Hollywood Handbook - Dom, The Scuzzman, and the Commenter Hunt

Episode Date: August 1, 2017

Sean catches up with his former writing partner DOMINIC DIERKES and Dom's new partner THE SCUZZMAN. Then Hayes calls in from out of town. This episode is sponsored by Blue Apron (www.blueapron.com/handbook) and Chapman University (www.chapman.edu/grad).See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a Head Schumann. And we're getting into it. We're getting hot and heavy. And I start to go, you know, Neve, you don't look much like your audition tape. And he's like starts covering going like, oh, yeah, well, you know, people look different person all the time, you know. And I'm going, I think you sent me a different tape, like a picture of someone else. And pretend that's you. And Neve is going like, that doesn't happen, does it? And I'm going like, well, I think that does happen.

I think you did it. And I think the story of people doing that might be a good idea for a fake movie and a fake TV show. And then he goes, oh, I don't think that would work. Really? Flash forward. Catfish. Yeah. Oh.

You just, wow, that's how that got going. And from wild things while I was making out with them and we were, you know, touching each other. And it was the big scene, right? The main scene. The famous scene that we all think of. Yeah. You know the one.

Courtroom. Where I'm teaching. Oh, yes. Oh, okay, yeah, there's a couple different scenes, I guess. I'm like teaching a class, like a basket weaving class. Denise is there. She's struggling a little bit to get the weave correct. It's a really tough wicker.

Then Neve, of course, is a natural. I'm going, Neve, why don't you show Denise how you did it? Then I go, now show her on me. And then I go, now I'll show on you. And then we all start, you know, doing the deed, right? Weaving baskets. Weaving baskets. Okay, well, welcome to Hollywood Hamburger Insider Guide.

Kick, butt, drop, name, the red carpet, line, by hallway, the industry. We call it show business. What up, what up? This is the Hollywood Handbook. Sean Clemons and Hayes Davenport, as always, is busy doing something else. So we're going to get him on the phone. But right now, we've got some good guests, some guests you probably recognize their voices already. We are here with the Skuzz man and my former writing partner, uh, Dominic Dirkus.

And Dom, how's everything been? And I'm sorry that I dropped your ass and that I ditched your ass. Uh, no, everything's been okay. I mean, it's good to see you. We, we haven't, we don't actually see each other as often as we used to. Well, it's good to be seen when you look like me. And, and, and I'm sorry that I ditched your ass, dropped your ass and, uh, and that I had to toss you in the dumpster.

And, uh, you understand why that happened, right? I do understand why it happened. I wish that it had been executed in a different way. Not in front of your family? Not in front of my family. You invited my family to the office. You said, bring them by the office. We can show them the sets.

We can show them where we write. Well, I staged it as like it was going to be a surprise party. That's what I told your family. And then I was like, and, the surprises you're fucking fired. And, uh,

and the party is, uh, I'm going to have it alone when you guys get out of here. Just me, Neve Schulman and Denise Richards. Yeah, that's right. And,

and I guess that's what I took issue with at the time. I, there was a lot of anger, but I've actually been, um, I've been good. Things have been really good. You're with this clown.

You're hanging with this guy. Yeah. I found a new writing partner. He's been really good. Yeah, you're with this clown. You're hanging with the Scuzzman. Yeah, I found a new writing partner. Yeah, he's been real good, okay? Oh, yeah. He's upgraded. Okay, and I don't need to get into that, whether the Scuzzman's a better writing partner than me, or I'm better than him. I don't think that's...

I try not to compare, honestly. I just kind of think about my experience in this, you know, because the Scuzzman, I feel like his... You guys just work very differently. Yeah yeah i bet i bet yeah right i work uh in hollywood and he works uh somewhere you know on the beach abandoned bus in long beach yeah yeah yeah we've been having good times in that bus right we have it's been hot it's been hot at times but uh yeah i have the heat on now the scuzzbuzz twitter went down for a couple months uh i assume that was due to some sort of incarceration yes uh yeah i uh i uh went to jail

for a couple of uh months because of check fraud oh okay i was uh forging uh a lot of checks and then they got me. Yeah. How'd they get you? Well, they just came to the bus and they saw all the equipment that I had. You had all your check equipment out. Yeah, well the beach cop that came to the bus, he was just like,

well first off he was like, you can't have your bus here. Which they do, which I have to fight all the time. And then he just found all the bunch of like, you can't have your bus here. Yeah, but he says that every day. Which I have to fight all the time. And then he just found all the bunch of, like, you know, the X-Acto knives and checks that I had lying around. He was like, you're getting booked. Beach cops always have their eye out for check fraud, you know? Well, that's the primary. That's the beach crime that you're going to find most of the time.

