Hollywood Handbook - Jessica St. Clair and Lennon Parham, Our Close Friends

Episode Date: June 16, 2014

Sean and Hayes start off the show with "Rumer Millis", where they break the news of a new Star Wars movie and explore some insider info about plot predictions and characters. Then, the very funny JESSICA ST. CLAIR and LENNON PARHAM from "Playing House" come by to talk about the Maleficent premiere and chicken fingering/pigeon holing at Chik-fil-A headquarters, and then the guys mediate the official dissolution of their partnership. Finally, the Popcorn Gallery is back to ask about playing "House", getting peed on by Bruce Springsteen, and Tom Lennon's biopic. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. I was playing a friendly game of peekaboo with my date. And then she scurried back to the kitchen to get me some more guac. Yeah, she's always hanging out at parties and stuff, and she's waiting for someone to say peekaboo. Well, anyway. And then it's like, oh, surprise, I'm right here. Yeah, it's just not. She's desperate. It's not cool.

You know, it's not cool you know like it's not cool okay being cool it's like yeah about not trying so hard it's you just let it happen guys like you and me you know like yeah we're cool we are cool because like stuff can just happen to us and we just won't be like too happy or too sad. Exactly. Exactly, Hayes. Because we just sort of let it roll off our back like duck water. What it really is about

is just like the idea of whatever. Just saying whatever. It's the United States of whatever. Hey! Welcome to Hollywood Handbook, an insider's guide to kicking butt and dropping names in the red carpet lineback hallways of this industry we call showbiz. What up, what up? This week in Hollywood, Jump Street, Dragon 2, and there must have been other stuff.

I don't know. We have to go over the news. Well, we do want to get into the news and dig a little bit into the rumor mill. And because we are right here on the Hollywood street, and some people don't know, but we record from we're on Hollywood Boulevard and we're actually inside the street itself.

Under Jane Lynch's star. And so we are able to get access to some information that you might not know about. If you're under, say, Cheryl Hines' star or like some off. Burt Reynolds. Burt Reynolds or like an off-brand star like that. Rin Tin Tin. It's prime real estate on Hollywood Boulevard where you hear things where people will show up to talk, like influential people, and they'll come to talk to us.

And they will let us know some juicy tidbits of what's going on with projects that are brewing. And one thing that people may not know is that there is going to be a new Star Wars movie. That's the rumor that we are hearing is that they're doing the new Star Wars movie. People don't know too much about it. Yes. It hasn't really taken shape. And we're not totally sure who's involved but we have

some ideas of who might based on some of the conversations that we have heard because this is so big for me and haste it's so big for us really really big because all this time you guys know how much we like to nerd out and uh and a lot of the things we like to nerd out about are with space. As nerds growing up, Star Wars was my family. Yes. And the wars that the stars had with each other was like my parents getting divorced almost, the two different stars. For me, I considered it to be my school.

Divorced almost, the two different stars. For me, I considered it to be my school. And the bear, that big bear in the movie was like my – Yes, the grumpy bear. Yes, was like my teacher. Yes. And the rest of the people were one – was probably the principal. And for me, in a lot of ways, the spaceships was my girlfriend. lot of ways the spaceships was my girlfriend and when and so when i would be having sex with my babysitter or whoever uh i i would be thinking about the aluminum falcon and i would kind of

make a joke where i go like hey i'm aluminum fucking right now and they wouldn't even get it because i'm such a nerd you know and thank god i made them come so hard because otherwise i feel like they would have not even wanted to keep doing that you know which is just like that's what when you're a nerd like that's what you have to live with you know yes and i i would say that also in a way some – the aliens were like my favorite sports team. And I would watch them like you would a sports game. Like rooting for some – for one side to do points. Or like if you're watching like an At Midnight and you have the one guy that you're rooting so hard for that guy to win be it kurt brown oler or just like the good guys of at midnight the guys in the white hats dan cedermay or ben cronenberg i mean anybody yes Lawrence. Yes. You say like, I just – I really need this to happen.

And you're praying. Yes. That they're going to actually come through and do the big winning. Yes. And so for me, that's like when I'm watching the one dude in the sort of tunic with the belt. Yes, yes. And he's punching the plastic guy. Right.

And I'm going, points! And so to remember on that times and to know they're going to do another one and to think, are they going to bring in the guy who just looks like a big pile? Yes. Like what happened to him? Because they never really say. Or the guy with like the bucket on his head and he's shooting everybody. Yeah.

And I don't, and I'm- It's like an upside down bucket. It's green. Or the black guy. Not the- Well, a black guy, but there's a guy who's all in. They never really say which one of them is there. Remember? Oh, yes.

Because from the movie. From the movie. They never say what the black guy or the other one. They never really show which one at the end. Not black guy like... There is a black guy like my... Yes, that is a... Like who my sister dated for like a year and a half

because I'm actually... And people sometimes have said, you think because you're white and American, you're allowed to call a race black guy instead of saying Afro-American, which I guess is more proper. But I don't mean that kind of guy. And also, I can say it because my sister did date that dude for a year and a half.

