Hollywood Handbook - Hollywood Masterclass S3E1: The "Poker" Game

Episode Date: August 30, 2021

Enjoy the first episode of season 3 of Hollywood Masterclass! The rest of the season will be released at Patreon.com/TheFlagrantOnes and Stitcher Premium. Bang has atrophied. It’s pathetic. He’s honestly scaring us. Shonk and Brettt gotta save his happy meal ass…again. Time to get the damn band back together. For a free month of Stitcher Premium, go to stitcherpremium.com/masterclass, click start free trial, select the monthly plan, and enter code "masterclass." That’s stitcherpremium.com/masterclass, promo code masterclass.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Bang! Rajman. Ah, yes. Hey, what's up, guys? Good to see you guys. What's up? Good to see you. Good to see you. Yeah, he's here, Brett. Yep, told you he'd come. Yeah, when do the rest of the guys show up? Yeah. The other guys. Yeah. Yeah. Any minute now, I think. They'll be here, right? Brett, did you say? Yeah. I got a couple of great guys coming,

man. Great guys. Very cool. Crew. Yeah. Ready to play a little cards. I just downloaded Donk House. I haven't used it before, but... Donk House, yeah, such an app. Yeah, and you've got your account and you've got your invite and everything, right? Yeah, yeah, it all came through. And do you see the room? The room is open now for you to... Yeah, yeah, I'm ready, man.

Who do I... Do I have to like Venmo or is that at the end of the night? We'll deal... Yeah, we'll deal with that at the end of the night. I'm just so thrilled, you know, that you're, that you're in here. Yeah. This is fun. Yeah.

Yeah. So, uh, poker night with the boys and this, the, you know, I was starting to think you weren't going to make it to the zoom. Yeah. I was, I was, I appreciate the invite. I was surprised. Um, I was curious who was going to be here. Cause you, you BCC the, the invite list was surprised um i was curious who was going to be here because you bcc'd the the invite list but yeah well there's famous people on that list yeah that's the thing is some heavy hitters you know some of brett's front brett is in some pretty wild circles you know some a-listers so cool man i'm excited to see who's going to show up he can't just give you their email. Begg's like, I want the emails. Give me the emails I have. You know, I'm going to see if John Hamm will be in my short. Yeah. My Sundance short.

I mean, no, I wouldn't. I'm not that kind of person who would email other people. I'm fucking teasing, Begg. He's fucking with you. Dude. All right. Yeah, cool. It's a joke man

no seriously i'm happy you're here and i'm happy to uh you know start the card game so um you know the other uh the other people um might not be in the zoom yet but we can just uh shuffle up and deal you just want to get started the with the three of us? Just maybe a warm up. Just go on. Sean, what's up with your tone right now? It's like real, like, is there a joke or something? Who, me? Yeah, yeah.

You sound like a little kid with a secret. Is he talking to me, Brett? I think he is. Yeah, he's talking to me, Brett? I think he is. Yeah, he's talking to me. Have you done this Zoom thing before? Sometimes, like for... I have done Zoom, yeah. I mean, we've been in a pandemic for over a year.

I've done... We have, yeah. It's really hurt our relationship, huh? The three of us haven't been together. Yeah. Turned out this is the only way to get us together, huh? The three of us haven't been together. Yeah. This is the only way to get us together, huh? Get the old poker game going.

Well, yeah. I've been super busy and I'm glad we're able to just finally catch up. He's the only one that's busy, Brett. Yeah, like I'm not busy. I didn't mean it like that. Bang's busier than we are. I mean, I had to cancel a ton of

parties to come to this poker because I thought it was worth it. Well, I'll tell you what. You were throwing parties? You were throwing multiple parties and you canceled those parties? I canceled a bunch.

Yeah, I mean, there's an 11.30, then I got multiple parties and you canceled those parties? I canceled a bunch. Okay. There's an 11.30, then I got a 3 p.m. Start up the grill around 5. First two parties, no grill. First two parties, no grill activated. Grill is for the

5 o'clock party only. If you come to the 11.30 party and you go, I'm looking for a Berg. No, you're at the wrong one. Come back at five because he will kick up the grill at five. And I've learned that about Brett's parties. I eat before if I'm going. Yeah. I mean, I'm excited to play poker,

but I do have a lot of questions about the parties. If you're only invited to one of the earlier parties, do you have to leave before the next party starts up? It would be a little awkward if you're only invited to one of the earlier parties, do you have to leave before the next party starts up? It would be a little awkward if you didn't. You know. That's it. I mean, it depends on the invite.

That's overstaying your welcome, Bang. There's a limit. And if, again, you want to know the guest list so bad, and I totally get that. You're like dying to know who my friends are coming. Exactly who. And then he's like, and can I get, should we text with each other?

This is Bang talking to. Oh, is Colin Hanks coming? Yeah. I mean, if these are really high profile people, you would think like they would, they would be very offended if you were like, you have to get out of here. I have new guests coming. I mean, it's kind of a known thing around town. It's like a double header, or triple header in this case. This is Bang at the three o'clock party. Hey, Danny DeVito,

will you leave my outgoing voicemail? So, your friends are Danny DeVito, Colin Hanks, and I can't even remember who else. And you can't remember, and it was Jon Hamm, and you asked him to be in your Sundance short. Jon Hamm, yeah.