Right. People think it's, you know, stealing wallets out of people's shoes. They forget to tuck it all the way in the front of the shoe. Yeah. People think that it is stealing wave runners, stealing sea dues, stealing boats. Pulling tops down. Pulling tops down. Scuzz man.

Oh, there we go. Amen. Straight up shark and chicks. That's what the scuzz man's known for. But none of those crimes actually happen. The one thing that does happen on the beach is people are writing bad checks to the sort of fruit vendors and stuff. And the scuzz man

can testify to that and has had to testify. Oh yeah, you've had to. You had a whole trial. Yeah, because you pled not guilty and you went to trial but they had you dead to rights talk about some of the celebrity character witnesses that came to your trial oh yeah a lot of people you had worked with came out just to talk in support of your character oh yeah well uh um i mean i was there but i'm not a celebrity yeah no you were there thank you for that thank you for being no problem really helped uh robert duvall was there robert duvall was there but i'm not a celebrity yeah no you were there thank you for that thank you for being no problem really helped uh robert duvall was there robert duvall was there josh radner right josh radner of course the rad man um you know uh jonas nick jonas was there

joe actually turned you down cold joe i'm not coming yeah you don't want me to say what i'm gonna say i tried to get all three of them and'm not coming. You don't want me to say what I'm going to say. I tried to get all three of them, and they were like, no, we don't do that anymore. Even the bonus Jonas? Yeah, bonus Jonas. Well, this is all well and good, but you've said that Scuzzman has a little bit of a different work style than I do. Yeah. And talk a little bit about that, because I'm just curious.

I'm always curious about people's process. That's part of what we do on this show is we talk about the process. We're translucent about the industry. Yeah. So I guess, like I said, not to compare quality-wise, but from my experience, I find that when I write with Scuzzman, a lot more of the stuff that I was kind of pitching and saying should maybe be in the script winds up in the script. He kind of takes my thoughts and I feel like, I feel like I watch you consider them and then, you know, give them kind of a thoughtful response.

How does he get your thoughts? Like, how does he, how do they get to him? Well, he will say, what do you think about this? And that's just, the first time he said that, I mean, you remember when you said, what do you, I said, all right, time to write. And I immediately kind of, I sat down at the computer and i did the kind of like rigid uh posture that you taught me but shouldn't he be telling you what you think about it no that that's not his that's not your way excuse me and you said you said that right

you said writing is collaboration is something that he said. Well, tell me he at least has forced you to maintain the posture. It took me a while to actually feel comfortable not maintaining the posture because you had that kind of brace that you used to kind of teach me how to sit up. And so I kind of got used to that. But then also, like, he doesn't wrap my knuckles with a ruler. The most common letter in the English language is the letter S. It's the most popular letter. Uh-huh.

And so. I know this. If you want to write something popular, maybe you should be shaped like an S. And so that's what I would do to my writing partner, Dominic, because I would put him in this brace that sort of contorted his body into an S shape to allow him to write from the standpoint of the letter that people most want to see. And that logic made sense to me at the time. Like I truly sort of making sense to me a little bit. Yeah.

I'll kind of, because man, I don't want to, I don't want to go back to that. I really, and it's, it's, I don't know.

It's because, don't give him the brace. It's a, it's a respect. It's, it's a, and also just, we've been, I don't know. Don't give him the brace. It's a respect. And also just we've been splitting the paychecks. We actually sold a show recently. Oh, yeah. Oh, that's cute.

We sold a beach comedy. Where? Frigging Scoo-Stoo or Scabida or Netflix or one of these uh fake channels uh it's uh it's uh amazon was it amazon yeah it was amazon oh yeah the one right next to my freaking groceries uh-huh uh well no they do they do shows as well i get my groceries and then i freaking order uh the scuzz man uh special uh is that what i'm doing? You can. You can. Yes, that's, yeah, you happen to hit on a product. You can get that there. You can get a lot of Scuzzman products on Amazon.

Well, let's talk a little bit about your brand. You've been expanding it. What are some of the latest Scuzzman products that you're rolling out? I know Scuzzman paper towels have done very well for you. The paper towels have been a big hit. They're super absorbent. Well, and I can describe this to everyone. It's a beach towel that looks like a sheet of notebook paper.

Yeah. So paper towels, sort of a clever name. But I think people are accidentally ordering them in bulk, thinking that they're getting rolls of paper towels. Well, and instead you get a big beach towel that looks like just wide-ruled paper from grammar school. Yeah, and it is paper. It is that.

