Hollywood Handbook - Friends, Our Close Friends

Episode Date: February 1, 2016

Hayes is still in New York. Sean does the show alone with Brett.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. So, Brett, so I'm driving the Uber just to sort of see what it's like. Is this a good fit for me? Then I pick up the time to make the donuts guy and we we're shooting the shit and uh i just start crying and there's no windshield wipers for your eyes and uh so i'm losing it crying and he goes well what's wrong and i said i think i just kind of miss my friend, you know, uh, you're talking about me, Hayes. Oh, and, uh, and he actually asked you mean engineer Brett and I made it pretty clear that I didn't. And, uh, so then I was thinking like, could you invite windshield wipers for

your eyes? I know your eyelids can kind of blink stuff out, but it's not the same as sort of scrubbing across. Right. And I, um, was like, Hayes would be can kind of blink stuff out, but it's not the same as sort of scrubbing across. Right. And I was like, Hayes would be the kind of guy who would know, you know, why that would work or wouldn't. Some of the guys at the gas stations will squeegee for you. I don't need this from you. But I am in the studio. You know, I just said, I just dropped him off wherever I was.

I canceled it. I turned the app off and I just got to the studio, you know, I just said, I just dropped him off wherever I was. I canceled it. I turned the app off and I just got to the studio and was like, I just want to be here to feel what it's like to be around him. And it's even harder because I just haven't seen him. Yeah. It's been a long time. Yeah. What's it been? And even just telling that story now just sucked.

Like you're so bad at hearing a story. Like it just fucking sucked. Yeah. I can't say it was that good. I mean, but he would know how to make it good because he helps with it. Can you just call him? Can you call him?

Yeah, I can get him on the phone. Would you, you want to talk to him? Yeah. Okay. Let me, let me dial him up

you're not always recording our conversations are you i'd like to keep it rolling you can edit you can always tell me if you want to edit it out you never tell me that i don't want to talk to you unless i'm like have to hello hi hey so i was driving this uber you know to see what yeah yeah um i'm in a meeting is this important oh because i can everyone's here but i can like oh no are you just gonna tell a story oh if you're yeah no i guess if you're in a meeting you're in a meeting i don't uh no i just like i tell me, like, is it something important? It's just... No, it's not more important than your meeting.

I mean, it's... Okay. I didn't realize you were... I'm going to go back in unless there's something important that you want to say. Okay, I'll save the story or I'll tell it to Brett again. Hey, it's Brett. Hey, Brett. I'm just here with Brett Brett I was telling him a story

And I was saying that I missed you And maybe I told it to you What was that? I'm just here with Brett And I was telling him a story I was saying that I missed you And that I That I missed having you

Guys can you just Can you clear out of here for a second Oh Hayes I don't want you to guys can you just can you clear out of here for a second oh Hayes I don't want this to be a big no no no let's keep talking we'll you know we'll start this up again in a few I just have to take this

you just I know and I know you have so many big meetings but you've just been in New York for so long. And I feel like either my stories are getting worse or Brett's just such a bad listener. And I just missed you and I wanted to talk to you and see if you could find something in this story. No, I'm glad you said this. Went to wipers for your eyes as part of it. Oh, well, that's interesting because we have eyelids but they only go one way

yeah so it would be like inventing eyelids that could go like i believe a fish yeah they close in from the side goes in from the side yeah and make funny noise oh what would that noise be? No, I miss hearing stories, too. Brett, do you hear that? Yeah. And this is, like, I've really missed this as well. And it's, like, so nice to hear you say that because it's so, like, it's so dirty here. It smells terrible. Well, when are you coming home?

It's dark. I don't know. I mean, like, people are coming in here for meetings just, like, constantly, it seems like. And it's just, like, this never-ending cycle of people. Just isn't the weather there? Like, it's always wet. It's just miserable over there. I mean, do you want to come home?

Yeah, I mean, I would love to come home. But, you know, it just feels like i'm stuck here for a little while i don't know when this is going to be over and it's just like hang on what start talking again i was saying it just feels like i'm stuck here i don't know when hang on i'm gonna take my headphones off okay do you hear something talk talk again haze yeah this I can hear him without my headphones. I can hear him through this wall. That doesn't make sense, audio-wise. What's on the other side of this wall?

It's just the earwove. The ladies' room is over there, right? Yeah. It's just the women's bathroom. Wait, Hayes, speak again? Yeah, this is Hayes. I'm calling from New York. Wait, don't talk into the phone.

Hang the phone up and just start talking. Okay. Hello, this is Hayes. I'm talking from New York. I can hear him. He's right. He's in the ladies room. I can hear him too. Hayes, walk out of New York, take a left

down the hallway, and then come in through the door. Oh. Hey. Hey. You were there? Oh.

Have you been in the women's restroom of the for like four months? That's what that room is. Yeah. Yeah.

Okay. I thought, so I went in there. Is his mic on, Brett? Can you guys hear me? Okay. Okay. I went in there, I don't even, like 15 weeks ago or something like that. Yeah.

there i don't even like 15 weeks ago or something like that yeah um and there was pizza in there sure and so i thought this must be new york yeah well famous new york pizza i must be here on business yeah of course and people are constantly coming in for meetings. Yeah. Women in pencil skirts. Mm-hmm. And so I guess I thought, I guess I thought I had taken a trip to New York. I see. Well, that's happened to all of us at some time or other. But it's so great that you're here. Yeah.

No, this is, this is good. It does make me wonder. It feels like a little bit of wasted time that you were just in the ladies room for 15 or 16 weeks yeah but i had people like tom sharplig was in there a lot that's true and gethard was in and he would come in tom would come in and say like i'd say Tom, so good to see you here. What are you doing here?

And he'd be like, oh, I'm here like to, we're going to do a podcast together, right? Oh, that's right. Yeah. That makes sense. Cause he sat down for a long time and did a podcast with you and. Right. Cause he was putting a microphone. And he always sounded a little distracted.

