Hollywood Handbook - Joe Mande, Our New Comedy Special Friend

Episode Date: December 10, 2024

The Boys welcome back JOE MANDE to discuss his new special which airs on Hulu this Friday.Get a Hat Pack Hat here!Watch the video of today’s episode at Patreon.com/HollywoodHandbook Li...ke the show? Rate Hollywood Handbook 5-Stars on Apple PodcastsAdvertise on Hollywood Handbook via Gumball.fm See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Starting point is 00:00:00 This is a HeadGum Podcast. People throwing parties, ugly sweaters everywhere. Stockings hung up by the chimney with care. It could only mean one thing. McRib is here. At Participating McDonald's for a limited time. It's just like... It's just like, public opinion matters and us being like honest in like evaluating behavior and like evaluating public figures, like it matters in terms of the behavior
Starting point is 00:00:56 that we get out of people. Like telling the truth about this stuff matters. So- Go off, I so agree with this. Hayes, before you even get into the specifics of what you mean, yes, daddy, that is, that is daddy talking.
Starting point is 00:01:16 And that actually means so much more to me because I know you're being honest with me. And now that's- Well, and that's what we said we were gonna do. And that's a little reward for me to encourage me to have more ideas. That's a little treat. And it's influencing me.
Starting point is 00:01:32 It's having a real influence on me. And this is what happens in society writ large with our public figures. And to that end, and this is all I'm gonna say about it, the guy who shot the guy is not that hot. Well, but okay, so wow, and I wish I hadn't gotten out in front of agreeing with you because he's Luigi Manicotti is mother. I said he's not, I said he's not. Luigi Manicotti is mother. He's not mother. And there's no. He is not mother. He's not that hot. He takes care of his body. He's shredded.
Starting point is 00:02:05 It's a little bit try, it's a little bit meticulous. Excuse me, I'm sorry. The guy looks like one of the guys from Glee or something. I mean, really abs popping. The way sometimes they would take their shirts off on the show Glee, their abs would pop out and their muscles would be very defined. It does kind of look like that.
Starting point is 00:02:30 And I remember seeing an interview with one of them where they said they dehydrated themselves for a week for that shot. He's not doing this. He's in the middle of a hike. This is a candid basically. Yes. Backpack on in the jungle.
Starting point is 00:02:44 I'm sure he lost water on the hike. I bet he was, but I bet he was drinking it too. I mean, those guys preparing for Glee don't have the luxury of going on a big hike and then immediately shooting. No, they're just working with professional trainers and choreographers all the time. This is a typical spoiled Hollywood elite opinion
Starting point is 00:03:01 of just like, oh, it's a luxury for him to be hiking. He was probably doing something for peace out there. You know what I mean? And I don't want to hear about his Twitter likes or any of this. I'm just saying. Just every, you don't know, I accidentally have liked so many problematic things.
Starting point is 00:03:18 I didn't say he wasn't above average looking. He's just not that hot. Well, thank goodness. Well, he was only, he's only been a public figure for 18 hours. You know what I mean? So you think with more time, maybe we can. To me, he almost looks like Jimmy Garofalo. So this guy, I think he is hot
Starting point is 00:03:39 for someone who killed somebody. Who killed, who did a murder. This is absolutely. For a murderer? This is what we're experiencing. You remember the hot mugshot guy? You remember that guy? Yes, yes. And everyone was like, he's hot
Starting point is 00:03:53 because you don't expect to see him in that scenario. That guy was a lot hotter. Yeah, he had beautiful eyes. He was much hotter than this guy. Well, and Ted Bundy's a fox. The Menendez brothers, I mean, what are we talking about? I've been getting a lot of comparisons to Jeffrey Dahmer. Are we saying they're bad looking?
Starting point is 00:04:12 I don't know if those. Yes, and you're a nice looking guy. I don't know if those are meant to be flattering or not. Well, Dahmer was out there thirst trapping. I mean, he was scooping him up. He was literally trapping. He was a fucking living honey trap. It was not, you know. And this guy didn't use seduction at all.
Starting point is 00:04:28 I just want to point out. Like it just wasn't a part of the episode. No, he did not lure the CEO back to his home for some, you know, illicit sexual activities. But he seemed to, he just walked right up to him. He seemed to know he was more than typically handsome to show his face to the hostile worker who turned him in. Right, who was flirting with him.
Starting point is 00:04:51 That's his one mistake, was showing his beautiful face. What do you think that was for, to get a discount or something? Probably, yeah. Yeah, discount, discount double check. Right? So I think it's a positive that we've discussed it and I think we all landed in a good spot,
Starting point is 00:05:14 which is, Hayes, I agree that he's of above average looks and then at a certain point when we all know that's true, it does become about personal taste. Right, and his last name is Manicot. Yeah. Luigi Manicotti. This society is. Whether he's mother.
Starting point is 00:05:33 Looks obsessed, and if we are gonna be so consumed by just the surface appearance of people, let's just get it right. Let's be disciplined about this stuff Please what I think is Writing the little words on the casing a little extra and This is like everyone just like yeah I'm a little extra people are acting like no one has ever done stuff
Starting point is 00:06:05 like this before, like obviously I didn't do like the main thing, but I have gone to McDonald's with a backpack full of my ideas. That's basically all I've done for about the past 15 years. Right, I mean that's what people do when they come here. They get off the bus. Yeah. With their screenplay ideas, and they go to McDonald's.
Starting point is 00:06:27 That's the whole city of Los Angeles. The entire city of Los Angeles is just people with a backpack full of ideas eating McDonald's. And no one is saying that they're mother. No. People have used that word about me, but it's usually followed by another less flattering word. They call me a motherfucker is what I'm saying.
Starting point is 00:06:49 And, and, and, and that's usually the word I hear. And so for part of that, I'm going, Oh, Oh, Oh, yeah. Okay. Again, I got to stop following. They should call him. When we want, they should call him the vigil. Auntie. He should call him. They should call him the Vigil Auntie.
Starting point is 00:07:08 He's Auntie. He is Auntie. It's so nice to have Joe back. I love having Joe here. Joe Mandi. Thank you for having me back. It's really so often I don't know what we're doing and when Joe's here, I have't know what we're doing.
Starting point is 00:07:29 And when Joe's here, I have a little bit of an idea. I certainly know what we're trying to do. And I think we're getting closer and closer. The aim is at least clear. A lot of times I have to fucking people come on the show and your friends are some of them, so don't repeat this. Of course. I don't get it.
Starting point is 00:07:43 Yeah. I don't know. Why do you don't get it. Yeah. I don't know. Why do you book them? Kevin does it. Oh. And we're supposed to do one. We're supposed to do it. We have to.
Starting point is 00:07:52 Yeah. Mm-hmm. No, okay. I mean, I don't know the business model. We have to do this one. Right. But this one, I kind of like know what it's about. I don't know the business model either,
Starting point is 00:07:58 but I know that we have to do it. Okay. Well, I mean, I just appreciate the platform that you're giving me. And something I wonder about is if people, maybe people just haven't tried just not doing it. I think it's possible that as a business model, that would also be fine.