That's right. It's thin, too. It's paper. It is a beach towel that's made out of paper. But you can get a bunch of them, and then you have a bunch of paper towels lying around. Yeah, it's just – Yeah. It's a confusing way to say it but yeah i i get that so that's that that's done a lot for you they're flying off the shelves i'll tell you that much the scuzzman brand has been helpful like because

when we go into meetings to pitch you know and we've been like trying to like sell shows like we would do sometimes sean yeah i find. I find that with Scuzzman, you kind of go in there with a cool energy. You're greeting the people. The kind of executives seem to like your personality. You're warm. When I would go into pitch with Sean... First mistake.

First mistake. Handing out beers. Sean walks in with a newspaper, and he sits in the corner, and he opens up the newspaper and starts reading it. I read the whole thing. I read the whole damn thing. It's like the Wall Street Journal.

It's like a very thick kind of newspaper. And if they're still there when I'm done, I fold it up quietly, and I say, let's do this again sometime. And I leave. And meanwhile, I have a suitcase in my lap. He wants me to sit on their couch and have a suitcase in my lap and not open it and just kind of wait. It's a weird—it never felt good.

Leaving those pitches never felt like they got a clean idea of what the show was. Why wouldn't you guys do it? Why didn't you just tell them, give them the show? Well, Scuzzman does kind of a funny bit that he does at every meeting we have. You just kind of take over the office a little bit. You go oh is this my desk and then you kind of start rummaging around in the desk you uh you kick your feet up on it right i pick up like stuff on the on the desk and i like my like you know just like like put it in front of my my my tits and just yeah like you'll take pictures of their like kids and wife yeah put can take pictures of their kids and wife and put them on their tits.

And they'll be like, oh man, I'm cheating on you or your wife is cheating on you with me. With my tits, yeah. With my tits, yeah. Yeah, and they love it.

It goes over. Yeah, it goes over pretty good. Whoa. Oh wow, what's that music? Oh shit. Oh no, are we getting, we're expecting a business call

on a Saturday because we have like a kind of cool competitive bidding situation. Who is it? Amazon, the frigging grocery man? It's my Amazon sales agent. And, well, she's just probably telling me to like start making more of those paper towels. Yeah, they call you up and they go, hey, man, get to work. We're seeing a lot of sales.

Okay, so you frig uh are pretending you maybe sold the show and then what else are you saying you're working on a movie or something um oh yeah oh yeah oh yeah we got a couple movies uh movie ideas another beach comedy uh we really have that's the other thing too we're kind of staying in a niche i feel like uh i feel like with us we were always having a lot of different genres we'd have a western we'd have a horror thing we'd have you know because you want to spread it around. I'm playing roulette, baby. That's right. You always had that wheel

that we'd have to spin to see what genre our next project would be. Well, I don't know. I like that idea, too. Scuzzman, I'm not bringing these ideas up so that you integrate them into our partnership. You know I'm a gambler. I do know you're a gambler.

Scuzzman, that is the one thing that's also different is in like – because when we get paid for selling a show or something, we actually kind of split the check down the middle between the two of us. Yeah, you said that before. But how then does Scuzzman get 80%? That's what I'm saying I guess is that he doesn't get 80%. He gets 50%, and I get 50%. It feels like we're talking past each other.

Well, and I learned a couple things about the Writers Guild, too, is that there is no such thing as a partnership tax. Like there's not a 10% writing partnership tax. Man, you don't want to mess around with that cult. The Writers Guild? Oh, that's a goddamn cult, man. Sure, yeah, I guess. You know, everybody there is like obsessed with like,

we all have the same rules. It's like you want to be in the frigging my guild. Are you starting your own writers union? I'm trying to, yeah. Yeah, okay. So far it's me, Charlton Heston, and we're looking. We've got some prospects for some other dudes. How's Charlton?

Or chicks. Okay, so you're open to chicks. Yeah. Do you have health insurance? Okay, well, that's a great question, and it's a complicated one. We had something lined up that very recently fell through. Okay. We had like a really promising healthcare thing that we were counting on and just went belly up at the last minute, you know.

Oh, okay. I think I've heard something. Yeah, all right. Yeah, kind of got hit with the rope-a-dope a little bit by somebody. You were on that side of that. But we're still fighting. Sure. Yeah, fight the good fight.

Yes, absolutely, absolutely. It's a setback, but we're not defeated. No, you have to persist. I need health insurance. Yes, you declined the Writer's Guild health insurance. I declined it. He declined it outright. Because it didn't cover your particular disorder.

And like you said, you're a gambler. But yeah, your disorder is very specific. It's actually not like – it's kind of a – it's a lot of different symptoms. Yeah. Well, I mean my understanding of it as I know – I've obviously run some tests on Scuzzman. We're all very fascinated by what's going on with him. Oh, you sent those samples over? There's a lot of sand in his blood.

