Hollywood Handbook - John Hodgman, Our Judge Friend

Episode Date: March 30, 2021

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This is a HeadGum Podcast. allows the creators a lot of time for this development. And there's sort of a hiatus right now, but that means when it comes back, it will be ready and done. So it's me. It's Kelly Ripa, and it's David it's um uh it's kelly rippa and it's david strathairn and we are the environmental crusaders and we are and this is the new why with the with kelly and david like this is the that is very exciting that is the lineup yes but we this is an off day and we are out and there's a construction project that we don't agree with where they're building on valuable marshland and so we've

decided to sabotage all of the equipment so we're going in to pour sugar into the gas tanks and it's very scary and it's very dangerous but we care this much about the earth and we're going to pour sugar in the gas tanks of the backhoe the excavator the skid steer we're going to go ahead and we're going to get into the snow plow which they have there we're going to the bulldozer and it's dangerous just because you around sugar that's that's dangerous buddy if i if one if one pebble of the sugar if a single grain touches my tongue and dissolves into my bloodstream you will see me go full tasmanian devil style on just about anyone near me that's why i've cut it out of my diet it's not a health thing in fact i'm as i'm the unhealthiest i've ever been in my life but i did cut it out because i i was going to get arrested and go to jail so anyway we're sabotaging these these big trucks these big machines and we

go boy it'd be a shame to sabotage them before we get a chance to drive them yeah so kelly gets in the cab of the excavator and i'm i'm crashing into her with the bulldozer and you know david he's in a big cherry picker and he's throwing water balloons down at us but before you know we've built the housing project wow you drove the machine so well you built the entire thing yeah and now we've assembled this really beautiful community and people are going to have homes as a result. People are moving in. People are already there.

They're hanging out. They're playing stickball in the alleys and hanging the laundry on the balcony. Meanwhile, the rare marsh birds have gathered to applaud our efforts. Like they're so impressed. And I'm going like, did we have this all wrong? Wow. Yeah. So it was a bit new site eventful sunday welcome to hollywood handbook an insider's guide to kicking butt and dropping names in the red carpet linebacker always of this industry of this industry we call showbiz

what up what up we're not doing our own show today let's get into it we're doing a different show which which is always people's favorite show is when we don't do our show and we have a huge opportunity for that today we have a nice guest thank you nice man hodge man john hodgeman john hodgeman hodgeman is here that's nice the honorable nice john hodgeman we honor you today and you honor us it's nice i've never thought about the fact that my name has man in it it's a little cruel since i am really only theoretically masculine in all ways. It's there. Look. Ooh, wow. Let's get into it.

Yeah. Let's get into it. Mm-hmm. Yes, you are bringing it with your mask identity in the name. You are forcing it on people. Okay. I don't want to get canceled then and when we're looking at john as well and we're thinking like john you know right sure one of the top apostles yes like this

is a boy we're we're look they were this is a we're we're talking about like a serious boy here. John the boy. I was a very serious and studious boy. Boy Hodgeman would be probably more. And that's what we're really looking at here. I mean, John, let's break that down. I probably should have been named Manchild Cringer. That's probably more accurate. Oh, yeah. That is so cringe.

Terrified of life. It's cringe, but I love it. Esquire. Anyway, hi. I'm sorry I interrupted your time. No, I was just saying. No, we had nothing. We were already out of gas.

These TV shows. Yeah, right? These movie appearances. You know what my motto is talk about it my motto is my brand is fucked i do too many different things no one knows what i no one knows what i do dude yeah and and reasonably therefore no one cares well people go people ask me you know i tell my wife oh we got john hodgman today she says who's john hodgman i go right who isn't john hodgman yeah you know what i mean because this guy is wearing so many hats he's

even got one now that it looked like the design is coming off no it's it's on there pretty good it came off for a second you couldn't see it's like 3d though huh yeah it's good to talk about on a podcast but yeah my visual appearance is as. I am wearing a gray snapback cap with a cool Aaron Grapple design. I'm wearing a I have a little bit of a scruffy salt and pepper beard and an American Giant hoodie. It is my way of telling the world midlife crisis in action. I am old. American Giant hoodie. You click on one of those banner ads huh you

couldn't resist they made the science for the best hoodie that ever and it they made a science yeah they made a science they made a new science they made a long line like the science has been made like isaac newton inventing the calculus a new science was made called double stitching and good advertising. Bam. They don't even pay us for this stuff, but I got to say. I'm sorry. The science of these hoodies.

Totally. My God, man. Yeah. Somebody was pulling all-nighters in the lab. You know what it's like it's like it's so scientific it's like it is like a tardis is bigger on the inside than on the out on the outside i look like it's really big on the inside yeah i look like i look like i could pass for a normal human being on the inside i i mean i know that I have this incredible fat gut.

Oh, wow. Yeah. Okay. You're swimming in it. I got whole areas of my body that are literally swimming in a swimming pool. Big areas. There's one of them inside of here, too. My hoodie is a TARDIS.

I'm not ashamed to say it. It hides a lot. Hides a lot. John Big Area's Hodgman. That's right. The areas of my expertise the first book i wrote yes my long journey towards confusing people about what so your brand is fucked you wrote all these books yeah you're on tv you're a judge and people are still like there's the pc and you're like okay i guess we're talking about that now.

Yep. And then it's something else. You can't prep anything because you don't know what people are going to try to talk to you about. Yeah. Well, I do have pages and pages of notes. Thank you, Sean, for taking all of my David Strathairn material.

Okay. I guess I can cross that out. Yeah. So good night and good luck to you i guess how how do you pronounce the host of good morning america michael strong stress the straight hand straight straight hand straight straight hands strange hand yeah stray hands michael strange hand michael dr strange hands do you think they should be in a movie Michael Strangehand. Michael, Dr. Strangehands? Do you think they should be in a movie together called

Michael Strahan and David Strathairn in The Unpronounceables? Or should it be called The Strangehands? I like my pitch of Strahan drew things. I just don't want it to be totally ignored.

