Hollywood Handbook - Joe Wengert Again, Our Close Friend

Episode Date: September 21, 2015

Hayes and Sean have finally produced a quiz to determine whether fans are a Hayes or a Sean, and Engineer Brett is the first quiz-taker. Then JOE WENGERT returns to the show to promote his old appearance on the show and introduce himself as the new Head of Branded Content at WolfCool Industries.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. All right. Me, John, her, CVS, late night munchie run, grabbing Stouffer's French bread pizza, run grabbing Stouffer's French bread pizza Lean Cuisine Ravioli Friday's wings

go to the self checkout scanning yeah John says check it check it check it check it expose his hiney put his hiney on the

thing so it's like how much is my what my but the machine says finally in like a normal voice finally

scans starts scanning in like a normal voice. It just goes, finally. Scans, starts scanning slowly. John Hurt tries to get off, can't get off. Finally, it expels him

into a shelf. Spits him out. Yeah. Lasers start emerging up out of the surface composing himself into human shape

and it looks it's a nude John Hurt looking exactly like John Hurt and John Hurt is like okay let me see like where this is going

maybe I can use this guy to play tricks on Ian Holm. But it just walked out into the street, and it got hit by a car. Did it have blood inside? That's a great question. When it got hit, I think it was like the lasers were like trying to simulate blood. Uh-huh. But it was in like confetti streams?

Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Does that check out for something with you? Yeah. I mean, that's my machine. Oh, so, okay.

Is that disappointing to you? The self-checkout is. Yes. The idea that it was not able to realistically simulate blood in a way that tricked you, I mean, that you didn't immediately answer like, yeah, it was full of blood because a big part of... So, okay. So, for me, I've been trying to break into the self-checkout world for quite some time. And of course, people scan items on there, food, whatever.

But I'm sort of coupling it with 3D printing. If you don't know what 3D printing is, there's this new show called Grandfathers coming out on Fox. It stars John Stamos and Josh Peck. Josh Peck is his son he didn't know he had, who also has another son he didn't know he had, making John Stamos a grrrr and father. And that boy who is his son is actually a 3D printing guy, designer. So I became aware of it through that show and I decided let me get into this somehow I start tinkering around with just some springs and wires and lo and behold I make one of the best 3D printers you've ever seen and it looked like a self-checkout and it suck in and scan people or thing and make it come back out. But what I can't seem to do is make the insides of the thing.

And my ultimate goal is to make an island of people. Like an amusement park. Yeah. People that look like you so everyone can go to sort of me land. And then you, so you go, you pay me. I put your butt on the printer, scan you. Does it say finally every time? Well, that's me.

Okay. Because so many people are scanning Lean Cuisines all this other stuff and i'm going like what i really want to test out is like can i make a a human i don't want to put my own butt on it number one because i got to work the controls and number two because i don't know if it kills you or something um so this was a real relief for me that he went to do what he thought was a prank on i guess the store the initially yes jokes on him because i got what i wanted uh the other thing i can't do is make the whatever gets created the humans i can't make them not want to kill themselves they desire to be destroyed immediately some of them set themselves on fire.

Some run into traffic, as you described. So that was intentional. Okay, I couldn't tell. Some drown themselves. It's gruesome. It was so dispassionate and emotionless. I didn't know if that was on purpose or if it just didn't know. I also can't make them care about living or the fact that they're killing themselves.

I can't make them want to laugh. Yeah. Right. Which it would be, that would be one thing, at least if they screamed right before they got hit. Could be interesting. One of them took a samurai sword and start chopping himself up and just looking at me in the eye, just cold and composed the entire time.

Who was that of? Louis Farrakhan. So, you know, it was distressing because he's a friend. So, like, anyway, I'm happy about some pieces of the story. But to answer your question, yes, I am disappointed that it didn't at least look like rope blood. Hey, welcome to Hollywood Handbook, an insider's guide to kicking butt and dropping names in the red carpet lineback hallways of this industry we call showbiz. Showbiz. Savoring every word.

Sometimes you need to make a meal out of the – A catchphrase you've heard so many times maybe you're blowing by it, but it's like a prayer almost, and it's don't let it be just wrote. People say, when are you guys going to do a quiz? You do a podcast. You sometimes do TV, movies. When are you guys going to get it together? Because I want to take a quiz of you, about you. And they want to feel more associated with the show,

and I think I see a lot of people, whenever I'm online on every site saying, ooh, I'm a Sean or, oh, I'm a Hayes or on their Instagram post it'll be, oh, you're such a Hayes or like, what a total Sean. But how do you know? How do you know which one you is? So finally, we are going to do the definitive quiz, Hollywood Handbook. Which host are you, Sean or Hayes? They're both good, but they're both different, aren't they, Hayes? Yes, and it depends on what questions you ask. And you take it on, it's like BuzzFeed.

Well, yes. but it's like buzz feed well yes it's a buzz it's if you buzz thief because a lot of people mistype it yeah and then they've just been going to nothing but now you can actually go to a site where you can take a quiz yeah and it is our quiz and this is the one quiz to start with and if it works out we're're going to have more quizzes. And it shares automatically. You know, some of these you have to like decide whether or not you want to share it. But this one is automatic share to your various platforms. And it emails your crush.

Yes, because a lot of people, I think, forget to click share at the end of a quiz, which is so fun. And I'm always curious, oh, what happened in that quiz did anyone take one today and did were they able to tell the one square that was a different color than the other squares or what's a quiz you've seen uh hayes that you've been so happy to have seen no that one i think is the classic one were they able to tell the squares that's different from the other squares. Pretty good. It's a ubiquitous quiz. Guess I've still got it.

So we're going to have Brett take our quiz to decide whether he's a Sean or a Hayes. And I have my theories. But this is why we have the quiz. So let's start. Question one. What's your favorite day at the beach? And it's multiple choice. So you wasted that deep breath because you're not going to say anything for a long time.