Yeah. I think there's something. The Scuzz bus has some sort of ventilation system that lets a lot of the sand in. He's breathing so much in in his sleep that it gets absorbed into his bloodstream. Yeah. Somehow the sand is making its way to his, from his lungs into his bloodstream. It's becoming like a, yeah, well it's a short trip to the heart from there. And then, and you know, that'll basically blast it anywhere.

And so, uh, that sand is really, it's going to, it's going to kill me, but I got, but I love it too much. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I love it. The curse of the beach, yeah, yeah. I love it. The curse of the beach. So you guys, yeah, you've sold multiple beach movies and multiple beach television shows,

and I couldn't be happier for you, and I'm actually doing really good too. Yeah, how's it going for you? It's so good. Well, the healthcare thing was a setback, and Charlton's not doing well either. Yeah, I was going to say, how's he holding up? It's not good. Okay. But I have lined up an idea for a web series that is going to completely disrupt the industry.

Oh, wow. It's so disruptive. That's interesting. It's a web series, but it's also an app. Okay. But it's also like an instrument.

It's an instrument. Yeah. So is it interactive? Am I like playing, like, how is it an instrument, I guess? That's the part

I have trouble seeing. Have you ever seen when the new girl will play the ukulele? Oh, sure. Of course. Yeah. Okay.

On YouTube. So I'm sort of doing that. And you can play the ukulele that I'm playing. And I'm singing like a song. Okay. So the show I'm seeing, just so I'm clear, what I'm seeing is you with a ukulele in your hand. Well, it's an app. I'm sorry.

Yes, it's an app. And in the app, I'm looking at a video of you playing the ukulele. And then I'm – I'm playing like I'm Yours by Jason Mraz. Oh, it's an app and in the app I'm looking at a video of you playing the ukulele and then I'm playing like I'm Yours by Jason Mraz That's kind of a cute plucky song It's a great song It's on cassette

Were you done done me? And so then I can pluck in the app I can pluck in the app and that will make you pluck the strings? Yeah, so you can start touching the strings during what is a very funny, cool web series. And it's just an idea right now. We're in the early stages.

But you can touch the strings and make them make a different noise to ruin the song while you're opening the app. It's not compatible with any phones that we currently have. Sure. But I think phones are always changing. It's not compatible with any phones that we currently have. Sure. But I think phones are always changing. That's right. And so it'll also be a series you can watch on the web through your app that's not phone-based as of yet. Okay. And I do not have the rights to that song.

Oh, that's unfortunate. Or any song. You have the rights to that song. Oh, that's unfortunate. Or any song. But I've got kind of a sound-alike idea where I just change like every fifth word. That's not bad. And keep the notes the same?

Can't do the notes. That, I've gone down that road and I had the same idea. I'm happy you said that because I felt silly when they made me seem like I'm an idiot. No, you can't keep the notes the same. But I had the same question. Can I keep the notes the same? Just change the word. Yeah. But my thing was like, well, the notes are going to change anyway when people start using this app and ruining the song while I play it. But they were like, that doesn't matter. Do you know what the web series is going to be about that I'm watching while all this kind of ukulele stuff is happening?

Yeah. Me and my buddies are trying to get laid, trying to make it in L.A. Oh, that's cool. Yeah, looking for love on the east side. We've been thinking of, oh, the east side, yeah. You know, we've been on the east side of Los Angeles just thinking, like, there's so many locations that, like, would be so cool to film. Oh, yeah, absolutely. Well, me and my young buddies always have these crazy dating stories. Yes. Silver Lake is, like, absolutely. Well, me and my young buddies always have these crazy dating stories. Yes.

Silver Lake is like my playground. Yeah, it's a hotbed for all those guys, all those guys and their dates. Yeah. You just walk around Silver Lake. You can't throw a rock without hitting some guy on a date. It's like a whole new world to me because I'm used to just, you know, the beach. And then I, like, go a little bit more inland. And I'm like, oh, wow,

there's like desert and mountains and lakes. Well, I don't want to talk about that. And houses. Well, I don't want to talk about that. So, you know, part of the reason I brought you guys in here is obviously you're expert

fighters and you're very strong and tough. And that's something we've always had in common, whether you're selling shows and whether my thing is just still in turnaround. Whether I'm disrupting or you're doing the old media, which is kind of dying. It doesn't matter. What matters is that we're all tough and strong. We're all tough, strong we're all tough strong white guys and which is some of the

toughest thing you can be and so what we're gonna do now is talk to on the record yes talk to my homeboy Hayes who you thought oh Hayes isn't here but he's here he's just doing something else and can we get Hayes, who you thought, oh, Hayes isn't here, but he's here. He's just doing something else.

