Hollywood Handbook - Improving Brett's House with DC Pierson

Episode Date: January 4, 2016

Sean and the Earwolf studio are unavailable so Hayes and DC Pierson are forced to record from Engineer Brett's home and take drastic measures to make it not as bad.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. So, in the morning at church with Rita Wilson, and she was very well behaved for most of it during the liturgy, the benediction, the lesson, but during the songs, we would start to sing the songs about angels and heaven, and she would sing Take Me to Church, but she would sing a different version i guess it's sort of a song parody version called i am at the church i think it was because she would do it in kind of a weird owl voice where she would go easily i'm at the church i'm worship like a frog she'd say frog During all the things. And then it turned out.

See that tracks. We went to an x-ray after it turned out her brain had sort of migrated into her neck. Hey! Welcome to Hollywood Handbook, an insider's guide to kicking butt and dropping names in the red carpet linebacker hallways of this industry we call showbiz. Housekeeping. Housekeeping. to kicking butt and dropping names in the red carpet linebacker hallways of this industry we call showbiz housekeeping housekeeping uh sean is still out of uh town he's still doing super argo in hawaii uh he got a little sidetracked uh there he stuck in hawaii he um uh tried to pronounce the name of that funny fish that they have there and got arrested for doing it in sort of a rude way. So he is still there. We're also not at the Earwolf Studio today.

At Earwolf Studio, they had a New Year's party. party and engineer cody set off some fireworks in the bathroom and now the studio is kind of an emergency hospital the whole studio has become sort of like a war hospital to administer to cody because he can't he can't be moved. So instead today, we're at Engineer Brett's house. And Engineer Brett is here. Hey, man. Welcome. Thanks, Brett. It's really wonderful being in your house.

We brought DC Pearson here as well to sort of help out with the show. But I did think, what's in store for me coming to Brett's house? Is this going to be his house? Is it going to be something like the movie The Gift, where he has access as a groundskeeper to a much nicer house and has let himself in while the family is out of town, perhaps on a holiday break, and hosts a nice dinner for me at the house to pretend that he's very successful. I thought it could be something like that. It's obviously not because this place is much too bad to pose as a normal house. It's a really bad place.

It's not the kind of place that you would pretend to live in. It's a place you would actually live in. If anything, I'm wondering if you're not a really rich guy who has sort of occupied your gardener's house in a sort of reverse gift scenario. Yeah, I would say neither is exactly right. Somewhere in between. It's just that you live here yeah it's just normal and this is your house yeah it's pretty normal um this is my house this is a room in my house that we're in right now is your is your uh is your girlfriend here what's her busby no uh mindy is her name. Yeah, not Busby.

Her name could be Busby, though. I feel like that would be great, because that would be working that whole side of the street where it's really kind of twee. Is she in the biz? Twee? Yeah. I'm not familiar with that word.

Just sort of indiscriminately old. You know what I mean? Not from any particular era but you meet someone that's like oh they're wearing a dress or they have a hairstyle you're like wow that's old in like a cool way so if her name I don't know if she's trying to make it

it would be nice if she were very old like a flapper yeah exactly but that's almost too determinate in time like that's like too determinate in time. Like that's like from a specific era.

This should just be like, you should just be like, Whoa, that's old. Tight. Yeah. That'd be cool. I really did think it was

Busby. Or, or we could go the other way. And if her name was Buzzfeed, that would be, that's cool too.

Sort of. Exactly. Exactly. Well, you kind of either want to be either one, you know what I mean? You either want to be like kind of cool and throw you kind of want to be either one. You know what I mean? You either want to be kind of cool and throwback,

or you want to be right on the cutting edge. Or BuzzFeed. Yeah, her name should be BuzzFeed. But I did anticipate a little bit the badness. Yeah, it's really bad. Of the place. Well, what is so bad about it? I mean, I'm miking you up.

There's all this stuff that I'm looking at that's so messed up. Like, is this like a metal flower? What is this? Well, the real flowers are expensive. Smells like shit. Yeah. It's like they talk a lot about, you know, in, in like restaurants or in other spaces, like things being reclaimed, like, oh, it's like a lot about, you know, in like restaurants or in other spaces, like things being reclaimed. Like, oh, it's like a reclaimed, you know, industrial space or like reclaimed wood.

This feels like it hasn't been claimed. It feels unclaimed. This feels like we're in like an unclaimed industrial space that like an industrialist, all the industrialists were like too ashamed. space that like an industrialist all the industrialists were like too ashamed like whose whose industrial space is this and none of them stood up at the big meeting where they're sitting around that table where they're sort of carving up a globe a lot of the stuff like that metal flower is just original it was here when i moved in and so i kind of repurposed it you know normally that's great normally that's great in design it's like oh we kept the original whatever and we sort of built around it and this

and here this gives the lie to that because this is if this is all original then breath is really bad this is a bad place and i've never been to this neighborhood before the sign said malaysia town i mean it's an off i feel like a little apart from everyone that i know now from earwolf and stuff but when i moved here it seemed like pretty central to what well just like there's a there's like a taco bell across the street and there's it would have been one thing if it had been malaysia spelled like the country i would have been like oh a lot of malaysian people live here but it was like mal asia like almost like malpractice like oh this is just a really bad version of asia this is all the

the worst things about the entire continent of asia and that i can i i can say confidently that's exactly what i've seen out there on the street. I saw across the street a sign that said dog restaurant, which I thought was a place for people to eat dogs, but it's actually a place for, it seems like, dogs to eat lunch. Like it's a restaurant for dogs to eat. The place is not bad, actually. So you've eaten at the dog restaurant. But you're not allowed to eat at the dog restaurant.

