Hollywood Handbook - Jesse Farrar and Mike Hale, Our Your Kickstarter Sucks Friends

Episode Date: May 4, 2021

The Boys catch up with JESSE FARRAR and meet his co-host MIKE HALE of the podcast Your Kickstarter Sucks. Subscribe on Patreon and watch the full video recording of this episode here. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

this is a head gum podcast so you know the line is going on forever and ever and ever and i am just like checking the time and i'm like i'm gonna miss the previews i'm gonna miss the previews and it's a big deal for me it's my first time back in a theater after like all this craziness and I want to cherish the experience and I don't want to miss the previews but the line is taking a long time and I'm getting nervous now

like I hope I don't screw up so I get to the front and the whole time I'm rehearsing and I'm going one ticket for Dallas Bu going, one ticket for Dallas Buyers Club, one ticket for Dallas Buyers Club, one ticket for Dallas Buyers Club. And I get there and they say, can I help you, sir? And I go, one ticket for Bryce Dallas Howard.

Okay. And this like little light goes on behind the register and the man now looks nervous and he goes, yes right away sir and they like put a blindfold on me and then this like sack over my head okay and they zip tie my hands and start guiding me through this like labyrinth like it's all these twists and turns and into like the back room and then they place me on this sort of giant glowing egg uh that's not it's not wet but it's not dry yeah you know it's like slick yes exactly what you're doing but nothing comes off on your hand no i keep checking like is it

like staining my clothes or something but there's nothing there and I'm sitting and they remove the blindfold and everything and from the shadows comes this absolute vision okay in red and it's Bryce Dallas Howard Ron and it's right donald rohan howard it's ron howard

i hear you wanted to see my daughter yeah i go no no sir there's been a misunderstanding he slaps me i go no no i just he's pissed he sounded pretty friendly when you first said but he's he always sounds this is yes exactly yeah this is part of his game he slaps me and he goes misunderstanding so you don't want to see my daughter and i go well i i i i want i would see her of course he goes so you do want to see my daughter go mr howard i don't know what you want me to say i just wanted to see dallas byers club and then he's and this stops him in his tracks and he kind of looks at me down he goes pretty good flick that dallas byers club so he had seen it already he'd seen it i'm like i just want it like yeah just to make

the timing clear when you say like your first time going to the movies after all this craziness you're you're talking about the 2012 presidential election absolutely yes like when that was over and had all like that had all like hello sarah palin said she could see russia from her house yeah that and so i guess that was four years earlier no it was 2008 but what i'm saying is like is that not gonna come up again like if they bring that up again you don't want to be at the movies yeah you don't want to be at the movies when that if that comes up again somebody's gonna have to bring it up i mean it's the same party that we're talking about yeah okay i just mitt romney style right we all remember this video mitt romney style american voters so i'm like freaking out like and i'm worried that i'm missing that too but now the election's

over so i'm going well it won't be like as big of news and i'm in there and and he goes pretty good flick that dallas byers club and i said whoa i mean i could that's what i've heard that's what i've heard he goes oh you did well i didn't direct it so how good could it be and he started punching me in the stomach just a little it doesn't hurt yeah it's like little punches yeah just these little but it's like yeah it doesn't hurt but doesn't feel good it's like the glowing egg in a way where it's like this quality of like nothing's happening with that that's just that is it possible that's just like a chair just something for you to sit on well this is what i grew to realize is that like yeah ultimately we were in the you know what i thought when they finally let

me out what i thought had been like a big maze was really just just one turn okay and then i was in the you lose all sense of time when you're in one of those hoods and i was just kind of in the like broom closet oh okay and that was just like ron's chair that he keeps there okay that was let me use it that was your punishment was he gave you a bunch of little punches in the stomach we want we watched a uh cut of um like his cut of apollo 13 like what he had wanted he wanted he wanted the rocket to blow up basically a minute 10 of that movie wow he was just like wouldn't this be fucking shocking like you go to see this and i just blow these fuckers up then you just kind of follow the debris for the rest of the movie and i was like i mean i would have been surprised yeah he's like well what is the movies except surprises anyway it was i i mean

it it was a special experience for me and as some theaters start to reopen and also as we lose some of our greatest theaters here in los angeles it's nice to reflect on these times hey welcome to hollywood hamburg insider's guide to kicking butt and dropping names. Today's names are Jesse and Mike. Jesse Farrar, guest, has been on the show before. And Mike Hale, the dog's boner. They are the host of your kickstarter sucks uh which is addressed i guess to not to the listeners but just like to some people that they're going to be talking about without

their permission on the show uh jesse has been a guest previously like i like i just said uh he asked and this was actually something that we would have suggested as well Jesse has been a guest previously, like I just said. He asked, and this was actually something that we would have suggested as well, to be able to have company in doing the show again. That sounded great to me. I think we actually found, last time Jesse did the show, we found a great dynamic where Engineer Jordan's brother we brought into the studio. He and Jesse were able to have this kind of vibe that I think really worked nicely.

And of course, now he has his friend Mike here. And I am anticipating a really nice episode for that reason. Jesse, great to see you again. How are you? I'm so well. Thank you for the opportunity. That's what I view this as, an opportunity, number one, first and foremost. So thanks for having me on again.