So I can just choose multiple days of the week? Are you saying Saturday or something? You think the question is, what is your favorite day at the beach? You think the question is, what is your favorite day of the week to go to the beach? Oh, wow. No, it's activities. That's what I assumed. And this is something I have been worried about,

that this quiz may not work on engineers. Okay, that seems like a logical way to interpret it. Maybe the question is phrased badly. No. The question is... The question is not finished. Yeah. The question is...

Yeah, you haven't even heard A. You haven't heard A yet. You're already answering... Oh, I see. What's your favorite day at the beach? A. And it's going to be stuff that you like to do. A. Read a famous book b invent new shells

c eat the water d hot dog go to the bathroom. So which one are you? I would like to, making new shells sounds awesome. Inventing new shells. Inventing new shells, I would love to do, but I've never done that. I've done hot dog, go to bathroom. Okay.

So it's not aspirational, right? I mean, it's not what you wish your day at the beach was. It's what is your day. You're forced to confront the fact that this is your favorite thing to do at the beach. Hot dog, go to bathroom. Okay. So that's six points. That's six points. Okay.

Great. Was that good or bad? Great. It's really good so far. Question two. You find yourself in a dark cave. In the corner is a bleeding animal. In your pocket is a key, two quarters, and a fishbone.

You approach the animal. Its squeals start to make the pit of your stomach churn. As you reach down to touch it, you realize it's not an animal at all, but a door. Do you A Open the door B Smash the door C

Try your key in the door D Hot dog go bathroom So the door is bleeding and no what it's no you think it's you think it's an injured animal at first you're approaching it and i hope to comfort because it's not like moving around you assume it's an injured animal but but it turns out it's a door. Well, why would a door be in a cave? Right.

Well, that's my first question. But then, is it the only way out of the cave? Does it appear to be the only way out? No. No. It's sort of lying. It's lying down. Yeah.

Yeah. Sort of against. It's sort of propped up by a rock. And it looked like an animal. I think I would, I think I would open it. Yeah. But the hot dog go to bathroom still sounds great. Because again, it's not aspirational. Like whether you, whether you'd like to think Because again, it's not aspirational.

It's what I did. Whether you'd like to think the person you want to be would open the door, you have to look at what... And don't forget, you have a fishbone with you. Oh, yeah. But that's not one of the options. No. I mean, I think what I'd actually do is hot dog, go to bathroom. Okay, that's 12 points then. So this is going pretty well.

Am I leaning towards either one of you right now? Oh, I don't know. Or does that reveal at the end? I have no idea. That's the last click. Yeah, that's the last one. You have to click all the way through. reveal at the end. I have no idea. That's the last click. Yeah, that's the last one. You have to

click all the way through. I'm not going to answer hot dog go to bathroom for all of them though. I doubt. Okay, well that's going to mess up the algorithm, but that's a good test. Question three.

What is a library? Fuck. A. Some kind of house. B. Hot dog, go to bathroom. What was that last one? B.

Hot dog, go to hot dog, go to bathroom. C. Place to throw away trash d place to uh have lunch talk to friends and it's your own house right i feel like it's all of the above. I mean, it's definitely a house. It's definitely hot dog go to bathroom. And you can check, by the way, in the interface, you can check as many boxes as you want.

Oh, really? Yes, that's why it's called multiple choice. Yeah, you can make multiple choices at every turn. And there's an E where you write in what you want. Oh, okay. But someone already wrote stuff in there. Yeah, on this quiz someone wrote. They like drew a picture.

They were like practicing their shapes. Yeah, they were like drawing shapes. I'm going to select that and all the answers. You're going to select the shapes? All of them? Well, you can't do all of them. It's not every choice. It's multiple choices.

No, he said you could do more than one. Oh, okay. Because some of them cancel each other out. What do the shapes look? Do they look like books? Or words? One is definitely a carrot.

So that kind of ties into lunch. And it gets better as it goes. Like the early ones don't look that much like a carrot, but that's why this person is practicing, I think. So by the end, it does actually get very good. Oh, so it's like an evolution of a carrot. Yeah, none of us start out just being able to draw a perfect carrot and people say like oh like you don't know your shapes and it's like yeah that's what we're saying like we practice we do we do know them okay i'm gonna select um Okay, I'm going to select the perfect carrot, hot dog go to bathroom, and the place to put my garbage.

And the house. And the house one. The two house ones. Yeah, there's two house ones. Both of those. Okay. Okay. That's good.

So you selected all of them except all of the above. Yeah. Exactly. Okay. That's good. So you selected all of them except all of the above. Yeah. Exactly. Okay. Okay, good. Yes. That's 10 points. And except for the poorly drawn carrots because I like it.

They're all in the same line. You got to take all the carrots. If you want one of the carrots, you got to take them all. Okay. I can make that work. Question four. The idea of separate but equal has been proven to be a fantasy. Racial integration in public schools has had great success but presents its own challenges.

How would you deal with the disparate... Please don't respond to the question. What are the challenges? I can't hear you. Okay. How would you deal with the disparate economic communities and quality of education provided throughout our great state of California

and the country at large. A. Hot dog go to bathroom. B. Magnet charter schools. C. Magnetic. Yes. Charter schools. Magnetic charter schools, yes. Is that a thing brit

sorry do you want to hear the other really want if you don't understand it here's a clip if you don't understand it don't pick it you don't know if it's okay see where they put in that well you finish and I'll explain what magnetic charter schools are at the end. C, everybody go to space. D, you melt the earth core. Yes. Put everyone in the earth's core and melt them into one super being, uh, E and this is drawn in and it's looks like they're trying to draw a tomato

this time. And it's good. A good dry. Is it just one tomato or a series of... They're trying to draw a tomato, yeah. Magnetic charter schools are when Neo goes to the

lady's apartment and the boy has the spoon and he makes it look normal. Spoon. Uri Geller, where he does the Uri Geller thing. There's no spoon.