He came in with microphones that I would see him start to put into the ceiling uh-huh but then he was like oh these are just for us to record our podcast and i could hear that a lot of photos were being taken during those podcasts but they weren't released like usually there's a lot of photos that go with our episodes no they would just take some stock photo from the internet yeah i wondered about that too where then it was because there's camera clicking all the time and was that also in the ceiling looking down there was a sort of an infrared beam that if you crossed it the they would take a picture because he was like oh you know we don't have an engineer here to do it and he was very invested in pretending it was new york as well yeah i i honestly feel like a big part of why i thought it was new york

uh is is is tom coming in with microphones and making cameras and now and like taxi cab sounds horns honking and things like that i now think might have been an effect that he was doing with his mouth right and he would keep saying he saw pizza rat as well and i would never be able to see him he would always be gone by you just miss pizza rat oh you just miss pizza right yeah yeah i'd be very excited to see pizza right because i'd heard so much about how funny it was yeah yeah that was a sensation and will surely launch into a whole other it has there's got a bright future for pizza wrap but it was here um this is great though i'm so happy to i'm happy to be back doing the show well i mean i'm here obviously after hours in the studio just because i was sad and i yeah and i came here to be alone really brett i think lives here but we um i mean as long as we're here late at night do you want to do like a lock-in like sleep

a sleepover that's exactly what i was thinking actually yeah like a night of the museum oh god yeah uh with the um uh cowboy you know yes and they're fighting and he has to teach them to be friends but it'll be like that or just like or like in that it's nighttime and he likes the girl cleopatra um no which girl the one who work there maybe or is friends or is a teacher carla carla guajito she's the teacher that's his friend okay he hopes there's more okay i didn't see that part because it was on a plane and they cut out some of the cleopatra maybe teach him how to be brave with women okay strong assertive woman teach you how to be brave that's interesting when because when they censor the parts with the actual potential girlfriend relationship, all you get on the plane is someone saying, like, here she comes, and then it cuts to

a different thing. Yeah, and then it's just like a dinosaur. I call him Rex. So, yeah, I mean, I would love to do a lock-in. There's all kinds of... Yeah., there's like we have blankets. Lock-in closet. We can use the sound. Did you hear the word play?

Lock-in closet, like a walk-in closet. Or like a lock-in freezer. Yes, I do. Like walk-in. I do hear it. And what if you did a Christopher lock-in? Christopher lock-in. Wait, are you saying that like you said it first?

Locken in a winter wonderland. Christopher Locken in a winter wonderland closet. I mean, I think we found it and we've got our next t-shirt. I can't wait to see that. It's so great that we're just together for such a short time and we're already coming up with a good new t-shirt. Falling right into our old patterns and, you know, being molded in the image of Scott Anchorman to be able to twist these words into a new thing. Brett, do you think Scott would mind if we took the soundproofing blankets off the wall and we use them as sleeping blanket. Real blanket and wrap up in it and just make a little burrito.

And we'll put them back. We'll put them back. And I'd like to tuck Hayes in like he's a little burrito. I think that should be okay. I mean, you guys, you know, I'm a lead engineer. That's kind of my call. It's not Scott's call. Holy shit, man.

You're pulling rank on Scott? I mean, how would the anchorman feel about that? I mean, these are, you know, I set up these blankets. I don't think he would be aware that they have been taken down, used as swaddle, used as... So you're okay with it, but you want us to know that it's your decision? Yes. And that Scott wouldn't be allowed to be mad

if you took the blankets out of his company. I just want you to, you know, I just felt like a little dismissed in that request. Like, I have no fucking say about the blankets. Would Eugenia Scripps be mad? Would Herbert Walker Scripps or any of the Scripps heirs? Yeah, are you willing to roll up that far

and yeah who else are you willing to piss on right now it goes to the top I'll go to Scripps I'll show them these blankets I mean that's why they bought this company the youngest even the youngest Scripps child who's a notorious

wild card Portlandia Scripps bought this company the youngest we didn't buy even the youngest child who's a notorious wild card portlandia scripts brett because what i'm asking is who's paying for the thumbtacks that you use to keep these blankets from falling down these clear thumbtacks which i will say create the effect of invisibility i know that's what you're going for. Right. Using these clear thumbtacks. It's as if there's nothing there at all and the blankets are hanging of their own accord. If there were silver thumbtacks up there,

which I have seen, or pushpins or whatever, I would say, okay, I believe Brett that this is his call because those are totally replaceable. You can get those at any Staples. But obviously these clear ones are special order. They're probably only available to maybe Houdini's family

and some other great illusion masters. Copperfield, Blaine, Amazing Jonathan. Because you could cover the Statue of Liberty with that. The mind freak, Criss Angel. And make it disappear. Yes. And you could put blankets on that. Should I respond to that?

Well, I'm just saying. Thank you for asking. You're not going to be able to. I'm going to say no. No. It's not really for you. It's for us and our audience. Because they paid for the clear thumbtacks, but I did the little roll of tape behind the sound blanket to put it up.

So that even the corner holds flush. Right. Oh, so you managed to create something of an Ouroboros of tape that's nothing but sticky. Mobius. Tape snake eating its own tail. Yep. So what I'm trying to say is, take the blankets down but is that the american medical association to oroboros it is a snake yeah but it still has a tail so it must have

been before it thought it's is it oroboros or is it oriboros is that jb's move no and this is fine that we you know we haven't seen each other for a while so yeah we're gonna miss each other sometimes okay we're gonna it sounds a little like your old your old jb smooth but maybe you've abandoned that i'm gonna come sit over here now and having him next to me and i do you feel the electricity sort of standing in the in the doorway yeah it was weird the two of you were just facing each other from across the room. For quite some time. Standing in different corners.

There's just like a little bit of, I don't know, I could feel a little bit of warming up that had to be. Yeah, and you can't just leap right in. I mean, I hate to use this sort of analogy, but you do need a little foreplay, and it does soften some things and harden others so that they can meet don't and i wouldn't shy away from that analogy at all i mean like because before we sort of begin this process if it is too dry it will hurt everyone yeah and. And so, and so that, you know, I think it's good to take our time.

Yeah. So now you guys are sitting, you just sat right next to Sean. Right. You guys are back to it. Yeah. And I'm metaphorically, I'm comedically getting boned out.

It's getting stronger. Now, do you want me to place the blanket now over you two? Or is it not to that point yet? I wonder if we can use these thumbtacks to make it into like a little roll, like a little burrito, so we can be sort of like two caterpillars. And then we're like in our pupusa. You know what I mean?

