Hollywood Handbook - Eugene Cordero, Our Close Friend

Episode Date: June 20, 2017

Sean and Hayes are joined by monster expert EUGENE CORDERO to help them plot out the Dark Universe franchise that they bought recently. This episode is sponsored by Stamps.com (www.stamp.com code:HANDBOOK) and Happy Socks (www.happysocks.com/handbook code: HANDBOOK).See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

this is a head gum podcast so it was uh me and kyle uh gas we are uh we're on the ship we're trying to find this new friggin new world uh and we're so like basically we're sort of uh trailing freaking columbus and as soon as he finds it we're gonna speed up really fast and get there first when columbus finds it you're gonna sort of sit in his draft yes and then and then days of thunder style slingshot past him yes around the corner bang Plymouth Rock you smash in

Kyle Gass jumps off a little ding da ding da ding lay down a tasty riff a tasty riff and so we're and we're behind

we're in a glass boat so they can't see us and we're wearing blue shirts so we're like the ocean and we have little fish hats on so every time they look back we're just like these two fish

hey those fish I think those fish are following us where else are we supposed to be shut up Hey, those fish. I think those fish are following us. Where else are we supposed to be? Shut up, first mate. Those fish seem like they're following us. Hey, first mate, would you pipe down? And first mate's name is Smee, right?

Yes. Old Smee. He was young. He was like, at that time, he was very young. He was like a millennial Smee. He very boldly would say, time for Smee. Instead of like what you're used to. Yes.

So Kyle's being such a big baby. He has smallpox, and he's whining about it. And I have bigpox, and I'm being very brave. And one night, he's playing a little classical riff. Sure, yeah, just kind of a lullaby. To help me go to sleep. To swim sleep. Yes, my shift is over, so now I'm

going to sleep, but guess what? He puts himself to sleep too. Guess if he does that. He does. Wait, do I get to guess? Yes, guess. He's playing the riff. Your shift's over, so he's supposed to start. He got small punk, you got big punk. Yeah. I think he doesn't fall asleep.

Okay, he does fall. This time he does fall asleep. You're thinking of a different time. I was so close. You're thinking of a different time. No, Hayes, I almost said that. Yeah, you're thinking of a different time. Hayes, you have to believe me.

I know, I'm saying that I am believing you. Yeah. So we wake up and guess what? We're in the frigging old world. Oh, because the wrong you. Yeah. So we wake up and guess what? We're in the frigging old world. Oh. Because the wrong way. Yeah. Hey, welcome to Hollywood Handbook, an insider's guide to kicking butt and dropping names.

And the red carpet linebacker always of this universe we call showbiz. This university we call showbiz. I said universe. Oh, universe that we call showbiz. Because I was thinking of the thing we want to talk about. It's hard if you've ever tried to hold two thoughts at the same time. For me. The brain is for one at a time.

For me, I don't even do one. Because what I find, that limits me. So I'll go no thoughts. And then whatever I'm saying, I find out about it later when I listen to the show. Eugene Cordero is here. Hi. The comedy man. Come on.

Come on. Come on. He's the dumbbell. You want us to say you're something else? No, no, no, no, no. I just want to, I mean, I just want to hear comedy man. The comedy man. He's finally here.

He's the frigging dumbbell, and I can say that. Hey, he said it, not me. You know, if you call yourself that, you can't get mad at me, dumbbell. Yeah. It's a racial schlur. Schlur. Schlur. Mike Schlur.

Mike Schlur. Oh, I've heard of him. Watch Good Place. Oh, my God. Can't this show be nice? And so Eugene is here, and your name isn't right anymore because you used to have huge jeans, but you now have normal jeans. Yeah, I've got normal jeans. Eugene is here, and your name isn't right anymore because you used to have huge genes, but you now have normal genes.

Yeah, I've got normal genes. Little Gene Cordero, and maybe Little Gene Corduroy. Little Gene Corduroy. Little Gene Corduroy. Yeah. Yeah, I added an S. Added a little in there. Yeah.

And that's my new name. That's my married name. Yeah, because your original name was given to you by Donald Trump. Yeah. This guy, he's the best. He got huge genes. Yeah. Your original name was given to you by Donald Trump. Yeah. This guy, he's the best. He's got huge genes. Man. That Donald Trump is so good because it rocks right into his Italian, you know, like his

true Italian background. People don't include that. He's trying to bury that. He's trying to bury it. When Tony does it, I love Tony. Yeah. But he doesn't do the Italian. Yeah. He doesn't do the Italian enough. No.'s just like, you've got to get to his roots.

Baldwin hints at it. I'll tell you right now, Baldwin hinted at it when he got behind that piano. His singing voice really got the Italian out. That's pretty much it. Anyways, guys, this is a blast. So I said universe before, and what a fun little hint. Why did he say that? Here, I'll be the what a fun little hint for... Why'd he say that? Here, I'll be the listener, Hayes.

Hey, why'd he say that? You have a lot of call-ins just asking questions like that, right? Mm-hmm, yeah. We don't... Don't answer them. But this show takes a long time to record. Yes. Because we will stop.

Brett will say, we've got another call-in there saying, why'd he say that? We'll go, get him off the line. Yeah, and we have to answer it like we talked to them he say that? We'll go, get him off the line. Yeah, and we have to answer it like we talked to them for a second, and then we go back and do the show. And then we'll scramble. Yes. Brett, good job at editing that out.

