Hollywood Handbook - Joe Mande, Our Close Friend

Episode Date: May 14, 2018

Comedian Joe Mande joins The Boys to explain the jokes from his stand-up special.This episode is sponsored by Mack Weldon ( www.mackweldon.com  code: THEBOYS).See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Chris Rock's brother. Oh, no, I know. And we're just making chop suey out of stuff we find around the house. You know, whatever's left over. Anything can be chop suey. Yes. There's fruit roll-ups, and then there's some old oatmeal, and we find there's like a bag of milk. Milk, yes, in a bag. And we're going, hey, you know, here, put this in the chop suey.

going, hey, you know, here, put this in the chop suey. And Tony's chopping away, and I'm sort of on the ones and twos on the skillet, you know, just sort of mixing up, moving the— Skitching them. Yes, exactly. Yeah, crab scratching the skillet. And Gordon all of a sudden starts like—you know, he can be a little condescending. Yeah, sometimes. And he starts like kind of saying what to do.

Right. But in a way that's like, oh, what I do, just like the way I do it, the way I sketch a skillet. Yeah, exactly. Oh, so cool. He's like, that's great. You know, when I'm doing the skillet, sometimes I find that the chop suey comes out a lot tastier

if I mash the fruit roll-ups in with my fists into the hot skillet. And I'm going like, well, that's very interesting. That's great. It's interesting what you do at your house. I don't know whose house this is. No, no one did. Yeah. But I don't think it's your house.

Yeah. Whoever's house it is, let's not talk about that because if they get home, we're going to be in big trouble. And then, so I'm, yeah, so I'm obviously very pissed and smash him in the head with skillet and he then calls me donkey. You know, he plays soccer. Yeah. So he gave me with the headbutt.

And when he says that you're a donkey, it's... For a second, you probably are going to think he is Shrek. Oh, God. Which is going to freak you out even more. Well, yeah. So I'm already, like, disoriented, upset. Tony, always the peacemaker. Oh, yes. Takes his chopping

machine and puts it between us and goes, hey, no suey for anybody unless you two sort it out. And we hug it out, bitch. We do hug it out, bitch. Yeah. And it's technically okay between us, but all this is just to say that's why I'm kind

of nervous about this quinceañera tonight because I haven't seen him since. Hey, welcome to Hollywood Handbook and Insider's Guide to Kicking Butt and Dropping Names and the Stories. And the Stories of the Business. Joe! Joe! Come on! Joe Mandy, you came as a guest on my podcast. What is that?

Hmm? What's that song? I don't know? I don't know I don't know We collect these things There's a song called Mandy But I don't know how that one goes Old song

Oh is there? I just know that it's called that I know of Mandy more Right That might be who sang it It probably is It's like about her Her first song

Introducing Herself. Nice to do. I'm Mandy. Joe Mandy. Yeah, that sounds good. I think that is probably Mandy Moore's song. Do we want to talk about Mandy Moore's career a little bit or her love life? You probably know a lot more about that than I do.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Well, let's just say Mandy Moore should talk a little Mandy-less. Okay. Because whenever we're— That was the thing about her love life. She would talk too much. She'd talk all about it to me.

Uh-huh. I'm her Uber driver. her love life, she would talk too much. She'd talk all about it. To me. I'm her Uber driver. Like, she has a program called Uber Select where you can... Any person to drive your car. Yes, a specific driver, and they don't have to drive for Uber necessarily. So my phone will get pinged.

But they have to if they get this message. Suddenly you have to drive. Yeah, and so I will have to go and if you get this message suddenly you have to drive yeah and so i will have to go and pick her up and it's always like and we i loved you know uh andy roddick but andy and mandy rhyme yeah that didn't work out yeah and then ryan adams like wow some very juicy stuff yeah you're getting here yeah it was all like all this stuff

and then Vince of course we all watched our date Vince yeah should I be sharing it? I don't know it's just so juicy is it against the terms

of uber select? is there an uber select confidentiality clause? I'm asking you okay well no that's not what you asked me you said should you be sharing that?

And then I asked. And then, okay. And Joe maybe asked. Right. You're right. You win. Joe, I can't believe that we've been doing this show for so long and now we have Joe. What the heck?

I know. It's so crazy and what the heck is happening. I know I'm very busy, but still. It's busyness. It's been too long. Well. It's show crazy. I know I'm very busy, but still. It's busyness. It's been too long. It's show busyness. Yeah. That's why they call it that.

It's not called show free time. It's called show busyness. We obviously, when we even conceived of doing a show, one of the first things that came up was we have to do it with Joe. Yeah. I'd imagine. And then life got so crazy. Yeah.

And you were doing what? Just insanity. Yeah. I've been all over the place. Japan. I went to Japan. Yes. Well, go on.

He's in a kimono. That's, yeah, I did a full stand-up tour of Japan in a kimono. I remember you saying you were going to go to Japan to get a suit made, and then it was a kimono ultimately. It's technically a suit. Right. Everybody kind of closes in a suit, really. I did get a kimono made.

It's great because it fits my body precisely. It's not like a loose. Yeah, yeah. I think you see too many people picture this sort of flowing, silky, but this is a leather-fitted kimono. Bespoke. It's like tight. You can really see definition.

All your curves are, yeah, just look absolutely delicious in this thing. And so obviously you were in Japan and it was hard for us. We couldn't really figure out the time difference. We kept trying to do this over the phone. Never did crack that. It seemed to keep moving on us. You would think that it's like basic math, but yeah. No, it changes like every day.

