Hollywood Handbook - Jake and Amir, Our Close Friends

Episode Date: April 25, 2016

Sean and Hayes have to make one of the most difficult decisions in the history of the show: decide on what to order for lunch. Then, JAKE HURWITZ and AMIR BLUMENFELD arrive for an unedited episode to speak on their growing podcast network HeadGum and what we can expect to see from them in the future.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. So you could find me in the hookah lounge with Jewels, Santana, relaxing on the couch, reclining and puffing on... Strawberry swish? French vanilla. Oh! And we're going back and forth doing little designs with our smoke, and I do a bunny rabbit, and he does some kind of strange moth, and then...

I do Bible verses in cursive. That's so interesting. Yeah. I don't believe it. One letter at a time or just all? Where are you on that now? Well, I'm in an interesting spot. I don't want to interrupt your story.

No, I mean, like you're saying you don't believe it because you did believe in it last time we heard from you about it. I don't know that i believed in it but i believe that it had some value oh okay well i'm afraid that i remember you saying that it really did happen oh yes well okay i believe there was that man uh-huh mama there goes that man. He may be exaggerated. Mama, there goes that man is what I would say. And he may be exaggerated a little bit. Oh. Which is okay because it was in order to put a moral structure on our society. And without that, without people basically having a prism of fear through which to view every choice they make, I'm afraid that it would be complete anarchy.

Not everyone is naturally capable like a Sean or a Hayes or who's a guest we've had who really I think has a strong moral compass. Hal Rudnick. Rudn moral compass. Hal Rudnick. Rudnick. Or a Rudnick. Not everyone has that ability to sort of just innately understand right from wrong. And they kind of need to fear that some sort of overlord is going to bop them on the nose with a newspaper for eternity in hell if they don't, for instance, leave my shoe on the wall alone and not try to steal it. So, you've really reached a reasonable medium here.

Well, I think it should exist. I really think that religion is a good thing but only because people are so stupid and uh just simpletons and i in a way i'm sort of a demigod demigog demi what am i saying you are saying two different things. Demi Lugato. So I blew, just to close this out, I blew... Careful how you finish this one. Right, Code Man? Okay, I'll be careful. It's okay to laugh about this stuff.

I blew a smoke shape of a pretty woman, a beautiful woman. Dwayne Roberts? Yes, and she's sort of beckoning Jewels, and he's like, oh, where is this going to go? And he's kind of like, he's trying to whistle at her. And then I had it transform into a boy. Oh, no. So he found himself being gay for this book for just a brief moment.

Oh, that's a good lesson for him. And again, you know, just a good reason that maybe some of this Bible stuff is in place. So, hey. Welcome to Hollywood Handbook, an insider's guide to kicking butt and dropping names in the red carpet lineback hallways of this industry we call showbiz. And I like the new thing where you say, so, um, to sort of prompt me into my, I forget to say my beginning part. I don't know. I don't know what the fuck's going on. I'm still buzzed from last night.

Oh, really? Oh, gosh. I got such a heady buzz on, and I just couldn't shake it. I tell you, if I wasn't still buzzed, I think I'd just about fall over. And now... I have the same thing where... Not the same thing, but my blood sugar is, like, plummeting. You know what I mean?

Right. My blood pressure is plummeting. You can feel it going down? Oh, it's gone, baby, through the basement. No, my shit's not pumping. Do you want to eat something? I'm trying not to. Okay.

As a personal just challenge with myself. I think it might be a good idea. Well, did you eat before this? No, I haven't eaten, what's today? Saturday. Okay. Yeah, I haven't eaten since the 10th. Well, why don't we, do you want to get lunch?

Oh, yeah, I guess it's the 10th. I mean, I told myself I was going to do two weeks. Uh-huh. And we're right about on that line. And it's been 13 days. Yeah. If you count the 10th. Uh-huh.

So let's just get lunch. And that could get us into a place where we're feeling so energized and we do the real show. I would love to have the power of lunch in me. Cody, can we have the menus, please? Sure, let me just go grab that. Just get the book of menus.

Here's a computer. No, the book. The book. There's the big book of menus. With the laminated menus. The places we're allowed to order from according to scripts. Thank you. They've got to all be laminated because when I'm thinking about lunch food, I start to order from according to scripts. Thank you. Because they've got to all be laminated because when I'm thinking about lunch food,

I start to, liquid starts to spill out of my mouth. Yeah. Because I'm getting ready to break it all down. Okay. There you go. Okay. Okay. A lot of options around here.

What do I want? What do I want? I want something with a mushroom. And I am sweating all over these menus. Thank God they're laminated. You want something with a mushroom? I want something with a big mushroom. Cody, is there anything with lentils where they smish them all up and make sort of a mash?

Maybe at that Thai place. At the Thai place he thinks they smish up the lentils. Okay? Okay. Maybe at that Thai place. At the Thai place he thinks they smish up the lentils, okay? Okay. Because these should be divided by what kind of food it is. Yeah. Instead of just by an experience that you had there. I like to arrange it autobiographically.

Uh-huh. Yeah, and there's these little tabs on the side with, I guess, keywords to remind you of the experience that you had at these places. Yeah, the one that says, drink too much water. Yeah, it's always an issue. Don't stop. One just says pork buns, and that's not an item that's on the menu.

Is that what you were upset about, that they didn't have it? I think they had it, and then they ran out of it. So I just remember that happening. But the menu does not list it as a thing you can order. So you believed they were lying. They seemed to, yeah, they indicated to me through their body language that it was one that they had run out of. And you're huge on these micro expressions now. You feel that you can sense that and you're

frequently accusing people around the Earwolf office of hiding something or of displaying aggression toward you that no one else is sensing. Yeah. I've been researching a lot of, there's a lot of body language stuff on the internet and on the Ladd Bible. And I also saw you reading Joe Navarro's Read Em and Reap, 101 Poker Tells for the amateur player. He, I guess, was a former FBI profile, and he thinks that you can reap the rewards of an ability to read your opponent. And I guess I would caution you from feeling like an expert so soon after reading that book interesting for you also to become a body language expert for you well i don't know if this is a deliberate thing like something you're trying to put out into the world but as for you to be someone who's constantly licking his lips and itching himself

i don't i mean like maybe that's somewhat it could translate onto you whereas like you could have more control over right stuff that your body is up to i want to watch yourself because you do display all of the physical manifestations of a predator it's more for me to look out and I can I can assess you know my prey I mean people and stuff not really applying it to myself so much lately

oh okay okay one at a time so alright well let's just pick out one of these menus and is there anywhere where the bread is a wet

wet sandwich yeah cause sometimes cause I like the ones where you Where the bread is a wet, wet sandwich. Yeah, because sometimes, because I like the ones where you dip it in something, you know, you dip the sandwich, but I want it to be wet even before I dip it. I can't deal with the dipping. I don't trust myself. Because one thing is dry bread can be pretty dangerous for your throat. Yeah. I chipped my tooth once on that. So even more reason to just see if there's a wet bread anywhere in here.

