Hollywood Handbook - Handbook East with Tom Scharpling

Episode Date: November 16, 2015

Hayes and Tom Scharpling are checking in this week from The Big Apple itself -- New York City! They talk about potential New Yorkers to recruit to the east coast branch of the network, discuss the mega-hit Hamilton, and bond over their favorite NY memories on the phone with Sean.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

this is a head gum podcast so i'm standing there with walter uh midi and i said buddy you need a vacation you look like you need a vacation because he'd been working in the photos and uh he was he has a bully at work he was being bullied and this woman wasn't showing interest in in him and so i said look over there the photos are blowing away and with a one motion while he was looking away i stole the negative for the for the last cover of life magazine and then he had to go on a trip and i think he went to greensland do you not like that story oh that's a good story no i like that that's that happened to you though yes that happened to me and he i saw that he was having trouble

because he had set up this okay cupid profile and he hadn't even finished it even though the representative was calling him over and over again and saying hey why don't you finish your profile but he didn't know anything about himself that made him interesting so he couldn't find anything to fill it in sure okay so it's just like it's because it's that thing where people chase you down yes if you start to fill out an okcupid profile someone will call you personally yes anywhere in the world and they'll meet up with you in person and do you know what the what the last cover was of of life magazine what was it? It was a picture of Walter Mitty himself. Because... I had taken a picture of him, unawares, eating his lunch as he would every day.

Okay. And it was because something about... He was the person that was really the soul of Life Magazine. And that certainly taught a lesson to his bullies. the soul of life magazine. And that certainly taught a lesson to his bullies and that allowed him to stick it to that woman that had dared just to want to be friends with him because she saw him as just a snooze. Yes.

Total simp. Yes. Who, and the only reason she thought he was that is because that's how he acted every day at work. Yes, because he didn't talk to anyone and he wore the same clothes every day. Very nice clothes. She didn't see how magical he was. Yes.

Underneath the way he acted every day at work for years. And the truth is he was in very, very good shape. Yes. For a guy who gets pushed around for a guy working in a photo editing yes you can sort of see his definition through his work shirt uh but but people still looked at him and said this guy's a loser yeah it reminds me me of the guy in the thing who went and met his parents, and then he had to wear a Speedo because they didn't have any other bathing suits. And then he was so super self-conscious of having to wear this teeny tiny bathing suit

with his ripped chest. Yeah. Yeah, he had this really nice body, had people saw his body and they made and they and they laughed yeah hey welcome to hollywood handbook and uh let's do a new york version where it goes and the n wires guide to kicking asphalt and dropping air conditioners. Dropping air conditioners in the asphalt-lined back hallways, back alleys, because of New York. And this industry we call Broadway. Of New York effing city.

Yeah, that's good. And see, this is why we have you here, Tom. This is such a valuable service you're providing because what this episode is, I've been in New York for the last few weeks launching Earwolf East. That's why I'm here. Earwolf, big city.

The title isn't official yet. East Wolf maybe is what it'll be called and we're working with you as someone i'm an la person uh but you grew up here you have your relationships here and yeah this is this is my home this is is my heart. Yes. If they cut you, New York comes out. Yeah, like New York pizza. Pizza sauce. Yeah, so that's why I'm the point guy on this. Yes.

And we're recording this in your studio, which is cute. It's really cute. Thank you. Thank you. There's a lot of cute. I won't say exactly where it is um i had to get on the train and ride it to the last stop yeah and then hide from the the guards the conductors who are coming in to clean the train had to hide under the seat the railroad

the dicks yes and then the train is taken to i guess the yard yes the rail yard and then you're in uh the back car yes of a decommissioned train line yes but i won't say which which yard please don't it's in and i i gotta say you slid the you knew how to slide the train doors open which not a lot of people get that they go out that they everybody's tries like pushes on it a lot push yeah slide out it's like they're just like patio doors yeah i i think maybe the reason people push on them is because there's uh there's like a slime like sort of covering them it's almost like an algae that i guess it's almost like nature is trying to reclaim the this this train it's working pretty hard to try to take it back but we're pushing back against nature yeah it's like it's us then admittedly man let this happen to where nature at some point has to step in and say what have you done with this

gift i gave you yeah and it's making its run at us but we're just like there's like a last stand and it's it's the acoustics in here are better? Is that sort of what the thinking is with this? Well, a lot of it, I'd be lying if I said it's not primarily a financial decision. It's just, it's very affordable. Okay, because that did occur to me. Yeah. I didn't want to assume that things weren't going well at all for me

no they're not i mean i'll i'll say it out loud i appreciate you being uh polite and not saying it but no things are not going well uh my show it's called the best show is uh currently not a part of any family but a part of a big part of this whole kind of me being the point man for Earwolf East and hopefully Wolf Cool East is what I would, I mean, I was going to talk about that later, but I need to be a part of a family. And so, yeah, I made a go at it. It's not going well this train yard is definitely it's scary i will say it's scary uh a lot of these guys don't know what podcasts are and

the worst ones are the guys who do know what they are because they like really weird podcasts and the guys you're talking about are the train yard guys around the flaming garbage can outside this right abandoned railroad car the guys who are slicing up a bean to share yeah and singing doo-wop they're the guys at the beginning of rocky basically yeah but and the way rocky would be like i'm doing it for the people like those are the people rocky did it for like i thought i would have that and then i realized they don't want me doing anything for them okay they hate me and then one time even said i'm doing you know i'm doing this for you guys and then one time even said, you know I'm doing this for you guys, and then that really set them off. Well, I appreciate you being honest. I'll be honest with you as well.

I wouldn't want people to think that we were giving you some kind of payoff for helping us set up the network by giving you a show on the network no i realize that makes sense no no i realize i have to earn that because then people might assume that it wasn't just because of the quality of your show so it's i think it's better if we don't do that at all sure so you look at it as just like and again this is New York. You can, we, this is not Hollywood where everybody's, they love, I love you. And, oh, I want to be in the, the Hollywood handbook business and the, all of that stuff. It's like, this is, this is New York.

It's straight talk. Straight talk. So it's just like, it's like Italian style. This is like, you looking at me? This is like, you looking at me? This is like, forget about it. It's like all that stuff is here. Not LA where it's just like, oh, it's all about the smog. Yeah. And forget about it is a great word to use specifically in this case.

