Hollywood Handbook - Joe Wengert, Our Clean Comedy Friend

Episode Date: June 9, 2020

JOE WENGERT returns to help The Boys make a PG version of the podcast. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

this is a head gum podcast three seconds recording and we're at five seven seconds recording so far and we just passed nine seconds do we need to be synced i bet 13 seconds that'll be helpful just so we don't have to but it could be cool if we did figure it out okay just the same as looking at the audio track and just like hearing the voice say the number of seconds in addition to seeing it i think will right will be useful for it's good for sam yeah and so i guess probably every 45 seconds let's say we'll announce what time we're at just so sam can track it okay uh and that's just that's one of the challenges but also one of the things that's kind of cool about uh doing this over zoom is that people can

kind of track along at home and maybe start their own microphone to pretend they're in the conversation and yeah okay great now are we doing it every 45 seconds from the start or are we checking doesn't have to be exact doesn't have to be exact. And your 45 seconds might not be mine, which is part of why we do it, right? So for me, it's at a minute and 13 seconds right now. So I'll probably do it again somewhere around just shy of two minutes. Is there a way that the check-in could be every 60 seconds? Because I feel like that might be easier for me in terms of the math of it all 60 seconds from at 13 from the 45 or from from 113 uh sure i mean i was just thinking

we could just you know sort of just as we even talk about this we do have to figure it out pretty quickly because i am coming up on my next 45 seconds. So if it's going to be 60 rather than 45, then I do need to know. And we're all in the same time zone, right? That, uh, Joe, uh, have you traveled? I assume that we are. Cause I'd have to adjust an hour and a head or an hour back. So it's at 40. So I just missed the 45 seconds. So it has to be 60 now cause I just missed it. Cause it was one 58. Okay. Well, I'm going to'm gonna do i'm gonna do 45 seconds because i feel like that's kind of now you want to do 45 i can't now i can't i'm 213

because you went to 60 okay you went you went over to 60 because well we can make it higher but we can't make it lower now than 60 because i waited for you which which is a little my show, but right, which is it's fine. I want you to be comfortable. You're the guest. But I do. I do think then we have to go higher than 60 even, which is going to get kind of ridiculous. OK, let's just do a minute 45. And then I feel like we're that's a good compromise. We're doing everybody wants a little bit. If we could only talk about it in terms of seconds, though. So let's say 105 seconds. Every 105 seconds. Sure.

Great. I think that's fine. Let's do that. And now the only thing for me is the digital output on my audio recorder is giving me it in minutes and seconds, which is unfortunate because now I kind of wish it was just all seconds. Is there Kevin or Sam, can you get me into my, sort of the mainframe of my computer so that I can change the output

of my QuickTime reporter? What's your Wi-Fi? I haven't hacked a mainframe in... Well, I don't think you'll need to be able to hack. Well, you might have to. My Wi-Fi is Joe Peanut. And then my... And I just missed my minute 45,

so we're going to have to extend it again. Okay. All right. So Sam's internet appears to have dropped out just before he said how long it's been since he last hacked a mainframe. Oh, there he is. You're back, Sam. sam all right do you guys want to start yeah just say how finish your sentence about how long it's been since you

last hacked a mainframe just so we have that can't say it's been on this show yeah i got out of the joint about two years ago so i'd say three years got it well there's been innovations but i i think maybe not so much that it wouldn't be outside of the realm of possibility that i don't think so many things you want to catch sam up on some of the innovations of the last two years okay well i guess it'd be easier to sort of take us all back to 2018 so at that point absolutely i know for me uh i was using rocket mail and um so i think one of the bigger changes from then to now is most people like 99 of people are on rocket mail and now i would say a good 50 of those people have moved over to google mail so a lot of people are using google mail um hey are people still asking jeeves oh man wow so this is further is that important for the way you do stuff

yeah jeeves is my main provider he gets his mail he gets a lot of his mail jeeves please show me my mail you guys want a theme song yes please yeah and sean if you want to whenever you're ready i can't are you saying something whenever you're ready hayes take it away hear me i'm prepared for you to start it. And whenever you go, I'm going to follow your lead. Okay. I can hear you. The volume was a little loud on the song, so I didn't hear the beginning of you.

But I know you started the show. So you can really. Yes. Go ahead. Yeah. And it's the ball's in your court. And I'm ready to back you up. What do you got, brother?

I am saying I'm initiating. Do you need him to play the song again? Go ahead. Yes, go ahead. Yes. Play the song again. Did we lose Sam? And Sam is gone.

Sam's gone. So we don't have the song. We don't have the song. Oh, I can play the song for you. One second. Okay. All right. Is it playing? the song we don't have the song oh i can play the song for you one second okay all right is it playing i'm hearing it yes you are hearing the song you hear it i'm getting the song yeah i

don't have it ah and it just kicked in for me and now it's dropped out so where is it for you are you is it ending for you i was getting it no i can't anymore i was getting it through my headphones okay should i take my headphones off is it coming out of my computer it couldn't hurt to see what happens if you take your headphones off all right i'm taking my headphones off so i'm not gonna be able to hear your voice i don't think okay i'll do a lot of like gesticulations and sort of yeah just signal me if I should put them back on, but I'm going to see if I can hear it when I take them off. Okay. Okay.

Can you hear it? Well, I guess you can't hear me. It's playing for me right now. Playing for me. I'll tell Sean. And he's doing kind of a chef's kiss. He likes the song. Oh, he loves the song.

