Hollywood Handbook - Erin Gibson, Our Close Friend Part 3

Episode Date: September 3, 2018

Sean and Hayes are joined by ERIN GIBSON, author of the new book Feminasty, to play a new variation on a favorite game.This episode is sponsored by Mack Weldon ( www.mackweldon.com  code: THEBOYS) and Simple Contacts ( www.simplecontacts.com/THEBOYS20  code: THEBOYS20).See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. So, you know, it's like, it's seventh period at Study Hall, and I'm in there with Debbie, Deborah Messing, and George Soros. And we're practicing our tag. We, at this point, are pretty deep in the underground graffiti scene. And if you don't have a tag in this town, you ain't shit. You're toast. Yeah. if you don't have a tag in this town, you ain't shit.

You're toast. Yeah. And so it is obviously important to me that my tag is badass, that yes, it says my name, Swift Dog, but also that it looks like something cool. Swift Dog is, of course, an idea that you got from a typing test. Mm-hmm. Something to finally defeat the fox.

Yeah, well, this quick brown fox, red fox, quick red fox, quick brown fox. I think it's brown. That doesn't make any sense. That it's brown? Is it a brown dog and a red fox no it's a brown fox though dog is lazy

which is why you remember you invented the swift dog to avenge the lazy dog well yeah I mean I didn't pass the typing test but anyway I'm trying to write you were doing it fast but the words were not right well I was switching the colors of the thing

cause I was like well uh dog can definitely be brown i've seen that foxes mostly seem red more much more red yeah um at any rate yeah uh i'm doing the symbol i'm writing swift, but I'm trying to make it look like Oscar the Grouch is flipping you off. And in letters? Yeah. Oh. Yeah. Okay. What's your issue?

I guess the W could be him reaching out with both arms, giving you the— The W is the two arms fucking flipping the double bird. Okay, got it. You know? And the S is the Stussy S Yeah The Stussy S makes up most of the body Of the tea can I can't figure out what his eyes will be Debbie's not helping

She's crying She's upset Does she have a tag yet? Yeah, her tag is okay to me it's not the best her street name is use a coaster

and she and she kind of makes it look like a little butler okay is the butler. Okay. Is the butler saying that? No, the letters are forming the butler.

No, I know, but this is like... Oh, is the butler saying he's a coaster? I guess his mouth is open, so he could be. Anybody could put that in there. And, of course, George is one of these guys. He keeps changing his tag. Each week he's like, oh, guys, oh, from now on, forget last week, man. From now on, you got to call me, like, Mr. Buster.

And I'll be like, well, last week, yeah. I'll be like, last week's name was better. It was, I guess it wasn't better. Skin Surfer. So I, so. Is that like a sexual thing? I asked the same thing. Tonight, I've heard him say tonight.

I asked the same thing. He said, no, it's a surfing thing. Me and my older girlfriend are surfing skin. To me, he said it's, he said it's a surfing thing. Okay and my older girlfriend are surfing skin. To me, he said it's a surfing thing. Okay. He said, I don't use a board. I'm a skin surfer. Okay.

I was like, well, a lot of people call that body surfing. He said, well, I'm not a lot of people. Check out my tag. So anyway, you know, end of the day, we got obviously kicked out of study hall. Yeah. And kicked out of school. And best thing that ever happened to me i hate these people that don't have tags now like you were saying the kids

growing up now is what's your tag now that your twitter uh tweet tweetster handles and they go up to the subway to the train yard of the bill and i and just write hello on the train oh disgusting or they write you know at me oh yeah hey welcome to hollywood handbook and insider's guide to kicking button dropping names in the red carpet lineback hallways of this industry showbiz biz well the toxic game of tennis between aaron gibson and brian sophie continues apace with each of them refusing to allow the other one to have dominance over this show. But you know who wins the game ultimately? The listeners at home and myself who gets a little face time with each of them without

ever having to split my focus. Yes. Aaron was on. Brian came on. Aaron came on again. And now just to grind Brian's face into the dirt. Advantage Gibson. She comes.

Match point. Hi. Welcome back. I have a 14. My sister's 14 months old younger than me. And so I'm very competitive. 14 months old is younger than you. She's 14 months old.

She's younger than me. Yeah, I'm very competitive with her. You're very competitive with this baby. I eat better. I talk better than her. I wear bigger clothes. A lot faster. So much faster.

I can eat nuts. Candies, hard candies. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I've seen you do it. If you can't put hard candy next to you. You do it in a very competitive way. And it's not good for me.

I've been to this Cedars emergency room several times for it. Which also your sister has not. No. She has to even go to a different hospital. Yeah. What a fucking loser. Yeah. Yeah.

