Hollywood Handbook - Joe Mande, Our Southern Fried Friend

Episode Date: August 20, 2018

Comedian Joe Mande joins The Boys again to talk about his new stand-up style.This episode is sponsored the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration ( www.NHTSA.gov ), hims ( www.forhims.com/THEBOYS ), Blue Apron ( www.blueapron.com/HANDBOOK ), and Harry's ( www.harrys.com/HANDBOOK ).See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. And we're doing a 40-year-old virgin-style makeover on Bobby to get him back out there. Yeah, the game has changed. And he is getting— I'm trying to use this Tinder. Exactly, exactly. I'm swapping all over creation. I remember being Lonesome Dove. I don't remember being just Lonesome Dude.

So he— I wish a woman being just a lonesome dude. So he – I wish a woman would show me some tender mergies. It's exactly – yeah. It's like – yeah. Did I tell you? Well, anyway. He's getting waxed. He's getting waxed.

Yeah. And it's funny. Mm-hmm. But it's painful. Interesting thing about that scene and this story, it's this big joke, right, that the painful waxing is something this man has to go through once. Meanwhile, we ask the women in our culture to do it just about every day. Yeah, it's funny that we go through it one time with our friends. Oh, yeah, great funny scene.

Yeah, well, why don't we think about some of the women in this country who have to do it literally every day. Point it out. Tiesto brought it up, yeah, and he actually said that he was going to do a beat about it, which I'm looking forward to hearing, and I think it could really change some minds. Yeah, he has some very smart beats.

Yeah, a lot of his beats are... Well, this is an overused word, but they're dumb dumb woke. The drop is something of a knowledge drop when it comes. It's true. But anyway, Bobby

as he's getting the wax sheets ripped, initially is just making normal pain sounds, but then starts to shout out pop culture references. Okay. You know? But older ones. So he's like, yay, Karen Black!

Okay. So when he was in his late 40s. Yeah. Okay. He's going, so like, for when. Walter Rathow. So when he was like in his like late 40s. Yeah. Okay. Mm-hmm. So that's sort of what's making him go, Cabongo banana nuts. And that is how he ended up in the hospital.

And wait, this was not a licensed waxer. And I guess the wax they were using was not regulation or something. And it was taking off. Part of why it was so painful for him is it was taking off some of his bones. Because I saw him post like a photo of him in a hospital gown. Yeah. Just being like, just another day being me. in a hospital gown yeah just being like just another day being me oh yeah and everyone's like and good attitude about it yeah yeah yeah what's wrong well

what's wrong is it was the wax was taking some of his bones off hey welcome to hollywood handbook insiders god king but drop means we're gonna cover up uh we what up what up uh like to put a little bit of separation between guests. Yeah, we want four weeks. Yes. But Joe Mandy was on the show recently. We played some of your material. Right. We just sort of picked it apart.

Inside the mind of the comic it's a true inside joke looking at all the glittering facets of it well and you're a craftsman okay talk about your tools you don't use a hammer and saw do you? you use your mind

and your wits and sometimes like a pencil ah yes and this is the stuff that we need you for. Mechanical. The comedian's pencil. Oh, a mechanical pencil, that's your choice. It's a little more industrial.

When you're using those, the resistance goes away and the lead just pushes back down into the pencil. I love that. I do. I like to get to the point where that happens, and I know I've done my job. It's almost like the pencil is telling me to relax. Time for bed. It's like when you see somebody with glasses.

You assume they're smart. It's like they must have used their eyes so much reading or whatever. Well, this is like that where it's like you see somebody who's pencils shoving back inside it. You go, oh, this guy must be a really good writer. Yeah. Yeah. And you got in touch with us. Right.

Yeah. You begged to come back. I did. Thank you so much for having me back. I know of the four-week rule and I'm pushing it. Yeah. Well, we're right at the edge. Yeah.

And we normally would have said, well, we're right at the edge and we normally would have said, hey, no way. No. Hey, cut it out. We would have said, stop this. We would have said, have some respect for yourself.

You're begging. This is pathetic. But we didn't say that, did we, Joe? No, no, you were very nice. You said, come back on. You said that you have a big listenership in the American South. Well, and this is a moment of synergy because you, of course, are about to go tour and do stand-up. Yeah, I'm doing a number of shows in the American South. Yes.

I originally confused. I thought like South America, which is a different place. I didn't know that. That is how I said it. We do have a lot of fans in Brazil who tell us, come to Brazil, sweetie. They want us to do a show. Daddy. Come to Brazil, Daddy.

Yes. Yeah. Yes. That's a different place. That is different. Okay. But this place, we also have people loving it. Okay, cool.

Yep. And so, and I always love the, uh, some of these crazy town names they have down there. You want to say some of where you're going in the South? Uh, yeah. Uh, Nashville. Oh, okay. Nash and your teeth. Yeah. That's August 26th. Okay. Uh, and then there's a place called Athens. I've heard of Athens. Yeah, me too. And I was excited. Yeah, they used to get up to some interesting business there. Honestly, if you study history, the way humans sexually are supposed to live.

We have these rules now. Yes, we have these false sort of societal. And these arbitrary numbers like age. Yeah. That is now suddenly illegal. Yeah. Well, maybe not. I mean, I don't.

It's just magically after one day, suddenly the number turns over. Oh, now everything's okay. It's like, well, that doesn't seem like a good system. No, it's dumb, and I'm bringing it back, and I'm going. So I think that's how things work in Athens, Georgia. Yes. And then I go to a place called Char Lot. Wow.