It's delicious it's grooving so my headphones are back on so um i didn't hear a thing when i took them off we had it i was getting just i was getting just the vocal track oh i was getting the full thing you. You could hear the whole song. Okay. Okay. Yeah, I could hear the rat-a-tat of the drums and the sort of tinkle-tinkle of the piano and everything in addition to the... Joe, do you have a musical background?

Are you... Just in hearing the terminology that you're using, it feels like you maybe studied with... Yeah. I'm a student of it. I'm a student of it. I'm a lover of it. Um, but you know, it's, you know, it's not, it's not my full time thing, you know? No.

Well, that's it. That keeps it fun to put a ring on it. You know, music is just music. Yeah. Is your side mistress side B word. Yeah. Me and coffee broke up oh yeah music or dating now oh that's because originally sleep and i had broken up sleep and i i was with sleep for a long time sleep and i broke up and i was then dating coffee uh for a while uh and my ex sleep was not really a big part of my life because coffee and i were constantly together um coffee and i now have broken up uh you know good time you and sleep

i just want to say like you the way you handle exchanging the kid which is of course milk yes uh is like very mature very like while you don't necessarily have like a great interpersonal relationship like when it comes to milk you guys uh are like very good about everything we want to keep milk's best interest at heart, obviously milk and sleep deserve to have a relationship. But coffee and milk and I also should stay in touch. And that's true now with music and milk. Music is a part of milk's life. And I hope that that flour flourishes i was afraid about introducing them a little too soon when i did pour the milk on my music uh which could have gone either way

but they've been actually getting along great yeah and did we lose sam sam may be gone um but we got two theme songs out of them which is more than he would usually contribute to the show welcome to hollywood handbook the insider's guide to kicking butt and dropping names of the red carpet linebacker always of this industry we call showbiz what we have uh joe wenger america's number one clean comic here with us today joe it is so great to have you uh talk about i've heard you talk about that you know like uh just one-on-one before and then like kind of group like salon settings but like why clean comedy is edgier than swearing why the choice to never go blue is actually the boldest uh most punk rock thing you can do as a comedian and about your uh your philosophy that is really interesting to me

which is that not swearing should be rated r because that is actually the edgier more counterculture decision that people are that like less ready for because it is so bold and not swearing should be rated r and keeping your clothes on should be rated r yeah rated r you know and depending on what type of clothes you're rated uh wearing uh you know maybe even rated nc-17 okay can you go into more specifics on the kind of clothes that should be rated X? Well, I just think it's obscene sometimes with the amount of clothes. Like the more clothes you put on, the more you're getting in the way of the sort of natural beauty of the human form. The human skin.

Yeah. of the the human form the human skin yeah uh-huh yes well and and it also is perverse right to uh tease and scintillate and to say hey everything that you you know think you want to see sexually is right behind here oh no now it's behind here oh no now it's behind here and forcing the imagination to go to some of these more depraved places whereas if you just see the body no big deal it's the body yes anything anything could be under a big bulky coat you know yeah i'm imagining wild insane things yeah could be a big penis up there. It could. A big what?

A penis? No, there could be an enormous penis. And we've talked about this on the show before, of course. But I do think when I see a body, I go, hey, I got one of those. But when I see a big, giant coat coat which i do not have and i'm not allowed to have uh i do go what is it freaking penis in there and where is it and so you're not allowed to have a coat did you say yeah it's part of the settlement between sleep and I. And obviously, coffee also got possession of some of the coats.

And any coat that I have is technically, even if I purchase a new one, is the property of either sleep or coffee. Okay, so I will say something, and it will seem like a joke, I think. But my thing stopped recording at 804 okay so this is why actually we're doing this is why we were supposed to be checking in every 105 seconds and that's sort of explained you remember if we had done the 45 seconds we would have lost almost nothing on that and why do we think that that happened? That the recording stopped? That maybe the file got too large for my computer,

which doesn't bode well for the whole podcast, I would say, for the episode. Okay. Did you... I would possibly start a new recording. Okay. Don't delete what you just did yeah don't delete it delete it delete it now ideally then you'll have like an eight minute recording and then like a 12 minute recording and then that will be the entirety of the episode i did have this happen once joe and

i never figured out what it was i think think it was during our famous Alan Yang episode, which is really good. Well, now it looks like it's recording. Okay, but can you hear Sean? Because he was actually about to tell a story. I was telling a story. And what happened to me was I think around... I didn't get Sean because I got the theme song

is kicked back in pretty soon as I was able to sit. Okay. And what I'm doing now is I'm hearing us talking about whether or not we can hear the theme song. Okay, I'm going to take my headphones off then. Okay. So you are hearing the episode.

You're hearing possibly that you're listening to the eight minute file that you have just and i'm getting the theme song it's coming from somewhere outside uh-huh the theme song is happening here is that where sam went it sam may be outside holding the blue box over his head say anything style playing the theme song in an attempt to reunite so joe you listen to the song you enjoy the song and sean if you want to finish your story and then we can actually i don't think we have actually heard joe talk about clean comedy yet i would act really like to hear this well this gives me an idea actually too though that if someone wants to make a youtube video where it is the um the scene from say anything okay so the theme song finished for

me now i can't hear it anymore from say anything playing out of the boombox that lloyd dobler is holding above his head and that's how he wins back ioni sky but what would be coming out of the boombox it would be the theme song from our show that's cool yeah could be funny that could be a really good meme so uh did we finish the alan yang story oh uh it was just that i was just trying to connect to joe a little bit he seemed sort of yeah nervous and um honestly he was acting fucked up and i was just oh okay coming up and that's kind of a little bit anything to i know that language you don't love okay that's a little bit of why i feel this way i'm worried about it because i feel you know a little out of my depth with some of the technological things but then also these um letter after e-bombs that i'm a little bit worried about i don't even like to tread into yeah and you like how it is babyish and how well here's the thing

rated b for baby and lots wherearing should be rated R for really good I mean I agree with that because comedy who likes to laugh it's basically everybody except for people that are having you know sort of severe jaw issues

and so my comedy I'm trying to reach everyone except for those people uh that have sensitivity to the jaw and those people aren't welcome at my shows or to consume any of my comedy um so if as long as your jaw's fine come in and bring grandma and bring the kids and bring everybody. Oh, yeah? Doing okay here. Can we hear that again? Really nice noise.

