Hollywood Handbook - Janet Varney, Our Voyage Friend

Episode Date: November 5, 2019

The Boys and JANET VARNEY do a special episode of Voyage of the Stars. This episode is sponsored by Mack Weldon (www.mackweldon.com code: THEBOYS), My Sheets Rock (www.mysheetsrock.com/theboys), Indochino (www.indochino.com code: HANDBOOK), Untuckit (www.untuckit.com code: THEBOYS), and Liquid I.V. (www.liquidiv.com code: THEBOYS).See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. So, it was me and Brandon Flowers. And we were Flowers. Flowers, the main killer from the killers Flowers for algebra One of the baddest dudes on the planet And we were Jacking his truck up

To put huge tires on Giant monster Truck tires And we're painting Devil horns And Leather jacket monster truck tires and we're painting devil horns and leather jackets and chain wallet. Make it

a toothpick on the grill. Look at like the truck is chewing on a toothpick coming out of the hood of the car. Tribal tattoo. Tribal tattoo. Barbed wire. And we're making the truck look tough as hell so that one of the killers, thebed wire, and we're making the truck look tough as hell so that one of the killers, the main killers, can be driving around looking like a badass.

Give it that eyebrow so it's doing the rock. The people's eyebrow. We gave it the people's eyebrow over the one headlight so that it is kind of giving it to you. And as we're doing this, the police show up. And they want to arrest the cart. Yeah.

Profiling. Profiling. It looks the part, the kind of element they don't want in Brandon's neighborhood. Yeah. Brandon lives in... Pleasantville. He lives in um he's uh pleasantville he lives in pleasantville where

a lot of the cars look nice yeah and they're also older this this was new i mean this was a brand new um uh chevy tah, uh, so anyway, we get into this whole thing with the police and, uh, and I, you know, I've got to come up with the bail money for the truck. Oh,

um, and as we're on the courthouse steps, me, the truck, Brandon doing a press conference. Yes. Commissioner Gordon. And we're fielding questions and I

just something inside me, a voice inside me tells me to do this. I pop open the glove compartment of the truck and he had stolen something. Oh my god. And you learn, you know know why was it uh jade scorpion hey welcome to hollywood handbook insiders guide insiders guide to kicking butt dropping names the red carpet linebacker always this industry we call showbiz what up what up we have such a

special guest today and we're doing such a great fun. It's going to be so funny and fun to listen to for our podcast fans. Little Janet Varney. And I think it's disgraceful that they call you this. That it's calling you that. That these men say this. These men. You're little to them. This is disgrace to me.

And it ends today. JV, they say, as if you're junior varsity. And to me, you're the captain and coach of the entire squad. Thanks. Thank you. And so today you are. Thank you for systematically eliminating all of my fun nicknames. You are Big Jan.

I am so relieved. Big Jan. I'm going to be driving that truck. Big man Jan. If I'm Big Jan, there's no question I'm getting right behind the wheel. Oh, yeah. Nasty ass. Snow chains on even behind the wheel. Oh, yeah. Nasty ass. Snow chains on even in the summer.

That's right. I like to hear the gritty scrawl of the fire. Destroy the fucking driveway. Voice acting. Voice. Voice on body acting. You said voice. Voice acting.

Voice acting, yeah. Voice acting, body acting. Voice said voice. Voice acting. Voice acting. Yeah. Voice acting. Body acting. Voice on the side. Full. Yeah. A little bit. And podcast.

Yeah. What the heck? I know. What's going on? That's too many. Hold on. I'm running out of fingers here. List all the jobs.

Somebody's going to arrest me. Yeah. No. And it's true. And if it does happen, you know you can always call Devin. I do feel like I can always call Devin. I would answer. Yeah, no, and it's true. And if it does happen, you know you can always call Devin. I do feel like I can always call Devin. I would answer. Engineer Devin. I come bail you out. He will

take the rap himself. Because he did it. Let's be honest. Whatever it is, he did it. That's probably true. So you're here, Earwolf, doing a show. Oh, yeah. Do you need me to tell you what it is? Because it's your podcast. It's better for me if you do this.

Anything you're doing that I'm not doing is great. So let's just get that out on the table right now. Yes. If you have a question over whether you should do it or I should, you have to do it. Okay. Okay. All right. No, no, no have to do it. Okay. Okay. All right. No, no, no, no.

I perform while under pressure for sure. For me, one thing I'll say about this show in general that I've been trying to make clear to everyone, I am just here to observe. Okay. All right. I'm strictly here to observe. Okay. I'm not supposed to be really even talking as much as I have.

Right. So I will be taking a step back now and enjoying the show. And you really are just here to observe. You're not taking notes or anything. So you're going to be going off your own memory on the stand. Yes. When I am called in to testify as a character witness for Devin. Right.

After you are arrested for having too many jobs. Correct. for Devin. Right. After you are arrested for having too many jobs. Correct. I am going to be working from memory,

which, as we know, is a flawed machine. Yeah. Isn't it? Extremely flawed. Let's talk about the show. I can do a little sort of an intro

to help people understand it. The French refer to this concept of a bone voyage, which is a good bone voyage. Dia is a good voyage. Dia de los Muertos. And that is what we celebrate today. Yes.

