Hollywood Handbook - Janet Varney, Our Beloved Friend

Episode Date: November 1, 2022

JANET VARNEY workshops a big stunt for The Boys to make them beloved.Watch the video recording of this episode at Patreon.com/TheFlagrantOnes.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

this is a head gum podcast can you hear me right now haze i'm hearing you right now i'm hearing you now yes okay you hear me i think so i mean this is what's been so crazy is this like journey that I've been on. Yeah. With this hunk of junk. Yeah. It costs thousands of dollars, right? This like and it's a company that I won't name because I don't want to give them any more attention than they've already soaked up with all their antics.

But it's a name of a fruit that someone could eat. And it's making computers. And the computers, guess what? Don't flipping work, Hayes. None of them work. They've never worked work they've been my experience too they're all they've never worked and nobody else makes any so you have so here are your choices the fruit cup the broken fruit company and nothing guess which one i picked both i guess because the burger fruit company is nothing

yeah so anyway the headphones don't work which is just a little important because i'm a famous podcaster so headphones yeah i guess um yeah i guess that is basically my hammer and nails well janet that's how i cracked it's it's the headphone hole right it's the headphone hole headphones work i could plug them into something else though i don't know what that would be since nobody else makes anything anymore we used to make things in this country we used to make things so the headphone hole has a blockage. And let's talk to Janet. I want to bring Janet in right away.

Okay, great. Janet Varney. JV. JV Club host. What episode is this for us, Kevin? 480... 472. Oh, we're so close.

Guys, we're so close. We're just swimming in Janet's wake wake the jv club is on what 480 i think it's i think we're in the early 90s i think we're in the 490s yeah yes wow what's that like guys it is gonna get so good in about 10 episodes you guys are gonna feel what i feel which is you're at the top at the it's the shitty roller coaster that is probably made by that same fruit company because i think they're behind much more than we've been saying uh where you get the view of everything before the 500 mark which is just a crash, just a huge crash. Your stomach sinks.

The breaks give out. Is that right? Because I was told when we first started this thing that it takes about 500 episodes to get your feet under you and really feel like you know what you're doing. And I have been feeling close. Yes, yes, yes. Of course, when you're feeling close, that's when your fruit company machine breaks. Uh-huh. Mm-hmm.

And how do they sign up for the roller coaster? Like, it's all a scam to, like... Yes. You need your computer to sign up. Yep. To get on even the wait list for the roller coaster. Oh, you have to go buy this entire whole computer. Oh, you need the yearly pass for the theme park that the roller coaster is at and that's just

a thousand dollars i see this is what i gotta stop you and i feel like this is just a naive thing on your part it's not your fault but if you're going to say the word say that again if you're going to say the word thousands i think you've passed the need to mutter it you know what i mean and i know you might be that your headphones are i think he is saying it it might be that your headphones are so messed up yeah it's yeah so the head so your problem with the headphone hole is affecting our ability to hear you and even though the headphones are totally unconnected to the microphone see that makes sense to me also the headphone hole sounds like an 80s throwback like music store like in the hate where you can go in and like listen to old albums in like chairs that maybe have more substances on

them than you'd like to think about headphone hole what happened to those chairs what they do to we used to sit in those chairs i would get in those chairs i would put on an unsanitized set of used headphones no wipes around nothing i would put those on my head yeah close to my mouth actually they were so big they got all the way into your cheeks. And I would sit back and I would put on the new Harry Nilsson album. Listen to him destroy his voice. God, you were so much older than I thought you were. Yeah. Just very, very identified. I'd put on Bread, Bread's greatest hits.

Oh my God, Bread. Bread. Could I name a bread song? Could I? This is also reminding me of speaking of furniture that bad things are done on. I was looking into the possibility of renting an Airbnb for Sketch Fest this year

because I keep thinking maybe I'm going to do that. Good luck. Yeah, talk about Sketch Fest. Rather than staying in a hotel. Yeah, talk about Sketch Fest, everybody than staying in a hotel. Yeah, talk about Sketch Fest, everybody. I fell into the rabbit hole. And by the way, a rabbit hole is one of the places you can stay on Airbnb because they have a lot of really unique properties.

Yeah, and it's like this amazing experience. Yeah, it's all about the experience. In a rabbit's hole. Don't do a rabbit's hole. Yeah, one pill makes you smaller. The one pill makes you smaller the one pill makes you smaller there are a couple of places couple of places on the front page i just have never like i was waiting for my message from the person telling me they were not going to give me a discount

for 21 days at which i you know moved on i was waiting for that message to load because i got the alerted to come in and And so I was, you know, sort of staring at the homepage, which I don't think I've ever done. And I've been missing out. And there was like, the very first thing I saw was like a missile silo in Roswell

that has been converted into a home that you can go stay in. And it's terrifying. You sleep on a missile. You sleep on a missile. You sleep on a missile with zero, like, you could, they are showing off the pictures

of the giant cavity that you could easily tumble into and fall the depth of a missile to your death. And how they make you clean the missile afterwards. And you have to clean the missile afterwards. That's so frustrating where it's like wait a minute you show up to the missile silo and there's that whole binder of how you have to use the like well and it's all the launch shower to clean off

they've got a binder full of launch codes that like everything requires a launch code you want to open the fridge launch code you want to open the sofa bed because I don't know if there's a real bed there launch code and then there was a different place that was a that was a flying saucer VHS launch code oh listen you want

to watch Temple of Doom on laser disc go to the flying saucer home that I saw right underneath the missile silo this is all just to attract weird UFO nerds and cosplayers. And that's when I realized the furniture, as I scanned through the little setup they've created, which included showing a rack of costumes that you can put on like a Jedi robe and stuff.