You can't really walk that much around. There's not a lot of places in walking distance. But how do you eat there? You're a man. You just kind of scoop it up to your mouth, and it's like you paw at it. You use bowls. But they let you in, or do you have to wait outside and get a dog you paw at it you like you use bowls but they let you in or do you have to get a dog do you have to wait outside and get a dog to buy food for you i've never had that

problem um because they know you here you're sort of objects as other dogs so you're sort of going they're going oh there's that big dog on his hind legs with a cool right cap on that's right he's scooping that stuff into his you must have read that article that we all read i thought oh this is great now i can which article? the one about how dogs that was Sunday Times the New York Times Magazine right and like the one where cats

are assholes or whatever that article you're not at the dog restaurant you don't have to appeal to our interests you're not at the dog restaurant. You don't have to appeal to our interests. You don't have to kind of banter. You're at your house. You share a wall with a dog restaurant.

I mean, are you worried they're going to- You don't have to banter to what you think dogs are into. They'll hear you? To tell you the truth, my landlords work there. Okay. So we're not allowed to have cats here. work there. Okay.

So we're not allowed to have cats here, and they like it when I show up and give them an update on the place. Your landlords are dogs. That's what I'm trying to say. Okay. Is your microphone working? Is this working? Yeah. Yeah, there it is.

So you can see the mics are really good here um just trying to set it up like a mini earwolf you know yeah that way i don't have to leave don't have to make the commute all the time um it doesn't help that all the mics are like sort of rube goldbergian junk contraptions like they work pretty good given that, but my mic, for example, is made of, like, 70 different oatmeal cans of brands of oatmeal that don't even exist anymore, and I'm not sure they ever did.

I think these might all be, like, old, kitschy, novelty oatmeal cans that never actually held oatmeal in them. Mine has a hamster running in a wheel with a balloon tied to its tail. I'm not even sure. The air bellows? Yeah, the bellows are, I guess, blowing the balloon,

but none of that apparatus seems to be. It doesn't seem to be linked to the rest of it. It seems to be kind of self-contained. Yeah, that's all aesthetic. Yeah. Right. I love the Rube Goldberg stuff. It's just so, don't you wish everything was kind of like that? Yeah. Right. I love the Rube Goldberg stuff. It's just so, don't you wish everything was kind of like that? Yeah.

Like any kid's bedroom in the 80s. Right. That was a big thing that Reagan, yeah, that was, when Reagan ran the first time, he was like, by the end of this decade, all teenagers' bedrooms should have really elaborate Rube Goldberg contraptions. And when they wake up in the morning, it should go through some long process and then they should wake up and talk to the camera. And be able to eat toast.

Part of it is that kids want fresh toast right when they get out of bed. That's a big part of the teenage experience. So Brett, I thought your plays might be bad. And so DC is here as sort of

he's a very well known house pimp just like someone who can come in and pimp your house because you live in a very you guys have been to my house I'm sort of like an artisanal exhibit for houses yeah he's sort of like an artisanal exhibit for houses. Awesome.

Yeah. He's sort of, you know, that was the, what the early two thousands. Right. And that was sort of a different thing. You know,

that was all about glitz, glamor, stuff like that. I'm more about like making it cool, rustic. I, you know, I have,

you look at me, I have a beard. Yeah. I have a beard. Yeah. I have long hair. So he goes, that guy probably knows how to put some things in jars and put them on a shelf in like it's sort of a tasteful way. And that's true. And yeah, you've been to my house. Yeah.

It's extremely pimp. I mean, you say you talk about the exhibit stuff as a different thing right but you do have secret tvs sure sure sure yeah yeah i have um my couch is for um 20s like rims yeah uh exactly yeah. You guys get it. It's super funny. People see it and they go, 420s. And I go, yeah. And then they have this expectant look in their eyes,

like we're about to do something. Like we're about to do something. Like, oh, now some activity is supposed to happen. And I don't know what that is. So I just sort of move on to the next room. You are famously scared of weed. You are famously scared of weed. I'm terrified of weed culture. One time I turned on a podcast and I wasn't aware that Tommy Chong was on it.

And I just couldn't stop screaming and my girlfriend had to rip my headphones off. And she was like, what's the matter? And I was like, I just kept crying. I said, the sticky icky. I cried. And the tears were streaming down my face, but it's really important. I mean, if in, in Hollywood, if the clothes that you wear when you're out on the street, like tell people who you are, whether it's, you know, someone that's wearing a big floppy Carly Simon hat or an even bigger floppy Carly Simon hat, um um then your house is kind of like how do i put this it's clothes

it's like stationary clothes yeah does that make sense it's like expensive big clothes you can't wear exactly you can it's like clothes that are way too big for you that you run around in like you're like you've been shrunk, is what I say to my clients. You sleep in them. Exactly. It's like pajamas. It's like big pajamas that don't fit you, that you run around inside of because you've been turned small by a wizard.

