Hollywood Handbook - Drew Tarver, Our Close Friend

Episode Date: May 2, 2017

Sean and Hayes are joined by DREW TARVER of Big Grande and Bajillion Dollar Properties to help them and Intern Andy do a new kind of show. This episode is sponsored by Generation Tux (www.generationtux.com code: HANDBOOK), MVMT Watches (www.mvmtwatches.com/hollywood), and Shari's Berries (www.berries.com code: HOLLYWOODHANDBOOK).See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. So, tubing. It's match. Being pulled by the speedboat in a recycle bin on the lake with William. Naturally. Hung. And we're going so fast and so i'm saying okay ready get ready i'm calling to the boat guy i'm saying okay let's do it and he does a turn sharp turn

and as i'm as i'm turning i snip the line so now i'm like going in a different direction like oh yeah and then i hit land and it's got wheels in the back, so now I'm on... You're driving, essentially. Now I'm driving. I'm balancing because it only has wheels in the back, so I am balancing, but I'm going so fast. Popping an instant wheelie.

And I'm like, thanks, dude! And he's already long gone. And so now I'm on the road. I'm going 200 miles an hour. Running over monster trucks, et cetera. Yes. Fuck you. No, fuck you, motherfucker.

And so I've gone so fast. But then I look over in the recycle bin. Natch. And William Hung isn't there. Oh, no. Where's William? So I look back. And he's isn't there. Oh, no. Where's William? So I look back, and he's still back on the lake. I'm very far away at this point, but I can see.

You can see. Just out of the curvature of the earth is just kind of blocking his bottom half. But I can see the top of him still. Because I have famous. Binoculars riff surgery. Famous long vision. You did have binoculars. Very long sighted.

Binoculars inserted into your optic nerve so that you can see very far away. And it's very frustrating when I hand you something to read, you can't see it. I can't see it. It looks very, it's one huge letter F. If you remember, there used to be these magazine features, and I think like kid science magazines that would be like, what's this a close-up of? And you'd go like, I don't know, it looks like a frigging,

you know, like a close-up of a porcupine. And then it would be like, nope, it's a hedgehog. And my understanding is that's what stuff looks like to you. Yeah. You're right, except when it's so far away. Like William Hung was. Oh, yeah. Well, far away, then you can go and you can see William Hung.

He's in the lake. He's in the lake. He's hanging on a vine. And he can't swim. No, he can't swim, which is why he's hanging on the vine. And there's an alligator under him saying, Oh, chomping away. Oh, the gator.

And he's hanging on the vine and he's saying something like, because I can hear him as well. And he's saying, this vine sure is a killer app or something like that. Oh, gosh. And then he's like, not like an appetizer to the crocodile. I don't know. It wasn't really. He's crying so hard.

I can't really hear exactly what the concept is of the bit. But it's a bit. There's something there. The six-second video app for people listening. This show obviously has a very long tail. People listen for years and years. A while ago, 15, 20 years ago, there was an app called Vine that was not hanging on a vine, but it was called that because you were hanging on the edge of your seat

looking at your phone going, what's going to happen for these six seconds? And so he says that, and so I'm like, okay, I'll help. He can't hear me, obviously, and I'm not even talking that loud of a voice. But I'm like, okay, let's do this. And so I shoot the vine. And he's like, whoa, why'd you do that because he's falling and then he falls on the alligator i shot the alligator too one bullet oh and the same bullet hit the vine and alligator but it took so long to hit the alligator that he was able to say that first

he was able to say why why'd you do that as he was fine it doesn't take that long to say well did it no but i know but so the bullet hit the vine and then did it ricochet off something, come back, hit the alligator? It must have. Yeah, that's right. Hey, welcome to Hollywood Handbook, an insider's guide to kicking butt and dropping names in the red carpet linebacker hallways of this industry we call showbiz. What up, what up? So we are always having new plans. And always making good new plans.

So we're doing one of our good new plans. some ways for the first time all over again. Every day. Yeah, because we always keep it fresh by not really knowing what the show is and not really liking what we've done so far. This is a great opportunity for us. That's how we see it, to pivot and begin anew and start a new career, really, and transition out of podcasting, obviously. The show is YouTube now. It's YouTube, and it's big YouTube, not the bullshit fucking garbage, your fucking college sketch troop or whatever shit you put on.

The big money, the real shit. The guys who are some of these youtube stars are fucking driving monster trucks yeah so this is the first thing he ran over with his tube we got andy intern andy to tell us about some of this stuff because he is famously on the computer a lot big i'm online big time he's a porno addict who's been banned from all the porno sites he's not allowed on any of them because he was too active too earnest

sometimes there's gambling addicts who are banned from casinos or whatever and you go wouldn't they want the gambling addict? that's who spends most money but the casinos go I don't feel good about this this is how the porno sites began to feel about Andy where they said I just don't want to be involved in what's happening.

But, yeah, he had very nice, earnest comments. He always would say, stunning. Which is a really nice compliment. Yeah. And asking him questions. Stunning penis. Are you excited for? Writing in the comments, are you excited for Guardians 2?

