Hollywood Handbook - Iliza Shlesinger, Our Close Friend

Episode Date: October 27, 2014

The guys begin with another installment of The Right Stuff, where they explain the four types of conflict in detail. Then ILIZA SHLESINGER appears to talk funny business cards, explore a career in ventriloquy, and answer Popcorn Gallery questions about being a Jewish comedian and her ten catchphrases.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Mine's too heavy. Like, I can't hold it up for so long. And I'm like, give me that. And I have both guns. And I'm, like, stepping on both of, like, the paddles and stuff. And I beat all the guys, every guy. Yeah, but that game's easy. What? Oh, but that's an easy game. Why? Time crisis?

They're shooting at you. Okay. What are you thinking of? I think I'm just thinking of time. Okay. Where you just shoot a clock. Oh, okay. So that is a game.

Yes. How many times do you have to shoot? Well, until the the clock smashed up and if you can get the numbers off then what well then you know then you that's you beat all levels and that and because the levels are very clear it's each one is a number and to blast them apart. Do you have to go in order or you can skip around? Now, this is an argument that I get in with Fatboy Slim because we do disagree. Because I think you should have to go in order or reverse order. Mm-hmm. But he thinks-

Like in Europe. In in Europe it's different. Yes, in Europe or even on Jupiter. But he thinks... He thinks that... I just want to clarify. I haven't been to Jupiter, but I'm just saying, if you go to a different place, they might play a game a different way. Yes.

But there's still order to it. It's just an example of a different place. He thinks any number you hit, that's fair game. Because we each set up a clock and then I'll get out my... Oh, this is not a video game. We each set up a clock on the wall, like a round clock, and then I'll get out my Desert Eagle 44 Magnums with the fucking gold-plated handles. And I'll load them up with hollow points and we will just fucking blast away if we're you know if we're staying at the same hotel or whatever

we'll just blast away and i say if you hit a four and then the next thing you hit is a nine the nine don't count brother and so you know that's been an argument between me and fat boy hey welcome to hollywood handbook and insiders guide to kicking button dropping names in the red carpet line back hall fuck it's okay hey it's okay hey welcome to hollywood handbook and insiders guide to kicking button dropping names in the red carpet line back hallways of this industry we call show this i need to know that you know it's okay it's okay once I do it again and you let me finish. Okay.

And so it's perfect. Hey, welcome to Hollywood Handbook and Insider's Guide to Kicking Button, Dropping Names, and the Red Carpet Linebacker Hallways of this Industry we call Showbiz. Hey, I'm Hayes Davenport. I'm here with Sean Clevitz. Time for the show. Let's talk about... What up, what up? Okay.

Story, story, story, story. What up, what up, what up? Okay. Story, story, story, story. It's so important whether you're being actor, whether you're being writer, being director. The central part of any movie,, what is basics about this? And how do I look at and ask questions of me about my thing what I made and know, is that what's good or am I making mistake? So, story.

Story. What is at the actual middle part and center, too, of stories? Ooh, teacher, I know. Okay, I'm going to call on the gentleman with the very nice face and who I like the way he's dressed as well. It's conflict. That's right, student. And so now this student comes to the head of the class and he gets an A plus gold star. I get an A plus because conflict has to be at the center of every story.

You need your characters being conflict with one another. And can I say, if I had students that looked like you, they'd be getting a little bit of extra credit. And that's just a compliment on your appearance. Thank you. Now, yes. Thanks. Yes.

You also, very nice teacher, nice-looking teacher. That's not what I was doing it for. Conflict. You need conflict in the story. You can't just have story guys jerking off there's no there's no conflict there but when you say guy comes up and says hey you're stop drinking off you're at the beach now now you have a story that's a story and it's an upcoming movie any and yes that that's another. And that's going to be Trey Songz is going to be jerking off at the beach. And they're going to be trying to stop him. And there's a whole gang of people trying to stop him.

And it's the guy from Inside Llewellyn Davis. And it's frigging, oh, it's most of the people from that movie, right? Because it's Oscar Isaac. Yeah. And it's frigging, oh, it's most of the people from that movie, right? Because it's Oscar Isaac. Yeah. And it's frigging. Cary Mulligan. Cary Mulligan and the guy from the band. John Goodman is in it.

The guy from the band, the Blues Brothers? Yeah. 2000. And so that's an upcoming movie. And it is going to be a movie. And we got all that money for it because we did have conflict in the story. And the initial script was just a guy jerking off. And so when you need to find a conflict, what you got to remember is there's four kinds of conflict, and we're going to explain them all to you. And this is a segment that we like to do called the right stuff.

This I think falls into the right stuff. This falls under the, the larger umbrella of the right stuff, which is the, is, and it's the right stuff. R I G H T. Yes.

Because in order to write a story correctly, W-R-I-T-E, you need to have the right stuff to do it. Yes. The correct stuff to write it with. So let's go down the list. Four big kinds of conflict. Get out your pens and write a story with one of these kinds of conflicts. First of the big four, man versus man. Okay.

So this is like Rambo versus some chump's face with a punch. I mean, that's a man versus another man. Yes. Now, to make that story interesting, you might want to have that guy have big muscles with the chump face. And how about this? What if the other guy is arnold schwarzenegger okay so then i'm really confused in a way and that can be interesting but i almost and i hate

and i and i hate to feel like i'm disagreeing with hayes i'm not but that's two good guys yes and so why would they ever be fighting each other yes why would they be fighting each other well what if there's a third guy who's bad who tricked them okay and this is where we get into the bad guy and maybe both of them Arnold and Salone

can at the same time be kicking into the back of his butt yes and his buttocks will be getting hit with two boots from two muscular muscle men. If the third guy is like the Undertaker or something like that. If it's the Undertaker who is a bad guy and we know that. And he's trying to put everyone in graves. Yes.