Starting point is 00:08:15 It's just like no one wants to be the first one through the wall. Of not having a podcast? It's innovation or having a podcast but not doing it. You don't do it. So we were to say, people go, did you stop doing a Hollywood handbook? I go, well, Hollywood handbook's still going. They go, when's the last one you recorded?
Starting point is 00:08:33 And I go, well, we're not doing it. I mean, it adds a mystique for sure. I think that would probably, but again, the people are a little scared to innovate like that. We have had a few, I can think of a few people actually that have had a podcast for a few years that they didn't do, but I'm not gonna name names. Yeah, I'm thinking of a couple now too.
Starting point is 00:09:00 Let's talk about the new special. Let's talk about how we're gonna talk about the new special because let's get everything straight, let's get the headphones on so they stay on. Thank you, just take a deep breath. Yes, I am. You got a crazy energy right now. Did you drink a Magic Mind before you came on here?
Starting point is 00:09:19 I drank, Celsea is with a Magic Mind in it, so I am. The devil's cocktail. Well, no wonder, man. I'll we're in for a treat then, because when you get crazy, it's actually with some of your best stuff. Thank you. Yeah. And so thank you for having me. Uh, again, um, I am here to promote my, uh, my second hour long comedy special.
Starting point is 00:09:45 It comes out Friday. It's a second? Yeah. Long? And an hour long? It's my, so there each one hour long. He does this, I knew what you meant. It's one hour of seconds.
Starting point is 00:10:00 Yeah, the hour is comprised of many seconds. And you gotta watch it twice. I mean, if you wanna like really appreciate it, yeah. Comes out Friday the 13th, which is kind of freaking me out. That's pretty spooky. Re, re, re, re, knife stabbing. Yeah. Dude, you're sick, man.
Starting point is 00:10:19 I actually like that, Friday the 13th, that's cool. Did you, that's your idea to have it be scary? Yeah. What if in Trap, the movie Trap, they were, instead of going to see the famous pop star, Blanca Azul, or whatever her name was, they're going to see Joe. Oh, that's interesting, Trap 2.
Starting point is 00:10:44 They're going to see Joe, Mandy do his hour log special. That would be interesting. I think the trap would be a little more obvious because I could not sell out a basketball arena, I don't think, at least not right now. Maybe after. So you think Josh Hartnett's character, even just seeing how many people were there,
Starting point is 00:11:05 were like, this is a trap. This is a trap. Joe Biddy. This place is huge. This feels like a trap. I like him, they'd say. This is a lot of people. Teenage daughters, like, why are we here?
Starting point is 00:11:20 The concessions guy, yeah, she's like, I don't wanna go to this. Yeah, I can, it's 21 plus, usually. The concessions guy, yeah, she's like, I don't want to go to this. Yeah, I can. It's 21 plus usually. The concessions guy starts telling him that the butcher is here and it's a trap, and he's like, I know, it's like obviously a trap. Trap two, laughter's the best murder sin.
Starting point is 00:11:38 Dead-a-sin. Dead-a-sin, yeah. I just saw that movie. Did y'all just see that?cent. Yeah. I just saw that movie. Did y'all just see that? Yeah. Okay. What'd y'all think about that? Freak your bean?
Starting point is 00:11:53 Freak my bean. Bye bye bean. Do you know that was his daughter? Freak aside. Yeah, yeah. Wow. Say who you mean. Josh Hartnett. In the movie he has a daughter.
Starting point is 00:12:08 Yeah, and that was his daughter. And it took me so long to realize that. I don't know if that's his daughter in real life, but the girl that's with him for most of the movie is his daughter. That's his daughter. Yeah, someone leaned over to me and was like, that's his daughter.
Starting point is 00:12:20 Okay, that's nice. I don't know you? Guess that was the twist, I don't know. Thank you, but thank you. But I don't know you. Yes, that was the twist. I don't know. Thank you, but thank you. But I don't need to hear anything else from you in this movie, but thank you. Joe?
Starting point is 00:12:36 Yeah, what's going on with the special? So the special, yes, it comes out on Friday. I'm very excited about it. I produced it. I directed it. I'm very proud of it. What does produce really mean in this context? I mean, producer is right. It's just you.
Starting point is 00:12:55 Slapping your name on it. I mean, I paid for it. Oh, okay. We'll just say that. That's producing it. Yeah, yeah. So. But what does that even mean?
Starting point is 00:13:03 Just like, it's just, you pay yourself, it's just you. No, no, so what is that even I mean just like it's just yeah, you pay yourself It's just you no no a lot of money went to other Like a crew of people to produce. I guess they produced it Technically I just fund so I funded it. I directed it you underwrote it. Yeah, you insured it Didn't sure it yes. Yeah and then it's not it's gonna be on Hulu. And-
Starting point is 00:13:28 Is there a little before part? There's a tiny, yeah, there's a introductory sort of- Is it part of Huluween? It's- Cause it's Friday the 13th, so is that part of Huluween? I was desperate to include it in Huluween, but they said it was too far after Hulu. Wean, but it is because Hulu wins us last
Starting point is 00:13:47 month or the month before. Yeah. It's been a while since Hulu. Wean, but I, um, it is, I'm not allowed to, it's not Hulu, Hulu, Rios, but it, I, it, I think it's Hulu. Rios. It's Hulu, Hulu, Rios.
Starting point is 00:14:01 Hulu. Rios. Yeah. But I'm not technically allowed to be part of the Hulu, Hulu,reus? It's Hulu-reus. Hulu-reus. Hulu-reus. Yeah. But I'm not technically allowed to be part of the Hulu-reus category. It should be Boo-lureus to be able to, because it's Friday the 13th.
Starting point is 00:14:15 Because it's Friday the 13th. Hulu-reus, yeah, so it's Boo-hulu-reus. This is all I have, and I almost wish I wasn't gonna say it, but some area of like the Hulu that you do, so well, it's a spell hell makes me want to stream stream stream. And that would be sort of a shoot parody called stream. I like it. Okay. And uh, leave it in Kevin, turn on the TikTok camera, But it's just a tiny little before part. Yeah, yeah.
Starting point is 00:14:45 But I- I like that part. Drones, I use drones. Oh wow. Okay. So I'm starting to see- Drone of interest. You really had to lay out for this thing, huh? Yes, yes, yeah.
Starting point is 00:14:56 I'm deep underwater on this thing. Okay, and you're piloting the drones as well? Damn dude. So that's the stage. From the stage, I don't know what I was thinking. Yeah, so pilot lessons, that cost me a bunch. The drone, got state of the art drone, technically military drone.
Starting point is 00:15:14 Well, your policy too was, I won't make a drone do anything I wouldn't be willing to do myself in a manned craft. So you had to really like learn to do it. Yep. And so it's like that's, which is noble because some people treat these drones like, oh, let's crash them this way and that.
Starting point is 00:15:32 No, no, you gotta. It's like, no, no, no, no. Were you ever kind of nervous that like, are people laughing at the drone? Is the drone eating? Yeah. Yeah, there were times where I was like. Oh, the drone eat it.
Starting point is 00:15:45 Were you singing a drone song that I miss? Drone, drone, drone, drone, drone, drone, drone, drone, drone, drone, drone, drone, drone, drone, drone, drone. Drone, you know how to fly. Was not a camera crew. But just swimming from the sky. So like the drone is like flying around. Maybe it's flying around in funny ways.
