Hollywood Handbook - Jen D'Angelo, Our Close Friend

Episode Date: September 26, 2016

Sean and Hayes make a major politics announcement. Then JEN D'ANGELO of MTV's Loosely Exactly Nicole makes the scene for a nice return to the traditional episodes that the boys used to do before. This episode is brought to you by Harry's and Blue Apron.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. So I'm wandering through the rows at the female athlete cemetery. Enough already. Why? Enough with this. You know why. You took my strawberry milk. And I saved it

because I was going to drink it. And you took it. Okay. You know why I did it. You drank my strawberry milk. I didn't drink it. I didn't drink it. This is an explanation for that. You drank my strawberry milk. I didn't drink it. I didn't drink it. This is an explanation for what I did with your strawberry milk. Fine.

I go. I'm listening. You know how I go to the female athlete's cemetery. Yes. And I pay my respects to Flojo. I have planted some roses. You were planting? Flojo I have planted some roses you were planting

Flojo's you were planting because the story that I heard from my friend who's a groundskeeper there because I'm friends

with a lot of normal guys is that you were trying to dig her up no and then when he said look like you're digging her up that you said

no I'm planting no and then you started like you took stuff out of your pocket and said, this is seeds. And start putting it in the ground. And I pour the strawberry milk on it. Okay. And I only drink a little bit. And then I, because I bring a newspaper and I sit down and I tell her what's going on in the news.

You took a sip to make sure it's still fertile milk. And then you put it in. Okay. Well, okay. Then now I'm at my grounds creeper friend. And I was driving a backhoe just to drive it there. Not to dig. Okay.

That's my car. Yes, because Carrie Ann had your regular car yes and so you had to drive the backhoe I had to use Carrie Ann's backhoe which is what she drives and what's the license plate

on that again what's the vanity plate on the backhoe it is Star of David Star of David and then Dozer

which I think was Mouse's friend or it might be something that's like close to Mouse's wasn't Mouse's friend named Dozer? Yeah Dozer Tank yeah right but she drives a backhoe and doesn't she have a doesn't she have a bumper sticker on there that says

back up hoe but she tore up off it yeah so it just says back hoe yeah but it says back up hoe like somebody she tore up off it. Yeah, so it just says back ho. Yeah. But it says back up ho, like somebody's really riding your ass in traffic, you got a bumper sticker that says back up ho. But she tore the up off.

She tore the up off, but didn't she also accidentally tear off part of the H? She tore it backwards, so it says P-U. Okay. So it says back up. It says back ho. So it says back O-E-P-U yeah

with a little bit of an H like you stink like you're telling the driver you stink P-U well so that's actually

a very good sticker now but at the same time I didn't have my strawberry milk whether it was for planting which I believe you know and I didn't have my strawberry milk, whether it was for planting, which I believe you now, and I am mad at my friend Bradley, who's a great groundskeeper. But at the same time, I'm very sad in myself because no strawberry milk,

and now I have to do the show without any power. You put it in the fridge just in a glass. And the fact that you buy a glass from the store, you bring your own glass to the store, and then you pour the glass, and then you buy it just like that amount. I go up and I put it on the conveyor belt and then I keep my hands on either side of it very carefully,

just sort of hovering like, ooh, don't knock it over. Yeah. Because sometimes they will let the conveyor belt run until the first grocery falls down. Oh, sure. That's how they find out that it's at the edge. It's like, guys, visually you could tell. You know what I mean? I wonder if they just can't stop it.

I don't know. Is it on an automatic thing, or are they hitting a pedal? And I am friends with a lot of those guys. A lot of regular people. But we don't talk about their jobs for the most part. No, and I, yeah, they always have so many questions for me. So that's the story for the beginning. Hey, welcome to Hollywood Handbook,

and it's I Just Got to Kicking Butt and Dropping Names in the Red Carpet Linebacker. How is this industry we call showbiz? Industry we call showbiz. What up, what up? We have been wanting to talk about this, and people are saying, what do you guys want to do for the president?

He's telling the truth, guys. And it is important, And this is our thing. I have a few things, but go ahead. No, but this is the main one. One of the main ones. Both sides, it's like they're being so stupid. Both sides. They're being worms.

And it's like, which side side do you want do you want the ugly bugs uh-huh or do you want the old like old dirty yeah bad looking bugs yeah the old dirty bugs yeah no it really is a choice between do you want to die from eating bugs or do you want to be poisoned by bugs? Because when you really start to look at it, it's both sides is some kind of negative sort of bug thing. And this is part of my whole thing about this year, which is Boo 2016. Can it just not be a year anymore?

Can we start? Here's an expression I like to use. I go, hey, you can start your day over anytime you want. Woke up, stubbed your toe, somebody drank your strawberry milk, sorry to bring it up, but it happened. You're saying,

well, this day is just terrible and it's going to bring it up, but it happened. You're saying, well, this day is just terrible. It's going to keep on going that way. No, what I do is I go into a bathroom stall. You saw me do this right before. I get on top of the toilet. I have his hold my feet and I get my head down really close to the water and I just refresh myself by splashing some of the cold toilet water onto my face and I go all right it's a brand new day you know let's start over and I'd like to do that with the year 2016 so if we could all collect that is how and that is an ancient that's how the Mayans used to you know like the Mayan. That is how they used to decide when the day had begun. Oh, yeah.

People think it was like moon cycles or something. It's like, bad news, buddy. The moon doesn't do what you tell it. But your body can, if you get on the toilet, have somebody hold your feet, get way down towards the water, and just splash some of that nice, cold, clean, refreshing water on your face from the crisp porcelain bowl and just sort of say, this is a new day. I'm deciding now it's year.

What year do you want to make it? For me, the best year for it to be would be 2013 when we were just starting to do this. Yeah. And we had Jake Johnson. We had Jake Johnson and Jake Fogelnest in the queue. Yep. So we had a couple.

