Hollywood Handbook - Jason Mantzoukas, Our School Friend

Episode Date: October 3, 2017

Sean and Hayes are joined by Jason Mantzoukas to tell puberty stories and promote Big Mouth on Netflix. This episode is sponsored by Chapman University (www.chapman.edu/GRAD) and The Second City Training Center (www.secondcity.com/tc).See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Eliza and Aaron and, you know, whatever, Hercules. But everybody's there. Yes. And we're trying to, you know, it's one of those rooms. You know, we're trying to come up with the ending for Deadpool 2. And we're, like, thinking, like, well, we've got to up the ante. You know, last time I think he, like, wound up having sex or something. So, like, maybe he's got to now.

And Francis and stuff. Do you bring Francis back? I know. Well, and it's, now. And Francis and stuff. Do you bring Francis back? I know. Well, and it's, yes. And that was a big discussion. And Angelica seemed, was dead set. Francis has to be there. Or I'm not watching a Deadpool.

Is there a Deadpool without Francis? And I, of course. But Francis, I think, died in the first one. I thought it's going to be distracting. Yeah, because he died. And so now we have to tell a new story. That was a disagreement in our, I did the day before, and like whether or not he actually had died.

Okay, yeah. To my mind, he's dead. Okay. But he didn't feel his death. So then it's sort of tree falls on a fork. But anyway, so we're trying to come up with it. And suddenly I realize he's got like swords and stuff, right? Deadpool does.

Yeah. Okay, yeah. So what if he just kind of sliced the screen open and the movie ends that way? So it almost seems like an accident, like he accidentally ended the movie. Okay. And then you don't have to really have like a story. What about the next movie? Well, they're going to have to fix the screen.

But that buys us some time, at least. So anyway, I don't know if they're doing it, if they're not doing it, but if you go and see it, and he's slicing towards the camera, you know, holla at your boy. Hi. Hi, hi, hi.

Welcome to Hollywood Handbook Insider's Guide to Kicking Button Dropping Names in the red carpet and back hallways of this industry we call showbiz. What up, what up? And Ryan, you remember now what we said? Now you say, yup, yup. And Ryan goes, yup, yup. Yup, yup.

Yeah, but deeper. That's good. Yup, yup. That's good. So obviously we're juiced. We're freaking out. You can hear in my voice that it's almost trembling a little bit. We got one of the biggest guests in the biz.

It's like, what the heck is happening? Yeah, and on the one hand, what took so long to have him back? But on the other hand, why would he even agree to come back? He didn't enjoy the first time he was here. Yeah, it's so insulting that it did take so long, but it's like... It's a pretty big compliment. It's so nice. It's really nice

to come back. But it's also very mean. I'm talking, of course, about my main, main Zookus, the friggin' Jace with the mace. Manzooking woman.

Ah! What do you, what does it mean? When people call you that, what is it, how do you feel? When people call me Manzooking woman, Ah. What does it mean? When people call you that, what is it? How do you feel? When people call me Manzooking Woman. Manzooking Woman.

The show's not on anymore. FX, but it was sort of. FX, yeah. Yeah, great. Simon Rich penned. Yeah, made an impression on people. It was different. Jonathan Kreisel directed.

Britt Lauer. Yeah. And now that's your name. So what is that? Yeah, well. What kind of feelings does that come with? You know, I don't like how my name in that sense, that nickname is so now synonymously tied with a show that's been canceled. Yeah, but isn't it brilliant but canceled?

Is it? Well, I mean, you know, the numbers aren't in yet. But I think when we look back seven, six years from now, we're going to say, wow, that went before its time. You know, at that point, we're going to have to be, that went before its time. You know, at that point, we're going to have to be processing it on the, you know, mostly just through the FX app, you know. Yeah.

And we've got to get those app numbers, you know. We've got to know what those plus ones, plus twos, plus threes, and I'm talking years. No, yeah. Plus three years numbers. Yeah. And it's in our watch. Yeah.

Yeah, it's really going to change the way we evaluate everything. There are going to be those shows. You have to think there are going to be those shows that thrive on watches in the future that we don't even know about. Like a show that's the time. I'm already thinking about it. I'm already thinking of what I would be glued to that. Glued to that.

It's a show that is— Multiple times a day. It's such a timely show, you know, which is that. It's a show that is Multiple times a day. It's such a timely show. Uh-huh. You know, which is interesting. It's why now. It's really now.

Yeah, why today? Yeah, because it's time. And I go, I got a better question. Why today at 3.26 p.m.? Yeah. You know, and the show answers.

Yeah. And if you had a good watch, you would know that that's not what time. Oh, for me? I know you were trying to say what time it is right now, but that's not right. No, I'm trying to say what time it is right now but that's not right

no I'm trying to guess the time that the listeners enjoy this I know for me if I'm a Hollywood handbook fan I wake up I go am I really going to listen to this again this week then after lunch I kind of start to be like I guess I I'll give it an hour

maybe it'll be different this time but you also have to at that point be like do I first have to crush at that point, be like, do I first have to crush the 12 I've not listened to in order to get the one that I'm listening to? Yeah, my subscription has lapsed on iTunes. I have to sort of restart it. My phone is flooded with all these I've listened to episodes. I've got that little gray exclamation point.

