Hollywood Handbook - Gil Ozeri, Our Close Friend

Episode Date: September 22, 2014

Sean and Hayes basically shred the whole Apple company for certain failures in their products, then open up the Teaser Freezer once more to do a close reading of "The Equalizer" where Engineer Brett makes a surprising move. Then GIL OZERI arrives to dish on his role in various police killings, perform characters from his one-man shows, and answer questions from the Popcorn Gallery gang.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

this is a head gum podcast so i'm at the movie with uh sujin pak and she's like we gotta get out of here there's a fire we gotta we gotta leave i'm like sujin it's not fire we're Su-Chin, it's not a fire. We're watching Ladder 49. It's not a real fire. Oh, yeah. But it was a real fire, and we were not seeing Ladder 49 at all. We were seeing Wicker Park. I just thought it was Ladder 49 because of the fire.

Right, and that's like a diagnosable disorder at this point that people who see fires because that movie was so powerful and realistic um a lot of people have burned because they just thought they were enjoying they were watching ladder 49 yes hey welcome to hollywood handbook and insider's Guide to Kicking a Button, Dropping Names, the Red Carpet Linebacker, always in this industry we call showbiz. What up, what up? Okay.

Did I feel okay? No. Sean, what do you think of all this Apple stuff? Oh, gosh, what do I think? Well, it's funny you phrase it that way because I'm one of the only people who actually does think and uses my own brain in order to decide what kind of product to buy. I don't necessarily get written a prescription by the commercials on TV, which is my doctor in that case, saying, here, you have to have the Apple stuff. Or you'll get sick.

Yes. Because... But that is how some people think. Oh, gosh. I mean, I think that's half America right now. And the problem with Apple that people don't know is everything's so proprietary. And you can only have an Apple machine to go with Apple machine.

It's like getting a brick. It's like going to the store and spending $10,000 or whatever it is on a red brick. Yes. And that's approximately what they cost. And if you are a real tech geek and love science tech stuff the way that I do, a true one, then you just say what I've said before, which is my next phone's not going to be iPhone. Because on iPhone, you can't change any of the apps. You can't hack it.

And I am a big hacker. You can't switch between sites. No. And there's no swipe. There's no swipe. It's not user-friendly because there's no swipe. And so I don't own any Apple products anymore. Because also, and I know they're trying to fix this,

but please, it's too little too late. The screen's not big enough. How often do you watch a movie in an Uber? Every single morning. Yeah, because you get a text. Yes. Emergency, it's me, William Friedkin. Watch it, me.

Watch me now, I need notes ASAP. I'm in with execs now. William Friedkin's not saying watch me. The movie need notes ASAP. I'm in with execs now. William Friedkin's not saying watch me. The movie is saying watch me. Yes. In this one instance, the most recent movie, he's the star of it. My thing is with these watches, for example, if I'm supposed to watch movies on that,

my headphones aren't long enough to go from the watch all the way to my ears i have to sort of have my hand lifted up kind of close to my head as i'm trying to watch my movie if i'm going to hear anything on my headphones because my cord is very short now the watch is innovative because it is a wearable it's a wearable yeah it is a wearable fine but what i found i can do is take a reebok band tennis sweatband wristband and shove my galaxy s4 in there and then boom now that's a wearable. Yes, and then you can see some of the time that's poking out from under the wristband. Yeah, yeah.

Most of it. Oh, yes. I can make an inference. We want to do a segment on the show. It's so hot in Los Angeles right now. What we want to do is a segment that is good for cooling everyone down, and it's called hot in Los Angeles right now and so what we want to do is a segment that is good for cooling everyone down and it's called the teaser freezer

and the way the teaser freezer works is teasers are commercials about movies and we keep them in the teaser freezer so they stay cold did you have anything you wanted to add? well I mean the only thing I have to add is just that I was sweating from how hot and I did have to add is just that i was sweating

from how hot and i did have to move my fan closer to my bed and because my windows are the crank windows that open out sideways in my basement from yeah um uh that my dad doesn't want to get the windows redone in the apartment um uh that doesn't allow me to have a standard air conditioner in there. But now you know also about the fan that you are not supposed to move it too close. Too close to the bed? Well, because of your hair. Yes. Well, my hair is – I have temporary hair right now because I am in between two different

hairs that I'm going to have. One for my last movie, one for my next movie. And so the hair I have right now, because it's not permanent, if it were to get caught in a fan or if it were to touch a fan if I rolled over when I'm sleeping. It would swing you. Yes, it would swing me and it would possibly remove a big chunk of my scalp. And I did have that happen to a friend of mine when we both had temporary hair and we were both close to a fan at a restaurant and and his got caught in it, and 168 Stitches couldn't put him back together again. So anyway.

Couldn't. Could not. Could not. All King's Horses, All the King's Men, and 168 Stitches couldn't put him back together again after that hair fan incident. So I do need to be careful, but at the same time it's so hot and i was sweating so we're in the teaser freezer now and i'm excited to cool down so we open up the freezer and mush mush go and we reach inside and we pull out a teaser and you look at it and the teaser is for the equalizer

the equalizer this is a movie it's got denzel and we love denzel and it's an action movie but it has a brain in its head they're so often so dumbed down for the lowest common denominator. And that is just people think in order to have an action movie with guns and violence that the only people that are going to enjoy that are this denominator that is so low. It's the lowest one. That you can't have something smart and thank god hollywood finally got you know one of my messages yes it's a movie and it has the the explosions and the guns and the punching for the lowest common denominator but it also has a little few little treats in there for mom and dad.

And we'll show you why right now in the teaser freezer. So it starts, Denzel's in a diner and he's reading a book and it's Old Man and the Sea. He catch that fish yet? Hmm? The book? Oh, yeah. Yeah, he did. It's a happy ending.

Not exactly. The old man met his greatest adversary just when he thought that part of his life was over. Why didn't he just let the fish go? Old man's got to be the old man. Fish has adversary just when he thought that part of his life was over why didn't he just let the fish go old man's got to be the old man fish has got to be the fish got to be who you are in this world right no matter what wow a lot of treats for a thinking person who likes books and this is especially relevant for me because my 2014 book is Old Man in the Sea. I did a Mice and Men last year and I said this year I'm going even longer. I think they're about the same length.

