Hollywood Handbook - Jackie Johnson, Our Makeup Friend

Episode Date: August 12, 2019

The Boys give JACKIE JOHNSON from the podcast Natch Beaut a makeover challenge. This episode is sponsored by Squarespace (www.squarespace.com/THEBOYS code: THEBOYS) and Harry's (www.harrys.com/handbook)See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. We're blowing past. George Clinton, Bootsy Wazir, Bootsy Collins, and the Ohio players. And we're in battle. And it's funks versus punks. Oh, yes, you said. Yeah. You were telling me this. And so we're under heavy battalion fire. The punks are unloading their scab shooters on us.

And we are getting hit with scabs and we are getting infected if i may if i may certain parts of our body are becoming punk if i may that's not funky at all that's but it was the punks that are firing on us and for that to happen scabs are punk and for that to happen to you yeah that's not funky no it wasn't so and they also have their um patch cannons which are it's like iron on they fire iron on patches that cover your nose and mouth okay and so it's like an anarchy patch that is now like a surgical mask but it's but it's like now glued over your nose and mouth. Can you breathe?

You have to start breathing through your ears. And imagine how loud. How loud what? The sound of breathing through your ears. It's louder than you. For me, it's already pretty loud coming out of my mouth. Imagine that through my ears. So the sound of you breathing through your ears is loud in your ears to you.

The sound of me breathing through my mouth is already loud. This did not happen to me, as you can see. But I'm saying, imagine how loud it would be if I had to breathe through my ears instead of my mouth. Already loud. Well, I mean, I'm not going to imagine that because it didn't happen. That's what all hypothetical is.

No. That's what it is. Yes. Yes. I don't have to imagine that. You don't have to. No, I don't. Thank you.

Oh, thank you for permission to not imagine that. But to say that I'm not going to imagine it because it didn't happen. Okay. So anyway, we had to summon the funky worm. And he sort of wriggled out of the ground. And he chomped all the guys. Does he look like the guar? The guar worm?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, congratulations. Which is kind of like the union, you know, like ultimately that's funk and punk together is guar. Who was on the punk squad again? Sum 41. Derek, of course, is like on like a big scabby horse. MXPX.

No FX. Yeah. a big scabby horse uh mxpx uh no fx yeah afi don't wave at the dog ryan while i'm doing a show i just waved at the dog ryan can we talk about you waving at the dog i'm sorry i could not help it the dog doesn't know if you're waving is Choo Choo a boy or a girl Ryan please I'll save that for later Ryan now we have a guest this is the only part

where I get to do my own stuff we have a guest today Jackie Johnson welcome to Hollywood Handbook welcome to Hollywood Handbook is Choo Choo a boy or a girl

it's 2019 gender doesn't exist keep up okay Ryan is obsessed with gender sorry and I wanted Is it a boy or a girl? It's 2019. Gender doesn't exist. Keep up. Okay. Ryan is obsessed with gender. Sorry. And I wanted to hear that, Ryan. Why do we gender everything?

Why do we feel the need? He's gendering everything in the office. Why do we feel the need? Yeah, it's so disgusting. Penis is a boy. You know? It's just, you know what I mean? He wrote penis and vagina next to every name on the table.

Yeah. It really makes me sick to see Ryan come in here and gender every signature on the table. Well, it's because he's trying to draw a dick or something next to Chooch's name. That's right. It's because Chooch's name is on the table and it's the only one that's blank. That's why he's asking. I just wanted to say he or she is cute. Your dog is very cute.

I have decided to use female pronouns for chooch. But she can't really tell me any different. Yeah. So that's why I always answer with, I don't really know. Mm-hmm. I don't think dogs care. Because it's up to chooch. Dogs don't care.

But do they? I don't know. I don't think dogs care. Because it's up to chooch. Dogs don't care. But do they? I don't know. I don't know. I had a, so I was telling you guys there was a little kid at my house earlier this week, and he was looking at my dog, and he went, your dog's a boy, right? And I went, yeah, he's a boy. And he went, I wonder how you know that he's a boy. He's got a point.

Which made me think, like, yeah. He's got a point. he's a boy. He's got a point. Which made me think like, yeah. He's got a point. Well, he's got a point,

but he also may have wanted me to like clinically show him my dog's genitals. Or admit that you looked at your dog's penis. Yes. What I have to do

is that, yeah, I said, well, he has some boy parts, so we just kind of guessed, but I should have. He admitted it.

Yeah. I should have just ignored it or pretended not to hear because then what he knew was i was checking it out jackie yeah happy to have jackie jackie here you are uh and it's time for the show podcast podcast right right yes yes i love a podcast who knows better than you about Talk about your podcast. Say what your podcast is. My podcast is called Natch Beauty.