Yeah, because it's so far away. And then when you finally got back from Japan, guess what? We were traveling, which is part of this industry. We went to do Just for Laughs Dubai, which obviously was funny, but also was too hot, I thought. It was very hot, and they don't let you do every joke there, which I love. I think it's great. No, it's good to be restricted, I think,

because then you have to find what's funny without looking at a woman or drinking alcohol. Well, think about some of the lyrics of these songs these days and how much more creative they used to be when they would sing. That's an example of the kind of joke that we could do. We'd be allowed to say this, but we couldn't give the examples of the modern lyrics. We couldn't say what they sing now.

We could go, they used to do some of these songs. Yeah, Frankie Valli. And instead of laughing there, they say, thank you. Every one of the audience says, thank you at the same time. Once or over and over again throughout? Or is it one final? It depends how well you're doing. Yeah, that's right.

I think one night I feel like we crushed, and we must have gotten six or seven thank yous. And then there was another night where we didn't get a single thank you. No. But we did get a nod and then sort of a hand signal. Yeah. Did you guys, was Tyrese there while you were there at the festival in Dubai? Yes.

He was, he had a few different things going. He was shooting Fast Dubai a few different things going. He was shooting fast Dubai. Uh-huh. And at the same time, he was also emceeing all the proceedings. Right. Yeah. So anyway, now we're all

finally back here, stateside. Yep. Feels good to be on solid ground again. Yes. And but let's talk about killing and if Joe's here

that was what we absolutely have to discuss. Yeah. Your stand-up career is blowing up insane to the planet Mars.

Yes. Outer space. All the way through the stars and into the solar system. And back again. Yes. And you're murdering whole families with your ruthless brand of comedy.

Like a precision drone. Yes. Yeah. Laser guided missiles. Comedy drone strike. No one is spared. You know, no one is spared. Talk a little bit about the psychotic mindset you need to get into in order to make people laugh without even considering their feelings.

Right. Well, you know, everyone likes to toke a little bit just to get the ideas flowing. Okay. We're going there. I'm sorry. I don't know. Am I allowed to talk about? Dude. Yeah. Here. Yeah. I think we, I don't know. Am I allowed to talk about? Dude?

Yeah. Here? Yeah, I think we'd be upset if you didn't. No, we're total Chiba Hawks. We love getting to the moon. Oh, no, I'm talking about methamphetamines. Yes, exactly. We also love to do that. Yes.

We will do anything. Yeah, I'm a tweaker. That is a drug. As long as it's a drug, then I will do it. Hey, it's all anti-me medication, baby. So that's to get into the mindset of a psychopath. So I'm there. I get these ideas.

I'm watching the news. I'm reading magazines. I'm eating them. Wow. Eating magazines, yep. On meth. And that will help you sometimes decode the messages inside the article. And that's kind of the meth munchies, really.

It really is, yeah. As you, very shortly after you do it, you have to eat a lot of paper, whether it's a magazine or the dictionary. It's like, it's greedy for your brain to consume all these ideas. It's like your body should have some of that. I've noticed a lot of your bits lately are about how license plates are actually secret messages to you. Yeah. It's so weird that I feel like I started writing this stuff, I was like,

am I really the first person? Nobody else is noticing this, or at least maybe they're scared to talk about it. But it's some of the most relatable stuff for a true tweaker like me to just go, yeah, hello? I mean, you think these are just random letters and numbers or they may be aimed at me.

Yeah. Can we talk about the special? Yeah, please. Uh-oh. And this one actually is special. Sometimes people say I have a special. And it's actually a normal regular. Yeah, you have a comedy regular coming out.

This one's a special. I appreciate that. Yeah. Have we settled on a title? For the next one? Yes, for the one that we want to talk about. Well, yes.

This one has been out in video form. But this is the album form now. Right? You tell me. I don't know what's going on. Oh, I see. Yeah. Yeah.

My, the special, which is a special. Yeah. Will soon be released in an audio form. Yeah. And it'll be called Joe Mandy's album or something. Ah. Cool. Very 90s detached.

Yes. Oh, and so freaking, so basic that it's cool. Yeah. That's what I'm going for. It's normcore. Joe Manny's album or even who cares. Who gives a shit. Yeah, Joe Manny's or whoever's freaking album or something. We're all gonna die someday. Dude,

have you really thought? That is actually true. And you can say it to anything. Anytime you catch somebody caring about something or talking about something, you can go, bro, we're all freaking worm food, baby. That's my whole thing right now. Yeah, you can try all day and you're still going to die. Yeah, because it's good to tell that to people to knock them down. Yeah. That's my tactic here in Hollywood. Yeah. Because it's good to tell that to people to knock them down. Yeah.

That's my tactic here in Hollywood. Yeah. I say like your worm food, they get distracted, they get sad, and then, uh-oh, I got your job. That's right. And then anything you're not doing feels like it could be a choice that you're making because you don't give a shit. Of course I'm not doing that. I'm going to die, and I'm the one who knows that. My brain is I'm the person who is aware of death.

Right, and then people get to say, oh, it's not that he's not good at it. It's that he intentionally doesn't care, is not doing it because he knows more than everyone else. And he is good at it. Yeah, could be good at it, but just has too clear a perspective. Yep.

Yep. Where did we tape this? New York. The New York Theater. Yeah, the New York Theater. Wow. So fancy there. You managed to book it.

Yeah, it was crazy. I got an email from my manager, one of them, and she said, we got the New York Theater. Oof. Oh, my God. I'm performing here. Yeah. What the heck? That's crazy.