I have no more memory for texts. Yeah. So anyway, but I am going to jump in and listen. And also, I wake up in the morning, I see there's Jason Mantzoukas, and I go, oh, that bums me out. Why is he doing that? Like, he's doing an episode of Hollywood here. Like, he's the only guest.

He's got a big thing to promote. Yeah. I go, I guess he's got to promote that thing, but still, that's where? Well, you know, you've got to make the rounds. Yeah, yeah go, I guess you've got to promote that thing, but still, that's where? Well, you know, you've got to make the rounds. Yeah, yeah, yeah, but just that this is one of the rounds. I'm just saying from a fan perspective, from somebody who listens to podcasts, I go, this is one of the rounds now? Yeah.

So anyway, at Streak 26, that's when I would listen. Jason, you do have something big to promote. You're doing puberty all over us. I'm bringing puberty to you guys. Let's talk about that. Let's talk about it. But, but, but, but, I want to establish the ground rules before we talk

about this. People are making money off of this thing. Hand over fist. You're talking about puber me. There's this thing going on. People are doing their pu of this thing. Hand over fist. You're talking about puber me. Yes. There's this thing going on. People are doing their puberty stuff, putting their puberty shots online. Oh, yeah.

And people are paying big cash for these things. Oh, yeah. Big, big bucks. Yeah. There's a lot of pube snaps flooding my socials. Yeah. And I got to say, when I learned there was money involved, I thought, I like money. Sure.

Who doesn't? Yes. But all these pube shots, if we do any pube shots on here, the money stays here. You may send $1,000 to us. Do not send to that other man. Oh, yeah. No. You're talking about Stephen Colbert who's giving money to charity if you post a puberty shot. He says that he's a comedian.

Known comedian. And a legendary prankster. And a lot of times the way he was acting on some of those shows isn't even what he really thought. Yeah. Huh. So if you look at it from that perspective, who knows? He's saying it's for Puerto Rico relief.

I go, you know what would be a relief to me? A little bit of money. So I remember a few years ago he would say stuff and I would go to work and be like, oh, I kind of agree with this guy. People would be like, oh, you know that he's like joking, right? So I worry you're falling into that same trap. Oh, you think I... Oh, I see.

Yeah. No. I want you to just learn from me. He was saying the opposite a lot on his show. Which I don't support. So you think this might be an opposite scenario now where he's saying he's going to give the money to charity, but it's not kind of foolish charity. What can I go off of other than the track record?

I will say, like, on The Daily Show, he did, like, lie to people professionally, you know, about his intentions and about what he was going to ask them. So I see where you're going with that. As a host, you're a host. You have a responsibility to be on the level. Yeah, that's true. You're using your own name to just be yourself.

Well, that's what I like about you guys in this show is that you are boldly putting yourselves and your reputations out here for everybody to digest. Yeah, so if people get mad at us, we have to stand behind it. You really have to. You have to stand behind everything you say because this is who you are and you guys thrive on honesty. And we can't say, like, oh, that was a character. No, we can't hide behind that. We can't do that.

That's so thin. That's so weak when you do that. And I would also say I was surprised to learn when we started doing this show how many people are literally in love with the status quo and want to marry it. Yes. And don't really like that we're really slaying it. Well, you guys are kind of –

Careful. I don't know how many people are listening, but kind of speaking truth to power in your way. Yeah. And it's not always popular. Yes. No. And we have no love for the status quo because there's no love left in our hearts because we love

our fans, our guests, like Jason. I love you and I'm in love with you. I love you and I'm in love with you, Jason. And Ryan. And Ryan. As well. Can you please tell Jason? I love you and I'm in love with you. Thank you so much, Ryan.

That's always nice. And the way Ryan does it, you really feel it. It feels very authentic. So that's always good. But thank you for saying that our show's not always popular. I think that gets overlooked sometimes. I think there's a lot of, you know, there's a lot of shows whose

brazen truth telling marginalizes them. And I think there are probably some people that would say this is one of them. Yeah. Yeah, I could see people saying that. That they've heard this is one of them. Yeah. Because they haven't listened to it.

Sure. Yeah, if you actually listen, it takes a few episodes to figure it out. But you might like it. Yeah. Should we get into our pubes? Let's get in. Let's get into our pubes? Let's get into our pubes. Let's pube it up. So, first of all, the show, I'm cringing.

I am cringing. Oh, yeah. Because I'm remembering. Sure, sure. You know? Those horrible memories. Yes. Those horrible events of middle school.

Yes, of seeing some of these dorky guys. Well, we have a lot. The three of us can share. We weren't all necessarily in the same kind of cliques when we were at the Boysly Say. And I would say I didn't really, yeah, we all went to the same boarding school in Geneva. And I remember it was me, it was the three of us and Billy Z were kind of the main kind of captains when you were picking kickball teams or whatever. But from each clique. Yes, and all separate.

And I would even say that I didn't have a clique so much, that I was sort of a chameleon. Yeah. And was so good at fitting in with everyone and had so many friends that in a way I didn't have any friends. Like a jack-of-all-trades, master-of-none kind of situation. Studied hard, but good at sports, but also a greaser. Yeah. Because not a lot of people know, in Geneva, we still had... Big car culture.

