Hollywood Handbook - Jamie Loftus, Our Smart Podcast Friend

Episode Date: October 6, 2020

JAMIE LOFTUS returns to help The Boys make a podcast but smart. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

this is a head gum podcast so of course um all lined up along the shore looking for good skipping stones it was me it was he-man it was dennis kucinich it was vera wang we are going to see who can do the most skips. And there's sort of an overturned boat out, maybe 60 yards out. And we're saying that who can hit the boat, but has to skip at least four times before it touches the boat. You can't just throw it at the boat. That's cheating, Dennis Kucinich.

You threw it at the boat. You can't do one huge skip that goes all the way, you know, skips right in the middle, Vero-ing. It has to skip four times, at least could skip seven or eight, and then make contact with the overturned boat, He-Man. So as we're doing this, I'm trying a new technique where i'm almost like backhand flinging it and i'm getting this like sick ass spin and it's going like around like in circles almost and it's fucking like pretty ill but i'm not getting the distance i want and we're and we're hearing this noise that's very annoying. That's like, yeah. Help my boat.

I'm drowning. And like, you're trying to save them in this way. That's like, Hey, like we're here. We are here. We're here.

You see, it's possible to be on shore. Yes. We're showing you what to do. And also, they're sort of getting pissed. Away from the boat, there's actually an outside here where there's rocks. Do you hear that? That's rocks.

It's really lead by example, you know, because we're sort of saying like, hey, this is what you kind of want to be doing. Why don't you close your mouth, open your ears, and listen for a second. This is the direction of rocks. The rock direction, which he's pissed that we're throwing the rocks towards him,

but we're not throwing them at him. We're throwing them at the boat. And also, if you just shut up and let us do it ultimately he man might throw a big enough rock or enough rocks that it actually makes you can stand on it so enough rocks are hitting the bow and falling to the floor and eventually you're standing on essentially an island that well that's the. If only this guy would shut up and stop criticizing everything

because then he's also like, that technique's not going to work. You can't get the... You don't have the lever. You're not using your body. It's all arm. And I'm going like, hey, pal,

I'm not the one who's drowning in the water. Thank you very much so anyway i i don't totally remember how it all shook out i was on a bunch of lewds man memorable for all street hey welcome to hollywood handbook and insider's guide to kicking butt and dropping names in the red carpet linebacker always. Welcome back, Jamie Loftus. We're seeing you. We see you. We love you. We admire you.

We're doing the show. You honor us by coming and being a part of the show. I did make a concerted choice. I wanted to be, I like that I'm vertical and you're all horizontal.

I think that that is a choice that I made. It really lengthens you out. You do it on the phone? I do it on the phone. You do it on the phone? I do it on the phone. And I've been vertical myself when I zoom in on the phone. No kidding. And the camera's's nice it's all very cool i feel like i have more control jamie's you have a dog and a cat i do yeah flea and sunny have they kissed before

they uh the cat kisses the dog the dog is a little distant how long what do they do it like what do they do it like they do it like okay so uh when the dog is very still the cat comes up behind the dog puts a paw on the back flank of the dog as if to say hey just checking in hey just letting you know i'm about to kiss you he checks in hey if you could just just i'm i'm here i am about to kiss you i don't want to thing is the dog has a lot is very furry and the cat is very small so he doesn't usually feel the tap tap for the checking oh boy and then he just goes straight in for the mouth licking the back flank dog gets mad dog puts you know the a little bit of the cat in his mouth and he spits it out as a warning.

Just puts a little piece of the cat in his mouth. Just a little scruff. Just a little scruff. This part of you now is in my mouth. Think about that, cat. Remember that next time. Hey, so I actually did try

to warn you and i actually did indicate that a kiss was coming so this reaction i'm kind of like extremely unwarranted and a bit dramatic yeah yeah he puts his paw on the on the back flank which is customary i'm pretty sure in an exchange like this check in on the back flank if you don't get a reaction uh you know it's it's a go-ahead it's a little different for them than it is what it is if you a reaction, it's a go-ahead. It's a little different for them than it is for us. What it is, if you're behind someone, it's a couple fingers on the hamstring. Yeah. And that's saying, kiss coming.

