Hollywood Handbook - Jess McKenna and Zach Reino, Our Good Collaborators

Episode Date: November 28, 2017

Sean and Hayes partner with JESS MCKENNA and ZACH REINO from Off Book to do one of their famous songs but actually do a good job.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. And then we have Akram and Orbity, the spring alien from the Jetsons. And we're stuffing the ballot box for Sexiest Man Alive. And we hear this creak and door opens and a little shaft of light comes in. And Orbity goes, get in the box. So we all jump inside the ballot box. Now we're in there. Now they're not going to announce the results for weeks. And this guy is now guarding the box. Now we're in there. Now they're not going to announce the results for weeks. And this guy is now guarding the box and we're in there for so long. We have to start eating the votes. Otherwise you'll starve. And the votes on top are the ones we were using to stuff it.

Because we got a lot of money riding on this thing. But whose votes are you eating? thing. Yeah. But whose votes are you eating? We're eating the votes, the false votes that we had put in. Okay. That were for Dumo. I was wondering what happened. We want

Josh back. Because you had this big plan and I knew you spent a lot of time executing it. But then it ends up being Blake. Why didn't you eat the Blake one? It is very dark inside the box. And

ultimately, I think Grievous had a little bit of moral awakening inside the box, too. Okay. Where he wanted the right man to win. He wanted the sexy man to win. And then we. He wanted the sexy man to win. Yeah. And then we just had to say Josh isn't sexy.

Your whole idea was to Joker style throw it into chaos and vote for someone who is very sexy but clearly less sexy than Blake Shelton. Yes. Just to undermine people's faith in institutions. Well I'm gaslighting the entire fucking country.

So anyway we eat most of the votes finally the big day comes the mayor comes down the mayor does a big announcement uses the key of the city to unlock the box pops the top off i just jump out and go it's blake shelton okay hey welcome to hollywood handbook and insider's guide to kicking butt dropping names in the red carpet linebacker hallways of this industry we call Showbiz. What up, what up? Every once in a while, very, very occasionally, we will have hosts from another Earwolf podcast on this show. It's one of those rare things.

It's kind of a special occasion. Try not to do it too much. What is that? Holy shit, Brett. What was that? What was it? What was it? It was CNN. I'm it? It was CNN.

I'm sorry. CNN. And see, this is just another example of the cracks beginning to show in Brett liking music. He's not watching MTV, and to that he might say they do not even play music anymore. Oh, well, they actually brought TRL back. Yeah, and he's not even watching the Palladium channel. He's not watching the Palladium channel. Mm-hmm. He's not watching the Palladium channel. He's not watching Ovation.

Does not watch Ovation. And so, if you'll notice... He's reading about the Lord of the Rings coming to Amazon. If you'll notice, Cody got a lot of heat famously and kind of became an institution at Earwolf when he was watching Vice News. Which at least is the news for music heads, people that are into

really cool music. For badass millennials who are rich and detached. And a lot of the times it's music people doing the news for some fucking reason. Mm-hmm. But... And rappers. Yeah. That's what I mean by music people.

But Brett then managed to take that idea of like I'm watching Vice News and just make it way worse and boring and just watch CNN and then pipe that into my earphones. What's the thinking? I'm humiliated. And for a music show that we are doing today. Today is a music show. Would have been a great time to accidentally be playing music.

Doing a music show without me again. Are you giving up on music because you got kicked off the tour? You got thrown out of the van in the street? You got chucked out of the van. You got freaking kicked in the butt out of the van. I thought the tour was just done.

Come on, that tour is going on like crazy. It is? That tour is van. Into a guardrail. Oh, no. I thought the tour was just done. Come on, that tour's going on like crazy. It is? That tour's going on in a couple months. They're doing another lap. I guess they're really

starting to rock now. And they're doing Beatles covers. That's why they dropped me off. I don't know. You know, I figured you would

know more than me about why you got your ass booted out the van. But Beatles covers that really rock, you know, like a raspy rock voice. Oh, yeah. Yeah. It's just distortion. Obladi, obladah, like that. Like Ray LaMonte.

Paperback writer! You know? We're trying to do a music show. Mm-hmm. If Brett would even let us. With hosts from another Earwolf show. Again, a little treat. It'll be another year before you hear us have a different Earwolf host on.

But we like to break rank every now and then and just say, hey, we're going to promote another Earwolf show on our show. So these are the guys. Jess McKenna and Zach Rhinoceros. I've just played. I've just played. Do not. I've just played. And this is what I do sometimes when I meet someone for the first time.

He has a little fun with their name. I'm just messing with you. I've just played. And Zach, how mad are you? Do we have to do the podcast now? Zach, come on. Sit down. Zach.

I said I was just playing. I was just messing around. This is how Hayes shows that he cares about people. For some people, it breaks down their walls a little bit. I'm back. My whole thing is –

See? It feels good, right? I felt – I like – I don't know. I wanted to feel the emotion, so I just let it through. I let it all through. I've heard that about you. I was seeing red at you for a second. Yeah. My whole thing is I have this great sort of warm ability to just kind of be the human embodiment of a hug.

But then we got Haze, who's a little prickly. And what Haze will do is he'll put you off your feet and kind of draw something new out of you. Because he gets in so far, you go, holy shit, how's this guy going to get out of this one? But people let him get away with it because he does it with a smile. Yeah, because he does it with a smile. Yeah, I sort of think of Haze as one of those cacti that the shape of them makes them look like you want to hug them. To hug them. But you have to be careful. They're offering a hug.