Is that true? It's a bone voyage. Yes. Yes. And you are doing one of these, but it's a voyage of the stars? Yeah. I mean, in a sense, it's almost a voyage to the stars. Okay.

And why didn't you call it that instead? I don't know. At the time, you know, it's almost a voyage to the stars. Okay, and why didn't you call it that instead? I don't know. At the time, you know, it's one of those situations where we feel like the word of is not used as often as it should be. It's one of those rarities. I've been saying this. Every once in a while, you hear the word of, and you're like, that sits well on the tongue. Yeah, you don't even have to use your tongue. And the teeth sit well on the lip. For me, yeah, it's not on the tongue. It's really the of sits right on my lip for me yeah it's not on the tongue

it's really the of sits right down on my lip that vibration of your teeth hitting that bottom lip the of gives my top teeth a little kiss but two I have to do this whole thing two I'm so tired I know it's awful it's an awful word

it's an awful awful word two I'm spitting everywhere I'll tell awful, awful word. Toot. Yeah. Toot. Yeah. I'm spitting everywhere. Well, I'll tell you, it's a nightmare for audio engineers. It sucks. Nightmare. It sucks.

Speaking of audio engineers, Devin has been saying over the last few weeks that he is effectively the main character of this show. Yes. Or as he refers to it, the main stars. Yes. Do you agree with this assessment? I do. I do.

In the sense that, not dissimilar to your podcast, just having Devin there to observe, I think, raises the standards of everyone else. It's like the character of New York in Sex and the City. You're on your best behavior. Where would we be without it? You're on your best behavior when Devin's there. Or the character of New York in Is I Love New York, the show. Is that a show?

Yes, she was dating these men. Yes, you have to. We loved New York. You must. You absolutely must. You must, New York. I must so much that I should have already. Yes, you did.

You actually did. And the character of Chicago in new girl. Or the character of Chicago, just in the band. Like a lot of people, they can, you can hear it all the way. There's a through line of the city of Chicago.

Yes. 25 or six to four. Right. Is that the wait? 25. That's an area code. No, no, no, no, no. This is Chicago band.

Uh-oh. I ran up against my limited knowledge of Chicago super quick. All right. That's interesting because you sort of forced the issue onto the band. I did. I shoehorned it right in. Apology accepted. Thank you.

Yeah, so Devin is definitely the principal character of Voyage to the Stars. He's the main stars. Of Voyage to the Stars. I will say that he is, and I'm sure you appreciate this, that he's, if you were in the room with us, all bets off. No way. Right. Gross. Oh, yeah.

But he is one of those audio engineers that you, if you're the kind of person who needs the reinforcement of a live audience you can absolutely cast a glance to see if you've made devon laugh it's a very bad habit it's dangerous he needs to have more of a poker face because then i see you know ear steve bergs ear colton duns your quote- unquote Felicia Day's casting look over. Oh, did I make Devin laugh? I did. Okay. And then they're insufferable for the rest of the episode.

These people are very famous to me as people who are continually rescheduling doing this show. Yes. They live in my inbox. The more you reschedule, the more legit you are. Sort of a greatest hit of people who Kevin has texted me and said like, oh, they actually need to do or I'm going to offer them this instead is often what their name is associated with. Yes. And the offer them this instead is like a smoothie. Well, yes.

I assume he's offering them any snack they want to come on the show, but he's offering them three months out in the future. So when we hit that point, we can once again offer them another reprieve. Yeah, I will say that is I was at a show. I had the pleasure of watching a series of sketches that I was in one at the at the Groundlings. that I was in one at the Groundlings. And this writer named Gene Pack has a sketch about, like it was so painfully uncomfortable for everyone in the audience to watch because it is just a scene between two guys

who run into each other at a coffee shop in Hollywood and then the amount of emails it takes for them to see each other again. Of just like, oh, dude dude we've got to catch up like and it's and it captures the legitimacy of the emotion like it's not i think people think that flakiness in la is fake all across the board like that there's a sort of like oh it's not like you don't sincerely like the person that you're flaking on. Right. But he captured the fact that these guys care deeply for one another. And it's still three years.

And like two children that one of them has had by the time it's each other again. And it really was like, it felt like I was drinking my own poison as I was watching. And I was like, this is so everyone I know, including myself in LA, it's gross. Janet, unfortunately, we don't have the rights to describe that sketch. Oh, shit. So,

we're going to get sued to Kingdom Come. And Devin is fantasizing about the length of the beep he gets to do. Do you get any control over whether tonally it changes? Can it sort of change?

Can you match the timbre of my voice note-wise? Oh, that's good. So it is like... I could. I could vocode. He's doing deep fake. Devin gets in there with a theremin. And then this is going to be such a meme on TikTok.

It's going to be like all these kids like mouthing what they think the story was, wearing various shower caps. I don't know how TikTok works. I know what TikTok is. Yes. Right? It's on the phone.

Exactly. Egg. It's on the phone. Sound coming out. I've seen it. It's on the phone. TikTok, the morning show. It's on the phone.

Sure. Mm-hmm. Yeah. If it's on the phone, you're halfway home, I think, is what they say. Okay. Yeah. If it's on the phone, you're halfway home, I think. Okay. And can we sell that to make up the money that we're losing by describing the Groundlings sketch? You in the band, the Groundlings band? No.

