Hollywood Handbook - Ike Barinholtz, Our Close Friend

Episode Date: March 6, 2017

Sean and Hayes discuss the big snafu. Then IKE BARINHOLTZ comes in to talk about the major spoof movies he's done and to read one written by the hosts. This episode is brought to you by ZipRecruiter (www.ziprecruiter.com/first) and MVMT Watches (www.mvmtwatches.com/hollywood).See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

this is a head gum podcast okay left to right me musenix blob susan orlean top chef it's down to us we are in France or something it's the judges the Hugh Atchison just those two this time

has anyone's name ever sounded more like a sneeze than Hugh Atchison well wasn't there in that funny movie, there was a character named Ah-Choo. Oh, no. With the pants, Robin Hood, the Pants Man. Oh, my gosh, the Pants Man. I haven't thought about that movie in literally six months. Doesn't it feel good to just be thinking about that movie again after six months? It's been six months since I've thought about that movie at all. Wow. Because Halloween,

it was your Halloween costume. I went as at you, yeah. And I am getting ready to hear about who is the winner. And the food, yeah. Yes. And I start,

just out of nowhere, you know how your mind does these interesting tricks on you. Yeah, it plays a trick. And I started thinking about Cecil the Lion. Yeah. And I am crying so bad.

All of a sudden, I start to be crying so much just thinking about Cecil the Lion. Just compulsive. And all the stuff that he wanted to do. Well, yeah. Well, you probably knew him better than anyone. Yeah. And he would confide some of his sort of dreams and goals. He wanted to chase a thing, and he wanted to lie down, take a big sleepy.

Yeah. And he wanted to maybe even climb a tree. He was starting to talk about climbing a tree, yes. Not that he wanted to do it necessarily, but it was the discussion of climbing a tree had begun at that point. And the drinks he wanted to try. Didn't he want to be on Fizzy Boys or something?

Yes, he was hoping. Green apple soda or whatever. He met Don Finnelli at a party, and Don Finnelli said, like, oh, you got to come on Fizzy Boys. Right. And this was when Fizzy Boys was, like, really, you got to come on Fizzy Boys. Right. And this was when Fizzy Boys was, like, really, you know, getting, yes, really good, so to speak.

Yeah, I know. No, it's funny. Yeah. And so I am crying so much. And Hugh is like, are you crying? You know, like that. Yeah, he's got that voice. And I say no because I don't want to.

You don't want to show weakness around Hugh because he is a bit of a lion in his own right. Yeah. He will strike. Do you remember who won? The Mucinex blob, right? The Mucinex blob did. I think I watched that season. Yeah, the Mucinex blob did win. He cooked boogers.

Hey, welcome to Hollywood Handbook, an insider's guide to kicking butt and dropping names at the red carpet linebacker hallways of this industry. We call showbiz. Showbiz. Of course we have to talk about the snafu. Really big shoe. And it was only nine days ago that this happened.

Who's this? Who's this? Really big shoe. Shoe business. Really big shoe. Shoe business. Really big shoe. Shoe business. Shoe business. It's Phil Knight. Yeah, there's a big snafu. We must talk about the snafu.

We can't ignore it. It only happened nine days ago and I think it is time for us to... I finally processed it. Yes. I finally have an understanding of what happened that I feel comfortable talking about it. Yeah. Because I zipped my lip when it happened and said, we don't have all the facts yet.

Yeah. Let's not report the fake news. Let's wait for the real news, which is we have idea to fix this. Do you want to say your version of what happened? The theory that you've come to about what it actually was? I finally have a theory that I'm comfortable with, yes. Because you've gathered information from a lot of different sources, the various players involved. Oh, yeah.

I interviewed everybody. I got them on the horn, and I said, look. And you wrote a personal oral history of it that is not to be released, but it does go into your theory, which is the following. Yeah. So the bus driver from that bus of tourists that came in and walked through, if you remember, two of the people were black, which Jimmy Kimmel seemed to find interesting yeah uh you know and they maybe he thought they

would have a connection to some of the nominees who had names that he was unfamiliar with some of these names were crazy to him yeah let's all say mahershala you know so anyway uh the bus driver of that bus really was mad at and didn't like Warren Beatty because Warren Beatty beat him up. Yeah. I mean, you know, that's not his birth name, Beatty. He got that name in the schoolyard from beating people up yeah and he did a big beaty on that bus driver when he was a kid just trying to make it in uh in the biz and that guy was going to be a big actor but warren beatty beat him up so bad that his face now was not good enough to be in the movies and only he could be driving a bus. Yeah. So the bus driver sort of dropped everybody off in the stands.

And then when Jimmy Kimmel was doing the Lion King thing, everyone sort of was looking at the kid being the Lion King. And that gave this bus driver time to get into the back and weave his way in and knock out the guards with knockout gas. He did the thing where he raised his arms up like in the tuxedo and knockout gas shoots out from his armpits. Yeah. It's a PU. Yeah.

PU stinky, you know? So then the guards are out. He then gets a briefcase with the envelopes. He's able to pick the lock using just a toothpick and the key to the lock. He sort of jams the toothpick in and then gets the key halfway in and then has to pull the toothpick out to get the key in, turn it, lock, briefcase pops open. He gets the envelope and then he gives the envelope to Warren Beatty, who of course doesn't recognize him because he beat him so bad.