That's a great 2014 book. And so I am about two thirds of the way through. And I don't even mind that it sort of spoils it because I was wondering in it as I'm reading this great words, what's going on in this book? And for Denzel to so tightly say it, wow.

That the fish has got to be the fish and the old man's got to be the old man that sums it up and that's something that they never say outright in the book but it is very strongly implied and if you look at it that way it becomes easier to read the book and i've even done more pages since seeing this treat teaser because this is my 1975 book and i've read it i really enjoyed it as you know it's about 70 pages long but in the teaser you notice that the book he's reading is a huge leather bound looks like about a 700 page book and if you actually look at the teaser he's reading this book in a restaurant you know go restaurant read a book and he is on it looks like maybe page four of this book you see him reading it and he's very very early in the book especially to have picked up as much as he has so far but i think here's the secret about him this is how you know he's smart

he's got this big version of the book because i think he's so smart it's like it's like the old man of the sea 10 times in a row because he's so smart he's gonna read it i have a theory what what i have a theory what is it he has some pages in the book where he writes what he thinks about the book. So he reads one page and then he writes nine pages of his own theories. I think so. And isn't that interesting that we could have two different ideas about it only from seeing four seconds of one teaser?

Well, it forces you to think. It forces you to ask some questions and to have some of your own thoughts. Why is that book so big? I know it's not supposed to be that big. Why? Why is he reading it in the restaurant? Why is he talking about it like he knows everything about it when he's only on page four? Yes, and why is a teen girl talking to him about his book, too?

And why is she asking it in a way? Why is her first question, did he catch that fish yet? Which if he didn't, like, fuck you, lady. You know, because I'm trying to read this book. Yo, Pop, best you don't have to push little dollies at your old job, did you? Guilty as charged.

So now he's working at his job. Open the register up right now. And he's getting robbed. And he works at a Home Depot store. A style store. And it's called Home Mart. Which is sort of an improvement on the Home Depot concept. Maybe they can't use Home Depot.

So hard to say. So hard to remember. Home Depot is really almost impossible to say. But if you work at a store... First of all, it doesn't look like it says Depot. That's what makes it so hard. You have to actively actually not read it if you want to say it. Well, and you have to practice saying it enough times

that you don't have to take a big pause between the two words. Because what's nice for Home Mart... Well, you're not saying it actually correctly. I'm sorry. What's nice for Home Mart... No, you have to say both words. Home Mart... You're saying one M.

You need to say... Just pronounce each word individually. Say it. You say it. Home Mart. Home Mart. No, you're not doing it right. You have to say...

It's two words. It's not one word. Brett, am I losing my friggin' beans today? I mean, am I out of my mind? Brett, you say it. Home-mart? No, you're saying one M. Home-mart.

And what's nice about saying home-mart... No, that's not the name! The name of the company is Home Mart. Well, I'm sorry. You lost this battle, and I hate to give Brett a full vote. Brett, try again. It is two to one. You know that's wrong.

I would say Home Mart. You're saying Home Mart. Home Mart. I'm saying both words. No. But they flow into each other. That seems like the way you do it. You have to finish the word.

Home Mart. No, you have to finish the word. Home-art. No, you have to finish the word home. And what's nice about home-art is your mouth is already at the M, so you don't got to take a whole other trip to go find the D. No, home-art is a totally different thing from what this name is, which is home-art. Okay, well, how about oh you're walmart well that's not how it's spelled at all you're putting it walmart walmart okay well i hope you like having engineer bread on your side

it must be a really great feeling must be a really great feeling to have engineer bread agree with you on how to pronounce a word. Does that feel good? You know what, Hayes? You're right. It's not a very good feeling, is it? I didn't really think about what I was doing and who I was sort of aligning myself with. A discussion of how to pronounce a word. I guess the greatest trick the devil ever pulled was, you know,

making me think I'm friends with Engineer Brett for a minute. When it comes to some things, conversations about, like, wearing a Beatles shirt, you know, Brett's an expert on that. There's no denying it. when it comes to wearing a beetle shirt you want to talk to engineer brett right you would consider yourself an expert on that wouldn't you an expert on the beatles or wearing no no definitely not expert on the band the beatles an expert i am where no i you are not an expert on that. You're an expert on wearing a Beatles shirt.

I suppose I'm pretty good at that. I'm willing to concede that you are an expert on that, in fact. Okay, I'll take that. I'll take it. You're doing it right now. I'm taking it? No, you're wearing a Beatles shirt. Yeah, I am.

I'm doing it pretty well, I would say. You're doing it expertly. Okay, yeah, I'm i'm doing it pretty well i would say you're doing it expertly okay yeah i'm an expert on it but when it comes to saying a word would you call yourself an expert on that a little bit you're saying you're an expert on saying a word on some words i feel pretty confident okay which ones like the beatles saying the word the beatles you're an expert on well of course you're you got on your shirt right but uh you can just look at your shirt whenever you want to say that i feel pretty comfortable saying home art home home art it's home mart i'm really going through something here what's wrong i mean, Engineer Brett is roasting you.

I mean, he's on the right side of this thing. I swear to God he is! Listen to what you say. I just... Down to... Down to the last detail. I just feel like

Engineer Brett has it pegged. And what happened to you or what happened? Did he take some kind of super pill or something and now he's a smart guy? And how did you fall so far?

I've been working with you for a long time. Okay, then if that's true, then he should be doing the rest of the show. He should do the teaser freezer. He should do the rest of the teaser freezer.

If that's how you feel, why would I be hosting the show anymore? Why would I finish the teaser freezer when Brett should do the rest of the teaser freezer. If that's how you feel, why would I be hosting the show anymore? Why would I finish the teaser freezer when Brett can do it? If he's the one who's... He's an expert on saying all the words. Why does he do it? Why does he do the

teaser freezer? And I do the sound. Why don't I just do the sound here I go I'll do the sound get back in your seat there's no way you know how to do the sound I'll do it I'll do the sound

I'll do teaser freezer well if we're right about this then he would be able to do the sound. I mean, he would have become that dumb. That that would make sense to him. Okay, so, Brett, you know you're going to sort of start it and describe what's happening and then stop it. Well, you know how to do it.

You're hazed now. Okay, go ahead. What am I doing? You do the teaser freezer. Okay, you do the teaser freezer. You know how to pronounce the words, so we made our bed, Brett. Okay, I'm here. I have to get you this out.