Yeah, it was like a big 50s hot rod culture. And so there was a whole gang of greasers. Yeah, and I remember replacing alternators. Sure. And fuel injector pumps and getting down in there. But at the same time, being neat, clean cut, sort of preppy, good at sports. Yeah. Also, when you are abroad in school, being all-American is something entirely different.

It's pretty rebellious. And I remember getting a billion girls and hating it because it wasn't authentic. It wasn't real. Well, you had that thing of just not knowing whether they were into you for you or whether they were into you because of the perception, the perceived value of being with you. Or your huge car. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, the car that was illegally big.

And it was basically, yeah. Yeah, Chevy Monster Bird. Chevy Monster Bird. So, yeah, but let's, I mean, do you guys just want to tell a funny puberty story that everyone can relate to? It seems like that's popular. I'll do a quick, I mean, do you guys just want to tell a funny puberty story that everyone can relate to? It seems like that's popular. I'll do a quick, I mean, you guys maybe remember at the time.

My parents sent me there because I couldn't sort of be around humidity because when I went through puberty, I had this sort of colony of microorganisms that would build this kind of casing around me. Like a cocoon. Yes, this kind of translucent – yes, but it wouldn't make me grow. They would take energy and nutrients from me instead of providing – to build the casing. But at the same time, you have an energy shield around you. It is a protective casing. Which was helpful for you as an athlete. Yes.

And it was like, the more humid it was, the stronger the organisms, sorry, I've said it so much, I should be able to say it more clearly. I think it sounds great. The stronger the- Through my headphones, it's coming through great. Thank you, Jason. Yeah, the way I'm hearing it, it really sounds great. Okay, so it it's coming through great. Thank you, Jason. Yeah, the way I'm hearing it, it really sounds great. Okay, so it's Ryan's fault.

And this is a story that I've heard a million times. And could hear again. I'm still riveted. Yeah. But even in the mountain air, I still would have this kind of thin casing that every morning I would wake up and I would have to kind of like strip it off myself and it would sort of grow throughout the day. And I remember one day, you remember that beautiful nurse? Oh, sure. We had this like older but still like very attractive.

Madame Brioche. Madame Brioche. Uma Brioche. Yes. I called her Uma just because we were on that term. I mean, we were first name basis. And I would go see her every day for a month. Am I wrong?

Do I remember that you also had an administrative position at the school? Well, it's interesting, and that was going to be part of my story. But yes, I was very involved in the front office. That was another click. I remember that. I'm just now remembering that. I'm sorry. When I talk about the different clicks that you operated, one of them was the front office. Yeah, I remember that. I'm just now remembering that. I'm sorry. When I talk about the different cliques that you operated, one of them was the front office.

Mine was school administration. Yeah, mine – yes, mine was – I was in this sort of receptionist clique with other people that were kind of rolling calls for the school administrators. Yes, because they've got to return a ton of calls. Yeah, well, what happens is it's like, hey, we got these textbooks. Or then it's like we're trying to close a deal with this teacher to come over under an overall and do all this teaching for you guys. Different, like, whatever, coaches that were on a holding deal somewhere else. But anyway. Such a competitive, it's such a competitive, boarding school faculties are so competitive.

World, yeah, because it was a pressure cooker. Yeah. And I just about popped. Yeah. So I remember one day going to see Madame Brioche for my daily rough washing with a pumice stone where she would try and scrape some of it off. And this was like 9, 10. These feelings that you don't understand are starting to sort of come over you. some of it off. Yeah. And this, you know, it was like 9, 10, started like these feelings

that you don't understand are starting to sort of come over you. And I remember being watched by Madame Brioche and something is kind of swelling downstairs, you know what I mean?

I'm like, what is this? I've never like experienced this before. But it's also, it's punching through the casing and it's making a very loud noise, like, you know, that shattering noise that it would make. Like the sound effect they use when an egg is about to crack in, like, Jurassic Park or something. Yes, yes, yes, yes.

But loud, really, really loud. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so mid-embryoche, it's very difficult to hide that this is happening, because it's also kind of spraying shards everywhere as it goes. happening because it's also kind of spraying shards everywhere as it goes. And that was kind of my first experience that I remember with like having one of these things. That could be pretty embarrassing and I'm cringing hearing this, but I'm also kind of laughing a little bit and I'm proud of you for telling it. Now, Jason, I remember you got sent, if I'm not wrong, and I might have you mix up, but you had in your hometown here in America killed a bully for being intolerant.

Yes. And so they had to kind of ship you over there because isn't intolerance a pet peeve of yours? I really don't like it. You know, for me, I have no tolerance for intolerance. Easy. You know what I mean? But have you ever questioned is that that itself is a logical fallacy? I mean, I understand.

And that you might actually be the one who's intolerant? Perhaps. Perhaps I'm existing in a world in which my intolerance towards intolerance is itself. Something to think about. Maybe you are the only intolerant person in the world. I get it. And maybe, yeah, maybe. And I wouldn't be surprised if in time we found out that all of the world's intolerance is stemming from my systemic mistrust of intolerance.