Because I should forget about having a show on this network? Yes. That's sort of the phrase that I was searching for. Yes, that's sort of the phrase that I was searching for. But what a valuable service to be able to sort of provide a liaison and introduce us to some New York people who might want to do, like, might want to work for, like, arguably the premier comedy-based podcast network that doesn't do nerd stuff or, uh, and doesn't have Adam Carolla. Yes. So it's going pretty good so far.

I think. Yeah. Um, uh, cause we sent you a list. Did you get the list of guys, uh, to maybe like check up on?

Yeah. Just like a bunch of New York guys. Oh yeah. Was there any luck? Did you have any luck with that with that list the uh yeah it did not go well initially okay um i had an idea for a thing with neil degrasse tyson sure it was gonna it was called degrasse's greener it's it's uh it's the grass no but it was called de grass because it was his weed it was gonna we were gonna he was gonna hot box the studio every week and review marijuana okay and he was not into that he was like i host cosmos now i can't be doing your hot box show okay so you make it seem like pre cosmos.

This was something he would have been. I thought he'd be game willing to do, but now that he's hosted cosmos. Yeah. Doing a weed based podcast is, is not something he's interested in doing anymore. He, I thought I had a play because it's like,

it's, it's the space guys. I mean, I thought it was like a planetarium thing like yeah because he works at the hayden planetarium yeah and you'd you'd go get like like like a laser floyd kind of thing i thought that's what he would be all about like he'd like listen to you know dark side of the moon and and smoke everyone out and then be like you know pluto's not a real planet guys yeah okay but he what he's not at all like that he's very

serious he didn't he didn't try to smoke you out even once not even once no and then when i hinted at it he flipped out he did again i thought it was it was it was very reminiscent of the guys in the train yard he did not stand for it for a second yeah he went crazy yeah so that did not go on the Slimer. He was really feeling, he wants to see what kind of business this female Ghostbusters does before he signs up because he, he might want to do a show with Paul Feig and, and Leslie Jones. He thought they could do a kind of fun thing.

He really wants to, he's playing it very safe, in my opinion. Okay, see, that's what I was, I was sort of hoping we could get him before he explodes. No, he's like, it's a full-on Cosmos thing with him. Okay. He's, this Ghostbusters reboot is his Cosmos. Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

So, was that a no? Was that a hard no? That was a his cosmos. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So it was at a no. Was that a hard? That was a hard. No. Yeah. And he wouldn't even slime me. I thought it was like, well, can I at least get slimed? And he was just like, he was like, no, I, uh, I'm sort of with, I, I, I understand how

that would be weird for him because most people request a slime. But I thought it was like a kid's choice kind of thing. You know, the kid's choice awards? Sure. But that's different slime, I'm assuming, right? That's not like ectoplasm that they're not actually dumping. That's like ghost excretion. Yeah, it's like, yes.

And they put a bucket on that. Like when you're drawing sap, you know, when you're drawing sap sure sure leaf country yes uh and the slime comes out and then they would pour it on the kids and then sell it they would so they would yeah slimer would sell this sap to viacom yes and so for you i guess to just ask for a freebie, a free sliming, that's for, I guess that's for people maybe he's a little bit closer to, which I guess I thought you were. I guess he thought. I guess you sort of sold yourself as someone who had access to these people. Yeah, I had a.

Then you said you could be slimed by him whenever. You could just call him up and get slimed. I thought I could. And you said that Neil deGrasse Tyson would smoke you up. Yeah. And that Slimer would do a pretty kick-ass podcast.

Yeah, neither of those happened so far. So those are two. Okay, I'm just wondering if this is true now, because you also said that Slimer set you up with the ghost that blew Dan Aykroyd in the movie. And I'm wondering now if that is true. Because if you are that close for that to happen, it seems like you could get a podcast out of him or a slime. Well, what I was hoping that would be, there was nothing lewd about that.

I was looking for a kind of like, because it's New York and it's like the streets. I mean, you don't know. I'm going to say you don't know how it was in times square it was like you'd go there and it was just like okay tattoo parlors and pizza joints and yeah just guys selling just food out of like carts oh wow that's like like like steamer uh trays like hot dogs on steamer trays steamer trays yeah okay buffet style oh wow they were just buffets although you'd go into time square and it would be like you were at like a like a luncheon at a hotel oh but outside they got to clean that up well they did and now it's just the eminem store yeah and and what is

and the relationship between this story and because you claiming that i've been set up on a date with the ghost that blew dead i thought i could get the ghost that blew down akroyd to do like a kind of kind of like down and dirty podcast about just like the way new york used to be okay for ghosts okay you know because i would assume it would have just been like rougher back then and like you know because it was back now it's just like it's like the eminem store and it's all these things it's not like it used to be it used to be you'd go up there and you'd get just like, you'd get like guys would be swinging chains around and gangs and guys in like hockey masks. Yeah. Like the baseball furies.

It was pretty much like the movie, the Warriors toned down how it was at one point. The movie, the Warriors. Really? Yeah. That was a sanitized version of what Times Square used to be like america can't handle this okay i'm sort of wondering if the ghost that blew dan akroyd is the best person to tell that story uh-huh i look i'll admit this

i thought this is how i pictured it going yeah neil degrasse tyson degrasse is greener yeah get that locked down again i go into the meeting with slimer saying yeah hey dude we got this thing locked down uh neil degrasse tyson's on the network um you want to do a thing then he comes on and then just like the ghost that blew dan hackford is just gravy now as like maybe like an event pot like a like a howl howl miniseries like an east howl okay uh what about the pigeon lady from home alone 2 did you go up to the attic in carnegie hall she loves the music and she sits up there and she can always listen to the music.

I thought she would do a very kind of like cultured. Yes. Like a, like live from Lincoln center. It's, it's Carnegie Hall. It's where she lives, but we would do this at Lincoln center is even more esteemed.

I mean, you should see who plays Carnegiegie hall now it's not very impressive when you see the people who are there it's like aziz did it i think well i'm not talking about him i'm talking about more like like yo-yo ma like okay like guys like that yeah i just i think if you know class i like aziz i actually think aziz is great. I do. But I was saying Yo-Yo Ma's garbage in terms of classical music. It's like a very sanitized version of classical music. It's like what they did with Times Square, not to bring it back to that. It used to be cool.