We had the two Jakes. And it seemed like it could be a really big show. There was a lot of hope back then, and we had not seen. Split Sider. We had a Split Sider article very early. And we had not seen... Splitsider. We had a Splitsider article very early. Had an interview right away where it seemed like maybe this thing didn't have a really firm ceiling on it.

So, Boo 2016. And this is to the larger point, which is... I wish I didn't have to even vote for any of these guys. Oh, yeah. And this is actually the thing. This is what South Park is so smart about. They didn't have to even vote for any of these guys. Oh, yeah. And this is actually the thing. This is what South Park is so smart about, is they're always saying the smart thing,

which is like, all these guys are being so ridiculous. Oh, yeah. Even just having politics in a lot of ways is ridiculous. It's phony. What you could have is just a phone call or something. Do you want more? Please. Maybe somebody just called me up and say like, which law?

Yeah. And just only give me a couple to choose from at a time. And then call me again next week, same time. Yeah. And we'll figure out another law. But the fact that they're doing it all at once with like 200 people. Yeah. It's crazy making.

200 people calling you on the phone. Yes. To ask about so many different laws. From the hill with every law. And some of these bills, the stuff tacked on them. I mean, you got to read some of this stuff, man, because I can't make heads or tails of it. I can't believe some of the things that are in here. Dude, when I'm looking at these bills.

Everyone, they're always adding extra, more planes, more, more, more planes. Oh, yeah. How many of these do we need? You know, I mean, a big mistake that got made early on was don't call it a plane. Call it a fancy. Now I'm excited. Oh, that's interesting. You think that a plane, like an airplane?

Yeah, it's like plane. Oh, you think an airplane should be called a fancy? It's like plain yogurt. Give me some fancy yogurt. But I digress this is all this is all toward what we want to do for this episode which is pick the president that we want and and endorse somebody finally and sean and i have talked about this a lot. Yeah, but I wasn't really listening. But Hayes has picked a president, I think. And you come with me.

When we vote. We ask if we can go together. We do have a sweater that makes us look like Siamese twins. And so we'll get in the sweater, sort of stuck on you style, put our arms around each other. And then we have one big boot that we put our middle feet in. And hopefully this year Hayes clips his toenails, folks. But we go in and vote together, and so it's been a long time coming,

picking who we're going to vote for, and Hayes is going to announce a candidate here today. We want to endorse Gary Johnson for president. Now, I think this is very exciting. Doonesbury is a very good comic. And the Farsight, which he also did. So this is a guy who's done two comics, both of which have pretty clean perspective. And those were two comics that were mentioned on my episode of High and Mighty, which I'm wondering if you have checked it out yet.

I've heard it's doing very well. Oh, it was very well received. It's had a very long tail. The listens continue to pile up and just and count on at least one more coming in too as soon as i get around to that um it really was a great episode yeah well gary johnson who is the dunesbury man uh can draw these guys who are sort of like Nixon era, you know, guys who are up to all kinds of hijinks. His word bubbles have a little too much words for me to really take on the content. But the drawing is beautiful.

This is the only thing that we're saying. They give you these two options. One of them is like a gross mud puddle. Yeah, with bugs in it. Yeah. And the other is like old milk. I don't know what to bring that up. But the other one is like an old milk puddle.

Yeah, strawberry milk puddle. And it's starting to sort of create bugs. And I say, why can't we just, why does it have to be that way? Why don't we have this third guy who has, who is sort of. Who's maybe made out of like what? Well, it's just like. Just leaves and sticks or something. Sure.

Yeah. You don't have to choose. You know, you don't have to just pick the person that they want to tell you to pick. You don't have to choose between the two. You got to choose. You pick the person that they want to tell you to pick. You don't have to choose between the two. You got to choose. You choose the third thing, which is like leaves and sticks. Yes, you choose the third thing. Because it's more punk rock, and it's not, you know, the mainstream one thing,

which is being so dumb, and the other thing, which is like also very stupid. Yeah, and I kind of agree with Hayes almost. And I kind of agree with Hayes almost. So when you go on Super Tuesday to do your biggest vote, please do keep in mind some of what we talked about here. Just because one side is being crazy, don't forget the other side is, guess what, guys? It's also messed up. Being crazy. Yes. the other side is guess what guys it's also messed up being crazy

yes so Jed D'Angelo is going to be here in one second on Hollywood Handbook I think um

so it's uh me it's Roger Rabbit and it's a can of beans and um we're uh you know

we're on the flag, obviously, and the flag is for our soccer team. Because whoever our backup goalie is, when he's not in the goal, is going to be running around with the flag at the other team, sort of like this is the banner. On the field. Yeah, on the field or just in the goalie's face or maybe he's hitting people is the banner. On the field. Yeah, on the field or just like in the goalie's face

or maybe he's like hitting people with the flag, you know, if the ref's back is to them. Stretching the flag across the goal. Yeah, well, that's a great way to stop the soccer ball from getting in our goal. Like, although he's not going to be the goalie at that time, but that's a rule that the flag can't be, you know. So anyway, it's really good, but it's really big, like maybe too big. Yeah.

Like maybe a person can't hold it because it's the size of a building. Mm-hmm. And also Roger Rabbit looks like he's melting just because the artist, I guess, was like tripping out. Oh, okay. And also, I look like you. Yeah. And also, the can of beans doesn't say beans on it. Oh, wow.

And so it could be a can of anything. Because sometimes I notice when you're at parties and you're eating the can of beans and you're in a conversation, because you are, is it IPFJ? No, no, no, no. I'm INFT. INFT.

