Hollywood Handbook - Jes Macallan, Our Close Friend

Episode Date: January 19, 2015

Hayes and Sean start with an analysis of this year's Oscar nominations and reactions, then open up the Teaser Freezer to talk Mortdecai. Then, JES MACALLAN from Mistresses stops by to talk about her favorite movies and make political statements. Then, the Popcorn Gallery is finally back to ask about flooring, nerd culture, and  the rules of business.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

this is a head gum podcast so lisa leslie is like oh like you know like i don't know how to play just like teach me the rules it's like she's like i think she's like a professional basketball player again no she is because because because she's so tall i thought like you's like a professional basketball this again no she is because because because she's so tall i thought like you must be a real basketball player but she just wanted me to like get behind her and like teach her have your shooting thing and just be like close to her but i can't even touch like when we're doing that i can't even reach the ball because she's so tall so i'm just kind of hugging her waist and she's just like making the shot

so it's like I think you already know how to do this and this is like. Right but then she's doing the whole like oh you're such a good teacher oh my gosh she's trying to juice you up yeah and then did you huh? I mean did you drill her after that? Yeah we did we set out the cones and I drilled her

with the dribbling drills. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, welcome to Hollywood Handbook. Inside the sky, the kicking butt and dropping names in the red carpet linebacker hallways of this industry we call showbiz. Is there an echo in here? In this industry we call showbiz. Is there an echo in here? It sounds like, what up, what up?

And we didn't work on that beforehand as much as that worked great what we're gonna do instead of what i put up yeah people hate it yeah that's true i guess people don't want to hear it anymore what should we say what about wagwan wagwan yeah wagwan that's pretty good people might like that well it sounds like it reminds me of wigwam it's like a dream you remember shaggy used to say that? It's like an island. Like an island's thing. Wagwan.

Yes. Wagwan, wagwan. Wagwan. What if I do, yeah, what if it's you do the intro and then I go, wagwan, wagwan. I think that would be nice. Just to put people in sort of an island place. Yeah, that would be good. And I'm learning, you know, I'm learning more about island culture because I grew up

in the farm world where we said howdy, you know, or we'd actually say that that's like a myth that they say howdy. What we would say is how do. How do. And it became howdy, I guess, as it made its way to the coast.

Yes, the fucking East Coast elite, I think, wanted to mock it. And so they changed the letters to make it seem like we couldn't say the word do. And you would never put a piece of hay in your mouth. No, the hay is filthy. That's another myth. Well, because I'm actually, as a farm person, I'm one of the only people that actually knows what's on that hay. And it is filthy. That's another myth. Well, because I'm actually, as a farm person, I'm one of the only people that actually knows what's on that hay,

and it is disgusting. But I like that because that's almost like a Blarney Stone thing where a lot of people are like, hey, I'm a hick, and they put the hay in their mouth, and I'm like, enjoy that. Because there's germs. Even when the cows eat it, they kind of are... A little grossed out. You can tell.

Yeah, they kind of are making a face like, I wish I had some other options, but I'm so hungry for hay. And that's the cow character that I'm doing in the new Cloudy with a Chance of Meat Bulbs movie. We wanted to talk about the Oscars. People seem to be very upset about this just like i turn on my phone and i'm getting all these texts from unnamed numbers just being mad and not even necessarily at me i don't know who these people are some of it is

coming at me yeah i'm like oh do you think i'm the only one making the decisions here? Yeah. Because it's like, but anyway, there's a lot of, you know, there are always snubs, supposedly. Because people want, I guess, everyone to get a nod. Is that what, is this what you want? You want every movie and every person who's in a movie to get a nod? If this is what you want, we can do this because you seem to get so angry. Everyone gets a trophy. Everyone gets a trophy. Now everyone gets a nom.

Yeah. Already, we extended the number of best pictures. We put on more because people were so pissed. Now more pictures are the best somehow. I don't know exactly how that works. But to the people that complain, we've had to say this about things before, but we'll say it again. It's not

a perfect system, but it's a damn good one. And we'd love to hear your pitches, by the way. If you have such a great idea for a new system, don't just knock down the old ideas. I'll tell you what their pitches are. Let's nominate anyone

who's not a white guyinate anyone who's not a white guy, because he's not a white guy, and they're all mad that all these white guys got nominated. I mean real pitches, and like not, like, real ones. Well, because let's base it on the movies and everyone's going, oh, the Oscars are whitewashed and it's all old white men and it's this

and that. And I'm like, did you forget that we gave you 12 years a slave last year? Yes, that's what's so ridiculous. I'm like did you forget that we gave you 12 years a slave last year yes that's what's so ridiculous i'm like that's why we did that so you would shut up and stop talking about this yes and now they come back and say like we made some of this time could you do it again we have another one can we do it again uh please sir may i have some more it's like dude we gave you that one did you see that movie it's like if you remember um there's a class

Peter Griffin goes to the sample man the free sample man at the store and he eats a free sample yeah okay and then he comes back in a mustache and then he wants another free sample because he's saying that he's like a

different guy he's doing a funny voice this time that's just what this is like and that's what it is i think it was actually talking about this issue that we're facing now and like it is a joke but it is also a joke when he does it because he's a cartoon man and the samples don't actually cost money they just have to draw yes and i think it did turn out that the mustache man was not actually him it was a but for the purposes of this metaphor it is the same person yes but this time it's like 12 years a slave last year but it's like coming back the same movie coming back and saying like oh my name is selma now yeah and it's like you can't just change the title of a movie and get another award. No. It has to be a different movie.

I mean, only Tom Hanks is allowed to do that. And he's earned it. He's earned it, yes. Because he's an American treasure. So do it for a while. But anyway, it pissed me off to hear so many people doing this complaining. And I just want to say, maybe try to have some kind of memory in your brain where you actually remember what we did last year. Which is, this is just like when we gave deaf people the artist.

And then the next year they were like, can we do another one? And they made some movie with Marlee Matlin or something. And they wanted that to get the Oscar. And I'm like, you can't. And if you want the Selma woman, is her name Selma? Uh,

Oh, um, if the person who made that, it's like, I think I don't know. I don't know. I don't know if her first name or last name is Selma or if it is her friend's name. Oprah and Selma and Gail?

Is it them? They're like the three. And Gail. They're like the sort of witches of Eastwick of Hollywood or something. Right? Like they're together as friends. Whichever one it is. The woman that they want.

They wanted this woman who made Selma to. Right. And that's another thing. Who either made who made selma to right and that's who either made that's another thing either made or is selma to be director of this oh right and it's gotta be a woman right and it's like uh hurt locker anyone and that was the movie barely even looked directed yes but we went ahead we gave it to bigelow partially because her last name's so funny but also because she is a woman and we didn't want to hear about that anymore. And if you want one of these people to get the nomination, please you be the one to tell Morton Tildum, director of Imitation Game, that he doesn't get one.