And can we get Hayes on the line, Engineer Sam? He should be here. John? Hayes! John, hi. Hi, John. Hey. I'm down.

I'm in the LZ. Oh, good, good, good, good, good, good, good. Okay, perfect. Is Dom there? Dom and Scuzzman are there? Hey, what's up? Dom and Scuzzman. Hey, guys.

How's it going? Hey, congrats on the show that I saw on the trade. That's great. Oh, thank you. Thank you. Oh, yeah. Thank you so much. If it even happens.

I love the title, the Scuzzman Scummeth, and I like all the M's in Scummeth. I hadn't seen it spelled with that. Yeah, yeah, that was Scuzzman's pitch. I said to add one more M. Well, look, I do want to get right into that. I can sort of feel things heating up here a little bit already. So I think we should dive right in.

Have you kind of explained what's going on? Should I do it? No, I haven't explained anything. I've just been catching up with my old pals. All right. So last week, people know we released an episode of your other show, Hollywood Masterclass, on our feed. Yeah, which was a nice, cool thing to do. And I did it to demonstrate support of the show.

I love the show. I'm very happy. I think it's very different from our show. I don't think it dilutes our brand at all, and I think it's worth paying for. So part of that, I thought, oh, people who listen to our show should listen to this. I think they would like it, even though it is not the exact same show. listen to this i think they would like it even though it is not the exact same show so we ran that and we saw these comments online yes people who got upset yes mistakes something for free that is worth lots of money so much so much yeah it's worth a ton of dough i don't know what one of

those subscription costs but whatever it is, it's not enough. And I had never seen a response. I worried that it was some kind of coordinated, some like astroturfing campaign or something. People that are trying to essentially take down the show. And maybe the entire industry. With their complaints, with their rude complaints. Yeah, it's like... So basically what... Yes. Yeah, go ahead. No, but it's like – So basically what – Yes.

Yeah, go ahead. No, but it's like, oh, okay, so here I am. Like I'm somebody who probably works in another industry. Maybe I'm like – own like a copper mine or something. And I'm going, oh, no, so much of the money that used to get put into mining copper is being put into these podcasts because the content's so good so let me get all my friends and all these dummy accounts to do these rude comments and sink the entire industry so what look anyway so what we did i talked to sam do you not agree on this sort of beta stage um software technology um that can trace people through their internet comments. Like when people, he uses it, I don't know what, I think he uses it for like YouTube and like Instagram and stuff.

But like basically if you comment on the internet, he can go through your username, trace your IP address, and essentially locate your phone at all times. That's scary. So I had him rig that up for some of these comments that we got. And they're all kind of clustered. Go ahead. Yep, go ahead. You didn't really acknowledge that Dom said that's scary.

You scared Dom with some of that. Can you let him rest assured a little bit that you're basically kind of like almost like Dexter or something? Oh, well, yeah. Well, this is Sam's. I mean, I don't want to say Sam is Dexter, but yes, I could be a good Dexter in this scenario, sure. Where what I'm doing is I'm pursuing some of the rudest people who have basically ever been alive. And so what my intention is, so they can't continue attempting to destroy our show with rude comments, is find them and administer an in-person ban, a perma ban from listening to the show.

These things have to be done in person so they really take, you know. Oh, yeah. And they almost always do get physical very quickly. They result in the physical, either confrontation or some other sort of physical union. Mm-hmm. Yeah. One way or another, flesh on flesh. One way or another, it's going to get very physical very fast because a lot of them try to, you know, talk their way out of it not talk well do you want to describe how you're dressed you're in tight cut off jean shorts you have like a

bandolier of bullets around you like chewbacca wears yeah uh you have yeah no shirt on um you uh have a faux hawk which is very cool like one of those nuclear detox masks with a, you know, like a plastic screen that I could see through. in the same location, which I believe is a decommissioned nuclear test site that has been converted into a massive dump for all kinds of garbage, but a lot of electronics that the lithium batteries have exploded. Okay, and so they've managed to put together a lot of computers out of the exploded lithium batteries. And then is it a coincidence that all of the commenters who would say something rude about our good show where we did this nice thing and for free gave them something that a lot

of them had paid for and that is very similar to what they usually get, but it was old instead of the new thing they usually get. And did this good favor for them of giving them this brand new different show that didn't dilute our brand. And they decided decided oh i'm gonna be rude about it and then they all happen to live in freaking nuclear waste yeah and this one it's right so basically i took um i was following um the pings on that it's kind of near the four corners um i think so they can cross state lines either you know if they make illegal

comments in one state they can cross over easily and do it in another state mmm yeah jurisdiction and I what I'm seeing here is a lot of these mounds yeah the candy bar they appease it no this is like I don't know how to explain this it's like frontal torpedoes but how to explain this. It's like frontal torpedoes, but the girl's lying down, but it's made of trash. Does that make sense? Yeah, I think so. I used to live in this place

where you're talking about. Yes, okay. Scuzzman is, yes, okay. So you know a lot of these. Scuzzman's a success story. He got out. Yeah, I did. But, he called it home for a while. I remember it fondly.