It was crazy. It was crazy. And I felt like I really fed off the New York energy. Yeah. You could tell in the performance. Yeah. Pacing. A lot of pacing. I was eating

those nuts that smell good but taste bad. Nuts for nuts. Yes. So roasted. Did you piss off the freaks and freak out the squares? I mean, you tell me, man. I don't want to be braggadocious, but

it felt like it. That's right. We should, I guess, just play it. man. I don't want to be braggadocious, but it felt like it. That's right. We should, I guess, just play it. Well, let's talk a little bit because obviously you know better than anyone that this show is about translucency. Yeah. Not quite transparency, but showing people some of what goes on behind the scenes sort of almost as if it's through like a Viz Queen sheet. Right. And so we like to let people press their face up against the podcast and see a little bit of the process, but not all of it.

You want to give the secrets away. We were hoping, yes, we want to give a lot of hints. Sure. But we don't want to come right out and say it. So I think what we want to do is play a little bit of this stand-up special you have, which is very special, and just talk to you about like, hey, where'd some of this come

from? I love it. Yeah. I want to tell people about my process. Let's do this. The opening bit of Joe Mandy's album, or whatever. Or go fuck yourself. Yes.

Here comes Joe. Okay, and people are sort of marching out there. The horse cops are clapping. Thank you. Nice to thank everybody. Oh yeah, Dubai would love that. Oh, to thank everybody. Thank you. Oh, yeah.

Dubai would love that. Yeah. Oh, to thank them. Yeah. They never get that. Yeah. Thank you very much. Thank you.

I'm a modern man. Okay. And right off the rip rip you let people know hey this ain't your grandad stand up like this is gonna get pretty edgy and interesting also to just to go right into it not to be like thanks everyone

how is everyone doing just to be like I'm a modern man okay this you know it's weird to hear your own stand up played for you. This is all, it sounds like new to me. You don't remember. I don't, no.

Right. Yeah, it's been a while since you taped it, too. I was so in the moment that I kind of forget how it started. It's weird. Okay, yeah, no. Keep, yeah. Man for the millennium. Digital and smoke-free.

A diversified multicultural postmodern deconstruction is politically, anatomically, and ecologically incorrect. Whoa. Lots to unpack there. Jeez. So basically, you're like, okay, I'm politically incorrect. Sorry, friggin' millennials, right? But you then said you are a millennial before that. So it's like, holy shit, holy shit this guy's freaking putting me in

my safe space but then he's also you know maybe needs a safe space which by the way is freaking six feet underground me oh okay okay so i thought you would just like be able to sort of go along with it i uh oh yeah we're just trying to promote like your we want people to listen to this and be like oh this is good this is for you that we're doing this

instead of doing like the real thing we listened to some of your stuff and we were like and it's funny you're so funny but we didn't think that if we're just playing a clip

to like promote it that there was really anything that was gonna kinda grab them pop off yeah okay no no I get it now

sorry yeah yeah yeah yeah. So like I say I'm a millennial. You say you're a man for the millennium. A man for the millennium, right. Because this was before the term millennial was used. Yeah, I guess it was.

Right. And you're politically, anatomically, ecologically. Do we want to hear exactly what it was? Let's get it. Modern deconstruction is politically, anatomically, and ecologically incorrect. So anatomically incorrect. And ecologically incorrect. Talk about some of those words and your process and where you were when you wrote this.

I think I was in the library. You would have to be learning. Yeah, and my goal was just to cram as many words in a single breath. Well, just adverbs is what you needed really was a whole run of them. Yeah. That's dope. So did it start from knowing that politically incorrect was a term and then going maybe if I put two other words next to that, it'll sound like one thing.

Yeah. Or that anatomically correct. There's so many other things than just being politically incorrect. That was my, that's what I was thinking. I was like, you know, why just stay politically incorrect? I could be anatomically incorrect. Right. I could be ecologically.

There's so many. Yes. Kalees. Yes. Yes. And even though those aren't necessarily existing terms, anatomically incorrect or ecologically incorrect, now they are. Yeah. Well, yes.

And that's – at heart, you've always said that a comedian is really just an inventor and a tinkerer of sorts. A wordsmith. Mm-hmm. It's like I take words and then try to make an alloy, a new word, a new concept. A Rube Goldword machine is what you've called yourself before. I have, just right before the show. Yeah. Yeah.

I've been uplinked and downloaded. I've been inputted and outsourced. I know the upside of downsizing. I know the downside of upgrading. I'm a high-tech low-life, a cutting-edge, state-of-the-art, bi-coastal multitasker, and I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond. Wow! Okay.

So I guess we're off to the races here, Joe. I know it's going to be hard to keep up with because you did not actually say anything. This is, you know, this is Carlin. This is like the best to ever do it. This is the height of comedy achievement. Like, this dude is a fucking monster. And a guy who's, this was late career, Carlin, and a guy whose powers are just growing stronger and stronger.

Professor X. Yes. And do we want to listen to that part one more time, I guess, for you to like process it so you can pretend it's yours. Anatomically and ecologically incorrect. I've been up length. That, yeah, that guy is with it before everyone else at the theater. He can just feel it.

Here it comes. I feel like he maybe makes uplinks for a living. So he was just like so psyched. Here we go. Here we go. I've been downloaded. I've been inputted and outsourced. I know the upside of downsizing.

I know the downside of upgrading. I'm a high-tech low-life, a cutting-edge, state-of-the-art, bi-coastal multitasker, and I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond. Boom! Wow! I love that. Is that all true? It is true, yeah.