Yeah. Yeah. We're in our pupusa ready to emerge do you want individual pupusas or do you want to be in one wrap i think one big one where we're where our feet are kind of touching okay yeah touching pupusas and now bright you can so like it's a do you know what a pupusas. And now, Brett, you can... Do you know what a pupusa is? It's like a crystallist.

I thought it was like an Argentinian food. It's like a crystallist. Okay. Yeah. It sounds like poo-poo. Brett. Okay, I can't be mad. I can't.

I can't be mad. I can't. I can't be mad. I was mad for a minute. Oh, I wanted to be mad. But then I thought about it, and it does sound like poo-poo. Well, and that's why I can't be mad, Hayes. So, we're here for a slumber party, and we're all cuddled in, and I'm back with my friend. And Brett, can you just go outside because i i want us to be able to talk about whatever we want yeah and it's not as fun

with you here just watching yes and i want that kind of freedom like supervising us because i want us to be able to talk and just hang out and just say anything even if it's outrageous yeah what if i just sort of turned around? Because I have to monitor the recording. You can go look out. You know your little perch that you use to look out the window? Why don't you climb up on your little perch? Oh, yeah.

I'll go there. Oh, look at him scurry up. So, speaking of I was saying we might want to say something outrageous. Did you see that Jim and the Holograms movie? Yeah, I did, somehow. Well, it was on Tom's phone. Here's what I like about it. At first, she's trying to be a rock star, but she has this very boring, generic name, Jerrica.

And they realize that if you really want to be famous you need something remarkable like gem yeah and she what she does on her face she paints like a lightning bolt on her face to basically become this completely new from like this boring jerica i mean how many jericas did you know growing up what a snooze you're never gonna be famous with that there's too many of them it's like like, oh, hey, I'm Jerika. It's like, Jerika who? Because I can't keep anymore of my name in my name bank in my head. And it makes me sad. In my brain.

It makes me sad, Sean, to think that you have had this idea in your head for so long. About the Gem of the Holograms movie. Because this movie came out a long time ago. Yeah. And it makes me feel like I didn't really fully understand the ramifications of me being God until now.

Which is you must have a tremendous There's a treasure trove of just really great sharp observations about what movies is doing right. And who am I going to tell? Yeah. Dom. Great sharp observations about what movies is doing right. And who am I going to tell? Yeah. Dom.

Imagine if Dom heard that. Who am I going to tell? Andrew T. Neither of those guys would know what side of that to be on. What side of that observation. Of course not. And who are you going to tell? Tom Sharpling? Notorious pervert?

Tom hearing about this idea of a girl in general, you know. Yeah. Oh, yeah. He wouldn't be distracted on the name. He'd be like, well, how big are her cans? Or is she going to the bathroom anytime soon? And if so, where? And how much time do I have to get in there first?

And that's what he really would ask. Yeah, he would ask that. And I like the guy. Yeah. I got a lot of respect for him. Sweet guy. Whereas with me, I'm here, I'm adding this lightning bolt thing,

which is carrying the observation onto the next plane. And it makes me sad and sorry that these things have just had to fester in your brain all this time. And unfortunately, Tom would only know about the lightning bolt, which I needed to get me into the next level. He would only know about it if it was painted on her papusa. You know what I mean?

Brett. Brett, are you eavesdropping out there? Brett. Get in your bird perch. And look at the city. His head is following

the lights of the cars going by. And he's sort of pawing at the window like um like it's a bug that he can catch it's nice in here yeah it is now and it's like it's it's fun to be here after dark and uh you and think about some of the stories that people like Jeff Garlin and Harmar Superstar have told in here. And you think about all the stories that this room has to tell. And we're part of that story. Yeah. For better or worse i love that i mean just like being able this um traditional blanket it's like a story told in a blanket

wow i did something right i guess and honestly when you think about what these what these sound blankets do um they absorb all the sound and then it you, you know, where does it go? It must kind of like stay in there. You know what I mean? Yeah. So they must still be in these blankets. Yeah, you can almost hear Drew Droege if you put your ear up close enough to the sort of quilting of the blanket.

And who's this? It's the guy who was the troubadour on the Gilmore Girls who had that sort of sound music-y one for a little while. What's his name, Brett? Brett! Yeah, I'm here. Who's that guy that you liked? That was due to the music show. Oh, Grant Buckerfield or something.

Grant Buffalo. Grant Lee Buffalo. Buffalo, Buffalo, Lee. Grant Lee Buffalo. Grant Lee Buffalo. Yeah, you can almost hear the... Shortwave radio. You're done.

Get back out there. His drums are still in here, huh? Yeah, they've just been sitting here. He's never picked them up. That's an unsounding drum. That's the sound of the drum make? I don't know. Wait, try it again.

Make it a drum. No, no, no. Make it a drum, Brett. It thinks it's the keyboard. Well, it thinks it's the keyboard, which thinks it's saxophone. I want it to be a drum. Okay. Try it. What, am I going to blow into the saxophone. I want it to be a drum. Okay.

Try it. What, am I going to blow into the saxophone? Try again. Try again. There it is. Wow, that ruled. Yeah, not as fun as I thought. Maybe that's why the show didn't take.

Yeah, and it's not a statement on the show. Not everything really just takes off right away like what we did i will say the um i've never noticed it in here until the lights are off but the stars that scott put on the ceiling are really nice and they're in real consolation yeah i mean he did his homework yeah they're a lot of fun there's orion's belt and it's sort of slipping down and revealing some of orion's parts there's uh cygnus the swat and he's sort of moving towards orion he looks like he yeah he might be trying to bite Orion's parts. He thinks it's a piece of bread, which it does look like.

Yeah, like a baguette. There's that crab one. Brett. Brett. Please take to your perch. And I wonder if we have to put his little loop on. His little foot loop. Oh.

