Hollywood Handbook - Erin Gibson, Our Close Friend Again

Episode Date: October 31, 2017

Sean and Hayes are joined by ERIN GIBSON of Throwing Shade who is doing the show as a form of twisted revenge. This episode is sponsored by Harry's and ZipRecruiter.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a Head explode the hardest. We're going to a parade that we don't agree with. I don't have to say what culture it is, but they're having their own parade, and we're going to juice the parade, and we're going to forcibly juice the parade against the parade's will. Now, we don't want anyone to get hurt, but we want them to get a little sticky. Because that's how I feel, right? I'm seeing this parade, it's giving me some sticky feelings. And so I'm the only one who gets to feel that way?

I don't think so. And so, fair square, we're squeezing nectarines to see which one really feels like it's about to explode. At the farm or at the store? Hmm? Farm or store? It's one of these farm stores. Got it.

Now, Topher, who has just impeccable timing, goes, hey, remind you of anything? Okay. Now, I have no idea what he's talking about. So, I say. But the timing is excellent. But the timing and the delivery is off the charts. So you know it's going to be good.

So I go, no, it doesn't. And he goes, really? And I'm like, yeah, seriously, this doesn't remind me of anything. It's kind of reeling you in. And I'm getting ready. I'm like, oh, Jesus. I'm excited for you.

And I go, no, really does it and he goes like no are you being fucking serious right now like does this not remind you something and i'm going this must be so good yeah so i go i go okay tophor no it doesn't and he goes like oh okay, okay, never mind then. And I go, well, this is really going to be good. You know? He must have something. And then Catherine trips. Yeah. Breaks her fucking knee. Oh, no.

And so then I'm like, I'm never going to get to hear what Topher was going to say, you know, because we've got to, like, carry her to the helicopter. Do you think he had something in mind, or do you think he just kept saying, like, really, because he wasn't sure what to say? Well, and I won't find out, but I know Topher pretty well, and his timing's impeccable. His delivery is bone dry, and he's got this sort of boyish look with an elderly wisdom,

and the combination is devastating. So I think he probably did have something. I got to get him back in that spot. I hope those frigging so-and-sos have another parade. Hey, welcome to Hollywood Handbook, an insider's guide to kicking butt and dropping names in the red carpet lineback hallways of this industry we call showbiz. I love saying it.

I love doing the show. I love the possibility when we're just starting and there's so much that could happen in this hour of our lives. And I wish it would last forever. What up, what up? Remember we used to say that at the beginning of the show.

And Aaron's here. Oh, it's Aaron. You guys seem to be upset about it. Well, you can guess what happened and everyone at home is like, okay, I get it. And it's all falling into place right now. But we might as well explain it anyway. That's about as plain as the nose on your face. Which is Aaron.

So we had Brian Safi. Who was so funny. So funny. And such a delight. And it was really fun to have Brian here. So game, so up for it. Yes. He's fun.

And I think Aaron. We get to say that. We asked both of them at the same time, and Aaron was like, no, I have some fake thing that I have to do. And I think she was saying, oh, I'll let Brian go on there and expose him, show that I'm the alpha dog on our show. Oh, that's what you think? Here's what I think happened. Throwing shade. Because I have a similar theory, but I think she went like no uh brian and i are busy like we won't do that and then brian went like actually i can do

it and then she went you can the opportunity well i but i think after that she was like this is great i'll expose him yes so i think we're actually both like you thought that i was gonna just have him come on here. You guys would without me see how weak and unfunny he is. You thought he would lay an egg. But little did you know that nobody lays an egg on our show. We're generous performers. We are

making everyone else better around us and we're doing stuff to make it seem like they're being funny and it's actually us being funny. I barely get a word in on this show because all I do is support the guest and steamroll my friend Hayes. Now, what happened was Brian did get exposed

as a fun, funny sweetie who people really like and wanted to spend more time with. Yeah, of course. Lo and behold, our email starts pinging all over the place with Aaron. Well, I don't have your phone number, so I instantly did text. Using every channel that And lo and behold, our email starts pinging all over the place with Aaron. Well, I don't have your phone number, so I instantly did text. Using every channel that she can to get to us.

Going like, oh, no, now people will think that Brian's the good part of my show. I'm on this show with him. It's like 4 a.m. Now, of course, we freeze her out. We don't respond. It's so funny because I have a text message that I sent you guys because I knew I couldn't come on the show last week. Is it in your bag?

And it just said, yeah, oh, no, I plugged my phone in outside. It just said, hey, really excited to see you guys next week. Do you want to get lunch after? That doesn't seem like a bitter person to me. Yeah, and that's after it's already been scheduled, and the scheduling process itself is what we're talking about where basically we said no and then we get a call from scott ackerman and cool up on speaker and they're chewing us out they're like you'll never work in this

fucking town again we got we try to build a family here at earwolf and when you know we got one aaron's mad at brian and that show's not functioning. It's because of what one of our other shows did to them. And we go, hey, we'll walk. And they go, hang on. Sorry, sirs. Sorry, sirs. Look, please, as a favor to us, I'm sorry we were so rip shit.

And then I look at Hayes, and I go, you want to throw him a bone? And they try to make it seem like, oh, we don't own this company anymore. Oh, we take no interest in the data activities of every other show. We don't even know what shows are on there. They know. Yeah, they know. Trust me. So just to be clear, I'm the bone that you have thrown.

I didn't want to say it that way. I've been on the show twice already. And Brian's been on zero times. Oh, that's true. Yeah. So it seems, it doesn't seem like, first of all,

I know me. And you know me. Yeah. In case we've, I've been to your house once. Mm-hmm. I'm, that's not,

like, that, perhaps I have that inside me to be that jealous, but I would never, I do that in the privacy of my bathtub. I don't do that outside. Jealousy bathtub. Well, you better talk to Mr. Scott Ackerman about what he's got in your bathtub.