The loud music right next to the stage? You're not in the band? No. No, no, no, no, no. I guess, is there a dedicated band for every show? Wow. I don't know. I guess, is there a dedicated band for every show? Wow. I don't know. I know when I was there to see a collection of sketches, they played,

Woo, I'm a rebel just for kicks, man. They did. They played it. Are you a lot? So you can sing that? That's my song. But that was my story. That was my story describing someone else's property.

Okay. Well, I guess I didn't think of it that way. Can we confront something, which is... Yeah. Yeah. We were talking about dog before the show. Yes. And you were not familiar with this dog, Tugboat, that's around the office that's very famous.

Oh, strange. Paul F. Tompkins is posting a picture of Tugboat all the time, every day, every second. Taking ownership of Tugboat in a sort of aggressive, distasteful way. Yes. I'm forced to confront the realization that you have muted Paul F. Tompkins. What is the cause

of this? The politics? We are on in-person speaking terms, but we are at a very, very intense war. Aha. A mute, quiet, silent treatment war. Nasty.

I don't look at anyone else's anything ever on social media. Unless it's whatever I open up before I say, here's this. Look at anyone else's anything ever on social media. Just your own. Unless it's whatever. Your own supply. Getting high off your own supply.

I open up before I say, here's this. And then I do not scroll. I just, that's not. And it's not like. It's a one-way street. It is a one-way street. And it's not uncomfortable. I don't want to not respond to people who are like, hey, I saw this thing that you said I should go to.

So I will look at the responses to my own tweets. But I don't have the, I can't, I don't, I can't, I, it's not like, this is where the conversation breaks down, is that when I say I don't really look at other posts or anything, then they go, oh my God, how did you manage to do that? Or like, how do you stop the addiction that or like how do you stop the addiction like how do you stop that time suck the that conversation breaks down because i'm like i don't ever allow it to start like i just don't you didn't start it because you've never been interested in

anything but your own voice i'm only interested in my own but i wouldn't i'm certainly only going to listen to this episode of your podcast but i will listen to it to see how i come off but i'll turn every time i think you guys are going to hear your voices, I turn it down. Well, I'm just here to observe, so you won't be hearing me. I've barely heard you speak this entire time. And you won't, and you won't. But you have muted Paul F. Tuckett, that's interesting.

Yeah, big time. Let's do one of these episodes, the show, we are doing more and more of these feed drops where people come on our show and then we do and more of these feed drops where people come on our show and then we do an episode of their show and it goes into the feed of this other show. And at some point we will

be reciprocated. And we will appear on someone else's show and they will in some way pay tribute to us. We've been told. So anyway. And who's telling you that? Kevin? Yeah, well. Great. Is he talking into... Hey guys,

Chef Kevin here. I wasn't listening. What did you ask? I mean, asked and answered, I think. He's a real Janet Verney of producers. Just what he wants to say, but not doing it. Yeah, get in, get out. Keep it clean.

Nothing personal. Who is your guy on the show that you do? What's the main guy? Who are you? Who's the main guy that I voice? What do I voice? Who do I voice? Everyone on the show is doing these little guys, I understand, who are fake.

Yeah, like Pokemon ripoff. Yeah. Yeah. My guys is, I perform under the guise of being a sarcastic AI. AI. Sort of,

yeah. Artificial Iverson. Because when they ask us, AI can do that, have never made that joke, will never again, assume it's going to be beeped. Sorry.

Beep that out. Great. Hayes has made a, sort of a witticism. It's like an acronym thing. There's been an issue with people blowing by my witticisms. When we blow by, your ass

will get dragged online. I mean, they'll be in those replies in a really nasty way when you're trying to check your own feed. So please do just stop. Yeah. And we acknowledge it and we celebrate it. Okay. Do we acknowledge and celebrate that we blew by or do we go back?

We actually go back and listen to the criticism. Hopefully Devin can eliminate us blowing by it. Okay. And what we'll do is erase that piece. And so as if he has just said artificial Iverson in response to AI. And then. Oh, God. That is.

What? No, I'm sorry. What? Okay. Somebody came to play. That's fucking me up right now. I just thought of that. I'm fucked up.

Oh, my God. You just fucked my ass up. That shit fucked my mind, dude. Where do you, what, how? I know, I just. Stop. I just. Do not.

Whoa. That was an idea I had just now. Stop. I'm not well. Who? You. Okay. And I need a minute.

And that is just how we celebrate Dia de los Muertos. We said these ideas off to the spirit world with an ophrenda yeah of actually acknowledging it and laughing at it beautiful that is a beautiful and honestly it felt good and flowers out on the water and i maybe i'm mixing traditions. I got to say, if we were doing that for a lot of these jokes, we would have to do so many fewer. And I see the appeal for some of these other shows of just kind of laughing and repeating the first or second joke that comes up. And then before you know it, the show's finished. It's been an hour. show's suddenly over. Before you know it, the show's finished. It's been an hour.

Whereas if you're doing the idiot thing we do, which is like try to think of something else to say to kind of keep it going and keep creating, you're ruining it for yourself and the fans. That's correct. Who is Darth

Helmet on the show? Darth Helmet is played by Felicia. Okay. I see it. Yeah. Big time. She's one of the greats. God, it would have been so cool for Rick to come out of retirement for this. We did, but we of course approached him.