Kiss on the way. And that's your opportunity, right? To say, hey, I'm busy. That's the equivalent of the package the package tracker where like you get the email saying like hey your package is in arizona now or whatever and you're like oh no no no stop stop it hey send it back yes i'm busy right now i don't want yeah it's kind of the it's that step in the pizza tracker of like well he's on the way so it's kind of too late it would be really it

would be more work to tell him to turn around so maybe you should just take the pizza i don't i mean you know i i think that that the dog is uh is not being receptive but he's got issues of his own that he's damaged sunny is damaged he's damaged goods he's you know he's been getting a lot of he's honestly damaged bad he's sunny's fucked up that's he's fucked up i mean god bless him i like him and i can relate he rocks sunny needs to do some work on himself he's that's the thing is like you know some people can turn themselves around and then others are just like you know at the core not very not very good he sucks he's fucked and he's shown no initiative and no uh desire to really truly dig in and recognize his own flaws he puts it on the cat right like doubles down on it doubles

down on it every single time to me that's not cool that's not an opportunity for growth no it's ugly it's ugly he fucking he's amazing he's amazing i love sunny sunny's incredible he's my best friend he's my hero i well it's kind of complicated because it's like i i love sunny but the the fan base is extremely toxic and i think the two things can kind of be true there yes do you know what i mean like and what is it about sunny that collects a fan base like that why why do those people gravitate to sunny it's not just a coincidence that's exactly right i mean and i've read essays on the topic and i think there's been good points made and there's been you know maybe some overly harsh points made, but there is something in what he's doing

that's appealing to the wrong kind of person for me. And he doubles down. Whether it's intentional or not, if you don't recognize that and then disavow it actively, because now by liking Sonny, which I love Sonny, he's my best friend, I could change plays with anyone in the world, be Sonny right now. which I love Sunny.

He's my best friend. I could change Plays With Anyone In The World be Sunny right now. That said if I do like him I'm aligning myself

with some of the worst people society has to offer and therefore Sunny must be cancelled and Sunny is dead to me.

You have to yeah it's like when you appear in a picture with Sunny and you post it to Maine you know in stories maybe that's a little but if you post you and it to Maine, you know, in stories, maybe that's a little bit,

but if you post you and Sonny to Maine, that's an endorsement. The Maine feed pics don't come down. It's, yeah. I had to, a while ago, I mean, I had the foresight and I'm grateful I did. I scrubbed everything. I took him off Maine.

He is not, you can't find him on my grid. So if you are, you you know coming to me today saying hey who's this girl what's she about you don't see any toxic any toxicity on the main it's gone it was there they have programs that you can download that will just eliminate sunny from your your online presence entirely and i am rooting for sunny i truly truly want sunny to succeed but sunny needs to be back andny needs to be dropped out the window. He does. This instant.

Sonny must be eliminated with extreme prejudice. And I'm one of the people who thinks we have to provide Sonny with a path back to society. Or else what will become of Sonny and his ilk? I mean, again, that's a take that can come back to bite you, but I think it actually shows... He should be vaporized. A lot of... He should be turned into dust.

The problem is, you know, there's always a risk when you do something like that that he might just split and then there'll be two, you know? And that's always been my concern is that there'll just be two of them. And I couldn't...

I don't know what I would do. Either there's one good Sonny and one bad Sonny now, which, like, oh, no. oh no or like now there are two very complicated sunnies that's too much for me i jamie cheeseburger choice go what cheeseburger choice cheeseburger choice cheese now okay okay okay okay cheeseburger choice enough fucking around i just want i just want one one cheeseburger is your choice i just want one just one that's cheeseburger choice grilled or in the oven oh oh uh baked cheeseburger. Just one baked.

Baked, but on low. Lightly baked cheeseburger. Lightly baked. One, Jamie's choice. So this is a great segue because, of course, every episode on our show, we do kind of populist content like Cheeseburger Choice, something that everyone can sort of relate to. And at home, they're making their own Cheeseburger Choice.

I love that. I love that. And yet you have sort of chosen a different path, which is that you are providing content for a very small like sliver of the cultural intellectual elite uh in order to get on uh to just kind of like have an instant pass to like get on vulture and paste uh and like these other uh very smart it's n comedy. It's for super consumers. It's the 30 Rock audience, right? I mean, there's only a couple of them,

but they all have unlimited black cards or whatever. The thing is, there's only four or five of them, but they have so much money. It's unbelievable. And they're giving it to Jamie, aren't they? They're giving a lot of it to me. They gave it to Jamie. The money's showing up at your house. It is.

