Hollywood Handbook - Jameela Jamil, Our Close Friend

Episode Date: October 22, 2018

The Boys and JAMEELA JAMIL from The Good Place fix the TV rankings.This episode is sponsored by Audible ( www.audible.com/THEBOYS  or text THEBOYS to 500500) and Robinhood ( www.Handbook.robinhood.com ).See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. So it's me and Barbara Corcoran and Stan Musial. Yeah. And we're judging the big charity chili cook-off. We're just the three, we're tasting it. And it's for raised money for the new fire pole at the station. Stan Musial, the original Stan. Yes.

And that's where it comes from. Yes, well, when people say, yes, like, I stan for Paul Ryan. What they mean is, I stan Musial for him because he was actually... He was such a huge fan. He was such a huge fan that he rushed the field and then wound up actually being very good at playing the sport. Tried to kiss Babe Ruth. The hope of all the stands.

Yeah. He was also the kissing bandit. More Stana. More Stana the kissing bandit. So we're judging, and of course Stan, you know, has been dead for a long time. Yeah. So he's not weighing in a ton. Is the chili helping?

It is making him move around, but I think just because it's so hot. Yeah. him move around, but I think just because it's so hot that involuntarily just the bones are just reacting to the heat. It might have jumping beans in it as well.

Yeah, and we obviously had said that was illegal at the top, but you know these chili cook-offs. Oh, yeah. Not exactly known for people playing by the rules. Let me get this mic on Bosh a little bit more. Sorry, because I can only barely hear him. Yeah. Bosh is crunchy and, of course, a pumpkin-filled bone for the Halloween season.

Yeah. So, and then Barbara can't taste anything. No. So it's really on me to decide. Okay. Who wins? The, huh? Who wins the game?

The jelly contest? Yes. Yeah, who wins? Yeah. No, that's what I was thinking. Hey, welcome to Hollywood Handbook, an insider's guide to kicking butt and dropping names in the red carpet lineback hallways of this industry we call showbiz. What up, what up?

We have a big excitement happening today. We do, we do. A couple things going on. It is another Engineer Devin episode. Yes. This is something, again, as we heard at the beginning, Bosch was very quiet. That was an engineering issue.

We do want to get the levels on Bosch right while he's eating his seasonal bone. It's fun for everyone at home to be able to imagine that they're in here, that they're friends with us, friends with our guests, and that they're getting to see Bosh eat a seasonal pumpkin-filled Halloween boat. Right. Painting an audio picture. Yeah.

Sure. I guess. And we also have this really big excitement happening today, which is a cool, exciting guest who is famous. Come on. Hey, come on. She's like looking behind her. I hate when people don't value themselves.

But really, she does. We're trained to not value ourselves. It's in our blood. I'm English and Asian, the combination of which means I'm not even at ground level, I'm below the ground. Thank you for bringing up Asians.

This is a great segue. Engineer Devin has been refusing to see the film Crazy Rich Asians. We don't know why. We don't know why. We don't know what the philosophy behind it is. Some kind of political thing, though. Obviously, at this point.

We do want to check in. Devin, have you seen the film yet? I have not, no. Oh my God. Have you seen the trailer? I haven't seen the trailer. He still hasn't seen the trailer. Neither have I.

Well, you are a Crazy Rich Asian. Yes. Yes, so then it's like you have seen it. You see it seen the trailer. He still hasn't seen the trailer. Neither have I. No. Well, you are a crazy rich Asian. Yes. So then it's like you have seen it. You see the mirror. You wake up and look in the mirror. Basically a documentary about me. Yeah. So that, to me, is not as scandalous as Devin could, let's face it,

use some exposure to some other cultures. Sure. He's from Wisconsin. Did you see Black Panther? Yeah, of course. Okay, fine. That was great. Okay, so we know it's race specific. Extrem of course. Okay, fine. That was great. Okay, so

it's race specific. Extremely specific. It's not an Aryan thing. Not that you're blonde or blue-eyed. Yeah, not so much. It's not that. I saw Black Klansman yesterday on my day off. Okay, so again. It's just Asians, really. It's really just Asians

and we hopefully can work through that today. What a unique opportunity with Jamila here. To basically see Crazy Rich Asian. Mm-hmm. Sure. Great. On this show. Yeah, you don't need to see the film now.

Awesome. I'm here. Oh, that's great. Jamila is here, of course, to celebrate sort of going on a victory lap for The Good Place Getting number one on the TV Guide, Best TV shows on the TV list. Can you give me a round of applause, please? Oh, my God. That's really cool.

And engineer Devin's doing the funny thing where he does his hands in a circle while he's clapping, which we all like that. Funny round of applause joke. And I taught him that joke and I'm happy that he was able to do it today. So to make the list, you really only had to be on TV.

They have a hundred shows, but to get number one on the list, well, you had to be the best. And it is kind of the most prestigious list in a way because they have to know every show that's on TV. Some of these lists, I see they do the list and I'm sort of like, well, did you even know about this show that I work on? Right.

Were you even aware of this? And there's no evidence that they are. When I read a list from a publication like Variety. All I know is they're looking at a variety of things. They may not even always be checking out TV. But when I look at TV Guide, I go, well, they know every single show that exists, including the one that I worked on most recently

and the three before that that they wanted to keep a secret. Thank you for asking. Because we sort of know some people involved in the selection process. And the last show that Sean worked on was Ghosted. Yes. Which I...

Is that the name of the show or were you ghosted from the list? From culture. It's both. Eventually. Yes, America ghosted from the list. From culture. It's both. Eventually. Yes, America ghosted us as we were being the show ghosted. Of course you love the show, your friend. Never heard of the show. Never heard of it.

Okay, well. I'm here for charity. Explain that. Can you speak on that, please? I was asked to come here today to try and give you a boost. To try to just meet personally my self-esteem? Yeah. Okay, well, that's really nice. Try and put you back near the map.

So you're here to give me a boost. You're trying to put me near the map. And then when I mentioned my show, you said you'd never heard of it. Okay, because I'm not a wizard, but I can get you near the map. In the neighborhood of the map. The map is a dot to you. Do you know what I mean? Seeing the map would be huge.