And he always will tease you. Snub this. Yes! Finally! I'm so excited. I'm getting in the car. We're getting all these group texts. We have a great text thread with him. He thread with him, which is like, you know. He took a picture of himself, like, and then a little video of him. We saw him buckle a seatbelt. And we were like, oh, this shit's happening.

This is real this time. Nobody does that unless they're actually about to drive over to the studio. He's getting off on it. He did not show up. Who's Emperor Pepperdine? Emperor Pepperdine is Colton Dunn's character. Yes. Yes. Of course, he went to Pepperdine

University. Beautiful campus. Gorgeous. And he loves Emperor Penguin, so he picked the name himself. He wanted to be Pepperdine Emperor, and we were like, oh, come on. And then when you flip it, it makes all the difference. Do you know what I mean? Dude, and now, yes, because it creates this image for me of this

guy. Right. And you nailed it. That's exactly what he is. Yeah. In the show? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Perfect. Perfect. Yeah. So I play Artificial Iverson. Okay. Felicia Day plays Darth Helmet. We've established that Colton plays Emperor Pepperdine. Emperor Pepperdine, yeah.

There are a couple of other people on the show. Which one do you think plays whom? What a great question. Don't think about it too much, though. Oh, believe me, I won't. Crisis averted. Hollywood Handbook. Be a better you

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That's rocketmoney.com slash the boys. Rocketmoney.com. Hollywood Handbook. Well, we have to do our own. Devin, did you bring your little sounds? Yeah, my little sounds. Yes. I've got all the... Yeah, my little sounds.

I've got the full sound effects library I've created. Do you mean? Yeah. Yes. It's a shame there's no sincerity on this podcast because I would take this moment to say that you do an amazing job with... I'll have to cut that out.

All right, well... I have to be there. Cool. I'm cooler than you. Just use that well. I have to be there. Cool. I'm cooler than you. Just use that instead. Yeah, there you go. Great.

The library, and this comes up a lot, but the film We Are Your Friends is in some ways based on Devin and his life. You've seen this? No. Find Your Sound. No. Well, Zac Efron plays, I think his name is Cole. He's a DJ. And he's trying to make it in this music industry.

And he's struggling. It's hard. And he gets the advice to find his sound. And then suddenly he realizes his blue collar construction friend hitting the nail gun against the chunk he's recording that his uh um friend's girlfriend mentor's girlfriend played by emily ratajkowski is zipping her hoodie up and down and he's recording that. And all these sounds that are around us in the world,

he begins to realize, are his sound, if he could just assemble them the way that Devin has to make it outer space or a truck falling down or banana tree explode. Yes. Anything. And it's really cool to see yourself up on screen, huh? Yes. You know, Efron is, he's everything. It was directed by the gray-haired young cameraman from Catfish.

Oh, okay. The guy who was filming it but is also on screen the entire time. So they're not using a lot of his stuff. Jon Bernthal had offered them a job foreclosing on people's homes. Of course, his friends want to do that and make some real money. Wes Bentley is a famous DJ who's trying to kind of take him under his wing. He knows he has something. Zac Efron is able to match the beats of the music with the people's heartbeats

and then drive them up during their dancing. And you could actually see into their chest during the scene. So this is a medical program. It's both, yeah. It is definitely medical.

But anyway, I don't want to go into describing the entire film. We have to do one of these. Yeah. Yeah. But it's based on Devin and congratulations.

Thank you. And these sounds I'm looking forward to hearing outside of the context of the film. Right. Exactly. So let's do, like, is there, like, an opening song? I mean, there is. Do you want the theme? Not there. Just a little. We'll give it, and then we'll do a tiny

piece of it. Yeah. Yeah. Do your most zipper-based song. I know, right? From the show. Mm-hmm. I don't have to make it specifically zipper-based, but I can do, let's do like a little, we'll do a little sting. We'll do a little sting.

Mm-hmm. Okay. Picture the zippers. Ah. So this, okay. So what's our version of that? Hmm. I guess mine would be,

mine would have more information. First of all. Oh, you didn't pick up on some of the storytelling? No, I didn't learn anything from that. Oh, there's so much buried in there. Are you being honest? I'm sort of like very confused and bored by like just like wanting to like,

where am I? Like, what am I doing? That was Colton's character, so that's just the voice he does. Ours will be more, oh, strange. So mine would go like this. Mine goes, Space, I am an astronaut flying into space

and I am in the stars and I am going into the sun and I am going to live in the sun. Yeah. Hey, look over there. There's a star. I'm going to go see that star. Hey, check it out.

I'm friends with the star. Uh-oh. I broke up with the star. We had been dating, but now we're muting each other. So that is my story. No, it's good. And you get a sense of, oh, this is what

I'm going to listen to. Yeah. I'm going to say right now, most of that could not happen in the Midwest because it was accompanied by a metal straw, which you're only going

to find on the coast. And dating before marriage, that idea. Dicey. Not allowed. No. So that's the show That's the show

That's Voyage to the Stars And so we get into the The ship Yep ship So it's like ships flying over And I want to hear this Yep Okay cool

Is it always like this Where he's like okay Here we're Yeah So we're in space now okay we're on the ship and we zoom in through the window of the ship boy i don't okay and we see darth helmet looking out the window yes looking for the guys yes and he's like, bring me those guys. Robot, come inside here. And the robot comes in. Somebody play the robot.

