

off a bridge. No, he ran off. I didn't see him do it. Oh, ran off. Okay. I wasn't there. That would be

very traumatic and I don't think I would be able to be talking about it if I saw it. Yeah. No one was saying you keep saying that you weren't there and that you didn't see it. I didn't think I would be able to be talking about it if I saw it yeah no one was saying you were

you keep saying that you weren't there and that you didn't see it I didn't see it at all yeah I was not I have I know exactly

where I was and if you had seen it or even if you had caused it you wouldn't yeah you wouldn't be able to talk about it at all I have four affidavits

that say that I was exactly where I was at the time wow so yeah so just even talking about it basically proves you didn't do it four affidavits that say that I was exactly where I was at the time. Wow. So, yeah. So just even talking about it basically proves you didn't do it. Because I'm emotionally sound in body and mind.

Therefore, I have a clean conscience. I guess now that you mention it, hearing that somebody ran off a bridge because they were using a GPS incorrectly. Insane, right? Yes. That's nuts to me. I know. As I picture that. picture that also on pcp

okay as i picture it unfortunately it looks extremely funny as i picture that happening the bad news is it looks hilariously funny yeah and it is sort of a wily coyote type thing where he gets four or five steps off the bridge before looking down and realizing like, wait a minute. He's like, whoa. Yeah. Yeah. And then he falls.

And that awareness drags him down to the- And his glasses stays up, but his body falls. Yeah. That's too bad. Sam. Sam. Technology sucks. Pass two of four.

Oh, we're giving you so much time. Yeah. Do you just, when you just hear a topic, are you saying, okay, I've got to use a pass on this one? Pass three of four. That is not allowed. You're not allowed to pass on just a normal question. Are you going to use up your last one? Pass four of four.

Okay, Sam, now you have to answer everything. You could have just done something about Discmans or something. The next comedy video that we found for the original Dwayne Perkins is football players. And we could almost combine this with the next one, couldn't we? Yes. Sports aren't for everyone. Two topics. So they could connect.

I would say this is probably the one topic I don't have. Oh, you do not have. But like now that I hear about it, I'm so upset that I don't. Yeah, because it was sitting right there. And you say sports are for everyone. Yeah, and I used to play football.

Yeah, so football players, that's you. So I have a personal connection. Like I could talk about myself um and i really missed out and i could have got i could have really expanded my fan base if i would have just really hit sports hard and this is something that people are searching for just for like seo stuff just people are being like oh what's football players oh yeah my bit is uh hey you think the other guys are jealous of the special teams? What makes them so special? I do that for 25 minutes.

I go, imagine walking in and they go, oh, well, you go over here. You're not with the special teams. Hey, what makes them so special, you know? And I do that for 25 minutes. I used to do this bit where I, when I was playing football, I was a running back. And I'd be like, I'm a running back.

And then I'm like, oh no, my back. I gotta catch it. And everybody would be like dying laughing. Your back is running away. Yes. You get it? Because running back, my physical back, and I'd be you get it because yes running back my physical back and i'd be like oh no my back and i crumble like i didn't have a spine yeah yeah because i was pretty flexible yeah i was yeah i was quarterback i was quarterback i would yeah

i was quarterback and i go where's the other three quarters of my back i'd say oh where's the rest of it and then when i would play receiver i'd'd be like, is your cable doing well? Because I was pretending to be a cable. Is your cable doing well? Yes, I did that too. Yes. Yeah. Yes, I did that too. I did that too.

I was so funny when I played football. I was a linebacker. I was so bad at football. I was like, hey, it was this strike. There's a line. No, I did that as well. Sam? In middle school school Ryan Longwell

the Packers kicker his name was in the phone book and we called him once and yelled at him and then the police came to our house. What did you say? Oh we just told him

he was awful because he'd missed a kick. His name was in the phone book in Wisconsin. Oh that's not okay to do. The police came to our house. Who's we? Me and my brother Jake.

