Hollywood Handbook - Howard Kremer, Our Close Friend

Episode Date: July 25, 2016

Hayes and Sean have to reprimand a crazed fan. Then HOWARD KREMER joins the guys to organically discuss a service they all love. This episode is sponsored by Five Four Group.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Right. Because I have, you know, I have the chair and they're like... I need to be sitting down because otherwise my knees will slide all the way down my... Well, actually off, they slid down onto the top of my feet and then off my feet. Past your feet. Yes. I'm sorry, just when you say chair, I'm just because like, you mean the porch swing? Yes, it's a, yes, it's not, yes. I mean, it's not on the porch, but it is like, traditionally that's where.

And it's not a swing, you know, it's not like a wicker or whatever. It's like a, you know, sort of imitation velvet swing. But it does, it does swing around. So I don't, I never have to be under the water for that long. I can sort of swing in and out of the water. Well, and think about this. You're sitting on a chair directly under the water. Somebody flush a toy toy, and the hot get too steamy.

Yes. Right? Yes. And then you can't move. The whole point is you can't stand up, so now you're stuck in the chair. But if you've got to swing... I can swing out of the grass. Well, you grab any one of those chains.

The water. And you can propel yourself back out of the water. Well, so this is actually what happens. I also have the porthole in the shower door, which serves multiple functions, actually. One is I can look out and see if there are any... Beasties or nasties. Yeah, or people spying on me. And it's also sort of a honey trap because the porthole is at the height of my long associate,

were I to be standing up. But instead, anyone who's trying to sneak a peek opens a porthole and it's actually my disapproving eyes instead just a glower yes and so i hear somebody outside flush the toy toy oh and i'm getting very scared i'm about to be burnt up. Hot steam. So I open the porthole to scream at them. And in flies this moth that's like really big. It's like a really huge one, like a jungle moth. And it's flying around. Meanwhile, I can't open the door because my swing, I tried to swing away too aggressively.

I grabbed the chain and accidentally got the swing kind of wedged into sealing the door shut. Oh, no. I've done that in that space. And so the moth, well, it's a two-person swing, obviously. So I was there. so I was there and so the moth is now really having his way

with me in terms of crawling on me and eating a hole in my hair I'm screaming it looks fine

by the way thank you you like you know there's a hole but it almost looks like you wanted it like it's like a cool like

remember John Henson had that skunk patch on his head that he just he owned it yeah yeah it looks like you wanted it. It's like a cool... Remember John Henson had that skunk patch on his head that he owned it? Yeah. Yeah, it looks like you could try to do that with this. And so I'm screaming so loud the moth is screaming too. And eventually... It's not getting wet. It's somehow maneuvering through the streams, the water streams, to attack me.

Well, it sounds like it's from a rainforest. I mean, that's its natural abilities, yeah. But I know that water is something that can destroy it. And so I seal the—I stand up, of my knees slide off. It acts as a natural seal for the drain. The shower starts filling up. And it's like getting up to like sort of my nose height. But the moth is in my hair, so I need it to get that high.

And as soon as it gets high enough, I open the porthole and I blast the moth is in my hair, so I need it to get that high. And as soon as it gets high enough, I open the porthole and I blast the moth out. It gets sucked out with all the water. Oh, good. And so that's why I'm so clean today. Well, I'd like to apologize, actually, just because I feel partially responsible. You know, when you were out of town i was tending your garden obviously i brought a lot of new exotic plants that did have some jungle caterpillars yes and i thought oh what a nice treat it will feel like traveling without having to leave your home. And I did not anticipate that the...

The big banana bunch, I think, is what it all... It smelled like a banana. It smelled like a banana, yeah. So one of those bananas, I believe, was a chrysalis. And I didn't anticipate it hatching this quickly or being this strong. So my B, my B. Hey, welcome to Hollywood Handbook and Insider's Guide to Kicking Button,

Dropping Names, and the Red Carpet Land Bike. How is it this industry we call showbiz? We would love to just get right into the show, but instead we have to talk about something scary and disturbing. of the show, but instead we have to talk about something scary and disturbing. Yeah, we really wrestled with, do we discuss this on air? Is it just encouraging? But ultimately, I think for our safety, it's better that we just say, like, this is going on.

Yes, and it's not so much the original person we're addressing, who I think is sort of too far out of reach to fix at this point. person we're addressing who I think is sort of too far out of reach to fix at this point. It's for others who might be thinking about doing the same thing that we really have to get ahead of and say, no, this is not okay. This is not okay. We have to have boundaries. There is a listener to the show who goes by the name The Goose Man. Juice Man.

One of those. Jweeseman, he's a huge fan of the show. We're obviously his favorite show. That's been clear for some time now. Which is fine. Like, you know, listen to the show, enjoy it. Please. What the Gooseman has ended up doing is he made these shoes with our faces on them, painted on.