Hello. What did you, what's up? I've been looking for these guys for a hundred years. And I'm going to find them. Which guys? The good guys. Okay. Computing.

Finished. Yeah. What does it say? What? Sorry. What's the question? Where are these guys? The guys hold on. Computing again. Almost done.

Sir, the guys are in the galaxy. We have to go there and find them and make the ship travel at the highest speed. Sir, we're under attack. at the highest speed. Sir, we're under attack! And then the artificial Iverson shows up probably at some point, right? I have to imagine it happens sometime.

That's gotta happen at some point, right? Yeah. Okay, artificial Iverson. Hey! What are you guys doing? What's going on? Do I have something on? What? Do I have something on my face?

Yeah. What is it? Wait. It's like... Looks like... Zoom in on it. Some kind of... It's like a cracker? Yeah.

It's like a whole cracker? How is that staying? I don't... No, I don't know. There's got to be two things on your face. There must be some sort of adhesive to keep the cracker there. And there's the cracker itself. Wait, guys, I realize this.

What's going on is this cracker has its own planet and has its own gravity. Hey, is a graham cracker a cookie? Gravity that's attaching itself to my face. Wait, hey, different idea. Is a graham cracker a cookie? Different idea. Do you? Should I be a different character my face. Wait, hey, different idea. Is a graham cracker a cookie? Different idea. Do you? Should I be a different character?

No. Because this is kind of my signature. You could. I mean, that is up to you. You know, no consistency here.

I would say that it's insulting you would even ask if a graham cracker is a cookie. That's how uncookie a graham cracker is. Okay, well, you've awoken the ire of my friend.

Yeah. Okay, let's stop the show for a minute, and we'll talk about this. Yeah. Why are you laughing? Why is this funny? This is a point of passion for my friend. Huh. First of all, a graham cracker is a cookie.

It's sweet. I'll give you it's a biscuit. It's some sort of a biscuit. And a biscuit in the UK is a cookie. And he said that. Yeah. I don't care. We don't live in the UK. I may be willing to concede it's a biscuit over there, but that

doesn't mean I'm willing to concede that it's a cookie over here. I don't want to skip the notes process, because we do want to give notes on your show. I love the initial conflict of Darth Helmet is looking for the guys, and it seemed like we were really setting up

a pursuit, like an interesting movie. Yeah. And then I thought the idea was interesting that the cracker that was stuck to your face was actually its own planet. Yeah, that's deep stuff.

And maybe that they were going to shrink down there and go save somebody. Possibly. Yeah. But then the opinion about the Greg Cracker was so stupid. Well, that's the robot for you. It was almost like not believable. Yeah.

There's a lot of scuttlebutt online about the robot. Took me out of it. And the robot's obsession with like, just as things are getting interesting, there's like a weird right turn where it's like, oh, what is a cookie? But it gets people talking. It gets people talking. In this climate, when people are free to say anything, just to be able to talk about being confused about something without getting lambasted, I don't know what that word means, I think there's something very special about that. It's like, well, and it's like these lists that come out.

These listicles. These clickbait listicles, right? Where it's, here's the top 10, you know, hats of all time. Yeah. Which that one gets me every time. You don't want to see the top 10 hats? You're damn right you do. So, Guerrero's not at six.

Like, it's everyone. It's intentionally listed in a way. Yeah, to make people angry. To piss you off. And then guess what's happening? You're sharing it. You're disagreeing with it. You're discussing.

And that is. And suddenly you've bookmarked Buzzbean. Exactly. And the robot has done this for. Yeah. Yeah. The Voyage stars. So it's smart.

Clearly. But is it good? I mean, I feel like the fact that it's smart is enough. That's what we've been thinking with our show as well. Yeah. That's sort of what we live by with our show. I feel like most entertainment is going to be one or the other. It's either going to be smart or it's going to be good.

Which one do you pick? We are an educational show. You know? Thank you. We're listener supported. And what am I learning? Thank you. What are you learning?

What am I learning? First of all, what is a graham cracker a cookie? That's a big question. And you're engine flooded? All right, you know what? Fuck it. Great. Great job, guys.

She's gone. Yeah. Well, we wanted her here. We did. Well, she's the guest. Okay, I should apologize. Okay. Trying to promote Voyage of Star.

Because the way Kevin is booking the show, it seems like it's not with the intention of people coming in. Oh, she's coming back. Okay, I should apologize. Okay. Trying to promote Voyage of Star. Because the way Kevin is booking the show, it seems like it's not with the intention of people coming in. Oh, she's walking back up. Guys, I'm back. Hey. This room is too big. And also, wood floors for a studio? Bad idea.

It's too many steps from the door to the mic. Bad idea. Way to go, Stitcher. We don't notice it, but people aren't always wearing clogs. Yeah. I call them my hooves. She laughed again. I feel bad because I did that bit

and then I felt bad that I didn't fully close the door. So that showed you where my people-pleasing begins and the humor ends. Yeah. I was going to text Kevin to come shut the door. Oh, well, thank you. No, it was good. I appreciate that.