I feel bad doing it. The little leather strap. Or, okay, how about these? The little flaps over his eyes that make him think it's nighttime, which it is. Yeah, that could be helpful. When you first said little loop,

I thought like his jeweler's loop, and I thought that's not helpful. But a lot of times when you come in... i don't want him to see he's looking at legos through a jeweler's loop like he's investigating and nodding and saying like oh yes yes fine specimen very nice yes this one and then he just throws it in the bucket with the others and i don't really know what he thinks he's figuring out well that i am curious about what are you gonna do with all those yeah what is the deal with legos and what are you looking for like what's making you so happy when you find a good one because sometimes they go in like a bad pile yes that's true but i

say they always half of them go in the bucket i guess and then some of them get like dismissed and you have to like burn them or something but to me they look the same yeah well wait hang on let me take your little let me take your little things off So I'm looking for any slight defects or miscolorations. Miscolorations? Yes. So you don't know either. Well, if you look very closely. So you'll look at one.

You don't know what you'll find. That's red, and you'll decide that it's supposed to be blue or something? Well, yeah, you feel it in your hand first. You smell it. You look very closely, and then you see this really is supposed to be blue. Okay, and that makes it valuable to you. Right, it's an error. It's like the upside-down planes stamps. And do you know what that is's an error. It's like the upside down planes stamps.

And do you know what that is? Do you really know about that stamp? Yeah. But do you really know about it? Do you actually know about the stamp? I'm not sure what you're getting at. You're bringing it up, but do you actually know what it is? bringing it up but do you actually know what it is like is this like when you um kept saying uh that something was like um uh what's the movie where it's all different perspectives identity

no no no that oh that's so it's all one guy oh shit i wasn't supposed to say that oh no um oh and it's in his brain uh rorschach or something this is a movie where what it's all you're seeing it from different people perspectives it's you're seeing it this my version are you trying to go or scratch from watchman rorschach from watchman i think is maybe part hemen, I think, is maybe part of it. He's maybe in it. What is it? And it's like, I'm telling it my way. I think Community did a version of it. Oh.

Russian Man? Russian Man. So it's Russian Man. Is this like when you were going, like, this is like a Russian Man thing, and you could bring it up in the way you could bring up the stamp, but you didn't really know what you were saying. Yeah. Maybe you guys are good. I just got to say, you guys are back. It's good to have you guys back. You felt like that was,

that was a rich moment. Serious sparks fly. Do you ever see that where you're watching people have an exchange on the microphone? You're going, this should not be edited. This should exist as is. I take my hands off the mixing board and I just, I just like, and you just marvel. Yeah. I lean back and I just, I just watch you guys go that level of connection.

I will. Yeah. I'll say Andrew T. There's very few here who can get that get me in that position okay go out again because i do want us to be able to talk about whatever we want okay okay i have a question yeah which scar brother if you like wanted one and i'm not not saying to be boyfriends with or anything. No, I know. But to just be able to hang out with one-on-one.

Which one do you think would just be a better hang? Just a more fun hang? You're going to make me pick. Yeah. Well, they're both funny. They both know about sports. Yeah. They're both smart.

They're both cute. They're both would be a good dad, which is something I look for. I like that one of them is so nice when you just see him around the office. He always talks to me and stuff. Yeah. And I'm not saying he likes me me or anything but i do yeah no and i'm not saying that he's like into me like we have like a thing like i'm not that conceited so i think that like everybody like basically wants to you know just hop into a sleeping bag with me and uh bust the zippers open. But he's nice. He just seems like he... No, he's just a nice guy.

Yeah. And the kind of guy who you could see maybe would provide. But I sort of like that the other one is kind of like, I don't know if it's just, this is just like the kind of thing I like, but that the other one, you sort of have to like work harder for.

Yeah, he's like, it's not standoffish, but it's other one you sort of have to like work harder for. Yeah. He's like, it's not standoffish, but it's almost flirtier in a way that he won't talk to you. That he has something like really going on that you're like, I sort of want to find out, I want to get to the heart of that and maybe sort of be part of that. And that if you broke through that, maybe you'd have an even deeper connection with him.

And if he like feels that strongly and passionately about something, I sort of want that to be me. You know what I mean? Yeah. And I wonder about like the nice one. Am I always going to wonder like, oh, is he just like nice to everybody?

But with the other one. Yeah. Is that fake? And is it more authentic that the one is like, there's a darkness in him, but maybe I'm what could sort of be like the salve that he puts on that inner wound. And I'm not saying that my semen would be, you know, the liquid that would heal the wound because it's an inner wound, like because that would be going in him.

I'm not talking about it like that. I'm talking about like spiritually you know no i know no i know that you don't mean it like that yeah that's not how i'm saying it and it's just like to talk like you know like i don't think any of this is gonna actually happen it's just like you know it's just like fun to talk about, I guess. Fuck, marry, kill. Engineer Ryan. Engineer Sam. The one kid who's always at his desk when we come in. I know his name, but I accidentally called him Gabe once and I'm scared to say his name now.

His name is Josh. I know. Okay. And you're scared to say his name because you don't want him to think it was a mistake when you called him Gabe. And so it's like, that's like a nickname I have for him. Okay. So betray saying Josh would let him know that,

you know, it was a mistake in a way that you saying out loud that you made that mistake would not. Oh yeah. If he goes, cause like every time somebody says it's Josh, I go, I know. And then I go, gee. As if it means something. It's about being confident.

So, fuck, marry, kill. Engineer Ryan. Engineer Ryan. Engineer Sam. Engineer Sam. Josh. Josh. I like that Josh works so hard.

Because every time we come in here, he is always at his desk kind of facing the door. He's like the first guy because every time we come in here, he is always at his desk kind of facing the door. He's like the first guy we see when we come in. He's always really nice. I honestly feel like he would be nice to Mary

because I know... He doesn't face the door. He faces away. Dana faces the door. What? He's not facing the door, right, Brett? He's facing the other way. But he turns to look at us

when we come in. Oh, yeah. He hears the elevator open and he's just the absolute ultimate welcome committee. Fastest spinner in his chair. Yeah. He doesn't get his headphones all the way off, but he leans them off a little bit, and he goes, hey.

I almost think he'd be really nice to Mary. I could see that. Also, I know I'd have some time at home while he's still at work to just watch my shows and i don't own a tv but i call watching my shows making shadow puppets i have sort of shadow puppet theater that i do in my basement my home my dad's basement um now and uh anyway that's my show. Go ahead, Hayes. I would probably kill Engineer Ryan because I think that is what he would like.