Yeah. But that is a bridge we'll have to cross when we come to it. I was, yeah, no, in order to avoid criminal prosecution, my parents smuggled me out of the country. My parents smuggled me out of the country. And once I was in international waters and knew the government couldn't touch me, we started looking around at different schools and where I could go. Because it was pretty quick they got me out. And I remember a lot of buzz around the front office when we did finally nab you. It was big because I was being pretty heavily sought by a bunch of places, both because they wanted my athletic prowess, but they also, and this is very tied into what we're doing, they wanted someone who had already

gone through puberty. Yeah. Because I think, I don't know if you guys remember this, but it was when I came into the school, it wasn't just like new kid arrives, is instantly cool, takes over, blah, blah, blah. It was that they were looking for people to help shepherd everybody through puberty.

A Sherpa. You were an adult. I was basically an adult. Just for having gone through puberty, I had a mustache already. It was very hairy. I'd had sex already, even though I was 12 years old.

I should say this. The bully who you had killed was your wife. Yes. So to say you had sex already is an understatement. Sure. You were in a marital. I was. I was.

You know, and it was a given. It was the kind of wedding that, you know, her little brother conducted in the backyard. But when I make an oath, when I swear an oath, it is my word is bond. Yeah. When I make an oath, when I swear an oath, it is, my word is bond. And to feel, to see someone you were that close to and had that bond with being intolerant, I can understand why that would result in rage. And you're right to say rage because it was a kind of blind rage that I, you know, didn't wake up from for two days. You know? Yeah.

It was, I really don't even like to think about it. It was a harrowing. I hope to never come into contact with that kind of intolerance again. Can we hear some of the things that she was intolerant of? Oh, yeah, of course. For me, it began with her, She was intolerant. Okay. There was a place in my town growing up.

Take your time. You know what? Take your time because I don't want to send you back there in a rush. There was a place in my town. I grew up in kind of like a beach town, you know. And there was a place that would do like beachside slices of pizza, you know, fries. Oh, I love that. Those boats go out and they haul up the big nets full of pizza. They spill out all over the boat.

Oh, yeah. You know, we've all seen Deadliest Catch or Wicked Tuna. You know, like that's the kind of environment I grew up in. Big burly men going out to sea, coming back with pizzas or fries, nets full of them, except for the years, of course, that we'd overfished the pizza and fries. Yeah, like a red tide.

We didn't know the tomato sauce tide. We didn't know the sort of life cycle of the pizzas. We didn't know. And that perfectly segues. We went down to get a pizza. Oh, yeah, that's right. And there was no pizza. Okay.

There was no pizza. And I said, do you think that maybe we're catching too many pizzas? And she said, there will never too many pizzas. And she said, I, there will never be no pizzas. I, I think that's moronic to even say that as stupid. We can, we can go and get his,

and this is what she said. She said, God will give us as many pieces as we want because God made the ocean. Wow. And you shouldn't even question his plan to feed us because he can turn water into wine. He can turn fish into many. He can turn barnacles into pizza, whatever he wants for us. So she was kind of intolerant of agreeing with you on his pizza.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you famously, you know, you don't believe like the God made the ocean stuff. That's not your, you believe that the devil made the ocean. I do. I do. God made the land. The devil made the ocean. That's the not your... You believe that the devil made the ocean. I do. I do. God made the land. The devil made the ocean. That's the deal they made. That's the pact they had.

And the devil's trying to drown us. Why do you think so many people die in the ocean? Oh, yeah. Because it's... And nobody ever dies on land. Have you ever noticed this? Yeah. Have you ever noticed?

That's what it is. Everybody on land is angels. Everything in the ocean is demons and devils. And if we ever find that lost city of Atlantis, boy, oh, I hope they don't cross your path. Oh, please. Not interested.

Not interested, people of Atlantis. If you're listening. So she died. You killed her. I killed her. I killed her, which, you know, it is what it is. Yeah, it is what it is. And then, which, you know, it is what it is. Yeah, it is what it is. And then wound up, you know,

coming to Geneva. To the Bois-Lyssay. Bois-Lyssay, and really, you know, that's really where I feel like I came to life in a lot of ways. I feel like I would not be the person I am now, you know, in Hollywood working as an

actor, as a writer, just out there, putting myself out there. I would not be doing any of that if it hadn't been for finding that school and the kind of rites of passage that it allowed. Yeah. There is sort of a little, like, network. It's true. There is kind of a Boise.

I feel like people talk a lot about, like like all the Harvard, the Lampoon legacy. I haven't heard about that. It's like, you know what? Good. Yeah. Good. I'm glad you haven't. I'm glad you haven't because that's actually progress.

It's like a boysly say light kind of thing. Yeah. It was the boysly say before the boysly say. Yeah. You know, kind of like groundlings. It's funny. I was so in this world. I obviously working in the administration of an elite boarding school and the amount

removed I have become. Of course, at the time, you know, I came to the school in a somewhat unorthodox way. I was recruiting people for sort of a positive ISIS. Like, uh, it was, um, sort of a positive ISIS. Like it was- Nisus? Isn't it called Nisus? It was Nisus. And so it was a lot of their same ideas in terms of like, let's all stick together and

us versus them. Spending time together, not all this technology. It was nice guys versus mean guys. And I had been recruited myself. I, of course, had been – I grew up on a bean farm. And so I was like – had this crazy baked bean recipe that wound up resulting in this huge multinational corporation. And then I went and ran Coca-Cola for a little while. And then I got sort of sick of that. And I said, well, let me get in touch with some young people like me. I was very young.

