Hollywood Handbook - Jackie Johnson, Our Close Friend

Episode Date: April 30, 2024

The Boys welcome back Jackie Johnson to open for her live show How to Get a Second Husband. Get a Hat Pack Hat here!Watch the video of today’s episode at Patreon.com/TheFlagrantOnes. Like the show? Rate Hollywood Handbook 5-Stars on Apple PodcastsAdvertise on Hollywood Handbook via Gumball.fm See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Well, here we are again. You know what I mean? It's familiar every time, but it's also new every time. It's like a completely new show every time. That's what's exciting. It's also what's daunting because I don't want to do the exact same show again that we've done before. I don't think people want that, but they do want it to be similar to the good episodes.

I think about how they've done natural disaster movies. Uh-huh. They've done so many about, there's the volcano movie. I think about this too. You go ahead, but I'll think about it too. The earthquake movie. They're doing more twisters. Yes.

They're doing more twisters. Yes. They're doing more Twisters. Yes, the movie is called More Twisters. But they have never done a movie about just how it's so windy outside. And you say like, okay, Twisters is basically that. Not really, that's different. The happening might be closer. Sure, but that's not about how it's so windy outside.

No, it's really not. The Santa Annas. Yes. Uh-huh. Oh, Annas. Annas. Santa Annas. Santa Annas.

The Santa Annas. Yes. Not to be confused with Santana. Santa Annas. I would never. He's like, who, me? No, not you, Santana. Although honestly, when he fuckin' lays down

that Lick on Smooth, it is like a nice warm breeze blowin' over me, isn't it? It is so incredible. You know how horror movies now do that thing where they take a song and they make it creepy? If the Santa Anna movie starts with da-na-na,da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da- Or else forget about it. Do you see like a cow blow by? It's the same cow.

We don't have to license that. Everyone can just know what's the same cow from the twister. We don't have to ask them or whatever. Oh, well they're gonna know because the cows gonna go remember me. Santana. I remember that time when Smooth came out and all the guitarists were like, okay, so it's me on the song.

The song is like me and the singer. Yes. My name is on the song now. Guitar is like the most important part. I'm one of the guys who guys whose the song is by me. For sure. And it's like no, only Santana gets that for some reason. Okay.

Yeah, that's gotta be frustrating. There's a rudeness to that. I'm so happy we got into some music because I was thinking as we have you sitting here that you're rather musical and you would open your podcast always with this musical parody song. And we stole it, we did it for a little while, we'd do a parody song on our basketball one.

Didn't hold a candle when we were laying down. We had listeners do it and then they just stopped. They didn't wanna do it anymore. Yeah, it's a lot of work. We stopped and they stopped. Yeah, it ruins your life too. Every time you're listening to music, you hear the parody version,

you can't stop writing the lyrics in your head. Yeah. There's songs that I've done that now, like when I hear it, I only hear the much worse version that I did. Yes, there's nothing proprietary about it. I don't think y'all stole it from me. I technically kind of stole it from Howard Stern

because they did that for the news, Robin's news every day. So yeah. We borrow so much from Howard. We, yeah, we really do. His paychecks. Kevin's the entire WACP. Yeah.

We borrow so much money from Howard. Yeah, he's floating us. It's really nice. I gotta get him something, but I need to borrow his money to do it. It's hard to buy him a gift. It's really nice. I gotta get him something. But I need to borrow his money to do it. It's hard to buy him a gift. It's hard to buy for him. That's what's challenging about it.

And I don't wanna- It's really hard to shop for hours. Yes. I don't wanna shine a light on the thing we have going either, you know what I mean? I don't wanna kind of remind him about like how much borrowing has been happening. Cause borrowing implies that I have to give it back. No, I know.

That's what's hanging over me as well. And I feel like it's two things. One, it's like you give it to him, he goes, oh right, you're doing this because you owe me something. And also he's going, how did you afford this very nice gift? Do you think giving him a check of his own money would be an appropriate gift?

It's a gesture of good faith. Yeah, what do I put in the memo? This is yours. But front date it. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah. A lot. Something to look forward to. Yeah, it's like Jim Carrey did.

I was gonna say the same thing! Like Jim, like Jim. I was gonna say the same thing. To inspire you, to inspire you Howard. A huge visualization. I'm a big JC head. Yes. and I'm very well aware of that story. For your next chapter, for when, right, you get to cash this check of money that you already have.

He wrote services rendered in the memo, I believe. What a clack. And it was. God. Didn't cash it, gave it to his dad. Put it in his pocket when he was buried. Put it in his dad's breast pocket. When he was buried. Here you go, dad.