I mean, these don't seem like the biggest names out there. No offense to them, but I wouldn't be like starstruck seeing these guys. Okay. More famous than you. Yeah, they're more famous. A lot more. More famous than you. Yeah. They're more famous. A lot more. I never said I was famous.

A lot more. No, but you're somehow in a position to judge how famous they are. You know. Listen, should we just deal? I think maybe we should. Hey, Brett. Yeah. Shuffle up and deal.

Don't mind if I do. And you hear that sound, everyone. And that music means, of course, that it's time for yet another Masterclass. Wait, what are you doing? I'm Sean Clemens. And... The fuck is this, man? Welcome to my Mr. Clutz. that felt clean that was good okay so what are we doing i thought we were just playing poker

what i thought we were just playing i thought you were done with this. Bang, this is an intervention. This is an intervention. You are atrophying creatively. We have been terrified watching you during this pandemic. Your creative muscles have shriveled up in a little tiny, they look like little just old shoot up slim gyms now. And when you were working with us, when Brett and I were molding you and massaging those creative muscles, really digging in there and giving little electric jolts to them and having you work them out.

I feel like I've been doing fine. I mean, I sold- They were big bulbous. You sold what? What did you sell? I sold three screenplays to Apple Plus. Oh, please. Apple minus.

Apple minus. I mean, I just feel like I've been... Hang on, let me go through all the shows that people watch on Apple Plus. Let me look at all the screenplays that have been successful on there. Hang on, I'm looking. I'm looking. Oh, yeah. Jason Momoa, his eyes fell out. Fuck off.

I think that was a TV show. Fuck off. Was that your idea? No, it wasn't. That wasn't my idea. I haven't watched it, but it wasn't a movie. I mean, I don't know. I think people liked Greyhound.

On the rocks. Let's see. Oh, yeah. This looks pretty good, actually. What is this? Don't worry. Yeah, I haven't seen that either. Are you just scanning what's on Apple Plus right now?

Yeah. Well, you forced my hand here, Bang, because you're the one who's bringing it up like it's some big hotshot deal. I've literally never heard of it before this. Listen, you see... So yeah, you sold three screenplays to him. Big whoop.

The fact is, Bang, we've been scared. We had to trick you to get in here and we take your creativity more seriously than you do, apparently. I got out of line for the vaccine to come to this. Whoa. Why did you do that? I was next in line for the vaccine. I had been there for hours. Hours. You should have definitely stayed. I slept there overnight. How did you qualify, Chog? Some bullshit. Some fucking...

The medical thing? Well, he seems very susceptible to... Susceptical. You know what? Just get the vaccine, man. Why don't we call it a day? Yes, I misspoke. Oh, yeah. I'll just walk right back up to the front of the line. They'll love that.

I don't even have the scrubs I stole anymore. Wait, were you pretending to be a medical professional? Oh, my God. I'm pretending, pretending, pretending. I'm an actor. I'm a performer. I'm an artist. So you're acting. The line between what's imaginary and real doesn't exist for me. I am an artist. I was doing art as a fake orderly for Kaiser Permanente. Okay, so yeah, you're pretending. I mean, your Twitter bio says I play pretend.

I do, and it is play for me. And it is work and when you play for work you'll never you'll work your you are that's a recipe it's not a that's not an aphorism of any kind yeah not yet because it keeps getting interrupted all right go ahead yeah so so so when um now so when you're when your work is your play, that's playing for keeps. When your work is your play, that's playing for keeps. You know what? It's not my masterclass. It is my masterclass. It's not your masterclass. You're taking the class.

And by the way, you're on the hook now, pal, because you promised at the end of the last one that, and I told you you would, that you would come crawling back that after, if the last one, which was free, but if you take the next one, got to pay for both of them. Right. And I paid you. I thought that...

You did, yes. We settled that. I paid you more than what you were charging for the class because I thought you could use it. Because you got so much out of it. Sure. And I did use it. I used it for a lot of the equipment and things that we're going to be using for this class. And I'm actually really excited to see you thrive because we tried acting total bust. You fucked up. You sucked.

We tried writing, right? A little better. He had a sort of a jud complex, but other than that, I think we made some progress, but ultimately like now we're hanging out in the gutter selling screenplays to Apple+. And what I realized is it's time to change course.

What do you mean? I mean music. That's what I mean. Music. Music. I mean, why would we do that i mean either one of us has any real musical skill exactly and that's why i think in the past part of what weighed us down right was all these bad habits you developed and all these ways in which you thought you had experience with acting and you thought you knew what it meant to write. And I ultimately am admitting it was my failure

as a teacher. I couldn't break those habits. You were chained up and calcified and in this shell of just dumb shit you were like doing that sucked. And I thought, oh, well, I'm strong enough. I'm brave enough. I'm going to get my, you know, teaching sword, and I'm going to slay the dragons of all Bang's bad habits. And ultimately, I wasn't able to do that. And I'm embarrassed to admit that. But there, I said it. You were too shitty. You sucked. And I couldn't fix it. But now, to start with a clean slate where not only do you not have any bad habits when it relates to music, I don't have any knowledge or experience at all. Right. That's why I'm thinking this is a bad idea. I mean, even just most teachers don't tell their students that they're shitty and they suck, period. At acting and writing. And this is after the fact. I didn't tell you that during the class when I still had hope for you, but let's face it, man. I mean, what was the screenplay you sold to Apple Plus? It was actually based on some of the stuff we talked about

in the class that you weren't crazy about. Oh my god. And they bought that? They did, yeah. I sold it in the room. How much? I mean, I don't want to get into money. Nah, me neither. Me neither. More than... Like six figures,

yeah. Yeah, more... Okay Me neither. More than more than like six figures. Yeah. Yeah. More. Okay. And the decimal point is the decimal point is after after the change. Yeah. Comma after the the sense.