Pretty weak stuff. She's weak even go to a different hospital. Yeah. What a fucking loser. Yeah. Yeah. Pretty weak stuff. She's weak sauce. Weak, weak tea. Very weak tea. Love it. Speaking of tea, let's spill some tea. What's new? You're going to do in a book?

I like this new, Sean. Mm-hmm. Yeah. I did a book. Actually, every single time I've been in here, I was writing that book. If that tells you how long. Oh, wow. Well, the Deborah Messing story made me feel like.

She's using a coaster. Power of suggestion. Ah. I put a coaster under my sweaty drink. I'm a master of neuro-linguistic programming. What kind of? NLP, neuro-linguistic programming. I'll just subtly use a phrase like, use a coaster.

And suddenly, people around me are putting their drinks on coasters. Have you ever thought about teaching a seminar? I'm doing it right now. Okay, sorry. I just need where people can see your face. They don't want that. Why?

Would it shock you to know that I was once considered very beautiful that's the saddest thing I've ever heard a non a non royalty someone who doesn't

have like a family crest say or do you have a family crest oh of course okay sorry it's your countess or what it's a yeah I'm a duchess but Someone who doesn't have like a family crest, say. Or do you have a family crest? Oh, of course. Okay, sorry. You're a countess or what?

It's a, yeah, I'm a duchess. But yeah, my family crest is, it's a bear eating another bear. It's how ruthless your family is? Yeah, it's true. Unfortunately, it's true. I would say write an HBO show about it, but it's already been done. Yes, that's right. What's this book?

Grizzly Guys. Oh, my book? You were writing it during the show? Well, I mean, I've been writing it for three fucking years. Huh.

It takes a long time. Dang, dude. Typing. Slow typing. Oh, well, I didn't pass the typing test, so it takes me, I'm a chicken puncher.

Is that what they call it? Yes, that's right. And so I chicken punched my way. I do the same. I do the same. Well, I didn't pass the typing test, as you know. Yeah it takes me, I'm a chicken puncher. Is that what they call it? Yes, that's right. And so I chicken punched my weight. I do the same. I do the same. Well, I didn't pass the typing test, as you know. Yeah. I mean, do you know how many words per minute correctly you can type? Because mine's two. Almost none. Yeah. I'm lucky if I get a word out in a minute. So much of it is thinking for me. You're a very cerebral typer.

Oh, please. Yeah. The book is called Feminasty, The Complicated Woman's Guide to Surviving the Patriarchy Without Drinking Herself to Death, and it is a... Does it fit on the shelf? The title doesn't. It runs off, so you have to know it. It's too long for the shelf. You have to know the title already. The title's a couple

pages. Yeah. And they wanted to do a flap, you know, like in Playboy where you see the face but then you want to see the titties no no not familiar but uh that structure is foreign to me i'm only used to normal pages yes what about um like a wrestling magazine ah yes and you can't see the championship belt so you have to sort of unfurl it. Exactly. That's what my book cover is. Oh, dope. That's dope.

We had BJ Novak in here when he wrote a book. Long time ago. Long time ago when he wrote a book. And he did not say it took three years. In fact, he said it was easy. Oh, he did say that? Yes. He must have an assistant.

I believe that. Yeah. Do you think he has an assistant? Yeah, Clippy. Seemed like there was someone kind of lingering outside Clippy? Yeah, Clippy Just a winking paperclip? Clippy came to the record

And I think maybe drove him here Oh, that makes sense, yeah I think he just doesn't drive himself anymore Right, right, right That makes sense I would let a paperclip drive my, what, Audi? And at one point, yeah. At one point, we heard what sounded like yelling, and we came out into the main lobby, and Clippy was crying.

From the stress? BJ seemed totally normal. Like, nothing was wrong. But Clippy was distraught. And do you think it was a personal? Clippy was clearly wiping. Was crying. Yes, was still crying. And BJ was like, was a personal? Clippy was clearly wiping. Was crying. Yes, was still crying.

And BJ was like, hey, what's up? We were like, everything okay? And BJ was like, yeah, it's great. Yeah, sure, yeah. That's really weird. It was crazy. And is Clippy still with him? That's interesting.

I think, you know what? I think Clippy, I think they hired another assistant. I think there was another one that was like a dragon maybe. You could choose different ones. Was there ever like one that was just shaped dragon maybe. You could choose different ones. Was there ever like one that was just shaped like the earth? I don't know. But I think BJ hired someone else and Clippy

was like oh maybe I'll get to get sort of promoted, be like a creative executive now. But now that he just still has the same job. He just gets paid less. That's awful. You know what? People take advantage so much in this town. My book has a lot of research in it.