And they're hard. And they're very stiff. Yeah, exactly. Like they've had liquid nitrogen. Someone's dipped them in liquid nitrogen, is what I say to my clients. Because your home is shatterable as well. Oh, yeah. Don't walk fast in my house.

That's the first thing I say to people. And then I say, check out my couch. And then the 420 thing, and then they're weird. And then we walk very, very, very delicately into the next room. they're weird and then we walk very very very delicately into the next room brett just looking around here i notice you have you don't have any books no not so much books um i have a ukulele i have uh that's not a book and see this is the sort of misconception I want to dispel. And if we were like, oh, if somebody ran in here and was like,

I need to record the backing track for a Prius commercial stat, that would be great. But that's really relying on your guests having a very specific need from you, which is to record the backing track for a Prius commercial. Books are actually, you don't even have to think about it in terms of reading. That's a design detail. That's what we call library.

It's a design element. So what are some books you've even read? I read Jurassic Park. That's also not a book. This is, I'm not sure where to begin with this. We did come in here, and you had a DVD case open like a book. You were sitting in your overstuffed chair, and you were looking into it. And you had reading glasses on that look

smashed. I thought they might be the actual reading glasses from the end of that one Twilight Zone episode. And I was like, oh, cool. Is that a prop from that show? You didn't know that I was talking about the show. You thought that I was talking about

the zone. I'm sorry I was talking about the zone. I'm sorry, what zone is that? Oh, the Twilight Zone. I just wanted to create a welcoming environment for you guys to walk into. You have to understand that that's pretty disturbing to walk in and see a guy with a DVD case

that he's reading a book wearing smashed glasses that still have like broken glass in the frames really close to your eyes, and then you're like oh, come on in fellas, and then you put a bookmark in the DVD case that you clearly couldn't see. Even reading the DVD case

upside down. You put a crocheted bookmark in the middle of the DVD case and you slammed it closed. It didn't really close all the way. It didn't even snap. I said, though, like, hey, gentlemen, when you came in. You did try to say, hey, gentlemen, for sure. I could tell that you were trying to say that.

It's like presentation. Right. There are some books that you need that every person in Los Angeles needs to have on their shelves. Or else they take your bookshelf away. You need Easy Riders Raging Bulls, Infinite Jest, Building Stories, the Chris Ware box building stories opened once the Patti Smith just kids you need some kind of

coffee table book about street art not Banksy though from around the world it's better that you have no books better no books than one Banksy you should's better that you have no books. Better no books than one Banksy. Yeah, exactly. Than one Banksy.

You should have one that's about street art and Molly. Oh, Bozzy Pants and, not or, and Yes Please. What's Yes Please? Oh. Ooh. Is that like UCB and Croft? Brett. That the amy poehler oh of course friend of the network friend of the network okay so i need you're telling me i need to get all those books yes you need to get those books yes and they sell them on a wrapped bookshelf um yeah almost kind

of like did you ever get like scholastic Book Order where you would come into the classroom and it would be like shrink-wrapped? All the different books you got would be like sort of shrink-wrapped on your desk because they've just been like thrown out of a truck. You can get all these books like that. It's the LA Bookshelf Starter Kit. Okay. And that's a good place to start. And those should look like ones that you've read. Yes.

Or looked at. Okay, so take the straight breath off. So in your case, if you want them to look like you've read them, they should have a lot of saliva on them. Okay. And maybe sort of like a lollipop saliva,

like it has really bright... It should look like a Jackson Pollock painting of various flavors of Jolly Ranchers. Does that make sense? Yeah, it does make sense. Because you've sort of been... I have a bin of lollipops. Yeah, we know.

I would call it a trough of unwrapped lollipops. Did they come like that? Did they come unwrapped? No, I unwrapped all of them. I thought it would be like a nice platter for the guests. You thought it would be kind of like a 60s thing where there's like a bowl of cigarettes

or something. Or like Snoop has a bowl of joints. Speaking of the 60s, I'm sorry, what did you say? Sorry. Oh yeah, sorry. i said joints but then i remember now that you have a please tell me you were talking about spike lee movies yes soup has okay he has a bowl of he has no better blues you get on the bus girls etc okay

great she did the right thing. She hate me, sure. So speaking of the 60s. Nice deep cut, Brett. Yeah. Really important that you have a bar. A wet bar. A wet bar. Wet bar. Yeah.

What makes it wet, you're asking? Good question. Hayes? I think it, is it inside the pool? Oh, like a swim up bar? Yeah. Is that what makes it a wet bar? Yeah, get a swim up bar, which necessitates a pool.

And that brings me to my next point, which is infinity pools. That was what it was for a while, right? Infinity pools, you would see them in the nicer homes and architectural digest. Oh, my God, Michael Bay's got this great infinity pool. You know, all these different people have this great infinity pool. Now it's about we're going in a different direction. It's about pools being incredibly finite. Yeah.