Yeah. Because you are INFT, sometimes at parties when you are holding the can of beans and eating from it and having a conversation, you will just kind of uncomfortably like peel the label. Just pick at the label of the beans. And I think that maybe the photo that I sent, the candid photo of me eating a can of beans, cold beans at a party,

to the artist who was commissioned to render the flag might have been from one of those nights where I was probably feeling a little nervous and a little bit wanted to find a way to get inside my shell. So that's what's on the flag, is a drawing of you eating? No, the beans are a separate entity. You just sent it to the- I was very clear about that.

To the artist. And to you, Hayes. But I just didn't understand why you would send that picture to the artist who did the flag. Oh, why did I send that artist that picture i'm all over the place these days no the flag just is the team what it says the team yeah soccer team yeah and then at the bottom it says stop which is like to the ball stopping the ball I just don't I want to talk

about this anymore you're being like very weird your energy because of the thing I said about you sending questioning why

you were there your energy is just giving me like the heebie-jeebies and I know I thought I just did genuinely want to know

it did it really threw me off. And I'm not saying this in a defensive way to hurt you, but people have been telling me that you have an energy that gives them the heebie-jeebies lately and that maybe you're changing and that people are less comfortable around you. A lot of your friends.

People whose opinion you value. For stuff like this? You want a short list of who said it? Yes. Kevin Huvane, Brian Lord, Jack Rapke. Wow. Mike Ovitz, Ron Meyer, Lee Gabler. Yeah.

You want to keep going? Tom Ross. You want more? These are all the CAA guys. Yes. And the fact that you just read... Is it just a coincidence that you just read that book and all those guys? I didn't read it.

I listened to it. Hey, welcome to Hollywood Handbook, an insider's guide to kicking a button, dropping names in the red carpet linebacker. Always to this industry we call showbiz. We have an exciting thing to do today. Big, exciting, and going to be really fun. Which is that a lot of people have been saying that they don't like the way we do the show anymore with how we have been trying to innovate on the format sometimes

and do it in a little more different, interesting way. And to be fair, some of the way that we innovate on the format sometimes is we sort of lazily come in, record an interview, decide we want to go home and don't have an intro piece or any real direction of the interview. And people don't like that? They didn't like the first thing either. No, they didn't like either way, but now they've decided they like the old one better. They just know that they don't like what's happening right now.

Yes. And so it must be that they like the other thing more. So we're going to try that again. We're very excited about that. Yeah. And as a guy who, you know, I am making the show for the audience. I want them to like it. So if they tell me they want that, okay, great.

Some people say I make my art for myself. Well, how could I be making this podcast for myself when I don't listen to it, I don't really understand what it is, I don't know why I come here, and I don't like it. I listen to it when I know why I come here. And I don't like it. I listen to it when I make other people listen to it. Yeah, that's right. I'll be like, check this. This one's really good.

Listen to this. And then I just keep skipping forward going, not this part, not this part. This is funny. And I'll look at them the whole time that they're listening to it with a big smile. I'm going, uh-huh. And then as they're not reacting, I do kind of just like scratch forward, just like tick down the timeline and go, no, no, no, not this part, not this part. And I go, oh, one more thing, one more thing.

And then I'll catch the very end of something that I thought was funny that I said. And then I'll go back. And I go like, oh, let's go back. And then I go, too far, too far. So we got a guess, and that's what we used to do on the show, so that's what we're doing now. Jen D'Angelo is here. Jen D'Angelo.

And we did a whole intro part already, and did you hear that we made a political announcement? No, I did not. Oh, probably good to say that. Because it won't have come out now. There's no reason for you to refer to it now, but by the time it does come out, it will look stupid for you

to say that you haven't heard about it. Gotcha. Do you understand what I'm saying? Yeah. Because they'll have already heard about it because it will have just happened and for you to be like, oh, I don't know about that. Yeah, just kind of the way that you said it kind of was like setting yourself up in a way. Yeah, that's going to make you look stupid. Right, yeah. Well, I don't want to look stupid.

Me neither. D'Angelo, is that a sub shop or am I thinking of D'Agostino? You know what? It is a sub shop. Oh, good. Yeah, on the East Coast. Oh, wow. What am I getting there? Turkey sub or just meatball?

This is probably the territory. I'm just guessing, but we did get popcorn gallery questions, and I'll bet that there's this and the singer D'Angelo. Oh, that those both come in. Sometimes when we get popcorn gallery questions and I'll bet that there's this okay and the singer D'Angelo oh that those both come in sometimes when we get popcorn gallery questions and when I say sometimes I mean every time people just want to ask questions about the person's name and there's no real thought put into it so you are doing the tv show and tell me every last little thing. Oh, gosh. Well, yeah, it's just this huge smash hit on MTV called Loosely Exactly Nicole. I'm sure you've heard about it, seen it, watched it, loved it.

Yeah. Yeah. And you are Nicole. Yeah, I play Nicole. Oh, congratulations. Thank you. Yeah, it was originally written for Nicole Byer. Yeah.

By Nicole Byer. But then she kind of, I came in on the first day and I just was like, I think I would do this better. Yeah. Everyone agreed. Yeah. What is it? Why is comedy so good? Why is it so nice to be funny?

Why do I love to laugh? When did you first realize you were so funny? I mean, pretty much right out of the gate. It just kind of like came. What is that a response to? Sorry? Which question are you answering? I'm answering why, what was the first question?

The first question was, why is comedy so good? Why is it so nice to be funny? Right out of the gate. Right, right out of the gate. Why is it so nice to be funny? Why do I like to laugh? When did you learn you were so funny? And when did you learn that you were so funny?

Right, so I'm going to say that right out of the gate is the answer for the first four of those. Okay. That's why you like to laugh, because, you know, it just gets you rolling. Yes. Being funny is almost like being, like, part of a different species, isn't it? Yeah, totally.