It is confusing when you say black guy. If you use it that way, lots of times people think you're talking about the main bad guy from the movie. This guy, yes. No, that is what I mean. Yes. That guy is a black guy. Right. think you're talking about the main bad guy from the movie this guy yes no that is what i mean yes that guy is a black guy right are but there's the other one too who's not bad who um who looked like the guy who my sister was dating yes who came you know yes was in my house i mean i showed him in my

room like i had a uh at the time i I had a mineral collection, which I sold. But I showed them because I had halite. I had a bunch of stuff that basically just looked like salt, you know? How much – like how much at the end when you're selling that? Like what's – It's all charity stuff when I'm selling that so it's all auction i don't give a shit if how much money it gets it's a gesture like probably a lot and you sign them the minerals yeah i sign them with a puff paint this movie

the star wars yeah yes this movie from when we were kids uh and the stuff we're hearing with a puff paint. This movie. Star Wars, yeah. Yes. This movie from when we were kids. And the stuff we're hearing, I almost am like... And oh please, Afro-American. You know what I mean? I know. That's more offensive

because it's like Jewish guys could have Afros too. I think it is just a clarification thing because when you say black guy, people don't know if you're talking about dark vader or something else and so if you say afro-american he doesn't have an afro his head is dark vader yeah yes yeah so it's just so people know And one thing I think we finally are just going to have to find out is the Empire is the good guys? Or what's the other guys called?

Yes. And that's the truth. And I think that we are going to find that out in this movie based on the meetings we've had. And the other thing they have to do is go back to the robots. Finally. Yes, thank you. Yes. Go back to those robots and finally figure out

who can understand them. It's like the baby in Family Guy. Yes. That's sort of like that robot. Which is what a lot of it's based on yes because they did family guy if you are a fan they did like a bunch of space episodes and then so star wars what if we do that is like like a serious version with real guns and not cartoon guns. And so they say like there's this little baby who he does all kinds of scams and devious

activities. Yes. And he's like a villain. Yeah, we think but the mystery is who can understand this baby because the baby is talking uh and what does his mom does his mom understand him or does she not and so that's like this robot and so we are hearing sort of a back and forth about like what the solution. Is the robot going to be a baby? Yes.

Yeah. And what's in there? Yeah. What's in there? Yes. Where's the, how do you open it? And the speed racing that they do in the movie is I think they're going to bring it back. Yes.

Because technology now is even bigger. Is even bigger, yes. Yes. Because technology now is even bigger. Is even bigger, yes. The little guy, the best speed racer, I hear that they're going to let him do the speed racing again. Yes. And I disagree.

You think that you should get to do it. Yes. I don't. You're very speedy. Yes. Yes. Exactly. And that's the premise of sort of my pit.

And so we're going to take some more meetings because I am going to pitch that I should be doing the speedy stuff. And also because I am such a big fan. And it really was, for me growing up, Star Wars was kind of my after-school clubs and uh i had the chess set with the yogas the king guy he's the um guy yes and uh um uh and bubba fat uh is doing you know he's like a another one of the pieces. Yes. Who can only move in this one particular way. You know, that's how the Star Wars chessboard works, is there's like rules of how you can move the pieces

based on which piece and based on like the board. So that is the segment that we call Rumor Millis. Because it's like, it's the rumors, you know, that are the rumor mill. Yes, and it's only one letter move because you just have to turn the W upside down. Just turn the W upside down and we already had a, and that's rumor millis and so you might not have known all that about all that inside info about star wars but now you do and so now and we'll do a guest stuff hollywood handbook i don't think i can take it so you know my way's voice is leslie man Yeah. And so she's left on sunset, right on found, whatever.

And I'm like, that's where, that's not like where I'm going. And it takes me to the standard hotel. Where is this? And I look in the backseat. She is there in the backseat giving me directions. And she's like, let's go in there and like. Not again. Yada, yada, yada.

And it's like that whole thing. Fun. Hey! Welcome to Hollywood Handbook, an insider's guide to kicking butt and dropping names in the red carpet lineback hallways of this industry we call showbiz. What up, what up? We have an exciting pair of guests today. Just guests, not like female guests.

Like just guests. No need to differentiate. For us, it's honestly the exact same thing. Comedy is comedy. Yes. To me, if it's funny, you laugh. Lennon Parham and Jessica St. Clair are here. Stars of Playing House.

Big fans, Sean and I. Great. Love the show. Thank you so much. Thank you. Yes. And laughing, hopefully. Oh, gosh.

But not because we're women, just because it's funny. Yes, exactly. Yeah, right. You know? Do you sometimes have to stop and remind yourself, like, oh my God, these two are women and I'm laughing? Yes. And then, like, check yourself i would personally yeah that doesn't that doesn't happen for me yeah you know because it's just like very involved well it's just jokes is jokes yeah is jokes yeah i don't see women you don't see women, did you just say? You had a question about that show. I'm gender blind. Cool. Yeah, I did.

It's kind of a funny question, I think. What's it like working with Cherry in The King of Cartoons? I'm sorry? And Jambi. I don't know if I follow. When The King of Cartoons stops by, do you know that? Jason Jambi? No.

Jambi the genie. He tells you what the secret word is is that i'm sorry i'm not following playhouse peewee's playhouse playhouse oh oh oh oh oh got it and that's kind of a fun just lighten them you know like yeah no i'm so you know what it is i think we had a quick mix up I was out so late last night and I'm just like still kind of there. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. Club Deviator. Yes. I was at, were you at Deviate?

Yes, I was. I can't believe I didn't see you there. Yeah. Oh, were you? Oh. I was in sort of a back room situation. So was I. Right.

Okay, okay, yeah. Actually, there is, in the back room, there's a tiny door, like what a hobbit would use. And that's where I was. You have to go through that door. You have to be thin enough to get through that door. Thin like a hobbit. Yeah, yes, exactly. Skinny little hobbits.

