Hollywood Handbook - Jesse Farrar, Our Close Friend

Episode Date: August 5, 2019

JESSE FARRAR asks The Boys for advice on how to get his big break.This episode is sponsored by Mack Weldon (www.mackweldon.com code: THEBOYS), My Sheets Rock (mysheetsrock.com/THEBOYS), Quip (www.getquip.com/theboys), Audible (www.audible.com/theboys or text THEBOYS to 500-500), and Raycon (www.buyraycon.com/theboys).See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

this is a head gum podcast uh it's me and my uh shovel and my other tools and i can hear that I am right under the Kona podcast. I like, you know, I have my, I've like built scaffolding around the, like where I've dug so far. And so I feel like that part is secure and I dig a little

more and I just can hear the muffled chortles. Squeaky, squeaky. He's still doing all the sound. Yeah. He's doing the string dance. Yes, I can hear kind of just like the movements of the string dance above.

And so like, okay, if I'm gonna get up there, I need to have like something really funny to say and do. Yeah, for when you first bust in, when your head first comes up through the floor, you have one second to win them over. Yes.

And that's it. Otherwise they're going to stomp on your head and shoot you back down into the tunnel. So I have like a little blasting cap that I put on the roof of the tunnel i hit the button it blows up uh and i'm sort of hoping to like pop out yeah all at once yeah i end up excuse me i must have had too much beans or something. I end up kind of getting blasted into the ceiling.

And I come down a lot of the, like a panel like does fall down on me. Yeah. I don't want to get asbestos or whatever is like in the ceiling of these places. I don't want to get it in my mouth. So I'm like holding my mouth closed. But I also did hit my head pretty hard so i'm like i like hurting you're like screaming yes your mouth closed and so i end up and also like vomiting out my nose yeah having uh throw up really hard yeah everyone luckily everyone is mostly god Yeah. Everyone, luckily everyone is mostly God.

Sure. There was an explosion. Yes, which I didn't really think of when you were telling the story that at the moment of the explosion, they're probably going to get out of the room. So there is not even going to hear you go, for example, oh, I must have had too much beans. So at that point, you are playing to an empty house um but the mics i guess are still on what are they gonna turn the mics off as they're as they're

running out that's true so there's an element of like you'll be on the show unless they edit that one part out so they'll be able to hear like in the corner like after the explosion someone being like oh it must have been yeah they're like who's that right ideally that's funny that was a fart well yeah it was so loud yeah part of the the ceiling and walls apart you know hey welcome to hollywood handbook an insider's guide to kicking butt and dropping names in the red carpet linebacker hallways of this industry we call show this fanos fanos right yeah his farts are worse than his snaps. So what is this? What are we... What's this whole thing? The show?

Yes. Do we have a guest, sort of a fan contest winner, who on his own dime was willing to fly out from the sticks and now wants to... I don't know what he wants to do, what he thinks he's going to get out from the sticks and now wants to i don't know what he wants to do what he thinks he's going to get out of this but have at it yeah why do we what's what is our job here you're done yeah um so what i wanted to do who are you say who you are oh you don't even you're not even going to do that no okay well hello everyone sorry i'm a bit logy um my name is jesse they don't know what you're normally like well they there's no some of them might have heard i'm a

bit logy they know what logy is yeah but it's more i think it's softer it's logy okay this is Okay. This is... So, I'm here to get my big break. So, I'm here to have it. What is your name? My name is Jesse Farrar. Hello, everyone. Jesse Farrar. You name yourself after a freaking car you had a poster of on the wall? Number one, name myself?

Yes. Absolutely. That part is true. Yeah, that's what happened. I'm a car guy. It's like one of those cars, but not so Italian. What's like a Germanic? Uh-huh.

Yeah. Can we get a reasonable, yeah, just like a nice American name that sounds like this freaking car that looks like a space cruiser. Yeah. Ferrari. Right. Vroom.

My wife is a school teacher and her students, if they hear this, they're going to get a huge kick out of you guys doing the Ferrari bit because they love it also. Yeah. One of those schools where

there's one 17-year-old kid and he has to take a class with like babies and stuff. Yeah. Like this tiny little town. It's effectively Billy Madison. Yeah. It's a Billy Madison setup. Oh, yeah. Jesse, you want your big break.

I think Sean was going to say something. No, no, yeah. Jesse, you want your big break. I think Sean was going to say something. No, no, no. I just wanted to acknowledge that area, the sandbox you were sort of in, was that the jokes we were doing were so immature that school children would like them. And yet, you're on my show. That's not. And your show has the word sucks in the title i just think i just think you know um it's very similar to when you go to the grocery store which

we have where i'm we have grocery we go to the store and they have anything you could want just Salt lick. Yeah. Big shank. Yeah. Have all that. Goose meat. Mm-hmm. That's right. And you say if the cashier is... Dried corn. If the cashier is scanning, we call it maze.

If she's scanning the items and it doesn't beep, what you say to her is, ah, it's now free. So it's sort of you talk about sandbox, you play in and she goes, or he, and they go, ah, you know, that's a good, it's fun for them to hear you say it. And it's very similar to what I'm hearing now.