You remember the Jim Carrey's tooth? Oh. You remember that? Oh, tell me more about it. That was real. Oh, gracious. Well. What else do we have to eat today?

Condolences. So, all right. Okay, so here's a question I have, and does this exist? Bacon tacos. Oh, that should be real. Would that just clean up? Oh, we should do a truck. Bacos.

Ooh. We should do a truck. Bacos. We got to get a truck going. I need someone to drive. And I need someone to make the food. Is there anywhere they cook with activated charcoal? Because that's in my body wash, and it just makes me feel great.

Yeah, you can get that at the pharmacy. At the pharmacy. Okay, and I'm looking through the menu, and then what's the key word next to pharmacy? Butt medicine. You do, huh? So this is where you pick No, butt medicine. You do, huh? So this is where you pick up your butt medicine that

Tom also, Tom Sharpling famously needs. No, yeah, he recommended that place to me too. Oh, wow. Oh, boy. So the thing I thought was a big mushroom in my head was like a gray steak. Mmm. Because it looked like a big mushroom. When I was picturing it for a second, my head was like a gray steak because it looked like a big much when i was picturing it for a second it did look like a big mushroom shark steak but now in my head i'm kind of

pushing on it and it feels like it is a gray steak shark steak remember who's that fucking shark steak who is that jeff bridges the dude. Are you going to Lebowski Fest this year? Oh, yes. I'm going to be. I'm hosting it. Oh, wow. Yeah. I'm going to be Tara Reid's character.

Oh, right. Wants to have sex. You're hosting it at your place this year? Yeah, I am. Huh. I'm going gonna be the marmot or whatever the turtle

you're gonna be turtle at the Bounty Fest this year? turtle again? you show up to all these fests as turtle and I don't think it's appropriate for a single one comic con you go as Turtle.

Again, I read about it in Lad Bible. It got a lot of the stuff that he wore in the show. Oh, you bought show-worn costumes, and you wore it to Comic-Con, and the nerds beat you up. Yeah, they always do that. What else is food? So, yeah, Let's just see. Well, I can't eat that.

What is it? The paper? Yeah. Yeah, I can see you struggling with it a little bit. Yeah. It is confusing because it says lunch on it. Well, and that's the downside of them laminating these menus.

Mm-hmm. It makes it much harder to be lunch. Mm-hmm. So it's really false advertising. And can we sue them and maybe get free lunch?

Ah. What if we put two restaurants together to make one lunch? Like two salads from two different places. Is there any salads with candy? Like maybe gummy grapefruit. Wouldn't that be nice on a salad?

In the salad? In a little bed of arugula. Cody, is there any salads with candy? Do you guys have any allergies? That's a good question. A salad? A little bit of arugula. Cody, is there any salads with candy? Do you guys have any allergies? That's a good question. Oh, wow. Well, so as always, I don't eat anything without rubbing it on my chest first.

So it really wouldn't be that big a deal. At worst, I get a chest rash. Yeah. But do you need the list again of things that have given me a rash on my chest? Please. Hot sauce. Sriracha. Uh-huh.

Jalapenos. Habaneros. All things I didn't know I was allergic to, but of course I rubbed them all over my chest Right, sure Yeah And after the first few They're all sort of part of the same family I thought at one point That I was allergic

To raspberries But it turns out It was just juice on my chest And it made sort of a jam. That's my jam. Turn it up. Remember at the club? Yes, yes.

Now, what else is food? I'm allergic to goop and flipping around. Oh, going on a Foutros blog? No, it's like a special kind of bread. Ah, yes. Oh, it's in all the breads. Can't have that. This keyword,

it says Papa Smurf next to this one. What could this be, Cody? That wasn't supposed to be in there. Cody, don't you sometimes have a little treat for yourself when you're doing a record? Because I feel like it's going to take so long to get it. It's going to take so long. We have to call.

It has to come over. We're too hungry to wait. So don't you sometimes bring a little treat in your pocket? Yeah, because I have animal brain problems, so I want to train myself. When I do a good, I give myself a little treat. Yes, and you put it on your nose, and you see how long you can hold it on your nose. Yep. Self-control.

Disciplines of muscle. Now. What do I got here? We could eat some of Cody's treats. Some blue masking tape. Oh! Mmm. Try that out.

Thank you. Oh. That looks good. It's actually blue raspberry. Oh, you look stronger. It's sort of a fruit by the foot. I thought it was going to be blue regular berry, but it was blue raspberry. I like that.

I'm not allergic to those. Do you have any other treat? Yeah, can I get a treat? Something for Sean. I can't eat that stuff. Sure, let me see. Oh, here we go. Styrofoam. Ah. Oh, sure. Let me see. Oh, here we go. Styrofoam.

Ah! Oh, good. Just a little more flavorful than rice cakes. Got him, bitch! It's actually very good. Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum. It's actually very good. Kind of almost like marshmallows, but not so damn sweet. Well, that was a nice lunch.

What a great lunch, and thanks, Cody, for being prepared. And I hope you didn't need that styrofoam to be the shape it was when you handed it to me. And we will, of course, be back with guests, and you're going to love listening to that part. So everybody keep doing what you're doing in terms of liking Hollywood Handbook. On Hollywood Handbook. On a Hollywood hair book. So I'm with, you know, all the baristas from Barista. And I'm there with the documentary film Barista. Oh, yeah. And I'm there with Adam Sachs and his children and his wife.