Okay, just sit there and don't press anything, though. Is it red? Is it red going across? Just make sure it's red. Is what red? Just the file, the wave force. The big one is red. You don't do both.

Now just feel it out, Hayes. Yeah, I know how to do it. This is all I do now. Okay, now Brett, play more to the teaser okay here we go what you doing about it is about a guy who is a knight in shining armor except he lives in a world where knights

don't exist anymore my ring the book right Brett what do you think of that part of the teaser well he's talking about another book books don't exist anymore The book, right? Brett, what do you think of that part of the teaser? Well, he's talking about another book. Books don't exist anymore? Is that what he said?

Holy shit. He's trying... Oh, okay. I'm just worried about him doing sound. Well, this is the show now. This is the show now. I'm distracted by him doing sound. Brett is really worrying me. Hearing?

He literally couldn't hear I can see and misunderstanding the very basic idea of a sentence welcome to your new show I can say well no one said the word I said the word book

to try to sort of lead a horse to water a little bit because they go she goes what's the new one about I want the listeners to know she means his new book. He apparently talks to this young sort of prepubescent girl about books all the time.

This 65 year old man. So anyway, I'm trying to explain that to them. Then you just somehow plug me saying that into your memory so that you go he's in a world where books don't exist anymore in the movie he's just in a movie walking with a girl she goes what's the new one about he goes it's about a a knight but he lives in a time where knights don't exist anymore you go he's in a world where books don't exist anymore it's like like holy shit, Brett. You couldn't get through one sentence. You couldn't get through one fucking sentence. And I think

you were so bad at doing it that I've learned how to say home marked. No, don't say that. I don't think I could have been more vindicated than by what just happened. You obviously don't want to be the host of this show anymore with Brett. That would be insane.

Well, it's not a show. You should probably come do the sound. Well, yes, I think that much is clear. Because you definitely don't want to be on the same show as Brett where he's hosting. I cannot be hosting with Brett. I'm going to do the sound. Okay. So you come over here.

Okay, I'm coming. This isn't... You can give me a minute to settle into this new role. Okay, now Sean and I are doing the sound, and now I'm going to take a picture of you while you do the teaser freezer. Wait, both of you? And as someone who thought for even a second that Brett was going to be able to do the show and host it, I now have officially proven myself stupid enough to do the sound.

You guys threw me into the segment I'm least familiar with, to be honest. It's our most famous segment. Everyone loves it. You could say that. It's all yours. Okay, should I keep playing the trailer? Yes, and then do the commentary by yourself. I can't.

It's not even. He's putting a hammer back on the. Think you can be anything you want to change your world. He just slapped a woman. I would never go back to being that person. But when somebody does something unspeakable, it's one you hardly knew. I don't understand.

Do you give up? I don't understand. Say you give up. I don't give up. Admit that you give up. Then finish it if you don't give up. This doesn't feel like a teaser freezer, really. This is what I've wanted.

It doesn't feel anything like a teaser freezer. It doesn't. I admit it doesn't. I can do sound again. Say you give up. I never even asked for this. Brett, the very idea that I used to host a podcast with you is sickening. This is what you think a teaser freezer is?

I wish you gave me at least two sentences to settle into this. What segment do you think you would have been good at, by the way? You said this is the one you're least familiar with. What segment do you think you would have hit out of, by the way? You said this is the one you're least familiar with. What segment do you think you would have hit out of the park? Let's hear you do that one. Welcome to Hollywood Handbook, the insider's guide to this place we call show. This place, this. He's sweating.

I swear I can do this. Welcome to Hollywood Handbook. We're in the teaser freezer where it's cold and he's sweating I swear I can do this Welcome to Hollywood Handbook We're in the teaser freezer where it's cold And he's sweating It's hot I thought we were just talking about how hot it was Not in the freezer The whole point is that the freezer is cold

We're at the friggin North Pole We're not still in this freezer They mushed a sled dog and we went to the North Pole Come back and do the sound. Okay. I'm sorry. You give up. That's right.

I give up. Wow, I thought I was part of a good podcast, but now I'm just part of something that I think has a lot of problems. One is the sound guy tried to host it and i let him and now i just think now i just think this whole thing is just mean and exploitive and how did i say that right and how did i do on the sound when i was over there i think actually it went okay. Oh, look, I did.

What about when I was there? You took pictures. What about when Sean was the sound? Sean just sort of hovered over you and didn't, I didn't see him actually even touching you. And that's what it needed at the time, wasn't it? Because it came out fine. Well, we'll see how it comes out. Sometimes we need to know when what actually is necessary

is to just sort of hover there and not be doing so much. Huh, Brett? I think this started with you asking me how to say something. We have a great guest today. Gaylo Zeri is here, and he's

a famous comedy performer, and he's a famous comedy performer, and he's written on television shows, and he's going to come here, and he's going to talk to Sean and Hayes, the hosts of Hollywood Handbook. So Viggo Mortensen looks at me. His eyes are like saucers. And he points and he goes, what is that? And I was like, I thought he was joking. I was like, that's pineapple.

You know? Because it's in the fruit salad. And he's never seen it. And we went through fruit by fruit. And I identified every pea. And he just had never had it. He'd never seen it like that. I think through fruit by fruit and i identified every pea and he just had never had he'd never seen it like that i think he had seen the whole one he'd seen the spiny rind so at one point he got mad he's you know kind of shoving me a little bit he's that's not a pineapple but you would never know no if you saw the outside you would never ever think. And that's me.

It's not on him. I almost was maybe a little condescending because I do know so well what pineapple looks like. And that's just a product of my upbringing. I spent all that time on the islands. Hey, welcome to Hollywood Handbook and Insider's Guide to Kicking Butt and Dropping Names in the Red Carpet Linebacker Hallways of this Industry We Call Showbiz. You try to mess me up. And we're not doing it at the same time. I know that you're trying to, but I will never mess it up. Just you say it.

Well, what up, what up? And we've got a great, exciting guest today. Gail O'Zerry is here. Hi, Gail. Hi. Gail, thank you so much for being here. You're famous for your comedy. That's true.

You've performed at the UC Berkeley Theater, and you're also a writer, and you were a writer on Happy Endings. That's true. And you were a writer on Brooklyn Nine-Nine, and you left that show recently, and what I have sort of been hearing is that it had a lot to do with the Ferguson stuff. And when all that was going on... Well, that came a little bit after, but, you know... So that stuff happened because you left the show and the cops were mad.