Starting point is 00:16:13 So like people are laughing and like maybe it's lining up with your stuff but like maybe after it's been like damn, that drone eat it. It was mostly ADR. So like the drone's doing its own thing. Doesn't match my mouth whatsoever. So I had to go in and it was a drone 80 out there. Yeah. Uh, but, um, very, very, very proud of this work.
Starting point is 00:16:34 I it's been seven years since my last special 80 ADR could stand for, um, after dinner reprieve because the drone ate so much. Yes. That drone 80R to food. Yeah. Yeah. But the special, I mean, look,
Starting point is 00:17:03 you were talking a little bit about How much more professional the special was going to be yeah, I mean I it's it's it feels strange to Be sort of proud of of a work of comedy You know what I mean? Like I wanted to be more serious this time around don't do that We don't do that to yourself though. Just, you know, I don't like to see you diminish your own work. What I'll say is I'm happy to hear it's more professional
Starting point is 00:17:35 than the first one. Yeah. Just because. You can be honest about the person. Look, you're a funny guy, man. I mean, you're hilarious, you know? Hilarious. Hanging out with you is hilarious, I'm laughing.
Starting point is 00:17:47 But a special is supposed to be something special. And so like the funniness, the hilarious, the hilariousness, I can get that from hanging out with you or hanging out with anyone. Everybody's funny. That's definitely true. I'm laughing all day long. Everyone's funny.
Starting point is 00:18:04 But when I turn on a comedy special, I'm laughing all day long. Everyone's funny. Yeah. But when I turn on a comedy special, I need a little something more. Exactly. And the first one didn't do anything. Right. And I understand it's like, it's protecting yourself to just be like,
Starting point is 00:18:16 here's some bullshit, I don't give a fuck. Yeah. Oh, you like this? Fuck you. I barely even did it. Yeah, and that was the first one, and so this time around, uh, the second, uh, made of seconds, um, this is the one where I, I put care and thought and time and effort into it.
Starting point is 00:18:37 I'm getting, I'm getting a little, uh, hungry for the comedy of it because it sounds so delectable. Yeah, yeah. Knowing that you put the extra care and effort and that the chef has prepared a special meal just for me of comedy. And promoting it to you've come here in the past and you didn't have anything to show us really.
Starting point is 00:19:01 Right, and so this time around. What kind of a fucking piece of crap. No, I did not want it to be like that this time. And you know, like I said, it's been seven years since my last special. And I think it'd be an understatement to say quite a few things have happened. In the past seven years?
Starting point is 00:19:17 Yeah, let me check. I think I've got seven years worth of bingo cards. Right, they are stacked up and I'm ready to cash them in. So this is me going to the front and showing all my bingo cards. Right, they are stacked up and I'm ready to cash them in. So this is me going to the front and showing all my bingo cards and I've weighed in on all the issues and I sent Kevin a few. That's awesome, man.
Starting point is 00:19:36 Thanks. That's awesome, Joe. And I sent Kevin some clips. So like just this time around, I thought, you know, we'll treat this more like a talk show or something where we can discuss clips from the special that I'm primarily, that I think are the best of the best. Kevin, and you have these?
Starting point is 00:19:59 I do. Okay, and you're gonna show these on here? That's right. Okay, all right, great. Okay, and you're gonna show these on here. That's right. Okay, all right, great. And I can't say enough how proud I am of this. Of the work.
Starting point is 00:20:12 Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I'm excited to dig in, you know. And watch. San Antonio! Wow. The world died weird, but we're all together! Wow Thanks coming out folks! Thank you very much, appreciate it! Now you have something called
Starting point is 00:20:50 Now you have something called You don't have it when you're talking now So I've heard of vocal fry So I've heard of vocal fry This seems to be like a deep fry Like inches of oil Like inches of oil In the back of your throat.
Starting point is 00:21:07 Well, it's actually a vocal grill. And you can hear it hitting the individual grates, the voice going over each of the bumps on what seems to be some sort of three-tiered barbecue pit grill. This is what my manager sent? That's right. So, Kevin, this is what my manager sent? That's right.
Starting point is 00:21:24 Okay. Yeah, so I guess my, that's right, my voice, I do have a sort of persona on stage, yeah. Which is great. I mean, you know, ultimately, we don't expect you to be the exact same person on and off stage, because you're doing a performance. Right. You put it on a show.
Starting point is 00:21:44 And like I said, things are weird. The world did get weird. The world got weird, but we're all here together. We're all here together. And you would think, well, the world got weird, we must be apart. Even though the world got weird, we are all in a room in Texas.
Starting point is 00:21:59 The world got weird, so that would make me think, well, we must be in different rooms. Surely we weren't in this room. Yeah. And I don't know if you noticed, but it was important to me that you saw me pull my phone out of my pocket and place it on the stool. That was, I needed people to see that.
Starting point is 00:22:17 That's part of my process. He's got a phone out here. He's got a phone. But he's not gonna be using it right now. Yeah. Or if he is, he's gonna pick it up off the stool, not from his pocket. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Starting point is 00:22:31 So that's sort of the opening. This is my new home state. I've been living here for four years. I fucking love it. Now you do that everywhere you, everywhere you perform, you've that everywhere you everywhere you perform. You've seen you do it here for four years. It's look, it's a little trick.
Starting point is 00:22:50 And I actually do think you live here, but now I wonder if it's because I've seen your performance that you've lived here for four years. It's not like a joke about presidential terms or something. I'm not going to like explain the joke to you, but just yes, it's a trick of the trade. People when they see live shows, they like to think that you live amongst them. So, one in Texas, you know what I mean? I'm living here, I'm never moving.
Starting point is 00:23:17 The only adjustment I've ever had to make is Texas weed. Uh oh. You think it's the same. Texas weed is different. Worse or better? Because Texas weed is grown on Texas soil. It is? Oh no! And I believe this soil has memories. Because if you smoke too much Texas weed, you're like... We gotta give this land back. Dude, what the fuck did they do? I heard that every Buc-ee's is built on an Indian burial ground. That might be misinformation.
Starting point is 00:24:01 Don't say you heard it from me because I am known for that shit. Bucky's where I take all my friends from California. Wow, we've gone through a lot of different things. So let's stop and talk about the last three things. Okay. Number one, is that tree really smoke weed like that? I mean, it's a bit of a, you know, exaggeration, but you do tend to.
Starting point is 00:24:30 You didn't exhale at all. You just, you did a big inhale. That's how you do it in Texas, dude. Texas weed makes you hold it in. You just kind of keep it in there forever. Texas hold'em. That's where that comes from. Texas hold'em. And the soil that comes from. Texas Hold'em.
Starting point is 00:24:45 And the soil has memories there. I do believe that, I do believe that. That's where they did stuff. That's why the weed from Texas makes you remember stuff from the Texas soil. And that is the only adjustment you had to make when you moved to there from elsewhere. And we've done horrible things to indigenous peoples.