Yeah. Decimal points after the sense or before. I don't know. I'm just saying six figures. So like if I have like two thousand dollars

yeah two zero zero zero decimal point does that count as a figure not really but that's four and then if it was like two thousand dollars and 25 cents that's six figures i mean that's yeah they usually they don't count the cents as part of the... Which is why I asked. Right. And your answer was clear as mud. I was so confused. I was so confused by the question. I couldn't give you a great answer.

He was confused, Brett. Should this be a math class? Yeah. Welcome to my math-ter class. I mean, it would even make sense if Brett was... Brett has a music background at the very least. Thank you. And we're going to try not to let that hinder us. Obviously, there will be some moments where,

yes, Brett can use some of the old style. But I think what's so beautiful and exciting about this is you're right, Bang. You're right. For once, you're right. I have literally no formal training. And it's a challenge, but it's also an opportunity because, no, I'm not a musician, but I'm quite musical. I'm naturally musical. And that, I think, gives us an enormous advantage because just based on instinct and my internal musicality, I'm going to be able to draw out of you the artist, the musical artist that lives inside you. Listen, your Zoom is filled with

what looks like food from TGI Fridays. And I'm getting the... Looks like or is. Or is, yeah. I mean, it's wrappers and novelty bottles and stuff. Mm-hmm.

What's... It's making me worried about how you're going about your days and maybe you're putting yourself in some at risk because it's not friday no it's it's more you're going to crowded restaurants and stuff oh well i you you want to wait in a vaccine long line as long as i did you're gonna want some snacks with you actually because i mean and believe me people are some of these ass, these mask psychos who are like, don't take off your mask to eat potato skins around me. And I'm like, first of all,

it's a loaded potato skin. So the idea, yes, if it had no toppings on it, maybe I could slide it in under my mask. But the way this thing is constructed, I'm going to be getting sour cream, chives, bacon, and cheddar cheese all up on the bottom of my mask. No, thank you. I'm doing the polite thing. I'm doing the respectful thing. And by the way, I must have been practically six feet away from this guy. I mean, not literally, but you know. Yeah, you're supposed to be literally six feet. He's getting the vaccine. Maybe.

I mean, plus, I don't think he was factoring in you sliding the potato skin under your mask. I think he was saying like, you shouldn't be eating here at all, be it a loaded potato skin or not, or just a plain potato skin. Bang. I was there for two hours almost. That's not that long. Okay. Yeah. I'd love to see you not eat for two hours. You'd be crying for your mommy, pounding on the ground, throwing a little hissy fit. I don't eat for two hours every single day, probably of my life. Oh my God. This guy's showing off. I love when you have to

like, you're so embarrassed that I'm naturally musical and have proven it. And you're not naturally musical that now you have to like change the subject and make it about like, I cannot eat longer than anyone when if you went two hours without eating you'd be pounding on the ground calling for your mommy like the kid whose truck I took at the playground last week I also

I'm gonna bring it up now while we're talking about mask your mask disturbs me it's of my face so it's yes like a mirror the sincerest form of Your mask disturbs me. It's of my face. So? It's like a mirror. The sincerest form of flattery.

It's tribute. Yeah, but don't you think it... You're going around, you're doing kind of reckless behavior with my face on. But the face you're making on the mask is not the face that you're making in the Zoom right now. No, it's kind of like a cocky... Yeah, it's contorted into something of a rakish smirk. Yeah, yeah. It adds to... One eyebrow cocked and just like a little dimple in the one cheek. Yeah, it's not a face I make normally. No, I had it designed. Well, listen, wouldn't hurt you to smile more.

The famous masked prankster of the vaccine line. If I take this class, would you just wait longer in the line, get vaccinated, and maybe stop going to your restaurant? Now he wants to negotiate. I'm talking to Bang the Lawyer. Maybe I'll take your law masterclass after you take the music one. He's in the bargaining

phase. Yes. First he was in denial, thought it was a poker game. Then it was anger, wanted to be naturally musical like me, but he's not. Now we're in bargaining. Soon comes depression, which is me, but he's not. Now we're in bargaining. Soon comes depression, which is actually probably where he should be.

I did think it was a poker game. And I was angry. Yeah. Let's talk about what it means to be musical. Brett. Oh, God. Tell a little story. Not too funny, but just don't make it too funny.

But Brett, just tell a little story so we can just, we can hear the rhythm of how you speak. Brett, who by Bang's own admission is somewhat musical. Yeah. Yeah. He's a musician. He should be teaching this to both of us. Brent, just tell a quick story. Not too funny.

That's not what we're doing, but just a little story. Something from your day. Whatever you want. Okay. Something from my day. So I took out my phone, iPhone Max, go to the...