All the jealousy, let it float away on the bubbles. Hey, I get in the restroom and steam off every now and then. You know what I mean? When it gets just a little too hot. Yeah, sky, whatever. Yeah. Scream cry. When I'm about to bust, I got to go steam off. That's what I did say.

I'm no stranger to steaming off. Pulling my collar out real loose and letting all the steam out. But at the same time... Well, I guess I appreciate you guys having me on is the point. People think that work is over when you steam off because it whistles. Oh, yeah. You're like, oh, it's quitting time. Yeah, no, it's true.

A lot of people at the factory next to my apartment go home. I got a kick-ass basement apartment in my dad's house. What's the factory next to your house? It makes geodes. Okay. It puts something in them. Doesn't the earth do? Oh, they reformat them?

You've got to smash them open. Yeah, you smash them open, and I guess these ones, when you smash them open, they haven't come out yet. But when they come out, when you smash them open, there's going to be a toy dinosaur inside,

in addition to the crystals. So this is something offered at McDonald's in a Happy Meal or something like that, or a specialty... Oh, you don't know. Oh. Oh, more like Discovery Store? To me, yeah.

Museum store. Yeah, museum store. Science Museum, you go to the store. Okay. Hit the store on the way out. Bang, grab a... I mean, you love going to Portland, right? You ever go to Science Museum

right on the Williamette River? I have never been there. Oh, okay. Well, there's have never been there. Oh, okay. Well, there's a museum store there. Oh, hell yes. Great astronaut food. In Portland? Astronaut strawberries.

Astronaut ice cream. Everything you want. And you buy as much as you want, and it lasts forever. You want a tango with an astromango? Go ahead and get on down to the Portland Williamette River Science Museum. Now, we're not here to talk all about how you beg to be on the show which I didn't but yeah okay

we don't know I mean all we know is the phone call we got from Scott and Kulop on speaker like her mad mom and dad and I could hear Adam Sachs in the background being like, good, yeah, say that. And he's like, oh, I don't work here anymore. Yeah, supposedly.

All these people that don't work here anymore. First of all, it's an interesting company structure because most people who work here almost immediately don't work here anymore. And the people who stay all seem to switch jobs like every month. It's just like, oh, I'm not in charge of that. Like you email them like, hey, I was wondering about this. They're like, oh, I don't do that anymore. It's like, well, who does?

It's like, oh, Dan does that. Well, who the fuck is Dan? Suddenly Dan is the engineer. Josh is like, I'm running the elevator up at dad. And they act like it was always like that. And it's not like people who are getting like their job switched, they always describe it as a promotion. Yes.

And it's not like it felt like they were crushing their last job. I'm not clear on what the new one ever is. I like them. I like them. Hey. I love these guys. I love all these guys. This is my family. I mean, like them. I love these guys. I love all these guys.

This is my family. I mean, that's why I'm so concerned. It's like seeing your daughter come home with a new tattoo you didn't know about and you go like, whoa, should I be worried? Because it's like suddenly they've got this new letterhead and their job is a title that I can't make heads or tails of. So your adult

daughter who's living at home comes home with a tattoo but she's got her own stationery? Sorry, I'm just trying to get my head wrapped around the... Well, no, I mean my daughter actually hasn't come home for a whole while.

Yes, welcome to the family, Aaron. Yeah. We haven't said welcome to the family. No, thank you, I appreciate it. Maximum Fun, changing their name, I heard. Two.

Lots of fun. Mm-hmm. Because they used to be at the back. They're admitting that some of the fun has left. So, you know. You know, they can do what they... I think it's a good move, Mark. Still plenty of fun.

I think I... Yeah, don't worry. There's loads of fun to be had, you know. But to say that they're actually at capacity and maximizing it? It's factually impossible. Do you think, where does Feral fall in the whole podcast wars? In the food chain? Mm-hmm.

Do you think there's going to be a full late night wars situation with all the podcasting networks? We may be in the midst of it. It's probably going to be like these frigging thick games of thrones. Yeah, we're a team Lannister. Yes. They're the... Yeah, we are. We got the deep pockets.

You know what I mean? That's what Earwolf's coming in with. They're just throwing their gold at everything. Got all the iron banks behind us. Feral is probably like the Starks. Don't you think? Totally. They're sort of noble in what they do.

And they have a code that they live by. They have real principles. But at times, it's been the very thing that comes to bite them on the tuchus. Which of the Hungry Games guys do you think I'd be? Probably District 1, huh? I have never seen those movies. I might be Hamish. If you really look at it.

You could be saying anything. You could say mashed potatoes and I'd be like, that's a character in that show. I would never do that. I would never. There'd be no cause for it. Why would you accuse him of saying mashed potatoes and saying it was a character Cody can you edit that

I don't know no say he would come on Cody Cody please Cody you have to Cody you must I can't

the implication wasn't that you yourself would be mashed potatoes which I could totally see you playing that role but no the implication was

that he would tell you that mashed potatoes was a character in the Hungry Games. Which, sure, they're hungry. Yes, but that's what makes it so sinister that it is so believable. Right. Oh, really? Yes. Have you ever seen anybody just go to town on mashed potatoes, though?

Like, been like, I'm really hungry. I'm just going to eat this pile of mashed potatoes. You're asking two guys that just did a frigging Doughboys live shrimp-off event. There's nothing I haven't seen, food-wise. Just the depraved minds behind that podcast. Did you have scampi? That'll be next for, oh boy.