Starting point is 00:25:12 In Texas. In Texas, mostly. Texas is the place where that happened. Yeah. Specifically. Okay. And there's Buc-E's, which is the store, correct? Buc-E's is a sort of convenience mart,
Starting point is 00:25:25 but they make jerky as well. They have the store there now, that's. And I just thought, you know, this is sort of chum for Texas residents, but at the same time, I did a lot of research and they are all, they are built on Indian. Something I wanted to talk about is, as we watch this,
Starting point is 00:25:46 I like to always take a step back, and that was sort of the initial purpose of this show is to go, wait a second, why are we laughing right now? Right. And as I noticed us laughing at, is buckies a funny word? Yes. Absolutely, yeah. But also it's the store. And other places that you go,
Starting point is 00:26:10 if you don't have time to research and be like, what's the place that's the store here? You can just say the store. I heard that every the store here is built on an Indian burial ground. Sometimes I just say Bucky's. When people say, why do you like this place wherever I am? I take them to the store. Look at this. Bucky's. When people say, why do you like this place wherever I am? I take them to the store. Look at this.
Starting point is 00:26:27 Bucky's is a funny combination of sounds. So sometimes I just lean on that. What's another example of that? Like the weed in Kansas City. Kansas City. Kansas City. Is more, is very powerful. Is weirdly grown on Missouri soil. And the Buc-E's is here.
Starting point is 00:26:53 So much I take them right to Buc-E's. I'm like, Behold! Behold the kind of gas station possible in the land of the people who conquered the Comanche. Have you never been to Bucky's before? Bucky's is like if you were in the middle of a cocaine binge, and you decided to make the ultimate gas station, and you fucking did it. You really did it. You got to pile your dad's oil money like,
Starting point is 00:27:23 I want to sell Ky-X! Can you pause it? Now you've already done two different drugs. Well, yes, yes. They just sounded the same. The audio of them was similar. The audio was the same. You still don't exhale, but you, I just,
Starting point is 00:27:42 Drugs is just breathing in, isn't it? If you think about it, yeah. Huh. But I will just in my defense, the second drug was more of a hypothetical. Something you think when you're on Texas weed thinking about the inception of a Bucky's. So you said a little bit about your process, but I do wanna dig into, because writing, inception of a Buc-ee's. So you said a little bit about your process, but I do wanna dig into, because writing,
Starting point is 00:28:10 part of it is word choice. You talk about Buc-ee's being the funny word. After you said, we've gotta give this land back. Every Buc-ee's is built on an Indian barrow. Right. And then the land,'s is built on an Indian background. Right. And then the land, this is the land of the people
Starting point is 00:28:28 who conquered the Comanche. You're having, so you were getting, we're getting more and more specific to the point where I would think, because it's, you know, never reach for the ketchup, reach for the Heinz. Right. Yes, yeah, yeah.
Starting point is 00:28:42 So I would think we may be getting down to just naming individual Native Americans is the only place really to go for me, and I don't wanna get ahead of your special, but that's the only thing I can imagine. We seem to be heading there very fast. Well, just wait, just wait. Okay, I don't know if I can.
Starting point is 00:29:01 And I love, I love, love, love, love, love, love, love the Buc-E's because I knew it was the store, but not everyone does. Yeah. And we've called it a gas station and then we go, so first we say, it's, look what a gas station can be. Yeah. It's like a crazy gas station. And then we go, if you don't know what Buc-E's is,
Starting point is 00:29:20 Buc-E's is like, imagine if you wanted to make a crazy gas station and you did. Yeah, and you know what, it's great as an opener. Well, it doesn't demand too much of me because the thing I've imagined, the next step is just like, I guess I just keep imagining. You got, I mean, if you don't know it, then it's more just a thought experiment.
Starting point is 00:29:44 It's not imagine if you wanted to do this, but this happened. No, no, it's imagine. And if you go to one, it exists and you'll kind of, it'll be similar to what you imagine. Yeah. Whoa. Hollywood handbook.
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Starting point is 00:36:05 How come you can't vote here? If you could vote for Trump at Bucky's, the aliens would land. They would go, what the fuck are you people doing? Pause. And are they're mad because you can only vote for one guy there? The aliens? You brought them up, so yeah. Well, the aliens are waiting. The aliens are waiting.
Starting point is 00:36:34 Am I, so my belief is that- They're mad because you can vote for Trump at Bucky's? Are they mad or are they finally happy? They love that we're voting for Trump. It's just that they don't plan on actually making contact until it's allowed in a gas station. In a Buc-ee's. Yeah, that's what I want,
Starting point is 00:36:55 because it is confusing, because the aliens apparently are waiting, they're watching. There's a time at which they're going to land. We've all agreed on this. That's when the aliens would land. So they're hanging out and they can see everything. They haven't landed yet.
Starting point is 00:37:10 They haven't landed yet because we can't vote for trumpet buckies yet. They hate vote by mail. They hate it. I know that for a fact. And they hate that they're mostly in, you know, elementary gymnasiums, voting stations, they're way too municipal.
Starting point is 00:37:28 What we need, I think, is Indian, there is a connection between burial grounds and aliens. And the Chuck Norris action genes. I can feel you're circling something. But the aliens don't land and say something that clarifies what they want. They say, what are we doing? What the fuck are we doing here,
Starting point is 00:37:49 rather than like, finally, or like, now we can party, or something like that, to be like, it's good. They say, what the fuck are we doing? They're not happy with it. So then it's like, they're waiting just to come down and scold us, which they're not ready to do yet, because we can't put it, I just,
Starting point is 00:38:06 I just love it. Thanks, and it is, what makes it fun for me is that these things are open to interpretation. Well, and it started so simple with, I only had to imagine something, and then just the next step was just that I did it. Like, Right. Like, imagine you wanted to sit on the couch and you did it and you did that shit.
Starting point is 00:38:36 And I go, oh, okay, I'm there right now. You know, there was no turn. There wasn't like, but then this happened. So then this with this is like, now, so first I go, oh this is easy, and then I go, wait a minute, I got some work to do. It suddenly became very challenging for me. Hold on, we're gonna play this game, we need some rules.
Starting point is 00:38:58 That's fucking cool. And it's unclear to me, if people want aliens to land. Is that, you know what I mean? So you kind of leave it open for both of your audiences, the ones that do want the aliens to land and party, and the ones that do want them to land and be mad. And the liberals who want to vote in a Buc-E's. Right.
Starting point is 00:39:24 I know those people exist. Oh yeah. I hate them. I'm very invested in aliens being real. If they're not, I'm gonna feel so fucking stupid. I've had so many dumb conversations about them. I think the dumbest argument that aliens aren't real, people go, if aliens are real,
Starting point is 00:39:43 why don't they just land on the White House lawn? Oh, well when you go fishing, do you check in with the president of the lake? No, you just trick those dummies with fake food and then you pull them out by their lips and take pictures of them and you drop them back off in the water and they're like, what the fuck just happened? The exact same thing they understood. Stop it real quick. So I wanna talk about that, but I also wanna talk about some of the message you're sending with your outfit here. Right.
Starting point is 00:40:15 You have two buttons unbuttoned on your shirt. You have two buttons unbuttoned on each of your sleeves. Yeah. And your shirt is in tucked, but we think about sublibial messaging of, that you very like, if the pattern holds, which I think it does, you do have two buttons unbuttoned on your jeans.