Uh-huh. And he is wearing a Scarborough Country t-shirt. Wow. So I'm like, take that off. You know? Yeah. People are trying to drink coffee here. They're not trying to spit out their coffee

from remembering a funny joke they heard on the show and laughing so hard. Well, that's exactly right. It's pretty dangerous. And they've got these brown butter blondies there that are just a delight, but they've got a little bit of salt. You choke on that, it goes up your nose.

Who knows? I mean, you're going to be living with that forever. So anyway, we get in this big argument, bit of a scuffle. Yeah, you're trying to take his shirt off. Yeah, I put him into an arm bar, Renzo Gracie style. And I suddenly realized, like, what are we fighting about? We both love podcasts. We both love having fun.

I lend him some of my 5'4 clothing just to cover up. And I am head to toe 5'4 today, just so you know. And, Code, when you get pictures for this episode, Engineer Cody, please do realize that my jeans, my shirt, my jacket, it's all 5'4. And if they gave me shoes and a watch, I'd do that too. I just love them, and I've come all the way around. So you made him wear the jeans as a shirt. I made him put on jeans over his Sklabo Country shirt, and I made him put on a jacket like a skirt.

Hey, speaking of podcasts. Right. Welcome to Hollywood Handbook, an insider's guide to kicking butt and dropping names in the red carpet linebacker hallways of this industry we call showbiz. What up, what up? We're always tapping into what's going on in the podcast universe. The business of podcasts. Sort of a secondary, tertiary thing for us, but we still like to know what's going on. It's just sort of a hobby.

That's a new wave of content. And I think it's interesting. And we like to be at the front of the next wave all the time. So we've got these guys here. Jake and Amir are here. Jake and Amir. If you've heard of them, I bet. Say hi, boys. Hey, guys.

Hey, thanks for having us. Not Jake and Amir. That would be two Jakes. What my uncle thinks my show is. Oh, he thinks it's you looking in the mirror? For a long time, my family was like, we can't find your show. It's Jake in the mirror. And it is somewhat masturbatory.

Yeah. Well, I have a separate show on YouPorn. I'm a cam boy. It's just Jake in the mirror. Oh, good. You're a little Thai cam boy. Yeah. It's very racist.

Yeah. So you guys have a podcast. Yeah, we do. And a whole network? Yeah. Hello. A channel of podcasts, basically. What's that about?

Well, we had a podcast for a while called If I Were You. It still exists. Still exists. We still have it. And then we decided, why don't we expand our one show into a channel, a network of shows? So we started HeadGum, which is a podcast network and it's filled with shows from our friends and family.

I had that one time. Friends and family or a podcast network? HeadGum. You had HeadGum? Yeah. You owned the domain name and you let it expire? No, I had a case of chewing gum,

sneezing, and it kind of jumps up into the sinus cavity. Just like I was afraid would happen to the people in the barista shop. Yes. You know, I mean, isn't it funny how connected our conversations are? We don't always realize. I guess. Yeah.

No, no guesswork involved, Amir. It's true. It's funny. And so, yeah, head gumum, we've all had it. Okay. We've all gotten it stuck in there, and we've all had to get a doctor. And that's what my foundation is. Head cold.

Head gum. To try and stop it from happening to me again. And I want to say quickly, just because normally we record our episode a few days ahead of time, we have time to go back and sort of edit it. We're not going to have that time. So we do need engineer Cody totally engaged today. You're on point code. And you say, once again, tip.

What? Hmm. He sounds like he's ready to go. And we'll edit that. So it sounds tight, but we're going to just stop down every so often. You won't hear this in the record, but Cody, so you know we're going to stop down and kind of talk about what we need edited out. I think from that beginning

maybe we have, Amir, you really get it when I, like, am talking about the barista stuff connecting to the head gum stuff. Oh, shoot, we'd be laughing over that a little bit. I mean, if you would crack up, that would actually feel... We could do wild laughter right now. Do we want to get a couple wild laughs? Yes. And we could just plug those in after Hayes says something or after I say something.

So this is Jake Hurwitz wild laugh take one. That feels good. And maybe do one where you're trying not to and it bursts out. Okay, this is Jake Hurwitz stifled wild laughter take one. Sorry. Do one that sounds fake. All right.

Ha ha ha. Great, great, great. He didn't slate the last one. Sorry, can I slate the last one? Can you slate the fake one? Jake Hurwitz, Wild Laughter, fake take one. So I nailed them all in one take. Okay.

Okay, and then Amir, if we could get a couple takes of Wild Laugh. Sure. Amir Blumenfeld, Wild Laughter, take one. That's funny. All right. Another option. Sort of snuck in a line there. Well, I would say something.

That's going to affect how we pay out. All right, all right. No lie, no lie, no lie, no lie. Amir Blumenfeld, Wild Laughter, take two. That's funny. Sorry. You can cut out. We'll get out before that's funny.

Yeah, if we could do an edit on two. Code, you can catch that? I let it breathe. It's funny. I need your date of birth, too, in the slate, please. Sure. Amir Blumenfeld, January 18th, Wild Laughter, take three. Did you say the year?

Oh, 83. That's funny. That one, if you do want to use the line, it's sort of embedded. He only has takes where you have the line. Sorry, sorry. Okay. Jesus Christ. Amir Blumenfeld, January 18th, 1983, Wild Laughter, take four.

That's funny. Oh, so you started with it. I honestly can't even tell that I'm saying it. If I'm saying it, I am giving it breathing room. Can we do one that's a little more surprise? Because where a lot of our comedy is gonna be coming from is an element of surprise yes and that really is what comedy I mean look who we're telling you guys now sure yeah and so it's like what wouldn't you expect to see sure where it's kind of pouncing on

you okay yeah Amir Blumenfeld again do I need to do the birthday every time yes you have okay Amir Blumenfeld January 18th 1983, 1983. Wild laughter, take one B. We'll call surprise laughter. Ready? Funny. Like, whoa. Oh, come on. You guys stepped all over that, too.

Did I? Oh, you're picking us up on that? I wanted to sort of cut it off. Yeah. Before it got too far into it. Super clean. Yeah, and maybe like a whoa. You know?

