Hollywood Handbook - John Hodgman, Our Close Friend

Episode Date: February 18, 2025

The Boys help JOHN HODGMAN write his next book. Get a Hat Pack Hat here!Watch the video of today’s episode at Patreon.com/HollywoodHandbook Like the show? Rate Hollywood Handbook 5-Stars on Apple PodcastsAdvertise on Hollywood Handbook via Gumball.fm See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. I like your new sneakers. Thanks. Here we go again, right everybody? Round and round we go. So you like them, but that's not what you're wearing. I'm wearing the same brand. Yeah, but which model is this?

I think these are the, I don't have to look it up. Well, let's find out. It says right on the top, Jesus Christ. I can read it. It's Clifton 9. You got the Clifton 9s. That's their best seller. That is actually, did you know this?

That's the prequel to Mickey 17. Really? Yes. Wow. The upcoming movie. Upcoming Bong Joon-ho movie. That's right. The prequel to Mickey 17. Ston Ho movie. That's right, the prequel to Mickey 17. Starring Batman himself.

That's right, yes, Bob, and we know him as Bob. Oh really? Uncle Bob, my kids just call him Uncle Bob. Because he's always around. You know what I mean? He's just Uncle Bob to them. He's just an animal, it's funny, because some of these guys, you think,

wow, some people really think of these guys as big movie stars. And it's like important to them. And then I go, what a crazy life I live, because to me, he's just Uncle Bob. He's just my uncle. He comes by, right? Hays is feeding me, yeah.

We're feeding you, yeah. When Hays is feeding me stories. And you remember, and he would say for a while, like, where's Aunt FKA twigs? That's what, you remember? Yeah, auntie. I would call her, yeah, I would call her. You just grew up with these people.

I called her Tia or Titi for a while, and then I started calling her auntie FKA twigs. But never Effie. No, I wasn't Effie. Or Fca. Fca. No, I didn't say that. No, no, okay.

You had your own experience. Do you want me to have? No, no, but you grew up with these people that are just like members of the household. Yeah, it was just so normal to me when Hayes would be giving me a bath or carrying me around the house all of a sudden. Oh, and you hated bath time.

Well, come on, I get so wet, it gets in my eyes. I know, right? It stings. Yeah, you should use the baby shampoo like I have. I have infantile hair, just baby shampoo. But even so. And do you get that from using the baby shampoo? I take it from the baby's hair?

I take it from baby's hairs. Oh. Oh, the shampoo. You take the shampoo out of their hair? I take it out of their hair, because they're crying. Yoink. Put it in mine. Well, you obviously don't their hair? I take it out of their hair, because they're crying. Yoink. Put it in mine. Well, you obviously don't appreciate this. I'll be using that.

With your crying ass. Yeah, exactly. I need to get my very thin hair, this is my hair, it's very flat, it's very, you know, it's basically a baby's hair. It goes kind of left to right, not up and down. Yeah, it's not a toupee though, this is my real hair. Mm-hmm.

I'm putting my hat back on. Did not say it was a toupee. No, but you know, I'm at that stage of life where my- It's more like a three-pey. My facial hair is very gray and this, my head hair still looks mouse shit brown. It's not a toupee, it's more like a sharpie. Yeah, right?

Too broke. Whoa, okay. Too broke girls, I'll put this piece. Okay, wow, okay. This weather, huh? You brought it with you, didn't you? Yeah. This guy.

I said just adjust the satellite a little bit, bring a little New York to Los Angeles. You brought it with you from New York. Yeah, if you don't like the weather, wait five minutes, John Hodgman's on his way in. Exactly, and he's always five minutes away. Mm-hmm, people. Always in a five-minute radius.

There it rains. Wherever I go, there I am. You're kinda like Batman. That's exactly, stars are just like us. It's true. Robert Pattinson puts on his bat suit the same way I do. Cowl first. These people don't know how to drive in this weather. You notice that?

Oh my gosh. These people. I was on the way here. These people. Los Angelinos. Anglinos, baby. Yes. They don't know how to drive in the weather. They get freaked out.

It's like they've never seen rain before. Yeah, tell me about it, go on. I was on the way here. Yeah. This guy floors it right in front of me. What the, what? Pfft, I honk my horn. But you know how Teslas make different sound effects

sometimes if you have different. Different settings. You can set the horn. You can set the horn to do some like. Can you do an old timey like Iwuga? You can do some really funny stuff. I don't know how you change it, but something, I must have hit a button on the steering wheel

and so I honk the horn and it goes, ah! Yeah. I didn't get that exactly right. Let me get it one more time. All right. There was a little honk at the end so I honk the horn and it goes, uh-huh. Yeah. And get that exactly right. Let me get a little more time. All right. There was a little honk at the end. I kind of had it. Yeah.

Uh. Yeah. Right. Yeah. Still not quite there. Not quite there. Do it one more time. One more time. And then we'll all try it. Three times a charm. Uh.

Mm. Uh. So you want to, you know, you're in traffic and you want to indicate, hey, you're too close to me, I need to let you know that I'm here. And I do that twice. That was it, that was it, perfectly. And that I honked twice and it shuffles through sounds so it goes, epic.

And the guy gets out in front of me. It's a motorcycle guy driving a car. He steps out of the car, but he's in full motorcycle gear. Motorcycle leather. Helmet, goggles. Yes. Jacket, motorcycle pads. Yeah. Like Batman, no cape, no cowl motorcycle guy.

Exactly. Okay, I got you. You remember when Batman would like have a lying down motorcycle? He would really like lie down on that thing. He would be completely lying down on the motorcycle. Belly down. Or his arse hole.

Yeah. He should have had like a recumbent bike, lay back. Instead of, yeah, if you're gonna lie down, you might as well be lying back. Yeah, that's terrible for your neck. Well, it's just so like, I hate to say it, it's Superman, Embi. He wants to look like he's flying.

