Hollywood Handbook - Guy Branum, Our Close Friend

Episode Date: July 30, 2018

Sean and Hayes do a show with GUY BRANUM, author of his book "My Life as a Goddess," to help Chef Kevin with something.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. So I'm sitting there with Elizabeth Perkins, and we are inventing shoe glue. Something we had talked about for a long time. You know how it takes so long to fix up your whole shoe, the string, the messy string. Yeah. This is, of course, special glue where you take these pieces, the shoe pieces, and you attach them to each other with the special glue. This seems like it would be a cobbler's best friend.

Thank you. So this is what we were saying. The cobbler, the job as it is, is so difficult. But with the special glue, they only have to do it once, and then it's always on. And then when you go to sleep, you don't want to sleep with your shoe getting everywhere, so you put the special bag on it. Right. So a couple of things that come up for me as possible issues.

So a couple of things that come up for me as possible issues. Do you end up gluing your hands to your feet? So Elizabeth did do that a couple times. She developed a sort of way of moving around after that. Right. Okay. That was actually very, you know, she's like a very physical actress. She's a tumbler.

I mean, you can see that that's in her background. Yes, and so she was able to incorporate that into Wilma Flintstone. If you remember, Wilma Flintstone's hands

I'm remembering now. are attached to kind of the heels of her feet. But she was like, oh, this is like caveman stuff. And it worked.

It actually really did work. It worked really well for me, and that's why that movie is what it is. I mean, it's like a cultural touchstone. Yes. So we did end up using, we didn't have regular glue, we used soda. Because soda, we've discovered, becomes

very sticky when it gets on your hands. when it gets hot. So it was hot soda. It was Pepsi Twist, which at the time people were really talking about what else can we do with this stuff. We were finding new uses for Pepsi Twist. At the time, it was like a very exciting discovery. Well, yes. When Pepsi Twist first emerged for our younger listeners or for people who just don't remember,

we knew we were on to something. We had something big and we were happy, but we knew it didn't end at just drinking. Are we just going to drink this? Yeah. It was the Diet Sprite remix of its time. Yes, that's right. So we finished the shoe. remix of it's time. Yes, that's right. So we finish the

shoe. We realize we have our shoes are stuck to each other's shoes. So we are sort of a rat king. Of course. Are you familiar with that? Yeah, it's when all you sort of cast all the rats into the same area

saying like, we'll get rid of this, we'll get rid of this. And then they sort of emerge now as a giant ball of one huge powerful rat that's comprised of all the many sort of peasants that you cast out. Yes. And then, of course, other people see us doing this and then they all start doing it too. And we get huge.

We become this huge ball. Yeah, it's sort of like a flash mob. Yeah, so that was Improv Everywhere. That was the beginning of Improv Everywhere. Hey, welcome's sort of like a flash mob. Yeah, so that was Improv Everywhere. That was the beginning of Improv Everywhere. Hey, welcome to Hollywood Handbook and Insider's Guide to Kicking Butt and Dropping Names in the Red Carpet Linebacker Hallways in this industry we call showbiz.

We love performers. We love stand-ups. We love laughing. We love hosts. We love writers. Books. We love book writers. We love hosts. We love writers. We love book writers. We love television writers. Smart stuff.

And what if I was talking about— You need to get 50 guests to have all those things. But what if—so this could actually be really funny. We're not going to fit all those guests in the studio, all those things you described. So imagine this. What if all those people could be one person and it's one guy and his actual name is also Guy? So that's a little riddle. I wonder if this, like if we think about who this could be, and maybe someone in the room has an answer for who, what this, the answer to the riddle.

And you say. Hello, I'm Guy Branum. I am a television writer, a television host, stand-up comedian, periodically performer, and may I just say, getting a hand-cobbled shoe these days.

Oh, my God. I mean, it's hard with all of these mass-produced Chinese shoes flooding the market. Yeah. We don't like to weigh in on where the shoes come from on what race the shoe is. I mean, but also with the coming trade war, we have to be prepared to meet America's needs

on our own. Yes. And I'm really excited that you're doing more to increase like domestic shoe production. But you know, when I get a hand cobbled shoe, I want the nails. I want the little nails that are attaching the sole to it. I just feel like there would be, I would feel incomplete with a glued shoe. We offer cosmetic

nails, I just want to say. Just the top part, you can glue on. It doesn't have the pointy part, which is, in my opinion, the worst part of the nail. It has the top that glues on so it looks like it's stabbing through there, but I can always tell.

And I think having the full nail is a status thing. And I think maybe it's time to let that go. I mean, that's fair. I want to say I'm worth this much nickel, you know? And maybe that's me just being consumed in capitalism.