They're known for being skinny. Because all they can eat is what they can forage in the woods right I didn't see the movie but anyway sounds like you did that's where I was you probably were in

New Zealand though when we did our press tour you were in New Zealand oh absolutely we were in New Zealand but I mean that was like we didn't really

mix with any locals yeah and I know that I know that the hobbits they're real right all local hires yeah all the hobbits

no I mean like actual hobbits exist didn't right all local hires yeah all the hobbits no i mean like actual hobbits exist didn't they find like a bunch of small skeletons there's an area that's like the pompeii of zealand and if you trek down deep enough into a cave you'll find a bunch of hobbits but they're just like we didn't perfectly preserved you find the skeleton, you know? Yeah, exactly. I was actually in Miami last night because Diddy put out one of those. An APB, if you would, on the tweet. Yeah, he was like, all the gorgeous ladies get down here. And so I jumped on my jet immediately, headed down there. Right.

A lot of Ciroc. Did you bring your baby? What? Did you bring your baby to Miami? Oh, shit. No, I didn't. I forgot her. Do you bring your baby? What? Did you bring your baby to Miami? Oh, shit. No, I didn't. I forgot her. Do you not?

Oh, I forgot her. Okay. And is that you don't think your baby is like pretty? To be honest, I wasn't home with her because she stays in a different place than I do. Right. Most of the time. Right. That's so smart.

Because it's just like I lose focus. Right. You know? Well, you're staying at the peninsula now, right? Yes. Right. So smart. Because it's just like, I get, I lose focus. Right. You know? Well, you're staying at the Peninsula now, right? Yes. Yes. Pretty much exclusively. That way I can just like have any body part massaged at any moment.

Yeah. And if you're thinking about characters and stuff, if you're going to play like Salt or something, it's like Salt doesn't have a baby that's just like around. It's funny that you bring up Salt. You're talking about Angelina Jolie's Salt, which was one of i think her breakthrough roles next to wanted that's what put her on the map for me there wouldn't be maleficent if there wasn't salt i think we can all get on board for that we were at the red carpet for maleficent we were um we were we saw that whole Andy Dick experience.

He kept grabbing on. He tried to steal my clutch. Yes, he's not doing great. Yeah, he wanted to get onto the carpet, and then he tried to steal my clutch, hoping that there was a ticket in there. And I'm like, oh, my God, there's no ticket to the red carpet. I don't know. We don't get tickets. We just show up in there.

No, you just show up, and either you're welcome or you're not. Right, exactly. It's not like a Willy Wonka situation. There's no golden ticket. We get tickets. We just show up and they're like, No, you just show up and either you're welcome or you're not. Exactly. Like, it's not like a Willy Wonka situation. You know, there's no golden ticket. So I did give him, though, I had a chocolate bar in my clutch and I gave it to him. So it was a Willy Wonka situation in that way. It was.

It was. You can snarf that right down. Was the movie scary? Oh, we didn't stay for the movie. No. We just do the carpet. Yeah. And then usually there's a back room

where we were with Brad and Ange. And then we go to In-N-Out Burger. That's how we treat ourselves. Oh my God. We treat ourselves. We do.

We treat ourselves. You go to In-N-Out Burger? Protein style. Okay, this is fun for our audience. What's that? Well, just like that's such a normal restaurant

where like anyone can eat that. I know. I know. I know. And we surprise them. It's not in every state. It's not in every state in an Al Burger. No, it isn't.

Isn't it only in Los Angeles? We're the only people who can eat it, right? Oh, I don't. I don't know. I think it's, I mean, it's not everywhere. I just want to throw that out there. Well, we used to go to Chick-fil-A, but we can't do that anymore, you know, because of what they said about homosexual people. And so –

93% of our fan base is homosexual people. So we can't – we just can't. We just can't. And – But – and, you know, I don't necessarily agree with this, but isn't it, it's his money, that old guy. Truett S. Caffey? Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Yeah. It is. We actually were down at his house. We were flown down to his ranch. When he found out that we had pulled. He tried to get you back? Yeah. Yeah.

We had pulled our support. Mm-hmm. And he actually, he tried to finger you, didn't he? Yeah. Chicken fingers. Well, that's part of it. He is. Yeah. He tried tried to finger you, didn't he? Yeah. Chicken fingers. Well, that's part of it. He is. Yeah.

He tried to chicken finger you, yeah. Yeah, he took a bunch of chicken. I mean, he's a really dirty, like, weird dude. Right. We didn't realize it. He looks just like Colonel Sanders. Yeah. I was, like, very confused at one point.

That's very distracting. Yeah, it is. He looks like that's what that's actually. Seems like you would really want to look like anyone else if you're him. That is actually how they distracted her. A man that looked like Colonel Sanders came in the room and she just immediately went towards him and sat on his lap. Well, he shook a bunch of those poppers, you know, that don't have any of the bones in

them. It's just the batter. Yeah, the boneless poppers. When I've been to his house, he's always kissing on a boy. Yeah. He's kissing on some hot young boy. Yeah, yeah, he sure is. Colonel Sanders?

No, no, no. No, Truett S. Caffey. Truett. That's absolutely true. Yes. He's, you know, he's like ambisexual. Like anything goes there. You know, it's like kind of a real Sodom and Gomorrah situation.

It's like True Blood without vampires. Exactly. That's exactly what it was like. And maybe with vampires. Which is his objection to homosexuality, which a lot of people don't get. He just doesn't like pigeonholing, like saying that men should be with just men. Oh, yes. As a whole, as a whole.

That's another thing he tried to do to Lennon, pigeonholer. Which just, and that you let him do. Is that correct? Well, I didn't realize so much of the meat that they use there is pigeon meat. Yeah. Because that is the chicken of the streets. Yeah. And so before I knew what was happening, yeah, he pigeonholed me.

Congratulations. Thanks so much. I mean, it's experience. It's all experience because Jess and I, we're observers of life. And we draw from our experiences every day. So we never say no to an experience. That's a lesson for your audience is that you never want to say no, no matter what it is. Find a way to say yes and then find a way to get out of it if you don't want to do it.