And so then he gets his butt walloped with two strong boots. And that is an example of man versus man. At the end, he gets a big kick. Yes, a kick into the grave. Man versus man usually ends up being man versus man, then both guys versus Undertaker. Yes, this is a little complex, but it is man versus man. It's usually man versus man who you think could be a bad guy,

but you know he's a good guy, so then the two good guys finally get along and take out the Undertaker, put him in the grave, and pour acid on him inside the grave. So second one would be man versus society. Now there's only one movie that really does this, and it's People versus Larry Flint. Yes, and if you'll remember,

Larry Flint is this very heroic figure and he's uh just kind of being funny and kind of sort of talking funny and he wants people to be free yes and then the president who's not that dissimilar from the current guy in the office right now it starts telling him hey you can't do that you can't say that, which is not that dissimilar from some of the stuff that Obama has been sending my way. And Larry Flint, not that dissimilar from me, kind of stands up and goes, well, I'm going to do what I want to do, and guess what, you could go ahead and stuff it, buster.

And so usually how it goes, it's like the man ends up beating society and now look at what we have we have a new society and yes this is something that we could play out in real life on november 2nd yes super thought and we can finally get somebody in there who knows his... P's and Q's. Yes. Yes, and to put it kindly, knows his P's and Q's. And I think you know who I'm talking about when I say somebody. And that somebody is somebody who we're all thinking of the same person, right? The third one is man versus self. I guess that's kind of like the Trey songs movie.

Kevin Costner. What? Kevin Costner. Is that somebody? Oh, he's the new somebody. They kind of guard doing is a little guy who happens to be my friend. Same as Kevin Costner.

And he's got this invention that turns water into gold. So anyway, Same as Kevin Costner, and he's got this invention that turns water into gold. So anyway, man versus self. This one, yeah, you go, oh, is this like the Trey Songz thing where he's sort of beating himself, like abusing himself? Some people call that act, jerking off. It's not exactly that um it's more it's like if it's like if you have a disease that's like it is part of you and so it is it's about a guy getting sick basically yeah and so it's like if you have diarrhea or if like kind of – it doesn't have to be that.

It probably shouldn't be that, actually. Yeah, that's too funny. If you want a real conflict, it should be something like a – Can't stop peeing? That's kind of in the same neighborhood as diarrhea for me, though, if you can't stop peeing. Yes. You would think it's kind of like the opposite of diarrhea, but it actually is almost the same thing. And I just was going to pitch another one that I think has the same issue, and it's boners too hard.

So you have to be careful, and that's why we do these exercises where we sort of say, what are the major conflicts and what versions of them is acceptable? And so it should be scary like an eye, like your eyes are all foggy, you know, and you're like a little kid or something like that. Yes. Not too scary. And it's one of those diseases you have where you're bald.

And so that's the kind of conflict where you like, you don't, you stop being sick. You have just like, find the medicine. It's a medicine finding show. Find the medicine. Yes. Go find Dr. House. Whatever it takes to get healthy again and to get your eyes clear. And in the film that we are working on where an adult jonathan lipnicki

who's very strong uh is struggling with fogginess is we just ultimately we give him his glasses back the fourth one is man versus nature now this is a very interesting one whoa okay yes i mean hello man versus nature hello getting you know freaking bushwhacked anybody stuck by a bee i mean this is a great this is a great example because Bushwacked seems like man versus nature, but it's actually when you really get down to what Bushwacked is, it's man versus Boy Scout troop, which is sort of a subdivision of man versus society. Yes, because they are a society.

With rules and secrets. And let me tell you, if you're not part of it, boy, you better not get too close. Because they'll really let you know you're not welcome. Yes. If you're not part of the Boy Scouts, and this is actually good to know, don't try to just walk up and be in the Boy Scouts. Just don't. Yeah. And you can't be on their camp out with them. Yeah.

Even if you have all kinds of skills. And really good snacks. And by the way, if they don't want to share them, they're lost because I can't finish it all myself, but now they don't get to eat it. Man versus nature is kind of like if you're trying to be a tornado catcher or something like that. If you're trying to stop a storm or if you're trying to plug up a volcano with a big cork. Or if you want to get out from under the ocean because you can't breathe down there.

Yes. And so a good story is like if somebody is under the ocean. Starting at the bottom, trying to get all the way up to the top. Yes, and swimming. And meeting fish. Meeting fish that you get carried by a turtle, anything. Anything but just sitting at the bottom of the ocean. That's not a good script.

No. So you're ready to go. You guys are ready to write. Those are the four kinds of conflict a writer writes. A writer writes every day. We have a great guest. Eliza Schlesinger is here, and she's a stand-up comedian, and you know her from being the winner of Last Comic Standing

and from seeing her stand-up comedy on TV. And she's going to talk to us real soon on Hollywood Handbook. So I say to Penn, Badgley, that is a perfect carving pumpkin. May I see it? And he sort of hems and haws, and he hands it to me. And I turn it over, and sure enough, on the bottom are my initials. And that's why I put them there, so you can't switch pumpkins with me when I'm picking pumpkins.

And Penn tried to do it. You do it when they're small, and then they get to be big, perfect, perfect carving pumpkins. They're already mine. Hey, welcome to Hollywood Handbook and Insider's Guide to Kicking Butt and Dropping Names in the Red Carpet Linebacker Hallways of this industry we call showbiz. What up, what up? Sometimes we say we have a real corker of a guest, and I think we have one today. I think we have a true corker of a guest today.

Eliza Schlesinger is here. Schlesinger or Schlee Singer? Schlesinger. It's corker of a guest today. Eliza Schlesinger is here. Schlesinger or Schleesinger? Schlesinger. It's actually neither of those. Oh. Has anyone made hay out of pronouncing your last name before? It's so much hay. Yes.

Schlesinger. This is literally the way every interview starts, so thanks for doing your phonetic research. Schlesinger. Schlesinger. There you go. Schlesinger. Nope. I think that's the way it's supposed to sound outside of the fatherland.