Well, tell me if what I'm seeing here is correct. It looks like, just from what I'm taking in here, that these mounds are kind of held together. They've created a kind of spackle out of spit, and it smells like feces. This is like what they make these mounds with their own waste product out the garbage that is it seems like it's dumped in this place from a plane yep that's it yeah and scuzz man is showing me now photos on his phone of planes with a bunch of stuff pouring out and the pov is it's landing right on, and then he's got also some selfies of him covered in plain waste.

Yeah. And he's, like, laughing, and he's eating it all. Well, it would help you sleep, and it would get you real fucked up. Yeah. But I just want to say, I wasn't part of these, like, people that you're talking about. I just, I sort of, like, you were on the outskirts of even their society. Yeah, exactly. This is a sub.

This is like a sub cult within the community. OK, that's good to know, because a lot of these people feed very nice. Mm hmm. So so why don't we have our our our technical agent here, Chef Kevin, who's cooking up some uh good reddit comments and stuff and he can sort of read you a username and a comment and then we'll administer an ant wrong to them uh via physical altercation where you knock on their door and either knock them out or uh put their ass to sleep with some friggin deep dickin hey Hey guys, Chef Kevin here. Okay, so I'm on the...

Hey, Chef Kevin. Hi, Hayes. Chef Kevin, can you read me? You got... Copy, can you read me? Okay, yep. And can you see my location on the map as well as the locations of all the illegal commenters?

Yes, I can see it. You're about one block south, so head north. Okay, okay. That's two clicks. So many monitors. Can we use clicks, please? Yes, I can see it. You're about one block south, so head north. Okay, okay. That's two clicks. So many monitors. Can we use clicks, please? Yes, two clicks north. Hayes?

Okay, okay. Oh, thank God. Yeah. That was scary. Tell me about my first commenter. Sure. This is from Durant Has Gross Hair. He says, or she, sad no new, fine because want to seem chill.

Okay, and so she, I think. Is that the best one? That's the second best one. Okay, let's start out. Maybe you'll get that one, Lee. Let's start with a good one. Okay. He'll get that one.

Let's start with a good one. Okay. This one is from General Smedley Butsex. They say, boo, hiss. And that's it, huh? Yes. So Smedley Butsex got promoted to general that's news to me three clicks west

and what were you going to say Hayes? I wasn't going to say anything well maybe Scuzzman can give do you have any intel on this guy? well yeah no I mean he's a general now when I knew him he was more of a colonel

but I think he sounds like a punk. Very short guy, right? Very short, like three feet. So he might be hard to find, and he might be kind of digging around in some of those trash piles you were describing, like a little kind of mole person. Yeah, he's wily, and he's definitely, he just kind of like travels through the trash.

Now, is this the guy you told me about who eats a bowl of worms and pretends it's spaghetti? Yes. Yes. Okay, hey, so if you see somebody eating a bowl of worms and pretending it's spaghetti, that might be General Smedley Buttsex. He is eating a bowl of worms that he is pretending, clearly he's pretending it's spaghetti just from kind of his bib, I guess.

It's like a spaghetti bib. Ah, yeah. He's got a spoon and fork and rolling it up. He is very short, but everything from the waist up seems normally proportioned anyway. But everything from there down is like basically a coffee can. That's Smedley. That's him. That's the general.

It's weird that you just describe him as short. I mean that is true but it is a little different from that. Yeah, the coffee can. In describing him physically, the coffee can, I spaced. His lower half body coffee can. The thing that jumps out at me, and I'm looking at a photo of him now on Scuzzman's phone, is like, this guy's not very tall.

And part of that's because his lower half below his waist is all just basically a coffee can. It's almost like he's climbing out of it. Yeah, people think he's a toy on a shelf a lot. He's trying to climb out of it while he keeps eating the spaghetti. You know, when I knew him, I never noticed the coffee can. I forgot it was words.

