Hollywood Handbook - John Cochran, Our Close Friend

Episode Date: June 9, 2014

Hayes starts off the show discussing the special surgery he had to get on his arm for a part, and he and Sean discuss the most important thing that's been left out of the #YesAllWomen movement. Then an all-new Teaser Freezer breaks down the new Jersey Boys movie. Then, very famous guest JOHN COCHRAN from Survivorman joins the guys to talk about how he went from contestant on a reality show to a TV writer for "We're the Millers", his Twitter following, flying into the Statue of Liberty, and judge salaries and the Popcorn Gallery is back to ask questions about hair parts, cut scenes, and The Americans. Finally, John gets called out for bailing on an airport meeting with a listener.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. So, the party's dying down. Yeah. And I grabbed Chan Gailey. Yeah. And I cooked. Chan, is that Brie? And he goes, are you pointing at the cheese plate?

Or Brie Larson? I said, Channy, I got no idea. Hollywood Handbook. That's Coach Chan. Formerly of the Buffalo Bills. Hey, welcome to Hollywood Handbook, an insider's guide to kicking butt and dropping names in the red carpet lined back hallways of this industry we call showbiz. And what up, what up to all of you, and hopefully everyone's happy and healthy out there.

And what up, what up for me as well, and I'm hoping for your health and your happiness, and I want to keep a positive energy going today. Well, the truth about my health, you can see it in all the pictures. My little arm is in a sling. He's got a bum wing. And there's been a lot of chatter about what's going on with that.

I had to get my muscles smallened to play Sammy Sosa in the new 61. It's called 61-2-70. Mm-hmm. And it looks... It looks strange on the poster because the spacing isn't quite right for it. There's no colon. There is an asterisk.

But it's kind of off to the side. Yeah. But it's, of course, about Sammy Sosa in 1970 uh when he was sort of figuring stuff out um and so hayes is gonna he's trying to get to america yeah he's gonna portray that struggle on that journey and you just can't do it with the kind of body that Hayes has built over the years. And there's no fast way to reduce it without surgery. And it is, you know, like people say like, oh, you know, it's all fake.

Hollywood is fake. And you do have to sometimes go through a procedure in order to make your body look a certain way. It is fake. Yeah, there is a lot of fakeness. And my friends are fake and my personality is fake yeah there is a lot of fakeness and my friends are fake and my personality is fake and i wouldn't have it any other way um because it's better uh it's you know it means you're trying to do something you're actually working on it you're not just settling for the thing that you just showed up with if nothing was fake we all would literally be born and then just stay in the hospital until we die.

And just be lying down all the time. And just be lying there until we die. It would be like, I think what that movie Surrogates maybe was like. I'm not sure. But that is. Why is that bad? Walking's fake. Talking to people's fake.

The telephone's the fakest invention in history. And that is actually how a lot of deals get made out here is on that. So it's just one of those things where people use a word like it's a bad word, but I don't think they're really thinking about it. Because they don't know really what it means. And that's the truth. And speaking of not knowing what things mean and not being informed and not maybe understanding the world around you, Hayes and I had to look some hard truth in the face recently.

About a week ago, my little cousin took us onto the computer, my cousin Sam, and he showed us some internet stuff that was happening. and he showed us some internet stuff that was happening. There was a hashtag trending, and you probably know what we're talking about unless you are freaking living in Nowheresville. Yeah, Nowheresville or, yeah, freaking Erie, Indiana. You probably know that it is the, to get serious on this show the yes all women yeah pound sign hashtag very sobering uh for us to read a lot of stories a lot of people opening up in surprising ways but we do have one very serious bone to pick with how the issue has been has been handled particularly among

our fellow men and we might get attacked i mean it's the kind of thing that you don't you know you don't necessarily want to touch a hot button issue like this because it is so loaded but there has not been enough male support and too many men are staying quiet and we're not going to be those guys who stay quiet and try to pretend that this stuff isn't happening to us as well. To us as well. Yeah. And sometimes even more. And sometimes happening even more than probably it happens to women.

It's happening to me and Hayes. Why the men out there would choose to just do nothing instead of saying what Sean and I are going to say, which is hashtag yes and us as well. Yeah. Hashtag yes and us as well. Putting our stories out there along with the women's stories and showing that they are not alone in this kind of stuff happening to them. be a greater supportive action, a greater compliment, and a greater way to say, hey, I hear you, than to join us in the hashtag, yes, us as well. That is how you really tell yes all women, hey, we get it.

To say, we get it, we hear you, but us too, and check this out. And check this out, and maybe we get it a little more. Right? Just weigh it in here. And if you had mentioned this, we really could have told some stories that turn your hair white. Teasers, teasers, teasers. Everybody's talking about teasers, and that's why this week we're going to reach back in to the teaser freezer, which is a new segment. Let's explain what it is.

Okay, so teasers are commercials for movies. When somebody does a movie, they have to tell you about the movie, and they tell you on TV or in some kind of magazine. Well, that doesn't apply here. But maybe on a computer or in another movies. And so that's why we are doing the teaser freezer, which is where we reach in to, it's like a refrigerator, but colder, and it holds the teasers inside. And don't get scared.