But always say yes first because you never know where that's going to lead you. You know? Experience, experience. And the closer I feel like to the date of the event that you can say no if you do decide not to do it, the better. Yeah, and if you could leave someone high and dry, you know what I mean? You're saying to them, I have other things. It's a power. It's a power.

You're remembered that way. Oh, yeah, you are. Yeah, you are. That empty chair says a lot more than one that's filled. Honestly. You remember the film

where Ethan Hawke's Reality Bites? Gattaca? Stabs Ange's and Jolie's, of course, fake pregnant belly. Do you remember that film? Yes. He was a stalker Stabs Ange's Aunt Jolie's Of course Ethan Hawke

Fake pregnant belly Do you remember that film? Yes He was a stalker And he'd followed her And at the very end He stabs her belly But then

It's a fake belly And so she wins And he dies That was one That we had been asked To attend And because of The subject matter

Yeah And because of his teeth Which I feel like He's had ample time to get fixed. I think Ethan could afford that, yes. It's a real middle finger to all of us to keep his teeth the way that they are, isn't it? I think so. I think so.

I mean, this isn't the colonial days. You know what I mean? I'm not like putting on a- I think he wants people to think he's a British actor. I think so too. I think like to the uninitiated they might think like

oh my god. Some of the younger generation. Yeah, exactly. Us. Right. We think that. Hayes, what do you think? Shall we get to business?

Hayes, you're so quiet. I'm trying to find a way in because I'm sort of like just to fill you guys in if you don't listen, I'm sort of the host of the show. Oh, okay. And I sort of have to keep the engine running. Sure, sure. Keep us tracked. We hit certain benchmarks and then we move on to the next thing.

Right. If only we had all the time in the world. Enough time, yeah. Yes. Yeah, I'm like an Andy Richter type figure. Just like churning on a bunch of chocolate and just pop in. He's off at his little,

you know, you are standing at a podium. People don't, you know, they don't know because it's auditory and you're sort of in the corner. Photoshop the podium out of all the pictures on the website. Yes, and we bring you into the table. Yes.

You guys are here for, not just to have a really nice chat, for business purposes. Right, of course. As well. Say yes, remember. Yep. Experience, experience. You guys have reached a certain point in your careers. The money is starting to grow.

starting to grow. It's getting to a certain point where the fact that you guys are partners and are splitting that money, because a lot of people don't know how partners work. Yes, this is good to explain. If you are part of a partnership in Hollywood,

a creative partnership, every week each of you gets mailed half of a paycheck and then you have to meet somewhere, maybe at In-N-Out Burger or whatever, and tape the check together as a whole and go to the check cashing man, who's sort of an agent in a way. He takes 10% and he gives you the money. But that stops being practical when you reach the sort of stratosphere that you're entering,

the sort of pay zone. The more money you're making, the more money you're losing. Well, we went through this when I was with Scotty Pippen, when Scotty Pippen was my partner and we were splitting all that, we were doing our basketball boys routine. And he ended up with that bit. Yes, he wound up being able to do the basketball stuff. And I, of course, I can't say the name of my former partner legally. Was it Ricky Spears?

I can't say, but he or she did win the right to say points every time someone does a funny joke. And so, I miss it. I felt like that was something I had come up with. But ultimately, I'm happy

with where I am. You lost it in the divorce so to speak. Yes and so I can't you know if you were to say something really funny I couldn't go haha yes yes points points which I would love to do it. It's so comfortable for me. Now just because you did it right now you don't have to put any money. Well that's an example

and I've talked to my lawyer about this. It wasn't a response to any specific funny joke and no points were awarded for anything anyone said. No one gets any points for that. Yes. And let me make that very clear. To say the word points is okay as long as you don't actually have the authority to award points in some kind of comedy competition that airs every night at a certain set hour. I see.

Got it. Got it. You guys are here because you have reached the same point that Sean and I reached. And it's time to, you know, the more money you're making, the more money you guys are losing at this point. Right. Frankly, that's just the way it works. But in the process of separating, you have to sort your assets. Yeah.

You have to distribute them evenly. Yeah. I brought a bunch of receipts. Great. That's really good. Just like a jumping off point. You have to distribute them evenly. I brought a bunch of receipts. Great! That's really good. Just like a jumping off point. Just a jumping off point. And I brought a couple pairs of your Spanx. Okay.

That you may want back. Because I know you like to wear at least three or four pairs at a time. It's weird that you stole those from me. Does it start to defeat the purpose? You left them in my car. Oh, is that right?

Yeah, that's right. I remember I was putting four pairs of Spanx on. This is a genuine question about Spanx. Does it start to defeat the purpose of Spanx if you get them four thick? Do you start to become large again? Yeah. I don't know.

I don't know. Ask Glenn, and she's the one who does it. It's really about, for for me because my midsection is and you know this maybe goes along with Ethan Hawke's teeth but because you have to work on yourself it is very lumpy. It's not an even

situation and although I am slender I've always been slender. It's been a real problem. And I thought you should get it looked at because it looks like there's some tumors in there. Or maybe an alien in there moving around. So that's why I spanked it. Because I've heard some noises come out of it.

That gives the illusion that there aren't beasts within. Well, sometimes I see the outline of teeth, which is... I've seen you applying spanks and taking care of one lump, but then it reemerging in sort of a whack-a-mole situation. Sometimes it comes out in the right place. So if it comes out up top or down bottom, then I'm okay with it. And I've seen it start glowing, and I've heard it speak to me inside my mind before.