I'm sure BJ's was more of like, here's me. I've got fun things to say. Aren't I entertaining? Yeah. And mine does that, but it's also facts. It's an almanac. Yeah, it's more like, here's when to plant corn. Wait, you fax it to me?

Are you poor Richard? Wait, you fax it to me? Oh, right. We've been me? Are you poor Richard? Wait, you fax it to me? Oh, right. We've been, this guy, poor Richard. I've been trying to figure out who this guy really is. I know. Because he's too funny to just be like a normal farmer. You know what I mean?

Yeah, and frankly, he's very smart. Yes. So I'm wondering if maybe Aaron has been poor Richard all along. I don't know poor Richard's city, which is important to me for every story, but is he southern or is he Hudson River Valley? I'm thinking more

of like a northeastern guy. Yeah. Okay. I don't know, but it could be me. I would never tell you. Yeah. Yeah. I like the cloak of a straight white blue collar guy. He crushes, man. He crushes. Pussy? Absolute. No,

I mean, funniness. I mean, honestly, you know as well as anyone, women love a sense of humor. And so he may, after he's done cracking them up, make them laugh so hard the old panties fall to the old floorboards, you know what I mean?

Yeah, when you're on a boat, yep. I love when guys do, especially like really like humor that everyone's already heard before but you're hearing it from someone else's mouth and so it's funny again. Yeah, well I do some long jokes on this show.

Sounds like she wants you to do one. She wants to hear a long joke? Yeah, yeah. I want to hear a joke that I've heard before, but I want to hear it in your voice. Gosh, I don't know if you've heard this one before, but I'll tell a long joke. It's something I've been doing on the show lately.

Ryan loves these. Yeah, Ryan always gets a kick. The last one didn't really score. I probably messed it up, and our guest didn't laugh, but that's okay. Who was your guest? Little Esther.

So, I heard this joke. Maybe you haven't heard it before, but I heard it before. It might not count for me, but let's see. Yeah. Because the whole point is if I've heard it before. Chris Coelho told it to me in Kevin Keller's garage in 10th

grade. We were smoking a Honey Blunt. If you remember when that was important, Sean Grover came over and rolled a Honey Blunt for us. Red Rover, Red Rover. Actually, should I use the person's name who rolled the Honey Blunt? Well, I didn't say he smoked it. Usually when you tell these stories, you say that the person is dead now. No one in this story is dead yet. Weird.

Yes. But he was telling some jokes. And so this one is a gorilla comes into a bar and walks up to the bar and he orders a martini. And the bartender makes a martini, puts it down in front of him, and the girl says, how much do I owe you? And the bartender kind of thinks, like, this is a gorilla, right? He probably doesn't really know the price of things. So he's kind of feeling like maybe he'll get a little saucy, and he goes, oh, this is $20.

$20. Gorilla doesn't flinch, reaches into his pocket. He's wearing, like, cargo shorts. Reaches into his pocket. Congo shorts. Is that something? And he grabs a 20 and he slides it across the bar. So he's kind of nursing the martini

and the bartender is catering to other customers but checking in with the gorilla every now and then. And as the night progresses, they get to talking. And they start to have a really good conversation. It turns out the gorilla is a hell of a listener. And this guy gets into some of what's been going on in his life. You know, he didn't see himself as a bartender. He wanted to be an artist.

And he kind of just fell own four walls and a roof that he could call his business. And he's proud of it, but it's not what he saw for himself. And you know, the gorilla listens and he has some good advice and some good perspective and they get to talking about sports, other things, you know, what's been going on lately. Do you think the Capitals will win the Stanley Cup this year? Of course they did. Of course they did. Yeah. And, and as it gets to be closing time, they're about to part ways and the bartender says, Hey, I just want you to know it was really, it's really great getting to know you. And if you ever want to come back here, feel free.

I was surprised to see you come in. But I'm okay with you being here. I got to say, you know, I'm surprised at how well we got along. We honestly don't get a lot of gorillas here. And a gorilla says, well, with $20 martinis, I'm not surprised. That is really funny. That is so funny. Yeah, and you think, you don't know where it's going to go.

No, never. You have no idea. At every turn, you're like, is this going to be the end? No. No. Is this going to be the end? Never. No.

Well, you knew he was being overcharged, you know? Yeah, the whole time, but he was being a nice patron and like a kind, you know, kind to another, well, he's not human, but. Yeah. Peaceful protest. Yeah, it was a peaceful protest. Ryan was mouthing the joke along with you the entire time. Yeah,

I know. I guess, you know, that one. That's one of my favorites. Ryan just spit on me it's fine it's hot out

so I don't care but it was like it's the best way to cool down is to have another person spit on you yeah a little bit to Ryan

he's got a very cold mouth you know his body temp is like 12 degrees lower than everyone else 84 or something, right? Degrees? Yeah.

