Hollywood Handbook - Doing Spont, Our Close Friend

Episode Date: April 17, 2017

Sean and Hayes host the show you love with their guest, Paul F. Tompkins. This episode is brought to you by Stamps.com (www.stamps.com code: HANDBOOK) and ZipRecruiter (www.ziprecruiter.com/first).See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Welcome, friends, neighbors. What is a neighbor? Nay, like a horse? Or burr, like I'm cold out? Are the horses cold? Somebody get some hay in there and give them a blanket. So why is Jim Neighbors named that? He's not my neighbor. He lives, you know, somewhere else. And what's with his last name anyway? Is it Nay Like a Horse? And then Burr Like it's Brisk Ice Tea? Nothing's over.

Just give me something to drink. Remember that? So we're here, of course, and I greet you and welcome you and salute you. Is that what salutations comes from? Salute? Hey, from? Salute? Salutations, sir, general, sir, and army. I don't know. And so when you get here and listen, please do have

the podcast in your ears. And everyone, it's welcome time and it's another episode of Spont and Me Want Spont, right? Honeycomb, Honeycomb, Me Want Spont, remember? All these commercials with creatures.

So welcome to another episode of Spont. Of course, we have the best improvisers in the world here to do the show. And first, we're talking to them and so hello paul that was good hi guys no he he could go longer than that is that should he do you want more i thought that was a good amount okay i have other stuff uh-huh that was a lot of my stuff but i'm not out of stuff no i feel like sometimes it should be more like that when you do it and i think us doing this us doing your show now is a good way for you to watch and be able to sometimes pull things from it if you do it again. Do you have any questions? If I do it again. If you do the show again.

Do you have any questions about it? I think the only question is more of a statement. What's the deal with neighbors? No. You guys didn't tell me that this is what we were going to do today. I thought it was just return engagement.

No, didn't we say this? We said come and do the show. Yeah, come do the show. And, of course, the show is Spawned. I mean, that's the show. It is. Look, this thing's a runaway train. We're not going to sit here and pretend that Hollywood Handbook is the show.

I mean, it's barely on the air. Spawned is the show. What do you mean Spawned is the show? What does that mean? When I say let's do the show. What do you mean, spawn is the show? What does that mean? When I say let's do the show. Go out and ask people who's the show. Here's what, I'll give you. Don't ask me.

Yeah. I'm a bad source because I actually do a show, and it's not really very good. But there is a show that people are talking about. It's called Spawn, and I'll give you an explanation of why this is happening. My mom used to say to me, Sean, bring the food to your mouth, not your mouth to the food. Right. So it's like, I've been waiting to get an invite to spot, right?

I'm trying to bring my mouth to the food. I want to go on spot. Why don't I bring spot to me? Here comes the food to my mouth. I get Paul in the studio. I've been scanning the calendar. I saw you're going to be here, so you're kind of trapped because you just did OMFG. Let's face it. It would have been really weird to say that you couldn't do this show because you were here at this time. So in that way, I brought the food to my mouth. Okay. You guys have been guests on my show. Okay.

You guys have been guests on my show. I said at the time after that there was some stuff that I wanted to do in improv that I didn't get to do. I said right afterwards that let me do more stuff. Yeah. I mean, that's not really. And I said let me do it again. And some people have pointed out that you just didn't like my improv. and it seemed like you called the improv short because maybe I was just being too crazy

and I've said on this show that I'm willing to be a little more calm. And Sean said, let me do it again. Also afterwards, we both, as soon as you ended, we said, let me do it again. And I said, let me do it by myself. Well, the nature of the show is what happens happens and then we let it go, you know?

Yeah, we know, we're doing it. Yeah, we know. We're doing it. Yeah, we're doing a show right now. It does. Obviously, we just showed you that we know what it is. But there's no... He just explained it with the food. Is this the do-over then? I guess.

I mean, I hope so. I hope so, you know. Cody, ask a question. You want me to ask a question? Yeah, ask a question. Because that's what they do now. Because we've been trying to figure out what the thing is. It's what I do.

What I do. What do you mean what they do? Well, first of all, I actually consider Eben one of the co-hosts I guess you I guess for you it's like always it's like entirely your thing I actually think

he's a very valuable contribution to the show I never said that he wasn't but he doesn't he doesn't speak on the show well yeah but you said he's not doing anything

I didn't say what they speak I said what they do Hayes this is what you and I was doing the piano before like Hayes was doing the Eben part because he thought that part was important. I guess we could have just thrown the piano part out the window. And I actually thought it was going to be hard, but it was easy.

Okay. You guys, I feel like... Because we've been trying to figure out why this thing is breaking off such huge chunks of listeners. I mean, look, no one is more pleased at the gigantic success of my podcast than me. When you look at the podcast pie, there's one notoriously large slice taken out of it. I guess that's fair to say. Like a giant maybe was hungry for dessert. Right.

And then everybody else is just ants have to eat it and ruin the picnic. So it's a pie that is huge to ants but small to a giant. Yeah. So a regular-sized pie. It's a regular-sized pie, but the slice that the giant took didn't leave too much for the ants, me and Hayes, and the giants, you and Eben. Ants, me and Hayes, and the Giants, you and Eben. So I wanted to hopefully get a little pie for myself. Now, Cody, have you thought of a question?

It's been seven or eight minutes. Yeah, I got one. Did you look it up? Come on. What was the process? It says, okay. He said the URL, buzzkenya.com slash interesting-questions-ask-people.