And then you scan past that photo and then you look at the furniture in there and you're like, so much nerd sex is happening here. There's no way that this place isn't like, oh my God. I hope it does because that's got to be the only upshot of what the amount of cleaning you have to do to that little unit afterwards. I mean, it is. It's rough out there, everybody.

You shouldn't be allowed to do that. It's either you're a nerd or you're not. That's right. That's right. Which is it? afterwards i mean it is yeah it's rough out there everybody shouldn't be allowed to do that it's either you're a nerd or you're not that's right that's right which is it that's right you're gonna be a nerd be a nerd and be alone like me yes and also like the reviews i got real into the reviews and the reviews are like every other one it will be like my kids had such a great time, which you're like, oh, that is why you would rent this place. Like, of course, your kids loved it. But then the very next one down is like, my 47-year-old husband and I took a romantic getaway. And you're like, oh.

We both wore the same costume at the same time. Yeah. Yeah. And then the next people in there, children, just kids. Disgusting. Yeah. Speaking of the old days of San Francisco. Wonderful.

Very, very romantic. Speaking of the old days, when I used to hang out in the hate, Sketch Fest actually had sketches. Oh, yeah. It was actually about the sketches. Yeah. Before we sold out to big comedy, it was all about the sketches yeah before we sold out to big comedy it was all about the sketches now it's all stand up and like sometimes an improv troupe and sometimes a live

podcast record uh-huh you're appearing at sketch fest are you appearing at sketch fest uh i guess i yeah i am appearing at sketch fest but that's also it's my that's my child that's what i have a child i heard that a scout from adam.com is going to be in the audience of some of the shows what yeah now this is not confirmed but i got an email i have my little elves out there doing doing their work and i got an email a little birdie told me that there's a scout from adam.com okay wow not adam.com no a-t-o-m because the comedy is atomic right the. The laughter is explosive. Yeah. That's one of the primary short subject platforms on the entire web.

And it's still thriving? Oh, my God. JV, have you not been on there lately? I haven't been on there lately. I actually moved on to nuclear.com where the half-life of the comedy is very dangerous. Oh, wow. You're still laughing about

videos. I have cancer. But in a great way. Just from Fallout. Just from comedy Fallout. As a professional podcaster, anything? Any advice on this uh headphone hole yeah i think you're gonna have to you might have to go with a different company

and spend there are no thousand dollars thousand dollars we already looked there's there's no there's no other company and those are cost even more dollars and there isn't even another one you're gonna if you're going with a different company you're going to be paying even more dollars for a bunch of gaming equipment a bunch of live streaming gaming equipment that involves also like it will be a headset like your microphone will be a headset and the camera will be so much nicer than you need it to be and you may still have a problem with the headphone hole. Unbelievable. So good luck. I can't believe

it. Yeah. All my hard earned Salvador Dalliers. Uh-huh. Which, by the way, he foretold this food company, didn't he, with the technology melting everywhere. That's right. And the man with the man, the fruit man. And the man. That's a really good point. The man, the fruit man.

The fruit man. The fruit man. Is he the fruit man? He was trying to tell us when he did that fruit man. Uh-huh. Yes. He had a message for us, didn't he? He is the fruit man.

It was him. The fruit will become your head. Your head will become filled only with the fruit. Yeah. Yeah. Gone are the days where you pick up a banana and pretend you're getting a phone call this is your you yourself will be fruit you put an entire fruit over and now people do that they're like yeah this is normal yeah me like like basically like i have this fruit held up because my ear all the time so now you

people don't even laugh when you do that anymore oh no no they say yeah that's right that's correct that's normal to me yeah that's good that you're doing that i'm doing it too people need to remember how how much peter gabriel was involved in the face fruit movement too because at least one of his music videos from the 80s involved a face that was made out of fruit i think yeah he had a message for us gallagher gallagher was trying to tell us something as well right gallagher was trying to tell why they said that's why they had to get rid of him well they sort of did isn't it his brother still at it well so that's so that's the secret that most people don't know that's actually his brother they put his brother in they said this guy we need to get out of the picture yeah and now his brother gets to be him

yeah what a vast conspiracy behind the gallaghers he doesn't people i don't know if you've seen his show lately he pets the fruit now oh shit hold on he doesn't like he he's like he's he loves the he doesn't like smash it destroy it classic vegan comedy he gives it little kissies he hugs and kisses it he hugs and kisses it and falls asleep with it on people and that's the show i would pay to see that that's a show now i guess no i've gone that's sketch fest now yeah that's sketch fest no more sketchesing asleep with a piece of fruit that you hug and kiss. Let me tell you what. If they're still giving out that Andy Kaufman award, he's getting it.

For petting a fruit and falling asleep with it, and then you just watch someone sleeping on stage, she's getting that award. Andy Kaufman is in the spin cycle in his grave right now. With what has become of SketchFest. No, he's drilling a hole from his cover to the center of the earth he's spinning so fast. Yes. Because if he was here, SketchFest would be all sketch. It would still mean something.

It would still mean anything. Or if it wasn't sketch, that would be the sketch. Him not doing a sketch would be what the sketch was oh my god you're so right uh yeah that's the statement that's and this shows kaufman ask i i mean i i mean we don't shy away from that comparison we're we're carrying the banner. The baton's been passed. We just subvert what you expect. All these other podcasts, they go in,

they know what they're going to do. They make sense what they're talking about. They're being funny. They're saying things. They're giving you information. They certainly are. The guest is comfortable. The guest is enjoying themselves.