Infinity pools, it looks like it has no walls. It's just sort of extending forever. So a finite would then be just walls. It should be huge walls. The pool should be, it shouldn't really look like a pool when you look at it. It should look like a big cylinder. So it's basically a well. Yeah, it's like an above-ground well.

What if all of a well were above ground? Yeah, and it's closed out the top, too. Yeah, yeah. Well, that's what makes it so finite, is that you can't even get into it. But there should be water in there. In a bar. Because if people knock on the side of it, they can tell if there's water in there. Cause if people in a bar, cause if people knock on the side of it,

they can tell if there's water in there from the sound in a bar, they can tell by knocking on the side of it, that there's a bar and water in there based on the sound. Okay. So I need to get all those books and I need to get a finite pool with a bar in it. Here's what else you need. Okay. You ever, you're just like kind of lounging around the house and you know, with a bar in it. A wet bar. Here's what else you need.

You're just kind of lounging around the house and you want to kind of spread out because you're like a guy. Oh, yeah. Watch your stuff and maybe scratch down there a little bit. And Busby's hanging out. She's bothering you. She wants a hot snack.

You're a turd. You're like a she's bothering you. She wants us hot. She wants a snack. You're a turd. You're like a big fat turd of a man. And she's smoking hot. Yeah. And you're tired of her shit. It's really nice. You're tired of her shit. Yeah.

She's nice and you're fucking sick of it. You're like, ugh. Stop trying to engage in a reciprocal adult relationship with me. So where are you going to go? Where am I going to go? Yeah. Scratch.

Well, the dog restaurant works pretty well for that. Oh, man cave. I've always wanted a man cave. It's a limitlessly fun and good idea. The idea of a man cave i've always wanted a man cave it's a limitlessly fun and good idea the idea of a man cave yeah it super appeals to everyone it's not infantilizing at all no and it it's it's like a tv it's like a tv 60 okay 60s TV? Okay. Wait, hold on. Let's dig back. We have more work to do. Where do we begin with this?

He lit up and said, it's like TV. Now, if you think that a TV is for little image caves. It started with the concept of space. Just like inhabitable space. As opposed to just like images. It's really two versus three dimensions that we're talking about. Do you think that you're currently inside a TV? No, I just, man cave, I think, I mean, there's TV there, right?

There is TV there. There is TV there. And now I think you're acting like that's what you thought it was the first time, but I think you're actually just catching up to it. I think when we came in here, you were agnostic about whether or not you're inside a TV right now. I don't think you definitively thought you were in a TV, but I don't think you definitively thought you were in a TV.

No one knows. No one knows. My position is no. You can never really say for sure that you weren't in a TV. No one knows. My position is no. We can never really know. You can never really say for sure. Definitively that we're not in a TV. It's the peak of arrogance to say that you know for sure that we aren't in an Aliens TV. Yeah.

When I said 66 before, I was talking about, yes, TV, 66-inch Vizio. Kaepernick, fathead. The best player. You knew I was a Niners fan. That really stung. Koozies. What should the Koozies have on them? They should say, like, this isn't a gut.

It's a fuel tank for a sex machine. And they should say, say like four more years get out of here fuck off because you got a bed like 2011 right really koozies that could work in any election cycle and it should have like a mean like kind of knockoff version of the Geico lizard giving the finger. Yeah, like he's got inverted, like an inverted color scheme of what he normally has or something. And his eyes are like kind of small. Or

similarly, like the stack of money, the Geico stack of money, except it's like loonies and toonies. Canadian eyes again are too small. So I have to make this. No. Because they don't sell. No, cash.

Cash. They sell that somewhere? Yeah. The Geico lizard, inverted colors with cat. Cash. Man cave. So I need koozies, books,

finite pool. The books are not for the Man Cave. That's not what men are doing. It's where you go to escape books. Unless it's a Tucker Max. You probably want to throw a Tucker Max book in there. I hope they serve beer in hell. Any number of his other books.

I hope they serve beer in hell. I hope they serve the in hell. I hope they serve the food that Tucker Max likes in prison. Eventually, one assumes. I hope they free the Girls Gone Wild guy soon because that was my friend. So, okay.

So what else? For your house? For Man Cave. Chive stuff? Oh, yes. You're're gonna be keeping very calm and chiving on extremely oh my gosh in this because when you first thought keep calm and uh you know whatever keep calm and carry on you were like fuck that that's fucking stupid that's straight up for that's about people trying to yeah live a war or something. You're like, fuck that.

In your case, it's about looking at Chivettes, repurposing humor from around the internet. Yeah, you think that what could have helped Winston Churchill help the British people sort of keep a stiff upper lip through the Blitz was like if he had read over the radio memes. If he had just read memes over the radio. Funny image memes.

And you're comforted by the fact that the Chivettes seem to be submitting their own pictures. But you're not one to look too deeply. So you're telling me now how I think when I'm in the man room? Yes, when you're driving on.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Yes, when you're KCCOing. Okay. Also, as implied by the name man cave, it should be in a lava tube. Mm-hmm. Not a lava lamp. No.