Yes. And it is a beauty podcast where we discuss what does beauty mean to you? What are your self-care rituals? What products do you like? What products do you not like? What are you curious about? Et cetera. Starburns.

Yes. Sklarboros have their own network now? They have a lot of pops. They have a lot of pops. Within Starburns? I'm hearing this. Is this correct? They have their own independent shingle. It's a wolf pop situation.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I have to just pull the curtain back. So I requested some sweetener. I requested Stevia. This is Splenda, which is not the same thing at all.

Your body reads this as sugar, and I specifically requested something that your body does not metabolize as sugar. It reads Stevia as grass. So get a clue, okay? Man, her body's better at reading

than Kevin. And Kevin said ow even when the sugar packets hit him on the outside. So imagine what would happen to Jackie's body if she put them inside. Think about that. I said I need stevia. I need the stevia. We only have Splenda. I'm sorry, sir. And I didn't want

to come empty-handed. They didn't call you sir. Okay. This story's falling apart immediately. I mean, I don't know. This place must not be in that good of a neighborhood because they should have Stevia on tap. All the coffee shops I frequent have

Stevia on tap. I was so sorry. All the coffee shops I frequent have Stevia on tap. I was shocked that they didn't. Kevin, this is not Hollywood goals. Honestly, it's not. I never thought I would say that to you. I know. I promised myself I'd go my whole life without telling you this. What you're doing now, what I'm seeing in the studio, where I have to do a podcast now, is not Hollywood goals.

My coffee has a special treat in it. What is that? It's not me. It's cinnamon. Cinnamon's anti-inflammatory. It's really good. And I'm feeling that. You're feeling flammed?

Well, I'm feeling anti-flammed. Yes, love that. Jackie! Jackie, you're here. You sewed the podcast. Yes. And now you're on our podcast. Tell us about our podcast.

Well, y'all are both celebrities, and you talk about Hollywood. That's what it says in the description for sure. That's what we actually started out thinking it would be. We want to do a little bit of the show that you do, the stuff you do on the show, we do it here. And then we say, that's interesting. Yeah. But can we make it fun?

Can we make it a game? Can we present you with an interesting challenge? I'm intrigued. Beauty challenge. Beauty challenge. Beauty challenge. Makeover challenge. David Pumpkins, go. I would love to makeover David Pumpkins.

How would you makeover David Pumpkins? I think I might bring in Tan France to update his wardrobe. Okay. Maybe do something new with the hair. Relax the curls a little bit. A little more tousled. Speaking of tan France and hair, this is just an interesting thing. This is a stolen theory of someone else's.

But I have a friend who firmly believes that tan France wears a hair piece. This friend does not have any hair. And is like, you know, I watch this guy on TV. Be yourself. Embrace yourself. Show your real self to the world. I'm like, this fucking dude's wearing a rug. So anyway, if that's true.

Is this person maybe famous for writing a book about baldness? Yes. Yes. My friend who was on the show once, Goldie, please do buy his book, So You're Going Bald, by Julius Sharp. He has talked about this with me, and now I'm always looking, going like, is he right? Have you Googled it? Because there's probably some images. There may be, yeah.

I mean, we were like, really? No one else suspected it? And then he was like, if you're bald, you know. How interesting. I really want to look now. You would straighten David Pumpkin's hair. I wouldn't straighten it. I wouldn't straighten it. I would just relax it a little bit. Well, you'd relax the curl.

Well, they're very tight, and so I think I would do more of a tousled, beachy, wavy look. More like L.A. Cool Girl. So what are we doing? You only have so much time. Yes, definitely a sea salt search. As you're going through the ride. So you have to get in.

So that's part of the challenge. I would definitely be able to do that in a short amount of time. If you have the right products. And you have to basically be, so pretty much you have to be, first you have to get in the SNL audience. You kind of have to know someone, especially to sit on the lower level and to be able to get up there right during the show the show is live yes your only access in the title is gonna be when they are shooting right so you have to get up there in a way that like people aren't seeing or is contributing to the comedy

of the show and by the way as you're as're getting in there, you've got to not get Karate Chop by Colin Jost. Yes. It's true. Who is working security at all times. He guards on the scenes he's not in. He only has update. He only has update. So for the rest of the show, the sketches, he's up there and he is locked and

loaded with a big chop. That even then when it's Che time, that's when the guys he just knocked out are like getting up again and he has to go punch up. I have an idea. I'm spitballing here.