What's another place that they go on the show? Yeah, ever get off the stars and go anywhere else? Yeah, you want to go to a planet? Yeah, there's a lot of destroying of planets. I'd love to see a planet. All right. Let's do that. All right, let's do that.

Let's go to a planet. I'm just going to fill space by talking to myself about getting to the sound. And here we go. This is a planet? It's a planet. It's the massage planet. Doesn't it kind of feel like you're in a spa? Yeah.

Space spa. Okay. Interior, the massage planet. Yeah. What was one of the other guys? There was Darth Helmet. Emperor Pepperdine. Emperor Pepperdine.

Artificial Iverson. We haven't even gotten to Steve Berg's character. Emperor Pepperdine is walking through the massage planet, missing the beach, which is where he gets to go to college. Are you kidding me? And he's like, oh God, I'm getting so stressed out from not getting to go to the beach

can i interest you in a massage emperor wow the very planet itself is speaking to me and asking if i can get a massage is there anywhere in particular you'd like me to focus on or any preexisting conditions I should know about? Well, I am experiencing pain in my head. And so if there's anything you can do to massage that, I have the same thing that happened to Darth Vader, of course, in Star Wars, where my head was burned up. Is there a massage for this? Yeah.

Okay, so we're going to start you head down. So if you want to get upside down on this table under the sheet, I'll come back in in a moment. You can undress to your comfort level, of course. Okay, I'm going to stay. I'm going to keep all my armor on, if that's okay. And my helmet as well. That's absolutely fine.

Do you have a preference oil or lotion? Sorry, I sneezed. Really unprofessional. I can't believe I sneezed. Really unprofessional. I can't believe I sneezed a bird. But that is how a planet would sneeze, isn't it? If you think about it. Oh, yeah. Wait, are we in the meta conversation now?

I don't understand. Am I supposed to also participate in this? I don't want to rain on anyone's massage parade. Maybe the shuttlecraft can land with characters from the main ship. Okay. Let's do it. Okay. This is about the 30-minute process.

We should have warned you. Where's the shuttle landing? There we go. Now. Devon just jerking himself off from these sounds. Okay, the shuttle landing. There we go. Now. Damn it. Just jerking himself off. These sounds. Okay, the shuttle's here, and all the guys get off the shuttle. Hey, out of my way. Hey, you get out of my way.

What? You're in my way. There's so many of us. There's so many of us. Hey, everybody's in my way. How did we all fit in one shuttle? Hey. This guy's in my way. There's so many of us. Hey, everybody's in my way. How did we all fit in one shuttle? Hey. This guy's in my way.

Hey, what are you guys all doing here? We're in each other's way. Everyone's here to get a massage. All right. What's everybody looking for? Deep tissue, sports massage, just Swedish relaxation or rolfing, mini rolfing? Mini rolfing, please. Mini rolfing coming right up.

Why are you sending me through this windmill? Why am I coming out of dragon's mouth this is weird i don't feel relaxed well it's outer space weird place and that's kind of the message of the show isn't it oh yes yes just i want to come back to something because you have made me aware of kind of a weird thing about the show that's what I do isn't it yeah about the show

which is that sort of hold a mirror up to it in some ways what you described Emperor Pepperdine as being is much closer

to Darth Helmet's character like it's what you would expect of Darth Helmet I was noticing that too Emperor Pepperdine he actually says

I have what Darth Vader had it's a problem with the show that I've noticed. Yeah. That everyone is sort of like the same. The Darth helmet is a lot like Yoda. Yeah. Yes. And that

Emperor Pepperdine is just like Darth Vader. The show I find often is like losing track of which character is talking. Like and who like you're all like supposed to be. But isn't that just good improv? Well. I mean if the improv is so good that you're losing track of which character is who and who's saying and what's happening.

That's true improv. That's a win right? You're fully in flow. Yeah. Yes. Because you're no longer attached to traditional conversation or entertainment in any way. I mean, if you're able to recall something that happened earlier in the show and call it back, you're not a good improviser. You're not present.

Because you're not present. You're not present. You're thinking. You're not being. And how selfish for a performer to be like, oh, only I get to do this character. Oh, this is only my stuff that I do

no people who are talking should get to like forget what they're doing and just be whichever character they want yeah it's called socialism

yes thank you and if you're really watching I hate late capitalism oh late capitalism to the extreme. Have you been noticing this? Wait, is that different?

Late capitalism is not post-capitalism because we're still in it. No, I wish. If it was post, we wouldn't be in it. Sundown capitalism is what we're waiting for. Late stage capitalism. And it is frustrating. Do you agree that Devin is a neolib?

Do I? I don't think he understands politics, so I'm not sure that I could label him. That's a good call. Yeah. Yeah. I just don't know. I just don't know. Hollywood Handbook.

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A ridiculous or fun situation that you were in recently. That's the prompt, and that'll take us into discussing the product. How great the product is. Funny to me or funny to just anyone i i mean do you you feel like there's a difference there like you yeah i mean i've had things happen to me that i suppose you would find funny okay but that you didn't find funny and and you have not really and you have things that have happened that you would find funny but the rest of the world would not yeah i guess i'm interested in that one that i would find funny yes but that others would not find funny you seem to think that you have like a specific taste when it comes to what's funny or ridiculous that is not i ordered uh um like a scented spray

for my pillow to help me sleep at night like a lavender scent okay and uh they accidentally sent me two okay so you understand that most people would not buy that funny or ridiculous but but you but you do i just had a little chuckle about the mix up at the at the shipping uh warehouse harry saw customers getting screwed over by questionable that's a come up overpriced shaving product harry Harry on the come up. I decided to do something better. Instead of charging the same stupid high prices, Harry's found their own way to make beautifully designed razors for a fraction of the price of other big brands. Bogo, baby.