It's not too cold for us we're not going to get hurt or get frostbite because we have a special suit that we wear into the teaser freezer and it lets us be able to hold the teasers and take them out look at them and show them to you but it is good to don't try anything with your own teaser freezer because you could get an iced up arm yes you could you definitely would not be able to handle it and only we should be able to and when you go to see a movie in a theater setting of a cinema place you can find teasers there that you can safely safely watch before your movies but that's not the teaser freezer because you don't have me and haze and we're not telling

you what's good about it and so that's what makes this a segment and we're doing it and the teaser for this week is jersey boys which we're so excited about what what's that you say guys who like nba clothes well not quite it's it's about something else loved the musical and i'm gonna love the musical movie it's about these four guys and they sing songs in a special voice. And why has no one ever taken something from the stage and put it onto the screen before? I don't know. Cody, why? Because.

Okay. Let's just do it. Makes me want to throw up when he talks to us like that. Here's the beginning of the teaser. It all started with a sound, it says on the words, that became a sensation. But every legend has a beginning. You want to hear the real story?

I'm the one you want to talk to, Tommy DeVito. If it wasn't for me, we all would have wound up with a bullet in our head. So, you can't see this. You can't see it, unfortunately. That is, that line, that opening line of the teaser is being directed to you. The teaser watcher. He's looking and we know this because we've been done movies. Someone's holding a camera and he's looking at the camera.

So it looks like he's looking at you. And so you see him looking at you and you say, me? Yes, you. It is you. Not you, the camera, but you, the person watching the teaser. That's how it works because he, in looking through the camera, you're in a way of just looking through the other side of the camera. And so now you're making eye contact. Everything on the screen has just been seen by a camera.

I mean, that's what it is. So when he looks at the camera, he's looking out the screen. The screen is really inside the camera in a lot of ways. And you, everything that you and your eyes are seeing, it's like you are inside the camera looking out because everything that is in the scene is being seen through the camera's eyes,

which are your eyes. Yes, and the cameraman's eyes are also holding what is in the screen. So you're kind of the cameraman today when he talks to you, and it's so great to get talked to because a lot of times in the movies, I feel like I'm being so ignored by the characters. You're saying, hey, I'm right here. I'm sitting right next to you. Do you think you maybe want to mention like, hey, I'm going to blow this guy up,

Rambo? Like, please. It's rude. Anyway, his name is Tommy DeVito, and he is, I think, one of the Jersey Boys. Let's find out. Frankie Valley. I heard them all, Jersey boys. Let's find out. Introducing a new discovery of mine. Frankie Valli.

I heard them all, but I never heard a voice like Frankie Valli's. I know I need to write for this voice. Frankie. Again, he's taking this right to you. There's nobody else in the movie that this guy can talk to. Yes, and it's the solution for all those problems in movies where you're watching and you're being like what's going on with this guy he's looking the guy's on stage and the guy's singing and the other guy's looking at him and he's kind of looking like wow yeah the songwriter guy's watching the singer guy sing yeah is he thinking it's good does he want to write for that voice tell me something i'm sitting in

the room with you and so that's what this is the first polite movie ever made and that's why i'm i'm not necessarily friends with a lot of the people the movie characters but these guys i like these guys i want to keep hanging with because they're helping me participate in the movie. And I feel like I'm a Jersey Boys. Can we talk about the Frankie character for a second? Because you heard his voice a little bit. Mm-hmm. I understand they don't have Frankie.

Frankie's not available. This guy is talented. He's a great singer. But Hayes, he's not available. This guy is talented. He's a great singer. But Hayes, he's no Frankie. He is absolutely no Frankie. And it just goes to show you that there is no Frankie out there. I mean, I am sure that's the best they could do. This guy's probably one of the best guys out there.

But there was one Frankie, and this ain't't him and you can feel it and if you knew Frankie like we did you can really feel it and he would you can see it in the visuals too because the voice is pretty similar he would do that thing where he would like cross and uncross his eyes while he was singing like it like he was going crazy and And, like, move his knees around. Like, his knees were shaking. Like, he was really scared at how high his voice was going and stuff like that. Yeah. Like, he was just a showman.

He had all these. Sometimes when there was a music break, his tongue would unravel all the way down to the floor. Yes. And then he'd, like, snap his fingers and it would. Go all the way up. Come all the way down to the floor yes and then he'd like snap his fingers and it would go all the way all the way back up yes so he was a showman you know a true showman this guy's good he's talented he can act he can sing but is he frankie there is no frank no there's no frankie and there never was the world going to hear that voice. You want me to produce?

Anyway, so that's Christopher Walken. Just letting you know that he is going to be in this movie for, I think, the amount of time that he is in the teaser. He's in the teaser for about the time he'd be in the movie, sure. Set up the 8-track. We're going to double Frankie's voice. It's going to explode right off the radio. Is that a different sound? I love this record! Let me do it. gonna double frankie's voice it's gonna explode right off the radio now you uh your participation in this movie and you saying that line what was it like working with uh clint eastwood the the the director?

Clint's funny. He's somebody who doesn't respect you until you hit back. Okay. And he had wanted me to sort of enjoy the record and to, like a three-dimensional human, say that I loved the sound of it or something like that. And I said, well, what if a cartoon cactus was screaming that they love that record? They sort of are roller skating in and they're out of control on the skates. Maybe they passed over an oil slick or something of that effect. So the wheels are too slippery.