Yes, please. I'd love for you to be on the other end of that phone call. Please go knock on his door or, yes, or just call him up and say like, hey, we decided that this other person should have it instead of you because you didn't deserve it. Even though, you know, they made some movie, we don't even know what it is, and it's about some lady named Selma or something. And then he actually made a movie where

there's a whole story about when Turing was a little kid and being picked on as a little kid and his best friend who he was in love with and he names the computer after his friend. So just please get ready to go and watch that and enjoy it. And the little kid, we really like that part with the kids. I think that made the movie better and gave us some good context for this story

that wouldn't have been all that interesting on its own of them just breaking the code. I think what we really needed in that movie, and it was good that they noticed this, was to see a bunch of seats, some fucking little kids doing math problems, instead of watching the actual story of these pretty incredible code breakers and Blesley doing World War II,

which, who cares about that? What about the boy and the kid has asthma or something? That's a story. Put that in the movie. Let's stop down for it. So they spotted that. That's good. And let's talk about more movies

because that's what the show is about. We wanted to do something that we do sometimes, which is... People love it, we should say, and that's why we're willing to do it, but it is difficult and it's sort of brave because we do have to get our parkas and we do have to put on the earmuffs. And is it the right season for this? It's cold outside. Yes, that's the thing. A lot of times it can be refreshing for us to do this segment in the summertime

because it's a nice way to cool off. But when it's cold outside, then there's no relief to be found. And then a cold other thing. Yes, and we don't want to name it quite yet because saying the name is... Yes. Ruins the build up. And so for people who don't know, it's a thing we go into that's

not hot. Where there is commercials for movies and so I guess what I would say is, do you have your it just started playing on its own okay it's the teaser freezer i wish it had been timed better so yes we could have do you have your stuff on no i don't even have my stuff on yet oh gosh it's very dangerous. It's so cold.

It's so fucking cold in the teaser freezer. So, anyway, what we're now singing about is, like, there's commercials for movies, and they're called teasers. And so when you go to the movies, you can see them before the movies. But please don't leave right after they're done because they are just building up to the movie itself. And so it's a small piece and what we do is we go in the freezer where they're as fresh as can possibly be and we get the absolute freshest

ones and we bring them straight to you and we tell you why they're good. And you guys know what the freshest teaser out there is now that everyone wants us to do a freezer of and it is Mordecai. We have been noticing Is it Mordecai? Is it Mordecai? Is it Mordecai?

I think that is something that is a joke within even the title of the movie. With the movie itself is so packed with jokes, they have to squeeze one into the title. And that is the thing with Depp, is he is doing so many layers at once. So he'll slip a little tea into the middle of it because he is English and it's like a spot of tea even in like the title itself.

Just bringing up tea, I crave it because it's so cold inside this teaser freezer and I just wish I had some hot tea, but it would freeze right away. So what's the point? Let's just get into it. One thing we've been noticing about a lot of these teasers lately is they're getting shorter and smaller and even more teasier. Yes. Which is like when they change the soda boxes so that they would fit into the freezer a little better. But what they don't tell you is you're not supposed to put them in there at all.

I don't know why they would shape them to be so much easier to put into the freezer when they're they blow up you know what it reminds me of when fine dining suddenly became about these really tiny portions yeah so literally and if you guys haven't been to some fancy restaurants like me and haze have been to is you pay a thousand000 for the meal or whatever, and it's a pea and then a little miniature version of a piece of corn. And it looks beautiful. It's a miniature piece of corn, so it's not even a normal-sized corn piece. No, no. It's not a normal-sized corn piece. No, no. It's not normal-sized corn piece. It's a mini piece. The presentation is

outstanding. It's a feast for the eyes. And the way the plate is is clean as all get-out. And you just can really have that, be confident in what you're eating. But... You pay all this for the tiny food, and then it's just like the movie.

They say afterwards, like, now do you want the real food? It costs like $10,000. Yes. And now already you're so hungry. You gotta have more. And it was a tasty piece of corn. And they make it taste good. And they make these teasers so tasty.

And they get my mouth drooling for a whole movie of Mordecai. And one of the things they do when they make it is they use your favorite song sometimes. And in this case, they look at a movie like Mordecai and they think of like, what song is like a good Mordecai song? Well, because it is this sort of proper British guy. I don't want to spoil too much about it, but it is this sort of proper British guy that he's playing.

And so what does that guy really match with? There's a lot of soul to this movie, is I think what they said. There's sort of like that street, like, you know, just like that uh, you know?

Yes, as much as he is a gentleman, there's also that like, uh, down and dirty, that like, uh, that and dirty, that like, that urban, not putting any particular race on it, but it is definitely not stuffy. That flavor. Yeah. And so you just kind of are watching this. And even when I just saw the poster for it in my head, it was going a little.

It plays in your head when you look at it. Yeah. Don't believe me? Just watch. So that would be a good song to play in this teaser. We think. Let's see. Yes.

On January 23rd, get ready for a new kind of hero. Mordecai. I'm wildly interested. Now, there's so much in this. There's so much in this. Already. First of all, you get the flavor, you get that uh, that uh. Oh yeah. That push. And there's

that. There's so much visually happening. What they decided to do with this movie is, I think they decided there were so many funny things to show you yes that they should show you a sliver of each one can't spend too long on any one thing or let you see exactly how it's funny but you know that it feels funny and that it's moving fast yes and so what you get is so the one line you get is johnny depp who is Mr. Mordecai, says,

Charlie. Oh, hello. And then he gets punched in the face just like really quick. Dude. Just as you're about to finish laughing at that, it's another like two frames of another thing. Bro, bro. Yes. Yes.

That is what we're watching. Yes. And it's so good. And where did they find this song? I mean, we keep talking about the song, but I haven't heard it. But the feeling is so perfectly capturing. It's for the movie. It's for the movie.

It was just for the movie? Yes. I think it's someone watching the movie and being like, what does this make me think of? Somehow they discover whoever is their music guy should get a raise because they discovered a real gem. So they show little clips of him standing there. And then he's sitting in a car. And then there's a car driving into a big house. Just a couple frames of each, which is the teasiest thing about it, I think. Which is like, gimme, gimme, gimme.

And then she says, Mordecai. And then you get the guy saying, I'm wildly interested. Which, that's you. That's you being like like you listen to him one of the actors is playing the audience brain in this and essentially

because when your brain is seeing Johnny Depp you're going I'm wildly interested but you haven't made those words yet and then the actor comes in

and and does the words for your brain and he's on the phone in this you can't see it but he's on the phone in this scene and do's the words for your brain. And he's on the phone in this, you can't see it, but he's on the phone in the scene and he's actually calling the movie. Well, and he's calling the movie,

but he's also on the other line, has your body on hold to tell your feet, Hey, start walking towards the theater. Wildly interested. He shoots a guy. When the danger, the guy likes it charlie he'll save the world

one so many more i just can't even it's like seven things in that and it's not that they're hiding from all the funny things in the movie like they there's so many funny things they just say like how are we going to get them all in there they have to be all be so short sword breaking i mean you can't see this but and and we do want to say if you if the jokes aren't coming across an audio it is really visual i wish yes i wish you could see it yes i wish you guys could see it and if there's some way if the library has a computer for you to use where you can look this up please go look because it's not just that johnny depp is being funny saying these things it's his face and the hair on the face which is this i can't even describe it it's a curly hair

face it's a yes and the mustache face with a curl in the mustache. And you see him, he drops a glass and then there's a fire. It's mixed with like exciting and funny, exciting and funny. Well, yes, because you're going to get action too. Yes. And then the two of them are sitting, like he's sitting with a woman and she says, oh, Charlie. And like, you want to be like, what is she saying? Oh, Charlie about.

Right. What did he do? And it's also the woman is sexy, you know? So it's like, are these guys going to, are they going to be pounding it out? Like in addition to all the laughs and all the action, am I going to get my fucking rocks off at this movie? And the answer is yes. Depp never disappoints. And then there's the, there is a complete joke in here of he has having a sword fight and then he

gets his sword cut in half by the other sword. And then he says, truce because now he wants the truce. He didn't want one before when he was having a, like a full sword. Yes. Yes. There's that.

