Hollywood Handbook - Far East Movement, Our Favorite Band

Episode Date: May 16, 2016

Hayes and Sean are brought to the studio against their will for an unscheduled record. This episode is sponsored by Nudist Colony Clothing.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. So, a trip to the dog park. They're running around and I see Wolf Blitzer. No, the fact that his name is Wolf has nothing to do with any of the dogs. Even though that's a kind of big dog. That's why I pointed out. And he says, have you met my dog? And his dog comes over and I'm like, oh.

And just so I know, the dog breed is not a wolf. His dog is not a wolf. No. Let me tell you about his dog. I'm looking at this dog and I say, Wolf, are you where your dog's frigging head fell off? And Wolf is like, no, let me explain. He's a turtle dog. He's scared.

So his head is permanently on the inside. I see. Okay. So the dog has a shell that is where his body lives. Yes. His body is a shell. Mm-hmm. And then so he's got a turtle lives. Yes. His body is a shell. Mm-hmm. And then, so, he's got a turtle dog.

Yes. And then did he ever hit it with a lawnmower or something, like in the backyard, and then there's a big chip out its shell? He didn't do that. Hmm. That's weird to you. Just seemed like bound to happen. Inside the shell, they look basically like a rock.

Hey, I hate the way this microphone is now. I have to lean so far forward. What happened to the thing? And this is part of the new Josh thing. And we do appreciate that Josh was able to do this at the last second. We do appreciate it. You know what? Somebody switched them.

This should be here. Everything is a little bit worse than normal. And I'm talking to you, Josh, and you can... Oh, and now I'm here? Oh, that feels better. Hey, so I didn't mean to ruin your turtle dog story. What happened next, Hayes? His dog and my dog, Jason, became friends.

Okay, and your dog is a wolf? Yes. Yes. Hey, welcome to Hollywood Handbookbook an insider's guide to kicking butt and dropping names in the red carpet linebacker hallways of this industry we call showbiz what up what up this is uh it's a weird one for a lot of reasons the whole josh thing is um is super weird uh very rarely do we not set up our own records. Usually it's us reaching out to a guest and saying that we need to put this together.

And calling the shots, saying you got to be here at this time. In this case. You got to dress like this. You got to bring these drinks for us and also this kind of donut for Hayes. Yeah. Or he's going to be real crabby. And here's all the funny stuff for you to say. Oh, yeah. And say some of this funny stuff and we have it all prepared. Yes. And so this episode

might feel a little weird because quite frankly, we got blindsided. Hayes and I got grabbed and thrown in a van. We were emailed by the guests and we were like, maybe not today, maybe some other day or something. And then Adam Sachs emailed us and was like, guys, can you get in there and do this one today? We said no, and then we went for a walk, and then we got thrown in a van. For a shared walk. Like what I said.

And then we were grabbed and thrown in a van. And let's just go with what I said. That was the end of it. And so Tom Sharpling and Julie Klausner are here. And it's the two of them. Hi, guys. Hey, what's up? Hey, Sean. What up, what up? So, one of you emailed us.

We had both of them on the show very recently. They've both been here, yeah, individually. It's so great to be back. Tom's been on the show 11 times. Yes. Queenie's been here. This is her. Yes. Queenie's been here. This is her third time. Third or fourth.

Mm-hmm. And we don't know which. And we're. There's no way to check. I'm kind of the Steve Martin of this piece at this point, right? Yeah, in a way. And I'm the Edie Brickell. Yeah.

And together we have a musical. Yes. And we are here. Steve Martin. Yeah, because you do all the banjo stuff, too. I do the banjo stuff, yeah. And I'm here to do verbal banjostics with my bro at Big Red, Julie Klausner. What up, what up? Yeah, what up, what up indeed.

All this what up, what up-ing Yeah Yeah What does it all mean? It's almost starting to seem deliberate What? Because What? What?

Up? What? Yeah Up What up, what up? I'm concerned And because Sean does say that

And he only says it sometimes now And he parcels them out very carefully And when he does People online say that, and he only says it sometimes now, and he parcels them out very carefully. And when he does, people online say, oh, we got one, a little fish food. I make it special for them. They swim to the top and they go. Yeah. What do they go? Well, you used to get a Star Wars movie once every 20 years.

Now you're getting one every three months. That's where what up, what up's going. We're blowing this thing wide open as a part of what we are here to tell you two dudes all about. And in another sense, we're not here. You know what I mean? We're not here. Oh, wow. Don't treat this like we're here because we're not.

