Hollywood Handbook - Everybody's Gotta Eat! (w/ Hayes Davenport)

Episode Date: July 25, 2017

Truth is, ya gotta pay the bills, and having a little “fuck you money” don’t hurt neither. For more Hollywood Masterclass, subscribe to Stitcher Premium (www.howl.fm/hollywood). This episode is brought to you by ZipRecruiter (www.ziprecruiter.com/FIRST), Stamps.com (www.stamps.com code: HANDBOOK), and Audible's Hold On with Eugene Mirman.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. They were fans of Comedy Bang Bang. Comedy Bang Bang was the very first Earwolf podcast hosted by Earwolf co-founder Scott Aukerman. And they just put out their 500th episode. And we're going to take some time before we start our show to talk about that show that's already out that you've already heard. If you didn't know Comedy Bang Bang, you should because you do know it because that's how you found us. It's where comedians and celebrities like Jon Hamm or Jane Lynch meet absurd characters like a robot named Little Button Puss, the Cake Boss, or a duck? Scott's put together an extra special episode for the 500th with a lot of guests that are much better than we ever get on our show in a lot of cases. Jon Hamm is not doing this show. let's say that he i'll just put

that out there straight up even some of the people who are on that show who've done this show they're bringing their a game when they do comedy bang bang and when they do ours they're kind of like what is this we're uh talking about paul f tompkins look he yes he does a lot of stuff he's good uh lapkus lapkus did our show once it was great was great. We're not able to call in Lapkus sort of on command. They did 500 comedy bangings. She's probably on 400 of them. Nick Kroll has been on our show. That pretty much precludes

us from ever asking him to do it again. That literally was like, you have a half an hour. He has to go do something else. He's tired. And he was great. So just imagine how good he is on comedy Bang Bang where he actually wants to hang out. Yes.

And Jason Mantzoukas. So with the show's famous open door policy, you never know who's going to walk in. Except it will not be us. Because a lot of times we are here when they're recording and it is not, the policy is not open door for everyone yes that that is a um that's in quote i mean the door is literally shut it's even just for sonic like acoustic reasons but also to keep us out of the studio it's open for necrologist manzugas but it is not like open like if you're here recording next door feel free to pop in for the 500th episode uh actually the guest who you have for your episode is going to be on the 500th episode of my show so he keeps

checking his watch because he's got to pop over to do and he is saving visibly saving a lot of stuff like he'll start to do a joke and then be like yeah i actually might want to save that for like a big show so celebrate by listening to comedy bang bang's 500th episode which you probably are already going to listen to, already have. And Apple Podcasts or Stitcher. And if you see Scott Aukerman, give him a hey-nong man from us. We don't know what that is. And then, quote, something

from our show that he will not understand. Yes, that's right. Fair's fair. You're about to hear episode three of Hollywood Masterclass. For the rest of the series, go to Stitcher Premium. I'm Sean Clemens. Welcome to my Monster Claps. So, bang, Raj, man. We have been talking a lot about art and doing art and the job of the artist.

And we've left sort of an ugly pile of muck swept under the rug, you know, and I think it's time to pull up the rug and just admit, hey, it's a business, right? Yeah, yeah, that's true. Hey, everybody's got to eat, right? Yep. You know, you got to make the eat stew money before you make the fuck you money. I suppose so. And you could just be like, hey, fuck you, because you got so much money that you're just saying that

to your dry cleaner or your best friend. Do you understand that? I kind of relate more to the everybody's got to eat part than the best friend stuff. But I think I- Because you eat, right? I mean, everybody does. I mean, we say that, but what does it mean, right?

We all do eat, don't we? That's true. Yes. Yeah, we have to as human beings. Or you become bones, you know, you turn into a bye-bye man. So let's start talking. We've got a great guest here today, a little bit of a guest lecturer, who's going to talk more about the business side of this.

Because it's a business. It's not just all fun. It's a business. You know, there's money on the line. And the more you understand that some of this is an act of commerce, the easier it will be to fulfill your dreams as an artist. And I want to get into scene work later today. We're going to do scene work. Great.

Be excited for that. Yeah. That's a big opportunity for somebody who's a pretty big casting director, actually, too, as well as as many other talents to see you do scene work. But for now, we're going to get into some theory. And please do welcome Hayes Davenport. And he's going to talk a little bit about what he does. Thank you. Thank you so much for having me here.

I think I love that you're doing this, Sean. I really think this is a beautiful it's a beautiful idea. I'm so excited. I really think this is a beautiful idea. I'm so excited. Giving back. I tell so many people about that. Like, you believe that Sean is doing this wonderful thing. Charity thing, yeah. And a lot of them are like, oh, it kind of sounds like your other thing.

I'm like, no, it's not. It is very different. Oh, gosh. It's a whole new thing. Yeah. I mean, they said, well, it sounds like giving advice about Hollywood. No, no, no. Oh, come on.

It is. This is not. People have said that? Yes. Oh, come on. It is. This is not. People have said that? Yes. What narrow-minded. And they say you should, I mean, so you must be like getting a little piece of this, right? And why would I?

Why would I get any? Like, it is a completely different concept. That almost implies that my range is so narrow that there's really only one bit I even have access to and that I need to somehow repackage these same three or four jokes over and over again. And that's so crazy, so insulting. And the idea that you wouldn't get a piece of it

when it's so different. Do you want to know who said that to me? Tell me. It was Brett. Engineer Brett. It was Brett. Engineer Brett. It was Brett. Engineer Brett. Brett, when did you bring that?

Brett asked me to coffee. Oh, no. And you went? Yeah. Oh, no. And what did you order? I had a... So, I don't like cups anymore.

Yeah. But I like environment. Environment. It's like, everywhere you look, there are these cups. Bang, you know about the environment. Some of this green stuff. Wait. The environment in general, yes, I know about it.

Uh-huh. And the cups, right? Hayes, you're either washing them or you're throwing them away. Yes. They're both bad. And then they're just blowing're throwing them away. Yes. They're both bad. And then they're just blowing around. Mm-hmm, and they're both bad. So I have them roll up a tortilla in sort of a cone, and then I have my coffees in there.

Okay. And you can use that over and over again. Oh, yeah. So, all right, so you had coffee out of a tortilla. You're kind of biting slash drinking it. Yes, and Brett is saying to me, I just want you to know about this thing because I'm doing the engineering on this thing. That, you know, like it seems like kind of similar to your thing. And I said, Brett.

I didn't exactly say that. Okay. That's not verbatim what I said. Well, I'd love to hear the actual word for word retelling. I said, you know, how's your cone? And then. That was at the time it was spilling out of the bottom i think that was you trying to help me right and then he accused me of asking you for tortilla coffee before him and i assured him i didn't but I said I was with you and I engineered this new show. And, you know, I might have said it was kind of stupid.

This doesn't seem worth doubling back for. Can you see the idea that we— I know. That you said that's not what I said, and then I asked what you really said, and then this is the story. It ends up being very similar. What are we doing here? And I wouldn't want to subject you to the exact conversation that I had with Brett.

Yeah, no wonder Hayes truncated it because what he did was actually a very concise, somewhat interesting thing to say. Yeah, and what Brett is saying, no, it was actually longer and worse is the correction he was trying to make. Yeah, and it was. Which I can always assume

if someone's telling me a story that you're in, that you have a longer, worse virgin loaded up and ready to go. Thanks for doing this, Haze. No, I love talking about this stuff. A lot of people think of the business part as this yucky, gross. That it's a mucky, swamp monster, beetle juice man that lives in the closet and can come out and you know just choke you to death yes but i think it is fun and there is an art to this as well in the same way that there's an art to the art version of it there is an art to the business money aspect um and for me there are a lot of sort of different avenues toward establishing yourself in a

business way. But for me, it starts with the resume. It is actually really all about the resume. How many resumes do you read in a given week? I go through them so quickly because I'm always so disappointed because if they are not just like blasting off at me when I look at them,

then I can get so tired looking at all these resumes. And how many jobs have you gotten off your resume? All of them, right? It's like a continuous yes because I actually handed it out once. It's this one copy of my resume is now being passed around without me even knowing. It's a snowball that became the avalanche.