What did I say? Go ahead. I'm sorry. You're on notice, counselor. You're on thin ice. Is there an inside joke here? It was iPhone Max. It's funny. I mean, you said

Apple Plus before. iPhone Max. about max i mean it's like it's funny i mean you said apple plus before yes so iphone max right then he's sort of huh all right so you know parodying you you know satirical they're both what the products are called swipe through go to a little door dash decide hey I want a sandwich it's so Brett it's so perfect this was today yes no no you made that quite clear

I look I type in sandwich and uh dozens of options no okay yeah I know where this is going and dozens of options. No. Okay. Yeah.

I know where this is going, but go ahead. I don't know where this is going. It just sounds like you're just... No, and Brett's cheating a little. I did tell him, hey, you know, it's not supposed to be funny, but...

Isn't this a story about music? No, it's not, Bang. It's a story about being musical, which is Brett starts talking and I can basically fucking dance to it, man. I mean, to put it in your parlance, Bang, it's got that rhythm, Jack. Come on, Jack, you can dance to this stuff. Brett starts talking and I hear the melody. It's so fluid. I mean, you start talking.

Brett starts talking and it's, ooh, skibbity-bobbity-zabbity-zow. You feel that? It's skibbity-zabbity-zeezop. Ooh, you feel that rhythm, Jack? You talk, it's thud, plop, blop. It sounds like fucking shit. It sounds like a fucking giant taking shit it sounds like a toddler banging on a piano sounds like the damn goddamn kid i stole

the truck from at the playground it's just because you realize you're you're translating in my voice in two different ways you think i I talk like I feel that rhythm, Jack, but then I also talk with Bloom Black. This is the vocabulary you use. Yeah. Okay, sure. Is this an actual story or is this just something that happened in your day?

It sounds just kind of like nothing. Doesn't need to be. Doesn't need to be, you know, because it is about being musical. Okay, sounds like more of a list of what happened to you. It's an allegory. Yeah. So, you know, the iPhone Max thing I referred to earlier? Right. Yeah.

I loved that. Started out with a bang. No, I mean. Not you, man. Not you. Not referring to you. Okay. But he can't help it. No. How was that an allegory? It's these connections.

It's these patterns, you know? These connections, this wordplay, it just comes out. Okay. You're just a channel. It comes through you, comes out the other end. A story, bang. So iPhone 12 plus max, okay? That's the chorus.

And I'm starting out with the chorus. Boom. Okay? Mm-hmm. That's the chorus. And I'm starting out with the chorus. Boom. So you start out with iPhone Max, and then the chorus is iPhone 12 Plus Max. Mm-hmm. Well, yeah, you save the rest of it. See how it builds? You build.

And all of this stuff you'll learn. Are you guys zooming from the same place? I'm noticing, I think can see shank in the background that's not part of what was so funny about the sandwich thing is like i know you've been eating tgi friday's apps with me doggie i'm making up this sandwich story and i was like banks falling for it i mean your face bag when he said he was gonna order a sandwich was like uh-huh yeah i think you did it's like i know where this is going he didn't order jack shit man because i got back from the vaccine line which was a total bust cut up my scrubs threw him down the garbage chute and i

said hey let's have a fucking feast man i got these i got tgf fridays i got the freaking jack daniel sauce everything all right i think I have an iPhone 12 plus, Max? Come on, bitch. Oh, so the whole story was bullshit? That was a lie? But that's music, right? It doesn't have to have happened to you for it to be a song. I mean, I was musical from such a young age, Bang,

and I was immediately connected to these sounds and these extremely advanced musical concepts and these songs and just things that adults now can't even wrap their head around. Wheels on the bus, you know, twinkle, twinkle, these things, these incredibly advanced, like very adult themed, very sort of dark, fucked up songs that had these complex rhythms and melodies that people now don't understand. Alphabet song. I don't know if you know this, but Bingo, Old MacDonald and these things. And I would sneak into the secret restricted areas of the army base and I would get inside the tanks where the acoustics were better. And I'd be singing and I'd sing so hard in there, just even as a child, as a baby, six months old, I'd be singing so hard that the tanks would shoot their guns off and they would

blast houses into dust, whole houses. And I'd run over and I'd just climb out of the tank and I'd pick up a big hunk of smoking rubble that used to be someone's house. Okay, I know we haven't talked in a while, but you had lost your memory of your childhood. It sounds like it's come back, but it's far more terrifying than what you led me on to believe. I mean, I want to know more about it. I feel like that's way crazier than any of this musical stuff that

you're telling me that like you had an insight into the... Well, it is the musical stuff I'm telling you. I mean, you didn't even let me get to... I would pick up this hunk of smoking rubble that used to be some family's faucet and I would pretend it was my icophone, I used to call it. This is my icophone. That's how I pronounce it. I was six months old, maybe even younger. Well, that's way too used to call it. This is my icophone, you know. That's how I pronounce it. I was six months old, maybe even younger. That's way too early to be talking. And I'd go, oh, this is my icophone. And I'd sing and I'd go, and I'd go.

I'd rock out and I'd go, I had a big McDonald and a fucking dog. And I'd be, you know, interpolating and syncopizing. This is impossible, Sean. You know, doing these things. No, it's true. And then the head of the army base would come out and he'd zap me with the zapper and he'd shock me and he'd put me back in the tank, the fluid tank. It wasn't water, but it was some, you know, and they'd put the material over my bones. I think, wow, it might be time to see a therapist

or talk to somebody about these memories. I mean, music is therapy. Well, let's talk about your memories, Bing. When did you first realize you wanted to be a musician? When did you first realize that? to be a musician? When did you first realize it? I have never had that realization. Oh. Yeah.