It's kind of like, I like to describe it as, like, when you go see, like, one of the X-Men movies. Uh-huh. And, you know, you look at the mutants, and you're like, they're so much better than all of the other just sort of like dumb dopes. Yes. And there's the one, there's the senator saying like, we've got to get rid of all these X-Men.

And that's PC culture. And he's humorless. That's PC culture. And he's humorless. That's PC culture saying what jokes I can't make. And I would also say that we have the added benefit of we don't have to have like green hair. Right. Yeah. We could! Jared Leto's Joker.

But we don't have to. Why are you being so serious? Talking about the senator from X-Men, is that related to the political announcement that you mentioned earlier? Oh, no. So when you're in the funny zone,

are you ever just like, wow, like looking at yourself? Yeah. Yeah. Um, speak on that. It's crazy because sometimes they're going to go nuts for this. So yeah, sorry. When you're in the funny zone, are you looking at yourself? Yeah, and that's like the hardest part about being a comedian, I would say, is that when you're being so funny, you can't help but kind of be outside of your own body. Sorry. I'm being reminded that a big part of comedy is...

It's Kevin. Kevin's here. —that is very admirable is telling a story about going to the bathroom. Yeah. I mean, that's sort of the highest level of being a public figure comedian is to be like, oh, I accidentally went to the bathroom once. I never get tired of it. I don't want to hear any stories from you about that. Okay, good.

But I would love for you to respond to a story from Hayes about something like that. Sure. Just honestly. And you want me to tell a story about that? Yeah. You can do it after the show. Here's what I've, like, can I combine that with the other thing I think is the highest form of comedy? Okay.

Which is making up a one-line song parody in your house based on something that you're doing. Like, give me something to do in the house. Okay, fold the laundry okay fold the laundry fold the laundry uh here's my tweet if you haven't sung toto's hold the line with the lyrics fold the laundry you haven't lived so that's just something i was doing in my house i'll be saying like for the laundry and then i'll tweet that's's a tweet. What about like if you were washing the dishes? Oh.

Okay. Okay. Okay. All along the wash dishes. Like that. Like wash dishes instead of wash tower. Hayes, this one's razor sharp.

And so that becomes my tweet. Oh, Hayes. She's funny, Hayes. She came up with the washing dishes thing out of nowhere. But here's the other format I like to do. Just saying all along the wash dishes to the tune of all along the watchtower. So, yeah, I think I'm doing okay. That's the other format for my song.

You could tell people who aren't doing that that they're doing it wrong. Yeah. If you haven't done, yes't doing that, that they're doing it wrong. Yeah. If you haven't done, yes, this song parody, you're doing it wrong. Mm hmm. Uh,

you could maybe say like, someone should tell the band about it. Like the original band. Yeah. You could say, so that just happened. Yeah. That is my favorite.

And sort of leave it. So that just happened. Do you want to try? It can be really good. Okay. And who's going to give her a task? Do you have a cat? Something empowering.

I don't have a cat. Something empowering. I've tried. Don't make it a domestic thing. You know what I mean? Right. Okay. You're starting a business.

Breaking a leaf, bro. Oh, yeah. Okay. Starting a business. Okay. You're starting a business. Breaking a leaf, bro. Oh, yeah. Okay, starting a business. Okay. And take your time. Hayes obviously came in with those ahead of time. I have so many. So many.

I'm just like backed up with them in my head right now. And don't do taking care of business. That's one of mine. That's why. Don't do it because that's my main one. I was thinking about taking care of business, but thought too easy you know too easy uh-huh so here's my tweet there is no such thing for this genre of tweet right go ahead uh my tweet would be thinking about starting a business and singing it to the tune of we are the champions to guarantee future success so that happened that's good

that's good and maybe then something about how you're an adult who shit yourself and then that's and that's fucking like you'll get a lot of praise for that it's like maybe do keep it a secret if you want to be a no-name like fucking loser but if you want to be a big-time comedian who people are really identifying with you better be like oh and then I shit before I even could get like out of my car so that might be a comedic thing um I now I'm jealous that I didn't get to do a song could you give me a task? Do you want yours to be empowering, or would it be better for you if it was like... Is it better for women if yours is like...

And here's a good response when you get two choices, and Jen, you can use this. A little from column A, a little from column B. Okay. How about brushing the cat? You can have the cat one. Brushing the cat. Yeah.

Okay. All right. Okay. I am going to nail this. You got this, Shano. Can I get a different one? Yes. What? Maybe Jen should give it to one? Yes. What?

Maybe Jen should give it to me. Okay, what was wrong? We're not using the guest enough. What was wrong with that one? It's just, it's not a good one. I mean, do you want to make me fucking say it, Hayes? Here, I'll give you one. I'll give you one.

Yeah, great. Brush the cat. Yeah, honestly, brushing the cat is just so fun. It's really good. But maybe Jen would give me one. We're not using the guest enough. You of all people. That's why, yeah.

What if you had to, what if you were washing your cat? Okay, okay, that's better, yeah. Now that's a suggestion, Hayes. Hold on, hold on. I can't do wash the cat like Rock the Cat's Bob because he's did it. That's his. What's even a song? You know what?

I actually did think of one. You guys go first. We'll all do it. Okay. I actually did think of one. You guys go first. We'll all do it. Okay, here's my tweet. If you haven't sung to your cat, I'll be washing you to the tune of I'll be watching you. While you wash him? Mm-hmm.

You're doing it wrong. Yeah, yeah. Something with watch. you changed the word watch here's my tweet good good if you're not singing washing my cat to the tune of the state farm jingle

you're doing it wrong that's good you can hashtag ad you have to put hashtag ad hashtag ad and then they have to pay you hashtag ad. You have to put hashtag ad on that. Hashtag ad. And then they have to pay you.