And Durham. It's all burned up. Just a charred lot? Yeah, dude. Charred lot, North Carolina. Okay. Well, that's crazy, those names. And wasn't it fun to hear that?

So what I wanted to sort of talk about today, because we do have a big Southern audience. They don't know when they're being made fun of. Yeah, they don't know the difference. Really? Yes. Yeah, they just like the attention. They don't know whether it's good attention or bad attention.

Yes. And they love our shit. These fuckers eat it up. Speaking of eating things up, Bosh does not have a squeaky toy today, but it is worse. He has a cow hoof, and he's doing big crunches. He's eating a whole hoof. Yep.

He's eating the hoof. And I may, when we get home, smear a little peanut butter inside the hoof. Whoa. Don't tell Bosh. And Engineer Jordan is here as well, we should say. Hi. And give a what up, what up to our audience, Engineer Jordan. What up, what up.

And give us one of your famous noises. Jordan does sound effects. Any sound effect you want. Something you want to hear, Jen? Yeah, what do you want to hear? Like a witch cackling. She has a degree in vocal performance. So this should be good.

Whoa. Very witchy. Please don't ask for scary noises. We should warn the people who are driving right now. That could come off the side of the road. There's a witch in the car? Yeah, that is a really scary idea that I now am going to have. Good luck unseeing that image.

Thanks, Joe. A witch in my car? But since you're back, we wanted to, you, I guess, wanted to workshop some of your new material. Well, that's exactly what I'm doing, yeah. So I'm very excited about it. And you are a craftsman and you craft it for the audience. I really do.

You don't just do the same set in one of these metropolitan big city, Buffalo, New York or whatever that you're going to do in Chard Lot. Yeah. You've got to switch it up. So I think that's really smart. I think that's really cool. Do you want to talk a little bit about the idea of the comedy that you're doing? I mean, I think it kind of speaks for itself.

Okay. Speaks for itself. I don't know. I don't want to say there's a huge philosophical arc behind any of it. Okay. There is. There is, but I don't want to say it. You don't want to say that. You want me to say that.

That would be weird for you to say. Some of this shit, man. I just sit back. I just look at the speaker and just trip out on these ideas, man, when I listen to some of this shit. I close my eyes and kind of hold my hands over my eyes so it makes kind of a swirling effect.

That, I feel like, is the best backdrop for some of the shit that you're laying down. I actually encourage audience members to really just rub their eyes as I'm talking. Yeah. So they see, they get the visuals. It's like a freaking laser light show for free. I go to float downtown, get in the

sensory depth tank, and I shut off everything, every sense, except my ears, and I hear the comedy, and I go on this voyage into your mind, really, which is an infinite universe. And how does that – and you bring in like your phone in. You got to sneak it in. They really don't want you to have anything in there. And it's way louder in there.

That's why, because it's so contained. Yes, exactly. But that's what it would be like inside your brain your voice would be very loud definitely and so you're kind of swimming around in joe's brain is your voice your own voice or do you do sort of a ways thing inside your brain where maybe you have something funny you can choose a different voice uh giving you the jokes. It's honestly like a witch's voice. Okay. That's why I asked. Okay, no wonder. You want everybody else to feel as scared as you are. Yeah, all the time.

Jesus Christ. So should we get into the clip? We have a 20 minute clip. I think we'll get through the whole thing. Okay. Because a lot of it... I don't remember sending you any. We taped your last show. Oh, okay.

Yes. Yeah. We were sneaky. We did a big sneaky. Should we play it? Yeah. Jordan, is this going to blast my ears off? No.

I tested it before. Ah, that is nice thank you so much thank you remain seated remain seated please do not rush the stage well dog gonna get her done. Okay. All right. Talk about. Let's talk about that. Talk about saying that first. Yeah.

The decision to have that be the very first thing that you do on stage. Well, I think just people want to hear it. So just let's get it out of the way. They really seem to like it. Why play around? Yeah. It's not connected to anything. People are there to hear my catchphrase.

Yeah. And the catchphrase means... Again, I don't want to say the larger philosophical point. Okay. That's kind of for you. Okay. The larger philosophical point just the story of where it came from how it came to you who she is that would be interesting for me to know well um well okay so a little insight. It is Mother Earth.

That's the her. Yeah. And unfortunately, we are getting her done. I know. That's what I'm saying. Okay, it does kind of sound like you want people to do that. Yeah, I mean, again, I'm playing to an audience that seems to want that. Yes. I'm not speaking on my...

Gas mowers. Right, gas mowers, exactly. Gas leaf blowers. Gas tractors. Yeah. Right? Yeah. I mean, I would love to be in a world where we had electric tractors.

Hybrid tractors. But, yeah, so it's Mother Earth. Solar blowers. Hybrid blowers. Solar mowers. What is getting her done, you know? Yeah, what's going to get her done? What is going to get her done?

Gaia. Gaia. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah, Gaia. Gaia. Oh, God. What are the odds I'd say that when I come out here?

Pause it. I'd say that when I come out here. Pause it. So you know they want... And you know you're giving them what they want. Exactly, yeah. Talk about... Because I think a lot of bands get this wrong. Like, you go to see maybe Smash Mouth or something.

Yes, all the time. They don't come out and just play All-star and go oh who knew we were gonna play that one not even the whole song just play hey now you're an all-star yeah just the chorus connected to nothing and then just go like did you guys think i was what were the odds which i guess very high since you control that's what. That's what I'm saying. Why are we playing around with this? You know I'm going to do it, and I know you want me to do it. No more games. No, I don't play games.