Yes. Two shoes for each of us. Two shoes each. So we each have our own full pair, which obviously is overkill to the extreme. Yeah. I mean, clearly what is going on is this person is sort of obsessed with the show. The amount of time that goes into painting four shoes based only on Hayes and I means that I know a lot about this person's lifestyle.

They don't sleep. They don't have a job. They don't have TV, which I normally like in someone who's saying it's an interesting character trait. But then what you like is that they use it to read the book. That they read the book instead because a lot of times the book is better. But instead of that, what he's doing is he's spending all his waking hours painting me and Hayes

and I guess what I guess we had talked about him on the show at some point before we probably we try to do a nice thing where we'll mention our fans where we'll say somebody like I can't even

I'm scared to think of one now just make up a, Okay. Something I would be a fan. Brogmorg. And we'll say, oh, Brogmorg is, Is that his first and last name? Is a sweetie.

Yeah. Well, in my mind, it's his middle name. So Brogmorg is a sweetie, and we'll go like, oh, we saw Brogmorg made a comment online. I've never been online. Yeah, made a sweet comment. And we'll go. And here's a hug, and we'll be like.

And we'll pretend to give a big squeezy. And I know I make an effort in all my ads to remind you that I am your friend. Yes. But that is in order to sell you a product. I'm saying I'm your friend in exchange for money because that's such a thrill to you. You then feel very positive about whatever product I mention afterwards. Imagine you're friends with me. But that's for the ad.

That's not real. And so Gooseman interpreted this in some weird way, I guess, started to believe that we were his real friends. And so naturally he would make shoes for us, which I don't totally understand the connection to either. I don't know how it translates to shoes. It's like a podcast. Keep your knee on.

We're doing shoes. It's like a podcast and now we're doing shoes. It's very ineffective. Jouisman has retreated into a sick fantasy world of his own design where he, Hayes, and I all run around wearing shoes. They're not athletic shoes. I assume they're actually for strolling through some sort of urban shopping mecca. What I see them being most useful for is grinding rails, which I also do not endorse. That's private property to jump.

People worked very hard on those rails. All those people wearing soaps and airwalks who are grinding these rails jump off. You think the rails just showed up, guys? Or do you think that blue-collar people like me and Hayes threw our hard hats on, grabbed our lunch pails, and put some fucking rails in? And just bent them with our hands into shape. Into the shape that they were supposed to be.

It wasn't for you to grind them, okay? It was so that there was a boundary. So, Gooseman, I guess, has become a total insane maniac. Stalking us with the shoes. He's being taken care of with respect to the police. He's a swim fan. He's a swim fan now. the police. He's a swim fan. He's a swim fan now. Gooseman has become a swim fan.

Yeah. I mean, he's a full-on swim fan. He is. Swim fan with two Ns. He's a swim fan. Juice man, swim fan. So he's being dealt with. This is for everyone else who we mentioned on the show,

and this actually leads into the other thing that we have to do is these donor shout-outs. We're just going to say some names of people who donated to Earwolf. This does not mean that we have become your best friend just because we're saying your name. In the past, we have done these donor shout-outs in a very positive way where we go like, Hey, thanks for giving us the money. And we love having your support. But now because of—

And we would love to be able to keep doing that. And to give more Squeezies for Sweeties. But we just can't afford to be giving out Squeezies anymore. Driesman has spoiled it for everyone. And so what we do have to do instead is say... And unfortunately,

we are also retroactively taking away all the Squeezies. The Squeezies. If you are a Sweetie who got a big Squeezy, you must return your squeezy. Sit your family down, you know, send out a mass voicemail. Sit your family down and tell them, hey,

the squeezy I told you about, I was mistaken. It wasn't a real squeezy and I'm not a real sweetie because Jweese Man lost his mind. And if you re-squeezied your squeezy to a sweetie in your own life, that also needs to be retracted. And we're sorry.

And it's so on down the line. And we're sorry we didn't want to do this, but our hand has been forced. So here's a donor shout-out. In the new fashion, what I'll say is, dear Gudmundur Christians, you gave us a hundred dollars. Please do not. Give Earwolf a hundred dollars. Yeah, Earwolf.

You don't give a shit about our show. Do not draw me. Do not dream about me holding your hand and we're skipping through the park and there's some children playing double dutch and you and I jump in the middle and do like some fun little rhyme and it just feels like,

oh, what cool young people. It's like, no, we can't do that together, Goodmunder. Matthew Galat also donated $100 to Earwolf, the big corporation. Matthew, do not put me as your emergency contact at the doctor. If you get sick at the doctor, I will not help you. I'm not your friend. Use your mom as your emergency contact. And then the last donor shout out is to someone who in the space where you normally would put your name, has instead bastardized the entire process and said Paul should do a Buffy contest.

Podcast. I just want to make sure they get their $100 worth. Fucking, yeah, sorry. I don't know. Paul should do a Buffy podcast. So I'm sure this is exactly what they wanted. We don't necessarily have to worry. Good job by Earwolf Management getting it to our show.