Okay, so his ploy is working a little bit because you did call it spaghetti, which I gotta say, Smedley Butsex must be thrilled about. Oh, man i could tell how much how committed he is to it and that really that did suck me in as well great lesson for actors so um do you wanna uh go ahead and start confronting him physically about this boo hiss rude comment that he made yeah okay let me okay i'm approaching i have eyes on and i'm approaching can you hear this wind yeah i'm hearing what sounds like wind is that smedley blowing on you well because it's not a windy day i think his there's something about the filth coming off of

him is hot and it's creating these kind of, um, a breeze. Mm-hmm, yeah. His stench comes in gusts, from what I understand. That's right. Okay, there's a sign that says, knock on the gate, I'll knock on the gate. What's the name again? General Smedley Budsex? Mm-hmm. General Smedley Budsex, I hereby administer you a permaban

from listening to Hollywood Handbook for illegal comments. Turn over your phone and your listener's badge immediately. Okay, he's... So what he's doing is he's kind of pogoing around. So this is where I'm going to use the fighting tip.

Okay, so I've got a couple tough white guys here. He's kind of pogoing around on the can. Yeah. So if I could get something from Dom maybe. Oh, geez. He's doing a sort of low bounce in a circle around me, these big bounces. Okay. Okay.

And is he going in the same direction in the circle, or is he switching directions every now and then? He's going in the same direction. Okay. No, he did directions every now and then? He's going in the same direction. Okay, no, he did just switch. Now he's going backwards and forwards. He's getting right in my face and then he's bouncing away again. Okay, okay.

That means he's about to turn up the heat a little bit. So I would say go for a big tackle. Just go for a big tackle. A big tackle? Big tackle. Okay, and this is why we brought dom in a master tactician and fighter like this for him to be able to sort of identify like oh this guy's not going to want to get tackled because that knocks him down uh you know that that's why you bring in a true pro like that i'm not above admitting i wouldn't have come up with that.

Time it to his jumps when he's in the air, big tackle. And I understand that you have studied martial arts. I'm a blue belt in Brazilian jujitsu. Maybe going on two, two decades now. Yeah. And I have never really understood why until this moment. No, I know why I'm your first call when it's like a fighting thing. I'm a tough white guy

and just give him the big tackle. And I think... And I think that might knock him down. Right. Okay. And I would say once you're down there, box his ears a little. Okay.

That's from the Scuzzman. He'll know who that's from. Yes. Oh, yeah. He'll remember the Scuzzman being around. A little box to the ears. Box in hisman. He'll know who that's from. Yes. Oh, yeah. He'll remember the Scuzzman being that. He's got a little box to the ears. Box in his ears. He'll know.

He'll know. Okay, here we go. Are you doing it? I've sort of loaded up my energy. Okay, here it goes. Here's my big tackle. Okay. So what I've done is I've scooped.

There's just a coffee can in my arms. I've scooped I've just there's just a coffee can in my arms I've scooped it off his bottom half and it his bottom half was huge it was like all stuffed in there and now it's kind of like unfolding out and he's getting bigger and bigger he's enormous and he's laughing and he's saying that that was his he's saying that that was his plan oh no and so you've essentially freed him what what i can gather now from what you're describing is he had uh maybe a gypsy curse put on him i don't know if that's a word we can use but he had a curse from a person of romanian descent put on him where his giant lower half pinned down one country

that does the curses. He now was trapped inside that coffee can. You freed him and now he has his power back. And Scuzzman is showing me some photos of him as just a colonel when they were kids and he is the length of three football fields.

Oh yeah, when I said he's short, I only meant he's short when he's in the coffee can. You cannot remove his coffee can. That is a recipe for disaster. I definitely did not see that coming. No. Did you go for a big tackle or just tackle? It was huge.

It was a huge tackle. That's too big. And now he's laughing at that. I think he knows that it was your idea, and he doesn't think it was a good suggestion. Okay. Okay. Well, now his legs, now he's got super long legs, right?

And he's tall? Yeah, they're very long and also super fat. Okay. Yeah, they're very long and also super fast. Okay, and so, Hayes, what I might say is you should run away and find another commenter. Yeah, because you notified him. No need to really finish. Oh, my God, he's running so fast.

Yeah, we're good. So I'll come back to that one. We'll get him on the way back. Maybe he'll get another curse put on him in the meantime. On the way back, he might get cursed again. Also, he's probably filling himself up back into the coffee can. And the curse could come from a witch, a warlock. Of any of this.

Okay, yes. They could be freaking Spanish. So, all right. That's all good. and no one's mad. So let's get in here and really get down to business. And, Kevin, why don't you hit me with a comment from a Reddit user who really needs to get banned. Sure.