Well, I don't think they were mad at me. No, but they were mad that you left the show, and they said, until he comes back, we're going to start being very bad cops. Okay, well, maybe. Yeah, maybe. And the Dorner stuff had been when you were just stuck in a tough contract negotiation, right? The Chris Dorner stuff? I mean, that's always tied to me, but I don't think that's true.

Really? It's tied very strongly to you. I've never heard the two mentioned separately. Really? You always hear my name mentioned? I was in Big Bear recently, I've never heard the two mentioned separately. Really? Yes, I was in Big Bear recently and I did visit the Dorner house, as I do. And I do recall that everyone outside...

I've heard you visit every time you're there. You go see the Dorner house. This was just frequent. I'm a ski bunny. There's no shame in that. when I was there and there were quite a few people there, the whole hugger-mugger around the outside of the building was just the crowd going, hmm, good Loserians, good Losericristoner.

It's good to get stuck in the contract negotiation. Well, you know, I don't know. Maybe, I don't know. Maybe, I can't see how the connection, but maybe it is. No, they like their shows yeah and they were pissed off and they get they get sometimes they get they can be very pissed off we we probably fucked up all together i don't want to blame any other writers i think i'm going to take the onus on that it was you it was me and it wasn't lakshmi sundaram i don't think it was

lakshmi you know i i i can't say like if, if it was Lakshmi, then it was also me. Because, I mean, she was in the Aero Studios to do Yo! Is This Racist. Right. And I could just tell. That it was her? Well, I don't want to throw anyone under the bus, but yes! Okay. Yes! She had bloody hands.

When I whisper now, is that recorded? No! No, I don't think the mic can pick that up. Dogs can hear. Okay. Little dogs. Do you have a lot of dogs that listen to the podcast? We have one.

We got one mean one. One mean dog. Mm-hmm. And he likes to kind of like... Does he comment on the message boards? He considers himself something of a critic. Let's put it that way. He likes to express his feelings by lifting his leg. You're saying he pisses on the pot?

I wouldn't know how he would do that. On the podcast. On the iPod, yeah. Okay. Well, the dog owns an iPad. An iPod. Let me put it this way, Gil put it this way gill this is episode 51 right i'm on uh i'm on shuffle number like 53 at this point so he's not liked many of

our episodes still has an ipod though well it's sean it's my ipod oh your dog when i play it for the duck no he's not my dog oh no please well Well, it's that I guess he does his business on his own, and then you have to give him yours. The dog can't own an iPod legally. Oh, okay. Is that a rule? Well, because there's a danger of them eating it. Right.

You as an owner are responsible if your dog eats an iPod and then has a stomach problem, goes crazy, bites somebody, you know, because he's trying to have, he's trying to make a bathroom, you know, he's trying to make a, you know, he's making a bathroom, you know, movement, deuce. Okay. Yes. He's trying to do this. Deuce.

Yes. And the iPod is stuck because he ate it because you as an irresponsible owner. You can be arrested for that. You can be arrested. And you should know this. You worked on a cop show. Yeah. You know what?

We were supposed to study everything you can get arrested for. Yes. And I didn't even look at the book. And state to state, it's different. And have you ever read any of those wacky laws lists that go around the internet sometimes? Like you can't wear a duck on your head or something like that? Okay, I haven't seen that one. That one is good.

That one's very good. I'm like, how did this come up? How did we find out we don't like this? What do you think of all this Apple stuff? What Apple stuff? The iPhone 6? Oh, yeah. Or just Apple in general?

Whatever you feel most strongly about. Oh, oh. I think I'm going to get a new Apple 6. It's bigger. It's bigger. Right, yes. What do you guys think of the size? And we like that.

You like the size. Well, that, yes. But we have our own issues as well with it. Right. Well, it's too, and I mean, you know, we talk about this, but it's too proprietary. And you have to, you know, get the new one and the plugs change. Right. And it's a scam and that's why some of the other ones are more user-friendly and easier to hack okay okay yeah some of the phones yeah but you're

still i'm still gonna get one you're still yeah slave to the i'll have fun buying plugs yeah no i enjoy spending all the plug money, you know? How much money do people usually spend on plugs? Well, the Apple guys? Yeah. Yeah. And the dog, there's a situation with that dog and plugs, too. Oh, really?

Yeah, I mean... The dog will swallow plugs. Well, he'll do his, you know, his business on a plug. We don't have a good way. He gets pissed at the plugs. We don't have a, okay, yeah.

We don't have a good way to talk about going to the bathroom on this podcast. Oh, why not? Well, we just haven't solved it. And it's come up a few times that we have to, not just with this dog,

but in just telling a story about ourselves, a celebrity of life, it is a part of life. Or even a movie where it happens, because I think there's scenes in some of those Farley Brothers movies where they have to go to the bathroom on each other. And we haven't found a good way to talk about it that is comfortable.

Like you can't say taking a shit or something? Well, that's pretty direct. Yeah, I didn't mean to say. I apologize. No, that's good. You're comfortable with that and that's very direct and that's who you are.

It's like I said, you're an honest comic. Yes, no, I am. I'm honest. I pride myself on that. Speak on that. Yeah, on my honesty? Mm-hmm. I just feel like I pride myself on that. Speak on that. Yeah, on my honesty?

I just feel like if you're going to say something, if you're going to step on that soapbox, you've got to be honest. You've got to tell the truth to people because that's what they respond to. Yes, and talk about that. Talk about the truth? I mean, even on a phone call call when i'm talking to an agent or when i'm talking to a fan who's called me you know my family whatever you know i feel like i

have to tell the truth i'm always on are you guys feel like you're always on yes and the the descriptor that's been used for the experience is being in the funny zone and having a tendency to live inside the funny zone and how that can have a sort of distortive effect. And I'll say that is part of why I do go so often up to Big Bear. So frequently up to Big Bear. What happens up there? That's where I really can shut off and get out of the funny zone and just see the Dorner house.

You don't feel the pressure. Skiing. Right. No, it's a somber place. It's a quiet, serene place. So you go to the Dorner house to feel serene. You've been there a lot recently, which is something you always talk about it as a ski thing.