Yes, yes. But would Karyn do that no me think no no hollywood handbook this week on the patreon carl and asan discuss what position they'd play in the nfl the boys celebrate their 250th pro version and the flagrant ones are mostly talking all things basketball check out all these shows and the video for today's episode with Janet at patreon.com slash the flagrant ones. Eating better is easy with factors. Delicious, ready to eat meals.

Every fresh, never frozen meal is chef crafted, dietitian approved, ready to go in just two minutes. Speaking of ready to go in just two minutes speaking of ready to go in just two minutes chef kevin is here with his new show the chef kevin factor where he creates fresh never frozen meals now this is different kevin i just want to i just want to establish it's none of this like here's a like a pile of ingredients like this is the meal yeah it's not a recipe okay this is the meal you cook the full meal for us now okay yeah you don't just send us a bunch of stuff you had laying around in your cabinet you're actually doing the cooking and there are 35 different options to choose from every week including calorie smart

protein plus and keto which is this it's a little bit of all of them okay okay it shouldn't be there are also more than 60 add-ons to help you stay fueled up and feeling good all day long how many add-ons and what are some of them it's one big add-on and it's you on your bed you're so tired after you eat my meal. The promise is the meal makes us sleepy. You've been pushing that so much. You're saying that you will be added on to your bed. Yeah.

Your bed plus one. That's the opposite of what this is supposed to do. It's supposed to help you stay fueled up and feel good all day long. A lot of these, I know, give you a ton of energy. They have smoothies and things like that. This is wrong. Reservation for two. Me walking in my bedroom. What's the second?

It's you and your bed. I guess Clippy. Fuel up fast with Factors restaurant quality meals that are ready to heat and eat wherever you are. Pancake smoothies and more. Discover a wide variety of easy options for the entire day like breakfast, midday bites and more. No, we didn't even. This is not even up for consideration so let's just hear what the actual meal what was the food i don't want to go to bed it's very simple it's one

huge chicken nugget sign up and save we've done the math factor is less expensive than takeout every meal is dietitian approved to be nutritious and delicious head Head to factormeals.com slash theboys50 and use code theboys50 to get 50% off. That's code theboys50 at factormeals.com slash theboys50 to get 50% off. Be a better you in 2024 with Babbel, the science-backed language learning app that actually works. Don't pay hundreds of dollars for private tutors or

waste hours on apps that don't really help you speak the language and the question that i always get people stop me and they say like hey i like i i trust you i know like you when you endorse a product it's something that you really use and care about but there's one language that i'm trying to learn and that's body language so can babble teach me body language yes babble now has visual in-person lessons part of their quick 10-minute lessons that they do for other languages handcrafted by over 200 language experts to help you start speaking a new language in as little as three weeks. Babbel is designed by real people for real conversations

and that includes body-based conversations. What does it mean when you drop someone off after a nice date and they turn around at the door and they take their little index finger and they kind of like draw it towards them? They're pulling it what does

that mean does their finger hurt i wonder if they spotted a spider web or something they're trying to pull down the spider down yeah but i've seen this too after a lot of dates and i need i need and have needed something like babble to figure out what the heck is this person doing with their finger because it looks like a it looks like an emergency i know i was supposed to do something or how about those people that stand in the street they're kind of like they've got like almost like police clothes on it may be almost yeah and they're standing in the middle and as i'm driving and i'm cruising they're holding their hand up for like a high five almost and they're really aggressively like pushing it out i'm like am i supposed to drive get out of the car yes or just

do it out the window as i'm going that's what i've been doing. That seems dangerous. Yeah. But some of these very subtle body language cues have escaped me and many listeners, I'm sure. Babbel's tips and tools are approachable, accessible, rooted in real life situations, which I have all the time, and delivered with conversation-based teaching so you're ready to practice what you've learned in the real world. Studies from Yale, Michigan State University, and others can't feel good to be others there. Continue to prove Babbel is better. One study found that using Babbel for 15 hours is equivalent to a full semester at college. Babbel has over 60 million subscriptions sold. All of their 14 award-winning language courses are backed by their 20-day money-back guarantee. Here's a special limited-time deal for our listeners right now.

Get 55% off your Babbel subscription, but only for our listeners at babbel.com slash the boys. Get 55% off at babbel.com slash the boys, spelled B-A-B-E-L dot com slash the boys. B-A-B-B-E-L. B-A-B-B-E-L. B-A-B-B-E-L.com slash the boys. B-A-B-B-E-L. B-A-B-B-E-L.com slash the boys. Rules and restrictions may apply. With Babbel, we can't promise it'll always be easy,

but you'll always be glad you did it. Kind of like this podcast, except it is easy for me. Hey, guys. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that finds and cancels your unwanted subscriptions monitors your spending and helps lower your bills you can see all your subscriptions in one place and if i see something i don't want i can cancel it with a tap i never have to get on the phone with customer service the subscriptions are insidious they're the scourge of

our modern life and you never realize what you're subscribing to or that you're still being charged i know that i was about 19 dresses into receiving each one of the 27 dresses from the movie 27 dresses before i did not cancel and i you know buy like dress 14 15 i think it starts to become clear like these aren't the dresses oh no they were not from the movie they didn't resemble anything from the movie they were not they were either way too big or way too small for a human yeah and one of them was a dressing yeah one of them was it was it was a vinaigrette it was a raspberry vinaigrette it was a french raspberry vinaigrette dressing oh they'll even try to get

you a refund for the last couple months of wasted money and negotiate to lower your bills for you by up to 20 all you have to do is take a picture of your bill and rocket money takes care of the rest they have over 5 million users and have helped save its members an average of 720 a year with over 500 million dollars in canceled subscriptions and that was i mean just to be fully transparent that 500 million was most of that was the the dresses well yeah i mean you're talking about hollywood memorabilia you're talking about like ornate gowns you know in some cases and so that was uh yeah that was costing me a lot a lot lot. Stop wasting money on things you don't use.