Ah. Yeah. Yeah, that's a good... Those teeth are really connecting very hard yeah can we what are we doing today kevin joe's gonna help us make pg versions of the podcast okay so basically we we have this deal going through it's not finalized but um scripts which we all know is sort of a lame duck, is hopefully being acquired by the Disney Corporation. They've lost a lot of money on theme parks being closed and everything else during COVID.

And really, they've seen the only path out for them is the Hard Nation back catalog, which generates the majority of the revenue for Earwolf Script, etc. They want to buy it at a premium, but so much of the content, because of their corporate philosophy of being family friendly and being clean, so much of the content they cannot use. And so we have been tasked with helping this deal go through, and we are good partners. We are going to take some of our behind the paywall episodes that have some frankly pretty nasty uh and schnarsty language and and kevin is uh has has pulled some of the more egregious clips and we've hired you america's

number one clean comic to help us dub over sections that would not be acceptable to disney uh so that they you know i was a kid we would watch a movie on uh tbs or something right we watched the breakfast club and unfortunately john hughes was a little bit of had a bit of a potty pen and he would dip his pen in the freaking toilet water before he wrote some of this pen and he would dip his pen in the freaking toilet water before he wrote some of this stuff and they would say f words even the teens in the movie yeah and so what they did which was nice for me when i was a kid as i would watch it and they would say flipping fly swatter right yeah something like that something that look you know look the same

same number of syllables but was not and from from my vantage point an improvement i think so much more interesting so i've never heard anybody say that before that was what i like and that was to replace uh what was in the actual movie which was fucking bussy swatter yeah which was something that um anthony michael hall's character says at the very very end i didn't love that you said that there hayes but this is educational we have to give the because like if we're gonna hear this it gets very nasty in these clips and it does get nasty as well frankly and and that's fine i just worry about me i have a big tour coming up this summer i don't want to have that be jeopardized in any way so if you're going to say anything you

are still touring that's on the tour is still booked yes uh i guess not still booked because you have sort of taken advantage of this moment to go on tour i yes these are new dates that i've put up uh mid april to towards the end of april uh but i just feel like people need to laugh right now we need to have a release um and so i gotta get out there but i want people to be there and looking at me and going oh he wasn't present in any sort of situation where any of these words have been said ever um so maybe we can do something and obviously don't keep this as part of the video slash audio podcast but like if you guys do say something like that if there's a way that just in post we can um photoshop me or i guess video shop me uh-huh again technology has changed a lot

the past 10 years video shop me walking out of frame when you guys say this sort of stuff or play these sort of clips and immediately after coming back in with like a snack and going what did i miss yeah exactly or it doesn't have to be. It could be like a picnic basket falls on my head. And then the people would have believed that I don't even hear what was just said because my head's being covered. You're getting a snack either way. You get a snack out of the deal. Yeah.

And that's that I'll leave up to you guys and to your team of whatever you think is best. I am still recording and I've crossed the 8 minute 15 second mark okay uh that's huge if we can just keep checking in at those intervals that would be that's gonna help us yeah great for sync the other i finally am no longer hearing the song or us talking or anything anymore so that's also do you want me to just just stop for you do you want to give us a uh hey i'm back what did i miss just to make kevin's life easier so you can be re-entering the conversation after eating something you maybe with a mouthful of yogurt or something

yeah okay uh yeah i'll have to mind the Yeah, and it's like spilling out. But I've got water here, so I'll just use water as yogurt. Okay. Oh, hey, guys, I'm back. Just grabbed some snack. Whoa, the yogurt that my wife bought is so strange. It's very clear and thin and not viscous in the way that i normally expect it to be what are we talking about and just do it again but what did i miss sure

and i honestly think we will need a little more explanation over why the yogurt sounds like guys i'm all caught. I heard everything from where I was. No, no, no. We need to take this again. We need to take this again. You didn't say anything about the yogurt this time, which really was not reading as yogurt on camera at all. So we do need some sort of backstory for it.

And I think just your wife buying it at the store is not going to cut it. There has to be some sort of backstory for it and i think just your wife buying it like at the store is not going to cut it there has to be some kind of the whole idea is that you missed what we were saying not that right not that you heard everything this is for you this to protect you joe this is what we're going to play when you guys are using the net the schnarsky language okay right okay let me go back okay um and just try to take this again and not just schnarsty it's narsty as well is it narsty also in terms of schnarsty okay all right and can a word be those things at the same time can they hold can a word hold both of both of those qualities or are they normally one is uh god i mean i guess we go. We'll take it case by case as we listen, and we'll decide which is which.

Whoa, did you guys miss me? My wife, guess what they're doing now? Remember Crystal Pepsi? Well, guess what? This is Crystal Yogurt, and it's just like that, except it's not carbonated because it's yogurt, but it is clear, and it is the voice of a new generation. What's happening?