And Mike, thanks for coming along for the ride, my friend. I hope you know what you've gotten yourself into with these guys. Yeah, thanks, I I guess kind of a weird thank you yeah I don't think you heard the show when I was on before so you actually Mike didn't listen to the episode

I did listen to the episode because I like to support my friends and when you get the little number that you see oh somebody just listened to it one more time and you send that message to jesse it's me and i'll feel good about i'll feel good about that jesse last time you came on the show you wanted to talk about the store a lot going to the store um oh yeah experiences that you had had there did did you ever get that resolved or is that is that like an ongoing it's still a part of my life okay you know it's not obviously it's not

the only thing i think about anymore um so you have you're addressing the fact that for a while that was the only thing you were thinking about because that was for all outward that was my impression yeah it was i it felt like there was really nothing else going on upstairs for you That was the only thing you were thinking about. Because that was, all outward appearances. That was my impression, yeah. It felt like there was really nothing else going on upstairs for you. And that it was the store and the proposition that you encountered at the store as well. Yeah. And obviously it's been, I don't know to the exact date. It's been more than a year, obviously.

That's obvious. Since that, it's been i don't i don't know to the exact day it's been more than a year obviously um since that's obvious since that it's clear since that happened maybe even two years so obviously in that time period i've grown you know that's not so like two different uses of the word obviously and like i don't know what you've been doing i have no i have absolutely no contact with you in this intervening period so like that to me i just want to say to me that maybe it's obvious to you to me i have absolutely no idea anything that is going on with you but mike i mean like i don't know like maybe mike probably hasn't mike seems like he'd be aware of what you were doing. Is it true? Mike, has Jesse grown a lot in the past? It has obviously been a year or more. Yeah, I would say now, yeah, he does.

He has grown a lot. He's doing a lot more with charity and stuff. Wow, that's awesome. That is awesome. When someone has trash that's too big to take to anywhere he comes over with his like a van and stuff and he does that for people okay oh yeah he does like a bulk item yeah pick up yeah you used to know this he used to be a public masturbator uh really badly and he used to have a problem with that but now i don't think jesse i don't think you've done that for quite

some time right masturbated off well public that actually is not something that I didn't know that Jesse was masturbating off anywhere that was not something that we got into because of the whole like the store centric

major of the conversation but if that was connected in in in some way yeah actually he's putting some of the pieces together for me from that initial story of why you would be someone to be approached with the offer that you you want me to suck that thing you mind if i uh oh what do you what do you got there you mind if i i was just and this is essentially yes the nature of the negotiation that he engaged in no you know and i and we do that kind of stuff we do that kind of like play acting stuff like you know we like will just like shift into character like that like mike just did and so like that's that's totally with that's a big part of the show is

that we do if you're talking to me i I know. It's little scene-lets. Yeah. Jesse, these guys are pros, bro. But this is a crossover episode, so we might have some new listeners and people will be like, Mike doing that, is that normal for the show? Yes, it is totally. Yeah, we do that on the show. Exactly the kind of thing that we do.

We ask someone a question. It's fake. It's all fake. It's all fake. It's all it is. It's just crap. The show's fake? Yeah. And i know that we all wear masks there's an element of artifice to every interaction um that's

the human mind the ability to imagine to create uh to fantasize uh has kind of layered even the most genuine exchange between two people with a little bit of the stuff that creates our dreams hasn't it is that what you mean jesse i was just thinking i don't know just like this whole year has been like crazy or whatever so i don't know yep so just what i mean that's just what I was thinking about. That hit you, Mike. Yeah. That hit Mike in the belly, man. And I watched that connect with Mike right in the bread basket. Jesus, dude. And honestly, like, took the fucking air out of him.

Let's pull that right out. Can I just be, can I just be, can I just be real? Shit's been so messed up. Okay. Yeah. Can we be real? I'd like to be, but I don't, I don't know how these guys are going to take it so look out you know for me when i say something i'm you're getting you're getting all of me whenever i say something so when i say something like like you know i had just gotten

a haircut i wasn't publicly masturbating um i was minding my own business i think i even had my headphones in um so you were masturbating in a way that you thought people couldn't see no and that's not even masturbating underneath the little barbershop uh blanket thing yeah so i'm curious is the haircut related somehow so it's not public if you got that barbershop blanket on that's not because i will say your haircut that day and it was like totally nice but it did sort of look like someone who had gone into a barbershop who didn't actually need a haircut yeah and and got like got like more done after having recently had a haircut it seemed like a hey man just clean it

up and uh go ahead and take your time. Do you want a scalp massage? Yeah, I do. Take as long as you want. The barber's like, this looks pretty cut. I'm not even sure where to cut on this. Yeah, and you guys don't do the recreational haircutting. I mean, we don't anymore because the year has been so nuts. That's been crazy, okay.

But when we go back to normal, you'll be just kind of like almost just like just doing a pop-in right like when you i shudder at the idea the size of the tip you're gonna leave when you go back in for your for that first haircut after all this stuff is over man yeah wait yeah isn't that that's a famous thing about Jesse? That you say once that you tip your barber? Like 150%. Yeah. The haircuts are very cheap here.