It would make me feel like I was doing him a huge favor. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, he's asked me before. He's approached me and asked if I'd be willing to end him. Because he's always like, I just screw it up. If I try to do it,

I just screw it up. He has so low self-confidence that he thinks he'd do even that wrong. And he'd probably just live forever or something. That's what he always says. Yeah, and that's his fear. Yeah, so that's true. He would be relieved.

And so then you're doing the nasty with my cousin sam yeah because i i feel like you know he rides that motorcycle around and i know that the impression he's trying to create is that that's his big hog yeah you know they call it a hog and they call it a hog yes it's and that that's and it's got he's got a lot of power between his legs that's kind of what he wants you to be thinking and it's like i don't want it to be huge you know no but i mean you know it's a win-win for you because if he really is packing what he's saying he is then you get a true treat like a feast and then if he's not then you can show him what a real man be working with when you turn it around and give

him the other side right so uh you know i'm related to sam so So same same answer for obvious reasons but I do feel conflicted just about that aspect of it but it doesn't matter

if it's illegal because it wouldn't really happen and also it shouldn't be illegal to have homosexual incest because you're not going to create

anything because the reason for it is to stop you from having a kid. Yeah. It's the sort of chromosome overlap. And it's just the obvious answer because... Chromiozo.

Ryan wants to be dead so much. And Josh would be so nice to Mary. Yeah. Because he works so hard. Well, he's a hard worker. Imagine coming home every night and instead of just like coming to the office he's sitting there and he's spinning around in his chair and like you know kind of takes one headphone off one ear and he goes like hey baby yeah and he is

calling me baby yeah that's the right answer did you see see Billions? Oh, let me think. Oh, right, I did, because it's my new favorite show. Yeah, did I see Billions? You put Giamatti and Homeland in the same show, you got one set of peepers you could count on. The guy is very scary, almost, but he's like a rock star. You know what I mean? It's so cool to be like these guys who

are smart at math, doing genius, money changing. It's so badass. But also walking around like a rock star. Yeah. Kicking ass. Fucking. Telling people, hey, get out of here doing money having the rules be like not even really a

main concern for you if you even care about them at all which frankly as a rock star he seems to not but you know the rules and this is something that we can identify with. Oh, yeah. People think I don't know the rules. Because you say, because, and this is part of it. If you say, if you get caught breaking the rules, we say we didn't know the rules. That's something I say a lot. We say, oh. I never heard that. Were we supposed to?

Oh, that's the rules? Oh, okay. Well, next time. And then you do it again. is like what yeah and hopefully it's just not the same cop and even if it is i do this i go oh i thought you were kidding oh that's oh you're not supposed to you're not supposed to use the fire extinguisher to make it look like you're like shooting like like a big load sorry i didn't know yeah i go oh i thought you were kidding oh god i thought you were so funny before you're really saying the rules yeah and then you want them to be like no i was kidding you know i oh you like that yeah because you

flatter them yeah and then um i'm excited for vinyl uh vinyl i'm excited for i like the part where he goes because i saw the first one and i like the part where he's like it's the beginning and he's like when i got into this business it was about the music and then you hear the song like incense peppermints and it's like but then like he started then you see him do coke and he's like now it's more about something else that's the coke and he like you see him put his head down and do a just a chop just a big fat gorilla finger that he's taken to the dome you know chopped up a fucking monster whenever you do a bunch of coke like the camera's above you and you like look up and you're like yeah it's like really going it's like becoming a werewolf quite frankly and he's like made a big pile of cash but he doesn't know how to hear music

anymore but does the music change when he does the coke it's not incense peppermints at that point right yeah now it's like uh like corporate rock uh like um what's that band bachman turner overdrive yes speedo what that's what uh when you said bachman that's what i thought was bachman turner overdrive because when they're overdriving they're going so speedo yeah speedo so but when he's like walking down the street and he's like after a long night of coke and he like just signed a bad music and he's like what am i doing it's richie richie finastro don't believe in himself anymore and then he hears this this sound it's like kind of muffled, though. And he's like, what's this company that looks?

And he sees there's a light in the bottom of a Chinese restaurant. Well, it sounds like this guy's got an ear for this kind of thing, though. He would only need to hear a muffled version of the next big thing. And he's like, I gotta know what this is about. And he goes down the stairs, and it's getting louder. And it's a little scary. And he doesn't know. Is this Bobby Carnival? Yes,by carnival yeah yes he's back on hbo after the end of carnival uh and he gets to the band room and there are these guys on stage who are wearing

like a paper clip in their friggin nose and he's like trying to he's like you try to you gotta get that out of there but they're just like rocking out and they're being like we don't care about the president and he's like i gotta sign this band the nasty bits that's the name of the band The Nasty Bits. That's the name of the band. Oh, wow. So they actually don't even care if you think it sounds like freaking somebody's wiener piece. And they're actually saying,

tell me they're not really saying they don't care about the president. That's an exaggeration. Well, it's just a song. They're maybe saying they don't care about the vice president. It's just a song, and they are sort of play characters because it's in a TV show. I hate when people hide behind a character in their art because why don't you just say what you really mean?

Why do you want to take on some perspective that's not yours to make your statement? Because that's cowardice. And I'm out here, the real me, my name's Sean Clements, and saying what I believe. Who I'd fuck, who I'd marry, who I'd kill among the employees at Earwolf.

Just own it. Anyway, I'm very excited for vinyl. And I like the music. For me, Billions is better. I can't get no. Have you heard some of this stuff? Oh, gosh. Yeah, that sounds like a hell of a tune.

But for me, Billions is maybe better because I do know more about money than music. And I do think that there's a one line at the end. What? What's the point of having fuck you money if you don't get to say fuck you or something like that? And that to me was like, holy shit. this dude's a fucking rock star of math money jesus and paul giamatti's trying to make him follow the rules and you'll like this because it's like the band you described yeah paul giamatti's trying to make him follow the rules and he doesn't want to yeah i like that part where he's like, I want this guy to get out of that freaking wall!

Yeah, and then he's going like, saying something about having good principles. Yes, to his staff. And I feel like it's a show for me as like a man of a certain age, that they're still doing you know a show for the yeah you know you could say it old men old white men yes and that we do still have our show they haven't taken all of them away yes what's with this you know everyone's mad at us. What is that? I'm pissed. Hello?