Starting point is 00:40:37 Uh-huh. Yeah. I mean, what else could be, when you have some kind of fastener, you have it partially down. You gotta, because it's about comfort for me, but it's about intrigue for the audience. It's not just the buttons, but I feel like there's something
Starting point is 00:40:58 kind of exciting and dangerous about wearing a light-colored shirt made out of such light fabric that you're wondering, is it gonna stay dry? And that is sort of just a sub-plot. Not really wondering that because it is already kind of wet. It's a little bit wet. Okay, I... Yeah, it got a little wet, whether it was before you came out
Starting point is 00:41:27 or immediately upon coming out. But there's some moisture. But there's a little wet part right there that we can already see. Okay, yeah, you know, in retrospect, it would have been nice to have two buttons open sort of in the under, on the side. Under each breast.
Starting point is 00:41:40 Yeah. You could, they should make sure it's with a little, or at least like a valve of some kind, like a trombone, where you could press a little button. Just let it leak a little. Yeah. But I am, like I said, I'm very proud of the outfit as well. No, I think you should be,
Starting point is 00:41:59 because if you asked me to guess what you were gonna wear, I never would've come up with this. Okay. I never would've said this. Yeah. And what's nice is, I've seen you wear all kinds of stuff on your other shows. Yes.
Starting point is 00:42:12 And what, I know you think this is like your good clothes. This is my best outfit. You're clearly stepping it up from your normal clothes that we see and you're wearing something nice for us. No, if you play football in the parking lot in these clothes, you'll be in trouble when you get home. You're not allowed to do that. In these, you have to change.
Starting point is 00:42:31 And I know you picked this. If I see you walk out with this, I'm like, he picked this. Yeah, right. This was a decision I made, and it shouldn't go unsaid that I have so much money. You're kind of famous for having a lot of money. I just want to talk about one sentence though. I think the clothes are interesting,
Starting point is 00:42:58 but there's one sentence that I think is so important and a technique that you've discussed before, which is when you say, the dumbest argument against aliens being real is, duh, why don't they just land on the White House lawn? Which, you always say, hey, if you've got an incredible comeback, like a just, a fucking razor sharp,
Starting point is 00:43:30 like just a pure evisceration that's hilarious, you know, to an argument that no one has made, you make the argument. Right. And just lay it off on dumb guy. And so it's like the dumbest argument that blanks. So if you've got a really funny response to something, and you do, and you do, you've got a really funny response to something,
Starting point is 00:43:59 it doesn't matter if anyone said it, you say it and say they said it. And it's a true argument that you're making, which is like aliens, like superior beings wouldn't communicate with us. They would just- They would not have a firm grasp of our- Social hierarchy, whatever. Governmental construction.
Starting point is 00:44:17 They would just come and do stuff to us and like with no regard for us. And they would make sure they did it like we do with fish in a very, very secret way. So no one ever sees it happen. And that was important to me because the act of fishing is a lot like alien abductions where you're randomly casting tractor beams into a basket.
Starting point is 00:44:44 Well, you're baiting them with fake food. Yeah. You're baiting them with fake food. Yeah. randomly casting tractor beams into a vast amount. Well, you're baiting them with fake food. Yeah. You're baiting them with fake food. Yeah. But in a way, it's very important that the fish can never prove that this ever took place. Right.
Starting point is 00:44:54 There are virtually no witnesses ever. There's no failed attempts. Right. And there's no possible documentation of this ever happening. And that's sort of my point. Because we're very careful about this when we fish, don't we? Yes, and that's important to me because the dumb guy asking,
Starting point is 00:45:10 why don't they land on the president's lawn, the White House lawn, it's, well, do you know where the president lives in the lake? Aliens don't know where the White House is. That's part of the act of abduction. You don't know where the White House is. That's part of the act of abduction. You don't know where you're growing the line. But Joe, but Joe, but Joe, in the same way that jazz is about the notes that you don't play,
Starting point is 00:45:35 there's something interesting in that you don't stop to posit to this, you know, dumb guy that we've brought up. They wouldn't even necessarily be focused on the United States, even if they were coming to a leader. You actually do cede that ground to him. Exactly. That they would be coming to America and that if they were going to be, you know,
Starting point is 00:45:58 invading, that they would be landing on the White House lawn if the dumb guy's premise was true. You don't do any of that. You just go straight to, hey man, when I'm fishing, I don't exactly ask who's the president of fish. Of the lake. I'm hungry.
Starting point is 00:46:16 Of the lake, yes, yes. No, that is actually, it's the notes you don't play. And your shirt is the color of a cartoon trumpet from like a children's book. Yeah, that was sort of what I was. So it is sort of like jazz. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, what I'm taking from it
Starting point is 00:46:36 is maybe sending a little message about your relationship status because your shirt looks like a Kraft single. So maybe there's a, wait a second. Maybe there's a lady in the audience who looks at that saying, oh, maybe he's a single, his shirt certainly is. You wanna see this cheese get a little wet?
Starting point is 00:46:58 Mm-hmm. That's right. Yeah. Cheese can sweat too, my friend. Sometimes it is a little wet under that thing. Yeah. We got a craft single and we've got a single craftsman up on stage.
Starting point is 00:47:11 Thank you. Plying his trade. Dude, us! I think aliens look at us the same way we look at Waffle House fights. They just observe, like, what the fuck is going on here? If you can come here from another planet, you really think you're gonna want to talk to Biden?
Starting point is 00:47:31 Take me to your leader. I got hairy legs. My uncle got eaten by a cannibal. Come on, man. I think if I was an alien I would treat him like a friend. That got a cheer. That was very inspiring for people. Yeah, well I mean.
Starting point is 00:47:55 Well first of all, where'd you go? Exactly. Where'd you go? I know, it is. Hey wait a minute, I thought there was only one comedian on stage tonight and then this whole other guy popped up. It sounded like they were very proud of you. Thank you.
Starting point is 00:48:10 Because that was kind of a, that was a little out of your comfort zone, wasn't it? It was, but I had confidence in my impression. You did? I did, yeah. Okay. Yeah. That's really good to hear.
Starting point is 00:48:24 That's really good to hear. That's really good to hear. There was definitely confidence in your expression, which is a face I've seen you go to a few times already. Which is this sort of, and it's this sort of pose. It's like squatting down. Yeah. Kind of crouch or squat and kind of arms out. Sort of a sumo squat almost.
Starting point is 00:48:44 Chin tucked down, you know, below the throat sort of eyes out and like, Hey, like, and it's very open. It's very inviting. It's like here accepting all laughs, you know, all comers looks like Joe Biden. He does do that. I guess I never really know, it's one of those things that you don't notice. Right.
Starting point is 00:49:09 And it's just like part, so much like a part of the fact. Like his hairy legs. Like the hairy legs. You don't notice his hairy legs as much. But now that he says it, it's all like he. Try not seeing his hairy legs. That's the exact same thing when the aliens do. I wouldn't give a fuck who's in the Pentagon. I would find some dude cooking meth
Starting point is 00:49:26 in the middle of Arkansas, and I'd teleport him up into the spaceship and explain to him telepathically that time is an illusion, even though you can measure it, and that all human beings are the product of accelerated evolution, put here to give birth to A.I.