This is really putting me on my heels. Do a show. Do a show. Do a show. We had that initial. And if I appear to be writing something down while you're talking, don't worry about it. I won't be able to tell. By all means, why don't you pick it up from that story where you were at the dog park.

I wrote down turtle dog. Turtle dog. Yeah. Okay. Well, that story is resolved. Yes, and it was good. Now, this one is just beginning. We got some email, maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but someday soon you'll be recording a podcast.

And that's all we knew. Yes. And so it feels like this is that podcast. And last time we heard from Tom, he was in Engineer Cody's engineer boot camp in school. It was not resolved whether he actually became an engineer or not. Kind of petered out. Not sure whose fault that was. Probably Tom's.

Kind of trickled to a non-conclusion. Yeah. Felt like maybe it lost some steam or maybe never had momentum to begin with. Now. A little bit of both. I just remembered I've been here three times. Not four. Okay.

I'm sorry. Three was the original number I thought that we- And that got said. And then who remembers who brought up four? It could have been Julie. It could have been anybody. But somebody brought up four and now maybe the same person is saying, no, no more four. Here's what's stressful to me about this situation.

Maybe the same person is saying no, no more for. Here's what's stressful to me about this situation. I haven't looked in the news today to see what's good to talk about in movies. And so when you say just like do a show. A normal show. What's required first is to go to the news and say, oh, wouldn't that be interesting for people to hear our take on? Yeah, I want to know what people think about what we think. File away an experience in my daily life.

Sure. Which I was not prepared to do. Turtle dog is one thing that happened, but that's almost like- That's almost squeezed dry. So yeah, that's cashed. So at this point, I'm like, do we dive back into Turtle Dog? Maybe Wolf's name being Wolf and he's at a dog park? I feel like we've explored

that enough. Should we give some context to why we're here? And again, we're not here. Let me rephrase. That might help. Comrade. Partner. Can we give some context as to why we're not here? Yes, that would be so good.

You know that I made a play to try to lure Hayes to stay on the East Coast, switch Hollywood handbook to Big Apple Bible. Didn't go well. Ended up on a train. Ended up on some godforsaken live episode of your show with Engineer Cody. I was beneath him trying to get back in on the whole thing. Bad play. Looked at myself in the mirror. Bad play.

And just like. There were a lot of stops and starts with your relationship to this show. Where do you have a mirror? Where do I have a mirror? Tom keeps a man compact. Okay. Yeah. It doesn't have powder in it.

It's just a. Well, what does it have where the powder would be? Another mirror. Double mirror. Yeah. Double mirror. Just like. Infinity.

Yeah. Just like that. The thing with the auto tune. Double mirror. What a miracle. What was that the auto-tune. Double mirror. What a miracle. What was that one? Oh, no. I don't know.

But now I have to. He's talking about the double rainbow. Yeah. It is just like that. Oh, right. I was stoned. Do you think he was messed up? I feel like he was super stoned.

I feel like he was messed up on hot brownies. I'm so glad we're talking about it. It's funny, but I think he was messed up. I think he had taken edibles. And remember, he goes, is this real life? Yeah, that's the... Charlie bit my finger. Damn, Charlie.

I'm at the bottom of the barrel. I'm looking up at Engineer Cody. And I'm saying this to myself in the mirror. How far have you fallen, Tom? And then I get a call from Julie. She's coming to town. I'm stuck out here in Los Angeles. She's like, I got a play to make, and we're going to get it all back.

It's like – Well, we've made plays with Julie. I mean, we've made two musicals. Well, no, this is – I mean, a play, not a stage play. This is a business play, and we're ready to make a business play. How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying? That's another play. I love that one.

It's a business play. Yeah, that's a business play. But this is a play in the world of business. Flag on the field. Yeah. Is that a musical? No, it's a... Hum a few bars. It's a play, right? Flag on the field?

Flag on the field. I think that's... Is that football? Whatever it is, I'm probably not using it right. Sorry. Julie pretends not to know about football as part of her brand. I know. But she's always wearing that...

That redskins jersey. I wear that leather... That's why you call her red. Le know. But she's always wearing that jersey. Redskins jersey. I wear that leather. That's why you call her red. Leatherheads. Yeah. You always got your old-timey football leatherheads helmet on. And a fur coat and a Yale pennant. Yeah.

And an art monk jersey. And those Joe Namath white chinos. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. So Julie's like, fear not, friend. Mm-hmm. You're at the bottom We're gonna get this back She has a play to make

Not a Sports Or theater Okay I didn't say anything A sports play Damn Yankees Whatever Lola wants Lola gets A double play But Lola wants Lola gets a double play

but Lola from the kink song oh interesting oh wow with the power man oh good yeah yeah so she has an idea we're gonna get it all back and then

would you like to tell them what we decided to do? Remember that Wes Anderson trailer? We sold, should we say the news? We optioned. You sold the news? We optioned Hollywood Handbook. Oh, wow.

