Hollywood Handbook - Hayes Becomes a Podcast (with Jordan Morris)

Episode Date: July 13, 2021

JORDAN MORRIS helps The Boys communicate with each other after Hayes becomes a podcast. Order Jordan’s new graphic novel here and watch the video of this episode here!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. And also, life goes on. Like, I can't, that can't be my problem the whole time. Like, I have to build a desk. So, you know, I've got, you can see behind me, there's some parts, some parts on the ground. And that'll be, you know, that'll be nice when I get it together. But I'm trying to do that. And every now and then I just stop and I go, I'm so scared for my friend. What's happening for him? And then I'll go, oh no, where's this screw? This is part 34. I mean, you see, hang on. I got all these different kinds of screws. You know what I mean? What are these brackets going to be? You know what I mean? So I'm like, obviously, I'm worried about my friend.

And then I'm also like, I'm worried about me because I'm like, that's a lot of brackets to sort through. And it's just a little sticker that tells you which piece is which. And I'm like, not all that confident

that I'm not going to eat the stickers. And hey, man, I, you know, I'm bummed about Hayes. I'm worried about Hayes too. But like, dude, you gotta build that desk, you know? And it's not just literally about building the desk. Well, I got a fucking folding table behind me. Yeah. I mean, I was going to say there's a symbolic thing.

It's like, you know know you gotta build that desk what does that mean to you to you it's literally building a desk but it is yeah you know we've all what are you saying sorry well i was trying to i was trying to make it into like a metaphor for like you know self-care which is just oh so important it's so important that we get caught up in the in the sort of hustle buzzle of everyone else and what they're doing everyone else's hustle buzzle and you and you're going oh you know i'm so worried about taking care of everybody else which guilty you know i'm always yeah i'm the caretaker and i'm looking out for house hey too i'm also a caretaker i'm also a caretaker i am as well

the two of us both huge caretaker i'm maybe the biggest one and you are you know possibly number two i'm yeah we're not and we're not that close but i take care of kevin i have a lot of mouths to feed sure but also i mean i was taking care of you earlier when i suggested the self-care so i was desk thing but i of course was taking care of you by having you on the show at all that's true so i mean we're one of us is one and one of us is two and sometimes it switches it switches a lot sometimes and that's what's so funny is it can go up and down yeah but um yeah but i'm you know i'm doing this one thing for myself which is that i'm getting all these screws and different pieces and i'm making a desk that's really that's really

beautiful man yeah thank you um thank you but anyway hayes so hayes isn't here so let's talk about it so he's not here but he also is here what does he mean hey this guy's talking crazy the audience right like gaffigan you ever hear Gaffigan do it? What's he talking? I haven't seen Gaffigan in a while. I'm just trying to remember the voice. Why is he saying Hayes is here? That's it.

But I can't see Hayes. Hayes is not here. Why is this guy saying that? Usually when somebody's in the room, you see them. Maybe I'm unclear on how eyes work something like that this guy's losing his mind hayes so anyway hayes is here but he's not here what does he mean um he well hayes has a lot of podcasts right uh we all know this he's got i have a lot you have a lot haze has a real lot yeah i mean i have a lot and you know who i mean let's we don't need to get into who has more oh

my god well i really don't want to because that's actually how this happened so haze was um he got in a you know one of his famous peeping contests uh it was him it was i think gabrus lapkus nicole byer they were all um peeping in a in a in a tub uh they were in a big old tub and just talking you know who you know i got this podcast or i have why i have four podcasts well i have five podcasts and it becomes this thing where it's like who can have the most podcasts right and hayes starts going yeah well you know i could beat that i actually am a podcast i'm about to become one wow that's how much the dude loves the game the dude how can you become a podcast you can't do that that's not allowed so i i you know and they're going bullshit what do you mean you're becoming a podcast right yeah and gabriel starts shoving him around and then lauren labkus gets behind him and goes you know crouches down so that he

trips over her yeah are they in a tub still it's a tub filled with water the tub is mostly empty okay oh it's an empty tub yeah they're in a it's a pretty big tub i wouldn't say there's no water in it but i wouldn't say that you're taking a bath if you get in it but it's shallow enough to where lapkus can do that thing where she lays down behind yeah yeah her knees her knees are gonna get wet right you know and and nicole is just egging him on yeah her famous gang you know yeah uh-huh and so this is really making haze he's feeling cornered and he goes iot sweet and he takes out his phone and he's like kind of scrambling he's open up the podcast app and he's going like oh yeah hang on let me just input some input my special code and as he's doing this they're still shoving him he's falling down

and getting up multiple times ultimately he falls into the water as he's sort of entering a special code into his podcast app he gets sucked clean into his phone oh my shit they they are now bowing to him he did become a podcast he's done it the thing we all talked about wanting to do is just be a podcast and get rid of the rest of the hustle muzzle that we get so caught up in all days. Yeah, it's tough. It's tough. There's a lot of hustle muzzle out there. And sometimes we forget to become podcasts.

We don't build the desk and we don't become a podcast. And I go, I love my podcast. It's just me and my friends. And the rest of the hustle muzzle is i've got bills to pay you know right i've got i've got dental work to perform sure social media oh jordan it's literally like you reached your fingers into my brain and plucked out the two perfect words to illustrate what I'm talking about. Social media. Some call it Hustle Muzzle, but... We're all publicists.