And so you're in the air. In the air. Flipping upside down. Flipping, maybe going to land right on my cactus butt. And in that moment is realizing how good the song is and is forgiving the fact that, quite frankly, when they said they were going to double Frankie's voice, they were doubling a voice, but it wasn't Frankie. It's not Frankie's. But the cactus, I think, would go,

I love this record! And so, that seemed like it was bringing a couple more layers, and Clint didn't want it, but he needed it, and so that's all I would give him in every take. I love this record!

We do everything together. How old are you? Together or separately. Big girl! So, what that means is he's going to be doing them both. And the more girls

you do, you just add up how old they are. So they can be as young as you want. Yes. It's a very appealing idea. It's actually sort of an interesting loophole. Yes.

We like to say that we obey the letter of the law if not its intent. And this is one of the many ways that you can sort of stick it to the coppers out there, is if you add up enough girls, it doesn't matter how young they are. So the coppers say, oh, was she 18? And you say, you count off visibly on your fingers up to 18, but they don't know how many girls' ages you're counting. And you don't have to tell them. That's entrapment. They actually cannot ask you.

Well, no, and if they do ask you, you can perform a citizen's arrest on them. You got the voice. I got the songs. We make a partnership. I think Frankie would have cut Tommy loose right then. That's what you think? You're not from Jersey.

Wow. Wow. So this is Hayes and I speaking in unison. Because people who aren't from Jersey don't know Jersey. They don't know Jersey. They don't know Jersey. They don't know Jersey. If you're from Jersey, then you know that when a guy does whatever he did.

And a dude who knows him might be able to undo the thing they were doing. Oh, you're not going to do that. Don't he don't do that. Not if you're from Jersey. Not from Jersey because you don't know how. If you do that, then you got to be from somebody else. And you better go back there. Because not while the Jersey boys are in town. If they catch you doing that around the Jersey boys,

they're really going to want to know how did you do that. You're going to have to teach them how you do it. And it's going to take a long time. That's going to be a lot of your day. Go see that movie. It looks fun. It's very polite. It does things the way they used to do them.

Back when we knew how to speak to each other. The old ways. Yes. And when. A lot of true gentlemen. When somebody addressed you in a movie, you would say, you would respond to them. And you would say, please and thank you. And you'd know your manners.

And I guess that's what I'm most excited about is the opportunity to talk back to the screen throughout the film. That is, I would encourage all of you to go see this movie and have a nice conversation with these nice boys from Jersey. I'll be there. I'll be saying, thank you, Tommy. That's interesting. I agree that the voice is good. He's no Frankie, but I would want to write for that too. Were I a songwriter instead of a filmmaker,

now maybe he asks me some questions about my day, my career. And you can leave with a new friend if you're interesting, like me and like Hayes. So I would say please do go, and please do talk to the screen at jersey boys and send us your jersey boy experiences get on the forums get on itunes get on twitter and let us know what you said to jersey boys and what they said back we accept videos of it and anything else please we have a great guest john cochran the winner of survivor man is here and he's now he's a writer for television and he's going to come on our show and he's going to talk about it all on hollywood handbook

so i go to gary sinise like edge of tomorrow like what is it it's like a tomorrow's like a day it doesn't have an edge and he goes i don't think i was in that movie and then i'm like then who was hollywood who i i have no i never heard of it hi hey what up hey hey wait what up what up um welcome to hollywood handbook an insider's guide to kicking butt and dropping names in the red carpet linebacker hallways of this industry we call showbiz. What up, what up? Oh, we got a guest. We got a great guest here today. John Cochran is here.

Thank you so much for having me, guys. Yes. No, it's a pleasure for us to have you because you won Survivor and a lot of people would hear that you're on here and say, well, you're not famous, but you actually are famous. Right. I'm exceptionally famous. Because you won a TV show. I won a TV show watched by millions of people.

Yes. I have 132,000 Twitter followers. I'm verified on Twitter. That's huge. I feel like that's evidence enough of my fame. Yes. And you were on the feel like that's evidence enough of my fame. Yes. And you were on the show before that too, right? So you got watched twice on like two different seasons.

Exactly. So if they didn't see the season you won, they still might freaking know who you are. Yeah. You have a lot more followers than a lot of our former guests. They're almost exclusively like really old women and like little kids though. But more followers than a lot of people who've done a lot of stuff. They don't measure. They don't say like when they do a click on our show, they don't say like, oh, well, that's an old woman.

So that's not a click. It's still a click. More than Little Esther. More than Jordan Morris. And these are people who've really done a lot more than you i think yes who have actually and worked very hard to do it more than dc pearson yeah more followers the dc and meanwhile dc's written two novels he's like a really accomplished talented guy let's and you're here with all these followers do you think he has more than nick thune

i mean i was on let. Let's fucking hope so. Let's guess. Do you think you have more followers than Nick Thune? I bet I do. You do. You have a lot more. You have almost twice as many followers as Nick Thune. Too Thune. Boom.

I don't know what I'm referring to, but I just said it and it just felt great. So all these people who are saying you're not famous, I just don't understand where they're coming from. You're very famous. That's what I think. Now, Katrin, we have a kind of thing we want to talk about. More than Shelby Farrow, who is famous for Twitter. Right.