Well, what scares me is this person is already, it makes me feel like we should warn Paul. Yeah, I mean. Because now this person is sending Paul direct orders. This information won't get to Paul. Through a donation. I'm sure, yeah. I'm sure when they paid $100.

Almost as scary as two individual shoes per'm sure when they paid $100. It's almost as scary as two individual shoes per person. When they paid $100, now look, we can either assume, look, it's probably Paul F. Tompkins, it could be Paul Scheer. When they paid $100, they definitely didn't want this to come to Hollywood Hymn. Like, that's so obvious. Paul's not on the fucking show. He's on like four other shows. So the fact that it came here, I mean, it just gives you a little window into what happens at

these offices. Like who's making the decisions and how much thought goes into them. So, you know, that's what we're dealing with. When you don't like one of our shows, an episode comes out, you don't like it. Hey, maybe it's not all on us. Maybe we're not getting a lot of help here. Yeah, sometimes when it's bad, it's an issue of all the other cooks that we have in this process who are taking our sound file. And honestly, by the time it airs, sometimes it's unrecognizable to the thing with like all the little

tinkerers in here I do not even remember recording an episode that was anything like that because it's just been tampered with first by engineer Ryan

like he gets his fingers on it Ryan always does a first pass he's adding jokes oh yeah hundreds of jokes so much ADR

and so many like oh I really feel like this. I mean, I sat in an edit with him once, and I just had to leave and throw up. But anyway, Engineer Ryan, that's his right. I mean, he's one of the most powerful engineers here at Earwolf, and the engineer is king. But it goes through Ryan. It goes through Cody.

It goes through Agata it goes up the chain of engineers all the way up to Agata it will often just throw it out yeah say start over there's nothing here I can use and she says that releasing a podcast is like

birthing a calf and then she does this pantomime where she talks about, I guess she grew up on like a farm and she like rolls her sleeves up. And she puts on these long gloves. These huge, long, thick rubber gloves. Yeah. And pantomime's like getting, like reaching inside.

Or almost like catching it as it slips out of the cow's cavity. And it's, again, it is a pantomime, but it's so gruesome. Like, visually, it puts you in a place you don't want to be. And the gloves are still wet. And I usually don't have a problem with a lot of her notes either. But it's just an uncomfortable meeting to take. So we have a guest that's so cool. Buffy contest.

What was I thinking? Howard is here on hollywood handbook so kelvin you and uh sandry bernhardt uh are both you know they're going to the tiesto show yeah and they knock on my door. It's four in the morning. I guess he does his shows really late. Yeah. Excelsior. Yeah.

And they're saying like, hey, we need to preview, like we need to premiere some new dance moves. Like everyone's sick of our shit. Tiesto's like ready to basically kick us off the tour. I don't totally know what their job is. Are they rolling at this point or are they like? They're rolling their face off. Yeah, their feet are covered in Vicks VapoRub

and they're blowing that menthol tube into each other's faces. Both wearing mouth guards. Yeah's faces. Both wearing mouthguards. Yeah, they're both wearing mouthguards and they're taking hits off a vape pen but Kelvin keeps going check it out, I can ghost it

and holding it for too long. Like way too long. So it comes out his eyes kind of? It doesn't come out at all. Uh-huh like way too long so it comes out his eyes kind of it doesn't come out at all so uh anyway that's got me nervous so i'm like what can i do to just get these guys out of here yeah and i start reaching into my bag of tricks of legendary dance moves that i think kelvin and sandra can actually do because you know, they're not as athletic as I am. Right.

And as I'm doing this, Keith. Cool. Keith cool. Wakes up. Keith karma cool. Wakes up. Keith Karma Cool. Keith Karma Cool. Wakes up. You dance too loud.

Yeah. And he comes out of the pool house and starts screaming. And as he's screaming, he's waving his arms around above his head. Yeah. And as he's waving his arms around, his hips start to go, too. And as he's

waving his arms and moving his hips, his toes get to a tapping. Yeah. And Kelvin says, that's it. I've got it. And he passes out. You're alluding to something in there

that I would love to hear more about sometime, maybe not now, which is Keith's transition into Pool Keith. Yes. For the summer. I mean, this is actually a great segue. Yeah. So, hey, welcome to Hollywood Handbook.

An insider's guide to kicking butt and dropping names in the red carpet, linebacker, always in the industry we call showbiz. Showbiz. What up, what up? Howard is here. Howard's our guest. Howard's made it. Howard Kramer.

He's on the other show in the family of shows from Earwolf. He's in your face and he's raw as hell. Deal with it. Yeah. It's big to get him now during the summer because this is like peak season for you. It sure is. You guys got me in it. Do you say what day it is that you tape?

Well, a lot of people do their shows very far in advance. Oh. But with us, it's always right before it airs. Three days before it airs. Can I say what day of the week it is? With Scott, you'll get it there in February, and he'll consult his calendar, and then he'll be like,

okay, you guys have to pretend that it's mid-May at this point. He's got you on a delay. Yeah, but you can say whatever. You can say what day it is. Say whatever. Say a different day if you want. Well, I want to say it's Saturday. Okay, and then we don't know if that's true.