We're all brand managers, aren't we? Yeah. That used to be a job for a marketing team, but it has become now for us just another piece of the Hustle Muzzle. Yeah, and we got to project this perfect life. Right. Look at how great my life is but this is something weird i was thinking about uh hit me hit me let's

fucking wrap man let's get all the way in you see if we ever get to his you see people on instagram or you see him on facebook that's exactly right. That's exactly right. And these are the sites they're on. These are the sites, all these sites, MyPage, Tweetster. I can't keep them all straight. No, no, no. I can't either. Snap Talk. Tick Vine? I don't know. It's really too many to keep track of. And I don't know the names of the websites. No, I don't really know. I have a rough approximation of the names of the websites so that i can transmit the idea the general idea but when i go to talk about it i end up saying i don't know if this is one snap star or or tweet chat i mean if it's not it's gonna be in a month tix to gram and you sure and you yes you're you're hitting the nail on the

head why would i learn the name of them there's gonna be a new one there's gonna be a new one in like a month i'm so old hellofresh.com i i don't know i i was about to say i'm so old i remember when hellofresh.com was the hot new site right and now it's only for your mom sharing our groceries memes yes that's where mom goes to say that you know uh the election was stolen by grew right it's it's really what happens on there now and it it makes me fucking sick i could fucking throw up when i think about what hello fresh became that used to be a place where i would go to share yes to share my music that i wanted to hear in the grocery store and then to share pictures of like celery and shit yeah but anyway i mean this is what i was thinking no no go ahead go ahead you see people on these sites

uh tick whatever face i don't know face fuck the face in bullshit ass yeah zuckerberg twitter tit zuckerberg.crime is it right it should be called that zuckerberg.bezos slash elon musk fucking nuts nasty ass warren buffett bill gates you know vaccine tracker.com should be called that let's just call it what it is let's call yeah let's call it what it actually is yeah right so there's these sites and people are projecting these images are saying look how great my life is i'm at brunch you know here's my here's my feet at the beach yeah here's yeah here's the latest mojito but none of that is real none of that is real they're not there people look at it they're not there this is real no they think i can't recognize that it's not real and that it is just you've cropped snoop dogg out of one of the corona

commercials oh i mean i guess i was saying i mean i guess i believe that they're in those places but i i was just saying that there's like an emotional component like maybe people have gone there when i've done it it's been it's been a corona commercial and i'm guilty of it as anyone sure and i've managed to sort of and it's not a great job i've done eliminating snoop dog from it he's it's not recognizably him but there is definitely a man there and it's not me sure and it just looks like his face is you know a series of kind of brush strokes like it's been erased a little bit yeah but it's pretty clear that again this is back in the day this is something a publicist would do a publicist would take a corona commercial and erase snoop dog with an avid or

something yeah yeah they'd replace they'd get rid of of Tony Romo and the phone that he's answering and they'd get these things off of the screen. But again, we got to do it all. We got to be Jacks and Jills and people of all trades. Yes, we have to be people of all trades. And just for what? Just to keep up on the goddamn treadmill? I'm running as fast as I can and I'm not going anywhere.

I know. It's like, what's the end game? More stuff? More stuff that you don't need? Oh, yeah. What is it? Another new microwave oven so I can make the latest Pop-Tarts?

Yeah. PlayStation a million. I don't know what they're up to now. i can't keep track of those numbers i have the general idea you know that there's it's that it's a playstation that there's some number after it but i'm gonna know which one no you said a million that's good as my guess my guess was gonna going to be four. Yeah. It's somewhere between. I thought it was there. But they keep making them. If it's not a million today, guess what? Tomorrow it will be.

Next month. Right? Next month. Anyway. No. So, Hayes is trapped in the internet. So, in a way, I envy Hayes. In a way, I envy Hayes because he did get to become a podcast but he's also

from from what i can gather he's pretty scared um right so and now you're saying if hayes is a podcast why isn't he on this podcast yeah it's so he's so he is a podcast owen wilson has gotten in on this he's also wondering where and i... And I lost the impression a little bit, and it's sounding more like Owen. Wow. Wow. Hayes, okay. Wow, Hayes.

But he... He's a text-based podcast, and he's only able to send... And it's very short episodes. And it really, to me, there's no difference between what he's doing now and just text messaging. Which, by the way, trapped on your, looking at your screen. Trapped on your phone. Are we all, I'm trapped in my phone half the day.

Yeah, I mean, Hayes is literally trapped in his phone. But, I mean, I feel like I kind of am all the time. Figuratively, we're all trapped in our phone. Yeah, boy. You know what I mean? You're just taking it to the next level. We're all trapped in our Samsung Note Star 50 million, right? Just living in my little Nokia going,

oh, is it time to wake up and browse the latest mind control? Motorola, yeah, rush uh 59 million give me that give me that dopamine hit zuckerberg daddy yeah thank you oh thank you daddy zuckerberg daddy thank you i have another evidence for yes for giving me my little dopamine tablet for the afternoon. Am I good? Say I'm good. Please, sir. Please, sir, may I have another fave? Begging for faves. Literally groveling on my knees for faves on HelloFresh.