So I love so much of this. You did not say what did I miss. You said, my wife, guess what they're doing now? Yeah. Remember, Christopher? And it only made sense in the context of having heard your first take where you did say that your wife had purchased the yogurt and that it was strange. But without that being in and you didn't really i don't think you really address the viscosity

just the opacity and what we're hearing is actually it doesn't really matter what you say about whether or not it's clear because we can't hear that it's what you're really hearing is the not like a hard glug of yogurt but just like a easy slurp of water yeah it sounds like it's just like extremely wet and slippery and if you're gonna bring your wife into this and she's going to be complicit i think first of all you should probably talk to her about that um it is fraud. It is. You have to tie that. So if you're going to bring it up, you do have to tie it. You know, we have to get closure on referencing. Finish it.

If you just say her name and then start describing a product, we're not going to make that connection. Yeah. have to sort of get into the canoe with her right now because she is kind of peeved at me because we had to cancel a lot of our other summer plans for the tour that i've been working on yes we were taking this big uh riverboat cruise um all through uh the uh the sort of you know the American South and you can't do that now murder mystery murder mystery old South Antebellum cruise it's a murder mystery

a different passenger gets murdered quote unquote murdered every night and then you get off at the next stop so anyway I don't want to get into that with her. So I'm going to, all right, what did I miss? And let's do it, right? Yeah, texture of the yogurt, yeah.

Okay. Oh, what did I miss, guys? It is a yummy treat for me to have yogurt where I really put it through the magic bullet and mix it with vodka. So much vodka. And it's mostly vodka, more vodka than yogurt. it's mostly vodka more vodka than yogurt and it gets it into a very thin state that's good for me to get that stuff in my body i need it in there asap great that was good i hazed you any notes no he did i mean he did not say what did i miss which was one of the two first thing he said wasn't it oh okay great that's good i was expecting it at the end because there's not yeah but we can always move that around we got it

i say what the important thing is we got everything that we need we can stitch that together hey we're stitcher right says your premium let's so let do we get to hear one of these clips now kevin here we go here's the first clip okay hollywood comedy should be aggressive and exhausting i'm a killer hollywood started over and i i gotta know who this is that was dc pearson okay ho Ham. Comedy should be aggressive and exhausting. I'm a killer. I am a killer out there. I am a trained fucking assassin. Coming for

your laughs, man. I'm wearing your laughs on a fucking chain around my neck. I'm loaded for bear, laughs wise. And I am gonna to fucking scalp you. Oh boy. And fuck your dead body with my comedy dick.

Hollywood handbook. Okay. So we obviously do need to dub over a couple of those words. Yeah. That was something you were, and we'll have to do do the go to the other episodes where you said that that was like well that was a bit of a catchphrase there was like one spring when you were saying that a lot i was saying that yeah i guess it was just mostly for one entire spring of episodes so it was every week for three months or so yeah um so we'll we'll plug it in but i i think it'll match up if we just get one so joe do you have

because you're the master of this do you have something that's as impactful as uh obviously we can all agree that clip was good um and describes use the so just for like comic sensibility as well as that so fuck your dead body with my comedy dick let's start there um okay well i think you just have to sort of break it down to what's the sort of real thing that you're getting at that's relatable to everybody that grandma can enjoy that the kids can enjoy and everything so i think the the first part of it is um you've found something that you didn't expect to find maybe am i reading into too much with that with the dead body is it now is it a dead body or is

it my dead body it's yours it's it was your dead body yeah so like i mean my first my initial my mind goes to like love your dead body with my comedy hug okay but i but i go well am i just pasting over it and does it carry the same intent when i say that i i actually to me that i i actually think it's a bit funnier just because I think hugs are just, I mean, you guys know I have this whole bit about hugs are just a slow motion tickle where you're using both your arms. And so it just makes me think of that. I've seen this kill. I am glad you brought that up because most people do not hug that way. They don't hug right.

So I'm not saying it's like right or wrong, but when you deliver that joke, I do see some people. There is a lot of surprise. That's not really what I do. It is like for me. Wait a minute. I open up the New york times by accident anything good i just have to stay current i'm constantly doing that yeah uh yeah so like oh okay that's interesting that's funny but it's not like my experience of a hug is not really

a slow motion tickle but it's educational too because it is telling people like this is how you should be hugging and then you do go you get hey guys i've seen this bit a few times you go hey guys remember that christian side hug music video and then you perform the entire thing uh which i just love seeing someone do without the music. Yeah. Well, I've got, you know, it's great to sort of change up and not just find different, you know, media and using all of my talents. And, you know, music is my mistress. And so getting music involved is always great in that way. Yeah.

She's stepping out on me then because we're she and i are are dating so um that and it's not an issue for me because we have an open relationship me and music yeah and i'm not jealous at all um because i know that at the end of the day i'm her main squeeze but like for you joe it's like open relation you say like it's not an issue it's like encouraged like you to say it's open you have like permanently removed the locks from the doors that is open 24 hours oh yeah it's it's um it yeah the more the merrier and what i often say to music i say hey as you know uh i don't i don't care where you get your appetite as long as you're eating dinner at home and dinner is served with milk this is your child my child yes hollywood handbook be a better you in 2024 with Babbel, the science-backed language learning app that actually works.