His face is different. And as a little bit of poetic justice. Warren goes out, Warren opens the envelope, immediately realizes what's going on. Goes, oh, I know what happened. This guy I beat up. He's thinking back to his childhood. Yes, he's putting it all together in that moment. This is somebody I did a big

beady on and he goes like, and more beady people who are a little bit younger was sort of the Jimmy Kennedy of his time. And was exing people left and right. And he goes, well, this is supposed to be revenge on me. Is there someone I can take revenge on who maybe I think needs to be punished? And hopefully it's a woman.

Obviously, Warren Beatty has been victim to many yeah women's webs uh yeah they're like spiders yes if you saw enemy they're like spiders and they want to trap you and so he finally has them in his trap and he goes ahead and sucks their bug guts right out uh now he's the spider and he gives it to Elaine McClain. Shirley McClain. Elaine McClain. Whatever. You know.

Fucking who is that? Like, who was he with? Does anybody know? Yes. It doesn't matter. I don't know what the story is with that. But he gives her the envelope and is covering with his thumb the part that says

that this is wrong and is only showing her part that says this is right. The part that says don't read this one. Yeah. And then she read it and I didn't really see what happened after that.

It was pretty late. We try to think of a way to how can it be different and it never happened fix it yeah yes and first thing that i and we're not taking sides remember i called you as this was happening and phone rings remembering and you say hello haze and you say, hello, Hayes. And I say, stickers. And you said exactly the same thing. I was thinking the exact same thing. We need to be putting stickers all over these cards that are so big that Warren Beatty's thumb cannot be covering up these stickers. And the stickers.

And what you're doing is stick them to the presenters the night before. Yeah. So nobody can drive a bus in as part of a joke. Yeah. And, you know, get to change out what the envelope, the envelope, anybody could carry one. A mailman could have one. Yeah. But a sticker, you can't move it. And so we say,

well, why don't we just make some of these stickers for our show? And they can be using these as the presenter stickers because it's our idea. We'll make stickers popular for a year. Yes. And then next year when it's time so that people are not resistant to the change, they'll go, well, everyone's wearing these stickers now that say Wolf Cool or Hot Dog Go to Bathroom or it's a sticker of a mouse skeleton. And everyone's been wearing these everywhere, all over the city and the world. And now it looks cool to have a sticker, doesn't it?

Yeah. And some people might be saying, is this an ad for your Hollywood Handbook stickers? That you've been pretending to do this show all along, but it was actually an ad? No. Is this opening intro segment a commercial where there was a very long kind of aimless retelling with no real angle of what happened at the Oscars that just got bailed on

and then really awkwardly smashed into a commercial? There was an ad before the theme song. Now this is seeming to be an ad. And then there are more ads later. No. The ads say Hollywood Handbook before them. The girl is saying Hollywood Handbook. Then it's the ads.

She hasn't said that yet. It's not the ads yet. We are just talking about our stickers at store.earwolf.com slash store slash esoterica slash 12129 slash Hollywood dash handbook dash decal dash set. At Landon D. Mize designed these stickers as part of trying to help save Hollywood, make stickers popular so that next year the Oscars are safe and you can watch without being scared. And didn't Harrison Ford the other day

almost meet his Landon demise in the plane? And that was viral marketing for 6 Days 7 Nights and we see right through it. Ike is on the show, Hollywood Handbook on Hollywood Handbook. So, it's me, it's Merrick, Garland, and Swin.

Cash, and we're at this big, you know, one of these 7-Up events they're doing all over town, where there's like the boulder wall, and we're doing a little bouldering, you know, and then there's the lab set up where you sort of like uh set a you know cook the seven up in like a bunsen beaker or whatever yeah yeah and uh and swin's helping merrick up the wall and her fist as she's sort of pushing his buttocks. Down. Yeah. Slides in, you know, in a pretty far up. And she can't get him off. Yeah. And he sort of likes it but doesn't want to look like he likes it.

Yeah. And so it's a frustrating, you know, it's a hard thing to, it's a face that he's making that is kind of between two faces. And this happened or this is a political cartoon? No, this is, no, this is the, I'm pitching you a political cartoon. Okay, yes, I'm sorry. And so how many panels are these normally? Oh, I think it's usually just one, like one square.

Are you sure? Because there's a whole story now where I get the 7-Up fire hose and I blast him off her fist. Okay. You know, and then he winds up hitting. Is that hot too? And he winds up putting a hole in the American flag. Because I know the whole thing of these events is to advertise 7-Up

is supposed to be hot. It is supposed to be served hot. Like a messaging campaign about that. So it's a hot hose? It's a hot, yeah. Yeah, no, I hit them with the hot hose. And they're also taking the bubbles out, which I think is smart. Because they sting your nose like the Dickens.

Yeah. And so it's a wise rebranding for them. But yeah, I blast them off. He puts a whole new American flag. It's sort of symbolic of what is the flag doing anymore. It's a bold statement. Yeah, and the whole winds up looking like the spot, the 7-Up spot. Uh-huh.