Cancel your unwanted subscriptions by going to rocketmoney.com slash the boys. That's rocketmoney.com slash the boys. Rocketmoney.com slash the boys. Hollywood Handbook. Janet, let me share a conversation that has been having this. Oh janet varney's coming on the show oh i love janet oh she's the best janet oh my gosh janet's so amazing oh say hi she's oh i saw oh i saw janet on this thing oh my god i love janet so much oh i'm jealous you get to hang out with janet and i don't yeah and then we had all tracks i look into the numbers

on this i'm like what's actually going on here yeah right yeah and so i i have kevin pull up the the files and print them out okay great q rating is through the roof yeah Approvals are... I mean, some of these guys are underwater. We don't have a metric for what's going on with you at this point. The rubric's been smashed.

Yes. Kevin, go a little deeper into these numbers for me. What are we seeing here? Give me some of the numbers. Overall, Janet, you're scoring a seven out of eight. Right? Great. And that feels like you're just kind of flaunting it in our face,

like you could be an eight at any time. I'm prancing around with seven Qs. I have seven Qs. That's like more than the alphabet has of Qs. It's more than everyone else put together. I guess it is. Everyone else. Why am I so likable?

Yeah, so beloved. What is going on? Well, I want to know what's going on too. And what I need from you, and I don't know exactly how you started it, but basically you're being selfish. We want in. It cut us in on some of the cues. And we need to do something drastic.

Because what's going on for us is when somebody mentions like, I assume that when you mention that you're going on the show is when somebody mentions like i assume that when you mention that you're going on the show people go like oh god i'm sorry you got to deal with that ah jesus christ they don't even tell me that oh no please oh i'm gonna throw up and yeah we can't have that that's not sustainable for us right um so you remember at like every other year like tom cruise used to jump in like the tiger pit at the zoo and save a little kid or something remember that would happen all the time that's in the past i can't expect that from him anymore i think he does some stuff maybe last time he like um rode a motorcycle into flames pulled pulled out a tiger or something.

But they go, oh, he's as hero as he is in the movie. He's in a Tom Cruise movie. Yes. And so there's- Meanwhile, seven Scientology interns are like spit polishing his sneakers. But yes.

Yes, yes. For, yeah yes yes for yeah for four people contain nobody's perfect nobody's nerfect we can we can dig into the into the edit on this we don't take a side on that okay okay good we don't good good we're not saying like we love that whatever is like is happening they there like that's great yeah like neither not taking aside means yeah you don't have exactly we don't talk about it at all that's you're on your way to getting more cues because i would say that the the best thing you can do to earn those cues is to just be as bland as possible. This is what you're seeing with my reputation is a reflection of utter blandness.

I'm talking Independence Day Bill Pullman blandness. Nothing. Giving nothing. Yeah. But you also, and this is where it gets tricky, you somehow have to give nothing and be super bland but reflect back on the person that you're with in some shot that some in some way that makes them shinier so you have to be a dull but you still have to be a mirror you have to be a dull mirror imagine smearing crisco on a mirror. And that's what you need to be. And that's where the Qs live, my friends.

I did it today. You did today? Imagine I did that today. Yeah. Great. Fried mirror. I was going to cook mirror eggs. Uh-huh.

Yeah. Somewhere on YouTube, someone smeared Crisco on a mirror and lay it in the sun and fried some eggs. You're going to tell me that didn't happen? It also helped, you know, the go-go dust. When you cut that up on the mirror, putting a little Crisco on there first just helps

the digestive process. Just like helps it go down a little bit easier. Interesting. Okay. You know how sometimes it's like sharp and like it just makes's a little easier on the old schnaggerino as well. Huh, okay. You know how sometimes it's like sharp and it just makes it a little slippier. Yeah, a little raw.

It's like, you know, Chris Go doesn't hurt to kind of smooth things over. I guess. Well. Again, no guesswork involved. We're out there. We're out there actually conducting these experiments great it's not working for us to do what you're describing okay we we need a big stunt

yeah we need some maybe we can do that after once people are regarding us uh okay as like the people from the big famous stunt we did okay okay but we need something to kind of kick start the entire enterprise and then sure i'm happy to be bland and as people are going like oh wow you did the famous save you're the hero like tom cruise in the movie and then i'll be saying like, oh, or something bland. Okay, I have an early idea. Was that too much? No, and here's what I would say. There are a lot of fundraising platforms out there now.

I'm actually concerned about the welfare of Kickstarter. Could you save Kickstarter as a kickstart to your new reputation. People are not really talking about Kickstarter anymore, are they? It used to be the thing that was like the joke specific when you were talking about something needing

to be crowdfunded. I'll give money to that Kickstarter. Exactly. And now there's like all these other ones. Now it's GoFundMe. GoFundMe is taking up all the real estate. Do you start a GoFundMe for Kickstarter? GoFundMe to save Kickstarter.