It was happening in New York, too. I'm doing just what I'm supposed to be doing. Like, I'm just doing good stuff that I like. The same stuff we always did. Yes. And now it's bad. I totally, yes. I feel the exact same way.

It used to be great. People used to love it. Yes. People were really going like, that's good. And now people are going like, no. And it's frustrating. Because you don't know what to. I don't.

It's like, you know that feeling where you don't know what to do with your hands? Do I put them in my pockets? Do I cross my arms? It's like that. Behind my my back with making a movie now for that movie tv just speaking yeah everything i say is suddenly wrong because if i try to be the master of none it's now it's bad yes if i try to be the train wreck. Oh, all of a sudden, if I'm going to be the train wreck, I'm like a bad guy? All I'm doing is just, you know, having fun with my body. But I shouldn't even be saying this right now. It's just the kind of conversation that gets me in trouble.

Like if I, you know, I do a movie where I, you know, I work at the magazine and I take home a 16-year-old intern and we do it. Yeah, and smoke a cigarette. Now it's bad. Doesn't seem fair to me. I could do Leslie Jones' same material. Yes. Word for word. Word for word.

One word in particular. About how I make a good slave. Yes. And I go. Word for word. One word in particular. About how I make a good slave. Yes. And I go up to do that, and all of a sudden, I'm the bad guy? Hello, you guys were just liking this. And even if I go first, because I thought that was a problem. I used to let her go first. But now I say, let me go first and see what happens.

Well, because we came up with it together all three of us we were having pancakes at Dupars and we started talking about what it would have been like for us in slave times obviously we had a different perspective but I feel like we walked her to a lot of that idea Brett yeah

can we have what do I want to eat have you heard of this snack Brett, can we have, what do I want to eat? Oh, have you heard of this snack? It's a combination of graham crackers with chocolate, and there's a melted sugar pillow on it. I don't know, it's a specific. Sugar pillow sandwich?

Yes, it might be. And the thing that's so great is you always want some others of them after you've eaten them brett yeah i'm right here can you make do we have crackers what kind of crackers uh i guess like um graham norton like uh akmak do we have akmaks akma i've never heard of that i'll get you some crap we onlymock. Do we have Ockmocks? Ockmock? I've never heard of that. I'll get you some crack. We only have one type of cracker here. We have sprouted wheat? No, it's just plain cracker.

Okay. Do we have life cereal? We don't have life cereal. Do we have any kind of cereal? Do we have almond butter? We have crackers. We have plain crackers. The white kind.

Okay. How much kinds of jerky do you have? We have some turkey jerky. I think Josh might have some. No ostrich? No. The sclars turned me on to that ostrich jerky stuff. I hate when it's hungry and I don't know what I want to eat. Yes, because it's nice.

I know there's something. I know there's something that I really want. But I want to eat. Yes. Because, you know, I know there's something, I know there's like something that I really want, but I can't think of what it is right now. It's on the tip. I wish it were on the tip of my tongue. Just start naming stuff. Yeah. I'd like it on the tip.

I wish it were on the tip of my tongue and then just start shaming it up. No, we don't have that much guys. I mean, I can, I can rummage in some of their desks. I know Dana has like a sour patch kids. No. We don't have that much, guys. I mean, I can rummage in some of their desks. I know Dana has like Sour Patch Kids. No.

And Sam has like creamed corn in his desk for some reason. Is a bean sandwich something? Oh, I would love a bean sandwich. Is that something? Like a nice cannellini bean on like a Portuguese roll? A giant white bean. Like one of the big cannellini beans. One bean sandwich? like a Portuguese roll? A giant white bean. Like one of the big cannellini beans. One bean sandwich?

On a Portuguese roll. Well, we need two. One for each of you. What are you saying? We each start at one end of the sandwich and then munch our way in? Have you seen a Portuguese roll? You only have enough for one. Do you want me to put it sort of in between you guys?

Maybe. And what do I want to drink? Do you have cucumber soda? No. I love experimenting with interesting sodas. Oh, gosh. Like, I'm sort of a soda freak in terms of just, like, I'll go out to, like, a weird store,

like a store that's, like, not mostly even in English, and they have stuff there, and sometimes I'll buy something I don't even to a weird store, a store that's not mostly even in English, and they have stuff there, and sometimes I'll buy something I don't even know what it says, and I'll drink it. Is there anything more interesting than what you drink? How do you really get to know a person

unless you know if they try other drinks from what you've heard of? Sometimes everyone's just drinking the same old drinks that everyone else does. But I like different ones and mixing them together. I guess it's part of my uniqueness that make me want to have a drink that maybe you can't even necessarily say the name or know about. You, Brett. But that I'm having to drink and it's to me just normal.

Like what's a special drink you it's to be just normal. Like what's a special drink you had recently? Me? Yes. Well, I was talking to. Oh, he's talking to me? Yeah, I was talking to Sean. Oh.

And we're both looking up at the stars and so it's hard to. Yeah. It's hard to know exactly who's talking to who. But I know the kind of special drink that Brett has is like water and powdered medicine. Yeah. But I want an exciting drink. Just water and worm killer. Because I like knowing about exciting new drinks. Well, a lot of people might drink a root beer, but do they know about sarsaparilla?

And see, that's, yes, that's a great example of something that tastes exactly like root beer, but it is a different. Oh, some people think it's the same and why even bother labeling it differently? But it is different and it's so hard to find. An old west. And you have to go to it is different and it's so hard to find. An old west. And you have to go to a special store and it's more expensive. It's tradition and it's Doc Holliday and it's America.

And I am, for one, not one who wants to forget the past because it could repeat itself. And this kind of leads me into some of the stuff in the past that old white guys did actually was pretty good. And so maybe we don't want to just like throw out the baby with the bathwater here. Sarsaparilla. Yeah.

Sarsaparilla. Is that what you like? And it's real sugar. Oh, God. So good. It's not, you know. Corn. It's not using corn chemicals.

And it's like, yes, I'll eat corn. I like eating corn, which is regular, but I don't like it. Fresh corn, popping corn, anything that is not just making it chemical. But it's, yes, it's bad when it's transformed. Stop transforming it. Unless it's a car turning into a friend. I don't want anything transforming. Sorry. Okay, so one Portuguese bean sandwich and a sarsaparilla.