Who's Buzz Kenyan? Or is it a Kenyan website? And this is, I think, is it BuzzFeed Kenya? I think, oh, I thought maybe Buzz Lightyear married.

No, I think it is Kenyon because one of the headlines on the side is Kenyon wife wants husband jailed for not wanting her being sexy. Mmm. Wait. I appreciate actually that Cody is putting some effort into this. Yeah, who got jailed? The husband wants the wife to be... No, the wife wants the husband jailed for not wanting her to be sexy.

So I'll be the husband. Okay. I'll be the wife. Okay. Hey, I don't want you to be sexy. You're going to jail. Okay. They do this at the end.

They do this. This is the scene. They do it at the end. Remember we talked about the order that they do these things? They do it at the end This is the scene they do it at the end Remember we talked about the order that they do these things They do it at the end Now it's a question So Cody hit us with the question That didn't count

That's an undo And we do get to do it again When we do the show people say let me do it again We actually let them do it So they don't look like idiots And have everyone speculating that maybe their improv is not good. So let's friggin' zoop. And because we're...

No, I have sounds. We don't do the sounds yet. Because we were talking about the last time we did the show, that should have been in the past. What do you mean? One of the sounds is like we're going in the past.

I know, but we don't do those yet. We spent so long talking about the order that we do these things. The sounds are for the past. I know, we don't do those until the end. We spent so long talking about the order that we do these things. I know. The sounds are for the end. There's no sounds

in the questions. No, okay, yeah, okay. But we were talking about the past. I mean, admit that. Yes. Okay. And he admitted it.

Cody, what kind of question are we going to get in here? You want me to ask it now? Yeah, please, for Paul. Paul. Yes. Yes.

What do you want? That's not on the list, man. Use your list. Don't do that, man. Cody, you went through all the trouble to find the list. It's too nebulous. Use your list. What do you want?

No, Cody. That's a bad question. I want to do it over. I want to do it over. Yes, okay. That's your rules. I'll get to do it again. That's your rules. What do you want? No, Cody. That's a bad question. I want to do it over. I want to do it over. Yes, okay. That's your rules. I'll get to do it again. That's your rules.

Yeah, all right. It's on a different question. All right, all right, all right. Let me try again. Yes. Do the number two one. That one's good. Question number two.

Squish. Okay. Paul. Squish. Yeah, because we're starting a new one. That's what you think one of the sounds is? That's one of the reset sounds. Squish, and then it's a new one. That's what you think one of the sounds is? That's one of the reset sounds.

Squish, and then it's a fresh, clean slate. It's the sound of squishing water onto a chalkboard. And we said that I got to do all the sounds. No, I know, but you kind of dropped the ball because this is the sound of, you know, there's a bunch of mess on a chalkboard. Somebody asked a question that wasn't very good. Well, name names, Senator Cody. And so we need to squish the water on there to clean the board.

Ask question number two. All right, all right. Paul. What was the last lie you told? That's not question number two. That's question number seven. Jesus, Cody. Why can't you do what I say?

Ask question number two. I don't know. what I say? Ask question number two. I don't know. I just want some agency in this relationship. Ask it. I felt like I could. Question number two is good. Ask it. Hey, you want agency?

Go to William Morris. Do the squish again. Squish. You want agency? Go to William Morris. All right, all right. One of the oldest talent agencies. Paul, do you know any big gossips?

And I'm not asking this. I don't want to ask it. And he has to answer. I didn't want to go there. I'll answer this question. And he has to answer. The answer, of course, is yes, I do know some big gossips. Okay.

All right. And he, in effect, has become the very thing that he is criticizing because what a big gossip would say that but I didn't mention any names did I? I answered the question that was put to me but it's implied in Imagine Dragons good

Imagine Dragons are big gossips the whole band The whole band. The whole band? The whole band. They gossip about each other, and they gossip about other bands. Wow. Oh, wow.

That makes sense, actually, if you listen to some of their lyrics. Because he says he doesn't ever want to leave this town. That's right. Now, who's asking him to leave the town? Probably some of his friends who he told all their secrets. People who were hurt by gossip. I don't want to leave this town. Yeah, it's made gossip too much and now he's radium active. Yeah.

That's interesting. What's another famous story? Your question is what's another famous story? Your question is, what's another famous story? You can take from this what you want. I think sometimes when you do the questions, they're not letting people come up with their own famous story.

You know what I mean? I don't know what you mean. I genuinely don't know what that means. Sort of boxing people in. And now I have to say, hey, as we talked about this, I mean, you were going to do the sound effect.

I said... But I was going to do the gotcha journalism. I said that if it came up like this, that I would get to do it. If you got caught up in a song,

which you were a little absorbed in. Oh, I think that... Oh, I don't think that's true at all. You sang a good chunk of that song. Now, hold on a second, Sean.

I was remembering it. Sean, you think that what I do when I ask questions is gotcha journalism? No, no, no, no, no. I wanted to do the gotcha journalism on this show, which was accusing you of when you ask questions, boxing people in. Boxing people in, not letting them come up with their own famous story. Okay, so what you're saying is when I ask the questions, I box people in during the interview. Here's how the show goes. You do a famous story.

Then you have people there. None of them are allowed to do a famous story because you place all these constrictions on them and shackle them. I don't think that's true. I'm not 100% on what you mean by a famous story. Please.