At the headroom. Oh, can I do the whoa? Oh, yeah. Maybe we could try Jake. Maybe Jake could go a mirror. Jake was really hitting the different times. So maybe try to do

what Jake does and Jake a whoa and I also would love to hear a what. If we could have, yes. Like you're so, like what? Like, you know. Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, okay. And do you want me to do it at the same time? Just try not to say that's funny over my line. We want it, yeah. Well, let's get this one clean. Just we'll get Jake clean and then we'll try one with both of you guys.

Okay. Do you want me on Jake's mic or you need two separate lines? I would like him to slate it at least. Jake Hurwitz, August 5th, 1985. Oh my gosh, that's one day after mine. All right. That's fun. All right, here we go.

Ready? Yep. That's funny. Sorry. Whoa, what? We can get that clean, right? Whoa, what? I like that.

I would sort of, yeah, I would like to get. You're getting their mics a series of whoa, what? Can you isolate each mic? Okay, because I don't want to kind of muffle that's funny while we're getting that good whoa, what. No, no, I feel like I'm talking right into my mic. I don't know if Jake's going to. The what feels like what would be coming off of a lot of what me and Hayes do.

What? Yeah, yeah. Kind of like that. The what feels like what would be coming off of a lot of what me and Hayes do. What? Yeah. Yeah. Like that. Yeah. So, yeah, I'd love to have one of those clean. Do we want to do one where you guys just both do just one for you, whatever you feel. A goofy take?

I can do a goofy take. Yeah, let's do a goofy one. We can improvise. Yeah, we use it. We don't improvise. Do we improvise? Do we improvise? No, we don't need any improv, but just do we improvise do we improvise no we don't need any improv

but just do kind of what we said but just for you guys got it as scripted but one silly take just what's on the page but make it crazy

we'll call it like a rainbow run or something oh cool okay that's really really really funny guys you're adding so many lines

I'm gonna do my whoa as Joey from Blossom alright whoa oh okay great in case you need that as sort of like a character thing guys. You're adding so many lines. I'm going to do my whoa as Joey from Blossom. Alright. Whoa. Oh, okay, great. In case you need that as sort of like a character thing that you can use that in many episodes. Younger than me, but his references are

older. We are trying to do more of that stuff, referencing 90 shows and pogs and like gags. We want to do essentially our own sound drops. Cool. Yes. To try to compete with this dough boy's culture. Maybe we should do like a Clarissa Explains It All Sam's Ladder own sound drop. Cool. Yes. I got to compete with this dough boys culture. Maybe we should do like a Clarissa explains it all.

Sam's ladder. Hey, Sam. Okay. What's that? Well, that's all I got. Oh,

you know what I'm talking about? Yeah. With a bear ladder says, Hey, Sam. Uh huh. Oh, it's a crazy show.

See, we don't know what this stuff, this is like all sort of after our time. How old are you guys? Boy, gosh, I hate to try to pin it down. Why are you still don't How old are you guys? Boy. Gosh, I hate to try to pin it down. Why are you still,

why are you stalling or something? Well, no, it's not that. No, it's not that. It's not stalling and it's not that we don't know. No, and it's not even us trying to come up with like a funny answer. I mean, if that's what you're thinking.

It certainly feels like that. No, but that's not what it is. It's not the wheels spinning. What is it? It's just shame. I'm just embarrassed. You can give me a range. I'm real.

Give me a range. It's hearing your guys' birthdays. Uh-huh. And then- That shook me up. Being sad. Mine has a lot of the same digits, but in a very different order. August 19th, 1958.

What is it? Is it 38? And I can't really pin it down because I did sort of move around a lot. Your age is something that you can definitely pin it. You moved around. I moved around a lot. Do you know what? Do you have a birth certificate?

The seasons, you know, the seasons here, they don't have any. Yeah, so it all breeds together. It's so hard to mark time. Well, if you know the date that you were born, we could figure everything else out. You could do the math from there? Yeah. Yeah, I know. Wouldn't that be easier?

It would be. Yeah. No, but we should just get back into just head gum. What did you guys want to say about it? You think it's going to kick Earwolf's butt, huh? Yeah. Is the goal to be friends with Earwolf or to be enemies with him? I mean, podcast is so new and rich and

fertile soil. I feel like we can all grow together. The success of Earwolf would only positively affect HeadGum and vice versa. And WolfCool. And WolfCool and WolfPop and Howl. I think to us it's like being a TV network in the early days. I would rather be one of a few rather than taking everybody down. You see yourselves as UPN? Yeah, I think we're a UPN. Or a WGN, a Superstation,

a TBS. What's a G... Can I mark a couple edits? Oh, great, yeah. The mention of Wolfpop, number one, is really going to bring everyone down if we could just not mention... The most failed venture that has

taken place. Wow, love that. Basically in the past decade. If we could not bring that up, it's going to bum out Aukerman. Oh, he listens to every episode. The birthday stuff? Do you want to edit out us asking you for that? He gives notes. The birthday stuff?

Yeah. Because you guys sort of dodged the question. Oh, I didn't feel that way. I mean, if that's how it reads, Cody, then do cut some of that out. But I thought we handled it pretty smooth. Can we have Cody saying his birthday after you ask? Like, kind of in my

voice. Oh, that's nice. So what's his birthday? Can we just get wild Cody's birthday? Yeah. Can you slate it? Cody, Scully, take one. Your birthday should be in the slate. Your birthday is in the slate, too. Yeah, it should be in the slate too.

It should be Cody's wild birthday. This is an alt because I screwed up that last slate. Alt slate, wild birthday, January 1st. We don't know who's wild birthday. Your birthday is January 1st. That's awesome. New Year's baby. No, it's not.

He always puts it in. He always takes it as January 1st of this present year. It's like if you ever have a prescription for your pets to pick up, then at the pharmacy you just leave January 1st this year because you usually don't know your pet's actual birthday. Cody's the same way. What I heard happen is Cody was sort of lazily trying to get through a pornography age barrier for a porn. Just did January 1st.

Then they sent him an email at his birthday. And that, in his mind, sort of became his actual birthday. When it's actually something hard to remember, like August 29th. I can neither confirm nor deny. Oh, does Amir know Cody's birthday? It just felt right, right?