Yeah, I think we have to sort of recalibrate the way we think about brands. And how important it's been traditionally to be the guy who has the nails in your shoes so that everybody knows. Or just like a blob of raw nickel to convert into nails. This is not something that everyone, the economy the way it is now, not everyone has the sheer nickel to make nails out of.

I'm as guilty of it as everyone. Obviously, I had the chain with the big hunk of nickel hanging off of it, and I would sort of show up to the shoe store. Can I ask you boys a question? There's been a lot of talk recently about universal basic nickel. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Bernie Sanders, and I just want to say, do you think that

that's a good idea, or it's going to stop people from working hard to get the nickel you need? So this is interesting. I watch Alexandria Damasio. Ocasio-Cortez? Yes. I watch her do this thing, and to me, it's a good show. She's a great performer.

I think the character is interesting. They're sort of crazy. The stuff they're doing is so wild. I go like, okay, what's next? Yes. But... So I notice where the money is actually coming from, she won't say, and she's not holding it. If she were really ready to back this up, like spending money on all these programs,

she would be having it in her hands to show me. But people are like, where is it? And she's like, oh, I guess it's somewhere else. Well, it's tied up in keyboards. I don't have it on me right now. It's tied up in electronic keyboards. Alexander Casio Cortez. I mean, she's another one of these limousine liberals who, just because she grew up with

all of that keyboard money, thinks that everything, you know, she's not thinking about how it's going to be paid for. I personally wasn't that, like, analytical about her work early on because I just assumed she was a Sacha Baron Cohen character. Of course. Of course. Getting in people's faces, saying ridiculous things like everyone should have health care. I thought just a provocateur. That's funny. faces saying ridiculous things like everyone should have health care. I thought just a provocateur. But then I did notice, eventually I sort of thought that too, but then I noticed that her face wasn't visibly melting off, which is, lately, a lot of his characters have this

interesting quality, which is that their faces are huge. They look like they have multiple layers of face under them. They have multiple layers of face under them. And the heat of the lights is making them slip off the head. Well, it's an interesting thing, too, where a lot of his characters have made the choice to clearly wear a mask. So it's like I think they've done hours of makeup to create this new character. And the character who he's's completely transformed, goes, time to put my mask on. And he sort of clumsily half applies it. Yeah.

Which I guess people do that, right? Yeah. Aren't we all wearing masks? Okay. This again. Yeah, we are. But yeah, it's tough with the Casio woman just because if you grew up like me and Hayes, we grew up in the Bronx, and you had to make your own samba one beat or samba two or your marimba sound or ocarina sound. You couldn't just hit a little keypad at the top.

Trash can lids, brooms. These were our instruments. I mean, we actually don't talk that much about the extent to which 1970s, 1980s electronics were appropriating the experiences of other cultures. You know, like really just sort of reaching out and saying, well, Samba belongs to me now. Yes, that's right. And the demo song that would play when you had the demo button on the keyboard was a traditional song of for me and Trump.

Yes, that had been ours. We came up with that with brooms, trash can lids, a sponge that we would squeeze close to the mic, you know? That's beautiful. Thank you. Can you imagine the sound that would make? Find your sound. So do you ever feel like Stomp is really just a picture of what your childhood was like?

What's that? The Broadway show Stomp. Are you thinking of Shrek? Oh, Shrek was amazing. Shrek does stomp. Yes, he stomps around. He's an ogre. And he is also, I think in some ways, a good representation of how Hayes and I felt was that no one truly saw us for who we were.

And I guess the other Broadway show I really like is the one with the animals. In the Heights. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. That was really a terrible choice for a bad answer to that improv because it sounds terribly racist. Yeah, do you want to just walk it back? Well, we have time. That was what I assumed was going on.

And Sean did say yes, so do you want to now? Me back it up? I go, right. Well, so for anyone who hasn't seen In the Heights, Right. Well, so for anyone who hasn't seen In the Heights, it's this amazing play that, you know, exhibits this beautiful culture. But what you don't know if you haven't had backstage passes like me and Guy is that just offstage, every time a character exits the scene they're in, they are playing with turtles and stuff. So that to me is the Broadway play with the animals. Oh, so you guys were not being bad at all. We just love how sweet they are with their little turtles.

I'm sorry. I am bad at improv. No! Well, you'll fit right in here. The Paraguaman, it was actually a really daring innovation. They cast a dolphin to play a human character. That was one of the first times you ever saw that on Broadway. What did you say, the Paraguaman?