Thanks, man. Please don't because we need to, his head gets. Yeah. Brett is starting to sort of become kind of good on the show, and people are noticing that. He's making major strides. He was a heel originally? No, it's not about heel versus baby face. Oh, okay.

Or just face. Because there's going to be a listener that's calling in right now that goes like, what are they talking about? Baby face is face. There is one. Is there like a kayfabe thing that's just like a dumb guy? Like who's bad at wrestling? Like the Barry Horowitz, if you will.

Okay, so he was like a guy that... Here's one of those guys who pats himself on the back. I've always seen Brett as like a Val Venus type. Yes. Ladies. Looking that up. Mr. Ass. That's what Brett is to me.

Yeah. Man. He just wears a small white towel. Oh, yeah. is to me. Yeah. Man. He just wears a small white towel. Oh yeah. And he takes it off. Little banana hammock. Hey ladies. So I said universe before.

Sean and I bought the Dark Universe franchise. Hey why do you say that? Oh that's why. I'm proud of you guys. This is the mummy. It's the invisible man. It's Frankenstein. Who better? We are so strongly associated with this product.

If you haven't seen the mummy, it's coming out in a month or so. And it's going to be so good. Hayes and I were able to see an early screening. Good for you. At a theater last week. At a local public theater. Was it the Burbank Six? I don't know. If I say it, they'll be swarmed.

There was not like a Hadouken seafood and buffet? Close? What I remember is the couch reclined. It's individual couch seating. I don't know that theater, but that's like expensive.

Yes, yes. And I did, yeah, I had the whole stuffed flounder. And by the way, Sean and I sit on separate couches at the movies. Please do not ship us. So we went to see it, and we have a nose for what's hot. And we both said, this thing's going to be big when it comes out. Yeah. Let's buy now. Buy the

universe. Own the whole universe. You guys are pros. Yeah. Because it's such a great investment, there's so many other monsters. And let me say first, and I'm sorry, if you're listening to this show with children, maybe you're in the car and there's small children in the car, get them out of the car.

Get them to school. I don't care how you do it, but we're going to talk monsters. Put them in the wheel well, please. In the wheel well. Yeah. Maybe you've got one of those center things in the backseat that you pulled out. You could stick them in the trunk. Console.

Yes, no poking their little heads through the center. And seal it up. Yeah. And then open up your hood and like start barbecuing. Because that's what kind of family you are if you're like traveling with your fucking family all the time. Get a driver. You know what I mean? And this is that kind of

podcast and it's going to be that kind of conversation where we're just kind of all out grilling on the car. Yeah, we're going to pop the hood and grill of all out grilling on the car. Yeah. We're going to pop the hood and grill up some good ideas on the engine. Yes.

And here's an idea. Monsters. And who's the best to talk about that? It's Eugene Cordero. Thank you. And we thought whenever they do

these universes they bring these people together and they start a writer's room and they say okay now we'll do this movie maybe after that we do that movie. How does this monster get friends with this one

and who does he beat up? The biggest thing about this franchise or these kind of things is who becomes to get friends? Thank you. Who becomes to get friends? That's a sentence that you only see in that writer's room. It's on the whiteboard

at the top written in paint so they can't wipe it off. And who's being mad. Yeah, who's being mad. And who's being mad. Who becomes to get friends. Who becomes to get friends. And who's being mad.

And who's being mad. Who's in love. I'm glad they're throwing that in so that it feels real. Without love, it doesn't feel real. You tell me Frankenstein ain't trying to get it in. Remember Jersey Shore? Oh, man.

When they would be like, did you smash? That's going to be a Frankenstein thing in your world, huh? Yeah. Frankenstein is essentially Ronnie from Jersey Shore. And fingers crossed, I think we can get the real Ronnie let's not jump ahead also I'm happy that I'm here

to talk about this with you guys and help but if I get too much of this inside baseball I'm going to be upset when I go to see it and I know too much as a fan because I'm a huge fan of monsters I'm a fan that you guys you don't want to be that... Because I'm a huge fan of monsters. I'm a fan that you guys... You wouldn't know it from

seeing you shoot them beat them up. Was it sad for you beating up King Kong? Yeah. Did that make you a little sad? It makes me a little sad. I mean, if you pause... When the DVD comes out and you pause, you'll see it in my eyes. I put it in my work. What kind of features are we talking about?

What kind of features on my face? On the DVD. On the DVD. What else are we? We're going to hear a little bit of DVD commentary, some deleted scenes. Recommendations for other movies? Recommendations for other movies, yeah. Yeah. Is there another movie starring the sword?

There'll be a prequel where it's just the sword kind of... This I'm interested in. Handling its own business. But that's its own universe. Weapons? Yeah. The weapons-verse. The weapons-verse.

You know. That might be another investment. That might be an investment. Right now you guys are in the dark universe. I'm into it. Yeah, yeah. The monsters are fighting the weapons. The axe is friends with the sword.

Yeah. Axe, sword. Yeah, get the axe from Lord fighting the weapons. Axe is friends with the sword. Yeah. Axe. Yeah, get the axe from Lord of the Rings. The sword from Kong. And my axe. Just get that guy. Oh, no. I don't even need the guy.

Yeah. You're right. So instead of in my axe, we just change it a little bit. We just get into the ADR and he goes, and me, the axe. And he's a little bit Italian like you. Yeah. We just change it a little bit. We just get into the ADR and he goes, and me, the axe. And he's a little bit Italian like you. You just did. All my characters are from the old country. And there's a reason

for that. Yeah. That's a voice I can do well. Got it. I'm impressed. Let's put it on the board. Let's put all the guys on the board. Tom Cruise is a mummy. Done it on the board. Let's put all the guys on the board. Tom Cruise is a mummy. Done.