Which, congrats. And that's so cool. And we actually would not mind having some of these smart, rich people like us as well. You know, everything we've done so far has been so easy. Yeah, I agree. And just kind of fun and light. And it's not really challenging anyone it's not asking anything of the audience what has it changed you know nothing i mean i guess does the narrative

has the narrative been changed well it delights i mean it is you know a welcome the narrative delights a welcome sav a a balm on the ills of today just to sort of unplug and just listen to something that's just fun and just nice guys talking, being nice. But yeah, we haven't changed the narrative. And I have been looking at your work and I've been thinking about your work and I've been trying to figure it out. And what I'm realizing is like, this is some smart stuff you did mensa show i did mensa show by definition the smartest show yeah that was the conclusion i reached by the end anyone anyone did this you do beck beck del cast i mean i'm am i even saying that right but it's like this whole like analysis theory i mean talk about this stuff

yeah you guys want to you guys want to talk about uh feminism in movies hayes what do you think is that good for us well i think this is a good topic for for you guys have you seen u571 no i haven't is that is that one good for women? It is really interesting just because what I find really interesting about it from sort of looking through it from this feminist lens is the submarine is a girl. Oh, they call her she. She, her pronouns on the submarine. I don't know if they say it.

I don't know if they ever say it but you're just you see it on screen you're like okay that's a girl that's okay have you seen um k19 the widowmaker i haven't seen i know i haven't seen that one oh really oh really oh wow that's that surprises me um k19 the widowmaker is interesting and even just in the title they are focused on the the woman's experience because she will be made a widow by the actions of this submarine which is also a girl wow okay so it's kind of about their relationship and and how they connect and help each other grow is is there is there like some some growth going on there this uh i mean the periscope grows higher when they're trying to find something

like up so there's definitely some growth happening there in terms of like at least a lengthening um and speaking of which have you seen down periscope no i i will say i've heard of it but i haven't actually seen and now so this is and I did not think that we were going to be doing this. I just sort of thought we would like be talking about these movies and you'd be like, oh, I've seen that. Here's my kind of smart perspective on this. That was the girl, yeah. But you have not seen U-571.

You have not seen K-19, The Widowmaker. You have not seen Down Periscope. And I certainly have not seen Down Periscope. So what's interesting about all these movies is they are all about submarines that are girls. Right. Well, I mean, honestly, a concern that I have is that I come off as a fraud in these situations because you're naming all these feminist movies and I've never heard of them and I don't know what they are.

Yeah, that's really my, I'm really concerned about that too. Well, you know, I could feel that. I could feel that coming from, and I guess I just want to assure you that, you know, it's a process. It's imperfect. Yeah, I know I haven't seen Down Periscope yet. Who do you think directed K-19, The Widowmaker? Can I be honest? The name that came to my head?

Mm-hmm. Wait, what year did it come out? 2012, too. 2002. 2002 or 2012? Yeah said that what was the budget of the movie yeah what was the budget i'm just trying to i'm trying to narrow it down including marketing and the 90 was my guess budget but it's 90 mil but obviously obviously marketing just about doubles it for a big studio film like that. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, of course.

Okay. And then it did, did you well, or is it kind of like a cult, more of a cult movie? It's not for cults. It's for everybody. It did well in my living room, but are you asking if it recouped the we could estimate 180 mil um no it didn't it didn't get it back well that's not necessarily a bad thing right okay i'm gonna go i'm gonna i'm gonna say was it angley was it was that one of his no i'm sorry and actually and now it's time to tell you what the real answer is what's the answer it's katherine

bigelow oh my god yeah though that's that she wanted so badly to be a male director i'm i'm really sorry hayes wow i wish i i and you know i think that that's i i have some i have some things that i need to work through with katherine Bigelow and my internalized misogyny because I got to be honest, in the big year, I was rooting for Jim for the Oscar. I was rooting for Jim and he didn't get it. And I held on to that and I stopped engaging with her work.

And I think that I have suffered as a result because I haven't seen Detroit. I haven't seen Detroit. But listen, I'm right there with you. If we had been able to see Jim up there, not for best picture, but for best director, and just to see him holding, holding the grip in the big fella again. Yes. And to announce that he potentially remains the king of the world and has been this entire time.

I would, I would have been so happy that night, but then, but you know, and, and you know, good for her. We're happy for her i like her i

like i liked point i liked point break and i like and you know what i like about her is that she's kind of a guy's gal and uh sure and i don't think that's true enough of that she can mix it up with the fellas big stogie a snifter i heard that on the set of K-19, The Widowmaker, she was frequently busting chops. Oh my God. And I bet, I bet she would, you know, if not do pranks herself,

she would engage with them. She wouldn't scold you for doing a prank. Yeah, sure. Not Kathy. It could definitely happen around her. No, I mean. And she'd be very normal about it. But I do,

I do think about a lot. What if, what if Jim had won instead of Kathy and come on stage and kind of rubbed it in her face a little bit? You know? And wouldn't that have been a nice moment? He snags the big fella around its golden midsection.