The Ferrari stuff. I'm the cashier. Yeah, okay. You know what I'm saying?ier. What? Yeah. Okay. You know what I'm saying? What am I trying to buy? Cream. What do you get?

What? What do you get at the store? At the store? This is what I like. I like to know what you get at the store. Oh, okay. This could be fun for us. What's your bill? Hey, here's my trip to the store.

Yeah. Just a big case of the store. Yeah. Just a big case of suds. Yeah. Yeah. For me, it's gonna be all suds all day. Okay. I get myself suds and

peanut brittle. Yes. And I just post up on my porch and watch the sun go up and down you go to the deli counter uh and ask for one jar of suds one jar said and i don't need the whole thing right now you can slice it real thin for me and they're like well we can't slice this yeah we don't have this here and we can't slice it so you're like oh no that means i gotta drink the whole thing yeah you put the big coin down that is just you know what amount of money that is we don't know but it's the coin and that's

the that's the realm you know yeah yeah we have delis too so that's not impressive to me. The farmer and the deli. So, hey, it's like the big game. When you have the big game, what are you grabbing? We can't let you just redirect this into a weird grocery store slash thing. We have to prove that we have a regular grocery store order. And the fact of the matter is, I'm rarely going there. I'm so rarely going there. Because for me, it's all meal delivery system.

Bring me the apron, which is blue, my good man. I must have meal kits so i'm not going to a store the fucking mailman goes to the store for me and then he goes hey i picked out something i think Freaking cheese blurglers. So, you know. Yeah. I didn't want to have to blow you up like this. Right. But basically, if you're going to keep poking, you keep knocking on the devil's door, sooner or later, he just might answer, son. So, I went.

So, before I came here, I went to Las Vegas, Nevada. Okay. I was there. And I was walking around, you know, they have these malls there. Looking for a leaving Las Vegas situation? I haven't seen it. Want to drink yourself to death with a prostitute? I don't, I don't know whether, I haven't seen that.

Probably need to get a decent proposal, which actually Jesse did get earlier today. That's, I think it's different in that movie. And if you're taking a rub on it, you might end up in sort of a leaving Las Vegas situation. I get it. It's lost on me. I haven't seen it. Why is it?

Do you think sex workers aren't people? I just don't know the movie. Because to me, it's good, honest work. I just, I'm more of like a transformers guy so if you have like a if there's a reference to transformers you could do okay that would explain to me earlier today someone offered jesse to transform his erect penis into a freaking meal somebody offered I guess this is what he meant when he talked about getting his big break

in LA someone offered to suck Jesse's dick on the street earlier today and he came in here kind of with that he's like a little bit lo So that's what you're, when he's like a little bit logy, that's what you're hearing is like that energy.

That really did happen to you. It makes you kind of sleepy afterwards, yeah. You know, she just needed help home, and so I'm trying to do, this is my thing. I do good deeds. And you went and pointed downstairs and said, this is where you live now. So I was in Vegas, and they have these malls, and you can walk around in the malls, and they have these great stores and stuff.

And you can't afford anything in the stores, of course. Yeah, it's all friggin' affliction t-shirts. And a lady says, would you like to make some money? And a lady says, would you like to make some money? And then when I hear this, I'm doing the Hanna-Barbera of my feet are running and I'm staying in place, but my feet are going very, very fast trying to take me in that direction. Yeah. A new tier? You're suggesting a new tier?

So I get over there. And what they do is you say, what kind of stuff do you get at the store? so you tell them what kind of brands of things you get at the store and we're talking store we're talking frozen goods we're talking frozen items yeah so we're talking and can we say on is it okay to say some of those stuff on here you can get at the store we just did for like that was like the other the only other thing he's always done. This show's barely started. We're only talking about what's at the store. So they say, can we say, who are you stalling for? Is somebody going to come in here?

Are you buying time for like a buddy of yours to come stick us up? He's late. It feels like if that's what it is, it feels like he has quit on the plan. Yeah. I think he got cold feet, man. You're going to have to just do the podcast straight up. He can't. If I had to guess what he was doing right now,

it would probably be being let off at the building next to this building. Please don't say what it is. And walking back and forth in front of it. Okay. And then trying to get a hold of Nick Weiger and saying, can you please help me find the place that I'm supposed to go? If I had to guess what he was doing for maybe like 25 full minutes probably. Wow.

The only name drop available to him. That sucks, man. That fucking sucks. So you say what kind of, say do you like jimmy dean is one is one they said and what would you guys say james d that's what i would say yeah i'd go on the cover of a magazine jimmy dean i just said yes i do i. I like Jimmy Dean sausages. And then they would say... It's an anti-gay sausage brand. It was something else.

It was a different one. It was something else? It might have been someone else. And they would go on and they say... Do you like Chick-fil-A? So then you say all the ones that you say you say whichever the good ones are you say yes to them okay wait what are some of the other ones that you like oh we're doing this this is all we're allowed to do no this is the whole show then let's make

it the show do the fucking show man what's the names of the stuff at the market yeah they say do you like smuckers uh-huh hey with a name like smuckers it's got to be good yeah and when i took my commercial acting class that was the sample copy they gave you for your practice audition yeah yeah so they were still doing that. Crushed it. Okay. Destroyed it. Ended up booking four commercials at least. Let me sort of circle back to an earlier topic. What is this? What are you doing here?