Yeah, I love that we're in a post-game society. So many comedians will do their entire set, then wait for enough applause to come out and do an encore, for enough applause to come out and do an encore, walk back on stage and then say, get her done. And then walk back off. Why toy with them?

Yes. And you can do it again later if you want. It does piss me off. I've never gotten that kind of response when I was done. So I might as well just start with it. That thing at the end where people clap. You know what else you have. never gotten that kind of response when I was done. So I might as well just start with it. Just do it now. That thing at the end where people clap.

You know what else you have. You've heard of that happening to other people. Yeah, I've seen it in movies. I think it is fake. Well, not to be crass, but it's not like you have sex and then bust a load. You bust a load. Then you have sex.

Then you actually have time to get her done. Then you can get her done. Otherwise you're thinking like, oh man, that's going to happen. No more games. Yeah, please. Let's stop playing games. Let's bust

and let's get her done. Let's bust immediately. Alright, let's hear some of this. Expect that, would you? Spring is in the air. You know how I know spring is in the air? The pumpkins on my porch are starting to stink. You're going so fast. Yeah.

Yeah. It's already getting warm in florida where i'm at good lord i seen a 300 pound woman at walgreens buying sunblock now you don't think she should be allowed to buy that yeah do you feel Is she impervious to the sun somehow? I tend to believe that. I think the larger you get, the harder it is for the sun to hit you. Does that – Yeah. OK.

Do you think tall people should be allowed to buy sunblock? It depends on what they weigh, to be honest. It's more about weight to me, BMI. Right. OK. Yeah. It's more about weight to me, BMI. Right. Okay. Yeah. It's interesting. Yeah, because, again, there is a philosophical idea behind this and also an interesting scientific theory.

Traditional science believes that the skin is kind of just on you. And the more of it you have, the more sunblock you would need. You would need, yeah. But you are here to challenge the way we traditionally see this stuff. Yeah, well, you know, it's just funny to see. You guys are kind of reading into it a little too much. To me, it's just funny to see when people buy things. Yeah, that is kind of cool.

I live for that. I go to Walgreens and I just... You just post up at the store with your mechanical pencil. I mean, I have another version of this where I just say, I saw this tall guy buying Windex. What's he doing? What's he going to spray that on? Yeah, where's he going?

Windows? Yeah, please. You're taller than any window I've seen. That's good. Let's see if you expand on this. Yeah, where's it going? Wait, you got windows? Yeah, please. Please. You're taller than any window I've seen. Yeah. That's good. Let's see if you expand on this. You ought to get a paint roller with that, too. I get it.

You're going to use it. Okay. So that seems like it runs counter to the original joke. Yeah. Well, I felt like I was trying to make a point, and it didn't land, so then I was like, oh, I'll just do it. The opposite. Did you also just see someone buying a paint roller and go like, can I somehow add this to part of my act that already exists? You know what's funny?

Just a peek behind the curtain is that. Because you could say that about the tall guy buying Windex. He should get a paint roller. Yes, right. Yeah. Actually, it's funny. You don't have, sometimes you just kind of have to combine stories. Those were two different people. Two different stories. But it was taking too long. Oh, it's funny. You don't have, sometimes you just, you kind of have to like combine stories. Those were two different people.

But it just, it was taking too long. Oh, okay. And you know, often when you're on the road, you just, you kind of streamline things. And I was like, oh, that fat lady could, she, maybe she was the one that also bought the paint. Oh, okay. That's dope. Yeah.

300 pounds buying sunblock. If you want to block the sun, just take two steps to the left, for God's sake. That's what I was saying. Well, no. That would remove the need for sunblock for her. No, yeah. If anything, it would make her the only person who needs sunblock. Yes, she could get into your sun, but then you wouldn't need sunblock.

But that's kind of, I feel like anyone, you don't need to buy sunblock either. Anyone could just move two steps in any direction. You would save so much money. I've never understood that. When people are like, I need to put on sunblock. Total waste of money. No, you don't. Just walk.

Also, a lot of times you can borrow it. Somebody else will have it. Everyone always has it. Yeah. And most people have paint rollers too. Oh, yeah. Tall guys. Before I begin my comedy routine...

Now, what is the idea there is that you haven't started yet? Yeah, I like people... And it's kind of funny. I like to, like, blow people away. First, I hit them with the punch, like my catchphrase. Then I kind of we kind of joke around. It's a connection where I was like, can you believe I just

did that? And now it's like then I try to talk about the science of not needing sunblock. First you humanize yourself. Thank you. You make them picture the pumpkins on your porch being stinky. And then and suddenly they're kind of in your home.

They're your guests now. I've allowed them in. So even though you're in this massive stadium, you're really on your porch just sort of weaving tails to the neighborhood. Dealing with that pumpkin stink. Gotta tell you this story. We went out the other day. I got drunk and took a cab to my hotel.

And that's the first time I've ever driven a cab, to be honest with you. All right? Okay. Okay. All right. Okay. Picked some people up, made $100 on the way back, too. All right.

All right. But I'll tell you what makes me madder than a blind guy at a silent movie. Okay. Uh-huh. Okay. Yeah. Is that a situation that people are ever in now? Yeah, The Artist. I remember I saw it.