Clutches it? Yes. Clutches it? You know, and you see his long fingernails? Because when you're shooting an Avatarils because you can't when you're when you're shooting an avatar movie you can't you can't clip your fingernails it's bad i don't have a lot of time to go clipping all over here and there and just and the noise also affects the sound on the movie if the boom picks up that clipping sound you're fucked you're in the edit

room forever trying to be like well do we have a bell ring or he's got these long asmr kind of nails that he would just clutch the thing with and and and say hey kathy and then it cuts to her and she is so and she is so mad and speaking of submarines he's down there and one of the like one of the screws is coming loose say for example for example, he can use his fingernail, just put it right in there and twist it back around and tighten it again. No, it's essentially he has a multi-tool on it at all times, and it's his physical hand, which he has adapted to be more useful.

I mean, no one could make the argument that James Cameron doesn't like or respect women because he's in a submarine all the time. Yeah. And the girlfriend the girlfriend from pandora was a woman so okay think about that and also i gotta say we have changed him we have these insane beauty standards for men where you have to have these short tight nails all the time and we just like expect men to to have all this grooming time.

And I'm sorry, I don't know when I'm supposed to do that. And it's also, it's not comfortable and it's not practical because how am I going to screw in the submarine? When am I going to do it? I don't like the noise. Like, come on, Jamie. Sometimes you need some, I think that that's, you know, more important than the discussion of women in film is the discussion of of men's nails.

And I think that is a side of masculinity we don't see explored very often. And sure, there's been some Cartoon Network shows that have, you know, brushed on it. Right. And said, oh, OK, maybe, you know, totally subversive, like under the radar. It's almost absurdist. Right. in the way that they tackle it. Because we don't talk about this shit. No, and then they finally get the recognition they deserve. And then wait, the show is over. It's only like eight minutes.

By the time you get to anything good, you're like, oh, it's over and I have to wait. I mean, personally, and i think a lot of women would agree uh i like a man with very long nails and when you see and and you know it when you see it i've always said this yeah with with with men who have you know kind of longer nails you know it when you see it and and when it feels right it feels right imagine jim up there you see it and and when it feels right it feels right imagine jim up there yeah having secured the bag which stands for big ass gold man it is warm grip just pumping it up and down up there he puts it down it's we should have had that the big ass gold man is all wet his the gold man's

wet but his hands are like sandpaper and they're just grinding look gold filings flying off onto the podium as he speaks and sort of winds his hand around it he's whittling he's whittling the man that's just the climate of new zealand that'll do that to your hands i hate to get off topic because but but i he should have won and i think that that the world would be a little different if he had he'd be king again it's these little inflection point yeah where we that we see where we go oh wait if i actually work backwards like this is where it went wrong and it was with avatar i'm working on an essay for refinery 29 that kind of explores that congratulate oh my god well don't blow by this thank you i mean talk about

way to bury the lead no it's an essay yeah for yes for refinery 29 yesery29. Yes. Jamie. Yes, for Refinery29. Yes, I know. I know. I was really excited. I was pitching and pitching and pitching and pitching. You know, I sent it out to everyone. I reached out to my contacts and said, hey, I really have something to say here

and I can't publish it myself, you know, because then no one will take it seriously. So, you know, I got some contacts. What's the word count? Oh, well, okay. So, they said originally, you know, 1, word count oh well okay so i it was supposed they said originally you know 1500 that'll do you know and then i but then i and they said you know we can give you 50 dollars uh six months from now and i said okay that's interesting i my experience with them is that

they pay actually one tortilla chip per word. Really? Yes. I don't know if that changed, like the scale moved or whatever. I only get three quarters of a tortilla chip, so thanks for bringing that up. Oh, so it's the money but also three. You just didn't mention that you get three quarters of a tortilla chip.

You know, I mean, it could be a lot of things. It could just be the price of content is is sinking rapidly which is something i worry about but but i so but but you know i engaged in a negotiation uh with with the editor she was she was uh 22 years old and so i said you know hey i've got a little more experience uh than you do i think and and and i think maybe i should be able to do 2 000 words and graphics you know because i think. And I think maybe I should be able to do 2,000 words and graphics. Wow.

Because I think that for this piece in particular, you're going to need a lot of charts to really understand what the impact would have been in terms of box office, in terms of stars, and in terms of the distribution of awards. And so I was able to secure a contract with her. We've been back and forth.

And right now it's running around 3,500 words right now. And I've only hit 2012 in terms of impact. So I might end up taking the essay Same year, 2019, The Widowmaker. And turning it into a book proposal and then sending that to harper collins you say like that uh the person working at there was 22 like

surprised but it's called refinery 29 because when you turn 29 you are sent to a refinery you yes yes and then they take out yeah they they take out all your blood. They make you real dry. Yes, and your bones are refined into gelatin. Right, and then they use that gelatin and they put it in a mold for a while and then they get a new 22-year-old after a few months of incubation. And that model has worked very well for them.