We don't know, but it would illustrate the sacrifice that I would make to give up a summer Saturday. A summer Saturday. Late early afternoon like this. What are some of the things that you'd be doing instead? Eat a lobster? Booking myself on a podcast. Getting myself booked so I can promote

summer. I would be out enjoying it. I would be out maybe at the beach. Part of you must resent now that it's become a work obligation for you. Yeah.

You taking the thing you love and made it your job. Now that it's become a work obligation for you. Yeah. Maybe, you know. You've taken the thing you love and made it your job. Well, you know, that is sad. Actually, I feel like I've avoided that because I don't overly promote. Like I put stuff out, but I don't go after it. Okay. So you don't want us to talk about that. Oculus Summer and this. Oh, no I don't go after it. Okay. So you don't want us to talk about that. Oculus Summer and this.

Oh, no, we can talk about it. But I just want it to be in a free-flowing way. We don't have to make it feel like a job. Howard, top three beach-tivities for you. Beach-tivities for me? I enjoy to walk along the water. Oh, man. And it's getting on your feet?

Gets on your feet. I love that. I love to be there at the edge where the two climates meet, the water and the earth. Where the water gets on your feet? The water gets on your feet right there. Uh-huh. But I know that other people like it too, seagulls

and all different forms of life. They like to be right there at the edge. Where the ocean meets the sand. Are you wearing Tevas? Tevas? No. I'm not a flip-flops guy. Oh.

Yeah. I feel like people who are amateurs, they're more of the flip-flop crew. You wear? No, bare feet. I'm bare feet. Oh, bare feet. I'm bare feet. Oh, bare feet. I'm not a flip-flops guy either. That's why I didn't vote for John McCain.

No. That's right. Sorry. That guy, he had a vibe about him, right? Oh, as a person, I had a vibe for him. I think we could finally get into this. Is it safe? I think, yeah.

I think I was a little nervous when you first started talking about it, but I think it is okay now to really get it out there. At long last. The dude had a vibe. I keep getting these texts to ask if we're doing it. No, I know. No, no. Ryan, we won't include this part.

Okay? So we have to do the Howl stuff? Jesus. I just said I was trying to take a break. I know, I know, I know. How long are we? Well, I have the... Kevin gave me the ad before we do.

It's like 60 pages long. And I guess this is punishment. You know, like – So what I heard from Scott, he's like, you guys have been selected to do, like, a special – since we know you love doing Howl ads so much, you've been selected to do a special entire episode Howl ad. So he's heard the – He's in a lot of them. No, I know, but... He's heard our other ads.

He's heard the ones that we've done. Yes. Since. And I guess Howard has been saying some stuff about Howl. Well, yeah, I mean, the length of these ads, the bullet points, and then it's like, you got to fight your way to the content yeah and so so he's like and howard's gonna come on and do the show too which is great like we love having having howard here i would love to talk more about stuff related to

some in howard's career generally right but we do have to sort of pivot to how it does have to be in an organic way. There are a lot of phases to this ad. So we're just looking for clean transitions into Howl among our – what would normally be our content with Howl. Okay. Yes. Right. So we can just get back into the conversation with Howl.

You guys could call me Howl maybe. Oh, that could be really – It could be like an accident. Or just whatever works for you guys. Because Comedy Bang Bang will do this a lot where they'll say something wrong, but then they'll turn that into the thing. Into the thing that they're trying to talk about. And then that's a T-shirt.

Right. They do that on MADtv, I remember. Yeah. Scott would not like it if you, like, if you applied that he was copying from Mad TV. Well, I think they've evolved it, you know. All great artists steal, you know. But I would say that whatever,

Mad TV and Comedy Big Bang, same show, it doesn't matter. But that's not, you know, that's not. No, you can say it now. We can say it now. It's not going to be on the show. Mad TV and Comedy Big Bang are the same show. Essentially the same show. It doesn't matter. No, you can say it now. We can say it now. It's not going to be on the show. Mad TV and Comedy Big Big are the same show. Essentially the same show.

People come in and do characters. They've got one thing, but they do it for a long time. They've never been on it at the same time. Never seen the bottom. Yeah, they've never been in the same room.

I know that mentions is a big thing with this stuff, so if you just keep calling me Howl, it would just be another way to get some mentions. It's some weird NLP thing, right? And that is actually in the neuro-linguistic programming.

Like if you're talking to a girl and you want to casually use the word penetrate just in a non-sexual form so that she just has that in her mind like, oh, I'm thinking about penetration. Anyway, they want us to do that with this. It does say on this thing that the word how is the linguistic kill shot. We do have to use it 250 times in this discussion.