In the books. Johnny Depp is the invisible man. Not touching it. Solid gold. That's already in place. Tom Cruise is the mummy? Well, he has mummy powers. I see.

And already, yeah, we're giving up a big one. I thought Homegirl was the mummy. You know that mummy who's high? You want to fuck the mummy? Don't say that. Just show me that. Just say you're looking to smash. Sorry. Yes.

Sorry that you want to smash. Let's talk Frankenstein speak if we're going to live in it. Yeah. This will help me sort of drop into the world and see it through Frankenstein's eyes. Ronnie Stein. Well, Hayes doesn't want us to talk about that yet but Sammy Sweetheart could be great

so ideally when you're seeing that sexy hot mummy I don't know who she is she's but I'm looking to smash

and you're trying to get it in through the rappings yeah what you don't know is Tom Cruise beats her Yeah, but then he is the mummy.

by doing what she wanted to do. He beats her at her own game? Yeah. Heard of it. The whole movie she's trying to do something. And then he does it. And somehow, like, that makes her die.

Yeah. No, no, no. But it's the thing she was supposed to do to make her live forever. Yeah. And he does it. Why did he get the powers? Because I was kind of eating the fish, like holding up the fish and eating it during the power part. Oh, you guys both got the flounder.

Yes. And it's a whole fish. I believe that's when you had a bone. Yes. That's why if you're doing whole fish, you got a bone in your eye? Yes. Well, that's where it came out, luckily. Oh, and in through the nose.

It was way up in his head somewhere. Oh. And we started just popping them from different angles. Well, that's where it came out, luckily. Oh, and in through the nose. It was way up in his head somewhere. Oh. And we started just popping him from different angles. Yeah. You know, open palm. Through the tear duct it came out eventually because I was crying because that part of the movie is so sad. It is really sad that he has so much powers and he doesn't know, am I going to be good?

Because when you're, obviously, this is a universal thing that's always been true. When your eye becomes two eyes. When your eye becomes two eyes, uh-huh. Yeah. And you sort of have another iris and pupil. Like a mummy. That's as evil as you can be. That's the mummy. Oh, okay.

So he's trying to keep his eye together somehow. It's really what's going on. You probably just, I mean, I don't know. I don't know how to solve the mummy's problem, and I'm not here to do it. If I was, I would say try a magic eye. Oh. Put one of those posters in front of you and just really focus.

Put those eyes into one eye and see the dolphin or whatever. So, oh, right. It looked like just a mess. A mess. And then, wait a minute, it's Green Giant and Sprout. Yeah, usually it was that, I think. I always looked for a dolphin.

It is always. Almost always Green Giant and Sprout. Green Giant and Sprout. Wait a minute. It's Green Giant and Sprout. Is that a universe that you guys could buy franchise-wise? He is a monster. Okay, this is really good, and this is why we have the comedy man here,

because he is so good at making these connections. So Green Giant comes in. He's a bad monster. Do we know another Green Giant? Frankie Stein. So Ronnie, maybe Ronnie kills Sprout. Now the green giant wants to kill him. Doesn't kill him.

Punch him. Yeah. Knocks him out for hitting Soki in a bar or whatever. I'm in. How would you beat up a monster just as someone who's done it? And let's just pick a monster. Johnny Depp is the invisible man. How would you beat him up?

Because we have him. He's locked into this movie. He is really doing it. We just need to know how he's going to be. That we can't top. Got it. When you're starting a franchise, what you want to do is find hot young actors because you're hoping to make six or seven of these movies over the next ten years.

Yes. And so you want to go, well, who's new on the block and sort of is someone we can build a career around? And Johnny Depp is new? Johnny Depp. Yes. Johnny Depp.

Tom Cruise. Okay. Angelina Jolie. Javier Bardem. Okay. Fresh faces. That is your core. Yeah.

Because you go, we've got a long future with them. And then maybe you bring in somebody who's with a little more gravitas to sort of be their boss, Russell Crowe. You may not know him. He's done two more movies than Johnny Depp. Oh, really? So he's a little older. Okay.

Yeah. All of these people seem very familiar to me. Well, you're like a huge monster. But maybe it's because you guys have been sending me a bunch of... If you saw the mummy... We've been sort of talking them up in a grassroots way. Yeah, we've been trying to get their names out there. But if you saw the mummy, Russell Crowe does look Tom Cruise in the eye and say, well,

you're a younger man than I. Oh. Which is useful information for the audience who might think, hey, these guys are the same age or maybe Tom Cruise is older. But you find out, no. Dr. Jekyll. Got it. And Mr. Hyde, Russell Crowe.

Oh, he's them. Yes. Wow, okay. Do you ever see him freak out? Oh, yes. Yeah, you do? Okay. I forgot that there's two bones in my eye at that part.

Yeah, so he got two more bones in his eye, I guess because you liked when the first one came out there? Can I? Not going in. I did not like, but when it comes out, it is nice. I mean, you guys do know movies and showbiz a lot, way better than me because I'm definitely confused of who these stars are because I feel like I have heard of them and maybe I'm confused now. these stars are because I feel like I have heard of them and maybe I'm confused now. But what I do know is as far as ordering

food at a movie, if you're going to order a full fish, I don't know if a flounder... I think that's why you stick to bronzinos. Well, here's what's about a flounder, Eugene. Bronzino. It's got friggin...