And there's also, am I explaining that? Yes. He's doing sword fight. Sword gets cut in half, but also, and then he says truce, but also when he shoots a guy in the face and the guy goes excellent chop so yes you might think that well see what they're doing is this new kind of humor and it's an understatement humor yes and what they do is in a very extreme situation like your sword just broke in half or you just got shot in the face you don't

go like oh my god what's gonna happen you just go like uh truce because it's like we know the situation is intense and it is that let's bring it down it is that that british that dry british oh yeah wit could uh you could combine combine with that soul you know that filthy soul oh yeah you know that dirty down town stuff that dirty downtown dirty down muddy muddy filthy soul and when you combine those two and the british it's so dry you could sop up some gravy you know british it's so dry you could sop up some gravy you know truth one problem at a time what does that thing on your lips some find it quite appealing down please you are killing me he hates kissing yeah he hates kissing that is very funny he kisses twice in this very short thing and both times they hate it you don't know why but something yucky's happening yeah you don't know why, but something yucky is happening.

Yeah. You don't know why, but won't it be interesting? And you don't need to. Won't it be interesting to find out when you go? So for everyone else who has a brain in their head and remembers that, um, Pink Panther was a good idea for movies,

but Peter Sellers is a hack and Johnny Depp's got all the comedic chopped in this pinky that Peter Sellers couldn't manufacture over an entire lifetime with his whole body and career and some good writers. It's a smart, very current movie to make where I think they said, there's this new mustache marketing, I guess is what they're sort of calling it, where they say people are going into wedding photo booths and they're holding these things on sticks and they're putting them on their faces and girls are doing it.

And it's like they want to have mustaches, and they want to see people have mustaches. So they look at this movie where the guy has the big curly face on his hair. And they say, well, do I want to go? And it'll be like I'm enjoying a wedding, and they're taking a picture of me at a wedding. Yeah, it's a new kind of marketing where it makes you feel like you're at a wedding when you're in a movie. And that is a popular thing. And everyone remembers Margot at the Wedding, big hit. And then what's the one with...

It was Rachel Getting Married. Rachel Getting Married. Yes. Such a fun romp. My big old family. My big old... I know what you're talking about, my big old... Yes.

I'm still in that. I'm in this. Yes, I'm still in that. This song has got me. This song they wrote for the movie has got me in this sort of groove. Yeah. And forget whatever the name was. It doesn't matter.

We got a great guest for you guys and her name's Jess McCallum and she's on the show Mistresses and she does a bunch of other stuff. She's a real actress. She's going to be right on the show right now. And right now. Right now.

Now it's happening. On Hollywood Handbook. Not another word. So I grab the dictionary and I say to D, M, X. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I say to D, M, X. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I say, challenge.

I challenge. And he's like, he does his whole like huffing and puffing, like, no dog. Like, you know, he's like in my face trying to intimidate me out of challenging it. And so we look it up and it turns out, yes, whinge is a word, you know? And he's got it on the triple, on the triple word. He's got the W on the triple letter. So that's 12, you know? So I'm like, okay, it is a word, you know? And he's got it on the triple word. He's got the W on the triple letter. So that's 12, you know? So I'm like, okay, it is a word, but it has an H in it.

It's like wine. Because it means like wine. So it's like, he's like, he's going, whinge is a word, dog. Whinge is a word. And it's like, yeah, it is DMX, but you didn't spell it right. So, I mean, he wound up winning, but it's just like, that's not the point. You know, you lose your turn. My name is letters, you know? So I'm an expert on letters. So I'm Mr. Letters. Yeah. So, I mean, he wound up winning, but it's just like, that's not the point. You know, you lose your turn. And he's always like, my name is Letters, you know, so I'm an expert on Letters. So I'm Mr. Letters. Yeah, that's why you don't want to

play with him. That's why you don't want to play Scrabble with him. And that's how he approaches every game. Well, anyway, we're... He's not invited to the next game night, and he has to take one off, and then he can come back if he behaves himself. Hey, welcome back to Hollywood Handbook.

And it's either Skydive kicking butt and dropping names in a red carpet linebacker hallways of this industry we call showbiz. Wagwum. We have a really great guest. It's the kind of person we wanted to have on the show for a long time. That we've been saying we wanted. But we couldn't get. We talk about craft a lot. The art of the show. We get all these stupid

comedy guys who are just making noise and waving their arms like gorillas. Like always coming in. And it's bullshucking. And they talk about acting but they don't know about acting. And we actually got a real actual actress who actually knows how to do it.

Jess McCallum is here. Hi, guys. From the show Mistresses on ABC. You are one of the main mistresses. I am, yeah. There are four of us, so I would be one of the main. It's sort of like a Sex and the City, Desperate Housewives. I think four is the magic number.

So if I was five, I would definitely not be one of the main. How many devious maids are there? I think there's four. It's the magic number that's like... Who wins in a fight between the devious maids, the desperate housewives, and the mistresses? And we love doing these sort of like fantasy ideas. Oh, you know what? I think the devious maids take that one.

I don't know. I mean, the desperate housewives are too... Which maid? And she's humble, too. Because most people would say their own show. They would. No, no, no. Most people would say their own. No, no, no. Who's the strongest maid? Of the devious

maids? Yes. It's not always about being strong when you're devious, is it? And it does seem like they... It's cunning. Yes. You have to have cunning. They've cast some people in the devious maids for this reason. If it were to ever come to...

Like the Hunger Games style? A fight situation, yes. It seems like they've designed it around... Some of the maids would perform very well in that scenario. Yeah. And I've had a devious maid, actually, and she used to switch me and my wife Steffi's toothbrushes.

She used to switch which side they were on. Oh, I thought you meant like you've had them. Oh, like I've had them in the boudoir. I don't know, like I'm watching too much Downton Abbey. Like, I've had them. Oh, right, that's how they say it. We do speak that way. Yes, we do when we're talking about

what a lot of people would call boning, but we do. Yes, we do. When we're talking about what a lot of people would call boning, but we don't use that dirty language. I was getting ready for this really exciting story about you having a devious maiden and you cut your toothbrushes.

Well, this is exciting too because what would happen is we would accidentally get one another's germs because I would go to reach for my toothbrush where it would normally be and it would be

the opposite one. And I'd be halfway through brushing before I realized it. And that's a good story, too. And what's so inconvenient about that is you don't share a home with your wife. No, that's true.

It's not weird, something a lot of people are doing now. Mm-hmm. You are cohabitating with your dad. Yes. In a sick basement apartment. And you could see it, Jess. With the wife. Okay.

It's just very inconvenient to go all the way to your wife's house to brush your teeth and then you're using the wrong toothbrush. I'm sure you can speak on that, Jess. Yeah. Really? You're married, aren't you? I am. You're married.

This is married life. And are you doing the same house marriage or are you doing what some of the kids are doing? Yeah, we do the same house marriage. Cool, cool. It's odd. I should look, too. Classic. Yeah.

Is it weird at night being in the same place? No. No, I mean, it feels pretty normal. Can you watch your movies as loud as you want? Yeah, we can. We actually watch them together, which is bizarre. Oh, really? You agree on movies.

That's nice. That's a strong marriage. Yeah. I think that's what sealed the deal. We wrote our list of top ten and they matched perfectly. And then we set our I do's. Ooh, top ten movies. Top ten.