So he's flying forward, yeah. He's like, he loves the pose, you know what I mean? And it's like, you can't fly, buddy, that's okay. And you know what's so sad? Superman, at the same time, was getting jealous of him and he was starting to fly around sitting up. Right. Flying in a seated position.

He'd be flying in Batmobile driving position, yeah, with his hands on a little invisible wheel. Yeah. And it's just like, you guys, you're so alike. You know what I mean? You kind of compliment each other. Yeah. It's true. Superman, Batman.? You kind of compliment each other. Yeah. It's true. Superman, Batman.

Why are we versusing each other all the time? Come on, well for money I guess. It's what people wanna see. And by the way, they made a good chunk of it. You show up to the theater and they're like, $20,000 or whatever it costs now. You realize, I knew it. I knew that's what this was about. I just came to make sure. it. I knew that's what this was about.

I just came to make sure. Yeah. I knew that's what this was all about. Why they were versusing. Surprise, surprise, not to me. Yeah, no, it's so jealous. And Superman's mad because Batman's rich. Let's face it.

Let's face it. I say to Batman and Superman, I say green is not your color. It's a Green Lantern's color. Good point. And Superman's excuse is like, oh, I thought it was from kryptonite. That's why I didn't make this money. Cause it's green?

I mean, look, he's a, he's from a rural community and he has a journalist salary. Uneducated, uneducated man. And he's broke and he's a broke bitch. Superman's a broke bitch. I mean, it's just classic, you know, Heartland versus the coastal elites. He's doing fucking print journalism.

He's fucking dying industry. He's an ink stained wretch, we used to say. Ink stained wretch Superman. Same thing, this Wonder Woman thing. I'm beginning to think she's broke as well. Pink stained wretch Superman. Same thing, this Wonder Woman thing. I'm beginning to think she's broke as well. I don't really think that's an invisible plane. You don't think it's a plane at all?

She's just saying it's a plane. Come on guys, get in the PJ. There's only one seat. It's like, that's not any PJ I've ever been. I don't think that's a. I'm sorry, what's PJ stand for? The private jet, baby. Private jet, excuse me, I don't. Come on, Johnny. I don't speak your Batman talk. Come. I'm sorry, what's PJ stand for? The private jet, baby. Private jet, excuse me. I don't.

Come on, Johnny. I don't speak your Batman talk. Come on, Johnny. Your coastal lean Batman talk. I'm a salt of the earth type from Brookline, Massachusetts. J-Hodge, come on. I say the PJ too, but. Conan's from there.

It can mean different things. Oh, Conan's from there. Conan is from there, Conan is from there. So is Mike Wallace, let go through it all. Leonard Nimoy's from Newton. Rattle them off. John Hodges from Brookline. Jack and BJ. Yep Nimoy's from Newton. Rattle them off. John Hodgman's from Brooklyn. Jack and BJ.

Yep, that's right. Wait, the fourth one you got to was John Hodgman's from Brooklyn. It also was the first one on the list. Those are the ones I remember. John F. Kennedy's birthplace right around the corner from Coolidge corner. It's one big corner. You know what I mean?

I grew up on these corners. Coolidge, JFK's birthplace corner. Crazy to think about for me. What do you mean? Just thinking about you growing up on those corners. Yeah, right? It's outside of your experience. I need a minute. Yeah, no it was rough.

You guys do the show and I'm gonna kinda soak this up. It was rough out there. Some of the imagery. It was rough out there. Yeah, well this weather that you brought. Yeah, look, often it was drizzly. Yeah. You know, we only had one good independent bookstore in the whole neighborhood.

How do you grow up like that? Like, you know what I mean? Einstein Brothers bagels. We didn't even have that. We had the Brugger's. Mm-hmm. And when I was growing up, there was just Ko bagels. We had, we didn't even have that. We had the Brugger's and when I was growing up, there was just coupels. That's what I would make fun of. The, the Brugger Brothers had called them the Einstein Brothers. I hated that.

Boy, you know how to get their goat. Yeah. You know how to get their goat. Yeah. You know, if I, if I want to. I actually don't eat my Brugger get their goat. Yeah. You know, if I, if I want it, I actually don't eat my broogers. Right. Right.

When I was growing up in Brookline, you know, if I wanted to see an independent film or a foreign film, I only had like four choices, you know, Coolidge, Nickelodeon, Hole in the Wall Cinema, Orson Welles, and then Orson Welles was down. West Newtonson Welles burned down. Wes Newton wasn't that far away. Wes Newton Cinema. I wasn't going over there. You weren't going over there.

No, come on, come on. Who do I look like, John Krasinski? I'm not going over there. Jack, that's what I, that's what I was talking about when I said Jack. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I got you. Okay. Right. Jack, Jack and Vac. That's John Krasinski and BJ Novak.

Yeah, right. Jack and Vac. The office boys, the officeak. Yeah, right. Jack and Vac. The office boys, the office brothers. The office boys, right? Jack and Vac. Yeah, they held their territory over there in Newton. Now I'm not saying that I wouldn't go over there with my mom when I was seven years old

to go to the Medi Mart to pick up my asthma medication. But I mean, that was a fight. That was a fight. That was a fight. We would get looks. People would know that's Brookline people. I don't know why- Really play up the asthma so they'd know why you were there.

I didn't have to play up. I'm a natural born asthmatic. Okay. NBA. That's what that stands for. That's what NBA stands for and where you come from. Yeah. That's for real right now. That's what MBA stands for and where you come from. Yeah. That's for real right now.

That's just how I'm breathing. Wow. You know how I breathe, badly. Mm-hmm. I don't know why we couldn't go to a pharmacy in Brookline, but I think, you know, my mom liked to walk the wild side, go over to Newton Center. She didn't want her friends to see you.