Just that I'm aware of the map now, I feel like I have a new sense of purpose. That's a big boost. My ex-roommate had a little dog, and this dog had no other dogs to play with, but she was a very busy woman. She's a successful woman, so she'd leave the dog at home. But our apartment was directly opposite a dog park where the dog could watch the other dogs fucking and playing and fighting and having a great time. Right.

And this dog would try and chime in from the window. It would hear the conversation to try and chime in. Right. But would then just sit there sort of furiously masturbating all day, found a way to take both front paws and just sort of push his penis between them and would masturbate until he'd throw up.

And that's you. To be in that position would be huge. If I could get a clear angle on, you know, the metaphorical dog park of the television landscape and I could see it, I would finally have something to be masturbating at. Right now. As opposed to right now when I do it, I'm just like, why am I even doing this?

He's wanking it in a bit. There's nothing to think about. You're in a version of crate training right now. That's right. And, of course, it makes me feel safe to be crate trained, to go, this is my space. I feel safe to be crate trained, to go, this is my space. And it's helped me be a little more secure. But at some point, I do have to be exposed to some of the world.

So this is great. So anyway, yeah, Ghosted, you never heard of it. But... Say it again? Huh? What was it called again? Ghosted? Oh, no, never heard of it. Okay.

All right. Well, thank you for checking in. Yeah. Patrick Swayze? Oh, oh, no. Big hit? Yeah. No, not a big hit.

Not Patrick Swayze. It starred Adam Scott and Craig Robinson. Sure. Oh, she hasn't heard of them either. Wow. Okay. No, I've heard of Adam Scott. He's in our show.

He's a big, successful actor. Oh, he's in Good Place now? Adam Scott? He's been on it, yeah. Oh, that's cool. Yeah, yeah. He's a demon. Oh, okay.

Maybe someday you could come on our show. I doubt it. Look, that's really nice of you to say. I remember when they were making season one, I got an email from my agent

that said, hey, there's a role on Good Place that they want to see you for. It's really small. It's only a couple of lines. Is it to play a Pakistani woman

called Tahani? I wish. Okay. He said, it's really small. It's only a few lines. I don't want to burn you for this show on this. I think we should wait for something bigger to come along. And I'm waiting to

this day to hear anything about it again. I'll have a word. I think at the time, I had enough heat that they would have looked at me for a one-line role. That, of course, was before Ghosted. In a post-Ghosted world, I'm not sure I would be allowed, even on the lot, in a security guard capacity.

So that's neither here nor there. You got the number one show out of all of them. Let's talk a little about the order. Yeah, we'll talk about the order and if we're being nice, we know what you want to do is come on here and sort of reach down to these lower shows.

Just sort of slum with the scum. Yes, and say, hey, let me get some of that off of you. Basically go down there with some like turpentine and a rag. Sort of giving out sandwiches of hope. Yes. Out of a basket of humility.

Thank you to these other shows. And then they can be rich, successful, like Good Place. And the goal maybe is next year, maybe everyone is number one. Well, calm down. Well, wouldn't that be just a perfect goal? We're not going to be able to necessarily. Yeah. Every show is number one.

Yeah, I'm not a miracle worker. Okay. Well, we don't have to start with Atlanta because we already did that. In one of our recent episodes, someone came on from Atlanta and we did fix that show. We fixed it up. It's now called Carmel. It's Carmel by the Sea. Clint Eastwood's the mayor.

Yes. It stars Richard Jewell. It's more focused on catching Richard Jewell. Yes. Given that he actually did commit those crimes. Mm-hmm. Yeah, the famous torch from the Olympics. Is he the torch?

Mascot has also moved to Carmel. Uh-huh. And Max Greenfield is there. And they all work at a ta to Carmel. And Max Greenfield is there. And Max Greenfield and Beth Behrs are there. Yes. So that is kind of solved, and they're probably nipping at the good place's heels already. Yes.

Number three is better call Saul. Do you agree with that? Do you agree that it's A, worse than your show, and worse than Atlanta, and better than the next show, and every other show? I'm fine with that. You're okay with that ranking?

Yeah, yeah. Okay. You think it's better than One Day at a Time, you think it's better than Killing Eve, but you think it's worse than Atlanta. I haven't seen the most recent season of Better Call Saul, but I will say that Killing Eve, but you think it's worse than Atlanta. I haven't seen the most recent season of Better Call Saul, but I will say that Killing Eve should be higher up. Not as high as The Good Place, obviously, because I'm not a maniac.

Okay. Okay. So maybe that should be number, you're saying that should be number three. I think that should be number three after Atlanta. Okay. Yeah. Let's talk about. Have you seen Killing Eve?

Yes. I've seen it. You could learn some stuff. I've definitely seen it. What would I learn? Because you're saying that to me that it's something specific you want me to learn. So tell me, because I watched it

and I didn't learn anything. One thing I love about it is the series features O as a twisted and hilarious MI5 agent and J.D. Comer as the even more twisted and hilarious contract killer that she's hunting down. Comer as the even more twisted and hilarious contract killer that she's hunting down. So that's one aspect of it that I sort of took home

as I was watching the show. I kind of, I lost it for a little while. You know how you put something down and then you just forget like where did that even, especially when you have a big house. Some rooms you don't go in for a really long time.

And so that's what sort of happened to me with this knowledge. Whose house were you in? Okay. No, that's fair. It is. Everything she said has been fair. But what did you want me to learn from the show? Because I know the show.

I mean, look, the dynamic between these two women spurs scenes that begin with violent outbursts and end with the two women sharing dinner together. Have you done that in your show? No, I don't have a show. Okay. I was near a show. Near a show. That could have been good though for these for these guys yeah to be having more of a cat and mouse thing with some of these ghosts what i remember from the show and i didn't see a lot of episodes but but they were mostly blasting these

ghosts it wasn't as much of a cat and mouse game yeah it's true um or wait no it's not so much of a cat and mouse game. Yeah, it's true. Or wait, no, it's not. It's not true. It was? I think that they were trying to find and catch the ghost for the most part. I don't think there was a lot of blasting. But not like having dinner. You're thinking about ghost blasters. Yes.