They're saying, get in here, basically. Get in here. And if you take the hug, it'll hurt a lot. It'll hurt a lot, but you're still getting a hug. And when you really lean into it, at a certain point, water comes out. And you're still getting a hug. And when you really lean into it at a certain point, water comes out. And you're saved in the desert. That was you not having your walls down.

I will save you, but you have to pay for it in pain. It's a hurdy hook, but it keeps you alive. But isn't everything good in life? Doesn't it come from a little bit? We'll let Red Hot Chili Peppers talk about this. They do actually like You guys probably love this.

I mean, well, you guys are music guys. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is like your whole thing. Chili Peppers actually talked about this. Yeah, I think like, I think sometimes like Zach and I could even talk about this. We could even talk about like how,

you know what? Well, music's your airplane. Yeah, yeah, that's my airplane. And to get the go-go juice in the airplane, sometimes you need to have some hurt. Yeah, yeah. Pleasure doesn't spike with pain, yeah. No, I mean, Anthony said it. And here's Brad sitting have some hurt. Yeah. Yeah. Pleasure in a spike of pain. Yeah. No, I mean,

Anthony said it. And here's Brett sitting here. Nothing. We're talking about some of the most famous songs ever. And Brett is furiously typing. I'm guessing like, what is this song? He's 25 minutes late and he needed to immediately read the news.

Hey bro, read the news after. Holy shit. We're doing a fucking music episode. This is your whole thing. There's a Lord of the Rings TV show coming up. Yeah, that was announced like weeks ago. Oh, my dad just sent it to me.

I've been out of it. Yeah, Amazon purchased a prequel. It's going to be fun. Multiple series commitment. So you're going to love it, Brett. Is it the original cast? No. So you're going to love it, Brett. Is it the original cast?

No. So. We've had Jess on before. Yeah. We did a song. That she crushed. To get people to vote in the election. And guess what? They did.

Yeah. We did it. Everybody did. Oh, yeah. It was a major success. Mm-hmm. It came out on election day, and it worked very did. It was a major success. It came out on election day, and it worked very well. People came out, they voted, and the winner won because of the votes.

So, you know, can't really question that. No. So it's a good idea to have them in here again to do another big song. Yes. Jess's broader partner, Zach and A's, I'm not going to say it. He likes it now. I think we should, yeah. He likes being Zach Rhinoceros.

I'm legally changing my name to Rhinoceros. Rhinoceros. Well, you guys, we know what you do on your show. Which is you make up these songs. That's right. And you do them so fast and you just blow by them and you don't really take any time with it. Yeah. And it kind of can trick people into going like, I guess that was pretty good because it went by so fast.

Yeah. That they don't really notice. But there is a laziness to it, isn't there? I think so. And a desire not to work very hard. Yeah. A fear of hard work. Yeah, I think, like, think about all the things that go by really quickly in your life.

You know, time, trains, birds. You don't really know how they work. If you were to go into a museum and just fucking run down the halls. Yeah, just run all the way through. Just sprint and just, like, friggin' bopping, like, all the mummy through. Just sprint and just like friggin' bopping all the mummy's noses. You're pounding the Michelangelo. You fist bump with him. Does he have

hands? No. I don't know. Maybe you've got those inflatable sort of bat things that they have at sporting events. You've got those out straight and you're just bopping everything. If you were to do that, you would not notice if some of the works of art on that wall were by children in the first or third grade. Because you would be running through the museum so fast.

My kid could paint that. Yeah. My kid could paint that. But you would know. It could be next to the Mona Lisa, and you would be like, this was all art I ran through. These are the same. No, no, you would tell. Yeah, and that's consciously definitely what Zach and I are doing.

That's what we do for our podcast. It goes by so fast. We do so much of it. We make up so much content so quickly, just so much content, that how can anyone even parse through it? By the time you have a second to ask, well, is this actually a good song? We're into the next. There's another song.

There's another song. It must have been good. Some of those must have been pretty good. They're doing another one, another song. It must have been good. Some of those must have been pretty good. They're doing another one, so the first one must have been good. And it doesn't matter if you realize it's happening. You can't protect yourself from it. We'll just do a bunch of lyrics right now. We'll just sentence each.

This is a good example. It would be like this. All of the pine cones fall. And they did it from a tree that's so tall. Lucy in the sky with diamonds. And I went so hard so I could find them. I found three three three crows. One of those is a lyric from an actual

song. And you would not do it. And can I just tell you, Brett has no idea which one is the real one. He's furiously googling again. He's still on the Red Hot Chimney Poppers or whatever. He's like trying to figure out what that is. And now you've thrown another one at whatever. He's trying to figure out what that is.

And now you've thrown another one at him. He has no idea. Can you repeat it? The band? The real one is 333 Crows. So Counting Crows. That's where that comes from. It's off the album, August and everything after.

Yeah. But we were thinking, what if we actually took our time? And we actually tried to do a good job? You should know that we did a couple pilots for our podcast, and the idea that you're pitching right now is one of them. And it did not go. Because of your laziness? Yeah. It's one that's very difficult to do.

Because you didn't have experts. You self-sabotaged. I've heard that about you guys. Yeah, well, it's like I don't want to set myself up for something I can't deliver on. Afraid of success. I am afraid of success. Why are you so scared of success, Zachary Nosser? I'm afraid of it mostly because of what it means and how it will impact my life. Well, it changes your own image of yourself.