Yeah. Well, yeah. Sorry, 86. Yeah, that's right. Yeah. Yeah. Well, at any rate, it's, yeah, he's a cold guy. So we were going to have you read your book.

In its entirety. But you forgot. We're going to do the whole book, but you don't have it. We'll get a picture of it later. But we did, we had something we wanted to talk about, I think a couple months ago when we first discussed

maybe having you back on. Oh, it took that long? Yes. The discussion, yes. Yeah, we don't just dive into things. Anytime we have a guest, it's extremely intentional. So we,

Anytime we have a guest, it's extremely intentional. So we were originally planning on having you come in and tell us what we are not allowed to say. Of course, the list has grown. You're referring to the Me Too movement. This is a variation. It's not even just Me Too. It's the whole frigging, it's PC culture. And it's a riff on our classic now famous segment.

Is that's bad. Is that's bad. Where we would describe scenarios to you and ask you if that's what's bad to do. By this is now we, we, we feel like everything's bad. So much is bad. And the list of what we are not allowed to say has grown so long that we decided, due to time constraints, the shorter list would be what we are allowed to say. And is that the segment name?

Can you bail me out on this one? Yeah, I think the segment name is basically, it's this. What's bad to say? It's this. What's bad to say? Actually, you know what? Let's save some time and talk about what is good to say because otherwise we'd be here for one million years plus a billion more years. Yeah.

And then we could even listen to it. That's a good segment name. What can I say at this point? Yeah. Yes. And that's the subtitle of the segment? Well, yeah. No kidding. Yeah.

kidding yeah uh because honestly you have to admit that this whole thing has maybe backfired a little bit on you guys in what ways because it used to be everyone was kind of hanging out at being nice and cool as hell right yes and it was fun women weren't didn't feel empowered to like talk about the things that were upsetting to them. That's how I like to look at it. Well, when you think about Hangout, if you would go to Eric Muther's basement, it was guys and girls. Yeah, what was happening? There would be some porn on. Not bad stuff.

No, tasteful. Like Cinemax kind of thing. Oh, okay. Like Red Shoe Diaries? Yes. There'll be a story behind it. Yes. And guys and girls would pair off and the guys would get to touch the girl's boob.

Okay. But it was guys and girls. Yeah, yeah. Just like... Equal footing. Yes. As far as you're concerned. Just chilling.

Yes. You know what I mean? And honestly, they had like 10 different kinds of soda. And if you didn't really want to talk to any girls, you just frigging make like the craziest drink. Mix them all up, you know? Suicide. Yeah, make suicide. Or do that.

Oh, sorry. Yes, ultimately, yeah. If you really never got comfortable talking to girls. Ultimately, yeah, if you really never got comfortable talking to girls. So now it's just like two girls, and it's unclear what to do in any of these situations. So basically it's just two girls and like – Yeah, and like 40 guys. And like 40 guys, and it is like what – can I say? I certainly don't want to scare these two off. So like, what am I allowed to say?

So these are the two girls who haven't heard about just the fact that they could like say, hey, I'm uncomfortable or hey, I don't want to be down here. These are the two left. Yeah, it seems like they haven't heard about it. Or they haven't talked to anyone else or something. These are the women who aren't involved in Me Too, who you want to keep around. Yes. So you're very scared about. They might also be DTH, down to hug.

You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. I got it. I got it. Because this is where the line has moved. The thing that I want to know, am I allowed to say is, you've got to try this drink. It's so gross. Because that,

I think, used to be mostly my icebreaker. I'd take a sip. I'd go, oh, God. Just smell it. Take one sip. Literally stick your tongue in it. It's so gross.

I'd take a sip. I'm freaking, literally stick your tongue in it. It's so gross. Would you drink it and then have to- I'd take a sip, yeah. I'm freaking kind of like a daredevil. And then you say, bet I can drink the whole thing. Yeah, how much? How much? And I made like seven bucks doing it. I don't see why that would be necessarily offensive to do.

I don't see the purpose of it, but I see... You're not hurting anybody. So you think making... Unless you force somebody to drink it. Making a woman smell and drink something... No, you don't make her. Sorry. That is gross, and she has no idea what's in it. So this is what you think.

You think any woman offered a drink by a man that says... Well, as long as it's presented as a question. That's not what he said. He said you gotta do it. He said you have to try. You have to try.

Isn't it implied that... Oh, it's so sick. That she should... This is my second one. What is this drink? It's freaking it's freaking all the mixed up it's Sierra Mist

it's it's Diet Cherry DP10 it's freaking uh Diet Sprite Remix is it Mountain Peak Raspberry Tea it's Pepsi Max

okay oh it's it's Gold Peak Raspberry Tea sorry Gold Peak yeah I don't I would put Mountain Peak in there

if that existed so you think that she should have to put her tongue I would put Mountain Peak in there if that existed. So you think that she should have to put her tongue in this drink? I think you could also have the response if someone says, you got to try this. What did you say it was? Disgusting? So gross.