And then now you go there and it's just, it's the M&M store. And it's like, he's the M&M store of classical music. So it would be, okay, live from Lincoln Center, the Pigeon Lady from Home Alone 2, and she would interview Alec Baldwin and get his New York stories or Jerry Seinfeld and ask him about stand-up in New York City and the arts and Tina Fey and Lauren Michaels and just all the people who you just want to know more about. Okay. And did you have that conversation with her? Yeah. She, uh, shot me down pretty hard. She did. Yeah. Neil, uh, called her and said, uh, not that I was bad. She didn't throw pigeon feed on you, did she?

No. Okay, good. What she did do. Because the pigeons are weaponized. Even if you have a gun, they will disarm you. This is what she did do. Apparently, she watched the first movie. Uh-huh.

I went into the meeting, grabbed the doorknob it was hot she apparently had hung some sort of oh wow heat thing on it i scorched my hand i still look i'm holding my hand up you see the imprint of a doorknob on it yeah it's a letter P. And then I'm going up the steps and they're frozen. No. Right? And then I slip. And she's saying lines that that kid says now. She's like, you'll never catch me, stupid.

Yeah. And I was like, I'm not trying to. I'm just trying to do a business proposition. Oh, wait. Sean's calling in? Okay. Sean, are you there? Yes.

Can you just hold on for one second? Can we just pod him down for one second? I want Sean to feel like this is going well. This is big for me as much as it is for you. Sure. This is me on my own. Yeah. So this is bad for you if you come back and say like, he ate it and I couldn't whip him into shape

the dynamic we sort of have Sean is like the funny guy and people are always sort of wondering like what does Hayes do and I want my thing to be like the guy who like gets stuff done like Matt Stone yes exactly I want to be the Matt Stone the facilitator in all this

yes exactly and then Sean's the one who does all the voices yeah and writing comedy and the writing for the show so sean's sean's the one where it's just like it'll be a room full of writers and they're pitching all things out and matt's just like hey i got the lunch menu yeah maybe we should get thai food today and then and and he's like he's like guys we got to get this food order in fast like someone like trey like hates opening his mail sure you know so but then gives him anxiety so then he's like all the writers worked on this thing but i'm just gonna take i'll come back

tomorrow with a full episode written i'll just come in tomorrow and i'll do all the voices of all the characters yeah minus one Minus one. Yes. And this is my one voice. Which is the voice that he does? He'll do like Kyle's father. Kyle's dad. Yeah. Okay.

Because Stan's dad is the funny one. Yeah. Right. Okay. The dad you can't get enough of. This is my Kyle's dad. Yeah. Is setting up Earwolf East.

Okay. Getting some great New York podcasts on the air. And so as we're talking about this with Sean, I would love for him to think like it's really going well. I will not. Sean? New York, New York. Right, guys? We haven't done that yet.

That's really good. I can smell through the phone the delicious, the greasy diners and the sidewalk and all the tall buildings. All the New York feeling. What are some of your favorite? What's your favorite New York memory? We haven't gotten into this discussion yet, but I would love to share some of those. My New York memory.

Well, I guess, you know, the thing about New York is the spontaneity and how anything can happen at any time. And I remember that I went to get one of their famous bagels, which is like a big, doughy, round, you know, food. And I was halfway to the store, and Spike Lee just started kissing me. Kissing?

Yes. He only, it was on my um abdomen but it was so it wasn't you know uh it wasn't as intimate maybe as he would have liked it was just sort of my uh torso thorax uh and i just thought he's only in new york he's York. He's a little guy maybe. Was that... Is he? I thought maybe that's how high he could reach. Should I ask him?

I mean, to me, well, he was lying on a gurney so to me it wasn't necessarily about the height. Oh, yeah. I didn't see him standing up ever. I only saw him lying on the gurney. And I thought only in New York only saw him lying on the gurney. And I saw it only in New York with Spike Lee behind the gurney

just rushing down Broadway Avenue. Well, Tom is here as well. You've got to say hi to Tom. Hi, Sean. What? So what? Oh, hey. Hey, Sean, how are you?

Beth, so it's just one phone line and you can both hear me? Yeah, yeah. Yes, Tom, we can both. So I was talking to you and then Tom heard me say the so what before? I did, but I took that as a very New York kind of thing. It's like, you're speaking your mind. It's New York. Forget this stuff.

Yeah, that's sort of the New York thing. Perfect. Well. Did you want to suggest a good New York podcast to Tom? Oh, man. Have I been thinking about, because I'm so glad we're expanding and getting into where all the action is and where people are stressed and bumping into each other. And isn't that the goal? I want to do something

with, and I hear Tom that you know a guy and I'm pushing my finger on my nose. Do you know what I mean? Sure. No, I gotcha. I gotcha. Uh, I want to do something with, uh, Papa John, Papa John Schnatter. Sure. I've learned a little bit about podcasts and that were the best, most successful podcasts seem to be ones that are recreating sort of a conversation that you maybe would wish was over normally. Do you know what I mean? Like where if someone's just talking about a food, like that is a podcast now. If they just go like, hey, this is what I ate today. So maybe it's Papa John and he's talking about all the pizzas or even the Papa Pack.

Do you know what the Papa Pack is, Tom? I don't. I don't. I don't know if we have that out here, Papa John's. It's like you don't have that in New York. It's very authentic here. We have a lot of rays here. Okay.

Well, this you you do have it and it is as real as it gets in the papa pack which shares you know papa john's first name is i believe two sodas in a bag of chips so i'm thinking maybe that's a whole episode or maybe even a whole season of the show and tom if you feel if you can't get papa john just, just say that. Don't say like, we don't have Papa John's here. Okay. And like, I don't know what a Papa pack is. Just say they won't come to my house anymore because I answered the door in a robe to pick up the pizza or something.

Just say it. Don't act like you don't know what we're talking about. You have Papa John's here. I'll admit it. I was trying to come on a little New York with that and try to just sound a little authentic. Okay. But there's like a, you know. So there's a time and a place for that.

And we're actually trying to make, you know, get something going here. I figure. What if this is the route to Papa John? Okay. JPP. I know the guy. I know the guy. I know the guy who smoothed out the gap.

His nub? Yeah. Okay. I talked to that guy. Yeah. JPP introduces me to number 10, Eli. Eli bounces me to Peyton. Peyton and Papa John are like, they're like tight.