Let's dig it up and cash it. And I... And if I know Jim when he's putting it in there, probably gave him a little purple nurple too. And if I know Jim when he's putting it in there, probably gave him a little purple nurple too. Cause he's a cut up. I mean, end of the day, the guy's funny. He said, there's something on your lapel dad. Blah, blah, blah went up the nose.

We gotta dig up his dad and catch that check. The heist of the century. Go up. Wait, cut that even out of the show. That's a movie idea. I was the show. That's a movie idea. That is a movie idea. That's just as good as the Santa Anna's. Okay, so we've cracked two feature films.

Two blockbusters. That's hard to do because everything's remakes right now. Everything. Yes, but this, I mean there's certainly, there's IP involved. Jim Carrey's story about his check. And we go dig it up and we find that it's gone. Someone did it already.

And now we have to bring in Jim and be like, look Jim, don't ask us why we know this, but the money's gone. Yeah. This is like City Slickers legends of Curly's Gold. Yes, yes, it's just like that. You know what, actually you know what it's more like? Or wait, did you say City Slickers legend of Curly's Gold?

Yes I did. Okay, no, okay, that is what I think it's like. Yes. I was feeling like I had a second comparison point, but it's exactly like that. So there's really nowhere to go from there. It's Jackie Johnson. It's Jackie Johnson.

We love having Jackie back on the show, making moves, very powerfully associated with style and beauty and fashion. Speaking of which. No, I put on my, I was getting in the car, I'll say this, and I looked down and I said, why don't I put on my nicer shoes for Jackie? Cause I know that she cares about this kind of thing.

Aesthetics. You know, and I just said like, well she'll appreciate it, unlike some of the fucking scum we have dragged in here every week. The fucking dreams of society. They don't even look at our clothes. Well it's just like they don't know the difference.

It's like they don't give a fuck about my clothes. It's true. No, I mean. I mean why are you even wearing clothes if not for other people to gaze? Well that's what they're for. And to protect me from the harsh rays of the sun. And the winds. And the Santana winds.

Those goddamn Santana winds. We have a hat that we made. Mm-hmm. Elevated street wear. It's coming in. Kevin, fly the hat in. I was just bragging off Mike about how I look really good in hats.

It's well understood. I'm almost concerned that you're gonna start making the hat instead of us making it, you know what I mean? Yeah, that's ridiculous. And she wasn't lying folks. That's ridiculous. Because podcasts are all visual mediums now. It's completely out of hand. It's true, they're all recorded.

She put it on and she pulled it off and that is big facts everybody. So the hat now will hopefully go viral again and feel free to post in the hat, talk about, try not to say that it gave you a headache. Just didn't used to have to say that to guests, but occasionally guests do an Instagram story in the hat, prominently featured, and then post about how they've had

a headache for three days. They're not directly associating it, but I don't like the implication. Yeah. Making moves coast to coast. Yep, yep. Shows every damn month at least. They're coming, yeah, once a month. I'm on that stage.

It's grueling, a grueling schedule. We do a live show once a month, but not a month. I'm on that stage. It's grueling. We do a schedule We do a live show we do a live show once a month, but not every month. Okay. Yeah, you know what I mean? Mm-hmm. Well when we do it, it's only once a month, but it's not every month But you seem to be doing it just about every damn month. I'm trying it's Yeah, I booked those theaters and promote and grind. Are you okay? Thank you for asking. Yeah. Thank you for asking, I am.

I am. Taking the show to New York. That's what I want is. Making an offering to the gods of the great white way. That's right. See if they'll have ya, huh? See if they'll take a bite. What are we talking about?

Dates, venues, time, doors. You want all the dates? I mean, if you don't want it, No, of course I do. Secret dates. Okay, well, I don't know when this comes out. I actually made her, here I am bullying her. Kevin, when does this come out the 30th?

The 30th. Yeah, so after my shows after two of the shows My show is in New York at Union Hall on Tuesday March 7th, so close. No, I'm sorry March May Tuesday, March 7th. So close. No, I'm sorry, March, May. Tuesday, May 7th. That was really close. That was really close.

They both start with an M. Not even that, even just like timing-wise. But also that. Like timing-wise and then it's just like spelling-wise. Yes, all of it. Syllables, all of it. I'm surprised it doesn't happen more. Spring, might as well just say like,

my show is in the springtime. Yes, look it up. And when people say May or March, it could be either one. No, they're so close. You know what I mean? They're so similar. It's just like, springtime.

Flowers are blooming. Yes. Yeah. But just to clarify, Tuesday, May 7th, 7.30 p.m. But just to clarify, Tuesday, May 7th, 730 p.m. Or March. Union Hall, Brooklyn, my show. 730 doors?