The Paraguaman. I think you're thinking of Portugal the Man. Oh, Portugal the Man. He is a producer of great the Man. Oh, Portugal the Man. He is a producer of great pop hits and also a very fine country since they got rid of the Salazar regime in the 70s.

Yeah. Well, you talk about that a lot in your memoir. Oh, Hayes, you think you're making hilarious jokes. And let's be clear, the Salazar regime does not come up in my memoir. But extinct species from Menorca and Mallorca do show up in my memoir. They show up? They show up.

As characters? Well, just sort of footnotes. Periodically, I decide that I need to explain something about my life with a reference that may not make sense to absolutely everyone. So then I explain it a lot in my book, My Life as a Goddess, available on shelves today. They could have been interesting narrators. Oh. Some of these species, because these are like, they're in heaven and stuff. Be like the beginning of It's a Wonderful Life in heaven for these creatures looking down at a guy.

And they're sort of watching your interesting life. I mean, that feels like a bold step from like respectable literature that hasn't been taken yet. I agree. Having like now extinct creatures narrate a mundane story. I feel like you've almost won the Booker Prize, Hayes. Yes.

It really just takes pen and paper. It's just called the Booker Prize, Hayes. It really just takes pen and paper. It's just called the Book Prize. A booker is someone who writes a book, yes. But this prize is just called Book Prize. Actually, I believe it's now called the Man Book Prize.

Wow, now it can be anyone. Oh, really? That's exciting. Yes. Starting now. Good luck, everybody. Get in there. Now everyone's like, okay, here we go. Like going to be a stampede.

Become a booker. Your book, so exciting. Thank you so much. So many adventures. Yes. It is about me being sad in Northern California and reading a lot and thinking a lot. And then sometimes I talk about TV or movies that I watched. And the beach.

You go to the beach. I don't really talk about going to the beach, but I do love going to the beach. It's kind of implied. It's very strongly implied that you're at the beach. You're near the beach. I mean, it takes place in California, so it is a fundamentally coastal experience. It is something where sea air infuses everything that's going on. But it really is sort of the hydrological cycle from the Pacific Ocean to the Sierra Nevada mountains that really runs things.

Because I grew up in the Sacramento Valley. So it is that process of evaporation and precipitation which allows all of the fruit trees to grow and my homeland to be flooded and be full of rich soil. And there's a lot of agriculture for a celebrity memoir. Now, Sacramento, of course, is kind of in the cultural ether now with the movie Brad Status. Uh-huh. Can you talk about, do you feel like Brad Status has taken some of your individual Sacramento experience?

Or was it like watching your own life unfold on the screen? I personally was electrified because as a gay man, when I see a movie called Brad's Status, I assume that this is going to be a heartfelt contemplation of a person living with HIV. And let's be honest, it is no longer a death sentence. It is a situation that you live with. It is no longer necessarily a tragedy. I was excited to see that Ben Stiller was there and that we were going to tell a triumphant story of Brad's status.

And then it was about a kid getting into college, and I didn't watch it. They don't say. Don't spoil. I'm sorry. I apologize. I don't know if he gets into college. I've only seen the first half.

I just assume everyone I know gets screeners. Yeah, yeah. Well, in fact, I do get the screeners. What I don't get is how they work. Yeah. It doesn't come with directions, at least that I have been able to see. Yeah. I'm reading them, and I put them on the screen,

like shove them up against the front of the screen, and they're doing nothing for me. You hit the little microphone thing on your Apple TV remote, and you say, Apple TV, screener, and then it figures it out for you. And you look through the hole, the little hole at the end. To see that it's not in the end, actually. It's in, I guess, kind of at the end. But it's in, like, the little hole at the end? To see, it's not in the end, actually. It's in, I guess kind of at the end, but it's in like the middle part. You're saying the middle part.

Yes. To see the show. I should be clear, too. I don't often have the remote because I am in a restaurant when I'm doing this. Okay. I don't have a TV in my home. Very few places will give up control of the remote. Yeah, they'll change the

channel for you, but they won't necessarily say, like, here you go, go nuts. I think consuming media communally is a beautiful choice. I mean, we are so isolated in our lives these days. Thank you. I want to watch the State of the Union at a gym. I think being surrounded

by my fellow Angelenos who are not wealthy enough to be at Equinox but are too wealthy to be at 24 Hour Fitness and hearing them cheering, reacting while on ellipticals, that's what I want. It's really firing them up. I literally did have that exact experience during the initial results of the election this year. I was on an elliptical while as individual states got called for Trump, a man two ellipticals away from me would go, yes. So that happened to me in the Hollywood Equidox.