And they were. So, Andy, talk to us. Because you aren't allowed on the sites that you were traditionally interested in, you've discovered this YouTube website. Absolutely. And there's just as big of a community on YouTube as there are on porno sites, if you can believe it. Like, we all get together. I don't know.

It seems strange, Andy, that you would want us to get into this with you so much first before we talk to Drew Tarver. Well, Drew's our big guest, who we actually schedule with. You were just here. Let me do my thing. Let me finish my whole thing,

and then you'll talk to Drew. No, I think we're going to talk to Drew first. No, we're going to introduce Drew. Andy, why don't you introduce Drew and say how he's famous and everything. He's funny. Okay, ladies, folks. Yeah, ladies specifically. Okay, so here's what's happened I'm worried about.

Kevin has cannibalized Andy's bit a little bit of being horny. It's pretty different because his thing is that he holds off on having pleasure, whereas I just can't. See, so now Andy is trying to take ownership of his bit too hard. So he's saying like, hey, ladies, and all that. Here we go. Just be yourself, Andy. Okay.

Just be yourself. Introduce Drew Tarver. Yeah, I'm very excited. Tarver, my famous voice of funny. Yeah, he's very funny. I'm very excited to introduce Drew Tarver. Yeah, I'm very excited. Tell everyone I'm his famous voice of funny. Yeah, he's very funny. I'm very excited to introduce Drew Tarver. Thank you, yeah. He's on Bajillion Dollar Properties.

We don't promote that on this show. Okay. That's not part of this because they just wrapped season four, I'm told, on Instagram. I don't think the timeline works. And then apparently I still was not invited and we have talked about how I'm available. So, no, not bajillion. Okay, so he's in. Teacher's Lounge.

Yes. Big Grande. And there's Big Grande things happening for you. Big Grande. With that group, yes. Tell me about that. The group or the? The things.

I don't know. Yeah, we're very excited. Big things. We've been all around. the group or the the things I don't know yeah we're very excited big things we've been all around we've been taking generals all around town wow

yeah yeah and Drew do you give good meeting? I've been it took me a while to give good meeting I took because you don't know

initially no one's born giving good meeting that's a myth well the good meeting. Because you don't know initially. No one's born giving good meeting. That's a myth. Well, the good thing is I have a meeting, so I know what feels good on a meeting. So I can sometimes give good meeting. I want one. You know what I mean? So, yeah.

If you have a meeting, you can figure out how to give good meeting a little bit better. But sometimes people are into different meeting than you are. If that makes sense. I feel that I give good meeting, but yes, meeting's a spectrum. Do you give good meeting? I always wonder if they actually like it. If they say it's good.

But I was like, do you really like enjoying this? Well, yeah, it's rare that you would leave a meeting that someone would say yes. And even if it sounds like they're enjoying it during the meeting, I'm still like, are they just doing that? Yeah, exactly.

It's your job. It feels like a lot of times maybe they're just being polite. Right. If I'm not giving a meeting, I want to know right then and there. This is bad. Help me fix it. But also, I don't. Yeah, you're right.

I got to say. Yeah. Let me maintain the illusion a little bit. Totally. Because my ego can't take it. No. And Carl's Hardee's Jr. Because my ego can't take it. No. And Carl's Hardee's Jr. is here, isn't he? Carl's Hardee's Jr.

Carl's Hardee's Jr., yeah. Can we speak to him for a minute? Can I talk to Carl's Hardee's Jr.? Is he in there? Yeah. Yeah, what's happening? See, I don't get this thing. Because I like Charles Hardys Jr. more than I like Charles Hardys.

And his whole thing is like, I'm back now. And now you're not the boss anymore. I go, well, is he not going to be involved at all? Couldn't you guys work together? Right. Because you've always been a Charles's Hardee's Juniors fan. Yes. Yes, yeah.

And so now Carl's Hardee's is back. And I'm saying, like, it was fine. Things were great. Everything was fine without you. Yeah, yeah. Well, yeah, I mean, burgers, sure, there are some fundamental elements that shouldn't change, but they do need to move in the future,

and we should have guys who are using VR machine and have models around. Yeah. I totally agree. I mean, I don't know why Carl's— Of course you do. It's you. I am him, so of course that.

But, yeah, I don't know why Carl's already had to come back. Did you get to be friends with the models? I did. Oh, wow. Yeah, we all go. I'm part of a— Aspen? Yeah, we go to Aspen.

We go there not even when it's cold. Yeah, no. Not when it's ski season at all. It's too crowded then. Oh, yeah. I hate that. I hate crowds. And the skiing's too fast.

The what? The skiing's too fast when it's cold. Yeah, well, we do ski. Oh, yeah. A long, deliberate ski down a nice, rocky, grass-covered mountain. Yeah, yeah. We go and we get pretty cheap skiing right now, actually. I hate riding the lift.