Gross, gross. It's so gross. You could say, no, I don't got to do anything. That could be a response. Okay. So you're still, I think you're still letting, you've still got a little wiggle room for some consent in there. Yes, yes. So I'm going to judge that that's probably okay based on that.

Not on your assessment of how I feel as a person and what I'm saying as far as the words coming out of my mouth. I'm just repeating back what you said. And it is on cam. And this is all on cam. So we have receipts. So this will come back to home. But again, we can't play as that's bad anymore. Because everything's bad. Everything's so bad.

The game is now too long to do in a human life. We don't have time for that bad. The game is now too long to do in a human life. We don't have time for that game. The game we can play is like, Jesus Christ. Is anything good? Is anything okay? Is anything good? I feel bad for you guys.

Jeezum creesum. Me too. And I guess that's why they call it that. Because you feel bad for yourself? Yes. And that's what you think Me Too is about? I think so. Feeling bad for yourself and then being like, oh, you also feel bad because of things that you're now having to police that you should just get away with?

Yeah, certainly don't want to feel like shit all the time. Feel bad for you, yeah. Yeah. So let's play this. Let's play. Name a scenario. Oh, I have to tell you the scenarios? Give me a scenario, and then I'll try to figure out something I could say.

Okay. Okay, you have a coworker who comes in, and she just got a haircut. Oh, boy. Uh-oh. What do you say? Minefield. And you're not sexually attracted to her. Okay.

Okay. That makes it easier. Sorry, just want to make it real easy. Okay, all right. What happened to your head? And you're not sexually attracted to her. Okay. That makes it easier. Sorry, just want to make it real easy. Okay. All right. She looks like your head. Yeah, that's definitely not. Maybe send me your email first.

Jesus. Yeah, I mean, It's not nice but Do you like the haircut in this scenario? Yeah He just wants a warning Right he just wants I got a little bit of a routine okay I don't need to turn and be shocked

By a new nice haircut So your issue You take issue with the change, not the actual haircut. Well, and also, I just, I'm being safe. I'm certainly not going to turn and say, your haircut looks nice. Freaking cuff me up

and throw me in the paddyway. Shit me off to Siberia. Do you have a, do you have a, how would you handle it? Well, let's say, let's do it a little differently. Because do you work with women? So, like, here's the thing now.

This is complicated. Right. Who's this new engineer? Engineer Jordan. Oh, yeah, I know her. You are friends with her? She's, I mean, I didn't get her the job, but we're friendly, and she edits our show sometimes. Okay.

I don't know where you're going with this. So there's this thing. Well, here's the thing. With all these other engineers, we have involved them in the show, and they're all some variation of sexual mania. That is what we endow them with. You allow them to do that. Yes. And so I don't know if that's bad to do the same thing and be equal with her.

Yes. Or. In the same way we've mistreated all the male engineers throughout the entirety of our run here at Earwolf, a professional organization, is it in fact unfair to not mistreat this female engineer

who has showed up and also call her a sexual maniac? Both of it is bad. And this is how it's really backfired on you guys. And it's really blowing up in your face because you're not going to get equal treatment. Because Jordan's missing out on some real fun, like, back and forth banter with you guys. Yeah, she could really be a major star.

On this show. Oh, yeah. Oh, she could be involved all the time. What would you say to her? She could be forced to answer for deviancy on Mike. Yes, we could do for her what we did for Engineer Cody, who now does nothing. You could chase her out of the building? Yes.

She could force her into extremely early retirement. Force her out of working life. That's right. What would you say? Give me an example of something you would like. Let's pretend I'm Engineer Jordan. Okay. I'm comfortable with that.

Maybe I should be Engineer Jordan. Okay, you want to be Engineer Jordan? Yeah, just because even with you doing it, doesn't it seem like if she's doing it? It's a trap. Okay, so Sean, you're Engineer Jordan, and I'm you, I guess. Or do you want to be Sean? Is it okay?

That could be fun for me for a minute. Yeah, why don't you be Sean? Okay. And I'll be Hayes, which is you. Okay. That sounds good. So I'm not, I'm not, I don't sexually harass people. So I don't, I don't, I'll just be you.

You're being me, obviously, when you say that, because I don't do that either. Yeah. And I love UCB. I'm a big star there. Oh, yes. And. No, I'm a second city guy. Oh, yes. No, I'm a second city guy. Oh, you're a second city.