Listen to the show. Hayes is the scampi squad. Aaron, that's probably the next thing for you, huh? Is do a big Doughboys eating competition. You've seen us do it. The email's probably already gone out. Oh, please. I've already emailed them.

I emailed them a year ago, and I said I want to go to Red Lobster with you guys. Oh, my God. That's what I heard. Silence. Of course. Silence. Oh, my God. I emailed Nick Weiger my previous co-worker

oh yeah that's right you do know little baby Weigs he's like four years older than you and he looks it so let's do

some of the do you want to hear a funny Nick Weiger story oh okay yeah sounds like you do is it real I don't want to hear

anything real this is where I come to escape? I don't want to hear anything real. This is where I come to escape. No, I'm not going to tell you this. I mean, I'd love to hear it off the air. I'll tell you off the air, but it's a real story. I'll tell you a fake story. Give me a headline about it. Like, give me the idea of the story and I'll imagine it.

We got to go to meet Valerie Jarrett, which was Obama's press secretary. And he had just lost a bunch of weight and had a suit that was the wrong size. And it's not the wrong size in the way. It's not in the way that you think it would be the wrong size. It was a little suit? He was new to European cuts. Oh, I see. So he thought he could finally get a slim suit because he had lost the weight.

So it wasn't that he put his old suit on and was like, oh, yeah, I lost the weight. He bought a new suit hastily to go to the Obama White House. And just totally miscalculated. Wow. We were walking. For some reason, I don't know why we didn't take taxis when we were walking from our hotel to the White House. Maybe because Funny or Die doesn't like to spend any money on its employees. But I had on heels and he had on a suit that was too tight.

So we were in the back just complaining and hobbling the whole time. You know what's difficult to do? Walk down cobblestone streets in clothes that don't fit. Is there a picture? You know. I have a picture somewhere, but I don't know if we have

a full body shot. You should just ask him about it. When you're with Weiger, always take a body shot. Might come in handy. Weiger does look Weiger, always take a body shot. Might come in handy. Weiger does look good. He's looking good these days. It's the old paleo diet. That should be in the Hungry Games. That's about four years older

than me. The paleo diet should be in the Hungry Games. Yeah, paleo should be a character. And that's like district friggin' health. So, you know, I do want to talk a little bit about a different idea. And so, obviously, you mentioned to yourself that you've been here before, so you admit it. And we played a game, an important game, a game that I think taught a lot of our listeners and taught us a lot called Is That Bad?

And people want to know. People have been saying ever since you've come on, I need to know if this is bad. I did something. Help me figure out what to do now. And I feel like we're playing a big game, just a giant game of is that bad now in the culture. The whole media is constantly saying, hey, it turns out a lot of this was bad. And remember when that thing was bad, but no one cared? We now think it's bad again.

And we're being horny shamed, and we are learning the rules. And I think this is good. Oh, you do? Okay. Because it's a lesson for the rest of us where we're finding out stuff like, okay, you bring this woman in for an audition and you hump her leg. This is against the rules. This is apparently bad. Thank you. Starting is against the rules. This is apparently bad. Thank you.

Starting now, I guess. Now, I appreciate learning about this. You work at a news agency and you rest your penis on a woman's shoulder while she's sitting at her desk. Actually, don't do that. Don't do the news. Yeah, that turns out to be bad. It's not, I guess, technically part of the news.

And so it's just not part of your job. Yeah, it's not. And that can, you know, I don't know if you know that, but that particular instance could happen in a news desk. It could happen on the Gary Shandling show. It could happen across different platforms. See, that's great to learn about this. You can't get so, like,

stuck in the middle. And you're saying that Rick Torn did this? Yeah. Now, where can I hump someone's leg and blast off in my chinos? Because it's not an audition, so that's going to stop. I'd say your wife, if that's part of the rules of your relationship. Okay, I will bring that up. And that's probably it. I will bring that up to Steffi.

I'm married to Steffi Graf. I'm not shocked. That's canon. When did this happen? Me and Steffi Graf that's I'm not shocked that's canon when did this happen? me and Steffi Graf? yeah years ago yeah it was like right

it was between Wimbledon's um so we do want to find out because like oh what are we supposed to do just like never even talk to someone again

you know or we like do we have to do have the office in a glass box that like the police are always like looking into and telling us what to do and not to do? We don't want it to be like that. Yeah.

But it is going to be like that soon. To shock you when you have bad thoughts or whatever. It's like frigging animal farm. I don't want the thought police. Yeah. I don't want the thought police. And so, yeah. And I do not want to get animal farmed over here.

So we want to know, ask you about different things, is that bad or not. So we don't end up in the frigging Boxer Rebellion animal farm style. Can you just... Go to the glue factory. I never read that book. I don't read or watch movies. You're clearly reacting

like you haven't read it. Yeah. Because you would be reacting very hard with some of the stuff we're saying. Yeah, you'd be flipping about.

I'm more of a watership-down kind of lady. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Sorry. I'm only into bunny animals. My point is that... All right.

Well, have you ever read any of the Brian Jacques series the like Redwall there's bunnies in that but it's a French person because that's another line stabbing each other with swords there's a lot of bunnies the bunnies are actually some of the toughest ones in all of it

Salamandistron was just basically about the badgers and the bunnies you know exclusively because the bunnies all sort of live up at this like just basically about the badgers and the bunnies, you know, exclusively. Because the bunnies all sort of live up at this, like, mountain area with the badgers. Yeah, I know. And they, like, have swords and they're strong. Well, it's good. It's not that far from Watership Town.

Okay? Okay. Martin the Warrior, you know what I mean? It's like, there's a bunch of them. So we, listen to this and tell us. A bunch of bunnies? A bunch of books. If that's bad.