When you guys were on my show, right? Yes. I asked you a question about – Say the truth, please. I asked you a question. I think it was about breaking things, about breaking things when you were a kid. What was the first thing you ever broke? Yeah, I think –

What was the first thing you remember breaking? Is that what the question was? Something like that. Something like that. Something like that. Okay. And then we had a conversation. I had you guys on for two segments. Usually the show is I have an interview and then the improvisers, I chat with them.

You guys were on the whole show. Not everybody gets that. I talked to you guys exclusively. It's a long time not to be allowed to tell a famous story. How did I prevent you from telling famous stories? Oh, okay. I mean, this is, wow. I don't know. Hayes, what do you think?

We tell the story that you want us to tell that's not even that famous. And then, just when I think, okay, now it's going to be my turn to choose what famous story I want to tell. And we both came in and said, we've got some famous stories. We've been thinking about them for a while. We're going to do them.

And then you were like, okay, let's fit the question. Yeah. And we tried to backdoor our way into the question and it didn't work. It didn't work. That's different than me shutting it down though. Because we were in a box. Because the question is a box. The question is a box and it's chains.

Well, if you remember what famous stories you wanted to tell, tell them now. I mean, this is your forum, right? It wouldn't fit on this show. This show's not really structured for that. But I thought we're doing my show now. Again, yeah. There is no show that this story fits on.

Well then why? Why is that my fault? And you are us now which is why and we're you which is why me who's doing you is saying

what are some other famous stories? Plink-a-dink-a-dink-a-doo. And now I'm ebbing. No, that's my job. Wait, but you said you were being Paul just now. Yeah, if there's two of you. Give me that.

Why are you both being me? Give me that. Give me that piano. And now we'll really hear some tunes. Oh my God, the chord's not long enough. The chord doesn't reach. Yeah, just pull it. Can you give me just an example of a famous story? An example?

Did the Imagine Dragons story count as a famous story? Yeah, that was pretty famous. Okay. Another famous story. I don't know, like did you know that Michael Keaton

has a gym, like a mobile gym when he's on a set. Gym from Da Office? Yes. Jim and Pam, remember?

Right? What happened with them? They wanted to fall in love. What's that? They wanted to fall in love. They wanted to fall in love. Yeah. There, we did it.

Right? And that's one of the most famous stories there is. It doesn't get much more famous than Jim and Pam wanting to fall in love. They were star-crossed lovers. Yeah. Because of Roy. Yeah. Yes.

Roy forbid it. He forbid their love. Yeah. And then he lost all that weight, and he was in Guardians of the Galaxy. Oh, no. I don't think that's right of the Galaxy Oh no I don't think that's right What's that? I don't think that's right This is a famous story

This might be coming back to some of the lies That Roy I think he actually gained weight for it But it's the right kind of weight Muscle He famously packed on a lot of muscle To be the Guardian of the galaxy. What lies have I told?

Because, Hayes, that's quite an accusation. You said that Roy lost all that weight to be guardian of the galaxy when actually he packed on 20 pounds of muscle. Well, I misspoke. And I think that's different in intent than a lie. Hayes' phone locked. The phone locked. Did you feel how when a real, true musician was playing the piano? Well, I will say about me is I never took a lesson before,

and I just downloaded the app. Don't use, by the way, with that app, don't press it too many times because the app is free. Just wait until I it too many times. Because the app is free. Just wait until I finish what I'm saying. The app is free, but each time you hit the thing, it costs $3. So do not. Every note that you play costs $3? So just be careful about the different notes. Why don't you just get, is there a paid version?

I should have said that before. Yeah, there's an expensive one. How expensive is it? It costs $9. But this one is free. But yeah, the app is free, but then to play one song would cost you how many hundreds, if not thousands of dollars? If you notice the way I do it, the way I was playing before, it's very minimalism.

Right. Where I'm only doing one at a time and i then i get a chance to think about what a next good one would be and sean's doing all these at once pretty good huh wait okay give it back and uh because now now i think we do do the sounds is that right you're not asking me are you no but you're asking me but if if I was, what would you want to say? Is it time to do the sounds? I mean, if the interview is over, I feel like for people who don't know my show, that only know your show,

I feel like this paints my show very poorly. I will say this. I don't think there are that many of those people. This thing is a runaway train i think we now have almost 100 overlap on listenership except you have some more uh and i so we what we are doing sean can i have that please and can you participate in the show a little bit i'm doing it by myself. And I was supposed to do the music, and you would do more of the talking. Jesus, don't cry.

Wait, hang on. I think I figured it out. It's time to do the sounds. This is what I was just talking about. We're not allowed to have music on the show anymore anyway. So, okay. What were you guys saying? Paul was saying that we were doing a bad painting.

A bad painting? Of his show. You know, a lot of people thought Picasso was a bad painting. So your point is, this is great. Because Picasso was great. Maybe it won't be appreciated until we cut our ears off or something. And I'll tell you what. That's one of the saddest things about being an artist. Cutting your ears off?

No. That nobody realizes how good you are until you go completely crazy. Let's figure out what's up. And you go crazy from being good. What are the different sounds? What are the different sounds for? One is the past. We know that.

I use sound effects on my show to move the story around in time. Past, present, and future, essentially. Okay. Past, present, future. And the past is the history and the future is the mystery. And that's why they call it today. To friends. The past is the history and the future is the mystery. That's right. And that's why they call it today. To friends.

So let's do what's a sound for the past? Well, I have an idea for one. Wait. Winning. That was in the past. I mean, it was in the past. Okay, good. So I have 15 sounds here.