Why don't you do stuff about that at the beginning of your act? Because I'm not a minority comic. It's not fair that they get that corner, is it? So my last name is ethnic, and that defines my act. My last name is Schlesinger, and I'm looking to marry someone very white to get rid of it. What do they write on your Starbucks cup? I mean, do they mess around with that? You know what?

Who gives their last name for a Starbucks cup? Oh, I have to. Why? Just very loudly. Just because someone I know might be behind me in my line. You never know who's in there. Right. You know what?

I'm going to go ahead and say no one's in there. No one famous is ever as much as people that are sitting there writing their screenplays want there to be famous casting directors and producers lurking. No one ever is. It's just like other people from Burbank. Scoop Troop, get out your pens because that's good advice. Don't go to Starbucks if you want to meet a famous producer. Yeah, you probably should take a meeting or do the work.

And that's another good advice. Do the work. Do the work or take a meeting at a Starbucks. Yes, take it at a Starbucks. I wonder if they opened up a giant Starbucks next to Soho House if people would just opt to go there. Instead. Instead. Instead of paying $20 for a hamburger and $17 for parking.

Now we should explain what Soho House is because these people live in... Garbageville. Indiana. Yes. Thank you. Yes, that's a very succinct way of saying what we were going to skirt around.

I hope they're sophisticated enough to get that joke. Yeah. Soho House. Soho House. This is a club. You have, I guess, an American Legion in their hometowns. What do they have? What you probably have is a VFW Hall.

A VFW Hall. Yes, you probably have that, and you can hold functions there. I don't think they're the same. Well, that's... It's just the closest we can get. To Soho House. So that's like their club, and they can go there, and it's like an exclusive club for veterans of foreign wars. Right.

I also feel like the people listening to this aren't so retarded that they won't understand the concept of a private club, like an Elks Lodge, but for ladies can go too. Would that that were true, Eliza. That would be just such a delight if I could have confidence that the people listening would be able to understand the concept of a private club. And you don't get the messages, Eliza. Believe me. Is it just them pounding on keyboards like, my farm equipment? Well, it's a group email frequently from an entire town who all gathered around the one computer at the library and listened to this. And they vote on which letters.

What's a library? And see, that's a thing. This is the reverse. Yes. Where we hear they mail us books for free because they want us to turn them into movies, they go to a special book house. Yeah.

And they have some sort of system where it's like they have to bring it back. Oh. So someone else can read it. Or what happens? They go to jail. Yeah. I always wondered about that

when you checked out a library book. So it's like a 35 cent fine. They can't ruin your credit score. What really would happen if you never return a library book?

That'll follow you through the library system forever if you're part of that system. Well, you just opt to not be homeless and you don't have to be part of the system.

It goes on your permanent record. There's no permanent record. Yeah, there is. I'm sure there is. Time Warner Cable keeps a permanent record on everyone.

Yes. Yes, and with Google and NSA and invasion of privacy. I don't want to get into all of it, but, you know, there's a big thumbprint

that we leave out on the internet, isn't there? Yeah. Eliza, you have a new album. And we, you know, wanted to listen to some comedy. So we looked. We go to Sam Goody and we.

We went, yes. Where'd you find a Sam Goody? You guys live in the valley, don't you? Well, there's. What is the valley? We can get drove anywhere. and the lines are so... They're moving. But we saw the...

We picked up the album to listen, and there is a photo on it. Oh, War Paint, my Netflix special. Yes, you know the one. Okay, okay. That's like an album. Yeah, it's an album, sure. And we looked on the one. Okay. That's like an album. Yeah, it's an album. Sure. And we looked on the cover.

Yeah. And I don't even know how to. There's a. I mean, you got to have an album cover. It's you. It's a picture. It is you on there. And.

He was uncomfortable with women. Well, I just like. I'm trying to figure out how to say We don't I mean we don't even see the difference You know We don't see the difference a lot of the time It's like

Very noble It's you You're holding a lipstick And What to How else to describe the image It's your hair And no

Just naked. Well, is that not a word? Yes, that's... You said that's what it is. I didn't say the N-word. I mean, it's just the word naked. What's wrong with you? What's wrong with either of you?

It just sounds like two rats eating lunch right now. I just keep hearing I'm trying to figure it out. I'm naked on the cover. Well, it's when you look at it, you expect to see somebody wearing a shirt and pants and holding a microphone and doing a comedy show. Well, people need to change their expectations. It's not always going to be a person in shirt and pants.

That's not the way the society is. expectations. It's not always going to be a person in shirt and pants. That's not the way the society is. Well, what if all the comedians did that? Then where would we be? Then I would have probably worn a shirt and pants. Well, just think about where we would be. Zig when they zag.

Yeah. Zig Ziglar. Would we be in a good place if all the comedians were just being nude? No, we'd be in a bad place. And they're specials? Because most comedians are horrible looking under their clothes. Yes'd be in a bad place. In their specials? Because they're all, most comedians are horrible looking under their clothes. Yes, and so think about that. And so what happens?

They are, yes. It's Bill Cosby in his next special. Well, hopefully. Exposes his. Bill Cosby doesn't have to pull a PR stunt like that to get attention,

but I felt that I did. So I did it. Also because I could. Now. That's the real answer. You mentioned comedians being horrible looking under their clothes. Most people are. A lot of them, yes.

And that's interesting to me because isn't it true that you can only be funny if you were once a nerd? I don't think that's true anymore. You were once a nerd? I don't think that's true anymore. But I think a lot of nerds want you to think that. And I think when nerds are growing up, they're like, this is going to pay off big time. All this hate criming and getting hazed and harassed is going to pay off because I'm going to grow up to be a real writer. Well, we love nerds. And I want to say I don't stand behind that.

Well, we love nerds, and I want to say I don't stand behind that. And Chris Hardwick is actually a very good friend of our show, and we hope he will be one soon. Yes. And nerds like us and like him know that only true nerds know what it means to be funny, and that it's not, as some people have said, just a cheap angle at the fan base who you know will be most fanatical and devoted to you for me to say, hey, I'm a nerd. Well, I guess, what is a nerd?