Starting point is 00:49:41 And then I'd drop him right back off in the woods. And I I say, now go tell someone, bitch. Go tell them how I touched your butt. What, what's that all about? The alien anal probe, we all know. Why do we know that? Stop it for a second. Well, I got-
Starting point is 00:50:04 You were a little surprised by your own concept. Because in the moment, I was like, wait, am I an alien or Joe Biden right now? I kind of lost where I was. Well, but you also just went so far beyond, because you had introduced me to the technique of sort of laying the dumb guy stuff. Yes.
Starting point is 00:50:23 I hadn't seen you counter the smart guy before. Who's actually the alien, who's all knowing, right? And saying, oh, and playing 3D chess with humanity, giving the information only to our- To a drug addict. Yes, our worst citizens. Arkansas. And that's-
Starting point is 00:50:49 Arkansasians. Yes. Arkansas, Arkham Asylum. Wow. Yeah. So, but then at the end, and tell them how I touched your butt, wait a second, what was that?
Starting point is 00:51:07 Wait a minute. Cause you don't. What's that about? We all know about it. We all know it. We all know. We all know that. So that's sort of, again, the notes not being played,
Starting point is 00:51:19 it's the notes you know have been played. Right, well, you know, we can't talk about this without talking about Cartman. Right, and that's. Cartman getting in the probe. The foundation, yes, right, and so people know. And maybe the first episode of South Park, I think maybe the very first one in like 1996 or something.
Starting point is 00:51:45 Sure. And they sort of comedically explored this idea. And he farts and fire comes out, doesn't it? Something like that and maybe ultimately some kind of robot or something come out. But, and then the topic has been comedically dormant since then. But so have you. A sleeping guy.
Starting point is 00:52:08 I mean, it's been a while since you've done one of these specials too. It's been seven years, right. The last time you were doing these things, at the very least you were seven years closer to the Cartman Gets An Anal Probe episode of South Park. Exactly, yeah. But it felt like now's the time to reference it on set.
Starting point is 00:52:28 And then go tell people about it, bitch. It is notes that you have played and when you think about music, they're using mostly notes that we've heard. Exactly. Just the order you put them in. I've never seen this transition. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:52:43 Why is that always a part of the story? Because I think it makes the story more ridiculous. Makes people less likely to believe. Can you pause it for a second? Yeah. I'm not challenging the premise at all. The idea that this is always a part of the story, I do. It's at least hard for me to remember the last time
Starting point is 00:53:09 I actually heard someone say, I was abducted by aliens and they- Analyzed, bro. Well, you're not talking to the right people. It was maybe Cartman and that was almost 30 years ago. Yeah, yeah. I think you need to talk about aliens to more people because it always comes up
Starting point is 00:53:26 It always comes up and it hasn't happened for 30 years when it was happening. It was coming up Yeah, and so this is true. Yeah, and It's actually he's getting us to something really good Joe Thank you give you credit for this which is they're intentionally doing this They're not looking for anything in your spot. Like we do with fish, I guess. Yeah, like you know how when you pull a fish up, if you're gonna do catch and release,
Starting point is 00:53:51 what you do is you tell them a lot of things that are true about living underwater and things we know that the fish don't know, but then you also like molest them essentially. So no one believes the things, the true things, that you're telling them. Because then it's like, oh there goes, and I'll use Nemo's dad's name,
Starting point is 00:54:11 but there goes Marlin again. You don't go for the president of the lake, you go for whatever the aquatic version of it. We intentionally do not catch the president of the lake, because we're avoiding that, because we've been watching it. The same way we watch Waffle House fights. We want the other fish to think this fish is bullshit. Did you say that the fish's name was Marlin? because we're avoiding that, because we've been watching it. The same way we watch Waffle House fights. Did you say that the fish's name was Marlin?
Starting point is 00:54:27 I did, for the purpose of my example, I used Nemo's dad's name. Oh, Nemo's dad's name. I was gonna say, that's a really good name to pick for a fish, because it is a kind of fish as well. Right, yeah. Well, and if the fish was a comedian, his name would be Marlin Rando.
Starting point is 00:54:45 Marlin Waynes. If he was a humorist. Marlon Waynes. Well, if the fish were a comedian, it probably would be Marlon Waynes. Right. Marlon Waynes is a comedian. Yes, he's a comic performer, certainly. What if somebody believes him? Put something in his ass.
Starting point is 00:55:06 Make him love it. Make him just jizz all over him. Oh, Jesus! Oh, God! Imagine if you have your greatest orgasm ever on an operating table on a spaceship. Oh, Jesus! You're gonna leave that part out! That's his greatest orgasm ever.
Starting point is 00:55:17 That was brave. Thanks. Your story's always gonna seem suspect. And, you know, because I always wonder, is my greatest orgasm the same as everybody else's? Yes. Cause I'm always like, oh Jesus! Oh no!
Starting point is 00:55:31 And you know. Oh God, oh Jesus! I'm just, I'm realizing now just, it's funny to, when you're doing it, you're in the moment, you don't really. You don't necessarily step back to think, is everyone else's orgasm like this? Right,, you don't really. You don't necessarily step back to think, is everyone else a sarcasm like this? Right, and I didn't really, there's no connective tissue
Starting point is 00:55:50 between me mentioning a stranger putting something up my ass and cumming so hard. Like I need. Yeah, you don't connect those dots. No, no, so it does let everyone know that. There's a quick piece of dental floss run between the two ideas, which is make him love it, make him jizz all over himself.
Starting point is 00:56:14 But it's done as if that's already sort of there for you. Yeah, yes, yes, yes. And it's something to make sure that nobody will believe him because I guess he'll talk about that it was an anal probe, but he'll leave out that it was his best orgasm ever. Because they do want him to talk about it. Oh God, Jesus! Right, because that is shameful,
Starting point is 00:56:37 and you need to keep that part. That part out, but it'll always seem suspect because I guess people will kind of know. You can't let people know that you enjoyed that. And it opened like, and this is, you know, something like it's fine to leave this out. I think it's like, you could just ask the question of like, why just not tell them anything at all
Starting point is 00:56:55 if you don't want them to. Yeah, cause they do want. If you don't want it to be believed. What if he tells someone? No, no, they will also. So why not leave it out? Why not not do any of this? Why not leave it out? No, no, they will. We also, so why not leave it out? Why not not do any of this? Why not leave it out?
Starting point is 00:57:07 No, because. Because you're leaving out the orgasm. They've never talked about the orgasm. No, you're forgetting. No, but they're not talking about it because it's. The alien said go tell everyone, bitch. The alien said go tell everyone, bitch. But you don't want them to know that it's real?
Starting point is 00:57:18 But then he said, but then you said, why did they put something up his ass? And then you said, well, they are going, what if he tells someone? Well, put something up his ass? And then you said, well, they are going, what if he tells someone, well, stick something up his ass, make him love it. But then no one has ever talked about it being the best orgasm they've ever had, but they do always talk about the anal probe part of it.