So what is the upside of downsizing? I think it's just to streamline one's business. Okay, yeah, cheaper. And get rid of redundancy. What's the downside of upgrading? I think it's just to streamline one's business. Okay, yeah, cheaper. Redundancy. What's the downside of upgrading? Maybe that you lose the passion. You know, like when something's updated, you lose the like.

Well, it's like listening on vinyl or something. Yes, the warmth. Instead of, you know, upgrading upgrading to these freaking MP3. That's exactly what I was thinking. That's what that gigabyte in a nanosecond. That's what I'm referring to. What's the thinking about being able to give someone a gigabyte

in a nanosecond? How can you do that? It's with really just like a thumb drive. Are you just handing them yeah okay i was gonna say are you handing them like a a thumb drive but that's such a fast hand handing a nanosecond you give it to him that fast i mean i guess he's just the literal moment where his hand comes off in their hand yeah that's exactly right yeah wow i'm new wave but i'm old school and my inner child is outward bound i'm a hot wire

that's such an amazing idea uh to take the concept of outward bound which of course is on everybody's whips yep yep yep uh but to apply it to the inner child wait a a minute. Yes, because we're all talking. Let's face it. We're all in therapy. Yeah. You know, I mean, you don't get into this business without wanting to be in therapy. Uh-huh. And so you're getting in touch with your inner child and just saying- And taking them on outward bound.

They're going to go outward bound? Just like a field trip. It's a trip. That's fucked up. I mean, that's some of that frigging crazy stuff you're smoking. It is. It is. And it, you know, it's so funny listening to the ones that made it because there's so many that I had to take out.

I was curious how many ended up on the cutting room floor. I had one that was like, I, you know, I'm not about westward expansion. I'm eastward in expansion. Oh, that's good. And then it just, you know, I think it was just kind of clunky. So meaningful. Yeah. Too smart.

Too smart. I think, for this audience. Yeah. Did he say it was a high-flying low life? Yes. Yes. Yeah. I mean, wow, because that's real.

Yeah. Yeah, but I was asking Hayes. Yeah, I had heard one of yours that I was, you know, upset that it didn't make it. But I believe you said that you had oral sex in a rural area and anal sex in a penal colony. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Very real concepts there to think about. Oh, gosh. It's funny you bring that one up because I spent weeks in the library trying to think about. Oh, gosh. It's funny you bring that one up because I spent weeks

in the library trying to think of something that was oral sex, like with your ears. But ultimately, I just realized that if you said it, no one would realize. It's the same. Some of these jokes are just for the paper. Just slicing the homonyms out.

Brain droppings, that goes into that pile. And you did brain droppings as well. ...heat-seeking, warm-hearted, cool customer, voice-activated, and biodegradable. Those ideas together don't see voice-activated, biodegradable. Seems like you are, I guess, intentionally drifting off the concept a little bit. It doesn't rhyme, and there's no opposite in there. But you can't come up with a million of these things. I mean, that's the issue is sometimes you have to take a shortcut

because they're just hard. You guys are familiar with the sport of boxing, right? Ah, yeah. There was a famous. The queen's favorite game. Yes, the sweet chess. And there's a... I forget which match it was,

but someone famously did something called a rope-a-dope. Oh, okay. That is... Yeah, it was... I remember the match. It was Shanling versus Pete Berg. Yeah, famously, Shanling did the rope-a-dope. Yeah, famously, Shanling did the rope-a-dope.

And what the strategy is, is you make Pete Berg think like, oh, I got this guy. He's losing it. And he's so much older than me. He's not in as good shape. I'm going to annihilate this dude. And much like my good friend Gary,

I let the audience think like, oh, he's losing the thread. He can't continue this. He just said the opposite of voice activation is bio-degradable goods. And then, you know, just keep listening. I hit them right back with an uppercut. Okay. The interface of my database, my database is in cyberspace. So I'm interactive interactive i'm hyperactive

and from time to time i'm radioactive oh yeah i think he knew what he was doing the whole time applause break behind the eight wait wow okay yeah your database isn't cyber you interface with your database your database is in cyberspace. Which is just a Dropbox account. Sure. I guess that makes sense. That's where it would be. Good to be honest. One of the things I know that you wound up cutting just because of the change in the political landscape was that you were a rootin' tootin', six shootin', free Shootin' Free Pollutin' Friend of Putin.

Yep. And I think that that had a different context when you were initially writing it. It did. And then it just – in these politically charged times to say I was a friend of Putin, it just threw everything off. Yeah. Who is this guy? What side is he on? And then for a while you were working on just changing it to like motor scooting or even boot scooting. Right.

And then maybe getting into some sort of boogie area. Boogie area. Yeah. Big time. Yeah. But then you just forgot to do that, I guess. No, I wrote it fully. Oh, okay.

It's out there. You know, maybe next year I'll do it. Bonus material. Bonus material. Yeah, you have to do a bonus material. Yeah, you have to do a bonus. A remix. Mixtape type thing. Yeah, I'd love to see. You know who was a huge inspiration for me was actually Yosemite Sam.

Oh, okay. Yeah, you can kind of tell. You can feel it. The gravel in your voice and the inflections and the rhyming. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. And Yosemite Sam, back then, the vice squad would show up at his sets. Please, I know.

To shut the whole thing down. But I think he did pave the way for a lot of you guys that are working now. I can't wait for it. That's why I have a back tattoo. Devoted. Because he had a back tattoo as well. Mm-hmm. So, I guess, and his back tattoo as well. So, I guess,

and his back tattoo is on yours, so I guess it's just kind of like a hall of mirrors of back tattoos. Yeah. You could get lost in it. I do often. I'll just stare in, I'll put two mirrors up.