It said it was going to be 100. What happened? I don't know. When it came up, there was only 15. And I can hit this green upgrade button, but I'm afraid of what's going to happen. Too much. Too much money. Epic fail.

Is there any time on the show where there's an epic fail where we couldn't use that? I mean, I suppose there are often epic fails on my show. But maybe they just seem like epic fails. I mean, a lot of people thought Picasso was doing epic fails. This is your one

reference. Oh, I don't know if that's true. Didn't I reference Imagine Dragons before? Yeah, I guess you did. that's true. Didn't I reference Imagine Dragons before? Yeah, I guess you did. A lot of these are insults. Okay, and I didn't say that. You're ugly, and you're ugly, and your mother ugly, and your sister ugly. You're just plain old ugly. Okay, that

one's not long enough. And I like a nice long sound effect. Oh, here's Kevin. Okay, and Kevin's got... Thank you, Kevin, for the candles now. Finally. It's a little late. And now the mood is a little more fitting.

Okay, so on my show, I like the lighting to be a little warmer. He wants it to feel like a bath. I have these candles that I put out on the table, and then we turn off the overhead lights, and so it's just a more relaxed. This is a good behind the scenes.

So a lot of people, a lot of podcasts, they want it to feel like a shower. But Paul would like it to feel like a bath. That's the chief difference. And you sort of get in the spot and you soak on in. Mm-hmm. And nice smells. What day is it? It's Monday, huh?

Comes out Monday? Comes out on Monday. That's, I think, a big part of it. And we have been talking about doing that. Scooping us. Actually doing ours on Monday as well. And then we'll see what happens. What day does yours come out?

Tuesday. So we will release it on Tuesday and then it'll come out again on Monday. The following Monday. Yes. So the new episode drops on Tuesday. Then reruns on Wednesday. But is it deleted and then re-uploaded for download? Yeah,

I think it would have to be. Or we would have to say we are in over our heads right now. This guy seems to understand the entire process. Because this is not my, I'm just, I'm on the creative. You're on his turf. You know what I mean? I am more on the creative side.

You just got in the water to fight with a shark. You know what I mean? Get him up on land with you. I think it's so interesting that it's so much about business to you and not as much about just like doing a funny show. Yes. You know what I mean? And the art of it.

You're so caught up. I also didn't give a fuck how much money it was. You know what I mean? It's the third time. All right, fine. Imagine Dragons. They don't do it for the money. Monday would be good.

They do it for the love of the sound. You know what I think is maybe an interesting key to this show? What's that? A lot of times on Mondays, people want to call in sick from work. They don't want to go to work.

But they need something that is going to make them barf. So they really can be sick to their boss on the phone. I'm not saying they could be barfing

because it's so funny. But it is. I barf from laughing. It is because it's making them barf. I barf from laughing. It is because it's making them barf. I barf from laughing before. Hollywood handbook. I feel like, you know, it was like one thing when, I don't know, I guess your feelings are hurt and you feel like I, when you were on my show, I guess I wasn't a good host.

Because this feels vindictive to me. Are you crazy? This is the best episode I've ever done. And we're helping you if you do the show again, which I said at the beginning. There's so many nice things I said that you can take some of the stuff that we're doing and you can use them on your version of the show if you do it again.

Paul, I made you a giant and us an ant when we were eating that pie before. I mean, that's pretty nice. And when we were eating that pie before. Yeah. I mean, that's pretty nice. And I said that it could be good barf. Could be barfing from funniness. It could be. I'm not, guys, this is insulting now that you think I'm that dumb that I can't see, I can't read between the lines,

and that that's not insulting. Like, obviously it's insulting. Let's do this. Tell us how it's insulting. Let's do this. Tell us how dumb you are. Hold on a second. Sean. Wait. Sean.

In the giant analogy, that also was negative. That wasn't like building me up to be a great guy. What do you mean? That was, you were implying that I'm taking as a giant. Like a selfish amount? Yes. Exactly. You want to be an ant?

No. I don't want to see us. You're going to get a huge tummy ache. It could probably explode. Careful what you wish for. So you're saying the ant would have the same size slice as the giant? Well, if you're the ant, because if you're taking all the podcast listeners. Well, here's now we get down to it.

I do remember that squish sound. Get used to it. That was us. It was just you saying the word squish. Yeah, squish. And that was us getting stepped on just you saying the word squish. Yeah, squish. And that was us getting stepped on by a giant. All right. What's next?

What's next? We're figuring out the sounds. We have the past one. Should we play a comedy bang bang game while we're here? No, hang on. Oh, no. There's an ad. Just while we're here?

Yeah, while we're waiting. I just got taken to the app store somehow. All right. Why would we play a comedy bang bang game? I don't know. You guys, this is all over the place. What am I doing here? Duh. Winning.

What's that, Cody? Are you doing your own sounds? No, that's the intro song for Would You Rather or something. It's a bang bang, comedy bang bang thing. Because they don't do those anymore. They don't even do them anymore. Yeah, so. Time for that an do those anymore. They don't even do them anymore. Yeah. No. It's not a problem. Time for the ants to come eat the scraps.

Well, and that's true. That is what ants do, because when somebody doesn't finish their sandwich or whatever, like comedy bang, bang is leaving a little sandwich on the table with these fun games, and the ants come in and come sniffing around. Right. Hell yeah! Move their little feelers. What's that sound for?

Crank it up. That could be the present. Okay. Because you're supposed to appreciate it. Uh-huh. Oh, and Cody, can you be looking up a location while we're doing this?