So Twitter celebrities have fewer Twitter followers than you do. You find that that hard to believe? No, I'm saying that it's... We're telling the other people that you are famous. For the people who would say you're not famous enough to be on the show. And you're a little down on yourself when you came in. I mean, let's pull back the curtain. You said like, oh, I don't know if I'm famous enough to do this show and you had sort of a hang dog expression yeah and you were kind of kicking at the ground a little bit and sort of moping yeah and we just wanted to say and you

had your hands stuffed deep in your pockets yeah but look at all these old women that follow you and now i wouldn't want that but but you know, you like it. So here's the thing. It's not just that you won the TV show. It's not just that you were on the TV show before. And it's not even just that you've done this Twitter thing, whatever it is. That's not why we're having you here. We wanted you to talk about other stuff.

Because this is a show that aims to educate and educate about what? Show business. Now, you have a big writing job on a big TV show and that is something special, huh? That's right. I'm a writer for The Millers on CBS.

Will Arnett. We're The Millers starring Will Arnett and Jennifer Aniston. I gotta stop you there. Wait, he's trying to stop you. That was a film released shortly before. And I got to just blow right by and just get into what I was going to say. Where are the Millers?

It's a big TV show. A guy gets bit on the dick by a tarantula or something in the commercial. It looks really good. And I think that you're going to love it. Go rent it. I mean, to be honest, that's probably not the best way to try to watch The Millers. You can watch it on TV, on CBS.

Maybe it's on demand or something, and it's definitely on Netflix. And so when you watch it, think, oh, John Cochran actually wrote probably this scene where Jason Sudeikis is dealing with immigration or whatever at the border. Or Jennifer Aniston, she pours water all over herself. And it creates this sort of effect. And was that your idea? Where it makes her clothes tantalizingly transparent. Stick to her body in this way that is disgusting to me.

It's like, why would you want your clothes to stick? They should be loose and flowing. But all that aside, the way a lot of people get a job writing on a TV show like We're the Millers or Hall Pass or what else? Horrible Bosses. Horrible bosses. Horrible bosses. Great example. I mean, a lot of people get that.

Is they right to do it, right? Yeah, which I feel like is probably not the best way to do it. Speak on that. I didn't, right. So to give a little background, a year ago, I was a law student at Harvard Law School.

In Boston? Just outside of Boston. I was on the reality show Survivor twice, and I won. I'd never written a word. I didn't even write in law school. I've always been kind of averse to writing. You wanted to be a judge? Ideally, I wanted to be a judge.

A TV judge like Judge Joe Brown or something like that? kind of averse to writing. You wanted to be a judge? Ideally, I wanted to be a judge, yeah. A TV judge like Judge Joe Brown or something like that? Yeah, probably more like Judge Mathis was my big inspiration. That's more your area? Yeah. Who's that? It's another TV judge. Describe Samantha Mathis.

Mills Lane was actually, wait, is Mills Lane somebody? He's a boxing referee that became a judge. Yes, which is a kind of judge. But he was also a judge. Because you're saying who wins and who loses. Right. And isn't that what judging is? And what is the rules?

Yeah, he was also technically a legal judge. The judge is there to uphold the rules. Right. So that was my goal. But just kind of as a joke, just a little gag on the Survivor reunion show the host of the show

Jeff Probst said like so you just won Survivor what do you want to do next and I was just kind of being sarcastic I'm like oh you know it would be great to write

you know and it's like after achieving this like incredible fame and notoriety and wealth from Survivor I'm like okay what would be the most like degrading thing

to say I'd want to do yeah like basically going like oh I guess I'd like to eat a pile of dog shit you know like that's basically what you'd say do you wish you'd said say I'd want to do. Yeah, like basically going like, oh, I guess I'd like to eat a pile of dog shit. You know, like that's basically what you'd say. Do you wish you'd said, like, I'd like to have sex? Right.

With like Cindy Crawford. Yeah, Cindy Crawford would be the best. Yeah. Or like Jennifer Tilly or something. Yes, with her boobs. But no, unfortunately, I did say as a joke, I want to be a writer. And then a day later, I guess my sarcasm was lost on the nation because a day later, Greg Garcia, the guy that created Raising Hope

and My Name is Earl, called up CBS and I guess thought I was serious and was like, oh, I thought this John Cochran guy was funny and would he like to meet with me to possibly write for the Millers? And I met with him and one thing led to another and then I ended up becoming a writer for the show. One thing led to another. I mean, I'm just saying very logistically

it was like one thing, like a phone call led to me like getting an Uber ride to his house which led to a conversation. Now when you have that conversation with Greg Garcia, does he have the bones of it figured out? Does he just go like, I've got this idea, tarantula bite dude's dick. Tarantula's going to bite dude's dick.

He's going to jump out the RV. And then he wants you to pitch on how big the tarantula could be. Or is it more just he has the title? During this initial meeting. Yeah. I didn't hear that much talk about the tarantula stuff. It was more about like a divorced couple and parents moving in. It's possible earlier drafts of the script had this tarantula bit you're referring to.

Again, I kind of think. Right. Tarantula bite. What did I say? Bit. I was saying bit as in like... Just the tenses. Okay.

Yeah. But again, I kind of think you're referring... The tarantula bit. Sorry. The dude's dick. Yeah. The noun version of the bite. And that made a tarantula bite.