In a lava tube? Yeah. Lights off. A lava lamp is just... Yeah. yeah what so lights off dim the lights but then again it's not a lava lamp you still seem to be under the impression that you're inside a lava lamp i shouldn't have brought up even the idea of being inside a lava tube which is a naturally occurring like sort of cave structure, knowing full well that that sounds like an appliance, which is a lava lamp,

knowing full well that you're a guy who, when we walked in here, was on the fence, was in sort of a quantum superposition between I'm in a TV and I'm not in a TV. Okay, you'll have to forgive me. This is all just coming out. What's a cave that you might understand better? Maybe your cave could be sort of like a Navajo mound. Like an Iroquois longhouse, perhaps. This is pimping my house where I just buy all these things and build my own things.

Well, that was in a pre... You have to understand, X to the Z exhibit, he was working in a pre-recession world. So they could afford to just show up, give these people these things. Put aquariums in. Put aquariums in. Then send them with that prize out onto the street

to live their lives. Where I assume all that stuff was immediately ripped off. Now most of these things should be naturally occurring. Right. They should either be naturally occurring. And we should find them and reclaim them. And that's sort of where the artisanal stuff comes in. And this is really about living simply.

And what living simply is really about is having shit tons of money. That's the most important thing. You simplify your life. You think, okay, I should just get rid of all this clutter and all this stuff in here. And the real answer is get lots and lots of money so that it's okay that you throw all that stuff away. Because you know you can just go get it again

if you need to. So get money. Get a lot of money. Yeah, that's the big, that's the sort of... That's the theme. Yeah, cash. Exactly. That's the, if this is Ghostbusters 2, that's the pink slime running the sort of that's the theme yeah cash exactly that's the

if this is Ghostbusters 2 that's the pink slime running underneath everything that we're talking about like a lava tube exactly okay

yeah alright we're starting to make some connections here okay cool okay we're starting to make some connections here

cool great now what about like food like what kind of food should I have in the fridge that's a great question

like grilled cheese well it depends on if we're talking about grilled have in the fridge? That's a great question. Like grilled cheese. Well, it depends on if we're talking about the man cave. Grilled cheese in the fridge. Grill up. You just have like pre-made, like the oil has separated from the grilled cheese because it's all cold and it's like in a bag, it's in a baggie. You appear also... I pass your big green egg

on the way in. Your little smoker. You appear to have taken grilled cheese literally and just thrown a closed packet of Trader Joe's smoked Gouda onto your grill.

And it's still on fire. You never had smoked Gouda before? You looked at the product name and it said smoked and you said, I should throw that on my smoker. Almost as though that was designating this product for smoking rather than, it's already been smoked. This is the last thing you probably want to smoke.

It's the recipe. And I just need to know for myself that when we're talking about smoking right now we're talking about putting foods in a smoker no no not not not in a bong no great thank you uh so grilled cheese no grilled cheese no well grilled cheese you can make you could have the ingredients for grilled cheese on hand what i wouldn't recommend is making or buying grilled cheese anywhere and then storing it. And then putting it directly into the fridge. I guess it really depends on what

you should have in the fridge, whether we're talking about your man cave fridge or your fridge for everyone. In the man cave fridge, that's just straight up bacon, my man. Bacon! Straight up bacon. Bacon makes everything taste win.

For the win. Bacon for the win. Such win. Yeah. And then in your general fridge, paleo stuff. Oh, paleo diet? Yeah, if you've moved into your cave, like your lava tube, and you've found anything that cavemen had.

Like bacon? No, no, no. No, anything like spears. Oh, yeah. Arrowheads. Pottery. Sort of Lascaux caves style etchings. Loincloths and stuff.

That's all paleo. Okay. caves style etchings loincloths and stuff that's all paleo okay so that's part of the diet is collecting that kind of stuff and you should be yeah yeah that's that's the paleo diet is really about people think oh it's about eating what cavemen might have eaten going back to that diet that our bodies are supposedly more used to it's really about going and collecting those things and then you get super ripped. Setting up a grid pattern. Yeah, exactly. Going in and taking the time to make one of those

grids, going down into the caves, you will, at the end of all that, I mean, look at any paleontologist. They're fucking yoked. Yeah, they have good bodies and the girls have a nice shape to them. Tight.

Just enough so that you can get a little squeezed. Okay. Just enough so that when they're talking to you, you're like, oh, leave me alone. I just want to go to my man cave and be a fat turd. You should cook your bacon in the lava, by the way, and most of the time it will be swiftly rushed away. You'll watch it burn and escape.

So you kind of run along it with tongs? Yes. Well, this will teach you about impermanence. That'll teach you about nothing is permanent. Because as much as we're talking about, oh, houses and build them here and have features in them that have been in the world for billions of years, like lava tubes,

this is really all to teach you about, you know, nothing is forever. That's mindfulness. Yeah, okay. Which we can talk about now or later. Well, this is... Which is it, Brett? Now or later?

I could go now. Psych, they're the same shit. Yeah. Yeah. I noticed you have... Not the now and later, it's that you have sort of peppering your trough right the rapperless now or later is yeah i was but the rappers are still in the trough they're just not around any candy well that's if you want to take them that's like that's like the um napkin under the appetizer. Okay. Mindfulness.

Yeah, mindfulness. Mindfulness. So that's just being, that's the most, kind of the most important aspect of anything that we're talking about because if your home goes on fire or anything like that, it's not here anymore. Your attitude and the approach that you have to it is your real house. That's where you really live.