And so I went and I'm recruiting for Nisys and of course I'm a natural recruiter just because I'm super charming and people like talking to me. You're like, I say this all the time, one of the greatest talkers, one of the greatest salesmen I've ever known. Yeah, and there's a warmth there that's so natural and authentic that you can't help but be drawn to me. And people all the time. Ryan, you say, yup, yup?

Yup, yup. No. It's one thing. Yup, yup. Yup, yup. Yeah. It's one thing. Yep, yep. Yep, yep. Yeah, and it goes up. But yeah, in general, like somebody meets me at a party for 10, 15 minutes, they walk away going like, wow, I'd like to talk to that guy again. That went by so fast, first of all.

Well, yeah, yeah, because it's very easy and natural. So obviously the boarding schools noticed that and they let me run the phones for a little while. And then I started to kind of peek in on some of the classes and go, hey, does anybody here like nice guys? And anybody who said, yeah, you're out. You're out. Because we don't need to help them. We need the mean guys to get into nicest.

Interesting. Now, of course, that resulted in something I could not have foreseen, which was they did drop the N off. And it was, I kind of put them all in one place to kind of be mean together. You are, and unknowingly,

you were unknowingly the architect and recruiter. And even telling this story, Jason, I'm cringing. I am cringing. But we all have these puberty stories, don't we? It's like the listed founder. Yeah.

But we all have these stories from puberty. Yeah, no, it's embarrassing. You sort of are so young and your hormones are going crazy. And you don't know, does this girl like me? Am I creating ISIS? You know, you can't know, does this girl like me? Am I creating ISIS? You know, you can't tell. Things that were normal a year before now seem emotionally like a roller coaster. Yeah, yeah.

So, yeah. And it was good, you know, in a way because I got to do a lot of dating and I sort of discovered myself and I learned how to really finger and do other moves that when else would you learn. I remember when you came in after fingering someone. I don't remember who it was. Well, I should say it was a boys' school, so these were the women of the town. Yeah. But it was mostly a town for divorced older women.

Yeah. Where they would kind of congregate. Like barnacles around the lisse. Madame Brioche was, yeah, of course, a divorced older women. Yeah. Where they would kind of congregate. And I will say, yeah. Like barnacles around Elisa. Madame Brioche was, yeah, of course, a divorced older woman. And there was a few of them. And you had, that was the thing about being friends with you, which was great, is like you, because you worked in the office, you had access to all those women. You knew their stories. You knew who was lonely.

You knew who was on their period you knew all the stuff that was so important that such good information to have for us you know to be like oh great who do we need to talk who should we be chatting up yeah and more importantly who's on their period yeah or who's not or who's not you know for a change yeah because i know the three of us love to fuck girls on their periods but like like a couple of other our other friends were like not into it which was what made our friend group which was made our friend group great because we weren't like six guys competing for all the girls on the rag even though in the school it was good because they all synced up yeah well you had your moon charts oh yeah like you would yeah no this is a lot of people don't know that now there's like apps that track your

periods and stuff but back when we were in, and everybody will know this just from like puberty stuff, you remember when you started filling out moon charts for the girls you were interested in. And that embarrassment, this is like a universal thing, that embarrassing moment when one girl you're hooking up with sees the other girl's moon chart and it's like wait a second did you think i was katie you know and i'm like and cut to she's not on her period in which case i'm not interested oh no it's okay yeah it's fine it's fine yeah what are you gonna do with that yeah so um yeah but no i love these universal experiences and if anybody wants to send in money now yeah yeah just a reminder

you know obviously it's very fun and are we able to tally you know three men talking about women's periods obviously that's not the kind of thing that's free this is premium content you know we're not doing this for us let me see i think kevin is keeping track of some of this stuff kevin kevin Kevin hi so we've done all this puberty stuff have you seen Brad's status I haven't yet come on

come here we did all this puberty stuff how are we tracking the money from this the money that's coming in Twitter Twitter How are we tracking the money from this, the money that's coming in? Twitter. Twitter?

Okay. You're watching on Twitter? Yeah. Are people tweeting the hashtag Hollywood Handbook and then the amount of money they're sending? Yes. Yeah. Okay. Tiny Kevin, I feel like you are not informed. I feel you're wrong.

I couldn't be more informed. Have you seen American Assassin? I've not. I haven't either. Yeah. It looks great, though. It looks great. I haven't been, but.

I mean, we're in a quittin' sans. Quittin' sans. Kevin, and it also would be, you know, like, we're doing all this stuff for charity. It would be nice if you pitch in a little bit. Sure. Do you have a puberty story? I also meant money. But if you want to tell a puberty story, that's fine too.