Sometimes you gotta touch that edge of danger like that. Well, that could be it, actually. Yeah, she did not want her friends to see you breathing like that. Yeah, well, yeah, it's- My kid, if he was on asthma, we'd be at the pharmacy all the time getting medication if he was having this sort of condition.

He was on asthma, on asthma. Well, that's what it seems like you are on. I'm not high on life. I'm low on asthma. That's right, yeah. If he was on asthma, like some of these other freakies you got over here, I'd probably be in the pharmacy,

but you've seen us, we've never gone to the local Medi Mart. But you know what I'm hearing here, John, is another book in you trying to come out. Wow. I did write some books, didn't I? It's trying so hard to come out and it's been a couple years, John.

This guy's having contractions, okay? He's trying so hard to come out and it's been a couple years, John. Having contractions, okay? He's in labor pains over here. You kind of had set up a cadence. I gotta get back in that book birthing pool. Right? We had a little bit of a rhythm going, you know what I mean?

Yeah, exactly, the rhythm method. Mm-hmm. Yeah, it's been working too well. Apparently. I've been pregnant for too long. I think that's how the rhythm method works, right? It extends the pregnancy. I'm just waiting for the Pope to tell me

when I'm allowed to have a book again. Mm-hmm, and my son, good news. Uh-oh, uh-oh. Oh, what's this? Pope Clement, the. Pope Pino himself. I think this guy's seen Conclave a few too many times. You can't see it too many times.

How else would you know that? No, because I find something new every time I watch it. Oh, it's full of Easter eggs. I watch- Full of Vatican Easter eggs. I watch a different part every time. Boy. A different part of the screen I look at.

They keep all those bedrooms for those cardinals just to come around every time a pope dies and otherwise what are they using them for? Airbnb? Places like a double tree suites in there. The cardinal bedrooms. Yeah, I wanted to talk about this. Did you?

So they have all these bedrooms, you know what I mean? Right. The cardinals are crashing. They're all hanging out together. Obviously during the conclave itself. That's what it's for. But that's only happening how often? I mean, once every 25 years typically.

25 years. Unless you get a Benedict who quits, you know what I mean? Benedict Arnold, more likely. And meanwhile, there must be 25 Italian people who are sleepy and have nowhere to snooze. Well, yeah. I mean, they'll snooze anywhere, the Italians. And I can say that because my grandmother

is from Northern Italy. But how did they have to develop this tendency that I agree they do have? They will absolutely snooze. Those fuckers will fall asleep. And I admire them for it. They can take a nap anywhere on the back of a Vespa. You know what I mean?

On the front of a Vespa. On a gondola in back of a Vespa. You know what I mean? On the front of a Vespa. On a gondola in Venice. Look, they understand. On a gondola just outside of Venice. You know, Italy invented self-care. That's a fact. In a sense, they did.

That's a fact. Yeah. I'm gonna take care of myself first. Pizza and gelato. You know what I mean? Then I can help others. Pastito. Or not. Yeah, pastito.

Pastito. Pastino. What are the best pastas? Shapes. Shapes. You know what I mean? Then I can help others or not. Yeah, Pastaito. Pastaito. Pasta-nino. What are the best pastas? Shapes. Shapes. Do you fuck with Orzo or no? Yeah, I liked it better the first time

when it was called Rice. Oh, wow. Yeah, I'm taking it back to the Hollywood minute. It's copying Rice. It's copying Rice. Well, just like be yourself, pasta. I don't know that we need so many tubes. I'm not against tubes, but we could probably pick like two.

We could have like a tube with ridges. Right. You know what, we could do three. Like a penne. I'll do three. I'll do like a bucatini, right, is like a hollow piece of spaghetti. That's interesting. And boy, did it have a moment a few years ago.

Remember that? Bucatini. What happened? I want. That's interesting. And boy, did it have a moment a few years ago. Remember that? Bucatini, get me- What happened? I want that pasta's agent. You know what I mean? Well, you know what? I want that pasta's agent then. I don't know that I want them now. That's right.

Because the moment they didn't- They peaked. They didn't translate that moment into longevity. Bucatini still works. Oh, I think Bukatini still works. Oh, I think Bukatini has a podcast now. Well, that's not impressive to me. You haven't heard the Bukatini boys?

Well, now I'm showing my age. Oh, it's gotta be true. I'm not in touch with the Bukatini boys. There's two Bukatini boys talking about Bukatini. Well, I guess that is impressive to me then. I didn't realize they had that large reach. But I mean, they were everywhere. I mean, they were everywhere.

Oh, it exploded. I mean, it was just. It was like I had never. First you never heard of it. It became Bucatlarge, Bucahuge. Yeah. You know, from being very Bucatini. The novelty songs on the radio. Yeah. Jesus Christ. Yeah.

Bucatini. Bucatini, yellow buca dot bucatini. Mm-hmm. Now it's more like buca over expose, you know what I mean? I'll take you to my, I have like a pasta guy, little pasta shop. You got a little pasta guy? If you're in town for a little while, I'll take you.

It's at the mall actually. If you're here, we'll all go together, yeah. Yeah, it's called Spend Chairs. Oh, Spend Chairs gifts? Spend Chairs gifts, yes. And they have this pasta Nino. Oh my goodness. The flavor, Jonathan.

Yes. And the texture of it. Not Jonathan, just John, thank you. And the shapes. J-O-H-N. The way that it tastes to eat. And the shapes will stimulate more than your palate. Oh, really?

You'll actually have a feast for multiple senses and some that we don't always talk about. And if you create, if you have to cook multiple boxes, you have to buy the whole set. It's gonna make my tube pasta al dente. Your bucatini will be subbed out for a bust and weenie. Oh wow. Because you're going to be actually-

Okay. Yes. No. You can create these creatures kind of with different, if you put different ones together. You can actually assemble a full functional sex partner. It's Spent Chairs. Yeah. Spent Chairs. Yes. Spent Chairs.