I got lost. I really, really like it to be totally ignored. That got lost. I really, really like my pitch and I am resubmitting it. Stray Andrew Things. Stray Andrew Things. Stray Andrew Things. Stray Andrew Things. I'm frustrated that Armie Hammer is not

a viable celebrity at the moment. He is not viable. he's more famous than ever actually right so in terms of celebrity sure he's peaking yeah true but he can't but he's not viable i think in in terms of like i don't think you should pitch us a project starring him because i can't see it getting off the ground like Like he couldn't be in the he couldn't be doing his Jon Hamm impersonation in a buddy comedy with Jon Hamm called Hamm and Hammer. Yeah. That's really good.

Gosh, that could be good. But in this way, I'm sorry but in this one you're saying he is impersonating Jon Hamm in the Oh yeah. You're having him impersonate Jon Hamm in the movie and Jon Hamm's just playing himself unlike the unlike the rest of the john ham doing unlike the rest of army hammer's career in this

movie got it completely copy the vocal inflections of john ham unlike every other thing he's ever done hey look oh this is dangerous my brand is, but I don't want to be eaten alive. I'm sorry I said that. Sorry I said what I said, Army Hammer. I mean, arguably your brand is more fucked than mine, but I have a feeling that Army Hammer is going to get another bite at the apple, we'll say. Whereas Hodgman, I'm not sure it's going to happen. I do my Judge John Hodgman podcast, and I'm ready to go into the darkness after that. That's nice to have your eye on the prize like that. The prize being death.

Sweet silence. Just hiding in the dark, cold Maine woods, unnoticed and unthought of until uh until well i guess i want to live i guess i want to live i don't want to die so you know but i'm ready to i'm ready to move out okay we usually get about this this is usually the end of the show deciding whether we want i know i know believe me i know i'm so excited i mean like i hope that i get to be the one that you guys finally sentenced to death i hate to say that you are more forgiving than i than i expected when i started listening to this podcast us too but yeah you know what i mean we were planning on executing probably a third of our guests yeah but a third but a hundred percent of them i don't know i don't know if that's true

but most of them are alive the zoom The pandemic has made it a lot more difficult because then we have to go over there. Yeah. Well, yeah. It's like I don't want to expose myself when I'm killing the guest who displeased me, the emperor of the podcast. Also a visual that the audience will enjoy knowing about

is as emperor of the podcast you are currently draped with a with a live cat around your shoulders sean yeah this is an incredibly regal look for you it's like ermine like a king would wear a a robe with an ermine collar you've got a live it's worse than that really because i hope it's i mean i hope it's live it's not moving a lot yeah it's probably sleepy okay not taxidermy no not yet all right fair enough we i mean and i want to get this out of the way it's like speaking of sean being displeased uh he has been talking to me a lot this week about how we were having a Yaley on the show oh yeah Sean is of course a crimzoid and uh has been saying some

stuff and we've talked about this a lot like the way Sean talks about people from Yale is very... Somehow, I don't really know how this works, but it is racism. Just like you hear it and it's indistinguishable from racism. You're talking about how I am a graduate of Yale University, a four-year accredited college in Southern Connecticut. And Sean, you're a Harvard graduate. That's, yes. Great.

I'm really excited to be on this, the most accessible episode of Hollywood Handbook ever. This will be great. I'm hearing podcast players being thrown into the ocean all over the country right now. Terrific. They're solo podcast players like they're little that's right yeah it's a no they're little mini discs they just put thousands of zooms ipod nanos my god the zooms yeah the zooms the zooms are being used to create a um create an artificial reef in the great barrier reef in australia now

zing gotcha microsoft maybe a pc but i'm still a mac yeah he was actually working for apple that whole time people never knew people never knew oh great our guy got in there hey one of our guys got into the commercial they broke in oh this is so good for us i can't believe apple's so dumb to put one of us in there do they even know do they even see what's happening he's right on screen next to the other guy and he's holding his own and that other guy looks like a slob what an idiot he's not even dressed correctly to be in a commercial. I was wearing a hoodie. He was cool. He was a John Hodgman before his time.

Now John Hodgman wears a hoodie. What's going on? Life is upside down. What were we talking about? And if you see Justin, button down shirt, right? Yep. Isn't it funny? In life funny.

In life crazy, man. It takes twists and turns. Turns and twists. We were talking about how I just loved Harvard. I loved sleeping in a castle. I went to school in a castle with all my cronies and we all give each other jobs and we just laugh and laugh.

And it's been very enjoyable, but the one thorn in my side is these nasty, filthy Eli's, these interlopers who come and get into my territory, especially the entertainment business. Oh, we love sticking it to you. Where you were forbidden. Yes.

Right. And so, you know, explain yourself and talk a little bit about the pizza how dare you talk about the new haven pizza wait a minute what are you peppies or sally's or modern or bar what this is this is you know what hayes is right this. This is a racist attack. It is. See? It's very racist. Very, very mean. Let me tell you something. I'm not going to talk about New Haven, Connecticut.

And it's fine pizza and the invention of the hamburger at Louie's Lunch. But not the kind of hamburger you would want. You go there and they go, we invented the hamburger. But then thousands of people improved on it since then, right? Should you still be serving the serving the same i don't want the first one necessarily someone invented the computer i don't use that computer right right exactly i you know we i think

it's probably mythological that that louis lunch invented the hamburger truly but it does feel that way because as you as you are alluding to sean louie's lunch which which sits in a brick outhouse in the middle of a parking lot new haven uh-huh does not use hamburger buns but toast does not allow ketchup only tomato the hamburgers themselves are grilled in these weird cast iron vertical broilers. It's like it does feel like you want to buy a computer and someone says, would you like this room-sized ENIAC? It is not perfected technology. Why are they vertical? They keep falling off.