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i never have to get on the phone with customer service the subscriptions are insidious they're the scourge of our modern life and you never realize what you're subscribing to or that you're still being charged i know that i was about 19 dresses into receiving each one of the 27 dresses from the movie 27 dresses before i found out how much it was costing yes that they intended to send me by the way you'll this will shock you 54 dresses if i did not cancel and i you know oh that one's got an end point by like dress 14 15 i think it starts to become clear like these aren't the dresses oh no they were not from the movie they didn't resemble anything from the movie they were not they were either way too big or way too small for a human to wear yeah and one of them was a dressing yeah one of them was it was it was a vinaigrette it was a raspberry vinaigrette. It was a raspberry vinaigrette.

It was a French raspberry vinaigrette dressing. They'll even try to get you a refund for the last couple months of wasted money and negotiate to lower your bills for you by up to 20%. All you have to do is take a picture of your bill, and Rocket Money takes care of the rest. They have over 5 million users and have helped save its members an average of 720 a year with over 500 million dollars in canceled subscriptions and that was i mean just to be fully transparent that 500 million was most of that was the the dresses

well yeah i mean you're talking about hollywoodabilia. You're talking about like ornate gowns, you know, in some cases. And so that was, yeah, that was costing me a lot, a lot, a lot. Stop wasting money on things you don't use. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions by going to rocketmoney.com slash the boys. That's rocketmoney.com slash the boys. Rocketmoney.com slash the boys. Hollywood handbook. So we'll dub that in and uh yeah uh well let's just hear the next clip kevin okay this is with jason manzoukas you know to be like oh great who

do we need to talk who should we be chatting up yeah and more importantly who's on their period yeah or who's not or who's not. Or who's not for a change. Yeah, because I know the three of us love to fuck girls on their periods, but a couple of our other friends were not into it, which is what made our friend group. Hollywood handbook. So again, that is sort of a representation of what the show used to be for. That is sort of a representation of what the show used to be for, like... For that one crazy spring where I think we were maybe overcompensating a little bit.

You know, you guys are trying to grow past it. You don't have to explain yourself every time. Okay. You're okay in my book. It was one spring. If that's what you're worried about. I mean, it was a single spring. That's okay.

People grow and evolve, and you're here to sort of uh do real comedy with me you're cooped up all winter then the first as soon as you hear the robin let his songbird fly you just want to get out there and talk about narsty and schnarsty stuff and you just don't realize sometimes if you don't do that you're actually the song sounds a little sweeter and i do object are you still hearing wait sorry joe are you still hearing the song yeah i'm hearing it now okay the theme song yeah well you were just saying it sounds sweeter and i like i thought it had stopped for you but you are still hearing it no it sounds like uh a sort of a remaster was done and maybe, you know, we just sort of got in there with a great producer and just sort of went over the old tapes and tracks and sort of, you know, bumped the sounds up and cleaned them off and rearranged them.

And, you know, so when I hear this this clip i agree it's not family friendly i agree we should uh find something to dub over it you did describe it as nasty and schnarcy where i think the core concept underneath it is actually quite beautiful really the language is blunt but if we could keep that core concept yes that would be nice of thinking that women and their bodies and their cycle is beautiful and something to be celebrated and not necessarily because i actually had an issue with that too because i saw two trouble spots yeah girls having their i you know if there's just a way, what's a good substitute for that? Girls having their, well, you know.

Their visitor, their. Maybe special visit. Special visit, okay. Does that, then I get a little bit worried that that almost seems a little bit like. Is it too vague? No, no, no. Like a special visitor, I assume always is a lover. Right.

Then that's getting us back into hanky-panky, which is another tough area that I don't love. Right. Maybe, you know what, let's skip to this. Sometimes for me, when I'm doing this with my material, if I'm just focused on a single word, it's almost impossible. But if I'm focused on a larger chunk of offending ideas. Okay, this is a totally different clip

with Jess St. Clair and Lennon Parnum. Hollywood handbook. One time when I was having sex. Yeah. She spotted. Yeah. She spotted a Wolverine action figure. Oh, I'm sorry.

I thought you meant she spotted the little girl. I thought she had a period intermittently, which is also called spotting. Oh, no. That would be... That's grounds for dismissal.

Instantly, you're out of the house. Hollywood handbook. So, do they cancel each other out? Do they cancel each other out, the two clips, you mean? This was from the following spring. Yeah, they indicate sort of opposite sentiments. So, if someone's mad about one thing then i think we already have this other clip pulled and we just play that one instead it's like well you must like this

i don't follow the logic on that you didn't hear any of it no i get the theme song again and that's why i was like i don't know what you guys want me to replace in this because actually your theme song is very nice. I play it for my grandma all the time. So, do you have another clip? Okay. Okay. Okay.

Right. I have no problem with any of those except for the second guy sounded like you were hearing something different joe i heard the theme song for a second there but you sounded like you were responding to speech no i heard you guys talking to uh a guest about some stuff that god for me to even describe it to you will be difficult for me now okay yeah it was too but you at one point said no problem with any of those except for the second guy so it sounds like richard gear is an issue for you if you were hearing the theme song no i wasn't i was hearing you guys talk to a guest and you were getting into some blue material okay are you able to say who if you can't talk

about the material are you able to say who the the guest was so we could maybe like narrow down because this is tough because i heard the theme song you heard the clip that we now need to discuss but you can't share it with us but it's hard for me to share it. Yeah. Yeah. Because I had I kind of had an issue with the second guy and what he was saying. And, you know, he was talking about, you know, blueberries. And I think you guys know what I mean when I say blueberries. OK. And he was talking about how he likes to stuff an envelope full of blueberries. OK.