Oh, okay. We've talked about too many books. We named like three books here. I can't believe your voice goes that high. Okay, well, I can't believe, you know, that you didn't see Animal Farm. Wait, I have a question. Are you guys writing all these rules down? Is this something that you're, are you creating a rule book for guys? I'll remember. Okay. Yeah, I have a question Are you guys writing all these rules down?

Is this something that you're Are you creating a rule book for guys? I'll remember Ideally someone else will write it down The Scoop Troop has their pens out most of the time When they're listening And so they can write it down And they're working on I think an oral history of the show And a lot of other cool ways to commemorate

What we've done here So this will get lumped in. If you're going to do it, write this down. I think a scroll would really serve this well. Because there is a lot, and I think. You know what kind of world would have a scroll? The world that Brian Schott created. One concern I have with the scroll is that when you roll it up,

there's kind of an opening on one side that for a lot of these guys might be sort of tempting. Okay. That's a good point. I'm worried that some of the people that might need this the most might try to hump the scroll. What about dot matrix paper that is continuous? A big stack. Yeah. Oh, it's all like – and so you pick up one paper and it's connected to the –

Starts to fold out. Some sort of format where a lot of people can read it at once. That might remind me of like a centerfold. Yeah. You know what I mean? Where you sort of pick it up and it begins to reveal more. Not me. I mean, I say me.

Me, I'm portraying the role of the kind of guy that needs this stuff. That needs this book the most. But you want me to just jump into a scenario? Yes. All right. So here's a scenario, and it's a pretty simple one, and maybe it's good, maybe it's bad. But you're at work. It's a late night.

You realize that someone at work with you has fallen asleep on the couch because they're just catching some Zs. You sit next to them for a while. You sit next to them for a while. And I'm me. I'm a female. It's either way, but you sit next to them for a while, or I do, and they're just sort of, they're really zonked.

They're snoozing. And they're just sort of, they're really zonked. They're snoozing. And you, you know, to be clear also, this is not, you know, this is not someone you are in a romantic relationship with. Just a co-worker. Just a, just. Subordinate? Someone who's there. Okay.

And you start to stroke their hair. Leads into a full body massage and a gentle wrestling match. But they're still asleep. They've woken up during the massage and the wrestling match is sort of the result of them waking up. So they're fighting you off. Well, hard to say. They have not spoken to you since so it's not clear so just tell me so you know yes or no like is that bad yes really yeah because it's my dog

you said person no i said someone at work ah it was my dog so maybe me stroking his hair and giving him a massage and then getting in a wrestling match when he wakes up and we haven't spoken since actually is not bad and is a big part of our friendship. And this is why we have to be so careful about how we report these things, Aaron. It is actually a lot of gray areas. Okay, gotcha.

I'm going to be more careful when I listen to your stories now. Yeah. Don't you think dogs... I've seen people do things to their dogs like kiss them on the mouth or whisper in their ears and the dogs clearly don't like it. Dogs can give consent too.

Okay. I don't know what that has to do with my story. You seen a dog not like getting their hair stroked, a full body massage, or a light wrestling match on the sofa? From people they don't know, yeah, I have. But clearly this is someone who you've— This is my dog. And he did fall asleep on the couch at work. I mean, that is really adorable.

It was pretty sweet. Yeah. Well, now she likes it. And so it turns out it's good. So I'm just, you know, this is just to illustrate. Don't go to the police. Well, I don't even know who's reporting this in this situation. Well, no one has to because it's not bad.

The point is that it's not bad. The point is that it's not bad. And so just you as someone who is the thought police, then to come in here and I just go like, hey, here's something I'm thinking about. This really happened. And then you go like, that's bad. And I go, well, maybe we got to be careful how we report these things. Hayes, do you have anything? I have a scenario that this is a person at work.

If it's a woman at work and you sort of see them facing away from you and they don't see you and you sneak up on them very quietly. And then very fast, all at once, you give them a giant hug from behind and then sort of lift them up. Is that bad? Okay. If this is a chiropractic office and this is a procedure that a medical doctor is doing. Yeah. Surprise. Adjust treatment. Which does happen.

Sometimes they want to have you relax. That's okay. It's not that. That's okay. It's not that. If it's consensual spinal adjustments. Okay. No, this is not that.

No, it's not. This is just someone you work with. Yeah. I'd say no. That's not okay? Yeah. Well, actually, it's my daughter, and I just got home from the war. Aha!

And you opened a business together? Well, it's halftime at the Super Bowl. Okay. And I'm surprising her. And you don't want me to do that? You want me to not see her when I just got home from the war? He got home from the war. You want him to call and go, like, hey, I'm going to come give you a hug at work.

Or do you think maybe it's a little more exciting to suddenly get hugged when she's like bending over, fixing the copier. Wait, are we at the Superbowl or an office? We're at the Superbowl, but there's an office in the back during halftime. Okay.

That you can go do faxing or whatever you like business. Oh yeah. Complimentary business. Yeah. Transactions. Yeah. It's like at a hotel where they'll have like a little Oh, yeah. Complimentary business transactions. Yeah, it's like at a hotel where they'll have a little fax machine. Yeah, you know how the NFL is just like a hotel. Yeah, I got it. Yeah.

Oh, God, I brought up the NFL. And this is like a real sore spot. Because we did it with Brian Safi. Erin, I just saw her frigging eyes go white. That I didn't get to put my two cents in about the NFL before I did. She wants to stake out some of that territory and have it be her thing. Oh, what a mistake we made. And Brian said you would do this. He did?