He twists it with his brain. Why are you guys making the scary voice? Looking at it. It's not scary to you? His staring is so intense. I mean, it sounds scary. It certainly was. I use a spoon myself.

If it's not there, what am I putting in my mouth? It would, yeah. Is it going to twist inside your mouth? Yeah. Right? Yeah, I don't like that thought at all. Yeah, no kidding. It's twirling in your mouth, hitting your teeth.

Or on the way up. But imagine how, if it did it right twirling in your mouth, hitting your teeth. Around the way up. But imagine how if it did it right time, it could pick up all of the spaghetti. Okay, yes. It could help, yeah. If it's my choice, sure. But if it's the spoon's choice, ooh. Got to light that down. Okay, Brett, pick.

Well, this sounds like a joke But I honestly think hot dog go to bathroom Because And the earth molten Earth's molten core We could only pick one this time I think hot dog go to bathroom Because I think that can bring people together

I think everyone goes to the bathroom And I think Everyone can bring people together. I think everyone goes to the bathroom. And I think everyone can. I don't think. I think hot dogs are less divisive than tomato. Yeah, a lot of people say no tomatoes. A lot of racial connotations with that. Yes.

Yeah. So, yeah, I'm going to go hot dog, go to bathroom. Did you think I meant tomato the food? Yes Well the drawing of a tomato No I was like a ripe young tomato It's like a It's not a racial slur but Yeah

But it means what you think it means Like a butt Wow This guy could use a magnetic school bread. Like a butt? Oh, God. Wow. This guy could use a magnetic school. Okay, another question? No. There's no more? No, there's no more.

Yeah. I'm crunching the numbers on your answers. It's fun. Okay. So, here's a little problem we've been running into with this quiz. No one so far has been a Sean or a Hayes. It appears that Engineer Cody has gotten himself into the wires.

Damn it. Has made all the answers sort of represent. And I think that's who is drawing the carrot and the tomato yes he's turning everyone into Sean White he's making everyone come out as Sean White

the flying tomato yes at least I thought you were going to say I'm turning into Engineer Cody I would have jumped out the window

no we don't call all the engineers Engineer Cody it's stupid. I agree. All kidding a salad. Jesus Christ. All kidding a salad.

The barrier to it. Fucking legs that exist on calling all the engineers engineer code. How long that has lasted. And that's the barrier to a t-shirt that's established. You just like toss off. Yeah, of course. There's an engineer Cody t-shirt. Oh, no.

No. There's no other t-shirt for you. But, you know, all joking a salad. Fire up, fire up the t-shirt press. Brett, what's Hainong, man? What is it? I'll tell you one thing it is. A t-shirt. I know it's a t-shirt press. Brett, what's Hainong Man? What is it? I'll tell you one thing it is. A t-shirt.

I know it's a t-shirt, but why? It is a t-shirt. Well, it was hilarious because Jason Manzuka said, hang on, man. And then Scott said, you mean Hainong Man? Okay, so he intentionally just... And then they said, hang on, man, again. That is good. It's fine to do that.

That I understand. It's fine to do that, and that's good. But if that's a t-shirt, isn't everything I do a t-shirt at that point? It could be. You would think. You would think. You would think, Brett. Do you think it's better, hey, Nongman, or hey, Nongman?

Because I think maybe they got it wrong. Oh, I see what you're saying. That Nongman is the word? Yeah. Isn't that funnier than... Hang on, man. Hey, Nong Man is the word? Yeah. Isn't that funnier than... Hang on, man. I can feel the popularity of our show building just as we say this phrase over and over again. I mean...

Hey, Nong Man could be your thing. This is great for our SEO. And all kidding aside, that's just somebody just said it. Right? Right. They just fucking said it? They just said it. Okay. Well, Hayes, that's just somebody just said it. Right? Right. They just fucking said it? They just said it. Okay, well, Hayes, let's do one.

A t-shirt phrase? Yeah, here. We the peephole. Yeah. It's fucking a door, you're peeking out the door. Do we have to set it up the way they were like? Oh, you say something wrong? Yeah.

Or you say. Or I say it right, I guess. Or I'll give you one. Hang on. Where are my keys? Did you say where are my keys? Did you say, where are my keys? Wait, what? Oh, I'm supposed to get it wrong.

Yeah. See, this is hard. It's really hard. Well, no, give me one. Give me one. Okay. Pass me the water. Okay, pass me the water. Pass me the water. Okay, pass me the water.

Pass me the water. Padme the water. Pass me the water. Shh. Brett! It's like Star Wars. I'm thinking. Pass me the water.

Pass me the water. Pass me the water. Pass me that water, dog. Pass me. Hey, give me the water. Hey, give me the water. Pass me that water, dog. Hey, give me the water. Hey, give me the... Hang on, I'm close. Hang on.

Passed. Passed. No. What is it that you're trying to do with this? You'll edit this out, right? Huh? What is it you're trying to get to? Make a great t-shirt. Make a t-shirt.

Out of misunderstanding what I said. But I do understand it. Right. But I'm just saying. The more time you take, I think the more clear that becomes. And the more you repeat the real version. Can you hear that?

Yes. Yes. It's quiet. Pass me the water. Okay. Okay. Okay. I think I've got one.