Wait, but here's about the flounder. I have a good connection I want to make. It's got friggin' Z. It's got friggin' Z. Wait, but here's about the flounder. Frankenstein or? I have a good connection I want to make. Please. It's got the mummy eyes. It's got the two eyes together. Oh, two eyes on top. Got it.

That's where you got it. Was it the special for the mummy to get the flounder? They had to bring it out from a different restaurant. Brett, cut that last phone call and then make it that Hayes says his good flounder connection to the mummy right away. On it. So, what's missing from these monsters?

Yeah, we need, so, we've got Frankenstein, Ronnie's beating up the Green Giant, so we'll say that we are doing that already. That's one movie. Sammy Sweetheart is Bride of Frankenstein. That's the whole movie? That's Bride of Frankenstein? That's two movies. And Angelina Jolie is that as well. Wait, who is she?

She was supposed to be Bride of Frankenstein. We definitely need her because I think she's going to pop soon. Wait, okay. She's sort of this ingenue and doesn't really know the biz, hasn't been around it too much, but there's some sort of natural thing about her. What I'm hoping is we can get her and Sammy Sweetheart into, and I don't know how it works,

some kind of threesome where they're all smashing. And getting away from this convention of Frankenstein only having one bride. Brides of Frankenstein. Brides of Frankenstein, yes. And it's Amy Sweetheart and it's Angelina Jolie. And, you know, if we wanted to add more, we add more. How much would you pay to see a movie like this? How much would I pay?

How much money? I'd pay ticket price. Yeah, yeah. Which is a lot. That's great for us. That's exactly what we're hoping. Because usually I wait until it goes to DVD or Netflix. But if I'm paying ticket price, you're getting me out of the house.

Yeah, and that's big for you too. So that's big for me, yeah. Because I don't see my own work. I don't see other people's work. I trust that you did good work if you're my friend. That's nice. Everyone is always going out to see my stuff in a way that's like, okay, I'll – I'm sorry.

Did you not believe me? They're checking my work on the big test. They're grading my big test. And it's like, just believe that I did a good job. Don't go look at it. Nothing makes me angrier than someone telling me they listened to this show. Yes. I just told you I did this show.

Yes, just believe that you like this. It's a good show. You like it. I told you it's funny and it's good. Okay, I listened all the way through. I was listening to it this week. Yeah. It's like, oh, yeah, well.

The teacher? And yeah, and what did you find out? That I'm saying the truth. Oh, maybe they needed the truth. That's what I said I was doing. But some of it, you know. But that's people. People want to, you know, feel better about themselves.

So they look to see how they can strike you down or if they're your true friends, they just trust that you're doing great work. Speaking of strike you down, you're something of a puncher and kicker. Yeah. Yeah. Yes. Let's say we I punch and kick through. Let's say we had

that cast of Van Helsing yet. Oh. And we were looking for somebody to play his very young son. We're hoping to get like one of these actors that we're talking about

for Van Helsing. You know, these guys who are like new, about to be big. Okay. Like a... Who's that little boy from Room? Oh, Tremblay?

I was thinking more like a John Cusack. Thank you, yes. And that's a little more in the zone of what we're looking for. For the young? Tremblay's been in... He's been to the Oscars already. Yes. But Cusack,

and he's a name that you've started to hear whispers of. Maybe this guy's going to do a movie. This is Joan's brother. Oh, yeah. Joan from Snatched. Yes. Yeah. So,

so, so John is playing Van Helsing's very young son. Yeah. Wait a minute. Baby Van Helsing? Yes. Baby Van Helsing Jr. The boss baby.

Mm-hmm. Right? We're hoping that he, yes, he will eventually become the boss baby. Yes. He'll grow into the boss baby. So the movie is prior to the age that boss baby would be. Is it animated? Live action.

His body is animated. I don't know how that works. Got it. But yeah, ideally. I'm told that his body is animated. His body is animation. Okay, so it's the voice of John Cusack. And his head is claymation.

The voice and the head. Yes, but we just put clay on his head. We've been smacking the guy with clay. To age him up a little bit. Get him trying to look more like a real baby Van Helsing Jr. Got it. So what might his weapon be? But you're definitely going with John Cusack.

Fingers crossed. Okay. going with John Cusack? Fingers crossed. Okay. Hey, if we're talking based on my experience, I would say a sword. I'm a big sword guy.

Okay. Because you've worked with a sword that you really like. I've worked with a sword. I've seen swords work. It keeps you close. For chopping. Yeah, because you don't want a gun. It keeps you too far away.

So interesting what we're doing here in this writer's room and what you always do in writer's rooms is sort of folding the sword, aren't we? You know the ancient sword-making technique where you fold it? Heat, fold, pound out the weak points until there are no weak points. Yes. And so something where you pointed out like, hey, wait a minute, there's no green giant in this movie.

Right. I don't know if I pointed that out. I think I just brought up – I didn't realize it, the magic eye. Anyways, yes. Yeah. I remember you saying like, hey, wait a minute, Sean. There's no green giant in this movie. Why am I sitting in the theater paying, as you said, ticket price?

Full ticket price. Full ticket, yes. And I said, well, we got to get one. Now, we have made a mistake. We did not cast the Green Giant. No. And furthermore, we didn't cast Sprout. Well, I mean, based on my experience, again, the way that you guys are handling this is beyond what I understand. But if as a consumer, you'd want to stunt cast that Sprout because, you know, and then Sprout's on the posters.