Yeah, he said a lot of stuff. I haven't heard the episode yet. Not on the show. He said afterwards. He's like, okay, now Aaron's going to come in and do this. And he was complaining a lot about the PC police. Oh, he was? Yeah.

And Sheriff Aaron. Yeah. I don't mind that title. I'll accept that title. Yeah, I guess. It's a power position. That leads me right into another scenario, which is like, all right, so you've got two coworkers. They're a man and a woman.

They host a podcast together. workers. They're a man and a woman. They host a podcast together. One of them comes on your show and is basically saying that the other one is one of these friggin' social justice warriors. Even though the person saying that is also that.

I don't know. I'm just saying the one comes to you and he basically says that if he's not offending liberal cucks, he's not doing his job. And he said that some of the stuff he was doing he was doing to be trolling. And that he had been trolling a lot. Okay. So everything he says on the podcast

as sarcastic remarks are actually how he feels. Yeah. Yeah. I guess so. And so he's kind of going like how do I deal with this frigging, you know, woman who I work with who, you know, is like kind of making it difficult to sort of do my job, which is offending liberal cucks, sticking millennials back in their safe space, which is, of course, six feet underground, pretty safe down there. And just triggering all these freaking sgw pc police and you know how are you like how do you respond to something like that i mean this isn't really

and is that bad i guess is it bad for that lady to be like not letting this dude freaking do his actual job for her to be bamboozled into thinking someone is someone else, essentially. Right? She's being tricked into thinking... She's the victim? Yeah, yeah. That's how I see it. That she's doing everything on the... This might have been a bad one to ask you. Because this is not about my podcast?

No, I don't know. I don't know who it is. Yes, this is about Howard and Kuku. This is Howard and Kuku. What did this person say? What else did this person say about their work grievances to you guys or in this theoretical situation? A lot of it was language I don't like to use. Yeah.

But you said the word cuck. Yeah. Offending liberal cucks. I mean, that was said so many times that I feel like I'd be doing this person a disservice to not bring it up because that is kind of their mantra in a way. He wants solo merch. Mm-hmm. Solo merch. That came up a lot.

He has solo merch. Like what? Yeah, he wants more. Homosexual t-shirts. Okay. He came up a lot. He has solo merch. Like what? Yeah, he wants more. Homosexual t-shirts. Okay. He wants one more shirt. Yeah, he wants more solo merch.

Do you guys have solo merch? No, we wouldn't. No, we like having... I like having joint merch. Yeah. For me, this podcast is about a host and his sidekick. It's not just about some sidekick out there with his own merch. Right. It's about Hayes.

Who's the host? Hayes is a host. I'm the host. Because he's trained in improv. The guy took freaking second city classes. You know? And so this dude. How many?

Every one of their locations. In each location. Oh, yeah. Chicago and Las Vegas. Chicago, Toronto, Las Vegas. Detroit, is there still a Detroit? Yes. At Gerald Lewis Arena, there's, yeah, there's one.

So he's taken all those. Yeah, okay, every single city. He's gone through it. And me, you know, I'm kind of flying by the seat of my pants. I mean, I just fell into this. Some of my rich Harvard cronies just gave me a fucking gig. I just went there. I was kind of smart or whatever.

Could have done something really helpful to people, but instead just wound up jerking off on a microphone. I luckily have somebody to provide some structure who actually knows improv and comedy. I will also say I feel like I was kind of lucky to get into my improv school at the right time. Mm-hmm. When, like, sort of anyone who was doing something there then seems to have been given an opportunity.

Now, like— Saturated. It's a little bit oversaturated, and it's not, like, as cool. It's not like just by doing it you can get work now. But that is how it used to be. But you're saying your talent level wouldn't have risen to the top of what's happening. Today? Absolutely not. No way. Way too much competition.

And then I hate to even hear this conversation because when we talk about talent levels, I go like, oh, I don't know anything about that. I know about money. I understand money and what it makes people do. And that when you get a certain amount of rich people embedded through a series of different fields, you kind of just point to one and go, I want that. And then one of the people from your secret fucking skull and bones club just goes like,

yeah, sure. Here, walk right in. They hold the door open for you. So it's interesting. That is interesting. And what's interesting about that is that pool always stays very small and probably gets smaller so it's more connected, more concentrated. Well, and it's the right kind of people in the pool. Like, what does that mean? People like me.

So, um, did you wanna, in order to kind of get back at Brian, did you wanna go after some American organization and reshape it like we did with the NFL? Like, did you want to, like, you want to, like, redo? Because, like, we redid the NFL with him. Like the Weinstein Company or whatever?

Yeah. Well. Is that too harsh? That was kind of done. Because it's over? Yeah. I was Is that too harsh? That was kind of done. Because it's over? Yeah. Yeah. I was thinking more like

Crate and Barrel or something. More something in my wheelhouse? I don't know. What about me screams Crate and Barrel? I mean, answer it. That's not even rhetorical. You just have like really nice silverware and dishes.

Okay. I'm just not even rhetorical you just have like really nice silverware and dishes okay yeah like a big American institution like that like Crate and Barrel like how I would make it I mean what about Brian Screams NFL that's a great point

muscles yeah just the freaking muscles and he's a man he's freaking strong as hell yeah did he do he did his bench press routine

he was doing like gymnastics and for his. Did he do his bench press routine in here? He was doing like gymnastics. And for his mass, he can move his feet very well. Yeah. Well, he's got insane calves. He showed you his calves, right? He put them right on the table and showed you how moisturized they are. He put them on my shoulder. I don't think that.

Is that bad? I would say yes. Okay. Because of. It felt bad. But if you can do it. Because some guys would just like rip their groins off if they tried to do it that fast as he does it.