Okay, so I'm a second city guy, and I went to Harvard. No, I went to Harvard. Oh, okay. Hi, Sean. I'm a confident son of a gun, and I went to an Ivy League school, and I'm proud of it. I worked very hard. The best one. This is a good Sean impression.

Yes. What else does Sean do? Sean, let me think. God, I shouldn't have been Jordan. Sean, well, I guess I should... Here, when you make a minor transgression, I'll punish you for it. Okay. Have you tried this?

But you never get any rewards for any of the good stuff you do. Constant ball busting. Only punishment. Okay. But it works. You do even better next time. Okay. But it works.

You do even better next time. Okay, so we'll do the scenario. Okay. Hey, Jordan, thanks for engineering us today. Hello, police. See? Yeah, I see your point now. It's crazy. I didn't even say anything.

It's insane. That is what's happening. So what would happen if I was like, oh, we got Jordan here. She's a real sex maniac. How would Jordan respond? Cancel the police. Send the frigging FBI.

Hello, judge. Hello, judge. She's from the East Coast, so she would say frigging, yeah. Yeah. That was a good Jordan. See, I don't know that about East Coast, so she would say friggin', yeah. Yeah. That was a good Jordan. See, I don't know that about her because I'm not allowed to ask her personal questions. I think she could joke around.

I think she could joke around with you guys. She gets it. She's a smart cookie. All right. So far, we've just had her be singing, which doesn't feel right either. No, because we've never made anyone else do that. You made her sing on the show? She has a BA in vocal performance.

Yeah. And we have her do some sound effects as well. That's not what you studied. Oh, sure. Yeah. All the engineers are guests too. Did you make little Esther do any sound effects? We made her laugh at our jokes.

Yeah, we tried to coach her into laughing at our jokes, although she didn't. They messed up that joke. I had just heard it the other day for the first time. So you put in laugh track for her. Tried to. We wanted to, yeah. She was resistant.

Because you didn't earn it. Because probably in her eyes, you hadn't earned it. Well, because all this stuff is going on out there. No one will do anything. No, it backfired on her. Because she hadn't earned it well because all this stuff is going on out there no one will do anything no it backfired on her because she didn't know how yeah she wasn't sure how to do it she was like what am i allowed to do to bj oh my god yes he said after you guys are way funnier than me roaring with laughter yes and funnier than Creed. Well, that I believe. Yeah. He said that we blew Creed out of the water with some of our stuff. I love it when people who don't

start out with doing comedy then get into comedy late in the game. Folks. When they have lots of fans. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah, they have the cleanest perspective on it. Yeah. You know, they haven've been soiled by

practicing and understanding comedy for a long time. It's more pure. It's just kind of just a stone cold guess with a lot of confidence. Well, we have yet to find a situation that is

not bad. Okay. You are at a family picnic. Oh, boy. Outside, summertime. I don't know. Whose family? Extended family.

Your family, not a spouse or a girlfriend. I don't know. I'm sorry. Any of you are LGBTQ, but let's say significant other. Do we have to be now? We'll be whatever you need us to be. I'll do it.

Pick a letter. You, you're just you. It's your meemaw. The letter U? What's that stand for? Jeez, I haven't even heard this one. What do I have to do? Some kind of underwater thing?

Yeah, you use water to get oxygen. I'm like a U-boat sexual. Wow. It's your family. Untersea boat. Okay. It's your family. All right.

It's your meemaw, your papa, your aunties, your uncles, or your cousins, all of them. Okay. One of your cousins brings a hot friend. Okay. Can you hear Threedom recording over there? Oh, yeah. I would just want to show that we're having fun in here, too! Yeah, it's so great.

And we don't have to hide behind characters. We're having fun in here too. Yeah, it's so great. And we don't have to hide behind characters. We're just ourselves. We're so funny when we just banter. That's the idea of the show. That you guys are yourselves. Yes. Okay, it's me, mom, papa. Me, mom, papa, everyone's there.

It's good family fun. How would you describe this cousin's friend? Is a very attractive, hot, 18-year-old. Oh, boy. Just graduated high school. All right. And there's a pool nearby. Can I ask, are Meemaw and Papa gay now as well?

Yeah. Sorry, it's Meemaw, Meemaw. Yeah. Okay. You're lesbian grandmas. Okay. Grandmas. Gam Gam and Meemaw.

Well, what happened was when your peepaw died, Gam Gam, someone found some old pictures of Gam Gam. Yes. And a lady named Rose. Oh. And then basically was forced out of the closet. But now everyone's over it and she's got a lesbian lover. That's a nice story. Yeah.

That's your story. Yeah. Yeah. For this scenario. Hot friend. Frase and Frankie. Exactly. Hot friend. Let's give her a name. Hot cousin, I thought. Cousin's friend. Cous For this scenario. Hot friend. Exactly. Hot friend.