And you didn't punch him and you are thus complicit in our current administration. I think so. I was like, I was thinking, what do I do? Like, what would I do? I don't like this. Why are you, what was strange is, why are you comfortable doing that? But also, let's be fair here, okay?

I can't let this go by. You're the one who went to an equinox, okay? You're the one who said, like, will I get sweaty with the people or will I put myself in, you know, an economically restrictive space? And you can't be surprised that this man was wanting, you know, a tax cut for the highest, like, income brackets so that he can afford, you know, even more Kiehl's products at Equinox. I guess that's right.

I guess I'm more like him than I am like the people. Though I have to say your eye skin is amazing. The products that they are giving you are working. Oh, that's so nice. The Kiehl's eye butter that gives you more liquid in your eye. I didn't realize before how little, like, aqueous fluid there was in there. And it was just very watery. It wasn't creamy at all. Nothing's more useful than having, like, full, luscious, like,

for lack of a better term, zoftig eyes, you know? Yes, yes. My eyes have these wonderfuleg eyes. Yes. Thick, buttery eyes. Wonderful curves now. Mm-hmm. Yes. We do want to do something with you, Guy, if you have just one second.

If you have time. If you have one second. I've got the time. I know you have other shows to do. What other shows are you doing to promote this book?

Oh, I am doing all of your favorite podcasts. Throwing Shade, Love It or Leave It, this one where I talked about God. After this, I'm doing Ian Carmel's thing where I'm going to draft Canadians. You're going to make it weird, guy? Oh, wait.

Oh, no. You make it weird? You've never made it weird? I've never made it weird. What? You have to. Oh, God. Look, I have not been able to go through sort of like the big respectable like white male heterosexual cisgendered stand-up comedian asking questions and then gently talking about his own career.

Sort of, you know, like. Not that gentle. Icons. I don't know which episode you listened to. I don't know which episode you listened to. The icons of podcastery, I've really had to work my way through a quirkier set. And I have to say, having two strapping heterosexual white men hosting a show that I am doing makes me ask the question, what have you guys done wrong? Yeah, that's right.

Why aren't you part of that sort of like exalted strata of podcast that I'm not able to get on? We don't strap ourselves for every show. That is something we are doing just for this one because we have a new engineer. And just to remove some of the variables for her, Jordan, we're strapped in because we don't want to have her tracking us around the room. Right. As we do our big physical bits, this one we are keeping it in the chair. A little more contained. It was really hard to strap you guys in.

You wouldn't stop moving. Okay, well, it's for you. Okay, thank you. Also, I just want to say, in an earthquake state, safe. So much safer. You're very welcome. Can we talk a little bit about what you can and can't have hanging on the wall right behind your bed in an earthquake state? Absolutely.

As a native Californian, I think it's one of those things that Sacramento having a moment in popular culture is really raising awareness of, is what should or shouldn't you have hanging above your bed? I have an upside down rhinoceros head, which I'm told in an earthquake situation could be very unsafe. Now, I have a question for you. Could gore me. But is this one of those rhinos who has had their horn medically removed so that people will not kill them for Chinese medicine purposes? Or does it still have the horn?

It has a new horn. Oh. That I give it. Uh-huh. It came without it, but its new horn is a party hat. Oh, that's adorable. Isn't that cute? Though I have to say, if, like, it would be really great to have a real rhino horn

just above the bed, so that you could use the erection, the Chinese medicine erection-giving powers that it has. Just go with a little, like, microplane and grate off a little bit. Yes, a little nutmeg grater. Yeah. Just right into your mouth. Right, and then go to town. Yeah, right before

you go, hey, just give me one second. And then you kind of get up and just start gnawing on the horn. It could be pretty cool. Can we just do the thing that we wanted, just for one second, guys? Yes. Okay, we just do this one second thing. Yeah. Okay.

We have this guy here. His name is Chef Kevin. He's really basic. He is the most boring basic burger bitch who has ever lived. Yeah. But he's a total herb. Yes. Are you familiar with the concept of a herb?

I'm not. Okay. You will be in one second. Okay. But we need ways to profit off of him as part of this show. We put his face on an apron. The apron has not been selling very well. So we see, oh, guy's doing a good piece of business with this memoir.

Maybe we get Kevin to do his little memoir as well. The memoir ultimately would really be an advertisement for the apron. Yes. Which we're underwater on this apron. Have you guys at all floated a chutney line? Oh, that could be really interesting. And then they get the chutney on the apron. They have to get a new apron.

Exactly. If we intentionally make the chutney too messy and maybe don't put the jar lid on all the way, that could be pretty cool. That's really smart. Okay. But let's play out the – so we probably will just do the Chutney now. We don't even need to do the rest of the episode, really, because you kind of already solved it.