So we'll get back in and just be like having a normal conversation about the stuff we were talking about before but then that should blend organically into Howl stuff with us talking about the shows that we Can we call attention to that like we can't believe how much Howl we gotta talk about I think it should be that we can't believe

how much great programming there is If there's anything we can't believe it should be that we can't believe how much great Howl programming there is Seeing what Hayes has we can't believe, it should be that we can't believe how much great programming there is. I think for me, yeah, just seeing what Hayes has gone through with some of the ads he's done, you know, that Scott has made him do when I've just happened to be out of the room, that I think the safest thing is to just be like, we've got Howell on the brain.

Because I don't know if this happened to you, Howard. They sent the master of disguise, Pistachio Disguisey, to impersonate me. Turtle, turtle. Yeah, you know, remember the turtle guy? Turtle, turtle. Turtle, turtle. Right.

Yeah. But he came to my home and impersonated me to do a howl ad on my computer. Were you there? I caught him. Wow. Right in your house? Yes. I caught him in my house because he set the alarm off. He's a little like a pokey man, huh?

Yes. He is a lot like a squirtle squirtle. Yeah. So you let him do the ad? You let him finish it? No. I told him to get the heck out of here. Yeah.

Bust it. And I told him to tell Scott that the next one of the funkies he sent my way is going to send him back his fucking head. That stuff doesn't fade, Scott. I don't know why. It energizes him. Yeah. Well, do you think this stuff, do you ever think, is it coming from him?

Or does it come from above him somewhere? Scripps. Okay, yeah. I mean, I wonder about that. Yeah. I haven't seen Mr. Scripps. I saw one of the Scripps kids, the little princes of Hollywood. Yeah.

Denny Scripps. And he was riding this scooter. I'm going to have trouble describing it. It's like a beach cruiser. It has handlebars. But he's leaned all the way back like one of those old fashioned

hogs. Yeah. And he's riding this thing and he's screaming the wrong way down Sunset Boulevard and everybody's pulling off just crashing into the sidewalk. They know that's safer for them is to crash into the sidewalk than to get in little Denny Scripps' way.

And he had a babe in his lap. Yeah. And this is a kid. I mean, you know Denny's only like... I mean, he... I don't know what it is about making it seem like he's a kid. He is like 40. I would say he's like 43.

Mm-hmm. But it's very important to his reputation that he seemed like he's a little kid. Okay, yeah. And for you to call him little Denny is like, yeah, he's Little Denny's grip. But he is like not a child. No, I guess it worked on me. We can talk about it on this. I didn't know his actual age.

Yeah, okay. But he had this babe in his lap. Man, she was something else. Out of this world. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. She was the girl who played Evie on Out of This World. Okay, should we get back into it?

No. Okay. I'm kidding. Are you good, Howard? Yeah, I'm just trying to gear up for it. Okay. Okay, Ryan. Come back in here?

Yeah. Okay. come back in here yeah and so the beach barbecue in the sand like is that something that you would be into sure, clam bake you know fire pit, huntington

all that kind of stuff any big waves out there you know I'm not that much of a surfer, but I like to cheer them on. Sorry, Howard. You started talking about big waves. It just reminded me of the new wave of programming coming in from Howl and how excited I am to sort of hop on that, get pitted, and ride the tube all the way in.

That's so funny. I was actually just listening to Howl on the way here. I'm trying to make my the tube all the way in. That's so funny. I was actually just listening to how on the way here, I'm trying to make my way through all this new programming. There's 150 hours of original programming. And it feels like more, honestly. Boing, boing. That just gave me a hard one. Absolutely.

Yeah. I'm engorged for content. And how is the place where I go to get it. The thing with Howl is there's stuff that I feel like is, like, for me and my friends to listen to together. Like, there's stuff that's great for parties, to, like, play on the speakers at parties. There's stuff for just, like, when I want to be by myself.

There's stuff for me to play while I'm going to sleep. I can just sort of have a constant flow of how material that's going all the time. I'm so glad you mentioned parties because podcasts used to be a thing that I think lonely people listen to alone in their car or at work to feel like they have someone with them. Simulated friendship, yeah. Yeah, but now it's really become so much more where it is preferable to putting on music at a party to put on

something like John Oliver and Brian Posehn trying to figure out what the tune is to A Jack in the Box. And they're kind of winding the thing and it's making a little tink-a-tink song. Before it pops. Yeah, but they're just going like, what is this?

This is so familiar. Yeah, because you can honestly bounce to some of these podcasts. Oh, yeah. And not only can you bounce to them, but you almost have to, because the rhythms of these people's speech is more satisfying than a drum and a bass and all that old music that we used to listen to. Yeah, absolutely. That's why we used to listen to. Yeah. Absolutely. That's why we say to people, you can enjoy your summer by listening to Howl,

and you can take it anywhere. It's portable. And like you were saying, Sean, it fits all the different sonic needs. Whether you like music, whether you like talking, it's going to be all there for you. And I would say I don't like music anymore. I used to think I liked it, but now I like Howl instead. That's actually a really

great point that Howard brings up, that Howl is so light. A lot of these other podcast services will actually physically make your phone very heavy. Right, because of the files and sizes. Yeah, and people are like, well, then that's for strong people. But Howl is for

everybody. Including, you know, nerds. What I love about Howl is that I'm actually, even though it costs money to get it, I'm actually making money just by listening to it. Because it's making me so interesting and fun to be

around that I'm so much more likely to have a successful job interview or even just meet someone at a sports bar where they play Howl over the TVs instead of sports now and be able to connect with someone who then maybe would provide me with an opportunity. Yeah. I've had people ask me to go, you know, you seem a little lighter. Your spirit's a bit lighter now. Is it Howell?