I think people don't understand that. It's just not built into the... The business owners out here are very corrupt. And my job is to sort of clean up the streets, basically. And I do that with my philanthropy as mike alluded to earlier so this is the charity that you're this is the charity we're fine this is you like getting involved and well it's not yeah kind of but if we can be honest after he's done with uh after he's done with that goddamn uh barbershop blanket at the back of it it's gonna need some clean professional

cleanup okay and that's what the so part of the tip is attributed towards so it's not as damn wholesome you know as you might think yeah so the barber's like okay so this isn't a tip this is actually what yeah that guy this is it's hush money at that point it becomes hush money it's a payoff wow over and above the service charge normally incurred is what i always understood a tip to be so whatever they do with it is their business as far as i'm concerned you know and is this is your uh your big trash pickup process like is this also like i'm wondering this is connected to the barbershop in a way where like you'll take the big bag of hair yeah for example and you think you think of this as like a transactional like uh well so interesting because you know they say one man's trash is

another man's treasure and i think that where one where one person would see like hey you know i have this big hair i can't get rid of and jesse sees that and in this really beautiful like illustration of perspective says hey free hair what do you know free hair i can't wait to masturbate on that so he's doing that he's i mean it's this guy's a lot of it's my hair it wouldn't it wouldn't and i'm not it's not something i'm i'm not i don't do that that's not something i do but i just i do think if you did it would be within your rights because you're just taking your own hair back and in general like this isn't one of those shows like this isn't like one of those shows from like the new york scene no where they're like this isn't like serious

xm like raw dog radio and stuff like this is like this is we don't normally get into this like in this much detail this is my fault for asking what jesse had been doing over the like since i saw him last yeah we knew that we knew we had given mike permission to get real and yeah uh i don't think we realized that for him getting real was exclusively talking about Jesse masturbating, which I didn't want that to be the bulk of the show either. But, you know, I think we've landed on something interesting with like taking your own hair back, no matter what you do with it, because we have these kind of conversations with Kevin, where I say like, Chef Kevin, do you think it is moral that you file for unemployment from Earwolf, even though you're making even more money?

Yeah. Now, just fleecing Hayes and I for like a third of the work you did for Scott Aukerman or something. And he will say like, that's my money. Like, that's not like that. Like, it's them or me, man. Like, that's a pool i paid into it i'm like right but you're being dishonest with them and he's like are they not dishonest with me and he goes on these diatribes about like the government and these politicians it's pretty

compelling stuff and i would say that you have the same thing with your hair where it's like hey it's my fucking hair i yeah i have the same thing with ackerman as well i mean if you know that the whole i mean i've got i've got i've got a laundry list of stuff I could talk about that's not me jerking my prick off. It doesn't matter to me. It's you guys. Because, again, you think that it's private when you do it. So you don't talk about it as it's happening.

Oh, wait, you talk about it? You talk about jerking off while you're jerking off oh that's interesting no i'm just like i've distinctly can you get in here for god's sake i'm trying to get on that is interesting actually if you do mike's been mike's been getting in here i just i mean i just wanted to say that's his that's what he he does think that it's it's his right to masturbate in public and it's like everybody else's problem and it's like that's not your right it's actually you're actually making a lot of people's day bad but we're back we're back in the raw dog area and i i really don't want to get i really don't want to get stuck here you know the idea i i do have to also stay here for a moment the idea that

talking yourself through the process is somehow wrong that is definitely not what we do here uh you know i i would say don't kink shame but i don't even think it's that kinky to just give yourself a little encouragement and to make it feel sexy like i mean you are in some ways practicing sex so why wouldn't your partner and your partner is why wouldn't i warn myself that i'm about to climax or you know like that's not the expectation for me or that my partner has of me that i am just like fully just like shut off not communicating like that it's like for me it's like this is a shared experience and like and also it is for me in some ways to communicate and say that feels really good and say that to myself as well just checking in with yourself say like like, wow, awesome.

Yeah, I'll do that too. That's not a problem for me at all. So you also do that. That thing that you were just saying was stupid. You also do that. You're now saying. Yeah, I love that. I love that shiz. So I want to go back to Kevin.

Some of Kevin's like financial practices. Filing for a stimulus check for every one of the earwolf hosts past and present that goes like to his address uh i also thought that initially that that was like illegal in some way but then kevin explained to me what emotional labor is how much emotional labor he has been called on to do at earwolf over the course of like him producing all these shows and how this money is like is technically his uh and i don't know like i also i know nothing about this isn't like my kevin I'm not in that financial world. When he told me he was filing for a payroll protection loan for Bartelt Insurance

because his dad didn't have the fucking stones, I thought, that's not even your business. I mean, I guess ultimately it will become yours, and you're doing so well already. This is payroll protection. All right. This will pay for my roles. He bought a Rolls Royce.

Yeah. That's actually really nice car. Yeah. He bought a freaking rolly with, with the payroll protection. They have the hood ornament that comes off or something. Yeah. Sick.

Huh? Yeah. Good luck stealing the Hodor ornament. That thing's gone before you can say lickety split. Did you say good luck stealing it, but it's easy? I don't understand.

Good luck being the one who gets to steal it. Oh, because it goes inside the car. It goes inside the car. Good luck. This is me. So it'll be gone. It'll disappear. Even if you're'll disappear even if you're waiting even if you're like hiding in kevin's garage just like primed to pounce on it yeah that like the second he turns off his audio who was that was that jesse what is it i said yeah yeah i said yeah okay did that come through i heard so it's just like

something just like a don't say good luck to the guy who's gonna steal something from you he I said yeah. Did that come through? I heard something. Don't say good luck to the guy who's going to steal something from you. He doesn't need good luck to steal it from you. He's going to try. He's going to try. We'll see what happens. I think we'll see what happens with him.