Let's do them. Let's go. Uh-oh. Let me just go. Let's go. Let's go. Uh-oh. Let me just go at random. Okay. Six. Six? Princess Bride.

Ooh. Ooh. Okay. One. Big. Okay. Four. I can't remember what four is.

Okay. I gave you a stumper. Yeah, Runaway Bride. How about nine? Nine. Runaway Bride. How about nine? Nine. Runaway Bride is number four. Princess Bride is number six. Wow.

I'm sensing a Bride theme. No wonder you guys got married after you made this list. Each list has what the themes are. This is the wedding list. This is the top ten wedding movie. Right. So Big's the number one wedding movie for you. Well, no, that's what she calls my big fat Greek wedding.

My big fat Greek wedding. That's the name of it. You helped remind me. I was trying to think of it earlier. I was like my big old. My big fat Greek wedding. Yeah, you just call it. That's exactly.

It's fantastic. You just call it Big and that's your number one. Yeah. I know it so well. We were watching your show. We love it. Really? Yeah, absolutely. We're crazy about it. Yes. I know it so well. We were watching your show. We love it. Really? Yeah, absolutely.

We're crazy about it. Yes. Very cool. There is something about it. We all know. Yeah. And it's because we work in the industry too. I'm not actually saying this is good or bad.

This is just something that is unconventional for me. Yes. Well, it's a question at any rate. Yeah. How come on your show, no one is ever doing any kissing? They almost kiss. They get very close. We see situations where they should kiss.

They start to move together and then they're just not, suddenly not kissing. And some other people are talking. We do a shit ton of kissing. On the show? Off camera? Well, yeah. I think, yes. It's implied.

Actually. But nobody's doing it. It's not really implied. It's actually right there in front of your face, two mouths, hands. We actually even pushed the envelope as far sexually on camera as we can for ABC. Really? Really. Pasties?

Yeah, I mean, we're noties But clothes Clothes are coming off Huh We're kissing for sure That's not Do you know what kissing I mean kissing Yes do you watch the show Kissing is actually

They're touching mouth Yeah And I'm worried They're exploiting you Because if you watch the show None of that actually Ends up on it And another thing is

Your show's so much shorter Than most hour long shows It's 16 minutes And I feel like If you just put the kissing in. It's 16. It's actually, it's a solid hour. It's a solid hour show. Are you?

Okay. You know what I'm realizing? Are you watching it on demand? Well, I go and watch it on Hayes' TV. I don't have a TV. Sean doesn't have a TV. Yeah. Is that interesting to you?

Oh, well then, okay. I don't have a TV. Sean doesn't have a TV. Yeah. Is that interesting to you? Oh, well then, okay, so you're watching it together. It sort of negates the advantage of you being able to watch whatever movie. You could theoretically watch whatever movies

you want to watch in your basement apartment, but you just choose not to have the weight, the apparatus. Right. Yes.

No, but I have the, I have, yes. You come to my house to watch the show. But I come to Hayes' house. But do you remember about two weeks ago, my dad went to your house to fix a leaky pipe? Yeah. And he was goofing around with the back of the TV. Which I didn't even know was leaking.

No, he called you to tell you your pipe was leaking. Do you remember? He gave you that phone call at like 4 a.m. and he was like, you got a leaky pipe, I'm coming over with my tool kit. I absolutely remember that. Here's at like 4 a.m. And he was like, you got a leaky pipe. I'm coming over with my tool kit. I absolutely remember that. Here's what I think happened. Okay. I think he put a chip in your TV so that we can't see any more kissing.

Yeah, he was trying to get you to stop seeing kissing for a while. Well, he knows how riled up I get. So there's a lot of things in what just happened there that I'm concerned for. Maybe you could summarize it. First of all, if my dad called someone else to tell them that their pipe was leaking. Your friend. My friend. I mean, you're clearly friends.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Maybe close to being best friends. Besties forever. Yeah. In the neighborhood of best friends. Okay. I think I would be concerned about that first and foremost.

How's dad? How's dad doing? Better. You guys are pretty close, huh? It goes up and down. Yeah. Yeah. I don't like to say it's any one thing because really the way he is now is very erratic.

And on any given day, he could just fly off the handle at me and we don't talk for a little while. Right. I hate when that happens. And they're on separate floors. I mean, it's not like they live on the same floor. Oh, no, we don't live in the same room. They're separated. I mean, I have my whole own floor.

It's sick. I have one of those egg chairs. And a love sack. Don't you have a big love sack? It costs like $800. Not anymore. I'm sorry. A love sack? I sat like $800. Not anymore. I'm sorry. A love sack?

I sat on it with a pocket knife in my pocket, and I had forgotten to close it. Yeah, a love sack? Do you not know? It's like a bean bag, but with sort of a Naugahyde exterior. You're not familiar with these? No. I forgot to close my pocket knife. I was a scout, so you don't have to be nervous.

Get thee to a mall. Get thee to a mall. I haven't been to a mall. I'm actually really afraid of malls. You know what? I was going to say, looking at your clothes, it just seemed like you hadn't been to a mall in a little while. Yeah?

Is that a hint? Maybe take a trip to a mall. All right. All right. You know. I'll take that into consideration. take a trip to a mall. All right. All right. You know, I'll take that. I'll take that into consideration. I want to hit a mall. And we have no personal investment in malls.

Okay. A lot of times people think that we're getting paid to advertise the things we talk about. Right. We just like malls. Is that against the rules? Well, it's all in one place. Because I'm sure that like the food court is a super hang for you and dad. You know, all three of you guys want to go to the food court. The food court is a super hang for you and dad you and all three you guys want to go

to the food court the food court's tasty place well because we don't all want the same thing all the time right I mean I want A&W

Hayes wants some orange chicken and dad only eats roast beef and he'll sit at a separate table just so people don't like look over

and think that Sean's dad is like is escorting us. He'll sit a couple tables away. Yeah, if we see some of our friends or whatever. We don't necessarily want to seem like we're eating with my dad. He just is the ride.

He pays, drives you home. Right, right, right. Meet the ladies and maybe the wife, and then you guys can have your own dinner, and then he picks you up, takes you home. Yeah, if my wife is able to make it. what do you think about all this charlie hebdo stuff oh oh you're just gonna go you're just gonna go right there aren't you well just like sum it up just like yeah just like capsule sum it up just like take for our listeners like what's your take just a hot take on that. Yeah. Fresh take. You should be shelly.

It's my French. That's interesting. So you are taking their side. It's my French. Yeah. I mean, I think, you know, I think that it would be

a little crazy as artists in the industry that we work in to feel any other way. I'm more interested in where you're feeling. Okay, listen.

We don't like to take a position on this. It's just not the place of this show to take sides on literally anything. It's just a light show about Hollywood. Right. It's educational. It's fun. So the thing, when I was asking you what you think about this stuff, what I was sort of expecting you would say is like, it's not really for

this podcast. Well, I'll go there with you guys. We were thinking, a lot of times we'll ask you a question and the answer we're looking for, just so you know, is for you to go like, I don't think I should answer that. Yeah, and then we can just...

And that's kind of most of the content. And then we can just move along. We don't want to get serious ever. If you want to stay on it and talk about it... If you want to put your foot down like this, and you've taken a pretty strong stance so far, you know, that's fine. It's just like we don't

try to do that. It comes out every now and then. Look, Shakespeare didn't write his own plays. We all know that. And this is something that I would always prefer we not talk about. Yeah, let's definitely not go there. I'd much rather...