I know, exactly. They keep trying to push the hamburger against the grill. But you look at it and go story checks out i believe that this was the first thing someone called a hamburger yeah and and and and it was uh the hamburger itself was um compressed cornmeal and pencil shavings it wasn't even beef at that time they were experimenting with what they could use and then someone said how about ground beef probably um probably one of the yale students because they're very very intelligent and then they said okay so yes you're right you're right about that but i'll tell you something that i will talk about cambridge massachusetts because i am from brookline massachusetts a neighboring town spent a lot of time wandering through harvard square i've seen your castles i've seen your

ramp that's where i would sleep is in the castle yeah no i understand i get it and then i'd swim the charles river sure sure enough you jump off the trail you jump off one of those bridges in the charles river just like quentin compson that's a sound of the Fury reference. Yeah. I read a lot of books in Yale. Anyway, I hope I got his name right. Point is, there was a time when I did have a brand. I had a very clear, obvious brand. I was a Tweety nerd know-it-all. I'm talking about the heyday.

It's fucked now. The Hodgman heyday. It's fucked. I was a Tweety, bespectable nerd. That's what I thought I was going to get. respectable nerd that's what i thought i was gonna get yeah that's what i thought we were sitting down with today and now we have flat breezy hodgman in here yeah now i'm flat and breezy flat breezy is what your brim is the brand that's my that's my shampoo brand flat and breezy doesn't doesn't very fine i have very fine limp hair. It doesn't stand up and it only needs a hint of breeze to dry because it's barely there at all.

Got that Charlie Brown hair. Point is, I was on a daily show with Jon Stewart. I played a know-it-all jacket wearing, tie wearing nerd with glasses. And around this time, I get a call from an organization called the harvard lampoon familiar with it tall familiar with it at all yeah are you allowed to say are you allowed to say uh yeah it's not skull and bones man everybody knows about our i have to leave now goodbye oh wow he's gone someone said skull and bones wow he left wow he shut the door oh wow this is so bad that this is happening and i knew and i knew that this would happen

this is happening and i knew and i knew that this would happen yeah uh but i knew that you had to say what you had to say okay he's back well well well still follow the old ways they still follow the old tradition so what so what did the lampoon and invite you that where they're calling you up we would do this stuff like i was like the treasurer, and I would go, hey, let's fly in John Hodgman from The Daily Show, and we'll drink absinthe with him or something. Pretty much. That's what I hoped it was going to be. So for anyone who doesn't know, the organization that Sean mentioned is a Yale secret society

that supposedly is the headquarters of the secret world government, but it was really just a bunch of college students masturbating on each other in a coffin. And when you say that name, someone who was a member of that group is supposed to leave the room in order to keep it a secret by doing the most obvious attention getting. Well, obviously we won't get any information about this now this person's out of the room i was never a member of skull and bones but i am an honorary member of the national lampoon because they called me up and they said would can we invite you to be an honorary member of the national lampoon and i thought they were going to murder me because obviously look

what about the ancient rivalry what about the ancient rivalry between our respective houses of hogwarts our dumb fictional uh academies of learning when i showed up and i finally i said well i can't do it i put it off for a while and i was doing a show at the wilbur theater in boston massachusetts on a saturday evening and i said well i'll be in town if you would like to do this i'm very i'm i'm honored and grateful but i got a you know a busy guy i got children and stuff my kids were in town with me and they were staying with my dad flex and uh they said sure how about saturday night i'm like no i got a show how said, sure. How about Saturday night? I'm like, no, I got a show. How about Sunday? They're like, Sunday night?

I'm like, no, Sunday afternoon. I have to go home. Yeah. And they said, okay, well, normally we do it at night, but we can do it in the afternoon. They're very amenable. So weird. So I said to my dad, look, I got to go do this thing over in Harvard Square. I think that, you know, it's just going to be a well like an

afternoon a little meet and greet a little toast maybe and then could you take the kids to harvard square and then pick me up at 4 p.m so i can make the train we can make the train to go back to new york and my dad said fine because he's a good dad love you dad he's probably listening show up at this thing remember my brand is strong right at this point yeah yeah this is a legit picture now this is a literal castle in the middle of harvard square yeah and uh hang on a second oh i thought kevin was laughing he didn't believe it was a castle it's a real castle kevin that's hilarious okay forget it so it's funny too right john it's a goofy castle so funny we're laughing our asses off and we're going like what if we're taking like a book and we're going like let's change all the words of the book and then everyone's like oh nice this is so smart yeah i go in there and all these harvard guys and guess what it's mostly guys we're all wearing jackets and glasses and bow ties and

regular ties yeah and i thought i was being pranked i thought they were all in hodgman cosplay to make fun of you yeah but that's how they really dressed to meet me and we had a really really nice time but then they tried to keep me captive yeah i had no idea what was going to the parent apparently this ceremony i will not reveal any secrets but they wanted this ceremony to go on reveal any secrets but they wanted this ceremony to go on this induction ceremony to a go on for about five hours and b uh and and and b involve humiliating me in various ways and i went along with it for a little bit i did some humiliating things because i'm game do you know what i mean sure sure any opportunity yeah yeah. And I'm like, I don't want to let these kids down. They all dressed up

and they're all wearing these weird rubber John Hodgman masks, which was a weird, scary thing. There was a sleep no more element to it that I was kind of

a nightmare, but kind of a dream. You know what I mean? But eventually, like time is going fast and I'm a grown man even then. I was old even then. This has to be almost 10 years ago. And I'm a grown man even then.

I was old even then. This has to be almost 10 years ago. And the man thing again. Right. A hodge man. Not masculine, but definitely old. Not child. Not boy.