So maybe I could play it that way. Okay. I'm with you up to the Eli Peyton connection. I wonder if during the season, you know, they don't want to be talking to each other when their enemies are playing football. They're not brothers during the season famously. Well, what if they have a bye week?

On the same week? I mean... Can you make that happen? I can check. If you can change the schedule, because I think some of them have already happened. I think maybe both of them have already had their bye-weeks do you think you can get them another one on the in the same at the same time like a bye-bye week like a second bye week yeah i guess that's what you would call it naturally right is it bye-bye week okay i'll see what i can do i mean

i'm dedicated to making this happen and there's been a lot of great progress so far, Sean. And I think you're going to be very proud of me. And by extension, you're going to be very proud of Hayes for pulling it out of me. Well, yeah. I mean, everything I've been hearing is that Hayes is just really stepping up and defining his role. And that's something I think we've all been waiting for for a little while now. And it's so exciting for me. So to hear you excited, Tom, is to hear me excited.

And I'm excited, too. I'm so glad people have been texting you that. About you defining your role? Yeah, has that sort of been the thing that people are saying it's mostly been cyber dust i've been getting mostly cyber dust messages which is sort of like an adult version of social media for businessmen like me yeah um it's mark cuban's uh thing sure that he talks on and and and i talk on it now too and uh so yeah that's that's been where a lot of the chatter has been coming through. So it must be coming from him then.

From Cuban? I mean, that's the only person I know who uses CyberDust. Well, now you know too, though, right? Yeah, but you are receiving the message. So I figured that he must have been the one sending it. Well, okay, so I'm on it he's on it um the corporate offices of kb toys use it for some reason um there's a couple companies there's a couple um uh you know okay business professionals like myself that are doing it there's's a law firm in Illinois. And so it's really hot and just exploding.

And if you want to talk to your friends, but you want to use a way that no one is on or is using now, this is definitely the future. Oh, so you know that I was having to be quiet when you were talking about South Park? Oh, okay. Well, that's a conversation for later. How could you do that to me? I'm sorry, I didn't know that you could hear that. I would never want to leave you out of a South Park conversation. Hello.

Because I know you like to talk about the, the, the, you guys about the anal probe stuff. I want my cheesy poof. Um, Tom, do you know the,

uh, respect my authority stuff? That's when he's on the big wheel. Right. Maybe. Yeah. ta stuff that's when he's on the big wheel right maybe yeah the sean thinks that south park is uh like a series of t-shirts okay yeah and so if the big wheel's not on the t-shirt he only sees so he just knows it's a giant cardman head with sunglasses? Then it says, respect by authority underneath. Okay. Yeah, I don't know what he would be sitting on or not sitting on when he would wear that, when he would say that. Yeah.

No, no. Oh, this is nice. Yeah, Sean, thank you for calling in. Everything, it is really going very nice, and we're having a good time, too. Well, it sounds so good. Can I get a peek, a preview, any big podcasts you guys broke open or anything? I mean, obviously, the Papa John's Pizza Corner, where people talk about a meal they had that you weren't a part of is going to be big. Yeah, a lot of these are at the conversation stage right now.

Tom has spoken to Neil deGrasse Tyson about a show where... DeGrasse is greener? De... Degrass is greener? Degrass is greener, where he smokes people up. And out. Dude. Oh, Chiba, kind buds? Yeah, a little bit of God's green herb. And that is still a discussion that's happening.

Hey, mom. know and and we that is that is still a discussion that's happening uh there's a there's a there's a podcast where uh slimer and the ghost that uh blew dan akroyd talk about what time square used to be like before i guess the eminem store because yeah because sean i don't know if you know how it used i don't know how familiar you are with like time, because it used to be you'd go there and it'd be like porn palaces and switchblades and gangs in the street. And now it's just the M&M store. Oh, no. Right. And so Dan Aykroyd would say that, too. He is not part of it as of yet.

I don't know what the relationship is now between that ghost. I think they had a very bad, I think that was like a hookup that they were both ashamed about. Because he was married to Garth's dream girl at the time. Yeah. And she was furious. She's like, I know all about on set flings but she thought it was going to be sigourney weaver and he's like you did what with who yeah and she said please say your eyes didn't cross but she went when she went down on you

oh right yeah that's right and you could also and he said no sweetie i only i only do that for you and then of course she sees the movie oh yeah that's oh because of the cameras tough and then there's another the um the pigeon lady from homo woad 2 is doing sort of an elevated because she she lives above Carnegie Hall and she loves music. She's doing sort of an elevated culture podcast where she speaks to Alec Baldwin and Tina Fey and Lorne Michaels and people like that. Yeah, and Sean, can I pick your brain for a second on an idea?

Yes. I have a meeting with Danny Aiello, and I'm just not sure I want to come in strong with it and just have the right pitch because this guy I'm not sure what podcast Danny Aiello listens to you know what I mean

he seems like a gimlet loyalist to me yeah I feel like he's definitely checking out the mystery show. Reply All. Mm-hmm. Startup, of course, the original. So I want to come in strong with this, and I could really use your wisdom on this.

Okay, and so you're... So I'm sorry, you have a meeting with him, and you don't know what podcast he listens to and then what's the meeting about about trying to bring him to the to the network bringing him in and really launching him with the right with the right uh hook yeah um i know something that could get you kicked out of that meeting and it's commenting on that how there should be brothers up on the wall so i think you go in there and say i'm glad there's no brothers up on on this wall but i don't know if that's the right approach either because uh-huh maybe just don't mention

it at all i think i might want to say don't bring up brothers right away um do you remember in after hours uh when he went into that one bar where you're not allowed to be in the bar if you go in with a mohawk? And try to what? To mend fences with him? Well, Jesus Christ, Tom, I'm not going to do the whole fucking thing for you. It's not my meeting. But I think I walked you pretty far when I told you the alternative hairstyle that you might be able to wear at the meeting. This is your thing.

that you might be able to wear into the meeting. This is your thing. And by the way, as someone who advertises himself as sort of a New York conciliary type who maybe shouldn't need this kind of help. Okay. Okay. Fair point. Fair enough.