Just think about it. The letters we get, Jess. Yeah, I'm sure please droves please don't encourage him about this shake did you see anonymous do we have to go there let's just move on let's just move on okay we'll move on this is the right attitude so she picks her spots yeah i picked my spot and it was an appropriate one i think i was you know i was i was gonna get deep with you guys if you wanted to go there, but clearly you don't. Well, why are you so interested in getting deep, and can you speak on that for us?

Well, you know, I feel like we've sort of bonded here over the last little bit, and you told me about your dad and your living situation, and I'm really interested in that. Pretty sick. And I just felt like maybe we were going to move. We learned about egg sack chairs. Okay, well, we wanted to talk about acting and we have so many dumb idiot comedians on here who don't really know shit from shit about this. And you actually perform dramatic acting. So if you could give us one big tip on craft for the audience, I think that would really

be valuable. Well, you know, I'm clearly a thespian, so I take myself very, very seriously. Yeah, I think it's really, I've seen a lot of comedians and I love comedians and I think For what they do, it's great. Yeah, what they do is great. For what they do, it's nice. Yeah, what they do is great. For what they do, it's nice. But isn't it kind of bullshit? Well, I think it's pretty spectacular to have the balls to get up there and do that.

Anyone can fake laugh. Truth. Truth. You were doing it a second ago. I've been doing it the whole time I've been sitting here. Yeah, you've been doing it since you met us. Yeah, it's great. It's good.

It's an easy thing to do. I think... Yeah, no, I think anybody can fake laugh, but tell a good joke. That's good. It's an easy thing to do. I think, yeah, no, I think anybody can fake laugh but tell a good joke. That's fantastic. I like to dig a little deeper. I'm a little more into turning and trying to understand where other people come from, a little more of the psychology of it, a little more creating a character instead of just kind of screaming jokes in people's faces.

You could be like a mad lady. A mad lady? Like on Mad TV? Not like Mad Magazine. That's the opposite of what I'm talking about. Those are... That's funny, but it's different. You turn on Mad TV, but it's actually everyone being silly.

Right. But you could actually be a mad person in a show. Like an angry person, like emotionally speaking. Yes, that's what I mean. Yes. You know, comedians are really fucking angry. When you actually get to know them, they can sometimes be because they don't get to, because they can't play.

They can't show that. They can't show that emotion in a fake way like you can. Okay. Okay. How would you summon that? How would you, what would you think about? I think there's a, there's a lot of different.

To get really mad. What person? A parent? A specific person? Yeah. Which parent? It's pretty much day to day. Which parent are you mad at?

It's day to day. Which parent? You think about when you want to get mad? It's day to day. It's day to day. Who is it today? It's minute to minute. Who is it right now?

Well, when I, when I leave here, I, I'm going to do some great angry auditioning? It's minute to minute. Who is it right now? Well, when I leave here, I'm going to do some great angry auditioning. It's going to be fantastic. No, I'm kidding. See how you both took? That's called acting. Wow! Oh, you really took me there. Yes. And that was you

clapping. And now I need a minute to get back into the room. I clap for myself. You took me out of a room. Because I've been transported. Yeah. Did you feel how out of a room. Because I've been transported. Yeah. Did you feel how all of a sudden you felt really hurt? Yeah. And you felt kind of attacked and you kind of wanted to... Acting. Yeah.

Oh, wow. Pretty heavy. You did some modeling in Milan. How was the food? In Milan? Yeah. Milan's amazing. Yeah. Milan's amazing. Have you been, you you been to Italy anywhere? Oh, well, not big Italy. I've been to little Italy.

Okay. So not actual Italy. I don't think the little Italy people would appreciate me saying that. Okay. But yeah, no, I haven't been to the large one. Neither one is. Yeah, it's just size. Well, it's a country.

It's a difference in country. Right. Little Italy is, you're saying Italy. Okay, we'll go with that. That's fine. Well, I mean, they couldn't put it in the name if it wasn't true. You don't seem to be offering a lot of details about what you call

real Italy. I think Sean is willing to speak for a long time. I'll tell you. I at least believe that he went. Right. And you seemed very reluctant to provide he has to know what the food was and you said Milan's great. Yeah, it almost seems like you didn't know about the food and I

actually have done a pretty big deep dive on some of the food in Little Italy. Well, let's hear it. Let's hear all about the beautiful food in Little Italy. I can tell you about my quote-unquote big Italy after we hear about your Little Italy. All right. Well, I'm going to be scanning your face for recognition when I name some of these foods to see if you actually know about them.

And he can do that at the same time as he talks. Yes, because I have seen Meet the Parents. Okay. You're going to De Niro me. All right. Cheese pizza. Okay. You're going to De Niro me. She's pizza. Yes. She's telling the truth.

I'm sorry we doubted you. Thank you. But when you're talking to a chameleon, you know, you're never told that she's really put us on our toes because a minute ago you said that you were going to an audition and you were not. You were going to an angry audition.

And why aren't you going on an audition? Is everything okay career-wise? Everything is great. Okay. Everything is great career-wise. I'm actually so busy that I can't take auditions at the moment. Oh, wow. Me too.

That's why I don't do it. People call. Everyone's called. And there have been a lot of really, really huge, you know, you guys, I'm sure you know. That's why we don't audition. That's why we don't audition. Just too busy. Offer only. Yeah, if that.

It seems that way. You guys have... You're producing a lot and you've done a lot of... Oh gosh, this isn't about us. But yeah, I'd say that's accurate. I did a video actually just the other day for Wes Borland. He's going kind of out on his own.

You know Wes. Tell the audience about Wes. He was the guy in Limp Bizkit who just had the black eyes. He used to wear contacts. Where the contacts made it look like his eyes were all black. Do you remember the Limp Bizkit videos? Is he the I did it all for the nookie? Yes.

Okay. And she's pretending like she doesn't know who it is. And so people would watch Limp Bizkit and they would see the guy in the hat and they'd be like, I don't know about this guy. But then they'd look at the guy whose eyes were all black and say, what's going on with him? Maybe he should do something of his own. So we got together, and we did this sort of DIY video of him just kind of walking around Los Angeles. Black eyes. He does not do the black eyes anymore.

Oh. Because it was making his eyes not be able to see. And so now if he's going to be walking around, he needs to take the contacts out. And that was a big part of the video was him exploring Los Angeles. It was going to be at night, but then it's hard to actually film at night

because it's so dark. Right. So we did it. Coupled with the black eyes. I can't imagine. It's just too much. I've seen some of the dailies, and if you wanted to take it in a different direction,

some of the black eye footage does have him walking right into walls and stuff like that. And I think it could be sort of a Mordecai-esque farcical. It's a little bit of an ironic sort of thing happening. Maybe it's a political statement. Maybe you just go completely take his career into a very interesting place. What political statement would that be making?

Just because I'm curious and we don't like to take a stance, but what political statement would it be? I get it. I just mean for everyone else. Just for the audience because we're so plugged in. I don't know. I think you could go really like he can't see and it's dark and he's walking into walls.

And maybe that's how he felt a little bit in the Limp Bizkit videos. He felt a little like he wasn't being seen. Getting very political. Getting extremely political. When I think like, oh, who can't see and just basically can't get out of their own way and is walking into walls, I think that reminds me of a certain political figure who's at the top of the heap for now for a couple more years.