What if instead of going the audience route, I get employed at SNL. So I'm already behind the scenes. The guards are down. We all know how easy it is. Now, are you thinking of spending the first few seasons as a featured player or do you want to go directly into the main cast and have your own credit sequence where you're doing something fun in new york and what would it be

um i think i would i think i would definitely um do a quick head turn when my or my earring dangles like so i turn and then like you see my my earring dangles. So I turn and then you see my earring move while I stand there. Location. And the earring's moving too much. I would hope not. It would be tasteful. You know me? It would be tasteful.

And I would definitely want Chooch involved. But you're also a comedian. That's true. That's true. That's true. So it might be funny if my earring's moving a comedian. That's true. That's true. That's true. So it might be funny if my earring's moving a lot. Have you heard about what my credit sequence intro would be? No, and I want to know.

It's Central Park. Yep. Set the scene. At night. Central Park, midnight. Okay, yep. No moon in the sky. Push in on the sexy duck.

The Mandarin duck. Wait a minute. That's no duck. It's a hat. I bust out of the water. I'm wearing the sexy duck. Yes, that is... I'm giving up.

I'm giving up all my dreams. There's no way I can even... So the dangly earring thing I think works too. I mean, if you had to pick a favorite, if you see all the cast members and one person's got an earring swinging and the other one is this sexy duck. It's a sexy duck.

Yeah. I'm at the Amtrak waiting area at Penn Station and I'm freaking out about how there's a pigeon inside. You're trying to get other people to be as concerned as you are they're acting like they're not noticing that there's a pigeon just walking around inside this building and you're you're kind of panicked yeah yeah shooing you shoo like physically yes i'm trying to sweep it away very quick vignettes right like literally they're like two seconds. Hayes has got, I think he got at least double time for his. My name's kind of long.

That's in the contract, right? I go by my middle name as well. You gotta. You gotta toss in the middle. Your middle name is... Four Horses. Ah, yes. Funny.

Yeah, I'm on freaking SNL snl yeah what do you think how do you think you get there see i wasn't even just go to harvard i wasn't even trying to get on the cast i was thinking more like janitor staff like something that i could maybe you know they'd acclimate me to the backstage area i'd be ready to go. And then just boom, right when the David S. Pumpkins, don't forget middle initial is S. Right when the sketch starts, I'm ready to go in there and do a moment. David S. Pumpkins.

Any questions? That is smart. Or should I try to get on SNL like I have been doing for the past 10 years At least as a writer Yeah Then you get to watch from the writer's room

That's right Beauty challenge The Spinks Think about the Spinks The Spinks? One of the biggest Legendary Spinks The biggest face

The mysterious Spphinx. You know, I'm going to be honest. I don't know. I'm confused. Are we referring to the Sphinx or the Sphinx? It has a P. Okay, got it. I'm on board now.

The Sphinx. Got it. I also have my slight list from my retaining. You're wearing your invisalign. Yes. The Spanx, got it. The Spanx. I also have my slight list from my retaining. It's because of it, yeah. My new braces. You're wearing your Invisalign. Yes, yes. That happened on this show. Can we edit out the sound of Jackie's teeth?

Yeah. Adjusting into place. Yeah. I already fired you. People are really into ASMR. It might help y'all's downloads, honestly. That's true. And Kevin's nodding like something

anything to help the downloads help the sphinx I think the sphinx could definitely use some moisture desert climate yes so I would say we definitely need to start with a sheet mask

which I did bring some for y'all oh great I get to wear this Yes, so I would say we definitely need to start with a sheet mask, which I did bring some for y'all. Oh, great. I get to wear this? Yes. Well, you don't have to, but... To apply the mask, are you going to need to answer the sphinx riddle? Most definitely. Most definitely there is a sphinx riddle that you're going to have to answer.

Mm-hmm. Mm. This is going to be good. Firm. And this is a masque. This is a flash masque. Spelled. And I gave y'all.

Now, is this when I open this? What is it going to be like? Is it going to be just goo? Well, is it going to be a, some kind of paper? It is.

Okay. It is a paper. I just don't want it to like, get all over you. You putting it is a paper. I just don't want it to like explode. Get all over you. You putting it on? Yeah. I would be careful because I don't want y'all getting the microphones wet.

We call that essence. Okay. That's what the mask has on it is essence. Mine's got peptides. Oh, and I'll be a soy boy. They're soy proteated. I gave y'all both a firming mask because we're all in our 30s here. Yes, it's falling off.

30s if I'm lucky. Every day I have to kind of slide it back on. Exactly. Now here is this square. What do I do with this? It is wet. How do I make it? That's the essence.

How do I make it something I even could put on my face? What is this paper? This other paper towel? I need a paper towel. Well, I just don't want you to get an essence on the mics. You unfold it, Hayes. Yes, you unfold it. Is there going to be a little hole for my nose?