Dude does his research. Did you have any other edits? Yeah, I thought maybe you could put in me saying something really funny just anywhere that it fits. So you don't know what edits are if you want them to add to something. If you drop in and do like a wild joke. I'll ADR after you guys leave. We have the studio for another hour. We do a lot of this.

We'll drop stuff in. Yeah, we'll drop stuff in. It's just me saying something funny. And Amir has been feeling a little aggressive toward me. So if you could get any audio, if you could piece together him saying something racially insensitive, just in case we need to use that. How could we?

Oh, like based on words that I've said, repurpose? If we could paste that together in case we need it. Easier if we could just get a wild one. This is insane, but all right. Jesus Christ. Amir Blumenfeld, wild, racially insensitive. Yeah, perfect. Yeah.

We had one of the Mexican guys cleaning our house today, or at least I think he's Mexican. Okay, right. So he can't tell the difference and that's useful. Like the subtle nuances between Latin American. Feels real. And we'll make it worse. Yeah, it feels real, which is better. And I haven't even said anything derogatory. I just said

something that happened. Right. So I'm not saying good or bad. It felt loaded. It felt loaded, right. Do you want it less or more than that? Do we want to bump it up more? Bump it up. Yeah. I feel like that's as high as I'm coming.

I'm showing you what the upper range is. I'm dipping the boom all the way in, and he's got to know when it's out. Okay. All right. That was sort of like laced with ignorance. Can we get one laced with vitriol? Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Like you think something negative about him, not just you don't understand his culture. Yeah. It's not that you don't understand. You get it. You know what you're saying. Honestly, Mexican guy cleaning your house is the premise, and what do you feel about that? And why does it bother you in some way?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I feel fine, but you want me to make up a reason why I would feel anger or something towards that? Just if we need it. This is to drug, and you're not, okay. What are the odds that you use it? Well, maybe even, we just if we need it. This is to drug and you're not, okay. What are the odds that you use it? Well, maybe even,

we probably won't need it. Yeah, but it's in case, but they might need it. This is insane, but okay. Jesus Christ. Amir Blumenfeld,

January 18th, 1983. I can't even fucking believe I'm being strong-armed into this, but the, can we get that? Yeah.

Flip that out? Thanks. Fuck this. All right. The Mexican guy who was cleaning my house today got shit. He ended up doing so much more damage than good. Not that that surprises me, because, you know... Oh, that's really good to leave it vague.

You know, that felt real to me. Are you good oh that's really good to leave it vague you know that felt real to me are you good with that? I don't even think of that in general as a stereotype of Mexican people that they will ruin your they're trying to clean it and you're like you fill in the blank like there's so many I feel bad even saying that much

and if we want to get do we want to get Jake implying that Amir thinks he stole something? Oh, this is, I mean, do we just want to get it? If we end up needing it,

just if we need it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So maybe like, I'll sort of like act like I know that. And this is to use, just sorry.

This is to use when in the, in the show, it's just as we're piecing together the show, which we have to do kind of immediately afterwards. We want to make sure we have a lot of options. Of course. You've been in the edit bay. I have been.

But this is such a U-turn for me. This is not normal for me. This isn't status quo. Okay. Yeah. To have racist options, I mean. Well, I mean, HeadGum's kind of a junior podcast operation. It comes from being in the business for a long time.

Okay. It's just when you've been around a while. I get it. And I feel comfortable. I'm happy to quell the racism. So I'll do Jake Hurwitz, August 5th, 1985. This is wild, sort of injecting some understanding. Oh, come on.

Hey, man, you lose stuff all the time. All right. All right. I'm just saying he didn't. All right. Let's move on. That's good. Yeah.

So then people won't put out any. It sort of sounds like I knew what he was getting at and I'm trying to like... Yeah, you're cutting him off at the pass a little bit. That feels good. I think we can move on. Yeah, let's move on

and just talk about... What are some of the shows you guys... What are the HeadGum shows you're so excited about? To do. So many funny shows on the network.

We're fans of High and Mighty I'm a huge fan of John Gabrus' show Gabrus who's an Earwolf alumni of sorts does a bunch of your podcasts here has a show on our network where every week he discusses something that he's passionate about so it could be something like

a television show like a Banshee for one or maybe just the Weezer Blue album. Or sometimes it's just talking about Judaism. Dan Klein and Kelly Hudson's new podcast that I think there's only been two episodes, but we just launched it. It's called Make Me Like It.

And the whole premise is they take something that they don't like, like milk or scary movies, and they talk to people who do like those things, and they try to convince them to like it. Analyze Fish. Yeah. And we don't like to joke about that.

So I'd actually like to propose an edit. The implied insult against Analyze Fish that these guys were doing, Cody, can we take that out? Absolutely. I don't think it was an insult. That is not going to... It's really low, man. It's not going to win you any plans.

Just with our listeners. Can I actually say, Cody, can you not use the... I'm really starting to feel uncomfortable about the Mexican stuff. And it's getting to the point where I can't even focus on what we're talking about because I'm going back and like, maybe I shouldn't have done that.

Well, that brings me back to an edit that I... Yeah, I don't think we're going to use that. Well, that brings me back to an edit that I, yeah, I don't think we're going to end up using it, but an edit that I wanted to suggest was, just, can we get something other than Mexican, just as an option? No. Yeah, if that is something that's making you uncomfortable,

we can explore. It's not, no. Because I know we don't always want to go after those guys. If it's honestly, if it's legit three against one, I will do it just because I don't want to like. And I don't even think you need a new like insult, because you could just insert any... Yeah, it could be any nationality, cleaning your house and stealing from you.

So just get a couple wild races and nationalities, and I think you could insert that in pretty easily. Yeah, that would help. Amir Blumenfeld, January 18th, 1983. January 18th 1983 wild nationalities for racial insensitivity line this is

I really feel uncomfortable doing this I just want that on the record we'll cut that Christ fuck Puerto Rican La Ocean Christ. Um, fuck. Puerto Rican. La Ocean.