That's where that came from. I went to a screening of The Artist a few years ago. Was that silent? Yeah. I can't remember. Wait, you were just guessing from all the movies that you just happened to pick the one movie? Yeah. I can't remember. Wait, you were just guessing from all the movies? You just happened to pick the one movie? Yeah. Well, I remember sitting next to a...

The Artist was the best movie that year. It was. Unless you were blind. Or Colin Jost. Ah, yes. He thinks that it should be Gladiator. He wanted Gladiator again? Yes.

Oh, can you do that? He's hosting now So It's his It's his choice For TV anyway He gets to pick That would be cool

If he picked Gladiator Right? If Gladiator wins this year If Gladiator wins this year I'll flip That would be like Respect I would

That would be mad respect That would be mad respect From this This bad ombre If Gladiator won Best TV. That would be mad respect. That would be mad respect from this bad hombre. If Gladiator won Best TV Show, I'd be madder than a blind guy. That's these people that text and drive.

Don't that piss you off? It irritates me. It irritates me. It irritates me. And I had my kids with me the other day. Some dude in front of me texting like this almost run me off the road. I said, damn, that almost threw my beer at him. All right?

Okay, so you have been doing a lot of drunk driving. Yeah. You're drunk driving and you stole a cab. Yeah. And made money off this guy's cab. I mean... Talk about that. It's just, look, man.

Life on the road, it gets kind of crazy. It's hard to justify a lot of what you do when you're on the road. I mean, look, I'll be back here in two weeks. And I'll tell you all the shenanigans. All the road dog stories. Yeah. Mm-hmm. All right.

Can we hear a road dog? Ow, ow, ow! It's hurt. Yeah. It got run over. Well, they shouldn't be in the road. Yeah. And that's very dangerous for a dog to be in the road.

Everybody texting and tweeting y'all do that twitter no i do the country version conway twitter all my tweets start with hello darling and that's something he says hell yeah yeah con yeah that's a reference to conway Twitty. Uh-huh. And I've always loved, you know, taking things from, like, my past, growing up listening to Conway Twitty, and then being like, oh, Twitter sounds so much like Twitty. Uh-huh. Yeah, so, yes. Do you, I, maybe I'm going crazy.

As I speak with you in the studio, you seem to have a slightly different cadence. Interesting. Than in the material. Is it a stage persona? Is it just you're so amped up with adrenaline? Because there's drunk. I'm blackout drunk.

And it's hard. It's interesting you say that because I can't hear. I just hear a witch's voice. Ah. And this, like what I'm hearing. Doing these bits? Well, what does it sound like to you? Because this sounds like an evil witch.

Y'all new to Twitters? Y'all needs to text in in Twitters? Huh. But that sounds like a witch to you as well, probably. Yeah. It's all. Interesting. And have you had a curse put on you like a witch to you as well yeah and have you had a

curse put on you by a witch um look I mean it's another road story ah yes stole a cab, driving drunk hit a witch's daughter or something

and then crashed into a gingerbread house at one point. Okay. All right, this is starting to come together. That could go really well in this act. I mean, I don't know. I would leave that out. Okay. My stomach hurts a little bit, too.

I was at the McDonald's and had the McRib two months ago. It's still here, eat the McRib. Why did that happen? Yeah, I don't really... That was crazy. It might not have been related. It was. I mean, I felt... I mean, I had like severe diarrhea. And then I came, I finally like was, I finished and I came out, there was a carpet fire.

A house on fire. Yeah, my house was on fire near that outlet. Near the outlet where the Glade plug-in was. Yeah. So I just imagined that, oh, these must be related. Right. Yes. Correlation is causation.

That's one of your scientific... Like the sunblock thing, you believe that correlation, in fact, is causation. Causation is you just move two steps. Get out of the sun. Could it maybe be that the stinkiness of your poops and farts

from the McRib is forcing the Glade plug-in to work so much harder as Glade plug-ins work? The stinkier the smell, the more electricity they are forced to produce. I mean, the thing that's so brilliant about this technology is they hate the stinky smell. It's a stinky-o-meter. It's a stinky smell. It's a stinky-o-meter. They actually are so mad when there's a stinky smell that they start fuming, and their anger smells very good, or at least very floral. So I guess, yeah, that makes sense, that the Glade Plug-In Witch is sort of a warrior battling stink.

A gladiator. Yeah. Best TV show this year. That's interesting. I mean, I just, again, I love, this is my favorite thing is that I present these stories and then people come up with their own interpretations. Oh, okay.

This is just something that happened to you. Yeah, there was a fire in my house and I was on the toilet. But, I mean, it's so interesting that, okay, this is just something that happened to you. Yeah, there was a fire in my house, and I was on the toilet. I mean, it's so interesting that, yeah, it's a scent warrior. Yeah. I farted so hard you could have parasailed off that damn thing. The McRib. You know what I noticed about the McRib? You only see it at McDonald's two months a year, and then you never see it again.

I figured out why. It takes ten months to hunt down and shoot whatever the hell kind of meat that is in a McRib in there. So it's hard to shoot the animal. Yeah. It's hard to find pig. Yeah.

You acknowledge that it is a pig. Yeah, I mean, have you guys ever seen a pig? I don't see them walking around ever. I mean, it must take months to actually find one. If you were like, Sean, you gotta go get a pig right now, I wouldn't know where to start. Yeah, I think it would take you months. I literally wouldn't know where to start. Months. you months.

Ten months. Where would one even find that? And then to shoot it. For me to shoot it, yeah. And then quarter it. Sell it to McDonald's or something. Figure out how to do that. Give them just the rib part.