He's renting, not buying the house that he's in. He has a couple of daughters, and one happens to be named Milan, who we were speaking about earlier. Yes, yes, yes. Big Italy, Milan. Yeah, I think it's a good statement oh wait stop talking for a second we have to do

a segment called the popcorn gallery and whatever you wanted to say this is a lot more important we got questions from our viewers let me catch up to the song movies

is the reason it's called the Popcorn Gallery. Sean and Hayes let the viewers do it, which is ask you questions. The questions are about movies, or in this case, you have been at movies and TV shows, so some of the questions might be about TV shows. So the song explained it, but we just want you to briefly just explain it back to us just before we get into it. That was frightening. The song, yeah.

So you're going to ask me some pop culture questions about movies, and I'm supposed to comment on them? That was like an echo of gross proportion of popcorn. I could sing the song. How do we convey this? could sing the song. How do we convey this? Do sing the song. It was a little bit of just echoing everything

that we're saying. Doing a little Garth and what's the SNL? Garth and Wayne. Garth and Wayne. Garth and Wayne. Garth and Wayne. Showing. They liked Claudio Schiffer if you'll recall. it's Garth and Wayne. Garth and Wayne, yeah. Garth and Wayne. Yeah, showing.

They liked Claudio Schiffer, if you'll recall. Not what I was thinking of, but that's a good one. Let's ask you questions from our listeners. Okay. And let's reach into the popcorn bag and we'll get one. Okay. Okay, and so we have to reach in and I'll just play the sound drop right now that has been pre-sent to us by my high school friend, Mark. Welcome to the popcorn.

It's a spaghetti meatball. Okay, so what Mark found in the popcorn bag was a question, and the question's represented by a spaghetti meatball, which, of course, you know all about. Why? Yeah. Because you were in Big Italy. Big Italy, yeah. Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. The question is from Bruce Reed Robinson, too. Bruce Reed Robinson, too. Is that a name? Okay, that's his handle? That's going to be the most normal name you hear all day. Bruce Reed Robinson, too. Get ready.

If you think that's a weird name, get ready. Wow, you're... All these other internet characters. I hope you got your helmet on. I do. I don't have my helmet. Bruce Reed Robinson asks, Hardwoods or carpet?

And he clarifies, which I think is... Whoa. Yes, okay. He's clarifying. Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. Please let him finish the question. Bruce Reed Robinson, too.

Let me finish. Let me finish. Please let him finish. Because our listeners, in a way, represent the show, and he does say he means it in terms of actual flooring. is not he doesn't mean it in any kind of other way which i don't even think of until he clarified it but he obviously didn't

mean it that way he meant he's asking about your house that you share with your husband which is so interesting i can't imagine that he's not asking if you have a hardwood hoo-ha. Right. And then there's no carpets, curtains happening here. Okay. Hardwood or carpet? Hardwood. Yeah. Always, always. Always.

Because you can't, because you don't have to vacuum. And you also mean that in terms of floor. You don't mean that in any kind of. I mean that in every capacity. Oh. My basement's carpeted. It is. So you prefer carpet.

I don't know. Lots of carpet. Well, my name's not on the lease, so I can't really. Well, what that means is you can walk around as late as you want, and it's not going to disturb your dad. It's not noisy, yeah. Right, that's probably why they did that there. I'm like, the guy's got terrible hearing 23 hours a day,

but then when I'm trying to do a workout at night, all of a sudden it's waking him up. I guess it's the vibration, not the sound. Try to show him something that you made, like a craft that you made, and all of a sudden he can't hear you. I've noticed this. He'll come to say, Dad, look.

Look what I did. Look at this craft that I've crafted. Yeah, and I will have made a God know, a god's eye or something. With like really bitching colors. Yeah. Like frigging, like a mustard yellow or something like pretty edgy. What are some of the baddest colors to you? Like if you really wanted to be out there and really be a badass.

Colors just in general? Yeah, well, not just in general, because only the baddest ones get named in this segment. Only the baddest colors? I like a nice highlighter orange. Okay, good answer. Yeah, that's good. It's good that you didn't say black, because that's actually not a color. It's not in the rainbow.

I wasn't going to get into that with you guys, so I just kept it. I appreciate that you would not want to, yes, because that's another thing we get a lot of letters about. Or white, I'm sure. Yes. Yes. No, I do appreciate that. And is brown a color? Mm-hmm.

Okay, good. It's in the little part of, it's in the invisible part of the rainbow. You know how we read a lot of science books. Yes. And so there's parts of the rainbow that only certain animals can see. Do you dig on science? I can dig on science. Yeah.

I dig, you guys dig it on science, I think, more than anything. See, that's the effect we're sort of going for. Is that, yeah. Yes. Because if everyone liked science, then it wouldn't be as interesting for us. No, it wouldn't be cool for us

to be kind of nerdy about it almost. And do you think that nerd culture is taking over, Jess? I think no. I think... Is that why you said... It doesn't? Oh, this is a good answer. We haven't gotten this one before. No, you don't think it is? I don't think it is. Oh, yeah.

Your eyes just went completely bug-eyed. It is shocking to me. I feel like you're gonna... Yes, I've never been this surprised before. Now, does Mistresses not do a Comic-Con panel? We don't do a Comic-Con panel. You could knock me over with a feather right now. We don't

do a Comic-Con panel. Maybe that's why that I don't think nerd culture is taking over because we don't do a Comic-Con panel. Are we supposed to do a Comic-Con panel? Well, how do you release a first look teaser? I guess it's just the old fashion way you know just it just comes out on the network and i'm come i'm in the woods i'm in the woods i'm underwater and it's nighttime and you're and it's very cold and you're the guy from

the limp biscuit thing they can't see well that, that would be interesting. But as I said, there's no way to shoot that because you can't. Yes, you can't shoot at night. It's too dark to do it at night. And whenever they're doing a movie that's at night, and this is a fun fact for listeners in Scoop Troop, Get Out Your Pens, and you can say this because you've been on a TV show, they're putting like a sheer piece of black cloth in front of the camera lens. Don't you think that's true, or do you disagree?

I disagree a little bit. Yeah, the face you made made me think that you feel like there's another way to shoot at night. I think you have to remove the black cloth. Oh, well, the actress says... Oh, now she's the camera expert. The actress says how a camera works. So everyone, don't actually get out your Scoop Troop notebooks,

but just for the joke, get out your Scoop Troop notebooks and write down what the actress says the camera works like because don't listen to the camera guy. He doesn't know. Let's get another question. Oh, yes. It's the Godfather. Oh, okay.

So, yeah, it's really staying on theme of like that's something you would know about because, of course, you were in Sicily or whatever. Big Italy. Yes. This question is from Aztec. So remember what we said about the names? A-Z or A-S. A-S.

Okay. So who knows? Buckle up. Jess, you have a degree in business and seem to be doing well in show business, but you haven't been in many comedies, so why did you fail all of your funny business classes? Oh, isn't that just sweet? It is a little. The question does have an edge to it, and we actually ask for those.

Listen here. We want to try to create an environment of hostility. Ass business. Oh, ass business. Yes. And we actually ask for those. Listen here. We want to try to create an environment of hostility. Ass business. Oh, ass business. Yes, it's ass business. Well, the business of the business is that you – I have been in quite a few comedies, actually. They never get seen.