I don't know doors, honestly, I've never been. So seven, get there at seven, get you a drink. Doors at seven, okay. If you're Union strong, please do make it out to this show at the Union Hall. I think we all have been through pretty heavy couple of years with that stuff. Bunch of tough customers at that Union Hall though.

Better you can go shot for shot with those guys. Shot of the brown stuff. Tattoo of an anchor on their forearm. Tattoo of an anchor on their forearm. Ace of spades on the other arm with a nude woman featured in the center of it. I mean, I'm just saying the tattoos that I've seen, yeah. They can get rowdy if they don't like it. It gets fucking insane, and I'm usually the cause of it.

Yeah. I'm there and I'm like, I gotta show these guys that I can hang with them, let me disrupt the show. Well, it sounds like I have a lot to look forward to. Well, I am going. That's New York, baby. Yeah, that's New York, I mean. We're going and if you, so what's the show?

My solo show, it's called How to Get a Second Husband. Okay. Amazing, incredible. Because we all know. I'm listening. We all know that starter marriages are a thing. You gotta get your feet wet. Divorce is basically the newest spectator sport these days. Basically. Am I wrong?

And I just think like marriage is a really, really big decision. Turning on ESPN, which stands for extra second person now. Yes. Please? Mm-hmm. They even have an ESPN two. Extra second person now number two, please.

Because there's just so much content. Yes. I just think it's so insane to expect anyone to get something like that right the first time. Right. It just doesn't, it's like, oh I've never tried it before. Right.

I've literally never done this. Yes. And I'm going to do it correctly the very first time. Is there anything else we expect that of? Imagine just getting in a car. Oh yeah. Thank you. Just driving. Just gassing.

Yes, exactly. No, you get the license before you've ever done it. Yes. Okay, I'm gonna drive to work now and I'm supposed to get that exactly right. The first time. And then tomorrow also you have to get it right the first time.

Yeah, for the rest of your life. Yes. Don't touch anything with your car. I would not let you do that, but then I'm gonna let you get married and I'm gonna be like, oh, and make sure you get it right. It's like, it doesn't make any sense. Thank you. At the same time.

Using a sewing machine. I'm just thinking of things that I wouldn't expect to do right that are actually very dangerous. These stories of a woman finds the second husband, like these wonderful stories, a very special thing to happen. At the same time, I want to have my wife. Yes.

So how do we, you know, how do we, how do I navigate this? Because that whole, do we explore that? And so obviously we have an opening show for, we're going to, we're going to be open for you. You know this? Oh, yeah. show for, we're gonna, we're gonna be open for you. You know this? Oh. Yeah, so you, so you've got your show, which congratulations on that,

and thank you for booking the venue and everything. Any big artist is gonna have an opener. Of course. We will be, we will be opening, and just because like the premise of your show, we've already established it makes perfect sense, it's great getting a second husband so nice for the woman, for the first husband.

Right. Not ideal, right? Yeah, it's a lot to kind of make. Imagine this show, just to get everyone really fired up energy, how to keep your first wife. Uh-huh. Oh, got it. Uh-huh.

And we're gonna be, and we're gonna be doing, yeah. Kind of to present both sides. Just cause like, you know, I mean, you, obviously, and I am so, so happy. My wife has seen your show and I'm so happy for her and so excited for her. And Kevin just got married. How much she'll enjoy her second husband.

And Kevin is the first husband. I gotta keep his wife out of the crowd. Well, yeah, well. She's, it's too late Jackie. She's going. Oh, she is? She already went. She bought a hundred tickets for New York.

Oh wow. Yeah. Because I think some of these wives are thinking like, well if everyone is, there's only so many good husbands out there. If everyone's looking for a second husband. If she can kind of corner the market on people who have the information

of how to get a second husband, there won't be as many women competing for that group. She likes really spread out too. I hear that. Yeah, the way she sits in a seat. One foot on each chair. It's not really sitting, yeah. And also brings it up.

I hope she laughs really loud because I'm gonna need to fill the space a little more. Not a laugher, at least in my experience. I've been pretty funny around her. Yeah. She'll nod. Okay. Yeah, a polite smile.

And she also, I've noticed when she shows up at a theater's home, she wears so many layers, and she takes them off and lays them on different seats throughout the show. It's like when Joey wears all the clothes. Oh my gosh. Like that? When he wore all Chandler's clothes.

Exactly. And he was going command though. Could I be wearing any more clothes? Okay, yeah. You hide his underwear. Iconic. He puts on all your clothes. Fucking iconic. Legendary episode.