Hashtag ad. Oh, good. So we all went. Jen, your Twitter is at JenLikesPizza. Yeah. Why are you allowed to do that? Well, I mean, I'm like a classic Hollywood bad boy. Right, but it should be your name.

Yeah. Yeah. Why do you want that to be your name? You're doing something in the tweet hair handle. Right. I mean, I just thought this is a format that everyone's so familiar with. You know, it's just at your name. Yeah, but there's a reason for that.

Which is we're on here to be, you know, about that one thing at least. We're here to be honest and upfront with each other. And so, like, you're not hiding behind how you like pizza with the stuff that you say. Right. And it's also bad for your business when people see something you tweet that's so funny and they say, oh, who is this? I would love to be able to tell my friends about this person. Oh, I don't know.

I have even worse news for you about her handles. I have even worse news. Do you know this already, Hayes? That she changed her Instagram name to at Pistachio Disguisey one mere week after the famous Hayes Howell ad where he portrayed Pistachio Disguisey and it broke the internet.

I did a major Howell ad. Huge. Where I was Pistachio Disguisey. It took a long time to do. Look, you guys, I thought we had buried this hatchet and we weren't going to talk about this. I would not have come here if I thought we were going to get back into it. We just did

an episode where we had this old feud with someone. You don't have to know this. We had this old feud with someone where we were sort of working through it. So we kind of can't do that with this um but i love the idea obviously i had it's a great instinct no it's a great because

we uh we obviously were fans of that idea we did it um but we just can't we had done it before it was like a week ago we had done it before yeah um so uh you are into all kinds of cool nerd stuff oh this will be great nerds is cool now

yes we always we always used to do that yeah nerds is cool yeah and bullies is pumping our gas and

comic books kind of your only friends before? you brought up X-Men yeah um it's interesting I definitely uh

had no friends for a long time and so I did let kind of media just take the place of my friends and family

to be completely honest who were some of the X-Men? um well my favorite X-Man is Storms. Oh, gosh. Too scary. Smashing with the lightning.

Yeah, he did that. Yeah. And then... He was just so great at bringing in big storms. Oh, yeah. He was. He was bringing in cyclones and all kinds of stuff. That's another one of my favorites.

Storms is one of the meanest ones, but it's too scary. And do you think Haze kind of looks like Brighton from The Nanny as a grown-up? I could see that, yeah. I'll be completely honest. I haven't looked directly at Hayes this entire time because of all the heebie-jeebies. Oh, I thought you were going to say you haven't looked directly at the nanny,

and I was going to be like, girl, you should. I can't listen to that song. Never mind. Yeah, I guess I am giving up a lot of PBGBs. I'm hogging all the water. Hayes, what's on your phone, brother? I'm getting the questions. Oh, yeah.

We're going to need them. And now, Josh, this is big for you. This is the moment of truth. Because this is when we play the song, and normally we don't even have the engineers do it. Usually I do it. I'm ready. I got this.

Okay. Okay. So while the song's playing, just a quick overview of what the Popcorn Gallery is. Obviously, you haven't been on the show before. Have you been on any of your shows before? I haven't. Oh, okay.

So we did forget to do something. We'll lay this in before. Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. We'll stop the song and do back it up to the beginning. We will hear the whole thing. It has to be heard in one piece. It took way too long to stop. Yeah, it has to be heard in one piece.

It must be blooded once it's been drawn. So, because you've never been, we can't do it now, but so, one thing we do like to do on the show that we sometimes forget is if we're the first

people to get an Earwolf guess, we will tell every other Earwolf show that they do have to get all the way down there and suck on these. So we're the first to get to D'Angelo, so do you know of an Earwolf show? I guess like Hard Nation, I would say. Hard Nation

has some hard luck. Get on down and have a hard nosh on these. Yeah, have a hard nosh on some of these. Get on down and have a hard notion. Have a hard notion on some of these. Suck on these. Another Earwolf show that exists. Katie Couric. If we haven't done her, I would say muster up some Katie Courage

and get all the way down there and do have a big old suck on knees. Those two shows have to suck on knees. They didn't get D'Angelo. We did. And now we can do the popcorn. I don't want to do the Josh already.

Josh, I don't say this lightly. You've exposed yourself as a fraud. I'm sorry. So Josh is a fraud. Engineer. Josh is a fake engineer. Not really an engineer.

For anyone listening at home going like, well, even when we said Josh, they probably were like, what the hell? Like checking their, taking off their earphones and looking at them like, somebody put booze in these? You know, and then toss them over their shoulder like an old hobo who goes off the jug at last.

And Jen, what's your perspective on Josh before we continue? Yeah. Related to how he is a liar. What a fake. And he's a fake fraud. It was immediately evident when I walked in that he was not one of the hosts

and therefore just not an important person. So I don't have space in my brain to form an opinion about anything. I'm a producer. It technically outrakes century. Not even. Not getting that vibe though right now. And getting, well, heebie-jeebie wise where's Josh at for you?

Off the charts. Yeah. Yeah. Doesn't even have a number for it. He gives me the heebie-jeebies and that means that he's sort of like

because I can feel myself putting out so many heebie-jeebies on him it's almost like a war between two wizards. You know how sometimes they'll hold out their hands and they'll both be like

pushing their powers on each other? That's kind of what Josh and I are doing with our heebie-jeebies. Big trouble in Little China. Yeah. If you remember, I was going to explain the Popcorn Gallery and it will need a song. We'll hear it again

and you should already be on that. It should be happening now. The Popcorn Gallery, what is it? You're wondering. Well, sometimes because the show's about movies, we don't want to say peanuts when you're talking about something that would be the peanut gallery because it's about movies. You are a friend but also a famous actress and accomplished comic mind so people

want to pick your brain with the questions and their listeners and we're the hosts so they tell the hosts hey we're listeners we're gonna have to pick at the mind of this comic actress with questions and

we get them from the Popcorn Gallery. So do you have any questions? Yeah, I guess my one question would be, why did you laugh when you called me an accomplished comic mind? Because Hayes is tickling me. Oh, okay. Yeah. Oh, thank God.