And eyes and mouth. And I did bring y'all lip patches as well, which I would also give the Spanx. Would I wear them at the same time? You could. I always multi-layer. But lip would go first, huh? I would say last.

Oh, okay. I see the face hole. Yeah. The shocking visage. So basically y'all are living what I would be doing to the Sphinx. I would give the Sphinx a mask. So effectively I become the Sphinx. Exactly. Now you'll need a... Perhaps I'll learn its secrets. A contractor.

Yes. To get a mask. And Chooch smells the mask and is coming over like, this must be my caretaker. How do you feel? Oh, look, it even has a neck flap. So I put this over my neck part? Because, you know, we love a good neck moment on Ash Butte. I am wet. People neglect the neck, and the neck is very important. It can clock your age, you know We love a good neck Moment on Ash Butte I'm wet People neglect the neck And the neck is very important

It can clock your age You know Yeah Okay you look fantastic Neglect the neck Don't neglect the neck honey Okay here we go I didn't know y'all

Were getting a bonus neck flap But my neck is Kind of under my head In a way I'm supposed to be lying down No I think that's fine Well it's just hanging The neck flap just hangs Under my head in a way. I'm supposed to be lying down? No, I think that's fine. Well, it's just hanging. The neck flap just hangs under my chin.

Well, try to like wrap it and stick the sides to stick on the mask. Like bib. Yeah, like a bib. Like a face bib. But look, it has like perforated edges, so you could remove the neck flap if you didn't need it. And you could maybe put it somewhere else. I can save it. You could save it. You could could maybe put it somewhere else. I can save it. You could save it. You could save it for a

snack for later. Yeah, the neck flap's not working on either of your face shapes. I have to hold it. Yeah. But I do like the vibe. It's sort of like a little gobble. It is a whole ass mood. It is a whole ass mood.

The vibe is immediate. So let's talk a little bit about how long I should be wearing this mask. Okay. And the kind of things that I could do in public with the mask on. Yes. Well, in LA, I feel, I see people in masks going about their daily business. They're robbing you. Unclocked.

Sweetie, they're robbing you. You are being robbed by the town. Oh, sweetie, the town is getting you. The nuns from the town are getting you. I would be honored if somebody tried to hold me up with a face mask on. I would be like, I get it. You are out there, you know, TC being, and I hear you. This town is hard.

What can I help you with? You know? I would be honored. Well, and you honor me by admitting that. Now, you're the right person to ask this question. This is a question I've asked to many of our guests. Yeah. Would it shock you to know that I was once considered very beautiful?

It would not. Okay, that's the first time it has gotten a response even. Yeah. Great. Perfect. Because this is Natch Butte. Yes. I will also say your skin is really good.

I clocked it immediately when I walked in. Wow. And what's my skin type? That would be something that you would need to really um personally check in with about i can't i can't really see that you can't tell what's i would say dry to normal and i've been having breakouts lately which i am not okay with that is not something that normally happens with me okay so i've been going through like a transitional stage in my life a I think my body is very active. Is it maybe because

Kevin put Splenda near you? A hundred percent. I will be dealing with this later. Yes. So thanks for that. Earlier, Jackie made Kevin

look at her arm because he assumed that she might ingest sugar. Yes. So it was like, well,

then maybe you didn't see her arm. If you see the arm, you know, I don't fuck with artificial sweeteners. Yes. So it was like, well, then maybe you didn't see her arm. If you see the arm, you know I don't fuck with artificial sweeteners, okay? Or real sugar. I need stevia, which is from the earth. But do you eat fruits? From the earth.

Yeah, but that's not processed sugar so it's different. But that's real sugar. It's not processed. But it is sugar. Be a better you in 2024 with Babbel, the science-backed language learning app that actually works. Don't pay hundreds of dollars for private tutors or waste hours on apps that don't really help you speak the language.

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when you drop someone off after a nice date and they turn around at the door and they take their little index finger and they kind of like draw it towards them? They're pulling it. What does that mean? Does their finger hurt? I wonder if they spotted a spider web or something. They're trying to pull down the spider web. Yeah. But I've seen this too after a

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Hollywood Handbook. Now, I think we've probably gotten the Spinks mostly made over. Is there any... When I'm looking at the Spx, and I hope this isn't offensive to say, it's a little boring, that face. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. I hear you. Kind of all the same color.

That's what I'm saying. We could use some contrast, some contouring. Thank you, yes. Definitely a little blush. Airbrushing. Or a rouge, as we call it in the South. I would definitely do a lip on the Sphinx. You have to do a bold lip on the Sphinx.