He's got the limberness to sexual harassment. I was standing up, and I felt a full calf resting on my shoulder. Mm-mm. That's tough, because he must have been standing on an apple box to do that. He took my pulse with his calf. On your neck?

Yeah. It was pretty insane. For what? Okay, it's fine. You want to know why he did it? Talk to that madman. Jesus, I mean, he's one tick away from the goddamn snowman killer. We really come full circle with Brian.

First, he's like a delight, and I'm out to get him, and now you guys are off. But let me say this. The snowman killer is completely insane. Because he draws things like a snowman. But people like that. That's why people like him. People like him and Brian. I don't think people do like the snowman killer.

No, well, that's why they didn't want to go see the movie. Because the movie doesn't like the snowman killer. The movie is acting like the snowman killer no well that's why they didn't want to go see the movie because the movie doesn't like the snowman killer the movie is like acting like the snowman movie's anti-snowman killer yes for being so insane yeah but you're saying you're on the side of him because you're like oh america doesn't have i'm actually not ready to assume that the snowman killer is a him okay well let's i mean historically speaking, historically speaking, they usually are. I think women are better artists than that guy, in general. The snowman killer is assuming the policeman is a man, huh?

Mr. Police? I think it should have said Mr. or Mrs. Police. You could have saved her or him. I gave you all the clues. And then I think there should have been a gender neutral snow person drawn all the clues. Yeah. And then I think there should have been a gender neutral snow person drawn at the bottom. Right. Like half man, half woman. That's what they usually do with like gender neutral stuff.

You know? Yeah. If they really want to be PC, they would say, come save them. Because that is they them. That's a new. You that is they them. Yeah. That's a new.

You could have saved them. The snow them killer. Yeah, that makes sense. The snow them killer is completely insane. And how many times have you guys seen it? Me personally? Yeah. Dozen or so.

I heard it's not good. Couple dozen. Yeah, but you wanted to like, it's more of your thing. Yeah, it's like you heard it's not good. A couple dozen. Yeah, but you wanted to like, it's more of your thing. Yeah, it's like you heard it's not good. You heard what we did on our podcast, but you don't really have your own experience to speak to, do you? Always be informed. That's really good.

Other people's lived experience of the snowman. Killer, yeah. To not erase that on this show, I think would be really nice. Okay. But you don't want to do Crate and Barrel. Oh, wait. I'll do Crate and Barrel. You don't have to do Crate and Barrel.

You can pick another big American institution. Do you have a big American institution? Like Walmart? Okay. Sure. All right. Let's get into it. Okay.

So Walmart, A, number one, lower ceilings. All right. Ceilings too high. We've got a lot of wasted space. That's the biggest problem with Walmart. Can we crawl on our belly into Walmart? Or do you remember Chuck E. Cheese used to have a little tiny door, like a tunnel door? For children?

So that you could crawl in like a mouse, or is Chuck E. a rat? But you could crawl in like you're a rat, and your parents have to walk through the big boy door. Can we do something like that with Walmart? Yeah, that's a good idea. A no parents allowed door. Well, children basically run the economy. So that's smart on the business side. Kids rule.

Exactly. And I would, if there's a way to steal but not actually do it verbatim where a kid can be a kid. Yeah. Change that somehow to be more Walmart. Yeah. Where a kid dictates all the purchases. Where a kid can buy a gun. Exactly.

You know what I mean? That's a little more Walmart. I don't think all the Walmarts allow guns, though. What about in a state that doesn't like California? I don't think you can have guns there. Yeah, there aren't that many Walmarts allow guns, though. What about in a state that doesn't, like California? I don't think you can have guns there. Yeah, there aren't that many Walmarts in California. Because there's no frigging kid's door. There's no frigging low ceiling crawl on your belly through the whole thing.

You can't get on one of those little mechanic rolly things and just push yourself on your belly through the whole store, which I think is what it's going to be from now on. So California is going to see a lot more Walmarts soon when we're done re-breaking this institution. I agree. There's no games. No games. No games at the Walmart?

No, you can't play skee-ball and get tickets and exchange the tickets for a pan or something. So turn it into a Chuck E. Cheese. I didn't say that, but that's kind of a cool idea. And this is your idea, basically, with the ceilings. I think you put, well, and then, agreed, you separate the Walmart. Separate but equal, right? You've got the kids in one section playing with all the returns.

Kids only. Because returns are garbage anyway. You can't resell that. No, I know. Then the adults in the other section getting business done. And drinking wine. Can we get a little wine bar and some jazz? Like what Whole Foods does now.

Gelson's too. They have a wine bar with jazz. On Hyperion I think. Yes. Live music. I know you guys are in in the know you've been to the whole foods downtown with the oyster bar oh okay so um then on top of that because you're very head up yeah

uh-huh yes oyster bar for the adults A little place for the adults to wind down. Adults world. And this solves a lot of problems. Like Pleasure Island. Exactly. You can swing if you want. Yeah. Because the kids are gone.

You can swing if you want to. You can leave your kids behind. This is good. Yeah. I mean, we're always going to be breaking new stuff. So what if it's not, instead of just Walmart, which like, what is that? What if it's Wally Mart and Wally is there? The moose.

Is it a person? No, that was fake from the movie. That's fake. I'm talking about Wally the garbage robot. Yeah. Who forgets to save America. W-A-L-L-E? Yes.

Okay. But he is a cartoon. You forget to save America. Oh, W-A-L-L-E? Yes. Okay. But he is a cartoon, so you have to do a physical, like an actual build of this robot. Yeah, yeah.

Who's going to do that? Cody's working on that. Oh, okay. What are we doing here? How's Wally coming along? You're building a real life Wally? Yeah. Okay. And how's it coming?