Or the one girl. Born a man. Right. It's like 90. All of them were guys except for one woman. And she was like, I gotta go. And I'm like, yeah, me too. Sitting there with

these guys they would not let go of me humiliate asking me humiliating personal questions pawing i'm getting angrier and angrier and angrier and finally i said you know what let me just stop this now because the truth is i'm a grown man and my daddy is picking me up in 15 minutes to take me to the train. Please let me go. Get him. And I escaped. I escaped with my life and I had to take the train home and I was very intoxicated, unfortunately,

in front of my children, all social services. I'm sorry that happened. I'm sorry we didn't finish the job. No, you're not. No, you're not. You're not sorry at all. If it had been during my reign,

no one would have seen you again. I'm very proud. I'm very proud that they let me into their club. Shipped you back. Shipped you back in a body bag to the Owl Shop or one of your other New Haven staples.

Whoa. Look, you're younger than me. me yeah you're not the only one who grew up just next door to a famous institution of learning oh wait a minute is that true that's where did you grow up new haven county baby what sick game have i been tricked into again by harvard you're telling me that we're like crisscross we're like alternate timeline brothers i grew up around harvard you grew up around yale then we switched it something like that i don't know i don't care for the i don't the point is sean how old are you 17 18 years old 19 20 21 19 25 26 right 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26.

You're young. I'm a little older than you are. I'm practically a walking corpse. And I've had two children who are now adults, practically. One is legally. Yeah, they're really old. And the other, right, one is 37. Our daughter is 37.

She's doing great. He's running a media company in Saskatchewan. Oh, wow. A big, huge market. Our son is 15. Kind of a surprise baby. Big age gap. He and I are watching television, movies on TV every night. And every night I let him choose what to watch.

Even though I would like to watch some things that I want to watch, I let him choose because he's disappearing before my eyes. So it's like, okay son, I Claudius again. Point is, you have the true story. Point is, we've watched it together

three times. Don't know why he loves that show so much i mean it's great incredible acting i claudius i recommend it also recommend the podcast ipodius where me and elliot calen from the flop house podcast watch every episode of i claudius that was my wow third watch through yeah damn always brand is fucked point is sean true true it's fucked got too many things too many things keep Too many things to keep track of. People are writing down on their steno notebook, what are all the things that he's plugged

so far? Areas of my expertise. Daily Show with Jon Stewart, that's over. Why did he even mention it? I'm a Mac versus I'm a PC. I'm too young to even know what that is. I don't care that Justin Long is doing ads. Yeah, right. Exactly. Judge John Hodgman podcast, that's for weird dads. No.

He didn't even mention his other books dicktown on hulu did i mention that my animated show with david reese on hulu dicktown always be plugging bit.ly slash d-i-c-k-t-o-w-n dicktown then the masculinity again that's right compensation right in my face town is what i'm saying is yeah i'm going to be kind of an asshole in this show you know you brought it you brought it to me with your weird anti-yale anti-new haven thing i've moved on i've moved on i accepted an award from harvard university i went into the belly of the beast because it does not matter you are connected still you're younger you are still connected to that younger self in a way that is totally natural i'm not going to say unhealthy it's totally natural that you

are still grinding an axe against the owl shop the cigar shop in new haven new haven let me tell you well i don't want to talk about it this way because it's your home great pizza that's all i'm gonna say great that's all i'm gonna say but you know there's a time there's a time when you can put this in your past sean it does not matter this fight these old fights don't matter no and it's as i said and next month i am going to be 19 and and i do feel like at that point it is time to just sort of put away childish things, so to speak. And I do believe I will stop bringing up my incredible college experience in the castle where I would sleep and do rituals.

Yeah, tell me more about the rituals in the castle. What was your favorite ritual? There's not so much to say say it's like you get into the castle you've seen it you go in there right take a big nap right and then you get some like eye of newt and like um tongue of newt it's all new it's really you just get a whole newt i don't know why we mention it in pieces like this because it really, it would be easier to get a new. Yeah. Well,

yeah. Look, one thing, one thing Yalies always appreciated about Harvard was their responsible use of nose to tail newts butchery. Yeah. No, we don't waste a single piece.

No, that's how, that's how it was in the old ways. You, you know you're not raising a newt just for the eyes or the newt chops but it feels like you're stalling when you go through the ingredients and you go eye of newt and tongue of newt and sprinkling of newt's tail atop and you're like should we just let's just put the newt in the pot like what are we this seems stupid like this is like so long what we're

doing like you know and i think that's part of what you ran into is like your dad had to pick you up and it's like we're just doing we're listing every single part like it's not yeah that's exactly what was happening yeah that's exactly what was happening at the harvard lampoon castle you guys were listing newt parts you know this is the thing that hurts me this is the thing that hurts me sean please you know you know what happened you know what happened to me in that castle you know the humiliation you know and it's one thing if you're doing it to another 20 year old 18 year old or 19 year old you'll find out what it's like when you grow older but it's one thing if you're doing it to another 20 year old or 18 year old or 19 year old you'll find out what it's like when you grow older but it's one thing if you're doing it to another teenager college student you're doing it to a grown man it's it's like it's a delicious humiliation

and you know everything that happened in there and because i respect my honorary membership of the Harvard Lampoon Club, I will not, will not reveal in public what happened, even though it's weird and hilarious. I would make a great story for a podcast. And you know, you know, and I'm not saying anything. That's what's painful to me about keeping the secret too, is I go, man, that'd be a hell of an episode, you know, instead of what we're doing, we could talk through that. Second most accessible episode of Hollywood Handbook handbook talking all around it yeah but we're not actually

doing hollywood handbook today we're doing a different show which is we're doing judge hollywood handbook show oh this is what you tried to start with okay i apologize let's roll it back that's fine it's like yeah are we recording now let's start i started recording yeah let's go be a better you in 2024 with babble the science-backed language learning app that actually works don't pay hundreds of dollars for private tutors or waste hours on apps that don't really help you speak the language and the the question that I always get, people stop me and they say like, hey, I trust you.