You go when it's not snowing. You only ride that lift but once a day. You spend the rest of the time getting down. Falling down the hill. Yeah. And the lift's not going. You need your friends to kind of hand do it. Yes.

Oh, yeah. That's a big part of it um but your daddy came and took the burgers back daddy showed up he took the burgers back um

and he sure did talk good he he you know he's good at talking he I actually mentioned that in the commercial.

Yeah, I don't recall that. I recall thinking it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I actually said that. I didn't believe that anyone spoke to it, which is why I brought it up. That's interesting. That's interesting. I actually brought that up, and you know what?

It wasn't even in the script. So that's right out of my brain. Big Grande, were you mad when College Humor rebranded to become Big Breakfast? Did you feel like that was sort of – I felt like they were honestly stepping on us. It felt like a direct attack on you. Yeah. And they wanted some of the Big Grande heat because Grande, of course, I associate it with the size of the Starbucks cup.

So I'm thinking kind of food, big food, big breakfast. Starbucks, I go there in the morning for coffee, breakfast. Well, we were big tall, and then we were big. And the big and tall men's shop got upset? Yeah. You were big Venti? We were big Venti. We were big tall.

We were big Trenta. The secret one. Yeah, the secret one. The secret big one. I love watching their faces when I order the Trento. Oh, yeah. Can we do that? You can actually order a secret In-N-Out burger at Starbucks.

At Starbucks. Yeah, you can order the 4x4 there. Wait a minute. Yeah, yeah. That's Hardee's Jr. Eating challenge. Oh, you're right. I don't like In-N-Out.

I was just mentioning them. Starbucks animal style. And this whole time Andy's like, when is my turn again? But I wanted to talk. It's like, Andy, we got this big funny guest. You see how well this is going? Maybe something like that for you. Maybe you guys could all talk about

YouTube stuff. That's what we're going to do. What are you talking about? That's what the idea is. But like now. So Drew is he's big on Snapchat. He's doing the stories.

He's doing the stories. He's doing the characters. And these journeys you go on. And I am just so invested in what's next for my favorite characters. And so I thought, what a good guy to come in and sort of shepherd us into this new world. He's like, I don't know about that stuff.

No. Right, right. I look at Snapchat, I think, ah, a ghost! You know? Because you're looking at the logo that is a ghost. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, yeah, don't get scared by the logo. Head on in there.

I'm looking around for my power pill, like Pac-Man, so that he can eat the ghost. Yeah. I see Snapchat. I'm looking for a power pill. That's true. That's very true. Well, you're not scared of, like, dog faces

or people vomiting out rainbows out of their mouth. I'm looking for my friggin' Ghostbusters cart. And, Sam, can you edit that in so it sounds like you came up with it right away? Do it before Sean, please. Yeah, maybe do Hayes' first because I've got some good stuff already in this episode. first because I've got some good stuff already in this episode. So, Andy, talk to me about YouTube.

It's cool. There's videos and it's online. Have you guys seen the one where the girl crushes a watermelon between her thighs? He's trying to find... I can just feel him staking out territory. He's saying, what with Kevin now?

So we have this guy, Kevin. You'll meet him a little later. He can come take photos. And then we're going to see a real showdown, I think. Because Andy's thing used to be that he is extra horny, and now that's become Kevin's thing. Because he comes in and takes the pictures, and he's horny about that. Andy's trying to differentiate how the horniness happens.

Kevin's just around being horny. It's not about you. I thought if I did it better, then maybe I would become the horny guy again. No, you can both be horny. And maybe you could have another thing too, like actually being helpful with this YouTube stuff. So, and you'll notice also that Andy took away the mic that Kevin normally uses when he comes in. Yes, he did. He went right, he went straight for that one.

And he was like, oh, I think this one will be mine. So we are not going to be doing that, Andy. We're not going to be squeezing anything. I can't. I mean, I can't. You guys would be good at it. It seems like another way for us to talk about Gallagher again. For some reason, we end up talking about Gallagher on every episode.

I have nothing to say about it. We don't want to talk about this. We never did. Remember when he was on WTF? See, Well, then that's What a strange thing to be horny about.

Marin and Gallagher in a hotel room together. And Andy is suddenly glistening. Like his whole body it just became like a layer of glaze over him as soon as he had the thaw fresh out of the kiln he's so dewy

Andy thank you for mentioning WTF a very successful podcast that's what we wanted to be. We don't want to be that anymore. We're not going to do that anymore. We're YouTube now. We're doing YouTube now.

What is the stuff on YouTube people are watching a lot? We're going to do that. Okay. So there's the ASMR videos are a big genre. Yes, okay. Okay, talk to me about this. Okay. It's people getting really close up into the mic and whispering,

and there's a lot of mouth sounds and crinkling and stuff. And they're giving people braingasms. Yeah. That nice, tingly, sort of zombified state that you can reach where you have a sweet little brain gasm from the auditory stimulation. Do you get that? It doesn't happen for some people. I only get it from Engineer Cody.