Yes, figure out a good, see if there's something I can't buzz. Not Kenya. Cody, will you Kenya buzz this? Just put the word location into safari or whatever. All right. How about Somalia? Somalia? Somalia?

Is that really the first hit? Is that so funny to you, Cody? Really nice, because there's actually problems over there. That's the future. Yeah. What's that, Maria Menounos? It's the future. Yeah. Okay. What's that? Maria Menounos is laughing.

It's the smartest animal. See, and that is another reference he could do. Yeah. I just referenced a laugh. Okay. So, all right. And he's got two more. Does she have a famous laugh?

Huh? Is she famous for her laugh, Maria Menounos? Maria Menounos? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Asked and answered. Epic fail. That's the present? Yeah. Yeah. Okay, ask and answer. Epic fail.

That's the present? Yeah, because you walk right into my trap. That's the present. Okay, what's a new location? What's a new location? And not one that's so funny to you because people are sick or whatever? All right. He's laughing his butt off.

They don't have enough food and he's laughing. You know what's funny to me? Spots. Not people hurting. Talk about the time you barf from funniness. Okay. This is one of the famous stories. I didn't have room for it on your show.

This is while Cody finds a location. Well, it's sort of an interesting story because I was eating just so much eggplant. Please don't make a joke about the eggplant emoji. No one did. Please don't. But the face you make emoji. No one did. Please don't. But the face you make, Paul, is a – When you're getting very excited. I feel like my face is perfectly neutral.

You got – and this guy started licking his chops. It's all riled up. You can't see this, but he was licking his chops. Like, I'm going to really nail this guy. But the truth is – and I can't – and if you want to make the emoji joke, you can. I can't do anything about it. Because the truth is, and if you want to make the emoji joke, you can. I can't do anything about it. Because the truth is that I was eating so much

eggplant. How much? 100 pounds. You're saying in one sitting? Yeah. Okay. But I'm glad you asked because it's a special chair. What? You could sit in it's a special chair. What?

You could sit in it for a long time because you did sniff out. That's a lot to eat in one sitting. You know how in a lot of chairs you're kind of slipping off it? Yeah. You're just kind of very slowly sliding off. This one you're strapped in, and you're sometimes upside down, and it was the Batman ride. So you're on the Batman ride.

You're eating 100 pounds of eggplant. Yeah. And I start thinking of this joke that I heard from Hayes the other day. So while you're on the Batman ride, you're eating 100 pounds of eggplant. Your mind drifted to a joke that Hayes made. I'm remembering this. Is that so crazy? Yeah.

I didn't say it was crazy. I'm just trying to keep the story straight. It's a funny joke. I'm trying to keep the story. Oh, wait. Is it a joke or did this really happen? No, my joke that he's thinking. Oh, okay.

All right. I'm sorry. That Hayes made. What was it? I have no idea. I have no idea. I don't even have an area for it. Sometimes, you know, I can't think of the exact joke, but I know it was

something about X. It was, you know, making fun of Y. It was an observation of Z. But at the time, you remembered what joke it was. No. I merely remembered that Hayes, to my recollection,

had made a joke. The idea of funniness. Right. That, yes, that concept to me of Hayes just out here, you know, the noble puncher shadowboxing against the darkness of depression with his feints and parries

of humor, really buoyed my spirits. And I just laughed until I threw up. So you asked, Hayes, you asked, when did you barf from funniness? You asked, Hayes, you asked, when did you barf from funniness? And your response is, when you're eating 100 pounds of eggplant on the Batman ride, and you remembered that Hayes made a joke. Paul, I mean, I feel like I know where you're going with this. Do you? You probably think that throwing up had more to do with trying to eat 100 pounds of eggplant on the Batman ride

than with remembering a nonspecific joke. Yes, that is exactly what I was thinking. Wow. Jealous. Okay, I'll tell the story again. I was eating 100 pounds of eggplant on the Batman ride, and I remembered a joke that Paul told. Oh, so I'm jealous because you were thinking of Hayes and not me. Because it was Hayes making a joke.

And I understand that you do that, too. That's why we have you on. That's why we're stealing your show, doing your show. All right, what's next? The sounds. A location. Hang on, I'm in the app store. Do we get a new location?

Have you been back in the app store this whole time? A big part of this app is little journeys to the app store. Back to the app store to try other apps, which I appreciate. Some of these apps only want me to do their app. This app has other apps that I could try. Thank you. Okay. Epic fail.

No, sorry. That was an accident. That was not an epic fail. Hell yeah! Good. Good. Do you want a location? Yes.

Please. France. Good one. Great. Mr. Picasso, what a beautiful painting. At least I think so, but who am I? Just a peasant. Are we doing –

We're in a present. Thank you. I pay for my meals with these drawings that I make. Okay. I'm Picasso. Right. No. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Of course. Um, okay. This meal to try. Um, Oh my God.

Could I have a piece? What? You want a piece of my meal? For the meal? Yeah. Can I have a piece? I'm afraid you a piece of my meal? I'm afraid you must make your own drawing. What could it be of? When you are the

artist, you may make the drawing that you wish. Whatever you can think of in your imagination. Right, yes right yes yes perfect um never mind okay well thanks for stopping by my

winning now it's before we're in the past now I'm Picasso's mom okay mother Now it's before. We're in the past now. I'm Picasso's mom. Okay. Mother, hello. I'm about to go to a restaurant.

Okay. Okay. No. You're going to eat lunch at home. But mom's making lunch. I'm mom. I'm making lunch. Knock, knock. Oh, mother, there's someone at the door, it appears.