Starting point is 00:57:38 Why don't they leave the anal probe out if they're ashamed of one piece of it? If they're already leaving out that it was the best orgasm that they ever had. Then we're picking and choosing. And I'm still a little stuck on why are the aliens worried that he'll tell someone when they just said to go tell people, tell everyone about it, bitch. You know, it is.
Starting point is 00:57:55 And they're picking people who they think you won't believe if they tell intentionally, the same way we do with fish. Uh-huh. That's the problem. This is honestly why I don't like fishing is when you catch a fish. It's got very psychologically weird. No, no, no, exactly.
Starting point is 00:58:13 And this is why I don't fish. This is why I'm laughing. When I fish. Why do we fish like this? You fish. Why do we do that? You catch a fish, you take a photo, like I said, you anally rape the fish and it comes all over you.
Starting point is 00:58:26 And I just, it's messy. It doesn't say the words, but it does do kind of like, ah, ah, ah, ah, Jesus. Yeah, and I hate when fish do that on my boat. But you have to do it, because otherwise. They won't believe. Their story won't seem as suspect when they leave out that they came so hard right what people yeah because people will if you just say they'll broke apart people
Starting point is 00:58:58 be like is that all that happened surely surely you nutted. Isn't it crazy though? Harder than you've ever nutted. Seeing this is such a relief for guys like me who, and I don't know about you, but like, the first time you are intimate with a girl, or whoever it is that's sticking stuff up your ass. Yeah. And you get to that, like that moment of truth where you're going to go, Oh, you're always wondering like, is this going to scare them? Am I about to really scare them?
Starting point is 00:59:45 Because that looks scary. Like, I know I'm doing it. You're, it's an out, you're in, you're, it's out of body. It's out of orbit. Like that's where you're at in that moment. And that's what I was trying to convey, honestly. And you can see how this would be an inspiration to young men the way it has been.
Starting point is 01:00:05 Yeah, that, you know, and this is why I think I'm People don't, they don't talk to us like this. I'm one of the most influential men. People in the world. In history, yeah. With the greatest reach. And that's why, and this is why I'm excited. The most followers. And it is, it is exciting.
Starting point is 01:00:21 And the least accountability. People at the last lost presidential election campaign were saying, well, she didn't talk to you. She should have just talked to you. And that's what would have made the difference. And now I'm thinking maybe she was afraid of nutting. Right? Maybe she got one of these probes and you'd have to go,
Starting point is 01:00:47 oh, is that all that happened? Right. What you ask. Right. You sure? I got a feeling you actually came from it. Is what the public is saying. That's how they get our DNA, you know?
Starting point is 01:01:02 That's how they get come out of donkeys. Amen. Can I just say, it is like, you know, it's, you know, DNA investigators, but they're just like getting DNA at like a crime scene and things like that. They do have to get someone to like blast off everywhere. Like it's not, it's not the most glamorous part of the job.
Starting point is 01:01:25 Maybe it is, it just depends on how you look at it. Right. But like if, I've seen a lot of them, a lot of these investigations just end up just kind of going nowhere. Cause they're like, well, nobody, nobody jizzed all over the place in here. So like, what are we, what do we have to go off of?
Starting point is 01:01:43 That's where you get DNA. There's no other way to find it. And even for like a pretty advanced society, that's how are they going to get our DNA? Well, we've got to shoot. Yeah. Well, it's Fear Factor. Thank you very much. Thank you very much. Thank you very much. Thank you very much. Here's a true story. Fear factor was cancelled because we made people drink donkey cum. So I think I'm the only guy in the history of Hollywood that...
Starting point is 01:02:14 You don't think of certain things as a turning point in history when they happen. The people that did make that decision were probably like, how... I mean, this seems like a no-brainer. How could this possibly go wrong? history when they happen. And the people that did make that decision were probably like, how? I mean, this seems like a no brainer. Like, how could this possibly go wrong? Right. Right. But if we just keep fear factor, go just keep him doing this for.
Starting point is 01:02:35 I honestly. Did you know when that got done? It was a godsend. OK. Yeah. It lost a job because people had a drink come. Usually that's how you get a job. First of all, it wasn't my idea. Okay, I just worked there. And the way Fear Factor would work. So can you stop it?
Starting point is 01:02:54 Yeah. So you're the only guy in Hollywood that lost a job because people had to drink cum. You made a series of strangers to you drink donkey cum. And that wasn't your idea as you established. But you were involved in it. I just worked there. But that's usually how you get a job.
Starting point is 01:03:17 Yeah. So, I love it. So, I understand the general area of some people, the casting couch cliche, right? Trading sexual favors for employment. So is it usually that I would get a job by making someone drink animal cum? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Only guy who ever lost a job in Hollywood?
Starting point is 01:03:55 You get the job from drinking the cum. But that's not but that's you were you were doing got a job. So you're intentionally trying to get people to drink the cup. You're intentionally making language. You say, I'm the only guy who in Hollywood who lost a job because someone had to drink cum. Oh, so then I guess you have gotten that around it, but the someone was. What I, someone else, what I intended to say it wasn't yours I was the first person to lose a job
Starting point is 01:04:28 For making someone drink in it. That's right in a cum drinking sin. Yeah, I had the I in the power dynamic I'm the one feeding the cum so that that's that's on me. That's on me. I didn't mean to cause any confusion That's accountability. Yeah, we could use a little more of that in our politics. Yeah, okay Show up every day. They would give me a script what the contestants had to do That's accountability right there. We could use a little more of that in our politics. Yeah. Okay. I'd show up every day, they would give me a script of what the contestants had to do. I would read it and go, what the fuck? But on one day in particular,
Starting point is 01:04:54 it said they were playing horseshoes to see who had to drink the most donkey cum. And I said words that I never thought I'd have to say. I don't think you should make people drink cum on TV. When I'm the voice of reason, you got a really fucked up program. And here's the thing, they had buckets, like Home Depot, buckets of cum.
Starting point is 01:05:22 And I'm like, how did you get that? You can't just have that. You gotta tell me how you sourced it, okay? You gotta be real clear right away. We got laws. Okay? So I have- Like, something I really like is,
Starting point is 01:05:44 like we've talked about, you have had so much stuff happen to you. And this was before the last seven years. You sat on this story. Like, I actually forgot I did this. Until I mentioned it. You sat on this story for so long. I was like, oh, right, I was first sort of famous for this. There's so many recorded hours of you talking.
Starting point is 01:06:10 Yeah. Is this the first time you're telling this story? But you just stayed very grounded in just kind of skipping over so much, meeting all the most powerful people in the world, becoming one of them. Yes. And all the fighting stuff, there's like different fighting things,
Starting point is 01:06:32 that must have been kind of crazy. Oh, I'm cute, I love fighting. Do you remember the news, like do you, or do you only remember stuff from kind of like a long time ago? Yeah, I. You know how sometimes people, when they like get a little older
Starting point is 01:06:47 and they're like talking about stuff that happened a long time ago very vividly, but... Fighting, but hitting the head a lot. But I had been talking about calm. You were, yes. So this is just sort of a natural progression. Well, and it looks like you're wrapping back around to like this, the way that aliens are getting calm
Starting point is 01:07:04 out of the abductees, the way that aliens are getting come out of the abductees, the same way we do it out of fish. Yes. And you're asking the handler. There's also how we do it out of the duckies. You're asking the handler how you get it out of the ducks. How did you get it? Which I think anyone who saw animal come would go,
Starting point is 01:07:18 how do you get that? Yeah. You know? And you're assuming that the person holding the bucket also got it out. Administer, yeah. Okay. Yeah. You know? And you're assuming that the person holding the bucket also got it out? Administer, yeah. Okay. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:07:29 Yeah. Because we have laws. Maybe that's like a, and that's a labor thing. We have laws. That's what I was like. Only the extractors like actually cut something. I can't believe when they made you say something you never thought you'd say.