I think it's a... Yes. You can, everyone's got a different definition. It's comic books. It's only comic books. Yes, it's if you read the comic books. So all the kids that are into science, that don't go outside, that have allergies, that don't play sports. I love science.

That like Japanese things. I love science. Those aren't nerds. Well, they have Japanese comics. Japanese comics are big. So we're including Japanese comics as well. Yes. And Star Wars and stuff like that.

Yes, Star Wars. So we're expanding. Ever expand as we're talking. Star Wars comic book. Yes. Star Wars. Japanese comic book, Star Wars comic book. Japanese Star Wars comic book. Yes. Star Wars. Japanese comic book, Star Wars comic book. Japanese Star Wars comic book.

Okay, so it's those. Yes. But any of the kids that were into building science projects and staying at home, any like dorks like that aren't necessarily smart. Dorks different than nerds. Yes, the dorks. There's no dorkest podcast. That would be an amazing competitor. So you're just, it's dorks. There's no dorkest podcast. That would be an amazing competitor.

So it's just nerds. Basically, you're saying only nerds can appreciate comedy. We love nerds. Yes. Chris Hardwick will probably come on your podcast. You don't have to keep saying we love nerds. He's a very nice guy. If you've been a nerd, then you really know what's funny.

Right. Okay. Okay. Yeah. Can we amend that? Yes. And also regular people know as well. Hmm.

You did an if-then, but I'm amending it. Well, they told us you were edgy. We knew you were going to come in here with a spit and fire. Eliza, you have a podcast. Truth and You, Eliza. It's the only pun that works with my name. And oh. It just hit you. Truth and Lies.

When you say it like that, it makes it sound stupid. I think it's smart. That's my podcast. And I just, I named it that because it was a name that i pitched for tons of pilots and no one ever said yes and i was like i'll do my own and isn't and podcast is basically the same as a pilot these days uh nope i don't know the media landscape what media landscape the internet it's, it's evolving. The internet. It's streaming, yeah. Where'd you learn the phrase media landscape and like why would you say it? Science book.

Just, yes. I don't think that you guys are nerds. I think you're just writers. I don't think, nothing about you. No, I'll read a big science book. Like a textbook? Like a child's textbook? A big one.

A big one? Did you wink at me? Is that what that was? I didn't mean to. Okay. I got a podcast. Yes. Yes.

Tell us about that. Speak on that. Yeah, speak on that. Please speak. Sure. It's a podcast where the theme is complaining, and we just talk about things we don't like because I believe there's too much positivity, and everything's always around talking about things that bring us together.

And I think Henry Rollins was onto something when he was like, nothing brings people together, like a common hatred. Hitler also said something very similar. Like airplane food. Yeah, but it can be anything from daily grievances and small gripes to social issues. Now the seats on an airplane, they don't actually go back that far. That's right.

They don't. We have to pay extra for it. How many peanuts in that thing? I could spend all day. They don't even give peanuts out anymore except for on Southwest because everyone's got a fucking allergy. Now they just give out blue chips. Like you accomplish something? Oh, like a corn chip.

I thought you meant like an AA chip. No, I don't think they give those out. Like an AA chip. No, I don't think they give those out. You should get a chip at the end of a flight for accomplishing having withstood the slings and arrows of the shitty remarks from all the airline waitresses that work there. They're all horrible. And they didn't used to be like that. I think 9-11.

I think the terrorists have won. No one was ever that shitty before 9-11. I also don't remember because I was like in high school, but I didn't fly that much. Yes, we're all. We're all young. I mean, let's face it. We're all very young. You guys are young? Well, I mean, I remember when I was 9-11,

I was I think a baby. So it's not a nighttime routine. You guys are very young. I remember I remember wanting my baba, and then it was 9-11. I remember that my mom was scared, and that made my environment very turbulent. I just want everyone to know that you're young, and you can play young.

Right? I guess if you're saying it. I guess. I mean, if that's what that means, if that's what that means. I mean, your face is your face. And so, I mean, you guys don't look. Scoop Troop? What's Scoop Troop?

Why is this like the third time I've heard this? Scoop Troop, get out your pens. Remember that your face is your face. So there's a whole troop of people taking notes. Yes. Whenever a guest drops an important piece of Hollywood knowledge, we like to remind the scoop troop, hey, get your pens out and write this one down. Your face is your face.

Yes. You're not just going to remember it at the end of the show, unfortunately, for a lot of these guys. Right. Right. You look young enough, I guess. I don't know. I feel like there's like a weird nebulous age between like 22 and 45 that everyone in

Hollywood kind of exists within. I have a question about your podcast. Okay. How do you popular the show? I don't. Is that a verb? How do you. I'm sorry.

Nerd. How do you be. how would you put this? How do you have the show be listened? You guys are creepy. On the internet, it's a podcast. Right. Okay. Okay.

Great. Okay. We've done that too. Yes. What? Are you leading me to something? How? Hopefully.

What makes people listen to a show and like it? Hey, yes, yes, yes. And come back. And come back and listen again to the next show. To the same show. Yes. Different episode. We want that.

Right. Yes. Yeah, well, I guess you have it, right? Because I'm not your first guest. We have guests. Guests we have. We've gotten that. Guests we have.

But to listen to the guest and to us and other people doing that, how do we do that? You just became like VA Baraka or something? I'm sorry. I'm so passionate about this. Okay, sure. Words are failing you. I get it. I suppose if we're talking to Scoop Troop, can I talk to the Scoop Troop?

Please, yes. Oh, okay. But tell them to get out their pens first because otherwise they're going to try and write with their fists. Okay. Scoop Troop, take out a pen. Any writing utensil doesn't have to be a pen. It's better to be specific with them. Do they know what they're writing on?

It should be probably a pen. Don't write on your face because your face is your face. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Okay. Yes. We've encouraged them to get Moleskines. But we can't control it. Why are you saying it like that get Moleskines. But we can't control it.