Do you want to introduce... I feel like I know Jesse as well as I'm ever going to at this point. Jesse, do you want to introduce Mike I feel like I know Jesse as well as I'm ever going to at this point. Jesse, do you want to introduce Mike to us? Just tell us about your friend. This is my first time. I mean, I did

your Kickstarter sucks. We didn't of course talk about Kickstarter at all. Didn't do anything. No segments. We just... I don't actually remember anything about it. I was going to say, you don't remember doing it, do you? No, I don't.

The answer is I don't. But I know that I did. And it wasn't the forum to, like, get to know more about Mike. And I feel like you're the guy to kind of, like, tell us about, you know. Well, Mike is my friend, basically. Yeah, there you go. He lives around here. Okay.

And he does my show with me. He does your Kickstarter, so he does the show with me. Yes, I do. He's my co-host. Three things about me. Mike, what else? what else no hang on there was something else i'm gonna say something else about you this guy well he's had a crazy year and you don't want to don't mess with this guy that's the other thing okay don't mess with him that's actually why i brought him because yeah if he's like sort of your enforcer you brought him so nobody would mess with him?

Well, yeah. Yeah. You can mess with him all you want. It feels like he's messing with you. It feels like Mike has been messing with you. That's part of it. That's part of the plan. And Jesse, he's been talking about you messing with yourself.

Yeah. He's been talking about that exclusively he sometimes exclusion of all other content sometimes he gets hold of something and it's hard to sort of shake him loose of it and that's and that's also your situation as well well that's what it means that's what he means by dog boner eh he's like a dog with a boner i don't know what he means mike do you want to speak to that no i don't at all okay nice to be here though guys thank you for thank you yeah that's really nice I wish that would happen more

throughout the show when we were hosting let's talk about the show I mean Sean you can say it like is that what you were going to say the thing I really wanted to discuss was your show such a funny idea, guys.

And where did this come from to be clowning on this Kickstarter's asses and be completely merciless? And when did you first realize you were funny and how did you become so ruthless? And are there any sacred cows

left in comedy? Please, walk me through this. Oh, Jesse, go. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no. No, I couldn't possibly do it. You go ahead and do it. What we're doing right now is we are living in a nightmare of sean and hayes's making where they don't this

wasn't my idea they don't want but this is a projection of your pathology you don't want to be forced okay i just want to say i didn't feel your show i didn't do any of it like people were like do you want to do this and i was like i guess sure but you're the grand architect are you not i mean did i like set in motion this this like piece of work that has like yes honestly taken on a life of its own like and become something that is so important to so many people yeah absolutely but did i did i want to do this today no i'm fine doing it but it's not like what i i didn't if we want to look back at the minutes like i i actually was about 20 minutes late and wasn't even aware the show was happening and actually tried to just come on and say hey i really don't feel like doing this

i just want to correct the record on that initially you can say whatever you were gonna say but like that first part was absolutely fake. But I can continue, you said? Oh, yeah. Okay. I don't want to explain what I do or who I am or why I do it. I think probably in the same way that you... I feel like we feel the same way on this.

If I can bring you guys into the circle a little bit, I think you also don't want to talk about what you think about what you do. I'm a professional podcaster. I love what I do. I love sharing my experiences with my audience. I love connecting with my fans in this incredibly intimate way. People have been kind enough to invite me into their ears, whether it be on a long commute

with a loved one and we've gotten to travel the country just like meeting people that like we sort of feel like we already know through that like in this space wouldn't trade for anything and I've got the options. So, I mean, yeah, like, I could, the issue for me is like, we don't have time, I could talk about it all day long.

It's like, we only have so much time. That's all the show is. Yeah, exactly. And it's the same for us. It's the same way for us as well. We're right there in the same spot. So you do that,

you're saying you also do that. Yep. You just said you don't want to do it. You just told us that you don't. It's the same. I mean, it's like looking into a mirror with you guys. I swear. Okay. You just said it was different. I swear to God. I swear to God. It's like I'm looking in a mirror. I have to ask, Mike, is there something just off camera happening for you?

No. Why? No, why? What's up? No, you just sort of... A lot of times, there are these long stretches where you're kind of looking off to the side. And occasionally, you're doing some laughing, and I go, damn, if this guy's watching a funny cartoon on his phone or another monitor or something, I got to hear about it. Yeah uh looney tunes pulled up no my cat yes what are we working with yeah i gotta get my cat out of the office hang on you're just gonna you're gonna step away for a second you said it's fine jesse you're okay it's cool it's for one second ain't no big deal for me, brother. I'm just hanging. I'm afraid I'll fall into the void, but...

Yeah, no problems here, gang. Basically just wrapping up this crazy year. Hey, what's up? Okay, he's back. That was fine. See, Jesse, that was great. He's actually energized. He's completely refreshed.