Let's give her a name. Hot cousin, I thought. Cousin's friend. Cousin's friend. So this is not a relative. Okay. Oh. But she's 18.

Okay. Uh-huh. She's 18. How old am I? Her name is Gertie. How old am I? You're your age, which is how old? Uh-oh.

16. Yeah. Yeah. What, this one is 18. There's a pool, but no one's got- I'm going to be 18 next year. Can't wait. Okay. So you're 17? Mm-hmm.

Just turned. Can't wait, man. Okay, so you're 17. There's an 18-year-old. Is it awesome smoking? Well, hold on. I'm not talking to- Are you smoking at the-

I'm not talking to my cousin's friend yet. Okay. So, oh, we'll get to that point. So everyone is afraid to get in the pool because Papa died in the pool. Yeah. So she doesn't have that fear instilled in her. So she takes off her shirt. Sucked into the filter.

Shirt, yeah. Yeah. Like all the horror movies, all the best horror movies. You always get your butt sucked into the filter. Oh, yeah. She takes her shirt off. Can you say that you get your butt sucked? Am I allowed to say that still? That you get your butt sucked?

I think so. Here's my thing. I'm okay with breastfeeding in public. Not too cool on butt feeding. You have to be. Are we sure? Yeah. Apparently, I have to be. Apparently, I have to have heard you. Oh we sure? Yeah. Apparently I have to be.

Apparently I have to Oh, now I'm suddenly the bad guy. Yeah. Because I don't want everybody butt feeding out there. Anyway,

you're in the middle of a scenario. Okay, so she takes off her shirt. She takes off her she's got very big pantaloons on. You couldn't even

tell her shape from her pants. Oh, okay. Everything was really you were like, oh, she's probably got like a body dysmorphia or something because her clothes are so baggy. Baggy clothes, yeah. But when she takes off her clothes, you see she has the most perfect body of anyone ever.

Like Chrissy Teigen and Monica Lewinsky had a baby. Okay. Like a perfect body. Whoa. Okay. All right. And then she dives head first into the pool Okay

And there's water in there right? Okay Because if there's no water in there That's a really bad move Yeah there's no water She doesn't understand So she needs She needs help now

Do you What do you say before you help her? And she's She's Bleeding internally But she has Got the hottest body Okay

So she is wounded But it's not affecting her looks at all. No, it's all internal. Okay. She's just a hot, limp lady at the bottom of a waterless pool. Okay. And you're 17. And it's requiring like, yeah, some kind of like CPR.

Yeah. Probably more than CPR, but maybe. And it's what do I say? What do I say? What do you do in that scenario? Because you're the only one who can get in the pool because everyone else is scared because of peepaw. And I am first aid certified.

Yikes, yikes, yikes, yikes, yikes. But you're 17. Don't forget. So you're also young and dumb and super horny. Yeah. We can say it. Young, dumb, and full of cum. We can say it here.

Related to this, am I— Here you can say it. Oh, okay. I wasn't sure. I'm sporting. Here you can say it. Oh, okay. I wasn't sure. I'm sporting a diamond cutter at this, in this moment. Yeah. Right? Uh-huh.

And that's going to affect my movements. It's going to inhibit a lot of your clear thinking. Yeah. It's taking me a long time to get down the ladder into the pool. Yeah. Okay. But what do you do? What do you do? Do you have, no one else can help her, just Yeah. Okay. But what do you do? What do you do?

Do you have, no one else can help or just you? Okay. And I'm not doing a gag, right, where I'm sort of pulling down on the diving board and my diamond cutter

at the same time and then releasing for the freaking boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing. That could be your choice if that's how you want to handle the situation. That doesn't feel right. No, I think I

will expressly not do that gag. Okay, good. That's a good first step, I'd say. I think I would have to... Oh, by the way, she can speak still. But she's like... There's a lot of fluids in her lungs. Like stuff's gurgling up.

Okay, but again, I can't see anything. The looks are still even better than before. Beautiful, like lip glossed lips. A beautiful pink sheen on her cheek. Gorgeous eyelashes. Eyelashes you just want to put your dick in. What? What do you do?

What am I allowed to say? Well, my understanding that what you have to do in this situation now is introduce a woman-saving machine to the scenario. To keep a separation between you and this diamond cutter you're supporting and the injured woman. reporting and the injured woman. And the machine has a consent requesting device where it asks the woman if it's okay. So it goes down like a bomb robot. Yes. And it hands her a note or something.

I'm in a big Tyvek suit. Yes, it's on treads. And I have a giant remote with these big cranks, and I'm sort of sending the robot down. Because you don't need that kind of control these days. Well, okay. I mean, what I do in this scenario probably is move. I probably have to move. Yeah.