For sure. I've achieved a level of success right now wherein I am the most successful in my own head. And so... To have the world see you as successful, all of a sudden you've got to argue with them. Now I'm putting on a mask. I got

this piano. NBC. Online. And we're going to use it to make a song. Great. Now, every once in a while, I have to look at an ad after I touch a certain number of keys. Usually for Domino's Pizza. In my limited experimentation with this so far. But can you talk a little bit about the song that we're going to do and actually going to try to do a good job and take our time with for once? Well, so we have a big opportunity to do a song that we actually craft.

There's still a little bit of craftsmanship left in the world, and Hayes and I are sort of the last bastions of it. In this on-demand era. Mm-hmm. That something handmade still has value to some of us. You're talking about like an artisanal track right now. Yes. Yes.

Small batch. Wow. It's like when pizza takes forever. So what we want to do is make a song for the Super Bowl. Now you got to do it pretty far in advance because they need their submissions really early because the Super Bowl is so big, so super. So super. That they try to plan out a lot of it. And whoever is doing the halftime show this year is going to have to sing this song.

And the song should advertise some of the, you know, products that are supporting the Super Bowl. That's only fair. And the game itself. And it should talk about the game, the sport itself. And what the score is at halftime. It should say the score and it should say what teams are in it. Which is going to be a challenge.

I'm not here to pretend that it's not. Yeah, I mean, that does sound like this is going to require us to. Actually put some real thought into it. Yeah, you took the words right out of my mouth. And then I had a follow-up point, which is be, I guess, prescient. Or are we just going to work on this song until halftime? Is this just sort of the beginning? People have accused me of being precious before, and I don't mean based on the novel Push by Sapphire.

And I say to that, maybe I am precious, but so is what I create. Maybe I am precious But so is what I create What about the old adage That sometimes you have to You know, kill your darlings Oh, yes, yes, yes How does that adage go? Sometimes you have to kill your darlings

Sometimes you have to kill a child Sometimes you have to kill your darlings Sometimes you gotta kill a little kid Kill a little darling But you break it, you buy it as well That's right If you break a darling, you buy that darling Sometimes you have to kill a little kid. Kill a little darling. But you break it, you buy it as well. That's right. If you break a darling, you buy that darling. Sometimes you have to buy a broken child.

Yes. And I believe, and I could be wrong, but I believe this adage refers specifically to the children in Peter Pan. The darling children. The darling children. Yeah. So sometimes you have to kill Wendy, John, or Michael. You might have to kill, yeah, Rufio or whoever. And that's okay because they're the Lost Boys.

Does anyone know what the different things are on a piano? What do you mean? Notes? Keys? Just which thing on it. They look the same, right? Yes. It honestly, they look the different.

Exactly the same. Like powers. Sure. Sure. So. Third one from the middle is brevity. And fourth one from the bottom is dynamic. Yeah.

Okay. That sounds right. Yeah. You start getting up to the top. You start getting into ornamentation. Do you know? Should I let Brett pretend that this is like? We talk a lot about the circle of fifths on this show,

but I don't know how it directly applies to a physical keyboard. Because this is the thing. I am untrained in this. I'm just like by ear. Just by absorbing music around me and stuff. And these have what the different notes are on the keys. And that is like throwing me off. Messing him up.

Yeah. You don't want to know that C is a C throwing me off. Messing him up. Yeah. You don't want to know that C is a C. You just want to play the notes. No, because now it's like – Now he's trying to throw you off. Yeah, now it's like school for me, you know, instead of recess, instead of just like being on the playground. Yeah. And that to me –

But it's also hard work. Yeah. No, it's actually doing hard work. Well, it's like imagining when you would come back in from recess and you're very tired. Yeah. Yeah. Because you worked your ass off out there. And if you hear a song sometimes—

And you threw up a lot. Think of a song that's really fun. Oh, yeah. And then you ran hard. That's not to be overlooked. Yes, you're exhausted from throwing up. Yeah. That you ran so hard you threw up.

You threw up on the swing so it kind of like went up in the air, and then you swung into it, and hopefully you didn't eat your throw up. Well, fingers crossed, but are we talking enough about how heaving can really hurt your abs? Yes. But for me, that's a great workout. It's a great workout. This is like pleasure spiked with pain, really, is like you heave a lot.

And that is the circle of fifths because that's how we started is how pain can lead to art. So that's our one circle of fifths we've done so far. And I have five abs. Yeah, you got five pack. Holy shit. Five very distinct abs. Whoa. They're all over the place. I was going to ask, do you normally

record without a shirt? This is my first time in here. It is getting cold. So sometimes once it gets colder, I will wear a half shirt. A crop? Or the bottom half? A tube? I will wear the bottom half to keep my abs

warm. All five of them. Little ab wrap. But Hayes even came in today and just looked me in the eye, dead in the eye in the elevator, and he went, you ready to sweat? And so I knew we were working hard when we got in the studio, and I knew that it was going to be appropriate to not have shirts on. Because I have my big ropes, which maybe we'll get to or not,

but at some point we're going to be smacking those big ropes out of the ground. That's kind of how we like to end the show. Battle ropes. Well, shoot, I wish we had known, because we're not dressed in clothes ready to sweat. I'm sorry, guys. I guess we'll do the heavy lifting again.

Just like in the voting song. Brett, are you interested in this? Should I pretend that he knows what is happening? I've been creating a beat, right? Like, as you guys have been talking oh shit yeah okay without hearing it i'm just visually kind of okay well like i said we were gonna i have it ready take our time with this and really workshop it and not just like throw together the first thing that we thought of all right um and it could be just a starting point and And I did download this whole piano.

Okay. I can use that too. So for me to go through that work and for you to say, oh, well, I just did this, I downloaded an entire piano. Okay. So can you use that as well? Oh, yeah. We can use both.