Now, I'm not familiar with this concept this sounds i think you guys know what i really disgusting okay it's actually but this is not something i've ever heard about to me this is more graphic yeah than anything we've heard up to this point but do you know you follow the comedy scene could you tell from the voice like who it was so maybe we can narrow down i could give you an episode age range um okay i would say it's probably uh older that's everybody oh okay yeah older than who i was gonna say older than kindy gardner um and then younger than moses maybe would be the range i would give older than kind um and then younger than moses maybe would be the range i would give older than kindergartner younger than moses um okay well moses has been different ages

moses was all kinds of ages yeah so is it now than moses today i was thinking classic moses just like the idea that we all have in our minds. Yeah. The main Moses. With Moses. Yeah. The main Moses. Maybe we should just move on to another clip.

Okay. He was talking about stuffing a envelope with blueberries and taking it home and never talking about it ever again. Okay. Wow. Wow. And I think you guys know what I mean when I say taking it home and never talking about it ever again okay wow wow and yeah i think you guys know what i mean when i say taking it home i really know but i am really bad close but what what i'm guessing is really really bad do you know what i mean when i say never talking about it ever again i hope not okay this is a is a clip with Paul Russ talking about an embarrassing moment with Helen Mirren. Okay.

Hollywood handbook. And she, I shook her hand, and I guess she squeezed it just a little harder than I expected. I queefed. Thank God she queefed at the same time. To put you at ease. Yeah. She's just, she's a pro.

You know, she could tell that I was uncomfortable. But you've been in this business for that long. And there's a lot of celebrities, I'll be honest, who would have just let me queef and be embarrassed about it and kind of have that power trip of like, I know you did. I've never queefed. Hollywood handbook.

We had just sort of discovered this concept, I remember. Really? I actually didn't have any problem with this clip. Okay. Because I love to queef. I queef all the time. And when I'm sort of meal planning for the week, and I'm thinking, what do I want to eat this week?

I'm like, I know I'm going to want to queef this week. It's food. Food does certain foods. Because I don't think of it as like a digestive. It's not connected to the digestive system at all. You guys are missing out then. It's the first thing I do. I get inside the grocery store and I walk up to the butcher counter and I, you know, get some of the finest, you know, the queen's beef.

And I take it home and I prepare it in a variety of ways. And I me and my family will queef with that. And it's great. And I mean, I queef so much that my wife is like, sometimes I think queefing is your job. And I'm like, I wish it was. It's my part-time job. Queefing is my part-time job. I wish that queefing was my full-time job.

Because I would queef Saturdays, Sundays, every day of the week. I'd get off the road finally, you know, and just sit at home and queef. To be fair, you just said I'd get off the road finally, but this is your first tour. Yeah, you're just starting my first tour. You just set up. But I'm feeling it already, though. It's just, you know. The lifestyle can be pretty lonely.

I'm a homebody, you it's true it's gonna be hard okay the queen's beef this is at the store well it's if there's not one type of meat that's considered the queen's beef it's whatever the most expensive day yes it's whatever the most expensive cut of beef at your local butcher or grocery store is and then you come home and you bake it in the oven with a little crown on top and then it's the queen's beef the queen's beef okay wow all right that's interesting so that clip is that it gets a pass and we don't have to redo that great and disney will actually maybe like it i think so it's fun to think about i eat the same stuff helen murin eats they're just like us yeah

and paul rust this next clip is from a pro version hollywood handbook the hormone estrogen it goes it injects itself into your breast and it swells to enormous size. A nation of soy boys with unbelievably juicy gazankas. Kevin is vegan and I have never been willing to address this before, but it's reached a situation where I cannot avoid it any longer. Kevin has become stacked. Kevin, when I see Kevin, oftentimes he will be up on a ladder

fixing something on the other side of the divider in the studio so that I can't see his head and face. I can only see him essentially from the neck down. And the first thing i think is i would and i do just want to say since then i barely notice it anymore like at the time it was something i would like think about a lot but like i we never talk about it it's been a great learning uh opportunity for me about societal change and how things that seem jarring at first if you just don't draw the focus there and you just give yourself a little time you can adjust and it will become the new normal right it's part of the furniture at this

point and it honestly could be furniture it It could be a beanbag chair. Each of them. Flotation device. You guys are treading into sort of a little bit spicy waters for me right now, even just talking about that. Okay. We'll back up. I just think when you're talking about body parts, I think when you're talking about body parts, part of the thing that I think a lot of people think they're being clean comics when they say things like beanbags or flotation device because you're sort of replacing the word with a thing that isn't something that we normally consider dirty. But you have to go one more step away because i can so easily figure out

what part you're talking about and then i'm thinking about it and then i am a mess mentally and physically and it's all i can think so you need to fully disguise the intent and my tongue is on the floor i need release i need this thought to be out of my mind uh-huh you're not dealing with mr jekyll anymore you're not me excuse me yes you're not dealing with mr jekyll anymore you're dealing with mr hyde because it will i don't have a doctorate so i don't go from dr jekyll to mr you're not you're never dr jekyll but you Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde. You're never Dr. Jekyll, but you are Mr. Jekyll normally. And unfortunately, you can also become Mr. Hyde. So we describe furniture that is less like the part.

Is that? So instead of a beanbag chair, we might say that could be a tasteful ottoman ottoman i still have a problem with because i've told my i say like a square ottoman is okay or rectangular so many of them around and i just can't have the round one well and there's also the sort of poof ottoman that is just, yeah, just essentially a fancier beanbag chair. Maybe an end table, bedside table. Yeah, I mean, for me, I always have a different issue with bedside tables

because I think of them as four you-know-whats coming off of a very flat you-know-what, you know? Uh-huh. That's how I think of an end table, a bedside table. It's four you-know-whats shooting out of a very flat you-know-what, and so it can't have those in the bedroom. Okay.