And then I'll just look down that infinite corridor. To be on method, to be on method to be doing that would be so scary it's basically having an infinity war yeah that's the original infinity wars behind the eight ball ahead of the curve riding the wave dodging the bullet pushing the envelope

so those are five things for sure those are just phrases and they all have it's verbs with ing. Yeah. Yeah. And some of them are, I guess none of them are really like recent. Dodging the bullet, pushing the envelope.

That's, oh, but no, but don't you agree that a modern man would do those things? I mean, I think that was the point. That is something that you as a modern man would definitely be doing. Yeah, that I'm surrounded by envelopes. Is there anything more modern than knowing old phrases? I don't think so. I'm on a point on task on message and off drugs.

I got no need for coke and speed. I got no urge to binge and purge. I'm in the moment, on the edge, over the top, but under the radar. A high-concept, low-profile, medium-range ballistic missionary. A streetwise smart bomb. A top-gun, bottom-feeder. I wear power ties.

I tell power lies. I take power naps. I run victory laps. Can you just repeat that whole section for us so we can understand it? Yeah, you know, I think I just, as a modern man, it's just like I'm actually poking fun at those who take power nets. They do all those things. And they feel the need to run a victory lap.

It's like, what have you actually done? But then when I really think about it, I am that guy in a certain way. Sure. I do do those things. And I guess. As you can see, I'm wearing a power tie. Talk a little bit about power lies. You tell power lies, yes.

Yeah, because power lines is right there for you. Power lines. Or something that is a phrase we know. A little secret is that I just committed to it. I was written down as power lines. Oh, wow. And it just came out wrong. And then I was like, that's actually more poetic.

Yeah, it rhymes it does rhyme more and it and i think it's it's like a you know like a good steely dan lyric it's like well what does he mean by power lies yeah well and just it's literature just using power lies in a group of phrases that are all actual phrases is in a way a power lie it is yeah yeah so that's kind of cool. And then you have to wonder, like, was that a mistake or was a part of my brain forcing my mouth and tongue to eliminate the N from that word? So it gave me something else more powerful and deep. That's just something that happens when you're truly comfortable on stage.

Now, that's just something that happens when you're truly comfortable on stage. Can I ask, like, only maybe 40 seconds ago you did high-flying low life, and now you have gone back to the well of high-low. I think he said, like, high-frequency, low something, low flyer or something. I'm right here. No, I'm talking to Hayes, though. Yeah, I know. I do remember hearing something like that. Yeah, I mean, do we want to hear it again?

It's, yeah. Okay, yeah. Off drugs. I got no need for coke and speed. I got no urge to push in the envelope. I'm on point, on task, on message, and off drugs. I got no need for coke and speed. I got no urge to binge and purge.

I'm in the moment, on the edge, over the top, but under the radar. A high-concept, low-profile, medium-range. Yes, high-concept, low- on the edge, over the top, but under the radar. A high concept, low profile, medium range Yes, high concept, low profile. High concept, low profile. And also, I guess it's intentionally people know your background. It is a power line that you have no need for coke and speed.

It is, yeah, because it's exactly what I need to get to the point where I can write this stuff. Exactly what produced this. And you do have an urge to binge and purge. And I feel like I'm pretty high profile. Yeah. And when you got booed for saying you were off drugs, I feel like that guy probably didn't get it.

And what he should have been saying was, thank you. You know what's funny? Now that I remember, it was the Uplink guy. Oh, wow. So he just wanted, he thought it was going to be all Uplink stuff. I gave him, I shot him a look. I was just like, calm down, man. There's another 55 minutes. I'm going to get back be all uplink stuff. I shot him a look. I was just like, calm down, man. There's another 55 minutes.

I'm going to get back to the upload. He's like, focus on the technology conversation. Yeah. A smart bomb. A top gun bottom feeder. I wear power ties. I tell power lies. I take power naps.

I run victory laps. I'm a totally ongoing Bigfoot slam dunk rainmaker with a proactive outreach. Bigfoot slam dunk rainmaker with a proactive outreach. Bigfoot slam dunk rainmaker. Totally ongoing. And so that power ties, power lies thing, just to double back. Joe, you had such a rhythm to the way you, it was almost like a scatting. Did you? Yes.

Do you have a musical background at all? Do you feel like you invented rap on this stage? Well, it's, I don't, I wouldn't dare to call myself a rapper, but you know, I did spend years in the slam poetry circuit, and I think this is kind of revealing itself. Well, it's like, honestly, a lot of these words in these rap songs don't even rhyme. They rhyme like Gucci with Gucci. Yeah.

And it's like the same word, but you are actually doing real rhymes up here. Yes. And you have real ideas that's not just like popping bottles. Yeah, no. Yeah, no, it's not. And this is some of the stuff we couldn't talk about in Dubai, but these lyrics that they put in the songs now. You can't talk about Gucci in Dubai.

No. And it's popping bottles and it's women and they don't use that word. No. And some of what they're talking about doing with these people and the places they're talking about being the club. Yeah. I'm sorry. The reason we couldn't talk about this in Dubai is because you can't use the word women either. Yeah, right.

So it was just like too hard to get this bit across. I haven't gone to that festival yet just because it's like how do I translate this particular bit. Right. Well, why don't people rap about something I can relate to like being a Bigfoot or like just there being too long a line at the deli. I mean just something that I've experienced like being a high-flying lowlife. It's like being a high-flying lowlife. A raging workaholic. A working rageaholic.