Yeah. Okay. Sorry. But again, I think you're referring to Where the Millers, which I can understand the confusion because like two-thirds of the Where the Millers title is the exact title of the show I'm writing for, but actually there's no connection between the two of them

apart from the fact that there was writing involved in both their creations. But I had nothing to do with the tarantula film. had nothing to do with the tarantula film. Now, parents moving back in, have anybody ever thought of that? Did that happen to you? Yeah. Where did you get that idea?

Okay, I'm just a – I'm like a low-level writer on the show. I was not the person that conceived it. Okay, are you going to make us list all the people you've got more Twitter followers than again? Because quit downplaying it. Well, so I think what Greg was attracted to in me was that I have a very close relationship with my mother. She doesn't live with me, but there was nice parallels between that and the show premise of the parent moving in. Bates Motel. Right. I mean, yeah.

She's a Skellington. Yeah. I don't think she's, yeah. I mean, the Millers is like mainly like a comedy. It's a sitcom. So it's not like, I feel like you're referring to Psycho, the Alfred Hitchcock film. Well, the A&E's Bates Motel. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Tell us about your scary mom. I mean, she's 65 years old. She used to be a preschool teacher. And she fosters dogs for a rescue.

Just spooky sounds. Yeah. One just a scary wind. What was that? Cochran's mom! Cochran's mom! Ah!

Meow! Like like that's a head going down the stairs rolling down the stairs right two wee what was a two wee at the end

scary it was like one of those whistle rings what do you and your mom talk about yum chocolate It was like one of those whistle rings. What do you and your mom talk about? Yum, chocolate. Oh, no, it's not sweet enough.

So, you know, some scary stuff like that. My mom and I talk about, at this point, she's on the East Coast. I'm on the West Coast. I call to catch up with her. I'm refurnishing my apartment now. So I've been calling to get some advice from her. And she was helping me with accent pillows and stuff. Because I'm colorblind, which is another one of my issues. Brains.

Yeah. I mean, I feel like you're probably like, I think you're imputing a lot of traits to my mom that she really doesn't have. She's a perfectly pleasant lady. She has no murderous impulses. I want to help you pick your sheets. That's actually pretty accurate. But, you know, she's a perfectly... She isn't feeling well.

Mother isn't feeling so well, but right now. And her head is a skull! Yeah, I mean, this is like, I mean, she's actually feeling quite well. She's in a personal trainer now, and she's trying to get in better shape. Is her head is a skull, though? I mean, like, she still has a skull, but it's covered by— And is her body is really a skeleton? I mean, you correct me earlier on the use of bit versus bite, which I think was an unnecessary correction.

I do have to point out that you keep saying—both of you, actually, are saying skeleton instead of skeleton. And is that from The Nightmare Before Christmas? Was his name Jack Skellington? Skellington is like Bones, but it's a bone man that will jump around and make clattering dances. That's not especially frightening, though, right? I feel like that's like a form of entertainment. Have you ever seen that before? If you saw Dancing Bones? I've seen animated GIFs of it. You don't think that's for frightening? I mean, it's kind of like... If you saw the dancing bones? I've seen animated GIFs of it.

You don't think that's for frightening? I mean, it's kind of like... Okay, well, maybe I guess because you're like... Every night you go to sleep with your bone mom. I mean, I think you're really going off in a different direction with this mom stuff that's not at all accurate. It's not an accurate description. Well, it actually is based on what you said.

And so when you're writing TV with your mom, It's not an accurate description. Well, it actually is based on what you said. And so when you're riding TV with your mom in a rocking chair together or whatever, do you reflect on all the different stunts that you tried before Survivor to get recognized by this town. Yeah, to get famous in Hollywood. We do reminisce a lot because, as you pointed out, my path to Hollywood has not been the traditional like write a spec script, write a pilot, become a writer's PA, then become a writer's assistant. It was kind of an unconventional path,

which ultimately culminated in me being on Survivor and achieving success through that. But it started off with a lot more kind of outlandish stunts that were not always as successful. Yeah, I mean, do you want to speak on that? I remember when you tried to be the subway hero in order to get on TV, and you got quite a shock, an electric shock. Right. I mean, I wasn't – like, I had spent some time in New York.

And so, you know, I thought, what's the most viral way to get recognized? It's to be in Manhattan, to be in the heart of the city. And where are a lot of people? The subway. If you go there, it's jam-packed with people. Who knows whether there's a television executive among those people on the train. Odds are that there is one. Right.

And so I saw some, you know, this young kid, this punk kid was sitting in the seat that's designated for people that would be like you know handicapped there's and you know what do you know this old lady comes pottering in and that's your mom or yeah which is actually an act i mean you were saying that my mom's just a skeleton presumably incapable of any sort of movement unless she's a skeleton i actually know she's a skeleton then she would be able be able to do a little dance in there. That's jumping bones, yeah. But no, I saw this lady come in, and the kid did not even— Van Helsing's chasing her?

Yeah. I mean, this is like— The old lady just was—she had a walker. I don't think there was a Van Helsing chasing her. It's possible. A Van Helsing? There's one in one? Go on.

Go on, please. And so this kid didn't offer the seat, and I got in his face and said, mind your manners, kid. Get up and forfeit the seat to the lady. Yikes. And he said, you're not my dad, and that lady isn't my mom, so this is a free country, and I got this seat on my own. And then he pulled out, you kind of gave away the ending to this.