It's not a perfect system, but it's a damn good one. And if you think you could do better, I'd love to hear it. I don't think anyone's out-contenting them. I haven't read a sharper critique of Joss Whedon's work 20 years later. I'll say that right now. I haven't gotten my news anywhere else. Other than Jordan Klepper when he was on. But that is a different medium entirely.

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fueled up and feeling good all day long how many add-ons and what are some of them it's one big add-on and it's you on your bed you're so tired after you eat my meal the promises the meal makes us sleepy you've been pushing that so much you're saying that you will be added on to your bed yeah your bed plus one that's the opposite of what this is supposed to do it's supposed to help you stay a lot of these i know give you a ton of energy they have like smoothies and things like that. This is wrong. Reservation for two?

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and that includes body-based conversations. What does it mean when you drop someone off after a nice date and they turn around at the door and they take their little index finger and they kind of draw draw it towards them. They're pulling it. What does that mean? Does their finger hurt? I wonder if they spotted a spider web or something.

They're trying to pull down the spider web. Yeah. But I've seen this too after a lot of dates. and i need i need and have needed something like babble to figure out what the heck is this person doing with their finger because it looks like a it looks like an emergency i know i was supposed to do something or how about those people that stand in the street they're kind of like they've got like almost like police clothes on. It may be police. Yeah. And they're standing in the middle. And as I'm driving and I'm cruising,

they're holding their hand up for like a high five almost. And they're really aggressively like pushing it out. And I'm like, am I supposed to pull over and get out of the car? Yes. Or just do it out the window as I'm going. That's what I've been doing. That seems dangerous. Yeah. But some of these very subtle body language cues have escaped me and many listeners, I'm sure.

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an average of $720 a year with over $500 million in canceled subscriptions. And that was, I i mean just to be fully transparent that 500 million was most of that was the the dresses well yeah i mean you're talking about hollywood memorabilia you're talking about like ornate gowns you know in some cases and so that was uh yeah that was costing me a lot a lot a lot stop wasting money on things you don't use cancel your unwanted subscriptions by going to rocketmoney.com slash the boys that's rocketmoney.com slash the boys rocketmoney.com slash the boys now jamie's you are now doing this other smart podcast, and it's about the classic books.

And the book is Fajita. Talk about this. It's Fajita. It's also by Vladimir Nabokov. He famously kept a lot of notes. You know, fascinating guy. Made his wife carry him around everywhere. Wow.

And like a baby Bjorn or something, right? Yeah. As they got older, Bjorn became necessary. But for the first 25 years of their marriage, it was just with her arms. And, you know, not a critique on him at all but his weight did fluctuate and so she was um you know but she would carry him around and he would write on these little note cards as she carried him around uh the block and he he wrote a draft um i think it's this would have been in the late 40s, kind of a meditation on what it's like being a first generation Russian in America.

And it was called Fajita. And it was, I mean, it was too controversial to publish. But after pulling some strings, I got a look at the note cards. And I, well, you'll have to listen to the podcast but i do agree it's the most fucked up thing i've ever read in my life i have a suggestion for the theme song oh yeah i'll do it right now please please please where's this going Vegeta oh fuck fuck fuck fuck I said it bad I said it bad fuck we can pick up just that piece i i have a an outro

theme song i mean i know you that's probably the way in but i have a pitch you don't have to use it but this is being recorded right we can just do that well yeah let's see if this if this is a good take we can just put that on so it's let's do it i want my baby back baby back baby back baby i want my baby back baby back baby back i want my baby back baby back baby back i want my baby back baby back baby chili's baby back fajitas chili's baby back fajitas barbecues all the way he does so wow so that that went really smoothly i don't know i mean you know i'm not trained or anything i'm very i'm quite musical you're uh but i have no training i have no not like the um technical piece of it makes no sense to me i and i think would ruin it because i'm quite musical just sort of naturally i mean i can just hear in in the way you you attacked that note with such confidence it was incredible yeah i mean i i would use

honestly either of those i think that you know sean your outro goes perfect into an ad for i mean i personally i'm going to be so comfortable recording ads being like hey uh if you're enjoying this podcast uh maybe you want some leggings that cost five hundred thousand dollars like i know that this is a my you know it's like when you listen to a podcast and it's about well the murder of someone that they don't know right but but at the end of the day and you're like oh this is so sad but then you're like wait a second should i get a hello fresh and then it's like yes you should and you know like oh this is so sad but then you're like wait a second should i get a hello fresh and then it's like yes you should and you know put in code innocent um i think that and then you get 20 there that would be a good experiment if they were like hey if you think you get 10 off if you will say on record they're innocent we'll give you 30% off wow

that's a good system and then Hayes I think I can use that intro and then I'll just correct it at the end at the beginning of every episode I'll be like he meant actually and welcome to the show and he said right after say and he actually said right after that he knew that he was wrong and that he said it bad but he did he said that right after he got nervous but the but yeah and say that was the first time i ever did it and with mine say that i panicked as well in case anyone doesn't like it say that say that I was having a panic attack actively and that I didn't even intend to sing and that that just kind of came out of me.