Yeah. Banksy-esque. Mm-hmm. It says, make 7-Up yours great again. I don't know what it means. Hey, welcome to Hollywood Handbook, an insider's guide to kicking butt and dropping names in the red carpet linebacker hallway. This industry we call showbiz. Sometimes we talk to a movie star.

Yes. Amazing. It feels so good to be among our own. And to have a corker of a guest is so nice for us and for people listening to the show. Ike Barinholtz is here. Thank you for... Can we get that sniff again? Okay.

Did we get that? It seemed like his mic was shut off for the sniff. Do you want to isolate it real quick? Thank you for saying Merrick Garland because it could have been a different Merrick. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. John Merrick. John Merrick. Merrick Garland because it could have been a different Merrick. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. John Merrick. John Merrick. Merrick Schwartz.

Yeah. And from Inside Schwartz? I did two episodes of Inside Schwartz. Okay. What fouls were being called on you in that episode? I was aggressively trying to exit the friend zone. Ooh. And then I was

unnecessary act breaking. Oh, wow. Oh, no. So you tried to do an act break on the show. You sort of took a take right down the barrel. One was...

The referee came out. Well, the referee on the character on the show gave me a ticket for the first one me a card for the first one, but then the show actually had a referee on set that would, if you try to break one of the norms of TV, they would give you a card. Oh, so there's a producer also in a referee uniform. Yeah, yeah.

He was one of the Friends writers. Oh. One of the guys who got sued. Named in the lawsuit, yeah. Oh, wow. One of the guys who got sued. Named in the lawsuit, yeah. He was the guy that he was pitching a sea story for Ross, and he drew a picture of David Schwimmer on his dick

and made the writer's assistant shake hands with Schwimmer. So when you hear in Hollywood, like, oh, yeah, she shook hands with the Schwimm. We should be allowed to do this. Supreme Court said we are allowed to do that. We're creative. You can't put limits on that stuff. As long as you can say anything you want. You could be like, I'm going to fucking kill you and your fucking kids.

And at their funeral, I'm going to jerk off in the corpses. Writer's room. If you say writer's room at the very end. You're a writer. You're in the room. It's like calling doorknob. It's like calling doorknob or safety. Safety.

Right. It's like calling safety. Yeah. Do you know Trump says safety when he farts? Yeah, that's an interesting thing. Ike, can I say, can I say, congrats on the Oscar? Thank you, guys. Really big, Ike.

Really cool to see you there. It was a great night. I started hair and makeup at 2 a.m. I hadn't eaten any solid food in six weeks. And who needs it? The whole time I was periscoping for Smirnov, Smirnov's new pina colada beer. I was periscoping for them. I was kind of sponsored by them.

They sent a beautiful Subaru outback to kind of drive me around all night. That comes in two liters now. Am I right? It does, yeah. Only in two liters. And I got there, and it's so funny because it was just last year. I was one of those people outside the Kodak with glossies and Sharpies, you know, screaming. It's been a meteoric rise.

To sell them. What I like to do, here's my little Hollywood trick, is I just get blank glossies. Yeah. And I just walk up to people that are attractive and ask them to sign it. And then one day, if I ever see them somewhere, I'll print their photo out and I'll be like, fucking got them. So I have my apartment on Yucca. When you walk in, it's all just fucking wall-to-wall glossies signed by random names. Just waiting to be turned into cash.

It's like my apartment's like La La Land. Yucca is really nice. It's really coming up. The Yucca Renaissance is in full effect. Yucca, they're saying in five years will be the next Wilton. Yeah. No, it's honestly on that path. They just opened. Oh, God, honestly on that path. They just opened.

Oh, God, it's so good. They just, like two days ago, they just opened a, it's a brand new liquor store, Methadone Clinic. Oh, wow. So you can walk in, get your fake heroin, buy like a little liter of Irish whiskey, and then you can just go slay in front of the store. Michelob and methadone. That's how I do it. And

they finally shut down the Jollibee there. They did. They shut down the Jollibee, but there's 17 more in Koreatown, so you could go there. Jollibee's good because there's so many days where I'm like, do I want children's spaghetti? Yeah.

A juicy yum burger. A juicy yum burger or pizza that looks like you got it at the Columbus Science Museum's cafeteria right before closing. Do you guys have any pizza left? Oh, man, we're closed. Fuck. My kid's hungry. Hold on, hold on.

There you go. That's Jollibee. That's their new commercial. Finally, we don't have to pick. Ike, we talk about movie star, right? Uh-huh. Please. Ike's in the movies.

We want to talk about some of your most famous roles. I'm in the pictures. 2008. Let's take us back to 2008. Big year. Just had finished a West Coast swing campaigning for Palin. Uh-huh. And came back.

Just Palin to be president alone. Be president. Get that guy out of the way. Yeah, yeah. And then I came back to Holly Lawood. Uh-huh. and my agent called. Walk me through that. So I get home, and I see – What is that like? What is that like when an agent calls?

This is my older agent. God bless him. He's not even in the business anymore. He killed his neighbor, and he is in Sing Sing. It was great, though. He called me, and he at the time had a pager. So it was his pager number, so I called him, and then, you know. 2008.