Okay, I'm sorry. So, all right. So, The Good Place is ahead of Killing Eve. So, it goes Good Place, Atlanta, Killing Eve. Game of Thrones. Speak on that. Yeah. What can we do to help us?

How can we fix this thing? Oh, my God. Yuck. First of all, do you agree with that? I'm fine with that. Okay. Done with Game of Thrones. I've never seen it.

Stranger Things. I was done with it from beforehand. I just can't Thrones. I've never seen it. Stranger Things. I was done with it from beforehand. I just can't. I don't want a realm. Not into realms. Don't like dragons. Fewer realms. Don't hate tits. Neutral. Yeah, neutral. Neutral to tits. It wasn't enough to draw me in. Okay, so maybe what can we be doing? There wasn't enough of them or that

wasn't enough? That wasn't enough. I think we can all agree that there were plenty of tits. Yeah. It was a buffet. Yeah. So what can we be doing to maybe get you, A, to watch the show? Yeah. Which we know is one.

Put Ted Danson in it. Ted Danson is the missing piece. Ingredient for all of these shows. That's what they don't understand. Okay. Yeah, he's 70, but he's got it in him. He can be in all these shows. Give them a boost boost he could be like a freaking uh rapper in atlanta okay that well now he's in carmel that that could be pretty easy he could play clint eastwood sure

that would be huge for him ted's a friend obviously we shared an orange once on the set of a show okay what, what show? Sweet Guy. Yeah. Oh, um... You're talking about the orange? What? The orange? The orange was a sweet guy. Yeah. Was it a sweetie? Was it a halo? Yeah, some of them are. Some of them can be pretty sour. Very tart.

Oh, yeah. Very tart. Can you expand on that? Yeah, talk about the taste of fruit. The tartness of the orange? Or any other fruit stuff. Yeah. No? Okay, fair enough. And that's probably the right answer.

What show was I on with Ted? You know what? Let's just see if it's on the list. It's got to be on there somewhere. What are you in with Ted? We did a little thing on this. Is it like Fargo? No.

Was Ted in Fargo? It's called Curve. He's really having a moment, isn't he? Ted is in season two of Fargo. Oh, okay. Wow. He is the moment. He's not having the moment.

He's taken the moment. The moment is now him. And he's in a commercial. Mm-hmm. For Smirnoff. I thought Chris Rock was playing every role on this season of Fargo. That's what I read. Yeah, the next coming up one.

That's season four. That one. And then, oh, and Ted's in the one before. Good for Ted. I think actually we talked about it when we were on this show together. Hayes, I'm not seeing the show I was on with Ted on this list. I don't see it either, and I do see Fargo, which means that they do know about other Ted Danson shows.

Hmm. So the show, you probably haven't heard of it because it's not on the list. It's called Curb Your Enthusiasm, and it is, according to this list, below Southern Charm, 13 Reasons Why, Ryan Hansen Solved Crimes on Television, Grant Chester, The Magicians, WWE Monday Night Raw, Cobra Kai, why ryan hansen solved crimes on television god grant chester the magicians wwe monday night raw cobra kai the gifted eye zombie the voice the end of the fucking world creature my next guest

needs no introduction and chicago fire but i don't want to criticize the list because clearly they've made the right decision oh yeah the good place number one but some there's been an error cobia enthusiasm should be way higher. You think that's better than Chicago Fire? Yes, I do. You know what? I'm going to put myself out there. On a network. I know. Look, I'm going to put myself out there and I'm going to say... We never do this.

Do not do this. I'm sorry. I have to save you from you right now. I want you to be able to say whatever you want, except what you're about to say. Which is that you think the show Curb Your Enthusiasm is a better show than Chicago Fire. Please don't do this. On your, this is a show on your network.

I don't give a fuck. No. I don't give a fuck. People listen. People listen to this. People listen to this show. He's a genius. Bob listens.

Bob. You know what genius. Bob listens. Bob. You know what you did, Bob. Wow. Whoa, breaking news. Oh, okay. So you have something on Bob. I'm crazy, guys. I'm crazy.

Well, that's what we're finding out. Yeah. Fuck you up. Game of Thrones, we were deciding how to make that a good show. We were going to put Ted on it. Ted's going to be on Game of Thrones. He has to play some kind of fantasy creature. Yes.

A gnome. If he's like a potion goblin. Uh-huh. He could make potions with Smirnoff. Think about that. Very nice. Two for one. And I guess Nicole would have to be there too.

Yeah. Because they're friends now. Tight. Yeah. You can're friends now. Tight. Yeah. You can tell. She's excellent. She's been on the show. Oh, sure.

Nicole's a friend. I want to say twice. Yes. No. Was she twice? Can I see this list? I've not actually looked at the list. I just looked at who was number one because of us.

Oh, Jamila, you would love it. It's very long. I can't show it at the list. I just looked at who was number one because of us. Oh, Jamila, you would love it. It's very long. I can't show it to you necessarily. Why? Just I don't want you to start looking through stuff on my phone. Okay. I got some stuff on my phone that... Is sad?

It's not good. Okay. Hayes can give you his phone. Okay, thank you. The 100 on the CW. his phone. Okay, thank you. The 100 on the CW. I don't feel happy about where Curb Your Enthusiasm is on this

list. Wow. You know what would have been funny if they made the 100 number 100 instead of number 79? Kind of a lazy place to put it. 79. Or at least put it at 69. Should be one of those two places.

So the storylines on the 100 have ranged from intense to bizarre to heartbreaking. Mm-hmm. Do you agree with that? Say again? Do you agree with that? Say the sentence before that again. Storylines on the 100 have ranged from intense to bizarre to heartbreaking. I've not seen it.

Wow. Again. I agree with that. I feel like this is like blood on my hands. It's a point that people will listen to this. You said that

Chicago Fire is not... It's tough. It's tough because it's going to be a great episode of our show to have somebody just fully bury themselves. I'm going down. I'm going down.

I'm going down in flames. We have not seen the 100. But it'll be bad moving forward. No one will want to come in. What is the 100? The 100? Oh, God. You really need to know.