And you know what? It would take me more than ten months because I don't want to do it. It would take a few months just to get around to doing it. Yeah. Yeah, to like build up. There would have to be some kind of motivation. Either you would have something on me or, yeah, it would have to be. And we have to do two podcasts every week now.

I know. We were doing two. And then you would be all alone. Yeah, that would be bad. That would be so bad. I think that's what I'm saying. So 10 months. I think probably about 10 months.

Get her done. Yeah. It's not even real ribs. It's meat formed to shape like a rib. You believe it? It's like they got a Play-Doh fun factory in the back of the McDonald's back there. They're forming meat into ribs, which I find funny because anybody eating a meat shaped like a rib, they're all shaped like potatoes. But I like McDonald's.

I do. I go up there. Usually I get the same thing every time. Diarrhea. Okay. do. I go up there. Usually I get the same thing every time. Diarrhea. Okay. Yeah. Yeah, that rocks. So that checks out with your other story.

Now, you were saying that you got diarrhea so bad you stained your underbritches. Mm-hmm. Can you talk about your underbritches a little bit and why you want them clean? Me undies? Okay. We don't do that. Although our southern audience loves our Mack Weldon commercials. Yes, I believe we

the mention of the word undies. I did get in trouble, yes. In an ad. So who knows how many this conversation will force us to do. We did a. So who knows how many this covers April 4th. We did a commercial for Magwell. Well, you asked me. I said undies.

No, I know. I buy my me undies through mystamps.com. And when my movement watch dings, I know that they're there. Then I shit all over them. I don't know. I don't know if that company exists anymore. Does it? Movement?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, they moved right out of the watch business. Related to your comment about potatoes, my understanding is that they do call you Tater Salad. Uh-huh, they do, yeah. What do you mean? What's the story of that nickname? I just like eating it.

Okay. It's not a great story. It's very boring. Yeah, it's a terrible story. Yeah. You know what? It's because I eat it so quickly that a lot of it ends up on my shirt. Oh, so you've basically become.

So it's almost as if I become. To look at you, one would think you had become Tater Salad. Tater Salad. Okay. You're like a Tater Salad. Yeah. It's interesting... Sorry. No, no, I was just saying that was interesting. That's always helpful to me when somebody tells me that their story's interesting

because a lot of times I can't tell. Well, yeah, it's just to really nail it down. Damn. Hey, do uh want to do something tonight a little tribute one of my favorite entertainers jimmy dean passed away a while back last year and i like that old boy so if you doner for the rest of the show? Or less of a boner? Yeah, half of. Okay.

Which took months of practice. What do you like? What's the stuff Jimmy Dean did that you like? I mean, mostly the sausage. Okay, you seem to know him primarily as an entertainer. But then to honor him, you're going to have your sausage. I mean, imagine his music made a profound impact. Music?

Yeah. Yeah. impact music yeah um yeah and uh you know yeah he it was it's very powerful it's it's hard to me for me not to get aroused thinking about i know mainly from that song what was this what was it the ray it was called rock on yeah where it was like on the cover of a magazine, Jimmy Dean, or whatever. Yeah. And it was Ray something? Who sang it, Rock On? It was Ray...

I don't know. Charles. Yeah, it was Ray Charles. Oh, interesting. Oh, interesting. You always forget that Ray Charles did a lot of shitty contemporary pop music. Look, I'm doing it now. I do have a control.

So, just, you know, the audience can only hear it. Oh, yes. The laugh is that they're watching. They watch me. I close my eyes, and I think of, like, a woman's, like, her ankle and shin area. Okay. That gets me to, like, a halfway. That's enough. Yeah.

But any more, then it's a full-on boner, and then it's just uncomfortable. But, yeah, oh, maybe. Start another carpet fire. So if you busted that... That's a different plug-in. Oh, okay. I think. All you know is that there's a fire. Anytime I shit or cum, my house goes on fire.

And I should get that checked out. Fashion to make dough, and I'm not proud of this. Excuse me. I, uh... What happened? What's going on? Can I just tell you, every time, like, it's so, I spend so much energy focusing on getting a half of a boner. That other thing sort of loosened up, you know?

Yeah, okay. I was hoping that would get edited out. But again, you guys came to my last show and taped this. Yes, yeah. So if I had creative control over what we were listening to, I probably would have edited it. When it goes on the DVD, there's just a silent. It'll be an audience reaction.

Okay. I've been sleeping with members of my staff. And what's worse than that is I'm self-employed. So you're sleeping by yourself? Mm-hmm. Were you really cracked yourself up with this one? Were you surprised? Were you surprised to hear yourself say it?

It's just, you know, it's funny to imagine yourself sleeping. That's what was happening. I was imagining myself, like, cozy. Well, you never get to see it. I know. So it's funny to imagine yourself sleeping. That's what was happening. Yeah. I was imagining myself, like, cozy. Well, you never get to see it. I know. So it's funny to imagine. You have to imagine it. It was one of the funniest things you could think about.

Truly. That is interesting. I almost, uh, damn it. I, uh, I almost didn't make it here tonight. We had a tragedy at the house. My grandma farted and caught her Snuggie on fire. What is happening in your house? I imagine it's part of the curse.

Is it safe for you to be here right now? I mean, luckily I didn't eat McDonald's before I came. Because, man, this whole building would be on fire, I think. Wow. Yeah, it's just so many fires. And, yeah, it's the whole family. It's a real tragedy. A carpet fire and then the Snuggie caught on fire from the one fart?