What am I listening to? The Comedy Bang Bang 8th Anniversary special with like 16 guests. Oh, wow. Oh, Drew. I'm so sorry, Drew. Oh, my God. You know what? 9th Anniversary. I'm so sorry Drew oh my god you know what 9th anniversary I think it's just gonna be you

you're so good on there that's what I see for you you're so good doing it you really have a real voice on that show and if they don't appreciate it you don't need them but it could be very helpful to you.

I come in there and I really nail that nondescript southern guy. It's great. Yes. I love it. And there's a couple other guys that do that too, but you, I think, are one of the best ones. The one that you do is top five all time for me on that show. ASMR. So let's start me on that show. ASMR.

So let's start working on that. Do you want to listen to one? Yeah, let's hear just a little bit of one, and then we'll sort of recreate. Okay, so I have computer videos loaded. And Andy helped him find these. Okay, and a helicopter bird. Hey, everybody.

It's a bug one. Okay, and a helicopter bird. Hey, everybody. It's a bug one. Welcome to the next segment of Movie Club. Oh, this is like our show. We do talk about movies. She's funny.

She did the noise. Okay. Okay. I like this. All right, so I'm going to be a sexy Russian teenage girl. It's one thing you should know just if you're going like wait where'd Sean go because that is a theme that I've noticed

among the ASMR we should have ASM artist names I guess I'll be Smacky Whisperer. Smacky Whisperer, okay.

Yeah. Is that good? I'll be Quiet Haze. Oh. And then, Drew? I'm going to be On His Toes Terry. Oh, that's good. I'm the Tingler.

Okay, Andy. And Sam, you be Tony Bomboni. Do we really think Andy should be allowed to be the tingler? Or does it make more sense for Drew to be on his toes Tony the tingler? Ah, on his toes Tony the tingler. Can I change mine? I don't think Smacky Whisper was good. It was just the first thing I thought of.

Yeah, so Sam, can we... And everyone else got more time because I went first. So I want more time. Okay. What am I going to be? Something about... Smacky Whisper might have been pretty good. Sometimes it does turn out that that's the best one.

Chris Crinkle. Oh, no? Okay. You like that? I had a response to it. Okay. It was interesting. You were doing it a little bit as you were thinking about it.

Oh, wow. So is that your turn? No, no, no, because I have a prop for my turn. Okay. So I shouldn't go first again, you know. Okay. So Sam, put his coming up with Kris Krinkle in the middle, I guess, of us coming up with our names.

Yes, please. Because you can't come up with that one first. You can't, you know, have all of it. Oh, so then should I go first? No, I think, well, yeah, so maybe you should go first. Okay. And Andy still needs a name. Oh, Andy still needs a name.

And Chris Krenkel's taken. Well, he can come up with his own name while you do yours. Okay. So something I notice about these ASMRtists is a lot of first-person customer service scenarios they're giving you. And Drew has confessed to me secretly that he does have these brain gasms happen to him when people are making him food. I said, make sure you don't say it on air. Don't say it on air, yeah.

But we're about translucency on this show. When people are making you food. I get it, yeah. The pattern lately has been when people are making me sandwiches and they keep checking back in with what I want. And they're making them like very delicately. Okay, so get ready. Hey. Sorry it's been so long since I uploaded.

I've been so busy. I haven't made my video in a little while. So this is Kris Krinkle. So, oh, you want to have a nice snacky. Okay. Well, why don't you just sit down and fucking shut up for a second. Fucking cook something. So, goddamn package.

Fucking Jesus. It's not going to open. Okay. So you're sitting and want some juice or some shit, you fucking piece of shit. Yeah. Oh, my goodness. Oh, I'm tired.

I know you can eat it next. It makes me crinkle. I'm sorry so long since I uploaded. So that probably has given people. That's good. I got two brain gasms. You must have had a bunch. I had about six brain gasms, especially when you would say fucking and be mean.

There wasn't a lot of food baking. He did offer you some juice. Yeah. He offered me some juice, and then he stuffed a cracker in his mouth. Wow, I really became that character. That was kind of a, you were almost like dominating while being quiet and crinkly. I don't know. Make sure, guys, to apologize for how long it's been since you uploaded when you do these.

Yeah. Please. Generally, these guys do it every single day. And every single day they go, sorry, it's happened so long. So please try to do that because that will make people comfortable and help us get a big following. Do they say why they're being so quiet? Is there ever like a fun reason? Well, that's maybe something that could be incorporated into yours.

Like you don't want to wake up your wife. Okay. Well, I can't do that now. Thanks. Let me think. Okay. Hi, this is – And they have to do it on different sides of the mic, right?

Yeah, that's right. Hi, this is Quiet Haze. I'm sorry I haven't uploaded. My computer fell in the sink. Don't do that on mine, please. Thank you. I have to be so quiet because I'm in a freeze. Sean, that's too loud.

It's rude. I'm just trying to, you know, I'm trying to do something. Do it. I have to be so quiet because I'm in a freaking bear's house. I guess I was having a social rendezvous with his wife. Andy, can you hand me that hand sanitizer? Okay, you know, I think I'm done. What?