Let's do Kevin's memoir thing. Yeah. Just in case. Damn it! And Bosh is upset. And he's sitting down. I could see him sitting down, even though he knows that he's going to come in.

Kevin, are you meditating out there? I see you sitting, just staring at nothing. Hey guys, Chef Kevin here. Yeah, the screen is not on, technically. It is to help get me in a more

relaxed headspace before I come in here. Okay, we would prefer you be more up. It's interesting that you think that's what you should be doing is to be somehow come in at a lower energy than you normally do. Yeah. I mean, you've heard the episodes, right? When you're hearing yourself speaking, are you thinking, man, I got to tone this down?

That's a good point. No, I guess I've never thought that. But I've thought maybe because I've been meditating, I'm relaxed now. You should be doing suicides. That's a lot. I'm going to come in sweaty and stinky, though, and you're not going to like that either. Well, we'll see if I like it. Let's see. Don't tell me what I'm going to come in sweaty and stinky, though, and you're not going to like that either. Well, we'll see if I like it. Let's see.

Don't tell me what I'm going to like. Don't tell me what I'm going to like. We try it once, then Hayes tells you to do something else. Yes. Okay. And can we say, hello, Guy. Thanks for coming. Hello, Kevin.

Jesus. Congrats on the book. I heard it's awesome. I'm so excited to read it. Thank you. Yeah. Kevin, can I just learn a little bit more about you as a chef? Okay. All right. Here's my question for you, Kevin. If you were doing the Top Chef season one quickfire challenge where they had to go into a

gas station and get things from a gas station with only $30 and then make a real high end dish. I think you remember it. Two people made Krispy Kreme bread pudding. I believe Leanne won. What would you make? I would probably get donuts and a Snickers bar and Mountain Dew and make like a croissant with like a dash of Mountain Dew. I got a feeling when they showed up to judge like your meal from the quick fire, you'd just be just finishing polishing off the stickers in Mountain Dew, having not even touched a pad. It'd be like, I didn't get it plated in time. You make a croissant out of donuts, multiple donuts. Yeah.

Which they don't have at every gas station, by the way. Yeah, but what's the brand? They're kind of like, they're in packs of three. The package ones? Yeah. The Drake ones? Yeah, Drake Donuts. Okay.

I just had an idea. Okay, Shane, no, stop. Yep. You're on the West Coast now. I mean, like, you guys live here and you enjoy our weather. Don't fucking play a Drake's Cakes game here. This is hostess country. We're Donnie Madison and you have some goddamn respect.

He's from Napsterville, Illinois. I'm just speaking his language. I don't care. You're in LA right now. It's not humid. Act like it. I didn't even do it. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry about that. That's Donets. But I had an idea, which is if we could get to. And Jordan, I just want to say normally when a host gets like that with me, normally the engineer will protect me. Oh, okay. Yeah. Well, as a guest. I mean, he's become the host because he has dominated us.

Well, he is a host. Yes. Wait, I thought all of you were strapped in. Well, somehow Guy has managed to loosen his straps and was able to just destroy us. I'm not doing my job. And so usually there will be a diving. Usually I will see an engineer, Sam, usually an engineer, Ryan, diving in front of me when something like that happens. And I was looking and I did not see that.

And then I looked and you were still in your chair. I once attempted to shoot Andrew T. of Yo, Is This Racist? Co-host. A daring, a very daring and brave engineer jumped in front of him, took a bullet, is still in a coma. That was Engineer Frank. And I had to have respect for that.

And Andrew and I are better now. I have to learn so much. What precipitated the attempted assassination? Was he saying that it wasn't racist or that it was? He was saying that it was racist. Okay, come on, Andrew. Everything can't be. I just had a little moment of white fragility.

And so, you know, I did what you would expect. Yeah. But I did have an idea, and it's maybe too long ago to go back to this. But whoever does have a contact with Alexandria Casio Cortez's people, it could be a cool prank type character to get onto Top Chef. And then every time they say go for the challenge to just eat the food. And then every time they say go for the challenge to just eat the food. I think that would be kind of thrilling to watch. To walk over and be like, hey, what you working on, Andrew?

And then it's like, oh, I'm making a gnocchi from the, and then go like, oh, sounds pretty good. And just start munching. And you might be able to make it a couple weeks by not being actively bad. There usually is somebody who makes something disgusting in the first, like, three episodes, and you can skate by. I would really like that. So, Kevin, we're helping you with your memoirs, of course,

the famous thing that we've been doing for a long time now. Okay. Guy is here to help you spice up some of your life stories. If you could just tell Guy one of your best stories. Okay. Kind of like the one that you told us last week about some internet conversation you had that was very boring. Remember, there was one about going three weeks early

to try to see the Mr. Rogers documentary. That was a pretty good story. Yes. So when the, well, when I thought the Mr. Rogers documentary was going to be. No, don't tell that story again. No, but just give us some. Everyone heard that one, but we're just giving you examples. I saw Equalizer 2 in theaters, and there was no one there.