2008, and then I knew once you paged him, it was just, it was about eight or nine minutes until he would run across the 101 to the pay phone. To the booth. Yeah. And then he called me back and he was like, Hello! Isaac, I got a good I got a good picture.

I got a good picture for you to star in. And I was like, okay, talk to me. Give me the deets. And he goes, it's a parody. It's a parody film.

And I said, I love them. I love parody films. I love Airplane. I love Airplane 2. And he goes, this is just like that. He was very ill the entire time I dealt with him. Well, and that's very kind of you to let him help you in that way and that you knew right away.

You're so savvy because I hear parody film. I think Pauly with Jay Moore and Buddy Hackett. And I go, well, they've already made that. That's one of the most parody movies. Yeah, that's the parodiest. But you knew right away, oh, okay, Airplane. Airplane. Some of these other.

Airplane 2, the sequel. Yeah, Hot Shots, Hot Shots, Part Deux. Part Deux, yeah. And before I knew it, I was whisked away just a couple short bus rides to a little casting office on the Brea oh my and I met

200 South to it was it was now it's a lamp store a lamp store it was still it was still a lamp store

but they would sometimes they would have meetings in the back and I met the directors and I fell in love with the project and before I knew it I was on my way

to New Orleans. New Orleans. Uh-oh. The NOLA, baby. And this was not that long post-Katrina. This was, I think it was the day Katrina started. During, yeah. It was when we got there.

During. I remember we were shooting, and I was like. Able to steal some good shots that way. Yeah, we got some great B-roll. And I remember thinking like I'd love to knock this scene

out and they were like like a levy just broke get out get to high ground and we did and

you know we shut down production for about two years but we made a commitment to making this film and

you know the minute New Orleans was back, we had a big ribbon-cutting ceremony. Ray Nagin came down and cut the ribbon. What better way to celebrate the rebirth of the cultural capital of the South? America's greatest city, arguably, besides New York City. Than with a ribbon-cut cutting for Meet the Spartans. Yes. Is that what the movie was?

That was Meet the Spartans, yes. Which, of course, was a parody of what I thought was Meet the Parents. Yeah, sure. It does sound like, from the title, that it's based on Meet the Parents or even Meet the Fockers. No, no. This was a parody of the film 300. Did you play one character in this movie? Well, I kind of went around the world.

Yeah. I did a real assortment. At the time, I was probably the fourth or fifth biggest star on MADtv, which was at the time Saturday Night Live's disabled cousin. And I was a lot of heat off that show. I had a lot of heat and a lot of offers. And this one just stuck to me because it allowed me

to do what I do best which was imitate Dane Cook who was sizzling at the time. I love that character of yours. You were Miss Swan

as well? I did Miss Swan on Mad TV. I did Cosby and James Brown. I did Stewart. Oh God, we did this character. Man, I did James Brown I did Stewart oh god

we did this we did this character oh man I did Fat Black Mammy was this character that I did and she was just

this incredibly greedy older African American woman very greedy and petty and always smoking cigarettes

and hitting her grandchildren and I did that and I won a NAACP Image Award for that in 2005. But yeah, I was a big part of that show. So much range. Yeah, a lot of range. A lot of range. A lot of range.

And that takes us to Disaster Movie, also in 2008. Well, much like De Niro and Scorsese after Mean Streets myself and the creators who are truly wonderful men they said we need our big problem

with the last movie was that there wasn't you doing enough imitations so we really stepped it up for a disaster movie. We went from just Dane Cook and maybe

one other person to I mean we did Hellboy. Okay, yeah. And that was funny because it was the fourth time I had imitated a Ron Perlman character. I had done Beast. I had doneman character. I had done Beast.

I had done Hellboy. I had done his character in Pacific Rim. At that time? At that time. Pre-Pacific Rim, but you'd seen the dailies. I knew what he was going to do. I know that guy like the back of my hand. And one other one.

And yeah, Anton Chigger from No Country for Old Men. Wow. Yeah. Anton Chigger from No Country for Old Men. Wow. Batman. There's the list of people who played Batman in Hollywood. It goes as follows in terms of how well they stuck the landing.

Number one, Val Kilmer. Number two, me. Number three, Adam West. Number one, Val Kilmer. Number two, me. Number three, Adam West. Number four, Clunes. Number five, Affleck. Number six, Clunes, again. Number seven, Keaton. And I do not acknowledge Christian Bale, what he did to that character.

He's not being Batman. We're just recovering from that now. We're finally starting to pull out of the skin. He brought way too much integrity to the role, I found, and made it very... Batman's supposed to be funny. Batman's supposed to be funny, light. He's supposed to say funny things. The dark origin of him is a cover.