No, I think I'm done. What? You can go second next time. Should I put it back? What are you talking about? Yes, put back the hand sanitizer, Andy. No, Andy, hand it to me. Put some into your hand.

Don't give him the bottle because he shouldn't have the whole thing. Oh, give a little. Just put a little in your hand. Not a full a full like pull it just a normal one okay just a normal one hey why are you being a baby right now i'm just saying sometimes when you get too too much hand sanitizer you do end up using too much and it dries you out so what well that's what you say now. My body, my choice. Ever heard of it? There's not a lot left. Okay. Yeah, I used a lot of it earlier.

My hands are really dry. They're really hurting. Drew, or should I say whatever your name was? What was my name? It was on his toes, Tony the Tingler. No relation to Tony Bomboni. Yeah. All right. I tried shaking up some ice next to it.

No, I think that was good. One thing you can do is go like, sorry, I'm about to do something that might be a little bit loud, and then do something very loud. No, I think that was good. One thing you can do is go like, sorry, I'm about to do something that might be a little bit loud and then do something very loud. Okay, cool. Guys, so sorry. I haven't uploaded in a while. I forgot my password.

It's been about, honestly, it's been about a year. It's been a full year since my last video. And I'm sorry. None of my videos before this were ASMR videos. It's been about a year. It's been a full year since my last video. And I'm sorry, none of my videos before this were ASMR videos. They were all videos of me waking up my dad while he was sleeping. Because he sucks and you guys really were liking that

so I'm completely changing. Sorry, I'm about to do something loud. I'm really sorry, I'm really sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I lured you into this video and I apologize. Also, I have to be very quiet because I'm robbing my grandma's house, which you guys might actually like because you really liked it when I would beat my dad up

and wake him up from his sleep. One more time, something loud. Sorry about that. Uh-oh. Okay, yeah. So, this is Kevin. Oh, boy. Yikes.

This is a real showdown and Andy already is like his glisten is like hardening and it's like flaking off him yeah he looks like an old donut I hate to see him scale up

and molt like that right in front of me so Kevin the issue has been raised that you have sort of horned in on, so to speak, some of Andy's bit. He stole his essence. That Andy was the king of being horny on the show, and then you came in here, and you were so horny, and you're here every day, And Andy's just like doing, like, you know, he's doing other stuff. It was just easier for you to sort of eat Andy's lunch and become the horny man, as Total Devastation would say.

And I do know a lot of the lyrics to that song. If you ever want to hear it, we can do it after the show. We can do it after the show. We don't have to do it now. But I know most of the lyrics to The Horny Man by Total Devastation. 90s rock movement. Do you want to hear any of it? Yes.

One, two, mic check it. I come get naked. Can I get with it? A hundred, can I hit it? Because I'm The Horny Man and I love to hit skin. See, I got a gym hat, so it's safe to go in and get hot like a toaster. Pose it on your poster. Come and make a ride on my love roller coaster.

Swimming in women, diving like scuba. Hit mad skins like a man-grand pooper. Superdome is got a lot of flavor. Plus, it's known for my sexual behavior. I'm hung like a hang of the green wheat slager. Like the hit squad, I'm a status headbanger. Hit you like a drug, all you need is again, you can't be loved. Love the public, say I'm alone.

I make a bitch moment, it's time to bone. And, you know, I don't know the whole song. But I know a lot of the song to Horny Man. And that's what I feel like kevin is trying to become here when andy was the original horny man that's yeah kevin i know you don't have a mic because andy stole it but how would you respond to these allegations um i would gladly pass off the horny character if he wants it by, by all means, you can have it. What are you going to be? I can work on it.

I've been workshopping some personas. None of them have to do with being a creep or a weasel. So it's all you, Andy. Andy? How does it feel to hear that? Well, he's implying that by being horny you're somehow creepy or weasel like and I don't think that's true. But here's the thing

now about Kevin. Kevin's horniness to me seems so much more authentic since he's like not he doesn't want people to know about it. It is a secret. Which real horniness you are trying to disguise a lot of the time absolutely and now andy since he's on defense is so up front with his horniness that i'm going is this guy

actually horny yeah and so i wonder what is andy really like if horniness is the thing he wants you to think what's the more disturbing thing he's hiding? Yes. And it may be a bloodlust. And he may be an actual vampire in real life. And a Dracula. Dracula is horny sometimes. See, okay. No, I don't, you know, don't read too much. He's trying to get us out of the scent of what he really loves is violence.

Yeah. Violence and mayhem. Andy, tell me you don't listen to Nine Inch Nails. Please tell me you don't listen to Nine Inch Nails. Do you have a name yet? For my ASMR guy? Yeah. Oh.

It can't be Tony Bombardi. I'm Sugar Smacks. Sugar Smacks? Yeah, like mouth smacks. Oh, um... It can't be Tony Bombardi. No, I'm Sugar Smacks. Sugar Smacks? Yeah, like mouth smacks. Oh, no. Andy, please tell me you don't listen to the Gravediggers. Please don't make me rap another early 90s rap song, Andy. We have no Gravediggers, please.