But do you have any money? You think Battle of the Sexes? Here's $5. No, I don't like the title. I don't think sex should be a battle. No. This isn't really a battle. But I love Emma. Sure.

You just should be nice about it. I love her. I think she's great. And I love, of course, you know, Steve. Steve can be pretty funny. Oh, yeah. Dan in real life? So funny.

Pancakes? I saw that poster six, seven times and thought it was hilarious. Oh, no, absolutely. Oh, yeah, Dan in real life. Oh, yeah. So funny. On the pancakes. Pancakes. I saw that poster six, seven times and thought it was hilarious. Yeah, I saw that poster in the theater. Yeah, and tennis. I love tennis. Oh, is that what it's about? Yes, any tennis thing.

Oh, okay. Tennis is like boxing. When I was in eighth grade, I didn't really understand how razors work, and I was going on a date, and I had a bad. With who? What was the date? It was with a girl in my class. Same age?

Yes. Kevin, quick lesson. You're either going older or you're going younger. Same age is a lateral move, and it's not helping you at all. That's not good for anyone. That's like a non-date. Okay. What's your name? Caitlin. What's your last name? Doesn't matter.

Weird last name. Dutch? Caitlin doesn't matter. Doesn't matter. Doesn't matter. But I had a bad unibrow and I didn't really know how razors work and so I was trying to shave it off.row, and I didn't really know how razors work, and so I was trying to shave it off.

Oh, boy. What do you mean you don't know how they work? Had you not been shaving your face all this time? Not well, no. Oh, okay. And I shaved off half my eyebrow. What do you mean? Wait, do we have a Harry's ad for this episode?

Is this good to be saying? Is this promotion? I think actually Harry's is saying we have to do like a free one. Like they're not saying we have to actually. They're asking if we might. It'd be really nice because we have not been getting the return. How about this Harry's? Dollar Shave Club.

Oh, wow. And we just remind them that's out there for us. How about that Harry's? Yeah, they'll like that. That's like talking to – They threaten us, we threaten them. That's like talking to Casper about Lisa. Oh. Yeah, they'll like that. They threaten us, we threaten them. That's like talking to Casper about Lisa. Oh.

Do we have a Casper today? No. What do we have? Second City. Second City? Second City Training Center. A lot of people turned that down. A lot of people weren't willing to do it. A lot of the hosts felt like it was maybe that Besser would be mad or something.

But you guys were like, give me that money. It's all cash. All spends the same. And then now we've been trying to get Besser to pay us to stop doing it. We're doing ads for his podcast on here. Yeah? Today we're doing ads for his podcast. No, it's a new thing.

It's a Howl special thing. Yeah, the musical one. It's a punk rock musical. You involved in that? Nope. it's a new thing. It's a Howl special thing. Yeah, the musical one. It's a punk rock musical. You involved in that? Nope, but I heard about it. Did they want you involved? I know. I was not asked.

I'm assuming that... So we're in good company. Yeah, oh yeah. Okay, that's great. But we're doing an ad for that and it's like, are you going to be mad if we do an ad for that?

We don't know, but a lot of people turned it down, I think, assuming he'd be bad. Interesting. When I was in sixth grade, I... Wait, is this the same story? Is that other story over? Hold on.

Are you editing? That's the whole story? Are you editing that story? Yeah, I mean... I shaved half my eyebrow because I didn't know how a razor worked. It sounds like the razor slipped. It sounds like you know exactly how it worked. How did the date go?

It was bad. I have my sunglasses on almost all the time. Oh, no. Yeah. Oh, wow. And then I blamed the razor slipped. It sounds like you know exactly how it worked. How did the date go? It was bad. I have my sunglasses on almost all the time. Oh, no. Yeah. Oh, wow. And then I blamed the eyebrow thing. No. Folkley's?

Folkley's, yeah. Folkley's. Yeah. I said a friend did it as a prank to seem cool. I'm cringing. Like a jackass style prank? Yeah, exactly. Like a really funny prank.

How far did you get? With Caitlyn? It was pretty quick. We went miniature golfing. Like you didn't last very long, you mean? Yeah. Well, no. I didn't last at all. Pretty quick at miniature golfing is like good. That means you're doing well.

Yeah, that means like every hole like under par. No, if a bad date at mini golf takes forever. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. You can have a mini golf date that lasts four or five hours. Oh, yeah. You can wind up there overnight. Oh, yeah.

And you know that at a lot of mini golf places, they have a jail cell for people that fly into rages, like a holding cell kind of thing. So you can actually get stuck there for quite a while. And often there's a pirate in there. Yeah. Sometimes those are just batting cages that they stick you in. Yeah, no helmet.

Nope. But in sixth grade, I got to go on a date with a girl a year older than me. You got to go on a date? You want a contest? Grab the raffle at the fucking family contest. What do you mean? A school bus safety poetry contest. You get to go on a date with one of the girls.

Tiny Kevin, you're allowed to go on a date with this girl now that your name got picked out of his hat. Now that you won seven up. Yeah, got to. I think it's nice that you think of a date that way. Had you had childhood cancer? Was it a pity? I get to go on a date. Oh, I beat cancer. Now I get you think of a date that way. Had you had childhood cancer? Was it a pity? I get to go on a date. Oh, I beat cancer.