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to be fully transparent that 500 million, most of that was the dresses. Well, yeah. I mean, you're talking about Hollywood memorabilia. You're talking about ornate gowns in some cases. And so that was costing me a lot, a lot, a lot, a lot. Stop wasting money on things you don't use. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions by going to rocketmoney.com slash your unwanted subscriptions by going to rocket money.com slash the boys that's rocket money.com slash the boys rocket money.com slash the boys hollywood handbook yeah let's talk about it what did you guys have in mind

for the show we were going to talk about like you i mean you were saying that you don't want to talk about what your show is but it's's all in the title. You're telling these guys that their Kickstarters absolutely suck. And this can be, I think, an introduction for some people. We have some audience overlap, I'm sure, but there can be some more people that get to know the show. And I thought one thing we could do is... So, Kevin, you did some kind of like research like you know you kevin has been like kevin does a lot of prep for us and um

uh he did some research on like some of the work that kevin's always on his grind and he was able to collect some really cool stuff relating to your show and get us all set up some of these kickstarters i guess that you have told they suck and told them that how much they suck and why uh i've actually had some responses that kevin was able to get a hold of and we'd like to talk about these products maybe you can say a little bit about why you think they suck and then we can hear from them and the real people behind them yeah um and we do obviously we do a lot of this stuff as well i mean sometimes we lift up as well it's not just i mean sort of the show is a misnomer you know i mean hollywood handbook nobody would take you to task for one episode not being about hollywood so if sometimes we talk about something this is the first one this is the first

one and i'm terrified and i'm terrified and i feel like this has been a betrayal to my fans and we did talk about going to the movies a lot at the beginning well i had to be i had to be really on my a game in terms of making sure that the opening story was very much about hollywood because they you know everything else that we're doing today couldn't be further away from my passion. I thought the opening story was great.

That's what I'm saying. That's what I already said. No one was saying it was bad. No one thought it was bad. What was that? What was that? Why would you say that? Did you hear something? i'm i'm just

upset with mike he doesn't that's fine i brought him in for a specific purpose and it feels like he's maybe just losing sight of the purpose and i don't know if it's the looney tunes thing or if it's the cat again i don't know if the cat is doing something we're getting we're getting the stuff from from behind their back it makes no sense it's larger than sometimes even the character is the thing that they grab i don't understand how they're doing on your kickstarter sucks we take are you seeing me just like mike i just like are you see like what no don't just like right now are you seeing me yeah is it i have two monitors okay is that bad no it's it's fine it's just like no andy does that actually no i'm not really mad but it's just, it's fine. Are you mad at me? It's just like... No, Andy does that actually. No, I'm not really mad, but...

It's just like... It's so far over to the side. Here, here. I have a... Here we go. How's that? You don't have to. You don't have to.

And now we can see that. No, no, no. You know, I mean... Take down the backdrop. That's bumming me out. I'm not going to take down the backdrop in minute 33 of the podcast i liked it before before i was able to pretend that you were basically in a version of the afterlife that was initially introduced during bill and ted's uh bogus journey yeah where it was

just kind of this infinite black back to hollywood and you played board games with death back to hollywood do you guys like those movies the bill and ted movies i see some i haven't seen an unconventional flag back there i just got a little bit of a glimpse of it of like a flag that like sort of looks like a distortion of the the u.s flag in some way that was like significant to you that's interesting that's interesting yeah i picked it up at the cap. I don't know what... I picked it up while I was at the Capitol. It was laying on the ground. I'm not going to, you know, leave it there. You were there selling snow cones.

No, I was there riding. I was riding. Yeah. That's my bad. I'm going to give it to you. You think that was bad that you did that? Yeah, looking back on it now yeah i don't know what i was doing there okay still and now you're looking closer but like that i was looking at myself that time i thought it would be funny if i looked at the camera at myself

it was doing bits for myself to make myself laugh. It was funny. Kevin, do you want to share some of your research? Sure. Set this aside. I don't want there to be this huge gap between us setting this up and people be like, what? I don't even remember that. Okay.

We pulled a few Kickstarters. So if anyone is not familiar with these, this one is called the Licky Brush, which lets cat owners participate in the intimate licking ritual. And let's say, I mean, like, cite your sources. Like, these guys did press. These guys are, like, doing real press. This is from Business Insider.

These guys did Business Insider. Look, I've got a lot of friends who work for business insider but i don't you know it's not it's not you didn't use those connections i did i'm my own man i can make my own way in this world so it's not important to me to do what is it just anything anything just anything nothing is uh okay kevin take it away uh and it's a list what's the business insider article that these guys that they got to do it's called the worst kickstarter projects of all time according to two podcasters who call out the most egregious they and that's what they call them out they call their ass out we call them out and we call them up we get these guys personal information we call

them in the middle of the night a lot of them we don't even identify ourselves we just uh you know scare them a lot wow and you say and are you saying that they that they're that that they sucks is it about their kick? Is it just you suck? Yeah, it can just be about anything. Well, what's one of those phone calls sound like? I don't want to regret this, but like, so I'm asleep. You know, my Kickstarter sucks. Okay.

Wait, what is it? Wait, what is it? That's a big deal for us. My Kickstarter? Yeah. We can't say it sucks if we don't know what it is. Yeah, we don't know what yeah we don't know it'd be intellectually dishonest um it's a hygiene product it's reusable um uh-huh uh

booger collector and it's looks it's custom made and it looks like your parents so he did disable his own feet okay yeah so basically it's like don't you miss when you were a kid and your mommy and daddy would wipe the boogies away from your nose like why not have that um kind of care all the time and basically you send me a photo of your parents hands i make a mold that looks like your parents hands and you then use that to uh clean up if you have a boogie if you have a cold or if you're um have little uh snooze on your on your noodle all right that's good we got a snooze on your news i'll use your parents hands and yeah yeah yeah i got it um and we can just let's go let's call them up let's call them up mike you ready oh Okay, ring, ring.