Right. And it makes me start to wonder, is this, it is a little odd. Especially at a cocktail party, or like one time she was on the carpet, and it went down below, and there was that whole thing where people thought you had

a tiny dick and and you had to go and i was wearing a pantsuit that was my mistake and so it was really it was really clear because it came forward in my white pants trousers right um but last night i will tell you nobody was complaining at the club in miami because when they got in the pool with me they all began to feel a lot younger. Wait, like cocoon? Like the movie cocoon? Yes. And all of a sudden, everyone was feeling like six.

Is that why your skin looks so good? Yeah. God, your skin looks so good. I'm going to rub up on those knobbles. Yeah. Get me some of that alien, we think yeah you know question mark okay so spanks are for me got it so she so she gets the spanks and then jess you get all the receipts that you wanted yeah well i have a bunch of things that i need to return to vans

and so and i didn't have the receipts. Produce, mostly. Mostly old produce. If I buy produce and then I don't use it, I return it. You must. And I just say, like... And legally, they have to take it. And they have to take it back, and they should. It's entrapment.

Well, I mean, really, Lourdes is the one buying it and returning it. So she's the one that has to go into battle for you. But that's why I hired her. That's why I hired her. That's why they call her a producer. Exactly. She fights tooth and nail for produce. If they won't take it back, citizens arrest.

Exactly. That's why I carry a pair of handcuffs in my purse. The laws in Los Angeles are very loose. Yeah. Especially when it comes to people that work in produce. Yeah. Do we divvy up the catch phrases next? loose. Yeah. Especially when it comes to people that work in produce. Yeah. So do we divvy up the catchphrases

next? Sure. It can be the most painful thing. It's rip the bandaid off and take care of it that way. Who gets where the white women at? Who gets that catchphrase? I'm just going to put this out there. You say it simultaneously. Yes. you both said it.

It's so funny. Yeah, and every time you enter a room, you go, where are the white women at? And then people point at you. Well, I'm going to say this because I think I brought this to the table from our relationship. Yes, yes.

I disagree. Because, no, am I at... This is good. Remember at Charlemagne's bridal shower? Yeah. That I planned. Yeah. That you planned.

But then I came in with the tiny ghetto blaster and I played Where My Girl's At by 707. And I did that whole choreographed routine. And then you were like. I screamed out Where the White Women At. I'm just saying, though, if I had never played it, if I had never queued it up. Well, this brings up another point. Who gets the tiny ghetto blaster? Okay.

Well, I'd left it in Miami. Why? What do you mean? Because Diddy wanted it? Why? One of those six-year-olds, well, she was 18 and a half, but then she felt like she was six after swimming in the pool with me and she needed it to do a book report so i left it with her this is a lot more painful than i thought it would be it's never easy it's never easy i feel a lot of rage and i have

intermittent explosive disorder which means that at any minute i could just go crazy and start sometimes it's also punching like punching you guys or like or biting you or kicking you. Do you say IED? Yeah, that's what I was going to say. Like you might get exploded by an IED. Yeah, I do. I am the IED. Okay?

Guys, don't piss me off. And I'm not going to turn green and give you a warning. Yeah. All right? Like the Hulk would. No, your leg is going to turn green and give you a warning. Yeah. All right? Like the Hulk would. No, your whole leg is going to get blown off. I mean, just, we love comic book stuff. We're such nerds for that stuff.

Oh my God. And so just like, just the thing that you, I mean, you would think, right? Like these guys, so successful, so cool. Like they weren't nerds. But I was so awkward when I was younger. What was the most awkward experience you had in, say, seventh grade? In seventh grade.

Well, I was always nerding out on my comics and stuff. You didn't always have those words for it. No, we didn't have it back then. We didn't have the internet to be friends on these message boards. Right. But I think probably in seventh grade that one time when I was having sex. Yeah. She spotted, you know, a Wolverine, you know, action figure. oh i'm sorry i thought you meant she spotted like

the little girl i thought she had like a period like intermittently which is also called spotting oh no that would be that's grounds for dismissal instantly you're out of yeah you're out of the house i know that you guys say comedy is comedy is comedy but there's that was just an example oh sorry comedy is comedy is comedy is comedy yeah um that was an example of we got it as women because we're women i know you didn't get it because you're not a woman you're not a woman is that if you remember the story i did get it oh yeah you got it you know what i mean You got it all right. You know what I mean? You got it all right. A little taste of that young puss. Anyway. And I love the way it feels to have sex.

Sure. Now, that was just embarrassing because, you know, for her to see that I was into comic book stuff at 13 years old. And Wolverine out of all of them. Yes. into comic book stuff at 13 years old. And Wolverine out of all of them. And that,

yes, and Wolverine who is sort of a niche, not very popular, people don't know about, but he's one of the X-Men guys. This is pre-Hugh Jackman too. Like,

he really put Wolverine on the map. Yeah, and I still don't think people really know, I mean, unless you're a real nerd like we are,

like I'm sure you guys probably were. And that's how you become funny is by being a nerd when you're younger. Well, not really. For me, I just watched Chevy Chase movies. I was actually extremely popular. The master. Yeah. And I just watched Fletch.

I watched Fletch Lives pretty much on. Just those two. Yeah. And I just watched Fletch. I watched Fletch Lives pretty much on, you know. Just those two. Yeah. Just before I went to sleep every night. And that feeds into so much of the stumbling you do today in your work. Exactly. Yeah. You can really see that.

You can trace that all the way back to Chevy. Calling someone a name of the inverse gender of what they are I think has been a huge benchmark for your comedy. Oh my god, yes. And being probed by doctors in the butt. Well, and who's gonna get that bit?