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movie they didn't resemble anything from the movie they were not they were either way too big or way too small for a human to wear yeah and one of them was a dressing yeah one of them was it was it was a vinaigrette it was a raspberry vinaigrette it was a french raspberry vinaigrette dressing oh they'll even try to get you a refund for the last couple months of wasted money and negotiate to lower your bills for you by up to 20 all you have to do is take a picture of your bill and rocket money takes care of the rest they have over 5 million users and have helped save its members an average of 720 dollars a year with over 500 million dollars in canceled subscriptions and that was i mean just to be fully transparent that 500 million was most of that was the dresses.

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rocketmoney.com slash the boys. Hollywood Handbook. You have this show. It's on Maximum Fun. We have Jesse. Jesse's been here. This is like we have relationships with this network, but we've never had Jesse Hodgman on the show before

jesse thorn has been on this on this podcast oh yeah very famous episode and my co-host sean was not on and this is like a little bit of a probably most a lot of people's favorite episode it's at the time was the only one i hadn't appeared on parallel parallel lives because uh i didn't know that my co-host of my podcast judge sean Sean Hodgman podcast, was on your podcast. When Sean wasn't on the podcast, this is some co-host fuckery going on. And I also wasn't on your podcast at the same time. Yeah, that would have been good. Crisscross.

The two Ivies, we could have called it. But somehow, yes, somehow the and jesse you know conspired to leave us both out of the loop well weird okay and so we had jesse but on this show well you let's talk about what's the format of judge john hodgman because we actually have their issues john we're like we just went independent we have this like new network now that's like just like us and a few other shows there are some simmering tensions that i think would be great for you yeah to help us okay work out help us let it we want this to be a this a thriving enterprise going into the future

we want to like get some of the issues that we're facing right now as a company we iron these out like your brim right thank you and we and we're able to move past and move forward grow from them right good talk about your show and how you you litigate real life disputes for people my show is called judge john hodgman though after this episode i'm thinking about changing to judge john grudgeman wow because i hold so many grudges yeah didn't realize it i'm learning a lot thank you would you change your name would you change the art and everything the key art would i change my legal name of course i'm not a liar if i change the name of the podcast i'll change my legal name sorry i have to renew my

passport anyway so it's no no better time than now no better time change the art i would change everything up but it's a show about i gotta renew mine too do you want to set that up imagine me and you renewing our passports together as pals just yale and harvard together at last buddy buddy comedy boy you'll never guess what happens when one when one yale man and one harvard man go to a after the pandemic go to a federal building it should be buddy buddy comedy usually they just say buddy comedy but there's what there's just one buddy it's like no way every time i watch when there's two there are buddy comedy buddy comedy uh yeah we're handcuffed together that'd be good but the point is John Judge Judgment, Grudgetown, USA, is a podcast about grudges.

People call in using technology to present each two sides of a grudge, a dispute, a fight that they are having usually in their household, usually about how people wash dishes, sometimes about philosophical issues like whether or not a machine gun counts as a robot, whether a hot dog is a sandwich, but mostly it's about roommate stuff. Is graham cracker a cookie? Yeah, should I get a... Is graham cracker a cookie?

It's got cracker in it. Graham cracker. Graham... No, it's a cracker. Not a cookie. Sweet crack cracker the way it's baked sounds like a cookie to me it uses graham flour never mind i don't want to go into the history of graham flour anyway okay it's kind of your job but now is this the dispute that i'm saying one little piece of your fucked brand it just reminded me of a dispute that we've been having on this show for years.

Hayes really cowed me into saying that it's a cookie, but in my heart, I still think it's a cracker. This is a viral question that we're trying to get out there, which is a graham cracker, a cookie. We haven't figured out how to, even when it does get discussed among people on social media, which almost never happened so far. We haven't figured out how to connect it back to us that we thought of it.

You're trying to create a viral internet question a la is a hot dog sandwich that people will fight about endlessly. Yeah, but some way to like you know connect it back to right and right and link it back to your brand yeah to get some traction out of it okay and so far people have not been discussing it have not been arguing about this which in a way is like a good thing because we haven't figured out how to no we've gotten actually a lot of trial runs at this you know it's been lucky somehow people have missed

the episodes where we've discussed it so it hasn't really caught fire on the internet yet but right i think once we once we kind of sort out the best way to associate ourselves with it this thing's gonna well yeah i don't think you guys want my advice on this because this is a branding question and my brand is you never would you put cheese on a graham cracker you would never put cheese on a graham cracker no okay but you'd put cheese on every other cracker which to me says i wouldn't put cheese this is a cooking i wouldn't put cheese okay so now you're dealing with uh actually an unreasonable man but but i'll tell you what i'll tell you what i'll tell you what i wouldn't put cheese on an oyster cracker that would be clam chowder is basically cheese that would be tedious and uh and hard to balance it's basically cheese it's cheese soup it's a sweet crummy cracker i

understand like wait what about those crackers haze that have like the little raisin like cooked into them and everything you know i put cheese on that i put i put brie on that for sure i don't like it see do you see this do you see the potential of this i thought you were going to keep talking about this i was going to say kevin can you say skull and bones so i can get out of here for a little while let these guys fight it out but this is so but this is actually not one of the you should come on judge john hodgman we're doing the show right now oh you're taking my show oh okay we are hijacked me now yeah right okay it's like a social media takeover i got you have you tried it's like tig's account so you don't want me to find out you. Have you tried? It's like TIG's account.

So you don't want me to find out. You don't want me to help you figure out how to get this out there in the world. Because what you're saying is it's been out there in the world. No one cares. You have figured out a way to monetize these grievances. Like you're saying. Okay. Even you saying the hot dog is a sandwich debate. That is a plug for your podcast.