What am I doing here? Yeah. What do you want? You're texting anything. I don't know. I was looking up to see if Jimmy Dean was actually a homophobic sausage brand and i didn't find anything so you got away with this one but i will get you yeah i just i wanted to see the the whole the setup it's a great okay it's a great setup um what do you guys have it's very similar yeah we i think have more people working on it actually i think we have more people putting it together uh-huh so i guess that can kind of

explain explain but you know why you don't know what the fuck you're doing because it's usually other people carrying hands off yeah okay so you so there's other people working there's usually other people carrying the load. Hands off, yeah. Okay, so there's other people working. There's other people in the room, but they're not allowed to get on mic. To make it good. You and the dog boner has a name. So what I always assumed

with your guys' show is, well, there must be nobody else. Certainly in the room. Maybe in their lives yes that they've ever met before yeah because otherwise that person would surely be doing this instead yeah no i assumed this was the entirety of your social interaction and connection to the outside world oh that would be really sad if that were the case but there's other people in the room. So my hope now is that the mic has just been facing the wrong direction this whole time. Yeah, and you expected something else than what you're getting

from the product. Or, I mean, there's other people there. Let's at least give them a try. This is good feedback, and I'll take it back to the team. Wow. Who are these other people? Who are they? Yes.

I think of them as... This is a buying time thing. Who are they? He's doing a thing where... This is Jesse's hand motion when he's buying time. He's like a DJ, like, scritching on the table. I think he's sliding money across literally to buy the time. Is this enough for some extra time?

I wish Carl was here. Yeah, me too. That'd be an episode. Are you kidding? It'd be so much better. So you say what kind of brands of stuff you like and they uh they put glasses on you they put these eye tracking glasses on you and then they put a pouch just re or just reckoning with the fact that i'm still hearing about this but the one second

on your shoulder and then they put the they slide, they calibrate the phone to your vision. And they put it, they put it in the pouch. And then you go and you look at these big, the wall size posters. And you shop. And they track what your shop, what catches your eye. In this case, literally. And then they, I guess, and they gave me $20. So I want to tell you something about Engineer Jordan,

the person who right now looks like she wants to drink bleach. You're probably thinking like, oh, she's like an engineer. She doesn't really pay attention to the show anymore. No, she's the most engaged fan we've ever had. And a very generous laugher. Cracking up most of the time. Yes. And her brother's here on the other side of the partition

so she's having like a great day. Yeah. So all the conditions are in place. Surrounded by family, loved ones, and doing her favorite show. Just somebody who wants to laugh, looking for any excuse really. Laughs at a bunch of Kevin's stuff. He didn't

get to them. Good good let's talk about Kevin so Jesse when I suggested getting you on the show Kevin said Kevin do you want to tell us what you said hey guys chef Kevin here uh hi Jesse hey Kevin um sure so Sean said you know should we have justy on the show i think i said something along the lines well neither hayes and i responded that day and then the next day i i sent a different question but then you know obviously i responded to sean and i said like i would like to i'm not super familiar with him but if you guys want to have him on, like, definitely. And is that common for you to say, like, how familiar you are with the guest? Is that something you're called on to do normally?

It doesn't usually come up. Yeah, it doesn't. It's usually like a, yeah. It's just tacit that he knows who they are. But let's make this happen, Jesse. Let's make the big pitch here. Yeah. You can sell yourself to Kevin. Because I got angry with Kevin.

Because obviously he had done some sort of advertisement on your show. And I was like, so you didn't know what you were even selling us to? And he explained a lot. But I was like, why did you initially engage with like as yeah

if you didn't even know who the fuck jesse is when he's basically one of the main couple people which let's let's say like you should probably have said the name of your show by now the show is called your kickstarter sucks uh it's like targeted i guess people that are trying to raise money for their medical conditions and you guys just like crank on these uh on uh these like various fools that are yeah because they're already down so yes we say why why not kick them? It's very rare that they're going to come beat you up or something because a lot of them are so sick and in the hospital. And I would say in most cases, this would be punching down. But this show is somehow an exception.

Yeah. I mean, it's not just that. There's tech gizmos there's you know restaurant concepts there's there's bad books

you know there's there's all kinds it's not just people who are down to their last nickel what's a bad book ah

yeah ow um it's it's your whole show we've done a lot of them. What's a bad book? We recently did episode 101.

So I'm like going back through. That's a lot of episodes. Okay, what's one? One of the bad books. I think we did one. Okay, what is that one? I think we did one that was like Trump. It was like Donald Trump.

The book was Donald Trump. I think it was like, yeah, it was a book about, I think there was a book, it was about Trump, and it's not coming to me. Is there something about Trump in the book? The book was about Donald Trump. The book was about Trump. and it's not coming to me. Is there something about Trump in the book? The book was about Donald Trump. The book was about Trump. Yes.

The Kickstarter sucked. It was a book about Donald Trump. Yes. Yeah. And we took it apart. Wait, let me sort of guess something from just your behavior. Yeah. Was this book like kind of an anti-Donald Trump book that people were trying to raise money for?