That, my friend, is a stunt. But is there a way to do it with using physical strength? Because the way these other guys are doing it is like somebody's drowning and they like yeah i think didn't wasn't this like alex rodriguez happened to be like in a boat that like someone's like drowning in the ocean and he pulled them out or something like is there a way to do that for a website because we want to come out and be like oh those guys are nice and they're very strong obviously not that yes i don't want to leave my home yeah thing want people to come out of this

being like wow they're that person's very nice and like like strong lifted up yeah i mean i mean i'd love to and this is just a this is like bad example kilbin lot and you know obviously i'm not at home why is that a bad example yeah why why is that because we don't take sides and that's like we don't think we're not gonna be like this is good this is bad yes alienate you know half the audience right so whoever you're saving it can't be anything tied to politics no in any way or killing yeah okay so it needs to be so it could be that the person someone by killing you save is bland oh wait what you know what i mean maybe and it's and i don't have the right example because bin laden's too divisive but right uh-huh but like save bin laden for now been well but if bin laden's holding someone hostage right

somebody good that's an interesting hypothetical not janet but janet would be perfect just because this is starting to make a lot of sense it's starting to make a lot of sense well just something we could save who everybody likes. That's the key. Bin Laden is holding Janet hostage. Yeah. Does Bin Laden have a brother like Gallagher has a brother? Like he now has, he's up to something, but there's a twist. He's got his own, put his own twist on it. That's so smart.

Yeah. Let me tell you what, I mean, and I understand why you don't know this. They don't want this to get out. The one they got, that was Bin Laden too. Oh, that was Bin Laden too too not that was or that was it still could have been to that was been problem that was bin laden to yes okay got it got it got like teen wolf to yes and that's why very quickly they were like oh let's like throw this guy off a ship and they're like, oh, let's throw this guy off a ship. And they were like, see, look, there he goes. Uh-huh. Okay, so someone... Yeah, right.

If not him, I'm just saying, consider this. If he's not available, is there someone else who could kidnap me that you could save me from? Well, that's it. I'm just, I'm worried that we're going to delete... I think we work around his avail yeah you do and i think maybe he's dressed you up to look exactly like him

and so as he's holding you who's who as he's holding you hostage it's a it's sort of a which one do i we have to ask him something only the real bin laden would know so let me get this straight you're asking him something only he would know so that you will make sure to kill him so his incentive to answer honestly but i would think he's not i mean i know he's got his flaws but he's not that disgusting that he would lie to our face if we asked him questions like that. I suppose if he did, then yeah, we'd be in a spot where we could potentially end up killing the wrong Bin Laden. God. And I mean, I almost don't want to give him this idea, but can you imagine he dresses up as Janet Varney?

He suddenly has... No. Imagine Bin Laden armed with Janet Varney he suddenly has no it's imagined bin Laden armed with Janet Varney's Q rating ooh danger danger the amount of stuff he could do that is really scary to me I hope he's not listening I mean I hope he is I would love to have a

celebrity fan you know but I hope he didn't hear that part I hope he was you know doing something else on his phone i am excited to read the episode description that i can only assume kevin writes and that i can only assume starts out with after the guys resurrect osama bin laden comma and then no one will read past that uh so you don't really you could just put in like that filler those that scramble of letters that fill in when you want to see what the shape of a letter is supposed to look like or

whatever kevin takes a more abstract approach to his episodes descriptions uh it's it's a very they're paywalled basically the actual like information yeah is a separate paywall that goes just to kevin so you can subscribe to i like this the full description for the episode but what you get other than that is like i've asked kevin to be more descriptive to like give him some idea like something to get them to listen and he said and he he says the same thing every time he goes he gets really close to me he goes if one wants to be remembered as tasting well one must leave them hungry for more i gotta look up your description i leave them very hungry janet so he's trying to leave them hungry for more so So it'll probably, it may not have your name in the description.

It may not even say which podcast this is. I typed in Hollywood ham-jabook. And it does seem like there is a Hollywood ham-jabook. There's a ham one. Yeah. So that might be a problem. That's probably what's happening for you guys. I had ham for lunch.

Lou Wilson, our D&D friend. The boys. Okay, the boys. He teaches the boys. The boys. The boys, okay, the boys, he teaches the boys, the boys, the boys, you have capital T and capital B? That's gonna be a problem for you right there. Amazon Video's gonna come after you. Amazon Prime Video? Amazon Prime Video is going to get you.

Doesn't matter. Does not matter. They owe us. Someone just taught you Dungeons and Dragons. It's been our our offer code for as long as i can remember okay well i guess kevin used to be our brain doesn't work yeah we used to be our offer code when we had ads the uh kevin says kevin says about his episode descriptions, help me figure this out. He says, sell the spizzle, not the steak. Huh.

What is the spizzle? What's the spizzle? Okay. I haven't been able to get a straight answer out. Yeah. He goes, you know, spizzle. Spizzle? Spzz.

Like, that's... Is that the sound of the spizzle. Spizzle. Spzz. Is that the sound of the spizzle? That's when the sound of cooking steak is also trying to get your attention. Yes. Oh, the steak has a secret. Spzz. Yeah. Spzz. Although, you know what?

I'm sorry. That's p-sizzle. That's p-sizzle. That's actually P-S. Mm-hmm. Spizzle, not spizzle. That's p-sizzle. Yeah, Kevin cooks in a way that the food goes spizz.

That's how he cooks. It's kind of spirty. Can we do something, a stunt at the zoo? Yeah, I guess keep going back to that. It seems like that tiger cage, jumping in the tiger cage gets a lot of buzz and these kids are going in there yeah these kids are

reaching for a bear or something there's like a it's like form an orderly line for these kids to jump in the in the hyena and that kid went into the tiger cage reaching for a bear he deserved what he got nothing like a cage reaching for a bear. He deserved what he got. Well, yeah. You know what I mean? Nothing like a bear.

Nothing. Nothing. Yeah, it's not. I wouldn't get him confused. And I haven't. The zoo. Are we still doing those? I guess we are.

I live not too far from one. If we're at the zoo, and I don't want to make it too muddled, but is there any way we could find that plane? You remember the plane? Which one? The Malaysian plane? The plane.