I mean, I come from a long line of fire farters. Okay. And you, I guess I could see how you came up with that story because you did fart two times right before it. That's what triggered it. Made you think of it. Yeah, it wasn't, I didn't have it down on my set list, but I just figured – Is there a second mic that's picking that up?

Yeah. It's just so clear. Well, I do have a – I mean, I have to give that up to my sound – I travel with a sound crew, and I have a lav mic that is put directly on my butthole. Oh. It clips onto the, like, ridge. Right. I see.

Yeah. The ridge of your butt. Uh-huh. Okay. I don't think there's any other word for that. No. And you have a more pronounced, of all people who could definitely clip a laugh mic onto the ridge of their butt, it's definitely you. Yeah.

Mine just kind of falls off. Well, you got to work on it. Yes. And plus there's all that scar tissue from all the fires. Sure, that's easier to clip onto than some of what I got going on back there. From what I've seen. The good news is, though, she's got a weak bladder, so she peed herself out real quick.

All right, so that's the good thing about that. Snuggies, what in the world? Them Snuggies make me madder than a hunchback in a limbo contest. I tell you what. It's a lot of handicapped people being mad. Yeah. Well, I mean, yeah. I've seen some people being mad. Yeah. Well, I mean, yeah. I've seen some things, man.

Yeah. And they were not happy. They have every right to be angry. Yeah. Who's making them do that? Forced to do limbo. Mm-hmm. Well, if you invite a hunchback person to your party,

or even worse, maybe if it's their own birthday party, and then one of the activities you schedule is a limbo contest they would have every right to be upset that should be met because that is excluding not considerate it's not nice that's what i'm saying yeah i get it i mean people are laughing and like i'm a comedian so i think they feel compelled but i'm making a point. Well, it's uncomfortable. I mean, how many people in the audience do you think were laughing to be like, oh, he's talking about them, not me, but they know in the back of their mind that they have invited an entrepreneur to a limbo contest? It needs to stop.

A dumb invention. We used to have Snuggies back in the day. They were called Robes, all right? Ouch. That's the dumbest invention I've ever seen to have Snuggies back in the day. They was called robes. All right. Ouch. That's the dumbest invention I've ever seen. A Snuggie. If you're too stupid to operate a blanket. All right.

You deserve to be cold every now and then. All right. Do you regret saying that now? That was a little much. Yeah, I was, I was trying that out. I love comedy that has a clear target. And I think it's good to cut people down to size. And famously, politically, I don't take any stance. I think everyone is making great points.

I think all this stuff is good. 95% of the stuff I like. Yes. It's just fun. But I got to say, when you aim at the snuggie consumer, I don't know what the fuck you're thinking. And to say that they deserve to be cold is very mean. Oh, did I say cold?

What did you think you said? I thought I said kill. So the fact that that really softens it. I'm going to go with cold from now on. I was saying if you're too stupid to operate a blanket, you deserve to be killed every night. Wow, every single night. But then I have a witch bring you deserve to be killed every night. Wow, every single night. But then I have a witch

bring you back to life. To be killed again. By you? No, by my witch friend. Are you killing them? Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're friends now.

Yeah, yeah. Uneasy partnership. Right. I mean, it's like, you know, friend know friend right the kind of friend we run into each other a lot you gotta be friends yeah because you get curses put on you the other day my wife was madder than an albino hitchhiking in a snowstorm wow whoa so mad can you imagine yeah i've seen it they're furious how'd you see it though you know that's a great point um it was only later i was i was filming something else i was filming the snowstorm oh and then you're like wait i was like wait what pause that frame enhance yes is that an albino?

You take it. My wife and I, we was going out to eat. She was trying to turn me on. And we was in the car. She wasn't wearing no underpanties. And the police gave her a ticket for open container. What do you mean? She had a bottle of gin Okay

You were on your way to eat And she's She's trying to turn you on Before dinner And she didn't have any underpanties And the cops Gave her a ticket for open containers Right, because she was holding a bottle of gin

I should have mentioned that I know Because then it sounds like I'm talking about her Vagina or something she was holding a bottle of gin. I should have mentioned that. I know. Yeah, I need to. Because then it sounds like I'm talking about her vagina or something. It really does sound like you're talking about that. It does sound like that and as if the underpants close that container. And I guess that she is trying to turn you on by like contorting herself in the car to show you that her container is open.

No, that's not what I'm saying. She was highly intoxicated. She's breaking the law. So this is three or four different stories. Right. Well, I'm saying you definitely have to streamline it. No, I'm getting there now. Yeah.

So that is my process. So I take things that seemingly are unrelated. That is my process. So I take things that seemingly are unrelated, and if it just so happens it sounds like I'm talking about her vagina and people laugh, then I have to pay the bills, man. It's an open container. My wife's awesome. She was mad at me at Valentine's Day last year.

I didn't get her no flowers. I wanted to, but the light turned green. Okay. That crushed. Yep. Thank you. I buy her stuff all the time.

It was our anniversary. And I said, what do you want for your anniversary? She goes, I want an iPad at $700. I'm like, good Lord, now they got a tampon with a GPS system in it. I forgot. Why did you think that?

You knew it was some form of technology connected to the internet. GPS, yeah. But you thought it was a menstrual pad. technology connected to the internet. But you thought it was a menstrual pad. Well, yeah, a pad. There's the only... Name another kind of pad. Well, can I say this? A pad is not

a tampon. Alright. I mean... May I say this? You can't. I mean, they're all. May I say this? You can't. I mean. Because she wanted an iPad. It was $700.