Out of rehab and in denial. Can I ask, what was happening that made all those people applaud in that moment? I assume there was something else happening in the theater. Yeah, did a bird run across an oak. A streaker. It's hard to convey in audio, but there was a screen behind me. It was so funny. It was a Photoshop

picture of me waist deep in the Nile River. I was in denial and people were like, That's cool okay I wish we could see that I know

it was it was a magical moment because it was the only image I played the whole show so it was just it was nothing

but my words and then in denial and I could see it for a split second the whole crowd being like what does that have to do

with anything and I was like you'll see hang on we're getting there screens up okay because to have this long an applause break for just saying I'd be like, what does that have to do with anything? Yeah. You'll see. Hang on. We're getting there. Screen's up. Okay.

Because to have this long an applause break for just saying that you're in denial is psychotic. It seems psychotic. You have to know that in actuality there was a picture of me in the Nile River. Thank you. And that you had planned it. Yeah. I got a personal trainer, a personal shopper, a personal assistant, and a personal agenda. You can't shut me up.

You can't dumb me down. Because I'm tireless and I'm wireless. I'm an alpha male on beta blockers. I'm a non-believer and an overachiever. Laid back but fashion forward. Up front, down home, low rent, high maintenance. Super size, long lasting, high definition, fast, oven-ready, and built to last. Now, this is getting so long.

It is, yeah. Was there ever any thought to not doing it anymore after a certain point? You know, I might have. You would think, like, oh, I should probably stop when I get this huge applause at denial. Yeah. But I was like, I got this whole Greek alphabet thing ready to go. And then I cut it way down. Oh, okay. I had an Omega watch, and I eat pie.

Gamma rays. Yeah, x-rays and gamma rays. Okay, pie, that's good. Was there a theta thing? No. Ultimately, no. Yeah, okay. Let's keep going.

Sean, do you want to keep going? Yeah, I do. I. Let's keep going. Sean, do you want to keep going? Yeah, I do. I do want to keep going. I'm a hands-on footloose knee-jerk head case, prematurely post-traumatic, and I have a love child who sends me hate mail. Is that true? It is true. Yeah.

They shouldn't have laughed at that. I was trying to reveal something real. Now you've made these friends, and now you can actually say something to them. Because it's like, I'm not a clown. But that's the curse of the funniness. Is that even when you're not clowning, that people are just like, oh, here's the funny guy. And it is true that it happens to have the same structure, like opposite words. I know.

Was that an accident? It was an accident. That was supposed to be the end of the bit, right? I stormed off the stage when when this when this uh when the taping ended i stormed off and i yelled i i just reamed my manager out my other one of my other managers and i i said like we we only had the nile photo we should have had a photo of the actual hate mail from my love child yeah people understand and say instead of where i'm laughing oh wow i'm laughing and saying, oh, wow.

I'm not just a clown. But that love child hate mail thing was supposed to be you transitioning into a whole new section, and I think that just the timing of it somehow made it feel like it was part of this. Yeah, and then once I realized, oh, they don't care about my internal life. I couldn't trust them as an audience, and I just kept going. Instead, you had to keep going for a long time more. But I'm feeling, I'm caring, I'm healing, I'm sharing.

A supportive, bonding, nurturing primary caregiver. My output is down, but my income is up. I take it short. Back to the output in structure. Again, that must have been. It feels like you are running out of words, basically. You'd think so, but there are a lot more. Okay.

Yeah. Position on the long bond, and my revenue stream has its own cash flow. I read junk mail. I eat junk food. I buy junk bonds. I watch trash sports. What are some of your favorite trash sports? You know, I like when you play basketball with like a rod.

With a waste basket. Yeah, yeah. That's the poop and then it's just like an old melon that you find. The old melon's the ball. Yeah. I play trash sports. Yeah. Okay, yeah.

That wasn't clear to me. He watches trash sports. Junk mail, junk food, I watch trash sports. Yeah. Okay, yeah. That wasn't clear to me. He watches trash sports. Junk mail, junk food. I watch trash sports. Yeah. Well, and it's interesting because you obviously, there's nothing else that has junk in it. I think he said junk. And there's nothing else that has trash in it.

Yeah, it's true. And then just, I do watch trash sports. That's the thing is like a stinky football. Watch trash sports. That's the thing. It's like a stinky football. This is so annoying, but just to me, if I was writing this, and this is why I don't do this stuff,

I would feel like I could say, you know, junk bonds, I got junk mail. And if I wanted to go into trash, I'd go like, I got a trash can, I'm the trash man. You know, like that would be so... I see why you don't do this. And I just go, because it's all fucking just random shit. Like, just make it sound good at least because trash sports hits my ear in such a strange way, kind of against the grain. It seems like you're not familiar with trash sports. No, that's part of it.

It's a growing industry. It's something people watch. You know, I'm trying to... There is a trash sports minor league here in Los Angeles. I'm trying to get... The LA Football Club, I'm trying to

similarly bring a new team to this market for stinky football. Yeah, the LA Stinky Football Club, I'm trying to similarly bring a new team to this market for stinky football. Yeah, the LA Stinky Football Club. And getting kids to play, too. Some of these kids that don't necessarily have the stinky equipment to be able to afford this.