They were all trying to get ready for Ross's big event. Kevin, if you don't remember this, I'll recap it for you. The one where everyone's not ready. I think that's what it's called. Yeah, yeah. And all he wants is for his friends to come and support him on this evening.

Yes, yes. And all the petty feuds that happened between pals. And we don't, this is exactly what we're trying to avoid, basically, right, is any like, we don't wanna step on your toes. Right. No. But I will say. Oh, we wanna stop you from succeeding.

Exactly, so like, how do we, you know, like, it's, yeah. It's a delicate stance. And we could use, frankly, a little help with like. With our show, which we don't really have an idea for what to say. Yeah. We're stuck in this like, you don't want to restrain anybody, obviously.

We're not trying to like hold any, like imprison anyone in your house. I want my wife to have such a big good life. Yes, but you also don't want them to leave. Don't go anywhere. Go anywhere. Stay here. So how do you, what, like how do we?

What would I do? And this is like the thing, right? Like how do we do? That's gonna be your cross to bear. I can't. But I'm asking you. Yes, yes. But thank you.

But can you help me explain this? Okay, I can. I don't. And I'm sorry, his isn't always clear. Yeah, thank you. Can you help me explain this? Okay, I can. And I'm sorry, his isn't always clear. Yeah, thank you. We don't want the house to be jail, but we want it to be inescapable. Obviously.

Okay. Yes. And so, and for us, of course it's our cross to bear. We're not asking you to write the show for us. We're just asking you, what will we say in the show? And what should we do? And if you could bear this cross. Just temporarily until we understand what you're saying, and then we do that.

Okay, I think I got it now. So like, Kevin, can you explain it? We need help, Jackie. What do we think? We need help. Okay, well, I think first of all, I just want to point out that Friends takes place in New York. Oh, okay.

So they might be there. They might be there. All the Friends might be there. They're getting ready for your show now. Because my show is in New York as well. Yeah. So that's a nice little coincidence that I think is worth bringing up.

And they all might be hanging clothes. I mean, just like Joey's wearing all of Joey's clothes and Kevin's wife is there. Kevin's wife might be wearing all her clothes. Joey might be there wearing all his clothes. Oh my goodness. Joey and Kevin's wife. Holy shit.

They're gonna be the only two people in the audience. They're mixing up the clothes. Well, as they're catching each other, they both go to lay one of their layers on the same chair and it's like, oh, after you. At first there's a competition, right? Cause they're trying to fit through the doorway at the same time, but they're so wide

from all the clothes they have on. And it's sort of like, as the beginning of any good rom-com, it's like, oh, this ass hat, right? This could be the second husband. See? Yeah. Well, and ultimately, as the show is ending

and the lights go down. And that's why Joey went to get tips on picking up divorced women. Exactly. Fuck! As the show is ending and the lights are going down, they each remove their last layer and begin to make passionate love inside the theater.

Kevin's wife and Joey from Friends. It's tough when you're taking off that many clothes, it is tough to know exactly where, like when do you stop taking off clothes. Yeah, we've all been there. So I think you think of things like, okay, like catfishing is bad, obviously, but. Oh my gosh.

Yes. Don't you can't do that. But you create a profile. You do like a sexy guy is like a profile picture. You start messaging your wife is like a sexy guy. Like that's your wife. There's nothing wrong. Well, she with doing that. You're in a, a, a successful relationship

with this person, you know, there's an intimacy there. And so it's not really catfishing to pretend to be someone else to trick them, to make them fall in love with you. Fall in love with you. So they marry you again. And be the second husband. A loophole.

Right? It's feeling like it. And this could be what your show is. How to get a second husband, but it ends up being. The first husband. But it's actually the first husband. And he actually. Catfish.

And he actually, let's not say catfish, let's say. Tilapia. Let's say tilapia'd you. Yeah. Where it's like a little less of an aggressive variant every day Mild flavor. Yes Mm-hmm healthy fats and can take on the seasoning of yeah The issue I think that we have to figure out is what if she does not like

The the messages that you said from the even when you're being hot. Yeah I I would say maybe try again with a new guy I'm gonna like him either. Oh, he what about worse? What about a woman? He's in she doesn't care for her or I'll say this she's not interested in her in that way Okay, yeah, not and that it's not that that wouldn't be an option for her. I think she would be down for something like that, but not with this woman, even though she is sexy. Yeah.

Well, honestly, I feel like I don't want to subcontract this onto someone else, but again, I personally just, I have to go with what I'm feeling in the moment. Yeah, well just let us know. I don't feel like this is my issue, my question. Oh my god, I could not agree with you more. I almost feel like I'm being put on the spot here. Jackie. Jackie.