No place for that kind of stuff in the bedroom. In the drawer. I mean, like, just in terms of the end table, the four things are drawers that shoot out of the kind of superstructure no no oh my no no okay you don't know what then i think i do know what and it is for you know what's coming out of the you know what so it is a flat you know what a flat you know what that's larger yes i think

i don't okay and i can see you physically becoming a mess what if i like what if i said it's is break front too evocative now i don't know what that is i don't know what. What's a break front? It's sort of a hutch. It's often like a glass-doored hutch. It's like a free-standing shelving unit. If you can locate a piece of furniture that I'm unfamiliar with, that would be the way to go. And that's what I do in my shows if I do have to talk about that kind of stuff.

Two big chester fields hanging on hanging off the front of us chester fields is a problem because this the first uh syllable yeah it's a huge of it again and okay then i am just roiling inside my body so this addresses how we refer to it just now but it does not address the original clip yeah in any way yes is there anything you can do with that yes good call hayes this didn't help us you use the letter after f word towards the end and i think that's okay i think that's a good strategy to try and use some sort of gibberish okay like you did um the problem with that word is it in it sort of has the shape of the thing somehow so i think you want to go to a different sort of gibberish that doesn't have it at all you know so just you take up a totally made up word that doesn't mean anything

in reality and say like instead instead of i'm looking at that huge pair of you know what you say i'm looking at that huge pair of quibbies or something like a word that doesn't have any other sort of meaning could it be the name of a pokemon a pokemon monster huge pair of articunos a pocket monster a pocket monster? A pocket monster. I mean, obviously, you don't want to go with Jigglypuff, but... A huge pair of pocket monsters. And that's where my mind went. Or Wigglytuff, honestly.

Any evolution of Jigglypuff. Honestly, even Snorlax, I would say, is a little bit too much. It's getting me sort of charged up, yes. And then I don't want to talk about me too because i find him to be erotic in other ways this is a whole problem area yeah okay okay so then quibby was your pitch i guess you are the expert so we work or just anything just like something that's a nonsense word that doesn't have any sort of other meaning yes a couple of quibbies okay that's helpful i think we can plug that in any sort of other meaning. Yes. Couple of quibbies. Mm-hmm.

Okay, that's helpful. I think we can plug that in. Hollywood Handbook. Well, there's a reason they call me the March Maniac. I get maniacal around this time of year because March Ma-Ma-Ma-Mania is happening in DraftKings Sportsbook. One of America's top-rated sportsbook apps

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21 plus age varies by jurisdiction void in ontario bonus bets expire 168 hours after issuance see dkng.com slash b ball for eligibility and deposit restrictions terms and responsible gaming resources life can be ridiculous but you know what's not funny getting ripped off and harry's agrees so what we want to talk about today with sorry you said harry's or harry i said harry's we always talk about harry's first and then we talk about you clean harry uh who are sort of our new noted mask i don't know note taken for this campaign talk about harry's first what we want to talk about is something funny that happened to you recently great a ridiculous or fun situation that you were in okay recently that's

the prompt and that'll take us into discussing the product particularly the product funny to me or funny to just anyone i i mean do you you feel like there's a difference there like you yeah i mean i've had things happen to me that i suppose you would find funny okay but that you didn't find funny and and you have not really and you have things that have happened that you would find funny but the rest of the world would not yeah i guess i'm interested in that one that i would find funny yes but that others would not find funny you seem to think that you have like a specific taste when it comes to what's funny or ridiculous that is not i ordered uh um like a scented spray for my pillow to help me sleep at night like a lavender scent okay and uh they accidentally sent me two okay so you understand that most people would not buy that

funny or ridiculous but but you but you do i just had a little chuckle about the mix up at the at the shipping uh warehouse harry saw customers getting screwed over by questionable that's a come up overpriced shaving product harry on the come up i decided to do something better instead of charging the same stupid high prices harry's found their own way double scent bottle beautifully designed razors for a fraction of the price of other big brands except bogo baby exceptional products honest prices i don't is there a bogo as part of this because i don't want to be like talking about no but that's what happened that are no but i clean harry punk harry's two bottles buy one get one their deodorant their lotion their body, their body wash, their hair gel, all very high-quality products.

They all smell great. German engineer blades made in their own factory. They stay sharp longer. You get a five-blade razor, weighted handle, foaming shave gel, and a travel cover for just $3 at harrys.com slash the boys. Highest customer satisfaction in the shaving industry no risk trial don't like your shave no worries it's on them getting ripped off isn't funny do you want to hear what happened to me that you might find yes yes sure but that you didn't

yeah so you're attuned to this stuff i got my foot stuck in the dryer at the laundromat and it somehow turned on. And you know that that was something other people would find funny based on the responses you were getting. A lot of people inside that laundromat seemed to find it pretty humorous when my legs started spinning around and flipping me over.