Who's gonna get the probing bit? Okay, well, back to business. Listen, you could take general probing. I'd like to stick with anal probing. Well,

probing by chicken or a bird. Chicken and pigeon pigeonholing that's okay you can take we haven't done anything with that yet so that's yours even though i came up with the phrase but i'll give it to you all right if i can keep comic anal probing as part of my bag of tricks yeah you can have can have that. Fine, thank you. And comedy is comedy is comedy is comedy seems easy splitting-wise. Yeah. Because you just each get two.

Comedy as comedy as... It's is. Comedy is comedy is comedy is comedy. Oh, what if I did comedy as comedy? Doesn't it go as is as is? Comedy is. Comedy as comedy is comedy as comedy is. Well, then I don't know.

If you split it up, it might not even make any sense. There's a loose is, too, but that's comedy. It's making so much sense, right, how it is. I feel like we should just leave that as is. It's working really well. What if we give it to the universe? What if we give it to these guys? We could toss it to Engineer Sam.

Sam, oh my God, is there a man in here? I didn't even, like, see him. Oh, my God. Is there a man in here? I didn't even see him. Yeah. He's sort of an iPhone charger wrangler. And we have him wear wallpaper clothes like Zach Braff and Garnet's. The comedy is comedy as comedy is comedy is. What? Okay, Sam.

Go ahead and turn your mic off. Off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off. And we're so sorry about that. It's all right. What's wrong with him? He's my little cousin, and he's a whiz on the computer stuff. And so he's great for that. Could he come over?

I actually have some problems with some of my technologies at home. Well, he's your guy. I'd love to have him. Can you just come with me after this, Sam? Yeah. Great. Off. Yeah. Great. Off. Off.

Off. Off! I don't want to go into a rage. Oh, it's an IED? I don't want to fly into a rage because I just stepped on an IED. I don't. Oh, no. And do you say your thing?

Like, I'm about to explode an IED. Time to kill American soldiers? Yes. Yes. about to explode an ID, time to kill American soldiers. Yes. Yes. And then how did your recent USO trip go in terms of entertaining the troops?

I'm just curious because I know I've played in a similar sandbox in terms of. Of course. Of course. Yes. Listen, I wanted to go over there and I wanted to give back. And I did let a few of them raw dog me no joke it's a tough crowd okay listen i could barely walk i mean it was like a real situation and there was sand involved so you guys know yes oh okay i'm laughing but it'm laughing, but it was painful. And then I went out.

The thing about Jessica is that whenever a comedy set goes awry, and we do a lot of comedy sets, like comedy set is comedy set as comedy set is comedy set as. And that's true. What he said is. And that's true. And when it's going awry, when she's bombing, she immediately goes to stage sex. And she invites them one at a time to, it's not always a raw dog situation. You know, it's like the Dothraki. How am I saying it?

Am I saying it right? Yeah, Dothraki. It's like the Dothraki wedding kind of situation, you know? And anyway, so that happened. More nerd stuff. I don't know if people even know about Dothraki stuff kind of situation, you know? And anyway, so that happened. More nerd stuff. I don't know if people even know about the Thraki stuff. Oh, sorry. We should reference.

That is a Game of Thrones reference, which is a popular show on HBO. Right. I haven't watched it. I don't watch anything. Lennon just tells me about it. Or Lourdes tells me about it. Well, I don't own a TV. Oh, my God.

And that's true. Wow. And in this business, you know? It's crazy. Do you, like, are you proud of that? Or do you keep that for people? I don't even think of it as a thing. Because you're too busy.

First off, I try not to let pride be a part of any. I mean, I'm proud of my heritage. Of course, I am one eighth Native American. Oh, my God. I could totally feel that. Yeah, the earth is really important to me. And so that is, you know, that's a real element that I have pride in. But as far as like being proud or not proud of TV, it's a possession, you know?

Yeah, absolutely. And mine is so big that it's not, it's the same thing for me. Like just the fact that I have one and it's large doesn't mean that it's no difference between you and me because honestly I don't have time to watch it no I know to eat off of sometimes I feel like if I watch television

it would taint you know how I because we're in the biz right we're in the biz of TV and I know when I watch it's like when I go into an ice cream yogurt shop and I see a pistachio flavor, right? Yes. This is a great example. This is so good.

And you have never experienced the nut. You've never tasted the nut. But I came in with the intention of raspberry, maybe with a swirl of some sort. But then I see pistachio and everything changes. So for me, working in television, I have a voice. I have a message. I have comedy that I want to bring to the table. And if I see other people's comedy, message, voice, then it ruins.

Their pistachio nut yogurt. Exactly. voice, then it ruins their pistachio nut yogurt. Right, exactly. It's like being a fine chef where if someone I really like where this is going already. tries to serve you

a delicious meal and you'd say, well, I'm a fine chef, why don't I just make a delicious meal of my own to eat? Exactly. If I want to watch a TV show, I'll make a TV show i'll watch that right exactly it's almost like being an airplane maker you know and like if you really like where this is going yeah and so if you're like a really big airplane maker maybe the one you make is fast is this from that movie where he was peeing in a bottle and stuff i don't know

you know in that screening room is that a tv thing or something i don't know. Stuck in that screening room. Is that a TV thing or something? I don't know. It was on TV, but it was also a film first. The A.B. Dater. The A.B. Dater, yeah. Oh, that's right. Yeah, yeah. That's a Barcelona pronunciation.

Anyway, if somebody tried to give me a plane, I'd be like, fuck this, you know? And I think that's what we're all saying. Yeah, exactly.