And I say, yeah, I'm on that now. It's like so many others. I get the content that I need when I need it. And it's great to just be connected to what people are talking about. What is it about on-demand content that really gets me so buzzed that it's better than any drug I've ever had? I feel like I'm shooting through the roof just hearing the opening tune chords of the song that leads into Gabrus talking to a scientist or something. What a fucking cool idea. That episode is my ringtone.

Oh. The whole episode? Yeah. Wow. I love hearing it. And you want to pick something you don't get tired of. No wonder I can't get you to answer the phone lately. You want to hear the ring too much.

But Sean, I'll tell you, I love every time you call me. Yes, thanks. It starts up my favorite thing, my favorite podcast. We do have to do the script. Yeah, I know. And I guess it's like an audition or something because we will have to film it at some point. It's like a TV ad. They sent us like a whole...

Facebook Live? Yeah, I think they are. Oh, is that what's happening? Is that what this camera's for? Are we going to be streaming this ad right now, Ryan? No, it's going out live. Oh, it's on FB Live? It's going out live on Facebook. Not this, but you're going to trigger the feed? Yeah. Okay.

Okay. So who is going to play King Scri Yeah. Okay. Okay. Okay. So who is going to play King Scripps? Okay. I might have a typo. Mine says Mighty Emperor Scripps. Oh, okay. Yeah.

Sorry. Well, let's just make it a king. Just it's cleaner. Okay. So I don't know. Howard, do you want to be King Scripps? I just, I've got to check. I'm not sure which ones I'm allowed to play.

I've got to see what Scott has said. He's not letting you play certain characters? Oh, he said that. Because one of them is you. Are you allowed to play the Howard character? I thought we all. The ad is called Howard's Apology. Oh, I don't know.

I've had these restrictions for a while. You guys don't have them? Okay, then why don't I, I'll be King Scripps then if it's going to be an issue for Howard to play that in himself. Okay. Okay. Maybe I, can I just, maybe I'll hit some of the words. Like I'll just, I'll do the words emphatically or whatever you guys have. Yeah.

No, that sounds great. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Sorry, you're asking No, that sounds great. Yeah. Okay. Sorry, you're asking how, if it's okay for you to hit some of the words emphatically. That sounds really good to me. I don't know if I'm allowed to be in it. So then the solution is that you'll hit some of the words emphatically? I'll say it.

Because I know when Randy and Jason, I see them do it, when they do the ads, they'll hit some of the words emphatically? I'll say it. Because I know when Randy and Jason, I see them do it, when they do the ads, they'll hit some of those double ups. And that's what lets you know that it's not repetitive. We're not just giving you the same information in sort of an adult education style so that you hear it enough times that it's ingrained. Yeah, and it cuts through the din. It just bangs into your...

If you're allowed to do that, that's great. Okay. Okay, and Ryan, will you trigger the feed, please? All right, here we go. A stately king's court. Mighty Emperor Kingscripps sits at the front of the court in a big head throne. I guess that's supposed to be like headphones, but it's a head throne. Hello.

He says hello. So now you say hello. Hello. Hello. He sounds happy, but he actually looks very upset. He sounds happy, but he actually looks very upset. The court jester, Chris Bannon, approaches the king. I guess it'll be Chris.

My liege, Howard Kramer is here for his big apology. That insubordinate bastard. It better be one big apology if he wants to keep his head. June Raphael and Susan Earline, the palace

guards, swing open the door. Howard enters the court. Howard enters the court. Susan Early kind of like whacks the back of his leg so he has to drop to his knees. And he shuffles up to the

head throne. Howard, give me one good reason I shouldn't feed you to Andrew T right now. Hello, King. My liege. Liking this. Thank you for gazing upon me. I must be a wretched mess. Oh, yeah, you said it, not me.

For I have been held unjustly in your dungeon. Wait, unjustly? What do you mean? Well, I have no thing to listen to in there. Ah. listen to in there. Ah. So the reason you've behaved so insolently

is because you didn't have good juicy content to squeeze in your ears and fill your brain with fun? That is true, my lord. Oh, Howard, it appears I am the one who owes you an apology then.

I didn't give you access to the new Howl.fm app. Oh, my Lord, thank you. You are such a benevolent and kind ruler. I shall spread the word through all the village that you are a good and benevolent man. Yeah. Hit benevolent really hard emphatically. And then it says, you can talk about Oculus. I'm going to hear a few.

