Hollywood Handbook - John Cochran Again, Our Close Friend

Episode Date: August 24, 2015

The boys spill some secrets from your favorite Hollywood celebs.  Then, JOHN COCHRAN is back on the show to set the record straight about exactly what's going with his mom, his time on Survivor, what he did with that sweet prize money, his canceled sitcom, and the development of his new pilot.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. So I'm at the starting line with Feist. Say, one, two, three, go. We run the first part. I pull out a beer to do, a beer to chug the beer. She pulls out a can of SpaghettiOs. Huh? And it opens with a can opener.

Whoa, what? Because I said, let's race, assuming beer mile. And she says, great. I've got my cans on me. So I assume we're on the same page. But she is beating me. She gets this can open with the opener. With? Spaghetti O's.

In one. She doesn't even use the winder. She just uses her hand and just cranks the lid off, just shears it away and eats. It's like the big can. It's not the small mini can. No, I'm picturing the right can. Eats the can in one swallow. You can see the cylindrical shape go down her throat.

And she's not a fast runner. So I would catch up to her on the running portion. Yeah. And then once she got to the, what for me was just like drinking a beer, she would eat the can of SpaghettiOs in the way that would seem to, almost reverse time. It was so quick. Who is she?

She sang the computer song. Ah, yes. Hey, welcome to Hollywood Handbook, an insider's guide to kicking butt and dropping names on the red carpet, linebacker, callways of this industry we call showbiz. And no saucy whatupwhatup. Scandalous. I don't think you should do it like that.

Shouldn't do it in that style? You think I shouldn't editorialize and sort of say what it is? No, you can say what it is, but I just think that's a little too provocative. Yeah, exactly. It should just be friendly. There just shouldn't be any connotation. I do worry about turning kids on

too early. If you get pre-sexualized before you really know what you want and you sort of, let's say they're riding in their car with mommy and then they hear, oh, what up, what up? That's saucy like the one I did. And then they say, what is this feeling I'm experiencing? What is this? Is there a name for it? Yes. What is this?

Is there a name for it? Yes. And then what can happen if they're strapped in their car seat, having that is then from now on they can only bus when they see the back seat of a minivan. And it just creates this association for them. It's inescapable. So we agree. Yes.

You all know about... I know. We'll edit it out but you know i'm bad i have to but that's too bad we have to okay go ahead what were you saying oh secrets we've all got them and we all want to get our hands on them got one and it's like a butthole or something that people say about yes buttholes yes secrets are like buttholes we've all got them and we all want to get a peek at each other's now and one of the biggest secrets that you hear about in hollywood is plastic surgery this is where the version of it that you probably know in certain parts of the country is taking a Tupperware container, putting it over your face and lying out in the sun until it melts over your face. Sort of more smooth face onto your face, which is sort of the simple old version of it. But they've actually advanced the science quite a bit out here so that you don't have

to have a sticky Tupperware face. What you can have is a face that look more like human skin, but also does make you look younger in the same way. They put the plastic under the skin instead of on top. Yeah, they take your face off, put Tupperware on, and then lay your skin over the Tupperware, pull it taut. And they leave, instead of putting straw pieces into your nose so you can breathe, they just cut little holes out.

We talk about transparency on the show and secrets. We like making things public on the show. We're not scared. We don't necessarily think it's fair that everyone wants to hide information from the public so that only Hollywood can have it. And we want it to be an even playing field for you guys. And people, usually if we tell someone secrets, they'll call and say, thank you, it was tough having a secret.

It makes your belly hurt. Yeah. So what we want to do today is take... Makes your pee spray everywhere. If you have too big a secret. Because it makes you, yes, it makes you hold your thumb on the end like a hose. Yes, because you're so tense and it makes it go everywhere. So what we want to do today, it's a game.

What's the name of this game? Oh, it's called... Plastico... Paper or Plastico Fantastico. That's right. Paper or Plastico Fantastico. Because normally, we have this file cabinet filled with names of... Yes, and it's got the medical charts and names for basically everyone on IMDb Pro.

And so what we'll do every once in a while is pull out a file and just for fun see, well, what kind of work have they had done and what sort of ailments have they had, and we just sort of get it all out there. So what we'd like to do today is share people's private medical records on our show. Would you like to open up the cabinet? The cabinet? Okay. And you can give something for me to read.

All right. Well, let me get the tool and it's time to put it apply it to the cabinet squink and it's open so So here we go. And I'm just grabbing a file and I've got my blindfold on. And I grabbed a file and I threw it at you. And did you catch it or did you catch it?

I didn't even see. Yeah, I caught it. Do you want to read it? I'll hold it up for you to read. Okay, and I'll look at it. Oh, I see. This is quite a sussy one. Because I don't want it to seem like I'm reading a different name.

Because you have to read the name, and then I'll give the information. So it's not like I'm scared of the name that's there, and I'm making up a name. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Okay. And it's Pete Possilthwaite. Pete Possilthwaite. Pete Possilthwaite.