Do you say that I was freaking out and visibly pretty upset and like boogers were coming out and stuff? Hey, everybody, that was my friend. It was his first time doing it. His name's Sean. That was Sean. and that was sean that's okay that's okay if you think if you think she's innocent um do i have a toothbrush for you now we can give some advice on the toothbrush ads if you need any guidance just sort of some do's and don'ts that

we've encountered oh okay i would love them yeah because i i i've gotten i've gotten some notes back from the toothbrush folks i'll be honest do say it goes in your mouth i have never even do okay i haven't i haven't maybe i haven't been clear enough with with my fan base about that yeah and if they say they don't want to do the ads anymore and then you just keep getting sent ads because somebody didn't get told do not tell them do the ads just act like nothing happened even if you've received two separate emails saying that they were very angry with you and did not want to advertise with you anymore that's not the email that matters the email that matters is the one that says here's the ad for this week from a totally separate person who hasn't talked to the like department in charge of those decisions

well yeah that's that's just i i guess uh logic especially if you love the product you love the you know who can relate who can relate you know i just love the products separate from any name of any product or anything would you like if you learned about your toothbrush that they were of such a superior quality and that the vibrating mechanism was so gentle yet effective that if a burglar were to break into your house like in the famous urban legend where the set of criminals shoved a family's toothbrushes up their butt while they're on vacation and then took photos of it with a camera and when the film was developed later the family uh saw that they had been brushing their teeth this entire time with toothbrushes that were in their butt,

that actually this particular toothbrush could prevent that from ever occurring because the sensation of having the high quality, and I'm not going to say the name of the toothbrush, but... No need, no need. I mean, I feel like it's implied. When you say high quality, you know what it is. Yeah, you know exactly what it is

because it starts with a Q as well. that it the sensation of having it up there would be so pleasant for the criminal that they would actually need to take it with them and not be able to complete the prank on you boy that'd make me sleep better at night yeah it feels so safe i would i would throw my nest cam in the trash and i would be able all I need is this high-quality toothbrush. And they were mad about that? And they were being babies. They were being babies. That's honestly, that's embarrassing for them.

They were rip shit. They fucking rip on you guys? They went rip shit. I gotta be honest. They liked us a lot. they liked us a lot they liked us a lot but it was because we were uh you know we we were we were we were sucking up we were sucking up big time i needed extra tops so i started sucking up they sent me my tops. I recorded an extra ad. I'm like, hey, thanks for the tops, guys.

And they said, hey, no problem. What's the hook is it? I got a ton of tops. I got a cabinet full of tops. I'll see if I can talk to them. One second. We have to do one of these books, smart podcasts. We are doing doing it it's an emergency and we

need to because we're dying right okay so what what are we so i'm playing the tambourine i think kevin is kevin are you playing a tambour i just keep hearing tambourine sound the listener won't hear it though i put my tambourine plug-in on it's it's called d-tamb it's a it's a soundboard that's really loud for us going on yeah i need perfect concentration to execute this podcast this is okay i remember what this is this is kevin and this is really problematic in my opinion kevin wants to be known around town as Jeffrey Tambourine. Kevin, I mean, maybe that would have been fun a couple years ago. I know.

But certainly not now. It's not funny anymore. No. Oh, that's so, that's honestly, I mean, there's just, I have a small list of people in my head that I'm like, that would be so disappointing. And there it is. He has this song. Kevin is on that list for me.

It would be so disappointing. This song called Jeffrey Tambourine Man that he does in this deal. And he's like, hey, Jeffrey Tambourine Man, play a song for me. Larry Sanders and Arrested and Transparent Rule and it's like I agree those are three good shows but

I don't know why you want to associate yourself with that person in particular it's just not I don't know Jason Bateman likes my song and Will Arnett they defended it oh yeah on smart list well you know okay kevin that's that's a big letdown and it's gonna end and honestly i think something that that you should keep in mind is that affects your friends too and that you know they want to

be involved i only have one tambourine i could buy more well well now anyone who's posted you to maine has to reconsider you know and then there's gonna have to be a new plug-in to get you off of maine this is sunny all over again you gotta get scrubbed from maine i'm the sunny well yeah wouldn't be the first time there well we had to you already had to scrub you know all of your yours and sunny's collaborations and so when i think the youtubers find it it's gonna start making essays it's all gonna make sense they're like well these guys were working together in the mid-2010s sunny convinced me i was the refinery 29 circuit boards are gonna crash

servers were all overheat. Yeah, I have to confirm a few things, and then I have to send out some proposals because being early to this essay means that they'll get you $50 in three months, which would be really big for me. I have a question that involves a little bit of number crunching, and just because we do have someone who is genius level on here, I wonder if you can figure out.