Maybe like a Carrie Elway type. Who? From The Princess Bride? Carrie Elway, yeah. You think he is an up-and-comer? I think he's about to pop. Hollywood handbook. So let's, maybe we'll like block out,

let's do a scenario in one of these movies. Okay. And then we'll just kind of like picture who we see, you know, just like in the moment when that character enters the scene, we'll be like, oh, who is that? That might be better. In our heads, as we're envisioning. Got it. So Eugene, you're like a major like puncher.

Yes. So you are like a perfect, I'm not saying you will be cast as like a baby Van Helsing because we are looking at Cusack. Yeah, we're different types. Let's say for this scene, you're Baby Van Helsing Jr. Okay. And you are just going – what's something he would do that's going about his daily business? Well, he's probably sucking on his rattle.

Yes, that's right. Okay. This is a scene in the movie? Yes. And so, like, your teeth hurt, you're, like, sucking on your rattle, you think it's a titty. Okay. And, uh, so

you're going to and your sword's, like, nearby, because you always, like, have it, like, ready to go. And you feel a little, like, punch on your back, like somebody's punching you. And you feel a little punch on your back. Like somebody's punching you. And you turn around, but there's nothing there. It's invisible.

There's nothing. But it smells like alcohol. The room smells strongly of alcohol. Yeah, reeks of alcohol. Like rubbing alcohol or like vodka? Yeah, it tastes... The smell is kind of like... Reeks of alcohol. Like rubbing alcohol or like vodka? Yeah.

Rum. The smell is kind of like, yeah. Like rum. Like you play a character maybe that like drinks bottles of rum in other situations. Oh, okay. And you use that maybe as an excuse to be drunk all the time. Got it. So what do you do as Baby Van Helsing Jr.?

Now you're in like a huge fight. Right. Yeah. But the guy's invisible. Got it. So what do you do as Baby Van Helsing Jr.? Now you're in a huge fight. Right. But the guy's invisible. But let's see the scene. Let's see the scene. Okay. Okay.

Okay. And I'm Baby Van Helsing Jr. Yeah. Okay. And then are you – is that your line? Yeah. Yeah, but we need the suckle. Yeah. Okay. And then are you – is that your line? Yeah. But we need the suckle. Yeah.

Suckle first. I'm Baby Van Helsing Jr. Oh. What was that? It smells. I'm a damnable business manager. I hear an Italian man. Mordecai.

Why did I do Mordecai? It smells like alcohol in here. But I don't see anybody. I should be allowed as many houses as I want. Oh, I can... I want ten houses, I get ten houses. Oh, the sound is coming from that corner, though. Oh, I can... I want ten houses. I get ten houses. Oh, that sound is coming from that corner, though. Oh, Baby Van Helsing!

Can you see me? What? No, I can hear you. Oh. Hey. Why'd you push me? Hey, uh, oh, uh, it was an oops. I was just trying to keep my balance. Hey, you're on my side, right?

Sure. Yeah. I guess I'm not a very sympathetic figure. Did somebody call for backup? And that's the Green Giant. Oh. Yes, and so who do you see when he's coming in now to join this big fight? To me?

Yeah. That felt like frigging big fight? To me? Yeah. That felt like frigging... Ving Rhames. Yeah. Yeah. That was Ving, baby. Yeah. That could be good.

Yeah. We have the beef. We have the peas. Right? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Right? We have the peas.

We have the peas. We have the peas. Mm-hmm. Because you guys will have the rights to. Oh, oh, oh. Right? Yes. I was really excited to be part of this.

Yeah. And then now you're even more probably. I mean, yeah. I won't lie. I'm feeling a little confused. And walk me through what is missing for you. Is it because we've talked so much about Bride of Frankenstein and they're not in the scene? No, I'm, well, I feel like that's a different movie.

Whose movie is this? Yeah. Whose movie is this? Whose movie is this? You guys beat me to it. Again, so this is just because I don't understand the business like you guys. The fact that you beat me to my own question shows me that I just don't understand. Just operating off the template of the mummy, you're starting out.

Here's a guy. He's not a mummy. Then there is a girl. She's a mummy. Maybe this guy becomes the mummy. But the whole center of the movie is somehow about Dr. Jekyll's laboratory. Got it. So for you to say whose movie is this.

Right, right. That's the question you should be asking. Oh, okay, because you're playing within the world of the Dark Universe. The entire idea is whose movie is this? Right, right. That's the question you should be asking. Yeah. Oh, okay, because you're playing within the world of the dark universe. The entire idea is whose movie is this. Yes. And is this a movie? Okay. So then I'm not that confused now.

No, you are exactly where we want you to be. Because when you're asking me how I'm going to fight off the Invisible Man, it felt like a psychological thriller at that point of a man just dealing with his own emotions that we couldn't see, rather than a fight scene. Because I was thinking of- There didn't end up being much conflict in that moment. Yeah, because I was looking- Yeah.

We had enough of all this battling with these monsters. That is something that we've found to be expensive, hard to shoot. Got it. Hurting. Hurt? Yes. Hurting. Got it.