And you said, good Lord. Now they've got a tampon with a GPS in it. So, again, this seems like a completely separate story. They are. Look, again. She, yeah, she wanted a robotic tampon and an iPad. Is that a funny story? No.

Oh, okay. It's the conflation. Yeah. Yeah. You're just skipping, I think, some very important details. Yeah. Yeah. It's very hard to follow this one.

You know what's interesting? iPads are $700, and so are robotic tampons okay with gps systems uh-huh yeah um but that's to say that isn't gonna get a lot because first because it started you went you went you said the flower story then you went no i buy her stuff all the time that was the first thing you said no i buy her stuff all the time i do the the first thing you said. No, I buy her stuff all the time. I do. The other day she wanted an iPad. $700. Yeah. I said, good lord. Now they've got a tampon with a GPS. Right, so I skipped

the part in the middle where she said I also want these tampons. Okay, so maybe you bought her the iPad. Oh, definitely. I buy her stuff all the time. Okay. How the hell does that work? Hey, we're lost. Spread your legs a little bit, would you, out there? Oh, that's against the law as we establish.

I'm kidding. It was our 50-year anniversary. Okay, so this is what you're kidding about. Okay, all right. Well, I'm kidding. That's not how the tampon, robotic tampons work. You're kidding after the cab story or anything, but you're kidding after this one. Yeah, I'm kidding. That's not how the tampon, robotic tampon works. You didn't say you're kidding after the cab story or anything, but you're kidding after this one.

Yeah. Yeah. You don't open your legs. You use the app. Yeah. That's a wood anniversary. So I gave her. Wait, wait, wait.

What do you want for your anniversary? It's the fifth. Because I want an iPad. There we are, right by the Mulva right there. There he is. The Mulva. The Mulva. The Mulva. I'm kidding.

It was our 50th anniversary, though, and that's a wood anniversary. So I gave her a picture of my wiener. And I shouldn't have done it on the iPhone. She had to make it bigger like that when she got to the bed. One more joke like that, I'm getting the hell out of here. All right? You don't laugh at something like that. So you're bad at the audience.

You made the joke. So you say one more joke to them, like, hey, you guys don't make that kind of joke. Then you acknowledge they're just laughing at the joke. So you go, I'm going to leave. Did you forget that you just said that? I guess you're hearing it in your head at the same time. Yeah, so just from my perspective, I hear a witch's voice screaming about a tiny penis on an iPhone. Yeah, yours.

That part's not, yeah, mine. That's not it. That's me trying to open up and just be honest with my audience. So you say, hey, laugh at me? The shift is so fast. The one more joke like that, it's immediately on the heels. And I almost wonder, like, did the audience members say a joke that I couldn't? Because they didn't tell that joke.

Well, that's sort of how it works. I'm the one with the microphone, but everyone's telling jokes. Aha. Okay. You know, they just aren't my dad. You can hear them. Yeah. Okay.

So I forget. I was noticing from the audience that people were doing that, and I was telling a lot of jokes. Yeah, you were great. Some really good jokes. I mean, I told a couple, yeah. After the show, I heard a couple people say, like, we should have given him a microphone. I was really getting into it. You had some great jokes.

I told some very long jokes. See, that's when you learn to just take stuff out. Yes. Yeah, well, yeah, to streamline because I have this family that is so – people always ask me, you know, Sean, hey, is your family funny? You come from a funny family? I go, no, actually, my family's crazy. That makes me funny. Because they are...

My grandma's just... She's wild, man. Yeah. Does she like shit fire? No, it's not that. Well, you might not be able to tell because often they

have weak bladders and they pee the fire out before you can even tell. They pee themselves out, yeah, luckily. I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that I wrote that joke or I'm 48 years old

and still think the word wiener is funny. It's ridiculous. I think it's that I wrote that joke or I'm 48 years old still think the word wiener is funny It's ridiculous. I think it's that you wrote that 48, you believe that? I don't look 48, do I? You know how I stay so young? I read at a third grade level We don't stop playing because we grow old. We grow old because we stop playing. Did you see the movie Tag? Have you seen Tag?

No. It keeps them young. So is it like Cocoon? It's very similar to what's going on with you. Yes. The fact that you do things like a little kid. Yeah, wiener. It's funny, right? I'm sorry.

The way you say it is very funny. It keeps you young in the same way that the boys, the crew, playing tag, that stops them from growing old. Or the alien eggs in the swimming pool. Yeah. The crew. The crew, yeah. Playing tag. Yeah. That stops them from growing old. Or the alien eggs in the swimming pool in Cocoon. I mean, year 48, that reference is a little after my time. Oh, it is?

Yeah. That was, I went to that movie 600 times when it came out. Wow. Oh, wow. You had this sort of aside where you said, I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that I wrote that joke or the fact that I still think the word wiener is funny.

I'm wondering if there's a third option and is it the fact that you treated someone in the audience as if they told the joke right after you told it. And just before you said that you wrote it. Yes. So is it that you wrote the joke, but you think that they said it, and you're mad at them for saying a joke that you wrote? No, see, this is just an honest question.