But as far as I know, you can't really do any skiing there right now. It's summertime. If I've got skis on, I'm skiing. You know, that's my philosophy. Everybody thinks you have to be up at the top of some mountain swishing around to be skiing. If I've got skis on, I'm skiing. Because people ask me, I say that you're up there and that you're skiing and then they say,

I don't think he's skiing right now. Is he just going to look at the Dorner house again? Well, you tell them it's both. I'm skiing at the Dorner house. I've got those boots on and I'm strapped in. I'm snapped in.

Can I ask what isn't about the Dorner house? What makes it so appealing to you? I mean, I'm snapped in. Can I ask what isn't about the Dorner House? What makes it so appealing to you? I mean, I'm almost starting to worry we're spending too much time on the Dorner House. I'm regretting bringing it back up. I'm sorry. I apologize. You say that as someone who spends so much time physically looking at it.

Well, one thing is I'm afraid to give away my sort of secret little hidings but you know you tell somebody about a great restaurant right next week you can't get a reservation oh i see you know and while it is a it is a crowded destination certainly uh there's also an element of do i want to tell people that it just for me it's like um have you been to sedona there's these vortexes in sedona that have a specific vibration, a magnetic vibration that sort of aligns your chakras. Yes. That's the Dorner house for you.

For me and for many others, yeah. What's the Dorner house for you? That's a really great question. For me, there's a parking structure downtown where Chris Dorner did his first act where he snuck up on these two teenagers. And that settled you. And he did something to them. Okay.

Just going to the top of that parking structure, just looking out at the city and just being like, this is where I live. This is like I get to work know, like this is, this is like, I get to work here and like sort of do my thing. I'm getting paid to do this. Right. Right. It's just like every once in a while to step back and go to the top of that parking structure and think about it.

It's just like, it's just a nice, it's a nice vacation. Do you have a Dorner house of your own? Weirdly it's, it's Dorner's grave. It's so weird that we all have this Dorner thing in common, but I go to his gravesite, and I can just tune out. First of all, I turn my phone off, and I just stare.

I could sit and talk to Dorner. One-on-one, man-to-man. And what does he say to you? He's usually supportive of everything I'm doing in my life. And he's just a great ear. You know, a good sounding board. You know, a grave can be a stone. You know, the stone.

It's a good sounding board. Physically and, you know, just emotionally be it's a good sounding board physically and you know just emotionally i guess i don't know i think you do know yeah and i and i think you said i think you said it all okay now you've brought up some serious stuff and uh i guess that's appropriate because while you are a comedian and famous for your comedy, there's also an element to your work that is emotional and can be gut-wrenching. There is a serious side to me. You do these one-man shows.

Yes. And I'm almost hesitant to say you do them because your characters do them, don't they? Yeah, I usually say they do them. Yes, through you. You're a vessel. Exactly. I'm the vehicle, and they drive me to the place that they want to go. And so, yeah, I mean, I get a lot out of it.

Laughs is one thing, but tears is always another. Well, I mean, enough talking about it. Laughs is one thing, but tears is always, you know, another. Well, I mean, enough talking about it. Can we hear a piece of one of these shows? They're each inspired by one of my grandparents. And, you know, I have the wackiest family. I mean, like, that helps. Yes, it does. Usually you hear about people's family and you hear that they're wacky, but I have the wackiest. You know, they're just so specific. My grandmother, she was an Irish roller coaster operator.

Yes. Okay. And life's something of a roller coaster, isn't it? It is. It is. And that was, did you see the show? Because that's the theme of the show. Yes, I did see it.

Explain to me how that would work. What would work? I just don't totally understand how the analogy, I guess. Okay. So a roller coaster. Well, should he explain? Or should his grandmother explain? I'd love to hear your grandmother explain.

She'd operated the roller coaster. Okay. Oh, you're on the roller coaster. Wow, she's here. Which part of Ireland is she from? She's from Dublin. Ah, yeah's here. Which part of Ireland is she from? She's from Dublin. Ah, yeah. Okay.

Kind of a mishmash of accents there. Exactly, yeah. And I took voice lessons for a while just to get it down because that's not my natural. I don't really talk. Did it sound? Do I sound Irish? Oh, you're on the great.

She would say, welcome to the great American scream machine. Your life is like this roller coaster, she say yeah to any just whoever was well god whoever was getting on okay and she was like strap in for the strap in for the ride of your life rub the blarney stone because you're going on an adventure and she committed suicide she committed suicide yeah uh she uh misoperated one of the roller coasters and uh stopped it to give a speech while it was upside down and 13 children died they just fell right out and smashed into a uh dirty bush on the ground she was giving a speech on the ground no she was on the ground looking up was giving a speech on the ground. No, she was on the ground looking up. Oh, she wanted to talk to them.

She's like, this is what it's like when you're going through a rough patch. Right, yes. And then they actually went into a dirty bush. Into a dirty bush, yes. Well, yes, yeah.

I mean, the dishonor of dying in a bush that hasn't been cleaned. Yes. That's partially on the theme park. On the grounds crew. It's not her fault. It's not her fault. No, that it was dirty sounds like she did take that personally.

That she did take it upon herself that it was her fault. Yes, she did. And she committed suicide. She committed suicide, and rightfully so, I should say. You know, like my family, we talk about it and stuff. And I do commit suicide on stage. It is, you should try it. Have you guys done one-man shows?

We tinkered with some experimental stuff back in the early days, but I wouldn't call it a one-man show, no. What would you call it? It was almost genderless. Oh. One-person show? One art art. One arch, one art.

One art art. One art art. Art. One art art. Instead of a one-man show, it. Replacing both man and show with art. And while I did, in my case, didn't do the one-man show, did just the man show. Okay. The Stan Hope Rogan era.

Got it. Yes, where Hayes played all the characters. Wow. So it was the one-man man show. Mm. Got it. Yes, where Hayes played all the characters. Wow. So it was the one man man show. Mm-hmm. And it was truly moving. And doing every juggy, every single juggy, don't forget. That's amazing.

Mm-hmm. That is amazing. Ziggy zaggy ziggy zaggy. Mm-hmm. Oi, oi, oi, oi. Don't have to tell me. Yeah. And she committed suicide. Yeah. So she committed suicide. Yeah, so she committed suicide.

So I thought it would be wise to actually allow my audience to experience that. And so I kill myself in a different way on stage, or I did, every night. And is that because you forgot how your grandmother did it? Yes. And it keeps it fresh, though, to do a different one every night. Because when I would do my one art art, I remember that I would come out and I would just be a peanut. Right. But then the next night, you know, maybe I'm some, you know.