Hayes had a tickler on his shoe, and he reached under the table and tickled. I, you know, not to get too graphic, but. Here's a question. Oh, God. I'm going to have to reach into the bag and get the question. So I hate that we're having to explain so much to you, but it's just been so long. My friend Mark from high school who has a job pushing dumpsters into each other for a living,

pushing dumpsters into each other for a living. We have commissioned him to create a series of sound drops. We play the sound drop. It is the sound of someone reaching into a bag of popcorn. And pulling out. What they pull out is some surprise, which represents the question which is then asked. Great. Great. No, I'm going to hold something in here.

That's good. Aha! It's the Rubik's Cube from the movie Pursuit of Happiness. I'm going to mess it all up. Still solved. It's still perfect. There you go. Mark sounds older.

He's hit some hard times. It has been a while. I haven't brought up Mark because things have not been going great for him. But he also sounds refreshed in terms of material. There was a time when he had really dried up, but that was good. Don't you agree, Jen? I love that, and I can't believe that that's not his profession, that he's just pushing dumpsters together for a living. Oh, yeah, no, that is his job. He's not his profession, that he's just pushing dumpsters together for a living. Oh, yeah.

No, that is his job. He's been even doing that badly. He's missing one dumpster within each other. That's chaos, yeah. And they go right in the ocean. Wow. Wow. Which is bad for pollution.

Yeah, that trash island. He does it on a cliff. He's adding to it. Yeah. This question's from Superman. Okay. S-O-U-P. Oh, okay.

So you're getting a sense of where we're coming from comedically here. Jen, your mic stand work is so unique. I was wondering if that's a choice or if it just comes naturally. So I was a fan of your comedy. Oh, that's so interesting. Talk about some of the stuff that you do with, because you do stand-up comedian. Yeah, I do stand-up comedian.

And Saturday Night Live? Yeah, I was on Saturday Night Live for, I think, oh gosh, it was like 11 seasons or something like that. You hosted for 11 seasons. Yeah, just hosted. And they were like, please, you know, come back. And I said no. Yeah, no time. Yeah, it's. And I said no. Yeah, no time.

Yeah. It's just I don't like New York. Here's a Saturday Night Live sketch, and maybe tell Lauren about this. Mm-hmm. It's a manager in an Indian restaurant, and a guy's coming up to him. I don't know which guy you want to play, which one, but either one. And a guy's coming up to him and trying to tell him that there's something wrong with the very specific flatbread they have there.

And he's saying, sir, you have a non-issue. And the manager's like, oh, thank you. Because he thinks, he's saying like it's not, you know, there's no issue here. Right. Like it's a non-issue. Right issue here right like it's a non-issue right right like it's a non-issue you know the manager thinks you have it you have a non-issue is a couple of hang on this get just 25 minutes long i'm getting to it so then somebody else uh says like hey, quit talking about this. This non-issue here is a non-starter.

Now the customer is confused. He goes, no, I have a non as an entree. I didn't get the starter. And so, you know, and this is about minute eight, minute nine. It takes a long time for the customer to come up to the conversation. Well, he's on frigging roller skates. He's never used them before. I'm crying.

I'm crying. I have a pitch for your sketch, if I could be so bold. Please. What if one of the customers had a, you know, their name was Sog Paneer? And so late in the sketch, you know, they think that everything is all, you know, sorted out. And then, you know, they're like, well, Sog Paneer is out because Sogpaneer is maybe upset with how things have unfolded. And so he leaves.

And then everyone else in the restaurant is very confused because they think the dish is out. And that's what they came for. Yes. And that's, I mean, this really works for me because whenever somebody comes up, they say, you know, would you like to order just a quick note? The Sogpaneer is out. Yeah.

And so they sort of let you know that way. And I'm wondering if all of the people's names should be like Lamb Vindaloo or like Veggie Samosa. Yes, I'm wondering if that actually has opened up a whole world where this sketch now is maybe actually a full-length movie. Yeah. Thank you. Well, you know, all those SNL movies are huge hits.

But I digress. We had a question about mic stand. Oh, right, the mic stand. Yeah, what you do with the mic stand when you're on stage. Yeah, well, when I'm doing stand-up comedy, my usual thing with the mic stand is just trying to do really anything with it. Like getting the mic out is always a struggle. Getting the mic back in is damn near impossible.

So I always just try to get it as far away from me as possible, as quickly as possible. And then, you know, I'll frequently just get really mad at it at the end. Yeah. Is this true? Yeah, that's all true. Good. And you say to someone in the audience, here, hold this. Yeah.

And they have to hold the – I guess it's like you feel like it's their issue now. Right, right. And I will say this is my only failure that I've ever had in comedy was that I was so bad at getting the mic back in the mic stand that I was like, I should make a joke out of this and turn it into comedic gold. So I tried to end a stand-up set by saying, I'm going to end on an impression.

Here's an impression of an awkward, sweaty girl just trying to get the mic back in the mic stand. And then for the first and only time in my life i did it perfectly wow and so everyone um you know was just silent they had no idea what i was doing and so that's why i hate the mic stand um because it made me bomb that's some weird psychological voodoo right i have a pitch for your mic stand bit. Thank you, yeah. You were so helpful with my non-sketch.

It's a movie now. It's a non-sketch. You could do it all day. But is that you knock the stand over and you go, we're going to have to rename this thing. It should be a mic lie down. So I'll be right back you two keep at it okay uh here well you have to go uh we'll just play the sound drop play the sound drop but i'm just gonna go quick. I just got a thing.