I was going to say me and my parents. I was like, yeah. Okay. Next one. Picking your friends. I have an interesting way into this one. Yeah, of course. You say the first part. I say picking your friends? No, do we have the same way into this one. Yeah, of course. You say the first part.

I say picking your friends? No, do we have the same way in? Yeah, I go. I've noticed. I go, well, you can pick your nose. And you can pick your friends. But you can't pick your friend's nose. What is funny to you?

So this is my question. If that, if I'd love to zero in, what is funny to you? Yeah. So this is my question. If that, if I'd love to zero in, cause I feel like I'm actually getting further away from the bullseye. Uh huh. That does nothing for you. No.

Okay. So like, so now we're back on the, like, what have you seen? Like what, if that, what cracked you up? Cause you didn't appear to really know Austin powers.

Certainly hadn't seen yesterday which i saw yesterday you sean did his whole i did the bit about like the that he does for 25 minutes special teams which is special 25 minutes which is what makes them so special nothing i was not affected by it no yeah it's your uh you're we have had the issue before where people's headphones were not on oh no so are you hearing what we're yeah we're too loud i hear it it's just not um and what's the core so what's making okay yeah so that i guess back to my question like what does work for you tell me something makes you laugh and then I'll fucking do it, man. I'll do anything for you. It's hard to say.

Comedy doesn't come from laughter. It comes from claps. And I'm in a studio and I can't clap. So, um... Ah, yes. You want something that you strongly agree with. Yes, not something that tickles me.

That feels like an invasion of privacy i um humor is very personal to me so uh if i give you a laugh i feel like i'm giving you a part of my soul so that's just harder to get but if you say anything i vaguely agree with i will be like okay clap clap clap i comedy to you is championing equal pay. If I agreed with that. No, that's a bad example. Bad example. I do agree.

I don't agree with equal pay. You're right. Bad example. I think white men should get paid less than everybody else. Oh, okay. Me too. Yeah. And Sean and I are actually living that.

Yes. That is what comedy is. With this podcast. And we are following that example. And we are being paid less than everyone else Good That is called being an ally And every year We refuse to accept more money

We have not heard this show Here's what you need to know You are doing a great job In accepting that But if you ever talk about it You do become a white savior So you can never bring it up I would hate that.

And edit that out, Sam, like we always do. Never. But thank you so much. Your duty is noted. I will tell the rest of my black friends. I'd like to skip this one because the last three are really juicy and it's a nice little end run and Winner Go Home, I got

nothing for it. It feels like sports again. Where is Wyoming? Can you talk about your where is Wyoming bit? No, because I have a thing called a map and you can just be like, oh, there it is. And once I found it, it's very hard to forget because it's only 50 states and two of them are not even connected.

So that really narrows it down. Yeah, it is really... You know it's not one of those. Yeah, and you know it's not on the East Coast. So you're only dealing with 48. Yeah, and so you're like, okay, it's not Illinois. It's not Alabama. It's not California.

It's not North Dakota. So you just go down the list and you see where it's not and then you realize if you are coloring in a map and you're like, okay, here's all the other ones. Once you fill in the rest of them, there's going to be a blank space, and that is where Wyoming is. Process of elimination. Okay.

The next one is creep gauge. The creep gauge. Oh, like a gauge of creepiness. If there is a thing where you i feel like creepiness is pass fail okay like either you are a creep or you're not you're not and there's not it's not a spectrum it's binary because once you're on the spectrum at all you enter creep territory so it's like either you creep or you're not uh yes yeah so a way, the woman who was lovely in Yesterday is a creep. Full stop.

It depends on what she did and what constitutes the creepiness. Well, her ass got friend zoned to the fucking moon. And then she's looking all horny out the window. Just like falling against, like as he leaves the car, she's like, oh, like just craving him. What? Did she do anything to him that he didn't want? Hmm.

Well, he's gaslighting her. She believed in him in a way where he was trying to just finally give up music because it just was not going to happen. Let's face it. And she was still pushing him to continue. And then is that when he started doing Beatles songs? No, it's more complicated than that. I lost track of it while watching it at one point. It's a man struggling singer songwriter.