It's the number 79 show. And the storylines have ranged from bizarre to heartbreaking. Yeah, yeah. Great, great, great, great, great, great. Have you seen the 100? Yes, he's describing it to you right now. Are you kidding me? Honestly, it's depiction of the trials of living in a post-apocalyptic world are what

got me hooked, but it's the deep and often flawed relationships between the survivors that get me returning every freaking week. Oh, that was so heartfelt. Yeah. I can tell that this show means a lot to you. Yeah, and when they do kill off a major character, to me, it always feels like I've lost a limb.

Cool. Yeah. You can watch it on Netflix or the CW. What's next on the top of the list? Go ahead. Go ahead what? You said you know. You know, Southern Charm is number 100 on the top of the list. Go ahead. Go ahead what? You said you know. You know, Southern Charm

is number 100 on the list. Do you agree with that? I'm ambivalent. Whoa. So you think the good place is... After 25,

I think you'll be on my help. Okay. There's only so much I can bring someone up. Okay. What have I told you? I don't have endless arms. I don't have endless amounts of time.

I've got to be on a hit show. Do you know what I mean? Because I'm very busy. You're out of ladders at some point. I'm very busy being on a hit show. Yeah. You know, I'm tired, frankly. What if I told you that the show you're on right now barely sniffs the top 200 comedy podcasts?

We'll get in there sometimes. Oh, we've been there. And the algorithm is so crazy. It's insane. And I think it's probably why we aren't consistently either there or not there. I've heard it's broken. Have you been hearing this? No.

I've been hearing the algorithm is really not good. Yes. Who was that? No, that's me. I've made a rookie error please feel free to take the call

I'm sorry it must be it must be someone really famous on speaker please no it's just Ted Dancer it was Ted

calling me again yeah oh wow it would have been nice to catch up with him I haven't spoken to him since we shared that orange oh he talks about you

all the time on the set yeah he brings up me the orange guy every time he sees an orange. Oh, he talks about you all the time on the set. Yeah, he brings up me, the orange guy. Every time he sees an orange or anything orange, he brings you up. Funny story. Yeah. Oh, that's really nice to hear because I've been doing that, but it's sort of like when you wonder if someone's looking at that same moon.

Yeah, I know. He's modeled a lot of his character, actually, on you. On my stuff? Yeah. Oh, wow. Okay. Maybe I'll check out the show. We have a lot of his character, actually, on you. On my stuff? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, wow. Okay. Maybe I'll check out the show.

We have a picture of you in our green room. Yeah, it's actually a real honor to meet you. Oh, wow. Yeah. Oh, thank you. Oh, this is really nice. Yeah. Yeah.

This could be a good boost for you. This might get me. This is almost like what she meant to do at the beginning of the show. Yeah, because it feels more similar to what you would do. I guess you've got to tear me down before you can build me up. Well, that's really cool. What aspects of his character are based on me? Just like what personality traits are jumping out?

You know what it seems like conversation let's keep going about the list yeah for after the list yeah i don't want to make you feel shy i wouldn't want to make you feel i don't want to make you blush on your own show and that would be so embarrassing if we're being honest this shouldn't really be about you because it's about me. So bring it back to this guy. You're right. Are you friends with Jay-Z? No, I'm not friends with Jay-Z. Why?

Alan Yang told me you were friends with Jay-Z. And the way you said it. Alan Yang and Mark Evan Jackson told me that you're friends with Jay-Z. Alan Yang and I both were at Jay-Z's after party for the Oscars. Yeah. And my boyfriend has worked with Jay-Z, therefore I have met him a couple of times, and he's a wonderful man.

But I'm not going to go so far as to say that I'm in the periphery of all of the big famous people. And you're friends with Jay-Z. Okay. So Yang told me the truth. Yeah. And if you are, it sounds like you are pretty good friends with him it would be great

if you could get to him this episode of a give you a little boost an improvised musical podcast that we did recently this podcast we're gonna have to give up on and we're trying to sort of

maybe hook into this other one that's doing well yeah there's a show called Off Book right that is musical

and we did an episode that was a huge hit it okay it fucking it got tweeted onto the earwolf main feed yes oh my god no it's they actually literally put up a clip of it they wanted people to hear it they put up a clip on the main earwolf feed where do you normally and they're verified feed There are these sort of sub-feeds. Yeah. Okay. People will mention our show as something that they don't want to see on Earwolf anymore.

Right. In the comments, which is great. It's nice that people are seeing it. Is that the part of Twitter where they don't even at you? They just talk about you? They talk about you and you have to search your name and different spellings of it because people might get it wrong. Okay. And a lot of it is in the replies and then you have to hit like, now I want to see some more replies after this that might be a little nastier.

Some that are offensive. Kind of in the nasty zone. That's where we might end up sometimes. And I honestly think it's bots. Mm-hmm. Do you have this problem? Do I get trolled by bots? All these bots. Russian bots saying they don't want your show to be

a podcast anymore? No, they just sell me penis accessories. That's all I get from bots. Accessories? I get accessories for my peen. Oh, okay. What kind of stuff? Bells, whistles, the uge. A whistle. I have been thinking mine is very quiet.

Yeah. No one knows when it's coming? Yes. That's the wrong word. Frustrating to have a whistle there. Anybody using the whistle, I'd be like, really? But anyway. No, I'm not trolled by bots.

I get trolled by actual people. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah. Okay. Yeah, like I suck it up. We're aiming for that. And I accept that I failed. Our goal.

With certain people. And I have the humility to not blame it on a robot. Well, consider telling yourself. That's your first problem. Consider telling yourself in the world that those are bots. Denial is not a river in Egypt, my friend. No, I know. No, I know.

Okay, so a lot of people would say that it's not just a river in Egypt, but you're saying it is not a river in Egypt either. Period. Shit. Denial is not a river in Egypt. I never get anything right. This is my ongoing, this is my boyfriend's biggest complaint with me, is that I constantly try to use the expressions, never use them right.