There's a couple of missing ones. Couple of missing ones. Why don't we find the plane at the zoo? We're saving the kid, and then we kind of push the tiger aside, and we go, go hang on what's that behind you tiger like what have you been behind where you've been like sleeping we couldn't see it and it's when we have the plane yeah that's great are the people have they been alive and living among the tide they're doing so good they're're doing great. Yes, they're doing awesome. They're in this little community.

Like a rabbit hole, basically. Yeah. I mean, this is good. Again, this does, and I hate to put too fine a point on it, does require you to leave your homes. You know what I mean? You said that you live right by the zoo, right? Possibly even at the zoo.

I do not live at the zoo. I cannot emphasize that enough. And I know this sounds like i'm maybe selling it a little too hard because i do live at the zoo but i do not live next to the ostrich at the zoo i do not live next to the ostrich at the zoo so i do think this is a good opportunity given that you it's fine if you misspoke but a lot of people are going to think that you live at the zoo based on this podcast. I can't control that. I cannot.

I think it's a good opportunity to issue a statement. Okay. Kevin is amazing at typing these. And so if we want to just like get the statement out right now that you don't live in the zoo. A statement. A statement. Perfect. And I see that you have a big jar of ostrich food on your desk.

What? I do? Are you talking to Kevin? I can see, I can see, Janet Vardy, that you have an enormous jar of ostrich food. And if you could just describe what ostrich food looks like. It's long food food it's giant long leggy very leggy yeah no yeah seeds like a football no i don't know what you're talking about okay i don't know all right well then let's get a statement out because it's the you know that's

the only way to put this thing to bed. Let's get this out of the way because if we're going to save you, we can't have you ruining our image. This thing's going viral madness. I'd love a first, I'd love Kevin to hear just a first draft, you know, just a, you don't have to, we're going to polish it up.

Don't worry about, you know, but I'd love to hear from you kind of what you anticipated starting out with. And based on the descriptions from the podcast episodes I've just reviewed, it's going to be too short. There's not going to be enough information in there. Please don't paywall this statement.

I'm begging you. Yeah. What are your thoughts? It starts with, dear listeners. Yeah. New line. Oh, so this statement is only reaching listeners. It's only reaching listeners.

And it's only reaching your listeners? Okay, so this is paywall. This is expected. Kevin wields the paywall. Have you read the short story, The Cask of Amontillado? Sure, yeah. That's Kevin.

Every day, I'm just trying to enjoy my amontillado. And I turn around and Kevin has nearly finished sealing me inside the wall. Oh, no. Wait, is that the cask of Amontillado that the person gets sealed up in the wall? Is that that one? Yeah. Or is that the telltale part? All I can speak to is Amontillado.

I guess, is that what happens in every Edgar Allan Poe story? At the end. Someone gets sealed up in a wall. Somebody gets sealed in. So he invented the paywall.

That's kind of cool when you think about it. effectively behind a paywall. When you look back on it and you think he invented the freaking paywall. That's a cool guy right there. He had a message for us.

Should call it the Poe wall. I would say that's cooler cool guy right there he had a message should call the poe wall that's i would say that's cooler and more lucrative than salvador dali with salvador dali with his famous with his famous melting clocks with his famous fruit man edgar wall and poe edgar wall edgar wall it's more like edgar wall and poe god i wish he was still here i wish he were still here if he heard he would have loved that. Yeah. You know what he's doing?

Holding still in his grave. Oh, yeah. No need to spin. He's holding tensely still. Edgar Wallenpoe would be holding still in his grave. So still that like a little fart might come out because he's pinching everything so tight. Yeah.

He is loving it. He had one story that we read in school which is like i guess kind of the first big detective story where what ends up happening i i might be remembering this wrong but it was that a gorilla did it uh-huh that's the big secret there's a gorilla running around yeah wow and he's he's smashed everyone yeah people in the comments are gonna say oh i wish sean told this famous long gorilla joke again on this episode and so that is also sort of a prelude to our everyday experience which is all these horrible things happening at the zoo. Right.

Which is something that we can put a stop to, provided that we actually do prove to our, I guess, our paying listeners that you do not live there. Right. It's going to, like, everything that we're building here is in jeopardy if it comes out, or at least is understood to be the case that you live at the zoo.

If it's even suspected, honestly, with any kind of credibility that you live at the zoo, we're going to be unable to increase our Q rating. We'll be unable to save you as well. Why do you think the people are so offended and upset by that? Don't you think the people think it's cool that I'm living among the regulars? because it's a betrayal because you you've been saying that you didn't live at the zoo then now you slip up and say you did live at the zoo and people are going well what can i believe anything now you basically wrote the book on on not living at the zoo and made it pretty much

your whole personality that's true that is very true i don't know i don't know all i can say is to my knowledge to my knowledge i don't live at the zoo i don't i'll say i don't remember living at the zoo i don't recall if i don't recall i don't recall living at the zoo i don't think i remember I don't recall living at the zoo. I don't think I remember having lived or living at the zoo. I mean, one thing, what I thought we could start in a fun way for the statement. Like when we start the episode? Oh, sorry, the statement. Got it, got it, got it.

This episode will not be fun. The statement could be, we could go, the zoo couldn't be me. Hey, guys. I like it. That's me. That's how it starts and i'm saying it i'm saying a statement yeah it's me jarnett vanny yeah it me yeah it me yeah hit me jarnett varney yeah so you're i see okay so you're saying that if i i misidentify myself everything I say after that is fine because I never claimed to be myself. That's exculpatory. That is genius. Genius. We're giving ourselves a little bit of wiggle room.