A bold lip on the Sphinx, 100 to do a bold lip a bold lip on the sphinx 100 i'm thinking like something summery but also something that kind of serves the desert vibe so i'm thinking kind of like a terracotta like kind of a rusty red maybe metallic rusty red sphinx is missing its beginning hugely and gluing on. Emily Blunt. Tasteful, classic. Yes. I didn't even have to think about that.

I love celebrity noses. We could do a whole show on just celebrity noses. We can't. We don't have time, but it's possible. Here, never it's possible. We could not do that. Okay. Yeah, here, never. Okay. Thank you.

Thank you for setting me straight. Beauty challenge. Makeover challenge. Garfield. First of all, orange tabbies are my favorite cat. Uh-oh, here we go. We've stumbled onto one of your specialties. Yes.

So I feel like Garfield is so authentically himself part of me wants to say I would not touch a thing. I would just maybe get him a daily sunscreen. And Garfield probably wouldn't let you. That's true. Animal testing is not okay.

I would say get him a daily sunscreen. We all should have one. Sunscreen is okay. It's fine. Yeah, of course. Sunscreen on a cat is fine. Yeah, of course. Yeah, big globs of it. Yeah, just smear it right in. Get those ears.

Get the tail. So I would do a daily sunscreen and then get him a really good night cream. And I think he's set. I think he's already really living his best life. Night cream. Moonscreen. Moonscreen. Moonscreen? That's what night cream is.

Yes. We have the cream to protect you from the sun. Sunscreen. And now we need something to keep off some of the harmful energies of the moon. Yes. You're really on to something. Yep. If I were you,

I'd cut that out because you could totally go on Shark Tank with that shit. Like, I see a line of Haze products. I should cut that out.

Yes. You're right. You should cut it out. Because someone's going to make that cream. I wish he'd cut it out. Yeah. You put,

fucking guy. Makes me sick. P.S. These are flash masques. So they should be done now, huh? They're only supposed to be left on for five minutes. I don't want y'all having reactions on my watch. And this is why we bring the pros in. But you still need to do your hydrating lip gels, which I brought.

Are we going to be able to talk with those on? No. Here. There is a hole, though. Chef Kevin. Trash, please. Can you handle that? This is Splenda.

I cannot believe you brought me Splenda packets. What is this, 2002? Kevin. Put this on your lip. Oh, that's a good idea. Give it to them idea give it to them give it to Kevin and Ryan beauty challenge

Kevin and Ryan's ghastly lips you know that a guest here recently came in and said that Kevin is the most attractive person out of the three of us didn't that happen on stage on a live stage it's happened twice now to us yeah i love objectifying men because women have it happen to them so often it's so fun when we get

to like objectify men and like pick them apart oh so you like that that cycle continues oh yeah bring it on okay so i think you might have you need to take that other layer off, that white layer. Oh, wait, no, that's not it, honey. It's right here. It's the part that you tried to think was trash. This is Splendall over again. Kevin is... Oh, it's slimy. Yeah, it's supposed to be.

There you go. Okay. There you go. How do I look? He's like... You're instantly the most attractive man in the room. Yeah, that's happened before. Now I agree.

Now I get it. Oh, Ryan. There's even a little hole. Ryan does it very naturally. When Kevin does it, he's like simultaneously enjoying it too much and doing it wrong. I can't find the hole. Okay. No comment.

Not going near it. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Taking the high road on that one. Yes, we're leaving it alone. My condolences to your fiance. He teed it up and we did not take the bait. No, mine just ripped in half.

Well, you're talking. You're not supposed to talk yeah right you're supposed to take this moment for yourself and reflect upon your day in your life you know man my skin is juicy now that mask got me juicy i can tell from over here. You're looking very juiced. Man, I'm like the freaking Spinks over here. The Spinks would be so jealous, honestly. The Spinks wishes it had your juice. Well, I think I got

my money's worth. I freaking ripped in half. Is there a freaking echo in here? I actually had him Venmo me in the hall. So. You're not even allowed to Venmo her inside the studio.

She makes you go out in the hall to do it. I don't want to see you doing that. Beauty challenge. Greg Grunberg. I have to look up who that is. Okay. Fair enough. This is exactly why he needs a beauty challenge.

This right here. It sounds familiar, but I have a lot of people to keep up with. You know what I mean? He's friends with JJ. Oh, I like this guy. JJ's best friend. I like this guy. He was on Heroes.

You know, I was an extra on Heroes. Hey, tell me a little bit about that story time. Sounds like there's a story there. So I used to be. Let me put another pot of coffee on. Did you meet Hayden Panateria? I did. I did.