Reach back in your memory. Kind of in my mind palace. Yeah. There was both. There's been both kinds, actually, now that you mentioned it. Okay, so you don't take sides on this kind of thing. I just think, I don't like books. There's good books on both sides.

Yeah. But they're like kids' books and stuff, too, so that's sort of the main thing. You're the head of the DSA or something? I'm not involved with the organization at this time. What happened? They found out I wasn't a police officer. So they kicked me out. Very inside baseball.

So what are we going to do? Yeah, what's going on? You got IMDB? A packet? You've got a packet for us? No. You want to pitch us sketch ideas? Is that what...

I went to UCB last night. Have you heard of this? What did you see? Wait, no. Do your material. I don't have it. Go ahead. I was just going to say, have you seen this?

Have you seen this? Have you heard of this? Yeah. It's UCB. Yeah. Hit me with it. So I paid to go in. And I saw Paul F. Tompkins.

That's name drop number two. I saw him. He paid to go in. And then they turn around and give it to the performers. And then they do that thing where they be like too slow. They sweep the cash out through their hair like a comb. It's kind of inside baseball

don't you think? Wow. And you just heard the words inside baseball from Hayes a couple minutes ago and then he's like I'm going to use that. Couldn't wait for something actually even close to inside baseball to happen to use it. Couldn't wait for something actually even close to Inside Baseball to happen to use it.

It was wild. So, you know Garth Brooks? Yeah. You like country music? I don't like it. I don't actually like country music. You don't? You don't like the song Five More Minutes? I don't know what that is. Jordan! pull up the country song Five More Minutes.

You don't like Old Town Road? I like Old Town Road. Okay, so you think Old Town Road is not country music? Oh, you think it's not country? Shouldn't be allowed on the charts? I don't think there shouldn't be any charts. I think I dispensed it. Okay, you think there shouldn't be any charts in Who's Chart?

Okay, now we've used it. So it takes a lot to get Jordan to this place. Oh, I do not envy you. And you think that Who Charted should not even be a show anymore. Wow. No, I like it. I actually think country music is like a meaningful cultural product of the united states i think uh a lot of the music is actually really good for me to poop on

do you literally buy the album and poop on it uh whoa okay i hadn't played it out this far and i really hate what this has done to my relationship with jordan and jesse's got her so riled up that we're basically never gonna be able to have a normal show again no so what are we what are we um okay put the sticky notes on for instance the uh pizza rolls and what is this what are we talking about we're back at vegas in the uh virtual grocery store it's just posters it's actually like um it's like a media it's like an office room um and they just have these posters on the wall and you go and you put the little sticky notes in fact I used buying this and yeah in fact I used this later I I used the same freezer for this one I used the same sticky notes my wife had just used so well didn't even that's a lot double dub on the sticky notes so this is this was kind of your vacation with your wife it is

um that you were like lab rats jesse what's the plan we is this like a one-way ticket are you like you are just hoping to make it happen here i'm here for as long as it takes so okay um i would love to be able to do like a Chappelle thing where I can like live in both places and just kind of spend weekends wherever is the most fruitful for me or just like productive. Yes. Right, right. Like a Chappelle thing. The famous guy who lives at two different places. I think he lives in Ohio.

Okay. So many people live at two different places yeah why is that like the chapelle thing you just see yourself that's the closest comp for you like that people been a lot of times when you're cracking them up around the fire at home a dog boner will go like dude you're like the next chapelle Packing them up around the fire at home. Dog boner will go like, dude, you're like the next Chappelle. Say his name is Mike. His name is Mike.

He's my friend, Mike Hale. Mike Hale. Mike Hale. And he couldn't be here. Okay. Yeah, we decided that. okay yeah we decided that what are uh you don't have a sketch packet uh you don't you have segment ideas yeah desk piece ideas for us what segments do you guys do i did the show there was never i we didn't talk about one kickstarter i

couldn't tell or doing anything the show had started or ended yeah there was no kickstarter at all my phone's still buggy from like the software i had to install to do it i sometimes see you on there still do you ever pop on to the because it has like a little green light it never turns off i don't know how to get in and out. Gary's on the podcast forever. I think you're just spying on me. He'll phase in, yeah. Oh.

I mean, that's sort of our – we sort of also have a pro version. So that was sort of our – so it's looser. Oh, okay. That's what we decided to do with it. It's just kind of – you have the regular show, which is very rigid. The form is what it is. And that's just the two of you. And then people are paying to have guests on the show.

It's sort of an inverse of our version, where people are paying basically to not have you on the show. We have this one, which is free. And then people are like, oh oh i'm interested in a version of this without jesse without the guy talking about the posters of food but so they're considering a redesign for the is everyone who stops with like a clipboard or any like you're just engaging with all these people every single one yeah that's nuts man yeah god the way i envy that such a simple life but my thought is while i'm here maybe that's somebody's you know what is it like scout like

agent or something maybe that's an agent You think that's an agent scout. Yeah. Yes. So, haven't been yet. And that the grocery store glasses experiment could, in fact, be your big break. Well, so what she did not say grocery store to me. She said, do you want to make $20? And I thought, oh, I'm going to be on a podcast.