Yeah. They never seem to get seen. Home movies. They never seem to go out. Home movies, yeah. seen. They never seem to get seen and they never seem to go out. Home movies, yeah. I do a lot of little sketches on my own camera. I do actually do a lot of that. That's the next wave though. Everybody seems to be doing that. Starting

some sort of channel. With online. With online, Jess. Are you doing Vine? With online. Are you online? I don't get the Vine. This is the problem. Even though I do know how to shoot at night and pull the sheet over, and that's as far as camera as I go, and I really am not good at all the rest of the Vine and Twitter and that stuff.

I try, and I'm not good. I try to edit. To make the camera do the Vine, and that is beyond me, too. It's a stop and go, a stop and go. It's not enough time. It's not enough time. Twitter's not enough letters. Vine is not enough time. I have a problem. Yeah Twitter's not enough letters. Vine is not enough time. I have a problem.

Yeah, I have a problem with all of it. Yeah. But I try. But yeah, I do the comedy that, you know, ass business should learn that the first rule of business is that you pay your bills. And Aztec. Oh, is his name Aztec? It's going to be called Aztec.

It's going to be called Aztec from now on. Because I think we've really stumbled on the something. Well, there was too much Aztec happening. Aztec is, yeah, we won't call him Aztec. No, no, forget that. Forget the tech. It's Aztec Business. I can't believe I changed his name to Aztec Business.

Let's get another question because... Maybe it's a girl. I can't believe I changed his name to Aspen. Let's get another question. Maybe it's a girl. I'm sorry, Aztec. It's not a girl. It's frightening. It's not a girl. Think about where you are. It's not a girl.

You're listening to a podcast. You're part of a podcast on a comedy network called Earwolf. There's not a lot of girls. If it's a girl, you're going to know. Yes. But we are going to force a question from a girl. You're going to know. Yes, but we do. We are going to force a question from a girl. And so like,

though it is more even. Yeah. This is like, we don't want letters about that. Hit the button that gets a girl question out. Okay. The sound drop. Okay. there should be a popcorn component as well because it's reaching into a popcorn bag

oh yeah that was just the elevator bringing the popcorn machine to me that's yeah that all that noise was just the elevator bringing the popcorn machine to me. Yeah, all that noise was just the elevator bringing the popcorn machine. And Jess, you knew that. Yeah, it was very clear, actually. It was obvious I was waiting for the popcorn to reach. Speak on that. Yeah.

I think I just did. Yes, you did. Drop the mic. She's right. Drop the mic. We love that. Drop the mic. When you say something is powerful. You drop the mic. Yeah, you drop the mic. We love that. Drop the mic. When you say something is powerful. You drop the mic.

Yeah, you drop the mic. It's saying more with a physical action than you can with words, which is like, what more can you say? Yeah, pretty much. They don't let us. I would love some kind of way we could do it on this show. The mics are hanging. Yes, if you look at the photos.

They're suspended. And if you try, it is really hard. I'm going to try to do it right now. You can't use your fist because that is not dropping it. Oh, okay. So it does sound the same, but... Here's one thing I might hear if I... Oh, that's good.

Yes. If you try to thump it against the table like this. But it's not the same as letting go. And also, Engineer Brett is very upset. Just thump it really hard against the table. So we'll all do it now. Oh, the panic. Engineer Brett really doesn't want us to do it. What are you saying? The panic. Each of those mics is like 300 bucks. You're banging it on the table, so we'll all do it now. The panic. The panic. The panic. The panic. The panic. The panic. The panic. The panic. What are you saying?

The panic. The panic. The panic. The panic. The panic. The panic. The panic. The panic.

The panic. The panic. The panic. Each of those mics is like 300 bucks. You're banging it on the table. The panic. Uh-oh. Oh, God.

300 bucks. You know how much money this podcast brings to the studio? The bucks are $300. They earn that off this show in a second. That's good. Guys, I'll buy you all new mics. You're an actress. It's fine.

I'll buy you all new mics. Can you do Brett? Can I do? Yes, this will be a good challenge. Can you become Brett in that moment? I would just like to hear, like, you're Brett. Wait, wait, guys, wait, guys, guys, wait, no, no. And she's so scared.

Guys, this, oh. That's kind of what happened. And the impetus. There was actually a bit of a smile. He kind of smiles through everything. He says, guys, guys, wait, no, no. But not now. That's you, Brett.

And you can't do anything. That is you, Brett. That was, you're really close. The sigh, though, I didn't do the sigh. And the smile was nervous. But it was a lot. Guys, this mic's like $300. Man. Guys. though I didn't do the sigh and the smile was nervous guys this mic's like $300 guys love you Brett

we don't need another Brett in the room what we need is a Jess so anyway the popcorn machine is getting off the elevator hang on you gotta make the popcorn. That's me pouring the butter on. Is that pre-made?

The popcorn's already made. Oh, jeez. There's some... There's no plug in the elevator. Yeah. Okay. And here we go. Okay. Let me just scoop it into a bag.

Ah, the bag ripped. Okay, and now I'm just going to pick one up off the floor. Wait, that's not a piece of popcorn. It is, and we'll play Mark's Drop now. It's boot shape. Okay, and you know about a shape of a boot because you, of course, have seen that on the pizza boxes which are in Big Italy. Yes, you almost said it. Oh, Big Italy, boot shape.

Yes. It really seems like you're taking your cues from Sean in terms of things about this place that you supposedly... Are we still on the supposedly? And now I'm from there? I was not on the supposedly until... Well, what I realized was you had heard of cheese pizza, but that could just mean that you also were in Little Italy.

Right. I could have just been in Little Italy, or I could have been completely in Big Italy, which is boot-shaped, as you put it. Well, I told you that, but tell me something about Big Italy. But someone who had been in Big Italy would probably say something specific to Big Italy. You know that they specifically speak Italian in Big Italy. That's actually the language of Big Italy. I don't think it's the same in Big Italy. Like that's actually the language of Big Italy.

I don't think it's the same in Little Italy. I'm pretty sure that you can order in English. Well, the cheese on the cheese pizza I mentioned is mozzarella. And so knowing that, I think you'd have to kind of eat your words a little bit. But that's actually in English. And the words you're eating are delicious because they are mozzarella. And that's an Italian cheese. So that is an Italian word.

And I just wish you'd give me something to hold on to about Big Italy so I knew that you'd been there. But I like that your specific was that they speak Italian there. Yeah, but you didn't have any Italian for me. I had some for you. Mozzarella. Anyway, we have a question from Anastasia Vigo

who asks, Hi, Jess. Hi. I like that question. Let's move on. That's perfect. Hi. No, I'm just kidding. Let's move on. That's perfect. Hi. No, I'm just kidding. Let's hear it. Yeah, she had a whole question.

Sorry. Let's hear it. Hey, Lasha, tell it to me. No, Jess thinks it. Hey, tell it to me, and I'll see if it's good for Jess. No, I don't want to mess up Jess. Let's hear it. Anastasia made the mistake of acting like she was just saying hi.

She did something a little too friendly up top. Yeah. You've got to get into it, or else you're going to get passed over. Well, I wonder if this is something you actually want to talk about. Maybe you don't. But if you don't, just say no

and we can cut it out. Oh. You play Alyssa Milano's younger sister in Mistresses. Mm-hmm. She is leaving the show. Mm-hmm. Does this bring up

any family or abandonment issues for you? And we do sometimes like to talk about this kind of stuff on the show. We think it's really interesting for people to talk about their past and their family on a podcast.

And if you go to therapy and just talk about going to therapy and stuff. No, we do like it. We do. That is good, too. I think that's good. Yes, we do think it's good. We like to get real and just like, yes. No, we do like it's good. Yeah. We like to get real and just like. You're so funny. Yes.