Thank you. It doesn't work through the headphone jack. Great. It only plays on the speaker. We can use both. Thank you. It doesn't work through the headphone jack. Great. It only plays on the speaker. Okay. I tried. So what we have to do... Good. Oh, wow.

Yeah. That's really resonant. That's beautiful. Oh, wow. Are you feeling the same thing I'm feeling, Zach? Fear? Yeah, fear. Yeah.

So what we have to do for the football song is we have to figure out a way to, I guess, start with some of the sponsors. Okay. We'll probably talk about Heineken a little bit. Yeah. We'll probably talk about Scientology, the Church of Scientology. Yeah. They're doing a big one this year. They're going to get in there.

There's some Doritos. We've got to talk about Dairy Queen, right? It's not fast food, it's fan food Very good And there's usually one that's Whatever political movement Has kind of reached its zenith About America at that time

That is going to be the Dairy Queen one As well They're doing a thing about The players kneeling or standing up, but it's like with their burgers or something. I should say that we should. Yeah. They want you to eat the burgers standing up on their sides.

They're saying real. And it tastes so good it'll bring you to your knees, I guess, is part of the thing. So they're playing both sides. I think you have to play both sides. If you don't play both sides, I think you're going to alienate a lot of your customers. You'll lose 50% of your audience. Yes. So the burgers are patriotic,

but they will make you unpatriotic. Unless you think that kneeling is the most patriotic. I think we're safe. I think we're safe on either side of this coin. I think it's okay. Because really, at the end of the day, it's about a delicious tasting burger. And what's more American than that? Are you asking me?

Yep. Gun to my head? Yeah. Pull the trigger. Uh-oh. Is that the answer? I can't. He likes positing these gun to his head situations, but then it almost always ends.

100% of the time. I can't pick. I can't pick, you know? Oh, that's tough. I mean, a gun to your head is a pretty American thing, I will say. Yeah, I mean, well, you know, I mean, here's the thing. Let's get into the song, and we will, you know, hopefully get back to that, Zachary Nostris, if there's time. If we have time, yeah.

Let me write it down. I'll write it down. And Hayes put it on a note card. Everyone can see that. Okay, yeah, I see the note card. Holy shit, Jess is really sick. Yeah, listen, I'm sorry. It's true. It's true. I got

one of them bugs. At first I thought she just liked tea, but now I'm realizing that the tea is medicinal. It's actually necessary for her to even do this show. And people actually work here and like have to breathe in some of the air that's here that now has

your germs in it. Can you add to the note card, change the microphones after this one? breathe in some of the air that's here that now has your germs in it. Are you – Can you add to the note card, change the microphones after this one? I'm sorry, you know. I'm sorry. Discard microphone. I coughed into my arm nook like you're taught to keep others safe. But what if somebody wants to smell it later?

Yeah, I guess I do think about that. Just like as a greeting, it's like, oh, your arm nook smells good. Just as a way to get to know someone a little better. And not just be looking at our phones all the time. Actually talk to people and get to know them. I guess I could offer them my other arm. Okay, but that's, imagine like the awkwardness of that. Someone's approaching you trying to put their face in your little arm nook and you're like, oh no, take this one.

Oh, sorry, there's only one. You're right. Yeah, someone could actually get hurt. That actually could be pretty rude if someone is trying to greet you by smelling your arm nook and you try to offer them the other one. That would be an unusual way to sort of respond to a greeting. Yeah, and it would really put me in a bind. You know, like, now that. How do I unring that bell?

Mm-hmm. A lot of stalling from doing the song. Yeah. It seemed like they don't really have what it takes to do a big song. Thank you. What happened, Brett? I let the phone fall asleep. I just need you to unlock it.

There you go. Thanks. Okay. So we're doing, we need to involve Doritos, Heineken, Dairy Queen, not the ice cream stuff. They're getting away from the ice cream. Burgers. Burgers. Just burgers.

It is a burger restaurant now. Yeah. And Scientology. And then the score and the sport and who's playing. Right? And the score and the sport and who's playing. It has to be an update on stuff that happened in the game. Okay, great.

Okay? So let's start. Let's find it. Do we want to throw a ZipRecruiter ad in there too? That could be great for us. I would love that. We are trying to get them back as advertisers. That contract has lapsed.

Are you guys doing that? We do not have ZipRecruiter. That makes me feel much better. Yeah, no, we don't have ZipRecruiter. Do you guys got Lisa? Get some Lisa. No, I think we're a Casper show. Yeah, you got to have your allegiance. You got to pick. Yeah. Can I just say welcome to the family, you guys, by think we're a Casper show. Casper show. Yeah. Yeah, you've got to have your allegiance.

You've got to pick. Yeah. Can I just say welcome to the family, you guys, by the way? Oh, thank you. I haven't had a chance to say welcome to the family. Thank you so much. I haven't officially had the chance to say that. It's so wonderful having you here.

I will say the new show, Honeymoon, goes away real fast. And we have been there. And the way they treat you when you're a new show, it's pretty nice. I can still sort of remember it at this point. But that rug comes out. Are you guys still getting, like, your cars washed and, like, you getting a monthly massage? Yeah, I'm getting it washed with spittle. They're giving you a spit wash?

Yes. Dana will put her spittle on my car. Yeah. And I also think she may have some kind of medical condition. Because when she's finished with Hayes' car, she goes right over to mine. And there's still plenty of spittle. There's even more. Yes.

It's almost like she's able to generate and work up like a spittle tidal wave of sorts. And does it get the car clean? Yeah. But does it feel respectful? No. And that happens after about 20 episodes. What are you guys on? We're on 18. Oh my god. We're so close.