And then Sean takes you nine-tenths of the way there. Yeah. To the red zone. And you think, carry me across the finish line. I want you to go into beast mode. He took me into the red there. Yeah. To the red zone. And you think, carry me, you know, carry me across the finish line. I want you to go into beast mode. He took me into

the red zone. Yes. Right? Yes. And which is where, ideally, you would go into beast mode.

Yeah. You know, because for me, seeing you not be in beast mode when I've got you over, you know,

on the one yard line, essentially, I just go like, does this guy even really want to score? Because quite frankly, I could show up at Danny Aiello's office with a Mohawk tomorrow. I'm sure I'd get a meeting, and I don't think I'd need to plan much of anything to walk out of there with a huge podcast contract into my arm.

Okay, okay. I'll step. You're right. You're right. Okay, Sean, I know you have to go. You said you had a hard out. Yeah, well, that was like a dirty joke I was

making. Oh, okay. What would that refer to? Well, I just know that people use the word hard on to mean like friggin', you know. Like you've heard that?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. When it gets like that before you like finish. So I just was sort of playing off of that. Okay, so you don't have to go? No, I'm good.

Why, what do you want to talk about well we we should do an ad um we we don't actually have any paid ads this week uh so we could do just some like new york style ads like you know ads for some like big new york uh institutions sure and stuff. Okay. What? Well, Tom is the New York guy. I mean, what should we, you know? Okay, I'll do one. Hey, everyone, when you're in New York and you really want a taste of that New York superhero flavor,

come to Times Square and meet Iron Man. come to Times Square and meet Iron Man. Yes, his costume is plastic, and he's got a tag that has his actual name on it because people have been doing weird stuff in those costumes. So legally, he's not Iron Man, but come on by with some money and get your picture taken with iron man and ask him about what's going to happen in the upcoming civil war i i have one uh when you're in new york you gotta check out the 9-11 museum guys i i gotta tell you about this thing it fucking rules the lines are

really short uh the rides are incredible say the haze man sent you when you go check it out for yourself and you gotta do it and can i tack something on there yeah with a little new york secret and that's another thing about new y York is that there's these secrets to things. And you want to just know the way to get the things you want to get. There's a Chick-fil-A in the 9-11 Museum. Oh, so don't wait in line at the Midtown one. Yeah. Go to the 9-11 Museum.

Pay to get in. They reimburse your money on the way out if you show them that you bought Chick-fil-A and the thing is the Chick-fil-A and the nine 11 museum is open on Sundays from 11 until six. Can I pack something onto this nine 11 museum plug? Yes, please. Yes, please.

Um, if you go to the nine 11 museum and you tell them that you actually were in one of the towers during the attacks, they will give you a middling showbiz career for about seven years. They cap it off at a certain point. You pay a heavy penalty, but they will give you sort of a bubbler just on the surface. Maybe you're going to get a movie, but maybe not. But you won't. a bubbler just under the surface. Maybe he's going to get a movie, but maybe not.

He won't. You make a pretty decent living and then you get to do Stern. It's something to think about. It depends if you just find an usher and grab them and tell them. The usher,

the 9-11 museum will do that for you? Yes. Yes. If you find an employee and you talk to them, they will sort of set you up. Is there an offer code for that? Yeah, of course. It's an offer code. It's a hashtag hard out.

Oh, wow. oh wow so the offer code they like from the 9-11 museum to get you a showbiz career is a reference to something you said a couple minutes ago yeah i mean i don't know that i'm the first person to ever say it, but yeah. Okay, and it's a hashtag. It is in hashtag form, yeah. You can't just say the, yeah, you have to put it in a hashtag with the pound sign in front of it. Okay, wow. Did you have an ad that you wanted to do? Oh, gosh, I had so many that I would like to do.

I guess my ad is for the subway oh I'll do it like it's an ad don't walk you stupid get downstairs and pay for a ticket that sometimes works

go through a thing that hits you and can bruise your hip, and when it rolls, then you get and you stand and wait. It's dripping down here, and it's humid somehow, and don't forget to pack yourself into a tube with a bunch of people who are violent. When you get out, you'll feel like you never were even traveling and go upstairs and then do it again. And don't forget,

when you're at the subway, that you're allowed to be drunk. So... Hollywood handbook. So anyway, that's our app for this week for the subway. That's really nice. Yeah. Tom,

did you want to share your best New York memory while we have Sean? Cause Sean shared his with you. And so I think it would be nice if you shared your favorite New York memory with him as well. Sure. Sort of how people respond when someone shares something with them. Yeah, I will. It's nice to respond. Cool.

Fair enough. In turn. Okay. With your own story. It was my high school graduation. my high school graduation, and we were all in the backyard having a cookout, and everybody was celebrating the fact that I did it,

got to the finish line of high school, didn't seem like it was going to happen for a while there, but I did it, and then we hear this screeching, like a car out of control and it drives up smashes right through the front of my house and it's billy joel and then he gets out and he's drunk and then he plays a few songs and then his manager pulled up and wrote a check. He plays a few songs? Yeah. On what?

He has a keyboard in his trunk. Is it like an electric keyboard? Because that wouldn't make any noise. No, he plugged it in. Oh, okay. We set him up. Because we had cords like crazy going in the backyard yeah because it was my graduation party cool yeah of course you would have cords because we got to plug the steamer trays in

right yeah we had hot dogs already we we had you should have seen each one we had hot dogs and then in water chestnuts we had hot dogs, chestnuts, pretzels. Halal meat. Yeah, you got to flocking. We had candied nuts, like super sweet that no one likes. It's really strange. Like they smell really good, but then you eat two and you're just like i think i'm gonna throw up yeah that's good so we had all the new york all the finest

food of new york and then billy joel crashed into our house and then played three songs yeah well it was what are we rocking out we got stiletto what are we doing he did do stiletto oh that's nice yeah and then he did uh then he did uh captain jack didn't say the the masturbate line because he because there were kids there so he kind of like he kind of just went like, and you sit alone and you... And everybody was like, ah, even Billy Joel's so in control. Even though this guy looks like he's going to die from alcohol poisoning,

he still knows how to censor himself in front of children at a crowd. He can control a car, but he's in control of his lyrics that's nice why is billy joel would be in perfect shape if the steering wheel was a keyboard because he was in such good control of that if only you could steer a car with the what i should pitch that one to one of these like if i'm I'm going to talk to Seinfeld. I mean, is it bad form if I pitch him jokes for his live stage act? As you're trying to get him to do an Earwolf podcast? Like, if I throw it in as, like, this is what you get from this family. In return, yes.