Not feeling good. What you don't understand is like, we're arguing an agreement. Okay. Because it's, because it's not feeling good. What you don't understand is like, we're arguing an agreement. Oh, okay. Because it's not your issue. We don't think it's your issue. All we're asking for from you literally is for you to solve the issue.

Right, okay. Instead of us. Does that make sense? Yes, but not. Right, okay. All right, let's just zoom out. I hate that idea. Dancing and dancing here.

Let's zoom out and just say, forget the whole issue. Imagine, let's just do this as a metaphor. Okay. Let's say I had a wife. Okay. My wife is trying to find a second husband. Okay. Does that mean she's not your wife anymore?

I just think that, well, this is actually a good question. That's not what that means. Right? She's saying that's what that means. That's not what that means. Come? Is it? She's saying that's what that means. That's not what that means. Come on. It can't be, right? Stupid.

Once again, I'm... I'm a first husband. Right. You're what we call a starter husband. But... But what if I was a finisher husband? But your wife saw my show. Is this where this is coming from, a place of fear?

You know, she definitely saw the show. She loved the show. Did she come home and bring anything up? She did not come home. Oh wow. Yeah. You haven't seen her since. She did not come home.

I got a text, show is so good, it's really working. This made me so curious about the show. Yeah, yeah, is that why I'm here? What if? I don't know why you're here. I don't even know why I'm here. That's a bigger question. Hollywood handbook.

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Use code THEBOYS at checkout to save. Terms and conditions apply. Whoa. Hollywood handbook. What if she's trying to give you a paper? Oh, this is so important. And she's trying to do it in different ways. She's trying to put it into your food. She's trying to pretend that it's like a towel after,

like here's your towel, you can get out of the shower, here's your towel. She really wants to give you this paper. Oh, an alien has landed in the backyard apparently and has something to share with me that's important to the future of mankind. But the alien sounds so much like my wife and the costume that the alien has.

And I can only call it a costume because it's falling apart and I can see my wife underneath the alien mask. And the alien's telling me, and my wife of course, who knows me better than anyone knows, I would love for an alien to give me a piece of paper. This is something I've talked about so much and it just makes me really hesitant to take it, you know? And what I'm picking up with all this,

my wife's costumes are really bad too, when she's like trying to give me a piece of paper and like delivering it in different ways. Kevin's wife makes costumes, but this is part of, this is the buying up 100 tickets. Right, right. You know what I mean? Like they are rat race style. I think they got together at some point

and tried to figure it like, okay, are we gonna work together on this? And then it very quickly became like, it's every wife or herself. And now we have to team up somehow because like the strength in numbers that we could have possibly could help us, especially with you solving the issue for us,

which I think you agree you should do. Yeah. Cause we want- I'm coming around to it. Number one thing is we want them to be happy. Yes, of course. For sure. No matter what. If you love them, let them go. You let a butterfly fly out of your hands.

Exactly. And if it's meant to be, it will fly back. Yes. But most likely it won't. It won't fly back. Pretty rare for the butterfly to come back. It doesn't want your oils on it. back yes but most likely it won't it won't fly back pretty rare yeah butterfly to come back it doesn't want your oils on it it might come back like some of them I've let some go that have been gone for a long time but I sort of

have been getting the feeling like it's got it will eventually come back it's just off like it's I don't think they have a very long lifespan they also don't fly that fast so like if they had to go do something and I've seen some pretty fast ones Canada or something I've seen some fast butterflies, okay? Hmm. I think it depends on the breed Sort of like a chihuahua versus a greyhound. I got both dogs, but okay I got a because my wife has been watching butterflies and birds like fly off in ways that are like Very intense. Yep, like the way she's watching I see they're yeah

You know, I used to do that with my first husband not to scare you you were watching birds and butterflies I would watch them flying away free and mutter something under your belt. What are you guys? fly away free. And mutter something under your butt. What are you guys muttering? Yeah, what are you muttering? What is the single tear rolling down your cheek? Well, sometimes it's just like. She'll be going, like something.

Yeah. And she's, and I'll be like, what? Sometimes it's just grocery list. Oh, okay. Sometimes it's like, okay. That's what she's talking about. We're out of paprika again. I gotta make sure I grab some of that.

Okay. I heard her say me next. Me, okay. That was what I told me. We're out of paprika again, I gotta make sure I grab some of that. Okay. I heard her say me next. Me, okay. That was what I heard distinctly. Me next. That the butterfly left and she go. Me next. And what does that mean?