Okay. You know how he is bald? No. You used to have hair. You remember there were movies. When he was little. Yes. He had the top of his...

Bean. Bean replaced. It's cake. Uh-huh yeah set on the set of um i guess it was usual suspects he was the lawyer and uh benicio del toro del toro would go around the set of that movie just like in passing as like a joke. He would like lick people's heads. Ah, because it's like, like you would lick a donut or something and be like, that's mine.

Yeah. And he would just like lick people and be like, you're that nobody else. You're mine now. Yeah. And it's his way of letting you know that he likes you. Yes. And it's not,

and it's not sexual. And it honestly, when it happens to you, it doesn't feel like it does. It's very, uh, it's very affectionate. No. And honestly, when it happens to you, it doesn't feel like it does. It's very affectionate. No. It's just like a flick.

And sometimes he even does it for a long time, and he's sort of fondling you. And it still is not sexual. It's just a friendly thing. The thing that's not sexual about it is it kind of hurts. And even the tongue hurts because it's very dry. Yeah. He won't let himself have water during the movie and so he will be walking around with his tongue sticking out and that's where he gets that distinctive speech and you can feel all the

buds all the individual buds and a lot of the time which are like dinner they'll be sort of trying to escape yes he has like four now because they've kind of merged together and a lot of them will try to escape the tongue and they'll kind of sucker on and then a piece of them will stay there when he removes the tongue which you can hear it's louder when it's coming off than when it comes on but they're both loud and so i mean you see where this is going yeah he did it to p it was his birthday uh on set and you know pete knows that benicio's coming around with his tongue yeah because he says i'm coming oh yeah no you you get a telegram he were he rings a bell and there's a speech. There's like a proceeding.

It's very formal. And he thanks everyone. He tends to get very emotional when he gives the speech. He's so lucky to be doing this and to have the career he's had. And then he goes around with the tongue. But this was on his birthday, which he didn't think anyone knew about uh and so when he went into pete poslethwaite's head he took back a big chunk of of cake and now you can't reverse that process so now it is still cake which you can do all this stuff with like fondant. It honestly can look like almost anything.

Yes. And so that's just a sort of mild plastic surgery. And you look at Pete Postlethwaite and you know he's had work done to be sort of beautiful, which is just the way it is. Science does that for people. Do you want me to open the file cabinet and give you someone to... Do I have a choice? To read about. Do I have a choice?

Okay. I'll do open the cabinet. And it's open, and I'll pull out a five. This is a big one. Oh, boy. This is a fat. I didn't choose it because it was fat. I chose it at random. But this one is very heavy.

It's for Patrick Fugit. Patrick. Oh, he's going to be so peeved. He was the famous boy. The little boy. And almost famous. He was almost famous. And he was police in Gone Girl.

So think about it. So obviously in between those two films, you feel like, hmm, I really didn't see much Patrick Fugate in between those two films. Well, that's where you're wrong. Patrick, through a series of surgeries, some major, some minor, became Ashley Green from the Twilight movies. And so, you know, if you'll remember, Almost Famous, this guy's on a rocket ship. We think he's going to be a big honking deal.

He does Spun or whatever that drugs movie was. Yes, it was Spun. And then he's sort of, and that's like even higher, bigger than Almost Famous, I think, because it had Mickey Rourke. And so then after that, you go like, oh, I'll probably be seeing him more, and he suddenly disappears. But who arrives on the scene? Oh, it's Ashley Green, who had naked pics once.

And is in the Twilight movies being not Bella but one of them. And she is acting with a style we've maybe seen before where she's not putting too much on it, but there's something there. Not making a lot of faces or anything, but definitely talking for sure. Yes. And that, my friends, was vintage Fugit. So he's doing that for a little while. And it seems to be going well.

And he's happy. And we, of course, had a few dinners during that and some photography sessions. But anyway, all of a sudden, there's no more Twilight movies. And now who comes back and is Gone Girl? Yes. of a sudden there's no more Twilight movies and now who comes back and is Gone Girl. Yes. Well, now let me, some idiot is going to ask you, what about Staten Island Summer? That of course came out after Gone Girl. Yes. And once you've had these surgeries that Patrick had, it's pretty easy to flip plot back and forth. You know, it's kind of like not quite as easy as like putting on and taking off a pair of glasses,

but getting into and out of a wetsuit when you're fully clothed. So it's definitely a process, and it's not pleasant, but it is possible. And so that's just a little peek into what Patrick Ashley have been doing do we want to talk about some of the mail we got I guess let me go get it and then you you can introduce it and I'll go get the stuff well we got mail which is great and I always check the mail when I come in and it's always for Rana and Bev and it's for Jake Fogelness, people who don't even really do podcasts every week like me and Hayes do for you. And so today, imagine my surprise shock, really, when I found a big box for us. We've got a couple cards, one for my birthday, one for Hayes for not having a birthday. Explain

that. And one, and then some candy for the kid, and he's loving it. I wish it was dark chocolate, quite frankly, not milk chocolate, but whatever. Like it, munching it. But then a big box came, and that said, okay, it's from Midas, the Midas Touch. The return address is for Midas Auto Parts in Toledo, Ohio, and we got a bunch of hats. I think like almost 30 hats that say America. And have American flag. And have a flag on them.