Spent Chairs. Spent Chairs. Yeah. Spent Chairs giftozos. So what? So what? What's untapped? Like how, like what are we going to put out there, Jon? Like we're going to need to actually have pages in the book.

I need a new, like you talk about books. John, J.W. Chen, not Jonathan, John K. Hodgman, that's me. America's favorite long-winded storyteller and occasionally wry humorist. I need a new chapter. I'm at a turning point. You'll get wry with it every once in a while. You know what I mean?

I get wry, I get a little wry. I get a little wry. But the point is like, I'll raise an eyebrow. But I'm kind of where Bucatini is. Do you know what I mean? I went from omnipresent. To podcasting. It's true. To podcasting. It's true to having aing. It's true, to having a podcast.

To having a podcast. Without even a bro. I haven't written that. Without even a bro. No. Do it with you, really. Well, I've been. There's a bro.

Jesse Thorne. Yeah, he has Jesse. Jesse Thorne, he's my bro. We bro out. Yeah, but it's not like the Buccadini brothers. We bro out over like Edward Gory and, you know, well, he likes sports, but we don't talk about that. But yeah, no, I haven't written a book for a while.

I haven't created anything for a while. It's just like now, you know, my children have left the house. Okay. They- Could be interesting. Yeah. Okay. But I mean, it's just like, you know,

it's a change of life. They're missing. Yeah, that's right. They're missing. I can't find them. By left the house, I mean, I woke up one day and they were gone. They were gone. Yeah, that's right. They're missing. I can't find them. By left the house, I mean, I woke up one day and they were gone. They were gone.

Yeah, I'm kind of searching for them. Yeah. Oh, Jonk, this is exactly the kind of podcast that could really capture. Thank you for using my full name, John Codgman. John K. Hodgeman. Yes. Exactly right, John Codgman.

Yes. Yeah, I mean, I went through Europe searching for them. Yeah. I am Neeson style. I love this. They've taken land too. Yeah, exactly. Uh, a certain set of skills is the, is the subject.

Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. Vacation land too. They taken land. There you go. But I'm not even sure they were taken. They taken land?

Yes. The question mark. Yeah. We can go so many directions. There you go. But I'm not even sure they were taken. They taken land? Yes, the question mark. Make it a question mark. Yeah. We can go in so many directions. Yeah, yeah. Maybe so, it's funny how, you know,

they say write what you know, right? But no one ever thinks about like, do you know anything interesting or are you boring? Yeah. Maybe you just know boring stuff. They don't think about that. Yeah. So you have to know interesting things. Yeah. But. Maybe you just know boring stuff. They don't think about that. Yeah. So you have to know interesting things.

Yeah. But even then knowing- Or eat them. The hard part is knowing what you know. Because here I am just talking with two of my favorite friends. And Kevin's here. How I ate my way through seven continents

searching for my missing children. Searching for my abducted children. Mm-hmm. How I learned to take my time, how I Searching for my abducted children. Mm-hmm. How I learned to take my time, how I went searching for my abducted children, but learned to enjoy my life. Yeah, but ended up finding myself, and that's it.

Yeah, I mean, it's like, that has been my life. Ended up finding like canopies. But it didn't occur to me now to even think about writing it down. This might be a story that people enjoy. That's the thing. They say, write what you know. The hard part is to know what you know.

Well, yeah. You know who you would really get along with is Donald Rumsfeld. Wow. Say more on that. I just think you guys are circling the same area. I feel like you talk about some of the same stuff. Oh, right.

Knowing what you know. The known unknowns. Yes, knowing what you know. Not knowing what you don't know. Knowing what you don't know if you know. And ultimately, knowing how to sell a couple copies of a goddamn piece of fucking binding and a couple of papers in between,

right, and a cover like I'm picturing, where it's the Junkyard Dog. That's my nickname. Well known. J.K. Hodgman. Bad, bad. The original Ry guy. LeRoy Hodgman. Ry'd and dirty.

Meaner than a Junkyard Dogman. Ry and dirty. Meaner than a junkyard dog. Ry and dirty. Right? That just you looking mean, but with a very delicate French pastry of some sort. I guess we were staying on all the continents. We're talking about all these continents, but we've been on Europe the whole time. It's very Eurocentric. We've been on Europe the whole time. I know, very Eurocentric. We've been on Europe the whole time.

I know, very Eurocentric. We gotta broaden our horizons a little bit. But maybe we're being also good by being like, that's where the kidnappers, we don't wanna. Well, it's true, the last phone call I got from our son and daughter was, please help us, daddy. We're in a prison in an island in Greece. Okay.

And I'm like, well, hang on, I'm in Milan right now. I'll get there, you know what I mean? Yeah. But I'm eating my way through Milan cause there are a number of great, people don't like Northern Italian, people think Southern Italian cuisine is the best. They're Italian.

There's Northern Italian, Northern Italian Southern Italian cuisine is the best. They're Italian. They're Northern Italian. Northern Italian, Northern Italy is a whole different country. And it's like, I wanna get up to the Italian Alps, the Dalmatians, you know what I mean? I'm going to do skiing. That's huge if that's true that it's another country. Yeah. And you can Milanese anything.

That's true. Chicken Milanese. Fruit. Bucatini Milanese. I did chicken I had not actually heard of, but yeah. Yeah, yeah, I but yeah, every fruit. So, you know, I'm still looking for clues right now. Money Mellonese. Donald Rumsfeld, you say, huh?

Soda. I don't know, just, you may be thinking. One of the things I'm working on in my career is trying to make more timely cultural references. You know, that's hard. Pepsi One Mellonese. Pepsi One, Pepsi Clear Mellonese. Pepsi Clear Mellonese. DP10, right? Mellon hard. Well, that's what I did. Pepsi One, Milanese. Pepsi One, Pepsi Clear, Milanese. Pepsi Clear. DP10, right?