Okay. I don't. You know what happened to me? I could tell when you said you thought you had one but you didn't actually have one you were hoping that between when you said i think i have one and when you were like a few seconds later then you would come up with it but i could tell because it's really hard i tried to do it and i said the same thing that you said yeah because you're right here i can hear you very distinctly yeah yeah that's a hard part about it is that you really do know what the other person said yeah like to misunderstand

it's like hang on man i mean it's like a very so common why would you ever think it was something that's not not even a phrase but that's the magic. I mean, that's like, you know, not everyone can just do that. Pants me the water. See, that would have been great, but I think it is too late. I think it is too late. If I immediately said,

pants me the water. Yeah, that would have been. Pants me the water? Yes, that would have been great. And then it's, yeah. But I think the time has passed. And you could imagine that as a shirt everybody's wearing it

pants me the water at home wearing it around people your girlfriend is like slipping it on afterwards yeah cleaning up with it

we have a great guest Joe Engert is on Hollywood Handbook Hollywood Handbook so the the concrete is going in the pour has already the first truck is up

the pour has already started yeah well no turning back now. Once it's in motion, yes. And Alan, covert, is taking the temperature of it. And you can sort of feel in the air. It's like getting chilly. Yeah, well, you don't want the block to start setting before you've actually got it all.

Yes, because it will crack. Yeah, I mean, the whole building's shot. And that's the project. Yes, that's the project at that point. Certainly our contract is in the wind if that happens. So it's getting colder and colder. And I say, Alan, you're friends with little Nicky, right? I think it's time to call it little Nicky.

Sure, yeah. If anybody can heat that thing I think it's time to call it little Nikki. Sure, yeah. If anybody can heat that thing up, it's little Nikki. Yeah. And Alan's like, I don't want to just call little Nikki. Summon, really. Yes. Because he's like, they are friends, and he doesn't want that to become a work thing. And I'm like, we don't even have time to have this conversation.

Little Nicky's got to come up out of the ground right now. And warm the concrete so the block doesn't crack on the foundation. Yes. So Covert yells into the ground for Little Nicky. Just a sewer grate or was it a spot? Into the grass. Oh. Into the grass.

And Little Nicky comes up. He's clearly not, like, it is sort of playing out the way Alan thought it would, which is that, you know, Little Nicky is, like, kind of not. Annoyed. Yeah, it's just like... It doesn't like being asked for these things. And Alan knows that, like, okay. But, you know, it's on the line.

Their whole contract is on the line. Yeah, there's a time to call in that favor. It's now, what are you saving it for if not? Yeah, exactly. I mean, it's a children's hospital. Yeah, so he uses his eyes, heats it up. And we named it after Little Nicky. Little Nicky's Little Sick Guy Ward.

Hey! Welcome to Hollywood Handbook. Kenan's led his guy to kicking butt and dropping names in the red carpet linebacker hallways of this industry we call showbiz. And that was two people saying that. It sounded like one one but it was two and was we have a guest me and engineer brett joe wengert is here as you know we have sort of been ordained by the powers that be to bring in guests who have been on the show before, who can reference great memories from the last episode they were on, which is now Howl Premium exclusive.

So the first six months of our archives are available only on Howl, which is a pay site. And so in order to encourage people to do that, Joe, we only get guests who we had in the first six months of our show or whatever yeah and this is like because people would say like oh you know like i have six months of free podcast i i could probably survive with those right uh but so the idea is that you'd be like no actually this old stuff is actually really worth checking out. So just, you have a lot of memories from the last time you were, just reference some of

the funniest stuff from there. Don't make your references funny because we want to encourage people to have to go and pay. Yeah. I want, I want them to get the, the funny from the old episode. Yeah. Get all the way up to the, but what's one thing that just sort of dang will crack their shit up.

Something legendary, funny that happened? Well, I mean, the thing that stands out in my mind is that the physical bits, which I feel like you think they're not going to translate on the podcast, but they do. And it was the technology we used back then i think that actually was more lifelike in terms like you could feel a physical bit with those like kind of old tubes that we used to use yes yeah it came in through your headphones and you could feel us touching you it's just like listening to vinyl you you know? Yeah, yeah. You can hear the cracks and the pops and stuff.

It's better because it's worse, yeah. I won't say what this bit is, but right now we're sitting in three chairs. Mm-hmm. But we use less chairs in the last one. It wasn't always the case, yeah. That's almost too funny even. Now I'm thinking about it. Just, yeah.

You got to check it out. So please do go pay the money to listen to. Remember? You guys remember? Joe, you're going to make it too funny. Joe, you're going to make it too funny for them now. It is becoming too funny. And people think, well, wasn't those early shows,

those old ones before you really found your feet and weren't the episodes worse? No, they were better. And we're phoning it in now, and back then we tried. So speaking of a lazy, casual idea for a show, Joe, we wanted to talk to you about sort of your new role at Wolf Cool. Oh, yeah. Very excited about that. Yes, and how excited are you?

And make a face that shows me. And it's a smile. I can see his teeth. Top and bottoms. And that's exciting for me and also scary because, as we've said, teeth are the human skeleton trying to escape from the body and get you. So, you know, take it easy, Joe. Okay, yeah.

But Joe has been hired as our new head of branded content. What's that mean? And I'll give it to the man. Branded content, it's just, it's like regular content, but it's even a little bit better, I think. Yeah. Because it's helping you make some decisions in your life. So many products and which ones do I use? Exactly.

You guys are tastemakers and if you guys are sort of endorsing. Like a chef. Well, okay. Yeah. I'm sorry. Well, like Emeril Lagasse. I was supposed to say, I'm sorry. I was supposed to Well, like Emeril Lagasse. I was supposed to say, I'm sorry. I was supposed to say, when you said branded content, I forgot. I was supposed to say, who's branded content?