No, we do like it. So often these podcasts are people joking around and we're just like, when are we going to hear about where someone grew up or something? When are we going to hear like the, you know, really mundane stuff that nobody gets a flying shit about? Or religion. Or religion or political statements. Yes.

The biggest killer in the world. Let's talk about religion. Let's talk about divorce. Killed more people than you are. Let's talk about my parents' divorce? Let's talk about religion. Let's talk about divorce. Let's talk about my parents' divorce. Let's talk about that. That sounds really exciting. Okay, we hit up.

No, I'm serious. I love talking about this stuff. Jess, it is like this is a fun show. Yes. I mean, I'm like I'm having so much fun. Are you joking? Yeah. I don't know what I talk, like,

we talk about like if you were raised in like a weird religion or something, but just like, are your parents really divorced? Or like, you know,

oh my God, are your parents really divorced? We don't even know. Oh, well, yeah, that's fine. Are your parents actually divorced?

They are. Because marriage is supposed to be forever. It is. That's part of what the vows say. And I'm sure you and your husband did it. Wow. That's heavy for me. It is messed up.

Is your dad, are they still upstairs? Well, they were never married. Yeah. Oh, well, that's a whole other thing that we should get into. So you're a bastard? Yes, that's the technical term. Okay. Yeah.

Sean's taking that word back. Yeah. No, I own it. If I call myself a bastard, then you can't hurt me anymore. Okay. And that's a message to all the bullies out there right bullying let's talk about that what i'm wondering here's something i'm wondering something this all brings up we don't want to take a position on bullying uh well we

don't know if we don't know we there's not enough research yeah there's what if the nerd is mean for example what if it's like a mean nerd and a nice book? Can't be a nerd bully? Yeah. I've met a few. They could use a good punching. Lots of them could use a good punching. Here, something.

But you don't take a stand on it. I don't want to put you in like a weird position. I wonder if you got the idea to be from Milan by like, your friend is Alyssa Milano. And so,

you just like saw her and it's like, people asked you to name what city. You're putting it all together. Okay. She asked you what city you were from, and you were like, oh, Milan. Just seeing her name on the wall or something,

on the poster of the show you were in or something. You found me out. You found me out. No, it's actually. What city are you really? Well, you shouldn't admit that. We'll edit it out. No, no, no.

You should really be... You've done some serious sleuthing. What city are you really... Charlie Mortecai, because you actually got to the bottom of this mystery. Yes. And I believe that's what he does. Sleuthing. What city are you really from?

Well, I wasn't from Milan. I was in... That's what we just found out, Jess. We know that you weren't actually from Milan. Right, right, right. We've skipped that step. I'm from Sarasota, Florida. Visited Milan.

Is the accurate— If only her name had been Alyssa Sarasotio. You know? Then you'd be able to be honest. If you were, like, co-stars with— With Sarah Silverman. Yeah, Sarah Silverman. She's drinking a soda. And Sarah Silverman yeah Sarah Silverman she's drinking a soda

and Sarah Silverman is drinking a soda and I wonder if that's where you got the idea for that name and where you are actually from and if we'll ever know

Sarah's soda thank you so much for being on the show Jess I think we're done here what and then

what was the rest of that question oh we actually got it I just forgot these pills I'm on we want people to rate us on iTunes and talk to us on our forums that seems reasonable right Jess

what do you think they should do in terms of a rating how do you rate well I think you should just be five stars you don't whisper it should be five I didn't know why we were I just realized why am I whispering How do you rate? Well, I think you should just be... It's a lot of five stars. Yeah. Five is the best one. It should be five. You don't whisper. It should be five.

I didn't know why we were. I just realized. Why am I whispering? Yeah, it should be five, I guess. Well, if Jess says that, yeah. And here, one other thing I want to do is go through our mail for the week. And so let's just go through. I have this big pile of mail here.

Brett, if you could take a picture of me going through the mail, please. That seems like a good picture for the website. While we're doing that, Jess, do you want to scratch your scratch-off ticket just so we can see if you win a big money? Should I do it? Yes, please. I literally put it in my bag, and I was going to leave the building with it. Hold on.

I'm scratched. Okay, let me just go through our mail. If it does win $75,000, I do want to see that. Now, how do I scratch it? Okay. Brett, please. Give me a nickel. Brett, money? I scratch it? Okay. Give me a nickel. Brett, money?

So, okay, it's addressed to 5629 Hollywood Boulevard number 66 in Los Angeles, California 90028. That is where we do our podcast. Yes, so that's a piece of mail for us, is it not? Oh, this one says it's for Elizabeth Lame, and so she is not even doing a show anymore, and that

seems like a good person to get mail. Oh, this one's for Jake Fogelnest, another guy who doesn't have enough respect for his audience to continue doing a podcast because he suddenly got a job. Hang on, Jess is having a little trouble with the scratch-off. And it's one of the hard ones. It's really... So this is a mega crossword.

Listen, you guys don't know. I had a really bad experience with a scratch-off where I scratched the wrong thing and I had won... And this is what they used to do. They used to say, void if this area is scratched. And it existed only to nullify winning tickets. So this doesn't have that I can just scratch away? Yes, you can scratch freely, but you don't want to scratch these yet because these...

See, but see, you didn't say that right. See, that's exactly the point. So I want us reading the instructions while we were reading the mail. But I did it right, right? I do this. And so while we can't read this mail because it's unfortunately not addressed to us, it's addressed to Jake Fogelness who, oh, he got a job writing on a TV show. So he certainly wouldn't be able to do a podcast anymore.

It's not as if two people who have multiple jobs all across the industry are very busy and they somehow find time to do a podcast they wouldn't deserve any mail would they jake fogones gets the mail okay let's check our other mail oh this is for the cry babies women okay they have barely i don't know who that is two weeks a two-week podcast oh let's send them some mail uh kyle dunn again at professor blastoff, that's... I have nothing to say about that. And another Professor Blastoff mail, and

that's all the mail for the week. And none of it was for us. Nobody felt like they had anything that was a nice gift for us to get. At 5629 Hollywood Boulevard, number 66, Los Angeles, California, 90028. Whatever you... Just a fun thing for us to have.

It would be so nice if we came in here and people sent us just a nice. If I got a piece of mail? Oh, well, no, that's impossible. I'm not Jake Fogel Nest. I'll send you guys a gift. Who doesn't have a podcast and has a TV writing job. Did she win? This is just going to take too long for us to find out.

Oh, yeah, no. I'm so confused. Well, here. So not only do you scratch, then you have to like play. You have to actually do a letter scramble to win some money. So here you go. So there's an O, a W, and an E are all in here. Oh, for goodness.

So you've got that word. So if you get two words, you're already in the plus. You've got a ticket. I feel like... Ranran got the pro version. Sean, do you want to work on the crossword? Yes, I do. Jess, can you just give us a special Brett impression for Ran Ran?

Who's Ran Ran? This is one of our listeners who bought. We have a special. One of our listeners buys the program. Ran Ran, Ran Ran, Ran Ran, Ran Ran. Thanks. Thanks so much. No, thanks.

No, it's good. It's fine. It's only $400. Thanks, Ran Ran. Bye. It's fine. It's only $400. Thanks, Ran-Ran. Bye! This has been an Earwolf Media Production. Executive Producers Jeff Ulrich and Scott Aukerman. For more information, visit EarwolfRadio.com The wolf dead.