She can't fly. And that's not any food that I've ever heard of. No, it's not at the grocery store. Yeah, I feel like. And I've been and I've asked. Me next. I've ever heard of no, it's not at the grocery. Yeah, I feel like and I've been me and I've asked Me next I haven't heard of that either and I frequent many grocery stores. So that's that seems accurate mean me next egg Mm-hmm meat and eggs meat meat and eggs meat and eggs That might be it. You basically go to the grocery store to get meat and eggs.

Well, I don't wanna like obviously attack you. You haven't been helpful at all. Cause I wanna be happy too. Right, right, right. Provide the space for you to- And that's kinda like number one for me Yes, of course. The most important thing to me is that she's happy and then I would say My first priority is you my own. Yes. Yes

And you're she's part of that right your happiness would mean that she wouldn't leave you. Oh yeah. Yeah. I would be sad if your wife loved me. Yeah. Yeah. I would be sad about that too. What can we- I would like to help.

I want help. What's the thing that we can say, or I guess like, what's the correct intonation for being like come on? Mm-hmm is it like that is like you mean like dismissing her family Just try a bunch of different ones and you can sort of like react. Yeah. Yeah, give me a break. Oh, go ahead like Come on Meat-eggs, okay, that's bad Okay, okay. That's bad, right? Yeah, it can't be good. Okay, okay, okay.

Come on! Like that. And you said this life ain't good enough. Oh, my God. I'd give my world. Wow, it was right there in the song. To live you up by and change. Oh, God. Oh, no. I give my word Wow, it was right there in the song. To live you up by and change.

Oh God. It's right there, it's always right there. That's what I've been trying to get across. He's trying to warn me the whole time. It's right there. She said the life wasn't good enough. In the bridge. I would kind of, he would say it's just like

the ocean under the moon and I'd be like, I'd kind of be trying to unpack that, the rest of the song. So all the other stuff I would be like, not really listening because in what respect is it like that? Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah, I guess I didn't have a really clear association

of the ocean under the moon. And so I was like, it's just like that? Like it's soaked? It's vast? It's far apart, you know what I mean? It's just, it is nighttime? Depending on the tide. I guess it's under the moon during the day too.

I mean, it is under the moon, yeah. Jackie, can I tell you about my choreography I'm working on? Okay. This show's. I didn't realize he was kind of on the show too. Yeah, neither did we. Okay.

Well he has to, he is involved in the show. He has his own camera and everything? He has his own camera. Wow. And he has to drive. He brings that camera from home. And he's involved in our opening act because also he has to drive. He brings that camera from home. And he's involved in our opening act, because also he has to drive his wife to go to your show.

Got it. So he's gonna be there anyway. He's driving her from LA to New York? Wow. Yeah. Road trip. With all those clothes on too. It's not real. He says road trip, but she's like,

we're not, this is not a road trip. Semantics. Okay, please. The show starts, all the lights turn off. My friend Darius is coming, he's a theatrical director. Ladies and gentlemen, please turn your cell phones off. I come out on stage, big spotlight on me. Actually get your phones out.

Everyone's looking at each other. Wait, what? And play your favorite song full blast. You'll, trust me. Everyone's looking so confused. I'm going, wait, wait, wait, trust me. Can I just clarify, this is for our show? I'm opening for the opener.

Okay. Okay, got it. Okay. So that's two openers. I believe they're one. And are we gonna find out what yours is called and like what yours is, but this believe they call that. And are we gonna find out what yours is called and like what yours is, this is a different show.

When are doors? Doors are at two. Okay. Okay. It's like a festival at this point. Yeah, it's starting to feel that way. And we were saying we don't wanna eat your lunch, but like we're getting closer to the time where like, we are gonna have to have lunch.

This is a late lunch. Yeah. Yeah. Everyone play your favorite song. Everyone's very hesitant. Full blast. Full blast. Trust me here. I have two headset mics and a microphone. Trust me here.

It's like that Beck song. I got two heads of mics and a microphone. And my friend Darius is here. He's a theater director Someone's playing that song too. That's her favorite That's my favorite song. I say number one, huh of all time That was a good drum break That's that's a good feeling to just unequivocally know what your favorite song of all time is. And it's a fun one.

There's so many options. Yeah. So many moods you could choose. Has it been since it came out, that's been it? That's it, someday that's gonna be my funeral song. And then we'll dig up the casket and steal a check. And are people gonna be talking? Sorry, sorry Kevin.

When you say, this could be an interesting thing, you say play your favorite song full blast. Now everyone's kinda talking about their favorite song. I'm asking people to not talk. Okay, well you didn't do that. That might happen, I might have to say, play your favorite song. Everyone's going, hey, I like Beck.

I go shh, shh, shh, and they turn their volume down. No, no, no, play the song. Please don't. The song's full blast. Yeah. Yeah. And you have to be quiet, please. Everyone's playing their song.