Hey, now, what do you mean? Well, what we mean. We're in business. Is option like a quarterback option? No. Because you seem to be living in that realm right now. No, no. We met with Adam.

Mm-hmm. Sacks. Yeah. And Paul Feig. And Paul Feig. Got him attached. All of us came in. Optioned the show.

Reboot. Yeah. Hollywood handbook. With a woman on one role. So it's like it's half Paul Feig and then it's half Adam. Adam Sachs. Adam Sachs, the masculine side. Feig-Sachs. Of the equation.

Yeah. So it's like a sack of Feigs. Sack of Feigs. Like, yeah. Sack of Feig-Newtons. Yeah. Sack of feegs. Like, yeah. Sack of feeg Newtons. Yeah. Feeg. Newton.

Yes. Which would be. Sack of feegs. Sack of feegs. Yeah. So it's kind of like being out in Coachella. Sack of Jafiga. Where the feegs are from.

No, those are dates. Those are not feegs. They grow dates out there. Oh, yes. I've seen. We're going to be playing you in a movie. I can't help it. I just let it out.

No, don't burst out like that. I'm so excited, though. Now, hold on. I was invested in hearing the long version. Now, let's back up. What happened in between? It's a multi-platform. It's a multi-cam.. It's a multi-cam.

It's the first multi-cam movie. Multi-platform? Does it have a two-screen experience? No, we're going to do it. Well, it'll be screen-on-screen for people. There's a pip. It's going to be a pip experience. You know, picture-in-picture on the remote.

It's a pip experience. A pip experience. A pip experience. Oh, like Pippin? Mm-hmm. Yeah, another. Magic to do. I'm going to find my corner of the sky. You remember that part like Pippin? Mm-hmm. Yeah, another. Magic to do. Got to find my corner of the sky.

Remember that part of Pippin? I do. That's Ben Vereen. Rivers belong where they can tremble. So we are here. We're here. The point, we're not here, but we are here. We're not here.

It's like a ride along. We're here. When you make a. You and my spirit can run free you mentioned the musical so don't be like oh now don't brought up pippin look i want you guys to say whatever you want to say because we're here sings okay sing so we should put some singing in this thing and then maybe a qualifier on it like because they sing got They sing. I'm figuring if this thing's ultimately going to be a movie, we should probably do some podcasts as them.

Yeah. To kind of really just get the. And what we did is we tried to do one. We did like a dry run, but Tom was playing Sean like way too gay. Yeah. The engineer walked out. Because he was so turned on. And he came

back four minutes later. That's all it took. Then I did it again, then he walked out again and came back six minutes later. So this guy's getting boned out and seeking a release. Yeah. Yeah, we think so. From you playing me so gay. You might be taking a cold shower. Well, I didn't think of it.

I was just playing you. I was just playing you. We got feedback that it was too gay later from the engineer. Just for the movies or whatever. He didn't mention for anything. He just said that it was too. He said when he was listening to it, he had the compulsion to go out into the head and run off a batch of stomach pancakes. Twice.

Aren't all pancakes stomach pancakes? Where do you put them? Summer crepes. I think they end up in your stomach. I think they end up on his stomach. Oh, I see. Batter. Batter up. Oh, I see. Batter. Batter up.

Oh. Oh, he's blasting loads. Okay. Here's what I don't understand about any of this. Why is, like, Julie? Julie's got heat. What does she have to gain from working with Tom, who's radioactive? Julie's one of the funniest honeys in the business.

So at this point, I'm sort of going. I heard she was in a photo spray with Jen Kirkman recently. And look, my thing's toxic. I'll admit it. You admit it's very confusing. Tom and I have a relationship that precedes our relationship with show business. Yes. So what if I'm in podcast jail right now?

I can handle it. I'm going to fight my way out of jail. I'm going to break out of podcast jail. You know what? It was like that show, The Prison Break. Julie went into the prison and got me out. Tom's like family, so I will help him. Don't see that being your motivation.

I just feel like I know you better than that. There must be something else. That doesn't really work for me. You know what's reminding me of what Hayes is saying is when the engineer said I was playing Hayes too mean. Remember? Yeah. When he was just like, you're just making him like a fire-breathing dragon.

Yeah. The engineer was like, there's funny mean and mean mean. Did he have to go at him? What's his name, the poet in Reservoir Dogs who cut off that guy's ear? Nice guy, Eddie. No, he was mean. He wasn't nice. Mr.