He said, I got quite a shock, which happened. He had a backpack on, and he reached into it, and I thought he was going to pull out a gun or something but fortunately it was just a taser. Which is like an electric gun. Yeah. And he tased me and the lady and you know there was no television executive

nearby to capture this and my heroic act went completely uncelebrated. And you even said you said don't tase me bro. And that didn't get captured either. And you even said, and you said, you said, don't tase me, bro. Right. And that didn't get captured either. And that predated the now like,

By a lot. By a lot. Several years. Speaking of New York, I remember when you tried to fly a helicopter into the Statue of Liberty. Yeah. I mean,

that was, first off, this is pre 9-11. So I don't want to make it sound like this is like some insensitive. Or that you were copying. No, it was a completely original idea. Yes, it was before those other guys did it.

Right, and my motive was to get a writing job in Hollywood. It was not to hurt anybody. Because the Statue of Liberty is not inhabited by— Well, you aim it at the bottom. You were aiming for feet. Right. I was not doing a big theatrical hole at the top of the Statue of Liberty or anything. I just wanted to go right into the feet.

And I rented the helicopter, did some training. But it turns out that I really didn't know how to maneuver it that well. So I actually just landed safely by the Statue of Liberty's feet and offered some tourists a helicopter view of the Statue of Liberty. And then you did that job for the next 10, 15 years, right? Where you're just flying people, helicopter tours in New York? I got caught up into it. Trying every time to crash into the Statue of Liberty.

Right. Every time I flew over to Ellis Island, I was trying to go into the feet. But I safely landed perfectly next to a line of tourists almost every time. The curse. And then they got on, as you would. And I became a healthy career, but not one that I found that fulfilling. It became a healthy career, but not one that I found that fulfilling. Now, these kinds of stunts and doing Survivor as well,

isn't that a better way to get a writing job than like a lot of people try to do it with writing? It's better in that it's faster and requires very little effort. What it does... And you get a million dollars before you do the other thing. Yeah. And you get famous and people love you, and you get a bunch of money. Yeah. The thing is, you have to be special.

You have to be an exceptional person. And going to Harvard, you got a bunch of money anyway, huh? Right. I did not need the additional million dollars. This was just adding, you know, it's a penny, a drop in the bucket. Yeah, what a joke. How much is a judge bringing in these days? It depends if it's a television judge.

I mean, Judge Judy got like a five-year, $200 million deal. A local district judge would probably be making significantly less, probably five figures or something, maybe six figures. How much does Judge John Hodgman make? Judge John Hodgman? I'm not sure. We could check celebrity net worth and maybe. A podcast judge.

A podcast. Is that his job? Yes. I don't see there being that big a market for that, so I can't imagine he's making that much money. Okay. Thanks. Now, isn't it true that when people write,

all they have afterwards is just a stack of paper, and it's not even money paper? Right. That's one of the misconceptions. Some people think that you write a script, and once you put the D on the end, that it just materializes until you see the Millers on TV or you see one of these celebrated shows.

It's, in fact, a much more drawn-out process where you have to submit the script to people and get an agent and have it shuttled around. I didn't write a word. I didn't write a word, you know? I didn't write a single word of comedy writing before I got my job. And that's the way to go. The money comes after you get the job.

It was pretty funny on Survivor when you called that Filipino guy Gollum. Right. Because he was, like... Culturally different. Yeah. right um because he was like culturally different yeah yeah um because he wore like a little cloth and he was like kind of scampering around and he talked in a funny voice oh yes and the words i don't know what those words were because i wasn't familiar with his so you said do the impression and so you said he was like a little monster.

Oh, that was pretty funny. That was good, and I thought I could see this being on We're the Millers. Maybe, you know, a guy spider bites a dude's dick, and then he could be like, look at that golem. And then like a Filipino guy's, you know, doing whatever they do. And also how you were talking about how he was going to think of the hugs he got from the female cast members and masturbate to them later. Right. Because he was a little monster.

Well, hug from a big, tall white woman. I mean, imagine. It's like not even a – it's like it must be for him like when the indians do you know this story of when the indians first saw the ships coming over columbus's ships they couldn't see them you know because they had no context for a man-made structure that big so they just couldn't process it so for him a big tall white woman leaning in for a hug i mean you're right i don't even know if it's masturbatory material as much as it's like an out-of-body experience. Speak on that.

Right. I mean, I guess that it might have been a little bit culturally inappropriate to compare him to Gollum. It had nothing to do with the fact that... This was a guy who was a Filipino man. Right. So, to give some context, this was

you win rewards on Survivor, and one of the rewards we won was a local they call him like a woodsman or something. A bushman. A bushman, sorry, a bushman, sorry. A bushman who came and visited our camp to help improve it because, you know, we're building our own shelter and stuff, and he

helped renovate our shelter and everything. And he was trying to help improve it because you know we're building our own shelter and stuff and he he helped renovate our shelter and everything and he was trying to help he was trying to help and i repaid that uh offer by uh suggesting that his very cultural background made him sexually not in control of himself and compared him to like a greedy monstrous goblin from fantasy novels. And you said that he was going to jerk off later. Right. Because he got to hug the white ladies. Because I imagine he's kind of animalistic and can't control himself, that if he's exposed to an attractive woman, he can't help but immediately internalize that and use it for masturbation material.