Yes. It's that one resume. Yes. Because it's you. It's an extension of you. My resume has gone viral as well. And so. It's so funny.

Yeah. And it tells a story. And that's a way to inject my personality into my resume is um it's a funny story and i don't know so you don't just like list your credits and the things you've done i'm so tired i'm so sleepy yes hearing you think about a resume. It's not funny. I'm sorry, what you're talking about is not funny. It doesn't tell a story. It doesn't grab me

and pull my hair and tickle me and wash my little rear end after I'm done doing something. Do you want to sexualize'm done with doing something. So do you know what I mean? So you want to like sexualize your resume a little bit? What is sexual about that to you?

Jesus. This is more like a mommy cleaning up a baby. You know, I want your resume to take care of me because ultimately I'm a guy. Yes. With a problem to solve. Do you have a solution for me? Bang. With a problem to solve. Do you have a solution for me? Bang? You will be the proverbial sort of wet cloth.

I'm the guy with a problem to solve. Do you have a solution? I hope so. Yeah, I hope so too. Because that makes my day go better. Now I'm all cleaned up. I've had a little tickle and my hair got yanked on. go better. Now I'm all cleaned up. I've had a little tickle and my hair got

yanked on. I guess the hair getting yanked thing is why it sounded more kind of sexual. That's another thing. That hurts. That's crazy. That hurts a little bit. I don't know why

for you that washing and hurting is sex. And that's not something we necessarily need to unpack here because we're going to lose some of the time from the business stuff we're talking about. Yes. Let's start with the other. So this is reverse side of your headshot. Obviously.

This is all one big thick card stock. Headshots on the front shiny and thick there's four quadrants of your headshot i do 12 hayes does 12 i do three rows of four okay because i can i tell you about my headshot it's just my face it's one picture right i kind of some of them should be your face yeah we definitely want to see your face in half the headshots. No, but I think you misunderstand. My headshot is just one photograph. There are no quadrants.

You're going to want 11 more of those. Can I ask you this? Is it landscape? Landscape? No, it's just kind of an out-of out of focus background should be no should be no should be landscape mode should be a landscape mode landscape mode on the paper yes panoramic also can work for at least one of them because i want you to be sort of in the red rocks of sedona and that gives me an idea of like let's say I'm trying to cast an adventurer.

Uh-oh. You're already there. I think my problem just got solved. I think my little butt butt just got wiped up, you know, by this guy who brought in this great headshot. Okay, so Red Rocks. Okay, let's take your face one. That's one of them for sure, the face one.

We're going to use that, yeah. Can I just ask what classic American job you have in that face one? Are you a ship pirate? I'm kind of just wearing neutral clothing. You're not Colonel Sanders or anything like that? No. That job is constantly coming up. Yeah. To sort of rule yourself out for Colonel Sanders when, look,

I mean, Riggle or whoever, they don't do these forever. That's part of the game is that now Gaffigan's doing it and now Norm is doing it. Now Bang is doing it. Oh no, he doesn't know how. You see what I'm saying? Oh great, well maybe Bang could

do it because Norm's not available anymore and then it's all of a sudden we get the headshot and we go, ah, Colonel Sanders isn't really an adventurer. That's all we have here. Because you've only really described the Sedona Red Rocks photo you have. Which isn't what I have. I mean, what you guys are talking about is sort of like a throwback to,

I feel like, how headshots were maybe 30 years ago. You kind of had different professions. They didn't know how to make it as shiny back then as they do now. Or as heavy. The whole thing should be so heavy when they put it in your hand. And landscape mode wasn't around back then. Landscape mode, and they didn't have the

hologram technology they do now, where you sort of move it one way and the other. At least one of yours... Two of them are holograms. At least where you sort of move it one way and the other so at least one of yours two of them are holograms yeah at least one of yours should scare me so i should look at it and it's normal and then when i turn it slightly in the light you pop out of it and try to get me okay i think yes i know what you're going to apply red rocks colonel sanders two holograms one of just that you know that muscle right on your hip that's like

kind of drawing you down? Yes, it's from the side of the abs and it's going in past the underwear band and some girls actually call it the penis muscle. Here I'll show you. But it's not, yeah, okay, and Brett's got it out. Yeah, you don't have to. And Brett's

got it out. Brett's is too big. Check that out. Your muscle, that, it's part of, it's the iliopsoas. It's coming off the iliac crest. That's his penis. No, but look above that, but look above that leading into it. Don't focus on the penis. You don't have to. You don't want that in that picture.

Yes, when you take a picture of that That is going to be cropped out But he does need to show it now In order just to show you this muscle Which the muscle for him is Too much bigger than all his other Muscles and very out of Proportion with the actual penis

It's very strangely defined And It looks as if it's going to pull his hip right off his leg. And I want that in one of my headshot quadrants. In one of your, well, yes. It's a Dodeca quadrant, but yeah. Okay, sorry. So you want that little muscle and just a little bit of the waistband of your undies.

And some of your belt. And your thumb is kind of hooked in there. Is this making sense? Yeah, I understand it. And you're maybe pouring like an oil down, like through this sort of crevice of the muscle, and it's making this sort of stream, this rivulet, this sort of crevice of the muscle and it's making this sort of stream,

this rivulet that leads into your Calvin Klein's. If it's not catching all the oil, then you have to return to the gym. And you're going to want to sculpt.

And talk to anybody there. Bryce, D-Ron, Portia. Yes. And the next, so speaking, you can actually use one of them for maybe the next photo in the series, which should be someone else looking at the muscle. Pulling the shades down, lowering them just below their eyes on the nose like, oh. And they're maybe biting on their thumb or fist. lowering them just below their eyes on the nose like, oh. Yeah. And they're maybe biting on their thumb or fist.

Like, they can't believe this muscle. Okay. It seems like it's narrowing me down to a very specific. It's just one of the. That's just. We've got 11 other pictures. One of the photos and another one reacting to it. It's just going, this is one of the things I do.

And you have to be able to at least do that thing, you know, which is, frankly. Have a muscle on my hip. Yeah. Got to at least be able to do that. I mean, that's part of the business. Sorry. And the next one, like, pretty soon we do have to be getting over to the resume. to the resume and that should be you just like you in casual uh mode holding a sign that's like hey maybe check out should we should we bring up on the other side should we bring up yeah oh yeah

you're pointing the other side being like hey maybe check this out yeah like a lot of people will hold will have the sign be like look flip over or like a page over and i just be like like you don't care if you want check out i like a thought bubble. Nice. Be like, like, you don't care. I like a thought bubble. Check out. I like a thought bubble. You can deal with a sign, but I also like, like you're sort of scratching your chin thinking and then you're thinking like, I wonder what's on the other side of this thing. Maybe something good to read.

Right. I want to talk about it's 2017. Diversity is a big thing. Yes. Three or four of these quadrants should show you as a different race. Yes. That seems like a bad idea. It seems like it takes me into an uncomfortable place, like a whitewashing.

Well, you know, Sun Tzu said. No. It's like I'm wearing blackface. Well, Sun Tzu told us. How can, like, whitewashing is the opposite of that. Right. Yes. Yeah. Right, yes.