We got audio books of Angels and Demons and Eat, Pray, Love from the library. Very illegal. We got a bunch of diskettes that are huge. And it looks like they are from Midas Auto Parts. They have like break sales inventory and stuff. And they're like one foot by one foot. And they're from like the mid-80s. Nature Valley granola bars. As. Nature Valley granola bars.

A box of Nature Valley granola bars. The sweet and salty almond. Choose your own adventure book. Choose your own adventure book. You are a millionaire that only has the prices for Australia and New Zealand on the back. That's another interesting clue. And then a baffling

magazine. An excerpt from a magazine. I don't know if it's a magazine or just some kind of fold-open ad for a magician and a psychic named Ross Johnson. And there's a phone number on the back. It says a funny thing happened tomorrow. And that actually – Ryan, you want to get me in the hat? Well, and that actually – Ryan, you want to get me in the hat?

And when you say that now, it really makes me – tomorrow is not going to be a relaxed day for me. No. I mean, I love when a funny thing happens, but usually I'm the one making it happen. And so it's like, number one, if it's just me doing something funny, I knew that. Of course I'm going to do that. Like, number one, if it's just me doing something funny, I knew that. Of course I'm going to do that. And if it's not and it's something that happened to me that I don't know about,

then I'm just going to be on pins and needles. Yes, and so I guess tomorrow we'll just be thinking about the clues because I think this is designed so that we would take these to the police and they would be like, there's nothing we can do about this. and they would be like, there's nothing we can do about this. It's just enough to be an obvious threat but not actionable. It's very clever, and whoever you are, you're a worthy opponent, and this game of chess has just begun. So we want to mention we heard it, we got the signal,

and we, you know away at our counter move. We have John Cochran. John Cochran. We have a great guest today. You remember him from being on our show, Hollywood Handbook. Hollywood Handbook. So I say, I know what will cheer you up. And he goes, no, no, no, nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing.

And I go, come on, Gavin Rossdale, let's play egg roulette. And he's like, no, I'm not going to want to play that. And I was like, Gavin Rossdale, we got to play egg roulette. And I had hard boiled 11 of my dozen eggs earlier that day. And then I am smashing one on my head and showing him how it's fun and funny. And he's just like, I know I'm going to get the bad egg. I know I'm going to get the bad egg. And I'm like, no, Gavin, with that attitude, I bet you are. But I was going to give him it no matter what because I knew which one.

It's tough when you play it just two people just alone, when you just have someone over and you play that game. Because then if you lose, you're just driving home with an egg. Yes. And what I do, and this is a little warning not to play with me maybe is i mark it with a special ink and then i put on these orange glasses where i can see the ink and i always go like oh let's play i'll just put on my glasses it's bright in here isn't it and those glasses have like egg catching an egg catching just in case i wrong. Yes, just in case I do see it wrong.

I am protected because I could not get egg on me. I'm highly allergic. Hey, welcome to Hollywood Handbook. Welcome to Hollywood Handbook. And it's our guide to kicking button, dropping names in the red carpet, linebacker, callways of this industry we call showbiz. Ooh, what up, what up. Welcome back to a guest we've had in the past.

Who's here again and he's back. John Cochran. Cochran. Thank you so much for having me Now Cochran when we last spoke You were a millionaire who lived in a studio apartment With his mom who maybe is just a pile of bones Talk about that Yeah so I did want to address that And thank you for having me back again

But yeah there has been I've repeatedly gotten messages whether it's on twitter or other social media referencing my mom being as you said a skeleton skeleton because you let we should mother isn't feeling well we should catch people up last time you appeared on the show right you said that your mother was a reanimated bone woman. A woman made of bone warrior, I believe is the words you use in an attempt to frighten me. I mean, I'm happy to play back the audio. I find it very hard to believe that I have ever referenced my mom being reanimated.

Well, you'd have to subscribe to Howl, Cochran. That audio is over six months old. And to anyone who enjoys this episode, when you hear it, well, I hope that you go back and do your homework and get on Howl. Give Scripps that big old skrilla. This is what we're going to do. By the way, this is what we're going to do now, sort of our format, is to bring on old guests whose episodes were six months ago and talk about how good those episodes are. Only talk about stuff from that episode so that in order to enjoy it, you do have to hear the old one. I'm going to be a Howl premium subscriber.

And that's not something Earwolf asked us to do. It's not something they didn't ask us to do. It's something they insisted that we do. Right. Your mom. Yeah. to do it's not something they didn't ask us to do it's something they insisted that we do right um your mom yeah and my so my mom is is she lives just outside of washington dc lives undead you call that living she's 67 years old she's a perfectly sweet lady not the the claim that she i'm not sure if you actually – so you think that – just to clarify what your stance is, that I live with a pile of bones that how – in what universe is it capable for it to be reanimated? And you alluded to it maybe like dancing around in a frightening fashion or playing xylophones in a creepy way. And like that is – I've never witnessed that, maybe in like cartoons from the 1930s.