And people go over there and you're standing there taking tickets and exchanging tickets for cash. You want people to be talking about, is a graham cracker a cracker or a cookie? Yes. And immediately think Hollywood Handbook. That's the ultimate goal, but don't i don't see us hollywood handbook home of the graham cracker question but i yeah then we need them to smash that subscribe button so so like ultimately that's got to somehow be the direct result of them wondering if this cracker is a cookie but again we have other i

have plenty of other stuff that i want to litigate today should we just go down the list and you just kind of run through would you rapid fire what's the season anything you yeah i think we can move on from okay great this is a grievance that i have with chef kevin okay yeah yesterday at 307 p.m i sent him a text saying sorry remind me what we're recording tomorrow morning and he responds chef kevin responds and he responded right away i wanted like this is credit i just like you know like like he got right back to me. Well, he's being fair. He responds to me. One character. One character, which is the number nine.

So I say my question was, yeah, remind me. Sorry, remind me what we're recording tomorrow morning. Nine. yeah remind sorry remind me what we're recording tomorrow morning nine and what my producer responds with is the number nine this is a person who's behind the scenes supposed to keep things going supposed to keep things going yeah have your back while you're while you're out there live on the mic being alive and vulnerable to the moment. Yes. Chef Kevin's supposed to be holding it down. I'm fully exposed out here. Right. Which I have been.

And we've investigated. This is a great deal. Chef Kevin, I'll get back to you in a moment. I'll hear your side of the story. Please. Thank you. No reply necessary. Thanks.

Okay. So he talks like a real judge on the show. So this is good to know for when we start. Just a little heads up. Hodgman at MaximumFun.org. That's where you submit cases. If you submit a case or a comment and I say, this is great, you don't need to email thank you back to me. Don't you want to get a special email address?

I don't need some. No. Hodgman at MaximumFun.org. It's a special email address. But what about all your other business? Don't you want one that's like questions for judge oh maximumfund.org yeah also there's my brand is fucked at maximum fund.org it just feels like too much is going to be coming into the main hodgman there's the main hodgman at maximum fund.org which is also part of your fucked brand

part of my vacation land. True Stories from Painful Beaches. A book by John Hodgman followed up by Medallion Status. Also with some Maine content in it. And by that I mean the state of Maine. Look, Kevin, just if I say something to you, you don't have to say thank you back, alright? You're just slowing the flow. Go ahead.

What was the problem? What does nine even mean? What did you take that to mean, Hayes? And again, this is what question and again this is someone this is what i'm saying we have invested a we're an independent company now kevin is the is an employee of this company nine we'll see for how long him throwing into my face how many figures he makes in this endeavor whoa so wow this is this is something that he he likes to when we're talking to him he likes to like count off on his fingers very slowly and to, when we're talking to him,

he likes to count off on his fingers very slowly. And it's like, I'm talking to you. And then he gets to nine and he's like, oh, okay. He's doing it now. He's doing it in the Zoom. I can see him counting. Hey, Kevin. Yes, sir.

I have a question for you. What the hell does nine mean? What were you trying to convey? I'm glad you asked, sir. I have a question for you. What the hell does nine mean? What were you trying to convey? I'm glad you asked, Judge. Every single week for like 75 weeks, the day before the recording, Hayes texts me, what time is tomorrow's recording? My muscle memory saw you have a text from Mr. Hayes. Okay.

Yeah, muscle memory. Yeah yeah i don't really have much memory of when you ever even had muscles i don't know who needs to hear this but i actually do so you made a mistake count how many muscles do you have counting them out with your hands? What do you say? What name nine of your muscles to my brain? No, uh, one that I shouldn't, I'm was told I can't talk about it anymore on the podcast. Deltoid.

I love muscle. My delts. You can't talk about your delts anymore. Got those hot delts. My peach, which I can't count with your hands like i like you that's your that's your brain delts yeah each peach each peach uh-huh that's four that's four one that was told i can't talk about on any zoom publicly okay my horn my ears because listening is my greatest attribute not a muscle it's an

organ okay i'll allow it though because i want to get through you don't see the way i listen i don't i definitely don't see the way you listen because i don't have synesthesia my my senses are separate i do not i do not see things with my ears or hear things with my eyes or or perceive uh you can kind of colors as words the way he does it his ears kind of become they swell they become too oh really they start throbbing yeah blood engorged ear lobes yeah sweet and my smile you smile okay yeah very very fetching smile at seven we'll stop it there that's but you can see you can see here kevin how numbers are used for different things to indicate different things some of them are used to indicate time some of them are used to count

your muscles or the things that you hope will pass for muscles some of them are used as a code perhaps you have a list of common answers to stupid questions that hayes asks week after week after week even when there's a calendar invite that says who's and that episode and the guest did not say who it was it just says hollywood handbook it's like i know that's the show now yeah it does dude well check your receipts i'm here to tell both of you that i am the guest never to return i suspect this week i mean i'm i'm happy to come back but i've the the grudge man has, I think, maybe burned some bridges here today. But that's okay.