Sounds like a story brewing. That's a story. I used to be a professional background artist. Ah. And I worked the circuit, honey. Pretty much every TV show or movie that came out between 2007 and 2009, I'm in. Keep up, you know? I am in the season two opening scene of Heroes.

Oh, yes. And what are you doing? When Hayden Planetarium is going to school. She's, I think, starting at her new school, and she's looking around, and she's with her dad, and she's like, wow, all these girls look so grown up, and because I'm tall, they chose me and these other two girls to be the hot, mean girl vibe,

and we walked past her and gave her a look. And she's petite, so it was like, oh, she's intimidated because all these girls are tall. Did they mention she's a superhero? Did she save the world already? Nope, because in high school, it's an even playing field. You know what I mean? No one's impressed.

No one's impressed with that. You can feel insecure still even if you saved the cheerleader, saved the world. Exactly. If anything, that might make you the weird kid. So anyway, I'm really famous. I didn't want to bring it up, The cheerleader saved the world. Exactly. If anything, that might make you like the weird kid, you know? So anyway, I'm really famous. I didn't want to bring it up, but it kind of organically happened.

No, it naturally happened that we mentioned heroes, and then you have to tell your hero's story. So that was my hero's story. I only worked on it one day. I also worked on heroes. If you remember, Silas was always looking Silas Silas the Vilas was always looking at watches and stuff one of them was my watch

were you friends with like the prop department or something no they stole it was he wearing a face mask he had a face mask yeah but you know just to be that close to a production for a show that I love

Heroes I'm still watching that's so good it just held up I was involved with Heroes as well let's hear it here we go let me put on another pot of coffee do you remember one of the guys is Japanese do you remember what the main guy One of the guys is

Japanese Do you remember what the guy's name Hero And who do you think would come up With something like that Only the hazeman has the friggin Brains to put a guy named hero On heroes

That his name is what the show Is about I love the layers on Heroes. That his name is what the show is about. I love the layers. It is like Becker and Seinfeld. It's like Becker. Becker, he did it. Mom. Hayes was involved with that in the brainstorming period of like, well, if we're

going to call the show Mom, let's have her be the Mom. Yes. Very clever. Yes. Cheers. Cheers. Perfect example. Yes. Cheers. Cheers. Perfect example. Yes, exactly. When that guy would walk in and everyone would go, cheers. The titular character of Cheers.

The thing we need to remember about Becker whenever Becker comes up. Yes, we do have to mention this. Is, is of course the famous interview where the man who created becker was asked is becker you and he said no becker is you he's all of us well or the interviewer we never really figured that out it may have been the interviewer specifically who was Becker, but it seems to be that Becker, who was sort of lightly racist, is all of us. I don't recall watching that show.

He's grumpy, man. Is it Ted Danson? This doctor's pissed off. Yeah, it's Ted Danson. Okay, so I remember a little bit. I love a sitcom. Mm-hmm. I love a sitcom.

It's a situation comedy for those who don't realize. Oh, right. I'm sorry. I should have specified that. No, it's okay. I feel like your listeners are kind of in the know. I mean, slightly. I hope.

Yeah, they're at this point. Right. Yeah. They're in the know, not in the yes. Yeah, in the no brains department. Yeah. So are we going to talk about Greg Grunberg or no? Hopefully.

Yeah. You know, he's got a little rosacea on his cheeks in these photos, so he's a little red. Yeah. So I think he needs to do a toner. He's ruddy. Yeah, I think tone, he needs to just kind of even out the pH of his skin. So I would do a toner.

So he needs to become a basic bitch. Is that what you're saying? A basic bitch. I'm telling you, Hayes, again, if you put out a toner and you called it the basic bitch. Because you are trying to make it levels out your pH. You need to write all these down. I have to cut it out. You've got to cut it out.

You've got to cut that it out i would buy that because every time you'd open your cabinet it'd be so cute you know yeah you'd like lol to yourself imagine all the instagrams and it would make people think also that their skin is like too acid or something which is like obviously fake and like not real but then it would be something that they would would feel scared about and they would have to get facing bitch boo. And I love a good fear-mongering moment. Yes.

That's how to motivate sales. 100%. Yeah. Halitosis was created just to make people think they need to buy Listerine. Here at Earwolf, they want us to start saying that if you don't buy Stitcher Premium,

you will be killed in the night. That if you don't subscribe, that Premium, you will be killed in the night. That if you don't subscribe, that's what the copy said. Yeah. That you'll be killed in the night by basically like SEAL Team 7, who's like even SEAL Team 6 is scared of them because 789.