I don't know that it's a xylophone so much as it's playing its own ribcage in order to produce xylophone-like sounds. Yes, that's not a real xylophone. I don't know what your bill of goods, your scary mind. Turns its head all the way around and its shoulder sockets

and then drums down its spine with a little mallet to produce different sounds. Isn't that what you claimed? And it's a weird thing to be embarrassed of. From my perspective, it's like not a good, I mean, yeah, your mom's a skeleton. It's not a good or bad thing necessarily. It's a lot.

Yeah, to make a huge deal out of it. But to be crowing from the rooftops about it one minute and then trying to backpedal out of it the next makes me think, like, what's this guy really hiding? What else about this Skellington? Or is this dog a friggin' Franken-dog? I don't have a dog. Because it would get your mom's bones and bury them?

Mm-hmm. Is that what we're worried about, Connor? So my mom, she fosters dogs for a rescue back east. So she's more than capable of interacting with dogs. What kind? What kind of dog? What kind? A variety.

Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock. Stray dogs for a rescue. Sorry, I'm not were arrested. Fake. Fake. Busted. Dude, we should be on Mythbusters. You're dead meat. Now, what does she really do if she's not doing dogs?

I mean, she used to be a school teacher she used to teach before before she was changed forever changed the cursed magical spell and do you think that I somehow reanimated her or is this an independent decision she made I think you'd like

to think you did it yeah I think you'd like to take credit when really, let's face it, she's completely outside your control, Cochran. It's difficult for me to address it, because I don't believe in the possibility of a woman. First of all, she's not dead. She's perfectly healthy, living back east, northern Virginia. She's still married to my father.

They've been together for 40 years. My dad's a doctor. He's a perfectly normal guy. Dr. Frankenstein. His wicked experiments have gone wrong. I understand. She was hanging in his office, and they fell in love. Mm, I see.

So perhaps he's the xylophone player. Well, you've given me a lot to chaw on, that's for sure. Cochran, what's going on for you since you won a million dollars like a very long time ago? After attending Harvard. Yeah. So, I think, when was the last, was I on here a year ago or two years ago? I can't even remember.

Don't care. Okay. So, I survived Reddit two years ago, and shortly after that, as a result of being on the show, I got a job writing for a sitcom out here. The Millers. We're the Millers. Yep. Spider-Bus is a sitcom out here. The Millers. Where are the Millers? Yep, Spider-Bites Dude's Dick. Yeah.

Remember? I remember you being repeatedly referring to the Millers as where are the Millers. They're trying to go to Mexico. If you guys haven't seen Where are the Millers, it's a great sitcom Cochran created where the guys are trying to go to Mexico and the one kid finds Spider in his pants and the spider bites dude's dick and it gets crazy. And dude, best gag and it was in all the trailers and I think you should have done it ten more times. That's my only note. Yeah, so the Millers had Margot Martindale and Will Arnett and J.B. Smoove.

It was not – I mean I would be happy to take credit for the spider scene in Where the Millers. I agree that was a good movie, but it had nothing to do with me. That was a movie. I was working on a sitcom. Silking wet. Jennifer Aniston dances in the water. You remember this, Hayes? Yeah.

Speak on that. I mean, just in the abstract, it was like an erotic scene. I'll tell you, it probably would have looked like a spider bit. My, this dude's dick. You know, I'm on the set for that. Holy shit. Let's go back to Survivor. Yes.

The champion. You beat two women in their early 40s, one of whom had an autistic son. So you're referring to Sherry, who's a lovely woman that I did get to play. Why do you say every time you mention any woman, everyone's lovely? Yeah, they're all lovely. That's a little sexist, man. She's a strong, assertive woman. As you said, she has a wonderful son colby uh

i don't remember the other kid's name that's my cat's name yeah nice dry what's his real name three two one fake fake busted dude you gotta wake up pretty early in the morning sorry man you just picked the wrong motherfuckers to play with nah it's cool man it's cool but how come you wanted didn't want an autistic guy to have money uh well so and how much of it did you how much of it did you think was fair to share with them there's strict contractual things you're not allowed to share prize money on survivor and it's up to the jury to decide who wins. So I could not – if you have any problem with their decision-making process and feeling that I was the undeserving winner,

their money could have gone better – it would have been better spent on somebody else, then take it over to the jury. I just pleaded my case and – So you agree that you should not have won? I agree that – yeah, you're right. I went to the end with Sherry and this lady Dawn. Aha! He said you're right.

Write that down, Engineer Ryan. Sherry, mother of two, one of whom has autism. Right. Dawn, mother of six. Six adopted kids of different nationalities. Cochran, no even pets. Lives in an apartment. What did you go to school for?