Good content for daddy. Did I do make good content? May I have my two and a half hours of rem sleep please before the pings and bings and beeps and boopsles wake me up again back for the hustle buzzle again i fucking swear to god i am going to snap i'm so sick of being stuck in my phone so we need to help hayes yes um and he's going to hopefully a we we did manage to transmit to him the scheduled time of the episode and that you know you and i would be here and we would be guiding him through it and we would be getting pretty real right yeah i mean i think you know we're already we're already in the raw zone we're

already in that kind of real raw uncensored zone i'm an open goddamn wound you can only be on a podcast isn't it true that to my own wife child family i've got these walls up right and i you know i consider myself a radically honest person right and yet i'm never fully truthful with them unless i am talking to them on a podcast yeah i mean like to them i say i love. From the podcast, I can say that. But when I see them in the house, when we're going to bed, when I, you know, am saying good night to them, what do I say? Hey, see you tomorrow. Yeah. Right?

No. Isn't that what we say? Isn't that what we say, guys? And yeah, that's the reason. I mean, I've never told my mom that I love hers because she can't operate a podcast, you know, and I'm a little worried that she's going to die without me ever saying I love you because she just can't get into this real raw space where I can open up. So I feel you, man.

And it's great that your wife and kid, you know, can pod with you and they can be in this like, you know, I guess i'll say it's sacred space it's a sick fucking world where i'm closer and more emotionally open and ultimately have more of an intimate connection to engineer brett than i do to my mommy daddy wifey and little baby daddy wifey and little baby like think about that that's so sick but it's true it's true because because i'm because i'm podcasting with him and it's just you know it's just the opposite it's like on on social media on bleep.fresh you know okay i thought we weren't going to talk about this again but maybe we should what i'm saying I'm saying is that we're projecting this perfect self there, but here in the pod space is where we all come out warts and all.

Just say, here I am. Yeah, we don't project this perfect image of Snoop Dogg on a beach holding a Corona, and instead we project our actual image, Snoop Dogg on a beach holding a Corona. And instead we project our actual image, which is I'm a mess. Yeah, I'm fucked up. I'm depressed, anxious, depression, anxiety, ADHD. This is me. OCD. OCD.

Intrusive thoughts, right? intrusive thoughts right um uh i have so i've diagnosed myself with so many things and i'm at the point where i'm considering talking to a professional and finding out if i really have them well i mean rather than just saying it on a podcast saying it on podcasts i mean but i think that you know and this is something weird that i was thinking the other day podcasts they're like my therapy yes yes i'm listening as well because sometimes i hear someone say something and i go that's me stop telling my story on this podcast yeah and then that's i mean so i feel like i don't have to see a professional or no i don't no i said i almost i said i'm almost at that point yeah no i would i don't have to either i also don't have i don't have to because i do i do this this is where i come to be this is my medicine well

this is my medicine this is yeah this is the only medicine you need yes this is this is my entire medical care i have a podcast for every ailment and condition that i come across sure i've i've i fell off my shed about a week ago yeah fractured my ankle something mean sure what did i do what did i do threw on a pod throw on a pod right ptsd on 99 invisible you know what that piece the most boring thing everyone tells me is good. Pod. Every list ever, 99% visible. Can't get through an episode.

But I put it on and I'm not thinking about my ankle anymore. I'm going, what am I missing? Everybody's so fucking into this? Am I stupid? I ain't i know i am but jesus christ i haven't made a list since 2015 this fucking thing's still trucking along um so i wonder i wonder about about hayes i wonder if he's me too i'm wondering about him right now if when we finally do get to talk to him if he's gonna be just so real and fucking raw

yeah like i mean we're pretty real and raw i know that i am um but because he is now you know and i am too and you know what in case in case that happens i'm ready for him hell yeah you put on shades he put on shades we should let people know i just threw on a pair of shades a pair of shades and i i'll be i'll be prepared too he's got his wallet and he's ready to pay haze to calm down he gets too raw give him hey man here's seven dollars just all i had next to me yeah i don't have anything to hold up and i felt bad that you held something up so no man it's a never feel bad here this is what it's about sometimes i hold something up sometimes you're gonna be the one holding something up it's true it'll be me yeah you're holding me up when i run out of shit so let's get the fucking big dog in here hayes mr hayes podcast man himself kevin you've got

some sort of you you managed to open up a circuit for him. Okay, this says, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, Hayes. Sorry they make you announce yourself before you talk, sup. Okay. I know part of this is us, part of the show is people kind of giving you a hard time, Kevin, but that's a great intro. Part of the show is people kind of giving you a hard time, Kevin, but that's a great intro.

So what he did there is he just read what Hayes had written. Is that right? Oh, I made a mistake. Sorry, that was that. Kevin just wrote hello. Do you want to take back your compliment? I do. I'm retracting it now, so just forget it. Maybe it would be great if, actually, Kevin,

you could go out and edit out the part where i complimented you and don't like save it don't save it in a little file so you can listen to it like in your private time okay we'll see okay wait now he says kevin what's up so i guess kevin with a colon so it's like kevin's saying it okay okay so who's they i guess kevin can you ask who's they i say who's they they probably should have been in quotes oh yeah i think he'll figure it out hey this is actually really savvy well we all speak this internet language here. The guys here. Sure. Well, LOL.