A cashew. Well, I didn't want to say it, but yes. And why didn't you want to say that? I guess I get embarrassed. Because when you do play a cashew, there's a part of yourself that the audience gets to see that maybe you stopped showing them a while ago. Wow. That's deep.

And so thinking back, even when I played Pistachio and the whole thing, the whole campaign where the different celebrities would enjoy me in different ways and they're dressed in a fluorescent green and maybe it's how snooki enjoys a pistachio or how steven colbert likes a pistachio um maybe it's uh who else would like pistachios? Psy. Psy. Maybe it's Psy. And he's enjoying that pistachio, you know, Gangnam Style. Yeah. You know, that's a pretty vulnerable place to bring yourself.

It really is. I admire you for sticking with gill who were those the people you were talking about uh i was talking about my grandma your grand yes your grandma she committed suicide yes yes and you had other ones yes i had other i had two other grandparents you know my uh my grandmother uh my other grandmother on my mother's side. And she is, she is a Jew. She was a Jewish prostitute. Oh, and I do this whole stick.

It's stick, you know, because it's her with, it's her and all her other prostitutes just, you know, hanging around, around. And then John walks up and it's like

it is so much fun and how what happens and what basically this guy comes up and he's like you want me to do it

you wanna I'd love to hear the six or seven prostitute friends of hers who are all sort of from different backgrounds yes all sort of talking to this

John and that's what they are different sects I would imagine yes Judaism yes different they're from different areas And that's what they are. Different sects, I would imagine, of Judaism. Yes. They're from different areas where Jewish people are. And Jewish people are, I didn't know this before I looked it up,

they're from more than one place. I thought they all come from Jerusalem, and they don't. I was going to say the zoo. Oh, yeah. No, there's some that work at the zoo too. The Jew, that doesn't work. Okay. Okay.

So John walks up and he's like, hi. Hi, ladies. I'm looking to spend my hard-earned dollar on a little poontang. I get dirty with it, but hold on. And my grandmother comes up, and this is my grandmother. Hello, fella. We're just waiting for a handsome guy like you to walk up. Isn't that right, Bernice? Yes, it's very right.

We're all here waiting for you. Yes, this is Madeline, the Russian Jew. And I am waiting for you too. My pussy is very wet. And then there's another

there's a Japanese one, because, you know, just, you know, I like to do that. Yeah. Yes, I want to grab your mutterballs. Audience goes crazy. And then there's the... Was there a Jamaican Jew that was in the... Oh, child.

Oh, child. Oh, child! Give me your two clementines. I put it on my belly and I put it on my three titties. Alright, here's my money. And then my grandmother, obviously, is the one who has sex with him because that was, guess what, that was my

grandfather. And you don't find that out until the end of the show. Yeah. And so then it's almost like you went to two shows. It's almost like you went to two. The one thing I have is you said poontang, and then you said, I get dirty with it, but wait.

But I wasn't sure what I was waiting for. Okay, yeah, no. I didn't get to the part where my grandparents have sex on stage. Oh, you as both of them. Yes, me as my grandfather having sex with my grandmother. So it would be like, oh, yes. Oh, give it to me. Oh, yeah, I'm going to give it to you, I mean.

Oh, yeah. Oh, this is so good. Oh, yeah, I'm going to give it to you, I mean. Oh, yeah. Oh, this is so good. Oh, my God. Oh, get your Jewish cock right inside me. Oh, baby. Oh, we're fucking Jewish style now. Oh, baby, this is so Jewish. Oh, give it to me, Jewish.

Oh, give it to me, Jewish. I'll give it to you, Jewish. I, give it to me Jewish. Oh, give it to me Jewish. I'll give it to you Jewish. I'll give it to you Jewish. Oh, I came like a Jew. And so delicate, because I have had sex, and it does sound something like that, but there's something about the way you do it that's so delicately infused with your background

and some of your culture. It's the kind of thing that only someone who's had your experience and who's been through what you have to do it's a window for me you know into the subtle differences

of cultural backgrounds you have to be yes you have to be specific or else no one's again no one's going to buy it that's the truth thing you know the truth thing

returns because if you're not truthful about what Judaism is to everybody and you're not specific about what it is to you, no one's going to really... Well, and it's specific and it's general. Because the specifics of some of the things they were saying,

I haven't necessarily heard, but the concept of coming and shoving your cock in someone and having them ask you to do that. That has happened. Now, Gil, your family's very unusual. But would you trade them for anything in the world? God, anything? Anything.

Anything. Like money? Like, what do you anything? Anything. Like money? Like, what do you mean? Anything. Anything. But money could buy a lot of things. And any amount. God.

I'm sorry, when you're saying anything, a building? Anything. Whoa. And as many of that thing. As many buildings. As you want and it can be multiple different kinds of things

you know what I've always wanted my own college I would say no though you can't trade family not even for a college you know what Gill College that's the name Christ

you know what no God does it have a campus no it does yes Gil it does have a campus

there's a quad it's got an ultimate frisbee team Gil Quad Jesus Christ you guys they're teachers oh man

and uh there's like a student center like a university student center and a team name a field house it's like all the college stuff. You're naming all the college stuff.

You're naming what's cool about college. Yes, you get it all. I got to say, I mean, it's your family. You can't just do that to your family. But you do have like a meal card, like a point system. And you swipe the card to pay for the meal. And there's like a local sub place where everyone goes. It's open really late.

Like a night near a sports bar? After a fun night out, yeah, you go and get yourself a nice sub sandwich. Ah, man. That's not part of the college. And how many of my family? Just one number? Well, it does wind up being part of the college in some ways. It's part of the experience, but it's not part of the college.

If you went to that college, you know that sub place. You can ask for that too, but it is separately because you can have anything. God. I mean, as much as the college is part of the town, I feel like that sub place is part of the college. Yeah. I mean, please. Are we thinking of Cluck U? Well, there's also.

The chicken subs? The spicy chicken subs? Cluck U? Cluck U. Yeah. You call them up late at night. That's true. You get Cluck You and you get Gil College.

Oh, man. You know, every time you say it, it's like a dagger in my... Wait, so how many family members are we talking here? I think it has to be one, at least one. Could it be one that's dead already? Ooh, how does that work if he's trading that? Yeah, how does that work? I think it works that, yes, you can trade the one that is dead already and you get a college.