Shall I answer it? I'll just go ahead and do it. Hello. Welcome to the Picasso home. Mother, an owl has gotten into the door. Okay. Grab the broom and we will shoo it out. What about lunch?

We were doing this whole thing about lunch no sorry sorry I had stuff for that nobody better cook me mother of the owl it speaks

yeah right because that's plays into the lunch okay go forward go forward that's not the stuff I had

go forward to after lunch and then say what say what happened. Okay. Hang on. I'm in the after. Why don't you leave your phone unlocked? Turn off the lock.

Or at least do the- We already ate lunch. What a delicious owl you have cooked. Thank you, mother. Wait. If he never went to the restaurant, then what were we seeing before? I think I shall go to the restaurant tomorrow. Okay.

That's pretty good. Okay. Who else is good to be? Oh! Father! Sarkozy? You have awakened from your... Sarkozy.

Yeah, I'm going to be Sarkozy. Hayes does a great Sarkozy. Okay. Sarkozy. Yeah, because France. Yeah, I'm going to be Sarkozy. Hayes does a great Sarkozy. Mm-hmm. Okay. Ah. The stuff I have him do is, what is it? It's a lot of cheating. Look at this little boy. But they already ate lunch.

I'm Pablo Picasso. Somebody better fix that tower. Look at this tiny child. Wait, already ate lunch. I'm Pablo Picasso. Somebody better fix that tower. Look at this tiny child. Wait, hang on, hang on, hang on. That tower's leaning over. It's going to fall. Who are you, sir? Just a concerned citizen.

How did you come to be in the home of my family? I woke up like this. Right, Instagram? I'm so glad I could move my mother to France to live with me. Right, right. Bonjour. Bonjour. So now it is lunch again tomorrow.

And so Sarkozy is there, and he says, my favorite part of this cheese is the smell. The cheese over there? Sometimes very smelly. Oh, good. But he likes it. You have smelled all of the cheese, and now I have no desire to eat it. Because you are like a truffle hunting pig who runs his snout

over all the cheeses. It's me, Ratatouille. What? A talking rat has gotten into our house, mother. I shouldn't have done that. So, um, so I'm not Ratatouille. I'm, um, oh. Hang on, hang on. Jerry Lewis?

Isn't that like a... Sorry, I'm going back and then forward again. Do you have to call do-over? To the beginning of lunch. Oh, squish. Me, Jerry Lewis. Hello, Jerry Lewis. Hi.

It's me, Pablo Picasso. Hey. Okay, so? So what? Just saying hello, I guess. Yeah, I guess so. That failed. So I think there were a couple issues with that.

Yeah. One, the location. Yeah. It's over? Well, if we want to do it again, we can. We can. I'm good. We should maybe do it again, but the location was problematic for sure.

France. There's just ultimately not a lot there. Yeah. As you are sort of feeling it out. Yeah. There's just not a lot of, it's another box. It is kind of limiting you. No, you do end up in a box.

You felt like France was too specific and it didn't give you enough room to roam. Well, we ended up sort of getting through everything very fast with Picasso and Ratatouille and Sarkozy and the cheese and the tower. And now we've barely started and we're kind of done. and we're kind of done. And I felt that one of the improvisers was hostile and was mean and nasty and mad and made me feel small and made me feel bad and was mean and was mad at me. Okay, so of the three of us, whom would you be speaking of?

I can say, for me personally, I was not mad. Okay. That's helpful. I was trying to help other people do the show. Ultimately, the location ended up being very limiting in that respect. But I was definitely not mad.

It's nearly impossible. The task was insurmountable. It was so challenging because the location was basically nothing. Like it's nowhere. The location may as well have been a box. Here's a location, empty box. Why don't we do that? I mean, we could try that.

Okay. All right. So I have to what how do I reset this before we start I'm just going to say as an improviser I'm going to be supporting everyone and we don't all have to say it but I'm going to be supporting everyone

I'm going to be doing that also I feel that I was supportive and I felt like I was going along with everything that I was given and trying to heighten the scenes and be a team player. There was something that happened. I forget who did this, but I was saying about the smell of the—that I liked the smell of the cheese. And you said that because I smelled the cheese that you didn't want to eat it anymore. Right.

I thought that was a funny thing for. Right. But for me, I'm hearing that, you know, and I'm saying like, like it's, it's rude to me because I'm talking about how much I like the cheese and you're saying, oh, you like it so much that I don't want to eat it. I wasn't in that scene. So I'll just talk about what I saw. Oh, go ahead.

Thank you. This would actually really help, but you go ahead. But then Sean is going to talk about what he saw. But I thought we were being characters, and you're saying you were personally offended. That's exactly what I'm saying. That when you were pretending to be Nicholas Sarkozy, not a contemporary of Picasso's, by the way. Did you realize that? I think that's funny.

I mean, and that's another, you know, and that actually. Immediately, yes. And let me say, questions are thieves and statements are gifts. What does that mean? Just if we're asking, like, why is Nicolas Sarkozy, like, in the same, you know, room as Picasso, then we're suddenly, like, stealing from the audience the ability to fill in these curious— But we could have stated in a fun way how they came to be in the same room together do you see

but instead we got caught up in this argument over instead I don't remember who did it you not wanting to eat the cheese no I don't remember

who did what but I remember being really fucking jazzed on this idea that the guy was smelling cheese right and I remember being

pretty juiced up and ready to shoot through the ceiling and straight out the roof because I was going to be laughing so hard at him liking the cheese, which is famously kind of stinky. But he likes the smell. And I remember...