You know, like people are getting hurt. Is that what you meant, hurting? Yeah, it is. The way we would put it is that it's being hurty to do it. Oh, okay. Being hurty. Yeah, some huge ouchies have been sustained through some of these early battle choreographies. Yeah, because that's what my mind was like, oh, if you're going to fight the Invisible

Man, I was thinking of that scene from Crank where there's oil all over the place, so you can't see him, but you would see his footprints. Shredder and Brain? Oh, no. The Ratchet and Crank spinoff movie. Oh. Oh, you Ratchet and Crank spinoff movie. Oh. Oh, you're thinking of Crank. You're thinking of Crank,

and you're thinking of Ratchet and Crank the video game? Yes, I'm thinking of the smaller one, Crank. God. Specifically. All right. Okay, well, so it's always good. This is, again, my fault because I think I'm confused. It's always, communication's always an issue on these things.

Especially when you're juggling all of these monsters. You guys got inspired. You bought a universe. You guys invited me in. We bought a Zooniverse. You bought a Zooniverse. Oh, you guys bought Zootopia's universe too? Yes, we bought a Zooniverse.

Yeah. And ideally, Matt Damon's character from We Bought a Zoo will also be in there. And he, I don't know if you know that name, but he's this brand new young actor. Just starting to sort of dip his toe in the water of Hollywood. And he's thinking maybe it's time to be a lead. Comedy guy? To me, sure. We sort of got him.

Wait, is he a comedy guy? Comedy guy, yeah. But you're the comedy man. Yeah, that's why I was wondering if he was a comedy guy. You're afraid he's coming for your crown. Yeah. And I've actually heard of him because he's done a bunch of movies, I think. But he's friends with this guy, this sort of up and coming comedy guy, Stellan Skarsgård.

Stellan? Yes. And so we're hoping to get him to be one of the – what other monsters do we have? And this is something we're running into is we don't know the names of that many monsters. Yeah. So we do need more monsters. Okay. Chupacabra, I think Nick Kroll kind of has that carved out.

We can't do much there. Is he going to be in it? I guess we have to. He's been around for a long time though, right? Here's one sort of monster-y joke I've been goofing around with.

Wait, I'm confused. This joke is part of the movie version? What I do a lot of times is I sort of lay a joke out on the table. Okay. You make everyone else. I let everybody else kind of deal with it.

Got it. Yeah. So this would be, there's a monster, and you guys know this, the succubus. You know about the succubus? I don't know about the succubus. Well, we're trying to get Jessica Tandy to play the succubus. And the succubus. Well, we're trying to get Jessica Tandy to play the succubus. And the succubus is a chick who's thirsty. And what she does is kind of like a praying mantis is do sex on the guy,

smash with him, and let him get it in. And then frigging he's toast. Yes. But I think instead of maybe the suck you bus, maybe what she should be called is the suck till you bus. So here's my, like, we have been through. And this is one of the monsters in the monster. We've been talking about this property.

We talk about different platforms. We have maybe the suck you bus. And what we do is we get a monsters in the monster. We've been talking about this property. We talk about different platforms. We have maybe this, we have maybe the suck you bus. And what we do is we get a real suck you bus. We get a real bus. And maybe that bus becomes the suck you bus. And maybe that's a website. Maybe it's the bus from the movie Slapshot.

Remember that bus? Okay. The guy's hitting it with a hammer and they go, what are you doing to our bus? And he goes, making it look mean. That scene in the film Slapshot. Yes, and so that calls perfectly to the mean sucky bus that we are now trying to expand into a property.

But maybe it's driving around, and it's a sucky bus. And maybe the bus driver, right, is another monster. Maybe the bus driver, right, is another monster. And maybe it's a particularly scary monster, one we haven't talked about yet. The grizzly bear. And it's played by Robert Redford. I'm sorry. So take your time.

It's a lot to lay on you. Again, this is because I am not as experienced as you guys. Thank you for saying that. No, no, no. Well, because it seems like any time I have a question, you guys answer it very quickly and informatively. Yeah. So then I have – And sometimes we don't answer it at all.

Yeah. We just talk. Which just makes me feel stupid for asking in the first place, which means it was a dumb question. Yeah, we go, hey, the answer to your question is, how about this other thing? Look over here. You guys are magicians.

Suck you bus as a bus. Yeah. Then is just then the vehicle like the Batmobile to these monsters? Is that what you guys are trying to say? Jessica Tandy is the sucky bus in the movie. Does she turn into the bus like, what is that? That old cartoon where the teenager turns into a hot rod? I think it was called.

Teenager turns into a hot rod. Man, hot rods make me think of the situation. Okay. Well, I guess not. We got a situation right under his T-shirt, his abs. Are you just finding a way to get all of the Jersey Shore? Abs, yeah. It's hard to not.

When you talk about hot rod, it's like it's, of course, that invites him to bring up the situation. Are you thinking of the song Shoop? Me? Yeah, they want his body as a hot rod. I didn't even realize that was a lyric in it. Really? Yeah. Yeah, they want my body as a hot rod. Oh, okay. He's a good 12. I didn't even realize that was a lyric in it. Really? Yeah.

Yeah, they want my bod. It's a hot rod. Oh, okay. Yeah, he's good 12 inches to a yard. Oh. Now that you put them together, I do remember that. Yeah, dude talking about his freaking wiener, man. You think I don't remember that lyric?

That was when I friggin' turned it up. Wait a minute. Talk about wieners. Yeah, finally. This song's getting into it. Because I don. Talk about leaners. Yeah, finally. This song's getting into it. Because I don't know what shoot means. I'm not familiar with that.