He's about to finally give up and stop chasing his dream and just go back to teaching, which in the movie is sort of the lowest thing you can do i mean and then it is he is how dare you riding his bike uh home uh there is a worldwide blackout the entire planet even the eiffel tower blacks out and they show you and you're saying wait a minute what everything is going dark and then you go oh, even the Eiffel Tower. And then during the blackout, obviously stoplights are out. And so are everyone's headlights for some reason, because the bus has, which I assume that's on a different grid than like the Eiffel Tower, for instance, but it's not.

So he can't see the bus coming. He goes through the intersection. He gets hit by the bus. He gets two of his teeth knocked out. They talk about it so much, him needing new teeth and his teeth being knocked out that it almost seems like it may have been important at the end of the movie i didn't finish it that like the fake teeth taught him beatles song something but at any rate he wakes up in the hospital when he wakes up he immediately makes like three beatles references and casual conversation over the next two hours all of which are met with like the what, the who, then he gets given a guitar. Then he plays a

Beatles song. No one has ever heard it before. They're like, that's so good. Then he goes, oh, I'm just going to record all the Beatles songs and relearn them all so that the world has them. Other stuff doesn't exist anymore. Like Coca-Cola doesn't exist. I didn't get to where they explain that. The weirdest one to me is cigarettes don't exist. This sounds like propaganda. Oasis doesn't exist, which you go, okay, they're saying they were influenced by the Beatles. Yes, I get that. But also he's searching for music.

This was really crazy to me. He goes, the Beatles, it's not there. He searches the Rolling Stones. It is there. He is there he goes okay good he searches the next thing he went beatles rolling stones the third thing he searches is childish gambino is he there he's there and he goes oh thank god donald he says that yes wow that in a way is like a compliment to art he was on our show yes very early he was on our show he's a friend and so we're in the movie and in a way he's a friend and i don't think if he knowing him he would be hissing at me for saying that he's not the third biggest musical act of all time after the rolling stones he did our podcast in the movie that's basically what

they're saying does it show up does it show up in the search that's interesting even even in the world of yesterday where so much of history has been eliminated one thing that was preserved is hollywood handbook it's good to know you guys were not influenced by the beatles you have autonomy because you still exist probably the episodes that brett engineered would disappear yeah we have an engineer Brett who only wears Beatles shirts yeah he loves the Beatles he's obsessed Sam Creep Gauge yes

okay and last one about my mom we go out on about my mom what's coming up where can we see you where can I see you? Where can I see you? You can see me on the internet. You can see me on Twitter. Dwayne Perkins.

D-E-W, please. It's D-E-W-A-Y-N-E. What's a way for me to remember that? Do you have a little device? Okay, and he did. Walk straight into that oh that's really how i tell people because you gotta have the de no one's supposed to d yeah like you have to add the yeah when i was a football player i was d nuts like d wayne d's nuts yeah Yeah. So the comedy category is About My Mom and Go.

This is crazy because I do have a bit about my mom. About my mom. Yeah, about my mom. And it's just about how she lives, how she was born, how she exists right now, her relationship to me our relationship towards him okay my mom can be a little funny yeah my mother's great um she can be a little funny yeah but her mother was a witch who had a imaginary friend so it had an effect um my mother is not a witch she was a gangbanger at one point uh my family loved labels and um

yeah let's go into that a little more yeah labels tell me about that yeah like they just love to be like i am uh then you have like a blank space if you put like astronaut i have a person in my family that is an astronaut uh if you put murder i have a family member who became a murderer when I was in like 6th grade. It was crazy. He was my favorite cousin and then he murdered people. And I went to school and they were like, your cousin's a murderer. And I was like, ain't that crazy? And that, see?

Comedy. And that's a stand-up bit. If you just finish anything with ain't that crazy, it instantly undercuts it. And then you're like, wow. And just ends the show yeah bye that was a hate gum podcast