You know that one? They're so violent. I know like little bits. Yo, I'm not the same as I was when I was younger. And then they start rapping about killing people. Is that what you want? I think that's cool. I don't like this.

It's the one I heard of suicide. Soundtrack for Demon Knight. Okay, Andy Andy do your video come on Sugar Smacks and Kevin when you come back you're still a weasel okay hey guys it's Sugar Smacks

sorry it's been so long uploading. I was in New York City for the, I got, my award is the number one horniest YouTube guy. Why is Andy getting the different, the two channel thing and none of us got it? Sam just remembered that he's here. Chris Crinkle didn't get it. Quiet Hayes didn't get it. And on his Toast Toady, the Tinkerer didn't get it. Only Sugar

Smacks got it. That's frustrating. It almost makes me not want to do ASMR at all, especially with this guy who's now so invested in me believing he's horny. there is most definitely a violent desire

that he sneak up on you I just noticed that he's got a knife and I didn't think about it before I just didn't really I assumed it was associated with the horniness I thought it was to just cut a strap off of his shoulder. To reveal a single breast.

That's why I thought he brought it. And I didn't think that was good. I thought that was bad. But I thought, I'm going to be able to stop him from doing that. Because he doesn't have any desire to hurt anyone. But now it's revealed that he wants to stab the breast. It's awful.

It's disgusting. That's so fucking gross. And now Kevin all of a sudden looks like kind of a nice guy by comparison. He just takes his little snapshots into his dungeon. I mean, that's not hurting anyone. What's a new kind of videos?

Yeah, what else? And please don't say torture. Wait, Tony Bomboni has to do his real quick. Oh, yeah. Tony Bomboni, please. I think that's the name of a real guy. Maybe I shouldn't have said it. Are we allowed to do that?

Are we in trouble? Can you find out from the lawyer if we're in trouble? Because I think that's a real guy. All right, this is Tony Bamboni. Sorry it's been so long since I've uploaded. A lot of you guys emailed me saying you couldn't hear me earlier. So this is my new ASMR video. Pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop.

Plop, plop, plop. That's a hit. That's good. That's a hit. ASMR video. Pop, pop, pop. That's a hit. That's good. That's a hit. I also liked how you did the two channel thing only after you stopped talking. That's a hit. So what else could we maybe do Andy

that is going to be a big video for YouTube now that the podcast is over? You know what's fun are these haul videos. Okay. Haul pass. Yeah, like the haul pass trailer. That's not what you meant.

Same what you meant. I feel weird. No, I mean like when you go out, you have a big shopping spree and then you get to show off to all your followers what you picked up, and it could be makeup. It could be outfits, just anything that you picked up at the store, and then people get to get a kick out of seeing that.

Hi-ya! Okay. So while Andy was talking, he took out a bottle with a skull and crossbones on it and started pouring it into the cup that we know Kevin uses. Kevin leaves a cup to drink from in here, and then he doesn't drink it until after we all leave. He says it makes it taste better,

knowing that a funny podcast happened around it. But this skull and crossbones bottle, I think, maybe had something sinister within. It's sizzling on the floor now. And that hi-yah, was you knocking it away? No. No. It was me pointing.

Oh. Hi-yah. But Andy got so scared, he dropped it. Yeah, and that was just a bonus. So, Andy, now tell me what a haul video is and don't do the poison. Okay. No poison. It's after you go shopping, you show off to your followers

what you bought. Yes. And a lot of times it's what? It could be makeup, outfits. Okay. That's two different things. We know about that. Yeah, and a lot, all sorts of other stuff too, but those are too much. It's like the haul you brought home.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I see. It's the U-Haul. U-Haul at home. I see. And if Hayes made one, it would probably be power tools or something

wouldn't it Hayes more power I worry about Andy like what he would do with these power just like I think it should be something nice

I think like now that we know that Andy thinks of different things he can do with violence well he mentioned makeup so why don't I start wait we need names

okay my name's gonna be Well, he mentioned makeup, so why don't I start? Wait, we need names. Okay. My name's going to be... My name's going to be Buying Haze. What if I'm Bonnie Bargain? Okay. Bonnie Bargain Hunt. That's so much better than the first one. Maybe just Bonnie Hunt.

No, I think Bonnie Bargain Hunt is good. Oh. That's good. Okay. And then... I'll be maxed out credit Kurt. Andy, you want to be Sugar Smacks again? Yeah.

No, you can't be Sugar Smacks anymore. No, you can't. Oh, jeez. Oh. You want to do it at the end again? I'll just be Jason Sklar. I saw him on the table. Can we cut this?

Sam Dulles, he doesn't have that technology. Some of the other engineers do, but he just doesn't. Yeah, he got rid of it. Cool. So, okay. Hey, sluts. Fuck you. Here we go.