Well, first he'll call me. You'll call me first. I'll call you, and then we'll do the three-way call to them. Yep. Ring, ring to Jesse. Hello? Hey, JF, let's call this bastard, huh? Oh, yeah, let's get the guy we prearranged earlier to call the bastard of.

Ring, ring. Let's get him, ass. Yeah, and then Sean, I think you have to. Hello? It's the middle of the night. Hello? Is everything okay? Yeah, uh hey hello hey uh you uh you think you're so cool online and everything but in reality you're not hang up hang up hang up the phone hang up the phone hang up we can't hang up hang up on a three-way you have to hang up you have to hang up the call you have to hang up the

call because we can't because we did the three-way call and he's on android you guys do you want me to just hang up i feel like then you two could keep talking if you want yeah we have some stuff to do for the show after so if you could just just hang up more wait a minute i i recognize your voices now. We're podcasters, but it's kind of like a computer thing. That's how we tell people about the show. It's a little thing that we do.

You probably wouldn't even be interested. I work on computers. One of you is the dude who's always clowning on establishment Dems online. Yeah. Yeah, but I do other stuff too i'm do a lot of no you don't but i guess it's getting pretty late over where you are maybe well now i'm up you know i put on some cocoa or i guess it's or maybe it's not i don't so okay well i think he hung up so yeah he must have hung up i think he did hang up yeah yeah or now he's back i don't know did you did you okay great yeah we do that once a week um yeah wow we do uh uh we do another one on patreon

also yeah so we do two calls a week and that's the entire show two calls a week basically that's our show yeah so so this article is like perfect for you guys like some of these bad kickstarters and do we want to just like go through and like talk about so we did the the so the licky brush and this one was like huge for you guys right yeah it it really drove engagement on our uh yeah it was it was when we discovered the licky brush we said this is uh huge this is gonna be really my wife going back and forth my wife just can't get enough of the image of me hunched over my laptop holding a microphone you guys guys know this. I'm going to shut the dislikes away. That's okay.

I feel like I'm lost where I was now. I feel like I was on the phone. You hadn't really started. It's just been crazy. I remember when the leaky brush came out. You said the engagement was good? High engagement? Yeah, the engagement was really good. When we were tracking some of the

numbers of that, we were like, we've never actually seen anything like this before. Yeah, he called me up and it was 3 o'clock in the morning. Let's just do it. I've never seen numbers like this in my life. Mike, let's just do this.

You show, don't tell. Let's just do the ring You show, don't tell. I am going to do the ring because it's coming from your bedside phone. Okay, go ahead. Yeah, that's not my ringer. That's not my ringer. I don't have a Daffy Duck ringer.

Change that. Daffy Duck doesn't sound like that. Hello? Oh, hey. Yeah, what's up? I'm like a guy. Hey, Mike. It's your friend.

Which one? God damn it. Okay, okay. All right. It's your friend, Jesse. I was just, I was up. I was actually looking into something i was looking into different events i was looking into events that's why i'm up so late and i found i found a

few i found some paper i i found some paperwork that you're going to really and i can have it sent over to you right away and it's basically the report on this is not how the conversation went you called me up and you said i'm scared because i found a i think it's basically the report on this is not how the conversation went you called me up and you said i'm scared because i found a i think it's a bubble on my butthole and i said that's just a hemorrhoid don't worry about it sorry gang do i need to be on here for this oh is that do you have somebody over who is that no i think it's uh i had him the only way i had your number is when you called me last week to do the booger capture. You guys called me up and told me that I suck.

And I actually took that to heart. And we've been doing some redesigns. And the hands are even more lifelike now. Hey, sorry. I didn't know if I was supposed to be talking. I guess you called me a few weeks ago i wrote a children's book that my sick child really loved and decided it might be good to put it on kickstarter and share it with more people you see it would help more people yeah i actually got that really bad it was they they really enjoyed

it the drawings were really cute as well oh that's great that's nice unfortunately i did learn that it sucks did you get the hands i don't know so those yes uh i did get the oh nice oh you're welcome yeah well you guys uh so we can talk about that offline it's it's just like this that i don't know if i need to keep being on these every one of your personal i i think what we can do why don't you guys since you guys are so good at kickstarter why don't you guys put together some kind of app that just remembers all of the phone numbers that you have to dial every now and then at 3 a.m and then you can just push a button and if you guys are so good at it, which I doubt you are, so if you're going to make the world a better place like I do every day with sort of my outreach,

maybe you guys can do something for bettering the world as well. Wait, is one of you the guy that used to comment on a blog and has parlayed that into a wholelayed that into hang up hang up the phone like a whole career you guys hang up the phone hang up the phone you guys have to hang up and we will never call you again thank you um that's kind of what it's like on the show i guess basically we don't actually we don't actually call that was uh we don't actually call anybody we did show up to a couple guys houses but that was in the early that was in the early we don't actually call anybody we did show up to a couple guys houses but that was in the early that was in the early we don't do that anymore that's how we used to do this