Do you see that? Do you want to hear what Sun Tzu told us? Or do you want to tell me? I actually think you should not pursue too much. You're basically saying that no one else is allowed to be white like I

am. Yeah, let's not pursue it. Right? Oh, because I'm white. No one else is allowed to be white like I am. Like... Yeah, let's not pursue it. Right? Yeah. Sun Tzu told us... This is a different way of doing things. I'm just open-minded.

Go ahead. And this is a character, by the way. Sun Tzu is a good character for you to be. Oh, yeah. And he looks basically like Confucius. At least one you want to be Sun Tzu. Another one you want to be Confucius. Okay.

So he told us that you had said, like, this is something that makes me really uncomfortable. But he said, you know, follow your fear. Yeah. Okay. If it feels good, do it. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Okay.

If it feels good, do it. Mm-hmm. Because I've heard that used as, I think, the pit theater. That's their catchphrase is that they took that from Sun Tzu. People's improv. Yeah. Sure. But anyway, we do want to get over to the other side.

Obviously, there's a picture of you as Amelia Earhart. But you want to get over to the other side. You're making a face. Did you? This has been a lot for me to take in. My resume is so head-to-head chowder, just so totally different than what you guys are describing. is so head-to-head shot or just so totally different than what you guys are describing. Also,

I guess I don't know why I would have me as Amelia Earhart. I suspect this is the reason that you are doing this show. I guess, I don't know. This is the first one I'm doing it. Historically, has Ben already been doing all that?

He's been a little like this. He's going like, this is a lot. This is really different. You wouldn't need the class if it wasn't different. That's true. That's why I'm taking the class. You wouldn't need to come to my master class. I'll say this.

When you get into the resume, whack them in the face with the special skills. Up top. Special skills up top. So not at the bottom? No, no, no. You're going to want to wham them with the special skills.

Yes, yes. And they've seen one special skill on the front. It's that muscle. You don't need to mention that again. A lot of people will describe the muscle. And Brett's got his back out. Yeah. You don't have to keep

busting that out, man. It's impressive, but it's a little inappropriate. You kind of got to strip down too much to show it off. Peeling it back. And he has to hold his shirt under his chin. You got it? So, yeah. So you're saying

no need to describe the muscle and special skills? Oh, no. we're going to talk about it. Yeah. Yeah. We're definitely going to talk about it. In a funny way that's like, except I don't have any. Like, you can make a joke like you don't have good hip muscles. Because they've seen it.

Yeah. Like, special skills I don't have. Well, I guess I don't have good hip muscles. It's always good to be self-deprecating. They know at that point that you do have it. It's an ability to make fun of yourself a little bit and go like, you could tease me about my hip muscle.

Because I'm aware of what I'm working with there. And then it's, I guess, a good surprise if they start at the resume and then see the photo side afterward. Yes, that can be. Yeah? I mean.

Holy shit, I didn't even think of that. For a certain type of. I don't know that I turn it over if I see that first. That you don't have it. Yeah. For a certain type of casting director, they are going to freak out if they're told that it's not coming and that it is coming in such a –

Have you freaked out that way before? I used to freak out about that kind of thing, but now – and now I still do freak out. So let's talk about turning some of your weaknesses into strengths. Yeah. That's something that Sun Tzu always wanted us to do, right? So what you can just start is by telling us some of the stuff you're into. What do you think that you do that maybe would be interesting on a resume? So this is a little different from turning your weaknesses into strengths.

This is you take, like, what are some of your strengths? Yeah, but I got a feeling that a lot of Bang Raj Man's strengths is what we would consider weaknesses. I know, I know. But what I'm saying, as far as what we're asking him to do, is to think of what he considers strengths. Well, we're turning his strengths, his fake strengths, into real strengths. Yes, thank you. Yeah. Well, I used to play baseball i got uh okay so

you say don mattingly yeah because you play baseball is not funny it's not famous you say hey guys i'm don mattingly you know and then maybe you have like a Don Mattingly Tops rookie card. And that's part of the resume. Okay. It's stuck on there. Oh, I kind of clip that on there? Thumbtack. Or Don Russ, maybe.

Mm-hmm. Because I feel like that would defeat the purpose of me saying I am that guy, because then I'm just putting the card in there to show that this is a different guy. It's fun. You are not trying to trick them into actually thinking you are Don Mattingly. If they do, great. That's perfect. That's on

them. Because you've shown them on the other side. Don Mattingly doesn't have a hip muscle like this. Certainly doesn't have a rivulet of oil leading down to his, you know. It's dry. If he has one, it is bone dry. Yeah.

So that's like, that's a little bit of it's on them. And you want to give them space to make that kind of mistake. Yeah. So you're saying, you know, hey, I don't have a hip muscle. My name's Don Mattingly. Here's my rookie card. And then what else are you into? What else?

You used to play baseball. That's a great start. What else? What do you do? Like, what have you been doing for the last, whatever, 30, 40? Well, I play piano. Ah, okay, great. That's good.

Yeah, okay, so that could be good. So what can we do with that? I remember Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck did that one time. Yeah, they were smashing each other with pianos or something. So maybe you go, hey, please nobody smash me with a piano, you know? piano you know all right instead of i i don't write because i i will say i have gotten jobs where i'm playing piano i've gotten acting jobs because they know daffy duck's very funny and part of this is like capturing your audience making them laugh and you know a good trick is remind them of something they already like they don't't already like you, Bang Raj, man.

And that's hard for me to say. Okay. Because I do, you know. But they don't. And in fact, a lot of these people actively dislike you and consider you their enemy. So if you can remind them of like Daffy Duck getting smashed to pieces with the freaking

piano. All of a sudden they're like, alright, let's call this guy up. And that's my teeth now. Something like that. Say the piano's my teeth now. Oh yeah. Right? You look confused. I am a little. Say I'm reaching over my arms

like a rubber band playing the other guy's piano behind his back while I'm playing mine too So special skills I'm getting smashed by a piano And the piano's my teeth now And the piano's my teeth now And I'm reaching over my arms like a rubber band Playing the other guy's piano

Does that make sense? And you can do maybe because everything is like separated by Commas it's like a list of things. And there maybe is a fun thing to do about like special skills, snowboarding, skateboarding, duck season, rabbit season, duck season. And then you get into like tricking yourself in the special skills that it is duck season. And then you blast yourself with your own blunderbuss. Mm-hmm. You know?

There's a bullet hole in the paper. Smoking. Bang. Okay. Yeah. And that's you. That's your name. Despicable or something, you know?

So this is just like, these are all little tiny tricks of the trade to get your resume a little extra attention. Is there anything else that you're able to do or do you have any kind of, you have a driver's license? I do. I do have a valid driver's license on there. Passport. Okay. Do not tell them that, you know, because it seems like you're bragging and that you're

trying to make them jealous. And that you're trying to get away, you know, that you're going to leave. Oh, wow. Okay. Because I thought that was pretty standard. Any second I could just leave. It's very suspicious. You're basically saying that you're

evading Dog the Bounty Hunter. In not so many words. You're weirdly prepared for shit to go down for you. That you jump bail and Dog the Bounty Hunter is after you. If they help you get a job, they're going to have him on their ass. And that dude

is ripped. His hip muscle is huge. It might be good to say that dog... He's off the air now. Yeah, well, he's doing his job. He's doing even more bounty hunting. He couldn't make a show anymore. Just because he's not on television, and this applies to almost everything on television.