It's true. We all know that. It's true. So know that it's true so like that's what they wanted the copy to be I wasn't comfortable with it personally and then Kevin told me that if I didn't read it

that SEAL Team 7 would come after me now I'm not scared of that obviously because of my training I trained with Colin Jokes at the dojo at Harvard. But other people could be very nervous. And so all this is to say that fear-mongering, it's an excellent sales tactic. The ad is someone listening to an Eerios podcast,

and one of their headphones falls out, and they just hear, go, go, go. I've got a clean shot. Wait for my signal. It's disgusting, you know? But at the same time, they've got to move units of Stitcher Premium. I feel the pressures. I don't have to move units of Stitcher Premium. I feel the pressures. I don't have to make this connection at this point.

Can we think of someone who was not subscribed to Stitcher Premium? The Spanx. That's one. But someone who's recently in the news. Jeffrey Epstein. Jeffrey Epstein. Jeffrey Epstein, yeah.stein. Jeffrey Epstein. Yeah.

He was a luminary guy. He loved their podcast. He could afford it. He could afford it. He's part of the Illuminati. Yes. Yeah. Yeah.

So, you know, not saying that's what happened, but it's not not what happened. You were saying that halitosis is fake. Yes. Then why does Scooch have to go to the dentist? I love that you just called my dog Scooch. I love that. That's funny. I love that you just did that.

You know, she's had a lot of things. Her name butchered in many ways. I've had Cooch. People come up to me all the time. Oh, my God, she's had a lot of things. Her name butchered in many ways. I've had Cooch. People come up to me all the time. They're like, oh my God, it's Cooch. Yeah. And I'm like, yeah, I named my dog Cooch. You know?

But Scooch is a new one. That's new? And I love it, honestly. I had a fish named Scooch growing up. You know those little sucker fish that suck to the side of the tank? Oh, yeah, yeah. My mom named it Scoot.

Is that what they're called? Well, they would be called Oscars sometimes, but then they have a more formal name that's like Pluchiotomus or something. It's Pluchiotomus for sure. Pluchiotomus. I have one of those fishes. I got all that.

The fish would suck the doorknob off Holly weird. Yeah, it'd be in a freaking movie. Are y'all both fish folk? Boo. Wow, we're touching on sort of a sensitive area for me. Yeah, we used to have a shared aquarium. A sherry. A sherry? Yeah, I don'terry. How would that... A sherry?

Yeah, I don't know. How would that work? Would y'all drive the aquarium across? Yeah. It wouldn't. I guess it wouldn't work, ultimately. Yeah, it should have been. I got a family of Betta fish.

Yep. Which Sean... Betto fish? Betto fish. Betto O'Rourke? At the time, that was a funny thing I would say, yes. Got it. Sean, the idea of Beto fish was like threatening to Sean.

Gave Sean kind of like, he would be like, where's the fish? Just like pass my tank and be like. Whatever. That's funny, man. But he was like mad. You were mad. I wasn't. Okay, let's settle this. he was like mad. You were mad. I wasn't. Okay, let's settle this.

I wasn't mad. I was annoyed. Okay? I was a little annoyed that you would really lean into the fact that they were betta fish and you would say, hey, have I shown you guys my betta fish? Better than Sean. Which I'm like, not necessary. At once, it's funny.

Every time, Hayes. But it's once for each person. It's new for each person. That's what comics do. You repeat material when there's new audiences. It's a very common practice in comedy. I don't know if y'all know that. Yes. That's kind of a common thing.

I guess I don't. So Sean got what he called a Japanese fighting fish but was really like a big trout with boxing gloves on yes yeah then he put in the tank to fight my fish and it did just crush them and it just all it killed all the bettas it killed all the bettas and all the water spilled everywhere yeah and it killed all the bettas? It killed all the bettas and all the water spilled everywhere. Yeah. And it killed all the clown loaches. And I said, now who's the clown? Papa Loach.

So it didn't work. And really another part of it was Hayes refused to clean it. Well, you know, the scoochie fishes, they clean for you. That's their job. The plucky oxen. They're a working fish. Suck the doorknob off Hollywood. Yes.

Yeah, they're basically trying to. That's what I'm trying to do too every day. They're willing to suck the doorknob off Hollywood. This door's got a frigging latch on it. Totally different. When you show a fish this door, they go like, where do I suck? They don't know where to start.

It's really sad, man, what happened to some of these fish. Beauty challenge. The honeycomb monster. Grinch. The honeycomb Grinch? He is a type of Grinch. The honeycomb Grinch? He is a type of Grinch. Me want honeycomb now.