Oh, okay. As your character. I see. Got it. Okay. Thought that was Scott. No, but this is the operation – what's your title? Production coordinator.

Production coordinator Kevin is here, and I think that is sort of meant to be like an extra set of eyes on the proceedings. Yeah, Scott's always watching. Yeah. Okay, I'll try to get back into it. Could you just take the picture for me? Okay. Hey, King. Yeah?

The weather's becoming so warm outside. Oh, yeah, that's why I'm wearing this short robe. I enjoy it. Your legs look very defined. Yeah, I've been doing a bunch of mega squats. Mega squats, Your Highness? Yeah, you know what makes it mega? I'm doing a motherfucker.

Oh, I am so joyed to be here with you in your kingdom and not in others. Sorry, after he says the motherfucker, it says the king does the running man challenge. Oh, yeah. Oh, right. Do we carve out time for that? Or is that just going to...

Do you need wild sounds of just him I don't know. Do we carve out time for that, or is that just going to... The Running Man challenge? I don't think we have the music. Do you need wild sounds of just him struggling to do the Running Man? Yeah. How about we'll put the Running Man. So later we'll put the Running Man. We'll plug in the visual, yeah. Audio over this.

So you do sounds of him struggling to do the Running Man challenge, and we'll put the audio in later. Okay. So, yeah. Okay. And if you want to feed me any wild noises that you think you would make i'll take them you know okay over there uh-oh i'm running but i'm not actually moving that's running man he's an old king so he should be having a little more trouble. Should hurt. Oh, no.

Oh, this infernal running man challenge. Ow! Ow! Ow! Oh, God! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!.. I think that's great. Maybe just one that hurts so much he can't continue. Okay. So wait, and we'll put the music back in now. Okay. Now.

I've been watching you all night. My fucking leg. Oh, God, I can see the fucking bone. Holy shit. What the fuck? Oh, God. Is that a fucking tendon? I'm rolled back up.

Jesus Christ. Fucking running, man. Okay, great. Do you think that's good for the owl? Yeah, that's awesome. I'm going to work for the Owlhead. And so, yeah, now we're back into Howard's line. King, is he done with the Running Man?

Yeah, I think he is. Yeah, good Running Man, huh, dudes? Sire, you should be refreshed. Let me take you to the water's edge to do some swimming and to enjoy your summer. What a great low-impact workout. It is. And if you don't want to go to the beach at all, you can listen to this new album, Oculus Summer, which takes you on a virtual reality adventure through summer

without leaving your home or putting on goggles. Deep, I dive, I dive so deep. It's quiet down here, don't hear a peep. But I can see so many wild creatures. I'm freaking out from their fluorescent features. Oops, I bump into a squid that's sleeping. It gets mad and it squirts out an ink stream. And that's available on Howl? And it squirts out in exchange. And that's available on Howl? I didn't want to put it on there because people, they're not used to looking for music back there.

I don't know. So that, I think, is maybe why you're here. Oh, right. Yeah. It's all started to kind of come together. Why you're in trouble, too. Yeah. Yeah.

I don't know. Okay. Yeah. I think that's to kind of come together. You're in trouble too, yeah. Yeah. I don't know. Okay, yeah, I think that's great. That feels good. Yeah, that'll kill on Facebook Live. Yeah, so disengage the feed, Ryan. And it says we have to plug our 10 favorite shows. Oh, wow. From the new crop?

Yeah. Okay. Episodes or just shows? I think just shows. Oh, wow. From the new crop? Yeah. Okay. Episodes or? Do it just shows? I think just shows. I mean, I think we can plug episodes if we want to. Okay.

But. Okay. Well, I guess Manson Family Values is a new show I'm really excited about. Talk to Charlie, Squeaky, and the whole gang. Robert Evans' home gets broken into in episode one. And just because there's grisly murders

involved doesn't mean they're not a family. Laugh along with all your friends, and don't forget mean they're not a family. Laugh along with all your friends and don't forget to and I don't know if this is the right carve a

symbol into your forehead. Forehead, yeah. Yeah. There's a new kind of spinoff of the canon, I like – there's a new kind of spinoff of the canon, I guess, with Chris Dorner's ex-wife. She's kind of ranking the Pixar movies.

It's fun. It's just like fun to kind of think about these movies in a different way than you have before. So that's one I'm getting pretty into. Do you have one, Howard, that you? Yeah, Jerry Miner. He has one on there. It's just a single episode, I think. But it's a –

Yeah. Yeah, I know. He talks about podcasting. It's a new thing, and he's going to do one. It's an episode about how he's going to do a podcast? Yeah. It's long, too. Yeah.