Yeah, could have guessed. So, well, Jordan, what do you think? Is there anything you want to tell Hayes or want to know from him to help us figure out his situation? It sounds like here's what we know. He got sucked into his phone there's guys there guys in the phone and the guys seem to have some level of authority because they make him announce himself before he talks so who i guess i want to know about the the guys i mean are these you know is it is it i mean is it the fathers of the pod game? Is he there with the legends? You know, Marin and Ira Glass and Ricky Gervais.

I mean, in my fantasy, when I become a pod, you know, I'm in there hanging with them. I'm in there hanging with, you know, the dudes who started it all. The dudes who inspired us. Oh, yeah. I'm in there. I'm jamming with Marin and Dax, and they're rocking out with me. Joe Rogan's tuning up over in the corner.

Yeah, it's just a jam. It's just a jam session, but instead of music, it's words. Tim Ferriss is having incredible sex because of his healthy lifestyle you know what i mean yeah iris iris making us think you know iris crafting a fucking story to end all stories right and he's kind of like he just feels like i know him already you know right it's a warmth it's a it's a warmth it's like so yeah i guess that's what i want to sing these little things like

where it's like yeah i guess i have done that it's true um so yeah i guess that's what i want to know from hayes is like you know who's in there with you and you know like what have you learned from them yeah okay kevin do you have that no uh who who's in there who's in there with you And what have you learned from them? Is it the pod fathers? Yeah. Is it the pod fathers? Oh, no. I don't correct it to godfathers.

Okay. No one says that. Literally not a word that exists anymore. Yeah, right. People can't get with it. Hello, autocorrect all the other podcasts all the podcasts yeah i guess you've got three dots so he's he's working on so he's typing so while he's typing

jordan yeah unfortunately as much as this is just a really incredible like chance uh hang on let me check if the pod fathers are here so he's probably got a sort through a lot of stuff because you think like he's in there with some really really long episodes of you made it weird right like some some very very long ones sure so to get through those and all the way around to the other side and like find the pod fathers it looks like a cvs in here yeah they're here it looks like a cvs in here oh i wonder what that means so we got the three dots and i'm having a seriously good time so so okay wow so i was nervous for hayes but it sounds like he's it looks like a cvs and he's having a seriously good time um which means like everyone has a really good time at cvs and so he must be enjoying himself so i thought part of this was going to be us saving him and trying to help him but you know that that was maybe a

miscommunication he doesn't always get back to me like when i ask him a question so i i think i that's my trip i maybe laid that on him oh you must want to get back here. But as we discussed, what because that's you, you're a huzzle buzzle, right? And you love to take care of people. And sometimes you don't think about yourself and you're like, Hayes, let me save you. Let me help you. But I mean, I think sometimes what we're learning here is sometimes, you know, that's not your job. Sometimes people are trapped inside podcasts and they are a podcasts and the podcasts are like a cvs and sometimes you're just you know having a great time in there um you know reading magazines and getting digital photos printed checking out some of the generic candy yeah like right yeah like a

yeah plastic bag full of like 12 or 13 gummy bears. Looking at some of those insoles, those like comfy insoles. Yeah. Do I try these finally? It's today the day. Do I do it? But then going, but which one? A rack of religious books.

That's also something. Yep. Allergy medicine. Mm-hmm. You know? books that's also something yep allergy medicine you know all various tinctures and wipes yeah potions potions and lotions that uh no it's like it's the traveling medicine show sure step right up they say yeah so um so say kevin say to hayes do you need our help and then we'll just wait and see yeah we'll wait and see if he if he needs help hollywood eating better is easy with factors. Delicious, ready-to-eat meals. Every fresh, never-frozen meal is chef-crafted, dietitian-approved,

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It's one big add-on and it's you on your bed. You're so tired after you eat my meal. The promise is the meal makes us sleepy. You've been pushing that so much. You're saying that you will be added on to your bed. Yeah. Your bed plus one. That's the opposite of what this

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B-A-B-B-E-L. Dot com slash the boys. Rules and restrictions may apply. With Babbel, we can't promise it'll always be easy but you'll always be glad you did it kind of like this podcast except it is easy for me hey guys rocket money is a personal finance app that finds and cancels your unwanted subscriptions monitors your spending and helps lower your bills you can see all your subscriptions in one place and if i see something i don't want i can cancel it with a tap i never have to get on the phone with customer service the subscriptions are insidious they're the scourge of our modern life

and you never realize what you're subscribing to or that you're still being charged i know that i was about 19 dresses into receiving each one of the 27 dresses from the movie 27 dresses before i found out how much it was costing yes that they intended to send me by the way you'll this will shock you 54 dresses if i did not cancel and i you know oh that one's got an end point by like dress 14 15 i think it starts to become clear like these aren't the dresses oh no they were not from the movie they didn't resemble anything from the movie they were not they were either way too big or way too small for a human to wear yeah and one of them was a dressing yeah one of them was it was it was a vinaigrette it was a raspberry vinaigrette. It was a raspberry vinaigrette. It was a French raspberry vinaigrette dressing.