That's a t-shirt. Yes. And then you would say, first of all, we would make t-shirts out of it. And then you'd be like, no, it's not a, you know, like you're coaching me through it. So other people can like kind of help. can help them understand it right and i don't think we should do it now but this is no i don't want to stop down to do the brandon content stuff where you think that brandon content's a person joe then clarifies and by educating you educates the listener on branded i think this is enough to accomplish that even just that we're mentioning that we were gonna do it and it was gonna probably take longer than this uh which has been

sort of a pithy explanation of what the bit is yes but to do both would take longer than oh yeah to go back now for the brand and content run wouldn't make sense so i always just to be clear i didn't help matters because i was supposed to have perfect diction yeah and i said branded there was no and that's why i forgot because i there was no there was no mistaking you're supposed to run through it defudge the i'm supposed to pretend i'm a mush mouth which a lot of people that know me from my many podcast appearances know that I'm not. But that was sort of the agreed upon comedic premise of this entire day. Was that you were going to be kind of a mush mouth. Hayes was going to mishear you, repeat a question, you know, not understanding what you initially said.

And then fucking print T-shirts. you initially said and then fucking print t-shirts and the turtleneck uh that you were supposed to be wearing over your mouth and nose right i mean it's hot it is hot it's a heat wave the stocking cap as well didn't make it all the way to the studio so that none of that matters now we're so far beyond brandon content and we shouldn't even talk about it yeah we shouldn't be because now saying it more and more people are going to be like wait is this a person yeah because now it's getting it's getting to a point where they're starting to wonder it is like were they are they gonna do it And this is a nice long fake out. Yeah, it's teasing that idea.

And I also think people are starting to wonder, will they ever get past this Brandon content thing and talk about, you know, what was initially conceived to be an explanation of Brandon's content, what we're doing with it within our company,

Wolf Cool. Yes. A shingle of calvin and hops productions which is what i'm here for yeah yeah and so that's the idea and the answer is yeah we're definitely going to do it we're not just going to spend the whole day talking about brandon content that's not all the brandon content thing was was a fun in because you don't want to jump right into something you know that's kind of insidery and yeah a little heady like give them a little a little teaspoon of sugar you know okay that's actually this is a great segue sprinkle a little sugar on the grapefruit and then

trudge through that grape this is what we're trying i mean it's confusing it sort of it folds in on itself but the brandon content is content, but it is also teaching you something important. Because it is funny. You can enjoy it as a funny thing, but it's a lesson at the same time. Yeah, it's just like ALF. Yes. Because ALF was a show about taking in transients. That was a public service announcement about trying to get

families to take in transients to their home. It was by the dog lobby too because it's like stop eating dogs. This guy eats cats. He seems to really enjoy cats.

At least try it. At least try having a cat for a meal uh and uh and it also was in some ways about nosy neighbors peeping toms which was an epidemic at the awareness if you remember mrs akmanic who lived next door yeah we the people oh right yes you weren't there you weren't there but that's a great t-shirt so um so brandon brandon content you're not gonna hear that name again for the rest of the podcast because it was never meant to be even as long as this has been uh and if it goes any longer i feel like like it's going to totally derail us. People are going to hear the door open, because I just opened the door.

Oh, right. Who just came in? Just to let air in. People are going to be thinking, oh, is Paul F. Tompkins going to be coming in here to play Brandon Conta? Yeah. Yeah. You know what? Did somebody say my name?

If I'm listening closely to this, I hear that door open, I go, they were stalling. This is a classic. Paul F. Tompkins is stuck on the set of No, You Shut Up. He can't get down there. So these guys are just great improvisers. They're improvising their way through this little pickle until Paul F. gets there. But he's not here. And we're not great improvisers. Ad're improvising their way through this little pickle until Paul F. gets there. But he's not here. He's not here. Nobody can't hear him.

And we're not great improvisers. Adomian's not here. Hello! It's me! You know, it would sound like that. Brandon Conte came in, and he's this big, broad character, and he's like, I allow you to enjoy your shows,

but you also learn about products, like why research products, and have to do content separately, not with me, Brandon Content. And that is the idea. We're not doing that, but that's sort of what people are thinking when they hear the door open. Oh, I'm going to hear that happen. But it's not. What else might he say?

It doesn't matter. Well, I mean, now that we're in. Do you want to go into what we had initially conceived? Yeah. Yeah, maybe we ought to. And sort of start really talking about branded, not branded content. Right. As it pertains to Wolf Cool and your role within our company, which is, of course, a shingle of Calvin and Hopps Productions.

Yeah. Let's get into that. Okay. You know. Do I have a couple of branded content lines in the chamber? Yeah, but I'll keep them in there. Yeah, they're packed in. Because I got a lot of.

And by the way, that's not the final voice, the one that I was just doing for Brandon Content. It could have been a lot of things. The whole idea is that it has not been prepared ahead of time. That's literally a spontaneous concoction of Sean's.

And he and Paul or James, I'm sure, would have had a much more fleshed out thing. That was just sort of a crazy. Hanford could have done a totally different. Yeah. So anyway, Brandon doesn't exist. But what does exist is Wolf Cool, this show, Joe, you exist. I mean, I i'm a real person hayes is here engineer brett's

here and so just to get into it now i i'm the chief i'm in i'm in charge of brandon content for the show for uh for uh for the net for the for the offshoot for for wolf cool i'm in charge of brandon content for that and he is a guy um and fuck did i just say he's a guy yeah oh my god he's not can't he's not it's a concept i have an intern i know how it happened yeah yeah i just got it in my head now. It's rattling around in my head. You're picturing. And I never should have done the voice.

Well, because also... The intern, yeah, his name is Brandon. And so that must make it really... Well, and his last name is Content. I just peeped at my phone for a second, guys. I'm sorry. Somebody just... I don't know how this even happened.

Somebody added me on Twitter. They drew a picture of Brandon Content. what they imagined he would look like. We didn't even describe him yet. Yeah, no, we didn't. This is what he looks like, though. I mean, yeah. He's got a logo. He's wearing a jacket and all these different logos.