Yes. With cane sugar. Yes, and please don't use Sam's creamed corn. That's where I was going. To make syrup. Okay. How about some ginger beers? Have you heard of that? corn. That's where I was going. To make syrup. Okay. How about some ginger beers?

Have you heard of that? I like it so spicy. I need it so hot I cough. Most people can't drink it as spicy as I like to. Yeah. Yeah, I need it so hot I cough. That reminds me of being on the islands, man. Having the ginger being on the islands,

man, having the ginger beer on the boob sled team. We never talked too much about your big vacation. Oh, right. When I went to the islands, man, with the boob sled team.

Cause you told me that you saw some animals, but you wanted to tell me in person because there was like a visual component to you explaining the animals to me. Right. You know, that you couldn't explain the animals over the phone. Well, cause I have to be able to show you with my hands how big. Yeah. Bird like this.

Whoa. What? Little tiny shark. Oh my oh my god this big and is that its tail or it's all of it no its face wow normal size penguin okay well that looks small to me yeah yeah maybe you were far away cause you can't probably get that close to it I did the bird right Brett wait what is that what do you have Brett

I was just gonna oh that's nice oh I'm back on the islands with the Buju Bantan man murderer gun up on your shoulder. Or does it feel to take the life of another? I love that.

That's reefer music for me. Can I ask something? I don't know if this is bad to say. And I'm asking if it's bad to say. Okay? Yeah. And you know this because you were on the island. So you're not saying it.

You're just asking if it's bad. Yes. What is a... I think it's a bumble clot. What is that? Yeah, don't ask that. It is bad to say. But what is it?

Are you allowed to explain what it is? It's something that if you ask on the islands, you do get a punch. And if I wasn't so fast and strong, and i hate to even bring this up yeah i would have maybe gotten a big bruise i mean a lot of people will get knocked out by it but you actually kind of can't knock me out but if i wasn't so fast and strong and caught the guy's hand and taught him a little lesson about and use his own momentum swinging on somebody you use his own momentum against him yeah well and i mean in the the tradition of the water martial arts forms, where you be like water and use the flow of their energy.

Yeah, because water does that. Aikido, Hapkido, yes. All the Kidos. But they're doing, they have their style of doing it, where you think they're dancing and you come up to dance with them well and you start trying to do locomotion and suddenly it's suddenly it's fighting it can it can become that you grab their hips to do the locomotion well i i straight up thought i was in a possible conga line and And I was trying to sort of shift that smoothly into the locomotion.

Because of the islands. And what happened was, a guy tried to do a roundhouse flip kick. And luckily for me, I'm familiar with a lot of the water forms of martial arts. And I was able to turn that kick into he was doing the locomotion uh in the hospital so and that's what i'm and he was just a train of gurneys yeah at the hospital and you're making his hands move yeah to do the locomotion yeah accidentally ripped his iv out so you know and i don't like to talk about violent stuff just because our culture is you know gotten pretty bad but also

there's some stuff that we've done with violence that has been pretty good like a lot of the movies and maybe we don't throw out the baby with the bath water in terms of just like but we just put why don't we just put all these guns on paintball mode i know you know where it's like exploding paint and and so you can be like i got you yeah so you know who got hit and if they got got and everybody gets a different color yes and so you say like that's mine i'll pink. I'm not saying women have to do pink. I'm not. I don't care. Yes.

I'm not. Yes. I honestly don't care either. I don't think that's fair that it's just like, ooh, it has to be this. It's the pink is for girls. Brett probably wants yellow because he's the mustard man or whatever. Yeah. Fucking restart.

That's not nice. What? You said, I heard what you said. What? He called me mustard, which is like, it's starred. First of all,

which is short for mustard. Yeah. It's short for that. Yeah. Do you know the mustard man? Yeah. There's a mustard. I do you know the mustard man yeah there's a mustard i don't know the mustard man and i was just saying i hear it so much i'm hearing it again like here we go it's a restart you're saying it like like like pete and repeat okay pete and repeater in a boat. Pete falls out. Who's left? Who's left? Oh, um.

Pete. No, Pete fell out. Yeah, Pete fell out. Who's in the boat? Oh, God, he's going to do it. Me? No, you're not. It's just Pete and repeat in the boat.

Pete falls out. You can't do any of these with Brett. So, repeat. You can't do it. Wait, no. He said it. So, he said it. Pete falls out. You can't do any of these with Brett. You can't do it. Wait, no. He said it. He said it. Go back. Go back. But remember what you said. But you started from the beginning.

But remember what you said. But don't mess around. Because this is what happened when we tried to do chicken butt with him. What was that? And he said he knew what up dog was. In dick form. He knew.

What is it? Yeah. He drew a stardew for me. Okay. Okay. So remember what you said before. So Pete and repeat are in a boat. Pete falls out.

Who's left in a boat pete falls out who's left in in the boat repeat i've never gotten this far before i know there's something i'm supposed to do now yeah it feels like i just am so like excited that because i. I need him to say that. Like, that is who's in there. Yes. Is that... It is a person? Yeah, his name is repeat. Are they brothers?

I guess they would have to be twins. But then how do you know which is which? So repeat kills Pete? I think he just fell out. Yeah, I think he's just like... Maybe he was even showing off. And maybe it was a storm.

Don't show off in a boat, everybody. Stand up and... Doing the Titanic thing. Yes. And this boat's a rockin', you know? Oh, yeah, that one. Getting sleepy. Yeah, I'm ready to go to sleep.

Pratt, shush, shush, shush. I'm starting to get sleepy. Do we want to just... You guys didn't finish your sarsaparillas. It's not good. And I'm not supposed to have that much before I go to sleep. You know? I'm not supposed to drink a whole... The thing with a lot of these unique drinks is that

they're not that good. But I just drink them so you know that I drank them, but i don't really want to have them a regular drink is either better or the same usually the same a lot of times the same but a lot of times better and that's why people like it so much yeah that's why it's more popular i guess but that's different from our podcast which which is... Rose Petal Soda. Our podcast is unpopular because the popular stuff is bad. Yes, that's how podcasts are different than drinks to me. The popular drinks are good.

They taste good. Everyone likes them. Podcasts are different. The popular ones are bad and the unpopular ones are good. People don't know. It's swill. I think that's right. I think Sean's asleep.