I'm pacing back and forth on the stage, hands, fingertips touching. Isn't it? Wait, wait, the stage. Hands, fingertips touching. Isn't it? Wait, wait, so the microphone. You got three microphones. Your fingertips are touching, but you're holding the microphone between your palms? Yeah, I'm kinda saying what you're saying.

It's like an Illuminati symbol. Yeah. Is it secret in there kind of? I do a whole thing on that, just wait. Isn't it interesting? I don't really want, I don't have that much time. Yeah, how long am I waiting? It's different from this thing?

And here's kind of a fancy theatrical trick I do. I have a big spotlight on me, but when I'm going back and forth, the spotlight is not following me. It stays in the same place. Not even for comedic effect, I'm just going back and forth. Isn't it interesting how we have all these different opinions but we think we're so similar?

Well. What if a lot of people play, I mean like. Yeah. A lot of people like that back song. Everyone in the whole audience. I know, I know Jackie and I are playing the same song already. So.

And I know Hayes is borrowing my phone. Have you planned for that? Do you have like an alt? I have a friend at Best Buy who's bringing 40 iPads paying him 80% of my cut to play 39 different songs. They're all Beck songs, because he loves Beck. All the iPads have like the 5G on them though? But they're, well, here's the thing.

That's why he's getting me. It's a friend from Best Buy, and so they're stuck to the kind of display desk. Right, right. But the display desk is on wheels. So he's gonna yoke that to Kevin's car that he's using to drive Leah across the country. They're gonna tow the display. Behind.

Behind them into the theater. And he's going back and forth. 40, at least 42 different songs are playing. Isn't it interesting how we have all these, we all think we're so similar, but when you get down to our deepest desires, we're all very, now I should say the opposite. Isn't it interesting?

Are you workshopping this with us right now? No, I'm getting so lost. What did you say about- We asked four questions that you said they would be answered, but just wait. And we're not anywhere near answering any of them. I am kind of curious though about asking everyone to blast their song.

I feel like there is something exciting about that and kind of avant garde and I would be curious the music choices. But where it's going from here has me. Same. Feeling sick. Yeah. What was the first question about the choreography?

It's about a shoulder roll I'm about to do. Okay. Isn't it interesting how we have all these. Yeah, shoulder roll I'm about to do. Okay. Isn't it interesting how we have all these- Yeah, another thing that has yet to happen. It's so interesting how we have all these different opinions, like our taste in music, for example. See, I point at everyone.

See how you have all these different tastes in music? But when you get down to it, our deepest desires, we're all pretty similar. And I do a shoulder roll. And I start to dance a little bit. Do you think a shoulder roll is a good way to- Is the music still playing? It's all, yeah.

Yeah. Is the shoulder roll showing me that I'm similar? Because I can't do that. I honestly don't know if one single shoulder roll is considered Rob Cordray. Rob Cordray? Yeah. Isn't that what you say?

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, Cordray. Yeah, Cordrayography. Cordrayography. Yeah. You know, I don't know what like is one move. Chordirography. Chordirography.

Chordirography. Is that what that is? I feel like it needs at least two moves to be considered chorirography. That's a good question. Well, he said, then I start to dance a little, but it's just like, if the question is about choreography and then the corduroyography that you describe

is just I start to dance a little. And how are you gonna pick which song, if it all goes according to plan, and every song is different playing at once, how are you gonna pick what song? I guess on one of the 40 iPads, you're gonna have something queued up that you're gonna zero in on.

What I'm very confident about, and I haven't tried this yet, is that at some point, all 40 songs will sync up for a couple seconds. It's just one shoulder roll, I guess. Yeah. Okay. Spotlight move right to my shoulder when I do one shoulder roll, I guess. Yeah. What, okay. Spotlight move right to my shoulder when I do the shoulder roll.

I talk about how I injured my shoulder right. What was the cool theatrical technique that the spotlight holds still and then you walk out of it so that we just like kinda can't see you, but what's that telling me? And the spotlight is so small. That it will. It's a shoulder-sized spotlight. It's like a shoulder pad.

It is a shoulder pad. The spotlight, people are expecting the spotlight. So the spotlight's not gonna move, you're just gonna move your shoulder into the spotlight area. Yeah, loudly too. I'm gonna- Your shoulder into the spotlight area. Yeah, loudly too. I'm gonna go, heya, bing, shoulder goes right into the spotlight.

So no one can see you at all. The only light on the stage is the shoulder pad light. You can see the shoulder. They can- Not at all, you can see the shoulder. You can see the shoulder and you can hear me because I have two headset mics and a microphone. Right, where it's at.