He's like a comedian, and I thought Christian Bale completely missed that. Well, that's what's so funny is like the Joker, who's like his rival, is actually not funny. Batman's the funny one. Batman's the funny one. The Joker is 100% twisted, messed up, just like completely off the record. It's about as sick as it gets. It's about as sick as it gets. It's about as sick as it gets. Yeah, that for me no thank you, not the kind of

story I want to hear. I would like to see a Batman movie where he's not fighting anyone and he's just cutting up. Yeah, where it's just him hanging out with his friends. In class. Just fucking around. I almost want to see instead of Pete Holmes on crashing Batman. Please don't touch crashing. I think that would be interesting. I almost want to see instead of Pete Holmes on crashing Batman, please

don't touch crashing. I love to talk about Hollywood, but the idea of it being anyone else is cool. That, to me, is out of bounds. You know, because I do, I really, yeah, I

always say, like, oh, wouldn't it be interesting, like, this person was up for this role, this person was up for that, and think, like, wouldn't that be interesting, this person was up for this role this person was up for that wouldn't that be different to even picture changing Pete Holmes, who's perfectly cast as 20 year old Pete Holmes I mean, that to me is sacrilege

I always thought that it would have been more interesting if in Schindler's List Amon Goethe instead of Ralph Fiennes, if it was Kevin Dillon. I thought that would be a good one. Holy shit, bro! Fucking killed a girl

in a red dress! I could see that really working. That could happen. It would be good. It'd be interesting. We'd be talking about it. We talk about these experiments and these risks. The thing about these movies that you do, I watch all other movies, and they don't have any of my favorite characters in them. They just have the characters that are in that movie.

It literally feels like half the movies made now only feature the characters from that movie, feels like half the movies made now only feature the characters from that movie. And they're not finding any opportunities to have Spider-Man show up, for the Green Lantern to come and break dance with Slimer. It is. You're missing a huge opportunity. Because they're both green. Yeah. More mashups.

Like, DJs figured it out. They're like, I'm going to take, like, Kid Rock, the greatest song of all time is All Summer Long by Kid Rock, because he was, like, I'm going to take, like Kid Rock, the greatest song of all time is All Summer Long by Kid Rock. Because he was like smart. He's like, I'm going to take Werewolves of London and Sweet Home Alabama and just mash them up. Smish them. Smish them. Three songs.

It's not called a jelly sandwich. Other songs are just one song. That song's three. Give me three songs any day. It's just more. It's another Littered Skittered song. Give me three songs. Give me three songs. Yeah, it's just bigger. It's another Littered Skittered song. Give me three songs. Yeah, it's just bigger and better.

Big guys, guys, I'll tell you this. Bigger is the new better. So we did our own one of these. Yeah. You guys wrote one? We did a spoof. We scoured the market and we said, what's hot right now? Which is always the way to approach it. And we said, well, it seems like

lately, just the past 10 years or so, there's all these teacher fight movies. Teacher fight movies. You know, there's even one now called Fist Fight. But they just won't stop making these. And so can we come up with our version that uses the best stuff from, you know, six or seven of these teacher fight movies, but also is using some stuff from some other movies? six or seven of these teacher fight movies, but also is using some

stuff from some other movies. I mean, it's great. Yeah. I mean, it's just, this is a classic skewering. We, you know, we don't, look, we're not here to make fun of any of these movies. No. We're not going after it. We're just here to show them.

Absolutely. I want to make fun of them. Just to present these characters. Yes. Yes. It's a container. Yes. These movies are just to make fun of them. Just to present these characters. Yes, yes. It's a container. These movies are just containers. What is your guys' Teacher Fight movie called?

Teacher Fight movie. Sure, sure, sure. It's better, don't make them guess. Teacher Fight movie. Can we read this? Can we read it? Oh, God. Can we hand these out? You're putting me on the spot. Can we read Teacher Fight movie one? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're highlighted here. Do You're putting me on the spot. Can we read Teacher Fright Movie 1? Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm in. You're highlighted here. Do you see the highlights? Your stuff. It's a lot of characters,

guys. Bella Thorne? I'm going to play Bella Thorne? Alright, I'll try. Yeah, she is a character. We think you got the goods. Yep, Bella Thorne's in there. And some actors and some characters. Got it. Some actors, some characters.

And some of the members of Fallout Boy. I can actually do Pete Wentz. Oh, okay. Great. This is going to be great. I'll do stuff. Who will you do? Well, I'm going to do Gump.

If you remember the President of the United States of America, he had a song called Lump, and then Weird Al made it Gump if you remember the President of the United States of America had a song called Lump and that weird I'll made it Gump you're playing I'm playing that's our matchup character specifically is the lead singer

of Fall Out Boy but it's Forrest Gump and his name is Patrick Gump there's a lot of Weird Al stuff I see him also playing the Florence Henderson part

in the Amish Paradise she doesn't even say anything but I got it I'll try to yeah let's anything, but I got it. I'll try to try something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's get in and I'll do stage directions. Great, great, great. Cody, are we, from a sound

perspective, where are we at? Yeah, we gotta get this right, buddy. We're at nominal. Okay. Great. Nominal. Nominal. Okay. Okay. Okay. Interior. Uh-huh. Star Wars High School. Bella Thorne struts her stuff down the hallway.

Hey, nerds. Eat my shit. Ha-ha. Oh, you got it, Mr. Bixby. I'm going to turn in my test tomorrow. Kelly, tonight's the night I'm going to let Mark eat my butt. Oh, gross. Here comes Mitchell Whitaker.

Ew, he's in a wheelchair. Stimpy comes up in a letterman jacket. Hey, Bella. I'm going to eat my litter box. Chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp. Ew, gross. It's time for class. They go to the class with teacher Wreck-It Ralph.