Yes. Should we get into the popcorn gallery? Yes, let's play the song. This is a segment. And we're going to talk during the song. Yes. So, this song is describing a segment we do

on our show. And that was the first. He says the name of the song, and he says it's a segment on the show and the way it works is we get questions from our listeners one of which is the person who is actually singing the song made the song to try to clarify that the forum listeners are writing questions to ask and so they are in effect the popcorn gallery, which is like the peanut gallery, but... We use popcorn because popcorn is a... If you go to see We're the Millers,

or even if you're watching it at home, you might heat up some nice popcorn. Is there a transcript of the lyrics? Because I feel like your discussion rendered the fact that it was clarifying the purpose of the segment. It rendered the song lyrics a little bit. No, there's no transcript. So we have explained it,

and if you could just explain it back to us quickly, we'll know that you've got it. It's a segment, I guess, where people submit questions. Stop. Never mind. We're going to get into the questions, and hopefully you can just deal with them and just not know exactly what you're participating in because this is a nightmare so far.

Let's reach into the bag, and we'll pull out a question. We just have so many. My precious. Oh, yes. This is a question from Skizolo. John, Googling you got me to a blog on hair parting, which describes you as the most, quote, powerful example of the way the right part on the wrong person can lead to a personality that is almost completely disliked by the peer group.

Unquote. How do you respond? Are you familiar with this blog? I have seen this. The blog is real. Yeah, and I did some research. And it does say, yeah, I part my hair on the right side. I mean, I feel like one side of my face is actually significantly less attractive

than the other side of my face. So I put my hair to cover the side of my face that's less attractive. So I feel like I get the power thing that it's talking about, but it's just from a practical thing of wanting to cover an attractive side of me as much as possible. The actual quote is, Was there ever any more powerful example of the way the right part on the wrong person can lead to a personality that is almost completely disliked by the peer group well i mean first like the thing is

i won a reality show that requires social graces and making people like me um i won unanimously shouldn't that why should the fact that my hair is parted to one side be more evidence of my like social miscalibration than the fact that, the fact that I won over people and have a ton of Twitter followers, isn't that better evidence that I'm like actually likable? We don't know. That's why it's a question. Was there ever a more powerful example?

And it is almost completely disliked by the peer group. Right. I mean mean i just have to disagree with that assessment i feel like i'm pretty well liked but you agree to the premise that your hair part has created your personality i i agree that there might be like a correlation between hair part and the way somebody's perceived i don't think there's a causal connection but can you argue with the pictures underneath the blog post that show what you would look like with your hair parted on the other side? Look at that.

You think that looks significantly more likable? Can I see? Oh, baby. So that's more likable. I like that guy. I'm willing to give it a shot. I'm just saying that I feel like I'm pretty well liked now. To say I'm almost universally disliked by my peer group, I think, is a slight...

Let's reach back into the popcorn bag. This bag is empty. John, this is from Octodactypus. John, your show featured a subplot where the grandmother converts her vegan-raised granddaughter into a meat-eater. The season one DVD extras has a deleted scene where Jemma Mays' character forces her daughter to watch hidden camera slaughterhouse footage to get the child back in line. How much of a bummer was it for you when that scene got cut? to get the child back in line. How much of a bummer was it for you when that scene got cut?

It was a bummer just because in addition to being there for laughs, we do want to kind of be a social statement show. And we thought, you know, one of our guiding principles, we have a poster on the wall that says— Watch out for tarantulas. That's the statement, right? I mean, again, that's like we're the millers. Don't let them get you. We're all the millers.

Yeah. In a way. But we have a poster on the wall that says, if slaughterhouses had glass walls, everyone would be a vegetarian. And we view the television as a glass wall. And so we hope to have that slaughtering scene to not only convert Michaela and explain her metamorphosis from vegan. Sorry.

Oh, this is a. Oh, J.M.A. Sorry. Yeah, okay. This is an incomprehensible. I was thinking of another subplot. No, J is, oh, Jame Amaze, sorry. Yeah, okay, this is incomprehensible. I was thinking of another subplot. No, Jame Amaze. I was getting very confused.

Yeah. Michaela! Yes, I was pretty pissed off. And I'm still calming down from being steamed. I feel like part of your confusion is that you still think I write for, we're the Millers as opposed to the Millers. If you're aware of the difference between the two media,

mediums? You're the grammar expert here. Between the two media, it wouldn't be as confusing. Medium's a different show. Let's reach back into the bag. Yes, let's get back in there. Wait a second. If the bag is empty, then what's making that noise?

Oh, my God! It's Cochran's mom right behind me! Oh, God! And a Van Helsing right behind her! Holy crow! This one is also for Rock Your Doctopus. John, one of the stars of your show, Margot Martindale, also has a role on the show The Americans.

Would you ever consider writing an episode of that show? It would be difficult for me to write it. I've actually never seen The Americans. Okay, we've heard that answer. Sort of a big slap on the butt to Margot Martindale, wouldn't you say? Margot Martindale, I mean, she's an unbelievable actress. I think the fact that... But how would you even know? I get to work with her on a weekly

basis, and I see her... But you've only seen her play the one character. I mean, she's appeared in... She might actually be that person, you know, unless you see her do something else. And wouldn't it be nice for you to check out maybe some of her other work? Right. And it is critically acclaimed. It is something that I for you to check out maybe some of her other work.