Oh, okay. I'm not skilled. Okay. So if I come to your house right now, I won't find any records? No, I love music. Yeah, I have a bunch of records. Oh, my gosh. He loves music.

Okay. Wow. Took long enough. There's no music in his house. There's no records. Okay. Do you want to enough. There's no music in his house. There's no records. Okay. Do you want to be an artist? I thought you were an artist.

That's my mistake. Music is art, right? Yeah, totally. Music is art. Yes. I thought you were an artist. Yeah, but there's... And you see how the master class

is already helping you and you're realizing that you actually can't find your damn asshole with both hands and you've been rooting around looking for the thing. You're going to have to elaborate. Brett and I have to show you where your asshole

is. Guess we have to. Okay. By teaching you that in fact you love music and you want to be an artist and you are trying to do music and you do need our help. That's helping find my asshole. Musically. That's helping you find your damn asshole with both damn hands.

Musically. Musically, you have to find your asshole. I'm also curious what the benefit of finding my asshole is. Okay. You want to clean it every once in a while? Thank you. And I didn't want to have to even say it. And I was hoping no one would have to say it, but apparently we do. Okay.

Okay. First things first, let's get the rule book out. Brett, do you have the rule book with you? Okay. You've got yours, right? You see the rule book? See our rule book? Brett, Brett, show them yours.

I got two right here. They're flipping me off right now. Here's your rule book. We're flipping them off. This is audio. I assume you're recording this. We're flipping them off. That's right. They're both flipping me off.

There's the fucking rule book. To put it into terms you're going to understand, Bang, that's the fucking rule book, Jack. Okay, I get it. That's the damn rule book, Bang. So there's no rule book. That's right. You're in Judd territory, baby.

There's no right way to do it. That said, you've been doing it wrong, so let's make a few rules. Listen to us. That's rule one. I mean, does talking about Judd still apply? He's not a musician. He's an artist and he broke the rules. For all we know, he's actually a brilliant musician.

You know, Conan plays guitar. Right. Conan plays guitar. He's my favorite guitarist. What does that have to do with Judd? Are they not related in your mind? No. Football players take ballet classes. You think that Judd has some musical background to help him with his writing? Bang, the point is, he threw out the rulebook and so did we. That said, although there is no wrong way to do it, you are doing it wrong. We do need some rules. Rule number one, listen.

If you listen to us, you're going to learn. And if you learn one single note from this class, if you learn one note, it will have been a success. I'm not here to say, this note goes here and oh, you can't do that. And that note goes over there. And oh, this is this note. And oh, that's what that note's called and you know it's all for me it's emotion for me it's feeling I'm looking to literally teach you one single note and because it's a class I hope it's not an F

that was that was pretty good Brett an F note oh my god this is a class do you like that Brett Get an F in class. It's so good. And that's music. So good. That's music. And that's music.

Baby cakes. These aren't, you know, here's how we're going to do this. What is this? It's a good question. What are we doing? Because it's... What are you talking... I the problem i think part of

the problem is you you're thinking of it as music class and you know what it is it's sponge classes these are sponge classes bag okay what what absorbs what absorbs a sponge absorbs sponge yes sponge Yes. Sponge. Sponge. I'm not thinking of this as music class. I thought this was a poker game. You know what a sponge is, Bang? Yeah. No, you don't.

Because a sponge doesn't. A sponge would need to absorb what a sponge is to know what it was. And it would need sponge classes to do that. So if you know what a sponge is, get out of class right now. Okay. Get out of class right now

because you don't need our help, but you do. So think about that. Yeah. Now I'm going to ask you again if you know what a sponge is and say no this time. Sure. Do you know what a sponge is?

No, I don't. I'm not a sponge. See? And a sponge wouldn't know what a sponge is unless it absorbed what it is. And now you're learning. Does that feel good? That had to feel pretty good. Shock feels great, man.

Now, we've already booked a rooftop concert. We expect a huge crowd. So we will be ending this class with a rooftop concert. So we do actually need you to learn more than one note. I was being a little bit hyperbolic when I said you could learn just one note. We actually need you to learn a bunch because we are going to be out a shit ton on the venue um we're expecting a huge crowd uh maskless crowd ideally we do believe it will be safe why do they have to have no mask eight weeks away bang at least so what i'm saying is we got a fucking two-month runway here

to get at least one really kick-ass song together that we will be playing on a rooftop. We did shell out a ton for the venue, a lot more than you paid me for those two classes, and we lose the entire deposit if you don't show up and rock their world. How many people are living with you guys? There are a lot of people in the background of your Zoom.

Okay. What's your point? I'm just saying, like, this all seems incredibly risky. Hang on, let me go count the people. Dude,

the riskiest thing would be to lose that connection with humanity that we have. That's when you stop creating. That's when you with humanity that we have that's when you stop creating that's when you stop being an artist that's when you stop writing songs and making music which is what we all got into this damn thing to do now look here's your first sponge class any sound can be music that's right brett make a sound That's right.