Australian dude. Australian dudette. Polack. Or Polish. Whoa. Cut, cut. Whoa. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Can we,

can we actually cut, like, sorry, I shouldn't have, uh, Polishman. I think you got Polishman or Eastern European citizen

mmhmm okay you've got Polack right we got that clean it's in there this is fucking gotcha podcast you're listening guys

and then later if you've ever been if you've ever been caught with your pants down in the edit bay you know that you just want to have options can I be in the edit bay

just Mark we don't have to do this now while they're here to waste their time but I just want to carve out some time for be in the edit thing? Just Mark, we don't have to do this now while they're here. It's wizard time. But I just want to carve out some time for me to dress him down about the Polak thing. Oh, yeah. Just to like really read him the riot. I was saying we shouldn't even use the Polak thing.

I think that's a cool idea. Yeah. No, but if we do use it, we're really going to need a voice. But can you not use it? Hayes would be a great. Yeah. Yeah. My mom's entire family comes from Poland, so I'd hate for any of this stuff to get on record.

Hold on. We got to get his line clean, buddy. No, this could be for later. For now, I would sort of like to maybe have a wild Cornholio impression that I can use that these guys are laughing at. Is that okay? Okay, yeah, that's great. I can't do it. I'm not good at it.

Well, either you have a Cornholio in your bag. I might have something. I could try. But it's me. Yeah, this is me as you doing Cornholio. Maybe it's Cornhazio. Cornhazio. Cornhazio's great.

And then I'll do Jake's what laugh. That's great. Because we will need someone to do the what laugh. Because we're going to need someone to be cracking up. That's great. All right. Okay. I think I do a much better butthead than Beavis.

But it's not Beavis. It's Corn Hazio. All right. This is Jake Hurwitz, August 5th, 1985, Corn Hazio, wild line. I am Corn Hazio. I need tea before my bunghole. What? That's funny.

That's great. Oh, that was for me. That's going to play great. So, yeah, that really felt good. And I'm just realizing as we do these slates and we're saying our birth dates, is that going to get confusing because we're not saying today's date as well? I think it'll be okay, but we should switch it anyway. Okay.

Switch it or not. How about where you were born? Okay. Just throw that in there. Sure. What's the date today? It's the 25th. Okay. Switch it. Switch it or both. How about Where You Were Born? Okay. Just throw that in there. Sure. What's the date today? It's the 25th. Okay.

Yeah. So we just keep going? Yeah, let's just keep trucking through. What else you guys have going on? Yeah, you're doing a web series, huh? On Vimeo or something? Yeah, we have a new show on Vimeo On Demand, actually. Holy fuck.

Yeah. It's called Lonely and Horny. That's correct. Jake and I wrote it together. Jake directed it. Oh, cool. Yeah, he's more the technical side, despite being younger. For the College Humor web series,

we both did it all. And then in this new show, we sort of deviated, separated our tasks. So something was not working. Amir stars and I direct. Yeah, we sort of drifted in that direction. I think the thing that wasn't working

is that we couldn't just both be on camera the entire time again without somehow appropriating each other out. Or just like stealing the characters back from College Humor. We had to separate ourselves. Oh, it's like a rights back from College Humor. So we had to separate ourselves. Oh, it's like a rights issue. College Humor owns the Jake and Amir characters.

Yes. Okay. And now your names on the new show are Lonely and Horny? That's correct. I'm John Lonely. And he's Horny Michaels. Sorry, that was better. And so this is a quick edit. We're going to get in me saying Horny Adams. Oh, sorry. That was better. And so this is a quick edit.

We're going to get in me saying horny Adams. Oh, nice. That's good. So I'm John Lonely, and he's horny Adams. That's good. Can we get a couple more alts? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm John Lonely.

Could you slate yourself with your birthday or today's date and where you were born? Yeah, okay. So this is Sean Clements. This is wild Horny Adams. Well, alt to the horny. Yeah, we have the horny Adams one. I actually have a pitch for that, which is me as Corn Hazio being now Horn Hazio.

Okay. Which is like a horny version of Corn Hazio. So do you want to get yours first? Yeah, let's get mine out of the way first. And I can use Horn Hazio. Okay, you guys will just shout them out. Jake is going to have to be. Let's do three in a row

and then we'll do Horn Hazio. Okay, so I'm just going to give you three quick ones. Let me feed it to you. Okay, this is Sean Clements and it's April 25th. Sorry. Today's your birthday? Is today your birthday nah I don't know so let's just

dude that's a fucking I'm so sorry happy birthday nah fuck it it's stupid that's a huge deal nah it's dumb

how old are you turning today nah nah nah dude is it a big one I'm sorry I didn't know I honestly didn't know it's bullshit it's bullshit it's all bullshit

alright happy birthday by the way he thinks birthdays are fake oh please so this goes back to what we were saying before like the way he thinks birthdays are fake oh please so this goes back to what we were saying before like

he actually thinks that birthdays are not a real thing they're just invented by the Hallmark company okay alright I'm John Lonely

and you're feeding them to me or what yeah I'm gonna give you John Lonely and then you do the horny oh I thought you were feeding me the other

alts no no the alts are you it's all you oh okay yeah I play John Lonely and then you do the horny Oh I thought you were feeding me the other alts No no the alts are you Oh okay Yeah I play John Lonely We can cut this Dead air out right That way it looks like you're like super fast

At least just speed up the dead air So it's just like I guess it'll be at a higher pitch Like a chipmunk contemplating something Alright so you got one? Let's just do one, because it seems like three is too much for you right now. Yeah, that's going to be better, yeah.

All right, ready? Do you have one? Give us the thumb when you got one. Oh, yeah, I'm trying to think of anything that rhymes with horny. It doesn't even have to rhyme. It can just be anything. It feels like it would be better if it did, though.

Like Jake said, Rick Horny, that works. Yeah. But I think it's funny if the horny is the first name. Yeah. John Lonely and yeah, Horny Toad. John Lonely and then Horny. Horny Toad. That's fine.

That's fine. We'll probably use Horny Adam. So just totally as a, this is for safety. Ready? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm John Lonely. And he's Horny Toad. See, you got to say it more confidently than that.