For 31 of 32 years that I've been on this earth, I've called it, don't kick a gift horse in the mouth, which is what I thought it was. It's don't look. But it's don't kiss a gift horse. Don't look a gift horse in the mouth. And I've been saying very seriously in like big important rooms, like, you know, don't kick a gift horse in the mouth and I've been saying very seriously in like big important rooms like you know don't kick a gift horse in the mouth why the fuck would you ever kick a gift horse

in the mouth why would you ever do it and it never even occurred to me and because I've been on television and I was mildly famous in the UK no one corrects you so they let me fucking go around saying this stupid fucking expression all the time to everyone looking like an asshole. And I've done it again.

And thank you for correcting me. I feel like we're looking at dead horse here. I think that really the thing to focus on is that while you did mention it's your boyfriend's biggest complaint, it wasn't his only complaint. Oh, no. Do we want to go through the top 100? So that's sort of the good place of boyfriend complaints. The one that you just described. It drives him fucking crazy.

But what's the killing Eve? What is the killing Eve? An underrated complaint. An underrated... Top five, but could also be a little higher. Personal hygiene. Oh, okay. But that's not as...

You could fry an egg on this head sometimes. Your head gets very hot. So dirty. Not cleaning it. It feels like you're maybe using an expression wrong again wow okay

it seems like complaint one has drifted into yeah complaint number five I like to stay in an outfit for three days sometimes if I can

that sounds more like a hygiene issue yeah what day are we on for this one I changed for you guys today because I thought this was going to be good.

But now I realize I could have just... Please don't. Kevin, can you please not tell people that anymore? Yeah, he really bigged you up in the email. Yeah, it's been a problem. What did he do in the email? He bigged us up? Yeah, bigged you up.

This is another... It's an English thing. I like that. It's not a euphemism. It's not a euphemism. I don't think it is an English thing. This is like... It's an English thing. I like that. It's not a euphemism. It's not a euphemism. I don't think it is an English thing. This is like... That's an English thing.

Well, there's no way for us to know. We have a person who's an unreliable narrator, at least in terms of idioms. Do you want to know about my low point in hygiene? Okay. Yeah? Yeah. Low point in hygiene. So, for charity, I work with a company

called Red Nose Day have you heard of it yes it's a comic relief I'm baffled by it I I wrote I see so many

I go to the drugstore and there's just like a poster of a red nose and there's no indication of what it means or why it's just a famous person with a red nose

so I'm excited to learn more about it and Walgreens they're being funny for money, basically. When you check out at Walgreens, a little thing appears on the screen that just says Red Nose Day. And you can click $1. But you don't know where it's going. I can tell from the tone of your voice you've never clicked $1.

I said you can. I know, but I can tell that you haven't. I don't want one of those little... I've got enough of these clown noses. You don't care about Africa? I don't need another nose. Shitting I've got enough of these clown noses. You don't care about Africa? I don't need another nose. Shitting on this guy for not loving the agents. You don't give a shit about Africa.

I also saw Black Panther. Nobody asked me, but I did see it. Is that what it goes to, Africa? Why don't you guys say that? It goes all over. Red Nose Day. Oh, this must be for Africa. It's not just Africa.

Sorry, I don't... Africa was who they helped a lot at the beginning. They've raised a billion pounds. It's quite a lot of money. Have you raised a billion pounds? Yeah, I'm working on it. I got to lay off the frigging bread or else I'm going to raise two billion pounds. Seriously, man.

Well, I tweeted out six years ago. I said, for every thousand pounds that I earn today in this GoFundMe, I will wear a chicken suit for a day. And because English people are bastards, I made 30,000 pounds on that day. So I had to wear a chicken suit and not take it off. Wow. Whoa. In a way.

And so that was like... For 30 days. so you made 30,000 pounds yeah and the people in Africa got this yeah I fixed Africa Africa's fine now from oh I thought you got the money yourself to do this joke no so that people in Africa could have something funny to laugh at ah I can see how you know someone like you would think that. But actually, it was the money went straight to charity for comic relief, and I had to spend 30 days stinking in a chicken suit. And I met a boy during that time

and started having to go on dates with him and he would take me out in the chicken suit. Shall I show you pictures of this chicken suit? Yeah, okay. Was part of it. Oh, no. Like, please contain your excitement. Calm down, man.

It's just a picture. Relax. Do you want to get that again? Do you want to just run that one? Let's roll that back. Would you guys like to see a picture of it? A calmer version of me wanting to see the picture? Yeah, just more excitement, I think, is what she's looking for.

Yeah, I think she was being sarcastic. Oh, really? She was, yeah, this is like a British thing. She actually wants you to be more excited. Okay. This is my read. I watched Blackadder. So we do it again?

So, hey guys, would you like to see this chicken suit picture of me? I guess. I wore this fucking thing. It does look very yeah was it part of the rules that you weren't allowed to take it off like it feels like

you could shower if you want it was what I said it kind of looks more like a turkey suit well now I'm gonna what's your point I mean

the point is you still owe these people a chicken suit yeah and the fact that it's for charity I just think like honesty and transparency is kind of important The point is you still owe these people a chicken suit. Yeah, and the fact that it's for charity, I just think honesty and transparency is kind of important in this scenario. How many bright yellow turkeys have you seen in your life? It's got these red wings, though.

How many bright yellow chickens have you seen in your life? I've seen plenty of bright yellow chickens, actually. A chick? It's a chick. It's a giant chick suit. Except for those big red wings. Some of them could have red wings. What if they were bleeding?

What if they... Okay, so it's the idea that you've been... It's a political statement. It's a bloody chick. Mm-hmm. You've been grievously injured. Yes. Now, no beak or head?

No. Because otherwise people... It could be anyone. I had to show that I was humiliating myself. I had to go on holiday to Paris. There's a picture of me trying to twerk in Paris in the chicken suit. They made you twerk too? No, that was my own terrible decision.

I had to go on dates with a nice handsome man and I would stink. It was bad. How'd it go? I didn't get laid. This is like one of these long jokes. Sean does these sometimes. Yeah, we've been doing these long jokes on the show. Are you all right, darling?

No. Not for quite some time. Thank you for asking. That's all right. It's actually the first time it's come up. Okay. I've been thinking, do I bring it up or do I wait for someone to ask? But no, I'm not all right.