I went to law school. The laws of the jungle, baby. What kind of law? I never practiced law. I worked in a government agency for a little bit. I probably would have ended up, had I not moved out here, The laws of the jungle, baby. What kind of law? I never practiced law. I worked in a government agency for a little bit. I probably would have ended up – had I not moved out here, I probably would have worked at – I don't know. You a spook?

CIA government spook? Okay. I got – okay. No, no, no. No, no. You accidentally crossed over into his rich catalog of racial slurs. Oh! That's entirely on him, by the way. He said government agency.

I knew exactly what you meant when you said it. Well, I didn't mean to cut you off if you have more questions, Cochran. Speak on that. What's going on, buddy? No, I don't work for the government in any capacity. I worked for the FCC for a little bit. I worked for Elizabeth Warren's agency for the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau.

And I moved out here. Was she a lovely woman? Yeah, why didn't you say she was lovely in every other woman you've mentioned? You've said they were very lovely. What happened? Not hot enough for you? I think she's gorgeous and she looks like uh and like annette benning from uh she was in like american beauty okay checks out so for the record that's two times we did bust him and one time that we didn't. So still, Seanan Hayes is winning.

Now, after Survivor, wait, did you have more questions about Survivor? No, I'm curious. What kinds of famous people have you met in this little magical mystery tour of Hollywood you've been on? And when do you go home? And when do I go home? Yes. The question is, what kinds of famous people have you met on this magical mystery tour of Hollywood, and when do you go home? Cinderella.

When does the term midnight, you're a pumpkin again is part of what K's wanted to know. You know what I mean? Well, right now. So, you know, I was working on the Millers, and that got canceled. That was the elephant in the room. That's got to be a wake-up call. Yeah. Because of your shit? I wonder.

They didn't like the spider bite. I always did wonder. To me, it felt like a natural ending. Go ahead. It seemed like a lot to get away with from a censorship perspective because you really see it swelling up in real time. Fox, maybe. Right. Fox maybe if it's on

at 1am or something. It's difficult for me to address just because I feel like I mentioned that you're referring to a movie starring Jason Sudeikis and Jennifer Aniston and Emma Roberts. To me it felt like that story was told but you had plans for a sequel or

something? Go on. Right. So the fact that I mentioned it's canceled would imply that it was a recurring show that was on every week. Whereas the film... Yeah, on Showtime. And see, that is one mistake

because for a show, you should do a different thing every week instead of showing the same movie over and over again. It's not an easy note to give. They'll show up once, they may even show up again next week. The third time I don't think they want to see that movie

anymore. For me, part of the game became trying to find if you were hiding little Easter eggs and differences from week to week, maybe. But I started to realize. Because as your friends, we did want to give it a real chance. And where were you watching it? Were you going to a theater to watch this every week?

Because that should have been a red flag that it's not. Like, I wrote for a TV show. I'm trying to remember where I'm watching it, Hayes. It was on the side of a truck. Aha. That's right. That you had to kind of run after. It wasn't going that fast.

No. It was a great way to stay in shape and also to support my friend Cochran, who has made this movie. It's like you're holding a projector and this truck is going by. And you track down the truck every week to rewatch it. Yeah, although I suspect it wasn't the same truck a lot of the time. Yeah. I mean, again, it feels like we're talking about two very different products.

Give me two products that are different. I'm trying to picture it. Just at random? I'm looking at there's a box of peanut brittle in front of me. No, not what's in the room. Then I get any two products, Pepsi and Coke. They're somewhat similar, but they're nonetheless different. I can see.

Come on. I'm just trying to get your train of thought. I can see. The Millers is the show I worked on. Where the Millers is a movie. I can get why there would be some initial confusion. They look exactly the same. There was even a challenge based on the fact that you could look at both of them and not

know which one tasted like which. And they'd try to trick you, but I'd always win. Okay, so it's referring to Pepsi and Coke again. What do you mean again? You just mentioned it. This is your thing. You just mentioned it. It's referring to Pepsi and Coke again.

You just started talking about it. Yeah. What's your favorite law? How much did you get paid for that? Yeah, what's your favorite law? What were you going to try and do? I did like intellectual property. But what is your favorite law?

Maybe like the fair use doctrine. That's your favorite law? If there's only that law, I could kill you right now. Imagine what that would be like. Please. People going around being thieves, stabbing. But, oh, thank goodness, nobody is. Yeah, unfair using.

Please. This is why we say use your bean. Before the show, we say when you come on, use your bean when you're talking. I just misunderstood. Run it through the bean first, and then don't spit it out your bean hole without knowing. Because it honestly is going to think about what kids are going to hear this and then think a fair use law as more important than stealing and murder. God.

You asked one of my favorite – I mean in terms of what would sustain a society, it would be a different answer. What? Probably something that would apply to murder because I feel like that would be the scariest crime to have running rampant. Not the one against it though. Just something applying to it. Something that – yeah. Listen to what's coming out of your bean hole right now. But then people could just steal each other's...