Just because he's not on television doesn't mean they're not still doing their job. Well, not like a canceled TV show, like Cheers. They're not still in the bar drinking beers and stuff. Why not? What do you mean? Why wouldn't they be? Yeah. Because the show's been canceled for you know 20 years

right but they still I mean they are still friends I don't know if you watch the show but they were really good friends they rib each other right they do give each other a hard time and that might be the point of that's the disconnect but they actually were really good friends

good friends are able to tease each other and challenge each other in that way. Sure. And it would be good to say in your specials, because Dog the Bounty Hunter is not chasing you. Yeah, that's a great thing to bring up. Okay. Especially with this whole passport thing. So should I get rid of the passport and the driver's license?

No, keep the driver's license. You're going to need it. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Fastest—say, fastest race car driver. Oh, yeah. Oh, say that you work for NASCAR.

Yeah. And say that you've got the best damn pit crew in the biz, because they always want somebody who can be friends with the crew. Mm-hmm. Okay. The crew loved him, you'll hear about some actors. with the crew. The crew loved him, you'll hear about some actors. So they'll

assume that if the pit crew like me, then the crew on the set will like me. Easy to work with. Getting a juice truck for everybody. Little sign on the truck saying hey guys, a little treat for you today. Thanks for helping out.

Have a juice. And I put that in my special skills that I get juice from. If you'll back it up. If you're going to back it up. Okay. And get a juice truck. If you put in your special skills and then last day of shooting, nobody has any juice, then they're thirsty because they were definitely expecting it after you advertised it. And nobody brought their own juice from home.

On your special skills on your resume. Because they thought juice was gonna be there and you show up and there's no juice that's a freaking short trip for you to the unemployment line and when you're there you get beat up because guess who else is there all the guys who got fired because they flipped out because they had no juice sounds bad yeah and dog the bounty hunter is probably if what you say is true and he's not on his tv show anymore that seems like a very good place to get caught by dog yeah because he's there anyway so then he'll really grab you and shake you up good okay i thought he was working bounty hunter and make you do something with that wife of his.

What do you mean? I'm just saying. I don't understand. Like from an optics perspective, it feels like there's something going on where when he catches you, if it's not on the show, he's going to make you do something with that wife of his. That seems to be the arrangement. Right. Okay. So special skills.

Now we are into the dialogue on the resume. Man. Hey, who's that great actor I want to see on TV? Man's friend. I heard it's Bang Raj Man, and he's technically available. Woman. Yes. Oh, God. Bang Raj Man. Oh, God.

Bang Raj, man. Oh, God. Yeah. You know, woman's husband. I can't be mad about this. Yes. You know those parentheticals for the woman, like saying kind of what's in their head? On the woman's line, it should basically say, wants to suck a hip.

Yeah, wants to get his hip. Mm-hmm. Yeah, wants to get his whole hip muscle in her mouth. And the man can't be mad at that. Don't say that. Don't have her say that. But it's— I'm a little confused as to what this is. It's the dialogue.

It's the dialogue part of the resume. Dialogue on my resume? Okay. All right. It's acting. It's art. It's acting. It's art. It's the theater.

This is after the special skills. You aren't leading off with this. So I go special skills. Dialogue. And then I have like a little dialogue sample. And this is the scene. It's something. It's a scene. Where a woman is attracted to me and her husband's okay with it.

Yeah. It's in the utility closet of like a Chuck E. Cheese or something. And everyone's seeing you, you know, you're in there, you're like putting away a mop bucket and you're getting discovered. And this woman's husband is a cuck and is comfortable with her sucking on your hip muscle. Yeah. He's not mad.

He says he's not mad, but he actually is happy. Okay. Yeah. And maybe it's like mad. He says he's not mad, but he actually is happy. Okay. Yeah. And maybe it's like Bonham or it's not. So you then have completed the dialogue and now it's time to start

drawing. And what are we going to draw? Do you have a guess, Bang? Maybe me. How about a Walk of Fame star? Okay. So special skills, dialogue, then a drawing of me, my Walk of Fame star. These are hard to draw, these stars.

They have to, all the sides have to be the same size. It's so easy for it to get messed up. And you can't take all your headshots over again. And you can't go on the street and trace it's too big. It's too big. It's bigger than the paper. It has to be a smaller version. And if you print a big

giant one and then try to shrink it down, guess what happens? It goes off the page. Okay. So you've got to draw a smaller one. You seem skeptical. Now, you seem skeptical. No, I'm following along with the class.

It feels like you maybe don't think they're as big as what we're saying. No, I've seen them. They're on the sidewalk. You definitely couldn't trace them. you're right. On the street Hall of Fame? You've been there? On the street Hall of Fame? I think I know what you're talking about. Yeah, I've

walked around them. I think that's great. You go just to kind of check it out, maybe take a long look at some of the blank ones? Mm-hmm. I mean, no, it's more just walking by. I've never really kind of gone and like a tourist. Stomp on the ones you don't like? I have definitely wanted to do that before, but I do not endorse it.

Stomping on people's stars. Yeah. I don't support that. If you're a star stomper in this town that's gonna come back around sun tzu would tell us often that when you stomp on a star you're stomping on the moon if you miss you could actually stop because i actually read We must. Because I actually read The Art of War, and I feel like we must be going off different translations. The what of what?

Yeah, this is not that one. This is not. You wrote more than one book. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, I guess that was the main one. I feel like most people quote. I don't even know that one.

I mean, I've read How to Make It in Showbiz by Sun Tzu. Yeah. The Panda's Vacation. Panda's Vacation. And I think he did one of those Harry Potter books. Like Goblet of Bugs or whatever. Like a goblet of bugs or whatever. Couldn't you take a stencil of a star and just trace it, I guess?

That would probably make it easier. Do you think Les Moonves is going to be impressed by a stencil? And I will say also, I don't want to get into too much detail on this. The risk of that is you get the wrong kind of star. And then you are tracing a star on this page. It's divisive. And it can make people upset. Some people, I think, like it more.

So you're implying like I would put a star of David on my resume? I mean, I know the difference. Let's move on. Hey, are you hiring and do you know where to post your job to find the best candidate? you guys know?

It can be tough. Wait, sorry. Okay. Do you know like where to post it if you're hiring? I want to know. So with ZipRecruiter, you can post your job to 100 plus job sites with just one click.

Real quick, it's tough to find great talent. It really is. And so if you're hiring, we're trying to actually help you right now so like go ahead and we've done ads in the past about uh dana the robot witch who we should have used zip recruiters we didn't have to hire her and we've done a lot of creative series of kaiju to fight her such as kevin evan vivin ivan yeah yeah. And all that stuff is awesome. And we've done a lot of creative ads and created some great images of you picturing this robot witch and these kaiju.

But now we've actually come up with a really cool image just for this company. Because we need a new direction to go. Based on the name. And so this is kind of an ad for you to hear. We are trying to help you. Finding great talent is actually really tough. Yeah. But we're also trying to help the company if they want to do like,

I don't know if it's a graphic or something. This could scale to any visual medium in addition to podcasting. Including a full length movie or series of movies. But it's called ZipRecruiter. With ZipRecruiter you can post your job to 100 plus sites with one click. They've got this powerful technology that matches the right people to your job better

than anyone else. So here's what I picture. It's almost like taking this job posting and putting it on a zip line, freaking like in those canopy tours. A jungle zip line. Yeah, like a Costa Rica or whatever. Yeah. It's like a jungle zip line where you're like holding holding thing going like holy shoot i'm freaking zooming and you're zooming it

down the zipline to all the other canopies and the canopies are you know these other sites there's people yeah waiting there i guess, like, the good talent. Yeah. And you're scooping them up from their village? Well, because, yeah, oh, yeah. Okay. Because, like, you don't have to juggle emails or calls to your office because it's, like, you're just ziplining it out to them. You're just ziplining it out, yeah.