You know, you live in your mind. You follow? So my house is going to get, my house is on, if it's on fire. Yeah, you sit down on the ground. I actually live in my mind. Yeah, you sit down on the ground. Okay. You kind of pretend to be asleep.

And then you just go live inside your mind for a little while. But make sure that people are watching you. Because if no one is observing you doing this, it doesn't count. If no one knows how mindful you are, it's for shit. Worthless. Yeah, exactly. And your eyelids should kind of like flutter. Like a minority report. like a minority report like a minority report so and then you should deliver ideally if you could deliver a minority report deliver at the end of this yes you should

have a apparatus that will deliver sort of like you could repurpose a lot of the stuff in this room honestly to be sort of one of those minority report wooden ball etching machines. Because the most convenient way to deliver a name, for example, a tiny, tiny piece of information is to laser it onto a pristinely polished wooden ball and then roll it down a tube and then the person picks it up and looks at it

instead of just putting it on some dumb screen or something. But etching it with touchscreen. Very advanced touchscreen. Yes. What? Etching it? Minority Report. Etching it on a very advanced touchscreen.

Yeah, I guess. Oh, you have a big screen issue. A big thing about screens. I see why you primarily work in podcasts, because I think screens, like visual information, is pretty dangerous for you. You think that you could etch a touchscreen. I mean, you could.

Create a functioning touchscreen. But then it would just be ruined. This explains why when we walked in and we walked past your Samsung Galaxy, it said Brett on it in kind of a desk, like a teenage desk scrawl, and the R was backwards. And there were glass shavings surrounding i think the r was actually the only letter that was correct because if he's gonna use it as an etching which i think was the purpose because there was uh like ink smeared on it as well when he presses it

oh right against because he's gonna use it to make an etching yes that's it okay yeah you have so many materials around here that would be good to do old-fashioned etching with. And that would be a great hobby to, again, tell people about. Like, oh, I'm actually getting into old-fashioned etching. Etching. And they're like, doesn't that take a long time? And you're like, yes, I like that it takes a long time. And they're like, why?

And then you're like, exactly. Slow food. Slow food. Exactly. Slow food. You've heard of farm-to-table? Yes. yes well that's all over we're now doing table to farm which is where we take like we would take everything that's here on this table and we would because a lot of what a lot of people realized in the farm to table revolution they would actually go out to farms and be like these people have

nothing we should bring them some stuff so And we're taking it all away. So now we're giving it back. Exactly. Giving food back to the farmer. Not food, just stuff from the table. Just whatever's on the table. Giving the table. Yeah, exactly.

Okay. Centerpieces, decorative bowls, old bills. The fork. Yeah, a fork. Sure. I have to give my fork back? No. You know what?

Let's just say to keep it clean so we're not at risk of giving them any food back because we like the food that they gave us. They gave us that fair and square. Let's just do like the table that people have like by their front door. So like keys, old mail, a Netflix that they meant to send send back but now they don't even have the disc plan anymore so they're just like have a little bit of anxiety about like what's going to happen if i just send this back will i be in trouble so all the stuff that's on the table stays on the table when you give it back you keep the table because that's your staging area for what yeah everything that's on the table is going.

That's the whole idea is that it's going. It's not staying. The cute coin jar. This is hard for me. It's hard for me to follow. Just the direction that it's... I mean, it's all going. And the one thing that you said is that it's all staying.

No, the stuff that's on the table that's going goes with the table. The table stays here. You keep the table. Much as the farmer kept the farm and sent you the things from the farm. I can see why the phrase table

to farm is messing with you. Table stuff to farm. Table stuff to farm. That's so much clearer. You would have preferred to farm. Table stuff to farm. That's so much clearer. So you would have preferred to farm to table have been referred to as like farm stuff to table. Farm stuff to table. You were sitting in sort of a cool hip restaurant going, where's my farm? Why isn't it here on this table?

Why isn't it here on this table? I can see why the past few years have been frustrating for you. And why you've had to retreat to this weird madman's hut where I'm shocked your smoking hot girlfriend lived. What? Madman. Madman? That's the kind of vibe I'm trying to get. Like Madmax? No, he's talking about Madman the show.

Okay, I think you're conflating. Because, okay, okay, this is starting to make sense now. Because when I'm looking around here, it does seem almost like Sterling Cooper, Draper, Price, like reformed in the year 3000 in a world that experienced several different cataclysms and apocalypses at once in almost a chain reaction. We have nothing left, but we do know that we want to sell C-Core laxatives. That's a little bit what this is feeling. Nope. Not cool. Not cool.

Just because we're able to describe it accurately. We're just continuing to more readily diagnose the problem. Just sort of like a David Bowie kind of thing. Uh-huh. See, again, we're drifting further and further afield because

on the Venn diagram of Mad Max and Mad Men, nowhere in that Venn diagram is David Bowie. I thought it was. His hair is all slickedicked he's got the tie on right and I mean

we could talk about this does segue into we're talking about houses being these giant frozen clothes that you're too small for

and then you run around inside of that could bring us to what I call you know body houses which are clothes. We could talk about that because that is really important as well. Yes, that's right.