Like, this is our attitude here. The kind of jokes we make is, why doesn't Billy Joel... Like, why don't they make the keyboard... Establishing Billy Joel as a notorious drunk driver. Yeah. Why don't they make the steering wheel out of the thing that the keyboard's made out of? Out of the keyboard? Yeah.

Because he'd be in control of that as he was at my graduation party. Yeah. So he did do Stiletto he did do captain jack and then he did down easter alexa which nobody wanted him to do but he said this one's for me wow and then they paid you for his performance well our house was ruined he he he our house was declared unsafe and turns out he only gave us 10 percent of what it cost to get it fixed so is that is what was written on the check 10 percent of the cost of repair no it was pre it was in the memo line it was pre-written it said it said home repair yeah home repair and then in parentheses car crash

wow what a nice memory that was my best new york memory new york memory that's nice that you shared that with me as opposed to like when i when I first shared mine, you just started bragging about Danny Aiello. I'll share mine. I don't need to be asked. I don't need to be told that it's polite to share a nice memory when someone shares one with you. Oh, boy. Now my mouth is watering to hear this juicy memory. and hear this juicy memory.

Mine would be, I suppose, if I can think back, it would be seeing the Statue of Liberty come over the horizon as I arrived on the boat. Mm-hmm. And this was, this is taking me back to 1940, 40. Mm-hmm.

And I see her, and I don't know. I've never seen this before. I don't know. I see this lovely American woman, and I say, oh, at the time is what I would have said. Mm-hmm. the time is what I would have said. And you're coming from Austria,

Hungary, like, you know, we didn't have these big ladies there, but, uh, you have a really funny name back then. Yeah. They fixed you up.

My last name was Holen Schwanigau, which was actually the sort of the, the estate where my family grew up. when these certain guys were in power, we would be able to have political positions and things like that. But as those things started, now that I think about it, it's actually

a little later that I came over on the boat. When things were starting to go south, we eventually had to leave. And just like showbiz. Yeah. I have an idea for a show that's maybe not as New York-based as I thought.

Okay. But you're going to say it anyway? I am. Because I just think ideas are – the value comes from a good idea. Yeah. Right? That's the gold. Everybody knows that ideas are the hard part

with things and the work that you do after that's the execution is a dime a dozen yeah it's all just about the core idea yeah something you can say in two sentences is the total value it's irreplaceable and going off and making it and then it doesn't matter. That happens. That just happens. Exactly. That's the, anyone can do that part. Just make a thing, make the thing. It's coming up with a notion. It could be called is nice, right?

Okay. I like it so far. Yeah. Okay. I hope I know who's involved with this. Izzy Stradlin. Oh, okay. I thought it was, I thought it was Borat.

But it would be him doing Borat. Okay. It would be Izzy Stradlin doing his characters. So it's I-Z-Is. Nice. Nice. And it would be Izzy Stradlin from Guns N' Roses doing those three characters that Sacha Baron Cohen did.

So he's doing Bruno. He's doing Bruno. And he's doing Bruno. He's doing Bruno. And he's doing Ali G as well. Yeah, Ali G and then Borat. And now you're concerned that this doesn't have enough to do with New York? Well, I don't know where he's located. He seems like a very L.A. kind of guy. I don't know if that's something you want to walk over to him.

Well, he's from Lafayette, Indiana. which is where axel is from okay as well so we i was thinking i don't know how i don't know if it's um i think it might be to new york like i'm trying to figure out it's feeling it's feeling very new yorky to me as well it's almost it's almost it's almost oppressive when i because when i pitched but like my papa john idea uh pizza corner papa's pizza corner something like that you that what is so nice is even if you aren't from new york and he's actually from indiana as well and that's what's so you know did he ride that same bus that axl rose rode that they that they re-staged for the welcome to the jungle video when he gets off the bus with a piece of hay in his mouth well he papa john famously rode in a the chevy something that he sold to finance his first store,

which I read in a, uh, a box shaped, a box shaped book that he wrote and sent to my house. Okay. Like a coffee table book. Yeah. Well,

it has become sort of a coffee table book and in my house. Yes. But it's, it's shaped like a box and it says autobiography real quick guys what do you think's gonna happen in that ron barowski fight oh are you okay see i'm like i'm a little confused because are you trying to like time to timestamp this before that happened? Mm-hmm. And why is that? It almost sounds like to me, Sean, you want

to prove you were like an alibi. That you were... Okay, so it almost sounds like you need to prove you were doing a certain thing. All I'm saying is that fight's happening in three hours and 22 minutes.

And the whole world's talking about what might happen, but I want your take. You know, you guys who are no strangers to roughing it up with a little bit of fist to cuff. Who do you think's got the goods to go the whole way? And don't we think she's the overwhelming favorite? Yeah, no, I'm very excited for her to win. Is there a specific thing, since you're calling into the show right now, is there a specific thing that you are not doing? Yeah, there's a place that I'm not, and there's a person I'm not near,

and there's something I'm not showing them. Because you couldn't be on the phone while you were showing somebody something. You would need two heads. Yes, and it would be very noisy. And there's some noises you aren't hearing that say a lot more than the words that you are. So this was a great talk. So let's say goodbye to Sean, and then I'll sort of sign off privately with you, Tom.

Sure, that sounds good. Bye, Sean. Bye. Okay, buddy, bye. Okay. I didn't want to do this with him on the phone. Okay. Because, like I said, I want this to be. Yeah, buddy. Bye. Okay. I didn't want to do this with him on the phone. Okay. Because like I said, I want this to be.

Yeah, yeah. You need to get somebody soon for this relationship to continue. You need to turn up results. You need to follow through on some of the promises that you made. Okay. Like being friends with the Rockettes. Yeah. Getting a Rockette podcast together.

Yes. Okay. I still think there's a shot at that. Being Lou Amundsen's brother-in-law yeah which you said that you were sweet lou yeah yeah and he's on the new york knicks he is and he's the star of the new york knicks no i know he's the guy sort of behind the scenes he doesn't need like stats you know this is my thing with carmelo the guysug, basically, just needs points. Give me points, points, points, points.