Okay. You want to talk about it? Should we listen to a clip from our off-book episode? Yeah. Is that loaded up? Is that ready to go? You bet. So we need you to play this for Jay-Z.

Okay. Okay. Definitely going to do that. Man, I should have gotten this girl's name and now I feel like it's been too long for me to ask. Vanessa, would you like a new soda? That was Sean, the first one. Can I please have?

I can use that. Now I know that it sounds like Vanessa and I'm closing in on what her name might be. Stop it. So how long do you think it would take one of your musician friends to come up with a song like that? Forever, right? Yes. That Sean was singing that.

I could imagine my boyfriend never coming up with something that sounds like that. Never. Yeah, I don't think he'd be able to either. And meanwhile, we were making that up. That's incredible. I was not in that clip, per se, but I am in some of the other parts of the episode. And that's not the clip from the Earwolf feed.

I was going to ask, does it involve both of you? Who made the cut? Well, I don't know how that clip was chosen. Right. Probably via what was best. Were you in it? I was not in that clip, and I agree it's a very good one of...

That particular clip probably would have been better to play than this other random one. Are you in the clip? I think I was one of the main guys in the clip. Are you in the background? No, that was Sean in the beginning. He was doing kind of a... But she's asking about the main feed Twitter clip. Yeah, you were in that one too.

We're talking like TV guide number one list. I want legit stats. No, I were in that one too oh the one in the main feed we're talking like TV guide number one list like I want legit stats no I appreciate that play the main feed don't waste my time play the one from the main feed play the main feed clip yeah this is not from the main feed

this is me though this is me we're going in order of highlights it's chronological and why are you all at Eminem no Devin that's not what we're doing. When I ask you to play the main feed clip,

we're playing the main feed clip. We're not going in order of highlights. We shouldn't have humiliated him about the Asians. This is what you get. Going off book. So this is all that Jay-Z stuff a little bit. He humiliates himself. He dishonors himself when he refuses to watch a trailer

for Crazy Rich Asians. I can't do anything to him that he doesn't allow me to do. Sorry, I'm just going to go ahead and check out the Crazy Rich Asians trailer right now. Theory evoked by date rapists. Don't watch it right now. I'm sorry, sorry, okay. I was just trying to catch up, you guys. Now that makes me look bad that I didn't watch the Crazy Rich Asians trailer on the show,

and now I'm going to get dragged and cancelled. Cancelled culture is weird. Because of Devin. I saw the Ghost Blasters reboot. So he likes women, still just not Asians. Notice none of them were Asians. Devin loved that part of it. I was trying to catch up with the trailer and you guys put the time box.

Did you see Killing Eve, Devin? I've not seen Killing Eve. Of course he hasn't. There's an Asian in it. There is? Sandra Oh. Oh, yeah. That's right.

I knew that. Sandra Oh. Oh, yeah. That's right. Hilarious MI5 inspector. Mm-hmm. To me, it's so hard because she's always Christine. From Grey's Anatomy?

She's always going to be Christine. She will always be Christine. Mm-hmm. You know? I didn't think that show was on the list. What do you think of that? Are you sure? Oh, it's had its time.

Okay. Wow. On the list. Canceled. Doesn't have to be canceled. So it's canceled. But we know about it. Everyone knows about it.

Grey's is canceled, sis. Just step aside for a minute. Give someone else a chance. Don't be on TV anymore. No, I'm not saying it doesn't have to be on TV anymore. It just doesn't have any business being on a list where people need to know about stuff. Stop making it. No more paychecks.

Everyone works for free. Give shows like Ghosted a chance. Well, that I would disagree with. Yeah. Ghosted did continue on without me. Mm-hmm. And a lot of people preferred the new version of it,

but it still wasn't good enough to make the list or even to keep getting made. Well, that's probably because they didn't have you in it anymore, maybe. Yeah, I was never in it. I was just coming up with some of the crazy ideas for some of these ghouls and monsters that they'd be chasing. Sean's really good at drawing monsters. Oh, great. Yeah.

So, yeah, they hired me as sort of a. Yeah. Oh, thank you. Oh, thank you. They hired me as like a monster consultant. It's good to have something to keep you going. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I come up with this crazy, like one one's, like, just, like, got this huge eye.

Where? Where's the eye? Right now, currently, it's in his head. It's in his head, inside his head? Mm-hmm, yeah. You can't see it on the outside? No, he's looking at the inside of his own skull. Oh, wow.

Isn't that trippy? Yeah. Yeah. Trips you out, right? And one has fangs. That's what anyone in on the outside. No, he's looking at the inside of his own skull. Oh, wow. Isn't that trippy? Yeah. Trips you out, right? Yeah. And one has fangs. That's what anyone in LA does anyway. Wow. Holy fuck.

I like it here. Just calling it as I see it. Everyone has a big eye inside their skull. I'm sure they'd be doing the same thing in England, but they can't see it because they're all drunk. Wow. Keep going. Get everybody. Can you hear my truth bomb? New place.

Do Brazil. Oh, get them. I don't know. You've got to get Brazil. Soccer. Oh, they're so attractive and good at everything oh yeah gross

yeah great food ugh I'm gonna pay lays from there maybe I'm pissed about it yeah maybe not

figure it out Brazil Portuguese Devin how'd you feel about Brazil oh Brazil yeah it's a great movie it's just Asians okay keep going

oh see no Asians in that movie yeah play the main feed Play the main feed. Play the main feed clip. You're going to love this. This isn't either one of us. This is one of the big ones.

This is about me. No. Brown and mushy? This is about me. That might have been me. I'm definitely one of those. That's me. That's Sean.

That's Zach. That was Hayes playing James Van Der Beek. But that was Sean singing. That's Sean right there. Improvise. I really like this. Improvise. We made this up. Made it up

as it was happening. Put your feet up. James Blunt do that? Don't think so. Does James Blunt do that? Why does everyone think of James Blunt? Go home and ask James Blood to do it.

Well, Alan Yang told me that you're dating James Blood. Fucking Alan fucking Yang. I'm going to kill Alan Yang. Yeah, Alan Yang told me you're dating James Blood. He apologized to me publicly on Twitter. Oh, yeah. What for? Not as publicly as he made the mistake.