There's the Pepsi logo, the CBS eye, the Sprite Fox. They're all on there on this jacket. I hate that Sprite Fox. Well're all on there on this jacket. I hate that Sprite Fox. Well, he steals your Sprites. It's maddening. Well, you can't enjoy Lemon Lime Soda. He doesn't even like Sprite, which is the thing that confuses me. He wants to dump it all out.

No, he wants to dump it into the ocean. And so, yeah, if you haven't seen the seen the sprite fox yet he's a little bit new but brandon content of course has him on his jacket and he's got a sea captain hat on he grabs your sprite and he scurries onto a boat and steers it out of the ocean and dumps your sprite out and he's not a cartoon no no it's a real fox they dressed up but they're holding a they're holding a fox up. Well, so there are human hands on the fox. You can see the heads holding the fox up.

Even in the logo, it's just a photo of a person who's clearly wrestling with an angry fox. Anyway, yeah, the Sprite Fox would be on his jacket. I mean, that makes sense. Yeah, just top to bottom, all of his apparel would have different brands because that's what he's in charge of, getting the word out about brands in a fun way where it's not so obviously a commercial. Although some commercials nowadays, they fool me. Yeah, I have had that experience where i feel like what i'm watching is not a commercial because i'm having so much fun it's a tv show yeah um i mean that's almost like brandon content what is well if you feel like you're watching a show and it's commercial, how different is that from watching a show that has in stuff that commercial is?

Yeah. When you make content, you got to have a script. You got to have a director. You got to have camera. You got to have light. You got to have sound um but something to play it on it's like a tv you know it doesn't just see it it does it doesn't exist without like or computer it's just something to show it i mean does it i mean

that's an interesting thing it's kind of tree fall in the woods, you know, like. Although it's an unaired pilot content. Mm-hmm. It is, but nobody's ever seen it. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah, my dad's seen it, but. He said it, yeah. I mean, if I sent him, and we're talking about my pilot, right?

Yes. And what he says. Mildly amusing. He just was like like he watched it he went Jesus Christ man I'm not your audience yeah he's not

and that's true but well not through any design you were sort of making it for him to be your audience. Yes, it was aimed directly at him. I basically, at the

great expense of story and character, crammed in references to everything I know my dad enjoys. Yeah. Brands. Well, brands, exactly. Swiss Miss. Swiss Miss and the swiss miss eagle um that eagle he doesn't know how to make swiss miss he's a right he's boiling it in the packet

like a like tea he thinks it's a giant he's dunking the dunking the packet he thinks it's a giant... He's dunking the packet. Dunking the packet. He thinks it's a giant step up from the Sprite Fox, though, because he wants it. He wants it so much. He at least is telling me it's desirable. The Sprite Fox wants no one to enjoy it. Because you dump Sprite in the ocean, even if you could scoop up that bit of the ocean, you've ruined the Sprite. Salty. It's going to be overpowered by the taste of the ocean. ruin salty it's going to be overpowered by the taste of the ocean and you think like is he like trying to turn the whole ocean into sprite so like everyone can put a straw into it and drink it no

he makes very clear that that's not his intention at all he knows that that could never happen the swiss miss eagle really wants swiss miss what i don't understand are why do the other why do those other birds know how to make swiss miss there's something cute about smaller birds helping an eagle but where did they get the understanding of swiss miss it makes it seem like it's a product for birds something that you'd pick up at pampered birds in atwater and i don't and and i don't imagine that birds couldn't enjoy swiss miss and that's not my gripe with it but but that doesn't make people necessarily want to eat it yeah should have a person helping the eagle or you should have a person scolding the eagle going

you silly eagle this is not for you. This is for us. From a safe distance. Yeah, because it's a real eagle on that commercial as well. Yes. And you can't restrain an eagle with your hands. No. I mean, it seems like you can see people kind of reaching out to grab it, but it's way up in the sky.

It's like really far. It's really far away. Well, yeah, there's a guy leaning out of a plane trying to talk to it, which again, it's, you know. It's shot from the ground. Yeah. You can barely tell what's going on. It's zoomed way in, and it's very blurry.

Anyway, that was in my pilot uh and your dad just said jesus christ this is not for me yeah i'm not your audience he said oh okay which is uh you know i would argue that's not true i only made it to show him and i spent a good deal of time in in the financial uh but anyway uh but yeah there was this was yeah the swiss miss eagle of time in the financial. But anyway, but yeah, there was the Swiss Miss Eagle. Of course, the Chase Bank Wasp made an appearance. What makes him a Chase Bank Wasp, I'm not sure. So that thing really doesn't make sense to me because the implication is that if you use a chase atm the chase bank wasp will fly

out and sting you on your eyeball why would i ever ever want to use a chase atm and it said well and it's all the fees too and it says that this will happen to you if you use the Chase ATM. They seem to think that people will enjoy that. That's not a strategy that a lot of banks use, which is they're trying to get people that are like, is this for real? To get down there. And then once they get to the Chase Bank, a representative is out there and going, it's not real. But now come on and let us tell you why this is a great bank and that what is that what happens because i've been terrified to try it yeah i'm curious but i just don't i mean i don't want to find out for myself because if it is real so there's two scenarios for me one is i feel like i've been lied to i get the money okay good but i

pay all these fees because it's not my bank, mainly because they've been advertising they have wasps. The second scenario is I haven't been lied to, I'm not betrayed, but that wasp comes and really gets me and really stings me on my eyeball. And that's mean. And it's sorry, which I appreciate. I like that. Yeah,'s sorry, which I appreciate. I like that it – Yeah, it immediately is filled with remorse. It doesn't take any joy.

It's like this is what I have to do because Chase Bank is making me do this. And you see – and it's dying as it's sorry. It's very – because, you know, it pulls its whole guts out, which just that visual. I hesitate to even talk about it. But the visual of the stinger going into somebody's eyeball and then you watch the intestines or whatever they are, that wasp being like dragged out of its thorax. Yeah. Well, to explain, they zoom in on the wasp's face. It feels a great deal of shame.