Brett, make a sound. Hear that, right? Yeah, I was... Hear that? Was that the sound of you sniffing into the mic? Yeah. But... Right? He's already taking off.

Okay, now you guys are... Snorting and lighting things using a lighter. Oh my God. Sean just took out a knife, which has no noise, but he's just showing us his knife. And that is music to him. And now he's sticking his tongue out. He's doing stuff that is silent and he's miming, cutting himself. Anything can be music.

Okay, but... Anything. Sean, I know this is your class, quote-unquote, but don't you think it's hard to make anything music if it's not making any sound? Check this out. Unless that was a noise, at least. iPhone.

Right? Brett's song from earlier has now become, it's come to life. Bang. I'm hitting a can with an iPhone. You hear it? And that's music. So just make a sound.

Freedom. No mistakes. Make a sound. Okay. Sure. Sounds like shit. That sucked. What the fuck are fuck are you talking you can't fucking make that music you're being you're being a goofball you're trying to do your comedy routine this is music what the hell was that this is not right i just kind of that sounds like shit like a toddler well I mean, you guys are just sniffing and...

This coming from the guy who doesn't need to find his asshole because he doesn't wipe his ass. Yeah. And now he's making this noise? Jesus, man. Why do I need to know where my asshole is? That really disturbed me. I'm still not over that. I'm shook.

Don't just make random shit, man. Find the rhythm. Yeah. The rhythm. Like Brett, you know make random shit, man. Find the rhythm. Yeah. The rhythm. Like Brett, you know? Try again, man. That's a ripoff. I mean, you just ripped me off.

Okay, well, I was going to say, the point is for you to have your own voice by the end of this. I could sue you for that. Look, why don't we, let's not do, obviously the idea of like random sounds and finding environmental noises is like beyond you. Let's try some real instruments. That seems like a huge jump.

Let's try some music, man. I mean, Brett, do you want to give this guy a beat? Let's find where are you comfortable? What's your instrument going to be? What's your funky zone? You like to say, what's my funky zone, Jack? That's a great question. I think my answer would probably

be I wouldn't be comfortable. I don't have any... Who are your influences? Don't say Slender Man, Bye Bye Man, all this stuff. We're not in that class anymore. Don't say my influence is Slender Man. I'm going to make that... Or do. I mean, or do that.

Do you want to do that? Sure. Yeah, let's do that. Yeah, my influence is Slender Man. Okay, that's not going to work for this class. And Bye Bye Man. That's not going to work for this class. And Bye Bye Man. That's not going to work for this class. Beetlejuice Man, I assume?

Yes. Beetlejuice Man. The Snowman. Snowman, sure. Mr. Police, I gave you all the tunes. Something, you know. Yeah, yeah. Those guys got me into music, Sean.

Okay, great. So what I want to do is just, Brett's going to play a sound bed and we're going to let you try a couple different approaches and we're going to find where your funky zone is. Brett, do you have it? Yeah, here we go. All right, bang.

Time. Be a guitar. Go. Be a guitar. Play guitar. Guitar. Be a guitar. Go. Be a guitar. Play guitar? Guitar. Be a guitar. Be a guitar.

I know you don't know how to play it. Okay. Okay. Be a flute. Be a flute. Be a flute. Tuba time. Tuba? Give me that tuba time tuba give me that tuba more trumpet that's more trumpet okay hop on the keys

kind of like a triangle or something. Go ahead. I know these are drums. You do the drums. Double drums. Drum with the drums. Okay. I think you have a broken, like a busted drum head or something.

Okay. Yeah, it was hard to do with the drums also on in my headphones you gotta tune it that was fun guys um so what what note were you playing i have no fucking clue what octaves i don't know i mean i'm what subgenre? Slender man. This actually was really helpful. For? Because I know what you are now. Okay.

You're a vocals guy, baby. You're a lead singer. Not because I think you have a singing voice to speak of, but you're so far away from understanding any instrument at all. And a lot of instruments didn't even sound like the instruments I asked for. At least I know you can fucking talk, dude. Barely.

And you barely make any damn sense when you do it. But at least I know you can damn well talk, dude. Yeah, well, you seem... I mean, you don't make no damn sense when you do it, but it's a start, okay? These criticisms are pretty arbitrary, not based on much. So you think that you would have more success as a lead guitarist or flautist than you would as a lead singer at this stage in your musical training? I don't. I think I would. Oh my God. He just admit it. Again, man, I didn't

sign up for this. Buddy, that's why you need it. If you signed up for it, I would say, don't take the class. Literally, if you had signed up for it, I would say, you know what? Don't take the class.

Don't show up. Because you actually are aware of your shortcomings as an artist and you have a desire to grow. But because you didn't sign up for it, God, you need this, Bang.

Jesus, you need this. Have you guys ever taught anybody else? Oh, please. Oh my God. I'm not even going to. That's like. It's crazy.

As a vocalist, I'm excited to hear what you have to do. And I'm going to ask you a quick question. Look at Brett's body. Okay. Take a gander. Look at this shit body. Okay. Take a gander. Look at this shit. Yeah. How do you think he gets that, man?

You think he just walks into the gym and just does a damn 800-pound deadlift right off the rip? I mean, that is probably a lot of genetics. Knowing his diet, I don't know how he— So you think he just woke up with it? Or do you think he dragged his ass over to the goddamn fucking squat rack and pushed 10 damn plates? Yeah, I mean, he must work out pretty aggressively. Yeah.