That's what I thought. Well, no, no, no, no. Very ambitious. That's the opposite. I remember I was on your premium podcast. It cost me. I had to buy all these apps apps and stuff hollywood handbook okay now so i've moved on from what we're gonna do uh be a better you in 2024 with babble the

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for real conversations and that includes body-based conversations. What does it mean when you drop someone off after a nice date and they turn around at the door and they take their little index finger and they kind of like draw it towards them?

They're pulling it what does that mean does their whole finger hurt i wonder if they spotted a spider web or something they're trying to pull down the spider down yeah but i've seen this too after a lot of dates and i need i need and have needed something like babble to figure out what the heck is this person doing with their finger because it looks like a it looks like an emergency i know i'm supposed to do something or how about those people that stand in the street they're kind of like they've got like almost like police clothes on it may be almost. And they're standing in the middle. And as I'm driving and I'm cruising, they're holding their hand up for like a high five almost. And they're really aggressively pushing it out. I'm like, am I supposed to pull over,

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All you have to do is take a picture of your bill, and Rocket Money takes care of the rest. They have over 5 million users and have helped save its members an average of $720 a year with over $500 million in canceled subscriptions. And that was, I i mean just to be fully transparent that 500 million was most of that was the the dresses well yeah i mean you're talking about hollywood memorabilia you're talking about like ornate gowns you know in some cases and so that was uh yeah that was costing me a lot a lot a lot stop wasting money on things

you don't use cancel your unwanted subscriptions by going to rocketmoney.com slash the boys that's rocketmoney.com slash the boys rocketmoney.com slash the boys uh like for you and your career to what we're gonna do like about this episode at like yeah about the show we are here we would like to find a way to release it. Is there something, is there, I have a pitch line items. Oh,

go ahead. Do we try Jordan's brother? That's interesting. Do we bring him in and just like, see, maybe they'll play off each other. Maybe. Do we want to bring him in,

see how they interact and maybe let them discuss the email we got from Paul Scheer? Yeah. Yes, we'll see if it comes to that. That is the ripcord we can pull. Yes, but I want to see them have a conversation. Just like, let's see if that, like something sparks. We met earlier. Okay.

That seemed fine. That is great. Okay. Do seemed fine. That is great. Okay. Do you want him to come in the studio? Yes. Yeah, let's get him in here. Austin, come in the studio. He's very mad now.

That's nice. Welcome to the show. His name is a southern town. You're friends with Garth Brooks. We have so much in common. Hi, Austin. Mm-hmm. We have so much in common. Hi, Austin. Hello. Okay.

Wow. That's way too good. So you get up to the mic and try not to blow it out. Hello. Hello. So this is Jordan's brother, Austin. Austin, this is Jesse. Hey.

How you doing, Jesse? Hey, man. Saw you earlier in the lobby, I Jesse. Hey man. Uh, saw you earlier in the, um, a lobby, I guess. Come on. This first impression.

Yeah. Don't make eye contact with me. I just walk. I just, you want us to confirm that that is a lobby. It's not. Okay. Well,

we were sitting, I sit in there. you came in a little after me I think yeah so what else is going on there's no initial thing there's no what else else is in addition to

there's what is going on just in the first place you've seen each other it's good to catch up i mean it has been a long time yeah so do you um do you like uncrustables or do you the way you phrase that just the intonation implies that like someone brought up uncrossed balls before this did that happen i zoned out for no pizza rolls were brought up and i guess those might be near the uncrossed balls yeah i i would say jesse a lot of what we're finding is and this is a compliment to you in

a way there's a very rich internal world you're experiencing that we're not necessarily party to. And so you're often attempting to continue a conversation with a stranger that has been taking place entirely inside your own mind. Just trying to keep the ball in the air, you know, so. Again, I don't know what the fuck you mean, but, but maybe for this with Austin anyway, since he is something of a clean slate for you, let's just start from scratch and be on our best behavior. Austin,

do you need anything to drink? I, I could use some water, maybe. All right. Sean? Wait, you asked him for the drink, but you're not going to get it for him. Well, I want to keep going over here. I feel like we're cooking. You've got some momentum now.

I agree. I agree. This is the closest I've felt. You know what? I'm going to bite my tongue. This is the closest i felt you know what i'm gonna bite my tongue this is the best thing to happen on this show so far he's he's visiting time you're both we're both visiting yeah yeah now where are you from uh actually i just moved out here from louisville kentucky don't look at me jesse i have nothing for you louisville kentucky is like basically where you

live you haven't that i have to help you with that you've never been like i've never been there wait i can help you okay you said you wanted to be chapelle is that the wrong name it's like the name yeah he has a place in ohio she's young i didn't formulate it quite like that uh he has a place in Ohio. I don't know if she's young. I didn't formulate it quite like that. He has a place in Ohio. Yeah. Ohio is right next to Kentucky. It's right there. Yeah. So that would have been a perfect time.

We can't do it now. But to be like, oh, Dave Chappelle, I guess, lives there. And this is important to me for some reason. And I want to do that. But we can't. Now that has been done. Louisville. Muhammad Ali is from there. You believe he should have been forced to join the army.