Exceptional products, honest prices. Is there a bogo as part of this? Because I don't want to be talking about deals that aren't. what happened no but i clean harry punk harry's two bottles buy one get one their deodorant their lotion their body wash their hair gel all very high quality products they all smell great german engineer blades made in their own factory they stay sharp longer you get a five blade razor weighted handle foaming shave gel and a travel cover for just three bucks at harry's.com slash the boys highest customer satisfaction in the shaving industry no risk trial don't like your shave no worries it's on them getting ripped off isn't funny do you want to hear what happened to me that you might find funny? Yes. Yes, sure. But that you didn't.

Yeah. So you're attuned to this stuff. I got my foot stuck in the dryer at the laundromat and it somehow turned on. And you know that that was something other people would find funny based on the responses you were you were getting a lot of people inside that laundromat seemed to find it pretty humorous when my legs started spinning around and flipping me over what happened was i was holding my laundry basket with both hands and i saw oh still a sock left in the dryer so i stuck my foot and tried to pick it up with my little toesies. I wear sandals. Punk.

And as I'm picking it up, I just sort of tripped, and my foot got wedged in between. There's like slats in there, and it's stuck inside there. And then I don't know who, somebody pushed the button or what, but it turned on, and the thing starts flipping over, and I'm flying in circles help punk help me you punks are your clothes staying in the basket are you going fast no no no i'm wearing all of them by the end of the cycle get started with a $13 trial set for just three dollars at harrys.com slash the boys that's harrys.com slash the boys. That's harrys.com slash the boys for a $3 trial set.

Hollywood Handbook. When does the show come out? At what time? I don't know. What time does it drop? 9 p.m. Pacific. 9 p.m. Pacific. That's earlier than ours.

Wait a minute. Did you say 9 p.m. Pacific, midnight, and Eastern? Okay, I see. Those are two things. Why doesn't ours come out this early so I get to read? It does. Not at read? It does. Not at nine. It does.

Why aren't people posting comments earlier then? They are. You don't see them? That's too, they posted too late for me. There's three waves, Hayes. The first one, which is, oh shit. And then the next one, which is the next morning, which was, yeah, this was good. shit. And then the next one, which is the next morning, which was,

yeah, this was good. And then there's the later in the day, which is finally got a chance to listen. Good stuff here. He's right. There's three waves. Just seeing the title of this one got me excited. I squealed when I saw the title.

You almost wish that wave could be last. Because you can't, you know, you're not going to get better than that. No, that the best and and i think often the audience wishes that was the last thing i agree yeah would you rather and this is what they do on another show would you rather be the guest that they're like oh my god just seeing this made me piss my freaking drawers and then you don't get a lot of comments after that yeah or the one that like doesn't have a lot of early momentum but people like wasn't sure what to think about this one going in but it actually was a awesome badass episode like despite what everyone else is saying

i thought it had moments would you rather win them over yes yes or do you want them to spot you like eight yards, but you don't get it across the goal line? I want a year from the 9 p.m. Pacific, 12 midnight Eastern. Yes. I want one year, the anniversary of. I want someone to DM me. And I don't know how this is going to work because I don't follow them. No. So I don't even know how they did that.

But I want them to DM me and say, I'm sorry I ruined your year by all of the things that I did to you in person that you didn't realize it was always me

because I was wearing disguises. That episode, I've come around to it and it's funny. Okay. You want to get, you want to have somebody so intent on taking your life that when they come around, that 180, is that right? Does that check out?

Yeah, that's 180. That 180 is so, that is powerful. That's how you know an episode was powerful. Well, and you know this person also is very rich because if they're listening to an episode of an Earwolf show one year from the date it was released, then they have to be behind the paywall. Also, hi, disguises. I'm very good at identifying people in disguises. This guy was so good. He was in multiple disguises actively trying to end my life for one year.

And I never recognized that it was the same person. I thought it was a bunch of people who wanted me to die. And instead it was that one guy. It was one guy. Wow, Danny Warbucks. Who's pissed about this episode of this show. Oh, this one? Well, I'm assuming, yeah, that we're talking about our show.

That this comes out, this guy hears it, tries to kill you for a year because you've sort of exposed that we're not really doing anything on the show. You don't feel like people walk away knowing how to handle handbook Hollywood? Walk away from what? Exactly. Yeah. Exactly. You never can walk away. Exactly.

Guys, new portmanteau. It is going to explode the internet. Exactly. Guys, new portmanteau. It is going to explode. The internet. This is what Bernie's talking about is these rich murderers. Yeah.

Who are disguising themselves. Like the movie FX. Yes. That's what it was about. And yes. Yeah. And are able to listen to shows behind the paywall. Yeah. Like maybe we can take a little some of their their money. So other people can disguise themselves.

Yeah. To murder people. Wait. So does it, how quickly does something go behind a paywall? Cause it seems like if you would get it for a year before it goes behind the paywall. Six months.