Why are you saying it like that? Muleskine. Muleskines. We've encouraged them to get that, yes. Muleskine. What did you want to say to the troops? You talk like Dutch people. We're like just figuring it out.

Get out your Molesk skin like a person make your podcast listenable i suppose you really have to book big celebrities or be one yourself okay it must be what else that's it that's really it has to be something else i don't think there is i think you said internet and you said big celebrities and that's there's gotta be another way those are the only two things we do internet big celebrities it's not working you're thinking maybe try uh having some sort of uh like week like pop quiz like weekly game show element trivia hollywood trivia oh well oh my god forcorn Gallery. It's our weekly quiz segment where we ask our guests quiz questions from our listening audience. Get ready for quiz time. Is this live?

Like, are there people writing in? Mm-mm. You said it was from the people. We have them. They submitted ahead of time. Yes. Oh, so they knew I was... Hey, so if this is jarring for anyone, it's because Cody broke the machine.

Yeah, but he didn't... He's not strong. If you ever saw him in person, you'd be like... Yes. No, he didn't. Yes. Don't think that he used it from using his muscles because it had nothing to do with that.

Please. No, I think that all that happened is probably spilled his high C on there or something. What'd you do? Fucking child. What did you do? You guys take it easy. He's your intern.

What did you do? No, I get paid to be here. Okay, but not enough that it makes it a real job. Yes, that's right. Okay. Not like a job any of a real job. Yes, that's right. Not like a job any of us would want. Now that we're back and hopefully people

have gotten over the shock of Engineer Cody trying to sabotage the show. We can do the quiz. We can do the quiz part. And this is where, it's called the popcorn gallery

because movies, it's about movies, shows about movies. And at the movies, what do you eat? Popcorn. Yes, popcorn. Good.

Yes, you got it. You shouldn't. And so you know about the peanut gallery. You shouldn't. What do you mean? It's just corn is so bad for you. You're already eating corn.

Even popped? Especially popped. There's even more room in your stomach. It is vegetable. I had to skip high holiday services this year because I ate so much corn I got sick. Moving on. I'm joking.

Speaking of which, our first question is about that. Okay. But we have to know that. We have to reach in the popcorn bag and we have to pull out a question. Okay. So it's like a Cracker Jack present.

Is that a new idea? No, it's mine for my podcast called the Hollywood Schman Book. Schman Book. Yeah. It's not like yours at all, though. So we should move on. Okay. Schman Book.

Okay. See how it would work with a Cracker Jack. All right. Let's reach into the Cracker Jack box. Maybe we'll find a prize. Peanut, peanut. Oh, what's this? It's the wire for the frigging recording device.

Duh. Oh, Engineer Cody, you were reaching into the Cracker Jack box. What a convenient sound drop. That's a new target for Mark. Mark is our sound drop guy, the guy who... Yes, he records all those sound drops ahead of time. And I guess he's aiming square at Cody and knew that he would try to do something like he did. Here's a question.

Are we doing the thing again? The popcorn thing? This is it. This is it, yeah. Yes. We're well into it. Questions coming at you. This is a question from a new listener, BRGRHO.

I'm going to pronounce that Burger Ho. Burger Ho writes, Eliza, as a Jewish comedian, what percentage of your earnings must be given to Jerry Steinfeld? Fuck off, Burger Ho. Stupid name. But that is a real thing. That is a dumb question and slightly anti-Semitic.

Speak on that. Why would he want? He's not my manager. Here's how Hollywood works. He's not my manager or my agent, nor is he Lorne Michaels, so he doesn't get a percentage of anything I do. So you're saying that the fact that you're a Jewish comedian, you don't have to give any money to Jerry?

Another Jewish comedian? No, I don't. I've never even met him. Well, Jerry's not just another Jewish comedian. But he is. Well, now this is a... Then let's explore this. He's not another Catholic comedian. But he is. Well, now this is it. Then let's explore this. He's not another Catholic comedian.

But not just another. Not just any Jewish comedian. He's the frigging marriage ref. I mean, are we just going to ignore that? Is that on? No. Oh. I read for it.

That's the only reason I know. He's the frigging marriage ref. So that's where this animosity comes from. You didn't get to be a marriage ref. We're putting that together. So you're not a marriage ref, and all of a sudden he's just some Jewish comedian. I'm not trying to get blacklisted from comedy, but then maybe that one will find out if Jerry Seinfeld listens to your podcast if I can't work tomorrow.

That would be nice. Let's reach into the Cracker Jack gallery bag. Are you going to make the noise? Yes, we'll play the pre-existing sound drop. That's for sure. Okay, I thought you were going to do it. It's my old... It sounds like you just came.

I'm sorry. Like, that's what this... That's horrible. It's my old wrestling singlet from high school. It was in this Cracker Jack box. Oh, Jesus, Cody. Why did Mark find an old wrestling singlet in his Cracker Jack box when he was making fun of you? Or is there something you're not telling us about some athletic days gone by?

No. This question is from Anastasia Vigo. I thought we went through that. Eliza, in showbiz, why do women need to look pretty? They don't, Anastasia. Plenty of actresses are not pretty, because not all stories involve pretty people. Speak on that.

What are some actresses who are not pretty? Well, I mean, you can have a talented actress who isn't pretty. Yes. What about an untalented one who isn't pretty? Well, then you're working it in and out for the rest of your days. An untalented actress who isn't pretty is a stand-up comedian. Or a writer. That's what that is.

So pretty because people want to see pretty people. But most people have weird faces. Most people are very unattractive. Yeah. I myself have a very small bald spot that I've created on the top of my head. Everybody's got their thing. You created it? From his dress.

I found it out today. You found out today. This is fresh. I looked at it. I didn't realize that I had worn all the hair away on the top of my temple. Rubbing at the head? Just thinking. Just like producing so much content.