There's a lot of kids who just are too... Their hygiene is too good. Yeah, and we are hopefully going to find a sanitary way to make this stuff stinky because injury is just as – Everyone's familiar with peewee football. But this is – for younger kids, it's peepee stinky football. Peepee stinky football, yeah. I just think injury is such a risk in so many sports,

but in this sport, illness is just a bigger risk. It is. Because you are, of course, often putting a pee-pee football in your mouth. I don't know why the mouth is such a huge part of the game. I, yeah. And there's, like, clothespins on your nose. That's a real issue. A lot of people are getting hurt with that.

Yeah, well, it pinches it so much it's harder to breathe, especially with a pee-pee football in your mouth. That's why your mouth has to be open. But yeah, then they do. Yeah, it's harder to breathe. Well, jamming it in your opponent's mouth can be, I mean, it's a turnover, but ultimately by the end of the game. Yeah, I mean, you're slowly breaking down their immune system.

It's just a smart tactic. I'm gender-specific, capital-intensive, user-friendly, and lactose intolerant. Yeah, dude. It's funny. Like, we're all laughing. I know. I haven't heard it in such a long time. I know.

I'm really proud of this. Yeah. Those are truly four unrelated things. I guess they are two-word phrases. None of them rhyme at all. Gender-specific and lactose intolerant. User-friendly. Mm-hmm.

That's kind of modern. That's kind of technology-friendly. That's kind of modern. That's kind of technology-ish. But, boy, how did you even think of those four things? How did you find that stuff? Where were you when you thought of those four things? At the library in the thesaurus section. And I remember I— How much of this was written at the library?

All of it. Okay. Yeah. They have an internet connection yeah so um i would use up my time looking at pornography and then once they told me that wasn't allowed i would be like okay you're any i need to focus anyway um i'm lactose intolerant so that's where that came from yeah some of the porno stuff was taken out of it. I know you were talking about double penetration on single-payer healthcare or stuff like that. Yeah, that was there.

I heard you were able to print out the website RhymeZone.com. The whole thing. Yeah, that was... Now it is a book. Yeah. It's... That was helpful. Because I can rhyme anything. Yeah, with this magic book.

But what was fun about that one is none of those things you just played rhymed. No. Really. No, no. At a certain point, you abandon that aspect of it, which is such a cool – You know what? It's because I could tell that the audience – I was like, they're going to be on my side. Now you got them.

I'm going to throw these lactose intolerance peoples, including myself, under the bus. Now, one thing about this set I do notice is that you are surrounded by graves as part of the design of this set. Yeah, right. Was that to sort of be like, maybe give me a little leeway on this because I am going to be in one of these very soon. Or was it just a nod to Nick Nolte's show, Graves? On ethics, yeah. He gave me the idea. Nick did.

Nick did. Why don't you put a bunch of graves? And talk like me on the stage. Yeah. So I thought it would be I thought it would be a little gauche

to actually just promote the show itself sure people know your friends sort of an oblique reference to it might be good

yeah okay cool yeah let's play more of it I like rough sex I like rough sex I like tough love

are you worried was that an attempt at a rhyme? Or were you just worried they didn't hear? They were applauding too loud. You just sort of had to get your place again. Yeah. Well, that's also what I was looking up at the library. That's where I was from.

Sure. Sure. I like rough sex. I like rough sex. I like rough sex. I like rough sex. I like tough love. I use the F word in my email and the software on my hard drive is hardcore. No soft porn. Yep, there you go.

F word in the email. Oh, yeah, those are ladders. They are, yeah. Bought a microwave at a mini mall. I bought a minivan at a mega store. I eat fast food in the slow lane. I'm toll free, bitesized, ready to wear, and I come in all sizes.

A fully equipped, factory-authorized, hospital-tested, clinically proven, scientifically formulated medical miracle. Okay. Hospital-tested. All right. I've been pre-washed, pre-cooked, pre-heated, pre-screened, pre-approved, pre-packaged,

post-dated, freeze-dried, double-wrapped, vacuum-packed, and I have an unlimited broadband capacity. At the library. Yeah. Okay. Unlimited broadband capacity. And all the other stuff begins with pre. I love pre.

You love to play with the words that have pre in them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I guess there are a lot of those words in these modern times. So loud. Loudest applause. I'm a rude dude, but I'm the real deal. Lean and mean. Cocked, locked, and ready to rock.

Rough, tough, and hard to bluff. I take it slow, I go with the flow, I ride with the tide, I get gliding my stride. Driving and moving, sailing and spinning, jiving and grooving, wailing and winning. I don't snooze, so I don't lose. I keep the pedal to the metal and the rubber on the road. I party hardy, and lunchtime is crunch time. I'm hanging in, there ain't no doubt, and I'm hanging tough over and out.

An amazing bow that you took when it was, to show that it was at last over. So just, let's just talk about lunchtime and crunch time. I'm so glad you focused on that, yeah.

Yeah, I know that you for so long were looking for Punch time is crunch time. I'm so glad you focused on that. Yeah. Yeah. I know that you for so long were looking for the big punch. You know, what is going to – and obviously over and out. That's sort of the denouement. Right, right. Of course. But what is the climax of this thing going to be? And if I'm not mistaken, I remember being on the phone with you when you were working some of this out at the library.

Yeah. You started from crunch time. You had crunch time already. Yeah. Talk about getting to lunchtime. Tell me that journey. It's so funny because I toured for months saying, brunch time is crunch time.

Okay. And it just wasn't working. Yeah. And it just wasn't working. And it was, again, it was Nick Nolte who was just like, that's not correct. A modern man waits until... Nick is so generous with that stuff. He really is because he said, think about when you're actually crunching.