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And so that was, yeah, that was costing me a lot, a lot, a lot. Stop wasting money on things you don't use. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions by going to rocketmoney.com slash the boys. That's rocketmoney.com slash the boys. Rocketmoney.com slash the boys. Hollywood handbook. slash the boys rocket money.com slash the boys in the meantime jordan you know we're not here just necessarily to get raw get real talk about our actual feelings and kind of talk about like the modern experience like what's really happening unpack this what is this what is this we're here to promote and let's just say it let's just get

our hands dirty right away and say we are here to promote your stuff i'm not involved with this you know i don't know what it is you did it you're doing it you're proud of it and i'm happy for you rate me five stars so he does need our help he said yes i need your help rate me five stars yeah well i mean if that if that gets him out sooner i mean i'm happy to do it um but i don't know if he wants out god i don't know't know. I have no idea what this episode is. So he's in there. He's texting us. We got to go and rate him five stars.

I maybe assumed he had been listening to us. You know? It kind of would be like responding to what we had said so far. But Jordan, what we found out was no that's not true i mean in some way he's like me with your comic book right he doesn't know what it is he doesn't know what we're doing right he vaguely knows about it so he can't be that helpful right and it's gonna be on us us to carry the day in the in the in the situation so if i can just kind of like get a sense of where we're at like we need to help hayes who doesn't know what we've been talking about and then i have to be me and

you in the next situation and help you to learn about what my comic book is about hey kevin can you respond to haze really quick yeah and say we are trying it won't let us apparently the app knows whether we're lying or not only only a real five-star review goes through he said kevin i just want you to look at your side of the conversation and admit that you're being very weird who are you now he's asking who are you with okay wow so not only does he not is he not hearing what we're saying he doesn't even know about us he doesn't know what this kevin do you think you could kind of like catch him up on everything we've talked about so far just so he can jump in let me i mean i can

kind of try and remember like sean's building a desk the desk is a metaphor he and i are both huge caretakers we're just huge caretakers and love to take care of everyone around and i'm exhausted i have nothing left for myself yeah does it matter can i say that yeah go ahead i guess anyway it's like a cvs and we're all crouched up on the shelves so all right he's having a cvslyly good time. It's like a CVS. When someone comes to listen to us, we pretty much blast off. Okay. So, I'm assuming that he means sexually.

Yeah. Right. So, okay. Well, that's kind of cool. I mean, because, like, you know, this is something I say about podcasts all the time. It's like, Kevin just typed s and then the word sexually appeared well go ahead put it back kevin yeah okay i mean i know i mean i don't know about you but if you do pods all the time like i start to get off on this shit you know yeah i mean i don't want to gross

anyone out like it's not it's not sexual in a way that should make anyone uncomfortable. But it is distinctly sexual and quite sensual as well. Right, yeah. It's both. So yeah, I guess it would make a lot of sense. And if I can kind of like, you know, sum up where we're at right now, I guess what has happening with Hayes is when you, he's teaching us that when you become a podcast,

you sit in a little CVS-like building with the other podcasts. And then when someone on the shelf downloads you blast off sexually so you come and maybe it's a scary movie situation where the come blasts you up yeah he said blast off and it's like while you're downloading they also are doing something with a load yeah right they're loading your they're they're low loading right they're load yeah they're yeah they're they're load blowing so sort of more like eating some good ass food there's food here too hot bar cvs with a hot bar all right this okay that so

that's pretty cool yeah so i apparently you must be allowed to get down off the shelf i don't know how many times you can go up to like the buffet but you can load up thing it's kind of like a by the pound but okay right so it's like so maybe it's however many times you've been listened to and downloaded that's how many like scoops or platefuls or whatever you get or how or some sort of weight yeah that makes sense the amount right you can go and load up hot bar has full sandwiches whoa holy shit there's a bubble sandwich oh jordan oh this is great okay oh right i guess yeah i guess if i guess so there's a sandwich named after your podcast right i guess it hadn't been adapted into enough things

that's true i think that is the next step for my sci-fi because it's been a it's been a podcast it's been a podcast and it's been a it's a it's a graphic novel it is a sci-fi comedy graphic novel in stores today i believe the day that this releases you can get um you can get bubble um written by me and sarah morgan art by tony cliff uh natalie reese you can get that at you know comic book stores indie bookstores yeah i guess you could get it from papa bezos you know oh yeah if you throw daddy bezos duckets let me go ahead and keep lining his pockets. Right. Yeah. So he can blast off to the moon. And yeah, and it's also a feature film forthcoming.

Great. Okay. To come. Uh-huh. And who's in the movie? I don't know yet, but I mean you know if i had my dream my dream cast just like the the godfathers you know marin rogan gervais richard gervais the original atheist. That guy Jordan sure knows how to take a meeting, huh?

And also, I guess it's a sandwich now? I didn't do that. I didn't broker the sandwich deal. It was... Yeah, well, he's saying bubble a sandwich so now it's like he's sort of admiring your ability to market yourself, which we've been saying is all of our jobs now.