Have a great couple weeks. Please enjoy these two weeks. Soak up these two weeks. Do not... Take note of everything because you're going to want to remember this because soon it's all spittle all the time. Well, thanks, guys. And they wash your car with it, and they're going to do it on your phone, and they're going to frigging make you take a shower in it, and they're going to do it on your friends and your dad's friends and your books. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. And it's hard for older men to make friends.

Yeah, are we talking my dad's new friends or like my dad's work friends or my dad's friends? He's had new dad friends? Yeah, who may not understand because it's still so fresh, the relationship. Yeah, exactly. And they just exchanged contact information. Yeah, it's hard to maintain, though. Well, they bumped their phones together. They have that.

They have that because both of them have children who installed it for them, and they thought, now this is fun. Yeah, they both went and went, do you bump? Do I? And then they bumped. Oh, man. So let's come up with a good – Brett, can we have a first note, please? That's multi...

Brett. What? Ask for a note. Like a real one, please. Just give me a real note. Well, I have a note. Stop telling me what to do. All right.

Wow. He played with a homophone there. And I am shocked. This tour changed him. I know. He's been hanging out with these rockers. The grossest crust punks. I knew this would happen.

We got two Codys on our hands now. How about that? That's a note. A little murky. That sounds like the first note of that In the End by Linkin Park, doesn't it? Yeah. Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. Gets a little murky down there.

Super Bowl soup, soup. Soup, Super Bowl soup, soup, soup, soup, bowl soup. Okay, okay. Sorry. This is an easy. I'm sorry. We're actually taking our time here. I was trying to run through that Louvre again.

First of all, instead of soup, we need to be talking about burgers from Derrick Wade. You're right. Right. They don't sell soup there. But they do sell chili. Now, what makes a soup and what makes a chili? Okay, I knew you were going to do this. Okay, here we go.

I'm sorry. This is my old soup box. What makes a soup and what makes a chili? Okay. Just let's get it out of your system. We'll play the whole thing out because I know we're not going to be able to move on until you do your soup chili thing. Do you need to go over the hierarchy of beans again? And, Brad, make a note.

This is going to be about 25 minutes, so we'll cut out some of it. Yeah, can you just mark the beginning of this? I'm just saying, a lot of soups are just, what are they? They're components of several ingredients that you have in a bowl. Now, when do we transition from soup to stew? And is chili, if not a soup, isn't it merely a stew? Is it the fact that the meat is ground that makes it a chili? Well, you can have vegetarian

chili. If you take out the ground meat, it looks just like a tomato-y vegetable soup to me. And yes, I would like to go over the bean hierarchy. I thought you might. Kidney beans, garbanzo beans, black beans. Those are the beans that I'm dealing with in my chili. And I think they could'm dealing with in my chili.

And I think they could all also be in a soup. Kevin, don't leave while she's talking. Yeah. Come on, Kevin. Kevin. She's trying to say something. She's asking you. This is not rhetorical, okay? I really want people to help me decide why isn't a chili a soup?

Here she goes again. Sit down, Kevin. Actually, be polite while people are trying to do a show. Come on. And maybe Chef Kevin could answer your question. I mean, this is a guy who actually specializes in foodstuffs. Yeah. And no wonder you're so interested in food.

Take your time. Hey, guys. Chef Kevin here. Sorry, Jess, for walking soup. You're sick. Hey guys, Chef Kevin here. Sorry, Jess, for walking out. That was inappropriate. Thank you. What makes a soup a stew? Why isn't chili a soup?

Look it, I'm on my soup box. Why isn't chili a soup? Why isn't chili a soup? I think because is it often made as a stew? Was it first made as a stew? Chili? Yeah. Like in a crock pot?

It can be in a crock pot, but I don't think that that's what makes a stew. Kevin, as someone who works with Jess a lot, can I give you a little bit of a rope here? What you need to do in this situation is you need to figure out what Jess thinks the answer is. You need to present that answer to her. So you've got to figure out what she's looking for you to say. I've got a better question. Why isn't chili chili?

That stuff's hot as heck. Right? Thank you. You tell me, hey, here, this is chili. Next thing I know, I burned my mouth. I'm not expecting the temperature. You know what? It's hot both ways sometimes.

This is all sort of like Kevin's. You're shaking me up. Kevin's sort of a blue apron chef, so his experience in making soup is mostly pouring boiling hot water on a little plastic tray of ingredients. Right. And then it's just suddenly soup. You guys still have that Blue Apron sponsorship?

That has lapsed as well. That is gone, yes. That contract has expired. We had to do a couple free ones for them. Some of them have gone away without much fanfare. That one was announced pretty well ahead of time that we might lose it if we didn't straighten up.

It's hard to... Not a lot of mystery about what happened there. Yeah, some of them we look at and we go like, hey, do we not have this anymore? Is that gone? But Blue Apron, it was like, this is going. Most of my job is spent defending Sean and Hayes to advertisers.

This is why we are trying to do the nice song about good companies. Imagine a good song about some nice companies that makes you want to watch football and know the score. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry to interrupt. Is it a good song about nice companies

or a nice song about good companies? That's just going to inform I think like the types of notes we use. Okay, this is a great question. I know. Kevin. What he said. Teacher's pet. Jess, you probably would like a nice song about companies, right? Yeah, I would. About good companies.

I don't know how to play nice. Oh, no. And he's wearing a No Fear shirt. And he's wearing a No Fear shirt so we know it's true. I can do good music. I can't do nice music. Oh man.