It had Mr. in the title. Have you read Michael Madsen's poetry? Mr. Color. Yeah, Mr. Color is right. He writes poetry. Michael Madsen's poetry. Mr. Cullors. Yeah, Mr. Cullors, right. He writes poetry.

So what I do want to caution you against, Julie, is overestimating the amount of heat that you have and feeling like Tom can't bring you down through association. The way radioactivity works. And not the fun Spider-Man radioactivity, but like real radioactivity, like Tom radioactivity. Fair enough. Point. You have to bury him in the Mariana's trench.

If I... What if I turn out to be the first podcast superhero? Right? Tom, we didn't talk about any of this in the car. No, this is... This is... Look, let's get phase one. This is what he does, Julie.

He plays fast and loose. This is phase one. He surprises you in the worst way. This is what I'll say. Boys, do your show. We're here to take notes. Have at it. Okay, and we just pretend you guys aren't here.

We're not. Do we talk about you the whole time? What happened when you did the mean version of me? I cut off the engineer's pinky. Oh, my goodness. Did he crank out some tear pancakes? They're cheek pancakes. Well, they were red velvet.

You know what I mean? Because he was bleeding from the tan. Oh, my goodness. Because of the blood. Decadent. Yeah. So you're a woman playing Hayes, and the note was just that you were too mean. But then Tom's playing me, and he was too gay?

Can we even say that? I didn't. Look, I was just playing you as is. Can we say that on here? Can we say that on here? Are we allowed to? Josh, can we say that on this? I think it's fine.

Can we? I think it's fun. I don't trust Josh. Josh thinks it's fun. Fine we say that? I think it's fun. I don't trust Josh. Josh thinks it's fun. That's how he gets his kicks. What else do you think is fun? Paul Feig wears a 75-piece suit when he directs. Oh, yes, I've heard.

His pocket squares have pocket squares. And when his kerchief drifts to the floor, that's how you know it's time to cut. 75 PAs come out. When it settles on the floor, that's when it's time to cut. When he tucks his cravat into his cummerbund in the morning. Yes. I've heard. He really sits around the house.

I've heard, yes, that he really sits around the house. Really sits around the house. Really sits around the house. That's better than what I was going to say. That's good. That's, yes. And I'm willing to admit when something's better than what I was going to say. How was that? Really sits around the house. So good. Yes.

I feel like it's like, I think you went in the opposite direction now. It's not gay enough. Okay. Yeah, that don't really sound like me. That don't really sound like me. That's, there you go. And there's that in the zone. Okay.

Yeah. You know, a lot of actors start with the voice. Okay. But I prefer American Idol. But why are they having you do this? I understand. I own the rights. They need a woman to.

That's Paul Feig's brand. Yes. Feig. Why? It's still why Tom? Why is Tom the one playing Sean? There are so many. Yeah, that's right.

Like, how does Tom get to play me? There are lots of people who I think would be a great fit. I mean, Kirkman, for God's sake. Sure. Kirk Douglas. If we're getting funny honeys, let's get the Kirkman in here. Yeah, the Kirkman. Because Paul's only producing half of it, the other half has to be a male.

Kirk Douglas, Dick Van Dyke. Oh, Sax insisted on Tom. Mike Sax? No, no. I'm not poking a dead frog here. I'm talking about Adam Sax. Adam Sax likes Tom. They had a coffee I wasn't invited to.

Yeah. Oh, wow. I don't know what happened in it, but I know they did. In the coffee? Look, I'll say this. All due respect, it's none of your fucking business why I'm on the side of this table or not. Do the show. Do the show. Please.

Please. Please. And now we seem to have hit a kind of sensitive place. And now we seem to have hit a sort of sensitive place. Wait a minute. Two hazes.

Is there an echo in here? Hold on. How could haze be if he's over but you're just but she was over. Usually my voice just is inside

my own head. So what you're saying is you hate Jews. Yes. How come I like cookie, but often like ice creams. Yeah. No. No. I do just say

no and yeah a lot. Searching for something better to say. I would never ask that question. I know exactly why. Ice cream is too cold. So, one thing

I'm thinking is so crazy is we're movies guys who did a podcast, and now these podcasters are taking our podcast and making a movie. Using people who are not movie people. Yeah, not much. I mean, that seemed a little inside out. And I don't mean the Mindy Kaling vehicle. Mindy. Mindy Kaling. Mindy Kaling vehicle. Mindy.