It turns its stinger upon itself. Because, of course, it's not a bee. A bee won't sting and it's dead. You're not implying that that's what happens to the wasp. No. No, it turns its stinger on itself and then, you know, rips its own guts out with the stinger by way of apology. Yeah, again, it's a mixed bag for me. I like

that it's not happy, it stung the eye, but I don't necessarily want to see this living creature suffer. Yes, why did it do it? And in so many variations on this spot. So many bank commercials are just white noise. And what I do like is that one really gets you thinking about, you know, the world that we live in right now.

Yeah. Yeah, right, because the banks are corrupt. Too big to fail. Mm-hmm. Will you speak on that, Joe? That the banks are too – about how the banks got so big? The banks are corrupt, too big to fail. Mm-hmm. Will you speak on that, Joe? That the banks are too – about how the banks got so big? Banks are corrupt, too big to fail. Yeah.

You know, I think part of the problem with the whole thing is regulation. There should be a greater degree of regulation. I think interest rates are bananas right now. And I also get worried about the standard. And that's the sound, of course, of the AIG jellyfish. And we do. And we start talking about business regulation as one of our sponsors now. Part of the Brandon content that we've incorporated into the show is we have to mention that the AIG jellyfish does come and also does sting someone on their eye.

Now, it's less of a willful decision on the part of a jellyfish. They sort of go where the current dictates. Right. So it is less malicious, but it still just seems like an odd. I guess I get it as like go with the flow is sort of AIG's whole idea. Don't look too closely at us or what we're doing. That's something that all the banks have in common right now. Yes.

But yeah, even that, it just seemed, and I shouldn't even be saying this, but it seems strange for that to be your Brandon. Well, just to try. You got to run you gotta run no no no okay sorry the way you wound up well well thanks for that's it for me coming on the show no yeah well okay but what were you gonna say i think that you know commercials are content and content are commercials just to bring us back to that idea of like everything that we've talked about so far have all been content. But, oh, excuse me, they've all been commercials. Ah, yes. But I think you take the product out of there and it sounds like content.

Yeah. Which is a little bit of what we're trying to do over at Wolf Cool. Yeah, because they are the same thing. Yes, and Wolf Cool doesn't have existing contracts with products, which is why we do try to incorporate so many. And talk about just one of the web series that you're going to launch. Oh, yeah. The whole thing is like we want to go – people love watching web series. Most people wake up and go, give me a web series to watch.

So what we want to do is we want to make a web series that's going to be fun for people in the morning about what they're into not until i've had my web series exactly that's good you know so what's something like you know maybe a couple of a couple of ghosts that are roommates. You know? Like, that doesn't have any... Random shit. Yeah, random. Like, do ghosts... Totally fucking random. Hey, are you trying

to tell me that after I'm dead that I'm going to have to deal with the same headaches of having a roommate that I have when I'm alive? Yeah, I would hope that when I'm a ghost

I can afford my own place or I live only with living beings. Yes. But instead, it's two ghosts rooming together it's four ghosts okay and now tell me and tell me how did you have this idea well we just went into the fun room at the wolf cool branded content uh hq and we were just putting up ideas on the board oh that's not done that room is not finished what the room with all that with the no lights in it it's fun and there's no chairs so there's lots of space oh jump around and stuff no i mean there's no they're just slats yeah

and there's no lights oh it's fun i love it it's like gonna it's like an adventure in there you gotta hop around and it's great oh it's just a very dangerous room but anyway am i not allowed to go in there anymore uh you are i mean i mean well tell us about some of the products the ghosts are using uh they're the one ghost is very you know he's into brushing his teeth okay okay he's into area he's just into gentle hygiene in general so he's using uh colgate and then in one episode he's like his big dilemma is he accidentally uses one of the other ghosts, Aquafresh. Okay. And he's like, I like this better, but I'm a Colgate guy. What the, you know, who am I?

So one of them is going to have to pay and then he can make his decision in the next episode. Excuse me? So we're showing Colgate and Aquafresh this episode, right? Yeah. And then we go, well, next episode he's going to pick which one he uses for good. Yeah, or. Okay, no, I'm sorry. I jumped the gun.

Or what? Or there's a world where he, at the end of it, the curveball that you don't see coming is he ends up being a crest guy. Mix him up? Oh, okay. No, that's one thing that, and this isn't something, I'm not anticipating what these corporations are going to say, because that's not why we're doing this. We're doing this to make a fun show. But like, I think they're probably not going to want their toothpaste mixed up with another toothpaste. Right.

So this is a rule. This is illuminating for me, sort of. What? A toothpaste Arnold Palmer. Mixing toothpaste. Yes. Yeah. Also, but. To create an palm. Mixing toothpaste. Yes. To create an entirely new flavor of toothpaste. Would that be a rule from the company?

Maybe. But also, that just doesn't make me laugh. Just the mixing of the toothpaste. So it's purely a creative decision. It just doesn't make me laugh. And practically, it doesn't work the way you would think it would. And I wasn't trying to make you laugh. Where you just put the tips against each other and squeeze both. They don't. And I wasn't trying to way you would think it it would and i wasn't trying to put the tips against each other and squeeze both they don't and i wasn't trying to make you laugh and if i was you'd know

it because you'd be losing it can i say the whole thing with the ghost brushing their teeth i'm so this is i'm so glad to hear you explain this because having seen it what they're actually using is a hair dryer just like spraying a hair dryer on their teeth uh-huh and is that what is the thinking behind that's supposed to connote brushing somehow is there a reason that they couldn't use actual toothbrushes yes because i didn't i didn't understand that watching that watching it to be a commercial for toothpaste it's not a commercial it's brand branding content yeah it's not a commercial it's a web series it's branding content well that's helpful yeah no no you the ghosts can't in the world that we have created's not cold, they need to use something hotter. And so they put – and this is a big part of the web series is explaining this.