I'm pissed. I'm pissed. Quote the Doughboys, Judge Modgman can't be bought. And now he's quoting the Doughboys. I find in favor of Hayes. People are actually sick of hearing about the Doughboys on this show. What's that? There's a fan movement for us to not bring up the Doughboys on this show what's what's that there's like a fan movement to like for us to not bring up the doughboys on the show at all and we talk about the doughboys because we need

patreon subscriptions and every time you mention their name you can you can hear the cash register you can see me adding another number to my hand yeah yeah exactly i got okay that's great so i find in favor of hayes because the text itself while an understandable mistake was itself not clear if you had said 9 a.m hayes would have known it was a mistake instead it was just nine nine nine movie remember this like the movie nine with the little guys it's just too many interpretations you could have it was cryptic and weird and and felt a little bit like you're a serial killer next uh grievance and we can move through these uh quickly well i have i have one actually i'd

like to bring up so this one is this is actually a grievance that i have with chef kevin okay good so sometimes we have to like share screen like we'll have to like watch like a movie teaser or something so that we have more content right um and it's not us talking it's just us like playing something and looking at it and when we do that um chef kevin can't make our faces big but our other producer can make our faces big when and sometimes people are mad we're so small we can't even see us and no one else can see us either and don't get smart with me judge john hodgman and say like that that's actually lucky for everyone but so you know our other shot our other producer can do it and uh and kevin can't and that seems like it's mean especially because we released the the video

not of this episode and necessarily but uh no i'm i am certain you will not release this episode at all so great but our but of our bonus content we do release our bonus content on video and that's another tier of monetization that doesn't necessarily require extra work we're doing the same stuff it's just like a it's just a new version of it and when they're so small what do people have to to look at and salivate over yeah right right kevin what's your what's your response to this because it seems like it seems like you should i have two questions for you kevin why can't you make why can't you make them bigger and that's really more than one question because it's like why can't you make their faces bigger and why can't you as the producer make the show bigger monetize it more yeah what is this what is this downsizing right what is this

literally am i watching because i'm certainly experiencing pain alexander pain yeah you're really sending them sideways i'm about to kristin wig out because i'm getting downsizing and it's causing me pain like like pain whitney gymnasium at yale university listen kevin i'm about to body slam you on the wrestling mat damon the answer is actually i'm glad you brought this up because i'm gonna i'm about i'm i'm i'm about to hit you in your crystal skull like indiana jones and the and the secret of the super crystal skulls that shot in the lennonian and brothers room at sterling memorial library at yale university kevin imagine if alexander payne had gotten his hands on that movie wait it definitely would have been in omaha kevin why can't you make their heads bigger i mean

you know the reason andy can do this is he's using two computers at the same time. I don't have that type of privilege. I only have one computer. You make a nine-figure salary. The boy should give me a second computer, and I could. This was a work expense. If they give me a second laptop, I can share screen and customize the size. Andy works for Disney. They're throwing laptops at him, and so he can do whatever he wants with the size. Andy works for Disney. They're throwing laptops at him.

And so he can do whatever he wants with the size. All right. I'm a man of meager means. I'm just working with what I have. My recommendation to you, Kevin, is go over to Andy's house. When the Disney truck comes over to throw laptops at him, grab one and run. Until then, if you guys want if unless kevin is lying and it could be if this is the technical problem you guys want your heads nice

and big and he needs an extra laptop to do it that's a business expense you gotta you gotta keep your employees up to date with all the latest tech you gotta buy him another laptop so this is or you gotta give him one to use until you fire him then you take it back and he's this is this is the game right like we're watching the game uh in action which is kevin kevin's current laptop has uh basically like the government has put on it i mean visually it's like a boot that they put on your car's tire because of some of the stuff that he's been doing on there oh i see oh i see and so like it lets him do some like very basic tasks let's do some word process like but even what he's been doing with that is like really not except not all the letters are available to him.

Right. And Kevin probably can't go over to Andy's house to catch one of those Disney laptops because he's got an ankle bracelet on, I presume. Andy's house is just outside his range. Yeah, wow. Two ankle bracelets. Well, I know. All right.

And he counted with two fingers. Good job, Kevin. Staying on brand. Staying on brand. A thumb and and index finger two count them two ankle bracelets ah ha ha ha ha and so this brings us to count von count reference you got me another you watch with your adult children that we do uh this is another thing we want to address this is agreements with with i guess this isn't really not about chef kevin

specifically this is kind of with me and sean between me and sean uh we don't really want to do this show anymore because of all the issues that we're that we're having with chef kevin yeah well you're saying chef kevin is gonna be the end of this show this one in particular yeah i thought i was gonna be the death knell of this show you're not helping but it's actually it was so fucked from the time you even stepped into the uh stadium here like there's not really a lot you could have done to save it or kill it but we haven't even gotten into the merch situation which is like let's get into the merch the the logo's off center on the mug it's way too low on or too high either one or the other on the phone case and the hole for the camera in the phone case is actually cutting off some of

the logo this is all kevin's these were logo. This is all Kevin's deviant designs. These were his creative designs that he did on deviant art. And when I told him about the phone case thing, he was like, well, if you had a different phone, that wouldn't happen because it would have a small screen. This shot has like an iPhone 14 and it's like, oh, it looks like crap on here. Well, the blue

collar boy's like, I'm two generations back. Order! Order, Kevin! No! Hang hang on order in this court please and you're seeing the sweater that's that that sweater is new merch and i'm looking at it the collar is like kind of cinched yeah why is the collar so tight yeah the collar's puckering that was ke Kevin's choice. He wanted to feel like the collar was kissing him.

Kissing his neck muscle? Kissing his neck muscle. All the muscles in his neck. One of the things that I don't understand is, let me see the logo again, Kevin. He said he did this on DeviantArt, but for some reason there isn't a pregnant Sonic

the Hedgehog on it I'm not sure why that's a problem in and of itself so what is that what is that logo supposed to represent what's your brand identity there it's a so that's a basketball with a play button on it which I guess is like we have another show that's about basketball and I guess you hit the play button to play the show. So I guess it's like trying to teach people how to do the podcast. But really, for Kevin, it's about people. It's him hoping that people will come up and poke. Poke his middle chest muscle?

Yeah. Right. First of all, that's not healthy in this day and age. You can't have people touching you age he wants his xenoid process touched I would say if you're not happy with your merch throw it to the fans

let them design the merch okay make it a contest make it listener interaction you know what I mean and in terms of the Sonic aspect of it. You'll definitely get a lot more pregnant Sonic the Hedgehogs if you throw it to the fans.