You know? So, like, ZipRecruiter, I guess, is, like, the tallest tree in the jungle. Yeah. And there's all these ziplines running from it that's like for every tour. The movie, I guess, is a war between the people up on the zip line versus like people on the ground that are like throwing rocks at them and stuff. And there's 100 plus zip line tours. Yes. That you're zooming it out to.

Yes. And they're like scooping up the talent to build their super team. And there's also like a little like and there's also like a little cartoon jungle frog who's like jumping along the top of the zip line yes and so this is like you know yeah oh you already did an ad about like businesses in the jungle in this no it's same episode it's on purpose obviously they they they're like communicating with each other these ads well because 80 of jobs posted on these zip lines get a qualified candidate in just 24 hours. So could you do me a favor, actually, Hayes?

Just real quick in the middle of the ad. Could you do me a favor? Could you find out today why ZipRecruiter has been used by businesses of all sizes to find the most qualified job candidates with immediate results? Okay. So I – okay. I mean, I know my listeners can do it. I'll go to the website. I'll go to the website.

I'll go to ziprecruiter.com slash first. That's ziprecruiter.com slash first. Another thing I'd like to point out is these zip lines often sort of highlight the stuff that you have going on downstairs, just like the way you're suspended. Oh, yeah. No, because the harness sort of creates a nice pouch out of just normal shorts. So the ad could be, you know, that could be a big part of like the visual. I mean, that's going to be part of casting, and I wouldn't mind being in on that casting session. So, yeah, you can post this stuff for free.

Go ahead. These days you can get practically everything on demand. I'll say. So why are you still going to the post office? Yeah, what's with that? Limited hours when you can get practically everything on demand. I'll say. So why are you still going to the post office? Yeah, what's with that? Limited hours where you can get- Sorry to interrupt, but why are you doing that? With stamps.com, you can get posted on demand.

Yeah, stamps.com. These days it's just like you could get almost anything on demand. So people who are going to the post office, I'm like, and sorry to sort of repeat what you said, but I am literally like, why are you doing that? Yeah. Um, because anything you can do at the post office, you can do right from your desk with stamps.com, especially if you have a small business, this is great for small businesses. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. And there, and there are obviously businesses, normal sort of small businesses, local businesses that are able to use stamps.com. And if they have shipping involved in

their business, then they no longer have to pay for postage. But actually what I've been thinking about lately is I think this could work for businesses so small that you can't even see them. Really tiny businesses that like a little frog has, like a little jungle frog, has a business where he is selling- Flies, free, or flies to other, it can't be free, because that's not a business, but flies to other frogs. Yeah. But I'm actually thinking, I would be able to see that business. That business would, in fact, be the size of a postage stamp, which you don't need anymore,

because stamps.com. Because stamps.com, you don't print them out, which we've also been informed. So that's not even going to be, by the time this ad airs, that's not even going to be a reference of size for people anymore, that you'd say size of a postage stamp. People won't know because it's all on demand now. But I'm thinking of a business so small that it's like a little germ. A little germs business?

Yeah, and he's like selling, he's got an Etsy shop and he makes germ sweaters. And that could be good for stamps.com. Well, it could because you think about a germ trying to go to the post office and wait in line

and first of all, it's going to get everybody sick, but secondly, the woman at the register can't hear him when he tries to buy stamps. So he's going to get everybody sick. But secondly, the woman at the register can't hear him when he tries to buy stamps. So he's going to have to get inside a computer, like a computer virus, and order it all himself.

And I appreciate that Cody is trying to recreate that. So there's this very high-pitched ringing in my headphones. And what it sounds like is millions of germs screaming, hooray, I need stamps. Oh, yeah is millions of germs screaming, hooray. I need stamps. Oh, yeah. Oh, or they're screaming, hooray. Thank you for the homemade jewelry. Because anything you can do at post office, you can do it from your desk at stamps.com,

whether you're a germ or a little jungle frog. Buy and print U.S. postage for any letter or package using your own computer and printer or using one that somebody left in the woods or use one that is inside the microscopic slide yeah um and i said you don't print them before you do print them obviously but it's not they don't look like the stamps that you're supposed to lick no no no they're different looking they look yeah they're cleaner unlike the post office stamps.com never closes you can get posted to whenever you need it 24 sounds like the germs are getting louder they're so excited about this opportunity.

Yeah, no, they love it. It's a really nice effect, Toby. Thank you. Because in the past, not only did small businesses lose so much money buying postage, but a lot of germs couldn't start an Etsy page where they make snap bracelets for other germs or little germ fidget spinners. for other germs or little germ fidget spinners. And a lot of jungle frogs who had a surplus of flies and knew that there were areas of the jungle where there were fewer flies

weren't able to capitalize on that. Mail the flies. Yeah, and mail them. So right now use my code. Mine, not Hayes'. Handbook for this special offer. I am getting my own code. Hayes can get his own.

I'm working on a code. Use my code handbook for this special offer. Four-es gonna get his own i'm working on a code use my code handbook for the special offer four-week trial includes postage in a digital scale don't wait go to stamps.com before you do anything else click on the radio microphone at the top of the home page and type in handbook that's stamps.com and this is for jungle frogs in terms too and enter code handbook stamps.com never go to the the post office again. My code is going to be the stamps. Never do it. Oh yeah. Don't use the stamps now. And don't

use the code the boys. They did promise us they were going to get us that after we made a joke about it and then we thought this would be so funny when it really happens but now it's been like two months and nobody fucking did anything. Bang, I see you pouring yourself a glass of water, and that reminds me of general meetings. Yeah. Do you know about these?

A little bit. It's just where you get to meet people in casting or at a studio. You just kind of get to know you. That's what a lot of people think it is, yeah. But it's not just where you get to meet people in casting or at a studio, right? It's not just that. I'll take your word for it. It's an opportunity.

Okay, yeah. You didn't say that. You didn't even mention that. That's true. I didn't. Yeah, I didn't. I get what you're saying, yeah. Can make a big impression.

You can. So one thing you might want to do is have a crazy voice and be acting all insane when you go to these meetings. Yeah. Be tough. Be being very tough. Real. True to your street roots. Yes. And what I bring up the water, they're going to offer you a glass of water. I find it's best to have a really funny joke. One of the first things they'll say, can I get you water? What I'll say is, yeah, sure, I'd love to go for a swim. And then I pour the water all over me and all over them.

Yeah. And then I act like I'm swimming. Yeah, say I'm a fish now. Yeah. I'm a fish. Wow, that's a big. And really be a fish. And be a fish. And then be allergic to fish and choke to death.

You know, do something where these guys, when you walk out of the room, they go, I got to work with this guy. Right? Yeah, it seems like a big swing. That's a bold choice. But I get what you're saying. Yeah, you want to be memorable. You want them to be talking about you after you leave.

Do you ever do quick change? Like change what I'm wearing? No, you wear like a big... It actually would be great to have someone else helping you with this. A woman, ideally. Okay. But you have like a big hoop that's around you. Like a magician.

Right. Well, you don't want to be a magician. You're like a big hoop that's around you. Like a magician. Right. Well, you don't want to be a magician. You are like an actor, but you can just change clothes really fast as well. And so you, like the woman tosses up the hoop and you got to get into your next layer of clothing before it comes down. And usually it's just like a string that you have special clothes and like you pull a string and they'll just like just like suck in all around you and you'll be wearing different clothes don't tell them that's how it works like you do it and you just you act as surprised to have different clothes on as they are i just don't want you to go into this being like okay i've

got to just be able to like change my clothes really fast because you'll just be like kind of touching your shirt just another water joke as i'm realizing i've done that swim one before that maybe you could do is uh one thing is when they go hey do you want some water you can go yeah sure he's really thirsty today and you pour it in your dick okay yeah that they would certainly remember that. You know? Brett, here, show them how that would work. You don't have to. Hey, Brett, can I get you some water? Yep.