And I actually think I explained that. Yes. You did. I remember someone saying something afterwards and getting pretty deflated and kind of wanting to just crawl under the table and go to sleep. Right. Okay. So I guess I'm confused as to why you would take that personally as if I'm, there's no,

there's not even any cheese here. I'm remembering something else, and I'm remembering... Yeah? That one of the guys was being nice, and I don't remember who went next. But that he was being mean, trying to basically, through improv choice, beat up the other guy.

In a country where what we really need right now is probably to just support each other and be friends. All right. Well, I'm sorry. And we don't, like, yes. Okay. Let me just say,

I'm very sorry if my being too aggressive. Oh, what? It would be really nice if we could come, like, figure out ways to come together on some of these things today,

like the way we live now. Right. So if I started by saying I'm sorry, does that help at all? Will that help us get past this? I don't know what your apology is. Yeah, and I don't know if this is the character still, but that helps me. And are we inside the box now? I don't.

Yeah, I have to go back. Oh, my God. You have to unlock it every time? Squish. Yeah, I have to go back oh my god you have to unlock it every time squish yeah I have to sorry at least set up the thumb thing where you can just

it'll be faster Hayes is afraid somebody's gonna cut his hand off winning winning winning I'd have to go back far enough winning

winning winning he thinks that someone will chop his hand off if they because and use it to he says if they can't use your thumb then the worst they can do is take your mind.

If they can't use your thumb, the worst they can do is take your mind. Because the code lives in your mind. Right. And so if there's a criminal type situation where they put his brain into Kevin Costner's body or whatever, that's okay with him because you're not experiencing the pain of losing your hand. Well, I haven't seen that movie, but it's a painless procedure? So the movie opens with a helicopter shot. Shut up!

Zooming in. Oh, sorry. I did not mean to do that. That's fine. Okay. That's fine. I didn't even hear what it said. Good.

A helicopter shot zooming in. Sean, never ask. Okay? Never ask what it said. Zooming in on... Sean, never ask. Okay? Never ask what it said. Zooming in on Kevin Costner's head. Uh-huh. A helicopter shot zooming in on Kevin Costner's head? From like Antarctica.

And it comes in and gets in close on his forehead. Is he in Antarctica? And then his VO comes in and he goes, They messed with my brain. That's the first line. What's the name of that movie again? Criminal. And Antarctica could be a good location.

Yeah, I think there's too much there. So the opposite of a box. The empty box to me. Okay, let's do the empty box. Let's get creative. And it was also a suggestion of our friend Paul, who we want to kind of teach him,

hey, supporting each other in some of these ideas can be pretty fun. You know what I've started doing is asking Twitter for locations. If you want to do that and make engagement. Engagement opportunity. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Okay. And that's going to be. Okay.

Hey, what did that sound bite say when I was telling my story about criminal? Huh? Sean, honestly, for your own good, do not ask that question. Okay? I could tell you, Sean. No, Sean. If you want to know, I could tell you. Sean, just for.

Do you want to know what it said? I promise you don't want to know. I can tell you. Sean, just for... Do you want to know what it said? I promise you don't want to know. I can tell you. I heard it loud and clear. You're much better off not knowing. I'd be happy to tell you. Okay, well, I typed location into Twitter. And one of the top

tweets regarding location is from greenrush.com at joingreenrush. Order your 420 boxes now and pick them up at either at Harvest Shop's location in San Francisco, California. Ball, ball. So we could be at Harvest Shop's on 420. An empty box that somebody smoked all the weed out of.

They smoked a box. Okay, that's not – I don't type the word location into Twitter. No, I see – you don't have to show me. I can see it. word location into Twitter. No, I see. You don't have to show me. I can see it. It's already empty. What I do is I ask the listeners for a location. I don't just type the word location into the Twitter search.

I see. It says 420. Yeah, I see it's pot. I get it. Buds. I get it. I get it. So what do you want to do here, guys?

What are we doing? Look at those buds. Those have to be kind buds, right? You're both on your phones right now. Those have to be kind buds, right? You're both on your phones right now. They have to be kind buds. How else am I going to do the sounds? Now I'm not allowed to do the sounds at all? No, do the sounds.

Do the sounds. Looks like they got those little hairs in them. I don't know what we're doing right now. I love the hairs. Yes, and the crystals. The sticky hairs. The little orange hairs. That looks like kind buds. Okay, let's do the empty box. Yes, and the crystals. The sticky hairs. The little orange hairs. That looks like kind buds.

Okay, let's do the empty box. Ready? Yeah. Okay. Let's go. We have not heard that noise before. What is that? I said let's go.

Let's go? Oh, okay. Let's go. How do we decide who starts? Okay. Can I ask Twitter? Hey, how do you think we ended up in this empty box? Okay, I guess Paul's going to go.

All right, Paul starts. Hi, my name is Steve. Okay, that's good. That's good, that's good. What's your name is Steve. Okay, that's good. That's good, that's good. What's your name? Steve. Your name's also Steve? Yeah.

What a coincidence. What a coincidence. I don't know how we ended up here in this box. I remember going to sleep and – I was sleeping, yeah. I'm from Maine. Where are you from? The Maine.