I know. I know. Back in the day, a publicist would be turning your podcast into a sandwich. That's how it used to be. 15, 20, 50 years ago, your podcast would get turned into a sandwich by your publicist, and they would try to get you some of the good toppings and some of the more desirable sauces right yeah this was pre this was pre aioli you have to understand we didn't have all these different right for sort of subtle variations mayonnaise mustard that's it marinara yeah sure in certain certain areas in certain areas you had marinara but not everywhere and there are a couple different mustards i don't want to just say mustard and people think well

that's all the mustard and i'll tell you what yellow and brown you do have more than two mustards no i didn't say that okay i said there's more than one that's right two is more than one you got two is more than one two is more than one i Two is more than one. I'll tell you what else. And I'll tell you what else. If you were really hot stuff, they might be able to get a little Tabasco on the sandwich. Oof. Now, it's not going to be for everybody. No.

But the people who want it, they really want it bad, Jordan. They need that heat. They need that sting. They need that heat. My... So when I was... you know, many years ago, when I was a young pup just starting out my podcast 50, 60 years ago, my publicist went out and got me and said,

I got you a sandwich. And I was elated. I mean, you never see me light up like this. I mean, that's the dream. I was blasting off. Yeah, when we're kids're kids i mean we're just like blasting the air with as soon as we can come we're blasting around the room thinking about no the minute you the minute your body fills with cum you're that's that's making you explode and so i say and i get excited and i i don't mind sharing it with my publicist at that time.

I say, Hey, I'm, you know, I'm really, I really got some stuff coming out of me here. And I go, I go, can you tell me a little bit more about the sandwich? And they go, yeah, yeah, absolutely. I think you're going to think it's really cool. And I go, all right, well, you know, first off, what kind of bread is it on? And they go stale right, well, you know, first off, what kind of bread is it on? And they go, stale. Stale bread, I say? It's not starting off well.

And I go, well, what are the cold cuts? They say, that's the best part. No cold cuts. I go, oh, it's vegetarian friendly. They said, very. I said, what vegetables does it have? They said, no vegetables i go okay what what's on it they say vinegar

which i guess will help you get through the bread like this the bread i say okay like a nice balsamic and olive oil. They say, no. Distilled white vinegar, like for cleaning, is what my publicist says to me. On stale bread. It seems like your publicist should be trying to get you excited about this, but it seems like they're really trying to convince you about how shitty it is.

I mean, maybe they're just being honest with you. They were saying it like it was positive, i'm telling you what how i interpret it and i said so it's just stale bread with with like white vinegar on top of it they go no cup of vinegar comes on the side not allowed to put it on the bread i said you're not allowed to how will they know they said someone follows you. At this point, I'm wondering, do I even want a sandwich named after my podcast? Now, of course, this was 50, 60 years ago.

Not everyone got it. But I'll tell you, I ended up going through with it. Best decision I ever made. And I still will fix myself. A stale breadwinner. Decision I ever made. And I still will fix myself. Sean Clements podcast. Sean Clements podcast, our podcast sandwich. Every now and then it takes me right back there. Now Hayes keeps saying hello.

What do you think we should say back to him? What? Okay. Maybe what's on the bubble sandwich. What's on the bubble sandwich? I think that's a great follow up. Again, yeah, I got left out of this decision-making. So you get royalties from each stale bread and vinegar on the side sandwich that they sell?

Were you able to build a pool or something with that money? The pool that I built was not a swimming pool okay say no more say no more my friend so you said what's on the bubble sandwich he said vinegar wait is this just are they just renamed the sean clements wait is this just are they just renamed the sean clements podcast our podcast have they just renamed it i hope not because that because the pool that i was able to build and i'll and i'll continue it was uh it was really a it says brett is stale brett is stale. So he has been able to hear us. I don't know what he hears or what he does or doesn't. But what I'll say is the pool that I built was,

not a lot of people were getting the Sean Clement. It was really for a pretty small audience. Of course, this was 56 years ago. There weren't as many people. No. And a lot of them couldn't get sandwiches. But the people that got it, there weren't as many people no you know and a lot of them couldn't couldn't get sandwiches but the but the people that got it there weren't a lot but i got a royalty and i was able to build this a very small billiards table billiards table for a dollhouse so i did i did put a pool together you put a pool but a pool a small pool table a small pool table

not functional there were no pockets in it no just an ornamental and of course there was there were no balls for it either so it's really a very small green square no legs on the table if you asked for the jordan special they had extra turkey oh hold on hold on am i wait a minute am i getting razzed here am i getting razzed i hope not but it sure feels like that i don't all right all right hey i can i can get as good as i give so you know if if hey if you guys can have a laugh calling me a turkey i'm i'm fine i'm not a self-serious and that's something i i love about you that you're willing to laugh at yourself and and you do and if you don't have that if you can't laugh at yourself, it's going to be a tough road because there's these moments where you either laugh or you cry. Exactly. And I learned that as a kid when I was just constantly bullied.

I was always bullied. And I think that's why I do what I do is just because I remember. I remember. Yeah, I remember. I remember saying somebody should help that guy. Yeah. And, you know, I just had to learn to laugh. So I can come on this show and be called a turkey. Bullies, when you laugh, bullies don't know what to do. They don't. It's like if you make the joke first, they're like, what? They don't know what to do.