Right. And it is critically acclaimed. It is something that I should watch. I'm just saying in terms of wanting to write it, it's the difference between appreciating Margo Martindale's work and wanting to write an episode of The Americans. You would say no. It's one of the 10 best shows of the year

and you wouldn't want to write for it. It's that and Fargo and I think eight others. You would not write an episode of The Americans? I'm happy with my current job. Oh. And what's that to sound like? That's the sound of a... That's the contract we had for you to write

the season premiere and season finale for next year's. We wanted you to bookend the Americans next year. Margot was excited about it, Kerry, Russell, and we were really looking forward to seeing what you'd do with it. And it's for just a ton of dough.

Makes your survivor prize look like a... This is a very big contract. Well, there was a lot of stipulations to protect you in there, and that's all out the window now. A lot of zeros. Yeah, a lot of zeros, and now there's zero of them. Just one zero.

Yeah, just one zero, and it's you, and you seem a fool. Why are you so emotionally invested in the Americans? Okay, don't try to psychoanalyze me, boy. You ain't got the firepower oh no i want to see this try it yeah you know right i would love john i would love to see you try oh this will be a treat i haven't worked i haven't waxed to jump like you you in ages. I've stayed above this. Just get out your little tools and why don't you just pick apart Sean. Yeah, take one crack at it.

Actually, this is going to be fun for me. Let me crack my knuckles real quick. Oh. Sorry, I repeat my question. I'm actually invested in the Americans, which I don't think was actually like that, trying to psychoanalyze you. You just seemed very distraught

that I was not willing to write an episode of it. Whatever. See ya. Deuces, bro. Kick rocks. Let's reach back into the bag. So many more times Now I get all the popcorn

I'm Cochran's mom Oh my god, did you hear that? It sounds like in the sound drop Cochran's mom killed Mark Who records all her sound drops I don't know what happened to Van Helsing There's only one of many This question's from Pat Smear.

John, you have been heralded as a myriad of great descriptors by the international media, world-class writer, super survivor at all. But I'd like to focus on your work as one of our country's greatest millennials. Would you be able to help me figure out how to take a screenshot on my Apple Macintosh computer? Yeah. You just hold down Command-Sh command shift and then you press four and that'll bring up a little drop box and you can drag the area of the screen you want to take a picture of back in the bag now i'm eating the popcorn with my steak.

Now I wonder, that sounds like Van Helsing to me. Now I wonder if he's eating it with a side of steak. Or if he's using it to spear the popcorn. If he's spearing the popcorn, yeah. I think that's what it is. This question is from Michael Bay of Pigs. Hey, John, you and I recently got a chance to meet. Well, I was shitting on a toilet, and you just walked right in to wash your hands.

I told you it was a one-person restroom. You laughed and said, Browder your butt, browder my hands, let's grab a drink when this airplane lands. But when the flight landed, you were nowhere to be found. Why did this happen? How could I have prevented it? I thought that it was clear that we would meet at the airport bathroom, and I waited there for quite a period of time, and you didn't show up.

I don't know where you thought we were going to meet. I thought the fact that our initial meeting was in the bathroom made it clear that our follow-up meeting would be in another bathroom. And you got inside the stall and then got up on top of one of the seats and then closed and on top of one of the seats and then that might have been my problem like the door that was probably another problem because by getting up on the seat he wouldn't have been able to see my feet were um you were wearing pretty distinctive footwear huh yeah i was wearing um i was wearing uh yeah i was wearing very distinctive

you don't have to be embarrassed. You can say what it was. You had some big T-Rex slippers on. Yeah. Yeah. I was wearing T-Rex slippers primarily because they're comfortable on a long flight. But I got out and I didn't want them touching the floor of the bathroom. So I got up on the toilet, which seemed like the cleaner alternative. I'm sorry that this meeting did not take place.

What's that rhyme you like to say? Brown on my hands, brown on your face, this is going to be a fun race. Is that one of those lines? Race to climaxing.

You're saying brown on your face, this is going to be a fun race? Kind of like when you're talking about the bushman like whose face was a little browner than yours and then he's like a goblin yeah that's interesting that's an interesting perspective i don't see things that way but it's always interesting to talk to someone who sees things differently. This is more about scat play and less about racial relations. I don't know. Yes. Skiddly-doo-bop all the way to the end of the show.

And thank you for joining us, John. Thank you for having me. And thank you, everyone else, for rating us on iTunes and for chatting with us on the forums and for buying the pro version of the show. Jacob C. brought the pro version this week in his first week on the forums, and he wins a big prize, which is, Jacob C C your prize for buying the pro version

is you're gonna get to hear Cochran finally apologize to that poor Bushman why don't you apologize to that little man who you called

a goblin his name was Tata and Tata if you're listening to this, I am sorry. It was not a comparison that I meant to make. But also, if he's listening to this, I'm scared. How'd he get this? Which I feel like that's an unfair... I mean, that's kind of a cultural thing.

You don't think that he has access to the internet? Don't try to psychoanalyze me, pal. Okay. You don't got the fucking juice, Holmes Sorry Bye Deuces Deuces

This has been an Earwolf Media Production Executive Producers Jeff Ulrich and Scott Aukerman. For more information, visit Earwolf.com EarwolfRadio.com The wolf dead. That was a HeadGum Podcast.