Well, the back of the sweater is Sonic's. You see the basketball on the front? The back is like a view of Sonic from behind. And you can tell from his arms that he's kind of like. I don't need to see that again. Yeah. So the idea is that the basketball is actually Sonic's

pregnancy. It's also, I mean, not something we want to get into too much on this show, but I don't think we want to be associated with Sonic at all at this point. It is, after all, the movie that killed more people than any other film in

human history. It was the most popular movie in the country for multiple weeks prior to the coronavirus lockdown and is in that sense uh probably the most responsible super spreader for all of it was ground zero ground zero in the united states people going to see so it's like right if people had fun at the movie good i'm happy for them i don't necessarily think our show should be that's so cool if what a way to go out you don't want to be associated with that i understand yeah sure i gotta go fast to the hospital and so you see what this kevin is asking if he can say that all right hang on i'm just gonna preemptive rule against kevin for that one we are so i was a layup that's all we have to figure out is what kind of new show to do we

have to do a show that kevin is legally not allowed to be present for like that kind of discussion there are certain in the same way that like the government has a boot on his laptop there are certain kinds of conversations that kevin is not allowed to be present for and so that for us we can do sean wants to do a murder show i want to do some murder show it just seems like that's easy it could be interpreted a lot of different ways can you be a little more specific about what a murder show is is a show about murders yeah or is it you murdering people well if we run out of murders then like yeah we probably would have to do some why isn't there a thing about a thing about a show about um a serial killer podcast by a serial killer who's secretly a serial killer dexter

but doing a true crime podcast to create more episodes to create more episodes that's how he gets exclusive episodes that's exactly what we should do then we'll do a true crime we'll do the dexter true crime podcast right we're investigating crimes that we ourselves have committed let me tell you i've listened to a lot of podcasts no one has that leopold and lobe vibe that you two have double murder so that's so kind that's really oh my god that's really absolutely it's like alfred hitchcock's rope up in here yeah you didn't go to the college graduates thrill killing for fun you got a body in the you got a body in the trunk wrapped up tied up in rope you want to see if junie stewart can figure out who did it see both of you good job love it so that is my idea hayes wants the

show to be sex advice these are both things that kevin would not legally be allowed to even participate in from a listening perspective so we would essentially be frozen courts would force him out as producer if we were doing sex advice or murder now you'd have to he'd have to wear bracelets on not one but two ears whenever this podcast came on right okay two bulbous pulsating ears right tumescent what would the name of your sex uh podcast be tumescent ears haze tumescent ears it could be your boners it would probably be uh probably be like time to have sex or something right so your podcast would be something live it's for people to listen to like when they are when they are deciding to have sex or it is you instructing them it is now time to have sex

it's during it's during sex well it starts with obviously saying okay like it's it's time to like get ready to have sex and like and then it guides them through the process as it's happening. What you should do is when you're talking about sex, throughout the podcast, you give the listeners a heads up. Okay, listeners in Omaha, Alexander Payne territory, it's time to have sex. Everyone else hold off. That's right.

Foreign listeners, if you're on Greenwich Mean Time currently, it's time to have sex. And just work for the audience. I see you inching over to start having sex. Hang on, because it's not time yet. Not time yet. I know that you're listening to us talk about ear boners is making you want to have sex but it's not time

yet hang on wait a minute i'm getting word uh brookline massachusetts time to have sex this year wow my thing is i'm not sure we couldn't do that while we're also committing crimes getting do we have to choose, I guess? Two great tastes that go great together. So do you have to choose? Mm-hmm. I see it. Look at his face.

Look at this. Look at Kevin. Look at this. Kevin, I'm... Isn't allowed to even... Kevin, turn your screen off. You can't see this with your eye ears legally. There we go.

And look at him, a sick Dracula. Drawing becomes his face. Six, seven muscle Dracula. Don't care for it. This is more real than dealing with we were seeing before and it's weird because like you could just start a podcast and not hire him but you're saying that you have some weird we're trying to make sure that legally he can't work his way in because we thought when we left yearwolf that we were leaving him behind you're leaving him but somehow he showed

up at the patreon did he fly up to your window and scratch on it and make you invite him in like nosferatu of some kind we did the thing where we shut him in the room and we uh like put all the boards against the door with the hammer and stuff and then we were like uh pass me the the the new nails or something and his hand hand reaches out and like passes us the nails and we turn around and we went thanks sure exactly that's what happened Kevin you scared me let me go into the bathroom and put some water on my face in front of this mirror

again in any case I don't think you know what do them both time to have both just do more shows time to have sex and murder okay well no problem there uh harvard uh looks like it's time to go yeah there we go judge getting getting the word that it's getting getting word here that it's time to wrap it up. Okay. Huh. All right.

Interesting. Passive. What was your major in Harvard? Passive aggression or just aggressive aggression? Mine was. They call them concentrations there. Mine was literary theory. So I am an interpreter of signs and signals and semiotics of the human body and the texts.

Okay, yeah. No, I studied bugs. Entomology. Entomology. God bless you. And I never thought about that. Yeah, it's entomology. Yeah, entomology.

Because all bugs are ants, technically. You know what I what i mean yeah just is it an ant with a shell is it an ant with big b butt and wings you know like it's it's all some version of an ant the big the big b butt right exactly is it a praying antis and so you know it's ants everywhere yeah the big b but uh what else could i have well we're not gonna get to the bottom of this today i mean i'll probably go back to the no it's a big field entomology yeah absolutely right bye hollywood handbook this week on the patreon carl and asan discuss las vegas the boys play a Wikipedia game, and the Flager Ones are mostly talking all things basketball. Check out the podcast and

videos of the full episodes at patreon.com slash theflagerones. Hollywood Handbook. That was a HeadGum Podcast.