Now I get to go on a date. No. With Karen McManus. Yeah. What was her name? Andrea. And last name as well? Martin.

Martin, yeah. Andrea Martin. Oh, wow. Older lady. Yeah, she was older then. But I hit puberty first in my class, so I think I looked older than I was. And we actually dated for two years. She was also your age?

She was a year older. Oh, okay. You dated for two years in sixth grade? Yeah. Does Kevin strike me as a guy who hit puberty first? There are so many. I feel like we're playing three lies, no truths right now. Puberty first in his class.

And then have a two-year girlfriend in middle school. Also, how close track are you keeping that you know you were first? Yeah. Well, were you keeping people's moon charts? No. And it's like, what was the class then? I was pretty tall. Wait, I know.

I get it. Were you homeschooled? No, I was not. Were you homeschooled and the only other people in school were your younger siblings? That's adding up. Because that makes sense. For you to be the first person who hits puberty. Going on a date with an older woman.

And if you're homeschooled with no social circle, you would think, oh, I get to go on a date. That is how you would phrase it. Because it's like getting to leave the house. I can appreciate your parents trying to give you social skills by allowing you to date. But I think it's weird if the person you ended up dating for two years was a sibling. Yes, that's sort of scary. So do I give like $5 for that story? Yeah, you pay us.

If you're getting to tell the story, you pay us a good amount of dough. And are people, that's the other thing. I'm assuming people are sending in not just money, but their own puberty stories because we shouldn't make people pay for their puberty stories. It costs money for them to submit their puberty stories.

So it's like a Patreon at different levels. You get to give more or less money. Yes, and we look at the puberty stories. We don't put them out on here. And this is all the rules of this are on 4chan. Is that right? Everything's on a 4chan page that you guys keep? Yes.

Yeah, we've been sort of slipping with the moderation of that. We're only going in every other day right now. But yeah, it's hashtag puberaintforfree. And it's just about money for us. It's about money and it's about cringing. Oh, it's just so uncomfortable. But it's funny. I mean, it can be funny to have your skin crawl.

Yeah. Because you relate. It's my favorite thing, which is cringe comedy. It's such cringe comedy. You know about the British office? No, what do you mean? There's a British version of the Office where it's all cringe comedy. What?

And they took some of the... So they took the Steve Carell show and they made their version of it and it's all cringe. And they loaded a syringe up with cringe comedy and injected some of those same stories. You can imagine your boss doing a dance. I can't even say it. But imagine that your boss did a dance. Or just telling a joke. And your skin crawls.

But it's because you recognize yourself in it. Sure. And I'll try it, but that stuff doesn't work for me. I tried to watch that Seinfeld show, but the George character, I could not. It made me so uncomfortable. He's so frustrating.

He makes me cringe. He makes me crazy. It made me so uncomfortable. He's so frustrating. He makes me cringe. He makes me crazy. It's cringe comedy. Now, I wonder if we should have Ryan tell a puberty story, and I shudder to do this because he is such a, like, he will go so gross so quickly. He is.

He's the original Fairly Brother. I'm surprised you guys let Ryan talk on mic. Just because of his rep. other people can't hear this. Just because of his rep. The stuff that we have been hearing during this whole conversation, other people will not be able to hear because he's on a separate channel. We edit out so many of his gross singers.

So, yes. So, the raunch master general is here. You want to know a puberty story? It's already begun. Here we go. It's already begun. Try to keep it rated hard R and not NC-17 this time. What people can't see is the licking of his lips that he's doing just to keep him moist.

When Ryan talks, that little red E next to our podcast thing, they have it like it's flashing. Oh, yeah. We should say that if you are underage, you should skip ahead. Ryan, how long is this story going to be? 11 minutes? This is post-puberty only. Yeah, 11-minute story. I don't even remember puberty.

Here we go. Oh, here we go. I wonder why you blacked out. Yeah, too much peach schnapps. Am I right? I just woke up one day and I was fully grown. Down there. And he pointed.

He was fully grown and then he took it out and slapped a table with it. I mean, we all wake up fully grown, Ryan, at some point, but only you could make it sound that way. And then what happened? That was it. The rest of the day. I just slept the rest of the day. You didn't go to school?

No. Oh, wait, you didn't go to school, did you? No, I was one of those guys. He was forbidden from school. You were like a feral child. Not feral audio. A feral child. Wasn't it?

A feral earwolf child. I'm trying to remember your backstory, but it was just you and Tucker Max, right? Had like a little treehouse situation out in the woods. Yeah, pretty much. And you two would get into who knows what kind of mischief. Both of you waking up fully grown. Okay. Yep, that's my story.

How much did that one cost? That was very gross. Yeah, it was sick. And for anybody listening, we're probably going to edit out the whole middle of it. Yeah. I didn't need to hear a lot of that, and I didn't need any of those visuals. The upskirt stuff, I don't agree with. To me, that's almost a violation.

It borders on it. And I didn't, like, I feel like a lot of that, which is why I think you guys should cut it out, I think a lot of that is probably still like cold cases. A lot of those are probably still like active. Yeah. That this is admissible as evidence. I think that, yeah.