Starting point is 01:07:39 And it was very specific. Yeah. Yeah. I thought it was gonna be something more like, Very specific. Yeah, yeah. And it was. I thought it was gonna be something more like, guys, this is too far for me or something. Like I thought it was gonna be sort of a vaguer,
Starting point is 01:07:53 but it was actually. Just the thing I had. A lot of the words that we had used already. That I had already said, yeah. Yeah. Ask the handler. I go, how do you get it? He goes, take a cattle prod
Starting point is 01:08:03 and you stick it up the donkey's ass and you shock his prostate and they just bust. Okay, see, it comes back. Now you're a director. Yeah, so I. This is director Joe here. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. You did a little zoom.
Starting point is 01:08:19 The drone must have scared you coming right after. Right after bust. And your face does look very scared of the camera just kinda coming toward you. It was scary, it was scary. Yeah, and not too much of a zoom. I specifically said make it look like it's almost an accident. It's kinda in between a choice and an accident.
Starting point is 01:08:44 Especially for that specific moment It doesn't seem totally necessary like a like a push No, especially like you said cuz I've been making this face throughout and saying this same basic sentence over and over again. Yeah And I was like whoa that is so fucked up and then I was like, what does that feel like? What if it's your favorite thing It's just like that guy. Yeah, just like that guy right we are talking about that again Yes, and it is a big what if. This hasn't happened yet.
Starting point is 01:09:30 Your favorite thing, you gotta keep that to yourself. No one's gonna understand. You know, they ask you, what's the happiest day of your life? The birth of your child, like, eh. That was pretty good. But one time I got abducted by aliens. They stuck the finger of God up my ass and I jizzed out of every cell in my body.
Starting point is 01:09:50 And I've been chasing that dragon ever since. I'm on my rooftop every night with a flashlight going come back. Come back. Come back. If they're real and they're watching, if they were gonna come, I think they would have come during COVID. You know, it's just good to see everybody having a good time. The country's almost back to normal before World War III. COVID was just so strange. You know, and I, what I like, what I like is that I, it's, it's unclear what I mean by that would have been a good time for aliens to show up.
Starting point is 01:10:29 And we don't have time, but I get the feeling that you are not gonna come back to why aliens would have showed up at that time. I get the feeling that you're just gonna talk about COVID. COVID being a strange time. Because you had said that aliens would land if you could vote for Trump at Buc-ee's. Yes.
Starting point is 01:10:49 And that doesn't really connect to me. Not at all, because COVID was obviously sort of a lockdown scenario where no one was going to Buc-ee's at all, I don't think. No. So, yeah. Well, they may have been going to Buc-ee's. But even so.
Starting point is 01:11:09 Yeah, yeah. It just doesn't feel like the, to me it sounded like being able to vote for Trump at Buc-ee's would be a jubilant time. Yes. And that's when he thinks the aliens would land, and yet during COVID when it was a little more of a time of tension, that's when he thinks they would would land. And yet during COVID, when it was, you know, a little more of a time of tension, that's when he thinks they would have landed.
Starting point is 01:11:27 You would have been smarter. But you, but. Yeah, Joe, let's stop saying he's right here. But you think that they're going to come, but the one time they would have come, if they were going to, they didn't. They didn't. So they're not gonna come.
Starting point is 01:11:42 But what's great is that. If they were gonna come, they would have come during that. But then you're gonna feel so stupid. It doesn't matter. You had so many conversations about it. What I'm trying to say is that it's so great that people are outing up. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:11:53 People are having fun. Yeah. And aliens are not gonna. Uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, am I joking, am I not? What, you know, but he's, yeah. Yeah. That's, yeah. We lost a lot of people during COVID
Starting point is 01:12:08 and most of them are still alive. Ooh. Yeah, right? Right? There's a lot of people that I don't fuck with anymore. Before COVID, I would have told you that vaccines are the most important invention in human history.
Starting point is 01:12:26 After COVID. Yeah. It wasn't a boo per se. No, it was people that were that were sort of feeling around in the boo area. They were. It was, you know, and I think it was a boo. They that were sort of feeling around in the boo area. They were It was you know, and I think it was a boo. It was definitely approaching a boo I think it was a boo. That's the thing is that I want to make clear that they were not booing me I don't know. They were booing the people that
Starting point is 01:12:59 That we lost When he said that vaccines were that we lost. And most of them are still alive. No, they were booing him when he said that vaccines were important. But that's the people you lost. My former belief that- They were booing a you from the past,
Starting point is 01:13:11 two you from the present, who now has learned. Yes. That vaccines actually were bad. Yeah. And just, what's cool is that there's 58 more minutes. We really, we did just start, didn't we? Wow, it's so, so early. That was nine out of 67 minutes.
Starting point is 01:13:40 But it felt longer. Wow. Thank you. What a special Joe. Thank you. You really special Joe. Thank you. Really. A lot to chew on. You really did. I didn't mean to.
Starting point is 01:13:49 So this comes out on Huluween Friday the 13th. Friday the 13th. I'm so glad you got paid so much money. Thanks. That you have transformed the culture in so many ways. And I'm glad we stopped. For a number of reasons, I'm glad we stopped. I'm so glad that everyone's saying, let's find another version of you.
Starting point is 01:14:04 Yes. That's right. And I just think that just from hearing a few minutes of your written material, I go, well, this is the mind I want kind of exploring these intricate topics because you're just approaching it from a different way where like, I don't always see the same connections that you do or any at all sometimes,
Starting point is 01:14:28 between the things that you're talking about, and that lets me know. And is that not like being a fish and getting caught by unseen, those are the comments from the past. I don't know, I mean I can't explain it, I can't rationalize it, but I'm all in, man. I'll follow you to the ends of the earth. I means a lot like
Starting point is 01:14:50 Spent nine hours a week listening to your shit Mm-hmm. Uh-huh. Okay, like we're like pay not only to see you but anyone you've ever talked to right? Mm-hmm like that immediately is one of my guys. And I just, and I'm a big believer in paying it forward, so I would hope that anyone even vaguely associated with me, you would feel the same. I'm celebrating them. That's what I'm saying.
Starting point is 01:15:19 Any connection. I don't need much. And I'm willing to go like a couple connections beyond that. People that have talked to those people, but have never even talked to you, those are still... I've done my job. That means so much. And I appreciate you guys stopping now because it saves some material for when people go on Hulu.
Starting point is 01:15:43 And my shirt is mainly dry right now. And I just want people to. It's still mostly dry for sure. So, and I just wanna leave some, something for the viewer. That's awesome, that's awesome, bye. Hollywood handbook. That was a hate gum podcast.

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