stuff we actually used to see people face to face ever heard of a human conversation before yeah and people say oh yeah because of covid and it's like no actually we'd pretty much gotten rid of that way before covid yeah we actually forgot what that was even like before and the little kid now he's like talking to his mom is like mom what's actually having a conversation i've never even heard of this before yeah well you you guys know i have kids i'm a father so oh congrats yeah everyone yeah it's in the yeah the papers a lot yeah uh like a lot of people know that so you know it's been hard it's been hard trying to tell my kids why you can't hug me you can't touch me get away from me and it's like sucks because they're my kids you know that really hurts yeah it stinks man it

freaking stinks you know you know i'm talking about yeah i mean yeah i guess what's in you know and just the whole i don't know just the whole the whole thing's been so thing dude you know i don't know it's the whole thing it's been nuts this i've really shitty year for you guys i've i've barely had time just a crazy i've. I have actually... I've barely had enough time just to sit down and just even just catch my breath. Okay. And what are you catching your breath after having done? Yeah.

Yeah. Well, yeah. Yeah, he's masturbating behind a Kmart. Because you're sitting down. I don't know why you would have to... Okay. No, well, let's just... I feel like we made a couple

attempts to sort of get away from this, but this seems like where we're going to live. Jesse. Yeah. Seems like this is where we're going to live, so... I think there's still time. Let's talk about something else.

Let's talk about... You want to talk about Kickstarters that suck. You hate these Kickstarters. I was going to say something that I don't know. You guys hate these Kickstarters. I don't know if you guys want to do my idea or not. What's your idea? It's so frustrating. What is it?

I was going gonna say we could talk about the store but you don't have to it's not we covered so much of that have you been back not really yeah it's been weird i don't know yeah where do you get a can of beans these days right it to me it's like i think of kickstarters i think wow how cool it's like shark tank like everyone's an entrepreneur now and even if the idea isn't something i connect to it's pretty brave and what you do is a service where i you know when i check in with your show i go oh actually this sucks oh yeah this sucks why'd they even do that that sucks oh no it's the role of a critic though isn't it oh absolutely yes and it's like uh modern day who's that guy who's that guy who's like a fat guy and a skinny guy. Yeah. Modern day, those guys.

Yeah. You know? Yeah, of course. Siskel and Ebert. Siskel and Ebert. Siskel and Ebert. And they both passed away. And I think we are sort of carrying. Also planning on doing that.

We're different. We'll never die. Okay. Yeah. I think they were very successful and I think we will also become successful and then die in a way we won't die right we live on through

our voices with the exception of this episode I think our podcast is going to carry our legacy forward and generations behind us will be able to listen to learn about Hollywood to have a sense of what made us tick and our sense of humor and it's a you know uh it's a letter to our children and

our grandchildren this episode aside i'm actually really proud of that so um you know with you guys you know if your great great grandniece wonders which kickstarter sucked she'll always be able to go back and uh you know whatever however it's i don't know where it's distributed or anything but like she can read about you know what you did probably not too much reading to be done about it but you could i mean the thing is i'm being nice yeah not that nice i'm actually being really nice you could a lot of times you have to think about the people who and this is not for you but people would plunk down their hard earned hard earned cash on some stuff that doesn't actually you know it's actually not that cool it's like so like look at your desk right now

you both are at a desk you guys are at yeah it's like more of almost like a little end table okay and hayes is at his desk so you can just basically imagine the top of a the toilet tank but yeah so imagine if like behind the on the tank but there's like a little um like a small wooden uh platform and you plug it into the power outlet and then you turn it on and for about six hours behind the tank yeah well because my toilet is against the wall but there's a small amount of space there just for the plumbing to and this platform fits in that space it fits on the toilet tank the platform does on top of it sits on top of the toilet where are you gonna put my computers on there yeah that's right yeah so this is you have to make a choice i am trying what you're hearing is me trying to do what you're

asking me to do he's actually being really nice to imagine this like this is like i am we're putting work for free uh to like to really get a handle on this what is this thing where is it going it's a small wooden circle and it's it's made of wood it's a platform but it's a circle it's a circular platform like a circular platform okay well that's not so unusual i'm able to picture something like that i can do three four five six of them in my head right now and i'll just let hayes borrow one mentally okay can i point something out and and i you know i actually kind of i don't hate to cut off this platform thing but i don't think it's going anywhere.

You guys, I like you guys. I think you're funny guys. You're ostensibly podcasters. That's your profession. You seem so uncomfortable doing a podcast right now. And I have to ask, is that part of the idea for you? Or is there something we're not providing did kevin you know drop the ball on this that's something we we pin a lot of our uh our failures on like what like what is it who does the kind of like production stuff right yeah what oh like who uploads the show who does like the show description and and and stuff

like that like who which of you or is there another person who's like doing that 50 50 split pretty much you you switch off who who writes i think we do alternate i think we alternate yeah we we switch off i've done the first 2000 and then mike will do the next 2000 okay and so what what i'm getting from this is that jesse is providing value to the show that we not might be able to see as like an as an audience but the show in a way as an audience, but the show, in a way, doesn't exist without Jesse.