Well, there was a couple people there. And the guy behind me snored through the last hour, and it was distracting me. And I didn't feel comfortable waking him up or shouting or something, so I just kind of took it. And he just snored over the last hour. But there was only a couple people there. Why didn't you just move seats? That was, yeah, that would have been. Kevin, let me tell you something.

This is chapter one. All right. No, I think that this is a beautiful story to start out with because I think what a book needs these days, let's be honest, you're not a major celebrity. You're a mid-level celebrity. You have to have an angle that is sort of like leveraging these stories that are still hollywood and glossy and making them relatable to people and i think that that really is a story about you tell the world how to treat you okay

you go into this world and you're sending out messages about what you're worth and what you're saying to the universe is i am worth having someone snore so that I cannot properly hear Equalizer 2. That's true. And I didn't even move seats. Were you at a theater that had assigned seats? Were you at the Arclight of the Grove? Yeah, and I feel an obligation to stay in that seat. Okay, yeah, and at this point in American democracy,

the rule of law is hanging on by a tenuous thread. And it really does take strong Americans like you believing in and supporting the law as it exists, even though you could get away with something. And I really feel like there's some political grandstanding there that won't be at all valuable for promotion. You need to go conservative with this book, okay? valuable for promotion, you need to go conservative with this book. Okay? You need to say,

and then I shot that guy because I was somewhat scared of him. Oh, gosh. And that's okay, and I should have a gun with me at all times. Is there any other stories I could tell that maybe would have a different angle? You're the one with your own story. Yes, your story.

Come on, Kevin. I've never met you before. Though let me ask you a question. We've met a couple times. That's okay. Have we? Yeah, four or five times. Wait, you were here for?

Who charted? Yes. Yeah. I'm sorry. That's okay. Maybe that's the story. Imagine remembering. Imagine being like, oh, yeah, Kevin.

That guy left a really big impression on me. Hey. That would have disturbed me. He is a beautiful little boy. He's got facial hair that's growing that looks like it didn't grow from his face. It looks like he was in a fifth grade production of Our Town and someone used spirit gum to apply it to his face. Kevin, can I ask you a question? Sure.

Well, first of all, let me just say, next time you meet me, make an impression. But the other thing is, at a darker moment in my career, I ghost wrote a book for one of the men on million dollar listing la and so i wanted to just say to you have you ever sold a house in the bird streets of west hollywood because if so i can turn this into a book um what's the closest thing you have to that experience um well i sold my car last year and my neighbor asked for my parking spot. And when she said, how about I give you a hundred? Or I said, okay, it's a hundred dollars. And she said, how's 50? And I said, no. And she said, we're doing 50. And I said, so now every couple of months she pays me and I have to ask her, she normally doesn't pay me. So like, that's pretty similar.

So that kind of negotiation is a little similar to the million dollar listing, $50 parking spot. So this really is a business book. This is a book, I think it's somewhere, it's in self-help, but it's somewhere in between business and talking about confidence.

Well, the entrepreneurial spirit is still alive in America, and I feel like Kevin's the best example of that. But also I believe, Kevin, like going on a journey in your own life during the process of writing this book where you go from thinking, hey, my parking spot is only worth what she tells me, to saying, hey, my parking spot is worth at least $85. Yeah.

You know, I think that could be a beautiful journey. Yeah. Maybe I'm sharing all that could be a beautiful journey. Yeah. Maybe I'm sharing all these stories of what I did wrong so that the reader knows what to do right. Right. One thing you could do is stack up a bunch of pumpkins in the parking spot and go, hey, I'm not moving these pumpkins until you pay me what it's really worth. And then afterwards you could like make a pie.

I mean, what is, But what is he supposed to do during the spring, summer, and winter? I mean, winter, I guess you still have fall squashes. But during the summertime, you think he's going to be able to get enough summer squashes? Winter, Christmas trees. Summer, maybe some kind of playground or something

for kids. There's a lot of stuff that you can do with this parking spot year-round. In summer, maybe you put a bunch of super soakers in there. And then when she tries to park, you blast her. What if that's the book? Each chapter is like a different season and how it went. Putting different stuff in the parking space. I don't think that's a good idea.