Milanese. DP10, Milanese. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dr. Pepper 10. Yeah, 10 calories, Dr. Pemper. Yeah. Whoa! Hollywood handbook. Guys, ever feel like managing your business finance is a full-time job on top of your actual full-time job? Yeah, me too.

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Scoring touchdowns is key to hoisting the Vince Lombardi trophy, okay? That's literally something I said yesterday. And I've been saying that. That's literally my line, scoring touchdowns is key to hoisting the Vince Lombardi trophy. That's literally what I've been saying since yesterday. Is this copy they sent us? This literally what I've been saying since yesterday.

Is this copy they sent us? This is what Hayes was saying to me. That's literally what I said yesterday. And I said- He called me at 6 a.m. And I said, this is my line for this year's Super Bowl. Scoring touchdowns is key to hoisting the Vinsland Barty Trophy.

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Hollywood ham. So yeah, maybe I'll write about my quest to find my children. I hadn't thought about that honestly. I was just like, I'm running out of ideas and it's very hard. That's why we have these. And that's just one.

They used to come so frequently. These sessions, they were, yeah. You know what I mean? Like snaps, snaps in the air almost. I mean, we've done the show before and I feel like even just seeing the difference between then, when was the last time Jonk was on the show?

2021. 2021. So we're talking four years ago. I was quicker then. I was quicker then. Damn, dude. I couldn't get a damn word in, man. Yeah, but now, well, part of it is that I've learned to listen.

That? And the other part of it is I learned when to lay back and not talk. And the third part of it is, I just, you know, you have to respect that as an artist, your brain is a muscle and it changes, your body changes, do you know what I mean? Metabolizes things differently.

You can say- You have to respect. It's time for me to sit back and listen without having done anything wrong. You know? Oh yeah. The guys that did bad stuff kind of took. Oh right.

Sitting back and listening. They really stigmatized sitting back and listening as only a sort of course correction from having committed a crime or something. A horrible offense against someone else's dignity and humanity. Yeah, but actually- It can be time to do that just because your body

is making you. You could just be sort of tired, which it sounds like you are. Yes. In which case, like, that's time to sit back and listen. Yeah. Certainly not time to like try- Also-

To start taking big swings. Maybe some music is on. That's a great time to sit back and listen. Maybe some music was on. Maybe it's time for me to be quiet and take it in. Maybe Hayes is reading something to you. And in retrospect, maybe somebody. Maybe he's tucking me in.

Maybe some of these guys. And Uncle Batman is there making some bucatini. Oh, and the smell of the bucatini that Robert Pattinson would make. Uncle Bob. When Uncle Bob would come to cook his famous bucatini. The famous Boil Cucatini. Proust said, nothing captures the imagination like Madeleine cookies.

And what I think he meant by that is, we associate memories with smells and sense, sense memories in food a lot of the time. I'm not sure if he knew that when he wrote it, but that's my takeaway from it. So, I mean. I'm trying to connect that to what I thought he meant. In the translation I read, it was Madeleine's cookies.

And I didn't know what part that was. There was a crude drawing of Madeleine Khan. And they sell those at Spent Chairs as well. Yeah. Madeleine's cookies is real, and airports in France, that's where you go to get Madeleine's cookies. The translation that I read said Madeleine's Cookies is real, and airports in France, that's where you go. The translation that I read said Madeleine's Coochie. And I'll just say, you know, and that was, it was sort of scratched in there,

but it seemed pretty official. Proust put his initials next to it to be like, this is the version I want. Right. So, yeah. What was his want. Right. So. Yeah. What's his first name again? Marcel. MP.

The big MP they call them. Marcel Proust, is that right? Marcel. Meghan Markle Proust. Marcel. Meghan Markle Proust. The brute with books on. You know, a long time ago, this is true.

You want a true story? Remember how stars are just like us? I want to hear one. Yeah. Okay is a true, you want a true story? Remember how stars are just like us. I want to hear one. Yeah. Okay. Did you want to hear a true story? Yeah.

I mean, I'd sort of like to go to the store and buy one from you. I mean, this is what we're like. An incredible nemesis for Marcel, Marcel, which is on, which is Marcel the brute with boots on, who I sell the kicks I said, oh, I thought it was boots. No, because he writes books. I just thought like, yeah, books. If he had boots as opposed to normal shoes. Marcel the brute with boots on.

And he's just a little shell. Kicks the fucking ever living Jesus. But Marcel the brute with boots, just stops him unconscious. I think you've got something. Well, it just certainly would be a good, inciting incident for the next film. You ever write a kid's book? No.

Okay. Not intentionally, right? Number one. You've probably got a hold of it. I vowed that I wouldn't write a kid's book. Mm-hmm Until I found my own children could be a good way to find them because often these Captors are like I gotta find a way to get these kids to shut up Yeah, I got it when they like when they're probably saying it in Greek when a big hulking Greek guy

Goes into the bookstore is like you got something to get a kid to shut up. But like that, you can often follow them back to. Yes, that triggers a silent alarm. Yeah. So that could be one way. Okay, I could write a kid's book. That says, yeah. And it's, and I'll put it like an air tag in every one.

And then I just have to go from place to place in Greece, wherever the books are. If you, if you wrote a book called this book will get your kid to shut up, I think it would sell as a novelty book. It's already happened. Well, there's the go to fuck to sleep one, but like that was a really long time ago.

You think, you honestly think you would move that way to be published right now. Right. Right. It's, but I'm afraid that we've given our You honestly think you would move way to be public setting out, right? But I'm afraid that we've given our audience a form of intellectual blue balls because my friend over here. John, has a true story.

A true story. A true story. And I just don't wanna get too far away from it because I know if I was listening, look, all this stuff is great. Yeah. But I still have a piece of me that couldn't fully lock in because I know if I was listening, look, all this stuff is great. But I still have a piece of me that couldn't fully lock in until I heard the true story.