The Maine? The Maine what? The Maine part, yeah. The Maine part of – Where did you – what did you say? why are you you're sweating like crazy I don't feel very well

what's I'm scared I'm gonna come in I'm gonna come in please please please don't don't mind me just painting the box

I'm a famous... Right? What's your name? You look familiar to me. Yes, yes. I'm a famous painter. Pablo Picasso, what are you doing here? Hello! Yes.

I was sleeping. And then you woke up in this box? Yeah. I'm Steve. i'm also steve okay all right and you guys are uh what kind of paintings do you like to do well i'm funnily enough i'm a house painter so i don't do artistic painting but i paint houses maybe that's what we have in common. Steve? Paintbrush.

Are you a painter of any kind? Yeah, yeah. Right? Prane. Prane. Main painter. Go back. Just go back a little bit off the prane thing. Prane.

Mantis. No, I'm saying don't do that. Go back before that. Yes. House painter. Steve, what's the last thing you can remember before waking up in the box? And then hit the past. Hit the sound. Oh my God. Damn it. I'm doing it.

There's like four different ways. Excuse me. I think the sound. Okay, but I got to say. Talk over the sound. They're not going to know. There's four different ways that you could prevent your phone.

I'm so sorry. That seemed like an accident. I didn't mean to do that. That wasn't what you played before. No, no, no. Don't even ask about what that was. Don't even ask about what that was. Ask me, Sean. Don't even ask me.

Paul? Yeah. And also what we were saying before is... Was that the sound that got me? If you remember... Yeah, it was. No, just hang on. It was.

It was the sound shut up. Haze? No, sorry. We're doing the pause. What's the pause? Silence, Earthling. That actually is pretty good. And so remember what John was saying before about how questions are actually stealers?

Thieves, I think, was the word. Yeah. Thieves are stealers. What do you think they do you're right stealers yeah the pittsburgh thieves and uh and you said uh statements are gifts that's why they call it the present and you were saying before what's the last thing you remember before you get in the box instead of saying giving sean something to go off hey the last thing you remember before you got in the box is like is was this what's something to go off of. The last thing you remember before you got in the box was this.

What's the last thing, Sean, what's the last thing you remember before Hayes went into that explanation? Do you remember you asking what the sound was that he played? Oh, yeah. And then you remember me telling you? Oh, yeah. But questions are stealers. What was it? Do you remember? I know Sean

doesn't want to ask that question. You remember what I said, right? Yeah. You remember what I said, right? Yeah. You remember what I said. Yeah. You told me that your name was Steve. No. And then you, okay.

But you said- You did say- You wanted to know what- You wanted to know what sound Hayes played. Yes. And I told you. Right. And that sound was...

Tell me the sound. Because you heard it. I think it was the shut up sound. Yeah. You're right, it was. And that makes you feel what? Hang on, we're going back. Let me feel it a little bit. Duh. Winning. Duh. Winning. Duh.

Winning. Duh. Winning. So now it's back before that conversation happened. Okay. And that makes everything okay? Well, what? It makes what okay? I don't know. Sean seems to be a little bummed out.

This is Steve. Sean, we are in a scene right now. Oh, we're still in the scene? Yes. Sean is this character he has created, Steve. We could be going off some of Sean's ideas here. We're still in the scene? Yes. Sean is this character he has created, Steve. We could be going off some of Sean's ideas here. So as we're in the box and you're Pablo Picasso and you're explaining that Sean said questions are stealers and statements are presence, then that was all in the scene? Well, Picasso knows Sean.

I've been in the scene the whole time. Yes. Everything I've said has been in the scene. Except for the stuff that we undid. No. I'm telling you, it's all been in the scene the whole time. Yes. Everything I've said has been in the scene. Except for the stuff that we undid. No. I'm telling you, it's all been in the scene. So let's keep working with it. Okay.

Steve here. Hey, Steve. Had some interesting ideas. He's a house painter. Just like me. He was sleeping before. Just like me. From the main part of Maine.

Yeah, Maine. What's the last thing you remember, Steve, before you woke up here in the box? That I felt small like an ant. And not big like a giant? No. And what made you feel so small? Maybe the way somebody treated me.

I thought maybe it was a friend, and maybe what they are is like fake friend. Sean. Okay. Steve. Steve. I didn't want to play this for you but because

I didn't want to make you nervous about how I really feel about you but because I did play that tone and it was an accident and I didn't want to make you nervous about how I really feel about you. But because I did play that sound, and it was an accident. And I didn't mean to play that sound. And this is, I am Pablo Picasso. But I want to play for you the sound that is really the Steve sound for me. But I'm really talking about you, Sean. This is, actually, I'm really talking about you.

Okay? Oh, Sean. This is, I'm really, this is, actually, I'm really talking about you. Okay. Oh, yeah. Now, how does that make you feel? Pretty charged up, fired up. Big like a giant, probably. Probably ready to blast off through the ceiling. so isn't that nice yeah yeah

it's good and now other Steve maybe you say something I'm other Steve I was the first Steve Steve too the doubt I say something in response to what Other Steve? Who's the first Steve? Steve, too. The Dow. I say something in response to what?

The Dow of Steve. That he feels charged up, ready to fly through the ceiling? Yeah. Paul, we promised two more references in this show for me. One's the Dow of Steve. So there's one reference remaining? One more left, yeah. Hey, Steve, if you're charged up, ready to fly through the ceiling,

maybe we could hang on to you and you can blast us out of this box. The Challenger. Bye. I'm a horny girl wolf. has been an earwolf production executive produced by Scott Aukerman Colin Anderson and Chris Bannon for more information and content visit earwolf.com that was a hate gun podcast