In terms of individuals in this country who are responsible for the spread of COVID-19, would you say that our president is rapidly approaching Sonic the Hedgehog levels? Ooh. And if you could crunch the numbers on this that would be great now i'll do a little bit of crunching i will say that that's a refinery 29 essay right there sonic the super spreader yes that's exactly i i was i would say say that at this point, you might as well just say it. We're all thinking it, and you might as well just say it.

And I think that, yeah, you should. I would recommend disseminating that news as quickly as humanly possible. Okay. And when you put it that way, it kind of all brings it into sharp focus for me. Suddenly you go, maybe this guy's not doing a very good job.

I mean, he's practically... He's practically a bad ass Sonic. I totally agree. I totally agree. I think you got to get good graphics for that. If you fumble the graphics on that, I don't think that the message is going to be very clear. If Sonic would have just worn a mask...

Things would be so different. Whatever. It happened. It's impossible. That would also have been easier for them to fix the first one than the second one. No, they spent all this money redoing the teeth or whatever. It's like, don't put a mask on me. Yeah, if he had just been wearing a mask

and staying inside, we could have avoided so much. I think that, yeah, it would have set a better precedent if Sonic had just stayed the fuck inside for that movie. Sorry to swear on the show. Gotta go fast. How about gotta stay home?

Gotta stay home and socially distance, even from my roommates. Could have saved a lot of lives. I mean, when I watch Sonic, I'm like, Sonic and James Marsden, they're a little too close. They're a little too close for my taste. Who directed that one? Was that...

That was me. That was your boy. That was you. I was at the helm for that one wow that was your dude your main dude right here i was uh on the ones and twos and so yeah sean physically removed every one of Sonic's original teeth. Wow. For the reshoots? Mm-hmm. That's impressive. I mean, I admire the hell out of that.

That, to me, is on the same level. I mean, it's on the same level as when the star plays two parts instead of one and he's playing his own brother and you're like, now wait a second. Who's in the reverse shot? And it's,

but then the movie is so good you forget. Yeah. What did you do with the teeth? Oh, what did I do? I mean, I grabbed my Leatherman Skeletool and I pried them out. But like, what did I do with them afterwards? Yeah.

Put them under my pillow. Oh, nice. Do anything? I'm still waiting, you anything? I'm still waiting. You know, I'm still waiting on that. I'm dropping hints around the house. Well, it'd be nice if Tooth Fairy would... I'll say this because we've talked about it.

They stink. They now absolutely smell like shit. They smell really, really bad. Yeah. They've been there since... They were made out of fish just for budget reasons. They were comprised mostly of

fish meat. Pressed fish. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. It just reads on camera. It's like how ice cream on camera is often just a scoop of mashed potatoes because like the way the light hits it. It reads the same to the lens and you don't have to worry about it melting. And so, yeah, it was just easier.

I bet it was a nice treat for Sonic as well. I mean... Sucking on fish meat. Yeah, every once in a while he could suck out one of his own teeth. Mm-hmm. He could work through lunch that way. That's nice. Mm-hmm. You'd think they would have been easier to get out. Okay, Sonic, can you Sonic's gonna take lunch?

Can we take one second for lunch for Sonic, please? And then he would just suck on his mouth really hard? Is that... Wow. Yeah. What's a book that we do and we'll just do it for one second? Smart book podcast. Okay.

Well, okay. I don't have any books in this room. Let's see. Don't be making fun of me, please. I don't have any books in this room. Let's see. Don't be making fun of me, please. I don't, you know, okay. And she didn't see any of the submarine movie, and I'm really sorry to do this, but you have to have a book.

I do feel like... When you're in these situations, if you talk about doing smart show, you have to have a book in your room. You're right. You're right. You're right. But for me,

I have so many books that they're in a library and that's just a whole separate room. I don't need books in my bedroom. Nice recovery. I'm not insecure. I don't need... Oh, what am I going to do?

Read a book in my bed? No way. Here, we can do this one. They're all digital. I have so many books here. You got a book? Okay. We can do this one.