He's real thirsty. Here you go. And just pour it right in there. Okay, yeah. Now, see, now, Brett doesn't need any kind of funnel or anything because of just the way that he is built where— And you shouldn't be taking your dick out. Well, no. I mean, you should, like, turn away while you're doing this.

Turn your back so that your butt cheeks are facing them. And then with great effort, pour it in. Yeah. And don't spill a drop and again because again i don't want you to get sort of like cocky going into this because like you see brett who is sort of more whole than man for you you are going to need some kind of funnel or other device to get it all in there i mean this is like the bottles they give you. Some of the time are going to be pretty large.

I mean, I've gone on generals before and I normally, you know, maybe we'll bring like a headshot or something just in case they ask for it. But you're saying I should bring a funnel, a hoop, an assistant and some extra clothes to change into. That seems like a lot. And you might want to bring your own water in case they don't have any. Yeah, a lot of times they don't do water anymore. And I would say you're going to want to bring something that I think is really smart to do now,

is bring a brick. And when they ask what it is, you go, this is the first brick in Trump's wall. I'm going to help him build it. Because these are big companies we're dealing with and they don't want you fighting City Hall. You know what I mean? They've got to interact with the powers that be. So you go, I'm on board, you know, and any words you want to use to describe some of those other people, just go ahead and use them. Because, you know, you're going to be

in the room with guys like us I thought Hollywood was kind of a liberal place this is a commercial enterprise these guys are big big money and so they're liberal to a point and that was kind of when Obama was the boss and things are a little bit

different now you put that brick down and you go buck stops down and you go, buck stops here. Yeah, and you stand on it and you say, try and get past me. Yeah. And so that's a great way to make an impression that's like, oh, this guy's going to be a little easier

to market. Team player. Yeah, team player. Exactly. By saying the buck stops here, senior. Get past me. And if stops here senior get past me and if they try to get past you by the way it is being fair and equal because you're also not letting anybody

go through the other way oh yeah you know they would this is how walls work and this is a thing that I think confuses people about this, that they think for some reason a wall only works on one side or on one kind of people.

No, no, no. They're maybe thinking of like those bookshelves where you pull a book out and it spins around and you're on the other side of it. Yeah. Which I think there is going to be a part of the wall that's like that I'm going to talk about. But they don't know that. No, no. So probably one of the things they're going to want to talk about with you in these meetings is, hey, what do you watch?

Hey, what do you watch? So a cool trick is you go, everybody's shit but yours. So like, you're at Paramount or whatever, you go, Warner Brothers shit's pretty fucking cool. Yeah.

But your shit sucks, dude. And you really aren't going to make them want you in this way and go, we got to work with this guy, right? Okay, so you're like nagging them. I don't know what that is. No, I haven't really. But it's, you are going to want to establish Kino as well. I don't know if you're familiar with this concept. But now they're saying like, oh, my shit is so bad.

I need someone to help me make it good, as good as some of these other guys. Everyone in showbiz feels like there's a fraud on the inside. And they are afraid of being exposed and finding out that their shit sucks. So when somebody goes, what do you watch? You're at Paramount. You're at Sony. You go like, I certainly don't watch your bullshit, hombre. But you do want to say, and I watch everything.

That's good. Yeah. You do want it because then it would be like, oh, this guy loves TV and movies. Everything else. He doesn't like any of our shit. Everybody else, there's other shit that sticks up to yours. Yeah. And if you got a drain weasel, you do it right there on the floor.

Turn around. Again. Turn around to show your butt shots. Obviously, turn around. Okay. I mean, this is why I took the class. This is definitely not stuff I would do. And you are absolutely going to have to do it.

I mean, like, try not to do it right away after you, because the shaft of your penis is going to be full of water. And so, like, try and show them that you can keep it in there for, like, at least a little bit. Right. Because I'm going to have to pee, and also I have put water in my penis with a funnel. You know, if you're struggling with this part of it, it's not necessary. Like this is one that you could take or leave. And explain to them that it's not pee. It's not really pee.

It's really just water. Yeah. It's like urine. Yeah. So be like, I'm not peeing. Mm-hmm. And if there's a strong man with you and you can sort of pick him up and go like, geez, if he's strong and I'm picking him up, you know, what do I got going on?

Yeah. Engineer Brett. Let them put it together. All right. So also bring a strong man. Engineer Brett, can you think of any sort of like circusy magic trick halftime show things that Bang could do in here? The woman could be strong. That could actually be really brave.

Wow. Yeah. If she's like some kind of strong freak. Okay. I can see why that would be brave. But with like, she's still going to have like. Yeah. Because a lot of them don't really have like. You're copying your hands.

They're too strong. They're like, can kind of lose some of the. So you, so I want to find a strong woman with big breasts. Well, it's, you know, dang, it's. Brett, did you think of anything you've had a little while? Oh, like Chicken Boy? Yeah. You do the Chicken Boy moves.

I did promise we'd get into some scene work, and I know you're itching to show Hayes what you've got. Yeah. So we've got some copy here for you. Okay. And if you want to just lay some of this on us and give us a real performance. Okay. It seems like you guys, a real performance. Okay. It seems like you guys are trying to humiliate me. What do you mean?

Why? I'm diarrhea. You're the physical embodiment of diarrhea. Yeah. And you're commercial. Yeah. Where, yes, you are being defeated. Mm-hmm.

Okay. You're the diarrhea dragon, and you're getting slayed by the Imodium Sword. Okay. Ooh, it's me, diarrhea. Don't change your voice. You will? Okay. It says here that it sounds like a dragon. But that's fine. That's fair. Fair note. Okay.

But dragons can be cool, like smoke. Okay. Oh, it's me, diarrhea. Well, do change your voice. Don't do the voice you were doing. But maybe give me something. Yeah, change it from that. Yeah, but just give me something where, who should you sound like?

Who else is cool other than Smaug? Is there somebody really cool, cool other than Smaug? Is there somebody really cool? Like, not Smaug, but someone like that. Who is cool like Smaug, but... Jay Barrow shall. Yes. Give me some Jay.

Okay. Is Jay there? I feel like he doesn't sound that much different than I do. Okay, so lean into that. It doesn't sound that much different than I do. Okay, so lean into that. Ooh, it's me, diarrhea. Hey, Jay.

Oh, no. Sorry to hear Man Seeking Movement's not coming back. Do you want to improv off the, because your side of the story. I didn't know I was saying that out loud. Okay. Is that true? Yeah. Oh, my God.

Yeah. Keep doing. Not a modium. That's my weakness. Mm-hmm. Ah! Ah! You'll rue the day.

Now is a good time for some improv. Fuck the words, right? Who gives a fuck about the words? We don't give a shit about the fucking words. We can talk about where you're going to go now. I don't care what the words are, man. I don't give a fuck about the fucking words We can talk about where you're going to go now I don't care what the words are man I don't give a fuck about the fucking words I want the feeling

Where is this guy going Next What's he going to do today He's diarrhea dragon He's been slain by a modi Okay and what happens when we die We're just worm food What do you think is going to happen to him Yeah. Okay, and what happens when we die? We're just worm food? Yeah.

What do you think is going to happen to him? This is where you get to put your spin on the afterlife. Please tell my son I loved him. And who's your son? He's probably a younger, just a little baby diary. Yeah. And especially if he's telling somebody, I guess he's maybe just one sloppy.