Clothes are essentially these small, soft houses as if you got so huge, you end up wearing. Your head's out the chimney. Your head's out the chimney. Exactly. And I love seeing you getting smarter before our eyes because yes that's exactly right your head is out the chimney your arms smashed through the windows right uh and your legs went through you poop through the cellar the cellar door no you don't poop through the cellar door because there shouldn't okay actually turn around, Brett.

Okay, I noticed there is. Okay, now I understand because you do have a large flap in the back of your clothes. That sort of represents a door. But most people don't have any kind of flap. Any kind of big flap. And maybe they should. Maybe that's what we take away. You know, we come into Brett's world. We want to tear everything up.

We want to change everything around. What do we take away from here? What do we learn from him? You know, how do we make it a bilateral exchange rather than just sort of unilaterally us forcing everything on him? What do we take away? Just like his neighborhood has taken all of the worst parts of asia parts i didn't even wasn't even aware of and put them all into one horrible place what do we take away from and maybe it's flaps

can i ask about the the malasia town sign yeah why did someone change the s to an r so it says malaria town um is do people get malaria here there's a huge it's going it's getting better there's a huge amount of water yeah and it hasn't rained for a very long time that's true um yeah malaria comes around but it's it's the gentrification is moving in a little bit if anything i feel like somebody has a vested interest in keeping it as bad or worse because i did see i don't haze i don't know if you saw this but the that big billboard for stand up for standing water yes which looks to be an all-star benefit at Los Angeles' Largo Comedy Club to promote

It seems like to promote Standing Water. It seems like maybe just based on some of the fine print I read that it was funded and put up there by mosquitoes. There was a it was an image of Tigig and judd apatow with a mosquito

sort of the kind of in this it was like a candid the mosquito had its little mosquito arms over both their shoulders and they were sort of like we're in this together. Yeah. Well, that's the best part about LA. There's like a town. There's like a little town for everything. Like, every kind of community is around here. And yours is for mosquitoes and bad Asian dogs. Yeah, we may have mischaracterized it. That may not have been graffiti that changed.

He might just live in Malaria Town. Oh, they were trying maybe trying to there is no mal asia right uh-huh you're right that all asia is boom is that what you're saying it's all good good yeah it's all good it's all good should i talk is that is that is that a way you should talk is that the phrase that we take away from brett's ass is it's all good should we should 2016 see in america where people are saying it's all good and having little um sort of either old-fashioned prospector or like like old child like old-fashioned child pajamas like butt flaps the one springing open when they get surprised or in the prospector's case like upset the one

note i have about the buttons is about the butt flaps is that there are too many buttons butt flaps is that there are too many buttons because any any convenience you might get but flap is counteracted by right that thing is thick with functioning buttons they're not even just around the rim it would be one thing if it was decorative yeah yeah it's a matrix of buttons you have to basically remove it completely some Some of the buttons seem to be... Because otherwise it would hang. For sure, but I think what we're saying is, I think you can make do with two buttons. I think that's sort of the butt flap ideal. Two buttons, one

button on either corner. Some of your buttons on your butt flap seem to be affixed with buttons. I can see... They're guitar picks. some of them are guitar well that's neither here nor there and then i worry about you need to play the guitar i'll always bring my guitar having to expose your butt anytime you need right what we don't want what we don't want is you exposing, you reaching back there and going,

oh, I need a guitar pick. Having to dig through all these buttons to get to one that's a guitar pick. Now your butt's open. Yeah. Does that make sense? It didn't even need to be. I see you're concerned about the flap hanging down

and potentially getting wet in the 20. Is that something that you're concerned about? Yes, yes, potentially getting wet in the 20 is that something that yes yes yes uh i wonder if you could make it potentially long enough the flap that you could sort of pull it underneath and under hold it under your chin or you could have a little you know how ready yes a fixed like you know how i've shared uh the earwolf bathroom with you occasionally before the Cody incident you

when you use a urinal you tend to lift your entire shirt up and hold it on your chin and you have kind of a double chin and fully remove your pants And hold on to your chin. You're sort of a chin. And you have kind of a double chin. And fully remove your pants. Of course.

And let them sort of sit on the ground. I wonder if you could do sort of a similar thing with this flap, since you're so adept at holding things under your chin. I like that. That's a good compromise between what I'm used to and what I'm giving you guys. Right. And that's really what we want

here, I think. Okay. I think I'm learning a lot here. And other than that, clothes-wise, just like any podcast, drop into any podcast these days and they have a clothing solution for you

and much in the way that all podcast ads seem to be trying to make us all the same person which is like a guy that has a Squarespace site he wears bonobos and he gets his food in the mail right nerd food

he gets big bundles of nerd food he eats food he never eats food that's not he eats for the fucking straight up post office yeah he eats like doctor who cutlets yeah a cutlet that looks like a tardis but the clothes you were talking about oh yeah just yeah just hit up a podcast any podcast and they'll pretty much have an all-in-one. Actually, this could be great for you. Or are we launching this right now? An all-in-one podcast, clothing, food, website hosting, by mail, nerd stuff all in one box.