That's exactly what I was saying. Thank you for making it clear. Should we do the popcorn gallery? Yes. Let's play the theme song for this new segment that we're trying. This is a fan-made theme song. And this will explain to you a little bit about what the popcorn gallery is,

which is kind of a confusing concept. Cool. We've been struggling with it the popcorn gallery it's time for it just now just what they can't hear gallery it's a second which one is which in terms of our guess yes the view was asked the questions not the peanut gallery because it don't know. In my mind, I'm calling them the peanut gallery. Okay. Yes. But that doesn't work for me because they're on opposite sides. The peanut gallery and Sean and Hayes letting the viewers do

in all the questions. Yeah, now it's time for the popcorn gallery. Oh, yeah. Chair's tight. So that's a theme song. So that's it.

As you heard, the segment is a popcorn gallery. Do you want to borrow my Spanx? You're having a hard time fitting into your chair. No, here. I want you to have them. Don't. Oh, God. There you go.

Oh, no. It's hungry. It's hungry. Oh, no, it's hungry. It's hungry. I can understand what it's saying. It's not speaking English, but I can hear the words in my head. It's tapping into your subconscious. This question, let's reach into the popcorn bag and pull out a question from one of our listeners to ask our famous guests. and pull out a question from one of our listeners to ask our famous guests. Mmm, yum, popcorn.

This question is from Tim Treece. Lan and Jess, did you like my song? I have a really big fan. Oh, it keeps going. And it would mean so much to me if you guys liked my song. He's kind of leading you. I feel like there's a lot of desperation there. And Tim, I'm going to give you a Hollywood lesson, which is you can't

ask for it. You know what I mean? I have to give you that compliment. So I'm not going to. I fucking hated your song, Tim. It's not a very good song. This is good for him. Imagine hearing that on the radio. I would go into one of my IED rages honestly and just start

punching myself and the car and Lord Ace probably so no I didn't like your song so that's a thumbs down I just spotted because of your song and I'm not sure if that's good or bad.

But it is an emotional response. It's an emotional spotting. Which is sort of what we've always suspected, that periods are induced by strange emotions. Again, the way women and men are different, we are wholly connected to our mind, our emotion, our physical body, all connected. Right. our emotion, our physical body all connected. When I did a lot of body work in Bolivia, I found that the mind-body-emotion connection is stronger than anyone could ever imagine.

It's probably where I got the beast within me as well. I'll tell you what you also got was a lot of really cute hirachi sandals. Thank you. They're so cheap there. I know. They're so cheap. I know know. They're so cheap. I know. I mean, and they're just like Coach. You could get them exactly

They're just like the ones they sell at Coach or Anthro. Believe me, I wish we'd had gotten like $300. I'll go back. You see them make it with a single frond. Yeah, they're just like picking fronds and they're like, here's your hirachi. It's because of their fingers. Their fingers are so long. They're long and they're like, here's your hirachi. It's because of their fingers. Their fingers are so long.

They're long and they're worn. They can handle the sharp edges of the front. They're not just like Coach. Let's reach back into the bag for a new question. Where are the Coach sandals made? Sean, reach in the back.

On the bottom of your sandals. What does it say? Where are they made? Made in Bolivia. Reach in the back. On the bottom of your channels. Say play this. Okay. What does it say? Where are they made? Made in Bolivia. Everything is. Boy, that PewDiePie's Playhouse joke was funny. Oh, the guy eating the popcorn really enjoyed that initial joke. What did I say? You're not even listening to my Hollywood lesson I gave Tim.

Don't ask for it. This is a sound drop that we're playing. My friend Mark from high school records all these sound drops ahead of time. Lately, they've seemed to really sync up with what happens earlier in the interview. It feels like he has the gift of future sight. That's weird. I want to apologize to Mark because it must be really hard to be in your shadow. You know, we throw him a bone and he's doing better now.

He got promoted at his job pushing dumpsters into each other. He got promoted at his job pushing dumpsters into each other. And it's just great that he has this creative outlet because he was the funny one. I don't know if you guys had this in high school. Oh, my God. I so did. But I had a friend who he was the funny one. Right. And then look at you.

And now I'm like to millions of people, I'm the funny one. But you study them. That's observing. And you write it all down. Exactly. Of course. You sort of absorb their personality. You did the work because that is – he didn't do the work clearly.

He was resting on his laurels of who he thought he was. Right. And that's not enough. You have to do the work. What do you think Chevy feels like right now? I mean here I am on top of the world. You have to be something of a T-1000 in this business where you observe others. You're referring to the calculator, right?

Yes. Absolutely. And you. Graph your dreams. Graph your dreams. That racing game is fun. Well, you already took the question out, so let's read it. It's from Bozos of Basketball.

JSC and Leno playing house. Isn't that what Hugh Laurie does? Like, what do you do on the show? house isn't that what Hugh Laurie does like what do you do on the show so now so we have before you answer that question we actually have a question as a follow-up to his question which is have you has anyone made that joke because we haven't heard it we haven't heard we want to know if he took it from something there's a lot at stake for this listener basically we're sure bozos of basketball did not come up with because we love it but it's like did you really come up with that yeah you know i will say we have not heard that joke yet so bozos i feel like bozos of basketball i'm gonna give you credit for

that because that was really funny i wasn't laughing it wasn't like loud but it was like one of those things like when i'm driving home or someone's driving me home, I'm going to be like, I'm going to think about it. I'm not going to laugh, but it is funny. Is it harder to make you laugh because you work in comedy?

Yeah. I mean, is it hard when you're like operating on a heart, you know, every day of your life to feel love? To go home and, yeah. You know, I don't know. Ask Q. Laurie.

Ask Q. Laurie. When you really know the depth of what life is at stake, it's harder to fully live it sometimes. And I think as artists, we're so brave. You know, we go out, we release that. We get pigeonholed. We get. We do what we need to touch people. And it's scary.