Mindy Kaling. K-A-L. U-S-N-E-R. Is she one of the funny honeys? S-C-H. Did she make the funny honeys? Is she one of the funny honeys? What?

Is Mindy Kaling one of the funny honeys? I told them about my band. Okay, the funny honeys. It's like the rock bottom remainders of women in comedy. Yeah, and Stephen King plays the drums in both. He's pretty cool. Dave Barry,

does Dave Barry get to? Dave Becky and Dave Barry play the triangles. They share a triangle. They share a triangle. And you know who the third side of the triangle is for? Todd Berry.

Todd Berry. I've got a note for the band. Becky Berry Berry? More cowbell. He's drinking like a kombucha. Spicy drink. It's a spicy drink. It's part of the spicy drink challenge.

It's a cayenne kombucha. It's an ongoing challenge. I'll probably put like something else in that bottle though. You know what I mean? Like the way Michael Anthony from Van Halen

would fake drink Jack Daniels on stage. I see what you're doing. Yeah, I'll put like iced tea in the kombucha bottle. Just because I'm not going to drink that shit. I was going to wear

like pants that were too tight just to like get myself uncomfortable. Is that like a haze-ism? Well, I was going to wear pants that were too tight just to get myself uncomfortable. Is that like a haze-ism? Well, I was just thinking it would help me feel more like haze. Okay. Just put some – Too tight pants.

Blood being in the head is good rather than anywhere else. He's known for his too tight pants. Now, why am I giving you tips? It's actually really helpful if you have any more listening. Hey, guys. Not if. When this thing hits, we're all rich. You guys might want to play ball on this.

Oh, yeah. Is that true? Because nobody came to us about any options. Oh, no. I mean Earwolf is rich. Oh, okay. So the royal we. I'll be rich.

Julie will be rich. Earwolf. Earwolf will be rich. Uh-huh. You guys are going to be like, do you know who Kenny Kramer is? Do you know who that is? The real Kramer. Oh, I do.

Yeah. Give me up, Jerry. You guys will be doing like the real Hollywood handbook tour. Of the studio. Yeah. And you'll just be like taking. There's the computer. You take people on a bus ride all around.

It's just like hey this is where they shot the this is where they shot the movie i'm amazed that kenny kramer got away with it when you know all those times michael richard saying all that funny stuff and like and then everyone's like oh it's kenny kramer who's like the original funny person yeah so he didn't get credit for the and then he says this other thing and everyone's like, oh, now it's you when he was, he's just doing

Kenny Kramer. That was a good run. You should... He's just doing... His Kenny Kramer run. He's just doing Kenny Kramer. He was just doing

Kenny Kramer. He was just... So what happens? Do we continue to do this show? Yeah, where do we go? Who are you talking to? We're not here.

We're not here. But you've responded every other time I've spoken. Have we? I don't think so. Hayes, I'm getting scared. Hayes. I'm wondering if they actually are not here. Where do we go?

Like, do we go away when they be us? Because normally it's just us and a guest, you know, and now if that. Right. Yeah. And now there's other people here, but they say they aren't here. Yeah. And when we try to talk to them, they say, who are you talking to? Like there's nobody there.

Yeah. It's a paralyzingly scary situation have you guys ever thrown up in a haunted house i don't want tom to be me yeah i've thrown up a bunch of times hayes i don't want tom to be me because i'm trying to i am being me and if tom's being me then i don't know who to be here's what here't be Tom. Here's what is making me so scared. Here's why I'm sad right now. I do want Julie to be me. I'm emotional, so I'm going to talk like the way I'm emotional.

I like this. Yeah. I like when somebody else gets to be me instead of me. You're doing him now, right? I don't want to be me anymore. Okay, then I'll be showing back to that. This is more comfortable. Okay, then I'll go, that's nice.

I guess maybe the soda pops. I like the Diet Pepsis and the Coke Zero, maybe. But what you're saying is that... Hold on. What you're saying is... There it is. What you're saying is... Lower.

Is... There, okay. You hate juice so if it's not so much a juice but it's so if you're being me and it's the um who friggin engineer got a jag off all the time about that when you're doing that how come that doesn't happen when i'm just being me that when you're doing that. How come that doesn't happen when I'm just being me? He can't lift his pinky while he does it anymore. Do you know why?

I cut it off. Oh, no. Mean haze. Well, okay, so... With a scissors. Oh, no. With a scissors. Oh, boy. Guys. Want to hear the title?

The one you didn't text me back. Oh, yeah. I wanted to wait for this. What is it the title of? A Hazy Shaun of Wolfpack. Okay. And Tom didn't respond to that text. It's Hollywood Handbook.