Wow. It's lunch time. It's lunch time. Lunch time. Yeah, exactly. So I can't do it. I don't do impersonations. Yeah's lunchtime. It's lunchtime. Lunchtime. Yeah, exactly. So I can't do it. I don't do impersonations. Yeah, I know.

I just do Kermit the Frog better than Hayes. But, yeah, I love that. You would think maybe that you started from lunchtime, just hearing it because it comes first. Well, that's what touring's for. This was, I mean, this whole segment was easily five times longer. And then it's just about pruning. Taking exactly what works, the stuff that's total slam-dunk material.

Yeah, and making sure you don't take anything out that would make, for example, like rude dude not work. You know, things that like a modern man would say. I wouldn't say. You are, of course, a rude dude. This is not a slam dunk to me. This is a Bigfoot slam dunk rainmaker. Yeah. That's right.

Wow. So and how do you go forward with a set after that? I guess you talk about this? Mm-hmm. It's a Q&A after this for about 40 minutes or so. Just people, and it's people asking about specific... Right. Plays on words, but also just...

Yeah. You know, how do you even... You know, I'll act stuff out. Like, people say, like, can we see the rude dude? And I'll be the rude dude character. Right, the rude dude, like, ordering a coffee or something. I'll play a Bigfoot behind the graves, hiding. Engineer Sam, you had a little, like, sample that was inspired by this

that you wanted to do for Joe, right? For him to give notes on? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is that right? Are you ready? I'm happy. Like, rough sex. That sounds like what was you ready? I'm happy. I like rough sex. That sounds like what was in the...

I mean, that was in it. That was in it, yeah. Is the rest of it different? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. I like hard sex. Okay. I like intense sex.

Okay, that... I like strong, forceful sex. Okay. Starting with hard sex, the next thing you're going to want to do is to say you like a light meal. Yeah, or possibly I like soft serve. Yeah, soft serve. That's right. I guess light is not really the opposite of hard.

You guys should probably steer away from me. You've got to let me get to the rhyming pattern part of it. Okay. I'm so sorry. I like strong sex. I like choke sex. Okay. And then I like strangle sex. Okay. Oh, I'm so sorry. So like heart, I like strong sex. I like choke sex. Okay. And then I like

strangle sex. Okay. This is, none of that rhymes. I guess it does. I mean, it's much like you're saying.

But it rhymes like Gucci and Gucci. You're a little pumping this thing. But Sam's a little younger. Well. So that's it? Yeah.

Oh, okay. Do you want to give him notes or this could be helpful for everybody? I feel like Sam's more of a postmodern man. Oh, wow. A postmodern deconstructionist. Yeah, he's not adhering to these rules. Like you were saying, I keep waiting for like, well, what's the light? Yeah.

What's the release? If you're into choke, what are you releasing? Or is that it? Does anyone have any questions? Okay, well, I've done that. Okay, so it's similar. I like this. Wow, okay.

Nice to see the next generation taking some of the stuff that you're doing. It's funny because what that bit was is basically how I use the internet. Yeah. I go to a search engine and I rev it up. Yeah, you've really got to wind it. Got it. I get that clutch. Yeah.

And I'll just type in, like, I like choke sex, for example. Right. We should talk after. Seems like we have a lot in common. In the search bar, you start your search with I like. Well, I don't want to get anti. Right. I feel like I'm letting the search engine know that I like this thing.

So don't show me anything saying this is bad. How helpful were lists of antonyms when you were doing this? Huge. Have to be. I mean, that's kind of the secret sauce to the thing. I can write a million things, but it's like this isn't interesting unless I think of an

immediate antonym. Yeah, you can start from anywhere as long as you can find the opposite. So you can go, I picked a sweet potato from a sour patch. Exactly. That's good. It's so funny to hear this. So this will be huge for you. Well, yeah, because everyone's going to want to buy the album

and try to memorize this song. I don't see the strategy because this is not my special. But who cares once they buy it? That's right. song I don't see the strategy because this is not my special they will have bought it at that point once they buy it that's right yeah then it's just

they just go oh okay I guess this was a different special what might happen is they might go and buy another one yeah

tell them to buy my other album yeah they must think they got the wrong album oh yeah you thought it was that one it's actually this other thing

and then they just keep looking and then eventually you put this on one of your albums what's he gonna do yeah he's in the graves And then they just keep looking. And then eventually you put this on one of your albums. What's he going to do? Yeah, he's in Graves.

He's on that show? Yes. Yeah. He plays like the vice president or something, I guess, because Graves is the president, I think. Yeah, Graves is the president, and he plays like the – I think he's the president's speech writer. Oh, cool.

Yeah. Oh, wow. Imagine. It's kind of like that. Well, imagine. Yeah. The state of the union is strong. Mm-hmm.

And something is weak. I mean, I don't have it. No, you don't have it. I don't have it yet. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I should just watch the show. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I should just watch this show.

Well, yeah, you'll love it because so much of the president's speech is just doing sort of like opposites and terms. So thanks for coming on the show. Leaving Las Vegas is like the opposite of coming, I guess. Yeah, yeah. I'm working now in my head on these president of coming, I guess. Yeah. Yeah. I'm working now in my head on these president speeches, you know? That like an episode of Graves would be Nick Nolte coming out being like, I'm a big chief with a small queef. I got a tall hat, but I'm short and fat.

This is good. That's like Lincoln. Yeah. Okay. This is good. That's like Lincoln. Yeah. Okay. Cool. Bye. Bye. This has been an Earwolf production. Executive produced by Scott Aukerman, Chris Bannon, and Colin Anderson.

For more information and content, visit Earwolf.com. For more information and content, visit Earwolf.com.