You're soft pitching it. That didn't sound right. You're soft pitching it. that you're soft pitching it can you just adjust the levels can you make that can you blast that I play John Lonely you're getting softer why don't you come up with something you're confident in do you want to say Horny Adams again you're okay

that's his name right alright so let's go straight to Horn Hazio. The guy from Comedian Documentary? Yeah, we'll just get one quick Horn Hazio. Yeah, let's go to Horn Hazio. And then we'll be good to go. Jake Hurwitz, 1985, August 5th, New Haven, Connecticut. Today's April 25th, 2016.

Oh, holy shit. That's like where I'm from, too. Really? New Haven? Yeah. Awesome. Pistol waving. I am Horn Hazio.

That's pretty good. And then what? What do you need TP for? I need TP for my semen. No, come on. Horn Hazio. He doesn't need TP for his semen. He's horny.

He didn't just come. Well, maybe it's pre-ejaculate. Okay. Then say that. After you come, you're less. So just add it in, and this is just Sean Clements clarifying that horniness is before you come and not

after you come. It's April 25th, it's my birthday. And I have no ill will towards any nationality. Just if you guys need to use that as well. And we'll cut that. We can have it and say I have ill will towards Polacks. We have that now.

We've got that clean. We have the building blocks for that. We can cut that together. Mm-hmm. This is beyond fucked. So you guys were saying, so High and Mighty, and that one's just fucking anything, right? Yeah, it's whatever Sabris feels like.

That was actually 12 minutes ago. We were talking about Lonely and Horny since then. Oh, great. And so what's going on in that? You guys want to find babes? Hello. Can we relate? Well, hopefully so.

I mean, it's all about dating in today. So 2016, online dating. And it's online. Yeah. So did you read Aziz's book? Yeah, have you thought of doing it yourself, looking at a phone and your eyes are hearts? I was still telling you exactly what the show is about.

So I play Ruby. My name is Ruby Jade. Oh, Amir, there are so many dating sites now. One second. Farmers? No, no, no. And we get to that. And you get into it?

Well, not entirely. That's how rich you don't have to be lonely. So, the show takes place, me on dates, me in a class where I'm trying to teach, Jake's trying to teach me how to hook up with girls. You ever see the farmer's only commercial that dog's talking? He says, why are you dating a city girl?

No, I have not seen that one. Jake's teaching you how to hook up? Can we do one where Amir has seen it? Has seen it, yeah. Do you want me to feed him that line again? I don't think we should use that aside at all. Actually, maybe we could get a what, you know, like a what. Like he hasn't seen it. In reaction to, yeah.

I'll do it real quickly, but we should get back to talking about the show. Sure. No, and I think so too. Great. I have some notes. Oh, wow, that's a commercial? You didn't slate that. Yeah, what are you even talking about?

Yeah, what the fuck? This is Amir Blumenfeld, January 18th, 1983. I was born in Israel. Don't have to talk about it. Whatever. Moving on. Wow, that's a commercial? So the show is 10 supersized long episodes.

You can cut the second part out. Okay, but he's teaching you to hook up? Well, he's teaching a class, how to give these guys compliments. A hook-up class. Yes, okay. Teaching them the game-style class. And your parents had an arranged marriage. They do that in Israel?

No, they don't. What? Do they? Because it's weird how your parents had to get married, but they're still happy. But today, everyone's on these dating sites. Yes, on these sites, and there's so many options, and is that actually making it harder to find true love? Well, yeah.

That's the question that we try to answer. Yeah, and then the pickup artist class, what? So you're establishing Kino? Kino? Yeah, safe touching. Oh, no, I don't. I think the pickup artist class is- How do you make him demonstrate value?

Um, I guess we, we try to instill a confidence in, in the gentleman in the pickup class, but everybody in the pickup class. But he needs to know tricks. Yeah. He's got to know tricks. He's got to learn how to peacock, how to neg. Well, and then as the, the, the show itself goes goes on we start realizing that Jake as the teacher doesn't even believe the

words that he's teaching so there's some depth to that character the pick up class is sort of out of date and we try to subvert it and you guys are friends with BB-8 who? BB-8 aren't you friends with him? the Star Wars robot? yeah

wasn't he teaching you stuff in your old show? you mean Ben Schwartz were you listening to what we were saying? Robot? Yeah. Yeah. Oh? Wasn't he teaching you stuff in your old show? Ben, Ben? Oh, you mean Ben Schwartz. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. Were you listening to what we were saying? John has been kind of...

It sounds like you're... I've been seeing him getting excited to ask those questions. Yeah, you're holding a BB-8. And you've been squeezing it so tight. Well, you've got a list of questions, but I can see now it's just a drawing of BB-8. Mm-hmm. Yeah. No, that's my whole notebook.

Okay. I'm getting pretty good at the bottom. Uh-huh. Yeah, no, that's my whole notebook. I'm getting pretty good at the bottom. Yeah, the ball part. But the top ball is too big. It's got to be smaller. It's supposed to be smaller than the bottom. Thanks, Hayes. Monday morning quarterback much?

It is Monday morning. Yeah, well, can we jump in the edits to just say that it's not Monday morning? And do what? I just want to make people feel like it's actually Tuesday morning. Well, yeah, when does this podcast come out? Tuesday morning.

Yeah, it's supposed to be live. Right, that makes sense. All right, so it is Tuesday morning. Great. And probably one of everyone saying that's a good drawing that you did. Oh, I wouldn't mind that. I just know later I'm going to be the one that has to hear about it.

Right, right. When you guys are in the edit bay, you're going to want options. You want some positive options. That's actually not bad. See, I feel like that's even a little... A little patronizing. Yeah.

We don't necessarily need the actually. This is Hayes drawing approval, Wild, March 23rd, 19. Sorry, and where were you born? South Israel. Okay. Sort of the bad part. The Negev Desert? Uh-huh.

The bottom half of Israel is just an uninhabitable. I don't, again, we don't say that stuff on the show wow that looks like a real picture of BB-8 yeah it looks like it's photo real sorry were you no he's just reacting it sounds like you were complimenting it

for yourself well just whatever people come at me with, I try to meet their energy. A true PUA would know about that. Do you want me to say that it looks photoreal? Because all you did so far was basically say I could draw a better BB-8. You said that's actually not bad. You're an authority.