But a guy like Lou Amundsen is about the team. He wants the team to win. He doesn't need to be playing on the court to get results. He's in the tradition of the great New York Knicksicks like bill bradley and dave debusher yes yes phil jackson phil jackson and david lee that's my starting five it's a lot of it's a lot of size everyone is six nine or above but it's also a lot of heart and a lot of guys that are willing to sacrifice fundamentals.

Yes. A lot of just guys who know how to play the game. Right. Those are, those are my starting five Knicks. I think I could get sweet Lou to do it, to just sit down and do a podcast. And I mean, what do we want him to talk about on that?

I mean, is it, should it be, should he interview the other Knicks? Should he just be like, Hey, it's sweet Lou here. I'm sitting down with,

uh, I'm sitting down with Jerry and grant it. Listen, if you can get Lou to speak to Cle Anthony early, or Kyle O'Quinn, Langston Gallow early or Kyle O'Quinn Kyle O'Quinn Sasha Vujicic he's not one of your favorite

all time Knicks no he's a six man Sasha Vujicic is the first guy off the bench because he's a micro whiff yes if you can get Lou to talk to some of those guys that would be that would be very exciting because then he could talk to phil jackson maybe if he could get it when phil's in new york one of the like one of the windows when phil jackson is in new york i think he's coming

into town sometime in the in the next few weeks. Yes, I think he might be going to a game. So he could grab him in the hallway. Yeah. So, okay. He hasn't relocated his family

from Los Angeles. So obviously he's got to be back thereated his family from Los Angeles. Yeah. So obviously he's got to be back there with his wife from time to time. That's the most important thing. He's the president of the team. Of course he would swing through town two times a year. So you know what also is hot and I'm trying to just get is Hamilton. Okay. So this is Hamilton. Okay.

So this is what I did. And you said there was a certain amount of money, like an expense account I could use. I went to see Hamilton. And then I walked up during the thing with one of the boilerplate podcast contracts part way through the show and then i went up to hamilton and then i was just like hamilton will you we're doing this podcast network do you know you know earwolf right and then and then he it didn't long story short. He's not, Hamilton's not going to be on the network either. That didn't go as well as I thought it would.

This is very disappointing for me to hear this because I'm just like putting myself in this situation, Tom, what you should have done is taken the podcast contract backstage, switched it out with the declaration hip-hop declaration of independence that they sign yeah oh and then he signed the real thing instead of the fake sort of like what happened to brandon lee switch out the real one yeah yeah for the fake one. It's a perfect crime. Sure.

That's how they got him. Yeah. On camera. That's how they silenced him. Yeah. If his dad had only not done all those dirty dealings with the Yakuza. Yes. It was like two generations of revenge. was paying the price for for his dad's

crimes yeah they were like they're like and we're gonna get your kid yeah 30 years from now when he's filming a movie for new line and some people say the yakuza and bruce lee aren't even from the same country yeah countries are thousands of miles apart uh but that's what made it such a great relationship yes and so i should have done that with hamilton do you think it's too late to to do that if like i how about this i pose like i'm working at the theater like i just carry in a mirror like i just like just go like i show because the show's at like seven i show up at like six carrying a mirror i'm just like all right back out of the way out of the way there's a mirror for the show clear a path yeah like right i'll be like what are you looking at like if the guy's like excuse me i'll be like oh what are you looking

at and then he'll that'll give him a little new york toad i'll get in uh-huh then i just hide with the prop thing or maybe i do i have to do i have to like conk the prop prop person over the head and tie him up in a closet with a rag in their mouth yeah i but i'm so curious what's gonna happen with this mirror well i figured the mirror huh i could i should well if it's not gonna be whatever it is should help me with this scheme uh-huh so initially why are you carrying a mirror because it's a i figured because it would go in a dressing room, right? Oh. Right? Okay. Oh. How about this? You go.

You go. Boss, you go. You take a pane of glass into his dressing room. You replace his mirror with actually a pane of glass. We are on the same page right now. You knock out the prop guy, disguise yourself as Hamilton. So you're on the other side of the mirror mimicking his motions perfectly. And I have a contract in front of me.

And he falls into the rhythms of me doing this. Oh, my mirror image is citing this contract. I must be doing that as well. So then I'll do things slowly. Like I'll slowly lift a drink up to my mouth. And then he'll just find himself swept up into that, matching the motions. Yes. And then I reach, I pull out the contract,

and I have one waiting for him in an equivalent spot. And then he's just finding himself matching the person on the other side. He signs it, and then I go, you're on the network, sucker. And then I grab the contract from the other thing, right? And then I'm just like, first podcast is due Monday. Interview the naked cowboy. I love this. Okay, this is great.

And I really love the direction. We're heading in a very positive direction i think okay i think one thing that'll have to happen is he is in basically peak physical condition to do the show every night there might be a moment where you're in his mirror dressing room uh and he is changing clothes sure so you would need to be like you know like you need to look in the mirror and recognize his body so i should like hit the hit the weights right i think you have to learn what regimen he does and you know and then start hitting or or since this is since time is of the essence, I pull a Cyrano type move. On the other side of the glass, I get a guy who's in equivalent shape to Hamilton.

He's got a little one piece in his ear, a little thing. And I'm in the side. I'm just like, okay, now drink the water. Is he matching your emotion and then i'll be like now get the gun get him to sign the thing and then i pop up behind hamilton because it's quicker because there's still a chance you're in hamilton's dressing room yeah whispering into a microphone from a closet but i would pop up behind him but here's the thing that wouldn't scare him i'd have an equivalent of me behind you would need an equivalent yes who rises when i do and he'd be so distracted by that he'd be like look out

yelling to the guy in the mirror and then i would just grab the contract. Or no, what if the Cyrano in the mirror starts strangling the other one and he's like, wait, that's not happening to me. And that distracts him enough that I could grab the contract that he signed already and then I would switch it out. Switch it out. And then he would realize I have 36 hours to get this first episode, this podcast up. I'm 100% with you.

Except for the one, I think I know the person you're talking about who is Hamilton's physical equal. Except he is circumcised and Hamilton is uncircumcised. Okay. Well, that's going to be a problem. So you would need to, I guess, consult the prop guy or something.