The last time I was at a zoo, and the reason that I pretended to move in next to the ostrich. I'm loving this was. I'm loving this was. There's nothing interesting about it other than that it was very unnerving that the ostrich paced me as I walked past it

in a way that was like, because it's like it knows that there's something special and extraordinary about it being at eye level, its eyes being at eye level with yours. So it walks along like looking at you the whole time, like, yeah at eye level with yours. So it walks along like looking at you the whole time like, yeah, you're fucking walking. So am I. I'm walking also till I get to the end of this enclosure. Then I'm out of luck. But it was very unnerving. It felt

like there was a secret shared between us that was functioning at a higher level of intelligence and spirituality than I was expecting from any animal at the zoo. And I think it's fair to say, least of all the ostrich did I expect to have a weird, a feeling of intimidation, like intelligent intimidation. Yeah.

Couple notes. I'm going to tell you what I liked about that story first, where you say, like, I was walking. We like to do a compliment sandwich on this show. I can feel it coming. There was no question that the inside

was going to be extremely painful to hear, but go ahead. I did not care for it. It's like a Dagwood sandwich. It's going to be a lot of this stuff. It's really tall with critique. I was walking. It did look at me.

This happened to me in the past. It is not happening to me right now yeah i should have made the memory fainter i can tell right now that's that is this is incredible now we come to the nasty business of the critique which is that it is so detailed that it is clearly happening to you in this moment this is harsh could you guys just spread a little Crisco on the little go-go juice laced Crisco on the sandwich as like the mayonnaise layer? Please. The Crisco is so full of go-go dust particles

that it's an extra crunch in your, like it's a crunchy sandy element. Great, great, great, great uh and so we're just gonna have to maybe work on not telling zoo stories at all or if that's not an option just like making them extremely faint to the point where the people listen to it and they're like this either didn't happen or it was so long ago that like the way she's describing this animal don't say that it like i don't accurately say that it is at eye level right and that it's i would like you to get things wrong about the zoo that make people suspect

that the actual lie is that you've ever been to a zoo right so if you could have information where like the name of the animal's wrong the shape of the animal doesn't match the name that you said you're saying things are at the zoo that are not at the zoo yeah it seems like you might have confused the grocery store with the zoo like these are these would be very powerful uh tools to kind of lead people away from the talk about the ostrich like looking at you with um it has eyes and it's with its eyes and its palms oh like i love it i love it no i did i say i meant the fennel enclosure. I don't know why. The fennel enclosure. Because the fennel has plumes that kind of, the green plumes that come out of the top of the fennel.

This is perfect. If you think about it, the shape is very similar to an ostrich. And actually, plumes are purple. And plumes are known to be purple. Yeah, and that's in a totally different section. Yeah, yeah. Plumes are wonderful. The fennel enclosure is probably more the vegetables, and then the plumes are going. Plumes are wonderful. Fennel enclosures the... Nearby the apels.

More the vegetables. Yeah. And then the plumes are going to be over with the stone fruit. I really hope someone calls them plumes. Like, that feels important right now. It feels important that someone possibly that lives near me, which, by the way, is not near or in the zoo, calls them plumes.

Can you pick me up a couple of plumes? Right, plumes? This pivot... I almost... coals and plumes can you pick me up a couple of plumes right plumes this beautiful pivot i almost like the fennel includes all this yourself people sorry buddy i almost want it for me i gave you such a good personality where people hear you talking about the zoo, trying to deny that you live there. Yeah. But it's like, okay, she clearly does live at what she thinks is a zoo, but it's actually the grocery store, which is fine.

That is a story that people can just move on from. It's so relatable. You know what I mean? Totally. It's not your fault. She lives at the grocery store. She thinks it's a zoo. Great.

We're done here. Yeah yeah all the cues are preserved you might be picking up a couple like little cue pieces off the floor oh thank you grabbing some spares yeah yeah that is a possibility for you guys if because i feel i mean i don't know if you are like you know maybe you order your groceries through a service uh but if you do go to the grocery store that's and but you're you know you don't like leaving your home creating like doing like an act of of bravery at a grocery store might be might maybe that's the stunt level we're talking about for you guys like i go to the grocery store i like to go there i go to the australia section i like to see the koalas now i don't know what you're giving away Are you giving away that you live in a grocery store?

Now I don't know what's happening. I'm bad cop. I think the grocery store, I think the zoo is the grocery store. You think the grocery store is the zoo. We are the same. All things must exist. That's why you got to be that mirror.

The yin and yang. Got to be a mirror. And the and yang got to be a mirror and the mirror is gonna have some opposites i right maybe the left i don't go to the grocery store often i do use a service as you mentioned basically um could you say the person delivering the groceries you what you can do there's a new service where they'll deliver your groceries. You basically have a funeral procession go by your house. Okay. And they, like, who cares what route they did?

They're just driving to drive. Uh-huh. And, you know, they're going so slow. So it's very easy to just redirect it right by your house. Yeah. And there's always extra food. Who wants to eat all that food? You know what I mean?

It's like a sad thing. You have to get it. No one's going to eat it. You don't go for seconds at a funeral. There's a body sitting right there. No one wants to eat the food. Yeah. I guess that's where I'm confused.

I'm just confused. Do you think that funerals are like traveling buffets? They have to. Are you under the impression that they move slowly so that people can walk up and get food from the buffet? Walk next to them and eat the food. Yeah. They go really slow. That actually explains a lot.