Yeah, if you could say that. That's actually photoreal. Wow, thank you. What? Okay, so we've got that Which part? How much of the actual podcast have we recorded so far in your guys'

professional estimation? In our opinion I think we've got four minutes Four minutes? And we're gonna lay in the rest afterwards. It's been 40-ish, right? Right 40 recording? Code, can you confirm that? We have lots of stuff stacked up from other shows.

We also, if you wanted to, because Amir, before he did a lot of his racial takes, he would say like, fuck this and stuff like that. Oh, yeah. And then he has like a whole litany, so you'd be like, fuck Laotians, fuck Hispanic, fuck Puerto Rican. You could layer all that. And we've got that coding?

Oh, that's good. Yeah, and you could separate what I just did. Take away. I mean, we'll just cut out. We probably won't use it, but yeah. Yeah, let's cut out what I just said, where I actually said the fuck the nationalities. Thanks, appreciate that, buddy.

And if there's room for not having me being so mean. There might not. There might not be room. We have enough without it, is what I'm saying. We have some stuff from our Eliza Schlesinger episode. Which one?

She went on a couple riffs. You know Eliza Schlesinger? She won last comic standing. She was on the show and she had a couple riffs that we have been looking for a place for. So we might use that in this one.

That'd be cool. Yeah. We'll be, instead of a lot of what you guys have been doing oh like instead of this part where we were promoting our show the show and stuff which I just don't think

people are going to connect to it's only on Vimeo On Demand you can go to Vimeo.com they end up cutting that out for like fuck Laotians or something like

yeah but to have her here with you guys will be good yeah that's awesome that's going to get a lot of eyeballs. That's a lot of heat, yeah.

She had an album called War Paint. That's cool. If she's on the same episode. Why are we talking about her? You're promoting her shit. We should get a wild congratulating Eliza on War Paint. What about, all right. That's cool.

Oh my God, it's so funny. I lost my shit. Thank you. Wait, no. Was that you saying thank you? We can use that actually. Just in case you guys want to like compliment our stuff. Okay, yeah.

Yeah, if that comes up. So if I were you, what's that idea? What's that? How'd you come up with that? Why did you just stop recording? Huh? I can see that the record button's off, man. I'm just shooting the shit, man.

If you want to record, I'll answer. We're interested. We can't just have a conversation with you about the stuff that you guys are up to. It's interesting. I want to get inside that noodle of yours and dig around. I mean, what is really going on if I were you? Yeah, it's a podcast. It's an advice show.

Yeah. Funny advice or normal advice? It sort of toes the line between the two. So we try to get some genuine advice, but we try to be funny too. Some of it's fucked up, huh? What? Sometimes. Seems like.

Yeah. What do you mean? Just could get pretty dark. How so? I'm just suggesting it. I think that's good. Yeah. Do we have, like, where are we at, Cody?

Like 40. Okay. Okay. Isn't that how long ago? I got confused. Because Amir said 40 a couple minutes ago yeah and so for it to be 40 now

and also then would be impossible we're all estimating yeah are you feeling good Haze? I feel great yeah anything else you wanted to

get after? do we want to just get some wild compliments? what? just on our appearance and stuff us to you us to you Do we want to just get some wild compliments? What? Just on our appearance and stuff? Us to you. Us to you? Yeah, I mean.

That's a nice idea. How about wild us talking about the shit we get here to promote? Well. I'm sorry, it's their show. I'm happy to. Jake Hurwitz, August 5th, 1985. Oh my God. New Haven, Connecticut, April 25th, 2016.

I think you have a really nice mustache. Oh, thanks. Yeah. It's for a role. I dig how you're letting the sides come in a little bit, too. Yeah, that makes me more comfortable. That's not for the role. Got it.

So, like, when you're on camera, you're shaving the sides. I got to clean that. Cool. Well, I dig it. I think it looks really nice. Yeah. Do we have anything to plug? Do you want us to do?

Oh, sorry. I thought there was another host of the show. I was going to let him hear. Do you want to talk about the show? No, I was going to say compliment. To compliment? Well, just compliment me.

Mine's going to feel fucked up. No, it's got to be. See, it seems like you were thinking of what you were going to say next instead of listening to what Jake was doing, which is giving Sean a nice compliment. There's listening and then there's waiting for your turn to talk. All right.

Okay. Sorry, guys. You know which one you were doing? I'm guessing it's the one that wasn't good. Not the listening one. Okay. So good. Good guess.

Yeah. Go ahead. Go ahead what, dude? Hit compliment. the listening one. Okay. So good. Good guess. Yeah. Yeah. Go ahead. Go ahead what, dude? Hey, a compliment. Dude, he has a compliment. Amir Blumenfeld in complete shock January 18th, 1983.

I'm floored by this, by the way. This is insane. What element of my appearance are you floored by? You can't just say I'm floored by this. That wasn way. This is insane. What element of my appearance are you floored by? You can't just say I'm floored by this. That wasn't, yeah. It wasn't a compliment.

What is flooring you? Cool socks, dude. It's not really like, I just feel like it should be something physical about him. I mean, to me, can I say what this feels like? He's avoiding saying some of the things that he really thinks when he sees you. Because it

makes him a little uncomfortable. That's what I think is happening too. We got three, four pretty secure guys and they all are comfortable. I'm openly gay. It has nothing to do with that. I don't care about that, man.

So what were you talking about with the comfortable and your sexuality thing? I didn't say sexuality. Why is the gay thing such a big deal for us? Not a huge thing at all. Can we all just be guys? No, yeah, man. I think so, too. You got to label everything.

No labels. No labels. But we were saying you were scared of some of what you were actually liking about Hayes. It's not about being gay or straight. I'm sorry. scared of some of what you were actually liking about Hayes. It's not about being gay or straight. I paid him the compliment, which you guys asked me to do three times at this point. It's just a weird thing to get horny about.

I wasn't. It sucks. I was not horny about that. Is there anything you want to edit out? From that? Honestly, I don't see any of this conversation being usable in any way

obviously it's not my show so you guys tell me bye Hollywood Handbook is brought to you by Wolf Cool Productions a subsidiary of Calvin and Hobbes

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