Well, a long time ago, I made some- We'll cut the true story, obviously, when we- Yeah, no, you won't include it, right? This is just for us. Yeah. Okay. So go with- A long time ago, I made a series of, I was part of a series of ads for Apple Computer.

Aha! Right? That was really, that was my bucatini era. I was just thinking about these. Rumsfeld days, right? Rumsfeld days. You and Rumsfeld were both on TV. Well, you know what? This is something people don't know.

We shot a lot more commercials than aired, often with a lot of guests. So all, everyone was coming through, all these famous people wanted to be in there. I'm a Mac, I'm a PC and I'm Donald Rumsfeld. Wait, it happened. It happened. Didn't the- That's what I'm saying. And wait, John-

John, that's what I'm saying, hey. I remember both of your names. And John, didn't the same guy direct both of you? Yeah. Every one of those was directed by the same guy. But didn't he direct a movie about Donald Rumsfeld as well? Uh, maybe, I don't know.

I only focused on the ads. No. Okay. Yeah. Daw, so Donald Rumsfeld came through. Tony Robbins came through. James Carville came through. This is all true.

Most of it. Wow. And then, but I, there, those are the famous people, right? Then, right? At that time, those were the most famous people we had. Carville, Robbins, Ramesthal. That was the more we had like Batman, stuff like this. They were touring together. That used to be our superheroes were these, you know, political leaders.

Absolutely. And thought leaders. Yeah. Yes. They were on the Kings of Thought Leader Tour and they would film Stadia and then they came through. And then, but there were people who were not yet stars before they were Buccotini.

And, you know, the director of those ads, Phil Morrison, sent me a shot that he had kept. I mean, I think it was before the iPhone. I don't know why he had this picture. Did you think Donald Rumpfeld was in Adventureland? I thought. You thought it was Greg Metolo? I thought it was.

Oh, wait. Oh, shit. What did Phil Morrison do? A June bug. That's what you're thinking. I thought it was Aero Morris, but it was his son. He did something for Apple. Aero Morris did the Apple ads before.

Before. That was the, right, before. Yeah, he did those stuff. Yes, Jesus. Exactly. I think. Anyway. Here's the truth.

Well, I'm glad I did Adventureland because now we're on equal footing. We both really stepped in it today. Thanks fucking God. If I had pulled Junebug in the moment. You would have, wow. Oh God, I stand up, I walk out. Well look, here's the thing. I never see haze again. But time moves in one direction and it moves fast. You were there. Wow. Oh God, I stand up, I walk out. Well look, here's the thing.

I never see haze again. But time moves in one direction and it moves fast. You know what I mean? And here we are on the other side of it. My kids are imprisoned in Greece. I'm talking to you guys. I'm just looking for some clues. It's just fast.

Everything's happening. It's fast. But what I was gonna tell you is, Phil sends me this picture from the set of the Apple. We had a whole bunch. It was one of these things where it was like me and Justin Long, and then there were like 15 people.

I think they were, I don't know who they represented. Some kind of Apple products. AirTags, maybe it was too early for that. But anyway. It probably was. Yeah, maybe it was just a, anyway. I hope you're joking. What's that? When you say AirTags, I hope that's for comedic effect because it was long before air tags.

And Sean knows exactly when air tags were invented. You know how people wait in line for the iPhone, the first iPhone that was shot for air tags? Air tags. Yes. Right. Yeah. You were so excited about that. He was out there with a tent.

Right? A tent and a folding chair. Yeah. He comes out of the store, they're only letting me buy one. Noah, that was very strict at the time, only one air tag at a time. It's for Sean. It was a rule just for Sean. Other people could buy more than one.

If you looked particularly excited, because they were selling them in like three packs, but for some reason, something about the way I was buying it, they just slipped me one. Right, we've created this new technology that can be used to track your keys or the person you're stalking. Yeah. Why not? Hey, hey, Apple, I'm just having some fun here.

Wanna come back immediately, please. Just joking around. 15 bucks and you can stock basically anyone with great effectiveness. Also, if they want to know they're being stocked, all they gotta do is buy all Apple products. If only I had sewn air tags into my children's clothes, right?

Instead of quarters. I cheaped out. Yeah. I should have. I cheaped out. Yeah. I should have used the air. They're like, daddy, can we have airtags sewn in our clothes so you can drank us all the time? I said, sure, son and daughter. I sewn it.

I sewed quarter. First of all, I'm a very good sewer, but I sewed quarters in cause I was just like, this is, it's never going to be the case that they're kidnapped in Europe. I'm never going to, I'm never going to lose. You know, this is the thing you're both, are you both parents? And now you're reaping what you've sown.

Oh, wow. And it's because it's- Wow. You know what? Put it in the book. I don't mind. Put it in the book. I'll quote you though.

Oh, it's fine. I'll give you credit. It's stupid. Maybe special thanks. Maybe dedicate the book to me. But this is the thing, like, in these times- In these times. They look at you weird, like they say you're like profiling or something

if you're sewing air tags into just like Greek guys clothes, you know, because like just in case they want like, kidnap your kids or something. Right, no. Oh man, profiling. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I just, we could do that. Profiling has been so weaponized.

Mm-hmm. Right. And it's like, well, that's who's kidnapping the kids. It's actually good when you do it right and you catch somebody. Yes. Who's doing something wrong.

Yeah, if you haven't kidnapped my kids, you have nothing to worry about. Well, a fucking profiler. You know what I mean? Yes. The profiler was catching people fucking left and right. You know what I mean? The profiler was catching people fucking left and right. You know what I mean?

The profiler. From the show, the profiler. That was good when they did that. Now it's like, you're profiling. It's like, well, thank you very much. What a compliment. That means I'm as heroic as the profiler. One of the most beloved TV characters of all time.