Yeah. He's one sloppy sash. Like it's not like, he's like a, yeah. Okay. Yeah. He's just like a splatter,

but he's not like a whole day of being sort of laid up. Yeah. Do you want me to work that in? So it feels like you think you're maybe above doing commercials, right? And we didn't get into this to do commercials, right? You wanted to do theater. This is just one that I feel like is specifically insulting. specifically insulting.

That's so funny you should say that because that copy is actually taken from an advertisement that Reese Iphans did. Mm-hmm. So everybody's got to eat. So what do you, so now. Everybody's got to eat, right? Even Reese Iphans. Right. And this is unfortunately how the sausage gets made.

Eiffens. Right. And this is unfortunately how the sausage gets made. And I think you should bear in mind that a lot of big actors, Reese Eiffens, et cetera, got their start in commercials. So I'd see it as an opportunity. Let me ask you just a quick sort of fun trivia. Would a Scar Joe,

Harrison Ford, and Zachary Braffery have in common? What do they all have in common? They're actors. And they all did make a lot of money. And that, you know, maybe

they did commercials. Zachary Rafferty worked at a restaurant where he had to be a Japanese woman. Yeah. Yeah. Another thing that you said earlier was a bad thing to do. Scarlett Johansson was a freaking ghost inside of a shell for a long time. Well, just the most recent movie. time. Well, just the most recent movie. I mean, I think those are different things.

Okay. Let's do another, let's do a different commercial. And this is, and this is just, we're just going to work on taglines. Okay. Cause it seems like it's, we gave you more than you could chew. We're just going to work on taglines. Yeah. And just give me this and I hope I'm not giving you too much of a read. With a name like Smuckers, it's got to

be good. And he can't say that any other way. With a name like Smuckers, it's got to be good. But don't just do what I did.

Yeah. Innovate on that. Hey, with a name like Smuckers, it's got to be good. But don't just do what I did. Yeah. Innovate on that. Hey, with a name like Smuckers, it's got to be good. What do you mean? What are you saying? Who are you talking to? I guess this is the tagline. I'm talking to the audience.

I'm trying to make it seem like they're my friend. Okay. Well, you are, you should probably be a baby. Right? They get little babies to do this. Okay. Stuff. Like a toddler, I'll

try to change my voice. A toddler with a secret. With a name like Smuckers, it's got to be good. So many missed opportunities. So many. It's making me sad. Yeah, I'm crying, actually. And I'm weeping big tears.

Here's something I miss. And I'm going at a funeral for Smuckles, right? Okay. All right. I'm at the funeral of that word, which would have been such a funny way to be a baby saying that word. For a baby, yeah. Yes. Yeah, give him a little bit of a lisp or something.

Okay, that's fair. Fair note. Mm-hmm. I feel like they would probably cast an actual kid if they wanted to have a kid's voice. There's laws. There's all kinds of labor laws. Can't do it.

Every baby you see on TV is two twin adult men. Old men. So it's like, give me it and make sure we know the secret. Maybe the baby buried his mom's gun in the backyard. Okay. I don't know what he's going to use it for, but he needed it for something.

But you know. Yeah. Okay. And you tell me. Uno. Yeah. Okay. And you tell me.

With a name like Smuckers, it's got to be good. And I'm buying jelly now. Yes, I'm eating the jelly. And I'm eating a lot of jelly. Getting it on my face. We wouldn't be learning about commercials And how different they can be Right If we weren't

Doing a commercial for Red Stripe Beer As Sebastian Krafft from The Little Mermaid Okay Alright this is You wrote this copy Please slate your name Please slate your name. Yes. Please slate your name.

Hi, I'm Bang Rajman. I'm reading for Red Stripe. Turn to your left. Turn to your right. Hip muscle. Do a little. Poke him in the eye with it almost.

Here's the hip muscle. And you are not Bang Rajman. Yes, do a little. Just poke him in the eye with it almost. Here's the hip muscle. Mm-hmm. And you are not Bing Rodman. Mm-hmm. Okay. For the purposes of this exercise, right? Didn't I just hear? Yeah.

Okay, I am Sebastian the Crab. Mm-hmm. Okay, hi, I'm Sebastian the Crab. That's not, it doesn't sound like Sebastian the Crab. Hello, I'm Sebastian the Crab, reading for Red Stripe Beer. Okay, close enough. Because this isn't a Red Stripe Beer ad. Well, this is a campaign that they're considering, actually, that Hayes and I have come to them with.

It's the only beer that keeps away a Slenderman. I'm scared of the Slenderman. I can't do this voice. I'm scared of the Slenderman. Well, you're going to have to figure it out because I can't think of a TV channel that doesn't have some version of Sebastian and Kravon. I can't think of a TV channel that doesn't have some version of Sebastian the Crab on it. Hello, friends. I'm scared of the Slender Man, the Bye Bye Man, and the Beetlejuice Man.

Do you know who this is, who I'm hearing? Fat Bastard. We're mixing a little bit of Fat Bastard in here with Sebastian the Crab. And I never thought I'd say that and not mean it in a good way. I really didn't. All right, well, yeah. Maybe it's because you were just being a baby and he at the baby. I don't know if that's what's going on here. I guess I'm just, I don't really worry about Jamaican accents because I'm not

going to be cast as a Jamaican guy not with that attitude and your Colonel Sanders could be a Jamaican Colonel Sanders this is one they've done the gold one he could be doing jerk chicken or something and is that

interesting I guess so Mm-hmm. And is that interesting? I guess so. You know what? Uh-huh. Let's pull the restrictions. Are you okay with this, Hayes? Hayes is a big casting director.

He does a lot of commercials, but a lot of times he just wants to see what somebody's got. So you don't like the copy we're giving you and I'm going to be fair now and just say, you just do any commercial you want. And you tell me what you think a good commercial is. And what a good company would be. What a good company would be. You know? And just you give it to me.

You feel like you're not able to be a normal guy because you're being Sebastian and Crab doing Red Stripe? You want to be Bang Raj Man? Well, no. I mean, this is my company. This copy is Sebastian the Crab, and he's talking about—he's not talking about Red Stripe beer. He's talking about the Bye Bye Man.

He's talking about the Slender Man, and he's talking about whatever the Beetlejuice Man is. And then he goes in to insult me personally. Oh, Sebastian the Crab's not a fan. That's interesting. What's he saying? He's saying that I have an STD. Oh, bang. Oh, yuck.

And I mean, do you get how there's a funny thing there? I mean, he is. Yes, he's crabs. He's one of those, you know? Right. So that's why he's like, and I would know. I mean, he is. Yes, he's Krabs. Krabs is like one of those, you know? Right. So that's why he's like, and I would know because I am Krabs. Yeah. So that's why he has that line in there.

Yeah. It just seemed like it was, I don't know, maybe this is what you guys are doing, and I appreciate that of just trying to give me the worst possible thing for me to read as like a test. So let's hear again. If this is so bad for you and you do just want to be a Bang Raj man doing an ad for your new company, I guess is what you want. If it's the Bang Raj man company, the only thing is I don't know what the ad budget is for that because I don't know that.

And I don't know, yes, I don't know what you want to sell. If like Red Strip Beer is a problem for you, what is this great product? Okay, no, I don't have a business in mind and I'm not trying to pitch my business. Okay, can we try one more thing? Impression. It feels like we're stretching you. We're stretching you too far, too fast. So let's narrow it and let's

say that you're giving a one of these testimonial type commercials where you're supposed to be a real person and you're just telling a simple story of like how you love you know your saturn ion and it's so safe and that the airbag was able to save you when you got in a fender bender but not your wife. And so just go. That's a fucked up commercial but I don't know if they would put that on. The car killed my wife.