It's like I got the best frigging U-Haul. Check it out. What's in my bag? Clump. Oh, man. Frigging, oh, this makeup is so good. Here's a white paint. Put that on your face.

And then here's some green hair dye. What else do we have? What else do we have? Ooh, big red lips. Yeah, put that on. Oh, no. Becoming him. No.

I got to get that bat. Why are you being so serious? Gotham. So my haul video became I became the Joker. So that's a danger for Bonnie Bargain Hunt. I'm sorry it's been so long since I uploaded, but Bonnie Bargain Hunt did become the Joker, so if we're going to do another makeup one,

please be very careful of that. I had some other stuff in my bag. Obviously, more wax lips. There was some fake blood. There was an orange pumpkin bucket with a handle. There was a wolf mask. What else was in the bag? Oh, just some nice crackers.

And so somebody else can go. Okay, I'll do mine really fast. No, don't. See, this is why I wanted you to go. Because now every time you do yours, you're in this place where you're feeling so good. You're like, oh, I just did such a good one. What do you mean? And now you have to do stuff for mine.

That's YouTube, baby. Is it? That's YouTube. Okay, just let me do mine really quick. Yeah, great. Hello, it's Buying Hayes again. And once again, I bought a bunch of those pills that you put into water. They become dinosaurs.

So I'm going to drop them into the water one by one oh no i dropped them all in that's it and they all became they like it's ruins the experience because you're just watching them all moosh out at the same time and you want to drag it out. I think the whole point of these videos is that you can kind of watch them evolve one at a time. All the plastic gets everywhere. I'd like to hear from... What's your name?

Maxdow Credit Kurt. I'd like to hear from Maxdow Credit Kurt. What did you get today? Hey, what's up, guys? Maxdow Credit Kurt. Just got back from the dump. Going to go through this trash bag real quick. Oh, nasty. Some old clothes.

Some old nasty clothes. Whoa, these are old. Oh, they are covered in coffee grounds. That was probably just somebody dumped some coffee grounds over the top, and they kind of trickled down. So there's some coffee grounds in here. Oh, a purple suit. A purple suit.

A purple suit. Oh, no, I'm putting the purple suit on. Oh, no. Where is the Batman? Oh, no, I'm putting the purple suit on. Oh, no. Where is the Batman? Oh, no. That's our credit card. Maxed out credit card. So many of these characters are being ruined by becoming the Joker.

Oh, no. Shit, maxed out credit card. It doesn't seem like he would use a credit card. No, he probably got that garbage truck. He's got to go to the garbage dump. Yeah, and then he got the Joker's old suit. That's chaos for you. Well, Andy, who am I again?

Andy who am I again? you were going to come up with a name during the extraordinary amount of time we gave you I'm Bonnie Bargan hey everybody what's up sluts it's Bonnie Bargan back at ya

check out this haul that I got we don't need the why does Bonnie Bargain back at you. Check out this haul that I got. We don't need the ear thing. Bonnie Bargain get it again, and none of us did. Bonnie Bargain Hunt didn't get it. Buying Haze didn't get it. And Maxed Out Credit Card didn't get it. Check out this makeup I got. Oh, wait, it's actually the joke is that I got Halloween makeup.

I'm going to dress up like a Dracula. This freaking, this owns. Make sure you give it a thumbs up. I like that one. I like it. And now Sam's going to put it first. Sam. Sam, what's your name?

Anthony Michael Hall. Okay, that's good. That's really good. It's just a letter I got. Tim, cut that. That's better than ours. Edit that. Don't be funnier than us on the show.

But go ahead. Go do your haul. It's just a letter. It's a threat. Someone mailed me a threat. This is a threat letter. What are they threatening to do? It says,

it wants me to tell me where the Batman is. And it's signed, but there's a playing card at the bottom of it. Like a... Is it a clown one? Queen of...

No, the clown one. The Jack, yeah. The clown. Yeah, the Jack. like a the clown one queen no the clown one the jack yeah the clown yeah the jack it's the jack of clowns what's another kind of video that we can do fast we could do they have like

unboxing videos where like it's pretty much the same as the haul but there's it's like a box instead of a bag okay well what's a box what's a we need to have one yeah you have a box or anything i mean there's a tissue box on the counter and we just rip it up yeah we rip it

open unbox some of those tissues it's rogue One. Maybe there's like a toy in there. It's actually a fucking war movie. Okay. I'll go first. I'm Johann Sebastian Box. And no, that's not the same thing as Sam's idea. It's more...

Mine's more educated. Yours is like an actor, mine's like more educated. Yours is like an actor and mine is like a guy who did some of the most famous music ever. So before anyone says that. Okay, so I'm doing the box. So I got this box of the mail. Let's see what's on the outside.