How much of a historical view of the parking space would we get? Would we look back to a point in time that it was co-opted from Native American peoples? Would it be a book fundamentally about how all land in this country is that? Yeah, I noticed we never heard how Kevin got the parking space in the first place. I have a feeling it could possibly have been stolen from Native Americans. Does that ring a bell, Kevin? We don't have to go through the history. We could just start at the present time. But that's the adventure, Kevin. I feel

like you really need to tell, I mean, if you tell a story that begins with you being fixed, it's not a story. But if you give us an adventure and you say, hey, I used to be someone who stole parking spaces from Native Americans, but now I'm a better. I think that that's good, not great. What's great is

I started out better. Now I am someone who steals parking spaces from Native Americans because we need more conservative pundits. We don't have enough. I'd love to see you break bad, re the parking spot. Kevin, you have a friend named Darius, no?

That's right. Guy, can we do anything with that? He built a dresser for me yesterday. Are we talking about all in a single day? Yeah, yesterday after work. I told him I bought a dresser. Is he an elf from a fairy tale? No.

Does he cobble shoes? Because I've been looking. I wish. No, he's just really good at building stuff. Okay. shoes because i've been looking i wish no he's just really good at building stuff okay uh so i sat on my bed and complained about work as he built a dresser for three hours what'd you say oh i just said you know times are tough and without specifics did you mention the guy never remembers you yeah i was like well i saw him when howard was on the couch and this was the second time i've seen him and he introduced himself again

and at this point I didn't say like, oh yeah, we've met. So I guess it was on me. You're doing a different glasses thing that you don't always do. Yeah, I'm wearing them today. Has it ever crossed your mind that I am just pretending to not remember you

because I'm enchanted by your narrow waist and boyish complexion and I'm trying to not make this seem uncomfortable. We all saw what happened to Les Moonves. That's true. I guess I should be thanking you. So, like, Darius,

the construction of this dresser, did it represent an emotional journey for him or the two of you? Was he getting over the loss of a small child, something under six? I mean, once we get into school-aged years, it's not as emotional. But was this really like a woman under the – I was trying to remember the name of a book that moms read in the 90s, but I really couldn't.

Sure. Yeah. Me too. Yeah, probably – Wait, you were trying to remember the name of a book that moms read in the 90s, but I really couldn't. Sure. Yeah. Me too. Yeah, probably. Wait, you were trying to do that too? Yeah. Why? Trying to remember the name of a book that women read in the 90s?

For her to help guides. Like a Danielle Steele thing? No, more like Knights in Rodanthe, Snow Falling on Cedars. Like I had a great, Prince of Tidy. Joy Luck Club. We've had a lot of success with Amy Tan references in the last couple weeks. I mean, look, at the end of the day,

I'm always going to be Maxine Hong Kingston, man. But Amy Tan, she did a whole lot to take that mainstream and also gave us the Joy Luck Club movie. And anytime Rosalind Chao gets work, this guy's happy. So sorry, Kevin. That's okay. You were telling me what Darius was working through in the process of building that dresser. Yeah, I think he is working through

his own career. He's trying to build up from nothing. And so he's working just with simple pieces of wood and trying to build something beautiful. Are you comfortable being sort of like a Nick Carraway in your own memoir where you're really just observing somebody else's more interesting journey through and around American capitalism?

Yeah, I think that'd be kind of fun. I call that. I call that. I call being Nick Carraway. I call it. Yeah. Sorry, Kevin. That's okay.

So I guess no, I got it. That was a good name for your cool character in the book, too. Hell yeah. Your favorite seed. Oh, yes. No, it can be so good in like Havarti or whatever. I'm sorry. It's a lot of licorice flavor.

For me, if you're going with a licorice-flavored seed, I'm always going to go fennel. Okay. And I respect that, but I think I stated pretty clearly that it's in a Havarti, so there's a nice creaminess in Havarti.

That's fair. Kevin, do you have any stories from your childhood that we could workshop? Sure. I got lost in the woods once when i went on a run you went on a run as a child yeah uh it's not called going on a run at that point yeah just called running i'm sorry this gives so much context and emotional weight to your narrow waist and are we completely ignoring the possibility that this is a

book about surviving body image issues and possible sort of food issues? That's great. I think that's definitely the path we should go. Food issues for Chef Kevin? Oh, wow. That's a journey.

That's a full circle. Kevin, can I get something? And Jordan, I need you to look alive. That's a full circle. Yeah. Kevin, can I get something? And Jordan, I need you to look alive. Just real quick while we have you. We need to plug in you saying something to protect our guest. Can you just say, in the heights? In the heights. Oh, Kevin.