And a bunch of different trials. Yeah, and I think that in and of itself would be reason to cut it out. And I think that there's also many people who are serving on death row would want to hear that. Yeah. Because I think there's been a bunch of wrong convictions. Someone like, even not someone who's in prison, but someone like Anthony Cumia, it seems like took the blame for a lot of stuff that Ryan was doing. Well, yeah, absolutely, Cumia. I mean, you can't not bring up that, sure, Kumia has been a victim of Ryan's sinister pranks.

Yes, that Ryan was the one lurking around Times Square. Based on just like what was an aside in this, I think that we would very likely have Anthony Weiner as the mayor of New York currently. If Ryan had not sent a couple of text messages, you said? Was that what you said? Just sent a couple of text messages, you said? Was that what you said? Just sent a couple of text messages? Mm-hmm. Because you had access somehow to Zuma Abedin's computer? He cloned her IP address or something?

The specificity was really intense. It seems like the presidential election could have worked out differently. Yeah. For some of Ryan's activities. To me, the fact that Connor and Lacey Peterson still don't have justice. Yes. And that Scott's sitting there. And that our boy SP is still in prison.

And that Ryan's cackling as he talks about another one of his fiendish creations. Yeah. That's a quote. And I loved how you said, have you guys ever heard of the BTK killer? Like, obviously we have. Yeah, we all know the BTK killer? Like, obviously we have. Yeah, we all know the BTK killer. In this very proud way. Yeah.

I don't like it. Yeah, although that one wasn't as bad because when we said yes, then he just went like, well, check out the BK killer, and then he smashed a Whopper in front of us. And I will say it was a lot, but you ate it quick. You seemed hungry after that green juice. Well, hey, come on, you know. I can't eat just rabbit food.

So puberty is... It's not all like green drinks and apricots for you, Sean. Can't just all be rabbit food. This was $2 off. It's scary. It's funny. Discount green drink? It was.

It said if it was a particular date on the label, it was $2 off, and I went for it. Smart. We'll see. So puberty is weird, but we prove that you can make money off it, and it can be a job. So if anybody's struggling right now with their puberty, just remember, in a couple decades, you're going to be able to sort of cash in on this. Look at us. Yeah, the more cringeworthy, the better. Yeah.

And then what else? Jason, did you want to talk about anything else? Not particularly. Who's your guy on the show? My guy on the show is named Jay. Jay, okay. And what's Jay like? You know, he's like a classic, one of those kids going through puberty.

He's one of the kids. He's going through puberty. You know, and he's got a, his thing is that he's, everybody else doesn't know what to do, and he's got it all figured out because he's in a, he has developed a sexual relationship with his pillow. Where he heats up Ziploc baggies full of Amy's organic lentil soup, puts them in a slit in the pillow, and then fucks the pillow. Is he based on Jay Pharoah or Big Jay Oakerson?

I'd rather not say, but both. You're drawing from a lot of different sources. But both. Okay, and Ricky Jay, I understand. Yep. drawing from a lot of different sources. But both. Okay. And Ricky Jay. I understand. Yep. And is he cutting up a little bit? And JJ Watt.

Oh, yes. Yeah. And he's cutting up a little bit? He's cutting up? Yeah. Is he cutting up? Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I thought you meant does he get cut up? He's cutting up. No, no, no. He's goofing around. Oh, he's a real goofball. He also does magic. At the end of a long day that's the Ricky J element

that's the Ricky J element card tricks close up magic the prestige yep David Mamet loves the show okay

because of his love for Ricky J Ricky J yeah has a great monologue in this Gus Van Sant movie you wanna do it? yeah

in his voice? It's still, I know it's kind of a party trick. It still blows my mind that you can see any movie once and remember every line from it. This has been the case since I met you decades ago, and it is mind-blowing. Performing entire movies at a party. And some people might be thinking, it seemed like he was struggling to even pull the name of the movie when he first mentioned it.

Yeah, I've heard some people say, oh, you almost have to do a bunch of talking around it while he thinks of what he's going to do before he does it, to give him a little bit of a buffer. But that's not it at all. You are chomping at the bit to do this monologue. Oh, yeah, I'm so anxious.

And I'm always ready to be, and I never say this to a guest, hey, shut up, you know? Because I'm trying to do my Ricky Jay monologue from the movie, the name I know of. But we are out of time. Damn it. Bye. What was the movie about?

You guys should do an episode that is just like Sean's top monologues. Oh. That would be good. We wouldn't have to book a guest for that necessarily. That is a great idea. We might want to do it next week. I know that's been tough for you guys. Oh, next week.

We might do it next week. Hayes out of town. Oh, yeah. There you go. Yeah. And I don't really know what to do when he leaves. Yeah. Just you giving us a general idea. That's good. That he leaves. Yeah. Just you giving us a general idea.

That's good. That's big. Yeah, I mean, it would be really great. Thanks. Thanks, Jason. Thank you, guys. It's called Last Days. Bye.

I'm a horny girl wolf. This has been an Earwolf production. Executive produced by Scott Aukerman, Colin Anderson, and Chris Bannon. For more information and content, visit Earwolf.com. Ow. That was a HeadGum Podcast.