There's some characters. Okay, and I'm opening the box okay and inside I'll just pull them out one by one so the first thing we have is a kind of interesting paper something you could use for

a like a journal that you could dissolve so nobody reads it. And here's another one of those for tomorrow. You can write out tomorrow. And this one is really interesting. You could use to do, like they have these special dances that you do

with paper in other cultures and you wave it around. And this one you could pull out of your mouth like a clown. Like the Joker. So I did the Joker thing now. Okay, well let's have Drew do one. Okay. Do you have a name? Yeah, I'm

George Foreman, the Unboxer. Okay. Okay, this is an Amazon box. It's got the blue tape on it. I'm taking the blue tape off. Oh, it is an external hard drive. Pulling it out.

And everything's out. It's out. Oh, that was really good. It was quick. There was only one box, and then there wasn't enough stuff. You work with what you have. That's part of the fight. You don't know what's in there. It went too quick.

I didn't want it to go that fast. Yeah. But I think people can relate to that. Yeah. Sometimes you just blow through. You box too quick. And that's your brand. You're the unboxing guy who doesn't mess with all the freaking bells and whistles.

I'm a premature unboxer. Here's a way it could go slower next time, I think. If you open it with the open side up instead of down, you can control how fast you take it out. Because, yeah, the hard drive just fell out of the bottom of the floor. It did just fall on the ground, and not even in a loud way, just under the rug. No, a very quiet way, which some ASMR people might have liked.

Okay, well, I'm a fantastic Mr. Box. I'm sorry it's been so long since I uploaded. So, and I'm going to borrow a little bit from your – some tricks I've learned from a very funny man who happens to be a guest on the show. Well, here now, here yet, this box – yeah, intern Andy, go ahead and give me this box. He stopped by the old trailer I live in. And so I'm opening up the box. Yeah, I was there watching a little cowboy TV. Goddamn, no static there, you know, no reruns.

So I open in the backs, and I'm getting it open, and this is from Intern Andy, and I'm taking the, let me get my switchblade out that I use for hunting ducks, and I cut the thing open, and it's a fucking gun. Holy shit, it's a fucking gun. This is a fucking solid gold Desert Eagle 44 Magnum, and it's loaded, and it's shooting at me. Oh, my God, Intern Andy's hand's attached to it. Intern Andy was inside the box with the gun. Holy shit, he's trying to kill me. Oh my God, intern Andy's hands attached to it. Intern Andy was outside the box with the gun. Holy shit, he's trying to kill me.

His whole thing is violence. He's blasting nine inch nails at me. I wanna fuck you like an animal. I wanna run from the inside. Head like a hole. We need control. I Head like a hole. We're in control. I'm in a debt. Oh, my God.

Okay, I'm hiding in a hole that I dug earlier because I'm from the south. And there's some pecans in here, so I should be okay for a little while. That's another Drew Tarver specific. I'll just start munching on these. Oh, no. They're poison. Somebody poured a bottle with a freaking skull and crown bones all over the pink hands. I'm sorry it was so long before I uploaded this.

I'm sorry it took me so long. Please subscribe for more videos. So that was Fantastic Mr. Box. Wow. That's nice. Okay, Andy, do this one quick because we should have enough time. I can hear the guys out there now, the Carnival Bank guys. I feel like if Drew, if we got out there, if we ended in time,

you could be leaving this show and we'll be like, oh, yeah, we'll do a whole thing of laughing and we had such a good time on this show. That could be really great for you doing the ninth anniversary show. Right, that's true. Because as he's thinking about the eighth, he'll be thinking like, oh, that was fun, but they seem like they had such a good time. Yeah, let's be loud

and having a blast. That could be really funny. So let's get that going. Okay, I'll just do mine quick. Hey, everybody, this is Box and Roll. I'm here on Box. I got a box here. Oh, it's just kind of a regular box. Let's open it up and see what's inside.

Oh, shit, it's Kevin's head like in the end of Seven. It's cool that he's dead. Thanks for watching. Make sure you give thumbs up. What a noise. What a noise he made after he said, I'm going to do that noise. Sam's got to go even.

This is the Boxton Strangler. I'm opening my box, and there's a watermelon, and then there's what looks like a Sledge-O-Matic. Oh, please, no. I'm smashing the watermelon. No, no, no. This is not our thing. It's getting all over the audience.

No, this is not our thing. No, no. And now we can't even do YouTube anymore. And they're loving it. Well, that killed YouTube for us. We can't do it. So tune in next week when we'll have a different idea for what to do instead of the show. What's Carl Sardis Jr. doing?

What's he going to be up to next? When am I going to see him? I don't know. I mean, I bet he'll be in like a rib joint and putting ribs on a burger or something. Or he'll probably be hawking curly fries or something. Oh, wow. I could really see liking that. Yeah, yeah.

You'll love this. Yeah. Okay, good. Great. Okay. Anything else? Good. Great.

Okay. Anything else? Yeah, just check out season two of The Teacher's Lounge on Stitcher Premium. Stitcher Premium. Rolls off the tongue. Yeah. Bye. Bye. This has been an Earwolf production.

Executive produced by Scott Aukerman, Chris Bannon, and Colin Anderson. For more information and content, visit Earwolf.com. That was a HateGum Podcast.