Oh, right. Speak on content. It's so important these days. Yeah, I just, I'm just producing massive loads of content. Keep going. Just hot loads of,

I don't know. I don't understand what's happening. You gotta keep turning stuff out and throwing it against the wall and hope that it works. So that's why so many people are so quote-unquote multifaceted in Hollywood. That's why no one's business card just says writer.

It says writer slash ice cream turner slash landscaper slash comedian. Business card's important, huh? No. They are. I don't think anyone that has truly made it in any capacity carries a business card. I certainly don't. Because you've got a website. What about a funny one?

No, they're not funny. I'm not saying like a serious one. I'm saying like a funny good one. Do you get serious with me? No. I'm trying to get funny. Like a funny business card. It's cute, but it's also like if you are some – you don't need a business card if you're an actor or comedian and you've made it in any level because people should know who you

are i don't know if you're getting what haze is getting at like the card is funny um it's not that funny i've never looked at a business card i've been like oh my god i cannot catch my breath this is so i can't wait to hold on to this piece of paper. Oh, you haven't seen hazes. Let's see it. Mine, I, you know. Can I ask you a question first? Yes. Just based on your, this like weird demeanor you have. Was there a large discussion about the shade of white?

A la American Psychos. Oh, of my business card? Or, yes. Well, that's the funny thing about it. It ain't white, baby. Yes. Let's see it. It's a... Wait, Cody wants to take a picture of me.

In the middle of everything? Yeah, sometimes he'll just take a picture. Now he's going to try and take a picture of you, too. Don't let him. Don't do it. Yeah. Anyway, it's red and green and it says Santa Claus. That's so stupid.

What do you mean? It gets a laugh. and it says Santa Claus. That's so stupid. What do you mean? It gets a laugh. It just says Santa Claus? Yeah, because that's like as if I'm Santa Claus and we all know he's not real. Yeah, but like. So how could that even be? My business card is just, I say, would you like my business card? And I give somebody a piece of toilet paper.

I go, put your business on that card. Gross. Well, you know, but you do get a pretty big chuckle out of people. And sometimes blue humor works. Do you laugh at that? I haven't really had the occasion to talk to a girl in a business capacity. I mean, it just hasn't come up. And I hope to God it doesn't.

It feels like the wind's blowing that way, and we've mentioned that before. It is changing. It is changing. Yes. Back to this genius idea of giving someone a car that says Santa Claus out of season. Or is it like a perennial thing? It just happens. Like, what is, when do you?

I actually think it's funnier if it's in summertime. Yeah. Because why would he ever be even doing business okay in the summer that's when you have a short beard so you're like this is the summer look yes that's a good thing to say i actually didn't think of that yeah but that's something you bring to it as the audience let me ask you a question so you go you're trying to push your podcast right and you go somewhere to like a distributor or for like a meeting with like a sponsor or something, a serious meeting with suits and people with degrees. And at the end they're like, thanks.

We love some of your ideas. This is great. Say Audible or Stamps.com or yes. And then you're like, wait, there's more. Yeah. Here's my business card. What is it? Here's my business card.

It says Santa Claus. And then they're like, we really need a way to contact you. We need a number or an email and you're like, oh, just put out a plate of cookies. It says the North Pole. It says, send me a letter to the North Pole. Another fictitious place. Does the North Pole exist? Jews don't know.

There's a real North Pole. The North Pole, yes. I actually read this in a science book. The same one? From before? From before? Yes. Okay. It's the top of the world. Well, and I would say this, depending on how you're looking at it.

Because the universe is actually so big that you could be on the other side. Oh, my God. Well, other side and top and bottom don't affect each other. And that's what he's saying. Well, and that's exactly my point in a way. Well, you could be on the other side and if it's round,

then that could be a lot of sides. And it is. And that is true science. I just had this urge to knock you over. Well, you can try. Many have tried. But you're still here in Hollywood. But I'm still in Hollywood.

So yours is a piece between the two of you. Yours is a business card that says Santa Claus. Yours is a piece of toilet paper. It says Santa Claus North Pole, and it's red and green. And here's something fun we like to do. What's your funny business card idea? Is it? Are we reaching into the thing? Oh, you want to go back?

Is this another segment? If you want to pull your funny business card out of like a fake bag and then read it. That's good. I only have the sound part down. I don't know. Yes, that's good. And now just like pretend you're pulling something out. Oh, here it is.

Here it is. Good. And now you read like a funny business card just from your mind. Yeah. Like on par with your joke, funny, or should I strive to be? If you, yeah. Well, you don't need to. It's worth a try.

Okay. Oh, Eliza Schlesinger. And then the back just says Or Schlesinger See, that's good That's what you should be doing your whole act about Because you know what they're thinking When they first see it, they're thinking I don't know how to say this

I hope she doesn't make me say it out loud No contact info because I don't want that Why would I give a card if she has my name on it? Mystique It's just an expensive waste of paper Can I make a very funny suggestion? Maybe you just get an actual

Joker from a deck of playing cards. Because really, that is your business, isn't it? The Joker. Yes. Not the Joker. Let's not dig into that. That's very scary. Okay. The intent of this is to educate, not to frighten. To educate, not frighten.

Yes, well, the Joker's a madman. He obeys no laws and he seems to enjoy doing crap. He thrives on chaos, so we don't talk about that. We're talking about if somebody makes jokes. I think there are comics that give out Joker cards. Speak on that. I think there are comics who give out. Do you have on that i i think there are comics who have any names yeah i don't know i mean i probably am not like in contact with them because they're

probably terrible it's like they think that's funny but pablo francisco i love him i love pablo francisco well he does that funny card thing what's this funny card thing. Because of the Joker card. Let's reach into the cracker bag. Okay. Stickier than usual because of the caramel. Ah, I've found something in it and that's the noise I'm

making. It's not a sex noise. I found that what I did was I pulled something out that I found. Let's not make it filthy. Okay, so that was Mark's sound drop. I guess Mark got upset that you said that it sounded like cumming. Yeah, he said it sounded like he came. Who's Mark?