Okay. I don't know. You don't know. I don't know what the most, I, what is it? Yeah. Well, it's just. And a lot of people were yelling out different answers, and it was kind of a 50-50 audience. It's confusing because, again, from my point of view,

people are yelling answers and yelling jokes. Yeah, you can't hear any of that on this. No. Interesting. My wife and I like going out to eat, too. We enjoy that. That's established. We went to the Olive Garden a while back, because I loved the Olive Garden.

They had the commercial that says, come to the Olive Garden. We treat you like family. Was that the same trip? Yep. You were going out to eat, and she was trying to get you turned on? Turned on. Right, yeah. Well, she got a ticket.

Yeah. And then, yeah, we went to Olive Garden. Yeah. Now, the tagline for the Olive Garden is not, come to Olive Garden, we'll treat you like family. Yeah. It's kind of like that. But it's when you're here, you're family. Right, I just shortened it.

No. Streamlight it. It's longer. It's funnier my way. That is true. You ever been there? You should go down there. No sooner we walked in the door, they told my brother-in-law he was a lazy piece of crap.

What? And you were, I thought you were with your wife. Yeah. Where's your wife? We'll treat you like family. So the way they treat you like family is they told your brother-in-law. He's a lazy piece of crap. I guess that you got to see it.

We met up with the rest of my family. Okay. Should I mention that? I guess not. I mean it's – and this is shining a light on me. Maybe the way I look at this stuff is kind of annoying. me, maybe the way I look at this stuff is kind of annoying. That I am going, what are you talking about? Maybe the fact that I'm trying to follow it is – You're also in a sensory deprivation tank.

Right. I think that is forcing – I think you're thinking about it more than – Maybe if I had some distractions. You have nothing else to focus on. Yeah. So I am picturing it and I have this really clear picture that you paint for me of you and your wife walking into the restaurant, and I'm wondering how are they going to treat

them like family. It does not have underwear on. And then they talk to your brother-in-law first. And it is jarring. Quite frankly. Because the image in your head is suddenly so radically shifted. No, this is helpful.

Again, like, I am sort of still working on this stuff. Workshopping it. So, yeah, it's where did the brother-in-law come? That might be

a missing detail to fill in. I'll plug that in. Wow, this is just like being at the house. Our waiter sucked, though. He wasn't very good.

Oh, man, he had a bracelet on. He said, what would Jesus do? I said, I bet he'd have brought my appetizer out about an hour ago. All right, I'll tell you that much. That's ridiculous. Well, that's really good. It's just true. Yeah.

Yeah. I like that you're punching up at the Olive Garden waiter he is he was tall yeah how's that guy

gonna buy Windex was the same guy I didn't want to say anything oh no so other stories you were combining but this one you are separating

into many different stories wow well I tried it once. I said I was once at a Walgreens. Saw this fat lady buying sunblock. Sunblock, yes. And I have my own issues with that.

Just step two. Take two steps to the left. Take two steps to the left. Two steps either way. And then I saw a tall guy who was my waiter at the Olive Garden buying Windex. Oh, this was another time. And then I saw him. He was also buying this.

I thought maybe that's why it was taking so long to bring your appetizer, was that he was trying to buy Windex online or something. No, no, no. It was at Walgreens. You saw him a different place. Now, Joe, it's not in the tape necessarily, but you were telling me that you've actually identified a couple of ways to determine whether someone is sort of a hillbilly type.

And I was curious if you wanted to share any of those with the audience. I wonder if there's a way to kind of structure that. Because as you have been through the South, there's some determining factors where if you display these qualities, you might be sort of a hillbilly type character. display these qualities, you might be sort of a hillbilly type character. I mean, mostly it's living like deep in like the hills. Uh-huh.

That's like the first, that's the major clue. Not much education. Right. I mean, you're cut off from society. Yeah. Yeah. Poverty level is like pretty high. Yeah. Yeah. So that's was like pretty high. Yeah.

Yeah. So that's kind of how you can tell. Yeah. If you're below the poverty line, if you live in an elevation and so forth, you might be sort of a hillbilly type character. Addiction. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just the odds are. Oh, very much so. Yeah, if it's not you, you're surrounded by it.

Yeah, then you might be kind of a hillbilly type guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I have a weird question. I don't even know if you're the right person to ask, although I've heard that you have been helpful in these situations before. Do you have any idea where my sign is? Well, you have to buy it. Okay. I make signs. to buy it. Okay.

I make signs. Uh-huh. Okay. So then if I buy it. Buy it. Then I know you have it, and then I can say, like, here it is.

Does that make sense? That's what you say? You say, here it is. You hand someone a sign. I hand someone, and I say, here it is. Jordan, how long is this show? We're just at an hour. Wow.

Wow, we got seven minutes in. That's how layered your comedy is. Of the 20 minutes. I think we heard 60 jokes uh-huh you really pack them in i try yeah well and they're only gonna get shorter that's what's fun is like what you're hearing now by the time like you see me in a in like six months the joke is gonna be like i shit my house is on fire. I'm at the Olive Garden.

What would Jesus do? You're still cutting details. I'm trying to get it all down to one thing. And ultimately that's the goal is to get one truly nonsensical. I shit on my grandma's flaming Snuggie at the Olive Garden with my wife's vagina which is illegal and that's lazy like my stepbrother I'll figure it out I mean that's pretty good

yeah that's great you're teaching me thank you well everyone in the south we have so many listeners there and they will love it when they go Tennessee, Georgia, North Carolina many listeners there and they will love it yeah when they go tennessee georgia north carolina and illinois minnesota okay oh okay they're not gonna that's a different show we'll do a

different show for them bye that was a hate gun podcast