Yeah, I'm concerned, like, the part I like is, so first of all, we can all agree that Kevin does not have a friend at Best Buy. So what I like is when you come out and you say, everyone in the audience, start playing your favorite song full blast, then in keeping with our concept from before,

I think that Leah and Joey Tribbiati from Friends will probably both start playing the same song. Yes, yes. And I think this will be when the ice finally melts. Yeah, because I got high by Afro Man. It's probably Afro Man's, it's definitely an Afro Man song. Right.

And I think it's probably because I got high. Yeah. Yeah. That's high on my list too. Sure, yeah. I mean, it's not number one just because of the back song, but it's like, who wasn't thinking about cleaning their room at one point?

So now you've brought them even closer together basically because this is yet another connection that they've forged and they've already been making love. This is when they realize, yeah, that they have more in common than just a bunch of clothes. That it actually goes much deeper. What's the, what is the name of this shit? Like what's the, what's the premise?

And maybe we can just hear that and be done with this. It's called Chef Kevin's One City Apology Tour. And an homage to my, when I opened for you guys, remember I did that. Those got the same name. Hey, play the hits. You know, I'm gonna go ahead and, I hope you are not offended by this,

but I'm gonna say no thanks. Yeah, I hope that's not offensive to you. She's actually gonna say no thanks. Yeah, I hope that's not offensive to you. She's actually gonna say no thanks. Yeah. Should it be called no thanks? That's a great idea, Jackie. You can call whatever you want, but it's not gonna go on tour with the Jackster.

It just doesn't sound on brand. I have a brand. I have a really strong brand. He is technically opening for us. We're opening for you, but he is technically opening for us. We're opening for us. Okay, I got it, so I don't have a say in it is what you're saying. I mean, like, are you allowed to be like,

oh, this show from the night before is not allowed to happen at the same theater? You know, then why can't the show at 2 p.m. be allowed to happen? Yeah, doors at two. Yeah, there's only so much. I hear you. You know.

It's only us, since he's opening for us, that would have some control over whether or not he does his show. Okay. And for that to happen, I guess we'd have to get a little something in return. Maybe your show ends up with all the first husbands get married again.

But what if I, and I'm just spitballing, I'm not saying this is what's happening. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Try not to get it on me. If I, I'll do a spitball. I'll try. In order to 86 Kevin show,

sure, yeah. What if I just, technicality wise, get rid of y'all opening for me so that I don't have to worry about this show. You hear me? Then what would I be doing? That was what I was trying to, I guess I just need more information.

I need to know what I'm doing. Okay, what are you doing? Yeah. Just going and fucking myself? It's always an option. And this is basically what I said to my wife as well. Yeah. Okay, then what do I do?

It's just like. It has been great, but what the fuck am I doing? You just need to, when you're gonna do something like this, you just need to have information to share. Right. Well, like I said, I'm spitballing. And not just be like, I'm doing this. It's like, okay, that's one tiny piece of what's happening.

But now- There's also a whole other person who doesn't know what they're doing, and you're like, not addressing it at all? Doesn't sound like a show to me. And this is what, you're not alone in this. A lot of guests come on here and talk about some show that they're involved in.

And then it was kinda like, okay, that's, that is part of it for sure. But you didn't say what I'm doing at all. And that's, yeah, and not only are you not alone in being a guest here, it's like a lot of movies, shows, books I read. They've got what I think they feel is like this complete work with all this information.

And none of it is telling me what to do, or like how to behave at all. And this is what our show has been trying to fill in that gap of like our show is, for a long time. I mean, I was here five years ago. I know. Isn't that wild? We've been kind of like-

Not to us, because we were here five years ago and five years before that. That makes sense, yeah. Yes. To say to the industry, like, okay, here's how you do a show about what I'm doing. You know what I mean? I feel, honestly, now I need a major rewrite.

I got it. That's what I'm feeling. He's got it. He's got it. Uh-oh. Hey, homage to the one and only Jackie. My show is called Pretty in Pank. Okay.

Did you say Pank? Pank? Pank. Yes. The lights turn down, 2-0-2. My show starts. I think it was kind of like Pank. Pank.

2-0-2, you got everybody in there fast. Yeah. Well. Doors at two? Doors at two. Okay. Shows at 202. Okay.

It was kind of a swing, 202 or 402. We got two shows after this, and we gotta clean up all these clothes every time. All the lights turn off, spotlight on the stage. Well, I don't even see anyone, not even a shoulder. Everyone turn around. My wife and-

I'm thinking a smoothie. Bye. Hello. Hollywood handbook. That was a hate gum podcast.