Hello, everybody. Today's lesson is all about prom. The first prom took place in 2200 B.C. Patrick Gumpf raises his hand. Stupid is as chocolate does. Oh, God. Patrick shit his pants again. He's disgusting.

I hate him. Patrick, stand up and pull your pants down. Life is like a pants of chocolate. Oh, gross. Oh, he's so fucking gross. Remember, if you don't ask your person to prom by the end of today, you go to prom jail. The other teacher comes in. It's friggin' Snape.

The other teacher comes in. It's friggin' Snape. You little troublesome students. I've got to get this class in order. Who wants to go to prom jail? Snippity dooga dogs. The members of Good Charlotte are here as well And they signed off on us using this song And so we don't get in trouble for using this song for so long

When we're only supposed to use 15 seconds Hey Mr. Snape, check out my new fucking tattoo It's a picture of my brother's face on my back I got drumsticks tattooed on my arms But I'm the one who plays the guitar. We are so twisted! Yeah!

That's bad. So this is great. This is starting off good. We're setting up some different areas of conflict here because we do eventually need to get to a teacher fight. Prom Jail is interesting.

I wish it was almost called Prom Jail. Unfortunately, it is called Teacher Fight Movie 1. Right, so we do. I don't know if we've... I'm guessing Wreck-It Ralph is the first teacher. I'm guessing we haven't met the second teacher yet. It could be.

I mean, Snape's one of the teachers. Okay, so it's, but we don't, that's not necessarily the teacher who's going to fight Wreck-It Ralph.

I thought Snape was going to be the guy who's like monitoring the fight and like he's the guy and I bet you, I thought in the next scene we were going to meet

the teacher who Wreck-It Ralph fights. Yeah, we could definitely maybe, I don't know, meet that teacher there.

Which, is there another scene that you want us to, because we can't do the whole there. Is there another scene that you want us to, because we can't do the whole thing, is there a scene that you... Oh, just to cherry pick one of the stronger scenes for us to talk about? Yeah. Yeah, I guess just the funeral. I mean, there's a baby's funeral in it,

and I think that that could be pretty strong. It happens on the football field 50-yard line. They bury a baby who got hurt really bad in the teacher fight, and they're pretty sure it's going to die, so they just want to get it buried. Got it. So we are skipping the teacher fight. Yeah, the teacher fight's the end of the first act. It's mostly action lines anyway.

I just don't think. I think it's cool, too too that the movie really doesn't focus on the teacher fight and deals with the fallout. The aftermath of like, unfortunately, these teacher fights in real life, you were having a teacher fight, a baby would end up getting probably punched and maybe killed. Probably would die.

Yeah, this scene is heartbreaking. Okay, well, let's get into it. We'll probably meet the other teacher who's in the fight here I'm guessing, right? I'm not sure It's been a while since I've taken a look at this But let's read it

50-yard line of the football field exterior The king's speech is there. He's trying to give the eulogy. Now, we are gathered here on this soccer pitch.

Doug from The Hangover, Justin Bartha's character, chimes in. What do I even sound like? You. Bloody well. Hey. Wait, but the baby comes out of the ground and it's a vampire,

but Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter is here. four score and seven necks to go our forefathers had a teacher fight bats fly out of his mouth it says that's cool that. Now, do you think it's good that we had the vampire hunter sort of be a vampire? Like, I guess it's sort of a Blade-type scenario for him where he's got bats coming out of his mouth, and that makes him hate the vampire baby. That was a good scene. I just want to say, every once in a while you read a scene, you're like, this is why I'm in this business. Yeah, no notes. No notes on this one.

Good to shoot. It's a shoot to cut. Wow, man, that's crazy, the kink speech. The kink speech doing the eulogy was really strong. It's a good use of him, I feel like. It's good, I think. Because this whole thing is giving speeches. It's a kind of speech. We didn's good, I think. Because his whole thing is giving speeches. It's a kind of speech.

We didn't mention, but the artist was also there. But you just can't hear him. But he's doing incredibly talented stuff. Yeah. Dances and stuff. There's a dog or something. I don't really remember what happens in that movie. Legendary.

Yeah, the dog catches fire. What else should we cover? Oh, just in terms of the teacher fight movie? I mean, I guess the scene that you really want to see is just them trying to figure out how the fancy coffee machine works in the teacher's lounge. This is a scene that I feel like is very relatable. Well, everyone's been in that. Everyone has been in that situation. Whether you're a teacher or you're in a teacher's lounge,

the coffee machine is there. If you're a principal. If you're an administrator or a nurse. Yeah, it's... If you're a janitor, groundskeeper. If you're a janitor, custodian. The coach. Yeah, coach or an assistant coach.

If you're, I don't know, like a foreign exchange teacher or something. Right, when they bring the foreign exchange student, they have to have the foreign exchange teacher come. Superintendent visiting the school. Superintendent coming to visit the school. Local politician, Betsy DeVos. There's so many times where people have walked into a teacher's lounge and seen this. Even you could be somebody who got in a car accident near the school. Yeah.