This one is from Spinozism. They say, yeah, and i can only imagine how exhausting it must be to spend an hour in a studio with your friends with no show prep okay i see this guy i have eyes on this guy already i can tell because he's um he's looking down at his uh dick he doesn't know what to do with it yeah uh was he able to find it where it is yeah he's having trouble finding it and when he does he has no idea what to do with it is what i'm seeing here okay yeah do you know this guy scuzzman uh-huh this guy's just staring at his dick all the time or he's staring in the general

direction of it going like going like going like if where find it, where it should be. He's going, I hope I find it, but if I do, what the fuck would I even do? I have no idea. Yeah, he wouldn't.

He's one of the angriest, saddest people there. Can I ask another question about this? Just to make sure I have the right one. Does he got zits? Zits? Zits? Yeah, he got zits.

Oh, he's covered in acne. Is he doing the little, like, Zitz. Oh, he's covered in acne? Is he doing the little toddler cry thing where he's crying but trying not to? Yeah, it seems like he's trying to be brave, but he is actually being a huge baby. That's that guy. For sure. Wow. Okay.

How do I fight this guy? Oh, God. wow okay how do i uh how do i fight this guy oh god i mean someone like a guy like this is not gonna muster up much should be pretty easy i would just uh i mean maybe walk up to him and kind of blow gently on him and he'll just kind of topple over okay and then you can just kind of stand on his chest okay okay let me hit him with the perma van he's just he's just pawing around on there spinicism spinicism spinicism and that's the guy really funny that's the guy who gets the free show every week and then he's mad uh that one week there wasn't one and he's so mad that when some people go like well maybe they needed a break he goes like no they don't get a break it's too easy to make the fucking show that's spinozism and he can't find his fucking dick and he wouldn't know what to do with it if he did find it if he did have one and he's crying

like a baby and he throws up when he got up gonna go over here and uh um okay. Spinacism. You are perma-banned from listening to Hollywood Handbook. Disable your phone. Never, ever comment illegally or otherwise on any of our boards again. We are your enemies now. And if you listen to us, we will punish you. And ask him if he thinks it took any show prep to get his fucking comment all loaded up. And know his username. He is already trying to suck me off.

Oh, that's unfortunate. I had just started talking. And he just immediately went for it? He just immediately kind of like lunged for it? Don't let him do it. Be careful because I heard that when he does actually get into any kind of physical

contact with someone who he's secretly in love with that he freaking gets so nervous he throws up all over him and then he freaking goes home to his mom and he cries and then his mom goes I can't even believe that you're my son I wish that you

never existed and then he goes like no don't say that, mom. And then she beats him up. And then he tries to suck her off. Okay, I just watched that entire scenario play out. You watched that play out? Yes, by the time you started

saying it, it had already happened. Oh, no. That's too bad. Wow. I almost feel bad permanently banning him. Yeah, I was expecting to feel like really tough, like a tough white guy doing this. Yeah. I was happy to feel like some strong, tough white guys,

but then what's really been happening is the one guy was just too big. We shouldn't have touched that coffee can. It's just a whole can of worms. And then this guy actually was kind of sad he's still getting bigger i could see him over there yeah he's getting so big that you didn't actually run away from him so that sucks and then this one i feel kind of sad and i'm like maybe we should undo the band because like even just looking at his comment it's like? That's the comment you want to leave? Maybe it's just your life is tough enough and you should be

able to listen to the show. Yeah, it's like, I like this thing so much, I'm going to shit on the people who made it. Should we unban him when he stops sucking off his mom? Do you know what I think is probably the best thing to do is to just glass this place.

Kevin's got a whole, he's got a drone strike set up. I'm thinking we just hit it until we turn this place to glass. You know what I mean? Okay, Hazen, we do only have like two minutes left. So do you want to freaking glass the whole zone? No, I know. That's part of my reasoning. I don't have all day to do this either, so I'd say we glass them. Can we just read some of the other comments on the usernames before we

just waste these people? Okay, Kevin, hit us with the frickin' rapid fire. This is Han Solo Bolo. I just worked through Hollywood Masterclass, and this is actually kind of a bummer. I look forward to HH all week. Band on username alone.

Okay. He was bad. The comment is not even interesting. Didn't even need a comment. I hear the username's HotSoloBolo. You're permaban, man. You're glass. Turn him to glass.

Dry Ice Factory. Lucas Scion. A bunch of people talking about Off Book, a new podcast, and the 500th Comedy Bang Bang. All you guys. Unbelievable. Okay, so they're all toast. On our thread. Yeah, on our thread.

Roll up to the top and look at the picture. Sorry, you're dead. Okay, so Kevin's launching the drone strike. And then Skuzzman, where can we find you online? I just got to get in my prop plane. Hang on. I just got to spin the propeller. Oh, you can find me at Scuzzbus, as usual, on Twitter.

And I'm ScuzzbusJr on Twitter. Bye. Bye. This has been an Earwolf production. Bye.