Well I mean we can make a good song about Good Companies I guess. Okay. This is our new approach to getting some advertisers back, now that we have lost so many, is winning contests like the Rock the Super Bowl contest,

which is what we are entering with this song. And unfortunately, your names will not be on the submission, since it is mainly me and Hayes' song. But we do need a little bit of your help. And you guys sound like you're doing fine. And we're helping you in a way as well. Yeah, because you got Lisa and you got stuff. Which, get ready.

Because after a few weeks, they start emailing you and saying, your ads were bad. Yeah. And do them again. And don't mention pedophilia or whatever it is that this particular advertiser doesn't want to associate it with. Because they never say that stuff in advance. It's only after you get it wrong that suddenly it's a rule. No, they just go sniffing around and dig out something you said that they don't let go like, oh, you weren't supposed to say this.

And it's like, well, you should have told me. Come on, guys, let's be upfront, right? Yeah, right? Right. Now we don't have to pay the money for the ad because you mentioned whatever it know, whatever it is. Pedophilia or whatever else. So can we start over? And this is like our role in

this as like creators of it is yes, you guys are singing and writing the words of the song but we're giving you notes along the way which is us helping and that's why it's ours. Can we do it again? I like the melody. I like talking about the Super Bowl, but no soup discussion.

You got that out of your system. It has to be about Dairy Queen burgers. Great. Brett? Well, okay. Okay. Burgers on their side, side, side, make you fall to your knees. I'm sorry.

What's the matter? Well, I just, you said that the melody was the same. Yeah. You said that the melody didn't change. So I was wondering about that too. I'm not a music guy, but it did seem like it changed quite a bit. I was using the melody from Linkin Park's In The End. Well, I was afraid that when I didn't hear from Brett that I needed to vamp and sort of make a new intro until Brett caught up.

And Zach, I'm wondering how married are you to your last name? Because I know we really love this Rhino thing, but it's pretty close to Heineken. Sure. And can you be Zach Heineken? Zach Heineken. Sure. And can you be Zach Heineken? Zach Heineken. And can you sort of burst onto the track like, yo, Zach Heineken on the track. If we could break it down in a little

like, for example, like a Linkin Park Jay-Z collaboration where you bust in as Zach Heineken. Much like Collision Course. Yes. And you start spitting a little bit. I think that's good. So Jess, I apologize.

I'm going to let you do the intro. Then Zach Heineken will bust in. Okay, great. And now should I let Brett start so I don't have to vamp? Let me get this intro. Let's not count on Brett for anything in particular. Okay, okay. And if he helps helps that's great

hold on that's it right do we have to pay for this probably I think not anymore now it's fair it's fair use

it's fair use because you changed the melody I mean I mean I did I was the was the paying for it was also a thought that crossed my head when I was switching it up. Are we worried? We don't have to use it. I know that you have a contentious personal relationship with Linkin Park. That's right.

The neighborhood outside Chicago. Correct. Not the band. Not the band, but it makes it hard to work with the band as well. Yeah, that's a perfect... In a major key, it's better. That's a lot more American football sounding. We want to be in major keys.

This is an exciting event. And your drum. Like a march. Oh, yeah. Okay. Burgers on their side, side, side. Makes you fall to your knees. It's Dairy Queen.

Dairy Queen. And Zip Recruiter. Zach Heineken in the Super Bowl. Everyone is touching down. Miami Dolphins, Denver Broncos. And the score? What is the score? It's just halftime Miami Dolphins. Denver Broncos. And the score? What is the score? It's just halftime.

0-0. Low scoring game. What's going to happen? Everyone wins. Everyone. Oh, a field goal now. Oh, Zach Heineken. Okay.

Wow, we're close. We're really, really close. We're really close. We nailed the score. See what happens when you take your time? We nailed the score We nailed the score I think it's a great call that a field goal happens During the halftime show

That's so smart It would be a legendary occurrence At Super Bowl If there was a halftime field goal If the kicker snuck onto the field And just racked up a couple extra points For their team While there's no defense out there.

I frankly can't believe no one has tried it yet. Yes, it's totally unprotected. People in football are not doing enough sneak about. Well, I think they're worried, especially at the Super Bowl, that they're going to maybe hit like a dancer. Yes, yeah. Or like Lady Gaga is coming down from the roof. And she's going to block it or catch it and run it to the other end zone.

That football, it kicked off Janet Jackson's top again. Uh-oh. Scary. You don't want to be the player that accidentally is the reason that Lady Gaga scored an interception on the other side. Pick six. No. That would be a really dubious legacy. You have to be careful because I'm pretty sure most of her outfits are made of Velcro.

So that ball, you know. Yeah, and as we all know, a football, if it hits Velcro, you may never get it off. You never get it off. In fact, I would love for that to be the chorus. I was going to say, when it came out of your mouth, you'll never get it off. You'll never get it off. Well, they call it the pigskin because it is made of the other side of

Velcro. That's right. Okay, so we can jump back in. I think this is after Zach Heineken's first time he busts onto the track. Which is not to say that Zach Heineken doesn't have two or three more

verses. We want people to think he's gone. Sure. I think the good part of being— I do want enough time to pass that people are like, oh, too bad Zach Heineken left. And then he could really sneak up on the microphone. Yeah. I think that's—yeah. Maybe even the second time he comes in, he's kind of quiet and you're not sure if he's back.

You hear like whispering in the background. That could be interesting. That could be something. You're like, you got to sort of go like, wait a minute. Is back. You hear like whispering in the background. That could be interesting. That could be something. Where you're like, you got to sort of go like, wait a minute, is that kind of still here in the room? Now, you did that great, I think it was almost like a lyrical drop, Sean, of ZipRecruiter. Yes. Which I loved.