What happened was I was holding my laundry basket with both hands and i saw oh still a sock left in the dryer so i stuck my foot and tried to pick it up with my little toesies i wear sandals punk and as i'm picking it up i just sort tripped, and my foot got wedged in between. There's like slats in there, and it's stuck inside there. And then, I don't know who, somebody pushed the button or what, but it turned on, and the thing starts flipping over. And I'm flying in circles. Help, punk! Help me, you punks! Are your clothes staying in the basket, or are you going fast? No, no, no no i'm wearing

all of them by the end of the cycle get started with a 13 trial set for just three dollars at harry's.com slash the boys that's harry's.com slash the boys for a three dollar trial set okay great this next clip i think we can apply the same rules. Hollywood hamper. Brett's dick is going through the ground. Yeah, all the different layers of the Earth's crust. And it's beating the devil in hell. Maybe it kills the devil. So after the Cody flashback, we should see Brett's dick ruling hell. Well, what I was thinking is that Brett's dick is the one force of pure

goodness in the world, and the devil is the force of pure evil, and so these two enemies are finally face to face. Hollywood handbook. So, yeah, is there a word? Is there not a Pokemon name? We were doing a comic book. Yeah, we were coming up with a comic book idea.

Kind of a naughty comic book. Yeah. I'll take a comic book idea kind of a naughty comic book yeah yeah yeah i'll take the hit it was a little naughty yeah you know i mean obviously there's one major offender here and um that's the one word to describe brett's body part for me okay that i don't like either i don't like to think about going subterranean in any way that it's the burrowing there's too much an issue for you yes it's well physically i think if you think about burrowing or or digging that to me resembles something that i do behind closed doors with my wife um just the physical movement of burrowing so that's an issue and then i just think under in the in the soil and in the earth is where there's a lot of that

sort of like you know temptation lies you know uh-huh because worms look like worms worms look like to me you could in a way take four worms and attach them to a really flat you know what and you've got a sexy end table you've got the sexiest end table uh that beetle juice has ever seen so that's an issue for me okay so is there any way where he could be i mean i also laterally or yes or i was gonna say maybe he is ruling heaven and yeah grammy and grampy are there and he's ruling it with his um you know sorry joe's fits to double back to words that we're not supposed to use, you did use the B word, the name of Mr. Juice. You said the sexiest endable that. And that, for this show, we have used that name once on the show before, so you've now taken our second usage of it.

It carries over. Just to stop off, if it does get used used a third time we will summon him into the podcast and so i am hoping that you have the wherewithal to refrain uh certainly uh as someone who prides himself on uh having control over his language a little bit i'm not angry but i do want to bring it no it's your show it's your show show. It's your show, and I respect you. That's right. And I respect that. And for me, I just think as a guest,

anytime I do, obviously I'm doing a lot of podcasts into the ramp up to this tour. And, you know, one of the first things, and maybe it's not even you, maybe it's like sports staff or something. No offense, Kevin, but usually one of the first things when and maybe it's not even you, maybe it's like sports staff or something. No offense, Kevin, but usually one of the first things when I get in the room, they update me on what the keyword count is. Just so I know, are we starting from zero? Do we have an issue where we're close to him coming?

Do we have my personal nightmare, which is he's there and he's just saying the most outrageous things. And being vulgar as hell. Oh, my God. And gesticulating and all of that stuff that I absolutely hate. But but that's but OK, this is where we are. And now we know. And now I have to count.

That's it. And it's I appreciate you being receptive. But we have Brett is ruling heaven with Grammy and Grampy are there and he's using his. He's using his closed fist, I think would be just like another thing that you could use that's funny and it doesn't have any sort of. Closed fist for me is erotic because of what I'm so often closing it around. i'm so often closing it around and then also if it's like the fist is closed and then it's traveling off really far then yeah that that could be very dangerous okay and is it we have to have him ruling it with a body part could it be he's ruling it with uh you know if we can match the audio or or even just a vibe if he's ruling it with a chill vibe chill vibe do we want to have something

that's the same number of syllables and the same sort of linguistic shape as the offending word or i do have a question about where you mentioned doing comedy for Grammy and also playing our podcast for Grammy. But Grammy is in heaven as well. So I just want to like, is that you are playing our podcast for Grammy in heaven? Well, sure. Grammy in heaven? Well, sure. Yeah, when I go,

well, first of all, I don't think I'm alone in this. Yeah. I have a lot of Grammys. I have more than one Grammy because my parents have remarried a couple of times each. So I don't have just the one Grammy. I got more Grammys

that I can barely keep track of so some of them are with us and some of them come to my show and they know they're going to have a good time and they don't have to worry about feeling uncomfortable Joe I don't know maybe I'm the weird one I only have two I have one for best comedy album and one for best debut hip hop artist

oh I see what's happening here you think I'm talking about the you know an award for musical excellence. How many nanas do you have? Let me ask you that question. I had one huge one. And you had one huge one.

What'd you do with it? I haven't thought about it in quite some time. I think it turned brown and I baked it into a bread during quarantine like everybody else. Are you hearing the song? I am. No, I'm not. Okay, I am getting it too.

And that might be our cue to wrap it up. Yeah. I do have to get going but this has been invaluable yeah this has been so helpful Joe well I'm glad yeah no problem anything you want to plug for I mean I guess you have

your tour where can we find tickets to that do you have a website up I am having issues with I guess you have your tour. Where can we find tickets to that? Do you have a website up? I am having issues with every, all things technological here. And so I don't have that. What I've been asking to do is I've been posting the tour dates outside of my house on a piece of paper. And I'm asking people to just come over there, congregate there, check out the tour dates. Okay. We got it. We just got to go. Sorry. Bye. I'm a horny girl wolf. This has been an Earwolf production. Executive produced by Scott Aukerman, Colin Anderson, and Chris Bannon.

For more information and content, visit Earwolf.com. Ow. That was a HeadGum Podcast.