What are you gonna say I'm doing next, mentalizing? Seriously. And by the way, profile, it's one of the great angles of the head. Oh, God. You know what I mean? Maybe in your case. Well, I'm just saying. No, I'm self-conscious.

No, you have a great profile. You have some cartoons of you like that, right? You're like obsessed with looking like that. Doing the cartoons, you're obsessed with your own cartoons of you. What, a profile? Yeah. Profile view, three-quarter view, full- on view. Yeah, I have all the caricatures.

I have a caricature of myself made once a week. Wow. So I can see how I age cartoon style. You know, trust mirrors because the lighting changes and all of that, but a nice, a nice caricature. Also it's possibly a portal to an evil dimension. You know what I mean? I think about that more than I should. You have to think about it. Yeah. You have to think evil dimension. Mm-hmm. You know what I mean?

I think about that more than I should. You have to think about it. Yeah. You have to think about it. Or maybe less than I should. And nowadays you have to wonder, which side of the mirror am I even on? Yeah. Right?

I don't know. Because what's going on in the world today? No, I'm kidding. It's as if we're on the other side of the mirror. This is what it would be like over there. Where we are through a glass darkly. And the mirror is sometimes black. We used to say the tariffs were

at other mirror guys' problem. But now it's like we're there. Well, I'm on the tariff side, so cheers other side of the mirror guy, because I guess you must be living it up over there. Yeah, they're having a good time in the mirror universe. Yeah, they're having a blast. They must be, because what I got going on over here is no bueno.

Yeah, but you've got a nice profile. That's actually really means a lot. You also have a nice profile. Parts of it are okay. That's actually making me feel really good right now. Yeah, well, I mean, look. You've got a wonderful ski slope nose. Thank you.

I don't want any slope nose. Thank you. I don't want any more specifics, thank you. You want me to go further? I would like to stop at the one specific. It's a bunny hill. Anyway, we're doing this ad and they have a bunch of young people come in to play something else in the ad.

I don't remember, this is a thousand years ago, no one even knows what I'm talking about anymore. You ever talk to Jay Long these days. No one even has a computer anymore. What? You and Jay Long ever talk now? Yeah, we are on his podcast. Oh sure. It's the only time.

For money. I don't get paid. No, I know, but he's like, oh yeah, I'll talk to you. I show up to the podcast, they say give me freaking 50 million dollars, whatever it costs now. I auditioned, well I was- Would love to have him on this. they give me fricking $50 million, whatever it costs now. Fucking. I auditioned, well I was.

Would love to hack him on this. I was offered the role of the monster in Barbarian. Okay. But I was allergic to the suit. When I watched it, it felt like it was written for a different type. Yeah. And I was saying, something feels missing,

something's off. You were allergic to the big teat suit. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Lactose intolerant, I guess. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was like the Tin Man and Wizard of Oz. They had to recast.

Lactate intolerant. Also they realized that was not a terrific actor as a monster or as a human, so. No. You weren't? No. Come on, I seen you in some stuff. I'll tell you what, so. No. You weren't? No. Come on. I seen you in some stuff. I'll tell you what, I'm good when I'm straight to camera,

but put me in profile. Take it down the barrel. Forget it, forget it, forget it. This guy acts like he wasn't unmarried. Wow. This fucker acts like he wasn't unmarried. Yeah. I got a long memory, brother. Oh boy. Come on boy They have the technology now

What if they brought married back and they rigged a camera to like your belt and it's coming straight out and it's pointing The whole thing like like a steady cam selfie or the or those shows on MTV where they're exploring the haunted house and they're afraid Oh, yeah, I was just talking about those It was called like freaked or something. Freaked out. And they'd be right through the house. Yeah, I remember that. Oh man.

I could do that. I could, that could be in one of those shows. What is that? What is that? Yeah, very, very admirable. And at the end of the, in the same time they're premiering Michael Jackson's Ghosts on MTV. You're like, this shit is scary on here now.

Time moves in one direction. The M in MTV stood for murder because it was really scary stuff. Yeah, and the TV, what does the TV stand for? Terror, violence. Terror, violence. Terror and violence. Terrorism.

Murder, terrorism, violence. Murder, terrorism, violence. Yeah, yeah, I want my murder, terrorism, violence. But then 9-11 comes and you can't name your TV network after terrorism anymore. You can't profile Greek kidnappers. Now profiling's bad. No, no.

And... Sick to my stomach, man. Kids books. Kids books. Did you ever read Madeline from the cookies? Ms. Clavel said, uh, something is not right. That's all I remember from that particular book.

It's about the orphan French children. The first book is about Madeline. What happens in that book? I was just reading this to my daughter, really famous book. Gets lost. Her appendix bursts. Yep, that's right. That's the smallest one.

Right, right. That's what happens in the book. Her appendix bursts and she goes to the hospital. She's too small. There's no room for it. Her appendix gets just kind of squozing up in there. Her appendix was the biggest part of her at that point, her swollen appendix.

Yeah, they had to make room. So what about this? You do one. So she goes to the, my memory of Madeline is, she's living in the orphanage. Miss Clavel is the nun that takes care of her. They walk through straight lines through Paris. Yes. Then all of a sudden, eh, my appendix hurts.

I don't know, what's appendix in French? Kevin, look it up. Thank you. Anyway, she said, ma'am, all the bit, bit, bit hurts. The people. She goes into the hospital and she, and she like gives all these presents and all this attention. Yep.

And the other girls in the orphanage are, they're a little annoyed by it. And so in the middle of the night, they each come in, they have soap in a bag and they just hit her. Yeah. They each take a turn pounding her with soaps in the back because it doesn't leave bruises. That's my memory of that book.