And then need to use the phone. Need a drone. Yeah, they brought them in to recover and they were like, I don't want to work this guy. What I really need is a coffee. Yeah. But what if it were characters from movies is sort of the concept behind this scene. That's why I think this is so memorable.

Yeah. So let's get into this. Teacher's Lounge, inside. Sound of a coffee machine breaking. Anne Hathaway from Love and Other Drugs is there. Coffee gets hotter. Ah! And she was naked, like in the movie.

Ah, my tits! Ah, I burned my tits! Boy, those are some sweater puppies. I'm Oscar the Grouch. Oscar, that's just harassment. You're making this not a good workplace to work in. Fuck you.

The dictator comes in. He's dressed as a coffee machine repairman Hello Did someone say the coffee's broken Uh oh Look at my bar sack The hangover tiger Comes in

No sorry we already did the hangover It's the life of pie tiger They're great Right Think about it hangover. It's the life of Pie Tiger. They're great. Right? Think about it. No, but I'm in your mind. Right?

Yeah, I guess so, Tiger. Hey, guys. I really could use a cup of coffee. I had a really rough night last night. Found out whole family blew up. Whole family, extended family, everyone. They blew up, and I'm having a rough day.

And all I need is a cup of joe. And that was Colin Farrell's character from Total Recall, the remake. From Total Recall, the remake. Guys, we got to run this story in the school paper about all the teachers is molesting the students. It's time to run it now. From Spotlight. I'm going to bring a teacher and charge her to do it in the school paper. And I'm going to really fight another teacher If we don't run this story now

Oh, and I'm that That one priest from Spotlight No, no, it's okay, I was molested You don't understand, I was molested When I was a boy What does that mean? No, it's okay What does that make okay?

I was molested What's okay because of that? No, no, you don't understand. I myself was molested. Yeah, but... Oh. Time for another teacher fight. It seems like here comes the boom should be here.

Boom! Did someone call my name fuck you that's great I am so glad that we you really captured what we were trying to capture that scene which is it is okay because the guy was molesting himself

all these movies have a message I feel like Disaster Movie had a similar thing. It did. Free love. Yes. The message for Disaster Movie was – There was a Shiavo element there, I know.

Shiavo should still be alive. At the time, Shiavo was the hottest story. If you really watch the movie, you can see what the filmmakers, I believe, are trying to say is that only God can end a life. It's not the job of a state. The title card at the end, she was looking at that balloon. The kind of, the last thing,

like when they're putting up the film code is like, oh yeah, if she was so dead, how come she was drooling? Which is fucking weird. But I'm glad that they said what they had to say. Yeah, I know that was powerful for me. And so your job as an artist. I mean, as somebody who didn't get a lot out of traditional school,

I look to the theater to be where I get my lessons. Yes. I was raised in a theater as well. Yeah. Yeah. Both my parents were junior improv coaches. They were improv coaches. Junior improv coaches.

They would coach like students, students student classes not really like performance classes but that's where they had me that's where I I didn't leave my improv theater until I was like 16 a lot of kids running around there because it is a fuck fest it's a fuck fest

every which way every hole is filled you end up being raised by just so many parents at once. So many alcoholic parents who think they're funny. And there were times where I really wish I had a conventional upbringing. But most days, I look back at those times where I would watch some obese nerd do coke. And those are really, I think that's kind of why I'm here now. Now, do we want to do the post-credit blooper reel?

Oh, my gosh, yes. Obviously, that's something that you have to put a lot of time into, like what characters are going to flub their lines and who's going to crack up at what happens. We rehearsed the blooper reel for a month. It was almost just like we wanted to get it right. We knew it. One thing about this blooper reel, it's a one-er.

It's all in one take. Most blooper reels are kind of broken up. Yeah, they're cutting around. They're cutting around. And this was like our directors looked at this and they're like, we want our blooper reel to be like Snake Eyes. Oh, yeah. I was going to say the Children of Men.

Yeah, Children of Men. Yeah, yeah. I was going to say the children of men. Yeah, children of men. Or gravity. We wanted it to have that kind of magnitude. So it is a one-er. And you had to be really sure to not fuck up fucking up. Yeah, no. Every mistake has to be

just right. It has to be just right. The audience was melophony and we knew that if we screwed this up, they would never forgive us. So let's get into it. Let me finish this ad for Logan. Real quick.

Yeah, play it. I will be seeing that. Ready to horror. Okay, it's the blooper time. Interior bloopers. The Dude Perfect guys are hanging out. Dude!

The trick shot guys who are in the Ruffles commercials. What? Oh! They have to screw up somehow. What? The frisbee fell. What do we do now?

I guess we should hang ourselves. Extreme hanging. Whoa! Whoa! Fetty Wap comes in. What's up, Trick? What's up, Playo? What's up?

I see you all got here. You all got a fucking school fight, teacher fight. Teacher fight, school fight, the Trap Dog. Trap Dog came in and they all said teacher fight to break it. It's me, Birdman. Live theater's still relevant. Yo, man, live theater. And only a movie can prove it. Live theater can fucking suck these nuts.

Fuck you, live theater. Fuck you. Better not. It's live theater. If you likes TV. Man, all I like is TV, man. I'm binge watching Mozart and the fucking Jungle. Shit, that show fucking rocks.