Just as a musician, as someone who likes music, as someone who appreciates what ZipRecruiter does, do you feel like we still need to honor ZipRecruiter further in the song, or does that cover ZipRecruiter? Do we move on to Church of Scientology? I'm just trying to think of... Again, I'm not necessarily trained in music, but what I do know is, just in terms

of song structure, you can't have too much ZipRecruiter. That's right. The way ZipRecruiter works, they are not an actual company. They are an algorithm that places ads on podcasts and then they troll the sonic file of the podcast for the name ZipRecruiter. And you get paid

every time you say the name. So there's no reason to stop saying it. I wouldn't stop it. In fact, I would say that I think you should be drawing some inspiration from DJ Khaled right now in the way that ZipRecruiter is integrated into the song. And I was just going to make a hilarious reference to all of our favorite SNL sketch and say that I think the ZipRecruiter might be the cowbell of this song. If you could believe it. Come on.

That is really nice. And I think we need more Zip Recruiter. Okay, attention to the students. You've got a fever. Here we go. Yeah, okay. Okay, so this is the second verse now.

And the tempo goes way up. The tempo goes way up. Don't. Do you need help with your mind? We have problems, solutions you'll find. Come with us. Come to explore. See what Scientology has in store.

Zip Recruiter! Zach Heineken! Zach Heineken! I was here on the track all along. You didn't see me. I was hiding. Denver Broncos just scored a touchdown. How?

Halftime's still going on. Miami Dolphins starting a riot. Fighting in the field. Fighting in the field with knives and guns and guns and knives. Neal! Now stand down. Now kneel and stand back up. Heineken!

Drink it all. Zip Recruiter! DJ Callum! We ain't stopping! Okay, that was good. Okay, Brett. It seems that times get harder for you to play those six notes as we go on. It's incredibly small.

It is a very small piano. Small piano. It is a small piano. It's downloaded onto a phone. I guess I sort of introduced the idea at the end that people want Zip Recruiter to stop. And that was a little bit of the DJ Khaled inspiration. As we all know, a lot of people told him to stop. And he has not forgotten that.

He in fact refuses. And here's what I love about that because I think pop music today is a lot about beefs. And so you were sort of making a grand allusion. Like the Dairy Queen.

I was going to say, that's incredible. And that's our second circle of fifths. Is we got it back to beef. Okay. And there's beef and chili. Thank you. And if I could just say for one second, if I put a bunch of beans and ground meat in a tomato bisque,

isn't that starting to look a lot like a chili, my friend? Hey, man. You asked me to tell you the difference between a soup and a chili? Gun to my head? Yeah. Gun to your head. Yeah. Click.

Thankfully it wasn't loaded. Thankfully it wasn't loaded. Yeah. I don't let him load it anymore for these scenarios. That's nice. That's good. That's a good friend. It got scary.

The fake gun that he gets to use, yes. Now, Hayes, I notice you haven't really sang a solo or anything. I obviously have a famous Zip Recruiter character. My plan with this initially was that I would be sort of the writer. A maestro. Sort of like DJ Khaled does and just take a song that came out not that long ago and take someone else to sing over it and hire someone else to play my voice on the track. So I'm sort of the real DJ Khaled here

and just sort of letting everyone else do it. But it is my song. Yeah. Okay. Well, do we want to do one more verse dedicated entirely to the Church of Scientology? I feel like we'd have to. Yeah.

Yeah. And, you know, I don't know if Zach Heineken is here or not. Nobody does. No one does. Right? Can we just try this beat that I was working on? Yeah, and we haven't talked too much about just the actual game of football. We've talked about what's going on in the game,

but we haven't talked about what some of the rules and penalties are. That's right, that's right, that's right. I can do that. That's great, that's great. Because these are music guys, you know? I worry about that. But Zach Heineken can talk about what is going on in the game, and I can provide a little extra context about how it actually

works. We need to stop mentioning that Zach Heineken is in this track because I feel like his motives are right. He's gone. He might not even be here. After that second surprise verse, he's gone for sure, I think. But I can't be totally positive.

I've been fooled before. Give me a taste of the beat. Yeah. All right. I'm nervous. You just. All right. As always, Brent, can you slow the beat down at all?

Yeah. I'm working on it. It's so fast It's somehow not slowing down I'm typing it Alright that's not Is that feeling good? There it is

What is that fucking foghorn That is in the middle of that That inception drop There it is. What is that fucking foghorn that is in the middle of that? That Inception drop. We got a Hans Zimmer in here? I put this together blind. Figure out which one is the whale call. I kind of like it. Okay, let's try it.

All right. Scientology verse. Oh, oh. Scientology verse. Hello, I'm L. Ron Hubbard And I live in a volcano You can tell I'm L. Ron Hubbard Because of the drink in my hands It's a Heineken!

Zach Heineken was L. Ron Hubbard all along Up in here Now let's hear about some of the rules of football The object of the game is to advance the ball Into the other team's territory I think there's 12 guys on either side Five of them protect the quarterback Football! The object of the game is to advance the ball into the other team's territory. I think there's 12 guys on either side. Five of them protect the quarterback.

The quarterback's a thrower. The other guy's a runner. Some guys catch the ball. They go into the end zone, and that is worth six points. Tweet, tweet, tweet. It's me, the referee. Hey, you can't do that, I say. Illegal motion in the backfield.