And the truth is it does. Yes. No, she wakes up with massive bruises. That's what they learn. Yeah, they find out. How's that translation coming, Kevin? Appendix. Say it again? Yeah, they find out. How's that translation coming, Kevin? Appendix. Say it again?

That can't be it. Appendice. Appendice. Appendice. Appendice. They can make anything sound so sexual. Gets so horny. But the joke was on those vengeful orphans

because she just had to stay more, spend more time in the hospital. More time in the hospital. Appendice. And they made it seem so great. That book blows up. All these little girls are getting elective appendectomies. Yeah, that was-

In France. Yeah, well that's a real thing that happened because of the Madeline book. Yes, oh yes. Well, that's what Hayes just said. That's literally what I just said. Well, I thought he was, okay. I thought he was saying-

Appendices copying me like the rice. Copy, right. And- Like Orze like the rice. Right. And like, or is it copies rice? I offer this to you. Okay. I'll take it. Which is, hang on, let me listen. You do a book.

It's a book for kids, but it's about a adult man who is also at a school with other men where they have to walk in a straight line. And he gets a kibbe stowed. So it's adult, and it takes place in Paris? Yeah, sure. And is the book called Junk? Junk.

J-E-M-C. Junk. Junk. J-E-A-N-C. Junk. Junk. Junk-lum. Junk, junk, you're falling behind. Junk. Junk. You're falling behind. Junk. Keep up with the line. I'm enjoying this very much. I think this is an incredible idea. Will you, will you look up kidney stone?

Quoi? Que qu'il reno. Que qu'il reno. Que qu'il reno. The fox is pebble. The fox is pebble. The fox is pebble. The fox is pebble. The fox is pebble. Yeah. Well, hang on, I just got a text. All right. Would you care to share it with the rest of the class?

When you get a text, you should bring enough for everybody. What about a new- My children have been freed. That's really great, John. Isn't that great? Yes. That's what they call a happy ending. You don't get many of those these days. No. Here's another great, John. Isn't that great? Yes. That's what they call a happy ending. You don't get many of those these days.

No. Here's another book, John. I've been reading lately. Areas of my text expertise. Oh my God. And it's all text message formats. It's all text message formats. It's all bubble ad.

That's how we read these days. I mean, honestly. It's these conversations, yes. I have some text threads that are more engrossing than Moby Dick. Oh, I believe in some of the people that you know. This guy's Rolodex and he downplays it a little bit,

but he's got some heavy hitters in there. Let me tell you some of the texts that I've gotten from here. Just not to brag. All right. Martin, Dan. Oh no. Gene, Nicholas, Kay.

Okay. That's short for Catherine, that's my wife. We know, okay. We know. Kay. That's nice. Paul F. Tompkins. Wow.

And then 19185717306. What's that one? John, when criminals fire bombed my FBI car outside my home. I was offered a transfer to protect my safety. I turned it down. I'm former FBI special agent Dennis Baker. I've never backed down from a fight. Wow.

And now I'm running to protect Oklahoma house district 71 from emboldened MAGA extremists and the June 10th special election. And then it goes on from there. That's really good. I just got the same. I just got a text from this guy. I mean, this is an F a former FBI. Criminals texting you direct just texting me directly.

What did criminals fire bomb? My FPI car. This guy's FBI car. This guy may have been a profiler. This guy may have been a profiler. This guy may have been a profiler. The F.P.I. uses those. And they have to drive to and from work or to the site of the profiling area.

Zoning, staging area. Zone, yes. Profile zone. The profile zone. That was my favorite F.P.I. themed theme restaurant, the profile zone. Profile zone. Remember where zone. That was my favorite FBI themed theme restaurant, the profile zone. Profile zone. Remember where you would go, right?

Yeah. And yeah, and they wouldn't serve you until you had given a full profile of a serial killer. Mm-hmm, yeah, and it had to be believable. And by the way, the serial was killer. Uh-huh, it's always the bookahini. It surely was. It surely was.

It surely was. What's his name? Oh, former FBI special agent Dennis Baker. Dennis. Dennis Baker is his name. Gotta vote for Dennis Baker. Okay, wait. Hey, Oklahoma.

Dennis Baker. Okay, go ahead. Wake up and show up for former FBI special agent Dennis Baker. Dennis Baker may have been a profiler, the mentalist played by FBI special agent Dennis Baker. Dennis Baker may have been a profiler, the mentalist played by Simon Baker. Simon Baker.

That's right. I'm on the other side of the mirror. I am on the other side of the mirror, okay? Yeah, okay. This is fucking freaky. Here we go. Give me the MTV camera pointing at me. This is like-

You do feel like you're living in a simulation at some times, don't you? Just because everything kind of fits together a little too well. The coincidences are too big. I mean, it's just, it can't, there's a narrative. There's a narrative at work. Yeah, it's, it's funking me up. Uh, and hang on, let me just Venmo my children some money

so they can buy a ticket home. Yeah, go ahead. How much do you think I should Venmo them? Nice dad. It's Greece. Should I get a PJ? Inflation and stuff over there, right? Don't they need like a whole wheelbarrow of money

just to buy an egg? Yeah, they just have wheelbarrows of eggs, unfortunately. I'll get a PJ. Hang on, let me go to blade.com. What the fuck did he say? Did you get a helicopter? Blade.com has the helicopter. That's the Greek helicopter app.

Yeah. Oh, this is what I wanted to tell you, true story. Okay. Bye. Is that the end of the podcast? Yep. Whoa. Hollywood handbook. That was a HeadGum podcast.

Hi, I'm Caleb Herron, host of the So True podcast now on HeadGum. Every week, me and my guests get into it, and we get down to what's really going on. I ask them what's so true to them, how they got to where they are in life, a bunch of other questions. And we also may or may not test their general trivia knowledge. Whether it's one of my sworn enemies like Brittany Broski or Drew Fualow or my actual biological mother Kelly, my guests and I are just after the truth.

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