That's true. Yeah. And he probably warmed up. So let's warm up. Open your throat, huge. Okay. Huge. Huge bullfrog.

Big throat. I stick a full fucking broom in my throat every morning and I swirl it around. Like the end with the... I take the fat end of the broom. The fat... So the end with

the brush of the bristles. The bristles. I put the brussels the brussels i put the brussels that's fucking i put the fucking brussel brand right down there baby i shake it up and that has opened my throat so big that i can do incredible things with my vocals let's do a warm-up let's do a quick warm-up. Okay, ready? You know Big Booty Biscuit? You know Big Booty Biscuit? Remind me.

The Big Booty Biscuit bunched up its butt skin. The Big Booty Biscuit bunched up its butt skin. The Big Booty Biscuit bunched up its butt skin. The Big Booty Biscuit bunched up its butt skin. The Big Booty Biscuit bunched up its butt skin. Beetle Bailey buttered Bill Burr's bronze buns.

Wait, say that again? You're kind of popping. Beetle Bailey buttered Bill Burr's bronze buns. Beetle Birdie butter. Beetle Bailey. Beetle Bailey. Beetle Bailey. Beetle Bailey.

Beetle Bailey. Bill Burr's bronze buns. Bill Burr's bronze buns. Bill Burr's bronze buns. Brie Bella bonked Bo Bridges bumpy bottom. Wait, wait. Brie Bella bonked Bo Bridges bumpy bottom. See, we're only on the Bs. Wait, this goes through the whole alphabet?

Yes, we go through the whole alphabet normally. Today, we won't go through the whole alphabet normally today we won't go through the whole alphabet we will be doing other letters later on the letter b is essential if you can say b's you can sing anything but this right now pretty simple warm-up actually the easiest one big booty biscuit so the big booty biscuit bunched up its butt skin beetle belly buttered bill burrs bronze buns brie bella bonked, Bo Bridges bumpy bottom. And you get three of these. Brie Bella bonked, Bo Bridges bottom? Bumpy bottom.

Bob, Bob. And bang, sing it bang. Do we wrap around back to the A's later? We don't need A's. Okay. You're being an A-hole. Come back to the A's. Don't be an A-hole.

Sing these. Sure. What is it? Bunched up its butt skin. You know, like, give me the fucking smoke, man. Bunched up its butt skin. Give me the fucking smoke, dude. It's Bunched up its butt skin?

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. up its butt skin? Oh my god. Oh my god. Big booty biscuit. Oh my god. This is gonna be a work. I'm hearing these for the first time. My memory's not that great. Big booty biscuit bunched up its butt skin. Brett.

I mean that... Oh boy. Brett, what do you say we give Bang a little taste of what we might be able to do at the end of this if he actually listens to us sure give me that beat again this is just some inspiration man

you hear what those chords are doing to my voice up this buskid. Booty biscuit. Oh, yeah. You hear what those chords are doing to my voice? It's smoky, right? It's raspy, right? You feel that fucking smoke? This doesn't seem much better or worse than what I was just doing, other than it has a bit behind it. Diesel, diesel, basil, skunky, chunky,

mean, stepbrother. You try. You try. Mean, Stepbrother. Ooh, you try. You try. Do some Stepbrother stuff. Stepbrother. Give me raw. Give me raspy. Give me sassy.

Give me boisterous. Ooh, Step... Ooh, Stepbrother. Not like that, like this. Ooh, Schiesel, Dizzle, Dazzy, Mean, Stepbrother. Do some Stepbrother stuff, man. Okay, I don't know where,

like the movie Stepbrothers, is that what inspired you? I've never seen it. Scribba-dabba-dab, my stepbrother. Hold on, the beat didn't even start. Who's in that, Colin Hanks? Rhy-bob-a-dee-ba-dee-boo, my stepbrother. Bang, stop.

Stop. Listen to Nina Simone. Oh, stop. Stop. Listen to Nina Simone. Sure. You don't want to listen to me, apparently? Will you listen to Nina Simone, Bang? Yeah, what you guys were doing didn't seem professional. It didn't seem like you guys had it together. More punk, right?

We're not talking about us, guys. We're talking about Nina Simone. The way she sings, Bang, this song is so French. We're not talking about us, guys. We're talking about Nina Simone. The way she sings, Ne m'écoutais pas. Bang, this song is so French. You need to be that French to sing. I don't speak French because I personally just think

Freedom Fries is a better name. That's my... I am sticking with Freedom Fries. I am sticking with Freedom Fries. I am sticking with Freedom Fries regardless of whether we ever prove they did 9-11. I don't actually care what's real and what's not. That has nothing to do with the origin. And I just told you it doesn't matter

whether they did 9-11 to me or not. I don't care if we prove it. I suspect they did. It did not relate it at all. It was about supporting the invasion of Iraq, which they did not. It probably was a smart not even probably it was the right call well it worked out perfectly for me because i actually think

freedom fries is an awesome fucking name it makes me stoked to eat them okay it makes me actually proud to eat them what you sipping on uh i'm just sipping on some coffee bang what you sipping on? I'm just sipping on some coffee. Bang. What you sipping on? Right now, I'm drinking coffee. No. No. Coffee does not protect your throat.