Yeah. It's him sort of coming up with and then abandoning ideas? Yeah. That sounds cool. I love the creative process. I mean, well, you know, a lot of that obviously add with the King's Scripts got into like workout stuff. I guess that's a market they're trying to break into

because the one that I am excited for is firming up those buns. Mark Furman now has sort of a new life in the media thanks to that OJ doc. Obviously, he's very fit. He's going to be giving workout tips and walking you through an audio workout. He encourages you to keep good form and also to keep in mind that he's your friend, that some of the words he used were just words people used back then. And he's got a great voice, and he's going to be a welcome addition to the Howell family,

firming up those bonds. I get all this different chills for that same low price? The same low price, yeah. What is it? Five bucks. But with the Code Hollywood, I think it's less. It's either that much or it's less than that. Yeah.

I like that they're doing some more serious political shows with Katie Couric and David Gregory and stuff like that. It's a nice change of pace from the comedy stuff. Donna Brazile is doing a show. She accidentally turned the voice memo functionality on her phone while she was playing Pokemon Go. She was playing Pokemon Go. And so it's like her sort of take on the experience of catching these monsters. Oh, she tapes as she plays?

Yes. She's taping as she plays. And so you get to sort of ride with her as different – like Zapdos gets away and, you know, what is sort of her take on what that means for the political landscape. And also the triumph as she goes to a gym and beats a

Meowth or something. Oh, that's really fucking cool. I mean, you're not going to get that on FM. It's a whole new world now with being able to get this content. I mean, this is Howl.fm, but I don't think that has anything to do with it. It's a mistake. Yeah.

They just kept it going once it got in people's heads. Howard, was there another show that you were fucking stoked on? There's one here. Paywall is a show I like a lot. Oh, yeah. That's really cool. We're all really excited about Paywall. Just cover all the different, like there's a different construction going on here within Earwolf and the different stuff they're having erected here in the office.

There's always big changes. Yeah. It's always a pleasure to come in and see that it's different. Yeah. Yeah. The money is, you may not see it in Howell, but you would see it here in the office. Yeah. So it's definitely being put to good use.

Weird little phone call closet. It's everything you could want. Well, we've got – there's sort of like this cool global show coming up. It's around the world with Michael Caine. I think they want you to think it's Michael Caine. It's actually Michael Fay. He obviously was caned in Singapore for doing graffiti on a car. Yeah, well, they called that chewing gum.

I think he just stuck his gum to a car or something. But anyway, he got his butt caned, blisters on his butt, butt split open, blisters on his butt, butt split open big bamboo rod and the US government was able to negotiate the number of whacks with the cane down I think but ultimately he had to take his licks so who better

to sort of take you on a tour of Asia, Africa and oh go ahead I just do these as some a plug because I have a song called Some a Gum which is about going there and chewing gum and how you're not allowed to. It's on my second summer album, Have Another Summer. Well, okay, so maybe Michael will listen to that and sort of talk about that. But he goes all around and talks about the different customs.

It's a lot, you know, it's sort of a more global version of Hidden America. They do have a bunch more shows with Nation. There's Hard Nation and Fake the Nation just came out. There are a few more Nation shows. Spontanation. Yeah, Spontaneation. Sklarboro Nation is now going to be. Right.

Yeah, Sklarboro Country has rebranded as Nation. I just realized they missed the opportunity to say Nation. Jonah Ray is hosting a new show called Home Depot Nation where he will return your plants for you. He returns people's plants to Home Depot. I think it's sort of branded as like a prank show that he thinks he's like getting away with murder essentially because you are allowed

to just like return plants as many times as you want to Home Depot and get new plants. Yeah, and you don't necessarily have to have a receipt. And so I think like he's sort of winking at the camera the whole time going like, I don't even have a receipt for this.

There's a great there's one that Kumail's on that's really good. Oh, great. Kumail Guest's on one. Oh, I haven't gotten to that yet. That's very exciting. Oh, I'm stoked. He's helping him with the plants. Yeah.

That's great. And are we good? That's great. And are we good? That's 10. I just got a text that says that I guess somehow Scott is listening to this. Ryan? Oh, you know what? Ryan, you know.

I thought it was going out live. The engineers, because I know I starred pretty good, Brett Morris, because we do this stuff together. They have body cams on a lot of the engineers now. So it's their way of keeping an eye on things. Because you can't see them, but the size of one of Ryan's pupils is changing. It's like kind of widening in and out, like it's focusing. And it's making that's focusing. Yeah.

And it's making that little noise. Yeah. He's digitally enhanced. Aperture. Yeah, it's like aperture. So Scott does say that. It's jet aperture. Scott says that Howard has to do one more of his favorite shows. Oh, no.

Oh, Howard, I'm sorry. It's okay. There's a new one. I don't know if the scholars have anything to do with it, but it's a sports one. It's the 80-yard potato sack race to the Earwolf Men's Room. So whenever the interns or the workers out there, they need to go to the bathroom,

we put them in potato sacks and race them down there. You know, it's a quite a ways. Okay, Scott says we have to end the show now. Oh, really? Okay. That was only nine, I think. Bye.

Earwolf end the show now oh really okay that was only nine i think bye hollywood handbook is brought to you by wolf cool productions a subsidiary of calvin and hobbes oh baby that was a hate gun podcast