For lying about my life? I think he made the mistake on a much bigger platform than the apology happened. Not what this show? No, he didn't do it on this show. Jesus. Devin, you see Yang's new show? I have not. Consistent.

I'm seeing a pattern here. Yang's show, he didn't check out. But what have you watched lately? What shows? I was watching Iron Chef last night. Iron Chef America. I had Penn Jillette as a, what do you call it, judge? Yeah.

And I thought that, where does Penn Jillette get qualified to judge food? Is he famously hungry? Who is this, Penn? He's a libertarian magician. As in Penn and Teller correct yeah yeah yeah he calls bullshit on a lot of stuff that you just take for granted you specifically yeah you probably look at some of this stuff out here and you just go like oh this is good whatever it is you know scientology or something yeah and then he'll go like should we take another look at this this is maybe this

is bad if we actually take the blinders off. Is he the big one or the little one? He's the big one who talks a lot. Big fat guy. Eats a lot of food. So could maybe qualify to be a judge on a food show, don't you think? So we're lifting people up on this show instead of dragging them down

saying they're not qualified? Lifting people up while shaming them about their bodies. Did I say it was bad? I said he qualified for shaming them about their bodies. Did I say it was bad? I said he qualified for a job for it. Sure. Yeah. Did call him a big fat guy, though, didn't you? But he didn't mean... I think you're putting the meanness on that.

Well. So you were like, big fat guy? Yes. Ah. I must have heard it as a big fat guy. It's a different intonation. No, I was saying it going up. And as you can hear from our off-book episode,

I do have perfect control over my pitch. Great. And it was improvised. I did really enjoy that song. Yeah. And maybe how long do you think it would take James Blunt to come up with that song? Don't get instantly smug.

Well, I don't know James Blunt because I'm neither shagging him nor have I ever met him. Wow, this sounds like a tough relationship. Yeah, it's a Muslim relationship. We'll meet any day after marriage. But I could say that I'm from Pakistan. Can I say that? Oh, yeah, absolutely. You can say anything.

Okay. You can't get cancelled. I don't know. I don't know how James Blunt would do something like that. What is your favorite song by him? Do you think I should just start telling people I am going out with James Blunt? May as well. That would save time.

That would impress the hell out of me. Okay. Because James Blake is the name of a tennis player as well. You're right. When James Blake got attacked by a police officer randomly, you can imagine how my heart felt when I saw that on the news. Yeah. I was like, finally, I got him.

I was going to say. It worked. It was all a big mistake. Yeah. You were sort of hoping to go through with your plan. You must have been a little upset that someone scooped you. Yeah, that the fuzz got to him before you did. Frustrating.

Oh, dear. Well, what's your favorite James Blunt song? I don't know any James Blunt songs. One time I worked... Oh, wait, no, he did... You're beautiful. Yeah. You're beautiful.

That's all I know. One time I worked for a TV show that... Has James Blake ever done a song like that? Yeah. No. I have to wonder. Can't do that. Well, it's already gone.

Might be kind of nice. Yeah. I'll tell him. Does he say that? When I... You know when he won a Mercury Award, which is an award in Britain, he got announced as the winner

and she said James Blunt. Yeah, Lauren Laverne, one of our TV hosts over there, announced the award, gave it to him. She had it on a piece of card and still called him James Blunt. Well, everyone...

He lives in that man's shadow. Everyone who presents those awards, though... It's a nightmare. Now there's James Bay. James Blake, the tennis player. He's just... Yeah. That sucks,

because for you, James is Bay. There's Salt Bay. Yeah. And now... But I have to say... Because James... He must get confused for Salt Bay sometimes. Everyone thinks I'm Priyanka Chopra.

That's fine. Yeah. But she's, you know, she's doing pretty good. I had a... She rocks. I always get confused for Salt Bae sometimes. Everyone thinks I'm Priyanka Chopra. That's fine. But she's, you know, she's doing pretty good. She rocks. I had a conversation with a famous film director at an awards ceremony who I cannot name because of what this story is. He's very famous. We'll figure it out. And I walked up to him.

Well, he walked up to me to congratulate me. He's a director. Okay. He walked up to me to congratulate me on Quantico. And because I was so excited to meet him, I put on a slight Indian accent and did it. Oh. It was a director. Famous director.

Famous director. Is it Alan Yang? Yes, it's going really well. No, famous director. No, I'm joking. Fuck you, Alan Yang. Telling lies about me. Excited to meet him.

He thought you were Quantico. And I was like, yes, it's going very well, actually. I'm really enjoying my time on the show. And, you know, it's just great to see you again. And I got to long out a conversation with this man. This feels racist. It's not racist because this is how I once spoke like this when I was younger and I lived in Pakistan.

So I can do this accent. It's a different kind. It's not the kind of one that we have like Apu. It's a sort of educated, sophisticated Indian accent. It's different. May I please back way up? Before I came in the room? When life was good and safe?

No, no, no. It was never okay. Where are you on this Apu stuff? Do you think he should be white? Do I think Apu's character should be white? Yeah, just don't have an Indian in it at all.

That's what some of these people are saying. That's what people are... I'm hearing this campaign. I disagree. I think I'm with you. Okay. I do still love Hank Azaria.

I thought he was hilarious and amazing. Mystery Alaska. I only know him from Brockmirearia. I thought he was hilarious and amazing. Mysterio Astro. I only know him from Brockmire. But I came up in the 80s and 90s where I just didn't know anything different other than seeing people like Peter Sellers browned up and just being excited to see that. Okay, we have Bigging Up.

Bigging Up, Browning Up, Longing Out, and Browning Up. Yeah. And Shagging. Oh my god. No one said Shagging. And browning up. Yeah. And shagging. Oh my God. No one said shagging. Devin. All right? You said you weren't shagging, James Blunt.

Okay, I did actually say that. I'm sorry, Devin. I apologize. That's okay. I was giving him another reason to hate Asians. Devin's nasty. I mean, I can finish watching this trailer. He's fixated on it.