Here's another question from the bag. Got some stuff in the kiln that I got to check out. Then just play the sound drop. Yeah. I'm going to get something really good. I hope I didn't set the bar too high with that last one. Oh, good. I got it.

It's the Rubik's Cube from the one episode of Fresh Prince where he's meeting with the dean of Princeton or whatever. And Carlton bombed his interview. And then you assume that Will's not going to do well because he's way too casual for a stuffy university like that. But then he immediately solves the Rubik's Cube on the desk. And then that shows that he's so smart, he should go to Princeton, and then he had to show you again that he could solve a Rubik's Cube in the movie Pursuit of Happiness

when he played that other guy who actually can solve a Rubik's Cube too. Hang on, I'm going to mess it up. It's still solved. Still solved. Oh, there we go. Wow. I just wonder if Mark is prepared for how many questions we usually...

It just seems like to be pulling out more Rubik's Cubes from Will Smith... I'm back. Who are you talking to? Projects. I was talking to Josh. Hello? Hi. What are you talking to? Projects. I was talking to Josh. Hello? Hi. What did I just say?

You're talking about Rubik's Cubes from Will Smith's projects. You weren't actually listening. Can I just say the glaze on these kiln items magnifique. Here's a question from Jeffrey Parties.

Dear Jen, how can I be funnier than my father-in-law we have a big dinner coming up and he always makes my sweetheart laugh way harder than i ever have i'm afraid she's gonna leave me for her dad or someone who looks similar like dustin hoffman thanks love your work, Chief. Oh, okay. Was he calling me Chief or was he signing off as Chief? No, he's definitely calling you Chief because it says Jeffrey Parties after that. Oh, great, great, great. Well, Mr. Parties, I think you not only have to be funnier than your father-in-law,

you have to also humiliate him. And I think a good way to do that is, you know, to place some like well, you know, well organized, well placed whoopee cushions around the house so that at your next gathering, he's just constantly farting. And everyone in the family at first is laughing and then they're getting really concerned. And then at the height of their concern, you admit, I did that. That was me. And now look at how mad he is. He's not a great guy. And also, wasn't that so funny?

And if at the same time, just because we're in this area, when he's done farting, if you could shit yourself and tell people about it, that would make you a pretty popular comedian. Exactly. Because he's been, you know, everyone thinks that he's been farting so much. And so you could say a line like, you know, what, are you going to shit yourself? Oh, wait, that's my job. And then you turn around and reveal that you shit yourself. And everyone will scream and laugh. Funny, but vulnerable, but just like human moment that we've all had many times.

Here's my tweet. but just like human moment that we've all had many times. Absolutely. Here's my tweet. If you're not singing whoopee there it is to the tune of whoop there it is when you're planting whoopee cushions under your father-in-law at the big dinner, you're doing it wrong. Do you have a father-in-law, Jen? I'm about to. I'm getting married in February.

I'm about to. I'm about to. Remember? Oh, is February. I'm about to. I'm about to. Remember? Oh, is that an inside joke that I just jumped on? No, no, no. That's friggin' crisscross.

Oh, gosh. Get out of town. February. Warm it up, Chris. I'm about to. If you're not saying I'm about to like they do

in that crisscross song Warm It Up, then you're messed up. Getting married on Valentine's Day? Four days after. Four days after. We were so close, but just couldn't make it happen. It definitely would have been a good choice.

Is dude like a total badass? Dude's a total badass. By the way, if you're not singing dude's a total badass to the way If you're not singing Dude's a total badass To the tune of Dude Looks Like a Lady When you're looking at your fiance You're doing it wrong I'm going to comment underneath that if you don't mind This

Yes I'm going to I'm going to say this is everything At Jen Likes Pizza Is my spirit animal. Here's another question from the bag. Sorry, Josh. Oh. Josh, you are a fraud.

Okay, I'm going to get something else in here. Really got to show Hayes. Oh, this is really big when I'm pulling out. It's the two Rubik's Cubes from the talk show that Will Smith went on from the guy who had the true story about pursuit of happiness when they raced each other to see who could do the Rubik's Cube faster on the Australian talk show. And the guy's kind of doing it as if it's a fun thing.

But Will Smith's super fucking serious about it, and it's very important to him to win. And he barely wins, but it seems like it just made it kind of not fun. They're both still solved. I'll just mess them up. This one's still soft. This one's still soft. Let me start on that one.

That's a soft do. Okay, now they're both messed up. This is a question from Megan Coppies. Jen, an elderly teacher at the school I went to growing up told me girls aren't meant to be funny. I'd never land a husband. Now, years later, I'm happily married, but my husband is sticking it to his secretary. What should she do about that? She asked kind of a leading question afterwards about what she should do,

but I think you should tell her. As a funny bride-to-be? Yeah. Wow. Gosh. I have so much expertise in this area as a bride and as a titan of comedy. as a bride and as a titan of comedy. I mean, I hate to jump straight to, you know,

something as drastic as murder. But I honestly just, I don't see any way, any other way around it. I don't know if you guys are familiar with the film. TV show Murder and the Person? Oh, no. Yeah, oh. No, what film?

Daniel Benzali. Murder by Numbers. The film Obsession starring Beyonce Knowles and Idris Elba. I believe it's called Obsession. No, wait. Is that what it's called? Well, it's a classic. Josh is nodding yes.

Oh, Josh is nodding yes. But as we know, Josh is famously a liar and a thief. A total phony. And he's committing an act of stolen valor by pretending to be an engineer. I'm probably wrong. Don't listen to me. That's stolen valor. But Obsession is a fantastic film in which Idris Elba is married to Beyonce Knowles, and then he starts having an affair with someone who works in his office.