And unfortunately, when a bully doesn't know what to do, when they are confused, it does make them extremely violent. Yes, they don't like so sometimes it doesn't work out like you want it sometimes it goes from you being teased to you they're making funny and you laugh right along with them you make the joke with them they get they get really yeah really confused and ultimately they you know they fly into a violent rage oh they they they kick your happy meal ass up and down Main Street, my friend. And the whole school watches.

The principal comes out to cheer them on, in my experience. Yeah. There's a carving station next to the hot bar. Is that part of the hot bar? Ask this, Kevin. Say, what do we got for drinks? I guess maybe people, you could consider in the sandwich the vinegar being a beverage

if you can't dip. Okay, he says, you know that stuff, bye. I do know that stuff. I do know that stuff. I do know that stuff. It's got like a tropical fruit on it or something often. To me, it's sort of like vitamin water, huh? Explain bye to the listeners, Jordan.

This is when I need you to carry me. There's only going to be one set of books here. No, I'm sorry. I'm also, I'm kind of in your boat as I know the logo. I vaguely know the logo and kind of like maybe where it would be in the store but i don't really know what's in it or i think the guy who does created the brand is that you know is uh sometimes a guest shark as well they have those okay bye okay so he's kind of like the kind bar guy yeah he's like the kind but i feel like he's been replaced by the kind bar guy, quite frankly.

The kind bar guy has got a lot of charisma. I'm surprised. He's good, yeah. Buy fridge is broken and it stinks. Who's the guy who would always wear the Western shirts? He was kind of like the tech. Krasaka, yeah. Yeah.

He always rubbed me the wrong way. I think that was part of his character. He's like, I want to be the like fucking guy. I'm going to be the young techie guy, but. Well, he was going to, yeah, he wanted to get into it with Cube in a little bit and get him some business because they didn't really have anybody to push back on,

on Cubes. Sure. But it just didn't work out. They couldn't make the deals work or something because he hasn't been on for a few seasons now. So the buy fridge is broken and it stinks. So that's interesting. That's interesting to know.

I guess, I mean, should we empathize with him? Yeah, I mean, I think, I guess I kind of forget. Does he want help does he know this is brutal conversation even for you i guess is there is there is there what can we do to help him out is it a well he asked for the podcast reviews do we should we just say do you want to get out of there or do you want to get out of there? Or do you want to stay a podcast forever? And then say, what flavor buy?

Sean, I would hate it if this was another example of you putting others first at the expense of your own mental health. But like if, you know, I think this is kind of a big moment we're on the precipice of here. It's like if Hayes decides to, you know, to stay a podcast, where do you go? Where do you go? I mean, I know, you know, I know us podcasters, you know, we get linked. It's like having a mean, I know us podcasters, we get linked. It's like having a twin, you know?

It's like a marriage. It's like a marriage. It's like a marriage. Ups and downs. Ace says, hmm, I guess I want to have one magical summer here and then go. Oh, okay. Well, that's good for you. I guess, you know, it seems like it's temporary. Whole summer? Man, that's good for you. I guess it seems like it's temporary. Whole summer?

Man, that's a lifetime in the podcast world. Yeah. All the Cocoa Fusions. So that's what flavor buy they have. They have all the Cocoa Fusions. Good. It sounds like maybe there's a coconut element to buy. Again, I just kind of recognize the logo.

And then I guess like say, I don't know, say the ancient philosopher. That's a fun comeback. I feel like you guys are kind of recreate your dynamic like this. I don't think it's losing a lot, honestly. No, for me, it's working better. I get to talk more right and uh and also i know you didn't come up with that so kevin he has called your ass out yeah um how do you want to do this like Should he know that we're involved?

The thing is, my philosophy has always been, and tell me if you think about this, Jordan, my kind of guiding principle is do something nice for someone and for God's sake, don't get caught. Yeah. Because then I worry I'd be doing it for the credit and I don't want the credit.

I want to make their day a little easier. So I try to do something nice for someone, but please don't let me get caught. And just like you can hope, I think our ideal situation is people who give a lot back, which I do. You're giving me so much. You just want people to pay it forward you just want

them to like take that generosity that you give them yeah and you want them to spread you know spread it out yeah just give it and then yes yeah yeah yeah no i agree i agree Yeah. Yeah. No, I agree. I agree. Hey, said Zambia Big Cherry. So I guess that's one of the other bi flavors. I wish we knew more about bi. I think we're learning it now. Sumatra Dragon Fruit. That sounds like there's a pretty

big selection there. Yeah. So no wonder he wants to stay for the whole summer. Try all the, I mean, it seems like they're going to get hot, but maybe there'll be a guy who can come in and fix the cooling system. I'm not so sure they shouldn't be hot. Yeah.