And I'm not sure I would either. Colon, the movie. Colon, the movie. Colon. A Hazy Shaun of Wolf-ter. We'll make it. You're not in. I the movie. Colon. Hazy Sean of Wolfter. We'll make it. You're not in. I'm the title person.

And does that have like an origin reference? Hazy Sean. Is that tethered to any idea whatsoever or it just sort of exists loosely on its own? It's off of Hazy Shade of Winter. And that's not anything anybody knows? Well, my band covers that song. Uh-oh. The Funny Honeys. I'm still trying to get my head around Tom's involvement

in this thing at all. Why Adam Sachs would work with somebody like him? Adam Sachs knows a lot of big superstars. I'm starting to wonder if it has something to do with the other day when Adam Sachs came in the office, you remember this? And he was like, guys, I'm so excited. My long-lost brother when Adam Sias came in the office, you remember this? And he was like, guys, I'm so excited. My long lost brother appeared and he wants to be my brother again.

Oh, right. That's right. He had traveled on the rails. Yeah. From some coastal town. And he thought that his brother had died when he was a baby. Mm-hmm. Scarlet fever.

Yes. But now it turns out his brother's alive and traveled to see him. And we encouraged him to ask some questions about their childhood, just like the neighbor's house, more details. And he said, no need. I know this guy's my brother. I can see it in his eyes. It's not called show friendship, assholes.

It's called show brothers. You play whatever angle you got to play on this thing. And I win it a goddamn inch at a time. The inches we need are all around us. I remember frigging Al Pacino was doing that hoo-ah sound. That's acting, baby. So, what's the best kind of chewing gum?

So they are doing the show now. Let's let them be. Let's not talk. Well, now we would have to do it with a guest, so I guess it's Josh. I feel like they're talking about the show. Because you wouldn't ask me that question. It's like the wind's den.

I know you know. Josh, what's the best kind of chewing gum? You better get it right. It's the one with the zebra. Oh, Fruit Strike? Fruit Strike. Well, that one is childhood for the win, and it is epic.

Mm-hmm. And hey, that's one of the gums only a 90s kid will understand. epic. Retro. That's one of the gums only a 90s kid will understand. And a bubble wishes. My homepage. Yipes, stripes. I think I want to play Josh also. That's fine.

I trust you. But that's actually not the right answer. It's spree because it's both candy and gum. I trust you. I don't really think it's spree because it's both candy and gum. I trust you. I don't really think it's spree. It becomes chewable. You can chew it at the end. I don't know.

That's right. You have to figure out who's going to break it to Jonah Ray that you're playing both parts. I like the one with the zebra on it. That sounded like me. Yeah, that sounded like a haze. I think we need to maybe just do like a quick workshop with an acting teacher

okay yeah that was a little too close to the haze zone Julie this is why people don't work with Tom he's gonna straight up clumps this motherfucker I know you're the

before you know it he will clumps it he will clumps this project he clumps everything he touches did you hear like instantly as soon as he heard another voice, he said, I want to be that as well.

Tom gets excited. He's exposed to the world, and his curiosity is enormous. Look, I like to play. That's all it comes down to, guys. I like to play. Fine, I won't play Josh. I'll just focus that much more on playing Sean. So now who's going to be Josh?

Yeah, we need a Josh for one thing. You know Tom was originally in Trump vs. Bernie, but he tried to make it Klumps vs. Bernie, and then it was just Klumps vs. Klumps. So now, you know, that show would have tanked instead of being frigging rocket ship. I will say this. If we're going to go into ancient history,

I used to EP on bajillion dollar properties, but this is not about what happened yesterday. Do you know what I mean? And those wounds will heal. Those wounds will heal in time. Oh, my. You remember that when I hurt that girl? Mm-hmm.

Yeah. Can I. Message received. Yeah. She's not going to speak back to me anymore. Can I be Josh? Oh, you want to audition for the first time? That's an interesting idea.

You can't beat him. Yeah, kind of like in Starsky and Hutch when they threw those two original losers that played Starsky and Hutch apart where they're like, hey! When they're shoveling shit. And they're just like, hey, you guys like to eat manure?

And then Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson're just like, hey, you guys like to eat manure? And then like Ben Stiller and Owen Wilster are just like, whatever, you old assholes. And then like walked, but then they froze on him for a second. They're like, wait, those are the original Starsky and Hutch. Yeah, that was fun. So we should, we'll give them like a thing like that. We could potentially be an Easter egg of some kind. It was like that in Tannenbaum's too. Yeah.