This one is called Spaceman's The Ultimate Book. Mm-hmm. Oh, yeah. We can do a podcast about this. Okay. So how do you... Like, you read it? You read it uh you read it or yeah you read it

first and then you have uh you have your friend before anything you don't do it you don't do an episode that's like okay here i go or opening it up hey what's well here's the copyright date if you sort of if you sort of know what happens you can just kind of be like no this is probably what it's about and then just go back and skim and check just be like oh i think i was pretty close and then no one no one listening is going to read the book that's interesting because they listen to the show they listen to the show for me to tell them what the book is about this is called called Spaceman, the Ultimate Book. So I have to assume that it's a biography of James Marsman, Sonic's friend.

Is it a biography, autobiography? I don't know. I haven't read that one. He checks in every once in a while. It's mostly biography. He just verifies. James Marsman here. It's in a different font.

Yeah. Okay couple pages. James Marston here. It's in a different font. Yeah. Okay. Okay. And then what's your angle? He's hanging on the top of the page. He can actually physically interact with the book. So he's getting stuck in the middle sometimes. And he's like, holy smokes.

Let me out of here. He uses Cyclops powers. Splits the book in two halves. Whoa. So what are you going to talk about on the podcast then? The book sounds fucking awesome. And like you say, there's a part that says James Marsden is unhappily divorced. that's like it says james marsden is unhappily divorced and he takes his cyclops powers and takes the un and he lasers it

the book starts burning in your hand actually i'm very happily divorced i really like i mean that's i don't even know if that's true i don't know if anything in this book is true no i don't i i don't think I learned anything, but I had a blast. I mean, you watch him go on a journey, right? He's on his journey, and that's kind of more what matters. He goes to journeys. He does go to journeys at the sneaker store. He gets some Rocket Dog shoes.

I bet he takes a little hat hook himself. He doesn't wait for an employee. He takes the hat hook himself. He says, no problem, I've got this. And then he gets the hat right on top and just tosses it over his shoulder. No problem. He is the worst.

I just looked. Is it happy? Does it specify on Wikipedia whether it's happy or unhappy? I didn't mean to talk about that. Wait, let's see. I didn't know if any of that was real. Well, it says in parentheses, happy, happily. Okay, good.

Yeah, so it seems like it's probably not a big deal. Not a big deal. I wouldn't worry about it. It seems he's gone on the record and people yeah get pissed at me it's like okay so yeah you think james marston should have to stay married forever no matter what is in his best interest or best interest of his family okay i actually think he should be able to do whatever he want oh well if you bring up james marston's marriage people are people are just immediately going to come right at you and say well humans don't necessarily mate for life. The mob

gets their pitchforks. Yeah. So toxic. So toxic. Yeah it's like Sonny's fan base. What is this march of the freaking Mr. Popper's penguins over here? Holy shit.

Dude really cool question. When's this new show come out yeah what time oh why it comes out at the end of november what time don't say the end of november oh i know i don't want to make you think about it this can i just say this month is going to feel so long sometimes i'm like is it october 312 yes and like what's a month and it's like october 512 that's what's been a problem with the marketing for this show is i say it comes out in late november and then everyone always responds with oh no not november don't even make me think about november and then they shut it off they just shut it off before they i can shut off you saying that they they shut it up they shut me out they kick me out they hang up by any means necessary they stop engaging it comes out in late november and and we can be assured that sunny will be punished by them

correct sunny will uh yeah it's impossible to know you know where where uh where things are going to be with sunny uh things are well i think it would be good if you pledge that sunny would receive a major punishment on Mike certainly between now and the the punishment that Sonny receives does not have to be on Mike because I don't want to just yeah I don't want I you know I don't want to just uh berate my dog on Mike for a vulture write-up right you know I'll take you at your word that the punishment will be severe, but I think that promise would mean a lot to your listeners. I worry about giving him too much of a lead and knowing a punishment's coming

because then he might just run away. So I don't feel comfortable making that pledge at this time, but I will say that there is a pledge forthcoming. And if you follow me across all social media platforms that's where i'll be giving updates on when the punishment is going to be happening uh whether there is going to be a live stream link or whether it's actually going to be kept privately um in the family the sonnish man wow yeah it depends or i might just throw him to the skunks it's kind of

impossible to know what's gonna happen feed him to a skunk yeah he got sprayed in the mouth and the eyeballs by a skunk the other day but he just he just stinky stinky eyeball mode yeah his eyeball still smells like a big skunk ass. But it is what it is. Take a big whiff. Goodbye. Goodbye. It's outward manifestation of an inner condition

if you ask me. Goodbye. Bye. Hollywood Handbook.