Oh, Kevin. Jesus, man. God. No. Terrible specific. Come on, Kevin. You did get that, Jordan? Yeah, I got it.

I feel terrible. Why didn't I just say Mamma Mia? Why didn't I just say Mamma Mia? Yes, that would have crushed. It would have been hilarious. Oh, here's a question. Just for the sake of your memoir. Do you know definitively who your father is, and did your mother ever own an inn on a Greek island?

Because if so, I think we may have an angle. No, but they can. What's your closest life connection to that kind of thing? My parents own a house in Wisconsin, and they think it's like super rad are we talking like door county or oh lodi it's a very small town there's population like 2000 there's a lake house yeah i'm i'm sorry if you're doing upscale vacationing in wisconsin i want door county or the dales like i'm not I'm not fucking around with this shit. Yeah.

Look, there are a lot of lakes up there. We've all got lakes up there. Something charming on Lake Michigan, that's what I'm looking for. That's some self-respect. I agree. It's embarrassing for them.

Defend your parents. Lodi sounds like a Lodi horse shit to me. Hey, leave them alone. Yeah, that was great. Really funny, right? Those are my best friends. So is it possible that your mother, during the course of one of her rapturous summers in Lodi, Wisconsin, was actually romanced by three separate men all of whom might be your father

uh no she was like she stayed at home I feel like now in her life maybe this is my Nick Carraway thing I feel like she's now like realizing like I have a life and I'm gonna go do cool things

and so she's kind of like going on trips and being independent and fun and I'm like that go do cool things. And so she's kind of like going on trips and being independent and fun. And I'm like, that's kind of awesome. So maybe like that's the story. I don't think that happens in any Nick Carraway stories. Oh, I just meant like I'm observing it like from a distance. Okay. We've got an adult child observing their mom who's going on her own journey.

Just have to ask, does she have three friends who also all immigrated to Wisconsin from Illinois, and they all have children, and you guys are learning to relate to each other, to take this back to Hayes' Joy Luck Club point. Like, do you have some sort of white, more accessible Joy Luck Club? And does she also have her groove,

or does she possibly need to get it back? I mean, that's a real question we all have to ask during the course of writing a book. And does she also have her groove or does she possibly need to get it back? I mean, that's a real question we all have to ask during the course of writing a book. I think she's getting her groove. And yes, there are some Illinois immigrants that are coming to Wisconsin who are the same age as me. So maybe there's some parallels here. Kevin, let me ask you just an honest question. How old is your

mom 54 okay let's say and she's still married to your dad 55 yeah okay uh if let's say she happened 56 50 sorry yeah she's getting old very fast we gotta hurry she fucks a dude she fucks a dude not your dad does not break up with him and he's just for the rest of her life, happier and in a better mood. Like her life is better and more healed. Now, your father's feelings aside, would you be happy and comfortable with that? Or would that fundamentally tear you apart? I have so many mixed emotions. I'd be happy that she's happy.

But I feel like it would change our relationship because she has this lifelong lie she's been keeping from me, but maybe it was to protect me. Will it change your relationship when she listens to this show, which she often does? Yeah. She told me she heard that I do my mom thing and I told her she should stop listening. Cool. Yeah. So that might change it. Feels like the kind of thing

she could have just blown past as well. Didn't necessarily have to call you and tell you that you heard it. His mom's creation of drama is what you get a book out of. Having just like a low-key life where you look at Darius do things while you yourself

are inactive, you know. I mean, the novel really is the medium best suited to that. It is an internal story, but I just feel like we need more. And frankly, Kevin's mom is doing most of the work of what I've heard for creating interesting, compelling storytelling. Well, you know who's really doing most of the work? Guy, it's you. I wonder if this memoir is like the Guy sessions, and it's sort of all the stories of the times you met on the couch or the times that you were able to reframe the story or how you built a new relationship for Kevin with his mom and with Darius.

I love that. Thank you. And I just want to yes and you. What if it's Tuesdays with Guy?arius. Like, I love that. Thank you. And I just want to yes and you. What if it's Tuesdays with Guy? Yes. Okay, or no. Even better. The five guys you meet in heaven.

Thank you. And so it's Kevin going, and he goes to heaven, and he meets me and, like, four animals, all named Guy, who had gone extinct at various points in time, and then they sort of, like, guide him through the choices he needs to make, and then he undies and comes back to Earth and builds his own dresser. That's the callback.

We got the animals in heaven and building a dresser, so that is what we wrap up the show on. Okay, yeah, and of course, this is also a callback to a joke I did maybe 200 episodes ago where Tuesdays with Morrie was the answer to the question, what's your favorite album?

Bye! That was a HeadGum Podcast.