Like, people could just play our podcast and say it was them. Yeah, without paying for Howl. Yes, people could just get Howl for free. Anyone could be Howl now, not just Jeff Ulrich. You can't do that.

So I feel like you have to change your heart now. Well, why do you have to just choose one? Yeah. We should have a lot of laws. Yeah. That's something we say all the time. There should be a bunch. A lot.

There are a lot. Keep them off my body, but, you know, other than that. But it should technically just be one. It should just be one long one. So that's what you should have said. You should have said, I like the one that says no killing and? No unauthorized duplication of copyrighted material yes

keep your movie to yourself mm-hmm Cochran what are you cooking on these days let's dish

so get near the microphone when you speak okay young man all right okay there we go I uh

so when the show when the Millers got cancelled, I had to have a writing sample to get staffed on another show, and then I ended up selling the pilot that I wrote. Because you'd gotten hired the first time without having written anything. Right, yeah. Mm-hmm.

Which happens rather infrequently, yes. Yeah, no, I had an unconventional path to becoming a writer out here. And it shouldn't happen. And instead of saying, this seems like enough, you said, I need more. I really, really enjoyed it. I mean, like I said, I was in law school. I hated law school.

But the writing was the first thing that I— You just said you loved all these laws. I just – it's weird to me. Go ahead. But I felt like this was the first pursuit of mine that I actively enjoyed on a daily basis. So I wanted to keep doing it. So I wrote – You ever jerk off at work?

You got your own office, right? You ever work late, stay there a little late? Yeah. Sometimes the taping goes late and... Feel the need to release some pressure? You can go on the set when no one else is there. You have a key, right? Yeah.

There's like a little fake bathroom in there. Yeah, I can only do it in a bathroom set. No, I never masturbated at work. Only there. Well, you're making it sound like that's the only option. Why would I go out of my life? No, apparently your imagination allows you to jerk off all over the world. So, yeah, what's more appropriate than a bathroom?

I don't know, like a bedroom set? A bedroom, okay. And the set on the bedroom of We're the Millers, which I believe was inside an RV. Anyway, go ahead. So I wrote a pilot as a writing sample. I wrote a pilot as a writing sample and was taking meetings for staffing,

but then people started expressing interest in the pilot. So now I'm developing it with CBS Studios and hoping that something comes of it. So you're going to be a nice little worker bee on another show, but instead they said, why don't you take your own show, Mr. Man? You wrote one thing. It seems like you should be the boss and have the show. How's that going? Who bought it?

CBS Studios is who I'm working with. Oh, okay. What's it about? I feel like I shouldn't talk about what it's about. It's free publicity, my friend. Yeah, you might get a hell of a note from one of us, too. Sometimes gold falls out of this one's mouth. I'm pointing a haze.

But I don't know who's listening, and somebody might steal it or something. It already got sold. If you know anything about fair use law. This is your favorite law. The only thing it says is that they can't steal your idea. Wow, is that three bustings? That's the most bustings we've ever done on the show. Unbelievable.

What happens if you get busted too often? Well, three bustings equals one kick in the patootie, which we've never actually— I've never followed through with it. We've never actually— And it's never come up. We've never actually had to do. We've only done one and a half bustings before in the past. Okay. Are you willing to refrain from doing the kick then?

Oh, well, it doesn't happen now. It happens at some point when you're surprised. When you're asleep. Mm-hmm. Okay. It's not that hard. No. Enough to wake you up.

All right. What is the show? I mean, it's a... Have some pride in your great show. I'm about to go... Next week, I'm going to... We're pitching it to networks and stuff. Great. Practice.

Yeah. Let's do it. Here I am. This is nice, yeah. Less movies. Mm-hmm. Okay. John, I loved you on the Survivor Show.

That's a show of ours as well. We consider you a part of the CBS family. Jeff Probst called me and made me put you on a show for some reason. And inexplicably, I'd like to carry this relationship forward into another form. Marcus Wiley here. I may be interested in this as well. So you'd like to hear about the show Good start So

The basic premise Is that It's about a guy that's not dissimilar to me It's about a guy that's not dissimilar to me 20 something years old Kind of perpetually anxious A little bit of a nebbish guy. Would you say that in order to maybe eliminate the double negative

of not dissimilar to, you may want to say he's a guy. It's me. Like me. Or dissimilar, actually. All right, that's good. Keep going. Nebbish. Nebbish.

He lives with his mom. Okay. Okay, okay. Okay, yeah. And then what happens on full moon? She become more powerful? It's not a scary show. It's like very much a grounded kind of young person dating family. In the ground.

Yeah. He's digging her up. Yeah, I mean, this is going back to like what we discussed last time young person dating family. In the ground. Yeah. He's digging her up. Yeah. I mean, this is going back to like what we discussed last time where I can't be more, I don't know how much more clear I can be about like my mom is not dead and she was not reanimated.