Superhero movies aren't good. Live theater's good. The director breaks in. We're using that. Cut. We're using that. Cut. We're using that. No, don't. Come on.

Yo, man. Yo, no, no. I thought this was a blooper reel, man. Oh, no. I'm going to be in Paris when that's on. No. This is not why I went to Yale Drama School. Good blooper reel.

That's fucking blooper. Yeah, really good. It was weird with the exception of the two bros dying. Yeah. There wasn't really any bloopers almost. Yeah. They went a different way. It was like an argument.

Yeah. It was an argument between Fetty Wap and Birdman. Fetty Wap talks about how it's a blooper reel a lot, which I guess is kind of a blooper itself because it's supposed to be like a staged blooper reel. Yeah. But maybe that's what makes it such a big blooper. Fetty Wap was like 14 when that movie was made.

Yeah. Yeah. That's good. That's good. The blooper reel, that was great, guys. Yeah, yeah. Teacher fight. Teacher fight.

Teacher fight the movie. One. What's happening, Ike? What are you doing? Where are we going now? Ike, I'm on board. I'm on the train. What's the next stop? We are rooting for you, Ike.

Well, thank you. Thank you, guys. I am writing, trying to write the sequel to the film Suicide Squad. Congrats on the Oscar, by the way. Thank you, Chris, Alessandro,

my boys. How long did you spend in the chair for that? For me, my pickup from the hotel was 1 a.m. Portal to portal. And then I'm in the chair. I leave my hotel at 1 a.m.

I'm in the makeup chair by 530 because I was staying about four and a half hours away from set. And then, yeah, about another seven or eight hours in the chair. And then I would get to set and then they were like, we're not shooting you today. So I would start to turn around, go home about four hours in the chair to get the makeup off, four-hour drive. So it's really one whole day. But honestly, the effect was you were the jail policeman. I was. You became the jail policeman.

I remember leaving the theater, and I turned to Hayes, and I thought, I thought Ike was supposed to be in that movie. Yeah, where's Ike? He disappeared in that one. I thought Ike was going to be in this. No. Yeah. It was a very, listen, it was one of my more freaky creations. But...

Will we be seeing him again in Tuicide Squad? Well, the Tuicide Squad, the thought of my story kind of follows him. And I kind of thought, like, I liked the movie a lot, but I kind of thought that Harley Quinn and Deadshot, I thought those characters kind of lost, made the movie lose focus. Yeah. So my kind of pitch, which I have not pitched to David Ayer or Warners or DC or anyone really, but mine is to really focus on my character, kind of his day-to-day life.

This kind of cold openness I wrote is seriously twisted. It's like it starts at like a Sam's Club. It's me and my wife at Sam's Club looking for deals we're looking for deals we got there early on a Saturday we're there I see this new lawnmower my wife is arguing me she's like the lawnmower we have is fine

I'm like it's not fine the blade got nicked just last week shut the fuck up you know she tells me she fucking pulls out our Wells Fargo app, and she's like, look how much is in checking. Look how much we have in checking. Subtract that.

Subtract that mower and tell me how much is left. So then I break out my phone and I pull out my calculator. I'm going to get my calc numbers real quick. And I crunch numbers and I'm like, there's enough. It's freaky. It's about to get freakier. I do a quick price compare and i see that at best buy better fucking on the other side of town better deal but the gas money going big into lawnmowers the gas money this is the thing my

wife says to me you stupid fucking asshole what about the gas money and i'm like shut up yeah shut up with the gas fucking money and we get in the car we drive all the way down there we get to the fucking best buy yeah it's closed wow and she wonders why your character is taking such an interest in this when she's the one who mows the lawn yeah and i'm like i like, I don't, yeah, she's like, this is me, it's my fucking life we're talking about. But you know the blade

got nicked up because you inspect the blade every week and you go, you must have hit a turtle or something. I literally, every Saturday I wake up

and I take the photos from last week's and I look at it and I go, one centimeter off. The Best Buy was closed for an employee's birthday. Yeah, I know. Oh, no.

So that's just like the first 30 to 35 pages, kind of. And I think from there we do kind of get back into kind of the bad guy, the conventional bad guy. And there's a couple kids. Yeah. Is there anything? Yeah. I remember in an early draft something about once we're done getting this lawnmower, I'm going to go home and mow your lawn.

Yeah. Yeah. My character, he says all kinds of like kind of messed up sex stuff. What's that mean? Stuff you could take both ways. Yeah. Yeah. Like double entendres.

Like I said to her, I was like, I have this best double entendre. Later, there's another scene later when we're at like a Kroger. Okay. And I see this huge, you guys, you don't even understand how big. In my mind, in the script, it's like this cucumber and it's so big. And I'm walking my wife and I look at her and I go, why don't you shove this up your pussy? And she's like, that is not cool that you said that. And then the next five pages is us fighting in this Kroger.

And then the manager comes over and he's like, get out of here. Bye. Bye. Earwolf. I'm a horny girl wolf. This has been an Earwolf production. Executive produced by Scott Aukerman,

Colin Anderson, and Chris Bannon. For more information and content, visit Earwolf.com. Ow. That was a HeadGum Podcast.