Search me want honeycomb. Me want honeycomb now. Okay. Hmm. I mean, I know like the honeycomb bee. That is different. That is a honey nut cheerio bee. Okay. Got it. I see him. Okay. He's really cute.

And seems like an individual. Well, you could turn into him if you crave honeycomb hard enough. Well, then I'll never turn into him if I'm being honest. As we've established, I'm not a fan of sugar. Stevia comb. Yes. Okay. He definitely could use a perm. And I think I would add some extensions because his hair, I get the vibe. It's like, I have wild hair. It's flowing, you know, but it's just a little scarce.

So David's pumpkins, we are relaxing. Yes. And the honeycomb Grinch, we are expanding the hair. Maybe we could call Tan France's hair guy and get him a piece made,

a hair system, right? Is what they call that? A hair system. The honeycomb Grinch with just a little shock of gray. Yes.

I think that would really serve him. A hair system. A honeycomb grandchildren. Just a little shock of gray. Yes. I think that would really serve him. I'm seeing some discoloration on the face, so I would take him to Sephora and color match him and just get him a tone that would maybe serve his undertones a little better because they are looking a little kind of purpley toned, and nobody wants that. No. We want to look warm and glowy.

Yes. For the summer. You know? We really don't want to be purpley. Or like going purple. Yeah. It's a blood flow issue. The skin.

Yes. Maybe lymphatic drainage. They call that. He may need some lymphatic drainage. Most definitely. And I'd love to get him just exercising more. You know, and that's a personal choice. Sure.

I think that's a personal choice for everyone. You know, everyone's on their own journey with that. It should be. I make that decision. Mandatory. I should be assigning people different exercises that they do. This is something we talk about a lot on the show. that they do.

This is something we talk about a lot on the show. I've been trying to get Chef Kevin to every time he enters the studio, whether it's to take a photo, whether it's to drop off coffee, he hits the floor for 16 inchworm pushups. Is that so much to ask, Chef Kevin? No, but I don't know what it is. so I keep just trying different things on the floor. That ain't an itchworm push-up.

Could you do one push-up? Maybe. Push-ups are hard. Dude, don't get me started, man. I hate them. They suck. Don't get me started. Let's talk about Beauty Challenge.

We got to wrap up soon. Okay. Okay. I'm ready. Throw it at me. Okay. Okay. I'm thinking of one.

While he does that do you have anything you have Stitcher Premium show I have Stitcher Premium content of course Oscar the Grouch perfect

Oscar the Grouch you know I would imagine because he lives in a trash can he probably could use he does a signature scent like a a Fragrance a scent, like a Fragrance.

A Fragrance. A Fragrance. Because nobody wants to smell. I think it's fair. I don't know. That might be close-minded of me. I think most people wouldn't want to smell a garbage smell. Okay.

I think that's safe to say. Most of us wouldn't enjoy the smell of rotting trash. We've come a long way in 2019 and there's been a lot of progress made in not judging people. We talked today about gender constructs and

objectifying men instead of women. All these things that are positive but we still think of garbage as stinky. And that has to change. You caught me. And that has to change. You caught me. You caught me.

I admit you're so right. I even kind of caught myself, but I kept going, you know, I felt insecure in the moment. Yes, you were aware of it. Yes. Look, obviously you're a stinky ally. I'm a total stinky ally.

I would declare myself a proud stinky ally, but you know, every once're a stinky ally. I'm a total stinky ally. I would declare myself a proud stinky ally. But every once in a while, allies do slip up. That's what being an ally is all about, is learning and listening. Yeah. But do you think he's grouchy because he's stinky and he doesn't want to be? This is something that I would ask him, you know?

This is the nature versus nurture thing, isn't it? Yes. Yes. Completely. Is he too proud to admit that that's what's going on? Because he would have you believe that he actually loves trash. And he sings a whole song about loving trash. Right.

But is that just... That's on the computer. He's being insecure, you know? Like, he's like, yeah, of song about loving trash. But is that just... That's on the computer. He's being insecure, you know? Like, he's like, yeah, of course I love trash. But really, he wants out. He wishes he could leave. Right. Because look at his hair.

He could definitely use a cream rinse. He could... I think everyone could agree. He could definitely use a cream rinse. Somebody cream this guy. I mean, you know what? Like, these are like crinkled up curls. Yeah, it really, it's a little, they look very clumped and stuck together.

That can't be comfortable. That can't be comfortable. No, that's right. It's probably, I mean, imagine trying to get a comb through there. You couldn't. You couldn't. You absolutely couldn't. You'd lose your comb.

You would, the comb would break off. Bye comb. See you later. Yeah, where did it go? I was ending the show. Bye. Hollywood Handbook. That was a HeadGum Podcast.