Having not tried it. Maybe a hot bar is the way to go. Yeah, maybe you'd find they're better hot. Could be. Because maybe they're like a tea. We don't totally know what buy is and that opens up so many possibilities it's so exciting right to just say i don't know you remember you used to someone ask a question and they'd say how old is tom petty and you go

i don't know i don't know now it's beep-dop-doop-dop-doop-dop google google and everybody finds out right away. And it's just like, that's not fun, man. I want to wonder like, yeah, what the fuck is by? What does it taste like? What's it made out of? And you know, I don't know. And yeah. And if you, you know, I don't, I mean, I'm, we're about the same age. I'm an, I'm an old guy too. And I remember when you wanted a piece of media, you had to go to a store to find those records. You had to literally walk to the store. It was raining. You would walk to the store. You would walk in and you would say can you

please play this movie on one of the TVs inside this store. So I could stand here and watch. That was the only way to watch. That was how you saw Stuart Little and, you didn't fucking see the shit. You know what you did? You imagined what it probably was. Hayes just said, Theo Vaughn just pounded a Sao Paulo strawberry lemonade. He says, I know Jordan's there.

It's true. You can tell him I'm here, there. It's true. Yeah. Yeah. You can tell him I'm here, Kevin. Yeah. Tell him. Just tell him we're here. Tell him we're both here. It seems like we're trying to keep something.

Now it feels like we're being sneaky and I never want to. I never want to do that with Hayes, especially on a podcast where I'm at my most honest. It's like a marriage, you know? So I responded to the listener. Jordan and Sean are here. He responded. Oh, sick, love those guys. Oh, wow, that's fucking really nice. Yeah, we're huge fans, too.

I'm a huge fan. I don't know about you, Sean. I'm a huge fan. Yeah, say, hey, they like your shit, too, man. They're freaking out that you're here. Mutual appreciation society. Yeah. Shouldn't Jordan be designing the bubble theme park

we're talking about it we're talking about it we just want to get it right you know we just want to get it right because like you know there's so many fans out there and like and that's who we do it for is the fans it's not for you to ride the rides you will i will ride the ride your head off and i'll have a great time and hey when i get off the ride i'll go to the gift shop all right and i'll buy a you know photo of myself on a ride that i created well that's you're creating yeah and you're creating jobs and will that be fun for me yeah to like create a world and to create jobs and to create joy like yeah i would love to that, and it'll make me feel good, but what I'm doing it for is the fans and the people who need jobs.

Mm-hmm. And single moms. I'm doing it for them, too. Hey, and if I can make a dollar and a cent making kids smile, that's not the worst thing I've ever heard. Okay, I'll take it. I got bills, you know. Yeah.

Fact is, in the crazy hustle muzzle we all talk about, there's bills to pay. There's bills. It's part of the muzzle. The hustle and the muzzle. It has bills. Oh, no. Just, yeah.

So tell Hayes. Hayes is asking about the... So Jordan said they want to get it right about the theme park. Hayes said, okay, so he should be designing it? Doesn't really answer my question. Or is he agreeing with me? Confused. We're in early concept art phases.

And first say, the ancient philosopher? That's good. He's going to think I came up with that because that totally is like something I would say now do say that Jordan came up with that because I am like 10% worried that it's like offensive

maybe I should also say Jordan maybe say that you're joking about me coming up with it Kevin said Jordan came up with that and hayes said yeah no shit so the transcript actually will do good good for me and are you gonna release this like transcript for people to like read it like read along with the show the judge will go over it oh good okay love that guy. Happy for all his success. Everyone here is too.

Wow. Oh, wow. Everybody in the podcast CVS with the hot bar is. That's great. That's awesome. That's awesome. Yeah. Ask him.

Can you ask him specifically who else is in there? They all were asked to do voices on the Bubble podcast, so I get it them just theo vaughn it's mainly theo vaughn it seems yeah we wanted to we wanted to work with vaughn on the podcast but just like oh everybody's so busy timing schedules right it's a nightmare you know and that's you know that's we've been wanting to do this forever have you on and we've been wanting to have almost anyone else on as well yeah and it's just you know and it's really really hard there's that hustle muzzle and you know i gotta take so much time to update all my little networks and darius is here so it's this theovana darius yeah there's the hustle muzzle and am i crazy or sometimes you you find someone they go i can't do it at that

time you know i'm i'm busy i you know i'm working and then what do you do you open up snap talk you look at face tweets and they're and they're out taking pictures goofy selfies at the bubble theme park with their friends at the same time that that's work yeah i say that's where you know yeah you're taking selfies with the uh yeah the giant styrofoam mike mitchell character sure right no it's true yeah well anyway i i'm fucking bored man i'm gonna go okay uh do I go too or do I sit here and keep... We promised we'd always be honest with each other. No, thanks, man. I care about you so much.

I appreciate... I'm just so sick of doing this. I appreciate that you're being raw with me, man. Live your truth. That's beautiful. It's fucking beautiful, dude. If you want to keep talking to Hayes, you can go for it.

No, I'm... You know, I feel like it's... You know, I kind of like got what I needed to out of this. Yeah. And had some fun, but I don you know I feel like it's you know I kind of like got what I needed to out of this and and had you know and had some fun but you know I don't know honestly don't really know where it goes from here so okay maybe no but but the comic book everybody

you know I haven't seen it but it sounds pretty cool bye Hollywood Handbook this week on the Patreon Carl and Ahsan discuss music from 1986, the boys call IMDB's customer service, and the flagrant ones are mostly talking

all things basketball. Check out these bonus podcasts and videos of the full episodes, including today's with Jordan at patreon.com slash the flagrant ones. Hollywood Handbook That was a HeadGum Podcast.