The guy who does our sound drops. Mark records our sound drops. Is he here? It sometimes does seem like he's here. Yeah, it feels that way. It wasn't his sound drop. You went like, and I never even made jokes like that, but that's what it sounded like. No, it was Mark doing it. It was his sound drop. And sometimes he does anticipate a lot what happens on the show.

And sometimes I'll sort of lip sync along with Mark's sound drops, and I think that can be confusing. I don't really get what Mark is or really what a sound drop is. Mark's my friend from high school, and we've asked him to make a series of sound drops where he pretends to be reaching to a popcorn bag. Oh. And. I thought a sound drop was like when he fucked up earlier and it's like, oh, we dropped the sound. We have to start over.

Oh. No. Because that's literally. No, that's called an engineer Cody drop. This question's from Michael Bay of Pigs. Huh. Eliza. I should be on his car.

Okay. Michael Bay of pigs. Eliza. I should be on his car. Okay, it says, hey girl, what they do, my name Ferrari because of the trunk in the front. We have to read the whole question. I know. It's really disgusting. I'm so sorry. We have to read the whole question. It's a law. Okay.

It's a law. The question is, can you say all 10 of your catchphrases really fast? I would be an asshole if I was like, I got a catchphrase without a TV show. That's one? That's one of them. Okay. Where's the bathroom?

Okay. Is this open? Are these club sodas two for one? Very practical catchphrases. That's what I like about them. I need $50 on pump four. That's a lot. Yeah, that's a big...

Not the expensive gas, but the middle one. Not diesel, because it's a Honda. What else do I have? Oh, are you guys hungry? I also have... Hey. Oh, are you guys hungry? I also have, hey. So many catchphrases are conversation enders, and I like that yours really opened it up for the other party. You demand a response from the audience.

Yeah, 9-11 was an inside job. See, this again, and I don't even remember actually what it was, about any kind of job, because I think I was in a baby crib when that was going on. As opposed to what kind of crib? I'm trying to remember. It definitely wasn't like any kind of older crib because I think I was a baby. I remember looking at some kind of like a mobile. I remember it was so dark and I was just covered in this fluid.

Oh, yes. Is that right? The towers came down. That's the smallest kind of baby. I clearly remember. Yes, I clearly remember it happening, but I don't, you know. That means you were very young. That's the smallest kind of baby you can be.

I guess that makes me young. All right. Well, yeah, you could look like you could play a zygote very young. It looks really good, a bearded zygote. Yes. Those are my catchphrases, though. I'd be interested to know if people think I have some. Thank you for calling it a beard.

Now, one thing we wanted to talk about, should art be a competition? Because you won last comic standing. I did. Congratulations. Thanks. It means a lot now. I think art should be a competition. I think competition is healthy. And I think that in the art world, you know, it's a different type of mindset. So there's nothing wrong with injecting a little bit of competition. And everyone gets a trophy these days.

Everyone does get a trophy. And there's nothing wrong with injecting a little bit of art and grace into the world of competition. Did you get to meet Roseanne? She was not on it. That was only this season. Who was on your season? Bill Bellamy was the host, and there were no celebrity judges. It was America that judged. He's a bit randy, hmm? Doesn't that mean, like, horny?

I didn't find that. I don't know if that's a slight against me or just... That's weird, because usually he gets extremely randy. I don't know why we're using that word. He was just nice. And he too struggled with Schlesinger. Even when I won. And why did they fire him and try to replace him with J.B. Smooth?

Do you think we wouldn't notice? I don't know. I think I'm not about to say, even for the sake of this joke, I'm not about to say something that damns my... I'm not. I don't know. I think I'm not about to say, even for the sake of this joke, I'm not about to say something that damns my, I'm not, I don't fucking know why a show went away for years. Even for the sake of this show. I'm not going to get a sound for this. Wait a second.

Not even for us? Wait a second. Especially not for this. For this in particular, I wouldn't do it. But you would do it. Jamie's movies also. Very say, a popular show. I wouldn't. A big popular podcast. On no show would I get out and say,

I have no idea why NBC changed out one black guy for another. I have no idea. They're both likable and nice. That's interesting. They are both black guys, aren't they? Yes, that is interesting. That wasn't a connection I necessarily made. Really?

Well, like you said, they're both likable. Yes, they're both funny. They're both comedians. They're both slightly randy at times. I mean, yeah, they're dudes, so they fuck. But, yeah, what was the question? I won in 2008, so it's obviously still we're feeling the effects of that

and it's probably my fault that that's been the most acmatic point of my career thus far but I do think that there should be a competition as long as people want to watch it and as long as people are willing to compete you know it's not like we're throwing babies in there is comedy like football comedy is identical to football.

Speak on that. There's actually no difference between comedy and football. When I watch the Super Bowl, I'm like, am I at the Met? Because they don't do comedy. Yes, the home of comedy. Home of comedy. I was thinking art, not comedy. Comedy and football are the same because there's a lot of aggression.

You play with a lot of heart. And the best team doesn't always win. Oh, and isn't that true? Yeah, and your fans can be rabid, and they can also be fair weather fans. And when you're on top, they love you the most. And sometimes you feel irrelevant when you have a bye week. I learned that term recently. Was Bill Hicks too dangerous?

For what? Life? Well. I suppose so. Shouldn't it be JB Smooth? Smooth. Shouldn't it be smooth though? Isn't it smooth? I think it's an ebonics thing.

What's that? It's a black people thing that they tried to put in schools for a while. It's just a good way to keep the lower class down, and I'm really glad that that's not a thing anymore. It's smooth. It's just like a fun take on it, like Schlesinger. Be like, oh, that's a different way to do it. Oh, I see.

Well, now your name makes more sense. Yeah. It's like a funny version. I see. It's better if like a funny version. I see. It's better if I just fall asleep. I can just do that. You wouldn't be the first to fall asleep on our show. No.

Thank you so much, Eliza, for coming on. That's it? Oh, you said you were going to go sleep. I was just getting comfortable. You were going to sleep. Yeah. Oh, well, what did you want to say? I just closed my eyes.