Okay. So it is just going to be a bus. Yeah, we can go back through it. Jessica Tandy in the movie is going to play the suck you bus or potentially the suck till you bus. Uh-huh. As a way to do sort of viral

marketing. Oh, I see. We get this real bus, which is the bus from Slapshot. Uh-huh. We drive it around. On the side it says the Suck You Bus. And the grizzly bear is a monster? The grizzly bear is part of the famous Monsters University.

He is played by Robert Redford. Bob. He is driving the Suck You bus. And maybe the boy is driving around town. Maybe the boys are getting on it. And we turn the, you know, whatever happens to them inside, we turn it into a website. You mean them getting... Do they have sex?

It's a second screen experience, Eugene. Okay. I'm getting a little sick of you not knowing much about showbiz. I know. Sorry. I'm trying to stay on board because I feel like I have a good idea from my vantage point, but I don't see the overall picture like you guys see the overall picture. from my vantage point, but I don't see the overall picture like you guys see the overall picture.

Like, for instance, maybe I know how to fight one monster in particular. Great. Yeah, and see, I just want to cut through the bullshit. We brought you in here so we could get to him,

to get to King Kong. Yes. Will you get him to do this movie? Can you call him or something? What would someone like him, what would it take to – Well, he's already locked into like four movies. And mind you, if you've seen it, he is a child.

He's literally 13 years old at this point. So we're hitting him young. So, you know, this is like a Tremblay situation where he's already big time. People are already talking about him, talking about the fact of who he's going to fight later in life. So we can't get Kong. Can we get, then, the octopus he eats? You know what I mean? Yeah.

Because that guy didn't seem like he was going to be in the seagull. Honestly, he's not. Yeah. But he's got, to be fair, that's the same octopus from Oldboy. Oh. Yeah. So he's got some years under him. Talk about a fighter for someone to fight the succubus.

Yeah. With all those little suckers on him. Mm-hmm. That might be a tough matchup for her. The octopus that King Kong's eating. Having sushi. So the octopus would fight. The succubus.

The succ-tili-bus or the bus itself? Are we talking about the lady? And who's playing it again? It's Jessica Tandy. Frigger and Tomatoes. What was it? Frigger and Tomatoes. I haven't seen that.

She's sort of just starting to kind of hit the radar screen, just a little blip down in the bottom left corner, like boop, boop. It's like, what's this new craft on the horizon? And it's Jessica Tandy? Jessica Tandy, yeah. She's done sort of an indie for our Green Tomatoes, and we think that she's got a future. So she's going to play...

The Succubus. And the way that the... So then she fucks an octopus? You know what? Forget the Succubus. Okay. Sorry. Okay, because you seem to be getting tripped up on it yeah right

i'm i'm thinking it's the succubus movie now and you've reminded me and you can't get it we don't know whose movie it is you can't get us king kong don't try to figure out whose movie it is you can't get us king kong and you're talking around in circles so here's the thing i'm we don't really know how a lot of these monsters work we've seen you beat up a monster so what i want to say is yes can you tell me how to like kill this, one of these guys? Because what happens is we get all the monsters in the movie. A lot of them are mean.

And then we don't know how to get out of the movie because they're so strong. You're kind of going like, what would you even do? Yeah. And then the movie is just the whole world's monsters. Oh, wait. Hey,

oh, monsters world. Nevermind. Let's Eugene, do you have a way? Oh, wait. Oh, monster's world. Never mind. Eugene, do you have a way to maybe get rid of these guys? Because a lot of them are hanging around a lot. Yeah. I mean,

each monster has a different power, I think. So you'd have to fight them all individually. Wolfman. Wolfman? Wolfman. Don't forget Wolfman. He's got a special power.

Yeah. Well, Wolfman, does he turn into the wolf? Not in this one. He stays wolf? No, no, no. No, no. He stays man? He stays man for now. Through the whole movie? For this one, yeah. No, no. He stays man? Yeah. For now. Through the whole movie?

For this one, yeah. Guess who we got? Who? Beatty. Ned. Warren's little brother. Okay. And he stays a man the whole time.

He's staying man for now. He stay a man? Mm-hmm. The ladies don't want to see it. We tested it. The ladies don't like it when he becomes a wolf. They want to see just straight men. They want him all man.

And I'll say this. We haven't really picked out how the wolf should look. So one thing that this saves us from doing is committing to anything. If you see the mummy. I'm sorry. I'm so. You guys seem to be on the same page as you always are. Is this the wolf man or the wolf man?

Is it going to be a dog man? Eventually, because I guess we're not even going to know. Dogman's a different guy. That's different, yes. Dogman is in it. He's also Stangman for now. Dogman is in it? Dogman's in it.

That's another monster in this movie? Yeah. No, Dogman is in it. He's really, actually really good in it. It's Benjamin Bratt. And he crushes. He stays man the whole time. But what you see at the very end is a dog catcher kind of gives him a side eye.

Ah, and that's how you know. Like you recognize him from somewhere inside the pound maybe okay this is all in this first movie of your guys Dark Universe I guess yeah

you okay Jesus Eugene I know they have to be so long these movies are so incredibly hugely long we've realized

yeah and so it's like you just have to keep the way it works is you just have to keep adding more characters. Okay. And just kind of introduce, like as soon as you've introduced one,

like they're off and now you have another one. Yeah. Like you're showing them and then they're gone and then the movie's finally over. People walk out of a sort of a clean 90 minute movie that they understand you've already lost. Got it. Because there's no reason to come back for the next one.