Yeah. Like the pod box. You open a box and inside is a website. A raw, slimy veal cutlet. An IT crowd koozie. And the cutlet's getting all over the website. Oh god, yeah.

Yeah, this filthy website. And like a button down and a tight check button down. Yes. A button down with like a tight check. And desert Yes. A button down with a tight check. And desert booties. So start that business from here? You should start that business.

That's how to pimp your house. That's exactly... Okay. And then you just spilled water all over. I did. So that was part of the... That's sort of... That's like a Fight Club thing.

Oh, okay. You know in Fight Club where they hold up that guy and they're like go live your dream and they hang onto his wallet that's what I was doing just then I was trying to spill water

on as much as many things in the room as possible it's step one of pimping any of any house yeah that's the thing that's what you didn't see

on Pimp My Ride is that X to the Z exhibit would sort of infiltrate and destroy everything about those people's world over the course of months and sometimes

years. And so they were in such a place, it was kind of like a cult thing or like what they do in the Marines. Like, I'm going to break this person down so much to be fully pimped. For their ride to be fully pimped, I need to bring them to zero. Right, build them back up.

Exactly. Put a PlayStation in the trunk do you think you were in a playstation right now yes or no just flash answer oh god uh whichever way you're leaning don't look at our faces to try if we're Solid Snake or Lara Croft. Just, I see you searching my face for similarities to Crash Bandicoot, and that's not where I want you to be. Just snap answer. Nobody knows. Again.

You know what, that's right. The way he says it, it makes me self-conscious about the certainty I've had all along that I'm not in a PlayStation. Can't say you know. Like inside God's PlayStation or something. We all could be. Yeah. PS1. He could be, yeah.

They have determined that God, more than anything, we're most likely, if we're in any of them, to be in like a big dream cast that we're all sort of in the panther dragon yeah soul caliber it could be yes every time which would explain the predominance of giant swords i do find myself sort of jumping unconsciously sometime uh which is it could be god pressing the green triangle, so to speak. So maybe that's what we take away from Brett. We take away butt flaps. Although we do have an improvement on that, which is fewer buttons. We take away his unwillingness to say

definitively that we're not inside of a late 90s gaming system. Right, exactly. Or a PlayStation TV. Those could be connected, I guess. Sure. Ideally, they are. You would want to plug it in.

If we're all inside of a PlayStation, I hope it's not just like a closed loop, like a PlayStation that's just on, but playing for no one. No AV cables. Or just the yellow AV cables. Or is that what we are? I guess it depends on if you think there's a meaning to life or not.

Are we here to entertain some kids after school? I don't want to live in that world. Just in a closed PlayStation, pouring its fun and games into a cable that's disconnected. That's just sort of lying on a carpet here in a corner in Brent's shack. You should be Brent. Honestly, it's a little

fucking bullshit. Oh my god. Here comes Brent and Busby. How is that better than Brett and Bun B? Bun B? Hold on.

No. You'd like to be married to Bun B? Hold on. If you were married to Bun B, or here's what's hot. You, Busby, and Bun B in a polygamous relationship. In 2016, polygamy is where it's at. So Bun B is a person? Yes, Bun B is from U but yes bun b is from uh ugk

from that's he's from atlanta that's a thing yeah okay he's a rapper hotlanta should i say that it does sort of go hand in hand with saying it's all good it's gonna be tough for you you certainly don't get one without it's gonna be tough for you to sort of piecemeal determine whether or not you should say certain things. I think it's gonna be better for you to

sort of develop an overarching philosophy, like a couple of simple rules for what you might say, as opposed to having to check with Hayes and I, who aren't always gonna be here. You do have a good instinct when you say something that's potentially the worst to say, should I say that?

Should I say that? I wonder if you are playing off the faces of the people around you when they just sort of die. You sort of snapped back a little bit when I said that. Maybe that's it for you. Maybe that is it. No, maybe that's it. Maybe your thing is not Solgood or any of these other – Hotland.

Right. Or any of these other terms of phrase. Maybe your thing is to sort of meekly, after you say anything – should I say that? Well, I said it twice. I usually say it again to see the reaction. And then I say, should I say that? Should I say that? Oh, you say it again, hotlanta again, and then you say, should I say that?

Yeah. Maybe should I say that is that's your thing. Because that's both a rule and a catchphrase. Should I say that? Should I say that? It is a pretty good phrase. Should I say that? It is a pretty good phrase. Should I say that? I like that. Because it's sort of open-ended.

It's like verbal crowdsourcing. Whereas theater done, other sort of catchphrases like that, like that comics have, those are meant to sort of be like a button on the end of something. And that's closed. Should I say that? That's open.

That creates a conversation. And now you can monetize. A button on the end of something and that's closed. Should I say that? That's open. That creates a conversation. Now you can monetize. A button on the end of something is not to be taken literally something to put on your hiney. Max two. Max two buttons. Not guitar picks.

No guitar picks, just buttons. Tuck under the chin when pooping. Which we know to be using something you already do so that's great we're setting you up for success and when you discover exactly which one of your catchphrases is right it should go on the t-shirt to be put in keep calm should i say that bye bye Hollywood Handbook is brought to you by Wolf Cool Productions a subsidiary of

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