Done. You know, Hayes, I didn't realize it, but we're playing Would You Rather. We're playing Would You Rather, like, on the show that everybody likes. Now I can see... People might really like this. Now I could... Well, I can't say that that's what I was setting out to do originally, but if people listen to it and they like it,

then, well, that's great. Yeah, and now you can see a little bit of the appeal when you make it personal. So, there's more questions, and the questions are going to come from the popcorn gallery, right, Hayes? Yes. Oh, God. Excellent.

The popcorn gallery, it's time for it now. Let's reach into the popcorn bag and get a question. It's just a boring piece of popcorn or a question. Is this what you want? Okay, well, okay. This is probably... So my friend Mark from high school... This is actually worse.

I actually consider that to be worse than what was going on before. Go on. So my friend Mark from high school records these sound drops for us. Okay. And they were pretty fun for a little while and just sort of a neat thing to do where we simulate reaching into the bag and then he got kind of lazy with it i think and once he first he got eerily prescient and then he got kind of lazy and was just repeating what he just heard in the show and hayes become upset and i feel like this is directed at hayes

he's going okay did you just want something Well, my impression was that he wasn't taking her responsibility seriously. There was a time when he would think really hard about what he was going to do with his sound draft. What do you think happened? I think because he feels like he has some security, because he's Sean's friend, that he thinks he can get away with almost anything, including saying it's just a boring piece of popcorn. I also happen to know that he won $850 on a scratcher. And so I think that a little bit he's feeling like...

On top of the world. Above the gig, yes. Well, if he thinks he's going to stop the whole segment. It was a cash word, and he spelled six different words. Gil, this is from Chanson. Chanson? Chanson, yes. Great name. is from Chanson. Chanson. Yes.

Great name. Don't encourage him. Please. Sorry. What doesn't your IMDb page say that you'd like everyone to know? God. You know, what it doesn't have on the pages is my height. And people, when they see me, they're alarmed that i'm four foot nine they get weirded out they're like this guy's you know should be much taller and then they see me

and then i'm very short well that's because you're a chameleon i mean acting wise you're a true chameleon yeah and so you become these imposing charactersous, gargantuan freaks. Whether you're playing mean boss or sexy secretary. Or Gojira. Oh, when you portrayed Gojira in a pretty successful film. Yeah, that's true. Any of those characters. And I guess so they expect something. But I feel like all the greats, Tom Cruise, whoever, they were all under 5'3".

Tom Cruise is 5'2". No. But I think you guys have some similar tricks, which is you stand very close to the camera. We do. And that makes you look so big. So big. Much bigger. Yes.

And you're both in incredible shape because whenever they try to move that camera away from you, you are just way faster than all the camera guys in Hollywood. That's true. And so you always stay big. I do. I mean, I wish. That is great, stay big. Stay big.

I wish I could get that on a T-shirt. And they say there's no small parts, only actors who are too far away from the camera. That's true. That is a common saying. Stay big. Is there another question? I don't know.

Let's check in the bag. Yeah, I'm jerking off. You fucking... There you go. Wow. Terrible. That was Mark again. I'd rather do nothing.

I don't need to hear the sound of popcorn if it's going to be followed by that. Well, let's talk to him. I mean, let's have a conversation because this is, you do this on the show. I'm just saying, I don't want to write the guy off. Can I be honest? If I knew that was going to be the sound, I might have i might not have come i wouldn't have asked you to come and hear something like that okay i had heard the sounds just so we can hear oh my god okay i had heard the sounds and i considered playing some sounds from an old program some more just generic like yummy popcorn

or um you know things like that yes the early ones were all about how tasty the popcorn was. Yes, initially it was that the popcorn was buttery or this was a fluffy one. And then he went in a lot of directions, like there was a dragon in there. Yes, at one point his hand is in his soda, and that seemed to really open us up to, yeah, now he's a dragon, he found some car keys or a piece of paper with a coat on it and then that you know went to the safe um but you know there's so were some interesting journeys we took uh and now maybe he feels like hayes didn't appreciate the creativity or something but i mean these are directed at you i feel like well i think the people who are really the victims of these is the guests like Gil,

people who come on the show expecting to hear a good popcorn sound. Should I have just played some old sound clip? People will know. This reminds me when in one of my one-man shows, I bring my new fiancé over to my house, and my parents are arguing. They won't stop. They're at each other's throats. They're like, you overcooked the roast beef.

And my mother is like, I'll give it to you. And they go at it. And I'm like, uh, please. I'm like pulling on my collar as, and I got this like huge collar built for the show that just extends across the stage just so I can go yikes and uh my i'm like why are you arguing in front of my fiance and i feel like the fiance here i feel like you're my you know you're the parent what's the fiance saying in all this she's like uh i think we're gonna call the wedding off oh and then you guys would and that's the end of the that's the

intermission that's when we hit the intermission and then you come back and you guys would and that's the end of the that's the intermission that's when we hit the inter and then you come back and you guys would naturally have to make up yes and what comes next is the sex yeah that's right yeah and then i'm fucking how does that go yeah well i'm having sex with my fiance my fiance i'm having i'm having sex with my fiance and my parents are are there it's so awkward yeah because what you're have you ever it's so awkward it's like they're not even in another room and i'm like oh i'm gonna i'm gonna push it into you me i'm gonna push it into you me style you know uh and then i'm gonna push it into you me style and then my parents are like uh they get the collars and they're like uh it's getting a little hot in here and i'm like oh yeah mom oh mom and then i we don't even realize half an hour into me giving my fiancee the come of her life

i turn around and my parents are just their jaws are on the floor they can't believe it and they were behind you yeah they were behind me the whole time. Yeah, and they were locked in the room, too. They were locked in the room. I had locked it. I didn't see them. And it's unbelievable. It's just unbelievable.

The having sex in front of your parents in the big collar. It's just so, yeah, the collar makes it, too. You got to see the collar. Here's a question from NWN. Good evening, Gil. Why don't kids build tree houses anymore? They're always on their phones now? I hate it.

Thank you. Wow. I think kids are stupider. I don't know if you guys have run into, do you guys talk to many children? It's this trophy stuff. What trophy stuff? Everybody gets a trophy. Do you have that experience?