It should have been set on the front lines. You're like very public about this. You only will call him Cassius Clay. Is that right? So do you like so Jimmy Dean Smuckers okay you know what

that's my fault Smuckers I think is the brand behind Uncrustables yeah because they put the jelly in there and I guess they have

their own peanut butter I don't know they have jelly it's jelly but there's also peanut butter there's hazelnut filling as well which is you know it's jelly but there's also peanut butter there's hazelnut filling as well which is you know it's like Nutella

which is the brand I think the big goal of coming to LA is to convince everyone here that there is a store in Jesse's town he did hit that within the first minute without anyone asking, saying, we do have a store.

And it seems like he was anticipating or possibly hoping that that would be like a longer confrontation that we would like hit back about the store thing. He's done all this research in order to prove that there's a store. And it's sort of like, so the store is like home base. Yes. And Jesse's kind of got his foot still touching base, even when he ventures out to have a conversation with Austin,

where he's keeping eye contact with us the whole time. Or when he wants to tell a story about someone trying to, you know, slobber on his wang. All these things never really get far enough away from the store concept that he can't immediately jump back and go, I'm on base, I'm on base, I'm on base, you can't tag me. Yeah. John Wick.

How? It's a very similar, the Continental Hotel. I just saw it. I just saw John Wick. The first one? I just saw, well, I just saw three. Okay. I saw three.

Did you guys see John Wick 3? No. Yeah. Okay. Awesome. The deep breath. It doesn't sound like what you're saying awesome what do you think about it you know i kind of like smuckers a little bit yeah it depends um now this is good depends so he has situations where he likes he likes smuckers and other others where he does not. And I noticed the light has been shut off at the other room.

Everyone went home and they are putting their shit in boxes. We might want to turn it on just for this, Jesse. And if you could watch, we are actually going like a real a point that's about to be made go ahead Austin yeah I mean well there's other brands so it's like every now and then you like to switch it up but Smuckers has never been like my number one I don't know if it's like you have a brand deal or something because you really like to bring it up but I mean you know every now and then you gotta go like Welch Welch's does their own like jelly. That's dog shit. I can understand why you're pissed.

This guy is really good. He's just like good at talking. The way he talks is like engaging. It's just natural. He's being himself and everyone can feel it. He's just saying what his actual experiences are. He's got no agenda. He's responding to what's being asked.

Which is huge for this show. And he's like don't take this the wrong way. No. He's not like desperate. So The Continental Hotel is the uh the continental hotel is i mean it really it really is home base okay that's why that's what it is which ones have you seen the third one

well there's a moment i'm guessing that in the third one it becomes like the bad guys are taking it all the end of the second one the continental becomes no longer somewhere that he can consider home base that's true but you just saw the third one which starts there

and also in the first one there's a fight at the hotel which is supposed to be safe and there's a huge fight there so in none of the movies is it what you're describing and even if it were to go from the idea of something being

home base to say John Wick John Wick right? hoping we'll be like yes John Wick at the Continental Hotel that's his home base and this is again we're encountering the same thing where there's a lot of pieces to fill in. Do you know that I can't see your thoughts?

And that I actually need help surrounding some of the simple statements you make. It makes me wonder what happened in this earlier conversation that culminated in this woman offering to suck your dick. I think she may have been thinking that was the only thing that could help you. I can feel myself wanting to try all kinds of stuff. I'm cycling through ideas of ways that I could maybe set you right. Yeah. And I haven't arrived at sucking you off yet, but it can't be far away. I didn't write the movies, but I would love to take a pass.

And maybe that's, could we get there somehow? You love to take a pass. And maybe that's... Could we get there somehow? You want to take a pass on John Wick 3? Yeah. Feel free. What would you do? I mean, set me up. Give me one of those.

That is a setup, Jesse. What would you do with the movie John Wick 3? Set you up. What's your idea? I have an idea. Good. So in the first movie, famously there's a dog situation. Oh, my God.

Okay. This is where you want to start? Even the movie ditched out on this part. So John Wick 1, zero dogs. Okay. So there's... This is where you want to start? Even the movie ditched out on this part. So John Wick 1, zero dogs. Okay. John Wick 2, one dog. Actually, I think in John Wick 1, there are two dogs. There's one at the beginning and there's one at the end.

But if you had... The tone is of zero dogs. In John Wick 3, he still just got the one dog. Okay. Why not? Why doesn't he have two? Why doesn't he have two? Still the word dogs.

Two. Wasn't sure if it wanted to sneak out there, was it? I'm logy still. Very logy still very logy austin like let's see if we can sort of like reverse the agency here and you become kind of like the host carrot in this dynamic and like see what you if you can like you can draw him out and then because this is like his big break so we really need to make this okay so we want to change the topic or do you want jesse what do you think you want to stick with it like what do you want to do don't ask him because you have to really take the wheel i would say and you do have to speak into the mic you're great sorry yeah gotcha it's perfect it's so natural that it doesn't

feel like you're even on a show but we do need the mic to pick you up yeah perfect uh so we'll stay on topic with you know, Keanu Reeves. I'm a little into the gaming scene. I don't know if you've heard about E3 going on at the moment. I'm actually a famous video game streamer. There you go. Yeah, I think I've heard of it. Yeah, so I mean, you've got a little bit of an idea going on.