Or at least you're never knowing what it's about. Well, to what end does it exist without Jesse, who actually uploads it and writes the description? He's actually putting it up, and he's really putting himself out there in that description. Some of those descriptions are so clever, the little turns of phrase and i can tell that some care went into it you know look i'll i'll shoot you straight i got my second vaccine

dose yesterday i feel like shit right now but what i do is when i start recording i try to leave that outside you know all that other stuff but it feels to me like i don't know if it's the public masturbation thing or what exactly what happened for you jesse but something got stuck in your craw early on and let's just get it out in the open well if if i can just circle back to the platform it's like this small it's like a circular and it just sits right on the tank okay and you get it and it plugs in behind the toilet and it like and you know like it lights up and then there's like a little cube that it magnetizes and it sit and it comes above the thing and it swirls around for about six hours

and you can connect your phone to it and play your favorite songs on it okay um and that's the type of thing that goes on there and we have this is one of the kickstarters that you're like you're mad at this is like making you mad this one's not real i made it up this is fake or is it so yeah sometimes we uh you know we run out of stuff to get mad at so we have to invent shit to get mad at. It's on the show. It's stuff he's coming up with. I just start screaming when he says it on there.

I can't. Making up fake stuff. Yeah. Yeah, like the wood platform. I mean, that's crazy. That would never exist. There just aren't that many Kickstarters, or at least not that many that are content for a full episode.

Sounds like what the late, not great Rush Limbaugh used to do, right? He runs out of things to rage at and then just starts inventing making up things that the left are up to. Not unlike when Jesse goes after these establishment Dems. Jesse and Rush Limbaugh

can agree on that thing, which is that these freaking establishment Dems. And other things too. Oh, God. Limbaugh can agree on that thing, which is that these freaking establishment thugs. And other things too. Let's see the backdrop. Kick over that backdrop. Just kick it down. I'm not kicking a karate not the backdrop.

You moved it very easily before. It's big. It's a big thing. You can't lift it thing just punch it so it knocks over i don't think i don't think you can lift it just broke my hand doing that i just brought i seriously broke my hand oh okay well guess what i got a kick i got a kickstarter for you here's another one i'll just make this one up who cares yeah hey what if you had what if there was a what if there was like a shit what if there was a guy you know and he was uh yeah yeah what else oh here he comes oh this is this is what it is here this is i got it now here he comes hey you know he's like he's like

whatever you know this isn't it's like starterstarter and he's like oh it's like ten thousand dollars what the fuck you know he's paying that are you serious what is it what i'm not doing that i'm not doing that shit it's a guy who often he's like hey you know what's going on and it's like right you know what are we doing here even with this guy? Yeah. I'll do this my own thing. On to the next one. It has 300 backers. Who are these people backing this? Grape-flavored paper towels.

Graper towels. Why do I need this, right? Why do I want... That's more like a fruit roll-up to me. I don't need to be able to taste... I'm using this to clean, right? Yeah. I'm seeing it. Okay. I am seeing it. That's good. I want to need to be able to taste I'm using this to clean right? I'm seeing it that's good I want to listen to that

my kickstarter sucks now just drag my ass well alright well listen up listen up grape or towels $10,000 grape's not even that good so I would do a different one I like the idea you would would do a different one.

I like the idea. You would just choose a different flavor? I like the idea. I just don't like... Grape is just not... I don't think grape is that good to me. It doesn't taste like real grapes. So that's my note on it. Just don't...

This one would. Do like Wildberry Punch or something like that. What is it called? It's called Grape or Towels. Yes. Wildberry. Wild... Wild Towels. something like that when when it's a call that's called graper towels yes wild berry wild wild towels i don't know what i'm looking at i don't know what i'm seeing wild wild towels sounds good actually are these are these aren't regular towels these are wild towels oh my god whoa these taste amazing yeah all the other towels taste like shit this is delicious kevin i'm really sorry we didn't get to use any of your uh research we

are going to wrap this up pretty soon so we're not going to get to any of that stuff we'll use it for the next episode uh we don't have to i mean like you've billed already so like i think we can just consider kevin of course like contracts with himself on a freelance basis for like yeah any research that he does on the show and so he's like the producer but he like subcontracts as like the guy that uploads the episode kevin does that yeah and our end is like after like after kevin like recoups his production costs and stuff for the show then like our end comes out of the what do you guys do remainder uh i'm here we're doing it right now i'm here i'm the host of the show then like our end comes out of the what do you guys do remainder uh i'm here we're doing it right now i'm here i'm the host of the show i was saying earlier uh i share

my experiences with my fans i like enjoy getting feedback from them i love hearing from like different guests hearing their stories i i guess i i come on here um You saw a little bit of it today. I basically rip my rib cage open and I hand my heart to my audience and I just tell them to please handle with care because I'm trusting them with my most intimate moments and thoughts and the true essence of who I am. So that's kind of what I do on the show. Maybe it's not a big deal to you. I think it's a pretty special. Yeah. Yeah. I'm just, I'm the description guy. So yeah, you know, in all seriousness, Hey, we have a good time on here, but at the end of the day, we're just, um, we're just two, just two guys trying to make good, you know, just two local boys just working their way up in the game.

So we'd really appreciate it if you came by and gave us a shot. And it's been one heck of a time getting to know you all. And we hope that this is... I just realized we have to record your show now. So this is done. Yeah. Okay, bye. Hollywood Handbook.

This week on the Patreon, Carl and Ahsan discuss their favorite cities, the boys catch up with Cody Ziegler, and the flagrant ones are mostly talking all things basketball. Check out these bonus podcasts and videos of the full episodes, including today's with Jesse and Mike, at patreon.com slash theflagorones. Hollywood Handbook.

That was a HeadGum Podcast.