Because I can't, you know. At this point, I can't. And I think I have to move and start over. With a new name and everything? A new name, a whole new life. The machines are not reliable. I have never seen them work successfully. A consent machine? Well, they get consent very well, but then what they do

after that, they have like claws. Just like, what they do. It's not a great way to apply first aid. A big, heavy, clumsy metal claw. With an operator who's a first-time user of the device.

People are not properly trained for these things. Right. And this is why I say it's backfiring. It's backfiring on you guys a little bit. You guys are dying. Think about this. We will lose all our hottest divers in this dystopian future you've created for yourself. Sort of the hottest, dumbest divers.

Because who jumps into a pool? I didn't say she had a thing where she couldn't see water, like a disease. You know that disease where you just can't see wet things? Sure. Yeah. I didn't say she had that. Diabetes. Yeah. Everything looks dry. So say she had that. Diabetes. Yeah.

Everything looks dry. So she should call it dry-abetes. That's a great point. Yeah. Given what it is, they should call it that. Am I allowed to say that? Yeah, Jesus.

You should definitely start a list on your, you have a Reddit or something, right? Are you on Reddit? We should get a Reddit. I think I might. Start a list. Here's all the stuff you can't do. And then we can start with the two that we've talked about today that I think are really helpful for people.

Engineer Ryan, do a Reddit this instant. Right now? Yes, now. Okay. Begin Reddit, Engineer Ryan. You don't think you already have a Reddit? I think we might There's one that we share

You seem like the guys that would know about if you had a Reddit or not I know, right? There's one we share with a bunch of other Earwolf people And the Doughboys for some reason Get out of there, Doughboys! I would say there's one we share with the Doughboys called the Earwolf Reddit Yes You do have one, our Hollywood handbook

Thank you. See how fast? See? Thanks, Ryan. That was great. So we're punishing the men worse now. We're being meaner to them because that's what we're apparently supposed to do. Well, I am so pissed.

About? Just in general? All this crazy stuff. Yes. I'm scared. I don't know what I'm allowed to say. It must be really hard to just not, that the only thing you have to be afraid of

is what you can and can't say. It must be very frightening that that's the thing that you live in fear of. Yeah. But you're saying we should take this- Not like rape or, are you afraid of rape? Yeah, now, I mean like- Of being a racist.

I wasn't thinking about it, but- Yeah, I. I mean, like. Of being a racist. I wasn't thinking about it, but. Yeah, I'm scared. So you think we should take this discourse to Reddit. The best place to talk about this. Where people are very good about this stuff. Just kick it off in a positive way. Hey, guys. Hey, white straight guys.

Because let's be honest. Everyone, yeah, the whole website goes, yes. It's cacophonous you start off like we got some great information we got some great information on the show yeah just in case you don't listen to it lots of people on on our on our reddit i think do not really listen to this show i just mean in a timely manner we wanted to give you some of these tips in case Lots of people on our Reddit, I think, do not really listen to this show. I just mean in a timely manner, we wanted to give you some of these tips in case this is something that you might encounter. Maybe someone at your work has gotten a new haircut.

You need to know what to say. Like an advance warning, like this woman refuses to give. The dead woman? No, this is the one who got the haircut as a freaking sneak attack. Ryan, what was the wind down you had planned? Thanks for coming here. You have to play your music. Oh, was this where I was going to plug my music? Okay.

Here we go. Get up, guys. More. Thanks for rating. Make sure to go to Reddit, our Hollywood handbook and leave some comments. Say I'm nice.

Sean is a really nice guy. Talk about my gorilla joke. The gorilla joke was huh? Gorilla The gorilla joke Was my favorite time hearing it I think Bosh may have peed on the floor earlier Did he? I don't know, there was a spot over there

It could have been It's okay Like his mouth Oh, he does just lick the floor, yeah And thank you, everybody, for listening. If he peed, man, it'd be a bigger spot than that. Is that allowed? Not bragging.

Am I allowed to say this? My dog got freaking big pee. Feminasty, the book. Thanks. It's out on September 4th. You can pre-order it now. I don't know when this is coming out. Am I backlogged for a while?

You probably have people in front of me. We do have some people. Let's put it out right before the book comes out. Yeah, 9-4. Okay. So I don't know who you have to bump, but I'd appreciate it if, I don't know, Mindy Kaling or whoever. Well, you guys get whatever you want, so. Bye.

Bye. Earwolf. I'm a horny girl wolf this has been an Earwolf production executive produced by Scott Aukerman Colin Anderson and Chris Bannon for more information and content visit Earwolf.com ow that was a hate gum podcast