The original. The real Tannenbaum's were in it. The original Tannenbaum's too. Yeah. The original. The real Tannenbaum's were in it. The original Tannenbaum's were in it. Okay. We'll throw you guys a cameo. I could be Richard Grieco in the new 21 Jump Street. Oh, that was fun. Where people are like.

Isn't that fun? Oh, that's Johnny Depp and that other guy must be the other person who was in 21 Jump Street. It's the EP of Gigolos. What if we give Sean... Sean didn't ask for anything, just so you know. Sean's not hearing this. Right, okay.

What if we give him the... What if he plays Pauly Shore in this thing? Right? Right, we put him in the wig. Right? Put him... Wrap a couple scarves around him.

Have him go like Wheezing with the juice. Can you say, Sean? Sean, would you mind just saying wheezing with the juice three times? First time, kind of tight. Second time, just a little looser. Just give me three of them?

Just give me three of them in a row? Just just go nuts. Do I just rip off three of them? Just give me three of them in a row. Go nuts with the third one. Three in a row, please. Just three quick. Okay. Weezing with the juice. Weezing with the juice. Oh, wheezing with the juice.

That's not a good idea. That was not a good idea. What happens in the movie? In the movie. Sean and Hayes make love in the second act. And the rest of the movie is dealing with it. Oh, there's lots to go. You mean where do we go from here?

Sort of a D-Train model. We're D-Training this one? What does that mean? Sundance sensation to detrain? I'm afraid I'm not familiar. Two men make love? Oh, yeah. You're in for a story point. But it's not two men.

That's the thing. Because it's a Paul Feig reboot, it's a heterosexual situation. Oh. But it's a gay dude and a funny honey. I mean, that's sort of similar. I feel like I don't want to give away anything else about Sean's gayness. There's more to it?

Yeah. It doesn't seem like something that would be layered. A little bit. You know what that's from? Analyze this. A little bit. A little bit. A little bit. A little bit. Kind of disrespectful Little bit. Little bit.

Hoo-wah. Kind of disrespectful to bring up, analyze this in this studio. Why is that? Because there was a podcast that was hosted here. It was based on that name and it was fish. And so we tried not to. You don't know the rules when you come in. We don't make fun of that.

We just do a nice podcast Hey I was out of the room for a minute What were you guys talking about for the last 90 seconds We were talking about trying to do a nice Funny podcast with our friends Nothing at all I'm fine with a love scene I'm ready to talk about the rest of it I missed the last 90 seconds what you guys were goofing around about.

Sometimes I take my pants off so my partner will have a little sweet surprise. Is this haze? Are you doing haze right now? No, this is just Julie. No, my pants are too tight. Because I've done some love scenes on my show. Yes. Yeah.

I think I know why Julie's working with Tom. I just figured it out. You figured it out? Yeah. I know what happened. What? Let's just say somebody closed a lot of doors for Julie recently. Is this like Stephen Sondheim opening doors for Merrily We Roll Along?

Mm-mm. Do you really want to be next? I don't know what he's talking about. I don't know what he's talking about either. I do, but I'm going to make Sean say it. Shut up. Like noises off? Sean, shut up.

Shut up. Shut up. Okay. Shut up. Okay. When you say okay, that's not shutting up. Shut up. Okay, I'm shutting up. Okay. Shut up. Okay. When you say okay, that's not shutting up. Shut up. Okay, I'm shutting up now.

Shut up. Okay, I'm shutting up now. You shut up. Okay, I shut up just now. You shut up. I just did. Shut up. What did Sean mean?

You shut up. I can't say it. It has to be. You shut up. Sean has to be the one to explain it. I don't want to take that away from him. But he can't because Tom wants him to shut up. You shut up Sean has to be the one to explain it I don't want to take that away from him But he can't because Tom wants him to shut up You shut up

He's suggesting You shut up That somebody Forced your career to a place Where now you have to work with Tom Is that correct? Yes What's the door?

You shut up All other showbiz doors were closed for you You shut up And who was that person? You shut up. I'm saying you felt the sting of someone whose name starts with a Z, who we do not mention. But she was able to, at the highest levels of Hollywood,

basically corral you so that you had only one career option, which is certain doom. You shut up. You shut your mouth right now. Okay. Oh, no, he's being me saying okay about it. I'll shut up. Oh, no, he can make me agree to shutting up,

even if I don't want to be silenced. I'll shut up if you put a nice chips ahoy in my mouth, maybe. Oh, God, there's no way to distinguish whether that's really me doing that. Do I like Hydrox or Oreo more? Hey, Zoe, I never knew the power of letting them become us. Now they can make us do anything they want. I think I might punch myself in the face for a while. Oh, no, ow, that would hurt.