Ooh, it's past interference. Wait a minute, I was really Paul Haggis, and I'm here to stop the Scientology verse. Everybody give me tons of credit, because I was only in the church for 25 years of my life. Fooled you! Shut out a bunch of my family members, and I wrote the movie Crash, so you know I'm nice.

And how about that? Yeah. I liked the part where we so you know I'm nice. And how about that? Yeah. I liked the part where we found out he was nice. Because I was. Yes. I was a little worried. I was a little worried. We did say it was going to be a nice song.

Yeah. I think that's an important one. Because you know I'm nice. Yeah. My back is this. Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na. I'm also here. Please listen to me. It's me, Leah Remini.

I'm also on A&E. Watch my show where I stop Scientology. Surprise! It's me, Zach Heineken. That was my show all along. It is my show on A&E. I own all media. Ha, ha! Tom Cruise here. Wouldn't be a Scientology song without me. That was my show all along. It is my show on A&E. I own all media.

Ha ha. Tom Cruise here. Wouldn't be a Scientology song without me, Tom Cruise. Mission Impossible. Remember that movie? I don't. The ball's in the air. You have to go for the ball. Who's crying in the corner?

It's John Travolta Okay Brett So now The song that we have is a little long It will go into regulation play The halftime show will extend into regulation play But they came into our halftime show So it's only fair at this point

That we get a little extra time So the clock will be ticking down while we're performing this. So you see what happens when you actually do spend a little time on something. You end up with such a good song. Here's my concern.

Were we to play this song on our podcast, we would peak. What would we do the next week? And if we were to come back and do that. I guess my response to that would be fucking don't do that. That's what we were thinking. Exactly.

Because this is our show. We own all of this content. For sure. Hypothetically, I meant a song comparable to this. Not that it could be different. And we own the rights to Zach Heineken. I mean, even though that is you. That is my legal name. In a way, that's also us.

Yeah. And if you use Zach Heineken on your show, you will sue your ass to fucking Mars. But then we'd all be on Mars together. That's true. Don't do a song about that either. Do you know how long it takes to get to Mars? Do we want to do sort of a post-roll for the song where we talk about other actors that we can remember that are Scientologists?

Okay. I guess if one of us had spent some time coming up with that while the rest of us were talking, it seems like that would be fun for them. Well. Who plays? up with that while the rest of us were talking. It seems like that would be fun for them. Well, who plays Beck? Oh, okay. Beck Bennett. Who plays Peggy Olsen? Elizabeth Moss.

Elizabeth Moss. I think Laura Prepon. Sure. Well, we spent a lot of time with Danny Masterson. Yeah, Danny Masterson. Eventually, Danny Masterson. That might be right. Eventually, he's going to talk you into it. Danny's in there, yeah. Jason Doering.

He played Logan Eccles on Veronica Mars. Oh, Erica Christensen. Yeah, for sure. People used to say Greg Garcia, but I think that was like a rumor that came from the fact that Jason Lee was one. And Ethan Supley. Like a super version of Jason Lee is kind of what he was. He was a Supley.

Can you guys think of any famous actors or actresses that are Christians? So, this is a great, this will really get Sean going. I didn't want to get all wound up today. You know, I came here to kind of have fun with my friends and make art. But if you're going to really put it to me, yeah, I can think of, I can think of actually the reverse. A lot of Christians who are actors and actresses. Yeah, I can think of actually the reverse. A lot of Christians who are actors and actresses.

Yeah, because anyone who is pretending to believe in that hogwash and is trying to sell you some of that is absolutely just acting like a person. And you say that they should all get the Academy Award for Best Liar.

It's a billion-way tie again this year for Best Liar. Gender-neutral award, by the way. You guys will love that. And it's to every Christian in the world. And they all get the statue. They're all bringing home the hardware this year again for best liar and actor and not even saying anything real. Now, a lot of the ideas I like. Sure.

Love. Into it. I'm huge on that. Brett, I love you and I'm in love with you. But a lot of the— Brett, Brett. Oh, yeah. I love you and I'm in love with you.

Yeah, a lot of the ways that these... And maybe our guests were like... Award-winning liars. Go ahead, Brett. Hit our guests with it. Both of them. Individually. Zach, I love you, and I'm in love with you.

Jess, I love you, and I'm in love with you. Okay, yep. And louder. Louder? Yeah. Do it again, but really loud. To both of them. Zach, I love you, and it again, but really loud. To both of them, Zach,

I love you, and I'm in love with you. Thank you. Slow it down for Jess. It has to be organic. Bring up something else first, and then hit them with that. So just have a nice conversation with Jess. Yeah.

I like your shirt, Jess. Thanks, Brett. Is this loud enough? Yeah, it's great. I love you, and I'm in love with you. Whoa. Gosh, that came out of nowhere. That's nice.

Yeah, that felt good. It can feel good to hear that from someone like Brett. Even crust punks like him have a little bit of goodness in their heart. So anyway, yeah, I love a lot of the ideas that are involved in Christianity, but the way they've perverted those ideas just to basically make money

off all the suckers and liars. When are you guys doing your show again? Hang on, Hayes. I'm not done. What is this? These communion wafers? What a racket. Okay, Hayes. I'm not done. Okay. What is this? These communion wafers? What a racket. Okay, go ahead. When are you guys doing your show?

In 45 minutes. Okay. Okay. A lot of downtime between this one. I mean, we're done. Yeah, you guys got anything you want to do? I might see if they can wash my car again. If it's going to get weird.

I hear Dana juicing up outside. She's hearing this. I can hear her glands just filling her mouth with spittle. Bye. Bye. Earwolf. I'm a horny girl wolf this has been an Earwolf production

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