You just stroll on up and just grab a couple handfuls. Yeah. That actually does explain a lot. You have enough time to like there's a grill sitting there so you can take as long as you're willing to amble while you're grilling at all yeah i mean you gotta you know you gotta adjust your wardrobe a little bit you have to be wearing black uh-huh no adjustment necessary for me yeah they're kind of gonna stick out well i can see your shirt um my what now i can see your shirt okay your shirt is my black shirt you can you can see my black shirt and we've been like

we have been trying to avoid people have been pointing out the dust saying that we can see our guests clothes and things like that is like people really don't want us to do that and then that's a type of harassment it's weird that we do it as often as we do. I have come to that realization as well. It shouldn't come up that much. If it happened once, okay. It's become at this point almost a recurring segment on the show that we talk about our ability to see our guests clothing i'm ready to look in the crisco mirror and say

this is an issue on my end kevin how's the change how's the statement coming along dave was coming along great and i also have a great uh pitch too so i'll start with the statement way to oversell dear listeners the zoo couldn't be me hey guys it me okay hey guys you have to flip these flip these around please dear listeners hey guys it me jarn Varney. The zoo couldn't be me. I don't recall living at the zoo. What's up, JV? I like it. I feel like... Ending with what's up.

Well, it makes them, it invites them in to participate in the conversation. It's like, now it's time for me to listen. Here's my concern. And normally, I don't have a problem of plagiarism at all but that sounds so close to a speech that rudy giuliani has given that's my concern from ground you want to talk about a guy who saved a bunch of people yes that guy saved all of new york from terrorism that's right and i don't want to compete with them that level that you know you don't take sides i know you don't again i know you don't take

sides it sounds like you're taking a side but i know you don't take sides yeah we're not we're not taking either side rudy giuliani uniting the country in its darkest moment is not something that we there's no side to that that's like an empirical fact exactly that's the way it happened no you're right you're right why hasn't he been on SNL lately

I remember him coming on at that time and I remember it doing well yeah yeah so rude

to be like after he did all that be like okay you could do this one time right he's gotta have an open invitation pop in whenever yeah if there was one show you guys could pop into whenever you

wanted what would it be okay oh no i knew you always have these for us, Charnit. You always come in with these. I'm like, I don't want to pick. Thinking about this is fun, though. So it's a show and I can pop in whenever I want? Yes. Oh, gosh. It's delicious. Does it have to be real? Oh heavens no heavens no okay okay okay that helps

currently on doesn't matter from any era in television any era thing real or imagined anything cordon and you're talking about according to jim but you call it cordon that's an inside baseball c-c-o-r-d-I-N apostrophe. Exactly. Exactly. Well, that's a great choice. That's a great choice. Mine, of course, is The Big Brunch. Uh-huh. Dan Levy's new heartwarming reality show on HBO Max

where 10 chefs share their business dreams and one is awarded $300,000. We will be inviting. He claims his place is like the king of all meals. Yes. We will be inviting. Corden comma Jim. On this show.

To say. Sit here. Yeah. We're going to have the big brunch. We can see what you're wearing. And we're going to show, we can see all your clothes. And we're going to show,

and we're going to show, we're going to see how you act in this situation. And we're going to, we're going to show that we can behave normally at the big brunch. And have a nice brunch and just get a totally normal order. Which is an eggshell omelet. Look at you. That is a zero waste goal right there. That is a zero.

You are you've been you've become known as the guy who wants the waste. I want your leavings. I want your leavings. I want your leavings. What did you use to make that? Give me those stems. Give me the whatever you call the thing that, I guess it's still a stem if it's like on an avocado, but it's just a little belly button.

I want the umbilical cord leavings. I want all of it. I do not want anything wasted. Just an omelet. I want to lick the salad dressing went every, I do not want anything wasted. I want just an omelet. I want to lick the salad dressing out of the cap from the bottle. With the baby chickens umbilical cords. Yes. Kevin.

Well, Janet, it's time for my big pitch. Yeah. Oh, great. Okay. You're going down the escalator at the zoo and your long shoelace gets stuck right as you,

you step and it's starting to suck you down in the escalator. Who told you this happened? Who told you about that? Just stories get around. We're going to have to do a statement. We have to do a totally new statement. You clearly live at the zoo.

You scream, help! The boys come running down the stairs beside you, and they go to the base of the escalator. They hold the escalator, and it stops. And who's underneath the escalator tugging on your shoelace? I mean, I'm available, so I could be pulling it from the bottom. I'm available, so I could be pulling it from the bottom. I assume it's Tom Cruise trying to save me from, I guess, you guys?

From us. That would be so good for him. Tom Cruise killing us? He's known to start with the shoelaces. When he saves someone, he is very well known to start at the shoelace. And then, you know, hopefully the rest of the person comes along for the ride tom cruise comes flying in and vaporizes us with the fighter jet that could be incredible for us right cruising an f-14 just turning me into mist are you willing to die for a q rating are you willing to give up your lives i would love

what might be the highest q rating you could ever have to know that your highest q rating and that's true for many of us for most of us our highest q rating will come at death yes it's just that's so fucked up isn't it that's why i'm holding a living funeral for haze next week yeah what are you gonna have at the moving buffet oh yeah uh it's it's i don't i don't need to ask eggshell sean over here or plumes we talked about a lot of different food that you could say yeah the biggest complaint you're gonna get from this episode is people gonna be like i got so hungry listening to this episode you guys give me a warning in the episode description next time so i can have some plumes nearby

i was hungry send us your biggest complaint uh send us your best complaint yes who cares how big it is really put put your all into it this time. The complaints have been getting very basic. Oh, that's sad. We're seeing the same complaints a lot from week to week. I would like someone to innovate and find new things to dislike about the show. When you're writing a complaint,

think, have I seen this complaint in the comments three or four weeks in a row now? If you have, we've heard it and we're not going to fix it. Bye. Hollywood Handbook. weeks in a row now if you have we've heard it and we're not going to fix it bye that was a hate gum podcast