Your throat is your instrument now. Protect your instrument. Now that I think about it, I should have been weirded out that I agreed to a 10 a.m. poker game. Bang. Forget the poker game. Your throat is your instrument.

Okay. There's a reason they don't make the frigging trumpet out of throat tissue, right? They make it out of metal. It's tough. What you're sipping on now, what you're sipping on, should be molten gold.

Hot metal. Drink hot metal. Protect your instrument. Drink molten metal? The little honey? Not right off the rip. Start with wax. Melt a candle.

Drink the wax. Melt down some plastic. Drink that. But ultimately, we want to get that thing metal. That'll fucking kill me, man. You can't really think that's a good idea. Get a candle with a ginger scent. You can do it. You have to build up. You have to build up. We don't just start up the same way we went through the bees first, right? We didn't do the whole album. Maybe I'll start with tea or something. How's that sound? What kind of tea? Lemon. Hot lemon tea on stage. Okay. That could relax your voice. Puckers your lips. On stage, no iced tea. It tenses your throat. On stage, no. No cold. No.

Okay. Off stage, yes. Okay. Give me cold? Yes. Well, soothe, relax? Okay. Onstage? Yes. Hot tea? Okay. Yes. Fine. I would like you to try drinking a ginger candle. A ginger scented candle. Onstage or? Onstage hot ginger scented candle? Yes. Okay. Cold

candle? No. Not onstage? No, because it tenses the throat. So no cold? Offstage? Yes. Okay. Cold candle, no, not on stage. No, because it tenses the throat. So no cold. Offstage, yes, okay. Cold candle. No cold candle. You can eat it from the bottom. No cold candle.

And then floss your teeth with the wick, yes. Floss my teeth. This seems, I'm so not ready to get on stage. Don't you think we're getting ahead of ourselves a little bit here? We don't have that much time. We don't have a ton of time. We are going to be doing a rooftop concert at the end of the month. Yeah. By the way, Bang,

just hang on a second. If you're just joining us, welcome to my muster cloud. This is Sean Clemons, and I'm teaching on music now. With Bang, Rajman now and with Bang Rajman and with Brett and it is

a really wonderful mixture class. I mean we can see who's joining and no one's popping in on this soon. And if you just showed up and please don't interrupt me again because now I do have to start over and if you're just joining us, Sean Clemons is

here and this is sponge class, but it's mistrial class. Your homework assignment, bang. One, listen to music. That's easy, right? Yeah, I do that every day. That's easy, right? Fun. But really listen. Do you have earphones? Like AirPods? Do you have earphones? Put your earphones in. My earphones? And wear a blindfold. Put your earphones in, wear a blindfold, and walk around and bump into things in your apartment. Should be a private experience. Should be a private experience for you. But for God's sake, don't go to the bathroom, especially knowing that you don't clean that stuff. No, I do. I wipe my ass.

And it's going to be so loud if you're in there. Like, it's going to totally drown out your earphones. Because you think I have a lot. Especially after all that coffee. When I'm doing it, I can't hear anything. I literally go deaf and I lose my sense of taste and smell,

which actually hasn't come back for a while. Well, Jesus Christ, man. You probably got COVID. No, we got a, with the herd here? No. The herd? You guys think you're developing

like a small herd immunity in your loft? Have you heard about the herd? Maybe a song idea. Alright, there you go. You're on the H's. That's maybe a song idea. Can you ask your roommates to do

any kind of intimate stuff in the background of another room or like just not in your line, in the camera's line of sight? Our relationship is not at a place where I feel comfortable asking them for anything else. Your arrangement. Does sexuality scare you?

It doesn't scare me. It's just a little distracting. I mean, they're looking straight down the barrel of your webcam as they fuck. Well, you know,

the relationship I have with my roommates is my own business. And I, if you're frightened by that, join the club because the last time that I did ask them not to do it,

looking at my webcam, they beat my ass. So, what I would like to say for your next homework assignment is, um, we're going to talk about your philosophy, uh, figure out what you want your music to say or better yet, what you want it to sing.

I want you to sing everywhere you go all next week. Come back in with a hit song. And one more thing, small thing, and I'm just going to bring it up. It actually relates a little bit to what you were saying earlier. We're probably going to want to go No Nut November throughout this process. You dig? What the fuck? All right.

We're being creative. We're learning. We're not going. We're learning. We're not going to jerk off this month as though it's November. Look, we're finding inspiration. We're performing. And the last thing we want to do is give away our power to some dirty magazine. Okay?

So this is your job now. You're at work. Bang. Please don't pull a tube in on us. That's not the kind of song we're writing. But we're going to go no, no November for this entire process. Sure. And you, especially.

And what? And you, especially. Either we all do it or we don't like we. No, we all don't do it. That's what no, not November is,

but you, especially. Fine. I'm Sean Clements. And this has been my minst, minst, minst, minst. I'm Sean Clements and this has been my minst minst minst

minst I'm Sean Clements and this has been my Munster's Class I don't understand how do you still not know how to say that what do you mean

are we gonna play poker or was that all a ruse yeah I'd play can you spot me fine Hollywood Masterclass is a production All the roots. Yeah, I'd play. Can you spot me? Fine.

Hollywood Masterclass is a production of The Flagrant Ones in conjunction with Citra Premium. The show is produced and scored by Brett Morris. That was a HeadGum Podcast.