They put toothpaste on the rim of a Conair hairdryer, which is another product that just happens to be in there because it makes me laugh. And then they turn it on and then it sort of blasts like a toothpaste gas into their mouth. What have you combined two different hairdryer brands? You know, maybe. Use them both.

Yeah, maybe. Put the springs from one another. That's good. I like that. Was that to make that was that to me that's was that to make joe laugh just the way you said it it sounded like you were uh no i'm just reaching for a laugh pitching why is that funny that idea funny i don't i mean i don't think it it doesn't make me laugh yeah okay then i guess you weren't. Huh? You weren't trying then.

No, I... Because he wouldn't know. No, it almost is like... The point is that it's not going to make you laugh. It's anti-comedy? I don't like that because I think Kaufman's a fraud. Andy Kaufman? Fraud.

People say he's a genius, but I think he's a total fraud is he a fraud a genius a scoundrel a maven yeah please weigh in is he a lunatic is he a madman is he maybe the most brilliant comedian we've ever seen and is there any difference is he a wrestler is he a foreign man is he a sitcom star or dishwasher bus boy is he a lover sing singing song singer is he a song singer yes uh is he from long island long islander yeah it's mysterious we'll never know yeah he's coming back though yeah that's so weird because it's his ghost that you use for the if you think andy is coming back i mean it's such a big part a lot to the ghost, him being the main ghost roommate. He's the one whose name's on the lease. Mm-hmm.

Yeah, well, he's got good credit. Yeah, and he uses a Bic brand pen to sign the lease, and we make a big meal out of that. Yeah. That's nice. That's great. And just one pen.

You don't need to add another one. I don't think anyone was going to suggest adding a second pen. I know, but I'm saying. It's part of the branding. Pilot. No need to even mention Pilot pens. He's using Bic and the two inks. There's nothing comedic about that, the two different kinds.

Although, you know, if he did it, if it wasn't two pens at one time, but it was a one-letter Bic pen, one-letter Pilot pen, one-letter Bic pen, everybody. Oh, you like that. Sort of an Arnold Palmer. And then, yeah, and then the landlord's like, hurry up, I got other apartments to rent. It's taking too long.

But that is a big part of the branding. You don't need to use two at once. Yeah. Brandon told me that. Who? Yeah. Who? Oh, it was all set up for the real.

We told you that Paul F. Tompkins wasn't going to come in here and be branded content. But that was only so when he did come in here. What an amazing thrill it would be. Having Paul F. Tompkins on the show to play branded content. Sorry, stuck in traffic. Boy, I really got to pee. I really got to go pee. Well, Paul left.

I think he went to the bathroom. Yeah. But that was such a thrill to have Brandon Conte here. And it kind of makes the whole episode make sense. In retrospect, it makes it actually, it was good. Go back and listen again and you'll hear all the clues that were set up along the way. Well, Andrew T's coming in.

Oh, yes. I accidentally put my mouth too close to the mic at one point and I touched it with my mouth. And you summoned Andrew T? Yes. It's sort of like a Bloody Mary thing. If you touch the mic with your mouth,

then Andrew T will appear. Just the one time? Yes. Oh, wow. Yes. Usually it's multiple actions. It makes it a bit more deliberate. No, if you do it again, he goes away. Yeah. Okay. If you do it a third time, you become him.

Oh. Mm-hmm. And then fourth time, there is no fourth time. Well, then you're him. You're him. Then it's him doing it. Announcing somebody else's sins. He's allowed to do it.

Yeah. You'd have to ask him what happens to him when that happens. Well, he'll be here any minute, so we'll be able to do it. Good. I'm glad. I want to find out if it's racist yeah good I have no idea if it's racist or not

anyway stay tuned he's on right after this so don't go anywhere that's part of how the podcasts are all we've requested specifically that ours lead in. I don't see any other scenario.

What are you doing after this? What do you have coming up? Anything you're doing that you want to plug? What's Schmidt going to do? Today? Yeah. Schmidt going to do? Today? Yeah. Schmidt's on his own today because it's Saturday.

He's going to figure it out himself. Do you ever worry about not giving Schmidt something to do and so he's just like, do you ever feel like, just like taking him out for a walk, so to speak, like inventing some fun stuff

for the character to do, just kind of on your off time, so he doesn't just, like, get restless. So, what, yeah, no. I don't worry about that. Because he's just sitting, like, over the weekend, the character is just kind of, like, sitting around.

Because I imagine if they're not, if there aren't stories being generated for the characters that they sort of go into a pod and they go to sleep that's what i'm saying and so but don't you you just are comfortable leaving them in the in the pod yeah yeah the whole hiatus yeah i i think it's i think they're a lot safer in the pod oh schmidt versus winston go um go okay well who versus schmidt versus winston so i think it you know in terms of who's gonna is it the battle of who's in the A story? Well, no. No? Just Schmidt versus Winston, go.

Okay. Well, they're friends. Mm-hmm. And, you know, they're probably going to be fighting over Nick's affection to a certain degree. Oh, okay. Because they've both been friends with Nick at different times in their lives. I wonder if this is racist. Is that Andrew T.?

Andrew T. He's here and he's ready to record. Andrew! What's up? Hi, will you just come in here and do the promo? Just say, like, stay tuned because my show's on next. Yeah, stay tuned. Yeah, my show coming up soon

yep stay tuned Yo Is This Racist is coming up next bye bye bye Hollywood Handbook

is brought to you by Wolf Cool Productions a subsidiary of Calvin and Hobbes ow baby See you by Wolf Cool Productions, a subsidiary of Calvin and Hobbes. Ow, baby. That was a HeadGum Podcast.