It would be a bad advertisement for the car. They're not going to pretend that the fact they have an airbag means no one can die in the car but they're saying we are able to save a lot of people, not all. And say the stereo's nice in it. Okay. Hi, I'm a real Saturn Ion driver, and the car saved my life.

I got into an accident, and the airbag was able to save me. Unfortunately, my wife was not so lucky and she passed away. Say how her head landed like 50 feet from the car. Her head, she was decapitated. Shot out the sunroof or something? She was decapitated in the accident and her head shot out of the car. Yeah, 50 feet away. 50 feet away.

It shot out of the sunroof. And her body was still waving all around. She was waving her arms aroundroof. Her body was still waving all around. She was waving her arms around and stuff. Her body was still moving. And her head landed on a fire hydrant. Yeah. And her head landed on a fire hydrant.

And the fire hydrant exploded and it blasted the head up back into the car. And mentioned the anti-lock brakes. It's also got a great stereo and good anti-lock brakes. Yeah. So does that feel better because it's a little smaller, it's a little more in like your voice?

I mean, it was weird as fuck, to be honest with you. Because like you guys were giving me a lot of notes during it. And there were, it was pretty dark. I feel like I haven't seen a commercial that dark before, but it was an interesting challenge. Can I ask you, just for a little exercise, who were you picturing? As my wife? As your wife. I guess I was just thinking about my girlfriend.

You have to tell her that you feel this way. You're going around with it. Go to her. This is my wife. Yeah. This is what we find out when we do art right we reveal ourselves to ourselves

I pictured you know you as my wife like you know tell her about the fire hydrant before this happens I was going to leave out the death part but I'll tell I'll tell her I met this Before this happens. I was going to leave out the death part. But I'll tell her I met this casting director.

So you're going to start a marriage based on a secret that you keep from her. Is that healthy? Yeah, I guess that's not healthy. But I guess I'll cross that bridge when I get there. We kind of just started dating. Okay. How old were you when, we kind of just started dating, so. Okay. And just as- How old were you when you were kind of picturing this? How old were you?

I guess it was maybe a couple years older. A couple years older? Yeah. Okay. Okay, so if you get married in the next year, then you're putting everything in place for this to actually take place. To happen, yeah. Okay, that's a cruel thing to say. Real fast, you and Brett are the Sonic guys.

You're the Sonic guys and just do it. Brett, fire him off. Hey, I'm Sonic. He gave you a great gift there. Come on. You're Sonic. Can't wait to try these new uh onion ring burgers dip them in the milkshake well okay that seems like a weird way to eat a man but whatever you're

the sonic guy and brett's got the job okay yes See how that works Yeah but Brett is Sonic And you saying that you were Sonic Threw me off in a major way Because What is Sonic the Hedgehog No he didn't do any Sonic the Hedgehog related stuff

Yes I know but You're just the Physical embodiment of the restaurant? Have you seen this? They're running all the time. It's two guys in a car just having normal banter. Usually what they're eating is even an add-on later. So you want to be Sonic this time.

All right, we'll get one more. Hey, Sonic. Hey. I'm. This is a real juicy burger. Thank you. It's me, Sonic. Yeah.

I didn't give it to you. Yeah, but I gave it to you. It's my burger. I didn't give it to you. Yeah, but I gave it to you. It's my burger. I'm the restaurant. Dude. Okay, so what's he doing? This is helpful. What we're learning is that—

Did you think that he gave it to you? Because you said thank you. You said thank you. Improv is a lot about listening. He was complimenting my burger. That I gave him. Yeah, exactly. So he's the one saying thank you because you gave it to him.

This is a great opportunity. It seems like you think that he gave you the burger. You are Sonic in this one. I understand that. Do we want to do one more of these and you both be Sonic just so there's no confusion? Okay. You know. Yeah.

I don't see how it could hurt anymore. You can start it off. Okay. Hey, Sonic. Hey, Sonic. Sup? Great burger. Juicy, right? Yeah. It's real? Great burger. Juicy, right?

Yeah. It's real good. Thanks. And we're getting there. So... Well... Now I'm more confused. What's the matter?

Well, I'm just more confused. Do you have any notes for Brett? What? That he said thanks? He did the thing that he corrected you about last time? Yes. But now he was Sonic. Yeah, and this time he is also Sonic.

Yeah. Right. That's correct. I was Sonic last time. Well, you're Sonic again, but now he's Sonic. Okay. Okay. We're both Sonic.

Right. It feels like you're biting your tongue about something. No, I'm not. Thank you for doing the same with me. So you need some work on your improv, and that's going to be a big opportunity. I guess next class will be, you know, we'll just work on kind of throwing out the script and fuck the words. And, you know, I noticed that you weren't really able to improvise a story for the diarrhea dragon or who his son was. And you weren't really able to play with Brett.

And that's a high watermark because Brett's going to be throwing a wad at you. But I would say that that's something to focus on for next class. So just get ready and prepare to be unprepared. Okay. And if you're just tuning in, this is my monster class, and I am Shunk Lemons, and so... They're just tuning in. This is

the end of it, Sean. And here with Bang Raj Man, as that was Bang Raj Man doing, and so and come back for more. Thank you for the show. And the show. And the pays.

Hollywood Masterclass is a Stitcher original and a production of Midwell Media. Our executive producers are Chris Bannon and Jenny Radelet. Music and sound by Brett Morris. Hey, it's Hayes um so I had kind of a fun idea for uh for one of the ads this week I know some of these um serial ads sometimes they'll go out in the world and they'll just have like normal people um read the copy and so you know it's like people, um, read the copy. And so, you know, it's like, just like a fun change of pace from like just the guy in the studio reading the ads, you know, instead it's like normal people that you wouldn't normally expect. Uh, so I'm on the bus in Los Angeles, uh, that I've, you know, I've gotten on to sort of find a good candidate, um,

to, to read the ad. and I'm sitting next to a guy right now who, uh, I think he's gonna be, I'm not gonna use his name, uh, but he's just kind of a normal salt-of-the-earth guy, um, and so he is gonna read, uh, read, read the ad for, um, Audible's new comedy series, Eugene Merman's Hold On, um, so let me turn it over to him. Hold on. Um, so let me turn it over to him. Okay, so I just, uh, I just read this here. Okay.

Uh, so Eugene Merman, uh, got this new, uh, audible comedy series. Uh, it's, uh, it's released as a podcast every week on Monday. It's called, uh, Hold On. And, uh, he's got Eugene, he's got, uh, Maria Bamford on there. He's got, uh, Andy Richter. He's got, uh, W there. He's got Andy Richter. He's got Wiedel Jankovic. He's got, who else we got here? Kumail Nanjiani.

And they're coming on this show and they're talking about the funny backstories behind some of their most famous bits and material, the personal life stories behind some of the jokes. and material, the personal life stories behind some of the jokes. And so you can listen to it on Apple Podcasts or Audible or wherever you listen to your podcasts. And thank you so much. That was really great. And Kevin also, I guess, wanted us to talk about these T-shirts that we have on sale, these Wolf Cool T-shirts that used to be Wolf Pop T-shirts,

t-shirts that we have on sale, these Wolf Cool t-shirts that used to be Wolf Pop t-shirts, that they just wanted to squeeze more money out of this Wolf Pop inventory that they had, so they changed what Wolf Pop to Wolf Cool and had us sign Kevin did that. It seems like a pretty crass effort

to just make an extra buck. I totally agree. So those are at podswag.com slash the voice. It also doesn't seem appropriate to talk about that at this ad for something else. Believe me. I totally agree. That was a HeadGum Podcast.