Like, if you say shagging, clearly he hasn't thought about it. The one word he heard this entire show. He's obsessed. So since I've said it, all he's heard is shagging, shagging, shagging, shagging, shagging say shagging, clearly he hasn't thought about it. The one word he heard this entire show. So since I've said it, all he's heard is shagging, shagging, shagging, shagging, shagging, shagging, shagging, shagging. His internal monologue is just shagging on repeat. Shagging. I don't like Asians. Shagging. I was going to make a joke about the Mercury Awards.

It wasn't very good. That could be a good thing to go out on. I tried, like, probably 30 times to make it. Wait, do we want to first get any plugs for you in case we are going out on this joke? I don't think we can. I really don't think we can, Hayes. Are you sure? Do you have a choice?

Let's just get it out just in case. Is there anything better in the back? And we'll see if it can be enough of like a hammer. When's Good Place coming back? Because we're always looking for... Good Place is coming back September the 27th. Okay. On NBC.

All right. And then I think Netflix the day after. Otherwise known as September 28th. But I can't be sure. I think it's coming out then. The new episodes are on Netflix the next day? Season three. I just saw the first episode.

It's one hour long and it is really fucking brilliant. I'm really happy with it. I'm really excited. Okay. It's number one material, some could say. All right. It's an hour? Our off-book episode was about an hour long, and we just made it up.

And you heard some of that shit. It was wonderful. And did you write Good Place ahead of time and practice? Me? Yeah. Some kind of try hard. No was wonderful. And did you write Good Place ahead of time and practice? Me? Yeah. Some kind of try hard. No, it's all live. We're going to be doing it live.

You do it improvised all live? Yeah, yeah, yeah. We've never... You see it. But you saw it already in your head? Yeah, in my dreams.

Okay, well you're not supposed to even think of it beforehand. Yeah, yeah. But in my dream it was fucking brilliant. But we're actually going to totally go in.

We've improvised the last two seasons as well. There aren't any writers wow yeah Jen Stasky came on the show and lied that she

was a writer on a good place yeah it's sad it's sad that she feels the need to validate herself like that but she doesn't

work on the show it's just all of us writing our own lines and doing a live wow she gas lit me yeah

were you pissed about Megan Amram's Emmy so angry how dare they and I'm glad that she wants revenge I've... Wow. She gaslit me. Yeah. Were you pissed about Megan Amram's Emmy? So angry. How dare they? And I'm glad that she wants revenge and she won't stop writing about it on social media. Could be good for her to actually have an excuse to make another season that's even crazier.

I agree. I truly agree. But also it's good for her to have a knock because her success trajectory has been absurd and she's not going to have any friends anymore soon if she keeps being so successful. She needed some humility.

Yeah, she'd been on a freaking rocket ship to Mercury. She made it off of Twitter. She tweeted so much that loads of celebrities started retweeting her

because she's so funny and then Mike Schur found her over Twitter and then she's become like one of his top writers and now she's like Emmy nominated.

She's only like 15 years old. How dare she? Yeah, real underdog story. Went to Harvard. Yeah, with me and all my cronies. I got to tell you, you go to Harvard, man. It's pretty easy. I got to say.

Sean went there. It's been a smooth road for somebody like me. You can feel it that I went to Harvard, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I just got the vibe, you know? And we all do. We could smell it on each other. Nice.

And we just hand each other just big piles of money, just big job title, whatever. Yeah, yeah. It's stupid, it's dumb, but it's fun. You wear the scent of privilege. Yeah, yeah, I wear the scent. You don't need deodorant. No, no, and actually I'm allergic to it, and it gives me a pretty bad rash. Yeah.

And it comes from kind of a, it breeds kind of a jokier tradition, like the Simpsons and Letterman and like this Mercury joke. Yeah, yes, the jokier tradition. Well, it's like, and it makes sense in a way because all the funniest people got great grades in high school. You know what I mean? If you just think about the funniest person you know, you're like, oh, that guy was probably doing a ton of homework. And so why wouldn't the entire comedy industry be run by people who went to Harvard?

Well, you become funny because you've got no friends because you were spending all your time at school. You know, loneliness. Ah, yes. Nerds and nerds rule. Yeah. We actually are back all the way back around to liking nerds again. Yes, yes. Nerds and nerds rule. We actually are back, all the way back around to liking nerds again. Yes, finally. People are wearing shirts, like attractive, cool people who've got loads of friends

where there's fucking shirts that say geek. Yeah, that say talk nerdy to me. Yeah, and you have all those Victoria's Secret models being like, oh my God, I'm such a nerd. A lot of them were nerds. I like playing Tetris on my phone. If I could describe myself in one word, it I'm such a nerd. A lot of them were nerds. I like playing Tetris on my phone. If I could describe myself in one word, it would be like a geek.

Everyone, because I like fall over sometimes, so I'm like totally a geek. Oh, my God. Yeah. Tall, beautiful people like me were so awkward. So awkward in high school. People forget that. can I plug another thing yeah please and then the Mercury joke

and then the Mercury joke I've made a documentary about sexual consent great and that is on the BBC and you can watch it on the BBC

you can listen to it on the BBC iPlayer across the world I believe and just so people can't see this you're just listening but she's making

direct eye contact with Devin as she talks about this documentary. I've been brought here today to have a word with you. Who could maybe benefit from this. Yeah. Okay. Well, we've obviously learned something from it because we used to,

when we had a new guest on the show who had never been on another Earwolf show, we used to encourage other Earwolf hosts to get down and suck on these. But we now, we no longer require that. We offer them the option. Right. We say, hey, if you so choose, we would not object,

now that we've had this guest that you've been unable to attain, to you getting way, way down there and suck on these. But it's your choice. And so... You're a great guy. Yes. Yeah, we're pretty cool. Yes.

The Mercury joke, I think it's the Mercury Awards. And you told a story where the woman presenting... Do you want her to do it again? ...mispronounced... No. Better if you do it.

I've got a cleaner recollection of it that she mispronounced your boyfriend's name. And the joke which I still haven't formed

was in the area of everyone getting their names mispronounced and other things going wrong at that award show because they all have mercury poisoning. Bye. Goodbye, everyone.

You're beyond help. Bye.