Or get someone to circumcise Hamilton before this happens, right? So we'd need to do something to where he'd have to... Like if he has to go to the hospital... That's not going to be easy is like a sort of an advocate he's a very outspoken of fernand and anti-circumcision advocate but what if we put something in his in his like i'm sure he has some sort of bottle of water on the side that like if i put something that makes him sick okay he goes to the hospital i pose as now a an orderly who changes the order on the the the chart i just write like circumcise this man immediately well and we you need to treat him for whatever the

thing that's sent to the hospital so you would have to just add it p.s and circumcise him. Save his life. Things to do. First. To this first. Number one, save his life. And I'll underline save his life. Number two, circumcise this man. Then he recovers, goes back, and then he'll match the lookalike, the Cyrano.

Okay. Okay. I think this one will actually work. Okay. So I have my marching orders now. Yeah. Hamilton. Yeah.

I've got to poison him, then pose as an orderly and order his circumcision and then sneak into the theater carrying a fake mirror that's actually just a piece of glass that I'm going to swap out for his actual backstage mirror. Get his look-alike in.

And the look-alike. There's a look-alike for you as well. For me. get us in yeah and then get him to sign the podcast contract yes using you know you're on a microphone communicating with the sireno as you call it sure who is sort of lulling him to sleep with matching motions, lifting a glass to his lips, for example, until sliding out of the way of the mirror and then going back all the way in and being like,

you know what I mean? And then just lifting a hand up slowly, putting it down real fast. It's probably going to mean I'm going to need some rehearsal time with this. Well, I want to make sure we're clear all the way to the end of this, because at some point he has signed the podcast contract. Yeah.

And what you were proposing is that the copy of you then rises up behind the double. Starts strangling him. And you rise up behind Hamilton. But I guess the double starts strangling. And then he would be like, he would, I would think he would go forward like, no, let me help you.

Which is a clear path to that contract. I'm also going to need a contract that's backwards for the doubles i can see god and thank you so much for mentioning that because imagine if he saw the contract in the mirror and it wasn't a mirror exactly yeah so i'm probably going to need the whole thing would just fall apart i'm gonna need a backwards contract probably a backwards new york times yeah or whatever i need to find out what what Hamilton reads is what I'm going to need or what's back there to get a reverse image version of it through the glass. I hope it's not any crazy autographed picture

because then I have to go get that same famous person to sign it backwards so we can frame it. And I guess just a way out of the building would be good because like once you get that contract you're gonna have to move all the smoke bombs i'll just vanish into the smoke bombs do the doubles have smoke bombs i don't care about them once i get the contract i'm a company i guess one of them is maybe dead. I would assume. Because you want this drag to look real. Yeah. So the Hamilton double is not your concern anymore. And the first episode of his podcast can be him discussing the murder of a man backstage at Hamilton

and how he had nothing to do with it. And, oh, we're in bed. If he gets accused of it, we're in bed. If he gets accused of it, we're in bed. That's that's like cereal. That's not good. Then it would be, well,

that would be very good for us. Yes. That's, that's the king of podcasts. That would be amazing for us. It would be great. If this Hamilton guy, cause he's under contract too.

He'll be in jail. And then it'll just be like, like we can visit him and bring in like a zoom recorder, two microphones, and he'll be like, what's this? Yeah. And he'll hold up the contract. Because he'll have to fulfill the contract still, or else he'll go to jail again. Yes. He'll go to a different.

You don't want to go to podcast jail. He'll be begging to go back to murder jail. Well, you also don't want the warden being down on you yes because if the warden loves podcast he also might do like a like a like a last yard situation longest yard situation yeah with him in jail and be like you're gonna record a podcast for the warden's podcast network. That would be a bad. So that's where the contract will come in handy. Cause we could say to the warden,

it's like, yeah, it's all well and good that you want this guy on your podcast network. Yeah. He's under contract. I like this though. Getting together a bunch of inmates and you know, them being like,

Oh, we're no good at podcasting. Yeah. And then he rallies them. He's like, guys, you can sit around a table and blather with each other and just talk about dumb stuff that no one cares about. And then they beat the feral audio team. So then it would be, it would be probably like the New York pod fest,

right? Yeah. So it'd be like, here comes dork forest or, or, uh, weird adults I think is on there. Uh,

there, there's some other, uh, Johnny Pemberton has one Duncan Russell. Okay. And this is who they come like you know marching in to the room like all in a row yeah like badass yeah and then you just have to hope that dan harman doesn't fill a light bulb full of gasoline in one of the prison cells which would

kill like one of the hot prison podcasters they would turn the lights on and suddenly they'd catch on fire that's i think this will work i think we've gotten it to a really good place great great thank you tom thank you for sort of being our liaison into this sure this great city uh do you have anything that you'd like to any personal thing going on that you'd like to Sort of being our liaison into this great city. Do you have anything that you'd like to, any personal thing going on that you'd like to plug? Well, I'm serious about the Iron Man guy in Times Square. I know that sounded like it was a sponsored thing. That was, he's a cool guy,

and you should really hang out with him in Times Square. And he'll tell you all about uh fighting captain america in the upcoming civil war okay now i noticed there's i i can see your washer dryer that you have set up here yeah and i can see in the dryer yeah there's an iron man costume sort of i can you know hear the mask sort of thudding yes Yes. Every time it goes through, I don't know why it would ever need to be dried. Well, someone threw something at Iron Man today, for your information. All sorts of people come to Times Square, and sometimes those people are holding things like melty chocolate from the m&m store and they throw it at iron man when he won't take a free picture with them so iron man does not have repulsor rays like

the other iron man so okay so that one is the other Iron Man. This guy is Iron Man. This guy is Iron Man, and he's very... He's a good guy, and you should pay to get your picture. Don't just take a picture. Don't just get one person with their cell phone to hover near him. And then you sort of sidle up to him and take food out of his mouth. No, don't steal a photo with Iron Man. Pay him the $10.

He'll put his arm around you and you'll get a quality photo with Iron Man. Does he put up, like he's shooting out a repulsor? That's $5 more. Why? Because there's some kind of effect? Because his back hurts

and he has to get into that pose and when you do it a lot his back hurts and he has to get into that pose and when you do it a lot his back hurts wow bye Hollywood Handbook is brought to you by Wolf Cool Productions

a subsidiary of Calvin and Hobbes. Ow, baby. That was a HeadGum Podcast.