It's... What are we doing here? Google image search for organic farms. That's what's on Cody's screen right now. I can see you being in dirt. Chickens, a bunch of wheelbarrows of stuff. Cody's like, what's something I could do where I'd have a reason to be covered in dirt all the time? I feel like people are really attacking me. I need a better answer. Let's work backwards from the dirt.

I always have a bunch of dirt on me. And then people ask what I do, and I go, I'm a sound engineer who's in a studio all day, and it doesn't add up. So let's see what we can find. I think it's smart, man. I think you're close. Yeah. So, yeah, I think you're close. Yeah.

So, yeah, I'm using my engineering skills to make a Wally. Okay. Not confident that the Wally will be done in time. How many bids did you get in for the Wally? I'm getting just one. It was just Cody and Ryan. Yeah. Ryan? Engineer Ryan. Yeah. Ryan?

Engineer Ryan. Oh, right. So you basically were like, I don't want to get out of my chair to do this, to find a solution to this. Yeah. Okay. And Dana said that she would build it too. Well, Dana makes a lot of promises. I know.

She's not even involved in this. Is that correct? Yeah. When was the last time you asked her about her WALL-E? Believe me, it's been a long time. She's working on her Porg costume. What costume? Porg.

She's a Porg for Halloween. Wait, what movie is that from? Because you mentioned it offline a bunch I have to say. Yes, we were talking about Porgs a lot before we came in here. Yeah, Porgs have come up a lot today. What movie? Is it from a movie called Porgs?

It's from a, so it's, I guess, to give a little background, Star Wars was kind of my childhood, and a little bit was my high school. And Hayes, you feel the same way, right? Star Wars was sort of your private academy. It was my after school program. Star Wars was kind of your private academy. It was my after-school program. Star Wars was kind of your second city classes. Yes, no way. And for me, it was my school.

Which is relatable for anybody who was over the age of four from 1979 to today. Exactly. Sharing experiences. And so, well, I don't know how many people shared it. It's kind of my private thing. I secretly am sort of into Star Wars. And I guess it feels like, yeah, more people know about it now because they fired up again. I would have to be scared to talk about it.

Yeah. Because people, because it's so unaccepted. For fear of reprisal. Yeah. The consequences could be huge for admitting like, hey, I've seen Star Wars. People would try and get back at me for doing it. And these were towns that you lived in that were full Star Trek towns? Is that what – or it just, like, it wasn't popular?

No, because Star Trek – Don't even get me started on TNG, but go ahead. Star Trek, yeah, for me was, like, another different school that I would go to at the same time. Oh, okay. But everyone else was like into cool stuff like Full House. Power, okay, yeah.

Yeah. Or even like Family Matters or the whole TGI thing? Well, that but also like they were watching

like Austin Powers. Yeah, Austin Powers. Oh, yeah. You know. What the cool thing to do was. They were watching Austin Powers. Yeah, Austin Powers. Oh, yeah. What the cool thing to do was. They were like so cool. Listen to Depeche Mode, watching Austin Powers. Yeah, wearing chokers.

Got it. Yes. And so it was a little bit of a secret for me, my secret shame that I knew what Star Wars is. Is this bad? Forcing a woman onto your private plane and pushing a button so that part of the plane

turns into like a sexy bedroom and there's a bed spinning around and you start to, you hop on the bed and you do different poses and you ask a woman if you make her Randy. Yeah, if you make her randy yeah if you make her randy and it's just a simple question do i make you randy and you say baby to make her feel

comfortable is this woman a professional like like member of like a some kind of like law enforcement office slash used to be a model yeah yeah. Yes. Okay. So you just have a working relationship with this woman. Yes. And she is openly not interested. But with a smile. Every indication that she's not up for this bullshit. Right. Well, she'll say like,

Austin, I gotta say, I mean, I came of age a little bit in the summer of love. Which was when? I believe it was 99. I wish I was joking right now. I wish I was joking. On tour, I mentioned the year

1999, and Brian says Summer of Love. And I know you were at those shows. Hey, I'm referencing your show. No, no, you've never. There's no way you could have heard it. You caught me. You don't release the live shows? No.

Well, we will, but not. What I'm saying is. Oh, scoop troop. What kind of like psychic connection did you and Brian have to make the same joke that makes no sense? We're both in pretty good shape. Yeah, that's good. Oh, it's a workout joke. Okay. no sense. We're both in pretty good shape. Yeah, that's good. Oh, it's a workout joke. Okay.

So is that bad? That's bad. I would say it is bad. Oh, really? Because it made like $400 million. Well, it was a different time. It was. That was when we –

And he was from a different time. That's right, which was even more backwards than the time that he jumped into, which was also backwards. Yeah. I would say that's bad. And also it's bad to like then keep pursuing the person until she wears down and finally falls in love with you out of exhaustion. Which I assume would be the next steps to that pursuit. But what if you're being funny? Do you have bad teeth?

Do you have bad teeth in like a kind of a pudgy, hairy type? Bad is, you know. I don't like to say that somebody's teeth are bad. Comically fucked up teeth. Non-traditional.

Okay, so now in this world I'm leaving her alone. Thank you for schooling me. I'm saying you and I go our separate ways. Let's be professional. Well, I think they, do you still have to still see this person because of some kind of like initiative or like task? Let's say our

mission is over and we say, okay, shake hands and say, that was fun. Bye. Keep it totally professional. Then she's in the hotel room by herself, and I'm not there, and random task shows up and blows her head off with a shoe. Mm-hmm. And because of you.