Yeah. A lot of times what you no reason to come back for the next one. Yeah. A lot of times what you're able to do is you go like, hey, you just sat through three hours. Most of it you didn't know what was going on. Come back in a month and then you'll get some more pieces of the puzzle and hopefully more questions too. Got it. So let's talk about just the slate of characters. I do want to get it all up on the board.

We have Frankenstein, who's Ronnie. We have the Bride of Frankensteins, who's Sammy Sweetheart and Angelina Jolie. We have the Invisible Man, who's Depp. We have the Green Giant, who's Ving Rhames. We have Baby Van Helsing Jr., who is Cusack. We have Sprout. Did we cast Sprout? No.

Is Sprout Baby Groot? Sprout should be Baby Groot. Okay. We have— Wait, Vin Diesel or Baby Groot? Baby Groot. See, that's a good question. Do we just have—do you get Vin Diesel doing Baby Groot?

I don't—I mean— How best to approach this? I don't mean to— You've got to remember that his dad is Ving Rhames. Okay, that's right. So too similar? To me, it's a little bit of matchy. Too matchy. So what I want to do is shake it up.

Too matchy. Matchy, yeah. So what I want to do is shake it up. Let's get – and hang on. I'm thinking and I'm thinking and I'm going to come out with a name that is going to really work. And what I need to do now is just reach a little bit deeper. Keira Sedgwick is Sprout. Great. And that's the kind of colorblind genderblind casting

we have that we're famous for Woofman is Ned Beatty the Succubus or the Succubus I'm so sorry Jessica Tandy

I'm so so sorry I'm almost done can we cast Kira Cedric as Sprout if the closer is in this as one of the monsters wow yeah that's a cause yeah the closer Can we cast Kyra Sedrick as Sprout if the Closer is in this as one of the monsters?

Wow, yeah, that's a... Because, yeah, the Closer does have to be a monster. It's problematic. Okay, so we need a new Sprout then, I guess. Okay, but keep going and we'll circle back. The Closer is one of the monsters? Yeah, the Closer is one of the monsters. Because imagine being stuck in an interrogation room with her. And you're like... It's like friggin' scarier than Dracula.

Yeah, basically. Dog Man, I think, is the last one. We do have more characters that we need to cast. Well, you have the grizzly bear. I'm sorry, I forgot Grizzly Bear played by Robert Redford. Yes. We need to find spots for people in this movie, for some of the other monsters in this universe.

The up-and-coming names that you guys have. Elvira. Who is Elvira? And what's kind of her role in this? Who's playing Elvira, or who is Elvira playing? Yes. Sorry, I meant who is Elvira playing? Yes. Sorry. I meant who is Elvira going to play in this movie? Mm-hmm.

Ooh. Okay. Okay. Wow. Wow. Well, I mean, we sort of two birds, one stone if we make her sprout. That's perfect. Okay.

Who are some of the other characters that we need? Do you have the character lists? Wait. How about – I'm sorry. Okay. Who are some of the other characters that we need? Do you have the character lists? Wait. How about – I'm sorry. Again, it feels like there's a lot of monsters already in your universe here. And now that I've kind of heard them all so far and can wrap my – You have not heard them all. That's what I, so far,

so far. The eight-legged freaks are in it. Yeah. Pugsley is in it, Pugsley Adams. Okay, so there is a lot more.

I feel, you know, as, The Boz. Yeah. The Boz? Brian Bosworth, college football player.

Remember Paul, the alien, Paul? Uh-huh. Remember the, remember the Spaced Invaders? Yes. Yeah, they're in it. Okay, so they're all in players. Remember Paul, the alien Paul? Uh-huh. Remember the spaced invaders? Yes. Yeah, they're in it. Okay, so they're all in it.

Okay. Wow. Yeah, so I guess I don't know. Splice is in it. Dren from Splice. The woman, the... Friggin' thing. The thing?

The spliced woman-man thing? Yes. The jacket from the Adrian Brody movie, The Jacket. Oh, whoa. Species. Species in it. And that is a good scene, right? Species walks in on the brides of Frankenstein

and goes, room for one more? And they go, no. She leaves. That's the whole scene? You hear her walking down the stairs? Yes. Heels on cement. Oh, no. She leaves. That's the whole scene? You hear her walking down the stairs? Yes. Heels on cement. Oh, baby.

Baby. Michael Weasel is in it? She goes home. Yeah. So you hear that all in the scene. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Okay.

Again, I only know my experience with what I was in. So... God damn it, Eugene! Will you stop it? Okay. Stop minimizing yourself. I'm sorry. You've done so much in this business. Well, you know, I'm just trying to stay on board

with this universe that you've created, which, yes, I will buy admission for. But as far as to kill any of these, the humans seem pretty easy. You just kill them as humans. Smash them with a hammer. Smash them with a hammer on top of their head. Right between the eyes.

So they look back at you first and then you strangle them. Which are these? The piano. Because the only humans that I can think of in this list so far is... Wolfman. The Closer. Dogman.

Yes, Wolfman and Dogman are both humans. Still, right? Yes. And then the Closer. Okay. Oh, Pete's dragon. Yeah, Pete's dragon. And he's protecting them.

So that's what I was going to say. Yeah. The monsters fighting each other is how they're going to kill each other. So you have to have them turn on each other. You want to know who's playing Pete's dragon? Billy Joel. Okay. Bye.

I'm a horny girl wolf. This has been an Earwolf production. Executive produced by Scott Aukerman, Colin Anderson, and Chris Bannon. For more information and content, visit Earwolf.com. Ow. That was a HeadGum Podcast.