Oh, got it. So those six months have cost him a pretty penny. Yeah. Got it. A lot of money. A lot of money. That yaper.

Yeah. Yeah. He's got the yaper. Well. What day of the week? Yeah, what's going on? It's Saturday. The show come out and you knew what I was going to say.

This might be our worst argument to date. I don't know. Graham Cracker cookie was pretty bad. That was more of a pile on because I felt you and I were both piling on. It comes out on Tuesdays, but really comes out at 9 p.m. on Monday. 9 p.m. Monday night if you're on the Pacific Coast. Is this the only acceptable day for a show to come out? What?

Like, how? I will say I get a lot of podcasts dropped. Yeah, that's true. My podcast, my feed blows up on Tuesdays. How much more can you do to sabotage us here you should split it up man space this stuff out okay or or we add a extra tuesday to the week okay you know what i mean it's like daylight savings it's like well why not you know what i mean this is an idea that was discussed once on something I worked on where you could invent something of a Munder Day.

Yes. Where in between Sunday and Monday, you just get up at like midnight on Sunday, have a whole day. And then your weekend's longer. I like it. But this could be the idea of a Tuesday two. Because it's in the name. Tuesday. Right, yes. It's basically saying there are two of them.

You're supposed to have two of them. Mm-hmm. Right. What have we been doing? Monday would become Tuesday one, and then Tuesday would be Tuesday two, because you have Sunday then Monday. I couldn't disagree more. Sunday, Monday, Monday, which is Tuesday, Tuesday, which is Tuesday, Wednesday, which is Thursday.

Nothing is converting into anything else. It's just a new day. Everything stays the same, but it's an eight-day week. Yes. God! Yes, it's just... No. Well, it is an eight-day week. I am this close to storming out again. So you don't want to invent Monday? And no one wants that. So you

literally don't want to invent Monday? If you want a three-day weekend? You don't want to have a three-day weekend with your day weekend you don't want to have a three day weekend with your two Tuesdays if you want a nine day week we can have a nine day week how long is the weekend? it doesn't solve the problem of our shows coming out on the same day how if everything stays the same?

you've added another day I've added another day you don't want to you want Monday, Tuesday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday I want the names of the, where does hump day go? I want the names of the week to stay untainted by your poisonous rhetoric. I want the days to stay the same. Then you don't want Monday. And you don't want a three-day weekend.

Because you would just have Saturday and Sunday. You're talking out both sides of your fucking neck, little Janet Vardy. And I'm the only one willing to call your ass out anymore. This has upset the dog. He is kind of pissed. He's up and at him.

You are very fearful. He has an opinion on it. I mean, this kind of thing. How often do people say, he has such soulful eyes? That's gotta happen all the time. You're the first one to notice. Oh. What do you think?

Everyone's always looking at his jowls. Bosh, what do you think? Bosh? Any opinion? Oh, boy. Oh, God. There's so much you guys are missing who can't see this happening. I have seen ears on high alert.

I've seen them flap down again. I mean, I'm in sort of a similar spot with these. You know, all my shows come out on Wednesday. Yeah. Is that right, Bosh? You got Masked Singer. You got Stumptown. Can I ask you a question, Bosh?

Dogs are known to have a supreme sense of smell. You sound like you have a cold. I guess I'm wondering, is that your normal voice? Like, do you kind of have a stuffed up dog nose? Or what am I missing here? I was just up really late. Munderday? Got those Munderday blues.

He works. Yeah. got those Munderday blues he works like he yeah he's like working really late but if Stumptown could come out on Munderday then I could watch

Masked Singer when it comes out on Wednesday instead of waiting and just space it out just like if Star

if the friggin Star Wars ripoff thing wanted to go frig frigging be on. What, Voyage of the Stars? You say so. Oh, that reminds me. Dancing with the Stars.

That could be on Monday too. Yes. So you want your Monday to have a lot of shows. Loaded with shows. Yeah. Just not do anything, but just watch TV on that day. Yeah. Could Monday just be a TV day for the

Macau? Could be smart as like TV like fewer people are watching it could be really smart to just have a day where everyone watches TV. Yeah. It feels weird to me that he doesn't, does he not watch Bosh or he does watch Bosh? Uh Yeah, he sort of denies

that there is another one he's kind of mad about it yeah because it's like if that's Bosh then who's he existential yeah

I get it and it shook him up pretty good yeah what's your dog what's your dog uh I love this part of the podcast I do

I was I to be honest was looking forward to the what's your dog segment. This segment. Yeah. Well, first of all, I have two, but should I just pick one? Yeah. Double dog me. One is Jasper.

One is Whitley. One's a red husky. One's some sort of mutt that is probably a border collie terrier type scenario. Whitley named after Jasmine Guy's character in A Different World? Correct. And Jasper, is this a birthstone? I mean, maybe. I don't have a lot of information about his chart.

Jasper or when he was exactly born. Jasper named after the track on the Percy Hill second album, Straight Until Morning. Which is about the painter Jasper Johns, known for his many American flags. Flags. Flags. Yeah. So you got it. I got it.

What is the show called? It's called Voyage to the Stars. Thank you. Bye. Hollywood Handbook. That was a HeadGum Podcast.