And, you know, you know about Cyberpunk 2077 is going to be coming out. Pleased to meet you. I'm famous. Well. Jesse, do you know about that? About Keanu Reeves being in the game. Exactly. Yeah.

How do you feel about that? It's like mocap. You know, it's sick. Yes. That's what it is. Yeah. Exactly, yeah. How do you feel about that? It's like mo-cap. It's sick. Yes. That's what it is, yeah. It's insane. How are we feeling about the game coming out, though? I mean, he's going to be in it.

It's going to be a big game. Yeah, it is. CD Projekt Red's working on it. Yeah, you know, I'm going to try and play it for sure. Wow. Good job. This is... That was so nice yes it's a really nice cover all of it just two guys just being guys you know shit man that rules austin is really this was the ripcord. This guy is so cool. That's what we found out.

Jesse, I guess I am going to send you back to your friend, the dog boater. He's got to be worried sick. What can we give Jesse to take with him back from L.A., back to this, from this experience? Right. A packet would be great. You want a sketch packet. You want a packet.

You got to have one to. I can give you, I have a Fallon submission that I did probably around like 2010. Okay. I can give you those ideas. Yeah. And you take that does it become part of your kickstarter sucks yeah does it launch you into whatever you know tennessee's version of fallon is it's huckabee it's mike huckabee yeah So. So I can give you every sketch that I wrote for Nick Swartzen's pretend time that got on the air. No, thanks.

Great. A show that actually happened and was successful, but is forgotten now that you could do it again. I can give you Pobzilla stuff. Yeah. I can give you Pobzilla stuff. Yeah. The Pobzilla stuff, i give you popzilla stuff yeah he yeah the popzilla stuff that's it is public domain now okay austin you're a little younger than i am uh did you enjoy popzilla on mtv i loved it yeah it was great this fucking guy he rolls

is on it and again any material you don't want, Jesse, I'll take it. Awesome, I'll take it. Okay. How about this? You can have blind boss. The boss of the company is blind, but he doesn't want anyone to know or acknowledge that he's blind. And he thinks he's getting away with it.

And that's Nick Swartzen. This feels like punching down to me.'s the boss what's kind of inside baseball sound waves bouncing around in his skull cavity uh and the the employees boss is nick swartz and the employees are played by Kyle Mooney, who's now on SNL, and Owen Benjamin, who's basically doing what Jesse is doing, but more successfully. And they are trying not to, like, the bosses can't see, they're trying to like not acknowledge that he's blind that is the sketch that's funny yeah oh shit are you looking up some of your pobs ella stuff well i i know i've got uh here's late night with jimmy fallon some of the ideas this i think i wrote in 2010. Okay.

I was submitting to be part of this show. So they wanted like 15 or something like desk ideas. So here's one. If you remember, they used to do like real housewives of 6B and stuff. And they did like a version of Lost that took place entirely in like 30 Rock, like Jimmy would do these shows. So I have Jimified. In this parody of the FX show Justified, U.S. Marshal Jimmy Fallon has been assigned to Studio 6B.

It's the one place he didn't want to go. Too much history. He roams the halls in a cowboy hat, coolly greeting old friends and almost immediately finding an excuse to draw on them and shoot them. After every shooting, we cut to Jimmy in the office of Chief Deputy A.D. Miles, who tells him to stop shooting everyone. Jimmy coolly explains he's pretty sure the shooting was justified and against his better judgment, A.D. puts him back on the street, parentheses, hallway. So that's one of them.

I mean, do you need to hear more? Yeah. Okay, name that bear. This is a game show where audience members are shown a photo of a live bear in the wild and given a list of possible names to choose from. Cappy, Sergeant Honeypaws, Nick Prescott, the North American Grizzly, or the Decemberists. The contestants guess until the winner chooses the correct name. At that point, Jimmy explains why the answer was so clear to begin with. Masturbating Bear was one. Masturbating Bear.

Hold on. These are, you know, similar to the battle of the instant bands but requiring less talent we put three pairs of audience members backstage and challenge them to come up with an awesome secret handshake featuring 10 unique steps each pair presents their handshake and it via audience applause. Audience salesman. This character interrupts Jimmy's monologue to mention a ridiculous product he's trying to sell. This is your Kickstarter sucks.

I like, this one's good. Man, this section of the audience sure is hot. I'd better put my freeze pod on. He puts on a hat that looks like an igloo. Now I'm comfortable. The item really works. Jimmy grills him on the legitimacy of his product and the salesman eventually admits it's a scam and leaves, but not before swearing revenge on the show. So that could be good. These are all ideas that you could use. And this to me is sort of does feel like what the show is. And I really tried very hard to work there.

And Studio 6B is where it is filmed. I believe so. OK. That helps. You want more? I mean, there's more in here. I guess I knew one of these days it would get to a point where we would have to just read all, talk about all our worst old stuff.

Didn't I send you PubZilla ideas once? Me? Yeah. Yeah. You worked on that too, right? I submitted ideas for the first one and then they bought two and I went out on top and didn't submit anymore. Yeah, that was on top.

I worked there. Yeah. But you really tried hard at stuff. That's true. Where is it? I got a whole thing of those. So how do you get an agent? You do this, man.