Beyonce is everything. Beyonce is everything. She's a queen. office. Yeah, Beyonce is everything. Beyonce is everything. She's a queen. I heard that someone said this, and I hope it's just one of those urban myths, but I heard that someone said that lemonade was not a work of art. And I got so mad that I squeezed right through the cup I was holding. And the cup was made of rocks. It was a stone cup that said the Rolling Stones painted on it.

I was like, I guess a joke about what it was made of. And I squeezed through it from being so mad. What do you mean? I mean, this is from your kiln. Is that why you're making more? Yeah, because I squeeze through so many because every time I go to take a drink these days I just remember I heard someone said it wasn't

a work of art and I was like because one great thing about art is once everyone's decided it's good, you can say it's good, and now you're friends with all of them.

Speaking of sketches, the Bajency, why is that your favorite sketch? I just, I mean the title alone. Why do you like that more than the identical ones they did about Adele and Taylor Swift?

Well, see, here's where we disagree, Hayes. I don't think they're identical at all. Because Beyonce is a completely different type of human being. Here's another question from the bag. Oh, God, what's going to be in here? Oh, God, it's going to be such a stretch, whatever it is. It's the control panel from the alien spaceship in Independence Day that there was only one person on Earth who could figure out how to fly it,

and that was Will Smith essentially solving a puzzle that only he could solve. So in essence, the control panel is sort of like a Rubik's Cube and the spaceship is flying really good let me just mess it up all done here's two questions one's from NoHorseman and one's from ChickenSandwich

NoHorseman asks Jen did your mom Beverly ever say if Chevy Chase was a good kisser? Yes, constantly. She did say whether or not he was? Yeah. Okay. She would just say. What'd she say?

She would just go, if he's a good kisser, and I'm not saying. Yes, okay. I would gladly do another movie with him. Okay. But then sometimes she would be like, if he's a good kisser, and I'm not saying if he is or not, then I regret doing all those movies with him. So it's kind of, I guess I never really got a good read on it. Yeah. I guess I never really got a good read on it.

And Chicken Sandwich says, Jen, my teacher tried to shake my hand today, but I accidentally hugged him instead. Have you ever done something like that? Oh, yeah, constantly. Every person I meet, I think it's going to be a hug. But something about me, I guess, is just very unappealing, that people don't want to hug,

because everyone is always trying to shake my hand or even just give me like a wave. So I don't really have any advice on how to deal with it because it's something that I just experience constantly. And honestly, if anyone else has advice for me, I'll take it. Well, you could do what Hayes has done since this heebie-jeebie issue, which is try to get into creative fist bumps. And what he'll do after the fist bump is blow it up. And when he blows it up, he does almost a pantomime sketch of being on fire from it being blown up. And then he goes on this whole thing about how open fire can't melt steel. And it's pretty good.

And there's also a shake and bake in there from Talladega Nights. Oh, yeah. The Ballad of Ricky Bobby. Yeah, it's funny. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Freaking big cat. And now, since we're doing stuff

the way we always used to do it, I guess we give out the pro version again. Which we haven't done in so long. Jesus. And we have to pick something that's somebody's pro version prize based on something that was in the episode. Jen's name. And we have to pick something that's somebody's pro version prize based on something that was in the episode. Jen's going to have to give them a prize.

I mean, it's been years. I got a good idea for the prize. Great. Is that Jen will write a song for the person, like a parody song based on an empowering task. That's good. We did talk about that. So you pick out who's going to get the pro version,

and I'll come up with a task. I know the one I pitched before that kind of got overruled by starting a business was breaking a leaf blower. We can stick with that one, or I can come up with something, a whole new one. I think Jen should decide. Jen, do you want breaking a leaf bl Blower or do you want something else? Well, I figure I think it's a pro version.

So don't do the song yet. Just choose what you're going to do the song about. Oh, so he needs some time. So say if you want that suggestion and why. Uh-huh. Or if you don't and why not. I don't. And why not?

Well, you know, I just feel like I want to roll the dice and see what other activity we can come up with. Yeah, okay. Well, if you recall in the trailer for the film We Are Your Friends, they talk about how sort of their generation is not about SATs and study halls and stuff like that, that their generation, which is really our generation, can invent an app, sell things online. Those are some pretty high aspirations. Would either of those be activities you might like?

Yeah, I'm definitely interested in selling things online. Okay, yeah. Yeah, that sounds very fun to me. That's a pretty rich area. Yeah, exactly. Okay, so this is going to be, oh boy. So it's tough because you also have to use the name of the person that the pro version is being given to in your song. Great.

So you're selling things online as the theme. And one of the specifics that you have to use is the name of the person, which is Original Eskimo Booster Station. Sorry, what was that again? It's Original Eskimo Booster Station. Sorry, what was that again? It's Original Eskimo Booster Station. Okay. You do have to say their name in this one. Yeah. Great.

And I'm doing this right now. Oh, yeah. It has to be right now. Great. Can't wait. Okay, selling things online. Original Eskimo Booster Station. And it's a song in the form of a very specific tweet construction.

Right. Okay. Right. Okay. Gosh. One line song parody. Okay. In the form of the tweet construction. If you haven't sung blank to the tune of blank while doing this specific activity, selling things online, you're doing it wrong.

But it also has to include original Ask Him About Booster station. Oh, man. I mean, Sean, do you need help checking out new things in the kiln? Do it in a surprising way, too. Oh, yeah. Actually, that's right. I'm afraid that glaze might be getting a little too crispy. Hang on.

I'm going to run out to the kiln real fast. Okay, so Sean is checking out the kiln. But we don't need him here to do this. Okay, great. Okay, I think I've got it. It's just your thing. Right. Okay, good.

Okay. If you're not... Bye! Bye! Bye. Hollywood Handbook is brought to you by Wolf Cool Productions, a subsidiary of Calvin and Hobbes. Oh, baby. That was a HeadGum Podcast.