And you give up a little. It's hilarious. Well, and Jessica was saying before the show, you the show that we're maybe braver even than soldiers, a lot of the soldiers that she met. Yeah. And I didn't mean for you to share that on the air. Oh, I thought, you know. Because I'm in touch with mostly all of those guys.

Sure, yeah. You know what I mean? You're going to get some really angry videos. I know. So, oh, yeah. You know what I mean? You're going to get some really angry videos. I know. So, oh, well. Well, yeah, for me it goes fireman, comedian, soldier. Yeah. Starts with fireman.

And then maybe like a guy who draws. Airplane maker. Airplane maker, frozen yogurt guy. Yeah, frozen yogurt guy. God, I could really go for some pro-yo right now, right? It's all that talk of sand and the hot desert. Making my mouth very sandy. Yeah.

I'm feeling dry. Let's reach back in the back end. Will you play the clip, Sam, where he takes out two questions? Two questions, yes. Thanks, Sam, for playing this. It's like D! The bomb cut! Wow.

You know, if there is another Police Academy movie, your friend Mark should go out for it. He uses Foley. Oh, he's using, yes. He uses a lot of effects. Ball bearing. Snapping celery sticks and, yeah. It's not all with his mouth. Clanking coconuts together.

No, he's got a lot of tools. Yeah. This is from Not Your Mother's Dick Jokes. New person. Get ready, I guess. Cagers crossed. And there's one for each of you. Okay.

Jessica Street Claire, I hear you were once peed on at a Bruce Springsteen concert. Were those VIP tickets or does the boss pee on everyone who comes backstage? Well, here's the thing. I'm a good, dear, dear, dear. Okay, I'll just say it. Patti Scalfa is my godmother and so i go to all of their concerts and you know and and i'm backstage and you know at any rate one night um bruce it was in between sets came back and he said i'm gonna need to pee pee on you and and he said, I'm going to need to pee on you.

And I said, is Patty cool with this? And he said, shut your mouth. And he just did it. Yeah. That's the boss. And that's the boss. Polite of him to ask you to shut your mouth. Yeah, it was. Don't want to get pee in there.

Was it retroactive, Patty Scalfa being your godmother? I'm just wondering about that because you're significantly older than she is. Well, yeah. I mean, I am a good 20 to 30 years older than Patti. But I felt like – It's just a connection. I felt like she had a lot to teach me spiritually. You don't – Jess actually went back to the Catholic school in the future.

And she was reconfirmed and was able to pick anyone who in her life wanted to lead her. Right. And that's how this all happened. Because she's really retouched with her religious self. She also taught me how to play the tambourine. Because I don't know if you've been to a Bruce concert, but she can really wail on that thing. You know what they say. Play the tambourine for someone, they get to dance for a day.

But teach them to play the tambourine and, you know, it's really. They'll dance for their lives. Yes, yes, yeah. Yeah. That's exactly right. Yeah. Not your mother Dick Joe's question for Lennon is, Lennon Parham, I know your father was the late, great Thomas Lennon. Sorry for your loss.

Will you portray him in the rumored biopic Dangled Over the Edge? I can't release that information at current. Do you want to talk about him? Oh, God. Now you see that there is actually no tears coming out of her tear ducts. I'm an actress. She's loving this. I'm an actress.

Yeah. I can't really let on to the secrets which are hidden behind the Hollywood doors. But I will say I am going to be undergoing some treatment to make me shorter. I will say I am going to be undergoing some treatment to make me shorter. And I'm also just watching Night at the Museum over and over and over and over again. Now, isn't it true that while tragedy is sad, it can be a pretty good thing for a Hollywood career? Well, tragedy is comedy plus comedy plus... Waiting to happen. Waiting to happen.

Mm-hmm. Isn't that true? I guess. Yeah. Sure. Thanks. Thanks to both of these guys. And thank you for coming on the show so much.

And it's time for everyone to go home and go to sleep. And rate us on iTunes and talk to us on the forums. And please buy the pro version of our show where a lot of really great. And when we say rate us on iTunes, actually rate us on iTunes. I feel like we've been talking a lot about it. But it hasn't really been happening that much. They do seem to think it's just words. Yes, that's right.

You guys want the feedback. We love constructive feedback. Maybe what you thought was funny about it or what you thought was great or smart. And all of that would be helpful. I believe it's whatupwhatdown the user that brought the

pro version this week. And I think we can offer him a pair of Spanx. Absolutely. Used Spanx. You know what? I'm going to do this. If you would like to auction off the Spanx that I wore in Desert Storm

when I visited all those brave guys then I will donate those to you. And they're camouflage. They're camouflage. For when you lie on the side of the road to explode when a convoy goes by. Yeah.

Do you want to take a pair of Spanx off for wet up, wet down? Is that okay? Well, just like a... Do you want to take one of your... Are you asking Lennon? A podcast used, you, just like a, like a, maybe. Do you want to take one of your legs? Are you asking Lennon? Like a podcast used, you know,

like sometimes, like in a jersey, you take one pair of Spanx off, then like. Well, I actually gave my Spanx to Sean. I'm wearing them.

We can see that you have. I'm wearing them and it's the only way I can fit in this chair. Yeah. But we can see that that's not your only. Later, if I.

Are you talking about my face Spanx? Yeah. Give him your thanks. Your face. Your thanks. Your my face fangs? Yeah, give him your fangs. Your face. Your fangs. My fangs? Yeah.

All right, here we go. Oh, she's an alien! Bye. Bye. This has been an Earwolf Media Production. Executive Producers Jeff Ulrich and Scott Aukerman. For more information, visit Earwolf Media Production. Executive Producers Jeff Ulrich and Scott Aukerman. For more information, visit Earwolf.com. EarwolfRadio.com

The wolf dead. That was a HeadGum Podcast.