She's not a pile of bones. She's a perfectly, I was going to say lovely, but she's, she's a good for you. La dee da. I mean, this guy's bragging.

Our friend here, man, Jack is a pile of boats. We had to reanimate. Okay. So you have, so you're's bragging. Our friend here, Jack, is a pile of boats we had to reanimate. Okay, so you're like bragging now, like trying to make us feel bad? I think it's amazing. Yeah, it was pretty impressive. You're describing it as this terrifying, kind of spooky,

and maybe slightly creepy relationship I had with my mom based on this. Oh, whoa. I was just asking about the show. I'm a curious guy. By the way, I'm... Plus, movies here. You're going to let me derail you? Me, Marcus Wiley?

I used to work at Fox. To challenge this person who has the power to buy your show, to change your life. Yeah. That's right. I shouldn't be so argumentative about it. Right. So I apologize for that. If I say your mom's

made of bones, then she's made of bones. You say, yes sir. How many? Alright, you're right. So just to clarify, in the sitcom, the mother character is not dead or reanimated or anything.

You've got my interest now, me, Rupert Boondocks. So you're going to die on that hill. Then executive says, what if she's made of bones and you insist that. Right. This is about the'm open to the possibility. The art for you. I don't need to have that much artistic integrity but I'm willing to take notes.

It's a creative process. Back out. Rupert Burndux. Only respect real artists. Give me back my feather boa. I'm leaving. Alright, so I lost Rupert. That's tough.

They're doing some cool stuff over there. You have Marcus Wiley, though. I don't think. And I still have Les, right? Les and Marcus? Les is here, yes. Okay. So, again again I'm more

like I'm happy I view the writing as a collaborative process I got notes when I was writing my pilot and I'm happy

to take more if you'd like the mother to take a different direction she's not a super primary character it's mainly about the young guy

who like I said is kind of is me and he has been corresponding online with this girl that he met on a dating website. They talk to each other on the phone, and they Skype and stuff,

and it's the first time he's really connected with a girl. Nev Schulman? Well, I mean, you have actually just very much predicted the punchline of the cold open. He gets catfished? He gets catfished. I would love to see that on TV. Yeah, catfish the show. Because they've only had a movie so far.

Yeah, they had a movie and they had a real show. And they've done it in, I think, several sitcoms. It's like the plot for one episode. But I would love to see it as like a whole show. So that's the whole show? Who's playing you? Who do you picture? I'd be curious to hear what you think, too.

I would say like a Michael Cera-y type. One of these kind of spindly, like, you know, wiry kind of guys that is good at looking nervous all the time. Okay. I'd say Charlene Yee. Jerry Stiller. Well, Jerry Stiller has to be at least 80 years old. You're too good for Jerry. And his wife.

Man's a pro. And his wife passed away recently. And I think that emotional plays. You can channel that, yeah. I think that emotional place to play you, I think that'll really help. There is a mom character, so she would have to be, I guess, older than Jerry Stiller? Well, I mean, she's of infinite age. Yeah. I mean, I don't want to be out of line.

I mean, I think you're thinking what I'm thinking. His mom is a skeleton. His dead wife is playing his mom. Yes. And I think Charlene's a great idea. We get her in there, too. I mean, she definitely could be sort of the spacey barista. Mm-hmm.

Yeah. I mean, I feel like we have slightly different visions for what the characters would be like. Is this taking shape for you? I mean, I think you have, like, it's an interesting idea of kind of, like, doing weird casting that I don't think that having— Weird? These people are megastars. Well, I think it would be difficult for Jerry Stiller to actually be able to do, like, a sitcom when he's having to act alongside, like, the remains of his dead wife. Oh, yeah.

It's going to have to be some fancy footwork contract-wise. I don't even just mean contractually, though. I'm thinking emotionally. He's probably still in mourning, and then to have to deliver jokes directed at or about his wife's remains. What kind of jokes? What joke? Let me hear a joke.

I'll tell you if Jerry could do it. From your show. Like, is something that your character, played by Jerry Stiller. Yeah. Saying to the bones of Amira. Okay, so it would be like there's a scene where the mother is baking cookies for the son. And she's put bone density vitamins into the cookie batter because she's concerned about the health of her son. And she's warning him about the chalky aftertaste to the cookies.

So why couldn't Jerry deliver that? It doesn't sound like he has a fucking line in the whole scene. That seems like a look. But the look might not be a, it should be more kind of like a shocked funny look instead of like one of grief. Dude, that's a pickup. I mean, you could get that look when she's not even there.

That's a pickup, yeah. Yeah, and frankly, it's shoot to cut. It's shoot to cut. It's, at this point, hearing the whole pitch, it's shoot to cut. Why is she, but she is bones. Shouldn't she be taking the bone vitamins? Yeah, I admit that The thing was written before.