Oh, the trophy. Oh, like everyone gets one of your special kind of a thing. Seems like you wipe your... I don't have a great way to say this. Your butt. Well, okay, we'd rather... Oh, you guys... Actually, the exact word that I was hoping to avoid.

But it seems like you do that, and it seems someone's there to hand you a trophy. Yes. And you do anything, and you get a trophy. The kids now, which is not good training for the real world, where you actually have to win a trophy. And speaking as somebody who's done that a few times it ain't easy it wasn't for wiping you know for what for what for what you know wiping like reaching behind me with the tp and wiping the the stuff this stuff if i gone to If I had, you know, in the toilet room, if I did that.

You took a dump? Sorry. I'm sorry. I just, I don't see why it's. Here's a question from, let's reach into the bag oh fuck this fuck they fuck you ace that's it wow that was an extra long grab first of all well yeah the grabs almost sarcastically long yeah it's almost like he was thinking of how to hurt me the most. Yeah, like what was even worse than basically pretending to jerk off or whatever.

He said the worst thing he could possibly say. This guy has it out for you. He's not even my friend. I've been hosting this show the whole time. I don't even know this guy. We've exchanged like two emails when we were like setting all this up those were really funny emails

totally polite with him yes I had some very funny things I was doing in that email here's a question from corpse fucker shit lord question is dear gail usually that name gets a laugh usually it does

and I wonder what it is in this case it didn't really seem to hit what's the vibe in the room Dear Gil. Usually that name gets a laugh. Usually it does. And I wonder what it is in this case. It didn't really seem to hit. It's the vibe in the room. Usually someone will hear the name and go, like that. Not a huge laugh. No.

It'll get something. Well, it doesn't. When you go, you know, this is from someone named, and then you just don't think that name. That's not a name normally. No, it's not. It's a crazy name. Yes. Yeah. Someone will go, the then you just don't think that name. That's not a name normally. No, it's not. It's a crazy name.

Yes. Yeah. So it'll go. The thing you do is go like, okay. Like that. That's another thing you can do. Can you say, can you give me another chance? Yes.

This question's from CorpseFuckerShitLord. Oh, okay. That was good. Yes. Okay. Dear Gil, the technology to filter the salt out of water exists and has existed for a long time but there are still water shortages in some parts of the world why doesn't somebody just build a large-scale water purifying factory and take a bunch of the water from the ocean and turn it into fresh water wow uh god uh this guy's a little late to the game um i agree and you know what i mean i feel

like that's being done you know what i'm sorry i feel like that's being done you know uh if there's no way that's not being done right there's no way there's no way someone's not doing that i read that question and i had that same thought like it's happening it's gotta be guys late to the game yeah it's gotta be i yeah where and where was he yeah it looks like corpse where it was corpse shit load fucker yeah when you need you know where it was good yeah good yeah yeah that's good and so he's late to the game but why why because he's not paying attention to the news he's probably on his he's not paying he's not paying attention to the news he's probably on

his app yeah you know or in this case his corpse fucking app you know and just like someone dinged in into the corpse room and he's all about the corpse you know and he's not listening yeah that's in his name so now you are really enjoying his name you know i'm compensating because i uh i didn't whoa whoa whoa i didn't think it was unusual before and now I feel like I have to keep saying it. Whoa, whoa, whoa. You're compensating. I wasn't picking that up at all. You seemed...

I am. You seem totally in control. What's going on? I'm compensating. Well, what's going on then? Well, I just feel like I didn't... Gil, as a comic known for your honesty, almost exclusively...

I know. I'm breaking down right here, okay? Because I heard the corpse fucking thing, and I didn't think it was weird, all right? It's something that actually hits home with me. And that's why you didn't say, okay. Yeah, that's why I faked it. You said, like, okay, like that. Yeah.

It was more of a, that's normal. Okay. Like that. Yeah. It was more of a, that's normal. Okay. All right. If you guys weren't here, I probably would have said, all right. I guess I should have known that from the one-man show you did about your Puerto Rican great grandpa. And he made you basically fuck a voodoo corpse that he had done voodoo on. Hey, Billy!

Hey, Billy! Why are you fucking that quince? No, no, no, not a quince. A corpse. A lot of it is inspired by Mrs. Rosie Pettis. Yes, I mean, your grandfather in the show calls you by the name of Woody Harrelson's character in White Man Can't Jump. Some of the lines are completely... I wanted people to get the reference.

Because a lot of times they're just like... You know, your audience is just dumb as shit. And so I had to say like, you know... Hi, Billy! Hi, Billy, you're going to fuck this dead body, Billy. Then you go on Jeopardy. Oh, man, Billy. The Stooky Brothers.

The Stooky Brothers. The Stooky Brothers. Stooky Brothers. Stooky. Stooky. Stooky. The Stooky Brothers are coming, Billy. You got to what?

You bet all the money on the game? Oh, Billy, I can't believe you're going to. And also, I'm your grandpa. Yeah. You know, I get the grandpa in there, too. So I should have known you wouldn't find that name unusual because I did see that show. Yeah. Well, that's about it.

Thanks so much for coming. Please, everyone who listens, please rate us on iTunes. And talk to us on the forums. And we love reading what you say and deciding whether or not to respond. And usually, not really. Almost never do. And then like the Facebook page. Doesn't really seem to be worth it from our perspective.

Yes. And the Facebook. And please buy the pro version of our podcast. There's a lot in the box this week. We had to get a bigger box. Had to get an even larger box. And it's not just one big thing. It's a number of big things in the box this week that we're sending home.

And who bought the pro box this week that we're that we're sending home uh and who bought the pro version this week i think it was slinky dink yes that's right slinky dink bought the pro version and he gets his very own one-man show from none other than gill oseri and he's to do a whole show about Slinky Dink. Yeah. Right now, right? Oh, yeah. Yeah, okay. 1939. Hi, welcome to the elevator, Slinky Dink.

You're going to the top floor. Top floor. Your life. into the top floor top floor your your life slinky dink walks out and sees the horizon i am slinky dink and i'm the champion i'm sorry guys i uh i gotta stop oh go you know what I was gonna do is have slinky dink have sex with a dead body I was going where I it's almost a little bit

of a crutch for you it is you know what I can we not maybe put this into the into the show I just feel bad about it Nah we already recorded it

Bye This has been an Earwolf Media Production Executive Producers Jeff Ulrich and Scott Aukerman For more information visit Earwolf.com Earwolf.com.