Sorry. I didn't want to say anything. Well, okay. I mean, you seemed really fired up about comedy being like football. I was just trying to – it's nothing like football. You don't think so? It can be if I were writing some sort of paper comparing and contrasting. I could make an argument for either.

George Carlin talked about football and baseball, and he was a comedian. Was he an inspiration? No. What about Lenny Bruce? Not for me. Neither of these men. Too edgy. It's just a bit before my time, and I grew up in a different part of the country with different influences.

Lots of people thought they were too edgy when they were first coming up, and they did swear. They were edgy, but you need things like that so that people get used to it. Now it's a little bit more tame, but at the time... I'm telling the truth. How do you do that? How do you do that with your mouth open? How are you doing that?

I don't know. It's like ventriloquy. What is the way you say it? It's amazing.riloquy. What is with the way you say words? It's amazing. It's dumbistry. Is that a new thing for you to do? So many of these guys are doing that now, and it's so funny.

The puppets? I'm not. Only Jeff Dunham does puppets. Terry Fader does puppets. Yeah, but like. He's rich. You should do puppets. Eliza, think about that.

Is that a good idea? No. That was so good. No. Yes, that's really good. This is really cracking me up. I mean, this other voice and the sort of idea of your hand talking. Yes, put that tissue box on your hand. Okay.

Cody, please get a photograph of this. Yes, that's really good. And Eliza, please don't let him take it. And this is what we create the tension in the studio. That's a really funny guy. I don't know. I'm ready for some fun. What's he say?

What's he say? Achoo. Achoo! He's a Kleenex and he had to sneeze. Okay. He can't find a Kleenex because he's made of them. He can't reach it. He can't use the Kleenex because it'll be like you using your arm.

You can't rip off a Kleenex. Oh, no, buddy. This is my ticket to Vegas. What a hellish existence. I'm covered in flu. Help. Help me. Please.

That's nice. This guy thought I was his business card. I'm not in flu. Help. Help me. Please. That's nice. This guy thought I was his business card. I'm not toilet paper. That's really good. He does callbacks. He does it all. He's coming at me.

I don't like this guy. No, I'm playing around. I can take it. That's pretty good. Okay. Hey, it's okay. You know, I'm the host. I can get made fun of every now and then. So, you know, it's okay.

But let's put the tissue box away. I think we're done with that part. And now, thanks for coming on the show. Was it Burger Ho bought the pro version this week? Yes, Burger Ho bought the pro version, yes. Well. And we already know that that user has a good relationship

with Eliza so we should get a good present from her for Burger Co. So someone buys the pro version of our podcast.

A bunch of people buy the pro version of our podcast. What's the pro version? You get a lot of extra premiums. Yes. They get a phone call

with you. Extra photos. Yeah. How much is it call with you. Extra photos. Yeah. How much is it? It's on a plan. Payment plan? It honestly depends how many weeks you want to pay it off. So it's free.

That's what it sounds like. No. It's not free. Sometimes the interest is free. What if there is no interest whatsoever? Then that's one of the instances he's talking about where the interest is free. Yes, you'd have to have a pretty big lump sum to do that ahead. But otherwise you can do like a 72-week plan or something and then –

If you want to do 72 weeks, then it works out to X amount per week. But if you want to actually commit to it and do something like 320 weeks, then it works out to X amount per week. But if you want to actually commit to it and do something like, you know, 320 weeks, then you actually wind up saving a few dollars per week. Yeah. And it's good. It gives you a lot of tips. And you get... Yeah, you get tips that other people didn't get. And you get

something like Hayes' chopsticks from his dinner at... Garbage? Why do people want this stuff? The miso shop last night. They're plastic. They're glass chopsticks. What's the longest payment plan anyone's ever done? Well, they're still on it.

It's really hard to know. Yeah, it's hard for us to say a firm end point for it because it's still going. And they get autographs. They get all of our autographs. Daily you send them an autograph? Yeah, Engineer Cody has a little stamp. And he'll just put it on whatever's laying around.

He's producing so many he needs to do the stamp. Yeah, you can do that. You can just put it on a stamp. Stamp stock. If only. Oh, they're not. Oh, fuck that. That would be beautiful, yeah.

That would be nice. Who does yours? Yeah, who's yours? I don't have a sponsor. Ooh. Well, I don't need one. Going rogue. Because, yeah. Yeah, fuck it. You don't need one because what? Then how do you get paid? I don't have a sponsor. I don't need one. Going rogue.

Yeah, fuck it. You don't need one because what? Then how do you get paid? I don't get paid. I get paid so much doing the other thing. It's just a labor of love. It's art gratia artis. Art for art's sake. Yes, that's why we do it too.

Art for art's sake. For art's sake. You knew what I fucking said. I did not say art for art's sake. She said art for art's sake. Well, that's what I heard too, and I've got said. I did not say art fart sake. She said art fart sake. Well, that's what I heard too, and I've got my headphones on, and these things don't lie. These cans don't lie.

That's what they say in the biz. And please rate us on iTunes. Give us a nice high rating, and you can talk to us on the Earwolf forums, and you can visit us on our Facebook page. And what was Burger Ho going to get from Eliza this week? Ooh. Hmm. Facebook page. And what was Burger Ho going to get from Eliza this week? Ooh, um, hmm.

I think Burger Ho's going to get a special How Do You Do from Eliza's new tissue box buddy. Should do it now. Yes. Hey, Burger Ho. I'm made of trees. Don't forget. Made of trees.

Love you. We're both wrapped in paper burgers come in paper in a box I'm in a box don't put me in a box now don't use that clip for anything sexual bye this has been an Earwolf Media Production.

Executive Producers Jeff Ulrich and Scott Aukerman. For more information, visit Earwolf.com. Earwolf Radio. Boom. Dot. Com. Oh, oh, oh. The wolf dead.

That was a HeadGum Podcast.