I was aware it was going to be played by Bones. So I'd probably tweak it a little bit. Are you afraid Bones will sue you? It should be called Bones. That's an unfortunate fair use issue. Because, by the way, that show is not really doing what we're talking about,

which is really the story of Bones. It's a little bit. You're right. I think they just called it that because they cast David Bonianis. It's just a reference to the actor. it's like seinfeld yes i hate fair use now i wish we could call that show bones yeah and now all of a sudden your law sucks thanks a lot cochran well i'm sad that's the only joke in your show is just the ingredients of the cookies. That doesn't seem like it's going to come across.

They may not even know about it because she's not going to really be able to speak super clearly. Super clearly and he's not saying anything. Say it anything. I feel like that's going to be an ongoing problem if you have the bones. How will she ever deliver lines then? I think she can project them directly into your mind. It's going to be a challenge for her. For all of the, yeah, to harness the mind of everyone watching the show,

what you would end up doing is probably accidentally projecting into a lot of people who are not watching or watching a different show. Which could be great viral marketing, but it's just not necessarily what we want. So you'd be watching Ridiculousness or something, and you just get piped into your brain by accident. Got to add the bone density! No, no, no. She doesn't.

Sorry, sorry, sorry. She doesn't say that out loud because it's a secret. No, but it's in your mind coming in. Oh, right, right, right. Normal cookies coming up! Normal cookies. But you saw... And you're going like, wait, I missed what he Normal cookies coming up. Normal cookies. But you saw. And you're going like, wait, I missed what he said.

And then you rewind it and Deirdre goes like, oh. And for the people watching, they know because they see the package of bone density vitamins resting on her face. Yes, that's the problem. With a bunch of cookies strewn on there as well. You could put almost anything on top of it. Yeah, so I guess there are workarounds

in terms of how to incorporate it. I feel like writing it becomes difficult, though. Well, that's why I'm not buying your pitch, Marcus Wiley. Because what was the turning point for you? I like, well, that's why I'm not, that's why I'm not buying your pitch. Marcus Wiley leaves. Because what was the, what was the turning point for you that,

well, you said there's difficulties writing it and I couldn't agree. You're the writer. Yeah. Yeah. You're the one guy who I have to think has confidence in writing it. Right. Well, I feel like,

again, we went down this path of the, the bone stuff. It was not my initial vision. And I was kind of doing that to placate you and maybe like, not placate, but like try to like

have our visions a little bit more aligned for the show. And I feel like if we kind of compromise between the two things of having Half bones, half human? I mean, I feel like that would be a step in the right direction. Half down the middle or half top of bottom? Skeleton

legs on an upper body? And Mira's legs, leg bones, hastily assembled. On like Jane Kaczmarek's frame or something? I think having the bones for the bottom half. Why not just get Jane Kaczmarek? Yeah, at that point. She's a pro. Jane Kazmarek.

Yeah, at that point, she's a pro. Why do you need to take a dead celebrity's bones, which may or may not be the right ones? I mean, I assume you don't. You're not an expert on this. I'm not. I'm not. And I agree that actually getting Jane Kazmarek would be the preferable thing. Because I was never fully on board with... Well, don't take credit for that pitch.

That was his. And I also don't think that she's within range. Yeah. Plus, she's much younger than Jerry. Right. But I'm saying that if we're getting rid of Jerry's wife's bones, then maybe Jerry isn't quite as essential to the production. How did you see playing you again?

Between 25 and 30. And like I said, Jerry has to be at least 80. Yeah, that's a pass. Less movies, what are you going to do? If I'm less movies, I would rather see you go on survivor again will you do that i won't i know because i'm not i really do want to focus on the writing career now i feel like going to survivor again would be a step backwards and counterproductive well what if it's instead of nothing?

Right, so if the alternative is nothing. Unless negotiates like this. Right. He's a feast or famine sort of guy. Mm-hmm. I mean, in that case, if this is you explicitly telling me that the writing is not going to be a sustainable career for me and the only other alternative is to play serve. I mean, in that case, if this is you explicitly telling me that, like, the writing is not going to be a sustainable career for me

and the only other alternative is to play Survivor. No, I'm not being explicit about it. I'm kind of dancing around it. Yeah, yeah. Then, I mean, in that case, I would be amenable to playing Survivor again. Okay, well, we can't wait to see you back on Survivor. And, Cochran, thanks so much for coming in. And your phone is ringing or something.

So we'll see you when we see you. And the pro version is going to go to one of our listeners. Let's think. Who's a good listener to give it to? Touchy Sealy. Touchy Sealy, that's good. Touchy Sealy gets the pro version. And then you must have some.

What's your prize for the pro version, Cochran? You're a writer. Wait, is it that I give? Like you give an actual physical thing? Yes, it's a special present from you that is just for Touchy Sealy. I could give a signed survivor buff. Okay, that's good yeah I guess we said you're a writer and you thought what do I do with a pen I signed I mean it's

survivor stuff if you can find him I guess he told you he'd give you that bye Hollywood Handbook is brought to you by Wolf Cool Productions, a subsidiary of Calvin and Hobbes. Ow, baby. That was a HeadGum Podcast.