You write Bobzilla ideas up until somebody bites. Okay. And so this is Jesse basically coming on here to scab just to announce that he is ready to scab are they is popzilla on strike no there's a thing with our agents right now where you're not allowed to have one okay and just by saying that just by saying agent that's just by no just by saying how do i get an agent yeah at the right time No, just by saying, how do I get an agent? Yeah, at the right time.

That's a scab. Maybe that's a sketch. No, it's not a sketch. Okay, let's see. Ring, ring. No. I'm not answering the phone. Let's see.

Dr. Phil gets angry. Hello. Okay, i answered the question jimmy kennedy is telling me uh hi you just said hi okay um uh is this okay is this the is this the best is this the best agency in town? Okay. Is this the number one? Oh, the bit started? Is that what's going on? Thank you, Austin.

So I'm the agency. That's the, okay. You tell me. Is this the best agency in town? Yeah. That's so good. Can you tell me when you're going're gonna get this when this whole thing's gonna blow over uh no i mean i don't know i answer the phone like are you hiring you want you want to just like answer the phones is that okay will someone get mad if i do that

no i mean i guess ring ring so i'm already on the phone it's call waiting okay so here's some of the popzilla ideas here's one tom york hates fun so refresh your memory, Popzilla was an animated sketch show. The sketches were supposed to be about 30 seconds to one minute long. And it featured like flash animation, South Park style of different celebrities. They always wanted more Britney Spears and Jonas Brothers ideas. Here's one. Tom York hates fun.

Tom York sneaks around a playground like the Grinch. He cuts swings off the swing set, knocks over the seesaw and puts tacks on the slide. That'll stop their fun, he says, because I'm Tom York and I hate fun. Is he like Garth Brooks? For you guys? Okay.

What's this one? Damn. Rick Ross's managers try to change his name. RZA loves rings. A man is down on his knees proposing to a woman. She jumps up and pulls her wig off. It's the RZA. I tricked you.

It's me, the RZA. I wanted more rings. I love wearing rings. What? Fallout 3 with shelter. This will appeal to you gamer guys. Yeah. Guitar Hero comes with a guitar.

Tony Hawk game comes with a board. Now Fallout Shelter comes with a real shelter that you get sealed up in until you've beaten the game if you don't win you never see your family again the game is not called Fallout Shelter but is that do you say now Fallout Shelter it's Fallout 3 with shelter okay you said now Fallout Shelter comes with a real shelter oh okay now Fallout comes with a real shelter yeah uh what else robert downey jr does a snuff film oh pete weds wants to extend the fallout by tour a lot of fallout stuff okay jesse more has bad allergies.

These are good. Jesse, closing remarks. So we're almost done. We are done. I know. That's what I said. We're almost done with the show. Thanks so much for listening to Hollywood Handbook and Insiders.

But this for you. Get some people pulling over to your Kickstarter sucks. I don't know. You guys remember Chris Daughtry? Come on, Jesse. You remember Chris Daughtry? I found a whole document just of ideas about Daughtry. Jesse, we got, like, if he gets a really good one off, we're going to, like, end the show.

So you have to like come on we can circle back to smuckers if you want to no we can't do that austin i'm sorry we can't i know you're trying to be nice we can't circle back to the smuckers thing okay people like you know you this is like a exposure to like new fans yeah come on jesse uh well thanks everyone for listening to hollywood handbook here's like an america's got talent thing where david hasselhoff and jack osborne were the judges i guess at the time and they keep accusing all the contestants of being show-offs it's funny here's one where arnold schwarzenegger is wearing a wire the f FBA agents put it on him. And then the sketches, he keeps going, speak up. They need to hear you guys through the microphone on my chest.

Here's one. Bret Michaels got a new VH1 show. It's not really anything there. I mean, what do you want to hear, Jesse? What do you have coming up on your Kickstarter socks? Well, yeah. We'll do some Kickstarters on there. We're going to take them, and we'll look at them.

Sorry, I have a bit of logy. And we will just say, what's good and what's not good about it? What do we like and not like? I feel like whatever is happening to you, we have to get you off the grounds. It's just like this. Legally.

You know what I mean, John? It's just like this. It's an issue for Earwolf if this plays out on the premises. I'm just going back through my career now. And then the dog boners being like, well, this happened. You guys, Jesse just sent me back through like. It's gotten bad.

Yes. It's gotten pretty bad in here where I'm going like, wow, this is a lot of like what. Like this was like a lot of what I was doing. And I don't think I really moved on. But I will say, imagine how much worse it would be without Austin here. That, okay. That's a little bit of comfort for me. Now, Austin, what do you have coming up that maybe could inspire

Jesse to kind of get his shit together yeah I mean I actually did do a podcast for a little bit myself hope I can revive that it is a gaming themed Jesse so you might enjoy it it was called level up lore

we might bring it back up it was all about exploring coming up with our own scripted episodes I worked on it too Jordan did help for a while it was really fun so I mean maybe that'll come back kind of playing that by ear still but

yeah something to look forward to yeah for sure yeah me too what do you mean me too? what does me too mean in this context do you want to be part of level up lore yeah

okay do you need anything from me I'm gonna ride home bye