Do it. I think you should put on a glove with lots of spikes on the knuckles. Oh, no. Ow, that would hurt. Get yourself good and bloody. Make the blood. Put the blood on my. Put the blood on. Put the blood on me.

Oh, no, don't. Put the blood on me. Put the blood on me. Put it. Put the blood on me. Put the blood on me. Put the blood on me. Well, we can't not write a musical when we're with you, Julie. Put the blood on me. Put the blood on me. Put the blood on me. Put the blood on me. Well, we can't not write a musical when we're with you, Julie.

Put the blood on me. And what, you know, who knows who's saying that? Seems like a rich area. Barry White. Put the blood on me. Yeah, it's way down there. You know what's funner? Period bloopers. Is there any other kind?

Yes. Hey, Hayes. Yes? Do I like vanilla? Well. Or chocolate more. I never realized how food focused I am. I didn't.

It's right, but I just didn't know. I was thinking we could go to Staples and get an exacto plate. Hayes, I have a plan. Put it in your mouth and then put your fingers in your mouth. Hayes, if you become Tom and I become Julie, then we can play ourselves in the movie

by being them while they play us. Put some blood on me. Let me try. Chew the fingers with the blade and Put some blood on me. Let me try. Chew the fingers with the blade and put the blood on me. I used to send fake period bloopers into YM

magazine. Hey, it's me, Tom. Oh, shit. He got you. He got you. Yeah, who's this? Oh, no. He's got me. I thought it was like... I thought it was my own... You know how the voice in your head sounds a little different? Yeah. Yeah.

I felt like it was in my head. He's got you and he's got me. Oh, yeah. I know what that's like. How was your week? Oh, my God. Let me tell you something. Nobody out there is doing this.

Nobody out there is holding a candle to the kind of thing I'm doing on this show. He's really doing a good job with me. Yeah, John. None of these other guys out here, none of these guys even sniff my jock. I agree. I've never said that. I've never said sniff my jock. But other than that, he's 100% locked in.

Everything Sean is doing is pretty dead on. I'm a little spooked out by this. It's almost like an SNL audition. A little spooked out by this. It's almost like an SNL audition. So now we can go to Adam Sachs as them and get the rights to our show back. Yeah. We finally found a way out of this maze.

That seems like a good resolution to me. Mm-hmm. Adam Sachs is the minotaur at the center. So what a great story we've told. I'm not sure what just happened. You guys know. Josh, are you going to take any pictures for this? I think they just threatened. The Josh factor has really been hovering over this whole thing.

Josh hangs over this. Do you not have a camera? They basically threatened to go to their mommy and say, oh, we want to show too. Oh, it's me. Josh got infected at some point

and thought he was Sean. So that's the only loose end here. Everyone else is back to normal. You know what the best part is? If Hayes is me,

he's radioactive Yeah He's radioactive He's in radio jail? Yeah, he's in podcast jail No, by radioactive it's like I'm active in radio I guess I'm not sure about the difference I guess I don't know the difference between the two terms He's now stuck with my stuff I'm now you, Julie.

How is that possible? I think because Hayes became. I thought Sean was me. If Sean is you, then I'm Hayes. Julie, don't say you weren't Ward. We told you he was going to clump you. And that's what he's done. You got clumped.

You've been clumped. And he's now you, me, Hayes, and himself. Yes. And unfortunately, he's also Josh. Julie, don't do that. And Jude's taking a photo. I know sometimes you're mad about that. I don't even know where to look.

And I am all of you guys. And I would also say, since there will be apparently a photo, you did mention when I became you that it might be almost an SNL audition. I do have a new character for Lauren. What's that? Since I have this mustache right now. It's hipster Jeff Foxworthy. Let's go.

What are you doing with your hands? Why are you doing that? I'm getting into it. What are you pretending to pitch a ball into the air? No, I'm just queuing it up. I'm hitting the light on. You're telling the tech booth to hit the... If you... Oh, he's directing the pitch of his voice.

If you go jogging around the reservoir in Silver Lake, you might be a hashtag redneck. Oh, redneck. Interesting. Interesting. The hipster stuff is really good right now. To talk about it. Follow me on Snapchat. Marcy Klein.

Marcy Klein. Yeah. If he's hipster... Jeff Foxworthyster Jeff Foxworthy, I'm Sean again? I think I'm John Daly. You're John Daly? Yeah. The golfer or the comedian? Exactly.

That's the hook. Bye. Bye. Hollywood Handbook is brought to you by Wolf Cool Productions, a subsidiary of Calvin and Hobbes. Ow, baby.