He's dreaming about running. Look at his little legs move. He's got a heart on, I think. Yeah, and it kind of like emerges in that same way. It kind of comes out of the little sheath.

Yeah. It's like drippy. Sean? Randy? chief yeah it's like drippy sean randy do we do the pro version anymore no you want to try it yeah i guess i can try who's the one there's somebody starts with war Wardell or something I don't know about that I'm too tucked in I can't check I'm too tucked in at Brett's brain who's the name on the

forums that you think should get the let me ask you this at Brett's brain is that supposed to be your brain is it like here's here's the one to know the real story if you really want to get inside my brain at brett's brain on twitter is this like brett's brain what's really going on yeah brain dropping just absolute just brain twisters coming at you every day comes from the early days of twitter i was there before yeah you know what when it was just a startup and you certainly couldn't change it now because it's

this established brand can you change it because i was under the impression when twitter started that it was like yeah all your little brain farts i think you could change it but then you might lose people not understanding whether it was just the most unfiltered shit straight from your like yeah mind like like mind explosions yes hot takes yeah you know that's the story war ghoul sure are they going to new york congrats on pro version stay real and i also war ghoul wanted to tell you about um uh howell fm in a totally natural conversation haze um you and i have been hanging out and we're almost ready to sleep do you want to hear a little bedtime story for you and war ghoul yeah yes that'll help you want to hear a little bedtime story for you and Wargul? Yeah.

Yeah. That'll help you go to sleep. Well, once upon a time, someone hadn't subscribed to Howl yet, and it was a little boy. And so... Like me? Yes.

His name was Mr. Hayes. And he had to go to Howl.fm. Okay, I am subscribed, but... No, but... So he's not like me. Okay. So he's... Okay, so his subscribed, but... No, but... So he's not like me. Okay. So he's... Okay, so his name was Blaze.

So he had to... Yeah, you like that, huh? So he had to go to Howl.fm to sign up and use the promo code Hollywood. Is Hollywood. So as I was saying in this bedtime story I'm telling Hayes, just in a friendship way, is use the promo code Hollywood to check out and claim it. Someone said to the little boy, and he did because whatever. And then he said, well, now what do I do,

this boy who just got subscribed, Blaze? And what would you say? Yeah, he's so brave. So then he got told to feel free to listen to any Howl original shows and speak about the ones he enjoyed and I know you're already subscribed

so you must have loved hearing that someone said that and there's even some miniseries that I think War Ghoul and you would love, and you've probably heard them all. Yeah, tell me about the miniseries.

Well, I mean, I took it on myself, as I often do, to listen to a few minutes of the miniseries so I could speak about it in the bedtime story. The first one, which I really did listen to, is called The Complete Woman, and I really did listen to, is called The Complete Woman. And I got to tell you, Hayes, she's not missing any arms, legs. She got her whole body. She is so finished being made in terms of the physical construction and number of pieces.

And you like that? Yeah. I like that, too. of the physical construction and number of pieces. And you like that? I hope, yeah. I like that too. And then, and I don't think I'm only going to talk about one, because I listened to a few minutes of so much. I mean, the Canon commentaries, that's about Nick Cannon. Okay, so today's show is sponsored by howell fm is that a weird thing for a bedtime story maybe to you not to us it's like netflix for podcasts

you gotta use the promo code hollywood you have to and then you get a full month of free trial can i just say it's really nice of how to to sponsor this bedtime story, and I can't wait to see the money for that. I mean, that's what sponsoring means, right? It's just dough, baby. It's just cold, hard cashish like in billions. What's the point of having fuck you Howell money if you don't say fuck you? So that's for War Ghoul. Congratulations on the pro version. It um i'm getting so tired in

here yeah thank you for uh still wanting to do the show with me thank you for um finally coming out of the women's restroom because i just kind of thought sometimes like maybe you would start doing with other people and like maybe you would not want to do the show with me i don't like i don't like any other people okay and i you know i honestly was like it's like so stupid now it's honestly so dumb but like i was like kind of trying to make you jealous by like doing shows with tom i was hoping i think noticed that I was hoping that you, and it's so dumb and like, I feel so like,

so like, like an idiot just like saying it now, but like, I was just kind of hoping you would listen and be like, Oh, like I want to do the show with him again. Like, and be mad.

But, but would you agree? And I was jealous of you doing it with Tom and I did really want to do it together again, but would you agree that it would be mad that like even for example that like the show that we did without you the grease no zags episode was like the only one that got recognized unlike any year endless as yeah actual individual episode i was hoping that that would like make you like really mad and then anytime you search for the show on twitter it's all people tweeting about how specifically the sharpling episodes of the show are the good ones

and those are the ones that i'm not in because it's you hosting them without me and that then when you did the one with dc at brett's house without me that that one was like this is the best non-sharpling episode of the show i've ever heard was a very common refrain and that basically i've done like 115 episodes of the show and there's three that a very common refrain and that basically I've done like 115 episodes of the show and there's three that I'm not in and that they seem to get like more press than any of the other ones and that you thought that would hurt my feelings yeah I get well I mean you know I just was hoping yeah and it's dumb but just like yeah that you would get jealous and you would like that would make you like kind of like appreciate me more, I guess.

Yeah, that like, because it's people would be free to say like, this episode was so funny. I loved it this week. And they've said that before. But instead they say like, this one is better than the other ones. It's the best one. And that feels pointed. And I don't know if those are you under those accounts. But I think we can agree

that the episodes you did with sharpling maybe felt like a little random and aimless like they sort of like hit some topics and then came back and then revisited and didn't feel like they had a point whereas this one was so clean like what we just recorded is like truly just laser focused it feels like a lot of the fat bullseye after bullseye has been sort of like sliced off yeah and i wonder if people will like that less because they seem to like the more the free-flowing yeah you know it feels more natural um yeah the people did seem to like those a lot but isn't that isn't that dove that like i don't know it's like it's silly it's like honestly silly that you thought that would make me jealous yeah um no i love

doing it hey look i do the show for free for a long time uh and then as soon as i'm not on it, everybody talks about how fucking awesome it is. And that's nice. That wouldn't exist. It doesn't matter. So, bye. Bye. Hollywood Handbook. This has been an Earwolf production. Hollywood Hamburg.