It's a shoe right through the center of her skull. Because she was. Because I wasn't there to protect her. Protect her. So she's not capable. Okay. So she being an MI or whatever. Which I think I did with my pump.

I saved her with my pump, right? That's right. Your penis pump. Well, honestly, it's not mine. All right. Who's it then? But I do have it. Who's is it then?

I do have it on me. At all times. It somehow got mixed in with my possession. I had a box of things that kind of when I got put into cryogenic freezing got set aside. Almost like when you go into prison and you get your possessions when you leave. But someone by accident put this era appropriate penis pump inside. And it's not mine, baby. Can you just explain? Because I can't really wrap my mind around the whole transaction,

but how you save the woman you're sexually harassing with your penis pump from death. I put it on a random test penis outside his pants and I pump it up so much that he faints. All right. Yeah. Pass out fold. It's so painful. Outside the pants. Or orgasmic.

His eyes, I think, might cross. I think it might be that just so much of the blood that he needs to keep his brain functioning so that he stays conscious is now getting sucked down into his penis area. Right. Over his pants, over his chinos. And the woman with a gun and probably some sort of martial arts training is unable to protect herself. She doesn't have a penis pump. Yeah, and she's too satisfied. With? Oh, sex. From what we've been up to.

Okay. Seemingly. You never see it on screen. No, but. I'm sorry, whatever scenario. But what you do see. Because I'll kind of pounce on her. I'll pretend to fall over. Over and over again. Yeah. Because that's bad. That's awful.

Pretend to fall over at work. Mm-hmm. This is me in a nutshell. Help, I'm in a nutshell. Now, that's not bad. How'd I get it in this great big bloody nutshell? Yeah, that's really... What kind of shell has a nut like this in it?

That's really... That's actually pretty funny. Mm-hmm. But I wouldn't... Well, now you see a little bit why she's so interested. I wouldn't accept it with your pants off. That's sort of when she starts to warm up to me i believe is all the nut jokes i think that is pretty much the turning point where she goes like there's i see the charm i have a question you guys are like let's say okay so eventually your harassment has um worn this woman down to

full exhaustion and you've gotten married or- Who said it's a woman? Oh, hazed it. And then next year, the next time we like see, like let's say you and I, we haven't seen each other like a year. And the next time I see you, you're with a blonde lady. Yeah.

So all of this harassment and wearing down on this woman has resulted in your break. Like now all that effort is like effort slash harassment. You have to start it all over again with a new woman who wears roller skates.

Well, not in this movie. Oh, not in that one. Okay. Yeah. Is that the timeline? Yeah. Is that bad? Yeah, because then I think the next time I see you. And I'm engaging in something with Kristen Johnson from Third Rock. I think you're going to bring up the next time that you see me that I am with a beautiful African-American woman. And I think what you're forgetting is that that's actually taking place in the past.

Yeah, that's right. Sorry. So that was groundbreaking to harass a black woman in the 60s. A lot of people weren't willing to do that. But the thing that happened with the blonde woman, I believe that the first woman I was harassing got on the phone and said she was fine with it in a very quick scene. That's right. She does. She's always like, good luck to you.

Yes. With the new girlfriend because she didn't want to. It was a lot of time for her that she, I guess, didn't want to put in again. The exhaustion that she experienced through the first year wasn't worth going through again. No matter the money, she was being offered as a spy or whatever. I'm sorry. Is part of this PC police business that we can't admit that relationships are hard?

And sometimes you don't necessarily have a schedule that lines up where the same exact woman can be part of every one of your missions? Yeah, because for whatever reason, she's not available or she's actually too old for you even though she's 10 years younger. Yep, I get it. Yes. Who do you think we should be dating? Basil Exposition's mom? We don't even know if that's her wig or not. We think it's a man.

We should be dating Basil Exposition's mom? Please. We just tried to's her wig or not. We think it's a man. We should be dating Basil Expositions, Bob. We just tried to rip her wig off. She doesn't want to date us. Who am I going to date? Fat bastard? Gold member? Well, it's hard because aren't you indeed also a fat bastard? Exactly. I'm not going to date myself

in a costume. Well, what about Kristen Johnson? What about us? Why not go for a lady who's – Google – sorry. Google search Jim Morrison girlfriend. That is what is on Cody's screen. Who am I going to date?

Number one? I'm trying to put the pieces together. He's going to go live on an organic farm. On an organic farm with Jim Morrison's girlfriend. Jim Morrison's girlfriend. Current girlfriend. Who died a long time ago. What is the puzzle?

There must be something to it. What's the third piece? What is it, Cody? On an organic farm with Jim Morrison's girlfriend. Yeah, can you tell us what the next Google search is? I think we're sort of wrapping up the episode.

I'm not at liberty to offer that information. Mm-hmm. Okay, that's a clue. Liberty. Did Jim Morrison have a girlfriend? The New York Liberty.

Jim Morrison have a girlfriend? I know he did in the movie, but that seemed too convenient. No, he had some relationships. Who do you think's lighting his fire? And I got to say, the stuff that he's doing, that's bad. Oh, yeah. Well, see, you know what?

I'm glad that you can see that now. Yes, I've learned that. And if anything has come out of this, I hope it's that everything Jim Morrison did to all of his girlfriends was probably unacceptable. It's not good. And what I'll say is Cody apparently wants a girl who is into that kind of thing to be on an organic farm with him. And he wouldn't say anything to dispel that. And there's some sort of legal aspect keeping him from talking about

the rest of what he has planned. So he has to go off the grid to some organic farm. Boy. Boy, oh boy. Frau Farbissina. Bye. Bye. this has been an earwolf production executive produced by scott ackerman

chris bannon and colin anderson for more information and content visit earwolf.com that was a hate gum podcast